1 00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:04,593 [singer singing in Japanese] 2 00:00:06,764 --> 00:00:08,643 ♪ Don't look over here ♪ 3 00:00:08,726 --> 00:00:10,605 [singing in Japanese] 4 00:00:10,688 --> 00:00:12,107 Maybe we should help him. 5 00:00:12,191 --> 00:00:15,030 Wait, wait. He'll get it. Thumbs are tricky. 6 00:00:15,113 --> 00:00:16,617 ♪ I don't need anymore ♪ 7 00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:17,994 ♪ More ♪ 8 00:00:18,078 --> 00:00:19,372 [singing in Japanese] 9 00:00:19,455 --> 00:00:21,292 ♪ I don't wanna see anything ♪ 10 00:00:21,376 --> 00:00:22,963 ♪ Ha ha ha, anymore ♪ 11 00:00:23,046 --> 00:00:24,716 ♪ I don't need anyone ♪ 12 00:00:27,137 --> 00:00:29,058 He doesn't know how to use a can opener? 13 00:00:29,601 --> 00:00:33,024 You're never gonna integrate back into society if you can't do basic shit. 14 00:00:35,738 --> 00:00:37,993 [can, can opener scrapes, clattering] 15 00:00:38,076 --> 00:00:40,205 [Kash] It's simple, okay? You clamp it on, 16 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,963 and you… 17 00:00:44,548 --> 00:00:45,633 Shit! [screams] 18 00:00:47,052 --> 00:00:48,388 It's broken. 19 00:00:53,816 --> 00:00:55,068 ♪ Shut up ♪ 20 00:00:55,152 --> 00:00:57,741 [singing in Japanese] 21 00:00:57,824 --> 00:00:58,826 ♪ Shut up ♪ 22 00:00:58,909 --> 00:01:01,372 [singing in Japanese] 23 00:01:01,456 --> 00:01:02,876 ♪ Shut up ♪ 24 00:01:02,959 --> 00:01:04,045 - [song ends] - [door opens, bell clangs] 25 00:01:04,128 --> 00:01:06,215 - [customer, muffled] Excuse me? - Oh, God, no! 26 00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:08,679 Do you work here? I have a complaint. 27 00:01:09,305 --> 00:01:10,474 What seems to be the problem? 28 00:01:10,558 --> 00:01:13,480 [customer] I rented this costume for my husband's birthday, 29 00:01:13,564 --> 00:01:16,277 and now I can't get the bloody mask off. 30 00:01:16,862 --> 00:01:18,949 Uh, sorry, did you say your husband's birthday? 31 00:01:19,033 --> 00:01:19,993 Yes. 32 00:01:20,077 --> 00:01:21,120 Okay. 33 00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:24,251 So, your husband likes strong women? 34 00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:26,464 I think it's some sort of vacuum effect. 35 00:01:26,548 --> 00:01:28,218 Have you tried greasing it up? 36 00:01:28,301 --> 00:01:29,721 You could use butter. Or lube. 37 00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:35,148 [customer] Excuse me, but why would I have lube in my house? 38 00:01:35,232 --> 00:01:36,359 Oh, come on. 39 00:01:36,442 --> 00:01:37,529 You've got lube. 40 00:01:37,612 --> 00:01:40,325 [customer] I want this mask off now. 41 00:01:40,409 --> 00:01:43,498 And it goes without saying, I expect a full refund. 42 00:01:43,582 --> 00:01:46,212 Oh, I'm afraid we can only offer refunds 43 00:01:46,295 --> 00:01:50,303 if the costume's been used for its intended purpose. 44 00:01:50,387 --> 00:01:52,057 [customer] What are you implying? 45 00:01:53,309 --> 00:01:56,232 You can't imply a customer is pegging their husband as Margaret Thatcher. 46 00:01:56,315 --> 00:01:57,317 She is! 47 00:01:57,401 --> 00:01:59,865 Of course she is, but you can't say that. 48 00:01:59,948 --> 00:02:01,284 [sighs] 49 00:02:01,367 --> 00:02:03,831 Sometimes I wonder if you're cut out for customer service. 50 00:02:03,914 --> 00:02:05,041 You're absolutely right. 51 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,920 No, I think the best thing to do is to let me go 52 00:02:07,004 --> 00:02:08,381 with a generous redundancy package. 53 00:02:08,465 --> 00:02:12,055 You are a manager. Great liar. 54 00:02:12,139 --> 00:02:15,479 You hate people just the right amount. I've never seen you miss a fag break. 55 00:02:15,563 --> 00:02:17,149 You could flourish here. 56 00:02:17,232 --> 00:02:18,736 Take my place when I die. 57 00:02:18,819 --> 00:02:21,575 That's a lovely thing to say, Ange. But this is just temporary. 58 00:02:21,658 --> 00:02:23,203 [Ange] Tim said that too when he started. 59 00:02:23,286 --> 00:02:25,332 He's been here seven years. He still loves it. 60 00:02:33,808 --> 00:02:35,310 ♪ Are you ready, Check? ♪ 61 00:02:38,149 --> 00:02:39,443 ♪ Name, escape ♪ 62 00:02:41,364 --> 00:02:43,536 [Valerie Gold] Absolutely not. 63 00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:47,125 Are you fucking mad? I'm not signing it. 64 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:50,257 Listen, this is a very good deal for you. 65 00:02:50,340 --> 00:02:55,267 Your music in the lift of every cruise ship in the fleet. 66 00:02:55,350 --> 00:02:58,022 They might even want your early stuff for the hold lines on the phone. 