1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,274 Okay. Change of plan. 2 00:00:01,360 --> 00:00:03,476 Secretary of State wants to do the interview in front of the sign 3 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:05,198 so you're gonna have to just bog off, okay? 4 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,317 Morning, Olly, how's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all? 5 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,676 No. I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung under. 6 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:15,753 First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted till, I'd say, seven? 7 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:17,398 Yeah, well, I do have a life, Olly. 8 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:22,474 Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. 9 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,632 What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 10 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,756 - Morning. - OLLY: Hello. 11 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:30,999 Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 12 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:34,595 No, I had to get in early anyway because the BBC man's coming. 13 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,353 Are you wearing trainers? (CHUCKLES) You are wearing trainers. 14 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:38,668 - Yes. - Yes. 15 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:43,515 (CHUCKLES) If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like. 16 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:46,637 - Well, I don't see there's any... - This colour for healthy breath. 17 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,517 - Morning. Morning. - Oh! 18 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,079 - Do please let me... - Oh! 19 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:51,991 - Thank you very much. - Would you like me to take your coffee? 20 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,640 Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you. 21 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:56,472 - Hmm. - Well, it will dehydrate you. 22 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,949 - Good-o. - Mojito Murray, they now call her. 23 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,235 You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. 24 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,959 She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 25 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,029 (MIMICKING GULPING) 26 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:06,712 I really love the division of labour in this place. 27 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,597 I like the way the women do the heavy lifting 28 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:10,477 and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 29 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,358 Would you like some help with your makeup? 30 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,358 - Um... I'm wearing makeup. - OLLY: What? 31 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,359 NICOLA: So this interview, who's coming? TERRl: Ten O'Clock News? 32 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:19,919 Okay. Who? Nick Robinson? 33 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,560 Not Nick. He's away with the PM on the world tour. 34 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,995 - No it's... It's Gavin. - Gavin Esler? 35 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:26,959 Gavin Boyes. 36 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,994 - Who the hell is Gavin Boyes? - Well, he's up and coming. 37 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:31,718 In what? Gay porn? 38 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,597 I'm launching the Fourth Sector Initiative. 39 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,511 It's the centrepiece of my political career. 40 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,433 I don't want to do it with some fucking Newsround press packer. 41 00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:40,670 It says here on Google 42 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,879 that Gavin Boyes is the State Wrestling Champion 43 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,075 for West Virginia. 44 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:48,435 The launch tonight, Terri, how many journos have we got coming? 45 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:50,317 We've got confirmed four. 46 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:51,429 - Four? - Four? 47 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:53,033 That's one per sector. 48 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,076 This is not something that we are ashamed of. 49 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,037 We're not launching a new leper colony. 50 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,680 Okay. No problem. I'm just going to go down and collect Gavin 51 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:01,193 and his boys. 52 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,757 - Welcome to DoSAC, Gavin. Yes. - Thank you. 53 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,114 - Gavin Boyes? - Yeah. 54 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,033 I'm Glenn Cullen. No need for me to get up. 55 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,079 Right. Nice to meet you. 56 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,071 Gavin seems very nice, very young... 57 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,720 Oh, good. Is this the way to the face-painting tent? 58 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,677 I was hoping I could be a tiger, maybe. 59 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,478 I told you you'd overdone it with the makeup. 60 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:21,916 Nicola, honestly, with the lights, you do need a lot on. 61 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,194 Take a bit off, really. 62 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,554 I'm going to start slurring my words in a minute. 63 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:25,834 It looks great. 64 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:28,078 - NICOLA: Gavin Boyes. Hello. - Gavin Boyes. Hi. 65 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,116 - Just pop you over there. - Yes, of course. Yeah. 66 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,315 Well, let's start with an easy one. 67 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,799 - Uh... - Just relax. 68 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,394 - Yes, I was. Thank you. - Nicola, just relax. 69 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,311 So, Secretary of State, could you explain in brief 70 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,118 what your launch tonight is all about? 71 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,509 Well, Gavin, the Fourth Sector is really about 72 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:45,070 empowering ordinary people to give a little bit extra 73 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,949 and thus create something extraord... 74 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,439 I'm so sorry. Can I just... 75 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,272 - Just one second. Sorry. Terri? - You all right? 76 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,555 (WHISPERS) You're very close and you're just kind of staring at me. 77 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,949 Sort of a big dead-eyed shark and it's making me tense. 78 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,393 Sure. Sure. 79 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,079 Sorry. Where were we, Gavin? 80 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:04,038 So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? 81 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:07,749 What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? 82 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,353 He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? 83 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,192 - Is it a Malc plan? - Could be. 84 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,748 Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 85 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,273 Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? 86 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,157 What are you going to do when the shit goes down, then? 87 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,470 Oh, plenty of options, Olly. 88 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,598 You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 89 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:27,274 Don't you worry about me, Olly. I've got contacts. 90 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,191 What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? 91 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,510 Are you big in Japan or something? 