1
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Become, become strong!
2
00:00:51,735 --> 00:00:58,200
Become, become powerful!
3
00:04:54,508 --> 00:04:59,909
Well met, dear sauna!
4
00:06:18,149 --> 00:06:19,828
I remember when I was little,
5
00:06:19,909 --> 00:06:22,508
the children didn't go then
at the hairdresser,
6
00:06:22,628 --> 00:06:25,108
but from a lady who only used scissors.
7
00:06:25,188 --> 00:06:27,509
This lady sighed and asked:
8
00:06:27,589 --> 00:06:32,109
“Poor girl, how will you grow up?”
9
00:06:32,189 --> 00:06:37,789
"As a woman you have no hope,
crooked teeth, and you're too thin."
10
00:06:38,268 --> 00:06:42,229
"Under the eyes, the dark circles,
hair so thin."
11
00:06:44,469 --> 00:06:50,388
No one told me directly
that I was ugly, but it was implied.
12
00:06:50,469 --> 00:06:53,349
People were worried, that you weren't
capable of pleasing someone.
13
00:06:53,469 --> 00:06:55,029
Yes! That's right!
14
00:06:55,229 --> 00:06:59,628
My sister had long blonde hair,
and dad loved to say:
15
00:06:59,748 --> 00:07:02,388
“So cute, like something handmade.”
16
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Everyone admired her.
17
00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:07,668
In my case, however, people asked me
only, how was school going,
18
00:07:07,748 --> 00:07:09,709
and if I had good grades.
19
00:07:09,868 --> 00:07:13,149
That's all my relatives
they expected from me.
20
00:07:14,068 --> 00:07:17,909
I remember going to my mother and asking her:
21
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“Am I really not beautiful at all?”
22
00:07:22,469 --> 00:07:25,828
My mother, wanting to console me, said to me:
23
00:07:26,109 --> 00:07:30,109
"Well yes, but you are unique!"
24
00:07:32,388 --> 00:07:35,589
I became convinced too,
that I really wasn't beautiful.
25
00:07:35,868 --> 00:07:39,909
And with this certainty, it wasn't easy
for me, being in the female environment.
26
00:07:41,029 --> 00:07:47,308
It took me a long time,
before I started feeling beautiful.
27
00:07:47,628 --> 00:07:51,349
I think I was about forty,
when I started feeling beautiful.
28
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I think it was a hard blow,
for my mother,
29
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having a daughter... fat...
30
00:08:12,068 --> 00:08:18,149
Which he could never have become
a dancer.
31
00:08:19,229 --> 00:08:21,709
She herself had this dream,
to become a dancer.
32
00:08:21,789 --> 00:08:26,868
In this regard, I remember the compliment
more beautiful than my mother,
33
00:08:26,948 --> 00:08:29,469
that me, and also my sisters
we received,
34
00:08:29,549 --> 00:08:33,028
is when he said:
"Oh, you've gotten so skinny!"
35
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This was the best appreciation.
36
00:08:36,309 --> 00:08:40,349
When you hear this, then you say to yourself:
"Okay! I feel good now!"
37
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:46,229
The first memory I have of my mother,
it's her in front of a mirror,
38
00:08:46,309 --> 00:08:48,788
that one looks at, one observes.
39
00:08:49,628 --> 00:08:51,828
She lifted her clothes, turned around,
40
00:08:51,908 --> 00:08:54,349
she checked her butt, cellulite,
and any other part of the body,
41
00:08:54,429 --> 00:08:57,949
and she was not satisfied with herself.
42
00:08:58,949 --> 00:09:04,709
Her dream was to increase her breasts,
so that all men would desire it.
43
00:09:04,829 --> 00:09:08,628
For her, the main thing for a woman,
it was to attract men.
44
00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:11,388
This made a woman for her,
a precious woman.
45
00:09:12,388 --> 00:09:16,069
The only beautiful thing about my body,
ever since it began to grow,
46
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:21,109
it was the fact that I had nice breasts.
Then my mother was happy.
47
00:09:23,949 --> 00:09:26,989
My sister was five years older than me.
48
00:09:27,069 --> 00:09:31,788
It developed faster.
She had big tits.
49
00:09:32,668 --> 00:09:36,829
I was still waiting
that my breasts started to grow.
