1 00:00:00,910 --> 00:00:05,070 Some people are using methamphetamine to enhance sexual pleasure. 2 00:00:05,290 --> 00:00:09,690 Chemsex is when people, often gay men, take libido-enhancing drugs. 3 00:00:10,190 --> 00:00:14,610 I mean, all you have to do is hop online, 12, 1am, and the people that are 4 00:00:14,610 --> 00:00:17,570 online there tend to be awake because they're on it. 5 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:32,720 It took us less than 48 hours to be invited to a Chemsex party using an 6 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:33,880 online hookup app. 7 00:00:47,850 --> 00:00:52,370 I don't have sober sex anymore. I only have sex when I'm using pee. 8 00:01:00,830 --> 00:01:07,290 School was... I don't want to say rough, but it was being called, like, gay, 9 00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:09,450 homo, faker, every day. 10 00:01:10,510 --> 00:01:11,509 Every day. 11 00:01:11,510 --> 00:01:13,030 Every day. Every day. 12 00:01:14,860 --> 00:01:19,440 I kept telling myself that when I moved to London, I was going to go find myself 13 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,000 all that very cliche stuff. 14 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:28,260 In reality, I think I was just running away from life, life in general. 15 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:35,500 Well, in my teenage years, I was in the closet quite heavily from the age of 16 00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:36,500 about 12. 17 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:41,920 Hated the fact that I was gay and didn't know how to deal with it, didn't know 18 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:43,020 who to talk to about it. 19 00:01:43,530 --> 00:01:47,730 I just wanted to have lots of friends, be successful, be closer to my family. 20 00:01:48,850 --> 00:01:51,150 Yeah, that didn't quite turn out the way it wanted to. 21 00:01:52,730 --> 00:01:59,110 My name is Liam McElhenney, formerly known as Liam Martin, or to a majority 22 00:01:59,110 --> 00:02:01,250 of the public, Waverider on Instagram. 23 00:02:02,650 --> 00:02:09,630 I never really came out to anyone until I was about 19. I grew up kind 24 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,009 of just being called a girl and a faggot. 25 00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:15,380 from the get-go, you know, even though I had no actual sense of myself. 26 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:21,900 Kept things hidden for about seven years until I came out when I was 19. 27 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,540 Friends would say to me, like, your hands have gone a bit loose. 28 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,400 You know, they've gone a bit limp. 29 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,300 You're crossing your legs a bit more. 30 00:02:30,940 --> 00:02:34,400 Everyone I'd met that was gay was through Grindr. 31 00:02:35,620 --> 00:02:39,520 I mean, I was never really into the big sex scene. It was just I wanted to have 32 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:40,700 relationships with people. 33 00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:46,030 When I was younger, obviously, I had no confidence. 34 00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:52,390 Meeting guys sober was always very difficult, and I'd always be very coy. 35 00:02:52,850 --> 00:02:58,070 And even if a friend was perhaps trying to set me up with a guy, I'd pretend I 36 00:02:58,070 --> 00:02:59,070 wasn't interested. 37 00:02:59,210 --> 00:03:03,550 But then, being high, it was very easy. 38 00:03:04,970 --> 00:03:10,070 My first Instagram post was back in 2011, which is when the app had first 39 00:03:10,070 --> 00:03:11,070 been founded. 40 00:03:11,290 --> 00:03:15,430 I would say my big breakthrough was after posting a photo of Ariel the 41 00:03:15,430 --> 00:03:19,510 Little Mermaid, and I found that people really resonated with the art of 42 00:03:19,510 --> 00:03:24,650 imitating celebrity photo shoot culture in a more cheap and humorous manner. 43 00:03:25,550 --> 00:03:29,490 At one point, my peak had 2 million followers. That's a lot of people. 44 00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:30,890 Well, do you want to give them the studio? 45 00:03:31,090 --> 00:03:32,090 Liam Martin, hello. 46 00:03:32,270 --> 00:03:33,310 Hey, lovely to be here. 47 00:03:33,610 --> 00:03:35,150 AKA Wave Rider. 48 00:03:35,580 --> 00:03:39,420 When you get a good response to what you're doing, and I think a lot of 49 00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:42,380 people continuously crave that. I believe that that was one of my first 50 00:03:42,380 --> 00:03:43,920 addictions, you know, was social media. 51 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:49,880 I felt like I was under so much pressure to consistently provide these photos for 52 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:54,400 people. It put a lot of strain and pressure on me and my relationship with 53 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,400 my mum especially. 54 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,780 I would have like these massive meltdowns before every photo. 