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www.titlovi.com

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Excuse me. Excuse me?

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I know you.

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Don't I know you?
- No.

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Hey, hey, hold that door!

6
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You cold? You
need something to warm you up?

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No. You know what you can do, you
can burn this whole place down...

8
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...so I don't have to do
this fucking nostalgia night.

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Prepare yourself, it's not as
big a house as they thought.

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I think the weather kept people home.
- See the marquee?

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<i>It's like Night of the Living
Dead. I should fire you for this.</i>

12
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then you'll get a gray hair in a place you thought...

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...God would be nice enough to just
leave alone.

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I'm liking menopause.
Makes me surly. JACKIE: Ahem.

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Jackie B.
- Hey.

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Jimmie Walker.
- Jackie. Jackie Burke.

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Man, thanks for coming. I really
appreciate it. Thanks for having me.

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Hey, look. Small crowd, but
they're very, very lively.

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Well, you know, I can
play to one person.

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Sometimes I play with myself.

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Heh. Jackie. It's a family audience.
- Good.

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you do one joke
about a gray snatch hair.

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So you find the gray hair...

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And then he said, "Okay. You
know you have to brush this on."

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<i>Which, oh, quelle surprise, I
thought I'd just shake it up...</i>

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...pour it down till it quit
burning, have a hot apple pie.

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It's like I'm an addled girl.

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He goes, "You have to sit there with
your legs apart for a half hour."

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"Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama, how do
you think we got the fence painted?"

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That's my proudest joke.

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You're the best under
fire! WOMAN 2: We love you, Grace!

32
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<i>Miss Grace Under
Fire, Miss Brett Butler!</i>

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How you doing?
- If I ever do one of these again, shoot me.

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Don't worry. I'll do
us both with one bullet.

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We got a guy coming on now. A
legend, ladies and gentlemen.

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<i>Hickory Dickory Dock, I
got to rot! back the clock.</i>

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That's right. Because we are ready
to bring up a young man that...

38
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...when he was on TV...

39
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...there was no electricity.

40
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<i>When he was on TV, Little House
on the Prairie was just a shack...</i>

41
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...ladies and gentlemen. -He is devastating...
- What am I getting for this gig?

42
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You get a percentage of the door.
So that's, uh, $11 and a burger.

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Your commission's gonna be a pickle.
- Sure. Like always.

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The man that you know from
the hit sitcom Eddie's Home.

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Ladies and gentlemen, let's put
our hands together for Eddie.

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<i>Arlene.
- Eddie, look. I carved a pumpkin.</i>

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<i>Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.</i>

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<i>Arlene, when your son
decides... MAN: We love your hair.</i>

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<i>...to dress up like a ballerina...</i>

50
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<i>...it's no longer
about trick-or-treating.</i>

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<i>Eddie, he's only 11 and a half.</i>

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<i>Give him a chance to find
himself. He needs to explore.</i>

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<i>Arlene. Arlene. MAN: Explore.</i>

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<i>Arlene!</i>

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Mr. Jackie Burke is in the
house, ladies and gentlemen.

56
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You staying?
- Yeah. I'll drive you home.

57
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Jackie Burke is here. Holy cow.

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Eddie's home!

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<i>♪ Eddie's home N'</i>

60
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Give it up.

61
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Give it up for JJ
"Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker.

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He's the living proof that black might
not crack, but it definitely decomposes.

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<i>Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.</i>

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Yeah. I know a lot of you are
here because you love Eddie. Yeah.

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Well, I have bad news for you.

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Eddie died. AUDIENCE:
Aww. JACKIE: Yeah.

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Yeah. He died a long
time ago, 30 years ago...

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...along with my career
and Brett Butler's eggs.

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Oh!
- Okay. Enough about me.

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Let's talk about this
abortion of a town you live in.

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Hicksville! How did they ever come
up with a name like "Hicksville"?

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I looked up "Hicksville" on Wikipedia.
It said "inbreeding" and "crystal meth."

73
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So why don't you change your name to
something more pleasant like Somalia?

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But don't worry, Hicksville.

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When you grow up, you,
also, can change your name.

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I changed my name. I
wasn't always Jackie.

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When I was born, my parents
named me, you know what? Jakov.

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No!

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Jakov Berkowitz. Yeah. That's
right. It's that big, girls.

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I mean, even the Jewish kids
beat me up with a name like that.

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Can I help you all with
something, huh? Huh?

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What's going on here?
- Bachelorette party!

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Bachelorette party! Oh!

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Eight girls sharing one brain.

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Who's the lucky girl?
- I am. Don't look so happy, sweetheart.

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Right now, your fiancé's in a
strip club licking whipped cream...

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...out of some girl's
asshole.

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Hey, come on, don't get sad.
I'm just breaking your balls.

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You're getting married to one
dick for the rest of your life.

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What could be more exciting than that?

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Yay!

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Oh, my God, Jackie. You
shouldn't do marriage jokes.

93
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O.J. Simpson was a
better husband than you.

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It's not about you, you selfish
bastard. It's about them.

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Keep it light and fun and positive.

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Marriage will suck every speck
of life out of your soul...

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...until there's nothing left but
one big, giant, festering sore.

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Good luck.

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It's not just me. I don't think
humans were meant to be married.

100
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I mean, you want a relationship?

101
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Get a canary, get a fish. Get a
fucking chicken.

102
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Get a dog.

103
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A dog is always happy to see
you. A dog doesn't judge you.

104
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The dog is just there.

105
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I'm late, my dog's like,
“Hey, Jackie, no big deal."

106
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I forget to feed him, "It's
okay, Jackie. I'm a fat fuck.

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I gotta lose some
weight. It's all right."

108
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I come home smelling like
pussy, and he doesn't get mad.

109
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He just wags his tail
and licks my fingers.

110
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Enough of this "dog"
shit! Come on, do "Eddie."

111
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Not now, pal, please.
Can you help me out?

112
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Yeah. No. I didn't come
here to hear new shit.

113
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I came to see Eddie. MAN 1: Shut up.

114
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Hey, Hodor, shouldn't you
be down at the playground...

115
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...luring kids into a
windowless van? MAN 2: Hodor!

116
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Ha, ha. Hey, I'm the audience.

117
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You're hereto entertain
me. You work for me.

118
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Ooh.
- You hear that? I work for him.

119
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All right, boss, how about you
give me an early Christmas bonus...

120
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...and tongue my balls.

121
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Calm down. You chose this
career, you fucking idiot.

122
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You could've been a
doctor or a lawyer...

123
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...but you chose to beg drunken
strangers for love and attention.

124
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Just try to make everyone happy,
so you can go home and jerk off.

125
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Hey, look, man. I don't
wanna fight. Let's be friends.

126
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Can someone do me a favor,
get a drink for this guy...

127
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...and a bag of oats for his wife?

128
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:07,339
Bullshit. You getting this, Amy?
- I don't want that shit in our webisode.

129
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:10,384
Webisode? Your shit? What web-?
What the fuck are you doing?

130
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,473
<i>Welcome to Stand-Up Take Down.</i>

131
00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:15,764
Webisode 19.
- What you doing? Are you taping me?

132
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This is my show, old man.
I'm here to take you down.

133
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Give me that.
- No, you give me that mic.

134
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Take me down? What are you doing?
- Wanna go joke to joke with me, Eddie?

135
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:26,821
Take your hands off my mic.
- You wanna dance? Let's go.

136
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:29,202
Let go of the mic.
- This is my show, buddy.

137
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,577
You getting this, Amy? This is my show.

138
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You're the joke, old man.
You're the fucking joke.

139
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You want the mic? You want it?
- Yeah.

140
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Oh, shit! Baby!

141
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What is wrong with
you? You crazy bastard!

142
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Oh, my God, are you okay?

143
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<i>And I'm here to take you down.</i>

144
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<i>What the fuck are you doing, my
friend? Give me that goddamn...</i>

145
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:59,107
<i>No, you give me that mic.</i>

146
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:04,237
Your Honor, as you can clearly see,
Mr. Severin grabbed Mr. Berkowitz first.

147
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:09,993
Mr. Berkowitz warned Mr. Severin
several times to desist, and he refused.

148
00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:12,620
<i>Wanna go joke to joke with me?
- Let go of the mic.</i>

149
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,998
<i>Let go of the mic.
- You're the joke, old man.</i>

150
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,453
Any objection to probation?

151
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,374
With a strong public apology and
substantial community service.

152
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:26,210
Jakob Berkowitz, please
rise. JUDGE: Jakob Berkowitz...

153
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,220
...the court understands there
are mitigating circumstances...

154
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:31,507
...but nothing excuses your retaliation.

155
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:36,099
It is in the judgment of this court that
you serve 100 hours of community service.

156
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:38,229
You will attend 10
anger-management sessions...

157
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,891
...and you will make an
allocution and an apology.

158
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:44,023
Do you understand, Mr. Berkowitz?
- Yes, Your Honor. -Good.

159
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,859
And in accordance with this agreement,
are you prepared to change your plea...

160
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...from "not guilty" to "guilty"?

161
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Yeah.
- Yes, Your Honor.

162
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:57,536
"I admit to assault and
battery on Mr. Severin.

163
00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:00,043
I recognize that I acted in
a weak and violent manner...

164
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:03,705
...and I will aggressively take steps to
ensure that it will never happen again.

165
00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:07,092
I also apologize to the
court and to my fans."

166
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,503
Do you have anything
to say to Mr. Severin?

167
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:16,263
Yes, Your Honor. Sorry.

168
00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:21,481
Come on, he can do better than
that. This is insulting. I'm hurt.

169
00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:26,649
Excuse me, Your Honor, but I think
the defendant can do better than that.

170
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:28,813
Mr. Severin could've
suffered brain damage.

171
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:31,699
Mr. Berkowitz, you wanna try that again?

172
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,326
Mr. Berkowitz...

173
00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:46,711
No. -No?

174
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:50,419
No?
- Mm. No. Your Honor...

175
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:52,758
...there's no way Mr. Severin
could've suffered brain damage...

176
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:55,640
...because according to the
law, the way I understand it...

177
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:58,927
...it has not been proven in this courtroom
that Mr. Severin, in fact, has a brain.

178
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:03,644
Mr. Berkowitz, do not
test me today in my court.

179
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:06,150
Look at him now, Your Honor.
You can tell by his face.

180
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,482
The look like Donald Trump
banged Alfred E. Neuman...

181
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,272
...after a night of
snorting thalidomide.

182
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,861
Can he say that to me?
- Order in the court. Order in the court.

183
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:15,026
Mr. Berkowitz, that's enough.
- Jackie, that's enough.

184
00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:18,241
Let me talk!
- All right. JACKIE: It isn't about me, Your Honor.

185
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,907
It's about the fate of
humanity, which is in your hands.

186
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,168
Look at him. He's with that woman.
They were together that night.

187
00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:26,746
What if they breed? Are you serious?

188
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,007
Objection.
- Get him out of here.

189
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,293
Mr. Berkowitz, you are in
contempt. LAWYER: We had a deal.

190
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,587
The people have changed
their mind. No deal.

191
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:37,383
Take him out of here. Nassau County
Correctional Facility for 30 days.

192
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,387
Order in the court. Order in the court.

193
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,852
Up the stairs.

194
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,444
All right, gentlemen, lock it in!

195
00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:59,655
Stop at the top of the landing.

196
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:11,083
Walk in four feet and stop.

197
00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:23,053
Okay, gentlemen. Ready? Let's give a
warm welcome to our newest resident.

198
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:27,273
♪ He's the king of his castle
♪

199
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,732
♪ Eddie's home
Where he's making a scene ♪

200
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:34,614
♪ Eddie's home With
the kid and Arlene ♪

201
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:36,194
♪ Eddie's home... ♪

202
00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:39,987
Suck my dick, asshole!
You gonna be my bitch.

203
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,906
♪ -or he's gonna
kick your ass N'

204
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,983
God, it's freezing. Let
me turn on these seat warmers.

205
00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:13,565
Bet you didn't have those in there.

206
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,522
I came up with some good stuff in there.

207
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,737
Smart. Good.

208
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:21,323
I'd try it out on you,
but you never, you know-

209
00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:24,456
You have no sense of humor.
- No, I don't.

210
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:27,162
I've never seen you laugh. Ever.

211
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:29,202
No, you haven't.
- Why is that?

212
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:32,748
Can you imagine if I had to be
an audience for all my comics?

213
00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,962
"You laughed at his joke,
you didn't laugh at mine."

214
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:37,297
"You think he's funny?
He's not even that funny."

215
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:41,340
Forget it. I just react to no one,
that way everybody feels equal.

216
00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,929
So you call that personal management?

217
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:46,015
Your father, at least, had
affection for his clients.

218
00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:49,021
Well, affection his
clients didn't have for him.

219
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:50,978
Got you the TV show, and you fired him.

220
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,518
No, that was a William Morris
package deal. Your father understood.

221
00:14:53,684 --> 00:14:55,482
Great. Just don't talk
to me about affection.

222
00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:58,569
I'm not talking about affection.
I'm talking about getting work.

223
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,984
You gotta stay in New York to
serve out your sentence, right?

224
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:04,829
There are no money gigs for you here.
You can do club work, $30 a show.

225
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:07,786
It will take you 7000 shows
just to pay off your attorney.

226
00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:11,999
I will get you Indian
Casino, Princess Cruise...

227
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:16,086
...something like that in a few months.
But as you know, they are hiring "Eddie."

228
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:19,093
I mean, I'm- I'm
hot now. I'm viral.

229
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:22,222
Take advantage of it. Your father
would've known how to do that.

230
00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:25,600
"Miller the Killer" I'd call him because
your old man would kill to get me a gig.

231
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:29,308
Yeah. Yeah. He loved it
when you called him that.

232
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:36,394
It killed him when you stopped.

233
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:38,313
Come on.

234
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,369
Hey.

235
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,588
Hey.

236
00:15:56,747 --> 00:16:00,752
What are you doing here?
- Happy Thanksgiving, baby.

237
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,672
Thanks. You said you weren't coming.

238
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,015
I flew in last night.

239
00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:08,802
Get in the car. I'll take you to work.
- I'm just gonna take the train.

240
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,847
It's freezing. Get in the
fucking car. -I'm already- No. No.

241
00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:13,811
I'm not gonna take a
limo to the soup kitchen.

242
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,850
I'm not gonna do it.
- Goddamn it. Follow us.

243
00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:18,111
Yes, Mr. Schiltz.

244
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:20,734
Jesus, it's 80 in Boca.

245
00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:23,116
Well, then go home, Dad.

246
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:26,820
Let me make this simple for
you: I need you to come back.

247
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,580
That what you wanna hear?
- I don't wanna hear anything.

248
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:31,457
The place doesn't work
the same without you.

249
00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:35,462
Those old people are not happy because
you're not there to take care of them.

250
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:38,339
We found something you're good
at. Why walk away from that?

251
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,627
See. That's what you do.
Don't say things like that.

252
00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:44,215
That's not nice. Don't-
- I meant it as a compliment.

253
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,881
It's not a compliment.
How is that a compliment?

254
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:50,473
You make me seem like I'm some kind
of problem that needs to be solved.

255
00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:53,514
Or like I can't figure things-
- You are a problem. Heh, heh.

256
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,770
I'm not doing this on my block.
- But I love you.

257
00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:59,607
That isn't love.
- Oh.

258
00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,864
My lawyer worked out an arrangement
with the court, so you can finish...

259
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:06,902
...your community service in Florida.
- You can't do that without me.

260
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,615
You can't do that without me.

261
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:12,624
What's in New York for you? You
got cheated on. You got dumped.

262
00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:16,498
So what? -You got arrested. -So
what? -These are not signs of success...

263
00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:18,379
...in this city.

264
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,295
Go home, Dad.
- Hey.

265
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:26,258
A week from Monday's my birthday
and you're having dinner with me.

266
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:30,266
No ifs, ands or buts.
You got it? Because...

267
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:33,477
♪ You are my sunshine
My only sunshine ♪

268
00:17:33,636 --> 00:17:35,183
You gotta be fucking kidding me.

269
00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:38,225
♪ You make me happy
When skies are gray ♪

270
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,269
Don't sing. ♪ You'll never
know, dear How much I love you ♪

271
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,733
Okay to dinner. No
singing. No more singing.

272
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,240
♪ Please don't take
my sunshine away N'

273
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,278
And having dinner with me is not a gift!

274
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:52,071
I want a gift too!

275
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:17,726
Here he is. The prick
who came in from the cold.

276
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,936
Place looks good.

277
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,727
It smells a lot more
Jewish than before. -Heh-heh.

278
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:25,988
Hey, Jay. You know my
famous brother, Jackie Burke?

279
00:18:26,147 --> 00:18:28,241
How you doing?
- Hi, Jay.

280
00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:31,202
Probably needs money.

281
00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:35,414
I need to talk to you.

282
00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,367
I was right'?

283
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:40,252
Jesus, I was kidding.

284
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,631
So you need money?
- No, it's fine. I'm fine.

285
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:46,087
Just doing my community service
over at the Apostles Mission.

286
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,252
I was in the neighborhood.
Thought I'd say hello.

287
00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:50,763
Community service? I
saw the fucking video.

288
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,719
How could you let a heckler
get to you like that?

289
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,601
It wasn't about the heckling.
It was the goddamn camera.

290
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,889
You know what they were doing?
Trying to use my act for their show.

291
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:01,478
Create their show out
of my act. It was crazy.

292
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,856
You looked crazy. -Yeah. So how
are you? -I'm good. You? -Good.

293
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:08,740
I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
Look, the only thing is, I- I-

294
00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:12,118
I lost a lot of gigs the last four
weeks because of what happened.

295
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:15,951
And Miller's re-booking them, but
I'm tapped out. I need a little-

296
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:18,207
You know what? You got
a lot of fucking nerve.

297
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:21,336
I don't see you. I don't hear from you.
- It happened so fast.

298
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:25,044
They take your phone in prison.
- I read in Google News you got arrested.

299
00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:27,083
Like I'm nothing to you.
- A lot of naked men.

300
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:29,718
Am I nothing to you? ls my family?
- I was preoccupied.

301
00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:31,470
Is that why-?
Jackie.

302
00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:38,595
Hello, Flo.

303
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,724
How nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.

304
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,440
Happy Thanksgiving.
- Happy Thanksgiving to y0u_

305
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:50,323
We haven't seen you for how long?
- Please...

306
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:53,234
Well, I was in prison.
- Oh, no, long before that.

307
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:56,120
So nice to see you.
- Nice to see you too. Nice to see you.

308
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,121
How are the kids?
- Kid.

309
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,499
We have one kid.
- She's an adult now.

310
00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:04,249
I forgot. Dementia. JIMMY: Yeah.
Yeah. -She's getting married. -Is she?

311
00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:07,291
Brittany's getting married?
I thought she was a dyke.

312
00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:11,211
You say "lesbian", asshole.

313
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:14,096
Sorry. You're right. I meant
"gay." JIMMY: And they get married.

314
00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:16,974
They can get married.
You don't have to come.

315
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:20,640
He doesn't have to come. We sent
you an invitation. We heard nothing.

316
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,101
I was in prison. I told
you. JIMMY: Before that.

317
00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:24,516
He doesn't have to come if he's busy.

318
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,434
You don't have to come
if it's too much trouble.

319
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,194
It's not too much trouble.
- If it's too much trouble, don't come.

320
00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:31,856
I don't need the aggravation
if it's trouble for you.

321
00:20:32,022 --> 00:20:34,241
I don't want it to become a thing.
- It's not a thing.

322
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,620
If it's gonna be a thing, don't bother.
- I don't think it's a thing.

323
00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:41,203
It's not a problem. It's not a thing.
I would love to come. I'll be there.

324
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:46,875
It's a week from Sunday. Yes.
- A week from Sunday? I will be there.

325
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:52,969
So you wanna stay and have
Thanksgiving dinner after we close?

326
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:57,052
Not really. I have an excuse
though, and I'll tell you what it is.

327
00:20:57,214 --> 00:21:01,185
I'm working at the mission. Double the
hours off my sentence for Thanksgiving.

328
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:08,146
God forbid you do it because it's nice.

329
00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:10,186
I need to speak to you...

330
00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:12,525
...when you two are finished.

331
00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:16,700
Not in this house.

332
00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:24,125
Oh, she hates me.
- No, she doesn't hate you.

333
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:28,166
She doesn't? Yeah, I was fucking
with you. Of course she hates you.

