1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,296
♪
2
00:00:01,380 --> 00:00:03,007
And then I moved to Ohio...
3
00:00:03,091 --> 00:00:04,876
Akron, Ohio,
rubber capital of the world.
4
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,412
He's at the 20-minute mark.
Louis, make it stop.
5
00:00:07,496 --> 00:00:09,536
Never. I'm riveted. What a life.
6
00:00:09,620 --> 00:00:11,089
MARVIN: And it was there that I adopted
7
00:00:11,173 --> 00:00:14,376
a little pet alligator
I nicknamed Rocky.
8
00:00:14,460 --> 00:00:15,453
[Guests "Aww", laugh]
9
00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:17,155
His given name was Rico.
10
00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:18,756
- Rocky, baby!
- Rocky.
11
00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,325
All teeth and all love.
12
00:00:20,409 --> 00:00:21,659
[Laughter]
13
00:00:21,743 --> 00:00:24,095
That's my best Navy buddy, Clyde Roses.
14
00:00:24,179 --> 00:00:25,396
He followed me out to the Rust Belt.
15
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:28,099
We worked the line
at the GM plant together.
16
00:00:28,183 --> 00:00:29,734
And if anybody needs auto parts,
17
00:00:29,818 --> 00:00:31,169
I have a scrapyard in Pine Hills.
18
00:00:31,253 --> 00:00:32,170
[Guests murmur]
19
00:00:32,254 --> 00:00:33,972
You got a spoiler for a station wagon?
20
00:00:34,056 --> 00:00:36,207
Spoiler alert... I do.
21
00:00:36,291 --> 00:00:38,376
Now, uh, before we call it a night,
22
00:00:38,460 --> 00:00:40,145
there is one more thing...
23
00:00:40,229 --> 00:00:42,080
- Your retirement present.
- Ohh.
24
00:00:42,164 --> 00:00:43,248
♪
25
00:00:43,332 --> 00:00:46,151
You're getting me my very own
flagpole for the yard?
26
00:00:46,235 --> 00:00:47,852
Oh, honey, it's the perfect gift.
27
00:00:47,936 --> 00:00:48,953
Thank you, thank you.
28
00:00:49,037 --> 00:00:51,189
[Guests "Aww"]
29
00:00:51,273 --> 00:00:53,124
GRANDMA: Wait.
30
00:00:53,208 --> 00:00:55,527
I have an announcement.
31
00:00:55,611 --> 00:00:57,862
Grandma, if you fart right now,
it'd be the perfect joke.
32
00:00:57,946 --> 00:00:58,917
[Scoffs]
33
00:00:59,001 --> 00:01:00,002
_
34
00:01:00,086 --> 00:01:02,547
_
35
00:01:02,631 --> 00:01:05,436
_
36
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:07,672
♪
37
00:01:07,756 --> 00:01:09,841
[Softly] Retire from what?
38
00:01:09,925 --> 00:01:12,110
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
39
00:01:12,194 --> 00:01:13,278
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
40
00:01:13,362 --> 00:01:15,113
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
41
00:01:15,197 --> 00:01:17,415
♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪
42
00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:18,683
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
43
00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:21,019
♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪
44
00:01:21,103 --> 00:01:22,287
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
45
00:01:22,371 --> 00:01:25,256
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
46
00:01:25,340 --> 00:01:27,525
♪
47
00:01:27,609 --> 00:01:28,860
I'm just gonna say it.
48
00:01:28,944 --> 00:01:31,229
Does anyone know
what Grandma's retiring from?
49
00:01:31,313 --> 00:01:32,230
No idea.
50
00:01:32,314 --> 00:01:33,898
I am so happy you brought that up.
51
00:01:33,982 --> 00:01:36,583
I was standing there last night
thinking, "What on Earth?"
52
00:01:37,919 --> 00:01:41,369
I have made a list of
my preferred retirement gifts.
53
00:01:41,453 --> 00:01:43,675
- [Chuckles]
- Any one will do.
54
00:01:43,759 --> 00:01:45,143
Just a gift? No party?
55
00:01:45,227 --> 00:01:48,012
The answers you seek are on the list.
56
00:01:48,096 --> 00:01:50,448
♪
57
00:01:50,532 --> 00:01:52,483
Drum kit? Hot tub?
58
00:01:52,567 --> 00:01:54,619
Trip to Jamaica for one?
59
00:01:54,703 --> 00:01:55,787
She wouldn't like Jamaica.
60
00:01:55,871 --> 00:01:57,589
The post-colonial poverty
would bum her out.
61
00:01:57,673 --> 00:01:59,190
Kid gets one Bob Marley CD.
62
00:01:59,274 --> 00:02:00,191
[Scoffs]
63
00:02:00,275 --> 00:02:01,741
This list is crazy.
64
00:02:02,744 --> 00:02:05,041
Because she expects me to dismiss it.
65
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,599
She wants a retirement party,
but she's too proud to ask.
66
00:02:07,683 --> 00:02:09,667
Or she's just using that retirement
67
00:02:09,751 --> 00:02:11,369
as an excuse to get a gift.
68
00:02:11,453 --> 00:02:12,837
Well, can I afford to take the chance?
69
00:02:12,921 --> 00:02:14,939
I don't give her this party,
and then she'll seek revenge,
70
00:02:15,023 --> 00:02:16,474
and I just don't have the time for that.
71
00:02:16,558 --> 00:02:17,642
Totally get it.
72
00:02:17,726 --> 00:02:19,544
It's a lotta work,
but I'm happy to do it.
73
00:02:19,628 --> 00:02:21,328
She deserves to be celebrated.
74
00:02:23,425 --> 00:02:24,782
Can someone agree with me?
75
00:02:24,866 --> 00:02:26,384
- Sure. - Yep.
- What a woman. - No.
76
00:02:26,468 --> 00:02:32,156
♪
77
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,126
I know I seemed to be
my usual fun self at breakfast,
78
00:02:35,210 --> 00:02:37,662
but underneath that mirth,
I'm full of fear.