92 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,952 What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 93 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:38,311 I am going to stand in the election. 94 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,917 Are you... Are you serious? 95 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:45,152 I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support 96 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,590 for the Ilford East long list. 97 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,113 Fucking hell. 98 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,471 You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? 99 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,755 "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that? 100 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,114 Actually, 101 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:57,953 I'm pretty excited about this. 102 00:03:58,040 --> 00:03:59,075 Sort of hard to take on board. 103 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,072 It's like being told your dad's gay or something. 104 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,196 I am strangely really proud of you. 105 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,590 The Prime Minister fully endorses my Fourth Sector Initiative. 106 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,433 I know that's something he's really squarely behind. 107 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,432 Surely you can't ignore the naysayers who say he's a lame duck. 108 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:14,714 He's not fit for the job. 109 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,633 I believe that Tom is absolutely the best man for the job, 110 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,792 and I think we should all just let him get on with doing that job. 111 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,438 What's morale like in the party? 112 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,956 Sorry, um, one sec. I said best man for the job, I think, didn't I? 113 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,792 I need to say "best person". 114 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:29,199 It's kind of the same. I mean, you'd have to be 115 00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:30,395 very PC to pick a hole in that. 116 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:33,313 So you don't want to give the impression that you'd like to see a female leader. 117 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,073 Uh, I mean, yes, absolutely. At some point 118 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:37,798 I would love there to be a female leader. 119 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:40,189 But that point isn't reached yet, you know. 120 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,350 And I believe that the current Prime Minister 121 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,637 is absolutely the best person, 122 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,674 - uh, for the job. - TERRl: Yeah. Yes. Yes. 123 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,231 - Yep. Got it. - Best person for the job. 124 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:52,639 - Great. - You did get that, did you? 125 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,517 - You got the end? - Yeah. Yeah. We got all we need. 126 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:55,999 - Thanks very much indeed. - Okay. 127 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:57,589 (MOUTHING) 128 00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,079 It was perfect. 129 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,432 It wasn't perfect 'cause I said best man and then I corrected to person. 130 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:03,555 You just kept going, "Uh!" 131 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,029 I wouldn't, you know, give it a second thought, honestly. 132 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,476 Yes, well, give our very best to john Craven and Dexter Fletcher. 133 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:10,959 Right. So, Ben Swain, 134 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:12,951 the man you love to hate and love to sack, 135 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,359 actually, is on his way up. 136 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:17,910 Oh, great. I'm flypaper for dickheads today. 137 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,638 Right. I'm going to get out of this funeral suit 138 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,756 and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. 139 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:24,638 GLENN: Ah, the prodigal Swain returns. OLLY: Ben 10! 140 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,915 Benstrual cycle. Ben on the 4th of July. 141 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,479 Olly put the kettle on, 142 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:31,632 on the good ship Olly-pop, Olled Lang Syne... 143 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:33,119 How are things going at the, uh, 144 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,758 Department of Education Education Education? 145 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:35,909 There's shit going up the foot pump, Olly. 146 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,070 Mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics. 147 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:39,275 Well, Robin Hood was a hero. 148 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:40,759 No, he was not a hero. He was a terrorist. 149 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,559 You're just stealing from the Education Department 150 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,437 and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. 151 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,112 This Back On Track Policy that you launched 152 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,952 at your little chimps' tea party last night, 153 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,837 well, that sounds very similar. Very, very... 154 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,558 - Almost identical in fact... - Right. Yes. 155 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,915 ...to my Unify Policy that I was working on here 156 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,718 until I was booted out by knicker-face. 157 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:57,835 - Right. Where is Jenni Murray? - No. 158 00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,148 Well, she's... I really wouldn't go in... 159 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:00,559 - Oh, God. Jesus! - NICOLA: Oh! 160 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,471 Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 161 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:05,199 What? An interview for what? FHM? What's she done to her face? 162 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:07,157 She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 163 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:08,389 - Yeah. I really... - BEN: I'm very sorry again... 164 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,471 Let's not talk about it ever again. 165 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:11,629 I will forget... 166 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,073 - Right. What do you want? ...everything I've seen. 167 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:17,153 Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. 168 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,834 I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss 169 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,831 by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 170 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,229 Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be 171 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:27,995 sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to? 172 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,433 Yes. He's away. He's in Spain. 173 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:30,873 Just ignore Malcolm. 174 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,518 - Ignore Malcolm? - Yeah. What can he do? 175 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,511 Olly, mate. Olly, you're not answering your phone 176 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,751 and I'm getting really, really worried that you've hurt yourself. 177 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:39,558 I just keep getting these terrible images 178 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,437 flashing in my head, you know. 179 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,835 Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. 180 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,593 Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine 181 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,114 dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 182 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,519 Malcolm, I can explain. 