1 00:00:02,738 --> 00:00:04,783 Good evening, everybody. 2 00:00:04,807 --> 00:00:08,453 You know, sometimes police officers are called upon 3 00:00:08,477 --> 00:00:12,491 to restrain activities of which they personally approve. 4 00:00:12,515 --> 00:00:14,593 At such times, 5 00:00:14,617 --> 00:00:17,295 stern duty must be our master. 6 00:00:17,319 --> 00:00:20,999 Because above all, the police must obey orders. 7 00:00:21,023 --> 00:00:24,369 Even if some orders, as we shall see, 8 00:00:24,393 --> 00:00:26,971 are like the instructions for the timer 9 00:00:26,995 --> 00:00:29,431 of an eight-day video recorder... 10 00:00:30,599 --> 00:00:34,035 Extremely difficult to follow. 11 00:00:44,814 --> 00:00:46,548 Well, I'm off then. 12 00:00:49,351 --> 00:00:51,453 I said, I'm off then! 13 00:00:53,088 --> 00:00:54,923 I said... 14 00:00:56,626 --> 00:00:58,470 I'm off then. 15 00:00:58,494 --> 00:01:00,839 Patricia, you are demeaning 16 00:01:00,863 --> 00:01:03,175 the good name of Gasforth police force. 17 00:01:03,199 --> 00:01:06,278 I don't give a donkey's doo-dah for the Gasforth police force. 18 00:01:06,302 --> 00:01:07,946 You do give a donkey's doo-dah. 19 00:01:07,970 --> 00:01:11,049 I don't give a donkey's doo-dah, and I'm going! 20 00:01:11,073 --> 00:01:13,752 Patricia, I forbid you to go. 21 00:01:13,776 --> 00:01:16,288 Please, Raymond, don't forbid me. 22 00:01:16,312 --> 00:01:18,690 I'm a bit late and I just haven't got time 23 00:01:18,714 --> 00:01:21,760 to roll around on the floor laughing till I'm physically sick. 24 00:01:21,784 --> 00:01:24,263 - But you are a policewoman. - No, I'm not. 25 00:01:24,287 --> 00:01:27,299 I'm an anarchist. For the next two weeks, 26 00:01:27,323 --> 00:01:30,302 I am a crazy, wild-eyed child of the forest. 27 00:01:30,326 --> 00:01:32,737 I am dedicating my life- 28 00:01:32,761 --> 00:01:35,073 Your holiday. 29 00:01:35,097 --> 00:01:39,478 My holiday to the traveling road protesters 30 00:01:39,502 --> 00:01:40,879 known as the dongas. 31 00:01:40,903 --> 00:01:43,782 And my name is not Patricia, 32 00:01:43,806 --> 00:01:46,007 it's Squirrel. 33 00:01:47,476 --> 00:01:51,523 - Squirrel Baggins. - Heavens and horlicks, Patricia. 34 00:01:51,547 --> 00:01:53,492 Gasforth needs a bypass. 35 00:01:53,516 --> 00:01:56,495 And you won't stop it by frolicking about in the woods 36 00:01:56,519 --> 00:01:58,797 calling yourself Troll or Gonk 37 00:01:58,821 --> 00:02:02,056 or Nutkin the sweet little tree-dwelling imp. 38 00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:05,667 Well, I have to try! 39 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:08,838 We do not inherit the earth from our parents, 40 00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:11,307 we borrow it from our children. 41 00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:13,876 We don't have any children. 42 00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:16,178 Yes, I'm aware of that. 43 00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:19,281 But the fact that you are a one-bonk-a-year man 44 00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:22,619 does not relieve me of my responsibility 45 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,511 to preserve the environment for future generations. 46 00:02:25,892 --> 00:02:28,181 You've changed since you became a donker. 47 00:02:30,072 --> 00:02:31,697 I feel I hardly know you... 48 00:02:32,111 --> 00:02:33,791 Squirel. 49 00:02:34,244 --> 00:02:37,174 Now, if you'll excuse me, I shall return to my newspaper. 50 00:02:46,556 --> 00:02:48,834 Well done. 51 00:02:48,858 --> 00:02:50,902 Carry on, carry on. 52 00:02:50,926 --> 00:02:53,094 Now as I'm sure you're all aware, 53 00:02:53,119 --> 00:02:56,289 the whole town is agog with talk of this new bypass. 54 00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:59,710 From road rage to road protest, 55 00:02:59,735 --> 00:03:03,349 anything to do with cars seems to provoke people's passions 56 00:03:03,373 --> 00:03:05,751 in a quite extraordinary manner. 57 00:03:05,775 --> 00:03:08,920 I'll find him, I swear I'll find him. 58 00:03:08,944 --> 00:03:12,525 I've seen some criminal swine in my years as a copper, 59 00:03:12,549 --> 00:03:17,029 I have witnessed some vile and horrendous deeds, 60 00:03:17,053 --> 00:03:20,932 but this-this has left me sad and sickened. 61 00:03:20,956 --> 00:03:23,169 Good heavens, Grim, what on earth happened? 62 00:03:23,193 --> 00:03:28,374 Some maniac has dinged my car. 63 00:03:28,398 --> 00:03:31,377 Not the Nissan micra with the go-faster kleenexes on the back shelf? 64 00:03:31,401 --> 00:03:34,046 Yes, yes! 65 00:03:34,070 --> 00:03:36,682 I think he scratched the paint. 66 00:03:36,706 --> 00:03:40,108 I can't tell till I get a magnifying glass out and have a proper look. 67 00:03:41,578 --> 00:03:44,356 But we were both pulling up at the lights, 68 00:03:44,380 --> 00:03:47,526 and the vile, despicable criminal 69 00:03:47,550 --> 00:03:49,761 scraped along my side. 70 00:03:49,785 --> 00:03:51,886 Perhaps you were in his lane. 71 00:03:53,022 --> 00:03:54,989 Perhaps you scraped him. 72 00:03:57,536 --> 00:03:59,537 What did you say? 73 00:03:59,562 --> 00:04:01,773 Well, I was just- 74 00:04:01,797 --> 00:04:05,800 I am a superb driver. 75 00:04:06,171 --> 00:04:09,569 - Where you changing lanes? - Yes, and I indicated. 76 00:04:09,594 --> 00:04:12,804 Nonetheless, you were changing lanes while approaching a traffic light. 77 00:04:14,023 --> 00:04:18,976 I have just told you I am a superb driver! 78 00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:20,836 Did you get his number? 79 00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:23,896 How could I? I was retuning the radio when it happened. 