1
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♪♪♪ (theme)

2
00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:09,600
Hi, Mom, I'm home.

3
00:01:09,633 --> 00:01:11,300
Washing socks?
- I got to.

4
00:01:11,333 --> 00:01:13,566
I left 'em out for the elves to do last night.

5
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:14,733
They wouldn't touch 'em.

6
00:01:14,766 --> 00:01:18,166
Can you blame them?

7
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,033
You do lovely work.

8
00:01:20,066 --> 00:01:21,566
I think I'm getting bedpan hands.

9
00:01:24,533 --> 00:01:28,533
Is your cold better?
- Does a cold ever get better?

10
00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:31,166
You're shaving in the middle of the week.

11
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,800
Anybody I know?

12
00:01:32,833 --> 00:01:34,500
Lieutenant Marquette.

13
00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:36,233
Oh... The new one.

14
00:01:36,266 --> 00:01:38,800
You're very observant for a laundress.

15
00:01:38,833 --> 00:01:40,766
I never met a nurse that didn't register.

16
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,766
Ah, a registered nurse!
- A registered nurse!

17
00:01:45,433 --> 00:01:47,800
We're going on a picnic.

18
00:01:47,833 --> 00:01:50,500
I'm gonna show her the beauty of Korea.

19
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Among other natural wonders.

20
00:01:55,333 --> 00:01:58,733
These socks are dripping all over the floor.

21
00:01:58,766 --> 00:02:02,033
It settles the dust.

22
00:02:02,066 --> 00:02:03,476
I'll do yours for five dollars, Frank.

23
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,066
He doesn't wash his socks.

24
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,820
He wears them for a month, then burns them.

25
00:02:11,066 --> 00:02:14,500
Will you put that away, Frank!
- I'm cleaning it!

26
00:02:14,533 --> 00:02:17,333
Playing with a gun, Frank, is very significant.

27
00:02:17,366 --> 00:02:20,700
Highly Freudian. Or am I guilty of pistol envy?

28
00:02:20,733 --> 00:02:24,166
I don't put any stock in that Freud stuff.

29
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,200
Oh, you might have been one
of his original patients, Frank.

30
00:02:27,233 --> 00:02:29,333
Oh, phooey.

31
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:32,033
I can just see you walking through the Vienna woods,

32
00:02:32,066 --> 00:02:35,033
kissing a loaf of freshly-baked bread.

33
00:02:35,066 --> 00:02:38,300
"Come with me to the laboratory,
young man. I give you strudel."

34
00:02:38,333 --> 00:02:41,366
I happen to think that man is more than just an animal

35
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,400
whose every thought is motivated by sex.

36
00:02:44,433 --> 00:02:47,733
Well, there goes Hot Lips' evening.

37
00:02:47,766 --> 00:02:50,300
Will you stop pointing that thing!

38
00:02:50,333 --> 00:02:53,700
The safety's on! I think. Now it is.

39
00:02:53,733 --> 00:02:56,200
(giggles)

40
00:02:56,233 --> 00:02:59,666
Frank, I know it's irrational
to ask you a rational question,

41
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:02,066
but why do you need a gun?

42
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:05,800
We are in a battle zone, mister.
Only three miles from the front.

43
00:03:05,833 --> 00:03:08,466
You must have very long bullets.

44
00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:12,600
Hey, Hawkeye?
- Yeah?

45
00:03:12,633 --> 00:03:16,400
I got the stuff for your picnic.
- Oh, faithful Radar.

46
00:03:16,433 --> 00:03:19,366
When I have the time, I'll make you tall.

47
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,400
What culinary delights did you get
for us this time, old family container?

48
00:03:22,433 --> 00:03:25,733
You've got breaded veal sandwiches.
- Good.

49
00:03:25,766 --> 00:03:28,766
With yesterday's lettuce.
- And tomorrow's bananas.

50
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:32,600
And neither is what it was or is going to be.

51
00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:34,600
Get the tomatoes?

52
00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:37,100
No.
- Why not?

53
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:39,800
Uh, well, I looked at 'em, and something looked back.