50
00:09:36,949 --> 00:09:40,788
I remember riding a bicycle,
and I put the apples under my shirt...
51
00:09:40,868 --> 00:09:44,589
they looked like they were jumping!
52
00:10:09,349 --> 00:10:11,989
- Is it very stable?
- Yes.
53
00:11:09,829 --> 00:11:11,429
Socks on your hands!
54
00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:31,109
Beat the birch on my neck,
55
00:11:33,589 --> 00:11:35,748
and on the shoulders.
56
00:11:53,148 --> 00:11:57,229
I knew from movies that hair could fall out.
57
00:11:57,949 --> 00:12:01,189
But I never would have thought,
that all the hair on the body would fall out.
58
00:12:03,829 --> 00:12:07,109
I went to the bathroom and my panties
they were full of hair.
59
00:12:07,229 --> 00:12:09,908
Then I remembered,
that two weeks had passed,
60
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and my hair too,
they could have separated.
61
00:12:11,829 --> 00:12:13,989
So I pulled my hair,
and in fact they came away.
62
00:12:14,189 --> 00:12:16,309
One strand after another...
63
00:12:16,548 --> 00:12:18,308
- Is it enough that you just throw them?
- Yes.
64
00:12:18,388 --> 00:12:22,548
I was sitting in front of the oven,
I took them and put them in the oven.
65
00:12:23,668 --> 00:12:28,148
This made me rethink a lot
to life.
66
00:12:28,788 --> 00:12:32,028
I don't think I was worried,
not even for a second.
67
00:12:32,109 --> 00:12:34,788
I just felt very tired.
68
00:12:35,508 --> 00:12:38,229
I thought I just needed a vacation.
69
00:12:38,388 --> 00:12:41,309
I just had a little ripple here.
70
00:12:41,949 --> 00:12:45,829
I thought:
"I'll give myself a Christmas present,"
71
00:12:45,909 --> 00:12:48,069
"and I'll go for a medical check-up."
72
00:12:48,589 --> 00:12:51,148
It turned out...
73
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that I had breast cancer.
74
00:12:54,229 --> 00:12:56,989
My first reaction was,
75
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probably, the fear of death,
everything inside you freezes.
76
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:05,748
For about two or three days,
77
00:13:06,309 --> 00:13:09,148
I didn't even go to the bathroom.
I didn't eat.
78
00:13:09,229 --> 00:13:13,589
I was canceling Christmas parties
and other planned things.
79
00:13:14,349 --> 00:13:19,709
Then I understood, that this fear of death,
it was killing me.
80
00:13:21,429 --> 00:13:24,429
I invited a friend to visit me.
81
00:13:25,148 --> 00:13:31,908
I was crying, talking and complaining
of death, with my friend,
82
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and then I get a phone call.
83
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,388
I was invited on a date.
84
00:13:38,868 --> 00:13:44,668
It was a truly absurd situation.
I was getting ready to die and...
85
00:13:45,028 --> 00:13:47,908
I laughed, and that laugh,
it freed me from fear.
86
00:13:47,989 --> 00:13:52,069
I realized I wasn't dead yet,
so why despair and cry?
87
00:13:52,469 --> 00:13:54,868
And so I decided to start living.
88
00:13:55,148 --> 00:13:59,189
The first thing I did was
to reconsider the various invitations to Christmas celebrations.
89
00:13:59,469 --> 00:14:01,508
I would have gone to all the parties.
90
00:14:01,788 --> 00:14:05,349
The next day, the man on the phone call,
he left a message, apologizing.
91
00:14:05,429 --> 00:14:08,668
I probably wasn't the only one,
that evening, to whom he made that invitation.
92
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,628
He said he was drunk.
93
00:14:10,788 --> 00:14:13,588
I called him back and told him:
"I don't know what the other women thought,"
94
00:14:13,668 --> 00:14:15,868
"but I will be grateful to you for the rest of my life!"
95
00:14:26,028 --> 00:14:29,989
These things are known to happen to people,
96
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:34,229
but you never think that they can happen to you.
97
00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:38,828
I no longer have a uterus.
98
00:14:38,908 --> 00:14:42,589
I no longer have one of my ovaries,
and also a part of my breast.
99
00:14:43,109 --> 00:14:46,309
I had several organs removed.
100
00:14:46,949 --> 00:14:51,908
But when I did this last operation,
I heard that...