55 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,960 I started drinking a lot to feel more comfortable. 56 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,420 Have a bit of confidence juice, a bit of Dutch courage. 57 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:14,480 Became reliant on it up until the age of about 23, where I sort of stopped and 58 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,000 moved on to meth. 59 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:23,460 Cocaine just seemed very exciting, and everyone's doing it in London. 60 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:28,400 At the end of the night, when I was really high, the euphoria would be 61 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,440 rushing, and I would be feeling frisky. 62 00:04:31,740 --> 00:04:33,320 Of course, I had Griner. 63 00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:37,240 Sex makes you feel good and drugs make you feel good. 64 00:04:37,540 --> 00:04:41,860 So putting the two together was just a happy little marriage. 65 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:48,500 My mum told me to leave the house and I left and I lived down in my car for a 66 00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:52,740 bit and on the street. But I kind of kept it a secret from most of my friends 67 00:04:52,740 --> 00:04:55,720 because I didn't want them to know that situation I was going through. 68 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:59,640 I guess it's always that idea of trying to live like this double life. 69 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,080 I kind of... 70 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:07,140 was getting into massage to try to earn some extra money. 71 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,360 I became a nanny. 72 00:05:10,980 --> 00:05:13,200 It was an amazing family as well. 73 00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:16,780 They really welcomed me in and I had good money. 74 00:05:17,740 --> 00:05:23,100 On a bit of a night out, I would stay up until about four in the morning. 75 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,680 Sometimes later, some days I wouldn't sleep. 76 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,240 I'd just turn up. 77 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:31,940 feed the kids breakfast, take them to school, and then I'd nap during the day. 78 00:05:36,620 --> 00:05:37,860 Nobody talks about it. 79 00:05:38,660 --> 00:05:42,400 Even within the gay scene, nobody really talks about it. It's just not a spoken 80 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,480 thing. It's just a taboo topic. 81 00:05:46,060 --> 00:05:49,740 Chemsex is fairly big in the gay community. 82 00:05:49,980 --> 00:05:52,940 It's where people are taking drugs with sex. 83 00:05:55,850 --> 00:06:00,370 Say you're not comfortable with your sexuality, which being a gay man, 84 00:06:00,650 --> 00:06:03,970 usually you're taught to feel bad about who you are. 85 00:06:04,890 --> 00:06:06,230 Chemsex can take that away. 86 00:06:06,870 --> 00:06:10,370 So you can just enjoy yourself without worrying about those inhibitions. 87 00:06:11,310 --> 00:06:18,170 My partner at the time offered it to me and noticed a euphoric high, noticed an 88 00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:22,710 energy level boost, and I really went, oh, wow, I get it now. I see. 89 00:06:23,170 --> 00:06:24,730 I see what this is about. 90 00:06:25,740 --> 00:06:29,340 I met this dude, and he offered me meth, and I just kind of surrendered to it. I 91 00:06:29,340 --> 00:06:32,960 thought, okay, like, if I do it, it'll just make this easier for me to do. But 92 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:37,900 that moment that I indulged with it, it just bring out something in me that made 93 00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:39,440 me feel so amazing, you know? 94 00:06:40,620 --> 00:06:45,180 I feel absolutely bloody brilliant. I feel out the gate. I feel like my ideas 95 00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:49,400 are stemming from a higher consciousness. Like, I'm in touch with 96 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,580 aliens. I'm hearing voices. I'm schizophrenic. 97 00:06:52,220 --> 00:06:56,860 The thing with gay guys is that they like drugs that bring around affection 98 00:06:56,860 --> 00:06:57,860 and connection. 99 00:06:58,420 --> 00:07:02,320 So your MDMA, your ecstasy, all those kinds of things are very much kind of 100 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:03,540 lovey connecting drugs. 101 00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:07,700 And that's where crystal meth kind of fits really nicely in with that space. 102 00:07:08,180 --> 00:07:10,340 It was really sad leaving London. 103 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:12,600 More or less built a family there. 104 00:07:13,580 --> 00:07:16,580 Instead of coming home straight away, I moved to Melbourne. 105 00:07:17,390 --> 00:07:21,850 I had those urges to replicate what I had in London. 106 00:07:22,170 --> 00:07:28,110 And I still had no social skills in the way of talking to other gay men sober. 