79
00:02:37,746 --> 00:02:39,230
- Why?
- We have a problem.
80
00:02:39,314 --> 00:02:40,965
At Marvin's party last night,
81
00:02:41,049 --> 00:02:43,134
I overheard him gossiping
about his patients.
82
00:02:43,218 --> 00:02:44,302
About a month ago,
83
00:02:44,386 --> 00:02:46,437
I was at his office
for a dental procedure.
84
00:02:46,521 --> 00:02:50,174
[Laughter echoing]
85
00:02:50,258 --> 00:02:51,636
What's so funny?
86
00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:52,553
Oh, nothing.
87
00:02:52,637 --> 00:02:55,079
You just told us a funny secret
while you were under the gas.
88
00:02:55,163 --> 00:02:57,915
Don't worry. I won't tell anybody.
89
00:02:57,999 --> 00:03:00,467
Dentist-Patient confidentiality.
90
00:03:01,536 --> 00:03:03,655
[Both laughing]
91
00:03:03,739 --> 00:03:04,789
Marvin retiring means
92
00:03:04,873 --> 00:03:07,358
that the Dentist-Patient
confidentiality is over.
93
00:03:07,442 --> 00:03:09,794
That's why he's blabbing
about his ex-patients.
94
00:03:09,878 --> 00:03:12,430
He can freely tell my secret
with no consequences.
95
00:03:12,514 --> 00:03:13,531
But, Evan, it's you.
96
00:03:13,615 --> 00:03:15,933
If you have any secrets,
they're baby secrets.
97
00:03:16,017 --> 00:03:17,702
Like you befriended a ladybug
98
00:03:17,786 --> 00:03:19,804
and then accidentally stepped on it.
99
00:03:19,888 --> 00:03:21,939
R.I.P., Spottypants.
100
00:03:22,023 --> 00:03:24,142
But I do have a big boy secret.
101
00:03:24,226 --> 00:03:25,810
And it could hurt us all.
102
00:03:25,894 --> 00:03:27,755
Marvin operated on my teeth
103
00:03:27,839 --> 00:03:29,929
the day after the best day of our lives.
104
00:03:31,066 --> 00:03:31,983
- No.
- Yep.
105
00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:35,119
I might've told him about "Reggie."
106
00:03:35,203 --> 00:03:35,933
[Both gasp]
107
00:03:36,017 --> 00:03:37,822
- Reggie?
- Reggie.
108
00:03:37,906 --> 00:03:40,992
♪
109
00:03:41,076 --> 00:03:43,154
[Gasps] Congrats, Jenny!
110
00:03:43,238 --> 00:03:47,065
It's amazing, you put in
all those years, doing...
111
00:03:47,149 --> 00:03:48,633
what you did.
112
00:03:48,717 --> 00:03:50,001
No longer, though.
113
00:03:50,085 --> 00:03:53,705
Yeah... Yeah, you did
a great job at that... the job.
114
00:03:53,789 --> 00:03:54,854
[Chuckles]
115
00:03:55,891 --> 00:03:57,275
- Okay.
- Okay.
116
00:03:57,359 --> 00:03:58,509
Hey, Carol-Joan,
117
00:03:58,593 --> 00:04:00,211
those lip injections are looking good.
118
00:04:00,295 --> 00:04:01,212
[Laughs]
119
00:04:01,296 --> 00:04:03,548
I only did it to be a better whistler.
120
00:04:03,632 --> 00:04:04,882
[Whistling]
121
00:04:04,966 --> 00:04:07,537
You were right. He's a blabber box.
122
00:04:07,621 --> 00:04:09,187
Uh, hello.
123
00:04:09,271 --> 00:04:10,988
I want to thank you all
124
00:04:11,072 --> 00:04:12,990
for joining us to celebrate
my mother's retirement.
125
00:04:13,074 --> 00:04:14,392
[Chuckles]
126
00:04:14,476 --> 00:04:16,894
Now, if you could all turn
your attention to the screen,
127
00:04:16,978 --> 00:04:18,830
I put together a little retrospective.
128
00:04:18,914 --> 00:04:19,931
[Guests murmur]
129
00:04:20,015 --> 00:04:23,234
["Simply the Best" plays]
130
00:04:23,318 --> 00:04:25,536
♪ You're simply the best ♪
131
00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:28,239
♪
132
00:04:28,323 --> 00:04:31,409
♪ Better than all the rest ♪
133
00:04:31,493 --> 00:04:32,744
♪
134
00:04:32,828 --> 00:04:36,614
♪ Better than anyone ♪
135
00:04:36,698 --> 00:04:38,783
♪ Anyone I ever met ♪
136
00:04:38,867 --> 00:04:41,452
♪ You're simply the best ♪
137
00:04:41,536 --> 00:04:43,169
[Applause]
138
00:04:43,905 --> 00:04:46,257
I had to imagine myself
while I was singing that
139
00:04:46,341 --> 00:04:47,658
for it to feel real.
140
00:04:47,742 --> 00:04:51,529
Uh, Ma, you simply are the best.
141
00:04:51,613 --> 00:04:54,514
Uh, and now that
you're retiring from, uh...
142
00:04:55,584 --> 00:04:56,834
Uh...
143
00:04:56,918 --> 00:04:58,069
y-you'll have time
144
00:04:58,153 --> 00:05:00,972
to, uh, make new memories
with all of us.
145
00:05:01,056 --> 00:05:02,255
[Guests agreeing]
146
00:05:03,825 --> 00:05:05,877
Um, now, is there anything
you'd like to say to everyone?
147
00:05:05,961 --> 00:05:08,346
I love you all.
148
00:05:08,430 --> 00:05:11,048
Now I'm ready for my gift.
149
00:05:11,132 --> 00:05:13,084
♪
150
00:05:13,168 --> 00:05:15,019
Oh. Uh, well...