183 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,876 Olly, thank God that you're safe. 184 00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:55,989 Sorry. 185 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,151 That's from me, Cack Ephron. 186 00:06:58,240 --> 00:06:59,798 What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 187 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,917 Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been 188 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,479 nicking my policies, through Olly. 189 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,596 Is this true, the little man in the red and yellow car? 190 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,830 - No... - I've been told by Steve Fleming 191 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:10,478 to think the unthinkable. 192 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,552 Well, listen, I am telling you to unthink the unthinkable. 193 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:15,596 Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable. 194 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,671 - Why are you even here? - TERRl: Hello, Malcolm. 195 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,149 - Oh, you look a bit tired. - Yeah. You look incompetent. 196 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,037 Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 197 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,588 Well, actually, Lucille Ballbag, 198 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:28,195 I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 199 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,032 A bit late for that. 200 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:32,798 Terri, I fucking emailed you 201 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,791 and I told you to move it to later because I wanted 202 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,314 to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 203 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,391 - Well... - And there it is. 204 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:42,034 It didn't fuck... It didn't fucking send. 205 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,236 - Ah! - It didn't send, right? 206 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,834 There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 207 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,911 - I'm sorry? - That's the one. 208 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,673 That wasn't an apology. That was a "pardon? I'm sorry". 209 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,273 Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 210 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,113 Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. 211 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:57,189 Big beast. 212 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:00,158 Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 213 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,229 Which is? 214 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:03,629 Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like, it's like... 215 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,631 - the break-up of The Beatles, right? - Hmm. 216 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,438 During the fall of the Roman Empire, 217 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,717 while fucking Jordan's getting divorced from that bloke. 218 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:14,714 All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? 219 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,109 - Anyway, this interview, right? - Mmm-hmm. 220 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,760 - How did it go? - (STUTTERING) It's a small... 221 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,398 - (PHONE RINGING) - Sorry, Malcolm. Can I? Sorry. 222 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:26,600 They wanted to talk Tom, and I said that he was the best man for the job. 223 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,159 Yeah, well, so what? I mean, it's the BBC. 224 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,753 It's not fucking Spare Rib, is it? 225 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,718 I thought it might sound like I thought I was the best woman for the job. 226 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:36,110 Listen, Nicola, no offence, but you're not leadership material, yeah? 227 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,430 I mean, fucking curtain material in that outfit, but you know. 228 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,478 Right. The BBC have put it on the website. 229 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,835 You saying that the PM's the best man for the job. 230 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:45,273 - Shit. - Yeah. And they're saying 231 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,318 that you fired the starter pistol on a new leadership bid. 232 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,913 - OLLY: I've got it on here. - I mean, yes. Absolutely. 233 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,912 At some point, I would love there to be a female leader. 234 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,434 But I believe that the current Prime Minister 235 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,795 is absolutely the best man for the job. 236 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,758 No! I said "person" and you went "huh" over it. 237 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,558 - This is bad. - It wasn't on a microphone... 238 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,278 - It is fucking bad. - I know that. 239 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,477 Terri, get on to the BBC, fucking nuke them. 240 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,233 - Nuke them and rebuke them. - Yep. Got it. 241 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,117 Malcolm, maybe we're making matters worse. 242 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,758 We're making them think we've got a live one. 243 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,239 I just think we're overreacting. 244 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,309 No, no, no, no, no. 245 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:19,039 We nip this in the fucking knackers now, okay? 246 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,997 It's been a wonderful experience here. 247 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,672 I think I'll leave you all to it. My work here is done. 248 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,796 Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no. You're staying here, mate. 249 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:26,632 I'm not staying here. You haven't even got biscuits here. 250 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:30,315 You stay here, right? The situation's fucking febrile. 251 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,039 You don't fucking know what febrile means. 252 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:34,519 - No. - No, you don't. It means 253 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,830 there are going to be hysterical journalists, right? 254 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,036 Watching every fucking move we make. 255 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,873 So I want you unplugged from the mains until the danger's past. 256 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,838 TERRl: Right. There's a few journalists out there already. 257 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,434 See? See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy. 258 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:48,748 Yeah. Well, not in here, it's not. 259 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:51,559 Don't panic, Orca. We'll get sandwiches, okay? 260 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,358 - How many are there there? - OLLY: Eight. 261 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,476 Right. Eight constitutes a lockdown. 262 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,357 Right, people, listen up! 263 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,874 It's a fucking lockdown. Right now. 264 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,157 Oh, come off it. We're not in a prison drama, are we? 265 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,232 We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking Shawshank Redemption, right? 266 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,880 But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption. 267 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,349 Right, people, nobody move. Right. Nobody move, 268 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,237 nobody gets fucking truncheoned in the face. 269 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,072 This is a lockdown, right? 270 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:18,835 What that means is this office is now an isolation unit. 271 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,433 Do not use the phones. 