101
00:14:52,709 --> 00:14:55,868
...the soul cannot be cut away.
102
00:15:17,989 --> 00:15:20,148
Oh! Well done!
103
00:15:21,748 --> 00:15:25,229
Do it one more time,
so it will break well.
104
00:17:04,308 --> 00:17:07,709
The "smoke sauna" is a sacred place,
where you purify yourself.
105
00:17:07,949 --> 00:17:10,949
When you wash yourself, it is a blessing.
106
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You can wash off all the dirt.
107
00:17:14,828 --> 00:17:17,588
Thanks to the person who heats the sauna.
108
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:20,189
And also the person who brings the water.
109
00:17:20,828 --> 00:17:22,949
In the smoke sauna women gave birth.
110
00:17:23,108 --> 00:17:26,508
The smoke sauna was heated,
the mother was placed in a tub,
111
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:29,828
and at the moment of childbirth,
they made her get out of the tub.
112
00:17:29,909 --> 00:17:32,548
This made childbirth easier,
and not that painful.
113
00:17:32,709 --> 00:17:35,348
When a child was born,
he was the new master of the house.
114
00:17:35,709 --> 00:17:37,989
But when a daughter was born... oh...
115
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:39,989
The daughter was...
116
00:17:40,149 --> 00:17:43,989
Nobody said they wanted a daughter,
you almost always wanted a child.
117
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The sons worked,
118
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but the daughters had to be given in marriage,
with the related dowry.
119
00:18:21,108 --> 00:18:24,308
My relatives have now left me alone
with this topic,
120
00:18:24,429 --> 00:18:28,108
but for a while I thought
that I would invent someone.
121
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Just to get this topic out of the way
from the usual conversations.
122
00:18:31,629 --> 00:18:35,629
I actually have some very nice relatives...
but yeah, that opened my eyes.
123
00:18:35,709 --> 00:18:38,748
I thought that was the problem
that no one wanted me.
124
00:18:38,828 --> 00:18:42,228
And they thought I didn't want anyone,
although I had a wide choice.
125
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Then I started to look differently.
126
00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:48,228
Whether there are many fish in the sea, or few,
127
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it's actually all in your head.
128
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That's right.
129
00:18:51,669 --> 00:18:57,229
I'm not sure if this pressure,
comes more from society or from ourselves.
130
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For me it was also very important,
have some kind of companion.
131
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:05,669
Although, most of the time,
I didn't have one.
132
00:19:05,909 --> 00:19:10,149
Then I was married,
and there was good and bad.
133
00:19:10,389 --> 00:19:11,989
But...
134
00:19:13,989 --> 00:19:15,909
I was over 30,
135
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when I accepted the fact,
that I was fine with being alone.
136
00:19:21,028 --> 00:19:25,188
And then when I went
to some family events...
137
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funerals or something like that...
138
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tension all the time
continued to grow,
139
00:19:30,949 --> 00:19:34,788
because I realized that I already had
34, 35 years old.
140
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My parents don't even ask me anymore,
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they have lost all hope.
142
00:19:40,348 --> 00:19:43,508
They probably wanted grandchildren,
but they didn't arrive...
143
00:19:43,629 --> 00:19:47,748
and continuously the pressure,
it grew and grew and grew.
144
00:19:48,149 --> 00:19:52,629
I remember a particularly funny moment
at a funeral.
145
00:19:52,949 --> 00:19:56,189
During that time I had a partner.
146
00:19:56,589 --> 00:19:59,468
He wasn't with me at the funeral,
but at least I could say,
147
00:19:59,548 --> 00:20:02,028
that I had a man with a 12 year old child.
148
00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:05,909
One of my relatives said:
149
00:20:06,068 --> 00:20:08,389
“At least it's something!”
150
00:20:16,989 --> 00:20:18,508
Warm water...
151
00:20:25,068 --> 00:20:27,189
You can drink it too, do you want?
152
00:20:27,629 --> 00:20:29,108
Yes.
153
00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:38,869
I recently went to a wedding,
and someone proposed the game "Dick-Pic",
154
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That is, to the woman who collects
the bride's bouquet,
155
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all male guests must submit
the photo of their dick.
156
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So he can choose between those photos?
157
00:20:55,149 --> 00:20:57,108
I don't remember how we got to that game.