151
00:05:15,103 --> 00:05:16,804
[Laughs] Uh...
152
00:05:16,888 --> 00:05:18,456
The party is kind of the gift.
153
00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:20,191
Oh.
154
00:05:20,275 --> 00:05:22,727
Then it was not necessary.
155
00:05:22,811 --> 00:05:24,662
You should have just
bought me a hot tub.
156
00:05:24,746 --> 00:05:25,797
Um...
157
00:05:25,881 --> 00:05:28,332
I'm sorry this nice party
isn't enough for you,
158
00:05:28,416 --> 00:05:30,234
but a hot tub is just impractical.
159
00:05:30,318 --> 00:05:31,636
It's a big responsibility.
160
00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,305
Who'd wash it?
Who'd pay for its utility bills?
161
00:05:34,389 --> 00:05:36,941
Who'd, uh, take care of it
when we're out of town?
162
00:05:37,025 --> 00:05:39,177
Uh, maybe we start you with a foot bath.
163
00:05:39,261 --> 00:05:41,779
Maybe you start me with a hot tub.
164
00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:43,247
♪
165
00:05:43,331 --> 00:05:45,650
Trent, the room is dying.
Give me "Rolling on the River."
166
00:05:45,734 --> 00:05:47,084
It's called "Proud Mary."
167
00:05:47,168 --> 00:05:49,053
And it's in D major, so good luck.
168
00:05:49,137 --> 00:05:53,458
♪
169
00:05:53,542 --> 00:05:55,893
I still can't believe
you told Marvin about Reggie.
170
00:05:55,977 --> 00:05:57,261
Hey, lay off!
171
00:05:57,345 --> 00:05:59,464
I didn't even want
anything to do with "Reggie."
172
00:05:59,548 --> 00:06:01,265
It was your guys' idea,
and you pressured me to go.
173
00:06:01,349 --> 00:06:02,366
Really?
174
00:06:02,450 --> 00:06:04,502
So, you didn't want to cut piano class,
175
00:06:04,586 --> 00:06:07,205
drive across state lines
to meet Reginald VelJohnson,
176
00:06:07,289 --> 00:06:08,473
AKA Carl Winslow,
177
00:06:08,557 --> 00:06:10,808
read his memoir at
the Georgia Tech Student Union?
178
00:06:10,892 --> 00:06:12,210
Please!
179
00:06:12,294 --> 00:06:15,413
Guys, it doesn't matter who's
to blame. We're all guilty.
180
00:06:15,497 --> 00:06:18,482
Well, Evan ratted on us,
so he should take the heat
181
00:06:18,566 --> 00:06:20,718
and tell Mom and Dad
he did it by himself.
182
00:06:20,802 --> 00:06:22,220
Whoa, whoa! That's crazy!
183
00:06:22,304 --> 00:06:24,455
We don't even know
if I told him anything.
184
00:06:24,539 --> 00:06:27,058
Why don't we just ask Marvin
if he knows?
185
00:06:27,142 --> 00:06:28,960
Dummy, if he didn't know,
186
00:06:29,044 --> 00:06:30,910
we'd be telling him our secret
by asking.
187
00:06:31,780 --> 00:06:34,065
Public schools are failing our children.
188
00:06:34,149 --> 00:06:36,133
The only way to make sure
Marvin stays quiet
189
00:06:36,217 --> 00:06:38,536
is to find out a secret
about him to use against him.
190
00:06:38,620 --> 00:06:40,905
Shut those loose lips with leverage.
191
00:06:40,989 --> 00:06:42,540
If anyone knows a secret about Marvin,
192
00:06:42,624 --> 00:06:44,308
it's got to be his old Navy buddy.
193
00:06:44,392 --> 00:06:47,111
♪
194
00:06:47,195 --> 00:06:49,313
This is a punch card for Chubby Burger.
195
00:06:49,397 --> 00:06:50,348
Oh, whoops.
196
00:06:50,432 --> 00:06:52,383
I'm so close to a free egg. [Chuckles]
197
00:06:52,467 --> 00:06:54,852
♪
198
00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:57,154
[Grunts] This cuff link!
Why won't it come out?!
199
00:06:57,238 --> 00:06:59,590
Louis, you know you shouldn't
undress when you're upset.
200
00:06:59,674 --> 00:07:01,092
Remember when you tore your pants
201
00:07:01,176 --> 00:07:03,094
after watching
"Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo"?
202
00:07:03,178 --> 00:07:04,762
Why is Schneider wasting our time?
203
00:07:04,846 --> 00:07:07,298
Just make the movie version
of the "Makin' Copies" guy!
204
00:07:07,382 --> 00:07:08,299
[Sighs]
205
00:07:08,383 --> 00:07:09,667
I just can't believe my mom tonight.
206
00:07:09,751 --> 00:07:11,502
Louis, so she didn't like your party.
207
00:07:11,586 --> 00:07:12,937
Why are you so upset?
208
00:07:13,021 --> 00:07:15,406
It's not just tonight.
She does this all the time.
209
00:07:15,490 --> 00:07:17,708
I do everything for her,
but do I ever get a thank-you?
210
00:07:17,792 --> 00:07:19,176
One thank-you?
211
00:07:19,260 --> 00:07:20,811
How can she be so ungrateful?
212
00:07:20,895 --> 00:07:22,413
It's frustrating. I know.
213
00:07:22,497 --> 00:07:24,715
Mother-son relationships
are complicated.
214
00:07:24,799 --> 00:07:26,450
Remember last week with Evan?
215
00:07:26,534 --> 00:07:30,021
I just bought this soy milk,
and you leave it out to spoil?
216
00:07:30,105 --> 00:07:31,022
I'm sorry, Mommy.
217
00:07:31,106 --> 00:07:32,290
[Door opens]
218
00:07:32,374 --> 00:07:33,991
I know we have car insurance,
219
00:07:34,075 --> 00:07:37,377
but do we have
mailbox and tree insurance?
