1 00:00:03,673 --> 00:00:06,074 Good evening, everybody. 2 00:00:06,098 --> 00:00:09,122 Never judge a book by its cover, 3 00:00:09,146 --> 00:00:12,761 particularly if that cover quotes an obscure journal 4 00:00:12,785 --> 00:00:16,137 claiming it to be the best book ever written. 5 00:00:16,161 --> 00:00:18,169 I made that mistake recently 6 00:00:18,193 --> 00:00:21,447 and found myself reading a book about drugs and sex, 7 00:00:21,471 --> 00:00:26,199 which are scarcely suitable subjects for fiction. 8 00:00:26,223 --> 00:00:29,017 If I hadn't been on a stopping train to Aberystwyth, 9 00:00:29,041 --> 00:00:32,590 I should have cast the thing aside unread. 10 00:00:32,614 --> 00:00:34,785 Appearances, as we shall see, 11 00:00:34,809 --> 00:00:37,933 are like bus timetables... 12 00:00:37,957 --> 00:00:42,439 often highly misleading. 13 00:00:57,538 --> 00:01:00,495 Raymond, there's something I need to discuss with you. 14 00:01:00,869 --> 00:01:03,726 I see. And are you addressing me as your commanding officer, 15 00:01:03,750 --> 00:01:06,177 - or as your boyfriend? - Does it make a difference? 16 00:01:06,201 --> 00:01:09,919 Certainly it makes a difference. The public pays me to be your commanding officer, 17 00:01:09,943 --> 00:01:12,635 it does not pay me to be your boyfriend. 18 00:01:12,659 --> 00:01:15,350 If you were to ask me a boyfriend question like, 19 00:01:15,374 --> 00:01:18,265 "I think I've left the gas on at home, what shall I do?" 20 00:01:18,289 --> 00:01:20,737 I should feel unable to answer until lunchtime. 21 00:01:22,428 --> 00:01:24,622 By which time our house would have exploded. 22 00:01:24,646 --> 00:01:27,570 Making it a police matter with which I would feel justified 23 00:01:27,594 --> 00:01:29,358 in dealing on police time. 24 00:01:29,382 --> 00:01:31,146 I see. 25 00:01:31,170 --> 00:01:34,425 Well, I suppose this is a matter of advice. 26 00:01:34,449 --> 00:01:37,273 And I would like you to answer partly as my commander, 27 00:01:37,297 --> 00:01:39,028 and partly as my boyfriend. 28 00:01:39,052 --> 00:01:40,949 Good, well that seems simple enough. 29 00:01:40,973 --> 00:01:42,571 I shall give you my police answer now, 30 00:01:42,595 --> 00:01:44,824 for which of course, the public will be paying me, 31 00:01:44,848 --> 00:01:47,175 and I shall give you my personal answer over lunch, 32 00:01:47,199 --> 00:01:49,559 for which I will expect no reimbursement, 33 00:01:49,583 --> 00:01:53,003 other than the satisfaction of being your helpmeet. 34 00:01:53,027 --> 00:01:56,647 Right. Well, here's my problem. 35 00:01:56,671 --> 00:01:58,832 If you know something is wrong, 36 00:01:58,856 --> 00:02:02,242 but the method by which you know it is wrong is also wrong, 37 00:02:02,266 --> 00:02:05,621 is it right to right the wrong? Or wrong to do right? 38 00:02:05,645 --> 00:02:08,468 Because the real wrong is that it was not right to know the wrong, 39 00:02:08,492 --> 00:02:10,655 and so righting the wrong cannot be right. 40 00:02:10,679 --> 00:02:13,435 Yes, I see. 41 00:02:13,459 --> 00:02:16,217 Well, speaking as your commanding officer, 42 00:02:16,241 --> 00:02:18,602 I'm afraid I don't quite follow. 43 00:02:18,626 --> 00:02:21,715 Sir, the town hall's on the line. 44 00:02:21,739 --> 00:02:24,165 The mayoress wants to come see you this lunchtime. 45 00:02:24,189 --> 00:02:28,471 - Dame Christabel Wickham! - I'll take this. 46 00:02:28,495 --> 00:02:30,689 Dame Christabel, you're a stuck-up tart 47 00:02:30,713 --> 00:02:32,600 why don't you bog off and die. 48 00:02:36,177 --> 00:02:38,968 Dame Christabel, there is a female lunatic in my office. 49 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,452 Get off, you female lunatic. How dare you insult 50 00:02:41,476 --> 00:02:44,300 Gasforth's most distinguished public servant? 51 00:02:44,324 --> 00:02:46,321 Restrain her, somebody... Ohh! 52 00:02:46,345 --> 00:02:48,440 It's for your own good, madam. 53 00:02:48,464 --> 00:02:51,685 Give me back that phone, I said give me back that phone. 54 00:02:52,909 --> 00:02:56,064 Constable, constable... 55 00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,779 Yes, sir? Remove her to a caring institution 56 00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:01,296 where she can receive the treatment she so clearly needs. 57 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,406 That I will do, sir. 58 00:03:03,449 --> 00:03:07,257 She's gone. 59 00:03:07,281 --> 00:03:10,503 Hello? Oh my god, she's rung off! 60 00:03:10,527 --> 00:03:12,490 No, sir, she was never on. 61 00:03:12,514 --> 00:03:14,467 I haven't put her through yet. 62 00:03:17,779 --> 00:03:20,106 Oh, I see. 63 00:03:20,130 --> 00:03:23,219 Haaaaa. 64 00:03:23,243 --> 00:03:25,438 Oh well-oh in that case uh, just tell her 65 00:03:25,462 --> 00:03:28,054 I should be delighted to receive her, Habib. 66 00:03:28,078 --> 00:03:32,459 - Most delighted. - I'll try and strike the right tone, sir. 67 00:03:32,483 --> 00:03:34,545 Now if you could kindly haul your mind 68 00:03:34,569 --> 00:03:36,698 back from your fantasies of tight little skirts 69 00:03:36,722 --> 00:03:39,512 and first-class degrees from Oxbridge... 70 00:03:39,536 --> 00:03:42,890 - Mmm? - We were discussing my problem. 71 00:03:42,914 --> 00:03:45,307 Yes. Look, Patricia, would it be all right 72 00:03:45,331 --> 00:03:47,062 if I ignored you completely? 73 00:03:47,086 --> 00:03:50,606 Not at all, Raymond, I'll just pretend we were in bed. 74 00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:53,554 You see, the mayoress is coming 75 00:03:53,578 --> 00:03:56,369 in only three and a half hours and I must be prepared. 76 00:03:56,393 --> 00:03:58,256 Oh damn, diddle and doo-dah! 77 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,475 This would be the week when my nose-hair clippers 78 00:04:00,499 --> 00:04:02,958 are being resharpened at the ironmongers. 79 00:04:02,982 --> 00:04:04,945 Raymond, this is serious. 80 00:04:04,969 --> 00:04:07,429 I've been studying the weekend tapes 81 00:04:07,453 --> 00:04:10,344 of the town center closed-circuit TV cameras. 82 00:04:10,368 --> 00:04:14,175 There's something I'm very worried about. Now will you please concentrate? 83 00:04:14,764 --> 00:04:16,579 Yes. Yes. Of course, of course. 84 00:04:17,463 --> 00:04:20,425 Do you think this is time to get my haircut? 