54
00:03:39,833 --> 00:03:41,800
Thanks.

55
00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:44,266
Brandy. Compliments of Colonel Blake.

56
00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:46,733
Not very much in it.
- He wasn't very complimentary.

57
00:03:46,766 --> 00:03:48,700
Fill it up.
- Huh?

58
00:03:48,733 --> 00:03:53,033
Take some white brandy.
- Oh, right.

59
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:56,166
You can't use him as a servant.
- No servitude involved.

60
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,800
He likes me. Don't you, Radar?
- Uh, yes, sir.

61
00:03:58,833 --> 00:04:01,200
And you don't like Major Burns, do you?

62
00:04:01,233 --> 00:04:03,333
Oh, no, that's not so. I like you, sir.

63
00:04:03,366 --> 00:04:06,266
Why do you always say nasty
things about him behind his back?

64
00:04:07,833 --> 00:04:09,733
Hey!

65
00:04:11,433 --> 00:04:15,133
Boy! Honestly, sometimes!

66
00:04:15,166 --> 00:04:17,133
Jeez!

67
00:04:17,166 --> 00:04:20,366
Well, I'm off. Don't wait up for me.

68
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,766
Frank, if you don't put that gun away,

69
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,600
I'm gonna break it into little pieces
and feed it to you intravenously.

70
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:28,109
Are you aware that you're talking
to an officer of superior rank?

71
00:04:28,133 --> 00:04:29,666
Yes.
- Oh.

72
00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:32,566
See you later, Trap.

73
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,666
Make notes.

74
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:44,366
It's hard to accept. Here it's so peaceful, idyllic.

75
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,633
And right over there is the war.

76
00:04:46,666 --> 00:04:48,766
I feel almost guilty.

77
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,633
Oh, these moments are necessary.

78
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:53,566
Not something we owe ourselves,

79
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,266
something we owe them.

80
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I feel better.

81
00:04:58,133 --> 00:05:00,100
And it's only just begun.

82
00:05:01,566 --> 00:05:03,166
Is that all right, Frank?

83
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,633
Eight cans, eight shots.

84
00:05:05,666 --> 00:05:08,500
That should be about right.

85
00:05:08,533 --> 00:05:11,433
Could I see the gun just once more, Frank?

86
00:05:11,466 --> 00:05:13,300
You've seen it Margaret.

87
00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:15,666
There's just something about a pearl-handled pistol

88
00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:19,100
that makes me...

89
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:20,666
Did I tell you my father had one?

90
00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:22,242
No, I couldn't. I just remembered that.

91
00:05:22,266 --> 00:05:24,033
Isn't that curious, Frank?

92
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,533
And exciting somehow.

93
00:05:27,566 --> 00:05:30,400
Well... yeah.

94
00:05:30,433 --> 00:05:33,433
Does every new nurse fall in love with you here?

95
00:05:33,466 --> 00:05:35,033
No.

96
00:05:35,066 --> 00:05:37,200
Only the ones with taste.

97
00:05:37,233 --> 00:05:39,266
Do you think I have any?

98
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:40,633
I don't know. Let me taste you.

99
00:05:40,666 --> 00:05:42,400
(gunfire)

100
00:05:42,433 --> 00:05:44,533
What was that?

101
00:05:45,666 --> 00:05:48,033
You wait here. Keep down.

102
00:05:49,466 --> 00:05:52,433
Frank! You idiot!

103
00:05:52,466 --> 00:05:54,166
You know how close you came with that?

104
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:55,509
Came with what? I haven't fired yet!

105
00:05:55,533 --> 00:05:57,500
I was right over there, and a bullet came

106
00:05:57,533 --> 00:05:59,542
within this close of my foot.
- I haven't fired yet!

107
00:05:59,566 --> 00:06:01,500
Don't lie!
- He most certainly has not!

108
00:06:01,533 --> 00:06:03,233
All right, give it to me, Frank.

109
00:06:03,266 --> 00:06:05,400
We'll give you a yo-yo, or a doll that wets.
- No!

110
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:07,033
(gunfire)

111
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:08,376
What was that?
- HAWKEYE: The sniper!