272 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,956 No fucking emails. No phones, Glenn. Come on. 273 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,189 I've got to go. Bye. 274 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,679 - Terri? - Yes. 275 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,871 - I'm here. - Get on the phone to the fucking BBC. 276 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,520 Come on. Everybody else, stay Chaplin. 277 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:32,999 Is that trainers that she's wearing? 278 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,435 Are you wearing fucking trainers? You're supposed to be a civil servant, 279 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:36,953 not a fucking playgroup assistant. 280 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,439 (MOBILE RINGING) 281 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,590 Steve, oh, the man himself. 282 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,472 Yes, what is it? 283 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:50,035 It's like wet play, isn't it? 284 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:52,238 Queen to knight four. 285 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:54,311 I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn. 286 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:57,198 I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something. 287 00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:58,315 - Do you mind? - Oh, what? 288 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,038 Can you not multitask, Deep Beige? 289 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,109 (CHUCKLES) 290 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,792 What, check? Oh! 291 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,752 - Fuck you. - Well, you know, 292 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:08,594 politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them. 293 00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,033 Excuse me. 294 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:11,838 (JOURNALISTS CLAMOURING) 295 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,071 Oh, that's what we need, yes. The one-man smarmy army. 296 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:16,879 Malcolm, is it George Alagiah? 297 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,393 - What? What? - NICOLA: Fuck. It's George Alagiah! 298 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:19,754 - Is he here for me? - What? 299 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,990 George Alagiah's here for me. They're going to use everything now. 300 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:23,593 It's just going to be a free-for-all. They're going to... 301 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,274 They're even going to dig out that picture of me at the sports day 302 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,157 looking like Catweazle with learning difficulties. 303 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:31,710 GLENN: "Nicola Murray will today later use a policy speech 304 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:32,994 "to announce her candidacy." 305 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:36,197 Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. 306 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:39,716 Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? 307 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,553 She's an idiot. 308 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:43,433 I know that she's in the cabinet, 309 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,512 but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? 310 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,513 I mean, she's very close to the action but hardly likely to score a goal. 311 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,875 That... No! That... How is that offensive? 312 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,679 That is a very fair and accurate portrayal 313 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:58,274 of just how fucking retarded she is. 314 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,035 NICOLA: You're really enjoying this, aren't you, Ben? 315 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,315 You haven't had this much fun since you went to Cadbury World. 316 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:04,992 Oh, come on, Nicola, you've got to admit, 317 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,991 from the outside, it's pretty funny. 318 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,672 I mean, the Prime Minister goes away 319 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,637 and you're dressed up as one of the ThunderCats. 320 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:13,753 (COUGHS) So awful, isn't it, 321 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,274 some of the things people write on these comments. 322 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,318 Oh! I mean, they are, totally. So cruel, isn't it? 323 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,470 "Nicola Murray is staging a leadership bid. 324 00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,996 "Who is Nicola Murray? I have literally never heard of her. 325 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,479 "She doesn't exist." 326 00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:31,031 "I would rather cut off my hands than vote for that disgrace." 327 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,757 "Does anyone else here think she looks like Heath Ledger 328 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,717 "in The Dark Knight?" 329 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,438 Are you emailing? 330 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,478 Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today? 331 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,551 Did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk? 332 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:44,834 No. 333 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,115 - Yes, a bit. - What are you saying? 334 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,953 Just, you know, "Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. 335 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,429 "Have a look at this clip of her online staking her bid." 336 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:54,794 You treacherous shit. 337 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,599 Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha. 338 00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,352 Why are you doing this? 339 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:03,513 Because I'm bored, it's funny and... and I hate you. 340 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,556 There you are. The holy trinity of why. 341 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:09,235 Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion. 342 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,038 - Right. Bit of good news. - What? 343 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,873 - Two bits, actually. Um... - Enough. 344 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,669 Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. 345 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,672 So, one at a time. Private Godfrey, get to your station. 346 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,591 I want to hear what the word is on the street. 347 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:26,036 All right. "Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. 348 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:30,159 "Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid." 349 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,073 Right. I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face 350 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,197 just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen. 351 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,510 And get myself a sandwich. I'm fucking starving. 352 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,795 What did I just fucking say? What did I just fucking say? 353 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,599 I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. 354 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:48,395 I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking come. 355 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,198 Stand the fuck up! 356 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,671 Fucking move, right! 357 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,434 See that? Fucking play with that, right? 358 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,317 Never mind your fucking toys. Play with that. 359 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:02,188 Go and stand in that fucking corner. Stand over there, right? 360 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,708 And do not move 361 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,918 or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you 362 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,629 with a fucking rusty spade and I'll have your kidneys for fucking cufflinks. 