67 00:02:58,106 --> 00:03:01,905 [Valerie Gold] I sold out the Bradford Ballroom five nights in a row. 68 00:03:01,989 --> 00:03:04,786 I've fucked 75% of the Rolling Stones. 69 00:03:04,870 --> 00:03:06,915 A cruise ship? I think not. 70 00:03:06,999 --> 00:03:09,588 It's time for a comeback. 71 00:03:09,671 --> 00:03:11,884 Valerie… [chuckles] …you know we love you at the label. 72 00:03:11,967 --> 00:03:15,432 But only one person with your condition has made a comeback, and that's Jesus. 73 00:03:15,516 --> 00:03:17,937 I can still sing. I'm still relevant. 74 00:03:18,021 --> 00:03:20,651 [sighs] Fuck it. I'll even do a duet. 75 00:03:21,193 --> 00:03:23,114 What's Whitney Houston up to these days? 76 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,608 [light switch clicks] 77 00:03:41,317 --> 00:03:43,989 Get out. I'm literally about to start auditioning people. 78 00:03:44,073 --> 00:03:45,785 - Can I watch? - Why? 79 00:03:46,787 --> 00:03:48,582 I just wanna learn how to human again. 80 00:03:50,168 --> 00:03:53,967 Fine. But don't do anything weird. Or say anything. Or touch anyone. 81 00:03:54,051 --> 00:03:55,136 It's very important to me. 82 00:03:56,305 --> 00:03:57,474 And not just to me, okay? 83 00:03:58,393 --> 00:04:00,606 I'm doing this for the city. For the vulnerable. 84 00:04:00,690 --> 00:04:02,985 Jen says you're doing it because you're a feckless loser 85 00:04:03,069 --> 00:04:04,948 who sponges off his girlfriends. 86 00:04:05,031 --> 00:04:07,995 And, uh, this nostalgic imitation of virility 87 00:04:08,079 --> 00:04:11,878 gives you the illusion of control over your emasculated, directionless existence. 88 00:04:18,307 --> 00:04:21,648 Although, I don't know what most of that means. 89 00:04:21,732 --> 00:04:22,734 Is that right? 90 00:04:24,403 --> 00:04:27,117 ♪ Mummy, Daddy, look at me ♪ 91 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,123 ♪ I went to school and I got a degree ♪ 92 00:04:30,206 --> 00:04:33,129 ♪ All my friends go [scats] ♪ 93 00:04:33,212 --> 00:04:35,760 ♪ I went to school and I got a big ♪ 94 00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:36,845 [manager] All right? 95 00:04:36,928 --> 00:04:38,974 [sighs] She took the news very well. 96 00:04:39,058 --> 00:04:41,521 Yeah, that was very impressive in there. Crystal clear. 97 00:04:41,605 --> 00:04:43,692 How do you feel about some moonlighting? 98 00:04:43,776 --> 00:04:47,199 We have another life-challenged artist on our books 99 00:04:47,282 --> 00:04:49,036 that I think you'd work well with. 100 00:04:49,119 --> 00:04:52,502 Is it an estates dispute? Because I'm quite junior. 101 00:04:52,585 --> 00:04:55,841 I'm sure there's nothing you can't handle. You're very impressive, Carrie. 102 00:04:57,427 --> 00:04:59,891 Yes. Yes. 103 00:04:59,974 --> 00:05:02,354 I can handle it. I'll do it. [chuckles] 104 00:05:02,437 --> 00:05:05,736 Great. Saturday at 2.00. I'll send you the addy. [clicks tongue] 105 00:05:05,820 --> 00:05:06,822 Yeah, great. 106 00:05:08,116 --> 00:05:09,911 ♪ I got the big D ♪ 107 00:05:11,038 --> 00:05:12,625 ♪ I got the big D ♪ 108 00:05:12,708 --> 00:05:15,171 ♪ I went to school and I got the big D ♪ 109 00:05:17,635 --> 00:05:18,720 [doorbell buzzes] 110 00:05:25,108 --> 00:05:26,110 Uh, name? 111 00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,030 Sebastian. Seb... Seb. 112 00:05:28,657 --> 00:05:31,621 Seb. And your power? 113 00:05:32,455 --> 00:05:33,457 [clears throat] 114 00:05:52,955 --> 00:05:54,249 [glass shatters] 115 00:05:57,297 --> 00:05:59,009 I can summon sea creatures. 116 00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:00,428 Can you command them? 117 00:06:02,015 --> 00:06:03,894 Um, no. 118 00:06:03,977 --> 00:06:05,063 [Kash smacks lips] 119 00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:08,319 I have a rich father. 120 00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:23,767 - [Kash] Your name? - Uh, Ade. 121 00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:24,894 Megan. 122 00:06:26,063 --> 00:06:27,608 Uh, what-what can you do? 123 00:06:27,692 --> 00:06:30,405 Uh, I can, uh, phase through solid objects. 124 00:06:30,488 --> 00:06:32,284 I can turn anything into a PDF. 125 00:06:32,367 --> 00:06:34,539 - So, what? Like a fridge? - Anything. 126 00:06:34,622 --> 00:06:37,628 - A person? - Anything. 127 00:06:37,712 --> 00:06:38,797 I'm basically a magnet. 128 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,886 It's not active all the time, but when it happens, you'll know. 129 00:06:43,765 --> 00:06:44,892 [metal clattering] 130 00:06:45,853 --> 00:06:47,355 It happened. 131 00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:56,750 [Ade grunts] 132 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,296 [pants, chuckles] 133 00:06:59,379 --> 00:07:00,966 Nice. 134 00:07:01,050 --> 00:07:02,260 We'll be in touch. 