107 00:07:28,370 --> 00:07:34,490 So it wasn't actually the drugs that I wanted. It was just that connection on 108 00:07:34,490 --> 00:07:35,490 an intimate level. 109 00:07:35,790 --> 00:07:40,430 I was, I suppose the word is an escort. 110 00:07:41,230 --> 00:07:43,930 I didn't pull myself through anything I didn't want to do. 111 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:48,800 I knew other people had known, and I didn't know what the perception of it 112 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:49,800 might be. 113 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:51,700 What were you worried about? 114 00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:55,720 That people said I was a prostitute, you know? 115 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:04,640 One time, I had had drinks with some friends, jumped on Grindr when my 116 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:05,740 friends left. 117 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:12,180 I had messaged a guy who said he was high and that he had cocaine. 118 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:19,600 I went over to his place and he offered me a drink. 119 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:28,340 The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a bed and I couldn't 120 00:08:28,340 --> 00:08:29,940 move. I was incapacitated. 121 00:08:30,980 --> 00:08:34,679 Yeah, he raped me several times. 122 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:41,620 I remember him just screaming at me like I was doing something wrong. 123 00:08:42,190 --> 00:08:43,190 but I don't know what. 124 00:08:43,890 --> 00:08:46,710 In the moment, I did think he was going to kill me. 125 00:08:48,630 --> 00:08:55,310 I'd come to, I'm not sure how long I had been there, but he was outside on the 126 00:08:55,310 --> 00:08:59,310 balcony. I grabbed my things and went out the door. 127 00:09:00,070 --> 00:09:05,390 While I was waiting for the lift, it was just the longest wait of my life. 128 00:09:06,830 --> 00:09:10,750 I just kept looking at the door because I thought he was going to kill me. 129 00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:20,040 I remember scrubbing my skin raw afterwards because I felt like no amount 130 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:23,380 of cleaning could just rid me of how disgusting I felt. 131 00:09:24,780 --> 00:09:29,520 I didn't tell anybody what had happened and I didn't think I could. 132 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:30,920 I didn't want to. 133 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:40,460 The minute I indulged in that drug, it's like I was getting messages from 134 00:09:40,460 --> 00:09:42,680 different people and crying and saying, hey, do you want some? Do you want some? 135 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,920 I walked in the city one time and I looked down straight at the ground and I 136 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,520 see a bag of meth on the ground. So I pick it up, I take it home and I smoke 137 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:51,660 it. Was meth expensive? 138 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:57,160 How did you... I never paid for it. I was doing other things to get it, but I 139 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,160 never... Like what? 140 00:09:58,340 --> 00:09:59,880 Just sexual acts with people. 141 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:05,280 Pee is kind of the drug of choice in New Zealand because it's easy to get and 142 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:06,280 it's fairly cheap. 143 00:10:06,830 --> 00:10:10,470 The way it works is it gives you the best sex that you've ever had, or that's 144 00:10:10,470 --> 00:10:13,630 the way you perceive it, because crystal meth dumps a huge amount of dopamine 145 00:10:13,630 --> 00:10:14,630 into your brain. 146 00:10:14,810 --> 00:10:18,750 The risk is that you might really like it and then decide that you want to do 147 00:10:18,750 --> 00:10:19,750 it again and again. 148 00:10:19,850 --> 00:10:23,650 You know, people don't usually go out seeking it. It kind of finds them. 149 00:10:25,710 --> 00:10:29,230 I got messages from a young guy who said, come around and leave some gear, 150 00:10:29,430 --> 00:10:33,990 and we just have to hook up with this old, ugly man. 151 00:10:34,540 --> 00:10:37,360 I thought, oh God, okay, what are we getting paid? 152 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,100 It's a hundred bucks. 153 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,360 Yeah, okay. 154 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,800 You know, why not? 155 00:10:45,900 --> 00:10:49,480 I hadn't come back to New Zealand to heal. 156 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:51,420 I wish I had have. 157 00:10:52,780 --> 00:10:58,780 That's when I turned to methamphetamine, the drug that I had kind of always said 158 00:10:58,780 --> 00:11:00,040 that I would never touch. 159 00:11:01,460 --> 00:11:02,800 I was... 160 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:10,000 jump on Grindr and go smoke methamphetamine with random guys here 161 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:10,839 in Auckland. 