363 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,638 Terri, good news, I believe. 364 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,518 You were about to tell us some good fucking news. 365 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:19,635 What the fuck is it? 366 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:20,869 Right. Yeah, okay. 367 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,635 Uh, well according to my online tracker, the pizza is here. 368 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:26,315 - Hooray! - And the second bit 369 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,995 is that The Mail is backing Nicola's leadership bid 370 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:33,231 because of the stand she's taken against shoddy journalism at the BBC. 371 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:36,118 What? No wonder George Alagiah's here. 372 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,760 He'll probably come at me with a fucking Stanley knife. 373 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:43,231 I knew this would happen. I actually fucking said this would happen, Malcolm. 374 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:44,992 What do we do now? 375 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,319 Hello? Say something. 376 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,391 (MOBILE RINGING) 377 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,153 Oh, Steve. Hi, there. 378 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:55,038 I'm going to slip into a diabetic coma at this rate. 379 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,917 - (MOBILE PHONE RINGING) - Shit! 380 00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:59,112 Better take this elsewhere. 381 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,589 OLLY: Hey, Ben, sorry you don't have your magic drawer any more. 382 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,272 - I think I might. I think I do. - What? 383 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,793 - Fuck, if it's still there... - It's been four months, Ben, 384 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:05,869 it can't still be there. 385 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,518 Well, who's going to know? Look, I've hidden it... 386 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,114 OLLY: Well, I know. BEN: (LAUGHS) Get in! 387 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,913 - Sweet giver of blood sugar. Mmm. - TERRl: Right. 388 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,549 I'm going to go down personally and pick up the pizza myself. 389 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,756 Can you do savoury after sweet? Is that... 390 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,717 - Yes. - Right. Okay. 391 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:23,958 Tom is as mad as a dickless dog. Right? 392 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,396 He is specifically very, very fucking angry at you, Nicola. 393 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,199 - Oh, fantastic. - Uh, then we should cancel tonight? 394 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:31,599 - Tonight? What's tonight? - OLLY: Well, 395 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,033 - it's the Fourth Sector... - It's the Fourth Sector... 396 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:34,269 It's my Fourth Sector launch. 397 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,395 Are these going down to the room? 398 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,311 Don't fuck with that... Just fucking... 399 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,436 - I thought you... - One at a time, right? 400 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,637 Terri, get the minister's car. Downstairs. Right now. 401 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,631 - Right. Why? - Right. Never mind fucking why. 402 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,473 Just fucking do it, Holly Golightly. Come on. 403 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,198 Nicola, I want you to go down there 404 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,919 and I just want you to pretend that you've got an appointment to go to. 405 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,150 And this is what you say, right? 406 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,800 - Say? - You are not challenging Tom at all. 407 00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:58,632 - Oh, fuck. - Tom is the man 408 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:01,518 to lead the country through this difficult crisis, right? 409 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,397 Tom is the man of the moment. 410 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,278 Then you get in your car and you just fucking drive about, 411 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,511 go and do some sightseeing or attach a hose pipe to the exhaust, whatever. 412 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,273 Nicola Murray is fucking coming, okay? 413 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,588 See, you? 414 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,074 Get me a fucking Curly Wurly, right? 415 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,515 - Would you like a bit of concealer? - No. No. 416 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,352 This is it. It's going to work. Okay, get out there. 417 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,192 - He's the man of the moment. - You've got the confidence. That's it. 418 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,554 - He's the man of the moment. - Look at that gait. 419 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:23,675 - I'll be there. - You can't buy that. 420 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,155 That's fucking class. Nicola Murray is back. 421 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,674 She's back. She's back on track. 422 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,637 It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. 423 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,790 Look, a Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder. 424 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,279 Your hands have got bigger. 425 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:35,839 I'm going for it. Okay... 426 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:37,069 jOURNALISTS: Mrs Murray... 427 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:38,759 (ALL CLAMOURING) 428 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,716 REPORTER 1: Does the Prime Minister have your full support? 429 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,153 NICOLA: He absolutely does. Yes. 430 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:44,958 REPORTER 2: So does Mr Cullen have your support, too? 431 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,473 Uh... Uh, sorry. What? 432 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,915 Glenn Cullen. Are you backing his campaign to be an MP? 433 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,069 NICOLA: I don't know what that's about. 434 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:51,479 (CHUCKLES) Glenn? 435 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,119 - Who are you backing? - There is nothing. 436 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,997 I'm backing the Prime Minister. 437 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,988 The Prime Minister is absolutely the right man for the moment. 438 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:00,115 - Not for the moment. - For the moment? 439 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,555 That's the worst possible thing that you could say here. 440 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,119 Terri, get the dozy giblet back in here. 441 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,430 Get her back in here. Don't let her get in the car. 442 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,158 You've got to come back out. Malcolm says... 443 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,390 - Shit. - We've got pizza in there. 444 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:11,515 Thank you. 445 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:12,953 REPORTER 3: Have you changed your mind? 446 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,314 Does he have your full backing? 447 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,118 Yes, I do. The Prime Minister, as I said, 448 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,997 is the right man for the moment. 449 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,593 Oh, not again. 450 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,716 First class media work there. 451 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,637 - TERRl: Pizza! - Ooh! Good. 452 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,555 - Well done. - That was utterly humiliating. 453 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,791 - For fuck's sake, Malcolm! - Shouldn't that be "of fuck's sake"? 