1 00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,421 [ Janine clears throat ] 2 00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:07,132 Hey, what are you doing here on Christmas break? 3 00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:09,676 Uh, funny, I could ask you the same thing. 4 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,261 Ah, you're out of toilet paper. 5 00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:13,805 Yeah, I'm out of toilet paper. 6 00:00:13,805 --> 00:00:17,392 What are you doing here? 7 00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:20,312 I-I just came to get the milk before it expired, 8 00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,439 so if anything, I'm helping. 9 00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:24,858 Gerald loves his milk. 10 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,486 Thank you. 11 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:30,072 Oh. Wh-Wha-- 12 00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:33,951 What? Did you actually think 13 00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:36,745 I was gonna buy another tree? [ Chuckles ] 14 00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:39,164 Um, okay. Well, since we're all gathered here, 15 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,083 I'd love to take this opportunity 16 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,834 to formally invite you to my house for Christmas Eve. 17 00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:45,254 There'll be cookies and toilet paper, so... 18 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,464 Yeah, sorry, kiddo. Can't do it. 19 00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:49,591 Barb and I already have dinner plans. 20 00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:51,176 Yeah, and I've already been to one of your parties. 21 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,512 I think once is enough, right? 22 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:55,222 Okay, well, I guess that means it'll just be me and Gregory. 23 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,682 As it should be. 24 00:00:56,682 --> 00:00:58,141 Good morning, everyone. 25 00:00:58,141 --> 00:00:59,810 And what are you here to steal? 26 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:04,356 - These. - Oh, yeah. 27 00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:06,024 I forgot that we had no school today. 28 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,859 I saw Melissa leave, and I thought I was late. 29 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:10,195 I mean, she leaves her place without me all the time. 30 00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:12,906 There she goes. Melissa! Melissa, wait for me! 31 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,534 [ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ] 32 00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:23,333 ♪ 33 00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:28,588 Okay. Ugh, no! 34 00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,132 Jacob, I said julienne the carrots. 35 00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,509 Yeah, dude, like this. 36 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:34,386 No, not like that. They were julienned-- 37 00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:37,014 Ugh. 38 00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,473 You guys, this dinner has to be perfect. 39 00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:39,766 No, right, I get it. 40 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,143 It-- It's special because it's your family. 41 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,145 Nah, I don't care about them. 42 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:45,147 They took me out of rotation for hosting Christmas Eve dinner 43 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,773 'cause I'm not married anymore, 44 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,525 so I gotta prove to 'em I don't need a husband. 45 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:51,570 Baby girl, you don't need to prove anything to anybody. 46 00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:52,988 No, dummy, I do. 47 00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,781 My family's gonna show up here, 48 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,575 and they're gonna look for any reason 49 00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,535 to pick apart my food and say it's skivose. 50 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,120 [ Doorbell rings ] 51 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:05,334 Oh. Jeez, are we early? 52 00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:06,626 Why aren't you dressed yet? 53 00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:08,503 It's nice to see you, too, sis. 54 00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,005 Dom. 55 00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:14,259 Whoa. Okay. 56 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,886 Oh, wow. Yeah. 57 00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:17,554 So-- So these are overcooked. 58 00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,598 Right, but the last batch was undercooked. 59 00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,016 I'm still experimenting with the timing. 60 00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:23,226 It's good to have options. 61 00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:24,644 You know what? I don't even like cookies, 62 00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,104 so this is great. 63 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,065 Okay. Look, so, I know your vote 64 00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,359 was to watch "Muppets Christmas Carol" first. 65 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:32,361 Mm-hmm. And my vote was to watch "Elf" first. 66 00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,696 I was thinking the perfect middle ground might be 67 00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:37,282 Tim Allen's "The Santa Clause." Tim Allen's "The Santa Clause." 68 00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,618 Okay. 69 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:43,038 Janine: I only made cookies in case anyone shows up. 70 00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:46,249 I'm actually very excited it's just me and Gregory. 