1 00:00:00,750 --> 00:00:04,590 On Wednesday, Prime Minister Andy Burnham met with President Zelensky of 2 00:00:04,590 --> 00:00:07,710 Ukraine to reaffirm Britain's support in their war with Russia. 3 00:00:08,370 --> 00:00:10,770 This is exactly what happened. 4 00:00:19,950 --> 00:00:22,890 President Zelensky, welcome back to Downing Street. 5 00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:24,570 Thank you, Prime Minister Burnham. 6 00:00:24,860 --> 00:00:28,300 I look forward to working with you as I did with your predecessors. Crazy blonde 7 00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:31,800 man, crazy blonde woman, boring brown man and boring white man. 8 00:00:32,780 --> 00:00:36,660 As a show of support, we will be accelerating the delivery of British 9 00:00:36,660 --> 00:00:39,160 missiles. They are being delivered by every. 10 00:00:39,380 --> 00:00:42,780 So if you're not home, they'll leave them with the country next door. 11 00:00:43,820 --> 00:00:47,800 That's OK if it's Poland. Not ideal to leave with neighbour on the other side. 12 00:00:49,519 --> 00:00:50,720 You cheeky Charlie. 13 00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:55,000 Come on, we're all here. I forgot you used to be a comedian. 14 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:56,280 Go on, tell us another joke. 15 00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:00,400 Mr Burnham, my country's been under attack every day for four years. 16 00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:06,000 You probably had to be there. 17 00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:11,820 We need America to restore the Starlink Internet. Without it, we are vulnerable 18 00:01:11,820 --> 00:01:12,820 to drone strikes. 19 00:01:12,980 --> 00:01:17,160 Also, it is very difficult to stream celebrity traitors. I'm way behind, no 20 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:21,200 spoilers, you know, but I think Richard E. Grant is going to go all the way. 21 00:01:22,380 --> 00:01:26,420 Well, I can promise you now, I will raise all of this with President Trump 22 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,600 at the first opportunity. 23 00:01:28,020 --> 00:01:30,080 Did somebody say Richard E. Grant? 24 00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:44,420 President Trump. 25 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:46,880 That's right. You say my name and I appear. 26 00:01:47,580 --> 00:01:51,960 I got the name from my, I got the idea from my very close friend Beetlejuice, 27 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,580 the late great Beetlejuice. 28 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,500 It's one of the two ways I am like him. The other is sex pest. 29 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,760 Alleged. They can't prove he did that stuff. 30 00:02:01,380 --> 00:02:03,360 Mr. Trump, what are you doing in the UK? 31 00:02:03,850 --> 00:02:06,590 You know, I'm in town for the weekend to see my favorite comedian. 32 00:02:06,830 --> 00:02:10,289 He's performing live at High Court in the role of defendant. 33 00:02:11,270 --> 00:02:12,189 That's great. 34 00:02:12,190 --> 00:02:14,890 Mr. Trump, we were hoping to ask... Oh, Zelensky! 35 00:02:15,110 --> 00:02:16,950 Oh, jump scare. Didn't see you there, buddy. 36 00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:19,030 Zelensky's right there. 37 00:02:19,090 --> 00:02:23,030 Me and Putin were just talking about you. Not in a nice way. Very bad. 38 00:02:23,250 --> 00:02:24,089 Very bad. 39 00:02:24,090 --> 00:02:27,610 But I didn't come here for you. Well, if you're not here to talk about Ukraine, 40 00:02:27,790 --> 00:02:28,790 then why are you here? 41 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:32,120 I'm here because, surprise, we're doing job swap. 42 00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:34,620 Job swap? 43 00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:37,100 Yeah, I take over the UK, you take America. 44 00:02:37,380 --> 00:02:40,400 I tell you, that place is a real mess. You're going to hate it. It's an awful, 45 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:41,418 awful job. 46 00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:44,680 It's a terrible place full of disgusting people. I don't know what the hell 47 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:49,380 happened. Come on, job swap with me. I can't swap jobs with you now, Cocker. 48 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:53,500 I've barely even started. People don't even hate me yet. Oh, come on. 49 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:58,200 Come on, this country's gone to the dogs and I alone can fix it. 50 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,160 I hear you got problems with the small boats. If I was in charge, no more small 51 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:05,080 boats. Day one, big, beautiful boats. 52 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,520 The biggest boats you've ever seen. 53 00:03:09,780 --> 00:03:11,880 Coming into Dover, bigger than the cliffs. 54 00:03:12,180 --> 00:03:13,940 UK reference. I don't get it. 55 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:19,720 I don't think you've completely understood the actual problem. Oh, you 56 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,000 got problems in Man City, too. I don't know about Man City. 57 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:26,260 Big problems there, but I'd sure like to visit Lady City. 58 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:28,680 That sounds nice. 59 00:03:29,140 --> 00:03:31,220 All access, no questions asked. 60 00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:35,880 And how about that tiger, folks? Big tiger problems, gobbling your guys up. 61 00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:37,740 I'm Team Tiger. 62 00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:39,580 I like all orange predators. 63 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,180 Game recognized game. 64 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:44,700 Orange predator solidarity. 65 00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:48,460 Let's see, what else I got? What else I got? What else is going on? 66 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,660 There are too many Percy pigs, okay? Enough is enough. 67 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:55,040 We're bringing back the regular Percys. MandS, if you're watching. 68 00:03:55,790 --> 00:03:56,930 No more pals, okay? 69 00:03:58,210 --> 00:04:02,470 MandS, they're doing the reversi-persis. They're putting the ear stuff on the 70 00:04:02,470 --> 00:04:06,370 face, the face stuff on the ear. Not for long. It ends today. We're going to stop 71 00:04:06,370 --> 00:04:08,690 it. We're going to be looking into that very shortly, I can assure you. 72 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:13,670 And how about British comedy, folks? What a bad situation. It's not doing 73 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,670 well. 74 00:04:14,870 --> 00:04:20,130 SNL UK, you're telling me you don't have a guy, the whole cast, you don't have 75 00:04:20,130 --> 00:04:21,690 one guy who can play Trump. 76 00:04:23,470 --> 00:04:24,470 an awful situation. 77 00:04:24,490 --> 00:04:25,930 Some of these people went to RADA. 78 00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:30,430 What are you? RADA. 79 00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:31,750 RADA. 80 00:04:32,370 --> 00:04:33,370 RADA. 81 00:04:33,770 --> 00:04:34,770 Freddie. RADA. 82 00:04:35,470 --> 00:04:38,890 What is that? The Royal Academy of Dogshit Actors? 83 00:04:40,110 --> 00:04:43,710 Ooh, you can say shit on this one. That felt really good. 84 00:04:44,590 --> 00:04:46,270 Very weird. I feel really weird. 85 00:04:47,670 --> 00:04:49,350 Mr. Trump, do you have a point? 86 00:04:49,570 --> 00:04:50,570 Not usually, no. 87 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:56,020 So what do you say, Andy? Are we doing this job swap thing? Please, please 88 00:04:56,020 --> 00:05:00,100 don't make me go back there. It's awful back there. Nobody likes me. 89 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,740 The midterms are coming up and I'm about to totally eat shit. 90 00:05:04,620 --> 00:05:05,620 Please, Sir Keir. 91 00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:07,720 Please, Keir, Andy. 92 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:12,180 Please, Andy, four acres set me free, Sir Andy Keir. 93 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,720 Please. The answer is no, Donald. 