220
00:07:38,413 --> 00:07:40,431
It's all about perspective.
221
00:07:40,515 --> 00:07:42,633
Compared to perfection, Evan messed up.
222
00:07:42,717 --> 00:07:44,769
Compared to Eddie, Evan is a saint.
223
00:07:44,853 --> 00:07:46,904
Wait. That's it.
224
00:07:46,988 --> 00:07:49,022
My mom has her own Eddie.
225
00:07:50,959 --> 00:07:52,610
Gene!
226
00:07:52,694 --> 00:07:54,512
I'll invite my jackass brother
over to visit,
227
00:07:54,596 --> 00:07:55,880
and he'll annoy Mom so much,
228
00:07:55,964 --> 00:07:57,315
she'll see how good she has it with me!
229
00:07:57,399 --> 00:07:58,449
No, Louis!
230
00:07:58,533 --> 00:07:59,717
His voice is too loud
231
00:07:59,801 --> 00:08:01,552
and his clothes are too colorful.
232
00:08:01,636 --> 00:08:03,387
And his cologne.
He's tough on all the senses.
233
00:08:03,471 --> 00:08:05,856
Exactly. I'll tell him Mom's
retiring, and he'll rush out here.
234
00:08:05,940 --> 00:08:07,391
[Sighs] Oh, God.
235
00:08:07,475 --> 00:08:10,061
Hurricane Gene is coming to Orlando.
236
00:08:10,145 --> 00:08:11,611
[Doorbell rings]
237
00:08:13,415 --> 00:08:14,865
♪
238
00:08:14,949 --> 00:08:16,500
Hello, brother.
239
00:08:16,584 --> 00:08:20,838
♪
240
00:08:20,922 --> 00:08:23,441
Your face is like a sunrise in my heart.
241
00:08:23,525 --> 00:08:26,893
♪
242
00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:30,842
[Slurping]
243
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:32,144
♪
244
00:08:32,228 --> 00:08:34,829
Each leaf in this tea has a story.
245
00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:39,702
Gene, you seem a little different.
246
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:41,487
Not just seem.
247
00:08:41,571 --> 00:08:43,256
I am.
248
00:08:43,340 --> 00:08:45,191
You see, I had a near-death experience.
249
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,193
Oh, no! What happened?
250
00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:49,095
I was at the Singapore zoo.
251
00:08:49,179 --> 00:08:52,832
I climbed on the railings
to make faces at the lions.
252
00:08:52,916 --> 00:08:54,033
Then I fell in the pit.
253
00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:57,737
- What?!
- As that lioness was clawing my chest,
254
00:08:57,821 --> 00:08:59,839
I realized life is precious
255
00:08:59,923 --> 00:09:01,841
and we must value every moment
256
00:09:01,925 --> 00:09:03,409
while we have on this Earth.
257
00:09:03,493 --> 00:09:05,077
[Whispering] He's not a hurricane.
258
00:09:05,161 --> 00:09:07,079
He's a warm breeze on a hot summer day.
259
00:09:07,163 --> 00:09:08,681
[Whispering] This is great.
260
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:10,783
This new Gene
is more annoying than ever.
261
00:09:10,867 --> 00:09:13,486
So, Gene, you came here
for my retirement.
262
00:09:13,570 --> 00:09:15,021
Did you bring me a gift?
263
00:09:15,105 --> 00:09:16,004
I did, Mother.
264
00:09:17,107 --> 00:09:19,158
I brought you a deep hug of gratitude.
265
00:09:19,242 --> 00:09:21,894
O-O-Oh, no... no... No, thank you.
266
00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:24,931
Does anybody know
how to give a gift anymore?
267
00:09:25,015 --> 00:09:27,700
♪
268
00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:29,201
What's wrong with our mother?
269
00:09:29,285 --> 00:09:30,736
Well, you may not realize this,
270
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:32,605
because you visit once every 10 years,
271
00:09:32,689 --> 00:09:34,640
but our aging mother can be difficult.
272
00:09:34,724 --> 00:09:36,309
JESSICA: She's been like this
all the time,
273
00:09:36,393 --> 00:09:38,578
and it's been "Steady Louis"
taking care of everything
274
00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:39,946
while you've been in Taiwan.
275
00:09:40,030 --> 00:09:41,480
You're right. I haven't been here.
276
00:09:41,564 --> 00:09:44,617
But now it's my turn
to share the load with Mom.
277
00:09:44,701 --> 00:09:46,419
Suddenly you care
about doing your share?
278
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:47,787
I do.
279
00:09:47,871 --> 00:09:49,622
[Laughs] Okay, sure.
280
00:09:49,706 --> 00:09:52,692
Uh, well, Mom has
a full plate of errands today
281
00:09:52,776 --> 00:09:54,026
that I'd help her with,
282
00:09:54,110 --> 00:09:56,596
but, um, why don't you go ahead
and take over for me?
283
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,271
Oh, I'd love to. It'd be great fun.
284
00:09:59,355 --> 00:10:01,240
Right. That's our mom... A pleasure.
285
00:10:01,324 --> 00:10:05,378
[Laughing]
286
00:10:05,462 --> 00:10:06,779
You.
287
00:10:06,863 --> 00:10:09,548
Just... you.
288
00:10:09,632 --> 00:10:11,484
♪
289
00:10:11,568 --> 00:10:12,852
EDDIE: So, Clyde, we're here because
290
00:10:12,936 --> 00:10:15,454
we were thinking of doing
a retirement roast for Marvin.
291
00:10:15,538 --> 00:10:16,956
Ohh!
292
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,025
We need some funny stories
of him when he was younger.
293
00:10:19,109 --> 00:10:20,192
[Laughs]
294
00:10:20,276 --> 00:10:22,328
Well, funny stories and Ol' Marv
go hand in hand,
295
00:10:22,412 --> 00:10:24,697
like, uh... Like plums and hot sauce.