80 00:04:25,575 --> 00:04:26,827 I'll tell you though, 81 00:04:26,852 --> 00:04:28,688 if I hadn't had a cup of coffee in the other hand, 82 00:04:28,712 --> 00:04:30,577 I'd have given chase. 83 00:04:31,007 --> 00:04:33,102 Hey, here is a thought, sir. 84 00:04:33,127 --> 00:04:35,109 There's security cameras all over town, 85 00:04:35,133 --> 00:04:36,871 perhaps your dinger's been caught on video. 86 00:04:36,895 --> 00:04:38,445 Well done, Boyle! 87 00:04:38,469 --> 00:04:41,638 Requisition all tapes countywide. 88 00:04:42,359 --> 00:04:47,156 This insane maniac must be stopped before he can scratch again. 89 00:04:47,189 --> 00:04:49,267 So as I was saying, 90 00:04:49,291 --> 00:04:52,871 roads and cars are areas where passions run deep. 91 00:04:52,895 --> 00:04:55,240 And there can be no deeper passions 92 00:04:55,264 --> 00:04:58,209 than amongst the environmentalists of the donga tribe. 93 00:04:58,233 --> 00:05:01,379 Sergeant Dawkins has joined them for her holiday, hasn't she? 94 00:05:01,403 --> 00:05:02,881 I think it's great. 95 00:05:02,905 --> 00:05:05,818 Yes, me too. 96 00:05:05,842 --> 00:05:08,276 I wonder if she's had her nipples pierced yet? 97 00:05:09,545 --> 00:05:11,480 Be quiet, Goody! 98 00:05:13,349 --> 00:05:15,183 It's not compulsory, is it? 99 00:05:16,318 --> 00:05:18,363 - Oh no, no. - Okay. 100 00:05:18,387 --> 00:05:21,333 It's just when they're cavorting naked in a haze of marijuana, 101 00:05:21,357 --> 00:05:23,525 it gives them somewhere to hang their keys. 102 00:05:25,995 --> 00:05:27,773 Yes, well... 103 00:05:27,797 --> 00:05:29,875 nipples aside- 104 00:05:29,899 --> 00:05:32,534 I mean, nip and-I nip- 105 00:05:34,704 --> 00:05:36,281 I don't know what I mean, actually. 106 00:05:36,305 --> 00:05:37,816 Where were we? 107 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,418 Preparing to police the destruction of the planet, sir. 108 00:05:40,442 --> 00:05:42,855 Ah yes-really, constable! 109 00:05:42,879 --> 00:05:44,957 I do tire of this leftist hectoring. 110 00:05:44,981 --> 00:05:47,860 Have you read the police code of common purpose recently? 111 00:05:47,884 --> 00:05:50,762 Of course, sir. Every day, can't put it down. 112 00:05:50,786 --> 00:05:54,753 Then you'll be aware that it says that our job is to enforce the law, 113 00:05:54,778 --> 00:05:58,181 not to enforce the law if we happen to think it's a nice one. 114 00:05:59,662 --> 00:06:02,574 These environmentalists may have admirable intentions, 115 00:06:02,598 --> 00:06:04,877 but being decent and fair and honest 116 00:06:04,901 --> 00:06:08,246 doesn't necessarily make a person right, Habib. 117 00:06:08,270 --> 00:06:11,006 If it did, Rolf Harris would be prime minister. 118 00:06:13,175 --> 00:06:16,521 Now, in order to prepare ourselves for the tactics of these dongas, 119 00:06:16,545 --> 00:06:19,925 I intend to employ a role-playing technique. 120 00:06:19,949 --> 00:06:23,228 We will create a scenario and act out the parts. 121 00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:26,154 Acting, how exciting! 122 00:06:27,456 --> 00:06:29,791 Does that mean I can call you "darling"? 123 00:06:32,295 --> 00:06:34,773 Only if you wish to spend the rest of your career 124 00:06:34,797 --> 00:06:38,043 putting out traffic cones on the M25, laddie. 125 00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:40,879 Now then, since you seem so eager to act, Goody, 126 00:06:40,903 --> 00:06:44,216 we are going to role-play a protestor tied to a tree. 127 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,251 Goody, you take that part. 128 00:06:46,275 --> 00:06:49,945 Thank you, sir. I am brilliant at acting. 129 00:06:54,131 --> 00:06:55,619 What are you doing, Goody? 130 00:06:55,643 --> 00:06:57,934 I'm doing what you told me, I'm being the tree. 131 00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:00,809 I meant be the protestor. 132 00:07:00,834 --> 00:07:02,868 Besides which, you don't look a bit like a tree. 133 00:07:02,892 --> 00:07:04,769 I thought you said you could act. 134 00:07:04,793 --> 00:07:07,672 You look like a plank. 135 00:07:07,696 --> 00:07:10,342 Where's your willowy bendiness? 136 00:07:10,366 --> 00:07:13,245 I want to be able to picture your gnarled old trunk. 137 00:07:13,269 --> 00:07:16,048 I beg your pardon, sir! 138 00:07:16,072 --> 00:07:18,483 I can do an impression of a plum tree, sir, 139 00:07:18,507 --> 00:07:21,320 but it means taking my trousers off. 140 00:07:21,344 --> 00:07:23,355 No, Gladstone. 141 00:07:23,379 --> 00:07:25,157 No, Gladstone, thank you. 142 00:07:25,181 --> 00:07:27,759 I will be the tree. I will be the tree. 143 00:07:27,783 --> 00:07:31,830 Now, I've just got to get my focus, 144 00:07:31,854 --> 00:07:33,554 and... 145 00:07:37,559 --> 00:07:39,804 are you doing it now, sir? 146 00:07:39,828 --> 00:07:43,008 - Yes, of course I'm doing it now, Habib. - You look like a moose. 147 00:07:43,032 --> 00:07:46,011 Well, I feel like a tree. 148 00:07:46,035 --> 00:07:48,914 - Well, it's very interesting, sir. - Thank you, Habib. 149 00:07:48,938 --> 00:07:51,683 A talking tree, you don't get many of them. 150 00:07:51,707 --> 00:07:55,720 Cleverness is unattractive in a police officer, Habib. 151 00:07:55,744 --> 00:07:57,522 I've got an idea, sir. 152 00:07:57,546 --> 00:08:00,192 Why don't you hold my apple? 153 00:08:00,216 --> 00:08:02,194 My mom gives me one every day 154 00:08:02,218 --> 00:08:04,462 but I never eat it because I prefer sweets. 155 00:08:04,486 --> 00:08:06,899 Thank you. If you think it'll work. 156 00:08:06,923 --> 00:08:09,968 How about stuffing my pot plant 157 00:08:09,992 --> 00:08:12,204 in your jacket, sir? 158 00:08:12,228 --> 00:08:15,040 Ah, good. Give you a bit of foliage. 159 00:08:15,064 --> 00:08:17,409 Yes, perhaps. Thank you, Gladstone. 160 00:08:17,433 --> 00:08:20,545 I was accrington brownies' origami champion, sir. 161 00:08:20,569 --> 00:08:22,948 Look, a swallow! 