1
00:01:33,971 --> 00:01:37,516
<i>Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me</i>

2
00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:41,520
<i>How in hell
did I end up here again?</i>

3
00:01:42,104 --> 00:01:43,105
Ugh.

4
00:01:43,313 --> 00:01:44,690
Fuck off.

5
00:02:51,590 --> 00:02:56,428
<i>My birthday
actually began the way
of all my birthdays.</i>

6
00:03:07,189 --> 00:03:10,650
<i>Hello, darling.
Just ringing to wish
you</i> a <i>happy birthday!</i>

7
00:03:10,776 --> 00:03:12,527
Mum? It's 6:00 a.m.

8
00:03:12,611 --> 00:03:14,363
<i>I'm doing the FaceTime.</i>

9
00:03:14,446 --> 00:03:16,323
<i>Una taught me.
It's really marvelous!</i>

10
00:03:16,406 --> 00:03:17,783
Mum, the point of FaceTime

11
00:03:17,866 --> 00:03:20,535
is that you haven't got
to put the phone to your ear.

12
00:03:20,619 --> 00:03:22,204
<i>Oh! Silly me!</i>

13
00:03:22,287 --> 00:03:23,455
<i>Oh! There you are!</i>

14
00:03:23,622 --> 00:03:26,166
<i>This time, 43 years ago,</i>

15
00:03:26,333 --> 00:03:29,628
<i>I was having a lamb biryani
in an attempt to coax you out.</i>

16
00:03:30,504 --> 00:03:33,465
<i>Twenty-three hours of labor.
Never been the same
down there.</i>

17
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:35,675
<i>It's a miracle,
the gift of childbirth.</i>

18
00:03:35,842 --> 00:03:37,010
<i>Here it comes!</i>

19
00:03:37,177 --> 00:03:40,722
<i>Penny Husband-Bosworth's son
sells his sperm
on the Internet!</i>

20
00:03:40,889 --> 00:03:42,808
<i>You don't even
need a man, Bridget.</i>

21
00:03:42,891 --> 00:03:44,267
<i>Some people have
marvelous lives</i>

22
00:03:44,351 --> 00:03:45,671
<i>without them!
I mean, look at you.</i>

23
00:03:45,811 --> 00:03:49,523
A nice flat, a lovely job.
Nice flat!

24
00:03:49,689 --> 00:03:51,983
I'm putting
the phone down now, Mum.

25
00:03:53,026 --> 00:03:54,820
<i>Oh, um...
Say happy birthday to Bridget.</i>

26
00:03:54,986 --> 00:03:55,987
<i>Colin!</i>

27
00:03:56,154 --> 00:03:57,864
<i>Happy birthday to Bridget.</i>

28
00:03:58,532 --> 00:03:59,699
Thank you!

29
00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,285
I love you, darling.
Now don't forget,

30
00:04:02,369 --> 00:04:04,996
I'm counting on you
to head up my media campaign.

31
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:09,042
It's the parish
council elections, Mum.
Not the US Primaries.

32
00:04:11,586 --> 00:04:13,588
<i>Annual phone call
from Mum reminding me</i>

33
00:04:13,672 --> 00:04:16,341
<i>to take my ovaries
out of retirement.</i>

34
00:04:16,508 --> 00:04:17,926
<i>The truth was that by now,</i>

35
00:04:18,093 --> 00:04:20,387
<i>I thought I would
have had a little baby to love</i>

36
00:04:20,470 --> 00:04:22,681
<i>with the chisel-jawed
love of my life.</i>

37
00:04:22,806 --> 00:04:26,476
<i>But sometimes, life gives you
shallower compensations.</i>

38
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,437
<i>And at least
I was finally down</i>

39
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:30,522
<i>to my perfect weight.</i>

40
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:32,858
<i>Buongiorno, Miss Bridget.</i>

41
00:04:34,526 --> 00:04:36,319
<i>There was life
in the old dog yet.</i>

42
00:04:37,446 --> 00:04:40,115
<i>Hadn't exactly
been put out to grass.</i>

43
00:04:40,657 --> 00:04:42,200
<i>Ding dong.</i>

44
00:04:43,702 --> 00:04:45,537
<i>But this year,
all these things</i>

45
00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:47,414
<i>were brought
into sharper focus</i>

46
00:04:47,497 --> 00:04:51,501
<i>by an event
I hadn't expected to
attend quite so soon.</i>

47
00:05:04,097 --> 00:05:05,098
Hi.

48
00:05:09,603 --> 00:05:12,063
So, how are you feeling?
Are you okay?

49
00:05:12,147 --> 00:05:13,690
Mmm. Yeah.

50
00:05:13,773 --> 00:05:15,609
Just can't believe
he's gone, really.

51
00:05:36,171 --> 00:05:38,507
His death seems to have hit
the Eastern European

52
00:05:38,590 --> 00:05:41,301
teenage modeling community
particularly hard.

53
00:05:43,512 --> 00:05:46,848
They found
the flight recorder,
but still no bodies.

54
00:05:47,933 --> 00:05:51,019
Strangely fitting
that he should have died
going down in the bush.

55
00:05:53,688 --> 00:05:54,689
Shh.

56
00:05:54,856 --> 00:05:57,025
Sorry. Oops.

57
00:05:57,108 --> 00:06:00,737
We are
gathered here to
celebrate the life

58
00:06:00,946 --> 00:06:03,949
of Daniel Vivian Cleaver.

59
00:06:04,616 --> 00:06:09,704
Daniel was a kind
and wonderful son.

60
00:06:10,205 --> 00:06:12,165
Fuck.
What the fuck
is he doing here?

61
00:06:12,290 --> 00:06:14,209
A loving uncle
and brother.

62
00:06:14,459 --> 00:06:17,963
Oh, you know what
he's like, wanting to
do the decent thing.

63
00:06:18,088 --> 00:06:19,381
Is that his Wife?

64
00:06:19,464 --> 00:06:20,465
Mmm.

65
00:06:21,508 --> 00:06:24,219
<i>Did I ever
get over losing Mr. Darcy?</i>

66
00:06:24,386 --> 00:06:26,805
<i>Was he my Mr. Right?</i>

67
00:06:26,972 --> 00:06:28,390
<i>Oh, Christ.</i>

68
00:06:28,557 --> 00:06:33,728
A man
of outstanding charm
and charisma.

69
00:06:34,104 --> 00:06:35,230
Just a bit emotional.

70
00:06:35,313 --> 00:06:40,151
I would like
to invite his loved ones
up to share

71
00:06:40,277 --> 00:06:43,780
some of their
memories of Daniel.

72
00:06:45,323 --> 00:06:46,825
Daniel could be
very sensitive.

73
00:06:47,742 --> 00:06:50,579
Make you feel like you were
the only woman in the world.

74
00:06:50,662 --> 00:06:52,122
I first met Daniel in Moscow.

75
00:06:52,205 --> 00:06:56,042
He once took me
rowing on the Serpentine
and quoted Keats by heart.

76
00:06:56,126 --> 00:06:57,377
He could quote
Keats by heart!

77
00:06:57,502 --> 00:07:00,088
"Where be ye going,
you Devon Maid?

78
00:07:00,255 --> 00:07:03,425
"And what have ye
there in the basket?"

79
00:07:03,508 --> 00:07:05,093
"And what have ye
there in the basket?

80
00:07:07,095 --> 00:07:10,223
"Ye tight little fairy
just fresh from the dairy,

81
00:07:10,348 --> 00:07:12,851
"Will you give me
some cream if I ask it?"

82
00:07:17,230 --> 00:07:18,523
He did it to everyone.

83
00:07:19,190 --> 00:07:22,569
Would anybody else
like to say a few words?

84
00:07:22,694 --> 00:07:24,279
Say something for his mum.

85
00:07:27,699 --> 00:07:29,200
Get up, go on.

86
00:07:38,835 --> 00:07:39,836
Um...

87
00:07:41,755 --> 00:07:44,090
Daniel was a man

88
00:07:45,425 --> 00:07:50,764
who touched many
of us here today,
including me.

89
00:07:54,768 --> 00:07:55,810
Oh, dear.

90
00:07:56,978 --> 00:08:00,106
This is when Daniel would say,
"Shut up, Jones."

91
00:08:00,273 --> 00:08:04,736
And he would be right
because all I really
need to say is, um,

92
00:08:05,904 --> 00:08:09,616
dear Daniel,
I will miss you terribly.

93
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:11,743
We all Will.

94
00:08:17,624 --> 00:08:19,018
- Give you a call?
- Yes, very good.

95
00:08:19,042 --> 00:08:20,460
Bye, Bridget.
Bye. Bye.

96
00:08:20,710 --> 00:08:22,003
Oh!
Bridget.

97
00:08:22,087 --> 00:08:23,088
Mark!

98
00:08:23,797 --> 00:08:24,839
This is Camilla.

99
00:08:24,923 --> 00:08:25,965
Hello.

100
00:08:26,091 --> 00:08:27,926
Bridget. An old friend.

101
00:08:28,051 --> 00:08:31,429
Well, less old,
more childhood!

102
00:08:33,348 --> 00:08:36,393
So, nice memorial,

103
00:08:36,851 --> 00:08:38,103
as memorials go.

104
00:08:39,104 --> 00:08:41,439
Almost makes one look forward
to one's own.

105
00:08:44,275 --> 00:08:45,652
Yes, well...

106
00:08:46,403 --> 00:08:47,404
Goodbye.

107
00:08:48,071 --> 00:08:49,447
Goodbye!

108
00:08:52,909 --> 00:08:56,162
<i>Maybe that's
the reason Mark Darcy
and I never made it.</i>

109
00:08:56,246 --> 00:08:58,873
<i>I always felt like
a verbally incontinent
old maid</i>

110
00:08:58,957 --> 00:09:00,542
<i>even when we were together.</i>

111
00:09:01,126 --> 00:09:03,837
<i>Still, I wasn't going to
dwell on the negatives.</i>

112
00:09:04,003 --> 00:09:07,132
<i>At least no one at work knew
it was my birthday.</i>

113
00:09:07,298 --> 00:09:09,551
<i>Or, indeed,
how old I was going to be.</i>

114
00:09:09,801 --> 00:09:12,095
Surprise!

115
00:09:13,763 --> 00:09:15,473
Happy birthday, Bridget!
Gosh!

116
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:17,475
<i>Or so I thought.</i>

117
00:09:18,393 --> 00:09:20,145
Who told you?

118
00:09:20,270 --> 00:09:22,480
It's so hot. So many candles!

119
00:09:22,939 --> 00:09:27,235
Happy 43rd birthday to you

120
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:30,530
<i>Happy 43rd birthday to you</i>

121
00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:33,324
<i>Isn't there some sort
of statute of limitations</i>

122
00:09:33,491 --> 00:09:35,577
<i>about the number of
sodding candles on a cake</i>

123
00:09:35,660 --> 00:09:37,412
<i>once you get to a certain age?</i>

124
00:09:38,329 --> 00:09:40,498
Josh, I need you
to see what Reuters

125
00:09:40,582 --> 00:09:42,709
is saying about
the attacks on Ramallah.

126
00:09:42,876 --> 00:09:44,586
We might need a live link.

127
00:09:44,753 --> 00:09:47,172
<i>I may have been
another year older
and still single,</i>

128
00:09:47,338 --> 00:09:49,174
<i>but I could
always take consolation</i>

129
00:09:49,257 --> 00:09:51,176
<i>in my job as
top news producer.</i>

130
00:09:51,342 --> 00:09:54,387
So, how will I be
changing the world today?

131
00:09:54,554 --> 00:09:57,390
Well, our main feature
is the exclusive interview

132
00:09:57,557 --> 00:10:00,518
with the Foreign
Secretary about NGochi.

133
00:10:00,685 --> 00:10:02,187
OMG. How did you do that?

134
00:10:02,353 --> 00:10:04,147
NGochi.
NGochi.

135
00:10:04,314 --> 00:10:05,394
You're good at that!
I know.

136
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:06,858
I've been practicing. NGochi.

137
00:10:07,025 --> 00:10:08,026
NGochi.

138
00:10:08,193 --> 00:10:09,235
NGochi.
NGochi.

139
00:10:10,862 --> 00:10:13,281
NGochi?
It's harder than you think!
NGochi.

140
00:10:13,448 --> 00:10:15,742
<i>Plus,
have great new ISO-something
work colleagues</i>

141
00:10:15,909 --> 00:10:18,244
<i>who are not obsessed
with children and marriage.</i>

142
00:10:18,411 --> 00:10:20,413
How do we plan on
celebrating tonight?

143
00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:22,373
Well, night out
with the gang.

144
00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:24,209
Please say that
involves group sex.

145
00:10:24,375 --> 00:10:25,543
Gang bangs?

146
00:10:25,668 --> 00:10:26,961
Ooh. We like to do that.

147
00:10:27,086 --> 00:10:29,440
I know a smashing little club
round the back of
Berwick Street.

148
00:10:29,464 --> 00:10:30,882
Chance
would be a fine thing.

149
00:10:31,049 --> 00:10:34,219
I'm beginning to think
I've passed my sexual
sell-by date.

150
00:10:34,385 --> 00:10:37,388
No! There are names for
women like you now, Bridge.

151
00:10:37,555 --> 00:10:39,432
You're a cougar.
You are a MILF.

152
00:10:39,516 --> 00:10:41,559
I'm not a MILF.
I'm not even a mum.

153
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:45,104
I'm a spinster.
I'm a SPILF.

154
00:10:45,355 --> 00:10:46,595
Three minutes
till we're on air.

155
00:10:47,232 --> 00:10:49,317
It's called Voyeurz,
with a 'Z'.

156
00:10:49,484 --> 00:10:50,902
You tell them
that Cathy sent you.

157
00:10:51,069 --> 00:10:52,963
And if you go on a Thursday,
there's a Chinese buffet,

158
00:10:52,987 --> 00:10:54,781
all you can eat, as it were.

159
00:10:56,407 --> 00:10:58,243
<i>But whose advice was,
nevertheless,</i>

160
00:10:58,326 --> 00:11:00,078
<i>sometimes a tad
too modern for me.</i>

161
00:11:01,287 --> 00:11:03,665
- It's me. Checking talkback.
- Yep.

162
00:11:03,832 --> 00:11:05,559
You didn't freeze your eggs
by any chance, did you?

163
00:11:05,583 --> 00:11:08,837
No. I imagine
they're hard-boiled by now.

164
00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:10,922
You know what, Bridge?
This weekend,

165
00:11:11,089 --> 00:11:14,592
you and me need to go out
and get stuck into
some serious...

166
00:11:14,759 --> 00:11:18,429
<i>Binge drinking,</i> a <i>dangerous
scourge on society.</i>

167
00:11:18,513 --> 00:11:20,181
Is new legislation needed?

168
00:11:21,766 --> 00:11:24,853
Bridget, Miranda.
I've told you,
don't talk between the bongs.

169
00:11:25,436 --> 00:11:27,772
Stick to the questions
on the cue cards.

170
00:11:27,856 --> 00:11:28,857
Miranda, cue.

171
00:11:29,023 --> 00:11:31,442
The Foreign Secretary
will be live in the studio

172
00:11:31,609 --> 00:11:34,279
to talk about the looming
crisis in Muribundi.

173
00:11:35,071 --> 00:11:37,282
You could always try
online dating again.

174
00:11:37,448 --> 00:11:39,951
The other night
I was on Tinder.
Half an hour later,

175
00:11:40,118 --> 00:11:41,804
- I'm having a three-way with...
- Miranda, cue!

176
00:11:41,828 --> 00:11:45,456
Prince Andrew, the Royal
Special Representative for
Trade and Investment...

177
00:11:45,623 --> 00:11:46,833
You did that on purpose.

178
00:11:46,916 --> 00:11:49,252
...has just written his
first children's book.

179
00:11:49,419 --> 00:11:51,004
He had a massive cock.

180
00:11:53,089 --> 00:11:56,259
Live in the studio, I'm joined
by Foreign Secretary,
George Wilkins,

181
00:11:56,342 --> 00:11:59,137
who has just returned
from war-ravaged Muribundi...

182
00:11:59,304 --> 00:12:00,990
<i>Miranda, I'm in your ear.
Just follow my lead.</i>

183
00:12:01,014 --> 00:12:04,142
...where the assassination
of bloody dictator,
Charles NGoohi,

184
00:12:04,309 --> 00:12:06,561
has resulted in civil war.
One take.

185
00:12:06,644 --> 00:12:07,687
Come back to four. Four.

186
00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:09,314
Minister,
was this a military coup?

187
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,649
Well, the signs are that
NGochi's own generals

188
00:12:11,733 --> 00:12:12,877
did take him out in
a rather bloody way.

189
00:12:12,901 --> 00:12:14,319
Hi, Tom. Can't talk.

190
00:12:14,485 --> 00:12:15,695
<i>How was
Daniel's memorial?</i>

191
00:12:16,195 --> 00:12:19,407
It's just sad.
I can't believe
he's gone, actually.

192
00:12:19,532 --> 00:12:21,784
It's just sad.
I can't believe
he's gone actually.

193
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,620
Uh...

194
00:12:24,662 --> 00:12:27,498
I don't think there was
any particular sadness
in his passing.

195
00:12:27,582 --> 00:12:30,919
His persecution of
the Unbutu people
amounted to genocide.

196
00:12:31,002 --> 00:12:32,837
That is well documented.

197
00:12:32,921 --> 00:12:34,172
I know he had his faults.

198
00:12:34,339 --> 00:12:35,524
Well, I know he
had his faults.

199
00:12:35,548 --> 00:12:37,258
He could be
a massive arsehole.

200
00:12:37,425 --> 00:12:39,552
He could be
a massive arsehole.

201
00:12:40,762 --> 00:12:42,513
But I miss him. We all do.

202
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,891
But I miss him. We all do.

203
00:12:46,225 --> 00:12:48,937
Well, he was
certainly a very colorful
character

204
00:12:49,020 --> 00:12:50,396
on the world stage, Miranda.

205
00:12:50,563 --> 00:12:51,689
I grant you that.

206
00:12:51,773 --> 00:12:53,232
But I think
the genocide resulting in

207
00:12:53,316 --> 00:12:55,193
the deaths of over
10,000 of his own people,

208
00:12:55,276 --> 00:12:56,361
men, women and children,

209
00:12:56,527 --> 00:12:58,714
probably did rather put him
on the wrong side of history.

210
00:12:58,738 --> 00:13:00,740
At least he was never boring.

211
00:13:00,865 --> 00:13:02,700
Well, at least
he was never boring.

212
00:13:04,118 --> 00:13:05,203
One, two
and three. Clear.

213
00:13:06,329 --> 00:13:07,649
Do you think
a spirit of democracy

214
00:13:07,705 --> 00:13:09,624
can carry over
into West Africa

215
00:13:09,707 --> 00:13:11,292
now NGochi's dead?

216
00:13:11,459 --> 00:13:13,878
Do you think, Minister,
that the spirit of democracy

217
00:13:14,045 --> 00:13:17,256
can carry over
into West Africa
now that NGochi is dead?

218
00:13:17,423 --> 00:13:19,592
Now that is an interesting
question. Finally.

219
00:13:19,717 --> 00:13:21,636
Running out
of time here.
Miranda, wrap it up!

220
00:13:21,719 --> 00:13:22,759
Briefly, please, Minister.

221
00:13:22,887 --> 00:13:24,806
It is a complicated issue.
Yes or a no?

222
00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:26,891
Miranda,
make it the last answer.

223
00:13:27,058 --> 00:13:28,226
Let's hope so.

224
00:13:28,309 --> 00:13:30,645
I'll take that.
Thank you for joining
us on the sofa today.

225
00:13:30,770 --> 00:13:32,247
Stand by.
Toby on one.
Over to you, Toby.

226
00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:35,274
And now, what if a man
was to experience labor?

227
00:13:35,441 --> 00:13:37,443
Well, thank you,
Miranda, Bridget.

228
00:13:37,610 --> 00:13:39,320
You couldn't just
behave yourselves

229
00:13:39,404 --> 00:13:40,714
when the new
management team were here?

230
00:13:40,738 --> 00:13:42,323
They're the new
management team?

231
00:13:42,490 --> 00:13:45,576
That is Alice Peabody,
new Brand Manager.

232
00:13:45,743 --> 00:13:48,788
Apparently, Hard News
is too old-fashioned,
too serious,

233
00:13:48,955 --> 00:13:50,957
and she is
the smiling assassin

234
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,084
brought in to sack
anybody older than her.

235
00:13:53,584 --> 00:13:55,128
Everybody's older
than her.

236
00:13:55,294 --> 00:13:58,006
I've got tins of
soup in my cupboard
older than her.

237
00:13:58,172 --> 00:13:59,757
Look at them all.