334
00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:31,920
You never show up unless you need
something. -That's it? -Yeah.

335
00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:34,926
Sensitive bitch. None
of my wives hated you.

336
00:21:35,085 --> 00:21:38,089
You were never married to any
of them long enough to meet me.

337
00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:40,132
So how much you need?

338
00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:43,887
I don't even remember. I'm so exhausted.

339
00:21:44,595 --> 00:21:46,689
Pop liked me better.

340
00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:49,016
Daddy did not like you better.

341
00:21:49,183 --> 00:21:51,561
No, he didn't.
- No, he didn't.

342
00:21:52,186 --> 00:21:55,816
Five thousand. No big deal.
You know you'll get it back.

343
00:21:57,775 --> 00:22:00,699
"You'll get it back."
Yeah, I'll get it back.

344
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,959
Daddy loved you. You know that. He did.

345
00:22:16,669 --> 00:22:20,515
My daughter idolizes her famous uncle.

346
00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:23,388
You better show up.

347
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:27,433
Thanks. And bring a gift.

348
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,728
Oh. That's gonna be extra.

349
00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:34,103
Go on.

350
00:22:41,819 --> 00:22:42,911
<i>Growing up...</i>

351
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:46,165
<i>...my family celebrated all
the Thanksgiving traditions.</i>

352
00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:49,998
My favorite was my Uncle Moshit's
telling of the Thanksgiving story.

353
00:22:50,411 --> 00:22:52,584
Anyway. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy-

354
00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:56,584
<i>Wow, did Duck Dynasty
get canceled?</i>

355
00:22:56,750 --> 00:23:00,175
Chris Rock, what the
fuck are you doing here?

356
00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:02,965
Hey, Chris, I was just
telling my Thanksgiving story.

357
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:06,389
Uncle Moshit told me that
before the first Thanksgiving...

358
00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:09,810
...the pilgrims thought that
turkeys were sex objects.

359
00:23:09,972 --> 00:23:13,977
They couldn't fly, and "gobble-gobble"
was Puritan for "blowjob."

360
00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:18,444
So when the Indians arrived, right
after the Macy's Day Parade...

361
00:23:18,606 --> 00:23:20,700
...they brought turkeys all trussed up.

362
00:23:20,858 --> 00:23:24,283
They were with cranberry
sauce and gravy and potatoes...

363
00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:26,823
...and the Pilgrims were
like- They were pissed.

364
00:23:26,989 --> 00:23:30,664
They were like, "What are they
doing? They're eating our fuck birds."

365
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:33,454
But you know, being Puritans,
they don't wanna be rude.

366
00:23:33,621 --> 00:23:36,044
But you know what? It turned out...

367
00:23:36,206 --> 00:23:41,929
...that the turkeys tasted even
better than going down on their wives!

368
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:44,802
Yeah!

369
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,969
Would you believe
that? That's the truth.

370
00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:50,354
So, what do you think the Puritans did?

371
00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:54,892
The Puritans stopped fucking the turkeys
and started fucking the Indians instead.

372
00:23:55,059 --> 00:23:56,777
That's how we stole their country...

373
00:23:56,936 --> 00:23:59,906
...and made the turkey
our national bird.

374
00:24:02,608 --> 00:24:06,449
Supervisor's office? -There.
Yeah. -Up there? -Mm-hm.

375
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:18,587
You really are a piece
of shit, you know that, George?

376
00:24:18,749 --> 00:24:21,172
Oh, how is it my fault?

377
00:24:21,335 --> 00:24:22,928
How is this my fault?

378
00:24:23,087 --> 00:24:27,092
I didn't it throw at her. I threw it
at you, and she stepped in the way.

379
00:24:27,257 --> 00:24:29,134
That's on her. That's not on me.

380
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:32,180
Who does that? She does.
Are you still seeing her?

381
00:24:32,346 --> 00:24:36,021
Are you with her? You're not
with her. You're not with her.

382
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:39,107
I follow you on lnstagram, you moron.

383
00:24:39,269 --> 00:24:41,488
I see what you're doing.

384
00:24:41,647 --> 00:24:44,742
Fuck you, George. Well, fuck you, then!

385
00:24:45,401 --> 00:24:47,403
No, fuck you, George.

386
00:24:47,569 --> 00:24:50,573
No. I am taking the high road right now.

387
00:24:50,739 --> 00:24:54,994
So are we gonna see each other
again, or is this over for good?

388
00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:05,091
Fuck you. Goddamn it.

389
00:25:05,254 --> 00:25:07,840
Kevin, you got the keys?

390
00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:09,725
What are you doing?
- I'm sorry- I-

391
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:12,602
Why are you standing there,
listening to a private conversation?

392
00:25:12,761 --> 00:25:15,139
I wasn't listening.
- It's a private conversation.

393
00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:17,808
I wasn't listening. I
was- - You can't eavesdrop...

394
00:25:17,975 --> 00:25:20,148
...on a private conversation.
- I wasn't.

395
00:25:20,310 --> 00:25:23,780
They asked me to come up to
have you sign this for my hours.

396
00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:27,151
You want the supervisor. That's
Bobbi. -She's at the store. -Okay.

397
00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:28,990
And I'm allowed to be here.
- Sorry.

398
00:25:29,153 --> 00:25:31,656
I didn't say you weren't.
- There's no cell service here...

399
00:25:31,822 --> 00:25:35,455
...but don't say anything to
anyone. Okay? I won't say a thing.

400
00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:39,087
Believe me. I will not say a thing.
I just don't wanna be that guy George.

401
00:25:39,246 --> 00:25:41,874
What do you know about George?
- He's a piece of shit.

402
00:25:42,041 --> 00:25:44,089
Yeah, he is a piece of shit.

403
00:25:44,251 --> 00:25:47,175
You got that right.
- Sounds like it.

404
00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:51,179
I know you, right? You're
Jackie Burke. I am.

405
00:25:51,341 --> 00:25:54,470
My dad used to love your TV
show. We've watched every episode.

406
00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:56,183
Always nice to meet a fan.

407
00:25:56,346 --> 00:25:59,350
Yeah. Well, we just had the one TV.

408
00:25:59,725 --> 00:26:03,355
Ah. What's your name?
- Harmony Schiltz.

409
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,113
Harmony
Schiltz? -Mm-hm.

410
00:26:05,272 --> 00:26:07,821
Were your parents in a
Nazi barbershop quartet?

411
00:26:08,025 --> 00:26:11,404
Ha, ha. Yeah.
- It's always nice to see women laugh.

412
00:26:11,862 --> 00:26:13,864
Once you can make a woman laugh...

413
00:26:14,031 --> 00:26:17,535
...then you can make her do anything,
they say. I don't know if that's true.

414
00:26:17,701 --> 00:26:20,250
Is that what they say?
- It's an old saying.

415
00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:24,045
Like a very, very old saying? Ooh...

416
00:26:35,636 --> 00:26:37,730
<i>Ladies and gentlemen...</i>

417
00:26:37,888 --> 00:26:39,765
<i>...we are now beginning the third set...</i>

418
00:26:39,973 --> 00:26:43,102
<i>...with the terrific Art Blakey
and his Jazz Messengers...</i>

419
00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:45,316
<i>...from the jazz corner of the world.</i>

420
00:26:45,479 --> 00:26:49,655
<i>Lee Morgan on trumpet, Wayne
Shorter on the tenor saxophone...</i>

421
00:26:49,817 --> 00:26:54,163
<i>...Bobby Timmons on the piano,
Jymie Merritt on the bass.</i>

422
00:26:54,321 --> 00:26:57,791
<i>Soul Brothers on the scene now.
- Soul Brothers on the scene now.</i>

423
00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:00,999
<i>Gonna really do a cool one for you.
- Gonna really do a cool one for you.</i>

424
00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:04,005
<i>How about a nice hand,
everybody, together-</i>

425
00:27:04,164 --> 00:27:07,543
For the one and only
Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers?

426
00:27:32,818 --> 00:27:35,530
Hey, jailbird, what's up?

427
00:27:35,696 --> 00:27:38,748
Hey, Jackie, how's your asshole?
Can I get you something?

428
00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:42,081
Like a hemorrhoidal donut?
- Get Jackie a Chivas on the rocks.

429
00:27:42,828 --> 00:27:46,127
Buy him a drink, but you won't
book him? -Less risky. -Why?

430
00:27:46,290 --> 00:27:50,386
Because he's out of
control. Too much baggage.

431
00:27:52,921 --> 00:27:57,552
On my way up there, I saw a
group of cops, six of them, on horses.

432
00:27:57,718 --> 00:28:01,438
Can they do real cop stuff? Because
every time I see them, they're like:

433
00:28:03,807 --> 00:28:06,060
"Easy. Easy.

434
00:28:08,061 --> 00:28:11,441
Sure, I'll take a picture."

435
00:28:12,816 --> 00:28:15,490
My parents are
immigrants. They're from Taiwan.

436
00:28:15,652 --> 00:28:17,370
They moved to Texas when I was a baby.

437
00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:20,829
And I think immigration
is fucking crazy.

438
00:28:20,991 --> 00:28:23,619
Can you imagine moving to a
completely foreign country...

439
00:28:23,785 --> 00:28:27,335
...just so your offspring
would have more opportunities?

440
00:28:29,208 --> 00:28:31,802
Then your kid goes
into stand-up comedy.

441
00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:37,216
I'm Puerto Rican, which means
I'm a Mexican with papers.

442
00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:40,848
I was a teenage-pregnancy case.
That's how we do it in my family.

443
00:28:41,011 --> 00:28:43,855
We have our babies, then we get
a job, then we get our periods.

444
00:28:44,431 --> 00:28:48,277
I love New York City, but there's
some attitude here. A little attitude.

445
00:28:48,435 --> 00:28:51,279
I could never live anywhere else.

446
00:28:52,898 --> 00:28:56,698
I don't know. It's a
great city, but, come on...

447
00:28:56,860 --> 00:29:00,285
...the greatest city in the world?
It's the only place I've ever been-

448
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:04,042
"What's that smell?" “Oh, that's
the greatest city in the world."

449
00:29:04,493 --> 00:29:07,167
If the bathroom door's
locked and I got my iPad...

450
00:29:07,329 --> 00:29:09,627
...you know what I'm doing,
so don't knock please.

451
00:29:09,790 --> 00:29:11,713
It's one of those
things. Breaks the flow.

452
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:14,503
Like when you're fucking and the
phone rings and it's your mother.

453
00:29:14,670 --> 00:29:18,307
Like, why are you
calling me? I'm right next to you.

454
00:29:20,342 --> 00:29:24,063
Oh, I just impr0v'd that.
I didn't mean to get blue.

455
00:29:24,221 --> 00:29:27,065
Sorry. Incest, it's the only thing
that gets people back at 2 a. m.

456
00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:39,407
We like to think RAW TV is the
progressive alternative to networks.

457
00:29:39,569 --> 00:29:43,490
She lost me when she said,
"We like to think. “ Jackie...

458
00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:47,582
<i>Scared to Death is the most-watched
new show on basic cable.</i>

459
00:29:48,078 --> 00:29:50,706
Carol Bock will be right with you.
- Thank you.

460
00:29:51,832 --> 00:29:55,302
"Raw" meaning half-baked?
No. Raw as in "rough."

461
00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:58,179
You went viral because you
beat the shit out of somebody...

462
00:29:58,338 --> 00:29:59,590
...that's a plus for them.

463
00:29:59,756 --> 00:30:03,511
<i>Scared to Death. Maybe I should've
worn my Halloween costume.</i>

464
00:30:05,012 --> 00:30:09,392
Eddie's serving a 15-year
sentence for beating a heckler to death.

465
00:30:09,558 --> 00:30:12,437
Where'd that idea come
from? Ha-ha-ha. JACKIE: Guess.

466
00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:14,730
Anyway, he becomes the
convict king of the prison.

467
00:30:14,896 --> 00:30:19,322
He runs everything. He runs the
drugs, sex, extortion, everything.

468
00:30:19,484 --> 00:30:22,454
Any kind of crime that's in
the prison, he's in control of.

469
00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:26,537
And then the other gang leaders, the
Crips, the Bloods, the Aryan Nation...

470
00:30:26,700 --> 00:30:28,873
...the Mexican Mafia,
they all come to him.

471
00:30:29,036 --> 00:30:31,915
And he's tough, he's
ruthless, but funny.

472
00:30:32,289 --> 00:30:36,635
It's like Breaking
Bad on acid, but funny.

473
00:30:36,793 --> 00:30:38,670
Main thing is- -
And pure Jackie Burke.

474
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:40,589
You'll write? JACKIE:
I'll write the pilot...

475
00:30:40,756 --> 00:30:42,679
...and I'll punch up all the scripts.

476
00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:46,266
Our channel's target audience is 18-24.

477
00:30:46,428 --> 00:30:49,523
He plays to that demo all the
time. They will eat this up.

478
00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:52,275
<i>You got a title?
- Burke on the Block.</i>

479
00:30:52,976 --> 00:30:55,024
I'm open to anything. You know your audience

480
00:30:55,187 --> 00:30:57,906
<i>Burke on the Block. It's funny.</i>

481
00:30:59,066 --> 00:31:00,989
Okay. Great.

482
00:31:01,151 --> 00:31:03,324
I just have
to say, Eddie-

483
00:31:03,487 --> 00:31:05,706
God-
Sorry.

484
00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:08,583
I mean, Jackie. -
It's- No. No worries.

485
00:31:08,742 --> 00:31:10,995
Jackie. I can't believe I said that.

486
00:31:11,161 --> 00:31:14,040
It's all right. Don't worry.
- The idea's delicious.

487
00:31:14,206 --> 00:31:16,800
Your YouTube video, a lot of hits.

488
00:31:18,210 --> 00:31:22,465
Let me bandy it about with my posse
here. There's a lot of stuff to consider.

489
00:31:22,631 --> 00:31:24,349
How much time do you need?

490
00:31:24,508 --> 00:31:28,934
I just have to tell you, Jackie, you
are the reason I am in television.

491
00:31:29,096 --> 00:31:30,814
In television comedy.

492
00:31:30,972 --> 00:31:35,569
When I was a kid, I remember
laughing so hard at you.

493
00:31:35,727 --> 00:31:39,614
I couldn't wait to grow up. It is
so cool to meet you. Thank you.

494
00:31:39,773 --> 00:31:42,617
But, listen, the idea
is terrific, and we'll-

495
00:31:42,776 --> 00:31:46,113
Did I hear a "but"? I
thought I heard a "but."

496
00:31:46,279 --> 00:31:47,952
Did we hear a "but"?

497
00:31:48,115 --> 00:31:51,961
There's a lot of butts sitting here,
but does "but" mean "Give me some time"?

498
00:31:52,119 --> 00:31:55,214
"Let me think about it"?
“Maybe never"? "Whatever"?

499
00:31:55,372 --> 00:31:59,297
Jackie, "but" is part
of my job description.

500
00:31:59,459 --> 00:32:02,508
But we don't have to go past
"but." It's not necessary.

501
00:32:02,671 --> 00:32:06,266
Time is of the essence. Not everybody
has a lot of time, especially me "but."

502
00:32:06,425 --> 00:32:09,144
Carol is just explaining
that there's a process-

503
00:32:09,302 --> 00:32:11,771
I know the process. She's
explaining the process.

504
00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:15,813
But the process is we're not
interested, "but." Thank you, "but."

505
00:32:15,976 --> 00:32:19,071
And I say, so long, thank you too, "but."
- Thanks for coming in.

506
00:32:19,229 --> 00:32:22,108
Thank you.
- I will give you a call.

507
00:32:23,733 --> 00:32:27,411
Whoa. Jackie.

508
00:32:27,571 --> 00:32:31,116
You see her fucking feet on that table?
- Who does she think she is? -I did.

509
00:32:31,283 --> 00:32:33,752
She is a fan who runs a cable network.
- Fucking bitch. Yeah.

510
00:32:33,910 --> 00:32:36,333
She had a neon sign on her
forehead that said "no."

511
00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:38,169
There are new executives out there.

512
00:32:38,331 --> 00:32:41,710
You have to cultivate them. They say
"no" now, come back with another idea.

513
00:32:41,877 --> 00:32:45,347
Gonna tap dance for these fucking
idiots who don't have an ounce of talent.

514
00:32:45,505 --> 00:32:47,178
They're gonna tell me what's funny?

515
00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:50,890
Being funny isn't enough anymore.
- Now you're fired.

516
00:32:51,761 --> 00:32:55,482
Jackie! Jackie, come on! Jackie, please!

517
00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:07,031
It's a little tight on you. I
think you should get something bigger.

518
00:33:07,194 --> 00:33:09,663
It's the shirt that
makes the man. Right?

519
00:33:09,821 --> 00:33:13,288
You know it.
- There you go. This is you. This is you.

520
00:33:13,450 --> 00:33:15,953
You're gonna like the way
you look. I guarantee it.

521
00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:17,541
Wait a minute.

522
00:33:17,704 --> 00:33:21,709
<i>You're that guy on TV.
Eddie's Home, right?</i>

523
00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:25,755
How'd you wind up here?
- That's a good question. Here I am. What can I do?

524
00:33:25,921 --> 00:33:27,514
Jail? The slammer? What happened?

525
00:33:27,672 --> 00:33:29,345
I was and had
to do community service.

526
00:33:29,508 --> 00:33:32,887
Here I am. Stuck. What am I
gonna do? MAN 1: There you go. See?

527
00:33:33,053 --> 00:33:36,683
You guys are all homeless, right?
- Yeah. Pretty much homeless. Yeah.

528
00:33:36,848 --> 00:33:39,351
Where are all the bums? The
guys that don't wanna work.

529
00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:43,148
What happens with them? I'm
getting confused. I want to work...

530
00:33:43,313 --> 00:33:46,237
...but I don't want any of
the jobs I can actually get.

531
00:33:46,399 --> 00:33:50,324
So I guess you could say, for me...

532
00:33:50,487 --> 00:33:53,115
...it's more- Being a bum
is more of a career choice.

533
00:33:53,281 --> 00:33:54,954
True. MAN 1: Gotta
do what you gotta do.

534
00:33:55,116 --> 00:33:57,084
That's it. That's
what I gotta do. MAN 1: Yeah.

535
00:33:57,244 --> 00:34:00,839
You lie in your own bed, you sleep
in it. Good advice. I like that.

536
00:34:00,997 --> 00:34:02,840
Where'd you learn that?
- An old wives' tale.

537
00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:05,798
Mike, cover for me for a minute. Okay?
- Yeah.

538
00:34:10,966 --> 00:34:13,560
Hi.
- Ah! Shit.

539
00:34:13,718 --> 00:34:16,597
You keep sneaking up on me like
that. Why do you keep doing that?

540
00:34:16,763 --> 00:34:19,937
I don't know. Maybe it's
something I picked up in prison.

541
00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:22,986
By the way, I watched
that YouTube video...

542
00:34:23,144 --> 00:34:25,772
...and for what it's worth,
you were absolutely right...

543
00:34:25,939 --> 00:34:28,408
...to hit that guy in the
face with a microphone.

544
00:34:28,567 --> 00:34:30,319
Thanks.
- He deserved it.

545
00:34:30,485 --> 00:34:33,614
But my dad's an ex-con, so I
don't know what kind ofjudge I am.

546
00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:36,078
How many hours did you get?
- A hundred. You?

547
00:34:36,241 --> 00:34:38,790
Two-fifty. For what?

548
00:34:39,119 --> 00:34:41,542
Assault.
- Me too.

549
00:34:42,497 --> 00:34:45,421
You got a hundred for
assault. Why is that fair?

550
00:34:45,584 --> 00:34:48,133
Why does that make sense?
That makes no sense at all.

551
00:34:48,295 --> 00:34:51,720
Why should a man get less than
a woman? For the same thing.

552
00:34:51,881 --> 00:34:54,976
That makes zero sense. Not
that I mind working here...

553
00:34:55,135 --> 00:34:58,230
...because I really do love
being here, but that's bullshit.

554
00:34:58,388 --> 00:35:00,356
What'd you do, get
the celebrity discount?

555
00:35:00,515 --> 00:35:02,517
No, they gave me 30 days in jail.

556
00:35:03,977 --> 00:35:07,026
Well, next time, don't hit someone
in the head with a microphone.

557
00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,441
Yeah. I was provoked.
- Well, I was provoked.