135 00:07:02,343 --> 00:07:03,429 [chuckles] 136 00:07:05,308 --> 00:07:07,730 Oh. [chuckles] I'm stuck. 137 00:07:08,899 --> 00:07:10,986 Don't mind me, though. I'll be... I'll get there. [chuckles] 138 00:07:13,992 --> 00:07:16,205 Mmm. Still stuck. 139 00:07:20,714 --> 00:07:22,175 [grunts] Uh… 140 00:07:22,258 --> 00:07:24,387 - Do you have more people coming? - We do, yeah. 141 00:07:30,233 --> 00:07:31,903 [Kash] Excuse me. What are you doing? 142 00:07:31,986 --> 00:07:33,990 I have a 3D printing arse. 143 00:07:34,074 --> 00:07:36,538 I can do whatever you want as long as it's aerodynamic. 144 00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:40,461 [Ade] Can you do a spoon? 145 00:07:41,714 --> 00:07:43,384 So sorry. Sorry to interrupt. 146 00:07:43,927 --> 00:07:46,558 ♪ Sun spots, changing glare ♪ 147 00:07:46,641 --> 00:07:49,187 ♪ Walking around With my very best friend ♪ 148 00:07:49,271 --> 00:07:50,983 - [Ade] Sorry. - [Jizzlord] Come on. You can do it. 149 00:07:51,066 --> 00:07:52,987 - Come on. Oh, my God, yes! - You can do it. 150 00:07:53,070 --> 00:07:54,281 - [Kash] Dig deep. - [Ade] Oh, my God. 151 00:07:54,364 --> 00:07:55,617 - Come on, dig deep. - Wow. 152 00:07:55,701 --> 00:07:56,578 [all grunting] 153 00:07:56,661 --> 00:07:57,746 [Kash] Keep going with it. 154 00:07:57,830 --> 00:07:59,207 - Squeeze! - Yeah! 155 00:07:59,291 --> 00:08:00,794 [Ade] Come on! 156 00:08:00,878 --> 00:08:02,380 [all cheers] 157 00:08:02,463 --> 00:08:04,594 - Come on! - Wow. 158 00:08:04,677 --> 00:08:07,766 [all cheering, applauding] 159 00:08:07,850 --> 00:08:09,269 No. 160 00:08:10,772 --> 00:08:11,816 [whispering] Can I join? 161 00:08:12,610 --> 00:08:13,904 How did you get into the flat? 162 00:08:19,039 --> 00:08:21,961 Super speed. Like you have to ask. 163 00:08:23,422 --> 00:08:24,842 All right, how fast are we ta... 164 00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:30,478 Been to the Tate Modern and back. 165 00:08:31,355 --> 00:08:34,277 Their Dada retrospective is… underwhelming. 166 00:08:35,656 --> 00:08:37,158 Cheers. 167 00:08:45,717 --> 00:08:46,719 Peace. 168 00:08:46,803 --> 00:08:48,515 ♪ We are born ♪ 169 00:08:49,099 --> 00:08:50,727 ♪ And I don't care ♪ 170 00:08:51,270 --> 00:08:53,023 ♪ As we grow old ♪ 171 00:08:53,107 --> 00:08:55,152 ♪ As I'm aware ♪ 172 00:08:55,236 --> 00:08:59,494 ♪ As we grow ♪ 173 00:08:59,579 --> 00:09:01,123 Thanks so much for coming in. 174 00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:02,751 Oh, no problem. 175 00:09:03,837 --> 00:09:06,968 Sometimes I feel a bit like a photocopier they wheeled out. [chuckles] 176 00:09:07,051 --> 00:09:09,222 So it's nice to get asked to do actual legal stuff. 177 00:09:09,306 --> 00:09:11,978 'Cause I can do that, but they never really ask me to. 178 00:09:13,063 --> 00:09:15,569 - Oh, is this a recording studio? - Smart as a button. 179 00:09:15,652 --> 00:09:18,742 We have an artist who died before he could finish his last album. 180 00:09:18,825 --> 00:09:22,040 Tragic, really. His fans are still super passionate. 181 00:09:22,123 --> 00:09:25,046 And we already paid him the advance. Uh-oh! 182 00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:27,342 So, if he could sing through you, 183 00:09:27,425 --> 00:09:28,887 then we could finish the tracks 184 00:09:28,970 --> 00:09:32,603 and bada-bing-bada platinum sales in 30, 40 territories worldwide. 185 00:09:32,686 --> 00:09:33,688 Is that cool? 186 00:09:34,982 --> 00:09:36,026 Uh. 187 00:09:38,155 --> 00:09:40,034 [microphone feedback] 188 00:09:40,117 --> 00:09:42,246 - [tapping drumsticks] - Three, two, one. 189 00:09:42,330 --> 00:09:45,086 - They want you to channel who now? - [Carrie] Colt Callaghan. 190 00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:48,384 He was some big country music singer in the '80s, apparently. 191 00:09:48,467 --> 00:09:50,262 I thought you were there for some legal bullshit? 192 00:09:50,346 --> 00:09:52,350 [Carrie] Me too, but they just want me for my power. 193 00:09:52,433 --> 00:09:54,605 Why doesn't anybody care what Carrie has to offer? 194 00:09:54,689 --> 00:09:56,358 Probably because Carrie talks about herself 195 00:09:56,441 --> 00:09:57,736 in the third person a bit too much. 196 00:09:58,613 --> 00:10:01,368 Can you come down? For moral support? 197 00:10:01,451 --> 00:10:03,247 I'm at work. I can't just bail. 198 00:10:03,330 --> 00:10:05,000 I'm saving up for the clinic. I need the money. 199 00:10:05,084 --> 00:10:06,754 You can have a cut. They're paying me. 200 00:10:06,838 --> 00:10:07,923 How much are they paying you? 201 00:10:08,006 --> 00:10:10,469 I don't know. It's a bit rude to ask, isn't it? 202 00:10:10,554 --> 00:10:12,725 Please come. I really need a friend right now. 203 00:10:12,808 --> 00:10:14,102 No, you don't need a friend. 