112
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,766
Sniper?

113
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,066
The war, remember?

114
00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:20,433
- FRANK: Where are you going?
- Grab a friend and get back to camp!

115
00:06:20,466 --> 00:06:23,100
♪♪♪

116
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,200
(gunfire)

117
00:06:30,666 --> 00:06:34,366
(collective shouting, gunfire continues)

118
00:06:46,466 --> 00:06:48,733
Those are shots, aren't they, Radar?

119
00:06:48,766 --> 00:06:50,266
We're under fire, sir.

120
00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,409
Well, hell's bells, we're a hospital!

121
00:06:51,433 --> 00:06:54,333
(bullet ricocheting)

122
00:06:59,281 --> 00:07:02,714
That's against the Geneva Convention.

123
00:07:02,747 --> 00:07:04,847
I'm not for it, either, sir.

124
00:07:04,881 --> 00:07:06,981
We're completely unarmed.

125
00:07:07,014 --> 00:07:09,314
Sitting here with our tails sticking out. Helpless.

126
00:07:09,347 --> 00:07:12,681
Radar... Psst! Come here.

127
00:07:19,681 --> 00:07:21,190
- I'll call up headquarters and get some help.
- Call headquarters

128
00:07:21,214 --> 00:07:23,981
and get some help.

129
00:07:24,014 --> 00:07:26,314
Radar, it's not very safe out there.

130
00:07:26,347 --> 00:07:28,814
(gunshot)

131
00:07:28,847 --> 00:07:31,214
It's not much better in here, sir.

132
00:07:43,247 --> 00:07:45,181
(gunshot)

133
00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:47,247
(gunfire continues)

134
00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:02,614
Sir?
- What happened?

135
00:08:02,647 --> 00:08:04,347
(screaming)

136
00:08:04,381 --> 00:08:06,881
Uh, nothing. I forgot my glasses.

137
00:08:09,381 --> 00:08:12,214
Uh... I could go out there again.

138
00:08:12,247 --> 00:08:15,381
If you wanted to volunteer me.

139
00:08:15,414 --> 00:08:17,081
Oh, forget it.

140
00:08:17,114 --> 00:08:19,681
You'd look silly with a hole in your head.

141
00:08:19,714 --> 00:08:20,814
Come here.

142
00:08:20,847 --> 00:08:22,781
Yes, sir.

143
00:08:28,414 --> 00:08:30,647
You!

144
00:08:30,681 --> 00:08:32,847
You up there, you hear me?

145
00:08:32,881 --> 00:08:35,214
This is Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake!

146
00:08:35,247 --> 00:08:37,581
Do you hear me?
- (Gunfire)

147
00:08:39,014 --> 00:08:41,347
That son of a gun hears pretty good.

148
00:08:41,381 --> 00:08:43,247
(gunfire)

149
00:08:43,281 --> 00:08:44,814
Can I have it quiet in here, please?

150
00:08:44,847 --> 00:08:46,081
(chattering, pounding)

151
00:08:46,114 --> 00:08:49,114
Uh... people?
- (Chattering continues)

152
00:08:52,114 --> 00:08:56,714
Quiet! Shhh. Quiet! The major has something to say!

153
00:08:56,747 --> 00:08:59,014
Quiet!

154
00:08:59,047 --> 00:09:03,181
Uh, quiet, please, please! May I have your attention?

155
00:09:03,214 --> 00:09:06,914
(chattering continues)
- Now, please, I want it quiet!

156
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:12,614
(pounding continues)
- People!

157
00:09:12,647 --> 00:09:13,981
(noise stops)

158
00:09:15,881 --> 00:09:18,581
I don't know. I've always had it.

159
00:09:20,147 --> 00:09:22,947
All right, people. I want everybody calm.

160
00:09:22,981 --> 00:09:25,747
Completely calm. And that's an order!

161
00:09:25,781 --> 00:09:27,681
Now we're under...
- (gunshot)

162
00:09:27,714 --> 00:09:30,714
(screaming)

163
00:09:30,747 --> 00:09:33,047
We're under massive enemy attack!