558
00:35:09,608 --> 00:35:12,452
I was provoked.
- You found him in bed with somebody?

559
00:35:12,611 --> 00:35:14,989
Yeah. How'd you know?

560
00:35:15,155 --> 00:35:18,409
I've been there. I recognized
the key you were screaming in.

561
00:35:18,575 --> 00:35:19,622
So, what'd you do?

562
00:35:20,910 --> 00:35:23,379
I dislocated his jaw, accidentally.

563
00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:25,381
Well, what about her?

564
00:35:25,540 --> 00:35:31,468
She put her hand up to block a very
small lamp, and her wrist broke.

565
00:35:31,630 --> 00:35:33,678
Oh, okay.
- So...

566
00:35:34,841 --> 00:35:38,687
You know, I'm sorry, l...

567
00:35:38,845 --> 00:35:43,191
if- I'm sorry I was rude the other
day. -No, I wasn't coming on strong.

568
00:35:43,350 --> 00:35:47,400
I hope you didn't think I was. I just figured
that you and I are doing time together...

569
00:35:47,562 --> 00:35:50,031
...so us cons gotta stick
together in a place like this.

570
00:35:50,190 --> 00:35:53,989
Motherfucker.

571
00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:55,870
Motherfucker!

572
00:35:56,029 --> 00:35:58,452
Shit!
- Oh, okay.

573
00:35:58,615 --> 00:36:02,040
Goddamn it. Shit.

574
00:36:02,202 --> 00:36:04,125
Okay. Okay.

575
00:36:05,330 --> 00:36:09,506
This is the worst day ever.
This is the shittiest day ever.

576
00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:12,012
I can't catch a fucking break.

577
00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:14,093
Goddamn it.

578
00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:16,849
Shit. I'm sorry.

579
00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:18,601
I don't
need- I'm-

580
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:22,481
You know what? Let's get a broom-
This is too messy for- We-

581
00:36:22,889 --> 00:36:26,189
It's all right. It's all right.
It's just a bunch of olives.

582
00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:30,071
Hey, look, are you free tonight?

583
00:36:30,230 --> 00:36:32,574
What?
- Are you free tonight?

584
00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:36,654
What, like a date? No, I'm
not going on a date with you.

585
00:36:36,820 --> 00:36:40,040
We can call it a date, or it'll
be an appointment, doesn't matter.

586
00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:42,246
No date. And I'm not sleeping with you.

587
00:36:42,409 --> 00:36:45,788
That's not what I wanna do.
- I'm not asking you to sleep with me.

588
00:36:45,954 --> 00:36:48,082
I'm asking you to go on
an appointment with me.

589
00:36:48,248 --> 00:36:50,501
Look, you had a terrible
day. You just said it.

590
00:36:50,667 --> 00:36:52,761
Let me take you to a place.
You might have a nice time.

591
00:36:52,919 --> 00:36:56,219
My life is going great right now,
so I don't know if you think...

592
00:36:56,381 --> 00:37:00,011
...my life isn't going great because
I am fine. I'm perfectly fine.

593
00:37:00,176 --> 00:37:03,976
So I don't need you telling me
that my life isn't going great...

594
00:37:04,139 --> 00:37:07,018
...but if I have time tonight,
I'll check my calendar...

595
00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:10,483
...and make sure that I have
time. If I do, then maybe I'll go.

596
00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:12,397
Good. So why don't you come?

597
00:37:14,441 --> 00:37:18,115
Well, what time?
- After your shift. All right.

598
00:37:18,278 --> 00:37:21,782
So I'll check and see if I'm free,
then I'll meet you upstairs after work.

599
00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:24,326
I'll be outside just like
the other homeless people.

600
00:37:24,492 --> 00:37:28,167
I'll be on the ground over there.
Wake me up. Make sure you wake me up.

601
00:37:28,329 --> 00:37:31,958
So I smell like olives.
- Don't worry. Are you gonna help me clean this up?

602
00:37:32,125 --> 00:37:34,753
If you go with me, I'll
help you clean it up.

603
00:37:36,129 --> 00:37:38,803
You ever notice that all old
Jewish people have the same face...

604
00:37:38,965 --> 00:37:43,220
...even when they're saying something
positive? "It's gorgeous outside.

605
00:37:43,386 --> 00:37:45,889
I'm so grateful I'm healthy."

606
00:37:46,055 --> 00:37:48,274
Are you sure you're
okay? You look like shit.

607
00:37:49,017 --> 00:37:52,487
I went to visit my grandmother recently,
and all these old Jewish women...

608
00:37:52,645 --> 00:37:55,865
...sit around and play mah-jongg and all
sound like little bees when they talk.

609
00:37:56,024 --> 00:37:59,452
You know, they hunch
over:

610
00:38:04,032 --> 00:38:05,079
Salmon.

611
00:38:05,241 --> 00:38:10,247
Anyway, so I go to find her, and she's
not there and I go up to her friend Rona...

612
00:38:10,413 --> 00:38:12,757
...and I said, "Rona, do you
know where my grandmother is?"

613
00:38:12,916 --> 00:38:18,343
She goes "I don't know, darling, but I'll
let her know you're looking for her...

614
00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:22,100
Trust fund."

615
00:38:22,258 --> 00:38:23,760
Anyway, so...

616
00:38:23,927 --> 00:38:28,433
...I walk away, and I hear her yell
out in the middle of the card room:

617
00:38:28,598 --> 00:38:34,150
"That's Bea Fobman's granddaughter.
She's a lesbian magician."

618
00:38:35,855 --> 00:38:39,735
You know what I did? I fucked her and
made her disappear. Isn't that amazing?

619
00:38:40,610 --> 00:38:43,534
You guys are awesome. Don't
clap. It'll never fill the hole.

620
00:38:43,696 --> 00:38:46,449
Look who's here. Oh, my God.

621
00:38:46,616 --> 00:38:50,871
It's Jackie Burke. Jackie
Burke's in the crowd.

622
00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:54,962
That is- I have not
seen you in so long.

623
00:38:55,124 --> 00:38:58,719
Isn't it adorable when celebrities
bring their hookers to the club?

624
00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,972
Isn't that amazing? Isn't that awesome?

625
00:39:01,130 --> 00:39:03,098
What did he do to get you here?

626
00:39:03,299 --> 00:39:05,597
Uh... Ha, ha, ha!

627
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:09,563
That he would buy me an ass-
Ice-cream cone.

628
00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:13,435
“Ass cream" is
amazing. That's so cute.

629
00:39:13,601 --> 00:39:17,276
I tasted ass cream,
and it is so delicious.

630
00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:18,860
There's all kinds of flavors.

631
00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:22,277
<i>What kind of flavor ass
cream would you get if you-?</i>

632
00:39:22,443 --> 00:39:26,038
You need to be careful because
those sprinkles will be roofies.

633
00:39:27,824 --> 00:39:31,419
Trust me, I know. I was
very sore after that night.

634
00:39:31,578 --> 00:39:34,878
You're giving away my secret, Jess.
After everything I've done for you.

635
00:39:35,039 --> 00:39:37,588
I was there for you when you
were starting out as a young man.

636
00:39:42,088 --> 00:39:45,179
I always had a bigger dick
though.

637
00:39:45,341 --> 00:39:48,971
I did. Always. No, you
don't. No, you don't.

638
00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:53,233
Wait, wait. You know what, Jess?
You're right. Your cock is huge.

639
00:39:54,642 --> 00:39:58,272
So I wanna tell you guys something.
It's so good to see Jackie.

640
00:39:58,438 --> 00:40:02,113
Because Jackie is really my mentor.
I was opening for him one night-

641
00:40:02,275 --> 00:40:05,699
I mean, comedy. I was opening
comedy.

642
00:40:05,862 --> 00:40:09,620
Yeah. We did a Jewish country-club
gig. No. It was Italian.

643
00:40:09,782 --> 00:40:12,205
No. It wasn't Italian. It
was Jewish. They were Jews.

644
00:40:12,368 --> 00:40:14,791
I went in the men's room.
Believe me, it was Italian.

645
00:40:16,789 --> 00:40:19,042
A lot of calzones.

646
00:40:20,501 --> 00:40:24,051
Give him a hand. He's incredible.
- My pleasure.

647
00:40:24,756 --> 00:40:29,011
You suck in bed, but you're such
a great guy and a great comic.

648
00:40:29,177 --> 00:40:32,852
That was amazing. That was
so much fun. I feel like I'm high.

649
00:40:33,014 --> 00:40:37,394
You were so funny. That was-
You're so much funnier than Eddie.

650
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:41,656
You're so quick, and, like, do you
come up with all that on the spot?

651
00:40:41,814 --> 00:40:45,485
Sometimes. Yeah. That
was good. Thank you.

652
00:40:45,652 --> 00:40:48,030
Are you free on Sunday?

653
00:40:48,196 --> 00:40:50,073
No. I'm not.
I don't-

654
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:53,368
No, no. I have a wedding that I
have to go to. My niece's wedding.

655
00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:55,502
I don't wanna go- I
don't wanna go alone.

656
00:40:55,662 --> 00:40:58,586
I thought, maybe, if you
went, you could be my wingman.

657
00:40:58,748 --> 00:41:01,877
We could have a few laughs.
- Okay.

658
00:41:02,043 --> 00:41:04,720
Really? -Yeah. -You're
free on Sunday? -Yeah.

659
00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:07,132
What, you have no life?
- Ha, ha, ha.

660
00:41:07,340 --> 00:41:09,388
But you have to do me a favor.
- What's that?

661
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:12,679
My dad's birthday's on Monday, and...

662
00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:15,849
...he asked me for a
birthday gift, and you're it.

663
00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:19,227
Do I have to? Yeah.

664
00:41:19,394 --> 00:41:22,613
Okay, okay. -Deal? -
Deal. -Ha-ha-ha. Okay.

665
00:41:22,772 --> 00:41:25,867
That was fun. I loved that.

666
00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:43,214
Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Thank you.
I appreciate you doing this.

667
00:41:43,376 --> 00:41:44,719
Remember, this is family.

668
00:41:44,877 --> 00:41:49,053
I need 20 more cases of
champagne. Ah, Mr. Jackie Burke.

669
00:41:49,215 --> 00:41:51,217
Your brother asked me to wait for you.

670
00:41:51,384 --> 00:41:53,057
You're late. It's already
started. HARMONY: Come on. Hurry.

671
00:41:53,219 --> 00:41:55,642
They haven't done the
glass-breaking yet, have they?

672
00:41:55,805 --> 00:41:58,024
The glass-breaking part
is my favorite part.

673
00:41:58,182 --> 00:42:01,231
The ceremony was an hour ago. We
are about to present the brides.

674
00:42:01,394 --> 00:42:04,193
Shit.
- Ahem. Uh, nice dress.

675
00:42:04,355 --> 00:42:06,028
Too bad they didn't
have it in your size.

676
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:09,656
How do you get in and out of that thing?
- None of your business.

677
00:42:09,819 --> 00:42:12,913
Come on. WOMAN: Everybody,
inside. Inside now. Please.

678
00:42:14,615 --> 00:42:19,997
Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor
to present to you the newlyweds.

679
00:42:20,163 --> 00:42:24,543
The Berkowitz-Nelsons:
spouses for life.

680
00:42:25,334 --> 00:42:27,086
Everybody stand up. Stand up.

681
00:42:27,253 --> 00:42:31,884
And for their first dance, they've
prepared something special for you.

682
00:42:32,091 --> 00:42:35,186
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

683
00:42:35,678 --> 00:42:40,650
♪ We dream the same dream
We want the same thing ♪

684
00:42:40,850 --> 00:42:42,818
♪ Oh, oh ♪

685
00:42:43,269 --> 00:42:47,115
♪ We dream the same dream
We want the same thing ♪

686
00:42:49,942 --> 00:42:52,411
♪ Here is my case We've
got no time to waste ♪

687
00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:54,823
♪ 'Cause we want the same thing ♪

688
00:42:55,364 --> 00:42:56,957
Come on, guys!

689
00:42:57,784 --> 00:43:01,630
♪ But we don't care what for
'Cause we want the same thing ♪

690
00:43:03,289 --> 00:43:06,839
♪ I know we're different now
Different as night and day ♪

691
00:43:07,043 --> 00:43:11,674
♪ But I still want you
I just want you to stay ♪

692
00:43:13,716 --> 00:43:17,095
♪ I want to take this
chance I want to be with you N'

693
00:43:17,303 --> 00:43:19,556
Hey, you came.

694
00:43:19,722 --> 00:43:22,601
Congratulations.
Thank you.

695
00:43:24,352 --> 00:43:26,980
This is my brother, Jimmy. Harmony.

696
00:43:27,146 --> 00:43:30,574
Hi.
- Oh! YOU HGVGF cease t0 amaze me.

697
00:43:30,733 --> 00:43:32,576
Very nice.

698
00:43:35,113 --> 00:43:37,707
Oh! This is my wife, Florence.
- Hi.

699
00:43:37,865 --> 00:43:41,620
This is Harmony, Jackie's friend.
Congratulations. Thanks for having me.

700
00:43:41,786 --> 00:43:44,630
Nice to meet you,
and thank you for coming.

701
00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:48,635
Aah! Uncle Jackie! Oh, my God, you came.

702
00:43:48,793 --> 00:43:51,387
Uncle Jackie, this is my wife, Frankie.

703
00:43:51,546 --> 00:43:54,390
Nice to meet you. Congratulations.
My Uncle Jackie.

704
00:43:54,549 --> 00:43:56,176
Hi.
- Welcome to our family.

705
00:43:56,342 --> 00:43:59,186
You can come meet our
friends. Meet our friends.

706
00:43:59,345 --> 00:44:02,098
Come on. Guys, guys.

707
00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:05,146
This is my Uncle Jackie.

708
00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:11,946
This is such a nice wedding, and
your daughter, she's beautiful.

709
00:44:12,108 --> 00:44:15,035
Beautiful dress. Kleinfeld's.

710
00:44:15,570 --> 00:44:17,243
And Frankie has a different one.

711
00:44:17,947 --> 00:44:20,871
Yeah.
- They're partners, not twins.

712
00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:23,001
Flo, Flo.

713
00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:29,167
Have you known Jackie long?

714
00:44:29,333 --> 00:44:31,381
How did you meet?

715
00:44:31,544 --> 00:44:34,468
I picked him up at the homeless shelter.

716
00:44:34,630 --> 00:44:38,342
Are you gonna talk? JIMMY: Florence,
Florence. -Florence. -I'm so sorry.

717
00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:41,729
You gotta make us laugh.
- Please. That would be so great.

718
00:44:41,888 --> 00:44:45,062
You're gonna say a few words, right?
- I'm just here as a guest.

719
00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:48,394
Just as a guest. BRITTANY: Please.
Come on. It would be so great.

720
00:44:48,561 --> 00:44:50,689
Ask your parents. I
don't wanna deal with a-

721
00:44:50,855 --> 00:44:53,779
We don't want it to become a thing.
- He doesn't want to. He's a guest.

722
00:44:53,941 --> 00:44:57,115
If she's gonna make a thing out of
it, then it's gonna be a disaster.

723
00:44:57,278 --> 00:45:01,704
No. For me, for me. You
gotta. Please? For us.

724
00:45:01,866 --> 00:45:03,709
Come on. It's my wedding.

725
00:45:06,454 --> 00:45:07,546
<i>Okay.
- Y ay!</i>

726
00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:12,710
Thank you!

727
00:45:19,717 --> 00:45:21,594
Come on, guys.

728
00:45:27,141 --> 00:45:28,438
Hey!

729
00:45:31,312 --> 00:45:32,359
Hey!

730
00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:36,530
Hey!

731
00:45:37,652 --> 00:45:39,279
Come on. Let's go.
- No, no.

732
00:45:39,445 --> 00:45:41,789
Come on.
- I think I'm coming down with something.

733
00:45:41,948 --> 00:45:45,043
You're not coming down with something.
- I get nervous up there. Dizzy.

734
00:45:45,201 --> 00:45:48,416
I get dizzy.
- To dance?

735
00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:51,503
Whoa!

736
00:45:54,877 --> 00:45:57,304
Come on. Come on. Come on.

737
00:45:57,463 --> 00:45:59,090
Come on, you. You chicken!

738
00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:03,227
Come on. -No. I don't do physical
comedy. -You dance. -I'm gonna take her.

739
00:46:03,386 --> 00:46:06,230
Take her. Don't steal her.
- Take me.

740
00:46:06,389 --> 00:46:08,812
Come on. Come on.

741
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:22,663
Dance with me, beautiful.

742
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:29,127
Who's the shiksa?

743
00:46:32,081 --> 00:46:33,628
Dance.

744
00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:39,388
You should be worried, Jackie.

745
00:46:50,891 --> 00:46:54,441
Please. Everyone stand
back. Are you all right?

746
00:46:54,603 --> 00:46:56,605
Are you okay?
Inhale. Exhale.

747
00:46:56,772 --> 00:46:59,025
Hey. KAROLA: Hey, let go.

748
00:46:59,191 --> 00:47:02,616
It's not my heart we are worried
about. Get up, you old letch.

749
00:47:02,778 --> 00:47:06,665
Okay. Come on.

750
00:47:08,284 --> 00:47:12,164
♪ Nothing at all, baby ♪

751
00:47:14,415 --> 00:47:18,295
♪ Look into my eyes Can't
you see they're open wide? ♪

752
00:47:18,461 --> 00:47:22,887
♪ Would I lie to you,
baby, Would I lie to you N'

753
00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:24,137
That was fun.

754
00:47:24,300 --> 00:47:27,930
Yeah. Well, you're having a good time-
- You should've done it. You're not sick.

755
00:47:28,095 --> 00:47:31,065
Whoa! Little shits.
Don't push me!

756
00:47:31,223 --> 00:47:32,816
No maternal instinct?

757
00:47:32,975 --> 00:47:35,603
No. My maternal instinct
kicks in when I'm 70.

758
00:47:36,395 --> 00:47:38,652
When you're 70?

759
00:47:38,814 --> 00:47:41,863
Were you ever
married? -No. -No?

760
00:47:42,026 --> 00:47:44,279
Mm-mm.
- Never-?

761
00:47:44,445 --> 00:47:47,574
Seems very unusual that a
girl like you is not attached.

762
00:47:47,740 --> 00:47:51,210
I've been attached.
It's just never stuck.

763
00:47:51,369 --> 00:47:52,962
You have more questions?

764
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:56,590
Hi, can I have your
attention, everybody?

765
00:47:56,791 --> 00:48:00,135
Thank you. -Brittany.

766
00:48:00,753 --> 00:48:02,755
Frankie and
I wanna welcome you...

767
00:48:02,922 --> 00:48:05,175
...all here tonight.
We love you, Frankie.

768
00:48:05,341 --> 00:48:08,436
You can't imagine how happy
I am you all came to share...

769
00:48:08,594 --> 00:48:11,765
...this day with us.
- She seems nice. I don't know her that well.

770
00:48:11,931 --> 00:48:17,404
You may have noticed my
uncle, Jackie Burke, is here.

771
00:48:18,521 --> 00:48:22,571
<i>Some of you may recognize him
as Eddie from Eddie's Home.</i>

772
00:48:22,733 --> 00:48:26,241
Eddie!

773
00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:29,286
But I've known him my whole life.

774
00:48:29,448 --> 00:48:32,543
I still remember him teaching
me dirty jokes as a kid.

775
00:48:32,701 --> 00:48:35,625
Before I could say
"Dada", I could say "caca."

776
00:48:36,664 --> 00:48:42,717
He taught me the B word, the S
word, the F word. Yeah, all of them.

777
00:48:42,878 --> 00:48:45,848
She already knew the C word.
She picked it up on her own.

778
00:48:46,006 --> 00:48:48,930
But, seriously, it
means so much to me...

779
00:48:49,093 --> 00:48:52,939
...that he's here today
after way too many years.

780
00:48:53,097 --> 00:48:56,897
So please give a warm
welcome to my Uncle Jackie.

781
00:48:57,059 --> 00:48:58,777
Careful up there. We're outnumbered.

782
00:48:58,936 --> 00:49:01,940
To say a few
words. Jackie Burke!

783
00:49:04,567 --> 00:49:06,661
So happy he came.
- Here we go.

784
00:49:08,404 --> 00:49:11,578
Thank you,
honey. You know, it's a-

785
00:49:12,116 --> 00:49:16,246
It's an honor being here to celebrate
Brittany and Frankie's wedding.