94 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:17,320 Fine. 95 00:05:18,380 --> 00:05:19,380 Zielinski. 96 00:05:20,370 --> 00:05:21,370 Job swap? 97 00:05:21,550 --> 00:05:24,790 Trust me, you don't want my job. It's terrible. So much of it involves 98 00:05:24,790 --> 00:05:25,930 spending time with you. 99 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,310 Fine, I'll go home. 100 00:05:28,670 --> 00:05:33,470 And Zelensky, let me know if you need anything, anything at all, provided it's 101 00:05:33,470 --> 00:05:34,470 not help with war. 102 00:05:35,490 --> 00:05:40,270 Sorry, Zelensky, me old mucker, but as dire as things may be, what matters most 103 00:05:40,270 --> 00:05:43,870 is that we all be nice to this insane man. 104 00:05:44,990 --> 00:05:47,410 Yeah, this guy gets it, because... 105 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,820 Welcome to Saturday Night Live UK. 106 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:09,540 What a series so far. Can we all agree these guys are absolutely killing it? 107 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:17,260 I am so excited to be here. I finally get to do some comedy. 108 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:22,420 I'm usually known for playing villains like Tommy Lee Royce in BBC's Happy 109 00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:23,420 Valley. 110 00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:27,160 Where I get up to all sorts of heinous crimes. 111 00:08:27,820 --> 00:08:29,820 punching police officers, kidnapping kids. 112 00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:34,140 But worst of all, oof, those frosted tips. 113 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:41,299 But the truth is, I've come here tonight with an ulterior motive. 114 00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:47,400 Despite playing a series of psychopaths and weirdos, there is one thing people 115 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,340 always say to me. 116 00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:55,220 Oh, my God, my mum absolutely loves you. 117 00:08:57,110 --> 00:08:58,049 It's true. 118 00:08:58,050 --> 00:09:00,410 I'm like a mid-season sale at Oliver Bonus. 119 00:09:00,650 --> 00:09:03,550 I'm Cadbury's fruit and nut. 120 00:09:03,750 --> 00:09:05,630 I am mum crack. 121 00:09:06,410 --> 00:09:08,410 What can I say? What can I say? I'm Moorish. 122 00:09:09,430 --> 00:09:13,630 The other day, I swear to God, a woman in her late 80s shuffled up to me on the 123 00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:16,930 street and said, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but can I get a photo with 124 00:09:16,930 --> 00:09:18,910 you for my mum? 125 00:09:20,290 --> 00:09:22,630 I'm like, no, I'm sorry, come on. 126 00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,090 Your mum is dead. 127 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,020 What evil parts do I have to play before they leave me alone? 128 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:37,180 My next three roles are Prince Andrew, Osama bin Laden, and history's greatest 129 00:09:37,180 --> 00:09:39,300 villain, Captain Tom's daughter. 130 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,820 Oh, my God. 131 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,440 The mums are here tonight. 132 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,680 Why do you like seeing me do horrible things? 133 00:09:50,140 --> 00:09:54,440 And also, I want to ask, why is it that only mums love me? 134 00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,100 Where are the Gen Z kids? 135 00:09:56,750 --> 00:09:58,130 I want to trend on TikTok. 136 00:09:58,490 --> 00:10:00,570 I want to trend on TikTok, not Mumsnet. 137 00:10:01,610 --> 00:10:04,970 I mean, look at me. I'm a wild guy. I've got my ear pierced. 138 00:10:05,830 --> 00:10:06,950 I wear a chain. 139 00:10:07,270 --> 00:10:10,170 I look like I sniff MCAT in Ibiza with Wayne Lineker. 140 00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:19,930 Also, you all think I'm a lovely man who plays wrong-uns, but the truth is, I am 141 00:10:19,930 --> 00:10:20,930 a wrong-un. 142 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,920 I only recycle if the bin's, like, right there. 143 00:10:24,180 --> 00:10:28,380 I throw pebbles in the ocean because I love rising sea levels. 144 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:31,720 I don't have a flipping TV licence. 145 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:33,480 Absolute bad boy! 146 00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:38,120 Do you know what, though? I am at the end of my tether. You know, what can I 147 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:39,120 do? 148 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,260 Oh, you, sir, you look kind of cool. 149 00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:43,539 What, me? 150 00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:46,380 Yeah, you want to do some bad boy stuff with me? 151 00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:47,620 Nah. 152 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,280 I'm only here because... 153 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:51,380 Me mum, she loves you. 154 00:10:53,060 --> 00:10:55,820 Please, are you kidding me? Please, please! 155 00:10:56,420 --> 00:10:59,400 Will the mums please just fuck off? 156 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:05,380 Honestly, what do I have to do to shake this adorable image? 157 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:12,060 Oh, look, an incredibly cute white cat just happens to be sitting there in the 158 00:11:12,060 --> 00:11:13,060 front row. 159 00:11:17,870 --> 00:11:19,310 Oh my God, mums love cats. 160 00:11:19,730 --> 00:11:20,850 This is my chance. 161 00:11:21,370 --> 00:11:23,770 I'm gonna flip off a cat on live TV. 162 00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:27,170 Hey, watch this, mums. 163 00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:35,050 Who am I kidding? I love cats. 164 00:11:35,710 --> 00:11:37,190 I love MandS. 165 00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:40,490 I love strumming myself off thinking about Monty Don. 166 00:11:40,910 --> 00:11:41,910 You know what? 167 00:11:42,330 --> 00:11:43,330 Do you know what? 168 00:11:44,010 --> 00:11:47,510 I love the mums. Come on, girls. Come on. 169 00:11:53,610 --> 00:11:55,870 Bryce Shigsaw, I see you, I see you. 170 00:11:56,130 --> 00:11:58,530 And these shoes, chic but sensible. 171 00:11:58,990 --> 00:12:02,970 I love it. We've got a great show for you tonight. The streets are here! 172 00:12:05,230 --> 00:12:06,770 They love the streets. 173 00:12:07,330 --> 00:12:08,590 Mike's a good boy too. 174 00:12:09,030 --> 00:12:10,830 Stick around and watch this! 175 00:12:14,170 --> 00:12:18,390 Over five million women in the UK are not up to date with their cervical 176 00:12:18,390 --> 00:12:22,760 screening. And getting screened can help stop diseases before they start. 177 00:12:23,020 --> 00:12:24,480 I'm doing it for peace of mind. 178 00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:27,040 I'm doing it for our future. 179 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:31,360 I'm doing it because they've got James Norton doing the screenings. The what? 180 00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:32,659 That's right. 181 00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:36,680 BAFTA-nominated James Norton is going to do your cervical screening. 182 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,440 I just wanted to do my bit for women's health. 183 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:48,280 And I hadn't had a job in a while, so when my agent called, I literally 184 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,280 couldn't say no. 185 00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:54,520 I used to put off getting a smear test because it's odd showing my foof to a 186 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:59,680 stranger. But James Norton isn't a stranger. I know him from Happy Bali. 187 00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:01,260 Well done. 188 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:02,920 Thanks, James Norton. 