162 00:08:22,972 --> 00:08:25,217 Ah, good. Excellent, excellent. 163 00:08:25,241 --> 00:08:29,221 There you go, tweet, tweet. 164 00:08:29,245 --> 00:08:32,690 Role-playing is the key to modern training and props are important. 165 00:08:32,714 --> 00:08:35,294 So, I am now a totally convincing tree. 166 00:08:35,318 --> 00:08:38,530 Totally, sir. If I was a dog, I'd lift my leg. 167 00:08:38,554 --> 00:08:41,033 Yes, thank you, Habib. Thank you. 168 00:08:41,057 --> 00:08:44,169 Now, Goody, you be an angry protestor. 169 00:08:44,193 --> 00:08:48,606 I won't! I don't want to. I hate you, I hate you! 170 00:08:48,630 --> 00:08:51,944 Goody, I didn't mean protest about just anything. 171 00:08:51,968 --> 00:08:54,179 - Oh, okay. - Now, get hold of that rope 172 00:08:54,203 --> 00:08:56,415 and pretend to tie yourself to me. 173 00:08:56,439 --> 00:08:59,184 And remember you are an environmental protestor. 174 00:08:59,208 --> 00:09:00,908 - Yes, yes. - Come on. 175 00:09:03,062 --> 00:09:05,730 My womb is the earth... 176 00:09:06,966 --> 00:09:09,577 my breast milk its rivers. 177 00:09:09,601 --> 00:09:13,115 I am the she-goddess lesbos! 178 00:09:13,139 --> 00:09:16,384 Goody, what in satan's sausage sandwich are you saying? 179 00:09:16,408 --> 00:09:19,454 I am being a protestor, sir. 180 00:09:19,478 --> 00:09:22,624 When I was a cadet, we policed a no-nuke demo 181 00:09:22,648 --> 00:09:25,493 and a gang of women sang that at us for 15 hours. 182 00:09:25,517 --> 00:09:27,729 We're not gonna sing it here. Get back to your desk. 183 00:09:27,753 --> 00:09:30,582 Shall I pretend to untie the pretend knot I just pretended to tie? 184 00:09:30,707 --> 00:09:34,589 - Just go. - I was just trying to make it more real. 185 00:09:35,426 --> 00:09:36,808 Sir, sir. 186 00:09:36,833 --> 00:09:39,574 I can tell you how to deal with a tree and a person. 187 00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:41,611 Well, make it quick. My arms are aching. 188 00:09:41,636 --> 00:09:44,097 Idea, sir-pretend it's autumn, drop the apple. 189 00:09:46,724 --> 00:09:50,372 Maybe you could be a Virginia Creeper, sir. Then you could lean against the wall. 190 00:09:50,404 --> 00:09:52,545 - Just get on with it, Gladston. - Yes, yes. 191 00:09:52,570 --> 00:09:54,935 You see, as a young constable in London 192 00:09:54,967 --> 00:10:00,459 I was party to a a very regrettable incident involving a man with no trousers 193 00:10:00,484 --> 00:10:03,163 chained to the railings of Buckingham palace. 194 00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:06,296 Good heavens! Was the fellow protesting. 195 00:10:06,321 --> 00:10:09,414 I should think I was, sir. I was getting married that morning. 196 00:10:10,460 --> 00:10:14,397 Anyway, the police cut me free and I got married. 197 00:10:14,429 --> 00:10:16,702 Wrapped in a suvenier tea towel. 198 00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:21,804 So, what you are suggesting is that when we encounter chained protesters 199 00:10:21,858 --> 00:10:24,825 - we should call the police? - Well, it worked with me. 200 00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:28,763 For heaven's sake, we are about to police a serious public disorder. 201 00:10:28,787 --> 00:10:33,591 I have created a brilliant evocation of a mighty and towering oak tree- 202 00:10:33,616 --> 00:10:36,676 - Apple tree. - A mighty and towering apple tree- 203 00:10:36,701 --> 00:10:40,508 - With one apple. - I've had a heavy windfall. 204 00:10:40,533 --> 00:10:42,043 I'm sorry, sir. 205 00:10:42,067 --> 00:10:43,979 It's just more common for the protestors 206 00:10:44,003 --> 00:10:45,981 to remain up the tree in their dwellings. 207 00:10:46,005 --> 00:10:48,440 Really, Kevin should be nestling in your foliage. 208 00:10:50,575 --> 00:10:52,854 Perhaps if he was to sit on your shoulders, 209 00:10:52,878 --> 00:10:54,989 then Frank and I can try and get him down. 210 00:10:55,013 --> 00:10:57,391 Hmmm, yes, you may be right there, Habib. 211 00:10:57,415 --> 00:10:59,861 Certainly worth a try. Constable Goody, get up on my desk please. 212 00:10:59,885 --> 00:11:02,731 - Yes, yes. - Feet apart, come on. 213 00:11:02,755 --> 00:11:05,367 Yes, can't constable Habib do this? 214 00:11:05,391 --> 00:11:07,836 I'm not sticking my head in there, Kevin. 215 00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:11,240 - No, you get your leg over inspector Fowler. - Goody! 216 00:11:11,264 --> 00:11:14,964 Constable Habib is a woman of the opposite sex. 217 00:11:14,989 --> 00:11:18,450 If I'm going to get between anybody's legs, it's going to be a man's. 218 00:11:19,639 --> 00:11:22,251 Come on, boy. Spread your haunches. 219 00:11:22,275 --> 00:11:25,543 Okay. Don't bend my Curly Wurly, please. 220 00:11:27,380 --> 00:11:29,057 - Oh, oh, oh! - Good. 221 00:11:29,081 --> 00:11:31,793 - Mind out for my love blobs. - Oh, be quiet, Goody! 222 00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:35,146 Be quiet. Now, Goody is the protestor, 223 00:11:35,171 --> 00:11:36,698 I am the tree, 224 00:11:36,722 --> 00:11:40,402 Habib and Gladstone, how are you, the police, going to get him down? 225 00:11:40,426 --> 00:11:42,694 I'll come down, I'll come down! 226 00:11:42,719 --> 00:11:45,857 When our next door neighbor cat gets stranded in a tree, 227 00:11:45,881 --> 00:11:49,027 the old man always put a saucer of milk at the bottom 228 00:11:49,051 --> 00:11:50,929 to tempt it down. 229 00:11:50,953 --> 00:11:53,431 I see. And you think the same technique might work 230 00:11:53,455 --> 00:11:55,666 with committed environmental activists? 231 00:11:55,690 --> 00:11:57,685 Well, maybe if we add some biscuits? 