786
00:49:16,412 --> 00:49:19,836
Frankie, right? Not
Butch?

787
00:49:20,416 --> 00:49:22,760
How long till the divorce?

788
00:49:22,918 --> 00:49:25,717
Same-sex divorce is the
latest thing, you know?

789
00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:29,100
What the fuck is this place
anyway? The Titanic? What is this?

790
00:49:29,258 --> 00:49:32,853
Look at these fucking
chandeliers. Jesus.

791
00:49:33,179 --> 00:49:35,398
These chairs aren't
tall enough. What's this?

792
00:49:35,556 --> 00:49:38,817
And I wanna thank-

793
00:49:38,976 --> 00:49:42,776
Seriously, I wanna thank Flo and Jimmy
for inviting me to this beautiful occasion.

794
00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:44,986
Yeah. Thanks for
coming. JACKIE: Really is.

795
00:49:45,149 --> 00:49:47,368
And all the other family members...

796
00:49:47,526 --> 00:49:49,528
...many of whom I thought were dead.

797
00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:52,915
Most of whom I hoped were dead.

798
00:49:53,073 --> 00:49:55,917
Oh, boy. Nobody can fuck you
up like family. That's for sure.

799
00:49:56,076 --> 00:49:57,794
We're in trouble.
- He knows.

800
00:49:57,953 --> 00:50:01,207
You know, I had a troubled childhood.

801
00:50:01,373 --> 00:50:04,343
My father molested my brother. Jimmy,
I'm just telling one little story.

802
00:50:04,502 --> 00:50:05,845
Here we go.
- Not good.

803
00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:09,553
My father molested my little brother,
and the bastard never even touched me.

804
00:50:09,715 --> 00:50:11,308
Never even looked at me.

805
00:50:11,467 --> 00:50:14,892
Do you know what it's like
growing up feeling unwanted?

806
00:50:15,054 --> 00:50:18,558
Knowing that your father doesn't
find you attractive enough to fondle?

807
00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:21,894
I
mean, was it so terrible-?

808
00:50:22,061 --> 00:50:25,861
Would it have been so terrible if
he just played with my dick a little?

809
00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:28,742
Just stroked it? You know,
wiggled it a little? Something.

810
00:50:28,901 --> 00:50:32,496
He didn't do anything. I felt
terrible. I was so rejected. Anyway...

811
00:50:32,655 --> 00:50:35,784
I know we're supposed to pretend
there's nothing wrong or unusual...

812
00:50:35,950 --> 00:50:39,671
...about this event tonight, just another
middle-class Jewish wedding. Right?

813
00:50:39,828 --> 00:50:41,421
No. Wrong.

814
00:50:41,580 --> 00:50:45,335
So can I address the
800-pound gorilla in the room?

815
00:50:45,501 --> 00:50:46,627
And that would be...

816
00:50:48,128 --> 00:50:50,472
...Flo.

817
00:50:50,631 --> 00:50:52,850
Flo, how did
you let this happen?

818
00:50:53,008 --> 00:50:56,137
Can't be Jimmy's fault. What have
you done to my poor little brother?

819
00:50:56,303 --> 00:51:00,149
He was 6 feet tall when you got married.

820
00:51:00,307 --> 00:51:02,401
Oh, and now Brittany. Oh, no.

821
00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:04,608
You were so concerned
about her growing up...

822
00:51:04,770 --> 00:51:08,320
...t0 be a Jewish American
princess, you didn't even notice...

823
00:51:08,482 --> 00:51:11,861
...that she was turning out
to be a Jewish American prince.

824
00:51:16,907 --> 00:51:19,911
The shame that she brought all of us...
- Will you stop this?

825
00:51:20,077 --> 00:51:22,375
...by marrying a non-Jew.

826
00:51:22,538 --> 00:51:25,382
Well, that's me. JACKIE:
What did you do, Flo?

827
00:51:25,874 --> 00:51:27,501
God have mercy on you.

828
00:51:29,086 --> 00:51:31,714
I'm gonna fucking kill
you when we get home.

829
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:34,759
I have my own special gift
to present to the newlyweds.

830
00:51:34,925 --> 00:51:36,643
I've been doing volunteer work...

831
00:51:36,802 --> 00:51:40,102
...down at the mission,
for the homeless.

832
00:51:40,264 --> 00:51:42,312
They don't like to be
called "bums" anymore.

833
00:51:42,474 --> 00:51:44,943
And they were so moved
when I told them about...

834
00:51:45,102 --> 00:51:47,730
...Brittany and Frankie's
reproductive challenges...

835
00:51:47,896 --> 00:51:51,613
...that they all wanted to help. So
they all got together, each one...

836
00:51:51,775 --> 00:51:54,654
...and they all contributed
to making a very significant...

837
00:51:54,820 --> 00:51:58,040
...a very thoughtful,
a very useful gift:

838
00:51:58,198 --> 00:52:01,710
a pint of semen.

839
00:52:02,953 --> 00:52:06,082
Thanks, boys. Give them
a hand. MAN: Disgusting.

840
00:52:06,248 --> 00:52:09,426
They've worn theirs
out.

841
00:52:09,585 --> 00:52:10,837
Oh, my gosh.

842
00:52:11,837 --> 00:52:13,464
James, stop this.

843
00:52:13,631 --> 00:52:16,885
Uncle Jackie would've added a
dash and a splash of his own...

844
00:52:17,301 --> 00:52:22,853
...but that would be incest, and incest,
you know, is even worse than being gay.

845
00:52:23,057 --> 00:52:26,777
Boos, really?

846
00:52:26,935 --> 00:52:28,357
Flo likes it.

847
00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:31,649
Apparently, Brittany and
I share the same weakness...

848
00:52:31,815 --> 00:52:34,739
...for wanting to bang
beautiful young women.

849
00:52:34,902 --> 00:52:39,624
And yet she turned out to be so normal
and I turned out to be so fucked up.

850
00:52:39,782 --> 00:52:41,876
How did that happen?
You got that right.

851
00:52:42,034 --> 00:52:44,537
I don't know. Maybe it's because...

852
00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:51,010
...I never met a woman like
Frankie, and maybe it's because...

853
00:52:51,168 --> 00:52:55,389
...I never found a love and happiness...

854
00:52:55,547 --> 00:52:58,141
...that Brittany and Frankie
have found with each other.

855
00:52:58,425 --> 00:52:59,802
Mm...

856
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:10,483
Mazel tov.

857
00:53:14,316 --> 00:53:15,533
<i>Whoa'.!</i>

858
00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:23,409
Come on. Let's make a run
for it before they lynch us.

859
00:53:24,743 --> 00:53:26,996
I've never seen anything like that.
- Me neither.

860
00:53:27,162 --> 00:53:29,506
You just can't help yourself, can you?

861
00:53:29,665 --> 00:53:31,713
This low-life motherfucking
brother of yours.

862
00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:34,970
Takes a dump at our kid's wedding,
and that's all you're gonna say?

863
00:53:35,129 --> 00:53:38,759
What do you want me to say? We let
him up there. You know what he does.

864
00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:44,647
Brittany asked him to be Jackie Burke,
so I don't know why you're yelling at him.

865
00:53:44,805 --> 00:53:48,351
Who the fuck are you to talk to me
like that? -Flo- -Who invited you...

866
00:53:48,517 --> 00:53:52,063
...with your no-undervvear dress?
- This is not- FLO: Go. Please.

867
00:53:52,229 --> 00:53:55,441
What the fuck is your problem?
I don't have a problem.

868
00:53:55,607 --> 00:53:59,612
Don't yell at me. Don't comment on
my dress. Look at your fucking dress.

869
00:53:59,778 --> 00:54:01,621
My dress is beautiful.
- It's time to cut the cake.

870
00:54:01,780 --> 00:54:03,157
Fuck you.
- Fuck you back.

871
00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:05,951
Fuck you back. Fuck you back.

872
00:54:06,118 --> 00:54:08,337
It's time to cut the cake.

873
00:54:08,495 --> 00:54:11,624
It's time to cut the cake.
- You're lucky I don't get my brothers...

874
00:54:11,790 --> 00:54:15,920
...to cut your nut sack off
before you hit the tunnel!

875
00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:19,010
What's the problem? The kids loved it.
- Come on. Let me at him.

876
00:54:19,173 --> 00:54:21,642
Come on. Let me at him.
- Stupid bitch!

877
00:54:22,551 --> 00:54:24,645
You're the mother-
- Oh, shut up!

878
00:54:24,803 --> 00:54:27,773
Let me go.
- I'll see you again, in hell, motherfucker!

879
00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:31,060
You are a beast! JACKIE:
Okay. Just calm down.

880
00:54:31,643 --> 00:54:36,114
"You're lucky my brothers don't cut your
nut sack off before you get to the tunnel."

881
00:54:36,273 --> 00:54:40,114
Ha-ha-ha. -She's a nut case.
She's amazing. I love her.

882
00:54:40,277 --> 00:54:43,247
That's what I get for doing
something nice for my brother's kid.

883
00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:46,583
That was so much fun.
- Family. Tomorrow night's your turn.

884
00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:07,263
Hi.
- Hi.

885
00:55:07,429 --> 00:55:10,308
Thanks for doing this.
- No problem.

886
00:55:10,474 --> 00:55:12,397
Hmm.
- You okay?

887
00:55:13,352 --> 00:55:17,148
You look beautiful. You
know this joint's famous.

888
00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:20,784
Back in '85, Big Paulie Castellano got
whacked right here on this sidewalk.

889
00:55:20,943 --> 00:55:23,737
Yeah. -Paulie was a
friend of my dad's. JACKIE: Uh-oh.

890
00:55:23,904 --> 00:55:27,115
I'm taking you with me.

891
00:55:28,617 --> 00:55:29,994
Hi.

892
00:55:31,161 --> 00:55:34,461
That's him right there. MAN:
Oh, you're with Mr. Schiltz.

893
00:55:45,717 --> 00:55:47,435
Whoa.
- Heh.

894
00:55:47,594 --> 00:55:51,556
Oh, my God, are you kidding me? Is
this who I think it is? Is it Eddie?

895
00:55:51,723 --> 00:55:54,101
I think it's Eddie, but it's Jackie.

896
00:55:54,268 --> 00:55:57,067
It's Eddie. My baby.

897
00:55:57,229 --> 00:56:01,826
Boy, you did it this time.
What a birthday surprise.

898
00:56:01,984 --> 00:56:03,907
"Arlene."

899
00:56:04,111 --> 00:56:06,079
Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
- Thank you.

900
00:56:06,238 --> 00:56:09,959
Thank you, Eddie, for all the
countless laughs. Thank you.

901
00:56:10,117 --> 00:56:13,712
Happy birthday. And I just
wanna- It's Jackie, by the way.

902
00:56:13,871 --> 00:56:17,670
I've enjoyed you so much.

903
00:56:17,833 --> 00:56:21,591
Look at that punim. Look at
it.

904
00:56:21,837 --> 00:56:25,223
In fact, so much, I can do
you. -I can. -You can?

905
00:56:25,382 --> 00:56:27,975
Did she tell you?
- No. No. Yeah. He can do you.

906
00:56:28,135 --> 00:56:31,264
I've been doing you in the
bathroom and at parties for decades.

907
00:56:31,430 --> 00:56:35,150
You must have a better
manager than I do.

908
00:56:35,350 --> 00:56:38,896
Sit. Sit. Sit.

909
00:56:39,062 --> 00:56:44,660
Gino. Ring the register. Eddie's here.
- Copy that, Mr. Schiltz.

910
00:56:45,444 --> 00:56:47,196
Jesus, I don't believe this.

911
00:56:47,362 --> 00:56:49,615
What a birthday present.

912
00:56:50,240 --> 00:56:52,288
What are you drinking?
- Chivas on the rocks.

913
00:56:52,451 --> 00:56:55,330
For you?
- My baby drinks martinis.

914
00:56:55,954 --> 00:56:57,046
Hey.

915
00:56:57,205 --> 00:57:03,053
How about giving us one
big "Arlene, where are you?"

916
00:57:03,211 --> 00:57:05,843
Do it. Come on. HARMONY: Dad. No.
- Do I have to?

917
00:57:06,006 --> 00:57:08,683
Yeah. For my
birthday. Come on. Please.

918
00:57:08,842 --> 00:57:12,766
Come on. I don't wanna do it. -
Come on. Once. -Dad, don't. -Huh?

919
00:57:14,056 --> 00:57:19,187
Hey, I don't expect
anyone to work for free.

920
00:57:19,353 --> 00:57:22,819
No, no, no. No, what are you
doing? No. -What? -Sorry. No.

921
00:57:22,981 --> 00:57:24,779
Put it away. Don't do that.
- Put what?

922
00:57:24,942 --> 00:57:28,287
Sorry.
- No. You misunderstand.

923
00:57:28,445 --> 00:57:30,664
Eddie, I don't mean to embarrass you.

924
00:57:30,822 --> 00:57:34,326
I'll tell you what. Let me do
it. Let me do you. I got you down.

925
00:57:34,493 --> 00:57:37,792
I'll pay you not to.
- Heh, heh. That's funny...

926
00:57:37,955 --> 00:57:40,128
...but you don't wanna get into a
pissing contest with me about money.

927
00:57:40,290 --> 00:57:42,839
Come on, let's have some fun.
This is me respecting you.

928
00:57:43,001 --> 00:57:46,759
You're my favorite. "Arlene...

929
00:57:46,922 --> 00:57:51,098
...whose vibrator, ha, ha, is this?
- Heh.

930
00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:55,222
Did you take the batteries out of
the smoke alarm again?"

931
00:57:56,890 --> 00:57:58,938
Okay. Shaw's over.

932
00:57:59,685 --> 00:58:03,112
Thank you.
- Sure. Cheers. Happy birthday.

933
00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:05,945
Happy birthday, Mac.
- Thank you, Eddie.

934
00:58:06,775 --> 00:58:09,903
Jackie. HARMONY: Mm.

935
00:58:10,070 --> 00:58:13,165
How was my timing? Give me some input.

936
00:58:13,448 --> 00:58:15,997
Whoo. I thought you
were me for a second.

937
00:58:16,159 --> 00:58:18,378
Try doing it while
drinking a glass of water.

938
00:58:22,791 --> 00:58:25,965
Have a drink.
- God, you were great. You were great.

939
00:58:26,128 --> 00:58:28,222
Drink some
more. It'll make it easier.

940
00:58:31,591 --> 00:58:33,013
So how did you two meet?

941
00:58:33,719 --> 00:58:37,223
We do our community service together
down at the Apostle Soup Kitchen.

942
00:58:37,389 --> 00:58:39,107
Oh! Right.

943
00:58:39,266 --> 00:58:41,394
You don't have to worry
about that anymore.

944
00:58:41,560 --> 00:58:43,858
I got them to transfer
your hours to Florida.

945
00:58:44,021 --> 00:58:47,487
I thought we talked about that. -
Remember, we talked about that. -Uh-huh.

946
00:58:47,649 --> 00:58:49,526
Because I'm not sure if I wanna go back.

947
00:58:49,693 --> 00:58:51,991
But you don't know where you wanna go.

948
00:58:52,154 --> 00:58:54,248
She's always been such a mamzer. Ahh...

949
00:58:54,740 --> 00:58:56,663
I'm at the table. I'm
still sitting here.

950
00:58:56,825 --> 00:59:00,628
Here at the table.
- It's done. I chartered a plane. We're leaving tomorrow.

951
00:59:00,787 --> 00:59:03,290
Noon. Teterboro.

952
00:59:03,707 --> 00:59:05,004
What's in Florida?

953
00:59:05,167 --> 00:59:08,637
I own this retirement community in
Delray Beach. We help the elderly...

954
00:59:08,795 --> 00:59:12,220
...t0 live out their lives with some dignity-
- I'd like to pass through this dinner...

955
00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:14,180
...with some dignity.
- Sha!

956
00:59:14,843 --> 00:59:17,642
She's great with the old
people. She's got a magic touch.

957
00:59:18,096 --> 00:59:19,814
Well, she's a wonderful person.

958
00:59:20,849 --> 00:59:24,979
It's okay, honey. When you come back from
Florida, we'll find our place to live.

959
00:59:25,145 --> 00:59:27,610
What?
- What? We're moving in together.

960
00:59:27,773 --> 00:59:30,026
Is it okay if I call you "Dad"?

961
00:59:32,861 --> 00:59:35,364
You're a funny man,
but this is my daughter.

962
00:59:35,530 --> 00:59:37,703
Yeah, I know. Every
daughter has a mother...

963
00:59:37,866 --> 00:59:40,494
...every mother has a daughter.
The girl that left before...

964
00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:43,209
...probably has a
grandmother or a grandfather.

965
00:59:43,371 --> 00:59:45,044
Harmony's my daughter.

966
00:59:45,207 --> 00:59:47,676
She's not the punch line
for somebody's jokes.

967
00:59:47,834 --> 00:59:50,963
And when you look at my daughter
and the way she's looking at you-

968
00:59:51,129 --> 00:59:54,766
I'm not. What are you talking about?
I wanna know your expectations.

969
00:59:54,925 --> 00:59:58,596
My expectations?
- Expectations. Yeah.

970
00:59:59,096 --> 01:00:01,565
To fuck her brains out.
After that, we'll see.

971
01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:10,482
Mm.

972
01:00:12,484 --> 01:00:15,696
You know... ...I'm a
sucker for an honest man.

973
01:00:15,862 --> 01:00:18,832
And I'm a sucker for a
girl that has daddy issues.

974
01:00:18,990 --> 01:00:22,164
Okay. So you go to the bar, and
I'll meet you there in a minute.

975
01:00:22,327 --> 01:00:25,376
Sure. It's been a terrific
crowd. Nice to meet you, Pops.

976
01:00:25,539 --> 01:00:27,416
Happy birthday.

977
01:00:29,459 --> 01:00:32,258
Don't tell me you're
interested in that schmuck.

978
01:00:32,420 --> 01:00:37,017
Okay. If you had listened at all
and shut your mouth for one second...

979
01:00:37,175 --> 01:00:39,803
...you would know that I
wasn't interested in him at all.

980
01:00:39,970 --> 01:00:43,765
But you don't ever shut up. You don't
ever shut up. You're unbelievable.

981
01:00:43,932 --> 01:00:47,694
Where are you going?
- Unbelievable. I'm leaving. Wait a second. Wait a second.

982
01:00:47,853 --> 01:00:50,902
He's an asshole. Let him go.
- You are. I'll take care of him.

983
01:00:51,064 --> 01:00:54,864
You're not gonna take care of
him. No. You're being the asshole.

984
01:00:55,026 --> 01:00:57,449
Don't embarrass me like
that in front of people.

985
01:00:57,612 --> 01:00:59,455
That's humiliating.
- I humiliated you?

986
01:00:59,614 --> 01:01:02,117
That was humiliating. Don't
talk about me like that...

987
01:01:02,284 --> 01:01:05,163
...in front of people. I have
self-respect. -Where's your self-respect?

988
01:01:05,328 --> 01:01:06,580
I am not doing this...
- Go.

989
01:01:06,746 --> 01:01:09,590
...in a restaurant with you.
I'll see you at Teterboro.

990
01:01:09,749 --> 01:01:11,592
Happy birthday.

991
01:01:13,503 --> 01:01:16,382
Come on. I need about 10 drinks.

992
01:01:26,099 --> 01:01:28,443
Arlene.
Ha-ha-ha.

993
01:01:28,643 --> 01:01:31,859
Arlene.
- That was good. HARMONY: Was that good?

994
01:01:32,022 --> 01:01:33,490
That was good. Very good.

995
01:01:33,648 --> 01:01:38,620
You should've seen the look on your
face when Mac said, "Arlene- Arl-"

996
01:01:38,778 --> 01:01:42,115
Wait. Wait. -Wait.
What? -Arlene.

997
01:01:42,282 --> 01:01:45,835
Welcome.

998
01:01:45,994 --> 01:01:49,005
Wow. This is nice.

999
01:01:49,164 --> 01:01:51,883
If you don't get murdered on
the street before you get in.

1000
01:01:52,042 --> 01:01:54,545
They're artists. Not murderers.

1001
01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:58,556
You want some bourbon?
- Sure. Sure. I think these artists got guns.

1002
01:01:58,715 --> 01:02:02,059
Sure you wanna leave? I
have to. I'm on parole.