162 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:15,220 And the problem in a chemsex space is that because you've dropped your 163 00:11:15,220 --> 00:11:19,700 inhibitions and your ability to assess risk, you may not be using condoms all 164 00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:20,279 the time. 165 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,920 Condoms just aren't thought about. 166 00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:24,700 It's almost a given that you won't use them. 167 00:11:25,020 --> 00:11:31,320 And every time that I would go and have chemsex, the next day I would think, oh, 168 00:11:31,340 --> 00:11:33,880 fucking hell, like, I've got HIV. 169 00:11:34,740 --> 00:11:38,780 But then, of course, the following weekend, it would repeat itself. 170 00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:44,900 On the grind, scrolling away, come across someone that says PNP on their 171 00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:48,240 profile or looking for puff or looking for chuff, message them. 172 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:55,140 Go to their house and just start smoking and then horn on the television. 173 00:11:56,320 --> 00:12:01,560 There's, like, a little bit of sex and then... More drugs and then sex and more 174 00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:06,420 drugs. I would personally try and get it out of the way, the sexual side. I'm 175 00:12:06,420 --> 00:12:07,420 just there for the drugs. 176 00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:12,880 A lot of the time spent on Grindr, looking for other people to join. 177 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:17,500 And what sort of people are you meeting there? Younger guys in the same position 178 00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:21,080 as I am, who are relatively weak and can't support themselves. 179 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:26,520 There were some people I could feel was uncomfortable, didn't want to be there. 180 00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:30,350 Having to get naked when they might not want to get naked, they might just want 181 00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:31,249 the drugs. 182 00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:35,550 It was just a moment of pain from thinking about my rape every day. 183 00:12:35,850 --> 00:12:40,850 Because when I was sober, that is all I would think about, wanting to kill 184 00:12:40,850 --> 00:12:42,710 myself, ways I could do so. 185 00:12:43,390 --> 00:12:47,630 So it was pleasurable to indulge in not having to think. 186 00:12:48,150 --> 00:12:50,830 I started to realise that... 187 00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:54,900 It is eating away at my self-esteem. It is making me feel like, shit, this is 188 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:58,540 what I'm going to be associated with and people will figure out that this is who 189 00:12:58,540 --> 00:12:59,900 I am and this is what I'm doing. 190 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,840 I noticed I was susceptible to psychosis. 191 00:13:09,660 --> 00:13:15,380 I was doing 400 push-ups a day, 400 squats, 400 sit-ups. I was under the 192 00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:17,360 impression I was taking the best care of myself possible. 193 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,540 I went three days without sleep one time. 194 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:27,500 And by that point, I genuinely started seeing objects morph into people and 195 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:28,660 then back into objects again. 196 00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:33,120 I went onto my public platforms, and at first I was, like, bragging on 197 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:36,300 livestreams that, like, meth was the best thing ever and everybody needed to 198 00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:37,300 try it. 199 00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:39,700 Fuck. I need meth. 200 00:13:40,660 --> 00:13:42,540 I've had my friends fucking shit on me. 201 00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:43,740 Fucking nothing. 202 00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:47,500 When all I've done is been my best fucking self to them. Fuck you all. I've 203 00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:50,680 done more for this fucking community than any of you cunts have. So get 204 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:51,680 fucked. 205 00:13:51,940 --> 00:13:56,200 I remember scrolling through my phone and going through Grindr and trying to 206 00:13:56,200 --> 00:14:00,560 find my ex-partner. Thinking that each profile I came across was him trying to 207 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:05,460 reach out a message to me to let me know that he still loved me. That's what I 208 00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:06,460 was hoping to find. 209 00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:09,200 I had a relationship. 