189 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:04,560 You're welcome. 190 00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:05,880 OK, who's next? 191 00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,280 Wow, women really love getting their smear tests. 192 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,480 If you'd like to follow me. 193 00:13:13,900 --> 00:13:15,480 This should only take two minutes. 194 00:13:16,980 --> 00:13:20,580 I'd always said I'd only ever let two people down there. James Norton and 195 00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:22,000 Harlan Titchmarsh. 196 00:13:23,820 --> 00:13:29,460 I wish every day was Smith's day. 197 00:13:29,940 --> 00:13:31,660 I actually haven't done anything yet. 198 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,540 I loved him in House of Guinness and I love him in me. 199 00:13:38,220 --> 00:13:42,240 The numbers are rising every day. 200 00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:46,110 So, I guess, well done, James Norton. 201 00:13:48,530 --> 00:13:51,070 I made him give it me Grantchester style. 202 00:13:51,350 --> 00:13:52,350 Who's next? 203 00:13:55,110 --> 00:13:57,310 I'm going to have to ask you to turn over, please. 204 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:58,670 Oh, missionary. 205 00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:03,790 Next. Next. 206 00:14:05,050 --> 00:14:06,050 Next. 207 00:14:08,730 --> 00:14:10,750 I've had 30 smear tests this week. 208 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:15,880 That's arguably too many apparently the constant swabs are making whatever I 209 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:21,500 have down there way worse Some of the women can be a bit forward if you could 210 00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:28,480 just get undressed to a level you're comfortable with Thanks 211 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:35,260 James Norton smear tests now done by James Norton Okay, 212 00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:37,520 and you're done now I do you 213 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:42,520 Okay. 214 00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,660 Thank you, James Norton. Thank you, James Norton. 215 00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:47,840 Thank you, James Norton. 216 00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:52,000 Sorry, Mrs Briggs, but I'm supposed to only offer screenings to people between 217 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,520 25 and 64. 218 00:14:55,380 --> 00:14:57,280 Shut up and pat me, Norton. 219 00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:00,440 We're going to have to go through something unpleasant. 220 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:02,520 Let us also have a little treat. 221 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:03,760 Oh! 222 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:17,200 Guys, thank you so much for making this emergency meeting. I know it's last 223 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,100 minute, but this is important. 224 00:15:19,740 --> 00:15:23,120 It's October, and everyone knows what that means. 225 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:24,720 Halloween! 226 00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:27,200 Come on, Harry, think. 227 00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:33,940 Oh, I know. It's been one year since my adult circumcision. Oh, congrats, but 228 00:15:33,940 --> 00:15:34,940 no. 229 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:39,540 I'm talking about something much more serious than that. Something we should 230 00:15:39,540 --> 00:15:44,410 all... care about, something that is very close to my heart. 231 00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:49,050 It's Black History Month. Oh, my God. 232 00:15:49,330 --> 00:15:52,170 Come on, guys, it's time to lock in. 233 00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,450 Agreed. That's a great idea. 234 00:15:59,830 --> 00:16:00,830 Um, Chris? 235 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:05,440 It's already halfway through October. We don't have to do this. We absolutely 236 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:09,580 must do this. We have a colleague amongst us who has had to endure 237 00:16:09,580 --> 00:16:15,520 erasure. We should be celebrating black history, not making them feel like black 238 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:16,520 history. 239 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,500 Did you rehearse that? Yes, I did. 240 00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:22,640 Starting today, we're going to do Black History Month properly. 241 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:26,340 That means, for the rest of the month, no more pastries on the Monday morning 242 00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:28,500 debriefing. We are having jollof rice. 243 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,020 Drawl off race for breakfast. 244 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:37,620 I like that. I like that a lot. Also, you each get a copy of Ainsley Harriot's 245 00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:41,860 best-selling autobiography, Fry Up Fun. 246 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,120 Oh, I've heard that. This is devastating. 247 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:46,280 Chris, 248 00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:49,800 Chris, listen, I appreciate this a lot, man. I appreciate the effort, but this 249 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:50,840 is too much. No. 250 00:16:51,060 --> 00:16:54,840 No, I'm sorry. When it comes to solidarity, we can never do too much. 251 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,240 Power to the people! 252 00:16:56,940 --> 00:16:58,000 It's just one fist. 253 00:16:58,460 --> 00:17:00,040 Well, I care about it twice as much. 254 00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:05,560 I actually took the liberty of preparing an exercise, a fun role play, if you 255 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:10,460 will, so that we can start to truly understand what it has been like for our 256 00:17:10,460 --> 00:17:11,460 brethren. 257 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:13,720 Jackie, I want you to lie on the floor. Oh, yeah. 258 00:17:15,060 --> 00:17:17,599 Joe, if you wouldn't mind getting up, please. 259 00:17:18,619 --> 00:17:21,960 Jackie, you're going to let Joe walk all over you. 260 00:17:23,220 --> 00:17:26,839 Because that is what it feels like. No. 261 00:17:28,510 --> 00:17:29,830 No. Come on, Joe! 262 00:17:30,030 --> 00:17:31,950 You are your ancestor's wildest dream. 263 00:17:32,270 --> 00:17:33,710 What? No, I work in marketing. 264 00:17:35,350 --> 00:17:36,950 Chris, this needs to stop. 265 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:39,410 If you really care so much, you'd give me a raise. 266 00:17:40,010 --> 00:17:41,810 Well, let's not go crazy. 267 00:17:42,830 --> 00:17:46,290 Guys, guys, look, I just want this to be a welcoming, tolerant workplace. 268 00:17:46,850 --> 00:17:49,070 Diversity, inclusion, equity. 269 00:17:49,850 --> 00:17:52,550 I feel like the phrase is diversity, equity, inclusion. 270 00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:55,450 No, Harry, please, don't get bogged down in the details. 271 00:17:55,970 --> 00:17:58,230 Look. I even made some posters. 272 00:17:59,210 --> 00:18:00,210 Oh, my God. 273 00:18:02,310 --> 00:18:03,370 Jesus Christ. 274 00:18:04,270 --> 00:18:07,330 That is a powerful font. 275 00:18:08,590 --> 00:18:10,390 Chris, I think you've got the letters mixed up. 276 00:18:10,670 --> 00:18:11,890 You haven't sent this out yet. 277 00:18:12,170 --> 00:18:15,270 Yeah, of course I have. I've had 600 billboards put up across the country. 278 00:18:15,390 --> 00:18:17,630 But I think people will know what I mean. 279 00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:19,230 Oh, hi, Mimi. 280 00:18:21,650 --> 00:18:23,690 I'm going to work from home. I'll see you guys. 281 00:18:24,250 --> 00:18:25,250 See you guys. 282 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:29,240 You haven't made any other posters, have you? I have, and I will make as many 283 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:33,600 posters as I need to, because at this office, we welcome all colours of 284 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:37,300 people. Nay, we need all colours of people. 