1003
01:02:02,219 --> 01:02:06,185
I can't fight my dad and his expensive
lawyer. I don't have that kind of money.

1004
01:02:06,348 --> 01:02:09,856
I'm moving to the Sunshine State. -
You want some? -Make it a double.

1005
01:02:10,018 --> 01:02:13,147
I'm gonna be up all night
packing all this stuff.

1006
01:02:13,313 --> 01:02:16,237
Why pack now? Relax. Here.

1007
01:02:16,816 --> 01:02:18,193
Cheers.

1008
01:02:22,364 --> 01:02:24,458
I mean, I think Florida will be good.

1009
01:02:24,616 --> 01:02:27,085
I love working with the elderly people.

1010
01:02:27,244 --> 01:02:29,167
They like me, and I'm good at it.

1011
01:02:29,329 --> 01:02:32,048
And it seems like Florida
has a lot to offer.

1012
01:02:32,207 --> 01:02:35,632
Yeah. Like what? Besides skin cancer.
- Ha, ha, ha.

1013
01:02:36,878 --> 01:02:38,255
You know what I loved?

1014
01:02:39,506 --> 01:02:42,555
I loved that you pissed off
Mac tonight. That was great.

1015
01:02:42,717 --> 01:02:45,311
He's a difficult person.
I can see that. I mean-

1016
01:02:45,470 --> 01:02:48,064
But you gotta tell him back.
You gotta talk back to him.

1017
01:02:48,223 --> 01:02:51,226
Talk back to him? -Yeah. Talk
back. -And say? -You gotta say:

1018
01:02:51,393 --> 01:02:55,148
"Dad, don't talk to me that way.
Stop this. Stop being crazy."

1019
01:02:55,313 --> 01:02:58,275
Yeah. Right. -He'll listen and
respect you. -No, he won't.

1020
01:02:58,441 --> 01:03:00,034
He might be upset,
but he'll respect you.

1021
01:03:00,193 --> 01:03:04,243
Ha-ha-ha. Can you imagine?
Yeah. He's a good listener.

1022
01:03:04,656 --> 01:03:05,873
And your mother?

1023
01:03:06,700 --> 01:03:08,953
My mother,
she- My mother-

1024
01:03:09,119 --> 01:03:12,714
Ahem. This is a true
story. My mother...

1025
01:03:12,872 --> 01:03:16,001
...when I was 4, went to the market...

1026
01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:18,340
...and then she never came home.

1027
01:03:18,503 --> 01:03:21,256
Really, she never came home?
- Never came home.

1028
01:03:21,423 --> 01:03:25,599
And Mac never explained what happened.

1029
01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:28,934
I don't- Why
would she do that?

1030
01:03:29,097 --> 01:03:33,022
You were 4 years old. And,
you know, it wasn't your fault.

1031
01:03:33,184 --> 01:03:35,357
Yeah.
- Well, she was married to your father.

1032
01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:38,945
I mean, I met the guy for 15, 20
minutes, and I wanted to leave.

1033
01:03:39,107 --> 01:03:41,610
You think that's why
she didn't come back?

1034
01:03:41,776 --> 01:03:43,244
Well, I know that's why.
- Maybe.

1035
01:03:43,403 --> 01:03:47,874
I mean, your father's a prick, but
at the same time, your father's there.

1036
01:03:48,033 --> 01:03:51,248
You know,
I- In...

1037
01:03:53,038 --> 01:03:54,961
When I was...

1038
01:03:55,623 --> 01:03:57,625
...a lot younger, I was...

1039
01:03:57,792 --> 01:04:00,545
- .not around a lot, and I wasn't there for my son.

1040
01:04:00,712 --> 01:04:02,931
You had a son?
- Yeah.

1041
01:04:03,298 --> 01:04:07,678
Well, I had one son, and
he died. He passed away.

1042
01:04:10,472 --> 01:04:13,770
I'm sorry. Yeah.

1043
01:04:14,309 --> 01:04:15,811
It was an overdose.

1044
01:04:17,145 --> 01:04:20,274
His mother and I weren't there for
him. It was a toxic relationship.

1045
01:04:20,440 --> 01:04:21,817
I was always on the road.

1046
01:04:21,983 --> 01:04:25,328
Probably avoiding the whole
situation. I was young. I was stupid.

1047
01:04:25,487 --> 01:04:29,333
I can't give an excuse. I have no reason
to say anything except that I was wrong.

1048
01:04:29,491 --> 01:04:32,916
And I didn't accept the responsibility.
I didn't do what I should've done.

1049
01:04:33,078 --> 01:04:35,501
You know? And what do I
do? I make jokes about it.

1050
01:04:35,663 --> 01:04:40,089
I'm a comedian. I make a joke
about horrible "mother-wife" jokes.

1051
01:04:40,251 --> 01:04:43,505
How do you-? What do you mean?
Well, I tell these fucking jokes.

1052
01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:46,675
You know, these horrible
my-wife-is-a-bitch jokes.

1053
01:04:46,841 --> 01:04:49,720
What's a horrible mother and wife?
- No. I don't wanna do it.

1054
01:04:49,886 --> 01:04:52,981
Why not? Why not? Come on.

1055
01:04:53,139 --> 01:04:57,110
Wait. What? Tell me. Here.
Come on. Okay. Stand up.

1056
01:04:58,436 --> 01:05:01,030
Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Burke.

1057
01:05:01,189 --> 01:05:04,860
Okay. Go.
- Okay. Okay. What do you want me to do?

1058
01:05:05,026 --> 01:05:08,326
What do you wanna do?
- Well, you know what I wanna do.

1059
01:05:08,488 --> 01:05:11,954
So, what do I have to do to
get what I wanna do?

1060
01:05:12,117 --> 01:05:14,085
I don't know. It depends
how funny you are.

1061
01:05:14,494 --> 01:05:16,713
Ladies and gentlemen...

1062
01:05:16,871 --> 01:05:21,422
...did you hear about the daddy's girl
who had sex with a 67-year-old comedian?

1063
01:05:22,585 --> 01:05:25,555
Are you only 67? I thought you were 70.

1064
01:05:25,713 --> 01:05:27,386
No. No, but I do wear a diaper.

1065
01:05:27,549 --> 01:05:30,849
Oh, cute. That's sexy.
- Can you help me change it?

1066
01:05:31,010 --> 01:05:32,683
Ha, ha, ha.

1067
01:05:33,847 --> 01:05:35,599
Mm.

1068
01:05:36,766 --> 01:05:38,734
Come sit down.

1069
01:05:39,144 --> 01:05:40,771
Come here.

1070
01:05:42,397 --> 01:05:45,116
I got out of that
one. -Ha-ha-ha.

1071
01:05:45,275 --> 01:05:48,245
This is not what I wanna
be doing. Stand-up tonight.

1072
01:05:48,403 --> 01:05:49,905
You're really good.

1073
01:05:50,071 --> 01:05:52,950
You're really funny,
and you're really cute.

1074
01:05:53,783 --> 01:05:56,662
This is just something I wanna do. Okay?

1075
01:05:56,828 --> 01:05:58,250
It doesn't mean anything.

1076
01:05:58,413 --> 01:06:00,962
It doesn't? Oh.

1077
01:06:01,124 --> 01:06:03,877
Well, then you have to be gentle
because it's my first time.

1078
01:06:04,043 --> 01:06:07,797
And you're
not gonna spend the night.

1079
01:06:07,964 --> 01:06:09,011
I'm not?
- No.

1080
01:06:09,174 --> 01:06:13,020
What am I supposed to do, leave my
dick here and pick it up in the morning?

1081
01:06:13,178 --> 01:06:15,351
Hm. Hm...

1082
01:07:28,628 --> 01:07:30,221
Chow mein?

1083
01:07:32,674 --> 01:07:36,428
Fuck you. "Fuck you." That's good too.

1084
01:07:41,558 --> 01:07:44,186
Hold it. Thank you.
- Good afternoon, Friar Crystal.

1085
01:07:44,352 --> 01:07:47,526
Good to see you. -Nice to see
you. -Jackie. You're out. -Billy.

1086
01:07:47,689 --> 01:07:49,942
I'm out.
- Yeah. Good.

1087
01:07:50,108 --> 01:07:52,952
Oh, uh...

1088
01:07:53,111 --> 01:07:55,364
Must've been strange, huh?

1089
01:07:56,030 --> 01:07:58,374
Interesting.
- Yeah.

1090
01:07:59,659 --> 01:08:02,253
Maximum security, I'm guessing.

1091
01:08:02,412 --> 01:08:05,548
Yeah.
- Really? Kind of.

1092
01:08:05,707 --> 01:08:09,260
Wow.
- Yeah. Roommate?

1093
01:08:10,795 --> 01:08:13,639
Yeah. -You're blushing.
- I found love.

1094
01:08:13,798 --> 01:08:17,515
He's a lucky guy.

1095
01:08:17,677 --> 01:08:21,226
All that rain must be tough on
your ankle bracelet, huh?

1096
01:08:21,389 --> 01:08:23,357
I'm just kidding. I'm glad you're out.

1097
01:08:23,516 --> 01:08:25,610
I'm glad you're doing okay.

1098
01:08:29,480 --> 01:08:33,325
Take care of yourself. Yeah. -
You too. -Yeah. -Work that jab.

1099
01:08:33,484 --> 01:08:35,866
Yeah. Right, asshole.

1100
01:08:36,029 --> 01:08:39,912
What a schmuck.

1101
01:08:48,958 --> 01:08:52,379
Hey, look who's here. Hey.

1102
01:08:52,545 --> 01:08:56,348
Hey, look who it is. It's Jackie
boy. -Jackie. -It's the man.

1103
01:08:56,507 --> 01:08:57,679
Gentlemen.

1104
01:08:57,842 --> 01:09:00,516
You still funny?
- No. I'm doing yourjokes now, Dick.

1105
01:09:00,678 --> 01:09:03,773
I heard you're having a rough time.
Anything we can do, we're here.

1106
01:09:03,931 --> 01:09:07,981
I appreciate that, D'Angelo. Sure,
if I need syphilis, I'll let you know.

1107
01:09:09,395 --> 01:09:13,025
We still holding a grudge?
- No. Are you still doing my jokes, Dick?

1108
01:09:13,191 --> 01:09:15,159
Only the good bits.
- Good.

1109
01:09:15,318 --> 01:09:17,662
Because I'm still doing
your ex-wife. -Ha-ha-ha.

1110
01:09:17,820 --> 01:09:19,914
Aw, some things never change.

1111
01:09:20,740 --> 01:09:23,869
Chivas on the rocks, drop of
water for Mr. Burke, please.

1112
01:09:24,869 --> 01:09:28,506
I thought I fired you.
I've got a possible gig.

1113
01:09:28,665 --> 01:09:32,715
Great. What do I have to do, dress up
as Eddie for a children's birthday party?

1114
01:09:33,252 --> 01:09:35,926
Do you want a job, or do
you want to be asshole?

1115
01:09:36,589 --> 01:09:37,806
Do I have to choose?

1116
01:09:38,675 --> 01:09:41,724
So I'm the treasurer here. We
had a big meeting last night.

1117
01:09:41,886 --> 01:09:44,730
We're having a tribute for
May Conner February 1st.

1118
01:09:44,889 --> 01:09:46,732
It's gonna be a big event. TV special.

1119
01:09:46,891 --> 01:09:49,269
<i>Network thinks they're
gonna pull 7 million viewers.</i>

1120
01:09:49,435 --> 01:09:52,484
May Conner. Love her.

1121
01:09:52,647 --> 01:09:56,117
So D'Angelo is responsible for the
programming. He's calling all the shots.

1122
01:09:56,275 --> 01:09:59,404
And as of right now, it's overbooked.

1123
01:10:02,240 --> 01:10:05,084
Is Billy doing it?
- He's not available.

1124
01:10:05,243 --> 01:10:09,213
We're hoping that changes. And if that
changes, it's not overbooked for him.

1125
01:10:09,372 --> 01:10:13,338
No. Billy Crystal is royalty. You
are not even a member anymore, Jackie.

1126
01:10:13,501 --> 01:10:16,846
You can't show up every once in a
while and expect to be on the dais.

1127
01:10:17,004 --> 01:10:19,507
Okay? You have got to rejoin.

1128
01:10:20,508 --> 01:10:22,556
Kiss the ring, please. Just this once.

1129
01:10:25,221 --> 01:10:27,644
What a fucking shit world this is.

1130
01:10:27,807 --> 01:10:30,401
Hey, Dick, do you have a minute?

1131
01:10:30,560 --> 01:10:32,654
Okay. Okay.

1132
01:10:33,521 --> 01:10:36,821
Listen, I want a good spot on the
rotation. I don't wanna go after him.

1133
01:10:36,983 --> 01:10:40,903
This fuck will steal every joke I
have. You want a spot on May's tribute?

1134
01:10:41,863 --> 01:10:45,620
Yeah. Miller mentioned it.
Actually, I'd be honored to do it.

1135
01:10:47,744 --> 01:10:49,997
She's a barely-living legend.

1136
01:10:51,330 --> 01:10:55,676
Funny. Well, I'm not saying for
sure it's overbooked now, but, uh...

1137
01:10:55,835 --> 01:10:57,883
...anything is possible.

1138
01:11:00,673 --> 01:11:03,142
Pretty please, Dick?

1139
01:11:03,676 --> 01:11:06,555
Miller told me you're thinking
about rejoining. If you did...

1140
01:11:06,721 --> 01:11:10,567
...that would go a long way, but since I'm
also head of the membership committee...

1141
01:11:10,725 --> 01:11:13,148
...I need to ask you a serious question.

1142
01:11:13,686 --> 01:11:15,734
Is your parole officer
joining the club with you?

1143
01:11:15,897 --> 01:11:19,026
Because I can get you
a couple's membership.

1144
01:11:19,692 --> 01:11:22,070
Funny.
- Ha, ha, ha!

1145
01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:27,116
You did good. That
wasn't so bad now, was it?

1146
01:11:27,283 --> 01:11:29,581
I need a power wash.

1147
01:11:54,936 --> 01:11:57,780
<i>Hi,
it's Harmony. Leave a message.</i>

1148
01:11:57,939 --> 01:12:00,237
Hey, Harmony, how are you? It's me.

1149
01:12:00,399 --> 01:12:02,618
Everything okay? I
haven't heard from you.

1150
01:12:02,777 --> 01:12:04,871
The boys at the mission
are asking about you.

1151
01:12:05,029 --> 01:12:08,454
Tell Mac I said, "Arlene."

1152
01:12:08,616 --> 01:12:10,664
Okay. Get back to me.

1153
01:12:18,501 --> 01:12:20,970
Ms. Conner, how many
husbands did you really have?

1154
01:12:21,128 --> 01:12:24,803
Husbands? I can't remember.
Were there five of them or seven?

1155
01:12:26,217 --> 01:12:29,391
Okay, everybody, we're
gonna take five. Thank you.

1156
01:12:29,554 --> 01:12:32,558
Can we take a break with the
pictures? I need a martini.

1157
01:12:32,723 --> 01:12:36,231
May. Jackie Burke.

1158
01:12:36,894 --> 01:12:39,317
Hey, kid.
- How you doing?

1159
01:12:39,897 --> 01:12:42,320
What an honor it is to be
ripping you a new one...

1160
01:12:42,483 --> 01:12:44,781
...in the name of such a worthy cause.

1161
01:12:47,113 --> 01:12:50,083
You mind if I smoke?
- I don't care if you burn.

1162
01:12:50,241 --> 01:12:52,164
I always loved that line.

1163
01:12:52,326 --> 01:12:54,704
I loved Gleason.
- Oh, Gleason loved me.

1164
01:12:54,871 --> 01:12:57,841
He loved my tits.
- Oh. We all loved your tits.

1165
01:12:58,583 --> 01:13:01,507
May, I don't think you can smoke inside.

1166
01:13:01,669 --> 01:13:06,516
I'm 95. If I wanna smoke or piss
on the sidewalk or say the N word...

1167
01:13:06,674 --> 01:13:09,348
...I'm fucking gonna do it.
- Eh. MAY: Eh.

1168
01:13:09,510 --> 01:13:13,105
The world today, heh, heh, so
goddamn serious about everything.

1169
01:13:13,264 --> 01:13:14,686
Exactly. Exactly.

1170
01:13:14,849 --> 01:13:17,272
I'm going to the bar.
Okay? What do you want?

1171
01:13:17,435 --> 01:13:19,062
Martini, one olive, like always?

1172
01:13:19,228 --> 01:13:21,731
God bless you.

1173
01:13:21,898 --> 01:13:23,571
Okay.

1174
01:13:25,526 --> 01:13:27,528
Who was that?

1175
01:13:27,695 --> 01:13:31,541
All right, everyone.
Let's salute our honored guest.

1176
01:13:42,543 --> 01:13:46,134
May? May, listen to me,
okay? I'm your friend. Okay?

1177
01:13:46,797 --> 01:13:51,018
It's over. You're finished. Finito.
Your movies are on the History channel.

1178
01:13:51,177 --> 01:13:53,054
And your movies?

1179
01:13:53,220 --> 01:13:56,099
What movies? You aren't in any movies.

1180
01:13:56,307 --> 01:13:58,938
You tell him, May!

1181
01:13:59,101 --> 01:14:02,989
All joking aside- - What
jokes?

1182
01:14:03,147 --> 01:14:05,400
She told you, Dick.
Go get them, May.

1183
01:14:05,566 --> 01:14:09,116
You, truly, are one of the greatest
talents in this business. What can I say?

1184
01:14:09,278 --> 01:14:11,121
You're a barely-living legend.

1185
01:14:13,574 --> 01:14:16,874
I mean- I mean, quite honestly,
I'm amazed you're still sitting up.

1186
01:14:17,745 --> 01:14:21,548
Okay. That's enough,
Dick. Wake up, people.

1187
01:14:21,707 --> 01:14:24,927
The "whatever-happened-to" portion
of the evening is officially over.

1188
01:14:25,086 --> 01:14:26,429
Go back to sleep.
- Go to hell.

1189
01:14:26,587 --> 01:14:29,553
Or do you need your parole officer's
permission? "Parole officer" this.

1190
01:14:29,715 --> 01:14:31,638
Come on, get the fuck out of here.

1191
01:14:32,677 --> 01:14:35,601
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome back to the Friars Club...

1192
01:14:35,763 --> 01:14:41,816
...Jackie Burke, also known as Eddie,
also known as prisoner 9-4-2-8-2-8.

1193
01:14:41,978 --> 01:14:44,401
Jailbird!

1194
01:14:44,563 --> 01:14:47,988
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did a little time.

1195
01:14:48,567 --> 01:14:51,116
But my 30 days is nothing
compared to the hard time...

1196
01:14:51,278 --> 01:14:54,031
...you just served listening
to this guy, D'Angelo.

1197
01:14:54,198 --> 01:14:55,916
Give him a hand.

1198
01:14:56,367 --> 01:14:59,371
Now let's get to the main
event. WOMAN 2: Looking great, May!

1199
01:14:59,537 --> 01:15:01,460
May... WOMAN 2: Yeah, May.

1200
01:15:01,622 --> 01:15:03,545
...oh, May.

1201
01:15:04,709 --> 01:15:07,679
We've heard a lot about your
many accomplishments tonight...

1202
01:15:07,837 --> 01:15:11,341
...but no one's really talked about
how tough it was for you starting out.

1203
01:15:11,507 --> 01:15:12,804
It was tough.

1204
01:15:12,967 --> 01:15:16,062
It was tough. You tell me about
it. I know how tough it was.

1205
01:15:16,220 --> 01:15:18,439
Well, tell me about it.
- All right.

1206
01:15:18,597 --> 01:15:21,726
Today, you can get by just
by blowing the director.

1207
01:15:21,892 --> 01:15:23,109
I love you, May!

1208
01:15:26,731 --> 01:15:30,110
But, God, when I think of
the things that you had to do.

1209
01:15:30,276 --> 01:15:32,654
I did.
- But whatever you did worked...

1210
01:15:32,820 --> 01:15:35,448
...because you played
some of the most iconic...

1211
01:15:35,614 --> 01:15:39,584
...roles in the history of
film. And I, Jackie Burke...

1212
01:15:39,994 --> 01:15:42,796
...was with you all the way.

1213
01:15:42,955 --> 01:15:46,754
♪ All the way ♪ ♪ All the way ♪

1214
01:15:46,917 --> 01:15:51,172
<i>When you played the title role
in The Battleship Potemkin...</i>

1215
01:15:51,338 --> 01:15:55,593
...I was one of the sailors you took on.