164
00:09:33,081 --> 00:09:35,614
Col. Blake, our commander, is missing in action.

165
00:09:35,647 --> 00:09:37,981
He's trapped in the shower with Radar.

166
00:09:38,014 --> 00:09:41,014
What a way to go.

167
00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:43,981
Well, in that case, I'm assuming command...

168
00:09:44,014 --> 00:09:47,881
until the colonel can be, uh, uh, "deshowerized."

169
00:09:49,647 --> 00:09:51,981
It's like the Titanic in there without an orchestra.

170
00:09:52,014 --> 00:09:53,890
I think there's only one, but I
don't know. There may be more.

171
00:09:53,914 --> 00:09:55,314
What difference does it make?

172
00:09:55,347 --> 00:09:58,747
You want us to go after him with our diplomas?

173
00:09:58,781 --> 00:10:01,347
(gunshots continue)
- Look, we need help!

174
00:10:01,381 --> 00:10:03,814
Yeah, I realize that.

175
00:10:03,847 --> 00:10:06,247
If there's a push on, though, there's gonna be wounded.

176
00:10:06,281 --> 00:10:09,947
And we're pinned down! We can't move!

177
00:10:09,981 --> 00:10:14,347
Yeah, okay, okay. Yeah. We do the best we can.

178
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,614
(sighs) There's a push on.

179
00:10:16,647 --> 00:10:18,714
Tomorrow noon's the earliest they can get here.

180
00:10:20,847 --> 00:10:23,181
(gunshots continue)

181
00:10:36,381 --> 00:10:39,881
(Houlihan screams) What? Oh!

182
00:10:39,914 --> 00:10:43,081
Thank God.
- Oh, congratulations. You're alive.

183
00:10:43,114 --> 00:10:46,081
- Are you all right?
- Just barely. Boy, that guy's really peppering away.

184
00:10:46,114 --> 00:10:48,014
We've been pinned down in the shower.

185
00:10:48,047 --> 00:10:51,347
That's the cleanest you've been since it rained.

186
00:10:51,381 --> 00:10:53,814
What's the situation in here?

187
00:10:53,847 --> 00:10:56,014
Desperate, Colonel. No food, no ammunition.

188
00:10:56,047 --> 00:10:58,814
Low on supplies, low on morale.
- But very high on panic.

189
00:10:58,847 --> 00:11:00,614
Yeah, Frank's been a marvelous commandant.

190
00:11:00,647 --> 00:11:02,814
He's risen to a new low.
- (Gunfire)

191
00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,047
You got casualties out there, son?

192
00:11:06,081 --> 00:11:08,047
Yes, sir. Six. And some of them look pretty bad.

193
00:11:08,081 --> 00:11:10,747
McIntyre, check his arm.
- Come on.

194
00:11:10,781 --> 00:11:12,747
Colonel, we've got to get them in here.

195
00:11:12,781 --> 00:11:14,714
Major, I may not know the difference

196
00:11:14,747 --> 00:11:17,347
between a bayonet and a butter knife, but I do know that!

197
00:11:17,381 --> 00:11:21,014
- Now, I hate to do this, but I've made a decision.
- Another first.

198
00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:23,190
I'm gonna call Regimental Headquarters for immediate help.

199
00:11:23,214 --> 00:11:25,347
Henry, we did. We're on our own till tomorrow.

200
00:11:25,381 --> 00:11:29,014
We can't just wait! We've gotta do something!
- Anything!

201
00:11:29,047 --> 00:11:31,147
I agree with Frank. I think we should do anything.

202
00:11:32,814 --> 00:11:35,247
The first thing we have to do before we do anything

203
00:11:35,281 --> 00:11:37,314
is to get the casualties out there in here.

204
00:11:37,347 --> 00:11:40,114
- Got any ideas?
- Henry, isn't it obvious what we have to do?

205
00:11:40,147 --> 00:11:41,747
What?
- Surrender.

206
00:11:41,781 --> 00:11:43,614
Surrender?
- What?

207
00:11:43,647 --> 00:11:45,614
There are wounded out there.

