1
00:00:07,220 --> 00:00:10,525
Grandpa is in bed, Gus is in bed,
2
00:00:10,970 --> 00:00:13,983
Kelsey suggested that I do
go to bed too
3
00:00:13,993 --> 00:00:16,525
because I ruined dinner.
4
00:00:17,021 --> 00:00:18,915
Can you get me water?
5
00:00:18,925 --> 00:00:22,159
You can get some water from
put on the pizza, please?
6
00:00:22,169 --> 00:00:24,348
I don't know where the water is.
7
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:28,560
Joe Pera Spice Up The Night With You
8
00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:34,172
Hello. I'm Joe Pera and I
Melsky I'm at a party,
9
00:00:34,182 --> 00:00:37,422
so I'm here to babysit
to their daughter, Kelsey.
10
00:00:37,888 --> 00:00:42,070
At age 5, this could
be the first New Year's Eve he remembers,
11
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:46,685
and since he can't drive, his
fun is my responsibility.
12
00:00:49,481 --> 00:00:50,727
You found it.
13
00:00:51,235 --> 00:00:53,562
Want to play again
to "Find the Stump"?
14
00:00:54,146 --> 00:00:55,202
Um, no.
15
00:00:58,316 --> 00:01:00,121
Who is your favorite Muppet?
16
00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:02,282
Mine is Kermit.
17
00:01:02,292 --> 00:01:06,464
I like how he sings and dances
and keeps the group together.
18
00:01:07,875 --> 00:01:10,735
How come you're not out
with other adults?
19
00:01:11,956 --> 00:01:15,388
Because the best party of
New Year's Eve is right here.
20
00:01:17,702 --> 00:01:20,463
- Are you OK?
- Can I have a sip of your beer?
21
00:01:21,070 --> 00:01:24,223
I don't know how we got back
to this, but I can't.
22
00:01:26,511 --> 00:01:30,922
Believe me, I would have liked,
but you can't give beer to children.
23
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,375
It makes them wild.
24
00:01:40,856 --> 00:01:43,386
I am sorry. I was rude.
25
00:01:43,831 --> 00:01:46,818
I sent a message first
to Sarah who said:
26
00:01:47,098 --> 00:01:49,704
"Happy New Year. dash Joe."
27
00:01:50,072 --> 00:01:51,877
And I'm waiting for a response.
28
00:01:52,489 --> 00:01:54,693
Usually, I'm a phone call guy,
29
00:01:54,703 --> 00:01:58,798
but I thought tonight was out in
some fancy party downtown.
30
00:01:59,932 --> 00:02:03,735
Probably everyone is
doing a new type of dance...
31
00:02:05,498 --> 00:02:07,898
and drinking luxury cocktails like
32
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:09,989
"Disa-grandfather" with ice.
33
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:13,727
But it was Gene and Lulu who wrote.
34
00:02:14,107 --> 00:02:15,039
They say...
35
00:02:16,173 --> 00:02:17,629
"Happy New Year, Joe.
36
00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:20,357
We wear blue underwear."
37
00:02:22,265 --> 00:02:24,166
Seems like I share too much,
38
00:02:24,176 --> 00:02:26,986
but in several Latin American countries
39
00:02:27,216 --> 00:02:30,757
they believe the color of yours
underwear on New Year's Eve
40
00:02:30,767 --> 00:02:33,262
determine what the new year will bring.
41
00:02:34,107 --> 00:02:36,521
Blue underwear brings you good health,
42
00:02:36,809 --> 00:02:38,658
yellow, prosperity.
43
00:02:39,088 --> 00:02:40,701
Red brings romance,
44
00:02:40,711 --> 00:02:43,271
and white brings peace and harmony.
45
00:02:43,799 --> 00:02:48,350
I wonder what color I should wear it for
make my New Year's wish come true...
46
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,507
a professional slicer,
47
00:02:50,651 --> 00:02:54,533
so I can have mine
sliced just the way I like them
48
00:02:55,249 --> 00:02:56,521
nice and thick.
49
00:02:57,866 --> 00:03:02,482
Hey, Kelsey. You want to play Monopoly
"Police Forces" edition?
50
00:03:04,013 --> 00:03:04,883
No.
51
00:03:18,381 --> 00:03:20,715
Hurray! Fireworks!
52
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:24,161
Oh, I don't know, Kelsey Melsky.
53
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:27,628
If your parents found out,
they would be very angry with me.
54
00:03:31,276 --> 00:03:32,377
You know what?
55
00:03:33,310 --> 00:03:34,819
It's New Year's Eve.
56
00:03:35,891 --> 00:03:36,790
Damn it.
57
00:03:36,992 --> 00:03:37,792
Yes!