85 00:04:21,818 --> 00:04:25,040 In that flat, the window above the shop- 86 00:04:25,064 --> 00:04:28,450 Patricia, that is a private dwelling. We have no right- 87 00:04:28,474 --> 00:04:32,357 I know, but look. The figure in the skirt and the man- 88 00:04:32,381 --> 00:04:34,742 He's raising his hand above his head, look! 89 00:04:34,766 --> 00:04:36,895 He's hitting her with some kind of weapon. 90 00:04:36,919 --> 00:04:39,742 Great trumpeting trousers, so he is! 91 00:04:39,766 --> 00:04:43,552 The unutterable swine, the cowardly, custardy cad! 92 00:04:43,576 --> 00:04:45,539 That man must be brought to book. 93 00:04:45,563 --> 00:04:47,526 But we only know about the woman's problems 94 00:04:47,550 --> 00:04:49,744 through intrusive electronic surveillance. 95 00:04:49,768 --> 00:04:52,692 - We're in a very difficult position. - Yes, that's true. 96 00:04:52,716 --> 00:04:55,738 Ooh, you've put me on the horns of a dilemma. 97 00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:58,321 One horn is personal inclination, 98 00:04:58,345 --> 00:05:00,573 the other horn is stern duty. 99 00:05:00,597 --> 00:05:02,394 Well I'm quite pleased, really. 100 00:05:02,418 --> 00:05:06,202 It's a long time since I put you on any sort of horn at all. 101 00:05:06,226 --> 00:05:08,620 Don't be so saucy, Patricia. 102 00:05:08,644 --> 00:05:11,435 Besides which, it's just not true. 103 00:05:11,459 --> 00:05:14,283 I find you enormously exciting. 104 00:05:14,307 --> 00:05:17,561 But then I find bread and butter pudding exciting. 105 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:20,796 And I wouldn't want a portion every night, would I? 106 00:05:21,273 --> 00:05:23,015 Becasue, then it wouldn't be special. 107 00:05:23,632 --> 00:05:26,452 Now, let us return to this horn you've put me on. 108 00:05:26,546 --> 00:05:29,959 Oh! I'm sorry sir. I'll come back later. 109 00:05:31,117 --> 00:05:32,503 Don't worry Maggie. 110 00:05:32,527 --> 00:05:36,092 Inspector Fowler and I were just looking at some disgraceful illicit videos 111 00:05:36,242 --> 00:05:38,999 Yes, we were just discussing a very difficult position. 112 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,154 Perhaps you would like to join in. 113 00:05:43,507 --> 00:05:46,131 Well, it's a lovely thought sir. But you know... 114 00:05:46,235 --> 00:05:48,274 Two's a company and I'd rather die. 115 00:05:48,299 --> 00:05:51,203 I only came in to say the mayoress will be here at 1. 116 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:52,320 One? 117 00:05:52,398 --> 00:05:57,031 But it's 9:15 already. I've got polish my buttons, I've got to polish my buttons. 118 00:06:15,415 --> 00:06:18,973 Constable Boyle- 119 00:06:18,997 --> 00:06:21,741 Would you mind if I held your hand for a while? 120 00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:26,906 - Eh? - Give me your hand, I want to hold it. 121 00:06:26,930 --> 00:06:29,485 And tease it with me forefinger. 122 00:06:29,509 --> 00:06:31,360 Steady, sir. 123 00:06:31,384 --> 00:06:34,206 It's the secret handshake I'm practicing. 124 00:06:34,230 --> 00:06:37,319 Oh, I see, you're joining the masons? 125 00:06:37,343 --> 00:06:40,934 No, they knocked me back last year. 126 00:06:40,958 --> 00:06:43,980 Said me knees were too knobbly. 127 00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:48,936 Bloody masons- look after their own, promote their own, 128 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,977 cover up for their own... 129 00:06:51,001 --> 00:06:53,019 Well, you can see why I wanted to join. 130 00:06:53,043 --> 00:06:56,736 Anyway, stuff the masons, I'm going one better. 131 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,135 I'm joining the Todgers. 132 00:07:00,744 --> 00:07:03,599 The secret, most noble, medieval order 133 00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:05,608 of the masonic lodge Todgers. 134 00:07:05,632 --> 00:07:10,260 - Better costumes, better ceremonies- - Better nepotism. 135 00:07:10,284 --> 00:07:14,547 Exactly. I'm not gonna fanny about in Gasforth forever. 136 00:07:14,571 --> 00:07:18,630 And if putting on a dress once a week 137 00:07:18,654 --> 00:07:23,116 and occasionally kissing a dead turkey's bottom 138 00:07:23,140 --> 00:07:26,364 is the price I have to pay, then so be it. 139 00:07:26,388 --> 00:07:28,898 Well you make sure it's properly plucked, sir. 140 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,986 In my experience turkey bristle can be very coarse. 141 00:07:39,009 --> 00:07:41,217 Your ex-girlfriend's here. 142 00:07:41,775 --> 00:07:44,228 You know, I think she waxes her upper-lip. 143 00:07:44,689 --> 00:07:48,137 For the final time, Patricia, the mayoress was never my girlfriend. 144 00:07:48,162 --> 00:07:50,237 We just went to the same grammar school. 145 00:07:50,342 --> 00:07:52,482 It's no use lying to me, Raymond 146 00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:54,746 I can tell when you fancy someone, your nose twitches. 147 00:07:54,771 --> 00:07:56,857 Oh, don't be ridiculous, Patricia. 148 00:07:56,947 --> 00:08:00,338 Can't wait around all day, Raymond, I've got a town to run. 149 00:08:00,362 --> 00:08:02,984 Yes, of course, dame Chrissy. 150 00:08:03,008 --> 00:08:05,159 Please, take a seat. 151 00:08:05,183 --> 00:08:08,162 I do apologize for my sergeant's tardiness. 152 00:08:10,086 --> 00:08:12,271 Was there something, sergeant? 153 00:08:12,295 --> 00:08:15,207 Tea, sergeant, close the door behind you. 154 00:08:36,023 --> 00:08:39,605 I'll come straight to the point, Raymond- serious situation. 155 00:08:40,512 --> 00:08:43,188 My cute little derriere is in your hands. 156 00:08:46,828 --> 00:08:50,510 Gasforth is harboring an illegal asylum seeker. 157 00:08:50,535 --> 00:08:52,198 His time runs out at the end of the week 158 00:08:52,223 --> 00:08:54,487 and you'll be required to arrest him for deportation. 159 00:08:54,565 --> 00:08:58,386 Yes, hardly a pleaseant job your worshipful mayoressiness. 160 00:08:58,411 --> 00:09:00,737 But, duty is my master. 161 00:09:00,764 --> 00:09:03,452 The problem is that there is an observer 162 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:06,196 from the European parliament in town as well. 163 00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:08,908 Well that's no concern of mine. I serve her majesty, 164 00:09:08,932 --> 00:09:11,007 not some soggy Brussels sprout. 