208
00:11:45,647 --> 00:11:47,357
If we surrender, there's a chance we
can help them. Otherwise, who knows?

209
00:11:47,381 --> 00:11:48,881
Surrender?

210
00:11:48,914 --> 00:11:51,881
Surrender and be overrun by those yellow hordes?

211
00:11:51,914 --> 00:11:54,014
Overrun by a horde of one?

212
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,714
There may be a squad of them out there!

213
00:11:56,747 --> 00:11:58,181
The minute you surrender,

214
00:11:58,214 --> 00:12:00,214
they infiltrate and crawl into your perimeter.

215
00:12:00,247 --> 00:12:04,014
Frank, there are ladies here.
- Colonel, if we are overrun,

216
00:12:04,047 --> 00:12:07,914
may I remind you of your responsibility
for the women of this command?

217
00:12:07,947 --> 00:12:11,281
What guarantee do we have
concerning the violations of our bodies,

218
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:15,881
the possibly numerous, multiple
violations of our bodies by the enemy?

219
00:12:15,914 --> 00:12:17,881
What kind of guarantee do you want?

220
00:12:17,914 --> 00:12:21,614
That remark is beneath notice!
- Don't notice it.

221
00:12:21,647 --> 00:12:25,014
Now, hold it, look. I can't surrender without orders.

222
00:12:25,047 --> 00:12:27,347
I mean, they emphasized that to me particularly.

223
00:12:27,381 --> 00:12:30,181
I don't know exactly why. I mean, the guy said,

224
00:12:30,214 --> 00:12:33,281
"Blake, never surrender without checking."

225
00:12:33,314 --> 00:12:35,747
Besides, Headquarters says there's a push on.

226
00:12:35,781 --> 00:12:38,214
All the more reason not to surrender!

227
00:12:38,247 --> 00:12:40,781
Au contraire, Major! There are choppers

228
00:12:40,814 --> 00:12:43,914
gonna be flying wounded in here looking for the 4077th.

229
00:12:43,947 --> 00:12:45,990
If we surrender, there's a chance we can keep working.

230
00:12:46,014 --> 00:12:48,057
Otherwise, we're just sitting
here with our majors hanging out.

231
00:12:48,081 --> 00:12:52,747
Colonel, may I go on record...
- No!

232
00:12:52,781 --> 00:12:55,947
Radar?
- Get a white flag. Yes, sir.

233
00:13:07,081 --> 00:13:08,981
Okay for now.

234
00:13:11,114 --> 00:13:13,181
Wave it, wave it.

235
00:13:21,781 --> 00:13:24,581
Okay, start unloading! Let's go! Move!

236
00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:37,981
I hope he likes a parade.

237
00:13:45,681 --> 00:13:47,314
(gunshot)

238
00:13:47,347 --> 00:13:50,114
(shudders)
- (gunshots continue)

239
00:13:50,147 --> 00:13:52,014
Let's go!

240
00:13:55,681 --> 00:13:56,957
Let's get these patients prepped!

241
00:13:56,981 --> 00:13:59,114
Let's go! Hurry it up! Come on!

242
00:13:59,147 --> 00:14:02,881
MCINTYRE: All right, hold it, hold it!

243
00:14:02,914 --> 00:14:05,747
Whew. You okay?

244
00:14:05,781 --> 00:14:07,747
Fine. You?
- Okay.

245
00:14:07,781 --> 00:14:10,681
I don't know about you, but I'm upset.
- Yeah? Why?

246
00:14:10,714 --> 00:14:13,034
My draft board promised me there wouldn't be any shooting.

247
00:14:21,748 --> 00:14:24,515
Hey, holy moley! Look at this kid's gall bladder.

248
00:14:24,548 --> 00:14:27,382
I got a weak stomach, Henry.
That's why I didn't go into medicine.

249
00:14:27,415 --> 00:14:29,848
Come on, sponge.
- Well, Pierce,

250
00:14:29,882 --> 00:14:33,582
maybe now you'll understand you
can't do business with the commies.

251
00:14:33,615 --> 00:14:36,848
How would you like your eyebrows plucked from inside?