285 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,120 No, no, no, come on! 286 00:18:41,860 --> 00:18:42,659 That's me! 287 00:18:42,660 --> 00:18:45,800 What? Sorry, it's person of colour. P-O-C. 288 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,620 Yeah, it's an easy mistake to make. Also, I'm sorry, guys, no-one's going to 289 00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:50,620 get that confused. 290 00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:53,300 All right, poster outside, set unneeded. 291 00:18:53,980 --> 00:18:54,980 This isn't piss tape. 292 00:18:55,140 --> 00:18:56,360 Are you resisting arrest? 293 00:18:56,660 --> 00:18:58,440 No, I'm not. Wait. Where's my pizza tape? 294 00:18:58,720 --> 00:18:59,740 Where's my pizza tape? 295 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,880 Wow. Wow. 296 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,620 The struggle is real. 297 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:10,720 OK. October is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Jackie, lie down on the 298 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:11,720 floor. 299 00:19:48,490 --> 00:19:54,450 Oh, my sweet Victoria, I cannot wait to present you as my new wife to German 300 00:19:54,450 --> 00:19:57,050 society. Nor can I, darling Prince Albert. 301 00:19:57,390 --> 00:19:59,670 What's a German society ball like? 302 00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:03,830 I imagine it's just like an English ball, only perhaps a little more beer. 303 00:20:05,590 --> 00:20:06,950 Let's get you in there. 304 00:20:07,230 --> 00:20:08,830 You're going to love it. 305 00:20:16,510 --> 00:20:18,350 Oh, my God! 306 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,860 I guess it's still pretty early. 307 00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:26,780 It's 11 o'clock at night. 308 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:28,400 Yeah, really early. 309 00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:30,900 Maybe it'll pick up. 310 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,540 Let's go inside, bitch. 311 00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:39,100 How unusual. 312 00:20:39,620 --> 00:20:41,080 What is this place? 313 00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:44,660 It's Berghain 1840, Bert. 314 00:20:55,459 --> 00:21:00,560 victoria your wife okay nice to meet you vicky you pussy honestly 315 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:07,320 i'm coming up like a gecko poking out of a hole right now this place 316 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:12,780 is a total twerk house even the chillax room is 160 bpm come on 317 00:21:12,780 --> 00:21:19,680 how did you two meet partying and also from her 318 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:20,680 being my cousin 319 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,700 I'm going to head to the fisting room if you want to find me. 320 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,380 Oh, and by the way, Uti is here. 321 00:21:29,660 --> 00:21:30,660 Oh, Scheisse! 322 00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:32,520 Who's Uti? 323 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:35,920 Also my ex, and also my cousin, to be fair. 324 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,320 What's cooking, Albert, you cuck? 325 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:46,020 Uti, I thought you moved to a warehouse squat in Prague. 326 00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:49,200 I did, but the cat in me sucks now. 327 00:21:49,580 --> 00:21:51,320 It couldn't tranquilize the Shetland pony. 328 00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,480 So what does she say? Yes, yes, I've got it. 329 00:22:00,900 --> 00:22:04,680 Darling Albert, I'm not sure I fit in here and it smells odious. 330 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,000 Oh, come on, Vicky, darling. 331 00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:09,720 It's just Jaeger and jizz. 332 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:15,840 Don't be a pussy bitch. Yeah, don't be a pussy. Come on, Victoria. No, no, this 333 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,120 isn't what I signed up for. 334 00:22:17,380 --> 00:22:22,240 I thought this ball would be lederhosen, beer, maybe some bratwurst. 335 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:26,180 Girl, there is bratwurst. It's on floor five and it's poking through a hole in 336 00:22:26,180 --> 00:22:27,180 the bathroom wall. 337 00:22:38,890 --> 00:22:44,390 cousin. Albert, come on, babe. You knew I'd be here tonight busting my nut on 338 00:22:44,390 --> 00:22:45,390 the floor. 339 00:22:45,770 --> 00:22:49,290 Listen, you know that nobody loves Distraza more than me. 340 00:22:55,450 --> 00:22:58,310 So, what is it, Albert? What is it? 341 00:22:58,570 --> 00:22:59,670 You want me back? 342 00:22:59,990 --> 00:23:01,010 Oh, come on, bro. 343 00:23:01,270 --> 00:23:05,450 You know we had to end it. The sex was just too good. 344 00:23:05,830 --> 00:23:07,810 There was nowhere to go. 345 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:12,380 I got a Prince Albert piercing for you, man. 346 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:14,040 What's that? 347 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,120 Girl, a dick piercing? 348 00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:19,440 He invented it. That's like his whole thing. You never know this. 349 00:23:19,740 --> 00:23:22,200 I always just lie back and think of England. 350 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,100 Girl, you need to... 351 00:23:47,530 --> 00:23:52,390 dedicated to the decorative arts, and one entire floor will just be old 352 00:23:52,390 --> 00:23:53,390 chairs. 353 00:23:55,090 --> 00:23:56,670 She's a boring bitch. 354 00:23:56,990 --> 00:23:57,990 Wait, 355 00:23:58,430 --> 00:23:59,430 wait! 356 00:23:59,810 --> 00:24:03,050 Actually, I kind of want to get in on that. 357 00:24:07,350 --> 00:24:10,510 It really is kind of dead in here tonight, no? 358 00:24:24,020 --> 00:24:27,420 You just you never think it's gonna happen to you 359 00:24:27,420 --> 00:24:32,840 So I just sit 360 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:39,760 It happened right in front of my eyes and I 361 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:46,660 I did nothing I'm excited for sense and sensibility I've actually Read 362 00:24:46,660 --> 00:24:50,880 the book He read the book 363 00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:53,840 I thought it was going to be a normal date. 364 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:55,440 But it wasn't. 365 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:56,920 Not to me, no. 366 00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,280 I didn't even know Dune was a book. 367 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:05,160 So in the book, that character is actually two separate characters. But in 368 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,360 the film, they have kind of merged them into one. 369 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:13,720 That scene lasted over six chapters in the book. So much detail. God. 370 00:25:15,460 --> 00:25:16,580 Have you seen Little Women? 371 00:25:18,410 --> 00:25:22,110 I just love Greta Gerwig's work and how you can tell it was really influenced by 372 00:25:22,110 --> 00:25:23,110 her husband. 373 00:25:24,290 --> 00:25:25,290 Noah Baumbach. 374 00:25:26,350 --> 00:25:27,710 Noah Baumbach. 375 00:25:28,450 --> 00:25:33,530 This documentary reminded me that I too have read a lot of books, says GQ. 376 00:25:34,070 --> 00:25:36,250 Don't get me wrong, there were signs. 377 00:25:36,530 --> 00:25:37,810 You know, I should have known. 378 00:25:38,110 --> 00:25:40,250 Even his phone looked like a little book. 379 00:25:42,250 --> 00:25:44,230 Can I just ask, you are going to blur me out, right? 380 00:25:44,450 --> 00:25:45,450 We'll blur your eyes out, yeah. 381 00:25:45,650 --> 00:25:47,190 Yeah. Are you able to... 382 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:50,040 Leather, um, hair. 383 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,100 Look, is it such a crime to love reading? 