165 00:09:11,104 --> 00:09:14,073 Shut up! Raymond. I am talking. 166 00:09:14,658 --> 00:09:17,763 My sources tell me that this Europe swine is 167 00:09:17,787 --> 00:09:20,189 an insufferably soapy bleeding-heart liberal. 168 00:09:20,330 --> 00:09:23,924 - Eh. These continental- - I said, shut up! Raymond. 169 00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:26,127 I have a good mind to discipline you. 170 00:09:30,190 --> 00:09:32,229 God! I hate them. 171 00:09:32,494 --> 00:09:35,283 These garlic gourging snail suckers. 172 00:09:35,932 --> 00:09:40,557 But, Gasforth is expecting a huge regional grant from the EC. 173 00:09:40,682 --> 00:09:43,885 And this illegal immigrant business could make us look very bad. 174 00:09:44,087 --> 00:09:49,368 The sight of gangs of rolses hurling weeping refugees into vans offends some people. 175 00:09:49,439 --> 00:09:50,689 God knows why. 176 00:09:51,017 --> 00:09:54,403 I can assure you that my men will be as gentle as a 177 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,798 bottle of lemon-scented fabric conditioiner. 178 00:09:56,923 --> 00:09:59,814 Shut up! Raymond. I won't tell you again. 179 00:10:00,908 --> 00:10:04,466 The point is that there have been so many reports recently 180 00:10:04,490 --> 00:10:07,178 about thuggery and racism in the police, 181 00:10:07,202 --> 00:10:09,992 that P.R.-Wise, we're vulnerable. 182 00:10:10,017 --> 00:10:12,423 You have to work on your image. 183 00:10:12,751 --> 00:10:16,455 Do you have any anti-racism initiatives underway in the station? 184 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,455 Briefings, discussion groups, that kind of thing? 185 00:10:20,915 --> 00:10:22,853 Can I speak? Yes! 186 00:10:22,931 --> 00:10:24,158 No, we haven't. 187 00:10:24,869 --> 00:10:26,386 Well, get some. 188 00:10:26,511 --> 00:10:29,894 And when you've done racism, get on to all the other 'ism's: 189 00:10:29,941 --> 00:10:33,128 sexism, pufterism, lesoism... 190 00:10:34,222 --> 00:10:36,207 When you nick this sniveling alien, 191 00:10:36,231 --> 00:10:39,354 I want to be able to show that greasy euro-bastard 192 00:10:39,378 --> 00:10:42,960 just how tolerant and balanced we are. 193 00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:47,835 So-racism, sexism, 194 00:10:47,859 --> 00:10:51,316 homoeroticaphobia... 195 00:10:51,340 --> 00:10:54,966 ...Ism, and the police. 196 00:10:54,990 --> 00:10:57,510 - Who would like to start the discussion? - I would, sir. 197 00:10:57,534 --> 00:10:59,786 You astonish me, constable Habib. 198 00:10:59,810 --> 00:11:03,803 I could not be more surprised if my hat had turned into a giant hedgehog. 199 00:11:03,827 --> 00:11:06,783 I'd like to talk about sir Paul Condon's report 200 00:11:06,807 --> 00:11:08,591 about policing and race, sir. 201 00:11:08,615 --> 00:11:10,566 Ah, well that sounds like a good idea. 202 00:11:10,590 --> 00:11:12,590 Which part of the report would you like to discuss? 203 00:11:12,674 --> 00:11:15,237 The digusting fascist racist bits, sir. 204 00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:20,299 Strangely that part of the report seems to have been omitted from my copy, Habib. 205 00:11:20,666 --> 00:11:23,187 I'm talking about his decision to make public 206 00:11:23,211 --> 00:11:26,401 the statistic that street crime and mugging in the capital 207 00:11:26,425 --> 00:11:29,281 are disproportionately committed by young black men. 208 00:11:29,305 --> 00:11:31,255 And you disapprove of this statement? 209 00:11:31,279 --> 00:11:33,498 Yes, I think he's being a- 210 00:11:33,522 --> 00:11:36,711 - Yes, Habib? - Well I always try to be nice, sir. 211 00:11:36,735 --> 00:11:39,714 So I'll just say, it rhymes with trucking tanker. 212 00:11:41,490 --> 00:11:44,580 Kindly restrain your poetry, Habib. 213 00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:47,057 I notice he didn't add that young black blokes 214 00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:49,200 find it much more difficult to get a job. 215 00:11:49,224 --> 00:11:51,275 Which came first, the chicken or the egg? 216 00:11:51,299 --> 00:11:53,619 - I know, I know. - You do, Goody? 217 00:11:53,643 --> 00:11:57,536 - So what is the answer? - Because it wanted to get to the other side. 218 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,411 Be quiet, Goody! 219 00:11:59,435 --> 00:12:02,624 The chief constable can only report facts, Habib. 220 00:12:02,648 --> 00:12:05,972 It is not his duty to enter into socio-political analysis 221 00:12:05,996 --> 00:12:07,913 as to why those facts have come about. 222 00:12:07,937 --> 00:12:12,088 - Give a dog a bad name... - We gave our dog a bad name- 223 00:12:13,562 --> 00:12:15,413 Colin. 224 00:12:15,437 --> 00:12:17,221 Terrible name. 225 00:12:17,245 --> 00:12:21,272 You have no idea how many people are called Colin. 226 00:12:21,296 --> 00:12:24,017 We'd go to the park, I'd shout, "come here, Colin," 227 00:12:24,041 --> 00:12:26,785 And 15 people would turn round. 228 00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:30,278 And big people too, sir. 229 00:12:30,302 --> 00:12:33,457 I mean, for some reason, it's the big lads that get called Colin. 230 00:12:33,481 --> 00:12:37,106 I mean, I'd shout, "Colin, you're a bad boy. 231 00:12:37,130 --> 00:12:40,052 I just saw you do a kaka 232 00:12:40,076 --> 00:12:43,702 and now I'm going to rub your nose in it." 233 00:12:43,726 --> 00:12:47,015 The next thing I knew, I'd wake up in an ambulance. 234 00:12:47,039 --> 00:12:49,326 Yes, yes, yes, yes, excuse me, sir, 235 00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:51,402 but aren't we wandering from the point? 236 00:12:51,426 --> 00:12:53,243 Yes indeed we are. Well done, Goody. 237 00:12:53,267 --> 00:12:57,059 Yes, because we were talking about chickens, not dogs. 238 00:12:57,083 --> 00:12:58,864 No the point is-oh-ah... 239 00:12:58,889 --> 00:13:00,063 What was the point? 240 00:13:00,087 --> 00:13:03,119 Paul Condon demonizing the children of immigrants. 241 00:13:03,143 --> 00:13:05,195 Exactly-no, no it is not. 242 00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:08,109 Sir Paul Condon was in possession of certain facts. 