210 00:14:10,170 --> 00:14:16,250 I'd actually told him all about my past traumas, but I didn't really elaborate 211 00:14:16,250 --> 00:14:18,990 on how I had been coping. 212 00:14:19,590 --> 00:14:24,830 When he was there holding my hand and making me feel a little bit better, and 213 00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:31,010 when I was feeling low, I resorted to the only way I knew how to numb pain or 214 00:14:31,010 --> 00:14:33,510 feel a little bit better, which was chemsex. 215 00:14:34,690 --> 00:14:39,270 The last instance I'm trying to think, almost two years ago now, 216 00:14:40,010 --> 00:14:46,670 It was with two random guys at a hotel room in Auckland CBD from 3 217 00:14:46,670 --> 00:14:51,330 in the afternoon until 5am the next day. 218 00:14:52,170 --> 00:14:56,750 One of the guys who was sitting next to me, I'd asked him to give me a blowjob 219 00:14:56,750 --> 00:15:00,850 and he said that he couldn't because he had no tongue. 220 00:15:01,430 --> 00:15:06,730 And I found that very sobering and kind of thought, what the fuck am I doing 221 00:15:06,730 --> 00:15:07,730 here? 222 00:15:07,980 --> 00:15:09,460 And I ended up just leaving. 223 00:15:11,380 --> 00:15:16,460 I was walking around town thinking that everybody knew who I was and that 224 00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:17,880 everyone knew everything about me. 225 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:23,120 I started responding to it in a way that I thought was appropriate. 226 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:28,160 Yelling and screaming out at people in their cars saying, screw you, I know you 227 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:29,220 know who I am. 228 00:15:30,020 --> 00:15:31,900 Just absolutely crazy. 229 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,360 He found out because he saw me on Grindr. 230 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,820 searching for hemseps. 231 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:45,900 He wanted an answer for why I was doing these things, and I didn't know myself, 232 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,640 and I was really scared because I couldn't control these urges. 233 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,520 The most extreme thing that ended up getting me institutionalized was that I 234 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,560 went onto livestream and I threatened to kill the Prime Minister. 235 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:02,560 The police came to my apartment, and they broke into it, and they picked up a 236 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,280 plastic thumb drive sword in my room, and they were like, is this what you're 237 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:06,280 going to use to kill her? 238 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,100 Put me in handcuffs, escorted me down into the police car. 239 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,480 That's when something in me was like, well, I need to go talk to Jacinda. 240 00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:15,180 Like, I thought they were actually taking me to go have a cup of tea with 241 00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:16,180 her. 242 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:19,960 I ended up being sectioned for, I believe it was over two months. 243 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,260 I was in ICU for the first month. 244 00:16:23,220 --> 00:16:26,940 Threatened to kill myself several times in psychotic situations. 245 00:16:27,380 --> 00:16:31,680 And my parents called up the police and got them to arrest me. They actually 246 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,500 then got the rights to section me. 247 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:40,200 I was in an institution for about two months and sent down to a private 248 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,160 exclusive rehab, which cost my parents a fortune to put me in through. 249 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:51,560 All the people who were around me knew that I was struggling and they'd gone 250 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:52,560 and told my family. 251 00:16:53,200 --> 00:17:00,200 My family are quite traditional in the sense that mental health isn't usually 252 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,200 talked about. 253 00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:03,180 They asked me what I needed. 254 00:17:03,660 --> 00:17:05,839 And I said, I need to go see this therapist. 255 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:12,900 And had the ability to throw money at the problem, which, yeah, I'm very 256 00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:13,900 thankful for. 257 00:17:15,339 --> 00:17:17,460 There aren't a lot of services available. 258 00:17:17,660 --> 00:17:21,400 And the services available are targeted to the general population. 