238
00:13:59,924 --> 00:14:03,761
With their apps,
and their ironic beards.

239
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:05,763
Maybe one of them
could give Bridget some sex.

240
00:14:05,847 --> 00:14:06,848
What?

241
00:14:07,015 --> 00:14:08,158
Does Brid... Do you need sex?

242
00:14:08,182 --> 00:14:09,684
Yes! No!

243
00:14:09,851 --> 00:14:12,020
Which is why I'm taking her
on a girls' weekend

244
00:14:12,103 --> 00:14:14,188
to beat all girls' weekends.

245
00:14:16,190 --> 00:14:18,109
Bridget, isn't it?

246
00:14:18,276 --> 00:14:19,360
Yes. Nice to meet...

247
00:14:19,444 --> 00:14:23,322
Team meeting tomorrow morning.
We can do introductions then.

248
00:14:30,663 --> 00:14:31,706
9:00 a.m.

249
00:14:32,707 --> 00:14:34,959
We should all start
an hour earlier from now on.

250
00:14:37,253 --> 00:14:38,463
You think she saw that?

251
00:14:38,546 --> 00:14:40,673
Uh, quite possibly not.

252
00:14:40,798 --> 00:14:43,509
And you're sure you
don't wanna come out
with me and my crew?

253
00:14:43,593 --> 00:14:44,594
Mmm-hmm.

254
00:14:44,677 --> 00:14:46,971
Thanks, but can't
let the old gang down.

255
00:14:47,138 --> 00:14:50,224
They're stay-at-home mums now.
They'd be disappointed.

256
00:14:50,308 --> 00:14:51,476
Ooh.

257
00:14:58,399 --> 00:14:59,400
Hmm.

258
00:15:01,611 --> 00:15:02,945
Huh.

259
00:15:04,238 --> 00:15:06,157
Thank God for the gays!

260
00:15:09,911 --> 00:15:12,872
Now whatever
fears you're bringing
in the room with you today,

261
00:15:13,039 --> 00:15:14,749
I want you to
take those fears

262
00:15:14,916 --> 00:15:17,418
and I want you to tell them
to fuck the fuck off!

263
00:15:17,585 --> 00:15:19,003
Yeah!

264
00:15:20,213 --> 00:15:23,007
Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?

265
00:15:24,050 --> 00:15:27,345
Then ride, you sexy bitches.
Ride!

266
00:15:28,930 --> 00:15:30,181
Ride!

267
00:15:31,933 --> 00:15:33,101
Look, I'm so sorry, Bridget,

268
00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:35,311
but I'm actually gonna
have to blow you out, too.

269
00:15:35,645 --> 00:15:36,646
Oh!

270
00:15:37,021 --> 00:15:39,190
I didn't wanna have
to tell you this today,

271
00:15:39,774 --> 00:15:41,359
but Eduardo and
I are adopting.

272
00:15:44,195 --> 00:15:45,488
What, a baby?

273
00:15:45,655 --> 00:15:47,490
Yes. A baby.

274
00:15:48,032 --> 00:15:49,909
Or gayby, in our case.

275
00:15:50,785 --> 00:15:52,870
That's fantastic news!

276
00:15:53,037 --> 00:15:54,037
Tom!

277
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,182
Yeah.
I'm going to Bogoté tomorrow

278
00:15:55,206 --> 00:15:56,809
to start the paperwork,
so I've gotta go and pack.

279
00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:58,543
Wonderful! Go!

280
00:15:59,043 --> 00:16:01,045
Happy birthday. Have fun.

281
00:16:01,212 --> 00:16:02,296
Congratulations!

282
00:16:02,380 --> 00:16:03,381
Thanks, darling. Bye.

283
00:16:04,966 --> 00:16:07,009
<i>Fucking excellent.</i>

284
00:16:08,302 --> 00:16:11,389
<i>And that was how
I wound up back here again.</i>

285
00:16:11,556 --> 00:16:14,559
<i>The last barren
husk in London.</i>

286
00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:16,644
<i>And of the two
loves of my life,</i>

287
00:16:16,727 --> 00:16:20,231
<i>one is married,
and the other is dead.</i>

288
00:16:22,233 --> 00:16:24,986
<i>Right.
New birthday resolutions.</i>

289
00:16:25,153 --> 00:16:27,738
<i>I, Bridget Jones,
am done with
affairs of the heart</i>

290
00:16:27,905 --> 00:16:31,909
<i>and dedicating my autumn years
to the pursuit of hedonism.</i>

291
00:16:32,076 --> 00:16:35,079
<i>Will hang only with new,
free-spirited friends
like Miranda.</i>

292
00:16:35,246 --> 00:16:36,998
<i>And when the going gets tough,</i>

293
00:16:37,165 --> 00:16:40,001
<i>the tough go on
a luxury spa weekend!</i>

294
00:16:42,003 --> 00:16:43,462
What the fuck?

295
00:16:45,256 --> 00:16:46,424
Love the shoes.

296
00:17:00,938 --> 00:17:03,774
I didn't tell you
because you wouldn't
have come!

297
00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:05,776
Seriously,
it's been five years.

298
00:17:05,902 --> 00:17:07,612
You gotta shake
yourself out of this

299
00:17:07,695 --> 00:17:09,488
self-imposed
purdah you've been in

300
00:17:10,031 --> 00:17:12,742
ever since you split up
with your precious Mark Darcy.

301
00:17:12,909 --> 00:17:14,911
Rubbish.
I barely think of him.

302
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:17,079
What you need
is a good shafting.

303
00:17:17,246 --> 00:17:18,706
You need some
good old-fashioned,

304
00:17:18,789 --> 00:17:21,125
lie-back-and-think-of-England
bonking.

305
00:17:21,292 --> 00:17:23,920
And festivals are
sexual free-for-alls.

306
00:17:24,086 --> 00:17:26,923
Like Sodom and Gomorrah,
with tofu.

307
00:17:27,423 --> 00:17:29,133
First man you meet,
you gotta sleep with.

308
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:30,300
First man?

309
00:17:30,343 --> 00:17:31,928
I'm not taking
no for an answer.

310
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,138
I'm gonna find our
backstage passes.

311
00:17:34,305 --> 00:17:35,765
You get the maps.

312
00:17:40,144 --> 00:17:41,479
Wanna know where you are?

313
00:17:41,562 --> 00:17:42,563
Maps!

314
00:17:42,772 --> 00:17:44,482
<i>I may be old and
inappropriately dressed,</i>

315
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,401
<i>but at least I look
fucking amazing!</i>

316
00:17:50,154 --> 00:17:51,155
Oh.

317
00:17:54,450 --> 00:17:57,078
That's exactly why
I didn't wear my heels.

318
00:17:58,246 --> 00:17:59,956
<i>Ding fucking dong!</i>

319
00:18:00,248 --> 00:18:01,415
May I?

320
00:18:02,541 --> 00:18:03,542
Uh...

321
00:18:05,002 --> 00:18:06,003
Ah.

322
00:18:07,672 --> 00:18:09,173
Um... Uh...

323
00:18:12,093 --> 00:18:13,344
Ooh.

324
00:18:17,682 --> 00:18:19,016
Thank you.

325
00:18:21,394 --> 00:18:22,687
On!

326
00:18:22,979 --> 00:18:23,980
Ah. There you go.

327
00:18:24,105 --> 00:18:25,356
It fits.

328
00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:31,195
MIRANDA; Bridget!

329
00:18:32,446 --> 00:18:33,614
Bridget!

330
00:18:34,615 --> 00:18:36,033
Is that your
wicked stepmother?

331
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,326
Yes.

332
00:18:37,493 --> 00:18:41,163
I'd better go before
she has me sweeping
fireplaces all day.

333
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,709
Thank you.
You're welcome.

334
00:18:45,543 --> 00:18:48,212
<i>Ah-ha. Birthday
resolution number two.</i>

335
00:18:48,379 --> 00:18:49,964
<i>Must remember
the way to a man's heart</i>

336
00:18:50,047 --> 00:18:51,549
<i>is not through beauty,
sex or love...</i>

337
00:18:52,091 --> 00:18:53,175
It's Jack.

338
00:18:53,384 --> 00:18:57,054
<i>...but merely
the ability to fall arse
over tit in the mud.</i>

339
00:18:57,638 --> 00:18:59,056
By the way.

340
00:19:00,683 --> 00:19:01,726
Right.

341
00:19:01,851 --> 00:19:03,185
Which one's ours?

342
00:19:03,352 --> 00:19:05,187
Uh, let's try up here.

343
00:19:05,730 --> 00:19:08,733
And anyway,
it's not camping.
It's glamping.

344
00:19:09,066 --> 00:19:12,153
Putting a "GL"
in front of it doesn't
make it any better.

345
00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:13,571
Calling him Gladolf Hitler

346
00:19:13,738 --> 00:19:17,116
wouldn't
suddenly make you forget
all the unpleasantness.

347
00:19:24,248 --> 00:19:25,750
Oh. Fuck me!

348
00:19:30,921 --> 00:19:32,340
NGochi!

349
00:19:36,719 --> 00:19:38,346
NGochi!

350
00:19:40,848 --> 00:19:43,351
NGcohi!

351
00:19:48,606 --> 00:19:50,358
It's 2:30
in the afternoon!

352
00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:52,360
I should be hoovering!

353
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:09,627
This is incredible!

354
00:20:09,794 --> 00:20:11,253
We've got to get a photo!

355
00:20:12,213 --> 00:20:13,422
Excuse me?

356
00:20:13,964 --> 00:20:16,384
Do you mind
if we ask you to
take a photo of us?

357
00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:18,302
- Yeah. Sure.
- Thank you.

358
00:20:20,805 --> 00:20:22,605
All right. You ready?
Hey, what are you doing?

359
00:20:23,641 --> 00:20:25,976
I was taking a photo.
I thought you guys
wanted a photo.

360
00:20:26,143 --> 00:20:27,645
Yeah, we do. Of us.

361
00:20:27,770 --> 00:20:28,813
Yes. Terribly sorry,

362
00:20:28,896 --> 00:20:31,565
but we thought it
would be really fun
to get a photo of us backstage

363
00:20:31,649 --> 00:20:33,317
among all these
glamorous people.

364
00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:35,653
<i>I think that's
the</i> guy <i>from Bargain Hunt.</i>

365
00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:37,780
It would be great
if you could get
him in the shot.

366
00:20:37,905 --> 00:20:38,989
Quick, quick, quick!

367
00:20:39,156 --> 00:20:40,759
So, you don't want me
in the photo at all?

368
00:20:40,783 --> 00:20:42,827
Oh, God. You can lose
the attitude, babes.

369
00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:44,620
Is it really that difficult?

370
00:20:45,121 --> 00:20:48,165
God. They let any old
riff-raff backstage nowadays.

371
00:20:48,332 --> 00:20:50,751
I don't know. I thought
he was kind of cute.

372
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:52,461
But he looks familiar.

373
00:20:53,671 --> 00:20:56,966
I think he works at
the Starbucks in Balham!

374
00:21:04,265 --> 00:21:05,516
Here we go!

375
00:21:05,683 --> 00:21:07,518
<i>One, two, three, sing!</i>

376
00:21:14,358 --> 00:21:16,694
Oh, my God!

377
00:21:17,695 --> 00:21:18,904
I know!

378
00:21:18,988 --> 00:21:20,948
It's the guy from Starbucks!

379
00:21:21,115 --> 00:21:22,116
Crowd-surf!
Whoo!

380
00:21:41,635 --> 00:21:43,137
Miranda!

381
00:21:44,889 --> 00:21:46,265
Miranda!

382
00:21:48,225 --> 00:21:49,643
Miranda?

383
00:21:50,895 --> 00:21:51,896
Shit.

384
00:21:53,939 --> 00:21:55,107
Hey, Miranda.

385
00:21:56,317 --> 00:21:58,152
Oh, God!

386
00:22:00,529 --> 00:22:03,741
I have to admit that was fun.

387
00:22:04,700 --> 00:22:06,327
And you're right.

388
00:22:06,577 --> 00:22:10,414
What I need is
a good shafting.

389
00:22:11,081 --> 00:22:16,003
Some good old-fashioned
lie-back-and-think-of-England

390
00:22:17,213 --> 00:22:18,422
bonking.

391
00:22:19,006 --> 00:22:20,257
Well, sign me up.

392
00:22:20,758 --> 00:22:23,093
Oh, my God!

393
00:22:25,012 --> 00:22:26,764
What are you doing
in my yurt?

394
00:22:28,265 --> 00:22:32,895
With all your clothes
and luggage and possessions.

395
00:22:33,062 --> 00:22:36,065
Yeah. It's as if
I've come in,
made it my own.

396
00:22:36,607 --> 00:22:37,608
Wait, it's you.

397
00:22:37,775 --> 00:22:39,135
The creature from
the Black Lagoon.

398
00:22:39,443 --> 00:22:41,111
Oh. Yes. Sorry.

399
00:22:41,278 --> 00:22:42,923
Well, you don't
really expect me to believe

400
00:22:42,947 --> 00:22:45,115
that you accidentally crashed
into my yurt, do you?

401
00:22:45,449 --> 00:22:46,450
Oh!

402
00:22:46,742 --> 00:22:49,620
Since you're here,
maybe I could help you.

403
00:22:51,038 --> 00:22:54,166
<i>Well,
he is the first man I met.</i>

404
00:22:54,291 --> 00:22:57,294
<i>And his yurt is
one heck of a lot
nicer than mine.</i>

405
00:22:58,295 --> 00:22:59,547
Bridget!

406
00:22:59,713 --> 00:23:02,550
Where the fuck are you?

407
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:03,884
Bridget!

408
00:23:04,051 --> 00:23:06,804
I'm so pissed!

409
00:23:52,308 --> 00:23:53,392
MIRANDA; Bridget!

410
00:23:54,810 --> 00:23:58,606
I'm zorbing with Ed Sheeran!

411
00:24:23,839 --> 00:24:27,134
<i>Oh, God!
I've just slept with</i>
a <i>complete stranger!</i>

412
00:24:27,843 --> 00:24:30,304
<i>I'm nothing but
a feckless prostitute.</i>

413
00:24:31,388 --> 00:24:33,515
<i>No, no.
I'm an elegant older woman</i>

414
00:24:33,599 --> 00:24:35,684
<i>taking men for
my own pleasure.</i>

415
00:24:35,893 --> 00:24:38,228
<i>Or am I just a deluded,
middle-aged fool?</i>

416
00:24:46,570 --> 00:24:47,863
<i>Fuck it!</i>

417
00:24:49,573 --> 00:24:50,741
Miranda.

418
00:24:52,409 --> 00:24:53,827
Good morning.

419
00:24:55,871 --> 00:24:58,207
<i>So, it lasted six hours?</i>

420
00:24:58,374 --> 00:25:00,584
What lasted
six hours, Mum?

421
00:25:01,752 --> 00:25:04,880
Um, a puppet show that
Auntie Bridge went to.

422
00:25:05,756 --> 00:25:07,841
Six-hour puppet show?

423
00:25:07,925 --> 00:25:08,926
Hello.

424
00:25:09,009 --> 00:25:11,762
So, tell me, were
they little puppets or...

425
00:25:11,845 --> 00:25:13,806
Very nice-sized puppets.

426
00:25:16,058 --> 00:25:19,937
And did he put
his puppet in your mouth?

427
00:25:23,023 --> 00:25:26,568
God! I feel like my days
of puppet shows are behind me.

428
00:25:30,197 --> 00:25:31,782
I've had finger puppets.

429
00:25:34,868 --> 00:25:36,120
And has he called?

430
00:25:36,286 --> 00:25:38,372
Well, it doesn't
work like that anymore.

431
00:25:38,539 --> 00:25:41,959
You just hook up
with rugged troubadours
at music festivals

432
00:25:42,126 --> 00:25:43,627
and there are no strings.

433
00:25:44,211 --> 00:25:45,921
Puppets with no strings.

434
00:25:47,464 --> 00:25:49,526
Take the wings off.
They're for little girls.
Come on.

435
00:25:49,550 --> 00:25:51,635
<i>Hello?</i>
Where the fuck are you?

436
00:25:51,802 --> 00:25:53,387
Speeding through
lovely countryside

437
00:25:53,470 --> 00:25:55,723
on our way to
your christening.

438
00:25:55,806 --> 00:25:58,267
No, we're not.
Why is Auntie Bridget lying?

439
00:25:58,350 --> 00:25:59,351
Shh.
Shh.

440
00:25:59,768 --> 00:26:02,354
Bridge,
I thought you should know
after Tom dropped out,

441
00:26:02,438 --> 00:26:04,106
Giles asked Mark
to be the godfather.

442
00:26:04,273 --> 00:26:05,983
What?
He did what?

443
00:26:06,150 --> 00:26:07,818
Yes, I know.
He really is a useless cock.

444
00:26:07,985 --> 00:26:09,778
<i>Did it without asking me.</i>

445
00:26:11,447 --> 00:26:12,656
Oh, my God!

446
00:26:12,823 --> 00:26:14,783
<i>Mark Darcy again.</i>

447
00:26:15,284 --> 00:26:19,621
<i>Twice in the space of a week,
I turn up at church
as rent-a-spinster.</i>

448
00:26:23,417 --> 00:26:26,086
Where the fuck were you?

449
00:26:31,175 --> 00:26:33,677
Sorry. Sorry.

450
00:26:34,845 --> 00:26:35,971
Sorry.

451
00:26:37,890 --> 00:26:40,100
Good morning,
and welcome.

452
00:26:40,184 --> 00:26:42,227
<i>Well, this isn't
embarrassing at all.</i>

453
00:26:42,311 --> 00:26:45,022
<i>Mark Darcy and I at
the altar with a baby.</i>

454
00:26:46,023 --> 00:26:47,316
That's lovely.

455
00:26:47,399 --> 00:26:49,359
Okay, now. Nice big smiles.
Looking at me.

456
00:26:49,526 --> 00:26:51,695
Thank you. Lovely!

457
00:26:51,987 --> 00:26:54,490
Okay.
Can I just get
the godparents now, please?

458
00:26:55,866 --> 00:26:56,867
So, how are you?

459
00:26:57,284 --> 00:26:59,036
Very well, thank you.
How are you?

460
00:26:59,203 --> 00:27:00,662
Well. Thank you.
Mmm.

461
00:27:01,288 --> 00:27:04,792
Are you here with your wife?
I can't remember her name.

462
00:27:04,875 --> 00:27:08,545
Camilla. No, she, uh...
No, she couldn't make it.
Ah. Mmm.

463
00:27:08,796 --> 00:27:09,797
You with anyone?

464
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,216
No, no. Not today. No.

465
00:27:12,549 --> 00:27:14,176
Come on. It's not a funeral.

466
00:27:14,885 --> 00:27:16,780
Can I get a couple of smiles
out of you two, please?

467
00:27:16,804 --> 00:27:19,204
Maybe give her a little kiss?
You know, on the
forehead there.

468
00:27:22,976 --> 00:27:24,336
Uh... I was talking
about the baby.

469
00:27:29,566 --> 00:27:31,068
Lovely!

470
00:27:31,485 --> 00:27:32,820
All right.

471
00:27:32,903 --> 00:27:33,922
I'll see you later,
I shouldn't wonder.

472
00:27:33,946 --> 00:27:34,947
Yeah.

473
00:27:35,072 --> 00:27:37,407
Unless I make a break
for it with this thing.

474
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,119
<i>Could this day
actually get any more awkward?</i>

475
00:27:41,745 --> 00:27:45,249
<i>Just keep walking,
keep walking,
keep walking, keep walking!</i>

476
00:27:56,260 --> 00:27:57,261
Hello.

477
00:27:57,386 --> 00:27:58,387
Hello.

478
00:27:59,096 --> 00:28:00,222
How are you?

479
00:28:00,597 --> 00:28:02,224
Very well, thanks.
How are you?

480
00:28:02,391 --> 00:28:03,559
I'm fine.

481
00:28:03,725 --> 00:28:05,269
So am l.

482
00:28:06,770 --> 00:28:08,063
Well, goodbye.

483
00:28:08,230 --> 00:28:09,690
Goodbye.

484
00:28:10,190 --> 00:28:11,859
A glass of wine.
A whiskey, please.

485
00:28:12,109 --> 00:28:13,610
Big. Big glass.
Double.

486
00:28:13,777 --> 00:28:14,862
Thank you.

487
00:28:48,937 --> 00:28:51,231
I'd ask you to join me,
but I'm pretty sure

488
00:28:51,315 --> 00:28:54,359
you're not a big
<i>Gangnam Style</i> kind of guy.

489
00:28:54,735 --> 00:28:56,069
I was only there very briefly.

490
00:28:56,153 --> 00:28:57,153
Where?

491
00:28:57,195 --> 00:28:58,488
Gangnam.

492
00:29:00,157 --> 00:29:01,658
What are we talking about?