243 00:13:08,133 --> 00:13:11,022 Is he to withhold those facts because he doesn't like them? 244 00:13:11,046 --> 00:13:13,198 He withholds plenty, sir. 245 00:13:13,222 --> 00:13:16,379 I expect he's got an idea how many bent coppers there are in the met, 246 00:13:16,403 --> 00:13:19,860 how many freemasons, but he doesn't think the public need to know about that. 247 00:13:19,884 --> 00:13:22,327 We are discussing the problems of race, Habib. 248 00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:25,024 The fact that the metropolitan force 249 00:13:25,064 --> 00:13:28,899 seems to consist almost entirely of swaggering ill-mannered louts 250 00:13:28,970 --> 00:13:33,454 who thinks that every officer stationed outside the M-25 has manuver on his trousers. 251 00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:38,337 Rides a penny farthing and says "Who are my flower" instead of "Hello" 252 00:13:38,454 --> 00:13:39,673 is irrelavant. 253 00:13:39,728 --> 00:13:42,070 Sir Paul Condon can not- 254 00:13:45,486 --> 00:13:47,471 Why are you sniggering, boy? 255 00:13:47,495 --> 00:13:49,680 - I'm not sniggering, sir. - You are sniggering. 256 00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:53,420 Well, I mean come on, sir. The bloke's name is Condon. 257 00:13:56,299 --> 00:13:59,322 I don't see anything remotely amusing about that, Goody. 258 00:13:59,346 --> 00:14:03,306 Oh come now, sir, I think you do. 259 00:14:03,330 --> 00:14:05,314 No I don't, Goody. 260 00:14:05,338 --> 00:14:08,753 But sir, it sounds exactly like "condom." 261 00:14:10,495 --> 00:14:13,114 You can see them on the news, sir- 262 00:14:13,138 --> 00:14:15,793 "the metropolitan police chief, sir Paul Condon..." 263 00:14:15,817 --> 00:14:18,036 And you know that newsreader's thinking, 264 00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:21,709 "I hope I don't say 'condom' I hope I don't say 'condom'..." 265 00:14:22,315 --> 00:14:24,031 Be quiet, you imbecile. 266 00:14:24,055 --> 00:14:28,282 - We are discussing racism. - Ooh, I know all about racism, sir. 267 00:14:28,306 --> 00:14:30,559 My mother prepared me for it. 268 00:14:30,583 --> 00:14:34,008 Ah, she explained to you the sad truth of irrational hatred. 269 00:14:34,032 --> 00:14:37,890 No, she beat me and called me names. 270 00:14:37,914 --> 00:14:40,402 Yes, thank you for sharing that with us, Gladstone. 271 00:14:40,426 --> 00:14:42,143 Listen to 'em. 272 00:14:42,167 --> 00:14:46,528 It gets right on my raving titties. 273 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:50,378 I mean I'm no racist, I don't mind people coming over here, 274 00:14:50,402 --> 00:14:53,258 but when they do, they should be like us. 275 00:14:53,282 --> 00:14:58,235 People don't want a load of weird customs and funny clothes. 276 00:14:59,542 --> 00:15:01,660 Right, I put the hood on, see. 277 00:15:01,684 --> 00:15:05,645 And I kiss the turkey with my head between my legs. 278 00:15:05,669 --> 00:15:09,562 I'll show you, I'll squat on the desk to make it easier. 279 00:15:09,586 --> 00:15:12,975 Now, I need a hood. I'll use the bag I brought the bird in. 280 00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:16,525 It's a frozen one from Tina's freezer. 281 00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:18,590 Okay... 282 00:15:20,532 --> 00:15:22,752 You line up the fowl... 283 00:15:22,776 --> 00:15:25,931 Well, I wouldn't kiss it if I were you, sir. 284 00:15:25,955 --> 00:15:28,944 It's still a bit chilly, your lips might stick to its bum. 285 00:15:28,968 --> 00:15:32,517 Well, breathe on it first. 286 00:15:34,090 --> 00:15:37,549 What are you lot staring at? 287 00:15:37,573 --> 00:15:39,658 We were just celebrating the rich diversity 288 00:15:39,682 --> 00:15:41,566 of culture in our station. 289 00:15:41,590 --> 00:15:43,374 I confess I had not expected to see it 290 00:15:43,398 --> 00:15:45,350 quite so graphically illustrated. 291 00:15:45,374 --> 00:15:48,630 Oh yeah, well I don't like culture. 292 00:15:48,654 --> 00:15:53,216 - I beg your pardon? - Bleedin' ballet and opera, 293 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,732 especially when they spend lottery money on it. 294 00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:58,813 Wasting the working man's bet 295 00:15:58,933 --> 00:16:02,024 on fat screeching old bags from Italy 296 00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:04,968 singing like they got piles, 297 00:16:04,992 --> 00:16:08,484 or some bunch of scrawny bints in tutus 298 00:16:08,508 --> 00:16:10,994 called Darcy and Tilda, 299 00:16:11,018 --> 00:16:14,065 flashing their gussets at a lot of horny perverts. 300 00:16:15,639 --> 00:16:19,732 Art? Culture? Staring at posh birds' knickers, 301 00:16:19,756 --> 00:16:22,099 that's all "swan bleeding lake" boils down to. 302 00:16:23,372 --> 00:16:25,457 They should use all the money 303 00:16:25,481 --> 00:16:28,638 for kiddies with incurable diseases. 304 00:16:28,662 --> 00:16:31,584 When me and my Tina buy our lottery ticket 305 00:16:31,608 --> 00:16:33,760 out of the goodness of our heart- 306 00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:36,305 And in the hope of winning £20 million. 307 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:39,852 Yes, and we want to know that by winning £20 million 308 00:16:39,876 --> 00:16:42,498 we will be helping little kiddies. 309 00:16:42,522 --> 00:16:47,620 Not haughty, hoity- stick-it-up-your-toity, 310 00:16:47,644 --> 00:16:49,662 high-and-mighty, tight-nosed, 311 00:16:49,686 --> 00:16:52,943 toffee-arsed, sun-dried-tomato-eating, 312 00:16:52,967 --> 00:16:55,912 la-di-da-di la-di-dahs. 313 00:16:58,858 --> 00:17:02,048 Yes, well let us hope that some of the lottery money 314 00:17:02,072 --> 00:17:04,080 goes to aiding the incurably insane. 315 00:17:05,522 --> 00:17:08,477 In which case you'll get your money back. 316 00:17:08,501 --> 00:17:11,054 Habib is right about one thing- 317 00:17:11,078 --> 00:17:14,904 The police cannot fight racism if we are racist ourselves. 318 00:17:14,928 --> 00:17:18,085 It would be very much a matter of the pot calling the kettle... 319 00:17:18,109 --> 00:17:19,859 Um... 320 00:17:19,883 --> 00:17:21,701 Uh... 321 00:17:21,725 --> 00:17:23,766 African-American. 