71 00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:49,169 First Christmas Eve together is a big one, you know? 72 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:52,547 It's right up there with first kiss or first fight 73 00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:55,258 or first time farting in front of each other. 74 00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:58,220 Gregory's not there yet on that one. 75 00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,473 So, I know we said we were gonna do our gift exchange later, 76 00:03:01,473 --> 00:03:03,892 but I have one little surprise that can't wait. 77 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,352 It's not an Orioles jersey, is it? 78 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,729 Even better. 79 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,315 [ Chuckles ] 80 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,900 Yeah, I'm not wearing this. 81 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,154 Okay. 82 00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:18,240 Honey, you trying something different with your makeup? 83 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,617 You're so brave. Thanks, Mom. 84 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,911 I love visiting you, Mel. Something about being around you 85 00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:24,746 really makes me feel better about myself. 86 00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:27,249 And that's why I love having you, Anthony. 87 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,501 Marie, d-did this place get smaller? 88 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:32,087 I'm Melissa. And no, my place did not magically shrink. 89 00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,131 Ah, I guess you just got bigger then. 90 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:36,258 [ Wheezing laugh ] Teresa: Archie. 91 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:38,051 What would she need a bigger place for? 92 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,971 She lives with a roommate, unmarried and alone. 93 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,806 You're so insensitive. Me? 94 00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:43,849 Yes. What? 95 00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:44,975 [ Doorbell rings ] 96 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,643 Melissa: Oh, thank God. Hi. 97 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,563 Merry Christmas, Melissa. Merry Christmas. 98 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,690 Ah, thanks for having us. So glad you're here. 99 00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:53,984 Well, look, mm, if it isn't my favorite chef. 100 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,527 Well, excuse you. 101 00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:56,653 Oh, baby, you're my favorite person. 102 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,405 Okay, I forgive you. 103 00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:02,409 Uh, nobody told me this is one of those progressive dinners. 104 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,661 Do you want to get strangled? 105 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:07,164 Okay, no, I-I've been preparing for this moment for years. 106 00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:08,540 Okay, okay, what do I do? 107 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:10,667 No, you know what? I'm just gonna take a nap 108 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,419 here on your god-awful couch. 109 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,671 Okay, good idea, but, Uncle Archie, take it upstairs. 110 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:15,881 What? Move it upstairs, 111 00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:18,592 away from people. Ah... 112 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,177 I'm so sorry. 113 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,845 Oh, honey, that's alright. 114 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:24,723 We have grace for people who are about to meet their maker. 115 00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,850 Or the other guy. 116 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:29,728 So that was Uncle Racist, I mean Archie. 117 00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,730 Uh, that's Kristin Marie, Dom, Marie, 118 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:34,024 Mark, Mary, Matthew, Maria Christina, 119 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,610 Craig, Girl Toni-- Boy Tony's still in prison, 120 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,695 but there's a card for him if you want to sign it-- 121 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,322 uh, Larry, Anthony, Seamus, 122 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:41,740 there's about 30 kids in the basement, 123 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:44,284 and how could we forget the wonderful matriarch, 124 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,620 Mrs. Teresa Schemmenti. My mom. 125 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,455 Oh. You forgot Nancy. 126 00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,916 Uh, no, there's-- There's nobody here named Nancy. 127 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,792 I was talking about you and your boyfriend. 128 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,211 Melissa: Come on. Okay, normally 129 00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:56,421 I respect my elders, but this guy is this close. 130 00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,715 Okay. Go. Go, you jabroni. Teresa: Get upstairs. 131 00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,842 [ Announcer speaking indistinctly on TV ] 132 00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:04,221 Do we have to watch basketball? 133 00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,806 If I'm wearing this, we're watching that. 134 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,641 Oh, you look so cute! 135 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,100 [ Knock on door ] 136 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,936 Wonder who that could be. [ Clears throat ] 137 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,854 Maybe Santa came early. 138 00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,107 Ah, kind of right. Hi, Mr. Johnson. 139 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,651 Are you here for our little get-together? 