252
00:14:36,882 --> 00:14:39,282
Just where did your appeasement get us?

253
00:14:39,315 --> 00:14:42,482
The sniper's still outside. The generator's shot.

254
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:45,515
Yeah, but the wounded are in. Stop yapping and work.

255
00:14:45,548 --> 00:14:49,448
How they hate you for your courage.

256
00:14:49,482 --> 00:14:52,415
Kid's not over 16. Look at him. Still got baby fat.

257
00:14:52,448 --> 00:14:54,148
What is this, a children's war?

258
00:14:54,182 --> 00:14:56,215
It's everybody's war, Pierce.

259
00:14:56,248 --> 00:14:59,848
You can have my share.
- You selling bonds again, Frank?

260
00:14:59,882 --> 00:15:02,882
It's a little late in the game for pacifism, gentlemen.

261
00:15:02,915 --> 00:15:04,815
You just don't quit.

262
00:15:04,848 --> 00:15:08,315
And what happens if we do quit and they roll right over us?

263
00:15:08,348 --> 00:15:11,882
You could roll over first.
- You're obscene!

264
00:15:11,915 --> 00:15:15,215
I'm even better on the phone. Give me some more light here.

265
00:15:28,748 --> 00:15:30,848
This is eerie.

266
00:15:30,882 --> 00:15:34,148
Sit a little closer. It drives away the eeries.

267
00:15:38,748 --> 00:15:41,248
Why do I feel safe here with you?

268
00:15:41,282 --> 00:15:43,182
Search me. I don't.

269
00:15:46,748 --> 00:15:49,282
(quiet chattering)

270
00:15:53,515 --> 00:15:56,182
All things considered, I think
things are running fairly smoothly.

271
00:15:56,215 --> 00:15:58,882
Don't you think so, Radar?

272
00:15:58,915 --> 00:16:01,748
The tension is unbearable.

273
00:16:01,782 --> 00:16:04,315
And building, building.

274
00:16:06,815 --> 00:16:09,415
Can't you feel it, Frank? Can't you feel anything?

275
00:16:09,448 --> 00:16:11,448
Definitely.

276
00:16:11,482 --> 00:16:13,148
Apart from the sniper,

277
00:16:13,182 --> 00:16:15,682
don't you think things are running fairly smoothly?

278
00:16:15,715 --> 00:16:18,348
Nobody's eaten in 13 hours, sir.

279
00:16:18,382 --> 00:16:19,848
Yes, well, that coincides

280
00:16:19,882 --> 00:16:22,582
with how long we've gone without food.

281
00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:25,315
I have this peculiar metabolism.

282
00:16:25,348 --> 00:16:26,748
If I don't eat regularly,

283
00:16:26,782 --> 00:16:30,315
everything solid in my body turns to liquid.

284
00:16:30,348 --> 00:16:33,282
My shoes are full of water.

285
00:16:33,315 --> 00:16:35,415
They are not!

286
00:16:37,415 --> 00:16:39,548
A real man...

287
00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:43,282
if we had a real man in this outfit,

288
00:16:43,315 --> 00:16:46,715
would be out there in the darkness with his gun

289
00:16:46,748 --> 00:16:49,082
putting an end to this tension.

290
00:16:50,748 --> 00:16:53,315
I don't do very well at night.

291
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,882
Since when?

292
00:16:57,915 --> 00:17:00,782
My optic adjustment to darkness is, uh, subnormal.

293
00:17:00,815 --> 00:17:02,548
I don't see very well.

294
00:17:04,248 --> 00:17:06,582
But I do, and may I say, Frank,

295
00:17:06,615 --> 00:17:10,648
that my eyes are wide open and seeing more than I care to.

296
00:17:10,682 --> 00:17:13,582
(snoring)

297
00:17:23,748 --> 00:17:25,715
Margaret.
- (Gasps, screams)

298
00:17:25,748 --> 00:17:27,748
Relax, relax! I'm not here for violation purposes.

299
00:17:30,815 --> 00:17:33,615
Where's Frank? It's his shift.

300
00:17:33,648 --> 00:17:35,548
He's not here.