322 00:17:25,442 --> 00:17:27,326 So-how racist are we? 323 00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:32,113 Well, in order to find out, I propose to be a Martian. 324 00:17:32,137 --> 00:17:35,963 Imagine that I've just beamed down in my space podule and joined the police. 325 00:17:35,987 --> 00:17:39,245 Excuse me, sir... If you just beamed down in your podule, 326 00:17:39,269 --> 00:17:41,119 you wouldn't be joining anything 327 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:44,332 you'd be detained under the immigration act, and stuck in a transit camp. 328 00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:47,870 I have applied for asylum. 329 00:17:47,948 --> 00:17:51,863 There are 65,000 in front of you, and only one in 25 stand a chance. 330 00:17:51,888 --> 00:17:53,260 What are your grounds? 331 00:17:53,285 --> 00:17:55,859 I am a martian dissident, Habib, 332 00:17:55,883 --> 00:17:59,107 who has incurred the displeasure of the martian authorities, 333 00:17:59,131 --> 00:18:01,116 by protesting against the Americans 334 00:18:01,140 --> 00:18:04,520 taking any more fuzzy photographs of our gaseous emissions. 335 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:08,447 If I return to Mars I will be murdered. 336 00:18:08,471 --> 00:18:11,695 The home office will expect you to prove you'll be murdered, sir. 337 00:18:11,719 --> 00:18:13,837 The normal method is to send you back 338 00:18:13,861 --> 00:18:17,175 and if you get murdered, they'll admit you were telling the truth. 339 00:18:17,465 --> 00:18:19,285 Yes, alright. Habib. 340 00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:21,551 Great simmering sausages. 341 00:18:21,582 --> 00:18:24,559 It's like sharing a police station with Lion Trodsky. 342 00:18:25,376 --> 00:18:28,665 All right, I have beamed down in my podule, 343 00:18:28,689 --> 00:18:30,540 applied for asylum, 344 00:18:30,564 --> 00:18:33,486 been refused, taken refuge in a church, 345 00:18:33,510 --> 00:18:36,466 and become the focus of a major protest campaign 346 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:40,182 funded by a charity concert performed by unpleasant comedians 347 00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:43,028 who think it's clever to swear. 348 00:18:43,052 --> 00:18:45,673 I have appealed against deportation and lost, 349 00:18:45,697 --> 00:18:48,184 both in the high court and in the house of lords, 350 00:18:48,208 --> 00:18:51,163 but won at the court of justice in the Hague. 351 00:18:51,187 --> 00:18:53,507 I have married a sweet girl from Solihull 352 00:18:53,531 --> 00:18:57,123 who did not object to my three enormous pulsating heads 353 00:18:57,147 --> 00:18:59,432 with sticky out veins all over them, 354 00:18:59,456 --> 00:19:02,612 I have settled in Gasforth, done my A-levels at night school, 355 00:19:02,636 --> 00:19:05,759 bought a secondhand Datsun cherry and joined the police force. 356 00:19:05,783 --> 00:19:07,901 Satisfied? 357 00:19:07,925 --> 00:19:11,217 Well, it's not up to me, sir. It's up to the home office. 358 00:19:11,241 --> 00:19:13,181 Well they are delighted. 359 00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,507 Now, perhaps we can move on. 360 00:19:16,531 --> 00:19:19,520 Try if you would, to picture your new colleague. 361 00:19:19,544 --> 00:19:21,662 Martians, as we all know, 362 00:19:21,686 --> 00:19:24,575 are green and called Zog. 363 00:19:24,599 --> 00:19:26,851 I've already mentioned the three enormous heads, 364 00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:29,463 add to this 15-inch long pulsating fingers, 365 00:19:29,487 --> 00:19:32,365 multiple legs and a flashing belly button. 366 00:19:34,575 --> 00:19:36,594 It's my first day in the service 367 00:19:36,618 --> 00:19:38,668 and I'm about to enter the briefing room. 368 00:19:38,692 --> 00:19:41,046 You'll have to imagine the multiple heads and the legs 369 00:19:41,070 --> 00:19:43,713 and the flashing belly button. 370 00:20:02,027 --> 00:20:04,035 Hello. 371 00:20:05,107 --> 00:20:07,549 My name is constable Zog. 372 00:20:09,359 --> 00:20:12,170 I'm patrolling the beat with you today. 373 00:20:13,444 --> 00:20:15,452 I hope we shall be friends. 374 00:20:19,504 --> 00:20:22,582 All right, Goody, what would be your reaction? 375 00:20:27,003 --> 00:20:29,892 - I'm just trying to imagine it now. - Good, good. 376 00:20:29,916 --> 00:20:32,302 These three heads- 377 00:20:32,326 --> 00:20:34,813 Do you have a helmet on each one? 378 00:20:34,837 --> 00:20:38,461 Yes, yes, if you like. Just greet me, boy, greet me. 379 00:20:38,485 --> 00:20:41,063 Hello, hello, hello. 380 00:20:46,956 --> 00:20:49,209 And so my point is illustrated. 381 00:20:49,233 --> 00:20:51,218 Goody can only consider my shape. 382 00:20:51,242 --> 00:20:53,126 Ah-not so, sir. 383 00:20:53,150 --> 00:20:56,707 I'm also thinking about how green you are. 384 00:20:56,731 --> 00:21:00,293 And that is not acceptable either. You must be color-blind. 385 00:21:00,379 --> 00:21:02,872 You may call me a dirty swine. 386 00:21:02,934 --> 00:21:05,762 But you may not call me a dirty green swine 387 00:21:05,864 --> 00:21:07,950 why thank you, sir. You are a dirty swine. 388 00:21:08,012 --> 00:21:09,707 Don't be cheeky, boy. 389 00:21:09,754 --> 00:21:12,535 That is eady for you to say, Zog, you have six cheeks. 390 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,504 And I have't even started counting your bottom yet. 391 00:21:14,528 --> 00:21:17,355 Look, look. You are considering only appearance. 392 00:21:17,490 --> 00:21:20,310 Concentrating on the fact that I'm different from you. 393 00:21:20,459 --> 00:21:21,778 Dustin. Yes, sir. 394 00:21:21,873 --> 00:21:24,763 Could you forget about the fact that I'm green and have three heads? 395 00:21:24,834 --> 00:21:26,528 I don't think I could, sir. 396 00:21:27,583 --> 00:21:29,537 But, does that make me a racist? 397 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,325 Sir, I think you should be celebrating your greenness, 398 00:21:33,026 --> 00:21:36,316 - not hoping that we'll ignore it. - Yes, you're right, Habib. 