204 00:10:14,185 --> 00:10:17,024 You need someone who can get you a decent deal. A real hard-ass. 205 00:10:19,362 --> 00:10:20,364 You need... 206 00:10:20,448 --> 00:10:22,619 Jen Regan, Jen Regan Talent Management. 207 00:10:23,538 --> 00:10:25,124 This is handwritten. 208 00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:28,338 We're a-a boutique agency with a personal touch. 209 00:10:28,422 --> 00:10:33,600 Now, this national treasure is not opening her money hole until we talk shop. 210 00:10:33,683 --> 00:10:34,852 Here is her rider. 211 00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:40,781 "Sushi platter. Room temperature ice water." 212 00:10:41,991 --> 00:10:43,160 We can deal with this later. 213 00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,498 What I need to do right now, yeah, is talk to Colt. 214 00:10:45,582 --> 00:10:47,126 He's gonna be pretty confused. 215 00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:48,337 Uh, money first. 216 00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:50,341 - We can offer you 250. - [Jen] Oh, please. 217 00:10:50,424 --> 00:10:54,224 Ms Jackson doesn't put on a bra on a Saturday for 250. 218 00:10:54,307 --> 00:10:56,436 - Five hundred. Final offer. - 300. 219 00:10:57,856 --> 00:10:59,777 I think my client would be content with £300. 220 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:00,695 - Yeah. - Yeah. 221 00:11:00,779 --> 00:11:02,406 £300,000. 222 00:11:05,997 --> 00:11:08,711 May I just have a moment alone with my client? 223 00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:20,652 [pants] Did he say £300,000? 224 00:11:21,152 --> 00:11:23,407 I could buy a flat. I could go on holiday. 225 00:11:23,490 --> 00:11:25,077 I could buy the Tenderstem broccoli. 226 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,375 Tenderstem, Jen. It is so much more tender. 227 00:11:28,458 --> 00:11:30,421 [pants] You could pay for the clinic. 228 00:11:30,505 --> 00:11:33,010 [both scream, laugh] 229 00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,139 ♪ Didn't do it for the love Didn't do it for the police ♪ 230 00:11:35,222 --> 00:11:36,182 ♪ Get on these knees ♪ 231 00:11:36,266 --> 00:11:39,063 ♪ Didn't do it for the sex Didn't do it for the love ♪ 232 00:11:39,147 --> 00:11:41,484 That amount would be acceptable, yes. 233 00:11:45,159 --> 00:11:46,913 ♪ I did it for the money ♪ 234 00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:51,046 When are our friends coming? 235 00:11:53,133 --> 00:11:55,513 They're not our friends. They're my vigilante group. 236 00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:57,935 What are you hiding? 237 00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:00,649 You said that you needed snacks, so… 238 00:12:01,651 --> 00:12:02,653 [shrieks] 239 00:12:03,362 --> 00:12:05,449 - [doorbell buzzes] - So, where should I sit? 240 00:12:05,533 --> 00:12:10,376 Uh, actually, um, I-I need you to do something very important for me. 241 00:12:10,459 --> 00:12:11,294 Okay. 242 00:12:11,879 --> 00:12:14,635 Okay, um, I need you to 243 00:12:16,137 --> 00:12:17,139 get these for me. 244 00:12:17,975 --> 00:12:21,398 Okay, okay. Yeah, I can do that. 245 00:12:21,481 --> 00:12:23,443 I can do that. I'll get you your… 246 00:12:23,528 --> 00:12:25,239 … "tampons." 247 00:12:25,322 --> 00:12:26,951 - Great. - [doorbell buzzes] 248 00:12:27,034 --> 00:12:29,623 - Where... Where would I get a tampon? - Chemist. 249 00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:31,209 Chemist. Yeah. 250 00:12:32,086 --> 00:12:33,422 [doorbell buzzes] 251 00:12:33,506 --> 00:12:36,052 Um, Jen says it's too soon for me to be out in the world. 252 00:12:36,136 --> 00:12:37,346 Well, Jen's not here. Okay? 253 00:12:37,430 --> 00:12:39,392 - Okay, I won't let you down. - Yeah. 254 00:12:42,023 --> 00:12:43,358 [doorbell buzzes] 255 00:12:45,947 --> 00:12:47,116 [doorbell buzzes] 256 00:12:58,472 --> 00:12:59,725 The miniature horse is unavailable. 257 00:12:59,808 --> 00:13:01,436 Unacceptable. 258 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,023 Either you get us a big horse 259 00:13:03,106 --> 00:13:06,446 that we can look at through the wrong end of a telescope, or we walk. 260 00:13:06,530 --> 00:13:10,747 Yeah, totally. I'll sort all that after she gets Colt. 261 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,634 Heads up, by the way, Colt could be a little difficult. 262 00:13:17,301 --> 00:13:18,554 What kind of difficult? 