140 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,612 Of course not. I know an empty offer when I hear one. 141 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,197 I'm here to drop off tidings of comfort 142 00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,449 for you and your big-ass feet. 143 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,952 And tidings of joy for you. 144 00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:29,913 "How to Have a Personality." How thoughtful. 145 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:32,999 Merry Christmas, people. I'm off to the North Pole. 146 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:33,959 Ugh. Yeah, have fun. 147 00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:35,919 Ah, Ava! It's Ava. 148 00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:39,214 Oh, hey! Ava here with us on Christmas Eve. 149 00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:41,383 Merry. Yes! What are you doing here? 150 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:42,634 I thought you said you couldn't make it. 151 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,094 I'm unpredictable. 152 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,179 That's what people love about me. 153 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,639 And it's a good thing I did come, 154 00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,641 'cause it's bleak as hell in here. 155 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,852 Oh, going with a Charlie Brown theme this year? 156 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,478 Well, I think his tree had more branches, 157 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,146 but least you got your own Franklin. 158 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:56,815 [ Laughs ] 159 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,567 Oh, Janine, where you get these decorations, 160 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,652 the dollar store? [ Laughs ] 161 00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,654 So, actually, there's this new board game called Imprisonment. 162 00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:04,781 And on a micro level, it's about escaping prison. 163 00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,658 But on a macro level-- Why don't you go grab it 164 00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:08,660 and show me, and I'll be right here? 165 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:09,953 Oh. Yeah. 166 00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,874 What happened with you and the firefighter? 167 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,711 He was a firefighter. He fights fires. 168 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,588 Yeah, but, Mom, we're just dating, you know? 169 00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:21,256 He's not Christmas level yet. 170 00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:23,967 Oh, you want to be lonely on Christmas. 171 00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,261 Makes for great sad songs. 172 00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:28,722 Oh, God. I love sad Christmas songs. 173 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,723 You know, someone's got to inspire them. 174 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,641 Why not Mel? 175 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,435 Oh, yeah? I'm sad? 176 00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:34,936 You're drunk, and it's not even dinner. 177 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:37,814 Okay, I'm not drunk. I have Bell's palsy. 178 00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,691 Okay, well, how you explain the other side of your face, then? 179 00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:41,693 Oh! Come on. Oh. Oh. 180 00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:50,118 Sorry. 181 00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:02,964 No, no, no, no, no. 182 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,966 Breathe, you bigot, breathe. 183 00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,676 Oh. 184 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,428 Hello. Uh, 185 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,722 non-responsive old person. Over. 186 00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:13,058 How does this even work? 187 00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,726 Oh, bro, word of warning, 188 00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,270 don't say anything even lukewarm about "Rocky" to these people. 189 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,773 Caleb, I think Melissa's uncle is dead. 190 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,150 You know CPR, don't you? What? No. 191 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,818 What do you mean? You're-- You're a personal trainer. 192 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,363 You don't know CPR? I'm a TikTok trainer. 193 00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:28,198 You're a teacher. Don't you know CPR? 194 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,283 I was very distracted during my CPR class, okay? 195 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,951 And I'm terrible in a crisis. 196 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,453 Okay. 197 00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,207 Bro, he's super dead. 198 00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:41,586 Melissa, can I talk to you real quick? 199 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,129 Yeah. 200 00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:44,422 I'm making pesto. What do you need? 201 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,216 Oh, um-- 202 00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:49,469 Your, um-- 203 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,013 What? Spit it out. Open your mouth. 204 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,932 What do you think? 205 00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:56,226 Fire. Your uncle is dead. 206 00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:58,728 [ Chuckles ] What are you trying to tell me, Jacob? 207 00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,689 He's sleeping with a fish? 208 00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:02,190 Nah, he's-- he's stunad. 209 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,817 He sleeps heavy. He's got that apnea. 210 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,527 Uh, I checked his pulse. 211 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:08,238 That man is definitely un-alived on top of the coats. 