454 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,394 - I don't know what you're taking about. - May I just quote it to you? 455 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,119 "The Prime Minister is the right man for the moment." 456 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:41,189 Yeah. That's what you told me to say. 457 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,874 Of the moment. Of the moment. I told you to say 458 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:44,995 of the fucking moment. 459 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,230 It's a huge difference between me saying to you, 460 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,517 "Nicola, I would like to go for a lovely walk with you" 461 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:54,593 and, "Nicola, I would like to make a hat out of your fucking entrails." 462 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:55,669 (MOBILE RINGS) 463 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:56,829 Excuse me. 464 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,114 Steven. 465 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,550 Yes. Well, you can tell Tom right now 466 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:03,234 that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 467 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:04,514 You, Glenn. So, here's a thing. 468 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:05,953 Apparently, you're going to be an MP. 469 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,314 You didn't talk to me about that. 470 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,231 Glenn's not standing, don't be silly. 471 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:10,719 - Go on, tell her. - Go on. Tell me more. 472 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,472 Terri, can I just get a word in? 473 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:13,913 Look at this, takeaway and a fight. 474 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,116 All I need now is a hand job in a bus shelter, 475 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,792 - I've had the great British night out. - Oh! 476 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,279 Excuse me. I'm off for a doze. 477 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,193 Nicola, I know we're not allowed to take any calls 478 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,429 but this is your husband. 479 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,033 Fine. Thank you. 480 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,793 James. Do you actually even know me, James? 481 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,836 Do you even know who I am? 482 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,195 I think it's shut-up time now, James. 483 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:36,432 So one last thing. When I promised to love, honour and obey you, 484 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:38,795 it was a massive practical joke! 485 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,758 - Hi. Yes. - Sorry, Nicola. 486 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,637 Just a quick cup of coffee. 487 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,951 How is your husband? Um... Sounds a bit upset, is he? 488 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:51,635 Upset? No. He wants me to stand. He thinks this is fucking great. 489 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,792 He just wants to show off about me to the rugby club dinner. 490 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,314 "Hello, everybody. This is my wife, the Prime Minister." 491 00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,073 "Hello, JB, have you met my wife, the Prime Minister? 492 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,116 "How's your wife, the little lady?" 493 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,909 - It's nice that he's being supportive. - He's not being supportive, he's... 494 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:07,553 james is... 495 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,392 He is not a supporting wall. 496 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,596 He is a partition 497 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,477 and I'm going to have him knocked through. 498 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:16,393 Nicola, I'm going to take off my media hat. 499 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,710 I honestly never thought you had one. 500 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,314 Have you thought about couples counselling? 501 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:25,393 Uh, yes. Look, uh, James 502 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,673 will not go to Relate 503 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:32,196 and even if he did, George Alagiah would be outside 504 00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,635 with a big News 24 cup pressed against the wall, so... 505 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,393 Well, you know, it can work wonders. 506 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,598 Can it? Okay. 507 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:42,793 You're speaking from experience, are you? 508 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,438 Oh, well, I mean... 509 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:47,751 I mean, I keep my professional life very, very separate from my home life, 510 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:48,955 - obviously, I mean... - Yeah. 511 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:50,314 You know, I always say, 512 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,914 "What goes on behind my front door stays behind my front door." 513 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,639 - I mean, that is my motto. So... - Yeah. 514 00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:59,229 Uh, my motto would be... 515 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,436 Could I have another cup of coffee, Terri? 516 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,272 Well, I just did bring you a cup. 517 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,750 Yeah, I got that one. Registered that and would love another one. 518 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,353 It's just that kind of a day. 519 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,159 - Right. Where's Hale and Pacemaker? - Who? 520 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:12,639 Glenn and fucking Olly. Where are they? 521 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:13,869 I don't know. 522 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,678 I need them back here, anyway, for the launch. 523 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:17,113 For the launch? 524 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,270 The launch. The Fourth, the Fourth... 525 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,635 The Fourth Sector launch, Malcolm. Jesus! 526 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,995 You're about as on the ball today as a dead seal! 527 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,593 Hey, that's one of my fucking lines. 528 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:27,318 There is a launch party tonight. 529 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,836 A load of press are coming and I haven't even started my speech. 530 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,559 - I don't know how to start my speech. - Just fucking start with a joke. 531 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,312 - They all like a joke. - Oh, great. I'll start with a joke. 532 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,038 Great advice. Thanks, Malcolm. 533 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,791 Malcolm, this launch, 534 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,711 is it something that should really happen? 535 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,360 We can't cancel it, can we? But she can't do this. 536 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:45,793 There's no fucking way that she can do this. 537 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,711 It's too fucking hot, right? 538 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:49,558 We'll have to get a stunt double. 539 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:50,709 Ben. 540 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:52,469 Ben, yes. 541 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,278 He can do it in drag. It'll be fine. 542 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,749 I mean, Nicola's been looking like a fucking tranny, anyway. 543 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,990 I really don't think that's a good idea, Malcolm. 544 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:00,832 Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? 545 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,876 When I need your advice, I'll give you the special signal, 546 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,713 which is me being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act. 547 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,189 Ben, let me help you. Um, what about some makeup? 