158
00:20:57,709 --> 00:20:59,508
Do you know what just happened to me?
159
00:20:59,629 --> 00:21:01,989
I thought "Dick-Pic" was a new App!
160
00:21:05,788 --> 00:21:07,709
I didn't understand right away.
161
00:21:10,909 --> 00:21:14,149
I've never received "Dick-Pic" type photos.
162
00:21:14,348 --> 00:21:17,068
How does it work?
163
00:21:17,348 --> 00:21:21,669
What exactly do they photograph?
164
00:21:22,028 --> 00:21:25,508
My friend did it,
and it was really terrible.
165
00:21:25,629 --> 00:21:27,949
This is a Tinder thing.
166
00:21:28,068 --> 00:21:31,189
A boy starts talking to you,
167
00:21:31,348 --> 00:21:34,748
and then suddenly it comes to you
a photo of his cock!
168
00:21:34,869 --> 00:21:37,348
It's a real shock!
169
00:21:40,869 --> 00:21:43,748
I would never imagine being on Tinder,
170
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I chat and then suddenly,
I send a photo of the pussy.
171
00:21:47,748 --> 00:21:50,268
Maybe it would be fun.
But I can't imagine it either.
172
00:21:51,469 --> 00:21:56,389
I had a partner who in the middle of sex,
173
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decided to invent a role-playing game,
which he said was "interesting".
174
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Before entering me,
175
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he said:
"Ask me!".
176
00:22:09,149 --> 00:22:10,629
Indeed:
"Beg for it!"
177
00:22:10,989 --> 00:22:14,429
And then I had to say...
178
00:22:15,068 --> 00:22:18,828
I don't remember the exact phrase now,
179
00:22:18,909 --> 00:22:21,989
but basically, something like:
"Can I have your penis, please?..."
180
00:22:22,949 --> 00:22:25,108
I asked him once, but...
181
00:22:26,548 --> 00:22:28,429
my mind is confused!
182
00:22:29,869 --> 00:22:35,348
And I used the imperative:
“Can I have the penis, please!”
183
00:22:35,469 --> 00:22:38,869
And he said:
“No, you have to ask nicely!”
184
00:22:39,389 --> 00:22:44,028
The desire to be wanted,
and to feel,
185
00:22:44,149 --> 00:22:48,348
that I wanted it so much,
until you beg for it.
186
00:22:48,429 --> 00:22:52,308
- What did you mean by kindness?
- Maybe it's the influence of porn films?
187
00:22:52,469 --> 00:22:57,469
Probably. But I was sure I asked,
with a delicate voice.
188
00:22:57,669 --> 00:22:59,429
“Can I have your penis, please?”
189
00:23:02,989 --> 00:23:05,308
It was all so surreal.
190
00:23:06,188 --> 00:23:08,988
I couldn't even get angry,
191
00:23:09,068 --> 00:23:13,308
because for me it was like...
a postcard that comes from another planet.
192
00:23:13,429 --> 00:23:16,949
Something like this had never happened to me.
193
00:27:26,028 --> 00:27:27,709
Did you tell your mother?
194
00:27:28,068 --> 00:27:29,469
Does she know?
195
00:27:29,629 --> 00:27:31,108
And your father?
196
00:27:31,189 --> 00:27:34,469
They discovered it this year.
Actually last year.
197
00:27:36,748 --> 00:27:38,508
Directly from me.
198
00:27:38,629 --> 00:27:41,469
Maybe they had guessed it,
but I'm not sure.
199
00:27:42,508 --> 00:27:44,068
Oh God! When did it happen?
200
00:27:44,149 --> 00:27:46,869
In 2009, almost ten years ago.
201
00:27:47,268 --> 00:27:50,828
I went to a swimming camp
three days.
202
00:27:50,949 --> 00:27:55,588
I stayed at a friend's house.
She was a dear friend of mine.
203
00:27:56,148 --> 00:27:59,468
I remember sitting on the couch...
204
00:27:59,548 --> 00:28:02,548
...and two other girls sat
on another sofa.
205
00:28:02,949 --> 00:28:06,028
And out of nowhere comes this feeling...
206
00:28:06,149 --> 00:28:09,348
The biggest storm I've ever felt,
it falls on me!
207
00:28:09,429 --> 00:28:12,108
Something never tried before!