493
00:29:01,992 --> 00:29:03,577
Gangnam. Dancing.

494
00:29:03,660 --> 00:29:04,661
Ah!

495
00:29:04,912 --> 00:29:06,330
Not the suburb of Seoul.

496
00:29:06,955 --> 00:29:07,998
No.

497
00:29:08,081 --> 00:29:10,375
Not familiar with Gangnam,
the suburb.

498
00:29:10,584 --> 00:29:12,669
It literally means
"South of the Han River."

499
00:29:14,630 --> 00:29:18,717
It was inhabited as early
as the Paleolithic Period.

500
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,762
Suddenly seems so
much less catchy!

501
00:29:24,514 --> 00:29:26,350
<i>Now something for
you lovers out there.</i>

502
00:29:26,516 --> 00:29:28,644
<i>We're entering
"the erection section."</i>

503
00:29:28,810 --> 00:29:30,854
<i>Don't say fucking
"erection" at a christening!</i>

504
00:29:33,190 --> 00:29:34,191
<i>Oh.</i>

505
00:29:37,319 --> 00:29:38,904
Would you like
to get some air?

506
00:29:41,698 --> 00:29:43,700
I mean, some more air.

507
00:29:44,868 --> 00:29:46,328
Sure.

508
00:29:55,837 --> 00:29:57,965
I don't suppose
you happen to
have a cigarette?

509
00:29:58,131 --> 00:29:59,132
No.

510
00:29:59,675 --> 00:30:03,011
Gave up
1,891 days ago.

511
00:30:03,387 --> 00:30:05,305
Not that you're counting.

512
00:30:05,472 --> 00:30:07,057
Since when
did you smoke?

513
00:30:07,224 --> 00:30:10,227
I don't.
It's been a tense time.

514
00:30:11,812 --> 00:30:13,480
Maybe I'm nervous.

515
00:30:15,148 --> 00:30:16,233
Why?

516
00:30:18,402 --> 00:30:20,237
You have a train
in your hair.

517
00:30:21,738 --> 00:30:24,491
I'm aware of that.

518
00:30:24,574 --> 00:30:27,244
Courtesy of one of
my many godchildren.

519
00:30:31,748 --> 00:30:34,584
Seems to be stuck.

520
00:30:36,420 --> 00:30:37,921
And this would be...

521
00:30:39,089 --> 00:30:40,090
Cake?

522
00:30:40,173 --> 00:30:41,341
Profiterole.

523
00:30:41,508 --> 00:30:44,803
It's technically
more of a dessert
than a cake, I suppose.

524
00:30:51,059 --> 00:30:52,853
What are you doing?
You're married.

525
00:30:52,936 --> 00:30:54,104
No, I'm not.

526
00:30:55,605 --> 00:30:58,400
I mean, I am.
I'm getting a divorce.

527
00:30:58,483 --> 00:31:00,360
That's why she's not here.

528
00:31:04,072 --> 00:31:06,366
Weren't you together
at the memorial?

529
00:31:06,908 --> 00:31:09,077
No. She was just
being supportive.

530
00:31:09,369 --> 00:31:12,122
She's gone back to The Hague,
where she's now living
and I'm not.

531
00:31:13,790 --> 00:31:15,375
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mark.

532
00:31:15,542 --> 00:31:18,462
Right at this precise moment,
I'm not sorry at all.

533
00:32:34,287 --> 00:32:36,289
How the fuck am I supposed
to get in here?

534
00:32:47,884 --> 00:32:49,177
Again?

535
00:32:49,803 --> 00:32:51,471
Mr. Darcy.

536
00:32:51,555 --> 00:32:52,556
Wow.

537
00:32:55,684 --> 00:32:56,768
Bridget.

538
00:32:57,561 --> 00:32:58,562
Mmm-hmm?

539
00:33:00,397 --> 00:33:02,190
God, I've missed you.

540
00:33:08,738 --> 00:33:10,574
Are we on schedule?

541
00:33:11,741 --> 00:33:13,994
I have a flight to
Khartoum tomorrow.

542
00:33:51,364 --> 00:33:54,201
<i>I'm so sorry, Mark.
Had to leave.</i>

543
00:33:54,367 --> 00:33:57,454
<i>Probably sounds pathetic,
but I got scared.</i>

544
00:33:57,621 --> 00:34:00,248
<i>The fact that we
went round and round
for the best part of 10 years</i>

545
00:34:00,415 --> 00:34:04,252
<i>without ever making it
across the finish line
leads me to think</i>

546
00:34:04,419 --> 00:34:07,422
<i>we did the best thing
by ending it when we did.</i>

547
00:34:09,257 --> 00:34:12,969
<i>Sometimes it feels scary
still being on my own at 43,</i>

548
00:34:13,136 --> 00:34:15,347
<i>but you and I have
been here once before.</i>

549
00:34:18,266 --> 00:34:20,393
<i>We always loved
the fantasy of us,</i>

550
00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:21,978
<i>but the reality,
as we both know,</i>

551
00:34:22,062 --> 00:34:23,563
<i>is quite different.</i>

552
00:34:24,522 --> 00:34:25,523
Ta-da!

553
00:34:31,988 --> 00:34:35,158
<i>We could both come up
with 100 reasons why
we didn't make it.</i>

554
00:34:35,325 --> 00:34:36,451
<i>But in the end...</i>

555
00:34:36,534 --> 00:34:40,997
<i>I always felt that
you were never there
and I was mostly alone.</i>

556
00:34:53,260 --> 00:34:56,137
<i>No, can't go back
and keep making same mistakes.</i>

557
00:34:56,304 --> 00:34:59,516
<i>Must keep moving forward
and make new ones.</i>

558
00:35:00,183 --> 00:35:03,353
<i>And will launch myself
into frenzied keep-fit regime.</i>

559
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:06,648
<i>Am allowing four weeks
to reduce thigh circumference</i>

560
00:35:06,856 --> 00:35:10,318
<i>in order to squeeze lardy arse
into teenage skinny jeans.</i>

561
00:35:10,819 --> 00:35:13,655
<i>Obviously not meant
for women of a certain age.</i>

562
00:35:15,115 --> 00:35:18,660
<i>All this bloody
cycling is pointless.
I'm putting on weight.</i>

563
00:35:18,827 --> 00:35:20,680
<i>Let's rule out some
of the other options,
shall we?</i>

564
00:35:20,704 --> 00:35:22,330
<i>You're not pregnant, are you?</i>

565
00:35:22,872 --> 00:35:24,207
Of course not.

566
00:35:24,666 --> 00:35:26,668
A lady is always prepared.

567
00:35:26,835 --> 00:35:29,337
And I always carry
these in my handbag.

568
00:35:29,504 --> 00:35:32,048
<i>Oh, God!
You didn't use those?</i>

569
00:35:32,215 --> 00:35:33,842
<i>The vegan condoms?</i>

570
00:35:34,009 --> 00:35:36,052
"Biodegradable and
dolphin-friendly."

571
00:35:36,219 --> 00:35:39,723
If I'm going to be slutty,
it's nice to think
I'm helping the environment.

572
00:35:39,806 --> 00:35:40,807
Christ.

573
00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:44,060
<i>Bridget, I remember
when you bought those!</i>

574
00:35:44,227 --> 00:35:45,812
<i>That was decades ago!</i>

575
00:35:45,979 --> 00:35:48,356
Sell-by dates
don't mean anything.

576
00:35:49,566 --> 00:35:50,567
Do they?

577
00:35:52,068 --> 00:35:53,069
They were a gift.

578
00:35:53,236 --> 00:35:54,529
Don't ask.

579
00:35:56,323 --> 00:35:57,991
Tumbling rapids,

580
00:35:58,158 --> 00:36:00,410
frothing waterfalls,

581
00:36:00,577 --> 00:36:02,787
a babbling brook!

582
00:36:05,749 --> 00:36:07,584
Oh, come the fuck on, Bridget.

583
00:36:20,430 --> 00:36:22,432
How long do you
think it takes?

584
00:36:24,768 --> 00:36:27,270
I think that's
a positive result.

585
00:36:31,524 --> 00:36:32,734
I'll just make sure.

586
00:36:32,901 --> 00:36:34,903
Oh, don't shake it.
You'll hurt the baby!

587
00:36:35,111 --> 00:36:37,364
The baby's not
in the stick, Bridget.

588
00:36:38,865 --> 00:36:42,744
I think this is when
you're meant to jump for joy.

589
00:36:43,703 --> 00:36:44,954
Oh, my God.

590
00:36:45,121 --> 00:36:46,581
Oh, my God.
You're pregnant.

591
00:36:46,748 --> 00:36:48,041
I'm pregnant?

592
00:36:48,208 --> 00:36:49,584
You're pregnant.

593
00:36:50,126 --> 00:36:51,628
I'm pregnant.

594
00:36:51,795 --> 00:36:53,755
You're going
to have a baby.

595
00:36:53,838 --> 00:36:56,466
I'm going to have a baby.

596
00:37:01,554 --> 00:37:03,056
I'm going to have a baby.

597
00:37:03,223 --> 00:37:04,224
Yeah.

598
00:37:08,395 --> 00:37:11,981
If you've got footage of her
punching a horse, I want it.

599
00:37:12,315 --> 00:37:13,983
Bridget,
do you want a baby?

600
00:37:14,150 --> 00:37:16,736
I don't know.

601
00:37:16,820 --> 00:37:18,655
I mean, I'm 43.

602
00:37:19,531 --> 00:37:22,200
It might be the only
chance I'm going to get.

603
00:37:22,617 --> 00:37:25,537
Look, one broken,
out-of-date condom

604
00:37:25,620 --> 00:37:27,664
I might have
believed was an accident.

605
00:37:28,623 --> 00:37:29,624
But two?

606
00:37:31,543 --> 00:37:32,877
You wanted it.

607
00:37:34,212 --> 00:37:35,713
Maybe I did.

608
00:37:37,298 --> 00:37:38,299
Ooh.

609
00:37:38,842 --> 00:37:40,343
Can we get a medic, please?

610
00:37:44,848 --> 00:37:48,518
<i>Oh, my God!
I'm pregnant!</i>

611
00:37:49,352 --> 00:37:50,979
<i>This is it!</i>

612
00:37:51,521 --> 00:37:54,691
<i>More to the point,
whose is it?</i>

613
00:37:55,483 --> 00:37:59,028
<i>This is not how I thought
this moment would be.</i>

614
00:37:59,737 --> 00:38:04,492
<i>Always imagined myself
in OK! magazine
with the man of my dreams.</i>

615
00:38:04,909 --> 00:38:07,704
<i>Oh, Christ.
Too many dilemmas to ponder.</i>

616
00:38:07,871 --> 00:38:12,208
<i>Not least of all,
who was that man
I shagged in a tent?</i>

617
00:38:13,293 --> 00:38:17,338
And so, your age will be 43?

618
00:38:17,714 --> 00:38:18,715
Mmm.

619
00:38:20,175 --> 00:38:21,176
Huh.

620
00:38:21,384 --> 00:38:27,265
So, um, which of the times
with my wonderful man

621
00:38:27,724 --> 00:38:29,559
do you think
we got pregnant on?

622
00:38:29,851 --> 00:38:31,144
Does it matter?

623
00:38:31,227 --> 00:38:34,981
Well, yes.
It's such a special moment.

624
00:38:35,064 --> 00:38:37,859
We'd like to know
which one it is,
so we can treasure it.

625
00:38:38,026 --> 00:38:40,028
Can't you
treasure both of them?

626
00:38:40,111 --> 00:38:41,112
Oh. Yes. We will.

627
00:38:41,279 --> 00:38:42,280
I mean, we do,

628
00:38:42,447 --> 00:38:46,576
but surely one of those dates
is more likely than the other?

629
00:38:47,744 --> 00:38:52,999
Uh, well, actually, day 10,
which was his birthday,
is a little early.

630
00:38:53,082 --> 00:38:55,919
And day 16, which was the...

631
00:38:56,085 --> 00:38:57,086
Anniversary dinner.

632
00:38:57,253 --> 00:39:00,423
Ah, yes. The osso buco,
I recall, is a little late.

633
00:39:00,590 --> 00:39:04,052
Are you sure there wasn't
another treasurable occasion
in between?

634
00:39:04,552 --> 00:39:07,764
Yes, I'm quite sure.
He was away.

635
00:39:09,432 --> 00:39:11,643
So, which of the two
would you go for?

636
00:39:11,809 --> 00:39:13,478
Couldn't say.
They're both equally likely.

637
00:39:13,603 --> 00:39:15,414
It could've been
after the events
because as you know

638
00:39:15,438 --> 00:39:17,774
sperm can live
for several days
after ejaculation.

639
00:39:18,233 --> 00:39:20,610
No.
Couldn't you just
have a guess for me?

640
00:39:20,818 --> 00:39:22,070
What about the first scan?

641
00:39:22,237 --> 00:39:24,447
Would that show
when conception took place?

642
00:39:24,614 --> 00:39:26,908
No. Ring this number
to fix a date.

643
00:39:26,991 --> 00:39:30,745
And do bring along the father
if you can work out
which one he is.

644
00:39:32,247 --> 00:39:33,456
Right.

645
00:39:34,415 --> 00:39:35,875
Right. Um...

646
00:39:36,543 --> 00:39:37,627
Just out of interest...

647
00:39:37,961 --> 00:39:38,962
Mmm?

648
00:39:39,462 --> 00:39:43,383
If someone did have
an element of confusion
about the father...

649
00:39:43,466 --> 00:39:45,802
Well, you can get a DNA sample
at the amniocentesis.

650
00:39:45,885 --> 00:39:49,681
And I do recommend
that you have
the amniocentesis

651
00:39:49,764 --> 00:39:52,084
because there are
always more risks
with a geriatric mother.

652
00:39:54,185 --> 00:39:55,478
"Geriatric"?

653
00:39:55,562 --> 00:39:57,313
Mmm.
That's outrageous.

654
00:39:57,480 --> 00:39:58,648
Indeed.

655
00:40:00,191 --> 00:40:02,360
Unless you can
sign on for your
child support

656
00:40:02,443 --> 00:40:04,529
and pension at the same time.

657
00:40:05,947 --> 00:40:07,448
That's hilarious.

658
00:40:09,617 --> 00:40:12,203
It's called "news"
'cause it should feel new.

659
00:40:12,370 --> 00:40:15,206
Otherwise,
it would be called "olds."

660
00:40:15,665 --> 00:40:16,666
Sorry.

661
00:40:18,042 --> 00:40:20,044
Last night, top stories.

662
00:40:20,211 --> 00:40:21,337
Earthquake in Asia.

663
00:40:21,504 --> 00:40:22,589
Seen it before.

664
00:40:22,672 --> 00:40:25,174
Car crash on the M5,
blah, blah, blah.

665
00:40:25,341 --> 00:40:26,467
We are making olds.

666
00:40:27,510 --> 00:40:29,304
We need to flip the switch,
mix it up.

667
00:40:29,470 --> 00:40:31,198
I want to NutriBullet
the shit out of the news.

668
00:40:31,222 --> 00:40:33,516
She's on the Warpath.
Susan the Floor Manager's
gone.

669
00:40:33,683 --> 00:40:35,852
She's six months pregnant.

670
00:40:36,019 --> 00:40:37,687
We've got to
grab the attention!

671
00:40:37,854 --> 00:40:39,480
Get the eyes on the screen!

672
00:40:39,647 --> 00:40:44,277
I want to see headlines like
"ls your sofa bed
giving you cancer?"

673
00:40:44,902 --> 00:40:47,488
"ls your freezer
giving you Alzheimer's?"

674
00:40:47,697 --> 00:40:49,198
Oh, my God. Are they?

675
00:40:49,365 --> 00:40:51,802
Literally no evidence
whatsoever, but you're
missing the point.

676
00:40:51,826 --> 00:40:53,077
You're intrigued, aren't you?

677
00:40:54,329 --> 00:40:58,207
I want to re-launch Hard <i>News</i>
with a clear new objective.

678
00:40:58,374 --> 00:41:01,419
We have
a presentation in 12 weeks
at the London Media Show,

679
00:41:01,586 --> 00:41:05,590
and I am looking
for someone dynamic,
innovative, focused,

680
00:41:06,382 --> 00:41:08,343
to lead the charge.
Any volunteers?

681
00:41:08,718 --> 00:41:11,346
<i>Whatever happens now,
must hold on to job.</i>

682
00:41:11,512 --> 00:41:14,557
<i>Must prove to fascist boss
that I may be single mother,</i>

683
00:41:14,724 --> 00:41:17,602
<i>but am willing
to roll with
the ironic-bearded hipsters.</i>

684
00:41:17,769 --> 00:41:18,853
Anybody at all?

685
00:41:20,396 --> 00:41:21,773
Do you need the loo, Bridget?

686
00:41:23,066 --> 00:41:24,734
No. I want to volunteer.

687
00:41:25,443 --> 00:41:27,570
♪ Let's do this.

688
00:41:36,871 --> 00:41:38,623
<i>It's me, it's me.
Turn on your TV now.</i>

689
00:41:38,790 --> 00:41:41,042
<i>Look at your TV.
Now! Now! Now!</i>

690
00:41:41,417 --> 00:41:42,752
<i>Turn on Channel 4.</i>

691
00:41:46,255 --> 00:41:50,093
<i>Bridget, I found him!
He's the dating website guru!</i>

692
00:41:50,259 --> 00:41:52,679
<i>See, you have to
trust the science.</i>

693
00:41:52,762 --> 00:41:54,347
<i>Algorithms don't lie.</i>

694
00:41:54,430 --> 00:41:57,475
<i>You only slept with
a fucking billionaire!</i>

695
00:42:00,478 --> 00:42:02,563
So, tell us,
Bridget, um,

696
00:42:02,897 --> 00:42:04,565
what was it that
initially attracted you

697
00:42:04,649 --> 00:42:06,275
to the billionaire,
Jack Quant?

698
00:42:06,442 --> 00:42:07,944
Was it his face or his body?

699
00:42:08,027 --> 00:42:09,088
Yeah. Well,
I'd do him, obviously.

700
00:42:09,112 --> 00:42:10,112
Big dick?

701
00:42:10,154 --> 00:42:11,914
If I were you,
I wouldn't tell
either of them.

702
00:42:12,323 --> 00:42:14,784
All you need's a DNA sample
from one of them.

703
00:42:14,951 --> 00:42:17,912
And then you can eliminate
the other one from
your enquiries.

704
00:42:18,079 --> 00:42:20,081
What would I say to Mark?

705
00:42:20,248 --> 00:42:22,500
"Hello, Mark. I know
I just left you asleep,

706
00:42:22,667 --> 00:42:24,186
"but I don't suppose
you've got any blood,

707
00:42:24,210 --> 00:42:26,462
"sperm, or old fingernails
lying around?"

708
00:42:26,754 --> 00:42:28,554
But how would you even
get in touch with Jack?

709
00:42:29,924 --> 00:42:31,175
Yeah.

710
00:42:31,968 --> 00:42:35,638
He is a bloody mogul.
Can't just ring him up.

711
00:42:37,098 --> 00:42:38,099
Oh!

712
00:42:38,182 --> 00:42:41,936
<i>May have just
worked out how to win
favor with new boss</i>

713
00:42:42,103 --> 00:42:44,939
<i>and eliminate one father
from my enquiries.</i>

714
00:42:45,314 --> 00:42:47,358
I have to say, Bridget.

715
00:42:47,525 --> 00:42:49,986
I'm actually excited
about this next guest.

716
00:42:50,153 --> 00:42:52,321
Relevant, relatable,

717
00:42:52,864 --> 00:42:55,158
extremely fuckable. Good work.

718
00:42:55,324 --> 00:42:58,536
Welcome to CSI Hard News.

719
00:42:58,703 --> 00:43:00,305
One minute left
on the VT now. Out on Simon.

720
00:43:00,329 --> 00:43:02,331
Bring in next five,
stand by. Thank you.

721
00:43:08,045 --> 00:43:09,773
Thank you, my love.
If you could
just fuck off,

722
00:43:09,797 --> 00:43:11,382
that would be great.

723
00:43:17,013 --> 00:43:19,307
Jack, this is Cathy.
She'll get you ready.

724
00:43:19,474 --> 00:43:20,683
- Hi, Cathy.
- Jack.

725
00:43:20,850 --> 00:43:22,202
Nice to meet you.
I was just thinking

726
00:43:22,226 --> 00:43:23,728
like a simple
magenta eye-shadow.

727
00:43:23,811 --> 00:43:26,731
Make your eyes pop,
and little bit
of rouge, maybe?

728
00:43:27,356 --> 00:43:29,233
Kidding.

729
00:43:29,525 --> 00:43:30,525
You're funny.