232 00:11:57,710 --> 00:12:00,255 - I could make some fudge. - You're going quite bald- 233 00:12:00,279 --> 00:12:02,457 Really, this is quite absurd! None of you are able 234 00:12:02,481 --> 00:12:05,427 to respond at all to the simplest of role-playing techniques. 235 00:12:05,451 --> 00:12:07,529 I'm going to put you back on your desk, Goody. 236 00:12:07,553 --> 00:12:09,097 Okay, mind my gonks. 237 00:12:09,121 --> 00:12:11,169 I can't keep you up all day. 238 00:12:11,194 --> 00:12:14,035 Actually, you know the feeling of someone's ears on your inner thighs 239 00:12:14,059 --> 00:12:15,560 isn't entirely unpleasant. 240 00:12:18,897 --> 00:12:20,608 So that's the trick then, is it, sir? 241 00:12:20,632 --> 00:12:22,643 Just wait around till the tree gets tired? 242 00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:25,413 Smarty pants gets no thanks, Habib. 243 00:12:25,437 --> 00:12:28,639 Clever clogs get scragged in the bogs. 244 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:31,219 We learnt in training 245 00:12:31,243 --> 00:12:33,822 that the only way to get these tree-dwellers down 246 00:12:33,846 --> 00:12:35,356 is to attach a locked line to them 247 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,981 and gently tease them down. 248 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:40,265 Right. In that case, I will be the tree-dweller this time. 249 00:12:40,290 --> 00:12:42,196 Gladstone, will you kindly be a tree? 250 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,999 - Oh yes, sir. - Not your plum tree! 251 00:12:45,023 --> 00:12:48,570 Not your plum tree! Just come here and hoist me up. 252 00:12:48,594 --> 00:12:50,605 - Oh, okay, sir. - Come along, come along. 253 00:12:50,629 --> 00:12:53,374 Now, somebody get hold of one end of the rope. 254 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:56,744 Hand it up to me. Thank you. Goody, you get hold of the other end. 255 00:12:56,768 --> 00:12:59,547 - Yes, yes. - Now, pull it, 256 00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:02,172 and gently tease me. 257 00:13:05,519 --> 00:13:08,354 - Excuse me? - I can't stay up here all day, laddie! 258 00:13:08,379 --> 00:13:11,759 I've got a large constable between my legs. Tease me, tease me! 259 00:13:11,783 --> 00:13:13,761 All right, okay. Umm... 260 00:13:13,785 --> 00:13:16,965 okay, what's the difference between inspector Fowler 261 00:13:16,989 --> 00:13:19,033 - and the canteen cabbage? - What? 262 00:13:19,057 --> 00:13:21,058 The cabbage once had a bit of life in it. 263 00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:26,340 I'm afraid I can't take credit for that one, sir. 264 00:13:26,364 --> 00:13:28,676 - It was constable Habib's. - Thanks a lot, Kevin! 265 00:13:28,700 --> 00:13:30,678 - Goody! - Here's one Gary Boyle made up. 266 00:13:30,702 --> 00:13:32,780 - No, I didn't. - What's the difference 267 00:13:32,804 --> 00:13:35,049 between the manager of Barclays having a fight 268 00:13:35,073 --> 00:13:37,251 and inspector Fowler having a conversation? 269 00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:39,587 One's a warring banker, 270 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:41,889 - the other one's a boring- - right, let me down! 271 00:13:41,913 --> 00:13:43,825 Let me down! 272 00:13:43,849 --> 00:13:45,616 It worked, he's coming down! 273 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:50,197 Goody, I meant tease as in "pull the rope"! 274 00:13:50,221 --> 00:13:53,601 Not tease as in "run a very serious risk of being charged." 275 00:13:53,625 --> 00:13:57,271 Honestly, I've done my best for you lot. 276 00:13:57,295 --> 00:14:00,541 You began this briefing totally and utterly unprepared, 277 00:14:00,565 --> 00:14:02,176 and you complete it 278 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,368 slightly less prepared than that. 279 00:14:05,833 --> 00:14:08,473 Well, the coach leaves for the protest at 11:30. 280 00:14:08,498 --> 00:14:11,996 Good luck. Try to keep your tempers, disport yourselves with dignity, 281 00:14:12,044 --> 00:14:15,309 and above all, try not to arrest Seargent Dawkins. 282 00:14:15,346 --> 00:14:17,080 Dismissed. 283 00:14:17,105 --> 00:14:19,984 Tools of the road lobby, that's what we are. 284 00:14:20,008 --> 00:14:22,620 Don't be so soft. We need this bypass. 285 00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:25,556 Blimey, if I weren't a copper and allowed to park on the pavement 286 00:14:25,580 --> 00:14:28,760 and drive up one-way streets, I don't think I'd bother owning a car. 287 00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:30,762 The way to reduce traffic 288 00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:32,630 is to get people to share their cars. 289 00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:35,066 I'm not sharing my car with anyone, 290 00:14:35,090 --> 00:14:37,601 especially veggie environmentalists. 291 00:14:37,625 --> 00:14:39,737 I don't want some bean-eating greenie 292 00:14:39,761 --> 00:14:41,628 blowing off into my leatherette. 293 00:14:48,203 --> 00:14:49,867 What are you lurking about for, Kevin? 294 00:14:49,892 --> 00:14:53,017 - Oh, nothing. - Well, get on the bus then. 295 00:14:53,041 --> 00:14:54,711 Well, actually, 296 00:14:54,736 --> 00:14:58,422 I've got something under my jacket that I'd quite like to show you. 297 00:14:58,446 --> 00:15:01,159 But I think I'll wait until the swelling goes down. 298 00:15:01,183 --> 00:15:04,996 - I should speak to your mother! - God no! Don't, she'd kill me! 299 00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:07,464 You see, the thing is... 300 00:15:07,488 --> 00:15:09,633 I've got a new belly button. 301 00:15:09,657 --> 00:15:12,860 - A new belly button? - As good as. 302 00:15:13,862 --> 00:15:15,963 I've had it pierced. 303 00:15:17,215 --> 00:15:19,160 - No! - Yes! 304 00:15:19,184 --> 00:15:22,129 I was very influenced by these road protestors. 