212 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,661 No. No way. 213 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:15,787 No way. 214 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:17,414 I will call 911. 215 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:20,375 You go talk to the family. 216 00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,961 Yeah, not so fast, there, buddy. 217 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:26,506 If he's dead, he's not gonna be any deader after dinner. 218 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,633 Melissa! Okay, listen to me, Jacob. 219 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:31,010 I've been working on this dinner for two weeks. 220 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,304 If we tell everybody, it all goes to hell. 221 00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:35,849 Right along with Uncle Archie. 222 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,268 Mmm, flames. Plus, they're gonna blame me. 223 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,228 How? What? You've seen my family. 224 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:41,312 They'll find a way. 225 00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:42,981 Anthony: Melissa, is dinner ready, 226 00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:45,817 or should I have yet another frickin' cracker and cheese? 227 00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,318 Kristin Marie: Last year at Cousin Annette's was beautiful. 228 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,237 She always has dinner out on time! 229 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,239 Okay, so look, in an hour and a half, 230 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:54,159 we'll call 911, and we'll tell them he's dead, okay? 231 00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,995 After dinner. 232 00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,872 Melissa, you need some help? 233 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,582 Barb. What? 234 00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,667 Her uncle is dead upstairs, 235 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,961 and she wants to wait to tell everybody until after dinner. 236 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,421 Please tell her this is insane. 237 00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:07,922 Melissa, are you okay? 238 00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:09,674 Yeah, yeah. Can you get me the "focacch"? 239 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:11,593 Right over there. 240 00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,720 Okay. 241 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,930 Uh, look, she's good, I'm good. It's her dinner. 242 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,349 And, um, a nap is a nice way to go. 243 00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,101 Gerald's very hungry. Okay. 244 00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:22,312 There is a dead guy in my bed. 245 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,564 Jacob, please do not make this all about you. 246 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:25,565 I mean. 247 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,609 Caleb: Ooh. 248 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:31,362 Fuego. Fue-go. 249 00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:33,156 So, Ava, I'm surprised you don't have 250 00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,033 any plans for Christmas Eve. 251 00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:37,577 You know, nothing with friends, family, rappers? 252 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,954 Well, I've already been by the home to see my grandma. 253 00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,831 She took down three candy canes, 254 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,125 unwrapped someone else's present, and then fell asleep. 255 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:46,127 My queen. 256 00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:48,546 I don't have any other family here. Ah. 257 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,548 Gregory: So, I met Ava's dad at the barbershop. 258 00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:53,593 I mind my own business, so I haven't told Janine yet, but 259 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,678 decided it was information I wasn't supposed to have. 260 00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:58,389 I tipped handsomely, and I put it out of my head. 261 00:09:58,389 --> 00:10:00,600 Plus, all my friends have kids now. 262 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,561 Do you know what it's like to be around kids? 263 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,396 Yes, we work at a school. 264 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,898 So you get it. How about we just watch 265 00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,316 a Christmas movie? Yeah. 266 00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,984 Gregory has somehow never seen "The Santa Clause 2," 267 00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,653 so we'll just start with that. 268 00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:14,322 I've had enough Christmas cheer. Let's throw on a horror movie. 269 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:17,367 I'm thinking something in the home invasion subgenre. 270 00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,868 Yeah, you know a little something about that. 271 00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:22,247 [ Chuckles awkwardly ] The only thing I want invading my home 272 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:25,124 is Tim Allen as the jolly, old, fat man, so... 273 00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:26,543 Horror movie it is. 274 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,795 Just close your eyes for one hour and 44 minutes. 275 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,421 That's probably the equivalent of eight hours of sleep 276 00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,173 for somebody of your size, anyway. 277 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,969 Hey, yo, where you going? 278 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,971 I'm grabbing my jacket. I'm gonna smoke a cig. 279 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,430 Yeah, no, you don't have to do that. 280 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,558 Uh, Jacob will get it for you. 281 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,561 Yeah, right. I got a pocket full of Lifesavers up there. 