548 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:09,998 No, I don't want any of your bloody makeup. 549 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,672 What, are you on commission or something? 550 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,149 All right. Well, that's it. That's my Fourth Sector speech. 551 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,593 - OLLY: Do you want me to take it... - Not so fast. 552 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,193 No, no. I'm sorry, Nicola. 553 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:19,236 - Malcolm, they see me... - No, you're not doing the launch. 554 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,754 I can't have you launching things at this moment in time. Come on. 555 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:23,478 - Malcolm, I have to do this. - Get the fuck back. 556 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,312 - I know. I'm sorry. - Who else is going to launch it? 557 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,391 Ben's going to be announcing the Fourth Sector tonight. 558 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:28,799 - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Yes. 559 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:30,916 Although it might be difficult to smash a champagne bottle 560 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:31,989 on a turd. 561 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,069 (ALL ARGUING) 562 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,594 Can I just... Just let me try and communicate here. 563 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:37,113 - Oh. - Malcolm. 564 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,390 It's hard for me to say this, uh, but I'm afraid 565 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,313 the thing is, a lot of calls you've made today, 566 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,595 they've been off, wrong. 567 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,238 Not the right calls. 568 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,231 (STAMMERING) Okay. I'll give you some examples 569 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,356 'cause I can see that that's tough. 570 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:53,113 Okay, first one, you didn't even send that email. 571 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:54,952 It was still in drafts, okay? 572 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,715 Then secondly, it was you that told me to make that big attack on the BBC. 573 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,155 - NICOLA: That's right. - And I'm afraid we did look silly 574 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:03,993 running around outside, getting in and out of a car. 575 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,752 I mean, look, Malcolm, I know that, you know, 576 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,558 Steve Fleming's come back on the scene. 577 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,791 Are you feeling emasculated by that? Is it... 578 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:14,232 It's like you're a catherine wheel and you fell off the stick. 579 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,548 You're going... 580 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,118 But not in the right way. 581 00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:20,749 Um, I think you're wrong, Malcolm. 582 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,029 You're like a sultana in a salad. 583 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,796 Terri, can we have a word? 584 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,479 (WHISPERS) Fucking hell. 585 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:43,793 How fucking dare you? 586 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:47,430 Have you any idea of the amount of pressure 587 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,511 that has been exerted on my skull, huh? 588 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,991 It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied 589 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,911 into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. 590 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,514 Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets that contain 591 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,830 my living, breathing fucking brain. 592 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,035 Malcolm, I'm really sorry. I... 593 00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:03,237 And these crisp packets, cheese and onion, 594 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,553 smoky bacon, have been stomped on. 595 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,315 They've been fucking stomped on! 596 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:10,799 Ben, fucking Nicola... 597 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,952 - I didn't mean to be horrid. - And fucking you! 598 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:19,359 I'm sorry. 599 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:21,153 - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 600 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,879 No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise. 601 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,269 Don't you fucking apologise. You don't need to apologise. 602 00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:28,078 I love this place. I do. 603 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:32,631 I mean, fucking, compared to Number 10, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? 604 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:36,633 Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean, it's like a fucking cancer ward. 605 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,109 I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. 606 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,760 They are screaming, "You gave me this fucking disease." 607 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,512 "You gave me this fucking disease." 608 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:47,275 And every corner that I turn there's another threat, Terri. 609 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,472 Hacks, hacks, fucking vampire hacks. 610 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:51,675 And they're slaughtering us, Terri. 611 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:55,116 They are fucking slaughtering us and they want my face for a flannel! 612 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,553 - Yeah. - And you know what? 613 00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:01,031 I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri. I used to be the fucking pharaoh. 614 00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,314 Mmm. 615 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:06,793 Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit. 616 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,274 But I am going to fashion a paddle out of that shit. 617 00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:11,952 - Yeah? - Mmm. 618 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,355 - Good idea. - I'm not going down. 619 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,436 I am not going down. Yeah? 620 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,119 (SOFTLY) Yeah. 621 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,468 How are you feeling about things? 622 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,835 Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, 623 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,879 you know, make sure I can still get home by 6:00. 624 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:31,795 - Do you want a huggle? - No, I think... 625 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:32,949 That's nice of you. I really appreciate it. 626 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,156 Terri, it's been nice to have a chat but I have to get on. 627 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,355 - Okay. - Yeah. 628 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,635 - Let's get back on track. - Get back on track. 629 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:42,076 - As they say, right? - Remind me to use that phrase. 630 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:45,789 All righty-o. Okay, Nicola, can I see you in your office, please? 631 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:47,518 What did he say? 632 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,909 I don't know. It was all about ancient Egypt. 633 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,399 - Ancient Egypt? - Yeah. 634 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:52,708 The Fourth Sector? 635 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,679 What is the Fourth Sector, you seem to ask? 636 00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:58,796 A good question. That's a really good question. 