399 00:21:36,340 --> 00:21:39,061 I must be more assertive. Right, here we go. 400 00:21:39,085 --> 00:21:41,471 Hello, I'm Zog, I'm from Mars. 401 00:21:41,495 --> 00:21:43,346 Get used to it. 402 00:21:43,370 --> 00:21:46,526 Hello, hello, I'm Kevin from just outside Basingstoke, 403 00:21:46,550 --> 00:21:50,176 and give me five, no give me 10, no 15, 20- 404 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,652 Yes all right, just sit down, Goody. 405 00:21:52,676 --> 00:21:54,427 Sit down. 406 00:21:54,451 --> 00:21:56,370 Now Goody... 407 00:21:56,394 --> 00:21:59,215 Now Goody, this is my first day at work. 408 00:21:59,239 --> 00:22:01,993 - I'm your new colleague- - welcome, welcome, welcome. 409 00:22:02,017 --> 00:22:04,571 Thank you. You've got a cup of tea... 410 00:22:04,595 --> 00:22:07,015 - Yes. - ...I've got three cups of cocoa. 411 00:22:07,039 --> 00:22:09,928 Now, what friendly tips could you pass on to me? 412 00:22:09,952 --> 00:22:12,272 - Absolutely honestly? - Yes. 413 00:22:12,296 --> 00:22:14,347 Right, I'd say this- 414 00:22:14,371 --> 00:22:17,226 Watch out for inspector Fowler, he's a grumpy old git 415 00:22:17,250 --> 00:22:19,927 and given half a chance he'll whip your Curly Wurly. 416 00:22:21,234 --> 00:22:23,487 Look, we are deviating from the point. 417 00:22:23,511 --> 00:22:26,298 I'm simply trying to establish that all men, 418 00:22:26,322 --> 00:22:29,111 be they Martian, Mauritian, or Mancunian, 419 00:22:29,135 --> 00:22:31,522 - are born equal. - All men? 420 00:22:31,546 --> 00:22:33,932 Huh! So this Martian is a sexist, is he? 421 00:22:33,956 --> 00:22:35,116 Surprise, surprise. 422 00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:37,614 Look, we are not talking about anybody's sex, Habib. 423 00:22:37,638 --> 00:22:40,794 Sex with a Martian, sounds great to me. 424 00:22:40,818 --> 00:22:43,105 Not to me. Three head saying, 425 00:22:43,129 --> 00:22:45,716 "I've got a headache, I've got a headache, I've got a headache." 426 00:22:45,740 --> 00:22:49,097 Mind you, those pulsating fingers sound all right. 427 00:22:49,121 --> 00:22:51,875 This Martian is asexual, Habib. 428 00:22:51,899 --> 00:22:54,788 A sexual machine if you ask me. 429 00:22:54,812 --> 00:22:58,738 You said so yourself, sir, you've got veins popping out all over your head. 430 00:22:58,762 --> 00:23:01,084 What have you got lurking between those multiple legs, sir? 431 00:23:01,108 --> 00:23:03,997 Look, look, we are not discussing sex or sexism. 432 00:23:04,021 --> 00:23:06,708 I merely stated that all men are created equal, 433 00:23:06,732 --> 00:23:08,918 and by men, Habib, I mean of course, 434 00:23:08,942 --> 00:23:11,361 men and persons of the opposite sex. 435 00:23:11,385 --> 00:23:13,671 Opposite sex? I'm sorry, sir, 436 00:23:13,695 --> 00:23:16,417 but defining one sex in terms of its position to the other 437 00:23:16,441 --> 00:23:20,734 is sexism, on Earth, Mars, Saturn, or any other planet. 438 00:23:20,758 --> 00:23:23,637 I've got a hilarious joke about Uranus. 439 00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:30,009 No you don't, Goody. You know a pathetic pun about my anus. 440 00:23:30,033 --> 00:23:31,916 I mean your anus. 441 00:23:31,940 --> 00:23:35,633 I mean the planet with the rude name. Oh really, Habib, 442 00:23:35,657 --> 00:23:38,177 look how you've confused the boy. 443 00:23:38,201 --> 00:23:40,487 Sexism is sexism, sir. 444 00:23:40,511 --> 00:23:42,385 Right. 445 00:23:43,858 --> 00:23:46,881 Patricia, I require your support. 446 00:23:46,905 --> 00:23:50,330 Constable Habib and I are discussing sexual positions. 447 00:23:50,354 --> 00:23:53,700 And I want you to assure her that I know only one. 448 00:23:56,570 --> 00:23:58,961 Well, there is no need to tell the whole world. 449 00:23:58,986 --> 00:24:01,578 - And that is the upright one. - What? 450 00:24:01,633 --> 00:24:04,195 In which men and women are interchangeable. 451 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,733 Raymond, what are you talking about? 452 00:24:06,757 --> 00:24:09,445 Sexual discrimination, which is a scourge. 453 00:24:09,469 --> 00:24:12,591 And I hope sergeant, that having lived with me for 11 years, 454 00:24:12,615 --> 00:24:15,170 you can vouch for the fact that when it comes to women, 455 00:24:15,194 --> 00:24:17,479 I'm not remotely discriminating. 456 00:24:17,503 --> 00:24:22,624 Fowler, can you keep your fannying about down? 457 00:24:23,125 --> 00:24:26,918 Police work is about villains, not isms. 458 00:24:26,942 --> 00:24:30,666 And what ism ever mugged an old lady? 459 00:24:30,690 --> 00:24:33,311 What ism ever robbed a bank? 460 00:24:33,335 --> 00:24:36,158 What ism ever held a gun to someone's head? 461 00:24:36,182 --> 00:24:38,859 Terrorism. 462 00:24:39,464 --> 00:24:41,784 Yeah, all right. 463 00:24:41,808 --> 00:24:45,400 And what ism ever threatened the security of the state? 464 00:24:45,424 --> 00:24:48,178 Marxism. 465 00:24:48,202 --> 00:24:50,355 What ism ever hurt anybody? 466 00:24:50,379 --> 00:24:52,815 - Sadism. - Boyle! 467 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,518 Do you think they do a uniform in your size? 468 00:24:56,059 --> 00:24:59,382 Isms are a very important part of police work, inspector Grim. 469 00:24:59,406 --> 00:25:02,764 People of all races and sexual orientations 470 00:25:02,788 --> 00:25:05,175 must feel at home at Gasforth police station. 471 00:25:05,199 --> 00:25:07,284 White people, black people, 472 00:25:07,308 --> 00:25:10,029 - heterosexuals... - Well of course, we're not bigots. 473 00:25:10,053 --> 00:25:12,205 - ...Homosexualists- - steady on. 474 00:25:12,229 --> 00:25:15,887 Yes. Gay sexuals should be able to serve her majesty 475 00:25:15,911 --> 00:25:17,558 without fear of harassment. 476 00:25:17,652 --> 00:25:20,121 Only if they are quite about it. 477 00:25:20,146 --> 00:25:22,559 No, not if they are quite about it. 478 00:25:22,629 --> 00:25:27,449 I believe that sexual relations are a diverse and many splendid thing. 479 00:25:27,574 --> 00:25:29,066 Can't say I've noticed. 480 00:25:30,167 --> 00:25:34,363 What is more, inoder that we might all become better educated and more tolerant, 481 00:25:34,410 --> 00:25:38,393 I've arranged for an officer of the persuation under discussion 482 00:25:38,518 --> 00:25:40,221 to come and speak to us. 483 00:25:40,502 --> 00:25:43,479 - You haven't! - Yes, I have. 484 00:25:43,854 --> 00:25:46,827 Well, I'm not talking to him. Why should I? 485 00:25:46,852 --> 00:25:51,932 It's all part of this creeping, crawling, 486 00:25:51,957 --> 00:25:55,365 poncey, namby, stick-it-up-your-pansy... 