58
00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:40,961
To hell! To hell! To hell!
59
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,129
To hell!
60
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:44,256
To hell! To hell!
61
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:46,174
- To hell!
- Ready, Kelsey?
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00:03:47,681 --> 00:03:48,681
Three,
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00:03:48,966 --> 00:03:49,966
two,
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00:03:50,304 --> 00:03:51,304
one.
65
00:03:51,730 --> 00:03:54,353
Hey, it's 9pm.
66
00:04:06,402 --> 00:04:07,491
Nice.
67
00:04:12,537 --> 00:04:13,415
Nice.
68
00:04:15,887 --> 00:04:16,705
Handsome.
69
00:04:49,416 --> 00:04:53,266
This reminds me of something
that I was wondering.
70
00:04:53,964 --> 00:04:57,531
How come people don't clap
after every firework?
71
00:04:59,089 --> 00:05:01,303
Fireworks are fantastic,
72
00:05:01,938 --> 00:05:06,145
but I've noticed that people do
cheering for the first two or three
73
00:05:06,342 --> 00:05:09,489
but then, at the fourth or the
fifth firework
74
00:05:09,746 --> 00:05:13,943
they become silent as if they were
looking out of a train window
75
00:05:13,953 --> 00:05:16,571
while they go to visit relatives.
76
00:05:17,838 --> 00:05:19,265
And I ask myself:
77
00:05:19,989 --> 00:05:21,804
"Why does this happen?
78
00:05:22,439 --> 00:05:24,390
"What are they thinking?
79
00:05:25,112 --> 00:05:26,990
"Who is Keyser Soze?"
80
00:05:27,813 --> 00:05:31,401
And I think I can explain it
with my theory that I call
81
00:05:31,411 --> 00:05:34,868
"The four phases of observation
of the Pera fireworks".
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00:05:35,695 --> 00:05:36,695
Phase one.
83
00:05:37,668 --> 00:05:38,546
"Wow."
84
00:05:39,456 --> 00:05:42,563
I called it that because
that's what people say
85
00:05:42,573 --> 00:05:44,943
when the first one explodes
firework.
86
00:05:45,382 --> 00:05:47,165
A guy might even say:
87
00:05:47,635 --> 00:05:48,701
"Hell, yes."
88
00:05:49,384 --> 00:05:53,382
But gradually, the spectators
they will slide into the second phase
89
00:05:54,489 --> 00:05:56,381
"Think about fireworks."
90
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,753
Fireworks are hypnotic,
91
00:05:58,953 --> 00:06:02,373
just like normal
fire lit by brother-in-law.
92
00:06:02,861 --> 00:06:07,687
We stare at the fires and remember
than the other times we saw them.
93
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,719
And once this
nostalgia makes itself felt
94
00:06:11,729 --> 00:06:16,514
It's only a matter of time before
you drift into the third phase,
95
00:06:17,190 --> 00:06:19,456
"Thinking about ex-girlfriends."
96
00:06:20,207 --> 00:06:23,637
"I wonder where Allison
and Julie and Rosalita
97
00:06:23,647 --> 00:06:26,730
"they are watching the fires
fireworks this July 4th."
98
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:28,571
"I hope they are well,
99
00:06:28,865 --> 00:06:29,887
more or less."
100
00:06:30,051 --> 00:06:32,149
"No, I hope they're okay."
101
00:06:32,828 --> 00:06:34,676
And just like you promised yourself
102
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:37,601
that you will call them to see how they are doing.
103
00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:38,795
Boom.
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00:06:39,015 --> 00:06:40,098
Fourth phase.
105
00:06:40,972 --> 00:06:44,654
Bring you out of your thoughts
it is the definitive grand finale.
106
00:06:45,376 --> 00:06:47,285
"What was I thinking?"
107
00:06:47,818 --> 00:06:49,777
"I forgot, but wow."
108
00:06:50,173 --> 00:06:52,978
“The city has really come through
herself this year."
109
00:06:53,224 --> 00:06:57,263
“I feel like every dollar that
I paid in real estate taxes
110
00:06:57,273 --> 00:06:59,073
"exploded in my face."
111
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:05,582
"Stop complaining, honey.
Let's take the stroller to the car.
112
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:08,288
Our little boy, Albert, did it."
113
00:07:08,649 --> 00:07:10,307
"Of course, my wife."
114
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,074
“I'm sorry I did that to him
drinking too much before nap."
115
00:07:20,257 --> 00:07:22,660
"Oh, hey, it's Bill and Janet."
116
00:07:23,211 --> 00:07:24,277
"Hi, Bill."
117
00:07:24,709 --> 00:07:25,818
"Hi, Janet."