263 00:13:19,055 --> 00:13:21,309 [Colt] Where am I? Did I black out? 264 00:13:23,396 --> 00:13:26,946 How old are you? Ah, wait. I don't wanna know. 265 00:13:27,029 --> 00:13:30,494 You told me you were 18, and that's the line we're gonna go with. 266 00:13:30,578 --> 00:13:33,333 [manager] Colt, mate, don't panic, but you're dead. 267 00:13:34,001 --> 00:13:35,003 [Colt groans] 268 00:13:35,087 --> 00:13:36,799 My fucking wife. 269 00:13:37,341 --> 00:13:39,513 She finally did it. She always said she would. 270 00:13:39,596 --> 00:13:40,598 Gotta respect that. 271 00:13:40,682 --> 00:13:44,063 No one killed you, mate. We brought you back to finish your album. 272 00:13:44,146 --> 00:13:47,361 [Colt] Sugar tits, you look a bit like Margaret Thatcher. 273 00:13:47,444 --> 00:13:49,198 I like that. 274 00:13:49,282 --> 00:13:51,369 Thank you. Your tits look pretty good too. 275 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:54,877 [Colt] Wha... 276 00:13:55,712 --> 00:13:56,589 Holy shit! 277 00:13:56,672 --> 00:13:59,595 Maybe being in a woman's body will give you a bit more respect. 278 00:13:59,678 --> 00:14:02,726 [Colt] Nice! I can work with these. 279 00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:04,813 Now, what are these, a C cup? 280 00:14:04,897 --> 00:14:07,694 You've been gone a while. Is there anything you wanna get caught up on? 281 00:14:07,777 --> 00:14:09,781 [Colt] There's only three things I need to know. 282 00:14:09,865 --> 00:14:15,000 Is beer still cold? Are guns still cool? And is Jesus still white? 283 00:14:15,919 --> 00:14:19,509 - Oh, yeah. Come on, now. - 'Kay, stop that. Don't be touching them. 284 00:14:19,593 --> 00:14:22,306 - Get off them. Get off. - [Colt grunts, groans] 285 00:14:22,389 --> 00:14:23,851 - [Colt] All right! - [Jen] Dirty bastard. 286 00:14:28,026 --> 00:14:28,945 [Colt sighs] 287 00:14:29,028 --> 00:14:30,364 [Kash] Congratulations, men. 288 00:14:30,447 --> 00:14:32,953 You've all been selected because you demonstrated to me 289 00:14:33,036 --> 00:14:35,290 that you are hero material. 290 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,044 You've passed the first test. 291 00:14:38,756 --> 00:14:41,469 Will there be more tests? I'm dyslexic, and I need more time. 292 00:14:41,553 --> 00:14:43,891 It's more a series of trials than tests. 293 00:14:43,975 --> 00:14:46,270 It's, like, informal trials of the spirit and body. 294 00:14:46,354 --> 00:14:47,356 It's more of a metaphor. 295 00:14:47,439 --> 00:14:49,528 Really, I probably shouldn't have used the word "test." 296 00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:53,451 Uh, any... Words aside... Um. 297 00:14:53,536 --> 00:14:56,165 We're all here for one noble purpose: fighting crime. 298 00:14:56,249 --> 00:14:57,961 What does that mean, specifically? 299 00:14:58,044 --> 00:15:01,384 Uh, like, going after crime. Stopping it and stuff. 300 00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:04,473 - There's lots of different types of crime. - I know. I don't think we need... 301 00:15:04,558 --> 00:15:08,398 I suggest targeting child sex offenders. 302 00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:12,364 Go after the real bad guys. Anyone else got a suggestion? 303 00:15:12,448 --> 00:15:14,870 - Fly-tippers? No! Murderers! - Yes. 304 00:15:14,953 --> 00:15:16,289 What about the elderly? 305 00:15:16,372 --> 00:15:17,667 - Yeah, fuck 'em. - No. No. 306 00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:21,174 I mean, like, people who scam the elderly. Like telemarketers. 307 00:15:21,257 --> 00:15:22,677 [Seb] Or the drug dealers, 308 00:15:22,761 --> 00:15:25,975 uh, people who put their bag next to them on the empty seat in the train, 309 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,394 rapists? 310 00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:33,448 I swear I had another marker here somewhere. Sorry. 311 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,622 I can get you one. Give me two minutes. 312 00:15:36,705 --> 00:15:38,041 - [belt buckle chinking] - [clothes rustle] 313 00:15:38,124 --> 00:15:41,130 [grunts, pants] 314 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:42,675 What colour? 315 00:15:44,679 --> 00:15:47,894 ♪ Well, I'm cracking one open With the boys ♪ 316 00:15:47,977 --> 00:15:49,773 ♪ By myself ♪ 317 00:15:49,856 --> 00:15:51,777 [singer chuckles] 318 00:15:51,860 --> 00:15:57,371 ♪ Everybody thinks that I need professional help ♪ 319 00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:02,590 ♪ But I don't wanna Think about that anymore ♪ 320 00:16:03,258 --> 00:16:04,343 Tampons? 