208
00:28:12,189 --> 00:28:16,028
One hundred times more powerful than anything
I thought but that I could hear.
209
00:28:16,108 --> 00:28:18,629
And I know exactly
which was towards that person.
210
00:28:18,709 --> 00:28:23,308
And I know it was something that meant love,
and this shocked me.
211
00:28:23,469 --> 00:28:25,508
That evening I couldn't say a word anymore.
212
00:28:25,588 --> 00:28:27,708
I didn't tell anyone,
I didn't share it with anyone.
213
00:28:27,788 --> 00:28:30,068
And then I thought:
"Really? I like women now?"
214
00:28:30,149 --> 00:28:34,429
"Are you kidding?
Can life get any worse than it already is?”
215
00:28:34,709 --> 00:28:39,948
But at least now I understood,
because I didn't get along with any man.
216
00:28:40,028 --> 00:28:42,548
I realized I had to put an end to it
to the relationship I had!
217
00:28:42,989 --> 00:28:47,268
It took me three weeks,
to put an end to that relationship,
218
00:28:48,028 --> 00:28:51,788
with my partner at the time.
It was really hard to tell him.
219
00:28:52,308 --> 00:28:55,429
At that time I didn't know how to handle
something similar.
220
00:28:55,709 --> 00:28:58,469
I made up a reason...
221
00:28:58,588 --> 00:29:00,508
"Hey, you're a little too girly for me!"
222
00:29:00,588 --> 00:29:02,149
“It's just not working for me!”
223
00:29:02,229 --> 00:29:04,229
Something completely senseless.
224
00:29:04,548 --> 00:29:08,588
I guess it left him
a big scar.
225
00:29:08,709 --> 00:29:12,229
It wasn't nice, but I didn't know
how to tell him another way.
226
00:29:12,669 --> 00:29:15,909
Then I started the process of accepting
this new me.
227
00:29:16,028 --> 00:29:19,149
I started trying to find out
if that was really the case.
228
00:29:19,389 --> 00:29:21,508
It was a very complex process...
229
00:29:21,588 --> 00:29:23,909
Because the person, towards whom
I had those feelings...
230
00:29:23,989 --> 00:29:25,949
So one day, I told her
that I had those feelings,
231
00:29:26,068 --> 00:29:27,909
but that I didn't expect anything from her.
232
00:29:27,989 --> 00:29:29,828
I definitely didn't want anything from her.
233
00:29:29,949 --> 00:29:32,748
But I felt we couldn't
keep talking,
234
00:29:32,828 --> 00:29:34,988
before I could get this thing out of me.
235
00:29:35,068 --> 00:29:36,909
- And so you revealed the cards?
- Yes.
236
00:29:37,028 --> 00:29:41,068
And there was total abandonment.
237
00:29:41,708 --> 00:29:44,988
He said I was the most disgusting person
he had ever met.
238
00:29:45,068 --> 00:29:47,469
And that hurt.
This really hurt me.
239
00:29:47,588 --> 00:29:51,469
Something that was so natural to me,
that I was still learning about myself...
240
00:29:51,629 --> 00:29:53,989
And some say I'm disgusting.
241
00:29:54,189 --> 00:29:56,909
It was painful and it was a process…
242
00:29:57,508 --> 00:29:59,748
a rather long process.
243
00:30:00,868 --> 00:30:04,708
Last year I went home
of my parents and I thought:
244
00:30:04,788 --> 00:30:06,268
"Damn it! I'll tell him!"
245
00:30:06,348 --> 00:30:09,068
But it was somehow embarrassing,
I didn't feel like doing it.
246
00:30:09,149 --> 00:30:10,909
But then my partner,
247
00:30:10,989 --> 00:30:14,069
at night, for some reason,
he put flowers in front of the door!
248
00:30:14,149 --> 00:30:16,788
A large bouquet of flowers.
249
00:30:16,909 --> 00:30:19,669
In the morning I wake up and hear:
"Elsa, there are flowers!"
250
00:30:19,788 --> 00:30:24,469
Flowers? Was it a joke?
But I knew who brought them.
251
00:30:24,709 --> 00:30:27,386
Dad asked me:
"Oh! Do you have a boyfriend?"
252
00:30:28,129 --> 00:30:29,952
“Who sent you flowers?”
253
00:30:30,149 --> 00:30:34,268
I thought:
"Okay, I was given the chance..."