301
00:17:39,715 --> 00:17:41,582
He's not here!

302
00:17:58,315 --> 00:18:00,182
Frank?

303
00:18:04,715 --> 00:18:06,682
Frank!

304
00:18:06,715 --> 00:18:09,848
Come one step closer, and I'll blow your head off.

305
00:18:09,882 --> 00:18:11,815
Frank, it's Hawkeye.

306
00:18:17,548 --> 00:18:20,382
Frank.
- Oh, hi!

307
00:18:20,415 --> 00:18:23,815
Hi, Frank. What's new?
- Well, I, uh...

308
00:18:23,848 --> 00:18:27,582
I was out hunting the sniper. I was, really.

309
00:18:27,615 --> 00:18:31,315
Right.
- And then after a while, I...

310
00:18:31,348 --> 00:18:33,515
Well...

311
00:18:33,548 --> 00:18:37,282
Frank, even General Patton had his off days.

312
00:18:37,315 --> 00:18:39,648
Really?
- Oh, he had days you wouldn't believe.

313
00:18:39,682 --> 00:18:42,382
Days when he just had to slap someone.

314
00:18:44,648 --> 00:18:46,815
Do you know how long it took me to become a doctor?

315
00:18:46,848 --> 00:18:50,415
Do you?
- I thought the usual time.

316
00:18:50,448 --> 00:18:54,348
Twice as long. I flunked out of two med schools.

317
00:18:54,382 --> 00:18:56,448
I even thought of switching to male nurse,

318
00:18:56,482 --> 00:18:58,882
but I could never learn how to make hospital corners.

319
00:18:58,915 --> 00:19:01,548
- Frank, you really don't have to...
- And during my internship,

320
00:19:01,582 --> 00:19:05,615
the local undertaker used to send
me Christmas presents and calendars.

321
00:19:05,648 --> 00:19:07,815
But I made it.

322
00:19:07,848 --> 00:19:10,715
Why should I throw all that away?

323
00:19:10,748 --> 00:19:13,148
Let them send men that have nothing to lose.

324
00:19:13,182 --> 00:19:15,248
Sure, Frank. Sure.

325
00:19:17,915 --> 00:19:20,315
Uh, Pierce?

326
00:19:20,348 --> 00:19:24,215
(whispering) What are you going to say to, uh...

327
00:19:24,248 --> 00:19:27,848
If you're lucky, and if I'm lucky, I won't run into her.

328
00:19:27,882 --> 00:19:29,248
(clattering)

329
00:19:36,848 --> 00:19:38,448
The mess tent.
- The sniper?

330
00:19:38,482 --> 00:19:40,882
Quiet! Come on.

331
00:19:40,915 --> 00:19:43,615
Me?

332
00:19:43,648 --> 00:19:46,548
He doesn't know we're out here, but we know he's in there.

333
00:19:46,582 --> 00:19:49,282
Gives us a good chance to catch him.
- Catch him?

334
00:19:49,315 --> 00:19:51,682
Or he catches us. Whichever way it works out.

335
00:19:51,715 --> 00:19:54,682
Look, if you want to be a hero that much, you go.

336
00:19:54,715 --> 00:19:57,415
Frank, you know what a hero is?

337
00:19:57,448 --> 00:19:59,115
Ninety-nine times out of a hundred,

338
00:19:59,148 --> 00:20:00,882
he's somebody who's tired enough

339
00:20:00,915 --> 00:20:04,215
and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn.

340
00:20:04,248 --> 00:20:06,548
I don't give a damn. Come on.

341
00:20:08,615 --> 00:20:10,748
Wait. I'll come with you.

342
00:20:30,382 --> 00:20:32,882
(clattering)
- (man squealing)

343
00:20:32,915 --> 00:20:36,615
I got him! I got him! Stop shooting!

344
00:20:36,648 --> 00:20:38,715
You almost killed me!
- I didn't fire it!

345
00:20:38,748 --> 00:20:41,582
I didn't! Yes, I did.

346
00:20:43,548 --> 00:20:46,115
I had to get something to eat!