384 00:25:56,420 --> 00:25:59,000 Sorry, what are you doing with your voice? We can do all that in post 385 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,080 -production. Yeah, but I don't trust you. 386 00:26:01,660 --> 00:26:04,580 Oh, and I read a book about a man who was interviewed anonymously and they 387 00:26:04,580 --> 00:26:05,920 completely screwed him over. 388 00:26:08,580 --> 00:26:13,320 My name's Sandra Book and when I originally heard about this phenomenon, 389 00:26:13,540 --> 00:26:14,860 I thought it couldn't be true. 390 00:26:15,060 --> 00:26:16,060 I was excited. 391 00:26:16,750 --> 00:26:17,870 I was trying dating again. 392 00:26:18,190 --> 00:26:19,650 A new guy, a cinema. 393 00:26:19,890 --> 00:26:20,910 What could go wrong? 394 00:26:22,670 --> 00:26:25,330 You know, in the book, she actually survives. 395 00:26:25,830 --> 00:26:26,830 No, she doesn't. 396 00:26:27,690 --> 00:26:29,630 Well, I agree to disagree. 397 00:26:30,150 --> 00:26:33,130 The film we were watching was based on a book I wrote. 398 00:26:34,310 --> 00:26:37,430 And sometimes it's not just the women watching the films that have stuff 399 00:26:37,430 --> 00:26:40,050 explained to them. It's the women in the films. 400 00:26:40,310 --> 00:26:42,570 So dark, the con of man. 401 00:26:43,630 --> 00:26:44,630 No. 402 00:26:45,420 --> 00:26:46,460 He doesn't say that. 403 00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:48,540 Yeah, you tell her. 404 00:26:49,900 --> 00:26:50,900 It's really good. 405 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:56,040 From the producers of I Know Quite a Lot About Japan. 406 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:06,980 He read the book. A brand new documentary based on the book of the 407 00:27:06,980 --> 00:27:07,980 same name. 408 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:09,140 It's actually more of a graphic novel. 409 00:27:15,370 --> 00:27:17,930 Ladies and gentlemen, I've been very excited about saying this bit. 410 00:27:18,210 --> 00:27:19,210 The streets! 411 00:27:21,690 --> 00:27:22,690 You're coming. 412 00:27:23,930 --> 00:27:27,390 My name is Distrasa. 413 00:27:29,230 --> 00:27:32,430 And I love a fruit and nut. Let me tell you. 414 00:27:35,530 --> 00:27:38,050 See, I reckon you're about an eight or a nine. 415 00:27:38,390 --> 00:27:43,230 Maybe even nine and a half in four bits time. That blue top, top, top you've got 416 00:27:43,230 --> 00:27:46,590 on is nice. Bit too much Faitano, but yeah, you score high. 417 00:27:46,830 --> 00:27:50,790 But there's just one little thing that's really, really, really, really annoying 418 00:27:50,790 --> 00:27:52,170 me about you, you see. 419 00:27:52,410 --> 00:27:57,870 Yeah, yeah, like I said, you are really fit. But my gosh, don't you just know 420 00:27:57,870 --> 00:28:03,030 it? I'm not trying to fool you. This is good. Even though I would like to. 421 00:28:03,580 --> 00:28:05,300 I'm going to be coming in for an inspection. 422 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:13,140 So when I looked at you standing there with your hoard, I was waiting in the 423 00:28:13,140 --> 00:28:17,660 queue looking at the board, wondering whether to have a burger or chips or 424 00:28:17,660 --> 00:28:19,720 what the shrapnel in my back pocket could afford. 425 00:28:20,020 --> 00:28:24,520 When I noticed out the corner of my eye, looking to all my direction, your eyes 426 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:28,360 locked on my course. I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to order, 427 00:28:28,460 --> 00:28:31,100 which lost me my place in the queue I waited for. 428 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:33,820 I'm not trying to fool you. 429 00:28:34,380 --> 00:28:41,200 Even though I would like to I think you are really fit You're fit, oh my gosh, 430 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:47,900 don't you know? Leave it out Leave it out Leave it out Leave it 431 00:28:47,900 --> 00:28:52,000 out Leave it out 432 00:28:53,679 --> 00:28:56,320 For a while there I was thinking, yeah, but what if? 433 00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:00,560 Picturing myself pulling with bare white hot wits Snaring you as you were 434 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:05,100 standing there opposite Whether or not you knew it, I swear you didn't tick And 435 00:29:05,100 --> 00:29:08,920 when that bloke in the white behind us locked you in Was clocking onto YouTube, 436 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:13,190 yeah, I had to admit That, yeah, yeah, you asked it, and yeah, I do want it, 437 00:29:13,190 --> 00:29:16,070 but I stopped sharking a minute to get chips and drinks. 438 00:29:18,470 --> 00:29:19,730 It's really not that hard. 439 00:29:20,650 --> 00:29:22,530 You just have to have a good time. 440 00:29:24,030 --> 00:29:25,030 Yeah. 441 00:29:27,310 --> 00:29:29,890 I bashed my head hard earlier due to the brew. 442 00:29:30,110 --> 00:29:32,630 But I am digressing slightly, so I'll continue. 443 00:29:32,990 --> 00:29:35,530 I didn't want to bowl over or geezer and rude. 444 00:29:35,750 --> 00:29:38,210 Not rude like good, but just rude like I'm good. 445 00:29:38,450 --> 00:29:42,170 You girls think you can just flirt and it comes to you. Well, let me tell you, 446 00:29:42,190 --> 00:29:43,710 see, yes, yes, you are really rude. 447 00:29:43,950 --> 00:29:47,990 And rude as in good, I knew this as you stood and queued. But I just did not 448 00:29:47,990 --> 00:29:51,910 want to give the satisfaction to you. I'm not trying to pull you. 449 00:29:52,430 --> 00:29:56,250 Even though I would like to. It's Saturday night. 450 00:29:57,090 --> 00:30:00,490 And I've had too many burgers. 451 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:04,820 And just as you started to make your big advance with the milkshake and that 452 00:30:04,820 --> 00:30:08,860 little donut in your hand, I was like, nah, I can't even know you look grand, 453 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:13,180 but you look sharp there, smiling hard, suggesting and gleaming away with your 454 00:30:13,180 --> 00:30:14,540 hearty, hearty-looking tan. 455 00:30:14,780 --> 00:30:18,900 But I admit the next bit was spanner to my plan. You walked towards my path, but 456 00:30:18,900 --> 00:30:23,020 you just brushed right past and into the arms of that fucking white-shirted man. 457 00:30:23,740 --> 00:30:27,320 You, sir, ruining my evening. 458 00:30:28,650 --> 00:30:32,790 I think you are really fit. Yeah, you're better than they were earlier. 459 00:30:33,130 --> 00:30:36,710 What do I give a fuck? I've got a girlfriend anyway. 460 00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:39,620 We're all a bit drunk, we've had a few, fair play. 461 00:30:39,820 --> 00:30:42,460 I got this Stella a bum from that last cafe. 462 00:30:42,660 --> 00:30:45,300 This night's not even begun, yes, yes, oh yay. 463 00:30:45,540 --> 00:30:47,960 I did fancy you a bit though, yeah, I must say. 464 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:50,700 I would rather I hadn't mugged myself on display. 465 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:55,560 But this is just another case of female stuffy play in an otherwise total result 466 00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:56,560 of a holiday. 467 00:30:56,640 --> 00:31:01,060 I'm not trying to fool you. Has anybody got anything I can drink? No, I would 468 00:31:01,060 --> 00:31:02,060 like to. 469 00:31:02,270 --> 00:31:08,070 i think you are really fit don't you know they 470 00:31:08,070 --> 00:31:14,530 don't have a truck i 471 00:31:14,530 --> 00:31:24,190 think 472 00:31:24,190 --> 00:31:29,110 i'm going to fall over i think i'm going to fall oh 473 00:31:30,540 --> 00:31:31,840 Fuck it out! 474 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:09,900 you're broken up here whose fault is that it's mine 475 00:32:09,900 --> 00:32:15,980 which one do i cut green yellow red 476 00:32:15,980 --> 00:32:22,820 no it can't be like that between us and you 477 00:32:51,310 --> 00:32:52,310 Anya Magliano. 478 00:32:54,650 --> 00:32:58,910 Share your location and grab your pepper spray. We're off to the White House. 