118
00:07:28,051 --> 00:07:30,711
"Whose house are we going to
to have coffee?"
119
00:07:31,167 --> 00:07:34,029
"How about ours, Joe?
We have a Keurigcoffee maker
120
00:07:34,039 --> 00:07:36,947
and a blueberry pie from
which we must free ourselves from".
121
00:07:37,547 --> 00:07:41,701
"Nobody wants it, so stay
trying to get rid of it with us?"
122
00:07:42,072 --> 00:07:43,935
"It's just a figure of speech, Joe."
123
00:07:45,113 --> 00:07:46,274
"Okay, then."
124
00:07:48,887 --> 00:07:52,587
“So, Bill, what do you think of the
fireworks show?"
125
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:58,187
"You know, it sounds strange, but I have it
found myself thinking about Diane
126
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,845
"the sweet girl with
which I went out with when I was 17.
127
00:08:01,309 --> 00:08:06,048
"July 4, 2005 was the last
night we spent together.
128
00:08:06,247 --> 00:08:08,436
"The next day it is
moved to Alaska."
129
00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,847
"Oh, you don't have to be jealous, darling."
130
00:08:12,857 --> 00:08:16,824
“I found out later that it was
eaten by a zodiac bear."
131
00:08:17,942 --> 00:08:19,494
"Joe, it's your turn."
132
00:08:20,288 --> 00:08:21,788
"Do you want me to be honest?"
133
00:08:22,566 --> 00:08:27,130
"I was thinking about Sarah,
because she is the woman for me."
134
00:08:27,947 --> 00:08:29,795
"You're such an asshole, Joe."
135
00:08:30,819 --> 00:08:31,885
"I'm sorry.
136
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:36,568
“When we get home tonight, we can
make love thinking of your pleasure."
137
00:08:37,276 --> 00:08:38,981
"You're such an asshole.
138
00:08:40,078 --> 00:08:41,833
I can't say no."
139
00:08:45,384 --> 00:08:48,084
Oh, Kelsey... go to bed. Go to bed.
140
00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,904
Are you pretending to sleep?
141
00:09:01,228 --> 00:09:03,074
- Did you have fun?
- Yes!
142
00:09:11,962 --> 00:09:14,377
Joe, where the hell are you?
143
00:09:21,384 --> 00:09:23,764
Joe, what are you doing?
144
00:09:26,612 --> 00:09:29,720
- Kelsey is pretending to sleep.
- Yes, even your neighbor.
145
00:09:29,730 --> 00:09:31,012
Look here.
146
00:09:33,886 --> 00:09:37,211
Oh, what do we have here?
Message from "Sarah Teacher".
147
00:09:37,221 --> 00:09:39,439
Ooh, should we read this?
148
00:09:39,449 --> 00:09:41,308
"Dear Joe, you make me horny.
149
00:09:41,318 --> 00:09:43,991
- No. I'm awake. I'm awake.
- I'm in the woods, I'm scrubbing..."
150
00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:46,110
I'm fine. I'm awake. I'm awake.
151
00:09:46,447 --> 00:09:49,958
"You too, Joe.
Snowmobiling with me on Saturday?"
152
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:53,582
I'm sorry, Joe. We had a couple of drinks
of glasses of "Disa-grandfather" with ice.
153
00:09:53,592 --> 00:09:57,607
Yes, but then it's over. Can you believe that those
idiots organized New Year's Eve
154
00:09:57,617 --> 00:09:59,937
with just one bottle of "Disa-grandfather"?
155
00:10:00,202 --> 00:10:03,051
"Screw it. I'm in."
156
00:10:05,055 --> 00:10:06,338
Wait a minute.
157
00:10:06,624 --> 00:10:08,531
Did you seriously send it?
158
00:10:09,337 --> 00:10:10,148
Yes.
159
00:10:10,633 --> 00:10:13,637
Oh, my god. What are you,
a complete idiot?
160
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,772
Don't know how to be a playboy?
161
00:10:15,958 --> 00:10:18,928
You have to be a pig, come on.
You need to take a picture of your little dick
162
00:10:18,938 --> 00:10:21,569
- and send it to the girl who...
- You know what, Mike?
163
00:10:22,126 --> 00:10:23,882
New year, new rules.
164
00:10:24,152 --> 00:10:27,274
You break my balls,
I'll break your lip.
165
00:10:31,818 --> 00:10:32,848
I am sorry.
166
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,191
I don't know where it came from.
167
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,962
And it was a good time for me,
and you ruined it a little.
168
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,925
Do the courtesy of going,
so I can have sex with my husband.
169
00:10:44,358 --> 00:10:45,337
Okay.
170
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:12,787
Translated by blakko
write.as/blakko