296
00:10:24,781 --> 00:10:27,800
In '68, Marv and I
were driving across country,
297
00:10:27,884 --> 00:10:31,003
took a stop in New Orleans,
met some swamp ladies.
298
00:10:31,087 --> 00:10:33,354
Well, we had a few drinks and...
299
00:10:34,524 --> 00:10:36,375
I can't finish this story.
300
00:10:36,459 --> 00:10:37,743
[Sighs]
301
00:10:37,827 --> 00:10:40,980
Okay, how about a story
from when you were in the Navy?
302
00:10:41,064 --> 00:10:42,748
Once, we stopped this mysterious boat
303
00:10:42,832 --> 00:10:44,550
that had crossed into American waters.
304
00:10:44,634 --> 00:10:46,819
Marv and I kicked down
the doors to the bridge,
305
00:10:46,903 --> 00:10:50,322
and we were confronted
by these... these two...
306
00:10:50,406 --> 00:10:51,691
sea ladies.
307
00:10:51,775 --> 00:10:54,008
So, we had a few drinks and...
308
00:10:56,246 --> 00:10:57,463
I can't finish this story, either.
309
00:10:57,547 --> 00:10:59,231
Well, are there any stories
you can tell us
310
00:10:59,315 --> 00:11:00,615
without drinks or ladies?
311
00:11:02,118 --> 00:11:03,102
Here it is, boys.
312
00:11:03,186 --> 00:11:04,670
Marvin?
313
00:11:04,754 --> 00:11:07,273
Marvin is my best buddy.
We're like brothers.
314
00:11:07,357 --> 00:11:10,476
And brothers don't talk out
of school about their secrets.
315
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:11,777
I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.
316
00:11:11,861 --> 00:11:13,979
I got to go, uh, fire up the magnet.
317
00:11:14,063 --> 00:11:15,981
♪
318
00:11:16,065 --> 00:11:17,116
Move some cars.
319
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,485
Come on.
320
00:11:19,569 --> 00:11:20,820
Yeah, come on. [Chuckles]
321
00:11:20,904 --> 00:11:23,055
♪
322
00:11:23,139 --> 00:11:25,891
Gene and Mom have been
doing errands for a long time.
323
00:11:25,975 --> 00:11:26,859
That's a good thing.
324
00:11:26,943 --> 00:11:28,527
They probably got in a fight
at the salon
325
00:11:28,611 --> 00:11:29,795
and one of them is arrested.
326
00:11:29,879 --> 00:11:30,711
Or dead.
327
00:11:32,582 --> 00:11:33,466
Damn it.
328
00:11:33,550 --> 00:11:34,633
GENE: Hey!
329
00:11:34,717 --> 00:11:36,535
Sorry to take so long.
330
00:11:36,619 --> 00:11:38,604
Her nail guy is very chatty,
331
00:11:38,688 --> 00:11:41,240
and I loved every minute of it.
332
00:11:41,324 --> 00:11:42,541
I believe in him.
333
00:11:42,625 --> 00:11:44,944
I think he has designed
a better energy drink.
334
00:11:45,028 --> 00:11:46,879
The trick is getting it into stores.
335
00:11:46,963 --> 00:11:49,063
Anyway, Ma,
I'm gonna get you some water.
336
00:11:49,148 --> 00:11:50,751
_
337
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:53,671
_
338
00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:55,755
_
339
00:11:56,838 --> 00:11:58,257
You don't?
340
00:11:58,341 --> 00:11:59,907
That's never crossed my mind at all.
341
00:11:59,991 --> 00:12:05,808
_
342
00:12:06,086 --> 00:12:07,499
_
343
00:12:07,584 --> 00:12:10,230
Uh, that means so much, Ma.
344
00:12:10,314 --> 00:12:11,137
Thanks.
345
00:12:11,221 --> 00:12:13,539
♪
346
00:12:13,623 --> 00:12:14,907
Wow.
347
00:12:14,991 --> 00:12:17,643
This new, extra-annoying Gene
totally did the trick.
348
00:12:17,727 --> 00:12:19,678
She's never treated you like that.
349
00:12:19,762 --> 00:12:20,713
I know.
350
00:12:20,797 --> 00:12:22,381
I'm pretty emotional
on the inside right now,
351
00:12:22,465 --> 00:12:23,883
but I don't want to cry in front of you.
352
00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:26,400
Don't. Bottle it up
and save it for the shower.
353
00:12:27,403 --> 00:12:29,255
Wasn't that amazing?
354
00:12:29,339 --> 00:12:30,723
Um, what are you talking about?
355
00:12:30,807 --> 00:12:31,857
When I arrived,
356
00:12:31,941 --> 00:12:34,994
I sensed there was tension
between you and Mom.
357
00:12:35,078 --> 00:12:36,695
You glowed with resentment.
358
00:12:36,779 --> 00:12:38,297
So I talked to her about it,
359
00:12:38,381 --> 00:12:40,933
and I got her to empathize
with the burden you feel.
360
00:12:41,017 --> 00:12:43,335
You're saying you somehow got our mother
361
00:12:43,419 --> 00:12:44,703
to feel empathy for me?
362
00:12:44,787 --> 00:12:47,373
The woman who thinks Lex Luthor
is the hero of "Superman"?
363
00:12:47,457 --> 00:12:48,641
I did.
364
00:12:48,725 --> 00:12:50,976
Well, I don't know what to say.
365
00:12:51,060 --> 00:12:52,578
I appreciate you doing that.
366
00:12:52,662 --> 00:12:55,080
Look, I couldn't have fallen in
that lion pit and changed my life
367
00:12:55,164 --> 00:12:56,949
if you weren't here taking care of Mom,
368
00:12:57,033 --> 00:12:58,918
so it was...
It was the least I could do.
369
00:12:59,002 --> 00:13:00,085
[Pats leg]
370
00:13:00,169 --> 00:13:01,687
Thanks, Gene.