321 00:16:04,426 --> 00:16:06,807 ♪ And just because I woke up On someone's floor ♪ 322 00:16:06,890 --> 00:16:09,896 ♪ And asked who the fuck am I ♪ 323 00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:14,781 ♪ I didn't know it felt good to cry ♪ 324 00:16:15,867 --> 00:16:18,037 ♪ Yeah, I started from the bottom ♪ 325 00:16:18,121 --> 00:16:19,875 ♪ And I'm still at the bottom ♪ 326 00:16:19,958 --> 00:16:21,545 ♪ Yeah, I spent the night in jail ♪ 327 00:16:21,628 --> 00:16:24,008 ♪ Turns out it wasn't the bottom ♪ 328 00:16:24,091 --> 00:16:25,093 [music stops] 329 00:16:25,177 --> 00:16:28,517 [Gregor] Okay, so we're down to nonces versus children. 330 00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:30,688 Uh, surely that's a tautology? 331 00:16:30,771 --> 00:16:33,569 Uh, wouldn't we be protecting the children from the nonces? 332 00:16:33,652 --> 00:16:34,988 They cancel each other out. 333 00:16:35,071 --> 00:16:37,409 It should be children versus women. 334 00:16:38,286 --> 00:16:42,712 If we help women, like, protecting them walking home at night or something, 335 00:16:42,795 --> 00:16:44,716 I think they'd be really grateful. 336 00:16:44,799 --> 00:16:47,054 Not that we'd ask them for anything in return. 337 00:16:47,137 --> 00:16:50,645 But if they did want to thank us, just a perk of the job. 338 00:16:50,728 --> 00:16:52,815 Yeah, we're talking about them fucking us, right? 339 00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:55,153 - No. - What? No! 340 00:16:55,237 --> 00:16:57,199 [Kash] No one sleeps with anyone they save. 341 00:16:57,282 --> 00:16:59,036 I'm drawing this ethical line in the sand now. 342 00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,790 What if someone wants to give us money? 343 00:17:00,873 --> 00:17:02,502 Well, that's just tipping. That's fine. 344 00:17:02,585 --> 00:17:05,549 I'd like to put myself forward as task force leader for this one. 345 00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:10,225 I know women. I respect women. I love women. 346 00:17:10,810 --> 00:17:13,816 - Well, I love women more than you do. - I have four sisters. 347 00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:14,901 I have a mum. 348 00:17:15,820 --> 00:17:18,283 - I've got two mums. - I've got a girlfriend. Do you? 349 00:17:19,201 --> 00:17:21,330 - I don't currently have... - Ha! Three-two. 350 00:17:22,457 --> 00:17:24,044 But that also means 351 00:17:25,088 --> 00:17:27,510 that I don't view women solely as sexual objects. 352 00:17:27,593 --> 00:17:29,305 Neither do I. I barely fuck my girlfriend. 353 00:17:29,388 --> 00:17:32,520 I read Jane Austen novels for fun. 354 00:17:36,903 --> 00:17:38,156 I know where the clitoris is. 355 00:17:38,239 --> 00:17:39,534 [gasps] 356 00:17:44,878 --> 00:17:45,713 Prove it. 357 00:17:47,090 --> 00:17:49,763 [hyperventilates] 358 00:17:49,846 --> 00:17:51,349 Have some water, pet. 359 00:17:56,233 --> 00:17:57,235 [pants] 360 00:17:58,321 --> 00:18:00,660 It's just… a lot. 361 00:18:00,743 --> 00:18:02,496 You buying the tampons for your girlfriend? 362 00:18:02,580 --> 00:18:03,832 No, he's a boyfriend. 363 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,880 Oh. You kids and your genders. Love it. 364 00:18:07,674 --> 00:18:09,803 I've been away for a while. 365 00:18:09,886 --> 00:18:12,558 There's too much everything. 366 00:18:13,476 --> 00:18:15,188 I'm sorry. I'm useless. 367 00:18:15,271 --> 00:18:18,862 Oh, chicken, no. We all learn at our own pace. 368 00:18:18,946 --> 00:18:20,950 I can help you get what you need. 369 00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:25,333 What's their period like? Heavy? A lot of clotting? 370 00:18:25,417 --> 00:18:27,212 Do they like an applicator or non? 371 00:18:27,295 --> 00:18:28,507 What's a period? 372 00:18:29,551 --> 00:18:32,264 Oh, Lord. [sighs] Okay. [chuckles] 373 00:18:32,347 --> 00:18:35,478 I can see we're gonna have to start from the beginning. 374 00:18:42,535 --> 00:18:44,998 [Colt] Come on, chica. Is this strictly necessary? 375 00:18:45,081 --> 00:18:48,672 When you stop trying to unhook your bra, then the shame mitts can come off. 376 00:18:48,756 --> 00:18:50,885 - [Colt] Honey pie! Sorry. Sorry. - Stop that! 377 00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:51,970 [Colt grunts] 378 00:18:54,099 --> 00:18:56,270 Darlin', can you turn these for me? 379 00:18:56,353 --> 00:18:59,026 I ain't looked at these songs in 30 years. 380 00:18:59,109 --> 00:19:01,197 Need a refresher on the old lyrics. 381 00:19:06,708 --> 00:19:09,296 [Carrie] Jen, have you read these lyrics? 382 00:19:09,881 --> 00:19:13,179 I'm not a prude, but they're not exactly very respectful to women or Canadians. 383 00:19:13,262 --> 00:19:16,978 I'm sure they're not that ba... Okay. Oh, no. 384 00:19:17,062 --> 00:19:18,524 I don't think I can do this. 385 00:19:18,607 --> 00:19:21,613 What? Of course you can. No, you can do this. 386 00:19:21,696 --> 00:19:23,199 Do this, please. 387 00:19:24,159 --> 00:19:26,455 I don't think I feel comfortable saying this stuff. 