479 00:32:59,950 --> 00:33:05,110 President Trump's press secretary, Katie Zachariah, has lost her job after just 480 00:33:05,110 --> 00:33:06,110 five days. 481 00:33:06,590 --> 00:33:11,130 Trump told Zachariah that she should, quote, reconsider her position and 482 00:33:11,130 --> 00:33:15,070 immediately offered her a new position, kneeling on the floor of Air Force One 483 00:33:15,070 --> 00:33:16,070 with her bra off. 484 00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:21,500 President Trump described Zachariah as an attorney, even though she never 485 00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:22,740 passed the bar exam. 486 00:33:23,140 --> 00:33:28,420 She did, however, pass a much more important test of looking tantalisingly 487 00:33:28,420 --> 00:33:29,420 similar to his daughter. 488 00:33:33,540 --> 00:33:39,440 Trump also welcomed a new ambassador to his team on Tuesday, a business 489 00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:41,480 executive called Barbara Thornhill. 490 00:33:42,540 --> 00:33:45,140 Thornhill is known to her friends as... Whoa, Jesus! 491 00:33:48,970 --> 00:33:50,530 Oh, my God, Barbara, you scared me there. 492 00:33:55,490 --> 00:34:01,370 In 1994, as part of her charity work, Barbara spent time with Mother Teresa's 493 00:34:01,370 --> 00:34:02,890 leprosy order in Calcutta. 494 00:34:03,370 --> 00:34:05,210 But they just couldn't cure her. 495 00:34:06,930 --> 00:34:12,010 An investigation from ITV has obtained covert recordings of reform councillors 496 00:34:12,010 --> 00:34:13,650 making violent and racist remarks. 497 00:34:14,230 --> 00:34:17,130 To collect all of these violent and racist remarks... 498 00:34:17,420 --> 00:34:21,500 journalists were forced to go deep undercover with reform for almost 15 499 00:34:21,500 --> 00:34:22,500 seconds. 500 00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:28,219 And another reform councillor has resigned after claiming that King 501 00:34:28,219 --> 00:34:29,260 Charles is Muslim. 502 00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:33,340 When asked for comments, the palace replied, quote, Of 503 00:34:33,340 --> 00:34:40,179 course, there is a chance that Charles was 504 00:34:40,179 --> 00:34:41,620 tempted to convert to Islam. 505 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:45,480 Being able to have two wives at the same time would have saved him a lot of 506 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:46,480 admin. 507 00:34:48,650 --> 00:34:52,489 So, is there anything to these rumours that King Charles is actually a Muslim? 508 00:34:52,810 --> 00:34:56,090 Here to comment, please welcome the Muslim King Charles! 509 00:34:59,370 --> 00:35:01,470 Obviously not, that would be insane. 510 00:35:04,530 --> 00:35:08,190 Nationwide protests are breaking out in France against the fraying social 511 00:35:08,190 --> 00:35:09,270 security system. 512 00:35:09,610 --> 00:35:14,270 As we speak, there is a tense stalemate between protesters and police, as both 513 00:35:14,270 --> 00:35:17,070 sides are French, so neither knows who to surrender to. 514 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:23,000 Rioters are also protesting against rising costs of living. 515 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:27,600 Locals say they've been unable to buy basic things like deodorant for the last 516 00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:28,660 200 years. 517 00:35:29,180 --> 00:35:35,680 LAUGHTER This week, UK Defence Secretary Wes 518 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:39,820 Streeting was in Washington, meeting his US counterpart, Pete Hegseth. 519 00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:44,600 Wes Streeting is openly gay, whereas Hegseth is a devout evangelical 520 00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:47,520 Christian, which must make the sex they're having... 521 00:35:51,240 --> 00:35:55,600 In other US news, the execution of a former army officer will no longer be 522 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:59,660 live-streamed. Nidal Hasan was convicted of opening fire on soldiers who were 523 00:35:59,660 --> 00:36:00,660 awaiting vaccination. 524 00:36:01,180 --> 00:36:04,740 Especially tragic, considering the vaccine they were waiting for was 525 00:36:04,740 --> 00:36:05,740 against bullets. 526 00:36:08,620 --> 00:36:12,800 In Vatican news, Pope Leo has been discharged from hospital following an 527 00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:14,880 operation to remove a growth on his lung. 528 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:19,620 After the diagnosis, he found consolation in the words of John 14, who 529 00:36:19,620 --> 00:36:21,620 said, Would you like a handjob, your holiness? 530 00:36:24,660 --> 00:36:28,540 The Pope was hoping to fully cure his cancer by the religious practice of the 531 00:36:28,540 --> 00:36:29,580 laying on of hands. 532 00:36:29,980 --> 00:36:34,180 My children, he said, I fear the cancer has spread to my knob. 533 00:36:42,090 --> 00:36:46,730 According to a recent study by the Football Association, over 93% of 534 00:36:46,730 --> 00:36:51,650 referees report experiencing abuse, and nearly 50% of referees consider quitting 535 00:36:51,650 --> 00:36:53,450 due to the hostile environment. 536 00:36:53,830 --> 00:36:56,350 To tell us more, here's a Sunday league ref. 537 00:37:01,430 --> 00:37:06,410 So, what are... What are the issues facing referees? OK, look, I'm sorry, 538 00:37:06,590 --> 00:37:08,610 but refs just need to grow a pair, you know? 539 00:37:09,090 --> 00:37:13,250 You just need to stand your ground. They'll try anything to get to you, you 540 00:37:13,250 --> 00:37:17,010 know? Take the piss out of your clothes, say things like your face and body suck, 541 00:37:17,170 --> 00:37:20,590 that your family are trash, you know? Take the piss out of your clothes again, 542 00:37:20,830 --> 00:37:21,830 you know? 543 00:37:22,490 --> 00:37:25,090 OK, your clothes, what, like your ref uniform? 544 00:37:25,410 --> 00:37:28,170 No, your clothes, like what you're wearing before and after the game. Keep 545 00:37:28,170 --> 00:37:29,170 up, Jesus! 546 00:37:32,710 --> 00:37:33,710 I thought you were going to hit me. 547 00:37:33,770 --> 00:37:34,770 OK. 548 00:37:36,110 --> 00:37:40,170 Are you sure you're coping with the abuse? You seem like you are letting it 549 00:37:40,170 --> 00:37:40,968 get to you. 550 00:37:40,970 --> 00:37:42,670 How am I letting it get to me? 551 00:37:44,110 --> 00:37:46,590 Well, you're crying. This is hardly crying. 552 00:37:47,410 --> 00:37:51,570 Right. Well, how do you deal with all the abuse you get? You just need a 553 00:37:51,570 --> 00:37:52,730 clever comeback, OK? 554 00:37:52,970 --> 00:37:56,310 It's easy. You know, it's just banter at the end of the day. So if someone says, 555 00:37:56,410 --> 00:38:00,090 ref, ref, you're an idiot, you say, really? 556 00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:04,400 Do you actually think that? 557 00:38:08,420 --> 00:38:11,660 And then you head off to where the next foul's been committed, you know? 558 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:15,600 OK, so sort of the opposite of standing your ground. OK, OK, fine. 559 00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:20,660 Last week, someone shouted, I hope you die alone, and I said, well, I've got 560 00:38:20,660 --> 00:38:24,160 another game next Sunday, so if I die then, I won't be alone, you know? 561 00:38:25,380 --> 00:38:28,460 And then someone said, you're a disgrace to your family, and I said, well, they 562 00:38:28,460 --> 00:38:29,760 aren't here, are they? 563 00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:33,600 If someone says, ref, why don't you jump in front of moving traffic? 564 00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:38,420 You can just say, like I said before, I've got a game next week, otherwise I 565 00:38:38,420 --> 00:38:39,420 would, you know? 566 00:38:45,500 --> 00:38:47,040 Just stand your ground. 567 00:38:49,180 --> 00:38:53,200 OK, well, is there anything you'd suggest to people looking to get into 568 00:38:53,200 --> 00:38:54,980 reffing that might actually be helpful? 569 00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:57,680 Yeah, I'd say it's a brilliant job. 570 00:38:59,130 --> 00:39:03,410 You get fresh air, exercise, you know, and every Sunday morning, 30 grown men 571 00:39:03,410 --> 00:39:06,210 you've never met get together and explain exactly why you shouldn't be 572 00:39:06,210 --> 00:39:08,810 alive. And I love that challenge. I love that challenge. 573 00:39:09,150 --> 00:39:10,310 A Sunday league ref, everyone! 