347
00:20:46,148 --> 00:20:49,848
You'd risk your life for a... a ketchup on rye?

348
00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:52,415
With butter and lettuce!

349
00:20:52,448 --> 00:20:56,782
(gunshot)
- That was too close.

350
00:20:56,815 --> 00:20:59,382
(whispers) Wow!

351
00:20:59,415 --> 00:21:03,182
You want to finish that sandwich here or in surgery?

352
00:21:03,215 --> 00:21:06,548
But, General, you promised us help by noon.

353
00:21:06,582 --> 00:21:09,882
Well, what time is it now? 1300 hours?

354
00:21:09,915 --> 00:21:13,448
Well, now, that's after noon, isn't it, sir?

355
00:21:13,482 --> 00:21:16,282
I mean, isn't it 12 up until it gets to be noon,

356
00:21:16,315 --> 00:21:19,315
and then you start all that "hundred hours" stuff?

357
00:21:19,348 --> 00:21:23,215
I wish the army would tell time like everybody else.

358
00:21:23,248 --> 00:21:26,315
I mean, no offense, sir, but this...
- (helicopter approaching)

359
00:21:26,348 --> 00:21:28,515
Wait. Hold on a minute. Hold it.

360
00:21:33,882 --> 00:21:36,582
Uh, the chopper's here, sir.

361
00:21:36,615 --> 00:21:39,882
Yeah. Uh, look, I'll call you back later.

362
00:21:39,915 --> 00:21:43,182
What's that, General? I can't hear you.

363
00:21:43,215 --> 00:21:47,548
I can't... What? Look, I said I'd... (blows raspberry)

364
00:22:24,282 --> 00:22:27,148
(machine gun fire continues)

365
00:22:41,882 --> 00:22:44,315
You think they got him?

366
00:22:44,348 --> 00:22:46,782
I think they got him and a half.

367
00:23:05,582 --> 00:23:07,648
Holy...

368
00:23:07,682 --> 00:23:09,782
It could be a trick.

369
00:23:09,815 --> 00:23:13,315
He fired on our white flag, didn't he? Let's fire on his!

370
00:23:13,348 --> 00:23:16,415
(stammering) Just spitballing. I mean...

371
00:23:21,148 --> 00:23:24,515
Hey, Radar, you want to do me a favor?
- Yeah, I'll get your bag.

372
00:23:28,715 --> 00:23:32,382
You sure you know what you're doin'?
- Not really, no.

373
00:23:32,415 --> 00:23:34,715
Thanks.
- Sure.

374
00:23:39,215 --> 00:23:40,215
See you.

375
00:24:08,182 --> 00:24:11,515
If you knew how lucky you are
to be getting this house call.

376
00:24:27,482 --> 00:24:30,815
MCINTYRE: What's the word?
- He's gonna make it.

377
00:24:30,848 --> 00:24:34,582
Oh, thanks, Radar. I can use a little mother's milk.

378
00:24:34,615 --> 00:24:36,315
Why was he shooting at us?

379
00:24:36,348 --> 00:24:40,548
He's just a kid, 16 or 17.
- Gee.

380
00:24:40,582 --> 00:24:43,682
Interpreter said he got cut off
from his outfit, half out of his mind.

381
00:24:43,715 --> 00:24:47,182
Scared, cold, hungry. You won't believe this.

382
00:24:47,215 --> 00:24:50,448
He thought this was MacArthur's headquarters.

383
00:24:50,482 --> 00:24:53,282
Oh, that's pathetic.
- He still thinks so!

384
00:24:53,315 --> 00:24:57,282
He went under thinking he was gonna
be the most famous man in North Korea.

385
00:24:57,315 --> 00:25:01,248
Seems a shame to disappoint him.

386
00:25:01,282 --> 00:25:04,282
Be nice if MacArthur could pay him a bedside visit.

387
00:25:04,315 --> 00:25:08,148
Where are you gonna get a
MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?

388
00:25:24,715 --> 00:25:27,848
What's going on?
- You have returned.

389
00:25:32,782 --> 00:25:34,648
♪♪♪ (theme)