388 00:19:27,123 --> 00:19:29,086 But it's not really you saying it, though. Is it? 389 00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:32,342 It's coming out of my mouth. My mouth is making the shape of the words. 390 00:19:32,425 --> 00:19:33,887 I don't wanna have a sexist mouth. 391 00:19:33,971 --> 00:19:35,683 What if I ever meet Malala? I'll be mortified. 392 00:19:35,766 --> 00:19:36,768 Look, Carrie, babe. 393 00:19:36,852 --> 00:19:41,318 Look, you know I would never ask you to do something you're uncomfortable with. 394 00:19:41,402 --> 00:19:44,199 Unless someone's going to pay us £300,000 to do it, okay? 395 00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:45,326 So, maybe just do it? 396 00:19:51,171 --> 00:19:54,637 Oh, if I could just make some adjustments to the source material. 397 00:19:54,721 --> 00:19:56,056 He barely remembers what he wrote. 398 00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:57,894 He'll sing whatever you put in front of him. 399 00:19:57,977 --> 00:20:00,649 Yes. Okay, compromise. It's the beauty of negotiation. 400 00:20:03,487 --> 00:20:04,616 Oh, where are you going? 401 00:20:05,576 --> 00:20:07,747 I made them get me a handsome Latin masseur, Carrie. 402 00:20:07,830 --> 00:20:09,291 I'm not passing that up. 403 00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:11,420 You've got this, okay? Don't worry about it. 404 00:20:12,005 --> 00:20:13,842 ♪ I don't know who's getting ready ♪ 405 00:20:13,926 --> 00:20:15,554 ♪ I don't know who's getting ♪ 406 00:20:15,638 --> 00:20:16,973 ♪ But what a pity ♪ 407 00:20:17,057 --> 00:20:19,227 ♪ Such a pity city If there's no children ♪ 408 00:20:19,311 --> 00:20:21,942 ♪ I don't see them on the runway ♪ 409 00:20:22,025 --> 00:20:23,820 - ♪ They bus them in on Sundays ♪ - [Carrie gags] 410 00:20:23,904 --> 00:20:28,287 ♪ The visitors are needing to decide If you can come stay ♪ 411 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,898 Honestly, this is too easy. 412 00:20:41,982 --> 00:20:44,277 Well, do it then. Or do you not know? 413 00:20:44,361 --> 00:20:47,785 How can you lead a group saving women when you don't know where the "clid" is? 414 00:20:48,537 --> 00:20:49,580 The what? 415 00:20:50,373 --> 00:20:51,291 The "clid." 416 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,421 - Do you mean the clit? - That's what I said. 417 00:20:53,505 --> 00:20:54,674 No, you said "clid" with a "D." 418 00:20:54,757 --> 00:20:56,636 - He's stalling. I think we should... - I can do it. 419 00:21:20,099 --> 00:21:21,018 [door opens] 420 00:21:21,101 --> 00:21:23,355 Kash! I did it. I got, uh, your... 421 00:21:23,439 --> 00:21:25,903 - What's going on? - We're locating the clitoris. 422 00:21:25,986 --> 00:21:28,074 Oh, it's right there at the top underneath the clitoral hood 423 00:21:28,157 --> 00:21:29,326 at the crest of the labia minora. 424 00:21:29,409 --> 00:21:32,373 …Ora. Exactly. 425 00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,754 Guys, come on. It's basic knowledge. 426 00:21:35,254 --> 00:21:37,843 - That doesn't mean you win. - Kash, I have your tampons. 427 00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:41,726 See? I buy my girlfriend tampons. 428 00:21:41,810 --> 00:21:44,064 Maybe you would too, if you had one. 429 00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:47,362 Thank you. 430 00:22:02,433 --> 00:22:05,649 [Colt] You know, I like my women the way I like my guns. 431 00:22:05,732 --> 00:22:06,818 With a silencer. 432 00:22:06,901 --> 00:22:08,572 [laughs] 433 00:22:08,655 --> 00:22:10,701 This here is a tribute to the perfect woman. 434 00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,921 ♪ I met her at a downtown bar ♪ 435 00:22:17,005 --> 00:22:19,092 ♪ She was waiting on drunks ♪ 436 00:22:20,136 --> 00:22:24,562 ♪ Lord, she had a mouth that was Only good for… measured debate ♪ 437 00:22:26,524 --> 00:22:29,739 ♪ And an ass that screamed "Respect me as an intellectual equal" ♪ 438 00:22:29,822 --> 00:22:31,033 This doesn't sound right. 439 00:22:31,116 --> 00:22:33,120 - We may have made some minor changes. - [Colt] ♪ Perfect woman ♪ 440 00:22:33,204 --> 00:22:35,959 - Creative differences. - You can't just do that. 441 00:22:36,043 --> 00:22:39,049 [Colt] ♪ Now we're in The back of my big red truck ♪ 442 00:22:39,132 --> 00:22:42,388 ♪ Country music's playing And we're about to ♪ 443 00:22:43,432 --> 00:22:45,520 ♪ Have consensual sex ♪ 444 00:22:46,689 --> 00:22:47,691 You can barely notice it. 445 00:22:47,775 --> 00:22:50,404 [Colt] ♪ We rocked all night And she said she loved me ♪ 446 00:22:50,989 --> 00:22:52,993 ♪ But when the morning came ♪ 447 00:22:53,828 --> 00:22:58,337 ♪ I did what real men do And I licked her out ♪ 448 00:22:58,379 --> 00:23:01,218 Whoa! Hey! Man, I know that's not right. 