730
00:43:30,568 --> 00:43:31,628
Yeah, but you do
happen to have

731
00:43:31,652 --> 00:43:33,362
a little stray
gray hair there.

732
00:43:33,571 --> 00:43:35,364
There we are.
Ah! Jesus.

733
00:43:35,531 --> 00:43:36,657
That's it.

734
00:43:36,866 --> 00:43:39,261
Actually, there's a whole
gray patch up there.
Shall I just...

735
00:43:39,285 --> 00:43:40,804
Yeah. Let me see.
Let's just get in there.

736
00:43:40,828 --> 00:43:42,181
Yeah, my hair is
full of gray hair.

737
00:43:42,205 --> 00:43:43,247
That's it.
I've sorted it.

738
00:43:43,539 --> 00:43:44,624
Okay.

739
00:43:44,707 --> 00:43:46,125
Jesus Christ.
Okay.

740
00:43:46,209 --> 00:43:48,461
All gone.
Yeah, that's lovely. Oh.

741
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:51,672
These fingernails
on this silver fox

742
00:43:51,756 --> 00:43:53,516
could do with a bit of a trim,
couldn't they?

743
00:43:54,425 --> 00:43:57,804
These hands
haven't experienced
much manual labor, have they?

744
00:43:57,887 --> 00:43:59,222
No. I'm a mathematician.

745
00:43:59,388 --> 00:44:00,723
They're silky soft.

746
00:44:00,932 --> 00:44:02,517
Tell me, Jack.

747
00:44:03,768 --> 00:44:05,978
Do you happen to
like Chinese food?

748
00:44:07,438 --> 00:44:09,106
Jack. Let me take you to set.

749
00:44:09,273 --> 00:44:10,274
Great. Thank you.

750
00:44:10,441 --> 00:44:12,068
I do, sometimes.
Yes. Thank you.

751
00:44:12,193 --> 00:44:13,861
I don't think
she put any makeup on me.

752
00:44:13,945 --> 00:44:16,030
It's fine.
You look radiant.

753
00:44:18,574 --> 00:44:22,286
Okay. Coming out of
VT in five, four...
And remember the gear shift.

754
00:44:22,453 --> 00:44:23,663
And Miranda, cue.

755
00:44:23,830 --> 00:44:26,374
But now, though,
I'm joined by Jack Quant.

756
00:44:26,541 --> 00:44:28,292
Raised by a single
mother in Baltimore,

757
00:44:28,835 --> 00:44:31,462
he created the matchmaking
website, Qwantify,

758
00:44:31,629 --> 00:44:34,966
and he claims to have
found an algorithm for love.

759
00:44:35,132 --> 00:44:38,386
And he's here today
to tell us all about
his number one best-seller

760
00:44:38,803 --> 00:44:39,887
<i>Qwantum Leap.</i>

761
00:44:40,096 --> 00:44:44,183
It is absolutely wonderful
to have you on our sofa today.

762
00:44:44,267 --> 00:44:45,494
Thank you.
It's great to be here.

763
00:44:45,518 --> 00:44:48,229
Now, we'll talk all
about your new book soon.

764
00:44:48,396 --> 00:44:49,397
Obviously.
Yes.

765
00:44:49,564 --> 00:44:51,023
But first,
let's talk about romance.

766
00:44:51,274 --> 00:44:54,026
Qwantify has found
true love for millions.
Mmm.

767
00:44:54,318 --> 00:44:56,112
Coming to two.
Has it worked for you?

768
00:44:56,279 --> 00:44:58,990
Now if I answer that,
can we go back and
talk about the book?

769
00:44:59,156 --> 00:45:00,491
Maybe.

770
00:45:00,658 --> 00:45:02,869
Can you please try
not to shag him on air.

771
00:45:03,119 --> 00:45:05,079
This is dynamite.
Tell her to
flirt with him more.

772
00:45:05,204 --> 00:45:09,375
Some people had
their first crush
on Farrah Fawcett.

773
00:45:09,542 --> 00:45:12,169
My first crush
was an algorithm.

774
00:45:12,336 --> 00:45:14,481
And we've lost them!
If he carries on
talking about algorithms,

775
00:45:14,505 --> 00:45:16,883
I'm cutting to the VT
of cats who look like Hitler.

776
00:45:16,966 --> 00:45:18,151
Back to four.
Love it. Thank you.

777
00:45:18,175 --> 00:45:20,845
He's avoiding the question!
Get him off maths.

778
00:45:20,928 --> 00:45:23,264
Ask him if
he's with someone now.

779
00:45:23,347 --> 00:45:26,809
For someone so
good at matchmaking,

780
00:45:27,393 --> 00:45:30,062
is there a special
someone in your life?

781
00:45:30,229 --> 00:45:32,857
Apart from Lady Mary
on <i>Downton Abbey?</i>

782
00:45:33,024 --> 00:45:34,501
Now, can we go ahead
and talk about the book?

783
00:45:34,525 --> 00:45:35,610
Cue Hitler cats!

784
00:45:35,693 --> 00:45:36,736
Don't be evasive.

785
00:45:36,903 --> 00:45:38,279
Oh, don't be evasive.

786
00:45:38,446 --> 00:45:40,406
Uh, it's apparent
you have everything.

787
00:45:40,489 --> 00:45:42,325
Why have you chosen
to have no family...

788
00:45:42,491 --> 00:45:44,535
Why the decision to
have no family and...

789
00:45:44,619 --> 00:45:45,828
No children?

790
00:45:46,412 --> 00:45:47,663
And no children?

791
00:45:48,205 --> 00:45:49,874
Brilliant.
Zoom in on four.

792
00:45:50,291 --> 00:45:51,292
Go on four.
Love it.

793
00:45:51,834 --> 00:45:53,419
Look, I love kids.

794
00:45:53,628 --> 00:45:56,255
But I've always found
the idea of being a father

795
00:45:56,339 --> 00:45:57,965
myself kind of petrifying.

796
00:45:58,925 --> 00:46:01,093
Which is why I've been
drawn to algorithms.

797
00:46:01,260 --> 00:46:02,845
Cue Hitler cats!

798
00:46:03,012 --> 00:46:05,681
They're rational,
reliable, predictable.

799
00:46:06,307 --> 00:46:08,309
Everything a kid isn't.

800
00:46:08,726 --> 00:46:09,977
So, can you have children?

801
00:46:10,186 --> 00:46:11,906
And can you have children,
though? I mean...

802
00:46:12,271 --> 00:46:14,273
Are the soldiers working?

803
00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:16,776
Are the soldiers working?

804
00:46:16,901 --> 00:46:17,902
What?

805
00:46:19,403 --> 00:46:20,571
Well, I believe so.

806
00:46:21,864 --> 00:46:25,159
The barracks are in
pretty regular use.

807
00:46:25,326 --> 00:46:26,619
Really?
Really?

808
00:46:26,786 --> 00:46:27,828
Yes.

809
00:46:27,912 --> 00:46:30,331
Because for someone
with a supposed
algorithm for love...

810
00:46:30,414 --> 00:46:32,667
Isn't it odd that
you've never found it?

811
00:46:32,875 --> 00:46:34,919
Well, I think in
order to find something,

812
00:46:35,002 --> 00:46:36,545
you have to be
actively looking for it.

813
00:46:36,629 --> 00:46:38,673
I've just been too busy,
so I haven't.

814
00:46:38,839 --> 00:46:41,258
What about
the Quant family bloodline?

815
00:46:41,425 --> 00:46:42,986
And what about
the Quant family bloodline?

816
00:46:43,010 --> 00:46:45,221
Are there any
skeletons in the closet?

817
00:46:45,304 --> 00:46:46,305
Sexual deviants?

818
00:46:46,430 --> 00:46:48,349
Sexual deviants?

819
00:46:48,516 --> 00:46:51,435
I'm sorry. I don't know
where we're going
with all of this,

820
00:46:51,602 --> 00:46:54,647
but I have to tell you,
I can attract
the wrong type of women.

821
00:46:56,065 --> 00:46:59,568
That's really great.
Thanks for sharing that
with us.

822
00:47:00,653 --> 00:47:01,654
Fuck.

823
00:47:01,821 --> 00:47:03,531
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

824
00:47:03,698 --> 00:47:04,818
Bridget, what are you doing?

825
00:47:04,949 --> 00:47:07,535
You wouldn't believe
some of the weirdos
that cross my path.

826
00:47:07,702 --> 00:47:08,703
Really?

827
00:47:08,786 --> 00:47:10,162
Get up!
Fuck, fuck.

828
00:47:10,246 --> 00:47:11,526
Can you tell me
what she's doing?

829
00:47:11,831 --> 00:47:13,249
Ask him something
about algorithms.

830
00:47:13,916 --> 00:47:15,636
This has to be
the last question. Has to be.

831
00:47:16,168 --> 00:47:18,212
Lastly, algorithms.

832
00:47:19,880 --> 00:47:22,425
Yes.
What first
attracted you to them?

833
00:47:22,591 --> 00:47:23,926
The logic, and...
Wonderful.

834
00:47:24,093 --> 00:47:26,679
Jack Quant,
thank you for
coming on my sofa.

835
00:47:26,762 --> 00:47:28,514
I hope you've had as
much fun as I have.

836
00:47:28,597 --> 00:47:29,597
Jesus.

837
00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:31,600
That's it from me. Goodbye.

838
00:47:34,020 --> 00:47:35,021
That was great.

839
00:47:35,146 --> 00:47:37,982
You look really familiar,
outside of being on the show.

840
00:47:38,149 --> 00:47:39,191
Are you on Tinder?

841
00:47:39,275 --> 00:47:40,276
What?

842
00:47:40,401 --> 00:47:42,319
Then we won't have met.
No. Okay.

843
00:47:47,742 --> 00:47:49,182
Well, hey!
How about seeing you here.

844
00:47:49,285 --> 00:47:52,246
Hi.
Great to see you.

845
00:47:52,413 --> 00:47:53,456
Great to see you, too.

846
00:47:53,622 --> 00:47:55,958
I was going to come
and find you to say hello,

847
00:47:56,042 --> 00:47:58,919
but you know how live TV
can be so chaotic!

848
00:47:59,003 --> 00:48:01,023
Well, you know
there are easier ways
of getting in touch with me

849
00:48:01,047 --> 00:48:04,884
than inviting
me on national TV
and asking me about my sperm.

850
00:48:04,967 --> 00:48:07,928
No. That's not what... No.

851
00:48:08,012 --> 00:48:10,347
I would have liked to
have heard from you.

852
00:48:10,806 --> 00:48:14,727
I was disappointed
when I came back
that morning and you'd gone.

853
00:48:14,935 --> 00:48:16,187
You were?

854
00:48:16,353 --> 00:48:18,314
We had an amazing night.

855
00:48:19,190 --> 00:48:20,733
And I thought you were great.

856
00:48:20,900 --> 00:48:22,359
At least I did
until I became a clip

857
00:48:22,526 --> 00:48:25,696
of the 50 most embarrassing
chat show moments of all time.

858
00:48:26,989 --> 00:48:30,076
Really sorry about that.
Yes, that, um...

859
00:48:31,535 --> 00:48:35,206
I don't know
how to, uh, explain. Um...

860
00:48:41,337 --> 00:48:42,671
I'm pregnant.

861
00:48:44,173 --> 00:48:45,925
Wow. Okay.

862
00:48:48,010 --> 00:48:51,388
That's so much better than
you being mentally unbalanced.

863
00:48:51,555 --> 00:48:54,725
I'm about 12 weeks.

864
00:48:58,104 --> 00:49:00,231
Oh. Right. Wow.

865
00:49:02,608 --> 00:49:04,985
So, you mean
it's the music festival.

866
00:49:05,194 --> 00:49:06,195
Yes.

867
00:49:06,737 --> 00:49:09,031
I know,
it's quite a surprise!

868
00:49:09,907 --> 00:49:10,908
Yes. Um...

869
00:49:11,367 --> 00:49:12,368
But, um...

870
00:49:13,160 --> 00:49:15,246
I'm fine.

871
00:49:15,329 --> 00:49:18,582
And you should know
that I don't... I'm not...

872
00:49:18,666 --> 00:49:20,918
I'm not looking for
anything from you.

873
00:49:21,127 --> 00:49:23,129
Well, except for
a complete DNA check

874
00:49:23,212 --> 00:49:25,214
and review of
my medical records.

875
00:49:25,798 --> 00:49:27,758
Well, the thing is
that I didn't mean

876
00:49:27,842 --> 00:49:30,678
for you to find out
about this yet.

877
00:49:31,095 --> 00:49:35,182
And I'm feeling, um,
a bit foolish right now.

878
00:49:35,349 --> 00:49:39,019
Mortified, actually.
Yes. I'm mortified.

879
00:49:40,813 --> 00:49:44,900
And, um, I'd like to just
retreat gracefully.

880
00:49:45,067 --> 00:49:47,153
Mr. Quant,
will you sign my book?

881
00:49:47,778 --> 00:49:48,779
Um...
Please.

882
00:49:48,904 --> 00:49:50,364
Oh, <i>God.</i>

883
00:49:50,531 --> 00:49:53,492
<i>I didn't even tell him
he may not be the only daddy.</i>

884
00:49:53,784 --> 00:49:54,994
I love this book.

885
00:49:55,077 --> 00:49:58,372
Hey, Katie Couric!
I need to talk to you!

886
00:49:59,498 --> 00:50:02,001
<i>What if this DNA
turns out to be Jack's?</i>

887
00:50:02,084 --> 00:50:03,836
<i>Do I want
the father to be Jack?</i>

888
00:50:04,003 --> 00:50:05,713
<i>I don't even know Jack.</i>

889
00:50:06,005 --> 00:50:07,673
<i>And what if it's Mark Darcy's?</i>

890
00:50:07,840 --> 00:50:09,758
<i>Christ.
I'll have to confess to him</i>

891
00:50:09,842 --> 00:50:11,677
<i>I've been a whore
with dolphin condoms.</i>

892
00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:12,761
Good.

893
00:50:13,345 --> 00:50:14,555
So, the baby's okay?

894
00:50:14,722 --> 00:50:15,723
Perfect.

895
00:50:16,974 --> 00:50:18,142
See?

896
00:50:18,934 --> 00:50:20,978
Oh, my God. Is that it?

897
00:50:21,145 --> 00:50:22,438
Mmm-hmm.

898
00:50:27,026 --> 00:50:28,569
And it's all right?

899
00:50:28,777 --> 00:50:31,280
Sound as a bell.
Cooking nicely.

900
00:50:31,989 --> 00:50:33,157
Have a listen.

901
00:50:39,622 --> 00:50:42,875
There you are.
I've recorded that for you.

902
00:50:43,042 --> 00:50:44,282
You can watch
that for a moment.

903
00:50:47,004 --> 00:50:49,423
So glad you've decided
on the amniocentesis.

904
00:50:52,051 --> 00:50:53,886
Hello, you.

905
00:50:55,471 --> 00:50:57,348
Is that your ear or your foot?

906
00:50:58,265 --> 00:51:00,726
You have got very big feet.

907
00:51:02,478 --> 00:51:05,648
Oh, and look at you,
waving already.

908
00:51:05,940 --> 00:51:06,982
Hi.

909
00:51:12,696 --> 00:51:15,324
You're the best thing
I've ever seen.

910
00:51:19,078 --> 00:51:22,331
I promise I'll try my best.

911
00:51:23,290 --> 00:51:27,586
So, you just stay safe
and snug in there

912
00:51:28,504 --> 00:51:31,257
while I try and
sort the mess out here.

913
00:51:31,423 --> 00:51:33,217
And hopefully...

914
00:51:34,635 --> 00:51:36,053
What the fuck is that?

915
00:51:36,679 --> 00:51:38,472
Um, it's the amniocentesis
needle.

916
00:51:38,973 --> 00:51:42,643
We just pop it in,
take a little amniotic fluid,
test it for any abnormalities,

917
00:51:42,810 --> 00:51:44,436
and also the DNA sample
that you require.

918
00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:47,523
Now, there is the slightest
risk of miscarriage.

919
00:51:47,648 --> 00:51:49,251
So, you'll have to stay
very still indeed because

920
00:51:49,275 --> 00:51:50,752
we don't want
the needle to
come into contact...

921
00:51:50,776 --> 00:51:53,028
What? No, no.

922
00:51:53,320 --> 00:51:56,073
I'm not taking that chance.
And it's enormous.

923
00:51:56,240 --> 00:51:58,033
It'd go straight
through the other side.

924
00:51:58,575 --> 00:52:01,036
Come on, I'm taking you home.

925
00:52:05,874 --> 00:52:07,668
Your mother will
be over the moon.

926
00:52:07,835 --> 00:52:11,547
Will you promise not to
tell her? Just not yet.

927
00:52:11,714 --> 00:52:13,882
No, no.
Of course. No, no. I promise.

928
00:52:14,425 --> 00:52:16,010
Really sorry, Dad.

929
00:52:16,593 --> 00:52:18,512
Not to know
about the father.

930
00:52:19,138 --> 00:52:20,848
Don't be daft.

931
00:52:21,015 --> 00:52:23,392
I know dozens of people
who could have been anybody's.

932
00:52:23,934 --> 00:52:26,103
So, you're not disappointed?

933
00:52:26,270 --> 00:52:28,689
<i>You don't think</i>
I <i>belong on Jerry Springer?</i>

934
00:52:28,897 --> 00:52:30,941
Not a bit. I'm thrilled.

935
00:52:32,192 --> 00:52:34,153
Actually,
I'm not sure if you're mine,

936
00:52:34,320 --> 00:52:37,906
or that nice
Lieutenant Colonel's
who ran the bowls club.

937
00:52:38,073 --> 00:52:39,074
Hmm.

938
00:52:39,408 --> 00:52:42,286
Only joking.
You've got my feet.

939
00:52:42,578 --> 00:52:44,496
I've always had
very dainty feet.

940
00:52:47,082 --> 00:52:49,126
Just tell the truth,
Bridget.

941
00:52:49,668 --> 00:52:52,004
Can't go too far wrong
telling the truth.

942
00:53:03,307 --> 00:53:06,143
<i>"Mark,
I have some exciting news. "</i>

943
00:53:06,268 --> 00:53:09,355
<i>"Mark, I have the funniest
story to tell you."</i>

944
00:53:09,521 --> 00:53:11,482
<i>"Mark, I'm up the duff."</i>

945
00:53:12,191 --> 00:53:14,068
My Lords, my Ladies.

946
00:53:14,318 --> 00:53:17,446
There is only one fraud
committed here today
and it is this.

947
00:53:17,613 --> 00:53:22,076
To use the laws of one country
to destroy the freedom
of speech of another.

948
00:53:22,993 --> 00:53:24,787
A cynical political
expedient to take away

949
00:53:24,870 --> 00:53:26,580
the right of these
brave young women

950
00:53:26,747 --> 00:53:30,167
to speak the truth
about the country they love.

951
00:53:31,001 --> 00:53:33,921
Now you may not
like their music.

952
00:53:34,463 --> 00:53:36,632
And for that,
I cannot blame you.

953
00:53:36,965 --> 00:53:40,427
They may not have mastered
the fundamentals of melody,

954
00:53:40,594 --> 00:53:42,805
or even the most basic
tenets of musicianship.

955
00:53:42,971 --> 00:53:47,684
But this is
the land of Shakespeare,
Orwell, Lawrence.

956
00:53:48,435 --> 00:53:51,188
<i>Oh. I'd forgotten
just how hot he is
in that wig and gown.</i>

957
00:53:51,355 --> 00:53:52,898
...to any country,

958
00:53:53,065 --> 00:53:56,235
any ruler,
any despot, that here,
in the United Kingdom,

959
00:53:56,402 --> 00:53:59,363
we will always
defend and protect
women such as these

960
00:53:59,530 --> 00:54:02,533
who have selflessly
and courageously
risked their liberty

961
00:54:02,699 --> 00:54:04,701
and quite possibly their lives

962
00:54:06,412 --> 00:54:08,080
to tell the truth.

963
00:54:08,163 --> 00:54:11,041
The court will now adjourn
and judgment will be
given in due course.

964
00:54:11,166 --> 00:54:13,419
Poonani! Poonani!
Power to the Poonani!

965
00:54:13,502 --> 00:54:14,503
Poonani!

966
00:54:14,628 --> 00:54:16,755
Christ. I'm looking
forward to going back

967
00:54:16,839 --> 00:54:18,549
to some good
old-fashioned genocide.

968
00:54:19,425 --> 00:54:22,511
Silence! Silence!

969
00:54:27,474 --> 00:54:29,601
<i>Right.
How to do this?</i>

970
00:54:29,768 --> 00:54:31,128
I wasn't expecting
to see you again

971
00:54:31,186 --> 00:54:32,771
after the events
at the christening.