305 00:15:22,153 --> 00:15:24,999 See, no more Mr. Nice Guy, no, no. 306 00:15:25,023 --> 00:15:28,135 I'm young, I'm virile, 307 00:15:28,159 --> 00:15:31,573 and I've got a bright red swollen belly button to prove it. 308 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,741 - Didn't it hurt? - Well, yes, 309 00:15:33,765 --> 00:15:37,011 I did feel a bit of a prick. 310 00:15:37,035 --> 00:15:40,782 But it will be worth it if you're so impressed with it 311 00:15:40,806 --> 00:15:42,884 that you drag me back to your place 312 00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:46,087 and you give me a right flipping seeing to. 313 00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:49,491 Kevin, you could staple your belly button to a double-decker bus 314 00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,716 and I still wouldn't give you a seeing to. 315 00:15:51,835 --> 00:15:55,348 Quite franky, I'd rather get my legs over a dead halibut. 316 00:15:55,373 --> 00:15:56,961 So you'll think about it then? 317 00:15:56,985 --> 00:15:58,729 Look, Kevin, 318 00:15:58,753 --> 00:16:01,032 you really should forget about me. 319 00:16:01,056 --> 00:16:03,401 There's lots of nice girls out there, you know? 320 00:16:03,425 --> 00:16:05,770 Good-looking bloke like you, 321 00:16:05,794 --> 00:16:08,239 swollen belly button, 322 00:16:08,263 --> 00:16:10,698 you could take your pick. 323 00:16:14,069 --> 00:16:17,315 Get out there, lean on people, 324 00:16:17,339 --> 00:16:20,618 call in favors, bend the rules if necessary. 325 00:16:20,642 --> 00:16:22,853 And watch yourselves. 326 00:16:22,877 --> 00:16:25,456 What we had hoped was a simple ding 327 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,881 has now been confirmed as a scratch. 328 00:16:29,318 --> 00:16:31,829 We are dealing with a scratcher. 329 00:16:31,853 --> 00:16:36,467 A vicious, immoral, imbalanced maniac. 330 00:16:36,491 --> 00:16:38,403 Inspector Grim, can I have a word, please? 331 00:16:38,427 --> 00:16:40,838 - Be quick, don't fanny about. - Of course. 332 00:16:40,862 --> 00:16:43,874 I have no time for fannying, about or otherwise. 333 00:16:43,898 --> 00:16:47,545 Fanny about on someone else's time, not mine, 'cause I haven't got any. 334 00:16:47,569 --> 00:16:52,149 Find someone who's got time to fanny about, and fanny about with them. 335 00:16:52,173 --> 00:16:55,587 I haven't, mate, so fannying about with me is out. 336 00:16:55,611 --> 00:16:59,757 Look, Derek, you're clearly late for your lobotomy. I'll come back later. 337 00:16:59,781 --> 00:17:03,583 Very funny, Raymond, tres drolly. 338 00:17:03,608 --> 00:17:07,263 And while you are taking the crumbles, society piddles. 339 00:17:07,288 --> 00:17:11,460 I mean, while you are taking the piddle, society crumbles. 340 00:17:11,485 --> 00:17:14,131 Listen, I've had a letter from the chief constable 341 00:17:14,155 --> 00:17:17,601 warning us of an MI5 undercover operation in this area. 342 00:17:17,625 --> 00:17:20,803 Apparently they're infiltrating these road protestors. 343 00:17:20,827 --> 00:17:24,974 Hardly James Bond is it? From dinner jackets and kalashnikovs, 344 00:17:24,998 --> 00:17:28,911 to anoraks and jam jars full of cold urine. 345 00:17:28,935 --> 00:17:31,781 I haven't got time, Raymond. 346 00:17:31,805 --> 00:17:35,084 I am involved in serious police work. 347 00:17:35,108 --> 00:17:38,087 If you get in the way, I'm responsible. 348 00:17:38,111 --> 00:17:41,814 Your cock up, my ass. 349 00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:46,696 Oh, I'm sorry, Grim, I thought you might be interested 350 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:50,133 in the fact that parliament is allowing the authority of the police 351 00:17:50,157 --> 00:17:53,903 to be usurped by secret and unaccountable organizations. 352 00:17:53,927 --> 00:17:57,240 You're not listening to me, Fowler. 353 00:17:57,264 --> 00:18:01,878 Let me spell it out. Someone has dinged my motor! 354 00:18:01,902 --> 00:18:05,148 Inspector Grim, kindly keep your personal emotions under control. 355 00:18:05,172 --> 00:18:08,818 "My personal emotions"? Oh my. 356 00:18:08,842 --> 00:18:11,521 I'm not the one whose bird would rather spend the night 357 00:18:11,545 --> 00:18:14,057 with a bunch of flea-bitten criminal hippies 358 00:18:14,081 --> 00:18:15,825 than sleep with her bloke. 359 00:18:15,849 --> 00:18:18,861 If you're referring to sergeant Dawkins, 360 00:18:18,885 --> 00:18:20,963 she is not sleeping with me 361 00:18:20,987 --> 00:18:23,900 in order to preserve the planet! 362 00:18:23,924 --> 00:18:25,502 Blimey! 363 00:18:25,526 --> 00:18:27,470 She must be desperate 364 00:18:27,494 --> 00:18:30,064 to come up with an excuse like that. 365 00:18:30,267 --> 00:18:33,266 My Tina just says she's got a headache. 366 00:18:34,397 --> 00:18:37,506 - Trees, not roads! - Trees, not roads! 367 00:18:37,537 --> 00:18:40,420 - Trees, not roads! - Trees, not roads! 368 00:18:40,451 --> 00:18:43,240 - Trees, not roads! - Come on lads. 369 00:18:48,592 --> 00:18:51,201 Now tthese demonstrators play by pretty rought rules. 370 00:18:51,226 --> 00:18:54,608 So we have to be tough. Tougher than a gravel sandwich. 371 00:18:58,217 --> 00:18:59,912 Excuse me. 372 00:18:59,937 --> 00:19:02,779 Stop that you swine! You have no right to use force. 373 00:19:02,804 --> 00:19:04,686 I shall arrest the pair of you. 374 00:19:04,733 --> 00:19:07,701 - Are you alright, Patricia? - Thanks, gum. 375 00:19:08,278 --> 00:19:11,059 Didn't realize there are any decent pigs left. 376 00:19:12,490 --> 00:19:15,850 Just checking. Carry on you men, carry on. 377 00:19:18,669 --> 00:19:21,348 Come here! Come here, you! 378 00:19:21,372 --> 00:19:24,608 - All going well, inspector? - I don't know, I haven't found her yet. 379 00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:30,294 ♪ You can't kill the spirit ♪ 380 00:19:30,319 --> 00:19:34,770 ♪ she's like a mountain. She's big and strong. ♪ 381 00:19:34,795 --> 00:19:37,406 ♪ She goes on and on and on ♪ 382 00:19:37,430 --> 00:19:39,809 ♪ you can't kill the spirit- ♪ 383 00:19:39,833 --> 00:19:42,504 All right, miss, move along now, move along. 