449 00:23:01,301 --> 00:23:03,430 What the hell, man? What the hell? 450 00:23:03,515 --> 00:23:05,936 "I licked her out"? 451 00:23:06,019 --> 00:23:07,313 I think there's a market for it. 452 00:23:07,397 --> 00:23:09,944 [Colt] Maggie, you know I got a soft spot for you, 453 00:23:10,027 --> 00:23:12,658 but I sure as hell would never, ever lick you out, Maggie. 454 00:23:12,741 --> 00:23:15,288 Do you hear me? That shit is nasty. 455 00:23:15,789 --> 00:23:19,880 Who changed things? This is my song. Who changed these lyrics? 456 00:23:19,964 --> 00:23:22,511 ♪ Okay, that's just who I That's just who I ♪ 457 00:23:35,036 --> 00:23:37,457 £300,000. 458 00:23:41,507 --> 00:23:42,634 [Jen groans] 459 00:23:43,928 --> 00:23:44,764 [sighs] 460 00:23:44,847 --> 00:23:46,016 Okay. 461 00:23:47,310 --> 00:23:48,813 [Carrie] You don't have to eat them all. 462 00:23:49,314 --> 00:23:51,360 I'll never get to live the high life again, Carrie. 463 00:23:51,443 --> 00:23:53,740 I'm not even good at pretending to be successful. 464 00:23:53,823 --> 00:23:56,411 You were. For, like, an hour. 465 00:23:57,581 --> 00:24:00,461 Maybe I should've just sung the song as it was. 466 00:24:00,545 --> 00:24:04,135 I should say I'm proud of you for standing up for what you believe in. 467 00:24:07,392 --> 00:24:09,855 - Oh, you're really not going to, are you? - No. 468 00:24:10,899 --> 00:24:11,734 [sighs] 469 00:24:12,778 --> 00:24:13,822 [groans] 470 00:24:14,990 --> 00:24:18,205 It was so much money, Carrie. Oh, my God. 471 00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:20,919 [sighs] 472 00:24:21,002 --> 00:24:23,842 Maybe channelling other people is all I'm good for. 473 00:24:24,510 --> 00:24:27,724 Hey, shut the fuck up, you gorgeous idiot. 474 00:24:27,808 --> 00:24:30,564 - [Carrie chuckles] - Your lyrics were good. Your lyrics. 475 00:24:31,064 --> 00:24:32,316 - Yeah? - Yeah. 476 00:24:34,655 --> 00:24:37,034 And it's just money at the end of the day. 477 00:24:37,118 --> 00:24:38,120 It's only £300,000... 478 00:24:38,203 --> 00:24:41,836 Please don't say the amount. It causes me physical pain when I hear it. 479 00:24:44,174 --> 00:24:46,219 [Kash, Jizzlord through door cheers, laughs] 480 00:24:46,303 --> 00:24:47,931 [Kash] Come on! 481 00:25:06,343 --> 00:25:07,596 [Carrie clears throat] 482 00:25:09,975 --> 00:25:11,311 It was his idea. 483 00:25:12,146 --> 00:25:14,400 - I love it. - It was my idea. 484 00:25:20,872 --> 00:25:23,545 - What did you do today? - I know where the clitoris is. 485 00:25:24,379 --> 00:25:26,634 Okay, I am not unpacking that. 486 00:25:28,178 --> 00:25:29,389 How do you play this thing? 487 00:25:29,472 --> 00:25:32,604 - Okay, so everyone starts with five tamps. - [Kash] Mm-hmm. 488 00:25:32,688 --> 00:25:35,902 And you have to get from the Sanitary Valley 489 00:25:35,986 --> 00:25:37,990 to the Wings of Heaven. 490 00:25:38,073 --> 00:25:40,912 Mm-hmm. Don't get stuck in Absorbency Marshes though. 491 00:25:40,996 --> 00:25:42,874 - That loses you ten points. - Okay. 492 00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:44,920 And you'll start over here… 493 00:25:45,004 --> 00:25:47,926 [Jizzlord, indistinct] 494 00:25:48,010 --> 00:25:50,264 ♪ Getting strong today ♪ 495 00:25:51,182 --> 00:25:54,982 ♪ A giant step each day ♪ 496 00:25:55,650 --> 00:26:01,787 ♪ All I want in life is a little bit of Love to take the pain away ♪ 497 00:26:01,871 --> 00:26:04,752 - ♪ Getting strong today ♪ - ♪ Only fools rush in ♪ 498 00:26:05,629 --> 00:26:09,344 - ♪ A giant step each day ♪ - ♪ Only fools rush in ♪ 499 00:26:10,054 --> 00:26:15,982 ♪ All I want in life is a little bit of Love to take the pain away ♪ 500 00:26:16,066 --> 00:26:18,696 [knocking on door] 501 00:26:18,780 --> 00:26:20,992 [speeds up] 502 00:26:21,076 --> 00:26:22,078 [stops] 503 00:26:22,829 --> 00:26:25,125 - I think I left my umbrella here. - Magnet girl. 504 00:26:25,209 --> 00:26:26,211 I have a name. 505 00:26:26,921 --> 00:26:27,756 [magnetic humming] 506 00:26:27,839 --> 00:26:29,092 [sighs] 507 00:26:29,175 --> 00:26:31,179 - Have you got any piercings? - No. 508 00:26:32,056 --> 00:26:34,268 Well, you're hardly microchipped, are you? 509 00:26:35,270 --> 00:26:41,659 ♪ I will love you till I die ♪ 510 00:26:41,742 --> 00:26:48,589 ♪ And I will love you all the time ♪ 511 00:26:49,090 --> 00:26:55,895 ♪ So please put your sweet hand in mine ♪ 512 00:26:56,522 --> 00:26:59,862 ♪ And float in space ♪ 513 00:26:59,945 --> 00:27:03,285 ♪ And drift in time ♪ 514 00:27:04,078 --> 00:27:10,215 ♪ All I want in life is a little bit of Love to take the pain away ♪ 515 00:27:10,299 --> 00:27:17,146 ♪ We'll float in space just you and I ♪