1216
01:15:55,760 --> 01:15:59,936
Remember me? I came in your porthole.

1217
01:16:01,849 --> 01:16:04,147
Then we were reunited.

1218
01:16:04,310 --> 01:16:06,404
Who could ever forget
when we were together...

1219
01:16:06,562 --> 01:16:09,566
<i>...in the original Poseidon
Adventure? You as the Poseidon.</i>

1220
01:16:09,732 --> 01:16:12,235
Me as the cabin boy.
- You were the cabin boy.

1221
01:16:12,401 --> 01:16:14,654
You know. You remember.

1222
01:16:15,071 --> 01:16:18,824
Remember my audition?
- Yeah.

1223
01:16:19,408 --> 01:16:23,246
Yes, and you got the
part.

1224
01:16:23,746 --> 01:16:26,044
And I went down with the ship.

1225
01:16:27,083 --> 01:16:30,007
Yes, May Conner, you
chewed a lot of scenery...

1226
01:16:30,169 --> 01:16:31,716
...in your time.
- I certainly did.

1227
01:16:31,879 --> 01:16:34,177
And swallowed.
- Whoa!

1228
01:16:37,885 --> 01:16:42,732
May Conner: star,
philanthropist, Oscar winner...

1229
01:16:42,890 --> 01:16:45,313
...and record holder for
fucking more young boys...

1230
01:16:45,476 --> 01:16:49,443
...than the entire Los Angeles
Archdiocese.

1231
01:16:49,605 --> 01:16:51,403
You are really something.
- Jackie. Stop.

1232
01:16:51,565 --> 01:16:54,865
It's okay, May. It's okay. Don't
worry. D'Angelo's not coming back.

1233
01:16:55,027 --> 01:16:57,826
He's just touching you now,
but he's gonna go away. May?

1234
01:16:57,988 --> 01:17:00,662
Seriously, May? An orgasm now?

1235
01:17:04,453 --> 01:17:07,923
What's happening? WOMAN 3:
Oh, my God. WOMAN 2: Is she all right?

1236
01:17:08,082 --> 01:17:11,006
May, you okay?
- Uh...

1237
01:17:12,002 --> 01:17:15,598
Give her some water. MAN
No, no, no. Get a doctor.

1238
01:17:15,756 --> 01:17:18,843
May... WOMAN 1:
Somebody do something.

1239
01:17:19,009 --> 01:17:20,852
I'm not sure if this is...

1240
01:17:21,011 --> 01:17:24,436
ls there a doctor in the house?
Seriously. We need a doctor.

1241
01:17:24,598 --> 01:17:25,975
Come up here immediately.

1242
01:17:26,142 --> 01:17:28,736
Don't block these
aisles. MAN 2: Call a medic!

1243
01:17:29,728 --> 01:17:30,820
Stay in your places.

1244
01:17:31,856 --> 01:17:34,279
Somebody...
- Get her back. Get her back.

1245
01:17:34,900 --> 01:17:38,362
Somebody, aspirin.
- Get some aspirin. MAN 5: Get the defibrillator!

1246
01:17:38,529 --> 01:17:42,075
You killed. MAN 3:
Should someone call 911?

1247
01:17:42,241 --> 01:17:45,912
I didn't get to my best stuff.

1248
01:17:46,120 --> 01:17:50,216
<i>Three-time Oscar winner and
six-time Emmy winner, May Conner...</i>

1249
01:17:50,374 --> 01:17:53,674
<i>...suffered a fatal heart attack
on stage at 11:00 tonight...</i>

1250
01:17:53,836 --> 01:17:55,133
<i>...at the Edison Ballroom.</i>

1251
01:17:55,296 --> 01:17:59,551
<i>The 95-year-old Conner was taken by
ambulance to Mt. Sinai Hospital...</i>

1252
01:17:59,717 --> 01:18:02,015
<i>...where she was
pronounced dead on arrival.</i>

1253
01:18:02,178 --> 01:18:03,976
<i>The legendary actress-comedienne...</i>

1254
01:18:04,138 --> 01:18:06,857
<i>...was the honoree at
tonight's Friars Club Tribute.</i>

1255
01:18:07,016 --> 01:18:09,735
<i>New York One's Jaime Puckett
was there and spoke afterward...</i>

1256
01:18:09,894 --> 01:18:12,397
<i>...with Friars Abbot Dick D'Angelo.</i>

1257
01:18:12,563 --> 01:18:15,658
<i>We lost a great one tonight. Fm, uh...</i>

1258
01:18:17,818 --> 01:18:19,741
<i>"devastated.</i>

1259
01:18:20,237 --> 01:18:23,286
<i>May and I were more than just- Fans
all over the world will be mourning.</i>

1260
01:18:23,449 --> 01:18:26,544
<i>She was, truly,
America's Queen of Comedy.</i>

1261
01:18:26,702 --> 01:18:31,208
<i>Family members requested that
the Friars canoe! the broadcast...</i>

1262
01:18:31,373 --> 01:18:32,875
<i>...and, of course, we agreed.</i>

1263
01:18:56,023 --> 01:18:58,902
So nothing in New York.
Nothing in the tristate area.

1264
01:18:59,068 --> 01:19:03,539
We have three offers for appearances.
In Wisconsin is a Democratic fundraiser.

1265
01:19:03,697 --> 01:19:05,290
Wisconsin in February? Next.

1266
01:19:05,449 --> 01:19:09,124
Then a three-day master-comedy
class seminar at SOAS College.

1267
01:19:09,286 --> 01:19:11,288
What's SOAS College?
- It's in London.

1268
01:19:11,455 --> 01:19:14,299
The last one you're not gonna
like, but it pays the most.

1269
01:19:14,458 --> 01:19:16,460
It's a television-classics
autograph convention...

1270
01:19:16,627 --> 01:19:19,801
...in West Palm Beach doing Eddie.
- What are the Democrats paying?

1271
01:19:19,964 --> 01:19:21,341
Three thousand, plus expenses.

1272
01:19:21,507 --> 01:19:25,057
The Republicans would pay a lot
more, but who wants to do it for them?

1273
01:19:25,219 --> 01:19:28,605
So, what about London? Five
thousand, but you pay for your ticket.

1274
01:19:28,764 --> 01:19:32,439
What about Florida? -Twenty-five
thousand, plus expenses.

1275
01:19:32,601 --> 01:19:34,023
I gotta take that.

1276
01:19:34,853 --> 01:19:36,776
Yeah.
- For you.

1277
01:19:37,690 --> 01:19:40,534
Here's your number
seven. Hold the Russian dressing.

1278
01:19:40,693 --> 01:19:41,865
What are you doing after work?

1279
01:19:42,027 --> 01:19:45,702
She deserted you? JACKIE: No, she's
gonna come back. FLO: Cool it, Casanova.

1280
01:19:45,864 --> 01:19:47,787
Flo, we were joshing.

1281
01:19:47,950 --> 01:19:50,044
Excuse me? MAN: All right.
I'll get the number seven.

1282
01:19:50,202 --> 01:19:52,204
You got 30 days, I got life.

1283
01:19:52,371 --> 01:19:56,292
Does she know? About the money? -Yes.
- Gonna take a while to pay you back.

1284
01:19:56,458 --> 01:20:00,463
No. She knows, and we both agree,
we don't want you to pay us back.

1285
01:20:00,629 --> 01:20:02,472
What does that
mean? You can't-

1286
01:20:02,631 --> 01:20:05,635
What it means is I don't have to
do this anymore. You understand?

1287
01:20:05,801 --> 01:20:08,350
I'm through with this.
I'm done with this.

1288
01:20:08,512 --> 01:20:12,688
You don't come back anymore
and ask for anything ever again.

1289
01:20:12,850 --> 01:20:15,194
What are you so mad about?
- I'm not mad-.

1290
01:20:15,352 --> 01:20:18,572
But people
don't change. People never change.

1291
01:20:18,731 --> 01:20:21,325
They are what they are, and that's that.

1292
01:20:21,483 --> 01:20:23,326
What is this?

1293
01:20:24,069 --> 01:20:27,824
You see how it is with
her? Like, you've become a thing.

1294
01:20:27,990 --> 01:20:29,367
Oh, I'm a thing now?

1295
01:20:29,533 --> 01:20:32,036
You're a thing, I can't take
it, I can't do it anymore.

1296
01:20:32,202 --> 01:20:35,919
I can't take the aggravation.
I don't know what to say.

1297
01:20:36,081 --> 01:20:39,301
I'm so fucking aggravated. I'm
trying to get something going here.

1298
01:20:39,460 --> 01:20:42,384
By the way, I thought you killed
at the wedding. You killed.

1299
01:20:42,546 --> 01:20:44,969
You smashed. You knocked
it out of the park.

1300
01:20:45,132 --> 01:20:47,726
It was- I had fun doing
it. -Brittany loved it.

1301
01:20:47,885 --> 01:20:50,642
She was never happier. Oh,
good. Well, that's good.

1302
01:20:50,804 --> 01:20:52,852
That's what it's all
about, for her, you know?

1303
01:20:53,015 --> 01:20:55,268
If you're ever playing
anywhere, you let me know.

1304
01:20:55,434 --> 01:20:58,062
I'll come, we'll have a beer.
- Okay. That, I appreciate.

1305
01:20:58,228 --> 01:21:01,652
Okay?
- Yeah. See you.

1306
01:21:01,815 --> 01:21:03,692
I'll call you tomorrow.

1307
01:21:04,860 --> 01:21:06,282
Okay.

1308
01:21:06,445 --> 01:21:09,824
So, what's it gonna be?
Wisconsin, London or Florida?

1309
01:21:51,490 --> 01:21:54,873
<i>Wow,
what a beautiful audience.</i>

1310
01:21:55,035 --> 01:21:58,835
I wanna say before we start, I've been
looking forward to this performance...

1311
01:21:58,997 --> 01:22:04,345
...more than any other because being
here with you makes me feel alive.

1312
01:22:04,795 --> 01:22:08,636
♪ Somebody hold me too close ♪
Sing along if you know the words.

1313
01:22:08,799 --> 01:22:11,393
♪ Somebody hurt me too deep ♪

1314
01:22:11,802 --> 01:22:15,559
♪ Somebody sit
in my- ♪ Chair.

1315
01:22:16,890 --> 01:22:22,488
- ♪ And make me aware of being alive ♪
- ♪ Alive ♪

1316
01:22:23,147 --> 01:22:27,368
♪ Being alive ♪

1317
01:22:28,068 --> 01:22:30,787
♪ Somebody need me too much ♪

1318
01:22:31,780 --> 01:22:34,659
♪ Somebody know me too well ♪

1319
01:22:35,200 --> 01:22:39,546
♪ Somebody pull me up short
And put me through hell ♪

1320
01:22:39,705 --> 01:22:45,712
IAnd give me support For being alive ♪

1321
01:22:45,878 --> 01:22:51,726
♪ Make me alive Make me confused ♪

1322
01:22:51,884 --> 01:22:55,391
What is that? Look who's here.

1323
01:22:55,554 --> 01:22:58,808
The laugh-a-minute. What
the fuck are you doing here?

1324
01:22:58,974 --> 01:23:01,693
I just came by to say hello.

1325
01:23:01,852 --> 01:23:04,321
Passing through.
- Oh, could you say goodbye?

1326
01:23:04,480 --> 01:23:06,824
♪ Somebody let me come through ♪

1327
01:23:07,024 --> 01:23:09,493
Uh. Just calm down. It's
okay. I'm just visiting.

1328
01:23:09,651 --> 01:23:12,495
Don't let the door hit you
in the ass on the way out.

1329
01:23:12,654 --> 01:23:14,907
Eddie. Is that you?

1330
01:23:15,657 --> 01:23:18,126
<i>Aren't you Eddie from Eddie's Home?</i>

1331
01:23:18,285 --> 01:23:20,708
I'm such a fan of yours.

1332
01:23:20,871 --> 01:23:23,795
No. No. It's okay.
- Oh, I love it. I just love you.

1333
01:23:25,125 --> 01:23:30,006
♪ Alive N'

1334
01:23:30,839 --> 01:23:33,805
Thank you! Oh, thank you so much.

1335
01:23:33,967 --> 01:23:36,311
Thank you so, so much.

1336
01:23:36,470 --> 01:23:39,144
That was sweet. DEVIN:
Thank you so, so much.

1337
01:23:39,306 --> 01:23:41,893
Thank you so much.
- You know... WOMAN: Nice.

1338
01:23:42,059 --> 01:23:45,939
...it isn't often enough that we
take the time to hear the stories...

1339
01:23:46,104 --> 01:23:48,323
...and listen to the
wisdom of our elders.

1340
01:23:48,482 --> 01:23:51,156
So I wanna come down and get to
know some of you wonderful people.

1341
01:23:51,318 --> 01:23:53,571
Let's start with you, young
lady. What's your name?

1342
01:23:53,737 --> 01:23:57,457
Adele.
- Hello, Adele. Tell us a little about yourself.

1343
01:23:57,658 --> 01:24:01,583
Um, I was a gym teacher for 42 years.

1344
01:24:01,745 --> 01:24:03,747
Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

1345
01:24:03,914 --> 01:24:07,843
I'm gonna tell everybody. DEVIN:
You look terrific. See him? Eddie.

1346
01:24:08,001 --> 01:24:09,969
Why are you here?
- What do you mean?

1347
01:24:10,128 --> 01:24:12,972
What are you doing here?
- I'm here. I just told your father.

1348
01:24:13,131 --> 01:24:16,681
What, is Alzheimer's contagious?
- Your punch lines for us are over.

1349
01:24:16,843 --> 01:24:20,723
Can you give us a sec? DEVIN: Oh,
thank you. Thank you so, so much.

1350
01:24:20,889 --> 01:24:23,358
Let's go over here.
What's your name, miss?

1351
01:24:23,517 --> 01:24:25,565
Look. Look who's
there. WOMAN: I am Miriam.

1352
01:24:25,727 --> 01:24:27,980
Tell us a little about yourself.
- Eddie.

1353
01:24:28,146 --> 01:24:30,365
Well, I was a dancer.

1354
01:24:30,941 --> 01:24:32,534
I was on Broadway once.

1355
01:24:32,776 --> 01:24:36,159
Eddie.
- Ohh! Broadway star. MAC: What's new, Esther?

1356
01:24:36,321 --> 01:24:39,120
I can't believe Eddie's here.
Right here in our midst.

1357
01:24:39,283 --> 01:24:42,207
Can I have your autograph?
- Why did you show up without calling?

1358
01:24:42,369 --> 01:24:45,293
Well, I didn't. I called you
before and you never answered me.

1359
01:24:45,455 --> 01:24:49,460
You never got back to me once. I thought
I'd come say hello since I was down here.

1360
01:24:49,626 --> 01:24:51,549
Go out there, big shot. They want you.

1361
01:24:51,712 --> 01:24:53,714
I'm not fucking going out there. You go.

1362
01:24:53,880 --> 01:24:56,508
Come on. You're an entertainer.
Give them what they want.

1363
01:24:56,675 --> 01:25:00,179
Come on.
- You do it, buddy. You go up and do it.

1364
01:25:00,596 --> 01:25:02,348
Yeah, but you can't just show up here.

1365
01:25:02,514 --> 01:25:05,188
I just came here for
business. A convention.

1366
01:25:05,350 --> 01:25:09,275
You had a convention? -I'm going
to a convention. -You're just-

1367
01:25:09,438 --> 01:25:12,315
Well, you should've called...
- ...and not- -What's wrong?

1368
01:25:13,150 --> 01:25:15,573
Nothing's wrong.
- After I left those messages...

1369
01:25:15,736 --> 01:25:17,738
...so many messages,
you didn't call me once.

1370
01:25:17,904 --> 01:25:20,453
You- - I texted you,
you didn't answer the text.

1371
01:25:20,616 --> 01:25:22,334
No. Really, I've just been so busy.

1372
01:25:22,492 --> 01:25:24,665
Okay. I understand
that, but I'm here now.

1373
01:25:24,828 --> 01:25:27,456
Thought I'd take you to dinner.
How about tomorrow night?

1374
01:25:27,623 --> 01:25:29,967
That's fine. Just call
before you show up like that.

1375
01:25:30,125 --> 01:25:33,174
Okay. Let's have a
hand for Devin O'Connor.

1376
01:25:34,504 --> 01:25:35,630
Thank you.

1377
01:25:35,797 --> 01:25:38,676
Great performance. Folks...
Good job, honey. Thank you.

1378
01:25:38,842 --> 01:25:42,016
...I've got a really
big surprise for you now.

1379
01:25:42,179 --> 01:25:44,352
Just in from New York...
- Oh, no.

1380
01:25:44,514 --> 01:25:48,610
...television star and personal friend:
- This guy.

1381
01:25:48,769 --> 01:25:52,319
Eddie from Eddie's Home. MAN: See?

1382
01:25:53,315 --> 01:25:56,034
That's right.
Eddie from Eddie's Home.

1383
01:25:56,193 --> 01:26:00,323
Don't go out there. No. This
isn't- This is not your crowd.

1384
01:26:00,489 --> 01:26:03,454
They don't like comedy. MAC:
Let's bring him up here.

1385
01:26:03,617 --> 01:26:05,915
If you want to, you
can, but... MAC: Come on.

1386
01:26:06,078 --> 01:26:09,798
...it's not a good idea. MAC: Yeah.
Now your father's my best friend.

1387
01:26:09,956 --> 01:26:12,004
Yes. Can you believe it?

1388
01:26:15,253 --> 01:26:17,927
Thank you. Thank you. Happy
to be here. Happy to be here.

1389
01:26:18,090 --> 01:26:21,640
And I wanna thank my new
best friend, Mac Schiltz.

1390
01:26:22,052 --> 01:26:24,646
Only he knows how close we really are.

1391
01:26:24,805 --> 01:26:27,729
Okay, Miriam, you're a dancer?

1392
01:26:28,558 --> 01:26:31,861
Yeah.
- Come sit on my lap. I'll spin you around like a dreidel.

1393
01:26:32,020 --> 01:26:33,442
That was a Jewish joke.

1394
01:26:34,356 --> 01:26:37,360
My mother was a dancer. She
worked at a gentleman's club.

1395
01:26:37,526 --> 01:26:39,244
She was a lap dancer.

1396
01:26:39,403 --> 01:26:41,781
You imagine how hard
it was for me to nurse?

1397
01:26:42,239 --> 01:26:44,207
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

1398
01:26:44,408 --> 01:26:47,412
Is that supposed to be funny?
- It was supposed to be funny.

1399
01:26:47,577 --> 01:26:51,123
You didn't like that?
- Well... Would you like me to do it another way?

1400
01:26:51,289 --> 01:26:54,126
Like that?
That's not funny to you?

1401
01:26:54,292 --> 01:26:56,670
What kind of dancer were you?
- I was a chorus girl.

1402
01:26:56,837 --> 01:26:58,680
A chorus girl.

1403
01:26:58,839 --> 01:27:01,592
I always wanted to bang a chorus girl.
- Join the club.

1404
01:27:01,758 --> 01:27:03,635
Oh, good comeback.

1405
01:27:03,802 --> 01:27:06,225
You're a good sport,
Miriam. I like that.

1406
01:27:06,388 --> 01:27:09,896
Let's do a threesome: me,
you and Adele.

1407
01:27:10,058 --> 01:27:14,655
How about that? She was a gym teacher,
so she'll do all the heavy lifting.

1408
01:27:14,813 --> 01:27:17,775
Probably a dyke.
- Oh! JACKIE: That doesn't matter.

1409
01:27:17,941 --> 01:27:20,535
What's with these guys
here? What's this group?

1410
01:27:20,694 --> 01:27:23,538
You look like a street gang or something.
- Yeah. That's us.

1411
01:27:23,697 --> 01:27:24,914
What's your name?
- Herman.

1412
01:27:25,073 --> 01:27:27,826
Herman. With a name like that,
you must have got laid a lot.

1413
01:27:27,993 --> 01:27:29,791
Heh, heh, oh-ho.

1414
01:27:29,953 --> 01:27:34,379
I recognize you. I remember. I see you
prowling all the discos and clubs here.

1415
01:27:34,541 --> 01:27:37,545
There's a lot of them in this
part of the world. Good for you.

1416
01:27:37,711 --> 01:27:40,555
What about your porn? You
guys have a porn collection?