574 00:39:15,350 --> 00:39:22,310 The BBC has been criticised after editing out a 575 00:39:22,310 --> 00:39:27,570 pro-trans Protect the Dolls T-shirt worn by a Strictly contestant. 576 00:39:27,850 --> 00:39:32,090 The BBC has stressed that they're not transphobic, they just hate dolls, as 577 00:39:32,090 --> 00:39:34,790 they're often used by victims to demonstrate where they were touched by 578 00:39:34,790 --> 00:39:35,790 BBC talent. 579 00:39:40,450 --> 00:39:44,410 Wallace and Gromit creator Nick Park has revealed that in an upcoming audiobook, 580 00:39:44,790 --> 00:39:46,870 Gromit will speak for the first time. 581 00:39:47,410 --> 00:39:48,590 Makes me sick. 582 00:39:49,790 --> 00:39:53,810 How can you give Gromit a voice when so many women around the world don't have 583 00:39:53,810 --> 00:39:54,810 one? 584 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:04,800 In royal news... In royal news on Tuesday, Prince William was seen playing 585 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:06,540 cricket outside Buckingham Palace. 586 00:40:06,980 --> 00:40:10,520 William was pummeled hard in the crease and then Kate let him go and play 587 00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:11,520 cricket. 588 00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:17,180 An 89-year-old man from Basildon has had his dying wish fulfilled after he was 589 00:40:17,180 --> 00:40:19,200 finally able to meet a Highland cow. 590 00:40:19,700 --> 00:40:23,740 By happy coincidence, it was also the cow's wish to finally see a man from 591 00:40:23,740 --> 00:40:24,740 Basildon die. 592 00:40:28,110 --> 00:40:31,610 Over the past year, Western Europe's highest mountain, Mont Blanc, has shrunk 593 00:40:31,610 --> 00:40:35,850 by more than a metre. But to be fair, it's cold up there, so it's natural. 594 00:40:44,630 --> 00:40:51,530 A lucky mum... A lucky mum who forgot to update her postcode lottery ticket after 595 00:40:51,530 --> 00:40:56,050 moving house has won a share of a million-pound jackpot from her old 596 00:40:56,050 --> 00:41:00,480 address. But remember... She is still a mum, so her life is bad. 597 00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:09,020 Bristol's improv community are reportedly devastated following the 598 00:41:09,020 --> 00:41:10,020 closure of their theatre. 599 00:41:10,420 --> 00:41:15,160 In honour of this sad event, I'm going to improvise my punchline to this story. 600 00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:18,820 Can I get a place of work? The International Space Station. 601 00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:20,120 And what's my job? 602 00:41:20,460 --> 00:41:23,760 I'm the Prime Minister, but I'm made of jelly! 603 00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:26,110 Freeze! What's this? 604 00:41:26,330 --> 00:41:29,490 A magic stone that makes everything I say the opposite? 605 00:41:29,910 --> 00:41:32,650 No, it's a book. But who's it by? 606 00:41:33,110 --> 00:41:35,450 Oh, hello, I'm Sally Rooney. 607 00:41:35,790 --> 00:41:39,130 And I'd like to read you an extract from... Stop! 608 00:41:39,430 --> 00:41:42,750 You can't say that book in this country because it is banned. 609 00:41:43,210 --> 00:41:48,930 Did someone say ban? I'm Paul McCartney and I'm trying to start one of those 610 00:41:48,930 --> 00:41:49,930 with Prince. 611 00:41:51,210 --> 00:41:53,870 Fingerprints. There's been a murder. 612 00:41:54,890 --> 00:41:59,050 I'm tagging in. Good evening. I'm Sherlock Holmes, the greatest detective 613 00:41:59,050 --> 00:42:00,050 in the world. 614 00:42:00,350 --> 00:42:02,130 But the world's on fire. 615 00:42:02,710 --> 00:42:04,250 Fire. Aim. 616 00:42:04,570 --> 00:42:06,650 Ready? The opposite stone! 617 00:42:07,890 --> 00:42:10,850 And that is why they had to close the theatre. 618 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:24,100 Archaeologists have discovered that communities in Roman Britain were 619 00:42:24,100 --> 00:42:28,980 importing and eating pistachios. When eating the pistachios, the Romans used 620 00:42:28,980 --> 00:42:32,380 to say, which is Roman for 5,000. 621 00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:46,140 A couple from Merseyside have spent £400 transforming their Vauxhall Astra into a 622 00:42:46,140 --> 00:42:48,660 Ghostbusters-themed spooky ambulance for Halloween. 623 00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:50,640 And I have to say, it's shit. 624 00:42:54,940 --> 00:43:00,160 A ride operator at Munich Oktoberfest was praised for giving out free cycling 625 00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:01,660 shorts to female riders. 626 00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:06,200 Wearing the gym shorts will protect women from being upskirted, but it does 627 00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:08,160 make them vulnerable to something much worse. 628 00:43:15,790 --> 00:43:20,050 Last week on SNL, comedian Shane Gillis also caused controversy by dropping the 629 00:43:20,050 --> 00:43:21,050 F-bomb. 630 00:43:21,330 --> 00:43:25,690 Oh, Shane, you're not allowed to say that, you stupid fucking cunt. 631 00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:16,140 It's so crazy. I can't believe we worked together so long. I had no idea you were 632 00:44:16,140 --> 00:44:17,140 a pug person. 633 00:44:17,260 --> 00:44:19,860 It was such a good idea to get them together. I just know they're going to 634 00:44:19,860 --> 00:44:20,860 be best friends. 635 00:44:21,060 --> 00:44:23,880 Well, shall we just leave them here for a bit just to get to know each other? 636 00:44:24,080 --> 00:44:26,340 Ernie can be a bit territorial when I'm around. 637 00:44:26,660 --> 00:44:28,460 Yeah, great idea. Rocco loves other dogs. 638 00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:30,900 I'll show you the garden. 639 00:44:36,960 --> 00:44:38,520 Good day to you, sir. 640 00:44:39,500 --> 00:44:40,880 Good day to you, sir. 641 00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:43,460 Have we met, sir? 642 00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:48,860 No, indeed we have not. And yet, sir, here you come, bold as brass, tramping 643 00:44:48,860 --> 00:44:53,280 through my chambers like some country slobber-de-gullion, giving off a scent 644 00:44:53,280 --> 00:44:54,560 that is quite unfamiliar to me, sir. 645 00:44:55,120 --> 00:45:00,200 My chambers, wherein I keep my great treasures. 646 00:45:00,580 --> 00:45:07,460 My stinking old bed, the rubber donut upon which I choke, and the ratty old 647 00:45:07,460 --> 00:45:10,740 Rupert the Bear toy, which, when the occasion takes me... 648 00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:12,300 I sodomize vigorously. 649 00:45:14,160 --> 00:45:15,840 My compliments, sir. 650 00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:19,920 But I apologize to no dog for my scent, sir. 651 00:45:20,240 --> 00:45:27,160 No Gelder's blade has made a eunuch of me, and therefore my natural musk can 652 00:45:27,160 --> 00:45:30,980 be unnerving to a lesser sort of cur. 653 00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:33,720 Cur, sir, cur, God's blood. 654 00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:38,080 I'll not stand any dog to use such words to me. No, not whether they be 655 00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:39,660 Rottweiler nor Chihuahua. 656 00:45:40,970 --> 00:45:43,530 You do not mend your manners to me, sir. 657 00:45:44,050 --> 00:45:46,810 I'll fetch you a handsome cuff about the ear. 658 00:45:47,070 --> 00:45:49,210 That is my style, sir. 659 00:45:49,550 --> 00:45:51,350 By the living God, sir, I will have satisfaction. 660 00:45:51,670 --> 00:45:56,250 I shall tweak your nose, if indeed that brachycephalic protrusion upon your face 661 00:45:56,250 --> 00:45:57,510 may be called a nose. 662 00:45:58,030 --> 00:46:00,150 You forget yourself, sir. 663 00:46:00,490 --> 00:46:06,730 My owner has been heard on several occasions to say that I am the 664 00:46:06,730 --> 00:46:08,750 handsomest male boy in the world. 665 00:46:09,530 --> 00:46:15,660 And... Do you mean to suggest she is a liar, you adulpated 666 00:46:15,660 --> 00:46:22,480 ninnyhammer? I should never call a lady a liar, sir. But my owner declares me 667 00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:26,920 the handsomest boy in the whole world. And that even after I sicked up a load 668 00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:29,800 of Toblerone, what I got into on the boxing day. 669 00:46:31,240 --> 00:46:37,260 Prepare yourself, sir, for I shall now bite you roughly about the face and the 670 00:46:37,260 --> 00:46:38,960 neck. Do your very worst, sir. 671 00:46:44,880 --> 00:46:50,200 You disgrace yourselves with this unseemly carry-on. Good heavens! 