384 00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:46,145 I'm chained to a tree. And I have thrown away the key. 385 00:19:46,235 --> 00:19:48,914 How can I move along, pig? 386 00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:51,083 Yes, of course, 387 00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,709 Hello, Mr. Thickie. 388 00:19:54,629 --> 00:19:57,801 Now I hope that you've told your men to be as gentle as possible. 389 00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:00,613 Particularly to the women. 390 00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:03,426 Particularly the blonde women. 391 00:20:04,145 --> 00:20:07,605 5 foot 6, blue eyes, sometimes chew their lower lip- 392 00:20:07,630 --> 00:20:09,793 But- those sort of women. 393 00:20:11,809 --> 00:20:13,519 Go on, and get her. 394 00:20:13,544 --> 00:20:17,357 Unhand this tree, you eco-nazis! 395 00:20:17,381 --> 00:20:20,894 Excuse me. Stop, stop! I'll handle this. 396 00:20:20,918 --> 00:20:23,430 My name's Elf. 397 00:20:23,454 --> 00:20:26,800 Elf, it's a beautiful name. 398 00:20:26,824 --> 00:20:28,968 My name's Kevin. 399 00:20:28,992 --> 00:20:32,005 Patricia, come down this instant. 400 00:20:32,029 --> 00:20:34,597 I will not. The earth needs me. 401 00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:37,911 Why are you doing this, Kevin? 402 00:20:37,935 --> 00:20:40,947 Did you join the police to fight for justice 403 00:20:40,971 --> 00:20:43,417 or to strut about in a nice uniform? 404 00:20:43,441 --> 00:20:45,285 It was a bit of both really. 405 00:20:45,309 --> 00:20:48,355 Then join us, Kevin, chain yourself to me. 406 00:20:48,379 --> 00:20:51,481 Help me protect our children. 407 00:20:51,982 --> 00:20:54,828 You're making an absolute fool of yourself, Patricia. 408 00:20:54,852 --> 00:20:57,030 My name is Squirrel Baggins. 409 00:20:57,054 --> 00:21:01,134 Giving an alias to the police is an extremely serious matter. 410 00:21:01,158 --> 00:21:04,204 It is not a criminal offense to take an assumed name. 411 00:21:04,228 --> 00:21:06,963 It is if it's Squirrel Baggins. 412 00:21:08,131 --> 00:21:11,311 ♪ You can't kill the spirit ♪ 413 00:21:11,335 --> 00:21:13,802 ♪ she's like a mountain... ♪ 414 00:21:15,705 --> 00:21:17,150 Now... 415 00:21:17,174 --> 00:21:19,252 I'm going to attach this rope to you- 416 00:21:19,276 --> 00:21:21,855 Get back, get back, you fascist! 417 00:21:21,879 --> 00:21:24,057 - Ow! - Patricia, are you all right? 418 00:21:24,081 --> 00:21:27,293 Police brutality! Police brutality! 419 00:21:27,317 --> 00:21:29,051 Hey! 420 00:21:30,754 --> 00:21:32,498 Stand back, pig! 421 00:21:32,522 --> 00:21:35,168 Aren't there any burglars and muggers out there? 422 00:21:35,192 --> 00:21:37,536 Or does the public pay you to defend it from 423 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,773 beautiful, wounded woodland nymphs? 424 00:21:40,797 --> 00:21:41,998 Gosh. 425 00:21:47,470 --> 00:21:49,471 - Ha! - Whoa! 426 00:21:52,609 --> 00:21:55,088 Let me down! Let me down at once! 427 00:21:55,112 --> 00:21:57,880 If you don't, you will leave me no choice but to arrest you. 428 00:21:59,482 --> 00:22:01,627 Right, that's it. You are under arrest. 429 00:22:01,651 --> 00:22:03,185 Come along with me. 430 00:22:06,456 --> 00:22:08,868 ♪ She goes on and on and on and- ♪ 431 00:22:08,892 --> 00:22:10,736 Kevin! 432 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:13,940 - What do you think you're doing? - My name's not Kevin. 433 00:22:13,964 --> 00:22:15,808 It's Pixie. 434 00:22:15,832 --> 00:22:17,900 And I'm protecting the planet. 435 00:22:18,936 --> 00:22:20,803 And I think I might be on here. 436 00:22:21,972 --> 00:22:24,317 Dereliction of duty is an offense, Pixie, 437 00:22:24,341 --> 00:22:26,920 even in the magic forest. 438 00:22:26,944 --> 00:22:31,291 I thought you lot were supposed to be against the exploitation of dumb creatures. 439 00:22:31,315 --> 00:22:32,915 Mmm, yes, you. 440 00:22:34,051 --> 00:22:36,329 I don't even know your name. 441 00:22:36,353 --> 00:22:39,332 That's right, Patricia, get the swine's name. Well done. 442 00:22:39,356 --> 00:22:43,136 What are names? I'm known by my deeds. 443 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,071 I'm the green avenger, 444 00:22:45,095 --> 00:22:47,741 the one the bypass builders fear most. 445 00:22:47,765 --> 00:22:50,510 They'll have to build a bypass just to get round his head. 446 00:22:50,534 --> 00:22:53,379 Most people call me... 447 00:22:53,403 --> 00:22:55,715 Stallion. 448 00:22:55,739 --> 00:22:58,184 My name is Squirrel Baggins. 449 00:22:58,208 --> 00:23:00,620 - Squirrel? - Yes, Stallion? 450 00:23:00,644 --> 00:23:03,690 I came here to protect things of great beauty, 451 00:23:03,714 --> 00:23:07,360 but I never dreamed I would end up protecting something as... 452 00:23:07,384 --> 00:23:11,097 - beautiful as you. - Oh, please! 453 00:23:11,121 --> 00:23:14,034 I have a woodland hideaway perfect for a squirrel. 454 00:23:14,058 --> 00:23:16,592 You can rest and perhaps nibble on my nuts. 455 00:23:17,972 --> 00:23:20,464 Come with me now. Deep, 456 00:23:20,489 --> 00:23:24,722 deeper into the forest, and I will show you my beautiful bender. 457 00:23:24,871 --> 00:23:26,652 Patricia! 458 00:23:27,159 --> 00:23:30,612 Raymond, he means his secret dwelling made from bows of fallen wood. 459 00:23:30,675 --> 00:23:32,089 Don't you, Stallion? 