972
00:54:32,938 --> 00:54:34,231
<i>Crap.
He's dived right in.</i>

973
00:54:34,398 --> 00:54:37,192
No. Right. I understand.

974
00:54:37,401 --> 00:54:38,902
<i>Okay.
Maybe flattery will work.</i>

975
00:54:39,069 --> 00:54:40,779
You were very impressive
in there today.

976
00:54:40,946 --> 00:54:42,197
Thank you.

977
00:54:42,990 --> 00:54:44,717
Although dealing with them
over the last month

978
00:54:44,741 --> 00:54:47,578
has given me
a certain amount of sympathy
for the totalitarian dictator

979
00:54:47,744 --> 00:54:49,371
who wants to silence them.

980
00:54:50,372 --> 00:54:53,542
<i>Okay. Jokes.
Will laugh harder next time.</i>

981
00:54:54,042 --> 00:54:56,545
There's only
a certain number of times
one can listen

982
00:54:57,004 --> 00:55:00,841
<i>to the resolutely un-catchy
Menstruation, Castration,
Liberation.</i>

983
00:55:02,551 --> 00:55:03,760
Mark.

984
00:55:03,927 --> 00:55:06,638
That's hilariously funny.

985
00:55:13,312 --> 00:55:14,313
Please.

986
00:55:23,489 --> 00:55:24,490
So...

987
00:55:25,365 --> 00:55:27,409
So, Mark.

988
00:55:27,534 --> 00:55:28,535
Yes.

989
00:55:31,121 --> 00:55:32,873
The gardens look lovely.

990
00:55:33,123 --> 00:55:34,124
Autumnal.

991
00:55:34,374 --> 00:55:35,375
Yes.

992
00:55:35,501 --> 00:55:37,336
Is that a conker tree?

993
00:55:37,544 --> 00:55:38,879
Bridget.

994
00:55:44,384 --> 00:55:45,385
I...

995
00:55:46,386 --> 00:55:48,305
Am pregnant.

996
00:55:51,016 --> 00:55:52,017
Right.

997
00:55:53,268 --> 00:55:55,020
Congratulations.

998
00:55:56,021 --> 00:55:57,147
How can I help?

999
00:55:58,941 --> 00:56:00,567
I'm three months pregnant.

1000
00:56:03,362 --> 00:56:04,363
Oh.

1001
00:56:06,031 --> 00:56:07,366
You mean the christening?

1002
00:56:09,660 --> 00:56:10,953
Right.

1003
00:56:14,248 --> 00:56:15,749
Would you excuse me
for just a moment?

1004
00:56:16,625 --> 00:56:17,626
Mmm.

1005
00:56:39,064 --> 00:56:40,440
I think that this
is quite possibly

1006
00:56:40,524 --> 00:56:42,001
the most wonderful
piece of information

1007
00:56:42,025 --> 00:56:44,820
I have ever
received in my entire life.

1008
00:56:45,654 --> 00:56:46,655
Oh!

1009
00:56:47,656 --> 00:56:49,283
Okay.

1010
00:56:49,700 --> 00:56:51,076
Of course,
I've got no expectations

1011
00:56:51,159 --> 00:56:52,411
for how things
should work out.

1012
00:56:52,494 --> 00:56:54,746
I just thought
you should know.

1013
00:56:54,871 --> 00:56:55,998
No, of course.

1014
00:56:58,458 --> 00:57:00,460
I mean, how do you feel?
Are you happy?

1015
00:57:00,794 --> 00:57:02,796
Yes, lam.

1016
00:57:03,005 --> 00:57:05,966
But so much has happened
in the past 10 years.

1017
00:57:06,133 --> 00:57:09,344
A lot has changed.
I mean, you've been married,

1018
00:57:09,511 --> 00:57:14,433
and I've been
on a number of
long-haul holidays.

1019
00:57:15,017 --> 00:57:16,018
But, um...

1020
00:57:16,351 --> 00:57:17,436
<i>So here goes on Jack.</i>

1021
00:57:17,519 --> 00:57:19,396
And, I mean...
No, I know that.

1022
00:57:20,606 --> 00:57:22,107
It's just,
right now, I can't quite

1023
00:57:22,190 --> 00:57:23,692
bring myself to
feel gloomy about it.

1024
00:57:37,331 --> 00:57:40,959
<i>How can I tell him now?</i>

1025
00:57:45,380 --> 00:57:47,549
<i>State of emergency,
cannot sleep.</i>

1026
00:57:47,716 --> 00:57:49,556
<i>Looping thoughts
going round and round in head.</i>

1027
00:57:49,718 --> 00:57:52,929
<i>It's surely weird
that you can do something
as complicated and important</i>

1028
00:57:53,096 --> 00:57:54,640
<i>as growing a baby
or invading Iraq</i>

1029
00:57:54,723 --> 00:57:56,183
<i>without any
instruction at all.</i>

1030
00:57:57,059 --> 00:57:58,745
<i>Keep thinking all the alcohol
I've drunk over the years</i>

1031
00:57:58,769 --> 00:58:01,229
<i>will give the baby
fetal alcohol syndrome.</i>

1032
00:58:01,396 --> 00:58:02,773
<i>These are
the things I could do.</i>

1033
00:58:03,440 --> 00:58:04,733
<i>Tell Mark about Jack,</i>

1034
00:58:04,900 --> 00:58:07,235
<i>but risk hurting him so badly,
I couldn't live with myself.</i>

1035
00:58:07,402 --> 00:58:08,945
<i>Not tell Mark about Jack?</i>

1036
00:58:09,112 --> 00:58:10,757
<i>But I'd never be able
to go through with it.</i>

1037
00:58:10,781 --> 00:58:12,741
<i>Tell both of them
the other one is the father,</i>

1038
00:58:12,908 --> 00:58:15,369
<i>and then if the one
who isn't the father
is upset about it...</i>

1039
00:58:18,205 --> 00:58:21,541
<i>Oh, Christ. Tell no one
and make a run for it.</i>

1040
00:58:22,793 --> 00:58:23,794
Hello?

1041
00:58:23,877 --> 00:58:26,129
<i>Hey! It's the father
of your child.</i>

1042
00:58:27,130 --> 00:58:28,173
Jack?

1043
00:58:28,256 --> 00:58:29,633
<i>Yeah. Who else?</i>

1044
00:58:30,634 --> 00:58:31,885
Come up.

1045
00:58:32,636 --> 00:58:33,762
<i>Okay-</i>

1046
00:58:37,599 --> 00:58:38,684
<i>Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.</i>

1047
00:58:38,767 --> 00:58:42,979
<i>He's probably employed a team
of Google Earth detectives
to find me.</i>

1048
00:58:43,063 --> 00:58:44,981
<i>Okay. Just act naturally.</i>

1049
00:58:50,779 --> 00:58:51,780
Hi.

1050
00:58:51,863 --> 00:58:52,948
Hi.

1051
00:58:53,448 --> 00:58:54,574
Come in.

1052
00:58:54,741 --> 00:58:55,742
Okay.

1053
00:58:58,787 --> 00:59:00,956
You found it.

1054
00:59:01,123 --> 00:59:02,749
Try it on. See if it fits.

1055
00:59:06,086 --> 00:59:07,087
Wow.

1056
00:59:09,506 --> 00:59:11,425
I didn't expect to see you.

1057
00:59:11,591 --> 00:59:15,637
I wasn't expecting to come.
I'm not used to
being rejected.

1058
00:59:16,138 --> 00:59:17,139
Twice.

1059
00:59:19,933 --> 00:59:22,269
I hope you've got
cake in that bag.

1060
00:59:29,109 --> 00:59:30,777
I've been doing
a lot of thinking.

1061
00:59:32,779 --> 00:59:35,949
Bridget,
this whole baby situation
threw me initially.

1062
00:59:36,116 --> 00:59:38,827
We squashed
an entire relationship
into one night

1063
00:59:38,994 --> 00:59:42,205
and skipped straight
to starting-the-family phase.

1064
00:59:42,372 --> 00:59:45,250
We never even had
a real second date.

1065
00:59:47,043 --> 00:59:48,170
Just so you know, if we did,

1066
00:59:49,629 --> 00:59:52,132
I would have taken
you to Ottolenghi.
Oh.

1067
00:59:52,215 --> 00:59:56,178
You would have had
the grilled salmon
and pine-nut salsa.

1068
00:59:56,511 --> 00:59:59,055
Unbelievable and healthy.
Oh.

1069
00:59:59,222 --> 01:00:04,686
And we would
have come back here,
had incredible sex,

1070
01:00:04,811 --> 01:00:08,982
spent the next couple days
sending each other
filthy texts.

1071
01:00:20,994 --> 01:00:23,663
I would not have
let you do that
on a second date.

1072
01:00:23,830 --> 01:00:26,541
Why not?
You let me on the first.

1073
01:00:26,708 --> 01:00:30,754
And then we'd go
on a naughty weekend
to the seaside,

1074
01:00:30,921 --> 01:00:35,342
and I would prove
my manliness by winning
you a cuddly toy.

1075
01:00:35,425 --> 01:00:37,385
Aw.
At the pier.

1076
01:00:37,552 --> 01:00:39,262
But I really wanted
the giant Scooby-Doo.

1077
01:00:39,429 --> 01:00:42,224
Oh, nobody wins those.
Coconuts are glued on.

1078
01:00:51,566 --> 01:00:52,734
What are those for?

1079
01:00:53,109 --> 01:00:54,861
To apologize.

1080
01:00:55,028 --> 01:00:56,613
We had our first fight.

1081
01:00:57,197 --> 01:00:59,407
I was not flirting
with that waitress.

1082
01:00:59,574 --> 01:01:02,285
She means nothing to me.

1083
01:01:06,957 --> 01:01:07,958
And then,

1084
01:01:09,417 --> 01:01:11,795
I would have bought

1085
01:01:12,587 --> 01:01:14,881
Swedish furniture
for us to make.

1086
01:01:16,550 --> 01:01:20,220
If we can get through this,
we can get through anything.

1087
01:01:20,303 --> 01:01:22,055
Anything.

1088
01:01:22,722 --> 01:01:24,057
I'd find it
adorable how your neck

1089
01:01:24,140 --> 01:01:25,620
gets all blotchy
when you get nervous.

1090
01:01:26,434 --> 01:01:30,605
And I know you'd be
the greatest possible
mother to my child.

1091
01:02:02,679 --> 01:02:03,680
Oh, no.

1092
01:02:03,847 --> 01:02:06,933
<i>Cannot fall in love
with shiny new American.</i>

1093
01:02:07,100 --> 01:02:09,978
<i>I'll tell them both tomorrow.
Definitely.</i>

1094
01:02:11,855 --> 01:02:12,856
Hi.

1095
01:02:12,939 --> 01:02:14,232
So, I just wanted
to connect

1096
01:02:14,316 --> 01:02:16,276
to check how
the presentation
is shaping up.

1097
01:02:16,359 --> 01:02:20,155
Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Totally
on top of it. NutriBullet-ing
the shit out of it.

1098
01:02:20,363 --> 01:02:21,990
I'm relying on you, Bridget.

1099
01:02:22,157 --> 01:02:23,843
I need you to get this right.
Do you understand?

1100
01:02:23,867 --> 01:02:26,536
100%. You can count on me.

1101
01:02:27,162 --> 01:02:28,204
Great.

1102
01:02:33,126 --> 01:02:34,127
You all right?

1103
01:02:35,670 --> 01:02:37,172
I'm fine.

1104
01:02:37,339 --> 01:02:39,174
Big celebration.

1105
01:02:39,466 --> 01:02:41,384
I so glad to see
you back together, huh?

1106
01:02:41,551 --> 01:02:42,719
Certainly is, Gianni.

1107
01:02:42,886 --> 01:02:44,054
Wonderful news, huh?

1108
01:02:46,014 --> 01:02:47,557
I was thinking about "Jack."

1109
01:02:48,141 --> 01:02:49,142
Huh?

1110
01:02:49,351 --> 01:02:51,186
If it's a boy,
after my grandfather.

1111
01:02:51,353 --> 01:02:54,314
It's a good strong name.
You can rely on a Jack.

1112
01:02:54,648 --> 01:02:56,733
Yes. One for the list.

1113
01:02:56,900 --> 01:02:58,234
To Jack.
To Jack!

1114
01:02:59,986 --> 01:03:00,987
Oh!

1115
01:03:01,071 --> 01:03:02,530
So, this is Dad, I presume.

1116
01:03:02,697 --> 01:03:03,865
So glad you could be here.

1117
01:03:04,032 --> 01:03:06,534
This is a unique
and wonderful moment.

1118
01:03:06,701 --> 01:03:07,702
Dr. Rawlings,

1119
01:03:07,827 --> 01:03:11,289
I wonder if you could
maybe do me a little favor?

1120
01:03:11,373 --> 01:03:12,374
Mmm.

1121
01:03:13,083 --> 01:03:15,377
So, this is Dad, I presume.

1122
01:03:15,543 --> 01:03:18,046
Pleased to meet you.
I'm so glad you could be here.

1123
01:03:18,213 --> 01:03:22,717
This is a unique
and wonderful moment.

1124
01:03:23,176 --> 01:03:25,845
Before we start,
would you like
to know the sex?

1125
01:03:26,012 --> 01:03:27,180
Maybe we should be prepared.

1126
01:03:27,389 --> 01:03:29,057
You know, I'm not sure.
It's a boy.

1127
01:03:29,224 --> 01:03:30,308
Oh.
A boy!

1128
01:03:30,392 --> 01:03:31,518
A boy!
A boy!

1129
01:03:31,893 --> 01:03:33,144
A boy.
A boy!

1130
01:03:33,228 --> 01:03:34,229
- Aw.
- Aw.

1131
01:03:34,896 --> 01:03:36,481
My boy.

1132
01:03:38,942 --> 01:03:40,068
<i>Okay. Right.</i>

1133
01:03:40,235 --> 01:03:43,154
<i>This time,
I have to tell them.
Will start with Jack.</i>

1134
01:03:43,571 --> 01:03:45,490
<i>Have invited him
to big scary
work presentation.</i>

1135
01:03:45,573 --> 01:03:48,034
<i>And will explain
all afterwards.</i>

1136
01:03:51,037 --> 01:03:52,372
Welcome.

1137
01:03:52,455 --> 01:03:55,959
In a digital age
where every cell
phone is a camera,

1138
01:03:56,042 --> 01:03:57,794
we are all broadcasters.

1139
01:03:58,211 --> 01:04:00,880
Hard <i>News</i> is partnering
with the London Media Show

1140
01:04:01,047 --> 01:04:04,134
so that you will be able
to use your smartphones

1141
01:04:04,300 --> 01:04:06,886
to create your own
news broadcasting channels!

1142
01:04:07,429 --> 01:04:10,265
Simply download
the new Hard <i>News</i> app

1143
01:04:10,432 --> 01:04:12,726
and broadcast
directly to our studios

1144
01:04:12,892 --> 01:04:18,064
where Miranda is waiting
for our first ever
live simulcast.

1145
01:04:18,231 --> 01:04:22,277
And hello, everyone,
live at the London Media Show,

1146
01:04:22,444 --> 01:04:27,115
and welcome to the new look
of Hard News studio.

1147
01:04:28,116 --> 01:04:29,617
We are now live!

1148
01:04:29,784 --> 01:04:32,787
And yes,
our viewers are broadcasting.

1149
01:04:33,455 --> 01:04:36,291
<i>Right.
Let's now go to the Grampians</i>

1150
01:04:36,458 --> 01:04:40,336
where Adam
Wollaston is leading
a team of Venture Rangers

1151
01:04:40,503 --> 01:04:42,505
to the top of Ben Nevis.

1152
01:04:43,173 --> 01:04:45,425
Hello, Adam Wollaston!

1153
01:04:45,967 --> 01:04:48,136
Hard News <i>sucks balls!</i>

1154
01:04:51,097 --> 01:04:52,098
Jesus!

1155
01:04:52,265 --> 01:04:56,394
Oh, dear. Well, let's
put that news story
firmly behind us.

1156
01:05:04,986 --> 01:05:06,821
Technical glitch.

1157
01:05:10,158 --> 01:05:14,496
Of course,
it's never been easier
to email or text the show.

1158
01:05:14,662 --> 01:05:16,706
Just search "Hard News,"

1159
01:05:17,540 --> 01:05:20,001
or simply,

1160
01:05:20,293 --> 01:05:21,294
Because“.

1161
01:05:21,503 --> 01:05:22,504
Uh...

1162
01:05:23,129 --> 01:05:25,298
Because“.

1163
01:05:25,465 --> 01:05:27,801
<i>Holy fuck!
What's he doing here?</i>

1164
01:05:29,177 --> 01:05:32,514
Because at Hard <i>News,</i>
we believe...

1165
01:05:34,015 --> 01:05:38,019
We believe that we are ready
and on the frontline,

1166
01:05:38,353 --> 01:05:41,648
asking the questions
the world wants answers to.

1167
01:05:49,364 --> 01:05:50,365
Turn around.

1168
01:06:01,626 --> 01:06:02,627
Thank you.

1169
01:06:03,378 --> 01:06:06,005
<i>Okay.
Career down the toilet.</i>

1170
01:06:06,089 --> 01:06:10,426
<i>Both men in the same room.
What could possibly go wrong?</i>

1171
01:06:14,722 --> 01:06:17,100
I hope you don't mind
my just showing up
and surprising you.

1172
01:06:17,267 --> 01:06:18,601
No.

1173
01:06:18,685 --> 01:06:20,228
Anyway, well done.
It was very...

1174
01:06:20,436 --> 01:06:21,437
Yes.

1175
01:06:21,521 --> 01:06:22,564
Hey.

1176
01:06:23,189 --> 01:06:24,440
...technically adroit.

1177
01:06:25,275 --> 01:06:28,987
Mark, I would love
for you to meet...

1178
01:06:29,821 --> 01:06:30,822
Uh...

1179
01:06:37,078 --> 01:06:41,416
Ari Yaratra Sitharamthanthan.

1180
01:06:41,583 --> 01:06:47,088
Ariyaranta is
the Area Manager for DTC
Technological Solutions.

1181
01:06:47,589 --> 01:06:50,592
Aren't you, Ari Sinatra?

1182
01:06:54,304 --> 01:06:55,805
Hi.
Hello.

1183
01:06:55,889 --> 01:06:56,890
Hey.

1184
01:06:58,933 --> 01:07:00,602
What the hell was that?

1185
01:07:01,060 --> 01:07:02,061
What were you thinking?

1186
01:07:02,312 --> 01:07:05,148
I've got four voice mails
from David Cartwright
on my phone

1187
01:07:05,231 --> 01:07:07,031
that I dare not listen to.
I'll be right back.

1188
01:07:07,066 --> 01:07:08,610
You call that
a presentation?

1189
01:07:08,693 --> 01:07:10,129
I don't know if I've got
the right people around me

1190
01:07:10,153 --> 01:07:11,154
because you're not...

1191
01:07:11,237 --> 01:07:13,031
Alice,
I'm so sorry, but...

1192
01:07:13,114 --> 01:07:14,490
Sorry doesn't cut it.
Excuse me.

1193
01:07:14,657 --> 01:07:15,926
Look at me when
I'm talking to you.

1194
01:07:15,950 --> 01:07:16,951
Excuse me?

1195
01:07:17,118 --> 01:07:19,078
I'm so sorry,
but I really...

1196
01:07:20,747 --> 01:07:21,789
What?

1197
01:07:22,665 --> 01:07:25,501
Bridget, I'd like
you to meet Jack Quant.
He's rather extraordinary.

1198
01:07:25,668 --> 01:07:27,921
I was just reading
a profile of him
in The New Yorker.

1199
01:07:28,087 --> 01:07:29,964
Right. Yes.
We actually know each other.

1200
01:07:30,131 --> 01:07:31,466
Yes. We certainly do.

1201
01:07:31,633 --> 01:07:33,736
Good job.
Why didn't you introduce me
to this man before?

1202
01:07:33,760 --> 01:07:37,000
He's brilliant. You know, he
represents the punk-rock band
that's being extradited.

1203
01:07:37,138 --> 01:07:38,139
That's right.

1204
01:07:38,306 --> 01:07:39,807
Yes, yes. I knew that, too.

1205
01:07:40,433 --> 01:07:42,977
Hi. We met
fleetingly before as well.

1206
01:07:43,144 --> 01:07:46,147
I'm in charge of
data management
for most of Daventry.

1207
01:07:46,439 --> 01:07:47,440
On.

1208
01:07:47,565 --> 01:07:48,942
Well, um...

1209
01:07:49,525 --> 01:07:52,028
I must say it's fantastic
that you're getting on so well

1210
01:07:52,195 --> 01:07:53,947
because you have
a lot in common.

1211
01:07:54,489 --> 01:07:58,493
Shall we get out of here
and find a place
a bit quieter?