282 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,146 There's no way I'm losing all my pineapple 283 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,148 to your live-in butler's sticky fingers. 284 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,941 Ah, well, joke's on you. I-I stopped eating those 285 00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,568 after I almost choked on one in college 286 00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,653 but was saved by the tiny hole in the center. 287 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,738 Talk about a lifesaver. Yeah, and you don't need your jacket. 288 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,073 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, Kristin Marie, 289 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:59,200 I got these new-- these smoking blankets. 290 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,368 Everybody's doing it now. 291 00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,036 Smoking blankets? Yeah. 292 00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:03,997 Ooh. Classy. Nice. Right? 293 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,916 Okay. Looks good on you. 294 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,084 Okay, that was close. 295 00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:09,836 And I just lost my best throw. 296 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,170 It's gonna smell like a VFW hall, 297 00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,630 but we're almost there. 298 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:15,592 Dinner, and then we're home free, okay? Be cool. 299 00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:17,051 [ People screaming on TV ] 300 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,887 I need to use the bathroom, but I don't want to miss 301 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,555 the dudes in animal masks chopping people up. [ Movie pauses ] 302 00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,140 Right. [ Forced chuckle ] 303 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,188 This is not how I envisioned our first Christmas Eve together. 304 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,691 She's even more Ava than usual. 305 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,067 Yeah. Could you ask her to leave? 306 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,694 She'll take it better coming from you. 307 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,071 Um... 308 00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:38,865 [ Sighs ] 309 00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:40,074 Alright, I'll talk to her. 310 00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:42,452 Thank you. 311 00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,037 Your hand soap is cheap! 312 00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,708 Hey, can I talk to you for a second? 313 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,585 About how dumb you two look in those footie pajamas? 314 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,254 No, we're on the same page there, but, um... 315 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,341 Are you good? Yeah, I'm great. Why? 316 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,926 It's just that earlier you said you didn't have 317 00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,053 any other family in Philly, and... 318 00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,222 I met your dad. 319 00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:06,851 Where? 320 00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:09,103 The barbershop. He was my barber. 321 00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:13,191 Okay. 322 00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,485 I mean, okay, I'm not trying to get into your business, 323 00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:19,155 but I wanted to check in 'cause, you know... 324 00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,990 it's Christmas. 325 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,909 Obviously, it's not a good relationship. 326 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,119 I don't speak to my dad. 327 00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:26,621 Wow, what a cool topic for you to bring up 328 00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,248 on our first Christmas Eve together. 329 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,832 I shoulda known your ass couldn't be festive. 330 00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:33,503 Look, look, I'm sorry to bring it up, I-I really am, I just-- 331 00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,463 I just knew technically it wasn't true, and sometimes-- 332 00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,590 I get it. But besides him, 333 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,967 I really don't have any other family. 334 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,844 So I'm here with my work family or whatever. 335 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:45,014 Oh, man, Ava, I didn't know that you-- 336 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:47,642 Shut up. And don't say anything to Jeanine, 337 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,102 because that elf-size elf would try 338 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,770 to perform some Christmas miracle 339 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,522 and reunite me with that man. 340 00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:53,815 And I don't need pity from her 341 00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:57,068 or you, a man without a regular barber. 342 00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:59,070 My guy was out of town. Yeah, okay. 343 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,825 [ Sighs ] So how'd she take it? I mean, 344 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,284 she probably has somewhere better to be anyway, right? 345 00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:08,788 I mean, well, look, I-I technically 346 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,248 didn't ask her to leave. 