254
00:30:34,668 --> 00:30:37,428
I felt so uncomfortable there in the kitchen,
and I simply said:
255
00:30:37,508 --> 00:30:40,188
"Yes, well, very pretty flowers..."
256
00:30:40,268 --> 00:30:42,988
I went upstairs for a moment,
257
00:30:43,068 --> 00:30:45,788
and I thought:
“Why don't I take this opportunity?”
258
00:30:45,869 --> 00:30:49,068
I went back downstairs and said:
“Dad, did you ask who sent the flowers?”
259
00:30:49,149 --> 00:30:50,788
"Yes, I asked you"
260
00:30:50,908 --> 00:30:55,668
I said:
"Well, I got them from my partner: she's a woman."
261
00:30:55,748 --> 00:30:58,948
I don't remember exactly how,
but I said I was in a relationship with her.
262
00:30:59,028 --> 00:31:01,308
Dad turned away from the TV,
and looked at me.
263
00:31:01,389 --> 00:31:03,669
"What? Are you a lesbian?"
264
00:31:03,788 --> 00:31:08,709
I said, “Yeah, I don’t know.
I guess that's what they call us."
265
00:31:08,989 --> 00:31:12,948
He said "Ah", and went back to the TV,
and said nothing else.
266
00:31:13,028 --> 00:31:15,668
Then mom sat down on the couch,
and calmly said:
267
00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:17,869
“A human being is a human being!”
268
00:31:18,748 --> 00:31:20,308
And that's all.
269
00:31:21,348 --> 00:31:24,348
And in our family, this topic,
was not the subject of further discussion.
270
00:31:36,909 --> 00:31:39,869
Don't want to get your hair wet?
271
00:32:17,508 --> 00:32:21,828
Only the closest people knew
as if she were truly my mother.
272
00:32:21,949 --> 00:32:25,108
The others kept repeating
what a good woman she was.
273
00:32:26,388 --> 00:32:30,228
I guessed his mood,
by the way he closed the door.
274
00:32:30,308 --> 00:32:33,668
He was often in the right mood
or she was just tired.
275
00:32:33,748 --> 00:32:35,428
He had three children.
276
00:32:35,508 --> 00:32:40,229
The collapse of the Soviet Union...
Rationing times...
277
00:32:40,429 --> 00:32:43,308
After closing the door,
What kind of steps are approaching?
278
00:32:43,389 --> 00:32:47,108
"The dishes are still dirty!
What the hell are you doing at home?”
279
00:32:47,189 --> 00:32:49,149
When it was, it became scary.
280
00:32:49,588 --> 00:32:53,748
Once again she came home,
281
00:32:54,028 --> 00:32:57,548
and had decided where to go
picking blueberries.
282
00:32:57,629 --> 00:33:00,068
But my sister and I were both tired.
283
00:33:00,348 --> 00:33:03,629
I said:
"I don't want to go blueberry picking today."
284
00:33:03,748 --> 00:33:08,429
With a furious anger,
he threw the buckets into the yard.
285
00:33:08,869 --> 00:33:12,028
"Nothing is done here, everything is a..."
286
00:33:12,189 --> 00:33:18,548
At a certain point, I remember,
I ran out of the gate...
287
00:33:18,869 --> 00:33:24,028
...and she ran after me with a scythe,
trying to get me.
288
00:33:24,108 --> 00:33:28,469
I ran for my life,
while she chased me with the scythe.
289
00:33:28,989 --> 00:33:33,909
If I had stopped, he would have hurt my legs.
290
00:33:40,508 --> 00:33:44,308
You asked me if I would like it,
that my mother was still alive.
291
00:33:44,429 --> 00:33:46,629
When she died, just like when she was alive,
292
00:33:46,709 --> 00:33:48,229
I had mixed feelings.
293
00:33:48,348 --> 00:33:51,149
Sometimes I wish he would die.
294
00:33:51,229 --> 00:33:54,468
Other times I even thought
that I would have killed her,
295
00:33:54,548 --> 00:33:58,028
while sometimes I was afraid
that she was the one who killed me.
296
00:33:58,788 --> 00:34:03,308
It was scary. It was really scary.
297
00:34:04,469 --> 00:34:08,949
Yet he loved us very much,
he loved me very much.