1212
01:07:58,660 --> 01:08:00,286
Uh, yes.
Why not? I booked Gianni's.

1213
01:08:00,453 --> 01:08:02,538
Great.
That sounds lovely.

1214
01:08:03,331 --> 01:08:04,332
Oh. Um...

1215
01:08:04,624 --> 01:08:08,503
You might have to sit
this one out, Ari...

1216
01:08:08,670 --> 01:08:09,837
I'm sorry.

1217
01:08:16,010 --> 01:08:18,554
So, do you
actually believe that
mathematics can...

1218
01:08:18,721 --> 01:08:20,306
How did you put it
in your book?

1219
01:08:20,473 --> 01:08:23,184
"Help us analyze behavior
previously invisible
to science"?

1220
01:08:23,685 --> 01:08:25,603
Well, my dating
algorithm is to help people

1221
01:08:25,687 --> 01:08:27,689
find love,
not necessarily replace it.

1222
01:08:28,189 --> 01:08:30,191
Oh, no. ls incredible idea.

1223
01:08:30,358 --> 01:08:32,860
Have you ever tried it out?

1224
01:08:34,696 --> 01:08:36,072
You're single, right?

1225
01:08:36,864 --> 01:08:38,366
Well, I'm...

1226
01:08:38,533 --> 01:08:40,243
Yes, I suppose so.

1227
01:08:41,035 --> 01:08:42,578
And how did you two meet?

1228
01:08:44,539 --> 01:08:46,374
Oh.

1229
01:08:47,125 --> 01:08:48,126
Yeah.

1230
01:08:49,502 --> 01:08:50,503
It's, um...

1231
01:08:52,380 --> 01:08:55,717
It's sort of a funny story.
Sort of.

1232
01:08:59,679 --> 01:09:02,265
You see, um, a few months ago,
on the fourth of the month,

1233
01:09:02,432 --> 01:09:04,726
I met Jack at
a music festival.

1234
01:09:04,851 --> 01:09:05,852
Right.

1235
01:09:06,019 --> 01:09:08,021
And we got on very well.

1236
01:09:08,187 --> 01:09:11,858
And sort of
had, um, relations.

1237
01:09:12,233 --> 01:09:16,195
And the next week,
that is to say,
on the 11th of the month

1238
01:09:16,362 --> 01:09:18,531
at Jude's baby christening
to be exact,

1239
01:09:18,698 --> 01:09:20,908
uh, following the consumption
of quite a lot of alcohol,

1240
01:09:21,075 --> 01:09:24,162
Mark and I, well,
we had similar relations?

1241
01:09:25,913 --> 01:09:28,916
And this is
the funny part, I suppose.

1242
01:09:29,083 --> 01:09:31,461
Owing to these relations,

1243
01:09:31,627 --> 01:09:34,130
uh, the resulting life form
currently residing in my tummy

1244
01:09:34,297 --> 01:09:37,300
could actually,
in fact, be either of yours.

1245
01:09:46,559 --> 01:09:48,895
I know I should have
told you both before.

1246
01:09:51,230 --> 01:09:52,940
But I just didn't.

1247
01:09:54,776 --> 01:09:56,277
You both seemed so happy.

1248
01:09:56,903 --> 01:09:58,112
So, correct me if I'm wrong,

1249
01:09:58,196 --> 01:10:00,477
but did you just say
that the baby could
be either of ours?

1250
01:10:04,243 --> 01:10:08,706
So, you have no idea
which of us is
actually the father?

1251
01:10:12,293 --> 01:10:14,462
I know,
it's all very confusing.

1252
01:10:16,130 --> 01:10:17,173
I'm sorry.

1253
01:10:17,256 --> 01:10:18,257
I'm sorry.

1254
01:10:20,343 --> 01:10:23,638
So, however we choose,
uh, to do this,

1255
01:10:27,475 --> 01:10:29,644
the most important
thing now is this.

1256
01:10:29,811 --> 01:10:31,062
Is this.

1257
01:10:34,482 --> 01:10:36,943
Okay, Bridget, I'm not gonna
pretend this isn't a shock.

1258
01:10:38,986 --> 01:10:42,782
But I want you to know,
whatever the circumstance,
you're right.

1259
01:10:43,991 --> 01:10:46,077
The most important
thing is the baby.

1260
01:10:47,328 --> 01:10:49,372
Who knows, this could
be a great adventure.

1261
01:10:50,498 --> 01:10:53,584
I'm afraid you're going
to have to excuse me.
I have a meeting.

1262
01:10:55,128 --> 01:10:56,129
Oh. Uh...

1263
01:10:59,173 --> 01:11:00,216
I'm sorry.

1264
01:11:00,383 --> 01:11:01,509
Mark. Um...

1265
01:11:08,516 --> 01:11:10,226
Gianni, can we have
the bill, please?

1266
01:11:20,278 --> 01:11:21,946
<i>And if I thought
that was tricky,</i>

1267
01:11:22,029 --> 01:11:23,823
<i>how would
the news go down at Mum's</i>

1268
01:11:23,906 --> 01:11:25,658
<i>parish council
election campaign?</i>

1269
01:11:26,242 --> 01:11:29,203
Honestly,
we started half an hour ago.
Where have you been?

1270
01:11:29,370 --> 01:11:30,705
You said it was an emergency?

1271
01:11:30,788 --> 01:11:32,790
Well,
The Gazette wants to take
a family portrait.

1272
01:11:32,874 --> 01:11:33,875
What are you wearing?

1273
01:11:36,210 --> 01:11:37,545
Oh, my God.
Bridget, are you...

1274
01:11:37,712 --> 01:11:38,880
Yep.

1275
01:11:39,505 --> 01:11:40,590
Oh!
Yeah.

1276
01:11:41,257 --> 01:11:43,092
Why didn't you say anything?

1277
01:11:44,385 --> 01:11:45,761
Well,
didn't want to upset you.

1278
01:11:45,928 --> 01:11:47,513
Well, why would you?

1279
01:11:48,389 --> 01:11:49,557
Oh, no, Bridget.

1280
01:11:49,724 --> 01:11:50,850
Who's the father?

1281
01:11:51,517 --> 01:11:53,561
It's not Mark, is it?
Oh, do say it is.

1282
01:11:53,728 --> 01:11:55,605
Well, there's
at least a 50% chance.

1283
01:11:55,771 --> 01:11:57,231
"A 50% chance"?

1284
01:11:57,398 --> 01:11:59,609
Mark or this really
nice American called Jack.

1285
01:11:59,775 --> 01:12:03,571
No, Bridget. An American?
Did you have a three-way?

1286
01:12:04,780 --> 01:12:06,032
Mrs. Jones.

1287
01:12:07,950 --> 01:12:11,287
Here, take this and
pretend everything's fine.

1288
01:12:11,412 --> 01:12:12,413
Everything is fine.

1289
01:12:12,747 --> 01:12:14,248
Mrs. Jones. Can we...

1290
01:12:14,665 --> 01:12:16,751
Look, here's a lovely
place for you to stand.

1291
01:12:20,922 --> 01:12:21,964
Are you ashamed of me?

1292
01:12:22,089 --> 01:12:24,634
No, darling.
It's just the circumstances.

1293
01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:27,720
I'm running for
high office, you see.

1294
01:12:30,640 --> 01:12:31,766
So long.

1295
01:12:32,433 --> 01:12:34,894
It's not the 1950s.

1296
01:12:35,436 --> 01:12:36,562
Look around you.

1297
01:12:36,646 --> 01:12:40,316
Two lesbians have
just adopted at number 32.

1298
01:12:41,108 --> 01:12:42,753
If you don't change
the way you look at things,

1299
01:12:42,777 --> 01:12:44,946
you're going to lose
your precious election,

1300
01:12:45,655 --> 01:12:47,573
and perhaps your daughter.

1301
01:12:50,284 --> 01:12:53,079
Bridget, so lovely
to see you.
Are you...

1302
01:12:53,246 --> 01:12:55,248
Yes. I am.

1303
01:12:55,414 --> 01:12:59,252
How wonderful.
We thought you'd just
got all fat again.

1304
01:13:03,005 --> 01:13:05,132
<i>BRIDGET. I'm now
the Mary Magdalene
of Middle England.</i>

1305
01:13:05,424 --> 01:13:07,802
<i>Have alienated
Mum and Mark Darcy.</i>

1306
01:13:08,094 --> 01:13:09,804
<i>Am like tropical female insect</i>

1307
01:13:09,971 --> 01:13:12,098
<i>that shags men to
impregnate self,
then eats them.</i>

1308
01:13:12,473 --> 01:13:13,558
<i>The question is,</i>

1309
01:13:13,641 --> 01:13:16,978
<i>will Mark even turn up
and engage in our
polyamorous family?</i>

1310
01:13:24,986 --> 01:13:25,987
Hey!

1311
01:13:26,070 --> 01:13:27,071
Hello!

1312
01:13:27,863 --> 01:13:29,323
First prenatal class.

1313
01:13:30,491 --> 01:13:31,617
Exciting, huh?

1314
01:13:31,784 --> 01:13:32,827
Yeah!

1315
01:13:33,369 --> 01:13:34,370
Wow.

1316
01:13:34,996 --> 01:13:36,581
You look great.

1317
01:13:43,337 --> 01:13:44,630
Hello.
Hello!

1318
01:13:46,048 --> 01:13:47,717
Oh, I'm so glad you came.

1319
01:13:47,883 --> 01:13:49,343
Yeah, me, too.

1320
01:13:49,510 --> 01:13:51,387
Brought you an iced tea.
Oh, well!

1321
01:13:51,554 --> 01:13:52,680
Thank you.

1322
01:13:54,932 --> 01:13:56,475
It's awesome
to see you, man.

1323
01:13:57,018 --> 01:13:59,520
But there's a heck of a lot
of caffeine in that tea.

1324
01:13:59,729 --> 01:14:03,024
I brought you
a super juice.

1325
01:14:03,107 --> 01:14:04,108
Oh!

1326
01:14:04,317 --> 01:14:05,318
Thank you!

1327
01:14:07,695 --> 01:14:08,863
Um... Shall we go in?

1328
01:14:09,030 --> 01:14:11,157
Why not?
Sure.
Let me carry that for you.

1329
01:14:11,240 --> 01:14:12,533
Oh. Thank you.

1330
01:14:12,700 --> 01:14:14,535
Can I carry
your phone for you?

1331
01:14:15,244 --> 01:14:16,746
Okay.

1332
01:14:18,748 --> 01:14:19,874
Thank you.

1333
01:14:20,916 --> 01:14:23,044
And who do we have here then?

1334
01:14:23,252 --> 01:14:27,340
I'm Bridget
and this is Jack.

1335
01:14:27,882 --> 01:14:30,551
And this is Mark.

1336
01:14:31,469 --> 01:14:33,638
Oh!

1337
01:14:33,721 --> 01:14:34,930
Lovely.

1338
01:14:35,139 --> 01:14:37,516
You're our second
same-sex couple today!

1339
01:14:41,187 --> 01:14:42,730
Uh, no,
actually, we're...

1340
01:14:42,897 --> 01:14:44,023
Absolutely!

1341
01:14:44,106 --> 01:14:47,652
We just need
the gift of a baby
to make us feel complete.

1342
01:14:48,235 --> 01:14:49,445
You must be the surrogate?

1343
01:14:50,279 --> 01:14:51,656
Exactly. Yes.

1344
01:14:51,739 --> 01:14:55,076
Just helping this
wonderful couple
make their dream come true.

1345
01:14:55,242 --> 01:14:56,952
See, Mark is very nervous
about all this.

1346
01:14:57,119 --> 01:14:59,580
It's all new to you,
isn't it, lamb chop?

1347
01:15:01,874 --> 01:15:05,628
<i>Like all visionaries,
we'll encounter bumps
along the road.</i>

1348
01:15:05,920 --> 01:15:08,589
How would you
like to give birth
to your placenta?

1349
01:15:08,756 --> 01:15:09,924
Quickly!

1350
01:15:34,907 --> 01:15:36,450
Are you okay?
Are you sure?

1351
01:15:37,118 --> 01:15:38,661
<i>And of course,
massage can have</i>

1352
01:15:38,744 --> 01:15:40,830
<i>many benefits
throughout pregnancy.</i>

1353
01:15:40,996 --> 01:15:42,164
Can we name some of them?

1354
01:15:42,331 --> 01:15:45,126
Yes. It relieves stress
and promotes
feel-good hormones.

1355
01:15:45,292 --> 01:15:47,479
And is also to be avoided
in cases of
high-risk pregnancy.

1356
01:15:47,503 --> 01:15:49,630
For example,
when there is
a geriatric mother.

1357
01:15:49,797 --> 01:15:52,842
Right! Excellent.
Someone's been reading up.

1358
01:15:53,008 --> 01:15:54,135
Would you like to have a go?

1359
01:15:54,301 --> 01:15:56,011
No, I think I'll let
Jack get on with it.

1360
01:15:56,095 --> 01:15:57,763
I think he seems
to have it covered.

1361
01:15:57,930 --> 01:16:01,183
That's very sweet of you.
That's why I love you,
my little teacup.

1362
01:16:03,728 --> 01:16:05,521
<i>What if we asked
the right question</i>

1363
01:16:05,604 --> 01:16:07,314
<i>and applied
the laws of mathematics</i>

1364
01:16:07,481 --> 01:16:09,775
<i>so that
the science of courtship
could be quantified?</i>

1365
01:16:19,285 --> 01:16:20,536
<i>Uh-oh!</i>

1366
01:16:33,048 --> 01:16:34,258
<i>Yippee!</i>

1367
01:16:34,341 --> 01:16:35,551
<i>It's a match!</i>

1368
01:16:48,147 --> 01:16:49,148
Oh.

1369
01:17:07,374 --> 01:17:09,084
May I please
make an application

1370
01:17:09,168 --> 01:17:10,836
for leave to
appeal in the case of

1371
01:17:11,003 --> 01:17:14,048
Her Majesty's Government
and Saddiq Al Bashir.

1372
01:17:14,924 --> 01:17:17,843
As Your Lordship is no doubt
aware, Mr. Al Bashir lost...

1373
01:17:18,219 --> 01:17:19,512
So, everything's
all right?

1374
01:17:19,678 --> 01:17:22,056
Yes, well,
it's this combination.

1375
01:17:22,223 --> 01:17:26,685
Gherkins,
anchovies, banana juice,
and Pringles!

1376
01:17:27,228 --> 01:17:28,979
So, essentially...

1377
01:17:29,063 --> 01:17:30,064
It's wind.

1378
01:17:30,147 --> 01:17:31,148
Huh.

1379
01:17:31,899 --> 01:17:34,401
Right. So, going forward,

1380
01:17:35,361 --> 01:17:38,113
regular Pringles,
not hot spicy barbecue?

1381
01:17:38,280 --> 01:17:40,115
Or possibly
no Pringles at all.

1382
01:17:40,282 --> 01:17:41,408
- Try that.
- Ugh.

1383
01:17:44,620 --> 01:17:47,039
Ah! Is everything all right?
Is Bridget okay?

1384
01:17:47,164 --> 01:17:48,582
Yes. Perfectly fine.

1385
01:17:48,749 --> 01:17:49,834
She in there with...

1386
01:17:49,917 --> 01:17:51,752
That's Dr. Pringle.

1387
01:17:52,419 --> 01:17:54,064
He's testing her blood.
This is interesting.

1388
01:17:54,088 --> 01:17:56,757
This is a new
bedside technique
we're testing out of Oslo.

1389
01:17:56,924 --> 01:17:58,008
It's Norwegian...

1390
01:17:58,092 --> 01:18:00,028
It's all right.
I know about Jack.
Thank you, Doctor.

1391
01:18:00,052 --> 01:18:02,513
Oh, thank goodness.
Why didn't you tell me?
She's fine.

1392
01:18:02,680 --> 01:18:04,890
He's calmed her down
completely actually.

1393
01:18:05,099 --> 01:18:07,476
I'm sorry.
I got your messages.
I was in court.

1394
01:18:07,560 --> 01:18:08,561
Oh.

1395
01:18:10,187 --> 01:18:11,188
Oh.

1396
01:18:11,564 --> 01:18:14,483
Hi. It's all right.
Can't be helped.

1397
01:18:18,946 --> 01:18:20,281
You should get it.

1398
01:18:20,447 --> 01:18:22,116
It might be work.

1399
01:18:25,035 --> 01:18:26,745
Don't worry. I got it covered.

1400
01:18:26,871 --> 01:18:28,414
Yes, I can see that!

1401
01:18:29,331 --> 01:18:32,042
Wow. Okay.
You need to chill out.

1402
01:18:32,710 --> 01:18:34,295
We have to do this together.

1403
01:18:34,920 --> 01:18:37,381
You know, in Peru,
the Um Bat Do
consider paternity

1404
01:18:37,548 --> 01:18:39,300
a task shared
between the many tribesmen.

1405
01:18:39,466 --> 01:18:41,635
Well, unfortunately,
we Um Bat Don't live in Peru.

1406
01:18:41,802 --> 01:18:43,178
I live in Ealing.

1407
01:18:44,305 --> 01:18:47,141
Negative energy is
just so bad for the baby.

1408
01:18:49,935 --> 01:18:52,479
Stop it, both of you!

1409
01:18:52,813 --> 01:18:54,815
This isn't a competition.

1410
01:18:56,817 --> 01:18:58,652
She's right.

1411
01:18:58,903 --> 01:19:01,906
We should take
this toxic energy
out of the room.

1412
01:19:09,997 --> 01:19:11,624
I won't be a minute.

1413
01:19:23,844 --> 01:19:25,262
What's up?

1414
01:19:25,346 --> 01:19:26,597
Come on, buddy.

1415
01:19:27,765 --> 01:19:28,807
Why are you so angry?

1416
01:19:30,434 --> 01:19:32,311
You know what?
I'm really not your buddy.

1417
01:19:32,478 --> 01:19:35,856
And I don't know
about vibes or negative
energy or prenatal wind

1418
01:19:36,023 --> 01:19:37,483
and even less
about algorithms.

1419
01:19:37,650 --> 01:19:40,527
So, I will confess that
the laws of attraction
are somewhat beyond me.

1420
01:19:41,278 --> 01:19:44,031
In fact, Bridget defies
comprehension generally.

1421
01:19:44,114 --> 01:19:45,824
But despite,
or perhaps, owing to

1422
01:19:45,950 --> 01:19:47,385
the bewildering
litany of catastrophes

1423
01:19:47,409 --> 01:19:48,803
I've witnessed over
the last 40 years,

1424
01:19:48,827 --> 01:19:50,180
I feel I've come to
know Bridget rather well,

1425
01:19:50,204 --> 01:19:52,331
and I've spent those years
caring for her very deeply.

1426
01:19:52,498 --> 01:19:53,975
And that may defy
automated reasoning,

1427
01:19:53,999 --> 01:19:55,477
but there's nothing
I can do about it.

1428
01:19:55,501 --> 01:19:56,752
Nothing you can do about it?

1429
01:19:56,835 --> 01:19:58,271
Maybe you should try
and stay around a little

1430
01:19:58,295 --> 01:20:00,130
instead of saving
the world by cell phone.

1431
01:20:00,297 --> 01:20:01,382
I make her happy, Mark.

1432
01:20:01,548 --> 01:20:03,133
And I suppose your
algorithm tells you

1433
01:20:03,217 --> 01:20:04,777
you're destined to
be together, does it?

1434
01:20:04,885 --> 01:20:06,136
Actually, it does.

1435
01:20:06,220 --> 01:20:08,448
The fact that you've been
trying and failing for
the past 1 O years

1436
01:20:08,472 --> 01:20:09,473
tells me you are not.

1437
01:20:09,974 --> 01:20:11,016
No.

1438
01:20:11,100 --> 01:20:12,559
I don't want to
fight with you.

1439
01:20:15,896 --> 01:20:17,576
We should think about
Bridget and the baby.

1440
01:20:18,190 --> 01:20:20,043
For better or worse,
fate has brought us together.

1441
01:20:20,067 --> 01:20:22,236
It wasn't fate,
it was condoms.

1442
01:20:23,028 --> 01:20:24,029
What do you mean?

1443
01:20:24,196 --> 01:20:25,590
Those ridiculous
dolphin-friendly things

1444
01:20:25,614 --> 01:20:27,241
from the bottom
of Bridget's bag.

1445
01:20:28,325 --> 01:20:30,345
I'm sorry, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

1446
01:20:30,369 --> 01:20:31,829
When Bridget and I
got it on,

1447
01:20:32,788 --> 01:20:34,832
I was not dressed
for the occasion.

1448
01:21:18,042 --> 01:21:19,460
No Mark today?

1449
01:21:19,543 --> 01:21:20,586
No.