347 00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:11,958 What? Why? 348 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,001 It's Christmas, you know? 349 00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:16,796 Yes, and she is ruining ours. 350 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:20,174 I think we should just let her stay. 351 00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:23,553 What are you not telling me? 352 00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,847 I can't tell you. What? 353 00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,890 I told Ava I wouldn't say. 354 00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:31,269 Oh, so you and Ava are keeping secrets now? 355 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:35,857 Janine, why we watching a wack-ass fire? 356 00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,316 And where's the remote? 357 00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,612 I found it. 358 00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:47,702 Delicious. Mmm. [ Indistinct conversations ] 359 00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,288 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Seamus, where you going, man? 360 00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:52,540 "Seamuson's" gotta make more room for Jameson. 361 00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,460 Ha, ha. Okay. How about downstairs bathroom, man? 362 00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,295 You can't use upstairs. Jacob cracked the bowl. 363 00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:59,047 I don't even want to tell you how. 364 00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:00,882 I'm surprised you pulled this off. 365 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:03,176 I guess I didn't need to defrost the frutti di mare 366 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,054 I had at home as a backup dinner for me and Dom. Ah. 367 00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:08,139 You know, if this were just a little less mooshad-- 368 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,058 Yeah, a little mushy. Yeah. 369 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:13,686 This could have almost passed for Nona's rollatini. 370 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,731 [ Indistinct conversations ] 371 00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,945 Well, there you have it, Melissa. 372 00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,822 An undeniable success. So... 373 00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,574 Did you hear what my mother said? 374 00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,659 Jacob, she said it was almost as good as Nona's. 375 00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:30,828 She's never given me a compliment that good. 376 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,498 I don't know no Nona, but I gotta agree. 377 00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,583 Okay, I-I think it might be time to call 911. 378 00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,085 Oh. 379 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,211 Melissa, Gerald would like to know 380 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,921 when will dessert be served. 381 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:43,132 Jacob, listen. This dinner won't be a complete success 382 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,676 until everyone has schkarfed down the last bite of cannoli 383 00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,553 and cried their eyes out 384 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:51,516 over how delicately each shell compliments the ricot. 385 00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:55,645 I just want everyone to be so, so full and happy 386 00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:57,772 that when they're looking in the bathroom mirror 387 00:14:57,772 --> 00:14:59,148 and gulping down Brioschi, 388 00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,109 they're thinking, "You know what? 389 00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:03,277 Melissa really is the best of us. 390 00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:06,364 And I'm just a lowly piece of [bleep]" 391 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:09,200 I have cooked those kind of dinners before. 392 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:10,243 Yeah. I think I've been pretty patient-- 393 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,203 Hush! 394 00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:15,039 Oh, boy. I know what that is. 395 00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:17,250 Schemmenti cannoli? 396 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,626 To die for. 397 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,670 [ Cackles awkwardly ] 398 00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,547 [ Awkward laughter ] 399 00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:24,465 No, not yet. 400 00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,259 Okay, who's ready for-- [ Doorbell ringing ] 401 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,344 Hang on. Hang on, one sec. 402 00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:33,099 Ashpet, ashpet, I'm coming, I'm coming! 403 00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,767 Okay. Hi. 404 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,811 Mr. Johnson-Claus is here with tidings. 405 00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,688 Got you some red hair dye to fix those roots. 406 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:41,607 And tell Jacob he's picking me up at 8:00 a.m. Sunday. 407 00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:44,193 I got him the gift of taking me sledding. 408 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,696 Thanks. Uh, sorry, but I can't stay. 409 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,447 Gotta get to the North Pole. 410 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,241 Vixen and Dancer are waiting for me. 411 00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:53,035 Okay. Merry Christmas. 412 00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,745 - Alright, now... - There we go. 413 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,038 - Alright. Oh. - ...who's ready for dessert? 414 00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:58,124 [ All murmuring excitedly ] 415 00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,917 [ Doorbell rings ] Oh, wait. Don't eat them yet, 416 00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,335 you "schkarfatoons." 