1417
01:27:40,714 --> 01:27:43,967
Who's got the best pussy shots?
- Bernie. JACKIE: Bernie.

1418
01:27:44,134 --> 01:27:46,307
Yeah.
- Now listen, I'm curious, Bernie.

1419
01:27:46,470 --> 01:27:48,893
Are you a breast man or tit man?

1420
01:27:49,055 --> 01:27:52,609
Leg man? Ass man? -
Whatever else? -Tuchuses.

1421
01:27:52,768 --> 01:27:56,400
<i>Tuchuses?
- Yes.</i>

1422
01:27:57,522 --> 01:27:59,945
Have you met Adele, the gym teacher?
- Oh, yeah.

1423
01:28:00,108 --> 01:28:02,952
I know you two must have been fucking
each other for a couple of years.

1424
01:28:03,111 --> 01:28:06,206
She used to be able to climb
up a rope with just her ass.

1425
01:28:06,364 --> 01:28:07,786
Oh, no.

1426
01:28:08,658 --> 01:28:12,037
Adele, I found a live one. No.

1427
01:28:12,204 --> 01:28:14,753
I think he's alive, hold
on. Yeah. He's alive.

1428
01:28:14,915 --> 01:28:16,667
Still ticking. Where you going?

1429
01:28:16,833 --> 01:28:19,177
Hey, hey, fellow. Rip Van Winkle.

1430
01:28:19,336 --> 01:28:21,839
My name is Benjamin. I
gotta go to the bathroom.

1431
01:28:22,005 --> 01:28:25,009
Benjamin, what do you have to
do, number one or number two?

1432
01:28:28,261 --> 01:28:30,931
Uh-oh.

1433
01:28:31,306 --> 01:28:34,150
Number three.
- Oh.

1434
01:28:34,309 --> 01:28:35,902
Number three?
- Yeah.

1435
01:28:37,312 --> 01:28:40,941
Wow. Number three. The
big Mac Schiltz special.

1436
01:28:43,860 --> 01:28:46,534
Are you sure? I think you
already did something there.

1437
01:28:46,696 --> 01:28:49,825
You know, l... Looks like
you did number six there.

1438
01:28:50,867 --> 01:28:52,414
Jesus, or maybe it's up to eight.

1439
01:28:55,413 --> 01:28:58,041
Okay. I see you all
like bathroom humor...

1440
01:28:58,208 --> 01:29:02,054
...which is good because that's what
I like. We're all thinking alike.

1441
01:29:02,212 --> 01:29:06,388
Look, I'm gonna do a song, and I'm
gonna change the lyrics slightly.

1442
01:29:06,550 --> 01:29:08,803
So I think we'll have a little
fun with that. It's called-

1443
01:29:08,969 --> 01:29:12,143
Well, you've all heard
the song "Makin' Whoopee"?

1444
01:29:12,305 --> 01:29:16,026
So I'm just gonna change it a
little, and when I point to you...

1445
01:29:16,184 --> 01:29:18,733
...you go, "Not making poopie."

1446
01:29:18,895 --> 01:29:21,902
Can we do that? WOMAN: Okay.

1447
01:29:22,065 --> 01:29:23,908
One, two, three. Let's try it now:

1448
01:29:24,067 --> 01:29:26,741
♪ Not makin' poopie ♪

1449
01:29:26,903 --> 01:29:28,280
Okay. One more time.

1450
01:29:28,446 --> 01:29:31,700
Come on, you guys sound like you
need a little coke to get you going.

1451
01:29:31,867 --> 01:29:33,915
One more time, one, two, three:

1452
01:29:34,077 --> 01:29:38,005
♪ Not makin' poopie
♪ Yeah! Okay. Great.

1453
01:29:38,164 --> 01:29:41,801
Here we go. Here it goes. Maestro...

1454
01:29:42,127 --> 01:29:45,097
♪ Another fear ♪

1455
01:29:45,255 --> 01:29:47,508
♪ Another year ♪

1456
01:29:47,674 --> 01:29:49,768
♪ Another enema ♪

1457
01:29:49,926 --> 01:29:53,855
♪ In your rear ♪ ♪ Elimination ♪

1458
01:29:54,180 --> 01:29:58,105
♪ Constipation ♪
♪ Not makin'- ♪

1459
01:29:58,268 --> 01:30:00,816
♪ Poopie ♪ Yeah.

1460
01:30:00,979 --> 01:30:04,950
♪ Pee pee is fine
Except if it leaks ♪

1461
01:30:05,108 --> 01:30:08,738
♪ What'd you expect
From elderly freaks? ♪

1462
01:30:10,071 --> 01:30:11,539
♪ It's so abusive ♪

1463
01:30:11,698 --> 01:30:15,581
♪ Stools are elusive
♪ ♪ Not makin' ♪

1464
01:30:15,744 --> 01:30:18,042
Whoopee, not "poopie."

1465
01:30:19,039 --> 01:30:22,630
We're doing "poopie" here.
- I am not. -All right.

1466
01:30:22,792 --> 01:30:25,470
Uh-oh.

1467
01:30:26,379 --> 01:30:30,346
We've got a killjoy in the house. Okay.

1468
01:30:30,508 --> 01:30:32,476
♪ You're on the toilet ♪

1469
01:30:32,636 --> 01:30:34,855
IFrom9to5 ♪

1470
01:30:35,013 --> 01:30:39,519
♪ Holy shit It's good to be alive ♪

1471
01:30:39,684 --> 01:30:41,357
♪ It's all a breeze now ♪

1472
01:30:41,853 --> 01:30:44,572
♪ But please don't sneeze now ♪

1473
01:30:46,816 --> 01:30:48,944
♪ You're making poopie ♪

1474
01:30:49,361 --> 01:30:51,363
Big finish.

1475
01:30:51,529 --> 01:30:56,581
♪ Not being loopy
Better than whoopee ♪

1476
01:30:56,743 --> 01:30:58,120
Everybody now.

1477
01:30:58,286 --> 01:31:02,336
<i>♪ I'm making poopie N</i>

1478
01:31:04,084 --> 01:31:07,052
Poopie. Poopie.

1479
01:31:08,713 --> 01:31:12,388
<i>Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.</i>

1480
01:31:12,550 --> 01:31:16,388
Well, I hope nobody was
offended here. It was all in good fun.

1481
01:31:16,554 --> 01:31:21,981
In about 20 years, we're all gonna be
dead, so let's celebrate while we can.

1482
01:31:34,364 --> 01:31:35,911
Thanks for coming.

1483
01:31:40,954 --> 01:31:43,924
I feel like I'm looking
at myself in the mirror.

1484
01:31:44,082 --> 01:31:45,959
What's your name?
- Ted.

1485
01:31:46,126 --> 01:31:49,426
Are you still friends with the
other actors, Arlene and your son?

1486
01:31:49,587 --> 01:31:51,681
No. They all died.
- Oh...

1487
01:31:51,840 --> 01:31:55,722
Sorry.
- Oh. Boy, they were funny.

1488
01:31:55,885 --> 01:31:58,889
Funny. Funny. She was
funny. He was funny.

1489
01:31:59,055 --> 01:32:02,313
Very funny. -Can I ask
you something? -Sure.

1490
01:32:02,475 --> 01:32:05,354
Do you still think the show
is funny after all these years?

1491
01:32:06,062 --> 01:32:08,656
Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes...

1492
01:32:08,815 --> 01:32:11,409
...but it wasn't
always about the laughs.

1493
01:32:11,568 --> 01:32:15,493
Eddie could say the craziest things.
I think that's what I liked most.

1494
01:32:15,989 --> 01:32:17,161
Oh...

1495
01:32:17,365 --> 01:32:21,165
Can I just get one "Hey,
Arlene" for my wife? Just one?

1496
01:32:21,327 --> 01:32:23,045
Yeah. Sure.

1497
01:32:24,414 --> 01:32:28,044
"Arlene, Eddie's home!

1498
01:32:28,209 --> 01:32:31,338
I'm gonna kill the whole fucking family!

1499
01:32:31,504 --> 01:32:35,099
Me, you and our little fruitcake son!"

1500
01:32:35,258 --> 01:32:37,477
Oh, my God.

1501
01:32:37,635 --> 01:32:40,514
How's that?
- That's what I'm talking about.

1502
01:32:40,680 --> 01:32:43,399
You liked that'?
- Thanks for being Eddie. Ho!

1503
01:32:58,615 --> 01:33:01,576
Hey.
- Hey, you ready? Um...

1504
01:33:01,743 --> 01:33:05,998
I actually don't feel very good. I
was thinking about staying in tonight.

1505
01:33:06,456 --> 01:33:08,879
Okay.
- Yeah.

1506
01:33:09,042 --> 01:33:11,545
You all right?
- Yeah.

1507
01:33:15,006 --> 01:33:16,599
Can I come in?

1508
01:33:17,509 --> 01:33:21,183
For a minute? Sure.

1509
01:33:27,102 --> 01:33:30,613
You look nice. Thanks. You too.

1510
01:33:30,772 --> 01:33:33,070
No, I don't.

1511
01:33:33,233 --> 01:33:37,157
Is everything okay?
Yeah, because we had-

1512
01:33:37,320 --> 01:33:41,666
We had such a good time, and
now everything feels a little-

1513
01:33:41,825 --> 01:33:45,333
A little off. I mean,
do you have a boyfriend...

1514
01:33:45,495 --> 01:33:48,089
...or somebody you're seeing?
- No.

1515
01:33:49,457 --> 01:33:52,840
No. No.

1516
01:33:53,419 --> 01:33:57,174
Something that I did? No, no, no.

1517
01:33:57,340 --> 01:33:58,762
No?

1518
01:34:02,387 --> 01:34:04,014
Well...

1519
01:34:05,140 --> 01:34:08,143
...um... ...I'm pregnant.

1520
01:34:11,146 --> 01:34:14,528
Hm. You're pregnant.

1521
01:34:20,029 --> 01:34:21,656
Is it, uh...?

1522
01:34:23,491 --> 01:34:26,335
So-? It's
me, you mean?

1523
01:34:28,538 --> 01:34:31,925
Yeah. Heh. I know.

1524
01:34:32,083 --> 01:34:34,677
You sure?
- Yeah.

1525
01:34:34,836 --> 01:34:39,933
I mean, the timing's right, and I haven't been with anyone else, so.

1526
01:34:40,091 --> 01:34:42,970
You haven't been with anyone
else? You gotta be honest with me.

1527
01:34:43,136 --> 01:34:45,389
Can you blame me? I gotta ask you.

1528
01:34:45,555 --> 01:34:47,398
I mean, I have to.

1529
01:34:51,394 --> 01:34:54,523
I've gotta make sure that it's my child.

1530
01:34:56,107 --> 01:34:57,484
Wow.

1531
01:34:58,151 --> 01:35:00,199
Okay. Um...

1532
01:35:01,779 --> 01:35:03,326
No.

1533
01:35:04,157 --> 01:35:06,285
It's yours.

1534
01:35:13,708 --> 01:35:15,927
Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are.

1535
01:35:16,085 --> 01:35:19,009
I'm not- - No. You're
not as shocked as I am.

1536
01:35:19,172 --> 01:35:21,300
Yeah, I am.
- No, you're not.

1537
01:35:21,466 --> 01:35:24,811
Wow. Um...

1538
01:35:26,304 --> 01:35:28,227
You know, I wasn't gonna...

1539
01:35:28,389 --> 01:35:30,892
...do this, and I made the
appointment at the clinic...

1540
01:35:31,059 --> 01:35:34,529
...and I drove myself
down there, and I...

1541
01:35:35,355 --> 01:35:38,029
...couldn't get out of the
car. It was the weirdest thing.

1542
01:35:38,191 --> 01:35:42,412
L- I just kept
thinking about...

1543
01:35:42,570 --> 01:35:47,417
...the talk that we had and
talking about my mom and I-

1544
01:35:48,076 --> 01:35:51,671
You know, I felt like I couldn't...

1545
01:35:51,829 --> 01:35:54,833
...make this baby feel
unwanted the way I was.

1546
01:35:54,999 --> 01:35:58,344
And I
just- l_§

1547
01:35:58,503 --> 01:36:03,475
I feel like I'm never gonna have this
opportunity again, you know, and...

1548
01:36:04,133 --> 01:36:07,057
...so I'm gonna give it a shot...

1549
01:36:07,220 --> 01:36:10,144
...and I'm excited.

1550
01:36:14,477 --> 01:36:16,900
So I have nothing to say about this?

1551
01:36:17,855 --> 01:36:21,488
What do you have to say? Well, maybe
I don't wanna be a father again.

1552
01:36:21,651 --> 01:36:24,825
Okay. Well, you don't have to
be a father. Nobody's asking you.

1553
01:36:24,988 --> 01:36:28,413
But I'm gonna be the father and I'm
gonna be an older father, which...

1554
01:36:28,574 --> 01:36:31,202
...I don't expect you
to understand, but I am.

1555
01:36:31,369 --> 01:36:34,919
I can't even guarantee how long
I'll be around for the child.

1556
01:36:35,665 --> 01:36:38,214
I'm... Um...

1557
01:36:39,210 --> 01:36:42,214
Actually, it's me having
the baby, not you...

1558
01:36:42,380 --> 01:36:45,975
...and so you are, like
I said, off the hook.

1559
01:36:46,134 --> 01:36:48,637
I'm not off the hook. I'm
sorry. I'm not off the hook.

1560
01:36:48,803 --> 01:36:51,101
Okay. I'm not asking you.
- I'm not off the hook.

1561
01:36:51,264 --> 01:36:54,108
I'm the father, and you're
telling me that I'm off the hook?

1562
01:36:54,267 --> 01:36:57,111
No. This is- - You can't
just decide this on your own.

1563
01:36:57,270 --> 01:36:59,193
Doesn't work that way. I'm sorry.
- I can.

1564
01:36:59,355 --> 01:37:02,359
It does affect me.
- And I just did decide. Thank you.

1565
01:37:02,525 --> 01:37:04,368
Yes. I did decide this.
- It affects me.

1566
01:37:04,527 --> 01:37:06,950
No. It doesn't. It doesn't affect you.

1567
01:37:07,113 --> 01:37:09,081
It does.
- You have nothing to do with it.

1568
01:37:09,240 --> 01:37:11,117
You have the baby, it doesn't affect me?

1569
01:37:11,284 --> 01:37:13,582
You're not giving me
any choice. -Okay, well-

1570
01:37:13,745 --> 01:37:17,591
You did have a choice! You just
said you didn't wanna be a father.

1571
01:37:17,749 --> 01:37:21,970
I didn't say- I said, I don't
know if I wanna be a father again.

1572
01:37:22,128 --> 01:37:25,382
That's fine. I don't want you
to be! I don't need you to be!

1573
01:37:25,548 --> 01:37:29,303
If this hadn't happened, I'd run into you
in five years. You'd be with a little kid.

1574
01:37:29,469 --> 01:37:31,972
You gonna tell me, “By
the way, this is your child"?

1575
01:37:32,138 --> 01:37:34,766
You didn't want anything to do with it!
- Pregnant with my child...

1576
01:37:34,932 --> 01:37:37,105
...and you wouldn't tell me.
- So fucking what?!

1577
01:37:37,268 --> 01:37:40,229
There you go!
- So fucking what?!

1578
01:37:40,396 --> 01:37:42,945
"Fuck you. I'll have the child."
- You should get that.

1579
01:37:43,649 --> 01:37:46,277
This is-
Unbelievable.

1580
01:37:46,444 --> 01:37:48,412
Ah, fuck. Fuck this.

1581
01:37:48,571 --> 01:37:50,744
This is fucking crazy.

1582
01:37:51,824 --> 01:37:54,794
Miller, I'm busy. I don't wanna
talk business when I'm here.

1583
01:37:54,952 --> 01:37:56,829
No. I don't wanna talk to you right now.

1584
01:37:56,996 --> 01:37:59,590
Miller, what is it? What
do you wanna-? -Goddamn it.

1585
01:37:59,957 --> 01:38:02,176
I don't have time to talk
right now. What is it?

1586
01:38:02,335 --> 01:38:06,256
<i>You're viral again. -What?
- Yeah. Something about, uh, "poopie"?</i>

1587
01:38:07,340 --> 01:38:09,968
And a bunch of retirees?

1588
01:38:10,468 --> 01:38:11,515
<i>♪ Holy shit ♪</i>

1589
01:38:11,677 --> 01:38:14,897
<i>♪ I'm makin' I'm makin' poopie S'</i>

1590
01:38:15,056 --> 01:38:17,400
<i>♪ Pm makin' I'm makin' shit a'</i>

1591
01:38:17,558 --> 01:38:21,313
<i>♪ I'm makin' I'm makin' poopie S'</i>

1592
01:38:21,479 --> 01:38:25,029
Over three million views in eight
hours, and it is still climbing.

1593
01:38:25,191 --> 01:38:27,910
<i>You are on Kimmel. You're on Fallon.</i>

1594
01:38:28,069 --> 01:38:30,242
So I got a call from
Carol Bock from RAW TV.

1595
01:38:30,405 --> 01:38:32,248
Carol Bock. What the fuck does she want?

1596
01:38:32,407 --> 01:38:34,876
She needs a host for
a reality-show pilot.

1597
01:38:35,034 --> 01:38:37,128
It shoots on Monday in New York.

1598
01:38:37,286 --> 01:38:39,209
Monday-
So soon?

1599
01:38:39,372 --> 01:38:41,966
They had D'Angelo signed. He had
to drop out at the last minute.

1600
01:38:42,125 --> 01:38:45,970
Of course. He's got a better manager.
No, he got pancreatic cancer.

1601
01:38:47,630 --> 01:38:51,430
Timing is everything. Heh.
Cancer. Who'd he steal that from?

1602
01:38:51,592 --> 01:38:54,929
<i>Okay. I'm coming. -
All right. Don't leave me hanging.</i>

1603
01:38:55,096 --> 01:38:57,519
Yeah. I said, I'm coming! Yeah.

1604
01:39:00,726 --> 01:39:02,694
♪ I'm making poopie N'

1605
01:39:02,854 --> 01:39:06,324
<i>♪ It's good to be alive S'</i>

1606
01:39:06,482 --> 01:39:09,735
<i>Yeah. ♪ Makin' shit I'm makin' a'</i>

1607
01:39:09,902 --> 01:39:13,365
<i>♪ I'm makin' N' BOTH: Poopie!
- I'm makin' shit!</i>

1608
01:39:15,783 --> 01:39:18,999
Well, well. -Hey,
Mac. -What have we here?

1609
01:39:19,162 --> 01:39:21,711
The comedian slithering out?

1610
01:39:21,873 --> 01:39:25,589
Look, I got a gig in New York. It's
important. Let me tell you something.

1611
01:39:25,751 --> 01:39:27,674
Back in the day, when
I was making book...

1612
01:39:27,837 --> 01:39:31,683
...I knew who was gonna lose and
who was gonna win. I had an instinct.

1613
01:39:31,841 --> 01:39:34,685
The losers, I'd deposit their
money before the race ran.

1614
01:39:34,844 --> 01:39:36,266
Yeah?
- Yeah.

1615
01:39:36,429 --> 01:39:38,852
You, my friend, are money in the bank.

1616
01:39:39,015 --> 01:39:41,313
Okay. So now you're saying I'm a loser?

1617
01:39:41,476 --> 01:39:44,778
Get the fuck out of here.
Hey, you know...

1618
01:39:44,937 --> 01:39:48,862
...I hear you're gonna
be a grandpa. WQW!

1619
01:39:49,066 --> 01:39:51,740
Congratulations. That's exciting.

1620
01:39:51,903 --> 01:39:54,372
Just don't be surprised if the
kid comes out of the womb...

1621
01:39:54,530 --> 01:39:57,704
...with a mic, doing dick
jokes. You know what I mean?

1622
01:39:59,160 --> 01:40:00,833
See you at the bris.
- Look around.

1623
01:40:00,995 --> 01:40:04,124
There's people everywhere.
- “Arlene." Why don't you work on that?

1624
01:40:04,290 --> 01:40:06,713
Because it really sucked
the way you did it.

1625
01:40:06,876 --> 01:40:09,345
"Arlene." That's how you do it, schmuck.

1626
01:40:09,837 --> 01:40:11,839
Get it right next time. Work on it.

1627
01:40:12,006 --> 01:40:15,893
"Arlene. Arlene. Arlene."