371
00:13:01,771 --> 00:13:02,888
[Electricity crackles]
372
00:13:02,972 --> 00:13:05,124
Whoo! She's firing up the jets!
373
00:13:05,208 --> 00:13:06,125
[Laughs]
374
00:13:06,209 --> 00:13:07,775
Jets?
375
00:13:08,778 --> 00:13:10,262
Isn't she beautiful?
376
00:13:10,346 --> 00:13:12,264
Same-day delivery.
377
00:13:12,348 --> 00:13:14,033
You bought her a hot tub?
378
00:13:14,117 --> 00:13:15,534
I taught her to value you more,
379
00:13:15,618 --> 00:13:18,470
and as a reward for learning her lesson,
380
00:13:18,554 --> 00:13:19,738
I got her a gift.
381
00:13:19,822 --> 00:13:21,841
So you didn't teach her anything.
382
00:13:21,925 --> 00:13:23,676
You just bought her off!
383
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:27,020
♪
384
00:13:27,104 --> 00:13:29,849
Oh, yes, I remember
the day you came in well.
385
00:13:29,933 --> 00:13:31,650
You were a real Chatty Cathy.
386
00:13:31,734 --> 00:13:32,800
Nice job, bro.
387
00:13:32,884 --> 00:13:34,086
What did I say, exactly?
388
00:13:34,170 --> 00:13:36,689
Well, it wasn't so much what you said.
389
00:13:36,773 --> 00:13:37,656
It's how you said it.
390
00:13:37,740 --> 00:13:39,291
Little secret.
391
00:13:39,375 --> 00:13:42,761
Your eyebrows look like birds.
392
00:13:42,845 --> 00:13:44,230
[Chuckles]
393
00:13:44,314 --> 00:13:46,565
So I wasn't making any sense?
394
00:13:46,649 --> 00:13:48,500
No, you just kept looking
at your reflection
395
00:13:48,584 --> 00:13:51,103
in my tiny mirror and saying,
"Peep these cheeks!"
396
00:13:51,187 --> 00:13:52,271
That's amazing!
397
00:13:52,355 --> 00:13:54,506
Oh, and you were the opposite of Evan
398
00:13:54,590 --> 00:13:55,741
when you were there.
399
00:13:55,825 --> 00:13:56,976
Come again, Queenie?
400
00:13:57,060 --> 00:14:01,347
This is a secret,
but I love Garth Brooks.
401
00:14:01,431 --> 00:14:04,817
And Shania impresses me very much.
402
00:14:04,901 --> 00:14:06,819
Oh, and me and my brothers
drove to Georgia
403
00:14:06,903 --> 00:14:09,555
to meet Reginald VelJohnson.
404
00:14:09,639 --> 00:14:11,724
It wasn't my fault! It was the gas!
405
00:14:11,808 --> 00:14:12,815
They gave me a man's dosage
406
00:14:12,899 --> 00:14:14,493
even though I'm still a little boy!
407
00:14:14,577 --> 00:14:17,263
Is Georgia beautiful?
I hear it's beautiful.
408
00:14:17,347 --> 00:14:23,085
♪
409
00:14:23,169 --> 00:14:25,371
I feel like we're in
a giant bowl of noodles.
410
00:14:25,455 --> 00:14:27,172
You ever wonder what it would be like
411
00:14:27,256 --> 00:14:29,808
if we spent our life as a noodle?
412
00:14:29,892 --> 00:14:31,377
That's enough, Gene.
413
00:14:31,461 --> 00:14:34,146
Okay, everybody out! This tub is
going back where it came from!
414
00:14:34,230 --> 00:14:36,181
Whoa, boss.
You said this is a job for two?
415
00:14:36,265 --> 00:14:37,182
I dunno.
416
00:14:37,266 --> 00:14:39,151
We're gonna drain it first.
417
00:14:39,235 --> 00:14:41,020
Jessica, what are you doing?
418
00:14:41,104 --> 00:14:42,288
Your mother said
419
00:14:42,372 --> 00:14:44,323
she'd take care of the tub
and pay the utilities,
420
00:14:44,407 --> 00:14:46,325
so why say no to a free hot tub?
421
00:14:46,409 --> 00:14:47,559
And you believe her?
422
00:14:47,643 --> 00:14:48,694
GENE: Don't worry.
423
00:14:48,778 --> 00:14:50,396
If Mom can't make payments,
424
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,598
then Steady Gene can handle it.
425
00:14:52,682 --> 00:14:54,500
[Scoffs] Steady Gene?
426
00:14:54,584 --> 00:14:55,601
Hilarious.
427
00:14:55,685 --> 00:14:57,202
Here's what's actually gonna happen.
428
00:14:57,286 --> 00:14:59,772
In about a week or two, Mom will
forget to pay the utilities,
429
00:14:59,856 --> 00:15:00,973
Gene will be long gone,
430
00:15:01,057 --> 00:15:03,042
and it'll all fall on me,
just like it always does.
431
00:15:03,126 --> 00:15:05,210
You have that little faith in me?
432
00:15:05,294 --> 00:15:08,013
The one thing I have faith in
is that you'll always screw up.
433
00:15:08,097 --> 00:15:10,716
I even brought you here to
screw up and make me look good,
434
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,351
and you somehow screwed that up, too.
435
00:15:12,435 --> 00:15:14,386
I'm not a screw-up anymore.
436
00:15:14,470 --> 00:15:16,088
I've changed.
437
00:15:16,172 --> 00:15:17,578
But clearly, you haven't.
438
00:15:17,662 --> 00:15:19,558
Once a martyr, always a martyr.
439
00:15:19,642 --> 00:15:22,328
♪
440
00:15:22,412 --> 00:15:25,030
I'm not ready to show
my lion scars to anyone.
441
00:15:25,114 --> 00:15:30,069
But my emotional scars
for being your brother?
442
00:15:30,153 --> 00:15:33,572
Well, that is right out there
for all to witness!