1450
01:21:25,758 --> 01:21:27,676
<i>We must thank one person</i>

1451
01:21:27,760 --> 01:21:30,262
<i>who was prepared
to fight for us
when no one else would.</i>

1452
01:21:30,721 --> 01:21:33,849
<i>And we say to that
person with all our heart...</i>

1453
01:21:37,978 --> 01:21:39,480
<i>Free speech!</i>

1454
01:21:43,942 --> 01:21:45,819
Bridget. Camera back.

1455
01:21:47,654 --> 01:21:51,075
I still can't believe
Mark ducked out like that.

1456
01:21:51,408 --> 01:21:53,160
Well,
it's not really his fault.

1457
01:21:53,577 --> 01:21:58,123
I suppose we just have to
hope it's Jack's, right?

1458
01:21:59,166 --> 01:22:00,626
I mean, let's face it.

1459
01:22:00,793 --> 01:22:04,004
Things could be worse.
He is pretty fucking amazing.

1460
01:22:04,171 --> 01:22:07,257
He's richer than God,
and he has a very
nice-sized puppet.

1461
01:22:07,424 --> 01:22:08,842
He does.

1462
01:22:09,426 --> 01:22:12,179
And we match up
very nicely on paper.

1463
01:22:13,347 --> 01:22:14,640
How do you know?

1464
01:22:15,140 --> 01:22:16,517
You just have to have faith.

1465
01:22:16,683 --> 01:22:18,185
You just have to
ask yourself,

1466
01:22:18,352 --> 01:22:23,273
"Can I see myself
growing old with this guy

1467
01:22:23,982 --> 01:22:25,818
"and not Mark Darcy?"

1468
01:22:28,362 --> 01:22:30,989
There it is. Uh-oh!
There we go.

1469
01:22:38,664 --> 01:22:40,707
Oh, hey!
Oh.

1470
01:22:41,041 --> 01:22:44,128
You know, first few months,
they only see black and white.

1471
01:22:44,211 --> 01:22:46,547
This will help
stimulate spatial awareness.

1472
01:22:47,047 --> 01:22:49,216
Or early onset
motion sickness.

1473
01:22:50,843 --> 01:22:53,554
I got him one of these.
A bouncy chair.

1474
01:22:53,887 --> 01:22:55,389
Ah!

1475
01:22:55,848 --> 01:22:58,725
Not quite sure where
we're going to put it.

1476
01:22:59,017 --> 01:23:00,018
Yeah.

1477
01:23:00,185 --> 01:23:01,186
About that,

1478
01:23:02,563 --> 01:23:05,899
uh, it's kind of
cramped in here,
don't you think?

1479
01:23:08,402 --> 01:23:09,653
It's cozy.

1480
01:23:12,239 --> 01:23:13,907
You know,
I've been thinking...

1481
01:23:14,992 --> 01:23:17,536
Might be nice if
we moved in together.

1482
01:23:18,245 --> 01:23:20,414
You think
we're ready for that?

1483
01:23:20,581 --> 01:23:24,084
I'm just tired of
living in hotel rooms
and airport lounges.

1484
01:23:25,335 --> 01:23:26,753
We could be a family.

1485
01:23:27,880 --> 01:23:30,048
Me, you and him.

1486
01:23:31,341 --> 01:23:32,676
What do you say?

1487
01:23:38,390 --> 01:23:39,766
What if it's not yours?

1488
01:23:40,350 --> 01:23:41,435
What?

1489
01:23:41,518 --> 01:23:44,062
What if the baby
turns out to be Mark's?

1490
01:23:49,359 --> 01:23:52,070
Well, I mean,
it would certainly
change things.

1491
01:23:56,950 --> 01:23:59,369
Is that what you want?
For it to be Mark's?

1492
01:23:59,786 --> 01:24:01,038
Oh. Uh...

1493
01:24:05,584 --> 01:24:07,336
Are you in love with him?

1494
01:24:10,756 --> 01:24:12,549
I have been.

1495
01:24:12,716 --> 01:24:14,176
In the past.

1496
01:24:16,595 --> 01:24:17,930
And me?

1497
01:24:20,349 --> 01:24:23,477
I could be one day.

1498
01:24:31,985 --> 01:24:35,489
Bridget, I haven't been
entirely honest with you.

1499
01:24:37,115 --> 01:24:38,533
Mark thinks
the baby isn't his,

1500
01:24:38,617 --> 01:24:40,911
and I let him
believe it was mine.

1501
01:24:41,578 --> 01:24:43,789
That's why he disappeared.

1502
01:24:47,709 --> 01:24:48,794
Why would he think that?

1503
01:24:48,961 --> 01:24:52,547
Because I let him.
Because I wanted
you for myself.

1504
01:24:54,258 --> 01:24:55,259
Oh.

1505
01:24:56,134 --> 01:24:58,512
We could be so good
for each other.

1506
01:25:00,472 --> 01:25:02,349
97%.

1507
01:25:04,726 --> 01:25:06,311
On paper.

1508
01:25:07,020 --> 01:25:09,314
But falling in love
doesn't happen on paper.

1509
01:25:11,566 --> 01:25:13,443
Sometimes you love a person

1510
01:25:13,610 --> 01:25:16,863
because of all the reasons
they're not like you.

1511
01:25:19,950 --> 01:25:21,052
And sometimes
you love a person

1512
01:25:21,076 --> 01:25:23,870
just because
they feel like home.

1513
01:25:27,874 --> 01:25:29,793
I've got to find Mark.

1514
01:25:36,341 --> 01:25:39,344
Hello, Pierce.
It's Bridget.

1515
01:25:39,511 --> 01:25:40,711
I'm trying to
get hold of Mark.

1516
01:25:40,846 --> 01:25:42,514
<i>He just got back
from</i> a <i>trip, Bridget.</i>

1517
01:25:42,597 --> 01:25:44,474
<i>He's in a taxi
on his way home.</i>

1518
01:26:18,925 --> 01:26:19,926
Hi.

1519
01:27:04,971 --> 01:27:07,808
Approximately
eight weeks to go.

1520
01:27:08,767 --> 01:27:09,768
Mmm.

1521
01:27:13,563 --> 01:27:15,607
You don't really
need them, you know.

1522
01:27:15,690 --> 01:27:18,127
All they're good for
is fitting car seats
and blaming things on.

1523
01:27:18,151 --> 01:27:20,362
They really just get
in the way after that.

1524
01:27:21,363 --> 01:27:24,658
You're absolutely capable
of doing this on your own.

1525
01:27:26,493 --> 01:27:27,536
I did.

1526
01:27:46,638 --> 01:27:49,933
<i>You know what?
I can do this on my own.</i>

1527
01:27:50,183 --> 01:27:52,310
<i>We can do this on our own.</i>

1528
01:27:52,853 --> 01:27:54,187
<i>One of the perks
of being pregnant</i>

1529
01:27:54,271 --> 01:27:57,065
<i>is no longer feel like
a tragic, lonely spinster</i>

1530
01:27:57,232 --> 01:27:59,818
<i>because of miniature
miracle growing inside.</i>

1531
01:28:00,318 --> 01:28:01,319
Hello.

1532
01:28:01,570 --> 01:28:02,821
Hello!

1533
01:28:04,990 --> 01:28:08,326
Mum's throwing
a Christmas
party/political rally.

1534
01:28:08,493 --> 01:28:10,704
It's like the G8
summit with Scotch eggs.

1535
01:28:11,288 --> 01:28:13,832
Oh.
Be brave. Go in.

1536
01:28:14,499 --> 01:28:16,168
Hello, darling!
Hello.

1537
01:28:16,334 --> 01:28:20,005
Sorry, I didn't
realize everyone was here.
I'll just pop upstairs.

1538
01:28:20,172 --> 01:28:23,341
No, nonsense. Nonsense.

1539
01:28:23,884 --> 01:28:26,595
Una's had all
the posters re-printed.

1540
01:28:27,429 --> 01:28:28,930
- Oh.
- You've inspired me.

1541
01:28:29,014 --> 01:28:30,640
It's still so long.

1542
01:28:30,724 --> 01:28:32,726
You were quite right,
as it turns out.

1543
01:28:32,893 --> 01:28:35,312
This place is teeming
with single mothers,
single fathers,

1544
01:28:35,395 --> 01:28:37,481
bisexuals, surrogates,

1545
01:28:37,647 --> 01:28:38,732
and they're all lovely.

1546
01:28:38,899 --> 01:28:40,192
And so normal.

1547
01:28:40,358 --> 01:28:42,503
Do you know, I've even got
two homosexuals on the team?

1548
01:28:42,527 --> 01:28:43,528
No, thank you.

1549
01:28:43,695 --> 01:28:45,530
Who knew?
Everybody.

1550
01:28:47,449 --> 01:28:49,618
I'm so proud of you,
darling, you know that?

1551
01:28:50,076 --> 01:28:51,276
What you're doing is not easy.

1552
01:28:51,411 --> 01:28:53,246
But if anyone can
make it work, it's you.

1553
01:28:54,247 --> 01:28:58,168
That child is
the luckiest boy on earth
to have you as his mum.

1554
01:28:58,335 --> 01:28:59,395
And he's going
to have the love

1555
01:28:59,419 --> 01:29:01,838
of a million fathers
with you by his side.

1556
01:29:02,047 --> 01:29:03,048
Oh...

1557
01:29:03,507 --> 01:29:06,134
Come on.
We've got some
campaigning to do.

1558
01:29:06,426 --> 01:29:10,013
Make way, make way.
Single pregnant
mother coming through.

1559
01:29:11,848 --> 01:29:13,767
Laura, Josh.

1560
01:29:14,059 --> 01:29:17,729
We need to give six minutes
to General Lu Tong, okay?

1561
01:29:17,896 --> 01:29:19,523
It's a huge scoop.

1562
01:29:19,689 --> 01:29:21,566
Yeah. Alice wants to
pull the interview.
What?

1563
01:29:21,650 --> 01:29:24,861
She's got a feature on
"ls the world really
ending on Tuesday?"

1564
01:29:25,070 --> 01:29:28,406
Well, it may as well
if we lose Lu Tong.
Lu Tong stays.

1565
01:29:28,573 --> 01:29:30,992
Six minutes.
Let's do this.

1566
01:29:32,369 --> 01:29:34,621
General Lu Tong. Hi!

1567
01:29:34,788 --> 01:29:38,542
Sorry it's so
chaotic in here today.
Thank you for coming on.

1568
01:29:38,708 --> 01:29:40,794
We're on live in two minutes.

1569
01:29:40,961 --> 01:29:42,796
Miranda will
probably want to start

1570
01:29:42,879 --> 01:29:45,465
with what's going
on in Naypyidaw.

1571
01:29:45,882 --> 01:29:47,842
Miranda,
get back on General Lu Tong.

1572
01:29:47,968 --> 01:29:48,969
Keep pressing.

1573
01:29:49,469 --> 01:29:52,264
So, let me ask you
one more time,
General Lu Tong,

1574
01:29:52,430 --> 01:29:55,517
will you take responsibility
for the human rights abuses

1575
01:29:55,684 --> 01:29:57,561
perpetrated by
your own government?

1576
01:29:57,727 --> 01:30:00,564
He's on the rack.
Tight on four.
Get those beads of sweat.

1577
01:30:00,647 --> 01:30:01,648
<i>In you go,
four, push in.</i>

1578
01:30:01,773 --> 01:30:04,401
I'm sorry.
I can't answer that.

1579
01:30:05,235 --> 01:30:06,987
Can't or won't, Lu Tong?

1580
01:30:07,153 --> 01:30:09,155
Can't or won't,
General Lu Tong?

1581
01:30:09,322 --> 01:30:11,700
On balance
I'd suggest "can't"

1582
01:30:11,866 --> 01:30:14,953
considering I've just found
General Lu Tong in the lobby

1583
01:30:15,120 --> 01:30:16,955
and his chauffeur is
currently live on-air

1584
01:30:17,122 --> 01:30:19,791
answering questions about
Far Eastern geopolitics.

1585
01:30:19,958 --> 01:30:21,835
No?
Any comment you want to make

1586
01:30:21,918 --> 01:30:24,838
about the use
of sexual torture
by your own military?

1587
01:30:26,506 --> 01:30:28,758
Ask him about London traffic.

1588
01:30:28,925 --> 01:30:32,012
London traffic,
General Lu Tong?
Anything to say about that?

1589
01:30:32,429 --> 01:30:33,847
No comment there.

1590
01:30:34,014 --> 01:30:35,098
Unbelievable.

1591
01:30:35,265 --> 01:30:36,766
That's it from
General Lu Tong.

1592
01:30:36,850 --> 01:30:38,727
We'll see you
after this short break.

1593
01:30:38,852 --> 01:30:39,853
Good job!

1594
01:30:43,648 --> 01:30:46,276
Unfortunately,
you leave me no choice.

1595
01:30:46,359 --> 01:30:49,821
It's actually
illegal to fire somebody
for being pregnant.

1596
01:30:49,988 --> 01:30:51,173
I'm not firing her
for being pregnant.

1597
01:30:51,197 --> 01:30:52,675
I'm firing her for
gross incompetency.

1598
01:30:52,699 --> 01:30:55,035
Bridget is
the beating heart
of this show.

1599
01:30:55,160 --> 01:30:56,620
How could you
want to fire her?

1600
01:30:56,786 --> 01:30:59,456
How about for
interviewing a chauffeur
instead of a general?

1601
01:30:59,623 --> 01:31:00,915
Using a TV interview

1602
01:31:01,082 --> 01:31:03,627
to determine if a guest might
be the father of her child

1603
01:31:03,793 --> 01:31:08,423
and being responsible
for the broadcast
of six bare arses?

1604
01:31:14,179 --> 01:31:15,305
It's okay.

1605
01:31:15,722 --> 01:31:17,724
It's really okay, Richard.

1606
01:31:18,224 --> 01:31:21,353
I was going to quit anyway.
Probably.

1607
01:31:22,312 --> 01:31:26,733
Believe it or not,
I was a little like you
when I started here.

1608
01:31:26,900 --> 01:31:29,194
A little chunkier,
much less make-up.

1609
01:31:29,819 --> 01:31:31,404
But I wanted to
make my mark, too.

1610
01:31:32,364 --> 01:31:34,658
But I don't want to be
part of your rebranding.

1611
01:31:34,824 --> 01:31:36,576
I haven't got
the right haircut anyway,

1612
01:31:36,743 --> 01:31:38,495
and I don't drink
cocktails out of jam jars

1613
01:31:38,578 --> 01:31:40,830
or post photos of
my lunch on Instagram.

1614
01:31:41,122 --> 01:31:43,583
And I suppose
it's become unfashionable

1615
01:31:43,750 --> 01:31:46,169
to care about wanting
to make something worthwhile.

1616
01:31:46,336 --> 01:31:50,298
But I would
rather be old-fashioned
and unemployed

1617
01:31:50,465 --> 01:31:53,176
than part of a show
that celebrates the inane.

1618
01:31:54,010 --> 01:31:56,554
Then maybe when my boy
is old enough to understand,

1619
01:31:56,638 --> 01:31:59,099
integrity will be
fashionable again.

1620
01:32:27,794 --> 01:32:29,462
What have I done?

1621
01:32:40,682 --> 01:32:41,683
Oh.

1622
01:32:43,977 --> 01:32:46,229
It's all very well
fighting for your principles

1623
01:32:46,312 --> 01:32:48,690
when there's no food
in the fridge.

1624
01:32:53,862 --> 01:32:56,948
<i>I mean,
how difficult can it
be to find another job</i>

1625
01:32:57,115 --> 01:33:01,327
<i>when you've just been fired
and you're nine months
pregnant?</i>

1626
01:33:01,494 --> 01:33:03,163
<i>And whatever happens now,</i>

1627
01:33:03,329 --> 01:33:06,499
<i>I'm going to get you
one of those bloody Bugaboos.</i>

1628
01:33:09,627 --> 01:33:11,504
Birthday?

1629
01:33:14,132 --> 01:33:16,468
<i>Oh, God.
Brain's gone to mush.</i>

1630
01:33:16,634 --> 01:33:18,094
First shag?

1631
01:33:22,724 --> 01:33:23,850
No!

1632
01:33:24,642 --> 01:33:25,643
Ooh!

1633
01:33:26,728 --> 01:33:28,188
Bugged

1634
01:33:33,151 --> 01:33:35,153
I'm really sorry.

1635
01:33:37,822 --> 01:33:40,617
I've gone all crap
all of a sudden.

1636
01:33:41,951 --> 01:33:42,994
Right.

1637
01:33:54,047 --> 01:33:55,632
No, no, no.

1638
01:33:58,718 --> 01:33:59,928
Oh, fuck.

1639
01:34:29,999 --> 01:34:31,793
Bugger, bugger, bugger.

1640
01:35:32,562 --> 01:35:35,565
<i>Okay.
New pre-birth resolutions.</i>

1641
01:35:35,732 --> 01:35:40,486
<i>I, Bridget Jones,
am going to be the best mother
in the world.</i>

1642
01:35:41,195 --> 01:35:43,531
<i>I'm going to try not
to leave you in a shop</i>

1643
01:35:43,698 --> 01:35:44,967
<i>or put you in
the washing machine</i>

1644
01:35:44,991 --> 01:35:48,077
<i>like that woman in
the newspaper with her cat.</i>

1645
01:35:48,620 --> 01:35:50,955
<i>Look,
I know I made you a promise</i>

1646
01:35:51,122 --> 01:35:53,875
<i>I would get things sorted
before you got here.</i>

1647
01:35:54,042 --> 01:35:56,544
<i>Well, the truth is, I haven't.</i>

1648
01:35:56,711 --> 01:35:59,130
<i>But you and me
can do this together</i>

1649
01:36:00,214 --> 01:36:03,885
<i>because knights
in shining armor
don't exist anymore.</i>

1650
01:36:04,761 --> 01:36:07,805
<i>Or do they?</i>

1651
01:36:23,154 --> 01:36:24,155
Hi.

1652
01:36:26,157 --> 01:36:27,158
Bridget.

1653
01:36:27,492 --> 01:36:28,910
Good God,
what are you doing there?

1654
01:36:29,077 --> 01:36:30,161
You're all wet.

1655
01:36:30,328 --> 01:36:31,329
Yes.

1656
01:36:31,454 --> 01:36:33,247
I locked myself out.

1657
01:36:33,414 --> 01:36:37,835
I left my bag,
lost my keys, phone,

1658
01:36:39,379 --> 01:36:40,797
my mind.

1659
01:36:41,339 --> 01:36:43,341
What are you doing here?

1660
01:36:44,884 --> 01:36:48,846
Well, it seems
I can always find time
to save the world.

1661
01:36:49,013 --> 01:36:50,765
But you're my world.

1662
01:36:58,147 --> 01:37:00,733
I thought you were
back with Candida.

1663
01:37:01,526 --> 01:37:03,695
You know perfectly
well her name is Camilla.

1664
01:37:04,237 --> 01:37:05,363
Camilla.

1665
01:37:07,657 --> 01:37:12,245
I came round your
house to find you
and she was there.

1666
01:37:12,495 --> 01:37:15,623
She came to collect her bags.
Gone back to The Hague.

1667
01:37:16,165 --> 01:37:18,710
I've just taken
her to the airport.

1668
01:37:36,936 --> 01:37:38,271
Thank you.

1669
01:37:41,774 --> 01:37:42,775
Bridget,

1670
01:37:44,485 --> 01:37:49,240
you know I find
emotional declarations
difficult.

1671
01:37:51,617 --> 01:37:53,494
But the truth is...

1672
01:37:59,167 --> 01:38:00,793
Why are my trousers warm?

1673
01:38:04,297 --> 01:38:05,506
My waters must have broken!

1674
01:38:05,757 --> 01:38:06,757
Oh, Jesus.

1675
01:38:06,799 --> 01:38:08,926
So sorry. I'll get a cloth.

1676
01:38:09,010 --> 01:38:11,330
But you're not due for another
two or three weeks at least.

1677
01:38:12,138 --> 01:38:13,347
Oh. That's a contraction.

1678
01:38:13,514 --> 01:38:15,159
I think we should get
to the hospital quickly.

1679
01:38:15,183 --> 01:38:16,184
Absolutely.

1680
01:38:16,309 --> 01:38:17,602
Let's take your car.

1681
01:38:17,769 --> 01:38:18,978
I came in a taxi.

1682
01:38:19,145 --> 01:38:20,396
Oh, for fuck's sake.

1683
01:38:20,480 --> 01:38:21,856
Well, how was I
supposed to know?

1684
01:38:22,148 --> 01:38:23,483
No, not you. The contractions!

1685
01:38:23,649 --> 01:38:24,650
No, we'll take your car.

1686
01:38:24,734 --> 01:38:25,735
We can't!