460 00:23:32,121 --> 00:23:34,636 Well, I can certainly show you that as well, if you like. 461 00:23:40,024 --> 00:23:42,837 Ours is not to reason why, Habib, 462 00:23:42,861 --> 00:23:46,607 ours is but to do and, um... 463 00:23:46,631 --> 00:23:48,799 get suspended from a tree by the dongas? 464 00:23:50,569 --> 00:23:53,747 Well, you've all done very well today 465 00:23:53,771 --> 00:23:56,584 and acted with great restraint. 466 00:23:56,608 --> 00:23:58,286 What we must remember 467 00:23:58,310 --> 00:24:00,921 is that these people are deeply frustrated. 468 00:24:00,945 --> 00:24:02,613 Yes, I know how they feel. 469 00:24:03,948 --> 00:24:06,160 Some crusty called me a fascist. 470 00:24:06,184 --> 00:24:08,296 Me! I said, "listen mate, 471 00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:11,199 I've had skinheads shove dog doo through my letterbox." 472 00:24:11,223 --> 00:24:13,067 Well said, constable. 473 00:24:13,091 --> 00:24:15,469 And did he slink away suitably cowed? 474 00:24:15,493 --> 00:24:17,971 No. He said he hadn't called me a racist, 475 00:24:17,995 --> 00:24:19,607 he'd called me a fascist, 476 00:24:19,631 --> 00:24:22,876 which is an authoritarian opposed to democracy and liberalism. 477 00:24:22,900 --> 00:24:24,412 Ah, and what did you say to that? 478 00:24:24,436 --> 00:24:26,780 Well, I was a bit stumped, quite frankly. 479 00:24:26,804 --> 00:24:29,083 So I said, "shut your mouth, you pompous git!" 480 00:24:29,107 --> 00:24:31,151 And I nicked him. 481 00:24:31,175 --> 00:24:33,721 Ah, those years at Accrington school 482 00:24:33,745 --> 00:24:36,591 debating society not entirely wasted then. 483 00:24:36,615 --> 00:24:40,595 I remember skinheads putting dog doo through our letterbox. 484 00:24:40,619 --> 00:24:43,497 One day I heard it happening, so I open my window 485 00:24:43,521 --> 00:24:46,200 and I empty a full baby's potty on him. 486 00:24:46,224 --> 00:24:48,603 - Did he ever come back again? - He had to. 487 00:24:48,627 --> 00:24:49,826 It was the postman. 488 00:24:51,162 --> 00:24:53,364 What a world, eh? 489 00:24:54,832 --> 00:24:58,502 Sometimes I wish I could just go and live somewhere on Radio 4. 490 00:25:00,004 --> 00:25:03,774 Oh well, I'll be wending my sad, lonely, weary way. 491 00:25:05,277 --> 00:25:07,221 Dismissed. 492 00:25:07,245 --> 00:25:09,580 Good night, everyone. 493 00:25:13,184 --> 00:25:16,830 I think you should be very proud of sergeant Dawkins, sir. 494 00:25:16,854 --> 00:25:19,567 She's standing up for what she believes, 495 00:25:19,591 --> 00:25:22,270 suffering discomfort and cold. 496 00:25:22,294 --> 00:25:25,038 It'll be horrible out there in the woods tonight. 497 00:25:25,062 --> 00:25:27,908 Yes, that's true, isn't it? 498 00:25:27,932 --> 00:25:29,877 Thank you, Habib, 499 00:25:29,901 --> 00:25:32,246 you've made me see things differently. 500 00:25:32,270 --> 00:25:36,473 A night or two shivering in a forest and she'll soon come running back. 501 00:25:38,393 --> 00:25:42,063 Well, I'm going home for a nice cup of horlicks. 502 00:25:43,398 --> 00:25:45,510 I rather doubt Patricia'll get 503 00:25:45,534 --> 00:25:48,102 anything warm and satisfying inside her tonight. 504 00:26:02,789 --> 00:26:06,002 Oh-what am I doing? 505 00:26:06,026 --> 00:26:08,404 This is terrible. 506 00:26:08,428 --> 00:26:10,406 Squirrel... 507 00:26:10,430 --> 00:26:12,876 we're wood folk, 508 00:26:12,900 --> 00:26:16,412 free spirits. We aren't chained by society. 509 00:26:16,436 --> 00:26:20,116 We reject their roads and we reject their conventions. 510 00:26:20,140 --> 00:26:23,452 They can't make us small and guilty like them. 511 00:26:23,476 --> 00:26:27,179 That's a sort of nice way of asking for a bonk, isn't it? 512 00:26:29,082 --> 00:26:32,194 Squirrel, I am nature- 513 00:26:32,218 --> 00:26:35,999 A savage, an earth creature. Are you? 514 00:26:36,023 --> 00:26:38,935 Well, I am a member of the national trust. 515 00:26:38,959 --> 00:26:41,838 Then act like a member of the national trust. 516 00:26:41,862 --> 00:26:46,543 Provide me with unhindered access to your areas 517 00:26:46,567 --> 00:26:48,901 of outstanding natural beauty. 518 00:26:53,339 --> 00:26:55,317 Patricia! 519 00:26:55,341 --> 00:26:57,252 Come on, squirrel. 520 00:26:57,276 --> 00:27:00,521 You've been avoiding earth moving equipment all day. 521 00:27:00,545 --> 00:27:02,623 I've got one set of earth moving equipment 522 00:27:02,647 --> 00:27:04,482 you won't want to protest about. 523 00:27:17,081 --> 00:27:18,510 Stallion. 524 00:27:20,401 --> 00:27:22,362 You don't mind that we didn't- 525 00:27:22,706 --> 00:27:25,034 It was too soon, I couldn't. 526 00:27:25,167 --> 00:27:27,495 That's okay, babes. 527 00:27:27,527 --> 00:27:31,283 There's nothing I like more than spending a ngiht with a bird who's desperate for it, 528 00:27:31,323 --> 00:27:33,214 but too up-tight to admit it. 529 00:27:33,784 --> 00:27:37,112 See ya. I've got a world to save. 530 00:27:42,159 --> 00:27:44,198 I'm not desperate for it. 531 00:27:52,237 --> 00:27:55,628 ♪ We walked a while, we rushed a while, we're two miles from home. ♪ 532 00:27:56,190 --> 00:27:58,682 Well, we played by the rules. 533 00:27:58,925 --> 00:28:01,682 They are destroying the earth. 534 00:28:01,932 --> 00:28:04,416 - We're gonna fight! - Yeah! 535 00:28:04,550 --> 00:28:07,196 Peaceful protest isn't working. 536 00:28:07,221 --> 00:28:09,990 We must destroy the destroyer! 537 00:28:11,325 --> 00:28:13,526 I'll show you how to make bombs. 538 00:28:13,927 --> 00:28:16,738 We can burn their death machines! 539 00:28:16,870 --> 00:28:19,954 Get stones, bricks, clubs, knives. 540 00:28:19,979 --> 00:28:24,033 This time, when they come with their security men and their pigs, 541 00:28:24,058 --> 00:28:27,479 - we'll be ready! - Yeah! 542 00:28:27,503 --> 00:28:30,482 You can't do that, you bloody idiot! 