443
00:15:33,656 --> 00:15:37,309
♪
444
00:15:37,393 --> 00:15:38,510
Not to invite myself in,
445
00:15:38,594 --> 00:15:40,813
but have you ever seen
a redhead in a hot tub?
446
00:15:40,897 --> 00:15:42,414
It's like a lobster in a pot.
447
00:15:42,498 --> 00:15:44,398
It's sort of my party trick.
448
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,932
Gene's locked himself in our bedroom.
449
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:51,235
He says he's meditating,
but I can hear him crying.
450
00:15:51,319 --> 00:15:52,703
Why can't anything be easy?
451
00:15:52,787 --> 00:15:54,304
Can you believe this?
452
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:56,573
Gene was right. You're a martyr.
453
00:15:56,657 --> 00:15:57,975
What are you talking about?
454
00:15:58,059 --> 00:15:59,509
You got everything you wanted.
455
00:15:59,593 --> 00:16:01,144
A helpful Gene, a respectful Grandma,
456
00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,379
even a new hot tub.
457
00:16:02,463 --> 00:16:04,882
Yet you're still acting like
it's some kind of a burden.
458
00:16:04,966 --> 00:16:07,484
"I'm Louis. Woe is me. Poor me.
459
00:16:07,568 --> 00:16:09,720
I married totally out of my league."
460
00:16:09,804 --> 00:16:12,356
I guess I got so used to
fixing my family's problems
461
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,324
that I didn't believe
that they could change.
462
00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:16,226
Well, of course not.
You're terrible with change.
463
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:17,828
What do you mean?
464
00:16:17,912 --> 00:16:20,530
When Emery tried to quit
volleyball, you stalked him.
465
00:16:20,614 --> 00:16:23,133
When Eddie had to learn how
to drive, you pushed him so hard
466
00:16:23,217 --> 00:16:24,801
that he ran over a child on a scooter.
467
00:16:24,885 --> 00:16:27,070
When Gene arrived and your role
with Grandma changed,
468
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:28,071
here we are.
469
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:29,039
I could go on.
470
00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:30,374
No, no, I get it.
471
00:16:30,458 --> 00:16:31,675
It's hard for me.
472
00:16:31,759 --> 00:16:35,579
You see Marvin's stupid
new flagpole in his yard?
473
00:16:35,663 --> 00:16:36,813
That's you.
474
00:16:36,897 --> 00:16:38,582
The steady pole in the ground.
475
00:16:38,666 --> 00:16:41,184
Everyone else around you
is like the flag,
476
00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:43,553
changing direction as the wind shifts.
477
00:16:43,637 --> 00:16:44,521
But not you.
478
00:16:44,605 --> 00:16:46,290
You're keeping everything in place.
479
00:16:46,374 --> 00:16:47,624
But the pole gets no attention.
480
00:16:47,708 --> 00:16:50,260
We salute the flag but not the pole.
481
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:52,562
It might help you out
every once in a while
482
00:16:52,646 --> 00:16:53,679
if you were the flag.
483
00:16:54,682 --> 00:16:55,565
I think you're right.
484
00:16:55,649 --> 00:16:56,767
And beautiful metaphor.
485
00:16:56,851 --> 00:16:57,801
Thank you.
486
00:16:57,885 --> 00:17:00,070
You know, I hated that stupid flagpole,
487
00:17:00,154 --> 00:17:01,905
but suddenly, it's useful to me.
488
00:17:01,989 --> 00:17:03,140
Marvin's gonna blow
489
00:17:03,224 --> 00:17:06,610
when Grandma tries to
dry her panties on that thing.
490
00:17:06,694 --> 00:17:09,379
♪
491
00:17:09,463 --> 00:17:11,014
I'm sorry, guys.
492
00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:13,317
I just don't trust myself
to keep that secret.
493
00:17:13,401 --> 00:17:14,685
Please, Uncle Marvin?
494
00:17:14,769 --> 00:17:16,486
No way, José Canseco.
495
00:17:16,570 --> 00:17:18,255
I've spent the last 40 years
496
00:17:18,339 --> 00:17:19,823
talking to patients all day long,
497
00:17:19,907 --> 00:17:21,291
and now I've got no outlet.
498
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:22,392
And I'm a chatterbox.
499
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:23,860
I mean, the minute I run into somebody,
500
00:17:23,944 --> 00:17:25,929
I start chattering... Like a box.
501
00:17:26,013 --> 00:17:26,997
But you're a Navy man.
502
00:17:27,081 --> 00:17:28,532
Shouldn't you be able
to control yourself?
503
00:17:28,616 --> 00:17:32,769
Hey, us Navy guys are in control
on the ocean.
504
00:17:32,853 --> 00:17:34,237
But we're on land, little buddies.
505
00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:35,672
All bets are off.
506
00:17:35,756 --> 00:17:37,174
Sea legs, land lips.
507
00:17:37,258 --> 00:17:38,942
[Sighs]
508
00:17:39,026 --> 00:17:41,011
Oh, by the way, Queenie says "Hi."
509
00:17:41,095 --> 00:17:41,945
Wait.
510
00:17:42,029 --> 00:17:43,295
You talked to Queenie?
511
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:45,248
Is that a threat?
512
00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,483
D...
513
00:17:46,567 --> 00:17:48,185
Did she tell you about...
514
00:17:48,269 --> 00:17:49,186
Angela?
515
00:17:49,270 --> 00:17:50,187
♪
516
00:17:50,271 --> 00:17:51,203
Angela?
517
00:17:52,606 --> 00:17:54,725
You don't know about Angela, do you?
518
00:17:54,809 --> 00:17:56,293
No. But now we do.
519
00:17:56,377 --> 00:17:58,562
Just the lip leverage
we were looking for.
520
00:17:58,646 --> 00:18:00,330
How could you do this to Honey?
521
00:18:00,414 --> 00:18:01,331
Who is she?
522
00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:03,934
No, Angela's the name of my boat.