417 00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:02,712 Oh, first she tells us to eat it, 418 00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,672 and then she yells at us not to eat it. 419 00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:08,259 She can't make up her mind. What do you want from us? 420 00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,385 Hey, what the hell are you doing here? 421 00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,345 I told you you weren't invited to this. 422 00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,264 I didn't come to your dinner. I respect your wishes. 423 00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:15,683 Paramedics got a DeathAlert ring from this house. 424 00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:17,226 I saw the address on the call. 425 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,728 I just wanted to make sure you were okay. 426 00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:21,189 Anybody fall? Anybody dead? 427 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:23,691 Oh, is this the nice firefighter? 428 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:25,651 See, everyone? I told you, she's got a guy. 429 00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:30,364 Oh. So that explains why this food tastes so great. 430 00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:32,825 No single woman could make a meal like this. 431 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:33,951 - So true. - Am I right? 432 00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:34,994 - That's so true. - I'm right. 433 00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:39,207 Who here has a DeathAlert? What's that? 434 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,208 Oh, so those things do work. 435 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,084 Oh, who died? No one died, Ma. 436 00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,003 Melissa! Jacob, cannolis! 437 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,588 What the hell is a DeathAlert? 438 00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:47,465 Did y'all say dessert? 'Cause I'm ready for it. 439 00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:48,716 Barbara: Gerald! Okay, alright, 440 00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,968 Ma, everybody, I'll come clean. 441 00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:54,347 Uncle Archie's upstairs, and... he's dead. 442 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,474 [ All exclaiming ] Sorry. 443 00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,768 That son of a bitch owed me money. Sorry. 444 00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,561 Melissa's house kills men. 445 00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,146 What-- Ma! 446 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:05,441 [ Drunkenly ] ♪ Danny boy, the pipes ♪ 447 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:09,320 Okay, not to break up... this, but where's the body? 448 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,113 Upstairs. My room. Oh, my God! 449 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,823 You're alive? [ All exclaiming ] 450 00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:15,076 What? I never sleep through a cannoli. 451 00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:16,827 I thought you said you checked his pulse. 452 00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:19,538 I did. I went like this and felt nothing and-- 453 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:22,416 Oh, my God. Jacob, you, too, do not have a pulse. 454 00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:25,169 Ohh. 455 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:28,422 My B, my B. In that case, my racist, homophobic dude, 456 00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,174 you have a fever. 457 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:31,968 See why I didn't invite you now? 458 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:35,179 I totally get it. Okay. 459 00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,514 Either you tell me what's going on, 460 00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:38,140 or I'm asking her to leave. I promise you, 461 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,934 there's a reason I'm not asking her to leave, 462 00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,185 and there's a reason I can't tell you. 463 00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,688 Tell me what it is. I can't. 464 00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:46,649 Wow. What other secrets are you keeping from me, huh? 465 00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:48,651 Ye-- 466 00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:49,944 Are your muscles even real? 467 00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,612 It's steroids, isn't it? 468 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,656 [ Ava sighs ] 469 00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:55,992 Imma need y'all to stop arguing on Christmas Eve. 470 00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:04,125 Gregory accidentally found out that my dad lives in Philly, 471 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,294 and I asked him not to tell you 'cause I know you would try 472 00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:07,670 to do your Janine Saves the World thing 473 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,088 and try to repair a relationship 474 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:11,090 that I have no interest in fixing. 475 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,842 He cut my hair. He's a barber. 476 00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,260 Secret's out. 477 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:20,057 And you didn't want to be alone. 478 00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,101 [ Sighs ] You got me. 479 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,396 I'm not immune to feeling vulnerable during Christmas. 480 00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:28,399 So do you mind if I 481 00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:31,110 grace you with my presence just a little longer? 482 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,404 Oh, my God. Of course you can stay. 483 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,699 There's nothing wrong 484 00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:39,618 with wanting to be with your work family. 485 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:42,204 Shut up, Janine. 