543 00:28:30,506 --> 00:28:32,484 They'll bring in tear-gas, 544 00:28:32,508 --> 00:28:35,343 riot police! What will you do then? 545 00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:39,380 I can get guns if you want them. 546 00:28:40,310 --> 00:28:43,885 Mr. Stallion, I am a police officer. 547 00:28:44,756 --> 00:28:48,701 And you are under arrest for incitement to riot and violence. 548 00:28:48,725 --> 00:28:51,070 Dream on, babes. 549 00:28:51,094 --> 00:28:53,939 No pig'll ever take me. 550 00:28:53,963 --> 00:28:56,775 Will you follow me?! 551 00:28:56,799 --> 00:28:58,443 Yes! 552 00:28:58,467 --> 00:29:01,480 If you do, you'll be following him to jail, I'm afraid. 553 00:29:01,504 --> 00:29:05,209 - You, sir, are under arrest. - Another pig. 554 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:07,121 Ha! 555 00:29:08,396 --> 00:29:11,060 Now be careful. I've been trained. 556 00:29:14,531 --> 00:29:16,599 Thanks. We'll drink it later. 557 00:29:17,902 --> 00:29:19,502 Ha! 558 00:29:20,571 --> 00:29:22,082 All right, then, 559 00:29:22,106 --> 00:29:24,507 Come on. Come on. 560 00:29:39,106 --> 00:29:42,375 So you finally bonked me, babes. I knew you would. 561 00:29:47,181 --> 00:29:50,639 I brought your breakfast, Patricia. 562 00:29:53,131 --> 00:29:56,426 I had to do it. But I hate myself. 563 00:29:56,451 --> 00:29:59,320 He was so wild, so strong. 564 00:29:59,428 --> 00:30:01,413 You didn't bonker-donker. 565 00:30:01,616 --> 00:30:03,428 Only on the head. 566 00:30:04,623 --> 00:30:08,646 And then I arrested him. But I still admire him. 567 00:30:08,671 --> 00:30:11,784 He cares about the future, and he'll go to prison for his beliefs. 568 00:30:11,808 --> 00:30:14,215 I fear not, Patricia. 569 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,179 Mr. Stallion is free. 570 00:30:18,314 --> 00:30:20,448 - Thank you, Habib. - Yes, sir. 571 00:30:21,617 --> 00:30:23,495 On the grounds that he, like us, 572 00:30:23,519 --> 00:30:25,231 is in the employ of her majesty. 573 00:30:25,255 --> 00:30:26,288 What?! 574 00:30:30,026 --> 00:30:32,404 Carlton, MI5... 575 00:30:32,428 --> 00:30:34,640 babes. 576 00:30:34,664 --> 00:30:37,309 A secret agent?! 577 00:30:37,333 --> 00:30:39,378 One of britain's elite. 578 00:30:39,402 --> 00:30:41,947 Britain's elite? Ha! 579 00:30:41,971 --> 00:30:44,984 Throughout the cold war, you were run by the KGB... 580 00:30:45,008 --> 00:30:48,654 as a sort of gay, sexualist dating agency 581 00:30:48,678 --> 00:30:49,845 for grumpy alcoholics. 582 00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:53,458 Burgess, Maclean, Philby, 583 00:30:53,482 --> 00:30:55,995 blunt, the fifth man, the sixth man, 584 00:30:56,019 --> 00:30:58,063 the eighth man from the left. 585 00:30:58,087 --> 00:31:00,499 If you told them the time of the last coach to Croyden 586 00:31:00,523 --> 00:31:03,002 they'd have flogged it to Moscow for a bottle of scotch 587 00:31:03,026 --> 00:31:05,104 and a copy of "zipper." 588 00:31:05,128 --> 00:31:06,505 Go on, clear off. 589 00:31:06,529 --> 00:31:08,908 No, I want to know what he was doing. 590 00:31:08,932 --> 00:31:11,376 Agent provocateur, babes, 591 00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:13,668 infiltrate the protestors. 592 00:31:14,370 --> 00:31:16,705 Penetrate them, if possible. 593 00:31:18,474 --> 00:31:20,119 Identify the hotheads 594 00:31:20,143 --> 00:31:22,321 and provoke them into violent action. 595 00:31:22,345 --> 00:31:25,491 - What about people's beliefs? - Is this chick for real? 596 00:31:25,515 --> 00:31:27,960 You're nothing but an oily little sneak, 597 00:31:27,984 --> 00:31:29,428 and a coward. 598 00:31:29,452 --> 00:31:31,531 My boyfriend Raymond 599 00:31:31,555 --> 00:31:33,722 is twice the man you'll ever be. 600 00:31:35,491 --> 00:31:37,670 And what's more, 601 00:31:37,694 --> 00:31:39,471 not having sex with him 602 00:31:39,495 --> 00:31:42,598 is 10 times nicer than not having sex with you! 603 00:31:47,170 --> 00:31:48,781 Yes, well... 604 00:31:48,805 --> 00:31:51,106 least said, soonest mended, perhaps. 605 00:31:52,709 --> 00:31:54,053 Go on, clear off. 606 00:31:54,077 --> 00:31:56,111 Go and listen to somebody's phone calls. 607 00:31:59,282 --> 00:32:01,316 Ha! 608 00:32:07,490 --> 00:32:09,602 - Has he gone? - Yes. 609 00:32:09,626 --> 00:32:11,637 Shame, I'd like to have met him. 610 00:32:11,661 --> 00:32:14,941 I must say, it's quite a treat, 611 00:32:14,965 --> 00:32:18,210 having a real live spy in the station. 612 00:32:18,234 --> 00:32:20,846 Very special breed of men, 613 00:32:20,870 --> 00:32:22,882 tough, ruthless, 614 00:32:22,906 --> 00:32:25,751 no fannying about. 615 00:32:25,775 --> 00:32:27,820 I'm sorry I missed him, 616 00:32:27,844 --> 00:32:29,555 I think we might have bonded. 617 00:32:29,579 --> 00:32:31,757 Whose is the Nissan Micra in the car park? 618 00:32:31,781 --> 00:32:34,961 - Who are you? - Carlton, MI5. 619 00:32:34,985 --> 00:32:37,630 Oh, it's mine as it happens. 620 00:32:37,654 --> 00:32:40,866 Grim, C.I.D. it's a lovely motor, don't you think? 621 00:32:40,890 --> 00:32:43,235 - You fancy a spin? - You dinged my Aston! 622 00:32:43,259 --> 00:32:46,171 Do you drive an Aston Martin? 623 00:32:46,195 --> 00:32:48,674 A dinged Aston Martin. Dinged by you. 624 00:32:48,698 --> 00:32:50,843 - You dinged me! - I did not! 625 00:32:50,867 --> 00:32:52,878 - You dinged me! - No way, mate! 626 00:32:52,902 --> 00:32:55,347 - You dinged me! - Learn to drive, why don't you? 627 00:32:55,371 --> 00:32:57,883 - You learn to drive! - Get some glasses! 628 00:32:57,907 --> 00:33:00,408 Get-a hearing aid! 629 00:33:02,245 --> 00:33:04,023 Right. 630 00:33:04,047 --> 00:33:05,580 Ha! 631 00:33:06,850 --> 00:33:08,416 Look... 632 00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:13,188 maybe we should just exchange names and addresses.