487 00:25:55,389 --> 00:25:57,496 Pardon me for being a fascist, 488 00:25:57,521 --> 00:25:59,549 but I don't happen to have time to discuss 489 00:25:59,574 --> 00:26:02,362 interior design, quiche recipes 490 00:26:02,386 --> 00:26:05,614 and Kylie Minogue hits with constable Whoopsie. 491 00:26:07,241 --> 00:26:10,457 I have important police work. 492 00:26:11,269 --> 00:26:14,772 The lodge master of my Todgers is coming to check me out 493 00:26:15,573 --> 00:26:18,015 before my initiation test. 494 00:26:18,616 --> 00:26:23,014 Yes, well I strongly disapprove of secret societies, Grim. 495 00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:25,794 If a man cannot be proud of his allegiances, 496 00:26:25,818 --> 00:26:29,610 and state them openly, then I fear they must be of questionable value. 497 00:26:29,634 --> 00:26:31,887 You do not find me concealing my membership 498 00:26:31,911 --> 00:26:34,096 of Gasforth amateur dramatic society 499 00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:37,879 behind silly movements and trousers at half-mast. 500 00:26:37,903 --> 00:26:41,184 Except of course, when we do "brigadoon." 501 00:26:42,858 --> 00:26:45,914 Yeah, well when I'm a chief superintendent 502 00:26:45,938 --> 00:26:48,307 at Scotland Yard, you'll be sorry. 503 00:26:48,332 --> 00:26:50,652 If that day should ever dawn, inspector Grim, 504 00:26:50,676 --> 00:26:53,287 we'll all be sorry. 505 00:26:53,348 --> 00:26:54,707 Hello? 506 00:26:55,629 --> 00:26:59,722 I'm Quinton. Detective Segeant Quinton Garvasier. 507 00:26:59,770 --> 00:27:01,418 I think I'm expected. 508 00:27:01,864 --> 00:27:04,723 Oh yes, of course. Ah ha, Welcome! 509 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,942 Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome. 510 00:27:08,082 --> 00:27:10,129 And, don't think twice about being a homosexual. 511 00:27:10,590 --> 00:27:13,184 Are you? Not that I've noticed. 512 00:27:13,262 --> 00:27:14,465 Not that I care. 513 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:18,489 I do wish people would shut up about it. Shut up! Shut up! 514 00:27:19,794 --> 00:27:23,699 I believe there is somebody around here that wishes to become one of us. 515 00:27:23,778 --> 00:27:26,583 - Right, that's it. I'm off. - Stay where you are, inspector Grim. 516 00:27:26,723 --> 00:27:28,286 Inspector Grim! 517 00:27:28,786 --> 00:27:29,977 Ah, that's right. 518 00:27:30,001 --> 00:27:33,270 Married, kids, "Penthouse" magazine in my briefcase. 519 00:27:34,403 --> 00:27:36,098 Hello. 520 00:27:37,532 --> 00:27:39,524 Little bird. 521 00:27:39,954 --> 00:27:42,766 I am not your little bird! 522 00:27:43,719 --> 00:27:46,384 There appears to be some sort of misunderstaging around here. 523 00:27:46,415 --> 00:27:50,024 I was under the impression, that you wish to become a Todger, inspector Grim. 524 00:27:51,561 --> 00:27:52,435 Raymond. 525 00:27:52,460 --> 00:27:55,505 The anti-discrimination officer has just called. He is stuck in traffic. 526 00:27:55,530 --> 00:27:57,393 No, wait! Sergeant, I didn't realize. 527 00:27:57,417 --> 00:28:00,628 I've brought my own turkey. Everything. 528 00:28:00,660 --> 00:28:03,777 Oh dear. He's dropped his jiblets. 529 00:28:04,206 --> 00:28:08,410 Well, there we have a perfect illustration of everything I've been talking about. 530 00:28:08,910 --> 00:28:11,519 Never judge people by appearances. 531 00:28:13,450 --> 00:28:16,445 I'm not looking forward to nicking this illegal alien today. 532 00:28:16,469 --> 00:28:18,587 I mean my parents are immigrants. 533 00:28:18,611 --> 00:28:20,664 I understand your feelings, constable, 534 00:28:20,688 --> 00:28:22,773 but your parents were legal, that's the point. 535 00:28:22,797 --> 00:28:25,852 - And they are now British. - I'm British, sir. 536 00:28:25,876 --> 00:28:27,995 But I've been told to go home many times. 537 00:28:28,019 --> 00:28:30,639 "Britain for the British," people have said. 538 00:28:30,663 --> 00:28:32,749 But I mean what is British? 539 00:28:32,773 --> 00:28:35,595 Everyone's the child of an immigrant at some point... 540 00:28:35,619 --> 00:28:38,742 - And most of them illegal. - Are they? 541 00:28:38,766 --> 00:28:42,089 Well, yes, I mean if you go back far enough. 542 00:28:42,113 --> 00:28:44,567 The Normans were illegal immigrants, weren't they? 543 00:28:44,591 --> 00:28:46,074 Yes I suppose they were. 544 00:28:46,098 --> 00:28:49,890 Do think they kept their wedding tackle inside their chain-mail? 545 00:28:49,914 --> 00:28:52,501 No chance. William the conqueror? 546 00:28:52,525 --> 00:28:54,878 More like William the bunkerer. 547 00:28:54,902 --> 00:28:56,786 Yes, yes. 548 00:28:56,810 --> 00:28:59,030 Do you know I've often wondered why 549 00:28:59,054 --> 00:29:01,339 king William was called William. 550 00:29:01,363 --> 00:29:03,147 What? 551 00:29:03,171 --> 00:29:06,016 Well, everyone else in his army was called Norman. 552 00:29:08,126 --> 00:29:10,111 Constable Gladstone made a good point. 553 00:29:10,135 --> 00:29:13,458 The appalling truth is, I've got a bit of frenchman in me. 554 00:29:13,482 --> 00:29:16,003 Well, if we're talking about illegal immigrants, 555 00:29:16,027 --> 00:29:20,321 what about the Vikings? It wasn't just their helmets that were horny. 556 00:29:20,345 --> 00:29:22,597 And before them there was the Romans. 557 00:29:22,621 --> 00:29:25,610 Those latin lovers were here for 300 years. 558 00:29:25,634 --> 00:29:27,753 How do you think they passed the time? 559 00:29:27,777 --> 00:29:29,428 Latin declension? 560 00:29:29,452 --> 00:29:31,904 Have it off, have it up, have it often. 561 00:29:31,928 --> 00:29:33,612 Be quiet, Habib. 562 00:29:33,636 --> 00:29:37,930 Really, you girls today, you're worse than the lads. 563 00:29:37,954 --> 00:29:41,335 This country's always been absorbing different cultures, different tribes. 564 00:29:41,472 --> 00:29:44,911 - Immigration is nothing new. - Yes, that's true. 565 00:29:44,936 --> 00:29:48,527 Although invaders have tended to steer clear of the Scots. 566 00:29:48,551 --> 00:29:51,272 Nobody wanted to go there, I suppose. 567 00:29:51,296 --> 00:29:53,917 Boiled oats and sheep stomach 568 00:29:53,941 --> 00:29:56,935 are scarcely likely to appeal to the French or Italians, are they? 569 00:29:57,123 --> 00:29:59,275 And they're certainly hard fighters. 