486 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,707 I ate all your marshmallows. 487 00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:46,083 You know, Mel, 488 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,169 you're not as bad a cook as everyone says. 489 00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,754 Why come you can't hold down a man? 490 00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:52,089 Get out of here. Go. 491 00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,342 Uh, I'm still hungry. 492 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:55,968 Yeah, well, you were dead when we ate, so... 493 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,720 [ Groans ] 494 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,764 If Uncle Archie woulda actually died, 495 00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:01,140 this would have been one of the best Schemmenti dinners ever. 496 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,559 Right? 497 00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,519 Take it easy, Dom. 498 00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:08,022 And if things don't work out between you and the firefighter, 499 00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:09,523 I know a guy. 500 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,400 Mwah. Night, Ma. 501 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,693 Love you. 502 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,320 Oh, Melissa. 503 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,489 They would never tell you, but I will. 504 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,158 Girl, you sure showed them. 505 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,743 I did, Barb. 506 00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:21,869 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 507 00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,622 Jinx! [ Both laugh ] 508 00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:26,457 Bye, hon. Mwah. So good. 509 00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:28,125 Thank you. 510 00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:30,211 [ Sighs deeply ] Nice. 511 00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:32,338 Yo. [ Barks ] Big dog, fire bro, 512 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,964 um, Seamus passed out in Jacob's bed, 513 00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:35,383 and I think he actually is dead. 514 00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:37,343 [ Seamus vomiting ] 515 00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:39,053 Shame on you, Seamus! [shame-us] 516 00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:41,097 That's disgusting. 517 00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,057 Did he just call me "big dog fire bro"? 518 00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,600 Yeah. 519 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,851 Those two aren't mine, though. 520 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,645 Ooh! I wonder what it is. 521 00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:48,854 Mugs. 522 00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,941 Okay. Aww, that's sweet, I think. 523 00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,651 You can put them in any order, too. 524 00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:55,986 Mm. Well, obviously, we didn't know you were coming, 525 00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:58,614 but that's okay, because-- 526 00:19:58,614 --> 00:19:59,782 Oh, not again. 527 00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,492 Alright, here you go. 528 00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:05,454 [ Giggles ] So, what's funny is 529 00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,623 I actually had to order several pair to find the right fit, 530 00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,792 because my feet and height ratio is one of a kind. 531 00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:12,753 But luckily, Amazon had plenty of options. 532 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,130 Ah... Aren't they cute? 533 00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,798 They definitely scream Janine. 534 00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,383 Thank you. 535 00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,552 Well, we've got plenty of pillows and blankets, 536 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,262 and honestly, this couch isn't bad to sleep on. 537 00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:22,805 Yeah. Not bad. Yeah. 538 00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:25,015 What did you think? We were gonna have a threesome? 539 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,601 [ Chuckles ] You wish. I was just killing time. 540 00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,395 Until what? [ Muffled music playing ] 541 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,480 There's a party bus out there with my name on it. 542 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,274 Christmas Eve is the best time to go clubbing. 543 00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:35,901 No one there has kids... that they care about. 544 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,820 [ Chuckles ] [ People cheering in distance ] 545 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,947 Merry whatever! Bye. 546 00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:42,616 [ Door shuts ] 547 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,077 Merry Christmas? 548 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:46,829 Merry Christmas. 549 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,458 [ Both sigh ] 550 00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:57,339 Welp, made all my stops. 551 00:20:57,339 --> 00:21:01,177 Oh, crap. I forgot about Barbara and Ava. 552 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:04,180 I really need to start making that list and checking it twice. 553 00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:08,392 Anyway, I'm on my way to the North Pole. 554 00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:11,854 And to all a good night. 555 00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:14,940 On Vixen, on Dancer! [ Chuckles ] 556 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,194 On Dancer, on Dancer. Yeah! 557 00:21:18,194 --> 00:21:20,780 [ Laughs ] 558 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,740 Merry Christmas! 559 00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:28,621 -- Captions by VITAC--