1628
01:40:16,052 --> 01:40:19,022
<i>ANNOUNCER". From New
York City, RAW TV...</i>

1629
01:40:19,180 --> 01:40:21,399
<i>...the game-changer in
innovative television...</i>

1630
01:40:21,557 --> 01:40:26,154
...brings you Say Uncle, a
new experiment in jeopardy...

1631
01:40:26,312 --> 01:40:30,317
...starring the king of
shock comedians, Jackie Burke.

1632
01:40:30,483 --> 01:40:34,204
Hello, everybody. Welcome to Say Uncle.

1633
01:40:34,362 --> 01:40:36,285
I'm your host, Jackie Burke.

1634
01:40:36,447 --> 01:40:39,951
Each week on Say Uncle, we find
out if you have what it takes...

1635
01:40:40,117 --> 01:40:45,339
...to take the pain and win cash
and prizes, or will you say uncle...

1636
01:40:45,498 --> 01:40:49,253
...and go home empty-handed,
disappointing your family...

1637
01:40:49,418 --> 01:40:51,011
...and crushing your dreams?

1638
01:40:51,170 --> 01:40:55,050
Our first contestant is Mark Chapel
from Brookline, Massachusetts.

1639
01:40:56,217 --> 01:40:59,429
How you doing today, Mark? Hi. Great.

1640
01:41:01,055 --> 01:41:05,185
This week, we take you to bayou
country where it's man against nature.

1641
01:41:05,351 --> 01:41:08,776
Or in this case, Mark against
hundreds of pissed-off cravvfish.

1642
01:41:08,980 --> 01:41:12,776
Ooh. Look what
we have for you, Mark.

1643
01:41:13,234 --> 01:41:15,783
A couple of nice ones.

1644
01:41:15,945 --> 01:41:19,532
Here we go. Oh, yeah.
No, no, no. Got you.

1645
01:41:19,699 --> 01:41:23,124
These pincers can inflict
a lot of pain and damage.

1646
01:41:23,828 --> 01:41:26,960
You sure you're up to this,
Mark? Bring it on, Uncle Jackie.

1647
01:41:27,123 --> 01:41:31,128
Right now, our two bayou babes,
each married to close relatives...

1648
01:41:31,294 --> 01:41:33,763
...are helping Mark
into a swamp pirogue.

1649
01:41:33,921 --> 01:41:37,099
That was my idea. -The
crawfish. -The crawfish...

1650
01:41:37,258 --> 01:41:39,135
...and the bayou babes. That was me.

1651
01:41:39,302 --> 01:41:42,397
Don't forget, if you last two
minutes with these hungry crawfish...

1652
01:41:42,555 --> 01:41:45,183
...you'll win this new hybrid car...

1653
01:41:46,225 --> 01:41:51,072
...a Caribbean vacation for
you and your entire family...

1654
01:41:51,689 --> 01:41:55,319
...and $10.000 in cash!

1655
01:41:56,527 --> 01:41:58,029
We got it.
- Okay.

1656
01:41:58,195 --> 01:42:00,823
Are you sure you're ready
for the bayou challenge, Mark?

1657
01:42:01,574 --> 01:42:05,082
Yes, Uncle Jackie. Okay.
Let's start the clock.

1658
01:42:05,244 --> 01:42:09,048
Crawfish, it's dinnertime.

1659
01:42:14,253 --> 01:42:17,678
That doesn't look so bad to
me. I've stayed in worse motels.

1660
01:42:17,840 --> 01:42:23,847
Though I have to say, these
bedbugs are on the large size.

1661
01:42:24,013 --> 01:42:25,606
Even by New York standards.

1662
01:42:25,765 --> 01:42:29,360
Bayou babes, bring in reinforcements.

1663
01:42:31,646 --> 01:42:34,650
Wow! I thought
having crabs was bad.

1664
01:42:35,524 --> 01:42:38,949
I'm not as much of a man as you
are, Mark. I've gotta hand it to you.

1665
01:42:39,111 --> 01:42:42,707
You got a lot of chutzpah and a lot
of balls. Oh! I think one bit me.

1666
01:42:42,865 --> 01:42:44,367
Ouch!

1667
01:42:44,909 --> 01:42:48,209
Oh, first bite. Let's hope those
other mudbugs don't catch on.

1668
01:42:48,371 --> 01:42:50,749
Ahh! -Twenty-four
seconds, Mark.

1669
01:42:50,915 --> 01:42:53,088
Hang in there. Hang
in there. -Ow! Ow-ow!

1670
01:42:53,250 --> 01:42:55,503
Think of the cash, the
money, the vacation.

1671
01:42:58,547 --> 01:43:01,050
You're gonna make
it. You're gonna make it.

1672
01:43:01,217 --> 01:43:02,719
He's never gonna make it.

1673
01:43:02,885 --> 01:43:06,515
You're almost there, Mark. Keep
it going. Think of the money.

1674
01:43:06,681 --> 01:43:09,355
Uncle! Uncle!
- Oh!

1675
01:43:09,558 --> 01:43:12,778
Uncle!

1676
01:43:12,937 --> 01:43:16,236
Mark! MAN: Losefl

1677
01:43:16,440 --> 01:43:19,326
Ha!

1678
01:43:19,777 --> 01:43:21,245
Aw...

1679
01:43:22,321 --> 01:43:25,457
Oh. You're a disappointment, Mark.

1680
01:43:25,616 --> 01:43:27,835
You okay? You all right?

1681
01:43:27,993 --> 01:43:31,580
It's all right. It's
okay. It's okay. Okay.

1682
01:43:33,249 --> 01:43:36,219
I'm sorry. I tried. I really did.

1683
01:43:36,377 --> 01:43:40,507
Oh... Honey, it's okay. I know.

1684
01:43:40,673 --> 01:43:44,643
I'm sorry.
- We love you. The kids love you. MAN: You suck, Mark!

1685
01:43:45,636 --> 01:43:47,730
<i>Say
Uncle will be right back.</i>

1686
01:43:47,888 --> 01:43:51,017
But for me, I'd rather have
Stevie Wonder shave my balls...

1687
01:43:51,183 --> 01:43:54,562
...with a fucking butcher knife than
be part of this fucking reality show.

1688
01:43:54,729 --> 01:43:59,781
This is Jackie Burke saying "uncle, “
and RAW TV, you can go fuck yourself.

1689
01:43:59,942 --> 01:44:03,495
Ha-ha! PEOPLE: Ooh. Jackie.

1690
01:44:03,654 --> 01:44:06,703
I'm keeping the Safari jacket, in
case I ever get booked in Africa.

1691
01:44:06,866 --> 01:44:10,332
Jackie.

1692
01:44:10,494 --> 01:44:12,167
Sorry.

1693
01:44:28,053 --> 01:44:32,479
You know, my kid, he's over 6
feet tall. I hardly ever hear from him.

1694
01:44:32,641 --> 01:44:35,986
But all of the stages are beautiful.
- Yeah.

1695
01:44:36,145 --> 01:44:38,568
Oh, that lucky kid.

1696
01:44:38,731 --> 01:44:39,778
Hey.

1697
01:44:40,649 --> 01:44:42,947
Where's the Florida sunshine?

1698
01:44:50,701 --> 01:44:51,748
Hey.

1699
01:44:52,745 --> 01:44:54,839
Wow. Look at you.

1700
01:44:57,374 --> 01:45:00,423
<i>Oh, ho, ho.</i>

1701
01:45:00,586 --> 01:45:03,801
This is a surprise. Yeah.

1702
01:45:04,215 --> 01:45:07,593
You look beautiful. Really great.

1703
01:45:13,724 --> 01:45:17,069
Look, I just wanted to talk to you.

1704
01:45:19,271 --> 01:45:21,194
See how you are.

1705
01:45:23,192 --> 01:45:25,411
It felt strange after
the way we left things.

1706
01:45:26,237 --> 01:45:28,740
I was gonna call
you, but it was-

1707
01:45:28,906 --> 01:45:30,533
It didn't feel good to do that.

1708
01:45:30,699 --> 01:45:34,545
So I just decided to come
here, and I wanna give you this.

1709
01:45:34,703 --> 01:45:39,425
It's a bunch of mementos,
family photographs, my family.

1710
01:45:40,501 --> 01:45:42,128
In case...

1711
01:45:42,711 --> 01:45:46,341
...he or she would want
to know things about...

1712
01:45:48,634 --> 01:45:49,977
...me.

1713
01:45:50,135 --> 01:45:52,809
Of course. Ha-ha.

1714
01:45:52,972 --> 01:45:55,600
But just so you have it.
In case. You never know.

1715
01:45:55,766 --> 01:45:59,653
And you do whatever you want.
If you want me to be involved...

1716
01:45:59,812 --> 01:46:02,156
...in his or her life, fine.

1717
01:46:02,314 --> 01:46:05,409
If you don't, I won't like
that, but I'll have to accept it.

1718
01:46:06,235 --> 01:46:07,407
Okay.

1719
01:46:07,570 --> 01:46:11,074
But I'm there. I want you to know,
I'm there for you, for the kid.

1720
01:46:11,240 --> 01:46:14,244
That's the most important
thing I want you to know.

1721
01:46:16,203 --> 01:46:19,332
I care about you a lot. You know that.

1722
01:46:20,749 --> 01:46:22,376
Okay.

1723
01:46:27,673 --> 01:46:31,010
Take care of yourself. Let's
hope the kid looks like me.

1724
01:46:31,176 --> 01:46:32,644
Ha.

1725
01:47:42,039 --> 01:47:46,002
Hey, Jackie. Jackie.
- Yeah. ESTEE: Sit.

1726
01:47:46,460 --> 01:47:48,758
Sit. Join us.

1727
01:47:48,921 --> 01:47:52,516
Do you wanna go on tonight? Any
spot you want, just let me know.

1728
01:47:52,675 --> 01:47:55,679
Estee, why are you being so nice
to me? There's something wrong.

1729
01:47:55,844 --> 01:47:58,518
<i>Your video got more hits than 2
girls, 1 cup. It's fucking viral.</i>

1730
01:47:58,681 --> 01:48:00,399
Sit down.
- Which video? What video?

1731
01:48:00,557 --> 01:48:02,776
<i>That Say Uncle
thing. Three in a row.</i>

1732
01:48:02,935 --> 01:48:04,937
You're more viral than Charlie Sheen.

1733
01:48:05,104 --> 01:48:08,984
"This is Jackie Burke saying
'uncle, ' and RAW TV go fuck yourself."

1734
01:48:09,149 --> 01:48:11,447
Fuck yourself. JIM:
Everyone saw it, man.

1735
01:48:11,610 --> 01:48:13,658
Six million views and counting.

1736
01:48:13,821 --> 01:48:16,119
Six million? But how
did they get it out?

1737
01:48:16,281 --> 01:48:18,329
It was two months ago.

1738
01:48:19,076 --> 01:48:22,796
You got it out? You
finally did something good.

1739
01:48:23,330 --> 01:48:25,207
To Jackie. JIM:
Congratulations, Jackie.

1740
01:48:25,374 --> 01:48:27,923
You're back, you mean motherfucker. NICK: Fist
- bump it.

1741
01:48:28,085 --> 01:48:31,806
Where's your drink? This is so
weird. JIM: Hey, where's my viral video?

1742
01:48:31,964 --> 01:48:35,471
Punch me in the face? -Miller
the Killer. You- Miller the Killer.

1743
01:48:35,676 --> 01:48:40,981
Holy shit!

1744
01:48:41,140 --> 01:48:45,019
All right. Try to talk about regular
stuff, like music and politics.

1745
01:48:45,185 --> 01:48:46,812
If you got a handlebar mustache...

1746
01:48:46,979 --> 01:48:50,904
...all I wanna hear you talk about
is Slinkys and kazoos, and that's it.

1747
01:48:51,066 --> 01:48:52,989
You talk about kazoos
for a few minutes...

1748
01:48:53,152 --> 01:48:55,575
...then you gonna hop
on a unicycle and juggle.

1749
01:48:55,738 --> 01:48:59,162
You carnival-faced motherfucker.

1750
01:48:59,324 --> 01:49:02,749
Are you guys ready for your
next comedian? Make some noise.

1751
01:49:02,953 --> 01:49:04,330
<i>Whoa'.!</i>

1752
01:49:04,496 --> 01:49:07,875
You guys are a beautiful crowd. We
have a surprise guest for tonight.

1753
01:49:08,042 --> 01:49:12,047
You might have seen him on RAW TV,
snapping and telling them to fuck off.

1754
01:49:12,212 --> 01:49:15,466
Please welcome to the stage the
great Jackie Burke, everybody.

1755
01:49:15,632 --> 01:49:17,430
Jackie Burke.

1756
01:49:27,478 --> 01:49:31,073
Yeah, give it up for Hannibal Buress.

1757
01:49:31,774 --> 01:49:34,493
<i>Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.</i>

1758
01:49:36,278 --> 01:49:39,703
Thank you. Thank you very much,
folks. Thank you. This is really nice.

1759
01:49:39,865 --> 01:49:42,038
Last time I heard "Jackie"
chanted like that...

1760
01:49:42,201 --> 01:49:44,750
...I was bent over in the shower
at Nassau County Correctional.

1761
01:49:48,457 --> 01:49:51,802
Okay, Jackie. You're finally
working at the Comedy Cellar again.

1762
01:49:51,960 --> 01:49:55,510
Don't fuck this up.
Don't curse too much.

1763
01:49:55,672 --> 01:49:57,595
Don't pull your dick out.

1764
01:49:58,008 --> 01:50:01,854
Don't attack anyone physically
unless they really, really deserve it.

1765
01:50:03,722 --> 01:50:07,147
Well, looks like all
my ex-wives were wrong.

1766
01:50:07,309 --> 01:50:08,526
The bitches.

1767
01:50:08,685 --> 01:50:11,529
Sometimes, it really does
pay to be a total asshole.

1768
01:50:12,481 --> 01:50:15,451
And if I had known psychotic
breakdowns were so entertaining...

1769
01:50:15,609 --> 01:50:18,579
...I'd have just been
myself all these years.

1770
01:50:18,737 --> 01:50:22,662
Oh, you know what? I
forgot. I'm gonna be a dad.

1771
01:50:22,825 --> 01:50:24,168
Yeah.

1772
01:50:24,993 --> 01:50:28,623
You don't have to applaud.
I know I'm fucking old.

1773
01:50:28,789 --> 01:50:31,633
I mean, halfway through
pulling out, I fell asleep.

1774
01:50:32,334 --> 01:50:35,463
Before my sperm leaves my balls,
it has to stop and ask directions.

1775
01:50:37,714 --> 01:50:41,639
Boy, you guys are great. It's nice to
be in front of a young crowd like this.

1776
01:50:41,802 --> 01:50:43,600
Younger than dead.

1777
01:50:44,054 --> 01:50:46,307
I should hire you to
come to all my gigs.

1778
01:50:47,474 --> 01:50:51,274
How much do you pay?
- I don't know- You? l...

1779
01:50:54,022 --> 01:50:56,650
Well, I don't know. I'd
give you 10 for a hand-job...

1780
01:50:56,817 --> 01:50:59,240
...and an extra 100 if you
promise not to wreck it by talking.

1781
01:51:04,366 --> 01:51:06,539
<i>Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.</i>

1782
01:51:34,730 --> 01:51:41,284
♪ Oh, say does that
star-spangled banner Yet wave ♪

1783
01:51:41,653 --> 01:51:45,908
♪ O'er the land of the free ♪

1784
01:51:46,074 --> 01:51:50,796
IAnd the home of the... N'

1785
01:51:50,996 --> 01:51:54,337
You made it. -The plane
was delayed. -It's okay.

1786
01:51:54,499 --> 01:51:57,378
Okay, everyone. Have a seat, have
a seat, and take a bow, Amaya.

1787
01:51:57,544 --> 01:52:00,047
Okay. Okay. Thank you.

1788
01:52:00,589 --> 01:52:04,100
Great. Oh, isn't she cute? -Hi,
Gary. -Hey, Jackie. -We're next.

1789
01:52:04,259 --> 01:52:10,107
Our next very, very talented youngster
we have is, Miss Ralli Berkowitz.

1790
01:52:10,265 --> 01:52:13,899
Come on out, Ralli.

1791
01:52:16,772 --> 01:52:18,524
Oh, no. Here we go.

1792
01:52:19,608 --> 01:52:22,782
So, what's the deal with
chores and allowances?

1793
01:52:22,945 --> 01:52:25,039
I turn 8, and my mom says:

1794
01:52:25,197 --> 01:52:28,451
<i>"I'll give you $10 a
week to make your room...</i>

1795
01:52:28,617 --> 01:52:32,212
...wash the dishes and
clean the cat's litter box."

1796
01:52:32,371 --> 01:52:36,126
Ten dollars? That's slave labor.

1797
01:52:39,211 --> 01:52:41,964
I go to our neighbor's house, and I say:

1798
01:52:42,130 --> 01:52:44,758
"What will you give me
if I make your room...

1799
01:52:44,925 --> 01:52:48,475
...wash your dishes and
clean your cat's litter box?"

1800
01:52:48,637 --> 01:52:51,231
Neighbor says, "I don't have a cat."

1801
01:52:51,390 --> 01:52:53,984
So I piss in her hallway and say:

1802
01:52:54,142 --> 01:52:57,737
"You go to 15 a week, and
I'll supply the pussy."

1803
01:52:57,938 --> 01:53:01,199
Oh, my God.

1804
01:53:02,192 --> 01:53:04,445
Oh, my gosh.

1805
01:53:04,611 --> 01:53:06,613
This fucking thing on?

1806
01:53:06,822 --> 01:53:10,750
Thanks so much, Ralli. Okay.

1807
01:53:10,909 --> 01:53:13,958
Very good. Thank you. Okay,
sweetheart. Good. All right.

1808
01:53:14,121 --> 01:53:17,879
Okay. Right. Thanks so much, Ralli.

1809
01:53:18,041 --> 01:53:19,463
Right. Thanks, honey.

1810
01:53:19,626 --> 01:53:22,049
All right. Wonderful.

1811
01:53:22,212 --> 01:53:25,261
And we have... Did you teach her that?

1812
01:53:26,008 --> 01:53:28,932
I would never teach
her anything like that.

1813
01:53:33,890 --> 01:53:37,690
<i>♪ Look into my eyes Can't
you see they're open wide? a'</i>

1814
01:53:37,853 --> 01:53:41,858
<i>♪ Would I lie to you,
baby, Would I lie to you ♪</i>

1815
01:53:42,024 --> 01:53:43,241
<i>♪ Oh, yeah I</i>

1816
01:53:43,400 --> 01:53:46,870
<i>♪ Don't you know it's true Girl,
there's no one else but you a'</i>

1817
01:53:47,029 --> 01:53:50,954
<i>♪ Would I lie to you, baby, yeah I'</i>

1818
01:53:53,076 --> 01:53:56,205
<i>♪ Everybody wants to know the truth S'</i>

1819
01:53:57,456 --> 01:54:00,676
<i>♪ In my arms is the only proof a'</i>

1820
01:54:01,710 --> 01:54:05,431
<i>♪ I gave my heart
Behind the bedroom door r</i>

1821
01:54:06,715 --> 01:54:10,345
<i>♪ Now it's open I can't do no more S'</i>

1822
01:54:10,886 --> 01:54:16,063
<i>♪ I'm telling you baby You
will never find another girl I'</i>

1823
01:54:16,224 --> 01:54:19,979
<i>♪ In this heart of mine Oh I</i>

1824
01:54:20,145 --> 01:54:24,070
<i>♪ Look into my eyes Can't
you see they're open wide? a'</i>

1825
01:54:24,232 --> 01:54:28,738
<i>♪ Would I lie to you,
baby Would I lie to you ♪</i>

1826
01:54:29,154 --> 01:54:32,916
<i>♪ Whoo S' ♪ Would I lie to you? S'</i>

1827
01:54:33,075 --> 01:54:35,453
<i>♪ Will you want to
see me Night and day a'</i>

1828
01:54:35,702 --> 01:54:39,297
<i>♪ Would I lie to you Do you
think I give my love away a'</i>

1829
01:54:40,248 --> 01:54:44,674
<i>♪ Would I He That's not
the kind of game I play N'</i>

1830
01:59:52,227 --> 01:59:54,229
Translated by: Will Motomura

1831
01:59:57,229 --> 02:00:01,229
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