523
00:18:04,018 --> 00:18:05,836
I've been keeping her a secret for years
524
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,271
because Honey thought that
a boat was a bad investment.
525
00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:10,607
But what about the boat
you got for retirement?
526
00:18:10,691 --> 00:18:12,109
Well, it's the same boat.
527
00:18:12,193 --> 00:18:13,710
I gave old Angela a wax job
528
00:18:13,794 --> 00:18:15,512
and then I pretended
that I bought a new one.
529
00:18:15,596 --> 00:18:16,480
[Chuckles]
530
00:18:16,564 --> 00:18:17,614
So please don't tell Honey.
531
00:18:17,698 --> 00:18:20,350
How about we'll keep your secret
if you keep ours?
532
00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:21,485
Yeah, that's a deal.
533
00:18:21,569 --> 00:18:22,953
We're brothers now,
534
00:18:23,037 --> 00:18:25,789
bound forever by our shared secrets.
535
00:18:25,873 --> 00:18:27,691
I might even throw in
a few weekend boat rides.
536
00:18:27,775 --> 00:18:29,326
My only rule...
537
00:18:29,410 --> 00:18:31,795
Never, ever touch the harpoon gun.
538
00:18:31,879 --> 00:18:34,131
It's for that seagull that stole my hat.
539
00:18:34,215 --> 00:18:35,948
♪
540
00:18:38,419 --> 00:18:39,936
LOUIS: Hey, brother.
541
00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:41,338
♪ Yeah ♪
542
00:18:41,422 --> 00:18:42,706
What are you doing?
543
00:18:42,790 --> 00:18:44,674
Trying to be more like you.
544
00:18:44,758 --> 00:18:45,776
Oh.
545
00:18:45,860 --> 00:18:47,444
Because Hurricane Gene
is the kind of guy
546
00:18:47,528 --> 00:18:48,845
to put a hot tub in a living room.
547
00:18:48,929 --> 00:18:49,813
"Clever."
548
00:18:49,897 --> 00:18:51,715
I'm trying to change, like you did.
549
00:18:51,799 --> 00:18:54,766
And the change I need is to be
a little more unpredictable.
550
00:18:55,736 --> 00:18:56,686
But the carpets...
551
00:18:56,770 --> 00:18:57,954
I'm extremely worried about the carpets,
552
00:18:58,038 --> 00:18:59,122
but I'm letting that go.
553
00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,257
Can you hop in?
554
00:19:00,341 --> 00:19:02,059
I have a lot of apologizing to do,
555
00:19:02,143 --> 00:19:04,394
and we do our best
brother-to-brother talks
556
00:19:04,478 --> 00:19:05,429
in hot water.
557
00:19:05,513 --> 00:19:08,046
Like in the hot springs with Dad.
558
00:19:08,983 --> 00:19:11,401
I'm, uh, sorry about earlier.
559
00:19:11,485 --> 00:19:15,305
When you took over my role
of helping Ma, I struggled.
560
00:19:15,389 --> 00:19:16,673
But I am thankful
561
00:19:16,757 --> 00:19:18,675
for you teaching her to appreciate me.
562
00:19:18,759 --> 00:19:21,978
Boy, our family
didn't make it easy on you.
563
00:19:22,062 --> 00:19:23,146
[Chuckles]
564
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:24,614
And Hurricane Gene
wasn't easy on anyone.
565
00:19:24,698 --> 00:19:26,249
You, my wife...
566
00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:28,351
Oh, I'm sure she's loving the new you.
567
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:29,686
Wouldn't know.
568
00:19:29,770 --> 00:19:31,421
She left me, Louis.
569
00:19:31,505 --> 00:19:32,422
What?!
570
00:19:32,506 --> 00:19:33,690
When did that happen?
571
00:19:33,774 --> 00:19:34,724
It was recently...
572
00:19:34,808 --> 00:19:36,793
Actually, it was over two years ago.
573
00:19:36,877 --> 00:19:40,397
But I was too ashamed
to talk about it to you or Mom.
574
00:19:40,481 --> 00:19:42,365
Wow. I'm so sorry, Gene.
575
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:43,200
It's okay.
576
00:19:43,284 --> 00:19:44,734
I'm actually better
577
00:19:44,818 --> 00:19:46,736
'cause it made me
look myself in the mirror
578
00:19:46,820 --> 00:19:48,605
and make some changes.
579
00:19:48,689 --> 00:19:50,941
Wait, so you didn't
fall into a lion pit?
580
00:19:51,025 --> 00:19:52,175
Oh, no, no, I did.
581
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:54,644
It was an unrelated incident.
I'm super clumsy.
582
00:19:54,728 --> 00:19:56,746
Seriously, just being here with you
583
00:19:56,830 --> 00:19:57,914
really made me feel better.
584
00:19:57,998 --> 00:20:00,150
I mean, it always does.
585
00:20:00,234 --> 00:20:02,552
I didn't come here
just for Mom's retirement.
586
00:20:02,636 --> 00:20:05,489
Well, you're welcome here anytime.
587
00:20:05,573 --> 00:20:06,990
♪
588
00:20:07,074 --> 00:20:09,641
Actually, what is Mom retiring from?
589
00:20:10,711 --> 00:20:11,695
No idea.
590
00:20:11,779 --> 00:20:12,911
Okay.
591
00:20:14,250 --> 00:20:15,799
[Snoring]
592
00:20:15,884 --> 00:20:17,852
[Whispering] Okay, everybody's got it?
593
00:20:17,937 --> 00:20:20,022
Arms up.
594
00:20:20,106 --> 00:20:21,857
Five, six, seven, eight.
595
00:20:21,941 --> 00:20:27,363
♪
596
00:20:27,447 --> 00:20:32,868
♪
597
00:20:32,952 --> 00:20:34,652
[Snorts]
598
00:20:35,688 --> 00:20:38,907
[Snoring]
599
00:20:38,991 --> 00:20:48,283
♪
600
00:20:49,701 --> 00:20:57,701
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com