1687
01:38:25,818 --> 01:38:28,446
The car keys are in my bag
with everything else.

1688
01:38:28,529 --> 01:38:29,530
Oh!

1689
01:38:29,822 --> 01:38:31,365
Five, six, seven, eight.

1690
01:38:31,449 --> 01:38:33,659
You just pant and
breathe and count.

1691
01:38:33,826 --> 01:38:35,746
Nine.
That's what you're
supposed to do, isn't it?

1692
01:38:35,787 --> 01:38:37,330
Ten...

1693
01:38:43,503 --> 01:38:44,796
You should get that.

1694
01:38:44,962 --> 01:38:46,672
It might be work.

1695
01:38:48,466 --> 01:38:49,467
No! Don't!

1696
01:38:49,842 --> 01:38:50,843
Oi!

1697
01:38:52,345 --> 01:38:53,387
What the fuck?

1698
01:38:53,513 --> 01:38:54,847
That's really sweet.

1699
01:38:56,140 --> 01:38:57,809
But we've got to call a cab.

1700
01:38:58,226 --> 01:38:59,519
Oh, shit.

1701
01:38:59,852 --> 01:39:01,187
Right. What do we do?

1702
01:39:03,856 --> 01:39:05,316
I'll think of something.

1703
01:39:09,737 --> 01:39:11,572
- Look out!
- Move, move, move!

1704
01:39:13,199 --> 01:39:14,659
We goin' <i>ospedale.</i>

1705
01:39:14,742 --> 01:39:16,327
We gonna make the baby.

1706
01:39:21,207 --> 01:39:22,375
God!

1707
01:39:25,169 --> 01:39:29,048
This is really happening!
I'm going to be a mother!

1708
01:39:29,132 --> 01:39:30,383
Maybe I'm too
old for all this.

1709
01:39:30,550 --> 01:39:31,551
Wait!

1710
01:39:32,343 --> 01:39:33,594
Why are you stopping?

1711
01:39:34,053 --> 01:39:37,557
A margherita with
onion and pineapple,
number 17. I thank you.

1712
01:39:48,401 --> 01:39:52,572
Who has onion and pineapple,
huh? Some people,
they are crazy, no?

1713
01:39:53,406 --> 01:39:54,407
Oh.

1714
01:39:54,907 --> 01:39:55,907
Okay!
Yeah.

1715
01:39:55,950 --> 01:39:56,951
Okay.

1716
01:40:02,206 --> 01:40:04,584
Don't you worry, Miss Bridget.
We get you there, huh?

1717
01:40:04,750 --> 01:40:07,712
There is no traffic:
this time of night.
It's okay, yeah?

1718
01:40:07,920 --> 01:40:10,631
Poonani! Poonani!
Power to the Poonani!

1719
01:40:12,925 --> 01:40:15,845
I cannot believe,
it's a bloody
women's rights march!

1720
01:40:15,928 --> 01:40:18,389
Oh, jeez, not now!

1721
01:40:18,598 --> 01:40:20,766
Christ!
It's those women I defended.

1722
01:40:20,933 --> 01:40:22,703
It's those infernal Russians.
Just hold my hand.

1723
01:40:22,727 --> 01:40:24,395
We really need
to get there.

1724
01:40:24,562 --> 01:40:26,439
We need to get there.

1725
01:40:27,565 --> 01:40:28,983
All right!
We're getting out!

1726
01:40:29,108 --> 01:40:30,335
Uh, no,
I don't think that's wise.
Ready?

1727
01:40:30,359 --> 01:40:31,360
No, Bridget. Bridget!

1728
01:40:34,280 --> 01:40:35,281
Call Jack.

1729
01:40:35,448 --> 01:40:37,742
I come behind with the bags,
Mr. Mark.

1730
01:40:37,909 --> 01:40:39,118
And I call Mr. Jack.

1731
01:40:39,285 --> 01:40:40,554
It's all right, Bridget.
We'll find a way.

1732
01:40:40,578 --> 01:40:42,288
I don't think I can walk.

1733
01:40:43,623 --> 01:40:45,458
All right. I'll carry you.

1734
01:41:09,649 --> 01:41:11,525
Good God, Bridget.
You're immense!

1735
01:41:11,692 --> 01:41:13,277
I can't help it!

1736
01:41:15,321 --> 01:41:17,823
I think my lung's collapsed.
But this is not about me.

1737
01:41:18,366 --> 01:41:19,992
My contraction's
starting again!

1738
01:41:20,076 --> 01:41:21,994
I'm going to have
the baby in the street.

1739
01:41:22,161 --> 01:41:23,287
I'll tell you what.

1740
01:41:23,454 --> 01:41:26,332
We'll rest for 10,
and we'll walk for 10.

1741
01:41:26,499 --> 01:41:27,875
All right?
Okay.

1742
01:41:43,808 --> 01:41:46,227
It's not much further?

1743
01:41:46,811 --> 01:41:47,895
No.
No?

1744
01:41:47,979 --> 01:41:49,563
I think it's about...
I don't think...

1745
01:41:49,647 --> 01:41:52,024
...a mile and a half to go.

1746
01:41:52,650 --> 01:41:55,069
Are you okay?

1747
01:41:56,195 --> 01:41:58,447
It's probably best if
I don't talk too much.

1748
01:41:58,531 --> 01:41:59,699
Yes.

1749
01:42:03,536 --> 01:42:06,163
Okay. I'm here. Okay.

1750
01:42:07,540 --> 01:42:09,834
I can take it from here.
I'm here. Okay.

1751
01:42:10,418 --> 01:42:11,711
I got this!

1752
01:42:11,919 --> 01:42:13,587
Thank you!
I got this.

1753
01:42:13,671 --> 01:42:15,548
Okay.

1754
01:42:16,215 --> 01:42:17,216
Jesus!

1755
01:42:18,384 --> 01:42:19,427
Jesus!

1756
01:42:20,886 --> 01:42:21,971
Jesus!

1757
01:42:22,054 --> 01:42:23,472
I'm here.
This is a two-man job.

1758
01:42:23,556 --> 01:42:24,556
Okay.

1759
01:42:24,598 --> 01:42:26,278
- Take her. Take her!
- I got her. Got her.

1760
01:42:26,434 --> 01:42:28,561
Jesus! Don't drop her!

1761
01:42:35,693 --> 01:42:37,570
Just go in.
Okay.
Do you want to go this way?

1762
01:42:37,737 --> 01:42:39,047
Yes. Go there!
No, I'll go this way.

1763
01:42:39,071 --> 01:42:40,281
Okay. Go. Go.

1764
01:42:40,448 --> 01:42:42,199
All right. Squeeze in.

1765
01:42:42,366 --> 01:42:44,076
Are we gonna get in?
All right.

1766
01:42:44,243 --> 01:42:45,786
Squeeze in.
I'm squeezing.

1767
01:42:45,995 --> 01:42:47,079
And, push!

1768
01:42:51,167 --> 01:42:52,293
No, no, it's fine.

1769
01:42:55,796 --> 01:42:57,423
We're out.
Okay.

1770
01:42:57,506 --> 01:42:58,507
Nurse!

1771
01:42:58,591 --> 01:43:00,027
Carol, Carol,
wheelchair, wheelchair.

1772
01:43:00,051 --> 01:43:01,260
One, two, three...

1773
01:43:02,470 --> 01:43:05,264
Yes.
Over here, please. Thank you.

1774
01:43:07,892 --> 01:43:08,893
You Okay?

1775
01:43:11,103 --> 01:43:12,122
Which of you is the father?

1776
01:43:12,146 --> 01:43:13,189
I am.
I am.

1777
01:43:13,272 --> 01:43:14,273
Right.

1778
01:43:18,861 --> 01:43:19,862
Oh!

1779
01:43:19,945 --> 01:43:21,447
Breathe out the pain.

1780
01:43:22,907 --> 01:43:25,451
Oh, good!
I was wondering how
many fathers we'd get.

1781
01:43:25,618 --> 01:43:28,079
Full house! Bingo!

1782
01:43:28,162 --> 01:43:30,456
Bridget,
how do you want to do this?
Epidural?

1783
01:43:30,581 --> 01:43:31,582
No, you can do this.

1784
01:43:31,749 --> 01:43:34,794
A positive mental attitude
is stronger than any drug.

1785
01:43:34,960 --> 01:43:36,420
Just think away the pain.

1786
01:43:36,587 --> 01:43:38,798
Bollocks to that.
No. I want everything.

1787
01:43:38,964 --> 01:43:41,967
Gas, air,
injections, morphine.

1788
01:43:42,134 --> 01:43:43,928
Bridget, remember your yoga.

1789
01:43:44,095 --> 01:43:45,763
Fuck yoga!

1790
01:43:45,930 --> 01:43:47,473
Oh, I couldn't
agree with you more.

1791
01:43:47,640 --> 01:43:49,576
It's supposed to relax one,
but I just spend
the entire time

1792
01:43:49,600 --> 01:43:51,811
clenching my sphincter
in an effort not to fart.

1793
01:43:53,145 --> 01:43:55,648
Now, can we turn you over?
I just need to
check your cervix.

1794
01:43:56,690 --> 01:43:58,818
Mmm. Mmm.

1795
01:43:59,026 --> 01:44:02,655
You're doing very well.
That's it. Turning around
to me. Gently.

1796
01:44:02,988 --> 01:44:04,490
Just a little rummage.

1797
01:44:05,324 --> 01:44:08,160
Right. Ready? Rummaging now.

1798
01:44:08,244 --> 01:44:09,245
Oh!
Oh!

1799
01:44:09,328 --> 01:44:10,955
Ow! Oh!

1800
01:44:11,330 --> 01:44:14,542
Yes. Oh, good, good! You're at
eight centimeters already.
That's excellent!

1801
01:44:14,625 --> 01:44:16,502
That means you can't
have any drugs at all.

1802
01:44:16,585 --> 01:44:17,586
What?

1803
01:44:17,670 --> 01:44:19,797
Yes, you're too far gone.
Well done!

1804
01:44:20,172 --> 01:44:21,465
Oh, another contraction.

1805
01:44:23,008 --> 01:44:25,177
I'm not sure how
much there is to gain

1806
01:44:25,344 --> 01:44:27,471
from you two
being at the coalface,
if I'm honest.

1807
01:44:27,638 --> 01:44:30,238
My ex-husband said it was
like watching his
favorite pub burn down.

1808
01:44:30,349 --> 01:44:31,517
So, your choice.

1809
01:44:34,687 --> 01:44:37,898
Maybe Dad should go
and fetch Mum a cool flannel.

1810
01:44:41,986 --> 01:44:45,781
I know, I know.
Okay. It's okay. It's okay.

1811
01:44:46,240 --> 01:44:47,575
You can do this.

1812
01:44:47,741 --> 01:44:50,369
Okay,
just think away the pain.

1813
01:44:50,494 --> 01:44:51,495
Oh!

1814
01:44:52,037 --> 01:44:53,539
Motherfucker.

1815
01:44:53,706 --> 01:44:55,499
Just think away the pain.

1816
01:44:55,749 --> 01:44:57,793
Get out, both of you!

1817
01:44:59,211 --> 01:45:00,754
Where are you going?

1818
01:45:03,716 --> 01:45:07,011
I've changed my mind.

1819
01:45:07,178 --> 01:45:09,889
I've changed my mind.

1820
01:46:05,611 --> 01:46:06,820
You can do this.

1821
01:46:09,406 --> 01:46:11,158
You can.
We can do it together.

1822
01:46:11,325 --> 01:46:13,085
Just think what life's
thrown at you already.

1823
01:46:17,623 --> 01:46:20,084
You've turned
disasters into triumphs

1824
01:46:20,251 --> 01:46:24,588
with your sheer,
joyful, indefatigable,
infectious lust for life.

1825
01:46:24,755 --> 01:46:27,841
You've managed
this entire pregnancy
almost entirely on your own,

1826
01:46:27,925 --> 01:46:30,010
despite a lunatic mother,

1827
01:46:30,177 --> 01:46:31,220
repressed men,

1828
01:46:31,303 --> 01:46:33,138
and cheating boyfriends
who don't deserve you.

1829
01:46:36,934 --> 01:46:38,352
Just the last few moments.

1830
01:46:38,936 --> 01:46:40,354
Just the last few moments,
my love,

1831
01:46:40,437 --> 01:46:41,997
and then you'll see
your beautiful baby.

1832
01:46:43,691 --> 01:46:44,984
What if it's not yours?

1833
01:46:45,150 --> 01:46:46,485
Then I'll love him anyway.

1834
01:46:46,819 --> 01:46:48,821
Just as I love you.

1835
01:46:49,154 --> 01:46:53,033
Just the way you were,
the way you are,
the way you always will be.

1836
01:46:54,535 --> 01:46:55,661
Ow!

1837
01:47:01,625 --> 01:47:03,425
I think you'd better go
and have that seen to.

1838
01:47:03,460 --> 01:47:04,461
Thank you.

1839
01:47:04,878 --> 01:47:06,839
I'll handle it
from here.

1840
01:47:11,176 --> 01:47:12,720
"Think the pain away."

1841
01:47:12,970 --> 01:47:15,889
You're pushing
an entire human being
out of your vagina.

1842
01:47:16,056 --> 01:47:18,058
I'd like to see them
thinking it away.

1843
01:47:20,185 --> 01:47:24,023
<i>And with 367 of the votes,</i>

1844
01:47:24,148 --> 01:47:26,358
<i>the winner is,
Pamela Margaret Jones.</i>

1845
01:47:26,525 --> 01:47:28,193
Pamela! Darling,
it's Bridget.

1846
01:47:28,360 --> 01:47:29,445
Not now, Colin.

1847
01:47:29,528 --> 01:47:30,571
It's about the baby!

1848
01:47:30,738 --> 01:47:34,366
<i>I hereby declare that
Pamela Margaret Jones is...</i>

1849
01:47:34,700 --> 01:47:36,076
<i>I'm so sorry.</i>

1850
01:47:36,243 --> 01:47:37,870
<i>You'll have to excuse me.</i>

1851
01:47:38,037 --> 01:47:40,456
<i>We are about to
become a grandmother!</i>

1852
01:47:42,583 --> 01:47:44,460
Well, that's it
for this special

1853
01:47:44,543 --> 01:47:46,837
<i>late-night edition
of Hard News.</i>

1854
01:47:47,379 --> 01:47:50,174
Grams going
at 25 seconds to off-air, 25.

1855
01:47:50,341 --> 01:47:51,508
Bridget's in labor.

1856
01:47:51,675 --> 01:47:53,886
Bridget's in labor!

1857
01:47:54,053 --> 01:47:57,264
Except to say,
Bridget Jones is in labor!

1858
01:48:00,225 --> 01:48:01,769
Yeah! Brilliant!

1859
01:48:04,104 --> 01:48:05,272
Run the credits!

1860
01:48:05,439 --> 01:48:07,274
Run it!
Run the credits! Run it!

1861
01:48:07,441 --> 01:48:08,859
I hope
I'm bloody godmother.

1862
01:48:09,026 --> 01:48:10,444
Cue the fucking weather!

1863
01:48:11,695 --> 01:48:12,696
Listen...

1864
01:48:16,950 --> 01:48:18,911
I owe you
an apology.

1865
01:48:20,412 --> 01:48:23,374
I know I haven't behaved
very well in all this.

1866
01:48:25,417 --> 01:48:26,752
No, it's okay.

1867
01:48:51,485 --> 01:48:52,861
Hello.

1868
01:48:57,658 --> 01:48:58,784
Aw!

1869
01:49:16,093 --> 01:49:19,012
Say hello to
our beautiful boy.

1870
01:49:20,931 --> 01:49:21,932
Go ahead.

1871
01:49:22,599 --> 01:49:23,600
Thank you.

1872
01:49:24,017 --> 01:49:25,018
Hi.

1873
01:49:38,907 --> 01:49:40,367
That's who you are.

1874
01:49:40,534 --> 01:49:41,785
Isn't he perfect?

1875
01:49:41,952 --> 01:49:43,036
Yes.

1876
01:50:04,349 --> 01:50:05,684
Oh, hello.

1877
01:50:09,271 --> 01:50:11,523
I'm so sorry
I'm late, Bridge.

1878
01:50:11,690 --> 01:50:13,776
Some lesbians are having
a stupid all-night march.

1879
01:50:13,942 --> 01:50:15,986
Actually, they're marching
in aid of free speech.

1880
01:50:16,153 --> 01:50:18,405
It's rather important.
Oh, my God.
Look at him.

1881
01:50:18,572 --> 01:50:19,907
Bridget.
Bridge.

1882
01:50:20,783 --> 01:50:24,244
I'm so sorry we weren't here.
This unbelievably
annoying march...

1883
01:50:24,369 --> 01:50:26,580
Actually, the march
is critical to...
Can I be godfather?

1884
01:50:26,663 --> 01:50:29,041
Oh, I'm depending on you.

1885
01:50:29,458 --> 01:50:31,603
Oh, congratulations.
Yeah, well done.
Well done. Congratulations.

1886
01:50:31,627 --> 01:50:32,729
- Thank you very much.
- Well done.

1887
01:50:32,753 --> 01:50:33,813
To both of you.
To all of you.

1888
01:50:33,837 --> 01:50:34,838
My daughter!

1889
01:50:35,005 --> 01:50:36,423
Where is she?

1890
01:50:36,590 --> 01:50:39,635
I'm so sorry we didn't
get here on time!
Daddy's parking the car.

1891
01:50:39,802 --> 01:50:41,345
There's some march
for women's rights.

1892
01:50:41,512 --> 01:50:43,764
I mean, honestly, do we
need any more rights?

1893
01:50:44,848 --> 01:50:46,558
Mum, meet your new grandson.

1894
01:50:49,228 --> 01:50:52,397
Aw, the darling.
He looks just...

1895
01:50:55,317 --> 01:50:56,902
Not that it matters,

1896
01:50:57,903 --> 01:51:00,072
but do we know
who the daddy is yet?

1897
01:51:02,741 --> 01:51:04,076
Shall we find out?

1898
01:51:06,161 --> 01:51:08,413
Come on, you two.
Time for a little test.

1899
01:51:08,872 --> 01:51:10,165
So exciting, isn't it?

1900
01:51:10,249 --> 01:51:12,292
It's like the final of
The <i>X</i> Factor or something.

1901
01:51:12,459 --> 01:51:14,503
Dial 0-1 if you
want it to be Mark

1902
01:51:14,586 --> 01:51:16,547
and 0-2 if you
want it to be Jack!

1903
01:51:31,478 --> 01:51:32,479
Oh, good luck.

1904
01:51:32,646 --> 01:51:33,856
You, too.

1905
01:51:40,445 --> 01:51:42,114
Please.
Thank you.

1906
01:53:03,070 --> 01:53:04,321
You look beautiful.

1907
01:53:04,571 --> 01:53:05,656
Thank you.

1908
01:53:06,323 --> 01:53:08,116
Hello, darling! Hello.

1909
01:53:09,201 --> 01:53:10,369
Hello.

1910
01:53:21,088 --> 01:53:22,297
Hello.

1911
01:53:22,839 --> 01:53:23,882
Hi.

1912
01:53:27,552 --> 01:53:29,304
We're really doing this.

1913
01:53:29,388 --> 01:53:31,848
No going back now.

1914
01:53:32,182 --> 01:53:35,018
We are gathered here
to celebrate the union

1915
01:53:35,185 --> 01:53:39,439
of Bridget Rose Jones
and Mark Fitzwilliam Darcy.

1916
01:53:42,567 --> 01:53:44,987
And by the powers
vested in me,

1917
01:53:45,362 --> 01:53:48,156
I now pronounce you, finally,

1918
01:53:49,157 --> 01:53:51,201
husband and wife.

1919
01:54:34,286 --> 01:54:37,039
Jack, what on earth
are you doing with my son?

1920
01:54:38,123 --> 01:54:39,875
Well, don't leave me
alone with him again.

1921
01:54:39,958 --> 01:54:41,710
I have no idea
what I'm doing.

1922
01:54:42,335 --> 01:54:44,337
Is he traumatized?

1923
01:54:48,967 --> 01:54:50,302
Oh!

1924
01:54:51,219 --> 01:54:54,473
Hello, William Jones-Darcy.

1925
01:54:54,639 --> 01:54:56,183
Are you ready?

1926
01:54:58,685 --> 01:55:01,146
Some champagne for you?
Yes, please.

1927
01:55:02,481 --> 01:55:09,321
<i>Dear Diary,
and so, I, Bridget Jones,
am a singleton no more.</i>

1928
01:55:09,654 --> 01:55:11,865
<i>Married? Yes.</i>

1929
01:55:12,032 --> 01:55:13,325
<i>Smug?</i>

1930
01:55:13,492 --> 01:55:17,621
<i>Well, it's about time,
so maybe just a little.</i>