259 00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:25,020 Because we're dealing with a niche community, you'll reach out for support 260 00:17:25,020 --> 00:17:28,180 and you won't feel comfortable talking about what you're going through. You 261 00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:32,200 can't talk about the fact that you're going partying every weekend with... 262 00:17:32,540 --> 00:17:36,940 Lots of different guys having random sex, and you can only do it when you're 263 00:17:36,940 --> 00:17:41,160 on crystal, and they don't understand that world. 264 00:17:41,620 --> 00:17:45,240 I feel fried. I feel slaughtered. I don't know how to deal with this 265 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:49,920 anymore. Okay? I don't know. I don't know the narrative of this story. 266 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:56,940 It's so hard now for the recovery, just regaining your sense of self. 267 00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,260 I feel like I can't. 268 00:17:59,630 --> 00:18:05,730 freely express my emotions. I feel that I cannot connect with the majority of 269 00:18:05,730 --> 00:18:08,030 people on a conversational level. 270 00:18:08,990 --> 00:18:13,010 It's not pleasant coming out of the whole experience and reflecting and 271 00:18:13,010 --> 00:18:17,750 seeing different ways you were used and people were feeding someone's addiction. 272 00:18:18,950 --> 00:18:22,030 People perceive me now as a drug addict. 273 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:27,360 I've lost the respect and the trust that it is that comes with doing the drug, 274 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,460 and that's just a natural thing. I understand that. 275 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:38,560 Looking back off what I have learned about myself through my therapist, when 276 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:40,740 I would put myself in these dangerous situations, 277 00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,160 I really didn't care. 278 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:49,660 I think I have learned some sort of self-worth, and I know how to take care 279 00:18:49,660 --> 00:18:50,760 of myself a lot better. 280 00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:57,150 On the days that I am feeling low and worthless, I have healthier outlets now. 281 00:18:57,330 --> 00:19:00,810 I know how to overcome those feelings. 282 00:19:03,010 --> 00:19:08,390 I have to learn how to smile again and stay there and be proper and laugh, you 283 00:19:08,390 --> 00:19:11,010 know. I'd love to laugh again like I did when I was a kid. 284 00:19:11,910 --> 00:19:12,990 I love dancing. 285 00:19:13,290 --> 00:19:18,350 I really do. It doesn't look coordinated to the majority of the people who are 286 00:19:18,350 --> 00:19:22,320 watching, but to me it's just... a release of the chaos which is going on 287 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:23,320 inside me. 288 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,860 Starting a cleaning business, landscaping as well inside. 289 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,660 I've got a partner at the moment. 290 00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:34,020 It definitely takes my eyes off any potential triggers. 291 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,460 Yeah, it keeps me happy. 292 00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:44,380 It took me losing virtually everything I ever knew for something to snap in me 293 00:19:44,380 --> 00:19:46,760 and go, I can't continue this life. 294 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:48,480 I... 295 00:19:50,399 --> 00:19:53,220 Just, like, I want to feel a bit normal again, you know? 296 00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:57,660 I don't know if I ever was fully normal or anything. 297 00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:06,060 I mean, I'm much more comfortable with it, being gay and meeting other guys. 298 00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:10,440 I still carry a bit of internal isomophobia, if I'm honest. 299 00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:17,080 Getting, like, a greater self-esteem and looking after myself a lot more, it is 300 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,190 something... I'm acknowledging. 301 00:20:20,150 --> 00:20:22,250 We've come a long way from where we were. 302 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:27,750 We had homosexual law reform. It used to be illegal to be gay. You could be 303 00:20:27,750 --> 00:20:29,470 arrested for having sex with another man. 304 00:20:29,730 --> 00:20:31,050 We've gone beyond that. 305 00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:34,150 But we need to go further and empower people. 306 00:20:34,710 --> 00:20:41,110 If I started using chems to deal with my sexual identity or my body image or 307 00:20:41,110 --> 00:20:46,110 homophobia around being gay, I haven't dealt with it. I've put it aside in a 308 00:20:46,110 --> 00:20:47,110 box. 309 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,580 Now that I'm not using chemicals anymore, I need to open that box and I 310 00:20:51,580 --> 00:20:57,500 need to actually come to terms with what that is, then learn to love myself so I 311 00:20:57,500 --> 00:20:58,500 can love others. 312 00:20:59,180 --> 00:21:03,020 Once people are at that point, I think chemsex would lose its attraction.