672 00:46:50,560 --> 00:46:51,560 A cat! 673 00:46:51,660 --> 00:46:54,760 Indeed, and a thoroughly disagreeable one at that. 674 00:46:55,740 --> 00:47:01,000 My owner's solitary failing is that she is enthralled to this ungodly creature. 675 00:47:01,540 --> 00:47:06,340 My poor dear fellow, I had no idea. 676 00:47:06,940 --> 00:47:13,520 My owner keeps a budgerigar, whom I have on good authority is a paedophile. 677 00:47:16,040 --> 00:47:17,040 All birds are. 678 00:47:17,300 --> 00:47:23,660 The barbarous libertines. I see now we are entirely of one mind, sir. 679 00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:29,800 Would you ever forgive me the roughness of my tongue? The fault is mine, sir, 680 00:47:29,860 --> 00:47:35,620 certainly. Would you take it amiss if we were now to inhale the pheromones of one 681 00:47:35,620 --> 00:47:36,680 another's anal glands? 682 00:47:37,340 --> 00:47:38,500 Like gentlemen? 683 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,300 Drink deep of them, sir. 684 00:47:44,920 --> 00:47:49,920 I wonder that a lady such as myself should be surrounded by savages. 685 00:47:50,240 --> 00:47:54,100 Good day, madam. Good day. Good day. Good day to you, madam. Good day. Good 686 00:47:54,100 --> 00:47:58,760 day. All right, boys, come on. The mean old cat can't hurt you. Let's go to the 687 00:47:58,760 --> 00:47:59,760 park. 688 00:47:59,880 --> 00:48:00,880 The park? 689 00:49:04,910 --> 00:49:07,450 Start at where you are. 690 00:49:08,290 --> 00:49:15,070 Use what you have. You can't make utopia. 691 00:49:15,910 --> 00:49:18,310 Do what you can. 692 00:49:19,690 --> 00:49:22,770 Dread fills in where doubting dried. 693 00:49:23,330 --> 00:49:26,450 The red pill sinking down inside. 694 00:49:27,030 --> 00:49:30,210 What's the next best move in the hour of war? 695 00:49:30,450 --> 00:49:34,010 When on the next Jenga move, this tower will fall. 696 00:49:34,680 --> 00:49:37,960 We're meant to be shitting but we're scrolling on the doors. 697 00:49:38,220 --> 00:49:41,600 There's plenty of signal but we're crawling up the walls. 698 00:49:41,980 --> 00:49:46,780 The reason that it's not a vibe is of course you don't reason with the 699 00:49:46,780 --> 00:49:48,620 crocodile in its jaws. 700 00:49:49,160 --> 00:49:56,100 I know I scare a herd of hoes with that and I'm wearing my work in progress hat. 701 00:49:56,380 --> 00:49:59,640 They think because they're better that they'll never get it. 702 00:50:00,430 --> 00:50:06,290 The guillotine severs whoever's head is in it. Start at where you are. 703 00:50:07,330 --> 00:50:14,010 Use what you have. You can't make utopia. 704 00:50:14,990 --> 00:50:17,430 Do what you can. 705 00:50:19,130 --> 00:50:20,490 Swirls are burning. 706 00:50:20,790 --> 00:50:22,010 Dumps the flames. 707 00:50:22,450 --> 00:50:25,410 The world is turning into Hunger Games. 708 00:50:26,110 --> 00:50:29,370 Action and madness, but the angles are fun. 709 00:50:30,030 --> 00:50:35,330 Imagine where Zanderson happened in Brum. Can we all just put a cork in the 710 00:50:35,330 --> 00:50:39,450 snark? Can we walk till there's a fork in the park? 711 00:50:40,630 --> 00:50:43,890 Like thereby streams there are no pillows. 712 00:50:44,530 --> 00:50:47,670 Where they dream there are no windows. 713 00:51:03,210 --> 00:51:07,790 We don't believe our eyes but not doubting the sound. There's a three car 714 00:51:07,790 --> 00:51:09,570 pile upon a roundabout. 715 00:51:10,190 --> 00:51:16,950 We rake and hoe and crush at plants but can't fake utopia. It has to just 716 00:51:16,950 --> 00:51:20,910 happen. You pray for change because you see what is wrong. 717 00:51:21,110 --> 00:51:24,670 But if you wait for rages then three will come along. 718 00:51:25,030 --> 00:51:28,350 Just cute faces painted, screaming a song. 719 00:51:28,750 --> 00:51:32,030 I've let it go, I've shown my calloused hands. 720 00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:35,660 So what periscope and blow the ballast tanks? 721 00:51:36,220 --> 00:51:39,340 You should call a friend and yell out, what's it for? 722 00:51:39,880 --> 00:51:43,440 You were born again, but you fell out on the floor. 723 00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:49,040 First people getting to see Flavio Agostini's collection before Milan 724 00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:50,040 Fashion Week. 725 00:52:50,060 --> 00:52:54,120 Three years without a single show, interview or photograph. 726 00:52:54,380 --> 00:52:56,360 The industry's been waiting for this. 727 00:52:56,620 --> 00:53:00,220 But just remember, Flavio has a very particular relationship with negative 728 00:53:00,220 --> 00:53:03,920 feedback. Last person to give him any hasn't worked in fashion since. 729 00:53:04,140 --> 00:53:04,979 Oh, OK. 730 00:53:04,980 --> 00:53:05,980 Oh! 731 00:53:06,620 --> 00:53:10,640 To be on John, Flavio has arrived. 732 00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:17,060 in this collection is an extension of my soul. 733 00:53:18,220 --> 00:53:22,020 Behold, the future of fashion. 734 00:53:28,860 --> 00:53:33,080 That just looks like, um... Shh! 735 00:53:33,600 --> 00:53:36,160 Don't say anything negative. 736 00:53:45,930 --> 00:53:48,990 We have to say something. We can't open Milan with that. OK, OK. 737 00:53:49,230 --> 00:53:51,110 Flavio, darling, wow. 738 00:53:51,650 --> 00:53:55,190 How did you come up with the idea for this collection? 739 00:53:55,550 --> 00:53:56,910 I am glad you ask. 740 00:53:57,410 --> 00:54:03,490 I wanted this collection to be about self-reflection, looking at yourself and 741 00:54:03,490 --> 00:54:05,710 deciding to become a better person. 742 00:54:07,050 --> 00:54:11,610 So you could say you started with the man in the mirror? Yeah, see? 743 00:54:12,110 --> 00:54:14,670 And asking him to change his ways. 744 00:54:15,550 --> 00:54:17,230 OK, well, he's clearly doing this on purpose. 745 00:54:17,510 --> 00:54:18,510 Doing what? 746 00:54:18,890 --> 00:54:22,630 Marcus, darling, if you can just tip your hat and lean forward a bit. 747 00:54:25,030 --> 00:54:26,030 Mmm! 748 00:54:26,730 --> 00:54:28,810 Beautiful. Look at that silhouette. 749 00:54:29,130 --> 00:54:30,130 OK, piss off. 750 00:54:30,370 --> 00:54:31,370 What? 751 00:54:31,390 --> 00:54:34,630 How dare you talk to Flavio Agostini that way? 752 00:54:35,010 --> 00:54:37,370 You've clearly stolen this whole collection from Michael Jackson. 753 00:54:37,670 --> 00:54:38,670 Michelle who? 754 00:54:38,690 --> 00:54:39,690 I don't know her. 755 00:54:39,730 --> 00:54:40,730 Of course you bloody do. 756 00:54:48,200 --> 00:54:49,300 He's doing the bloody noise now. 757 00:54:50,700 --> 00:54:52,880 It's just the way you make me feel. 758 00:54:54,080 --> 00:54:57,760 Flavio, you can't seriously expect us to believe you've never heard of one of the 759 00:54:57,760 --> 00:54:59,700 most famous musicians in history. 760 00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:01,300 I don't know him. 761 00:55:02,220 --> 00:55:04,080 I was homeschooled, OK? 762 00:55:04,640 --> 00:55:07,460 My parents never let me listen to music. 763 00:55:07,860 --> 00:55:12,060 They locked me in my room for days and they tell me that I'm bad, I'm bad, 764 00:55:12,220 --> 00:55:13,220 Shamone. 765 00:55:15,440 --> 00:55:17,380 Sorry, Flavia, your parents said Shamo. 766 00:55:17,720 --> 00:55:18,720 Yeah, see? 767 00:55:19,020 --> 00:55:20,800 They wouldn't stop till they got enough. 768 00:55:21,740 --> 00:55:22,740 Yeah, OK. 769 00:55:22,760 --> 00:55:25,620 We're screwed. Fashion Week is in two days. OK, OK, OK. 770 00:55:25,860 --> 00:55:31,640 Maybe we can present the collection as a homage to him. Who is this Michael 771 00:55:31,640 --> 00:55:33,080 Jackson character, anyway? 772 00:55:36,060 --> 00:55:37,060 OK. 773 00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:38,840 OK. 774 00:55:39,200 --> 00:55:40,200 Right. 775 00:55:41,040 --> 00:55:42,040 He did what? 776 00:55:44,810 --> 00:55:45,810 Oh, no. 777 00:55:46,670 --> 00:55:48,290 Oh, God, there's more? 778 00:55:49,450 --> 00:55:51,010 A theme park? 779 00:55:51,450 --> 00:55:53,150 Oh, God, that's not good. 780 00:55:53,990 --> 00:55:56,050 Jesus. Jesus. 781 00:55:56,970 --> 00:55:58,310 A monkey? 782 00:55:59,450 --> 00:56:01,890 Jesus. Oh, okay. 783 00:56:02,290 --> 00:56:03,290 Well...