570 00:29:59,299 --> 00:30:02,221 If you live in a country where the thistles are waist-high 571 00:30:02,245 --> 00:30:06,038 an nobody's invented trousers, you're going to toughen up a bit, aren't you? 572 00:30:06,062 --> 00:30:08,682 Oh well, like it or not, sir, 573 00:30:08,706 --> 00:30:11,115 Britain is a melting pot. 574 00:30:11,501 --> 00:30:13,934 My mother says I have a bit of Spanish in me 575 00:30:13,958 --> 00:30:16,087 because of my lovely hair and long lashes. 576 00:30:17,673 --> 00:30:21,532 And also she had a rather interesting holiday in Tormelinos in 1973 577 00:30:22,716 --> 00:30:24,493 yes, well none of this relieves us 578 00:30:24,518 --> 00:30:27,737 of a very difficult duty. Come on, everybody. 579 00:30:36,497 --> 00:30:39,619 Ha, the police. So, you have come. 580 00:30:39,643 --> 00:30:41,761 I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to come with us. 581 00:30:41,785 --> 00:30:44,508 What are you doing? You can't do this. 582 00:30:44,532 --> 00:30:45,882 - Hey- - Stay where you are, sir. 583 00:30:45,907 --> 00:30:47,588 I'm sorry, I have my duty. 584 00:30:47,612 --> 00:30:50,164 - Habib and Goody, put him in the van. - Yes, sir. 585 00:30:50,188 --> 00:30:52,375 - But this is an outrage! - Come along, sir. 586 00:30:52,399 --> 00:30:54,484 Uh, the arrest was carried out swiftly 587 00:30:54,508 --> 00:30:56,827 and without resort to force. 588 00:30:56,851 --> 00:30:59,103 The most demanding of civil libertarians 589 00:30:59,127 --> 00:31:01,848 could not have failed to be satisfied. 590 00:31:01,872 --> 00:31:04,762 Well done, Raymond, an excellent piece of work. 591 00:31:04,786 --> 00:31:06,703 You know, I think we need to schedule 592 00:31:06,727 --> 00:31:08,812 some private meetings to discuss your future. 593 00:31:08,836 --> 00:31:10,112 After all, 594 00:31:10,177 --> 00:31:13,133 we haven't had a private meeting since school. 595 00:31:13,157 --> 00:31:15,911 Do you think your hands will have warmed up by now... 596 00:31:15,935 --> 00:31:17,955 Feely? 597 00:31:19,517 --> 00:31:22,473 Sir, I'm afraid this gentlemen wants to have a word. 598 00:31:22,497 --> 00:31:24,482 Ah, here he is. 599 00:31:24,506 --> 00:31:27,183 This is our illegal asylum seeker. 600 00:31:28,222 --> 00:31:30,742 I don't think so, inspector. 601 00:31:30,766 --> 00:31:33,042 Our man's white, he's from Chechnya. 602 00:31:34,883 --> 00:31:36,868 Who's this? 603 00:31:36,892 --> 00:31:39,915 My name is Mustafa Dalcroix, 604 00:31:39,939 --> 00:31:42,292 european commissioner for human rights 605 00:31:42,316 --> 00:31:44,735 and a French national. 606 00:31:44,759 --> 00:31:46,979 A Frenchman? 607 00:31:47,003 --> 00:31:49,513 In my station? 608 00:31:51,161 --> 00:31:52,906 You - you British, uh? 609 00:31:52,931 --> 00:31:55,016 No wonder we all hate you. 610 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:57,626 Your chocolate isn't chocolatey enough, 611 00:31:57,650 --> 00:32:00,774 your bananas are too long and bendy, 612 00:32:00,798 --> 00:32:04,255 you insist on eating prawn cocktail crisps 613 00:32:04,279 --> 00:32:07,191 despite the fact that we have told you not to. 614 00:32:08,397 --> 00:32:11,118 And now it turns out that your policemen 615 00:32:11,142 --> 00:32:15,806 think all black people are illegal immigrants. 616 00:32:15,830 --> 00:32:17,904 Whoops. 617 00:32:19,044 --> 00:32:22,066 I intend to lodge a full report 618 00:32:22,090 --> 00:32:27,355 on this appalling display of bigotry and ignorance. 619 00:32:27,379 --> 00:32:30,502 - Au revoir. - - Monsieur Dalcroix- 620 00:32:30,526 --> 00:32:33,113 We have a grant application. 621 00:32:33,137 --> 00:32:35,882 This appalling racist will be fully disciplined. 622 00:32:38,628 --> 00:32:41,115 Oh, what a dreadful error. 623 00:32:41,139 --> 00:32:43,759 We all make mistakes, sir. 624 00:32:43,783 --> 00:32:46,538 Nothing I could do could make amends for a day like this. 625 00:32:46,562 --> 00:32:49,517 There's always my horny dilemma. 626 00:32:49,541 --> 00:32:52,754 You could have a stab at that. 627 00:33:00,187 --> 00:33:02,741 Yes, you're right, Patricia. 628 00:33:02,765 --> 00:33:06,324 I don't care how we came by this information, 629 00:33:06,348 --> 00:33:09,102 our duty is to protect the public, 630 00:33:09,126 --> 00:33:12,774 and great thundering thyroids, that's what we're going to do. 631 00:33:14,215 --> 00:33:16,457 Let's get the swine. 632 00:33:27,339 --> 00:33:29,613 Fly, turkey, fly! 633 00:33:32,561 --> 00:33:35,774 Approach the fowl. 634 00:33:37,783 --> 00:33:39,936 - Raymond! - Inspector Grim, 635 00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:42,112 this is supposed to be a secret initiation, 636 00:33:42,136 --> 00:33:44,645 you can't invite your friends. 637 00:33:45,986 --> 00:33:48,539 Close the turkey's legs, 638 00:33:48,563 --> 00:33:52,747 it's bottom shall not be kissed tonight. 639 00:33:55,827 --> 00:33:59,787 Oh, what a strange and dispiriting day. 640 00:33:59,811 --> 00:34:02,387 I got everything wrong. 641 00:34:03,357 --> 00:34:07,787 The homesexual officer turned out to be a Todger. 642 00:34:08,646 --> 00:34:13,770 The illegal alien turned out to be the European Commisioner for Human Rights. 643 00:34:14,763 --> 00:34:18,537 And the battered wife, turned out to be Grim. 644 00:34:20,638 --> 00:34:23,216 You did you best, Raymond, that's all you can do. 645 00:34:23,241 --> 00:34:25,576 Oh, but my best isn't good enough. 646 00:34:25,767 --> 00:34:27,794 I can't seem to get anything right. 647 00:34:27,827 --> 00:34:29,878 Well see how you go with this one- 648 00:34:29,902 --> 00:34:32,489 Between me and the mayoress, 649 00:34:32,513 --> 00:34:34,666 who do you find most exciting? 650 00:34:34,690 --> 00:34:37,611 Why Patricia, what an absurd question. 651 00:34:37,635 --> 00:34:40,323 You of course. How could it be otherwise? 652 00:34:40,347 --> 00:34:43,292 What about between me and a plate of bread and butter pudding? 653 00:34:44,532 --> 00:34:46,573 Hmmm. 654 00:34:47,947 --> 00:34:51,540 Would that be with custard, or without custard? 655 00:34:51,565 --> 00:34:53,673 Well I'll cover myself in custard if you like, 656 00:34:53,698 --> 00:34:56,450 but you've got to promise to take your bed socks off.