637 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,998 I reply. Well, let's start at the... 638 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,954 Ben is doing the best he can. 639 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:08,839 Oh, shit, is he? 640 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:10,558 There are four... 641 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:12,399 The Fourth... There are four sectors. 642 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,789 Imagine a cake that has been... 643 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:18,350 that has been cut into four slices. 644 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,317 The Cake of Good Hope. 645 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,439 - (WHISPERING) Malcolm... - No. 646 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:25,589 - I'm going to go for it. Yes, I am. - No, no. 647 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,716 - Are you sure that's wise? - Cover me. All right? 648 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:30,189 No. Nicola, no. 649 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:31,508 Now, I really should be wearing my trainers. 650 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:33,079 Nicola! Nicola, no! 651 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,116 Nicola, no! 652 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:37,069 Will make a valuable... 653 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:39,037 make a valuable contribution to society 654 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:42,590 with all four sectors of the cake. And here... 655 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:46,788 Here is Nicola Murray to tell you more. 656 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,634 - Nicola Murray. - Hello. Hi. 657 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,351 No need to stand, as the PM said to me this morning. 658 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:54,589 (CHUCKLES) 659 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,274 A colleague of mine said you should always start with a joke. 660 00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:59,396 And, uh... One other thing. 661 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,153 Just about earlier on, with the... the thing with the car, 662 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:03,593 that was all a bit odd. 663 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:05,875 The explanation is I suffer from car sickness. 664 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:09,475 And sometimes I get ill even in a stationary car. 665 00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:13,519 Uh, I actually once threw up watching an edition of Top Gear. 666 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,069 But that was chiefly 'cause I don't like Jeremy Paxman. 667 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:17,798 Uh, Clarkson, isn't it? 668 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:19,677 (CHUCKLES) Anyway, 669 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:22,274 the Fourth Sector is something I feel very passionate about. 670 00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:24,476 So let me try and explain it to you. 671 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,472 I don't know if Ben's talked to you about the cake image. 672 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,437 Let's imagine I'm a mum, 'cause I am, 673 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:32,592 and I'm trying to bake a cake for my children. 674 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:34,910 And my aim is to bake a cake 675 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,355 that actually can consume itself, 676 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,874 'cause that in a sense is what the Fourth Sector is doing. 677 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,599 We're baking a self-eating cake. 678 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,595 I've written a couple of other things which I can't quite read, 679 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:47,749 uh, because I've written them in a hurry. 680 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,718 So, the point is this leaflet tells you all you need to know, 681 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:52,279 actually, you don't need me wittering. 682 00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:54,555 So why don't you help yourself to the literature. 683 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,631 Help yourself to... We haven't got a cake, but... 684 00:26:56,720 --> 00:27:00,793 Uh, 'cause it's eaten itself, but we have got nuts. 685 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,437 Sorry, sorry. We haven't got any nuts. We've just got Skips. 686 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,636 - We've got no nuts. DoSAC has no nuts. - And some Twiglets. 687 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,598 There's a headline. Please don't use it. 688 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:11,834 Ah. 689 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,277 Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 690 00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:15,349 Nope. 691 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:17,591 Well, uh, more good news. 692 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:23,312 I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed 693 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,510 by the U-boat that was you. 694 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,309 The selection committee 695 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:33,075 decided that my association with you was too divisive. 696 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:34,949 OLLY: The dream is over, eh? 697 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,838 I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 698 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:40,798 Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 699 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:45,749 By flying so close to your bright Sun, like Icarus I have crashed to the Earth, 700 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:47,149 and died. 701 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:48,913 Nicola, I've got to tell you, 702 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,798 that was one of the best live performances I've ever seen. 703 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,393 And I've seen fucking Stomp! 704 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:56,870 It was a consummate piece of fucking incompetence. 705 00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,316 Yeah, that's what I thought I'd do, take the heat off. 706 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,197 (CLEARING THROAT) The blog's updating. 707 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:04,635 Am I still a leadership contender? 708 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:07,154 Nope. Not at all. 709 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:09,158 Well, good. Good. 710 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:11,631 - Not even an outsider? - No. 711 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:13,472 What are they saying? 712 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,318 You don't really want to know what they're saying. Not exactly 713 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:19,114 what they're saying. Sorry. 714 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:20,997 NICOLA: What a fucking day! 715 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:23,993 MALCOLM: Ladies and gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over, 716 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:26,548 please mop up your shit and fuck off home. 717 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:30,519 Good news, BBC is gonna issue an apology for the way they edited the video. 718 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:33,114 MALCOLM: The BB fucking C, yeah, 719 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:35,998 I mean, they crumble at the first sign of pressure, like an old woman's hip. 720 00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:38,435 That's why they've got a fucking programme called Sorry! 721 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:40,476 Right, the PM is coming home early, 722 00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:44,519 and he's asked for an audience with Senor Malcolm Tucker. 723 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:47,160 So I'm getting my paddle, Terri, I'm getting my paddle. 724 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,356 Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh? 725 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:51,908 - Yeah, sure. - Make sure that Ben does. 726 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:55,151 Oh, and Glenn... Glenn, I've got a very special task for you, 727 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:57,708 - my unelectable friend. - What's that? 728 00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,109 Turn the fucking phones back on. 729 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:02,876 OLLY: Night, Malcolm.