298
00:34:09,228 --> 00:34:11,429
So he loved you?
299
00:34:17,068 --> 00:34:19,269
Love, yes, I...
300
00:34:19,508 --> 00:34:23,349
I felt he cared about us
as best he could.
301
00:34:23,588 --> 00:34:25,269
He was always apprehensive,
302
00:34:25,389 --> 00:34:28,429
his heart trembled for us,
he wondered if everything was okay between us.
303
00:34:28,708 --> 00:34:32,148
He always had to check and make sure
that we were fine.
304
00:34:33,148 --> 00:34:35,148
That we had everything.
305
00:34:35,428 --> 00:34:38,468
That we did things, the way she did
he thought they were right,
306
00:34:38,548 --> 00:34:40,789
because that way then,
everything was going as it should go.
307
00:34:41,228 --> 00:34:45,188
This was his way of taking care of us,
he didn't know any others.
308
00:34:45,309 --> 00:34:47,429
Only through total control.
309
00:34:48,469 --> 00:34:50,628
A real word like love,
it didn't exist in our family.
310
00:34:50,708 --> 00:34:54,879
If you were asking the meaning,
then dad immediately said:
311
00:34:55,388 --> 00:34:56,314
"What is it?"
312
00:34:57,059 --> 00:34:59,269
I replied that it is a curious animal.
313
00:35:00,148 --> 00:35:02,228
It is a species that is eaten.
314
00:35:04,508 --> 00:35:07,749
Estonians don't really want to talk about it.
315
00:35:07,869 --> 00:35:09,028
Yes.
316
00:35:11,068 --> 00:35:13,909
And if you then talk about hugging, caressing,
to be pampered?
317
00:35:13,989 --> 00:35:15,829
Ah! No, never, never!
318
00:35:15,909 --> 00:35:18,708
Once I was away from home
for almost five years.
319
00:35:18,789 --> 00:35:24,068
My return home was a surprise.
They didn't know.
320
00:35:24,469 --> 00:35:29,749
When I arrived by bicycle,
mom was at home. My dad doesn't.
321
00:35:29,869 --> 00:35:33,749
I entered from the corridor
and I peeked into the kitchen.
322
00:35:33,829 --> 00:35:35,749
Mom looks at me and says:
"Oh, you're home."
323
00:35:35,869 --> 00:35:40,068
And that's it. No hugs, no kisses, nothing.
324
00:35:40,268 --> 00:35:42,988
And no one asked me:
How was the trip?
325
00:35:43,068 --> 00:35:45,428
- Where did you go, what did you do?
- How are you?
326
00:35:45,508 --> 00:35:47,869
How are you? Do you have new friends?
327
00:35:47,989 --> 00:35:49,829
“Oh, you made time to come.”
328
00:35:49,909 --> 00:35:53,468
Yes, that's right!
"Oh, you found the time...".
329
00:35:53,548 --> 00:35:56,508
Yes, one of the first sentences is just...
330
00:35:56,628 --> 00:35:59,349
An hour later, dad came home,
331
00:35:59,429 --> 00:36:01,988
and addresses me with the same:
"Oh, you're home!"
332
00:36:02,068 --> 00:36:05,628
I asked if they had reached an agreement,
to greet me with the same phrase.
333
00:36:05,708 --> 00:36:08,389
Then luckily my brother arrived
and he asked me so many questions.
334
00:36:08,469 --> 00:36:10,628
I saw that my mother
he listened very carefully.
335
00:36:10,708 --> 00:36:13,188
My brother told me then she asked,
336
00:36:13,269 --> 00:36:15,068
all possible things about my trip.
337
00:36:15,148 --> 00:36:18,468
But he wouldn't show me that he did,
that she was interested in knowing.
338
00:36:18,548 --> 00:36:20,468
And I thought,
wow, that's sad.
339
00:36:20,548 --> 00:36:22,988
Because affection shouldn't be shown.
It is considered a weakness.
340
00:36:23,068 --> 00:36:24,068
Yes.
341
00:36:37,668 --> 00:36:40,108
You always had the courage to run away.
342
00:36:40,228 --> 00:36:42,829
You had the courage to do something else.
343
00:36:44,148 --> 00:36:47,749
This is something I admire so much about you,
344
00:36:47,909 --> 00:36:50,309
and that I have never dared to do.
345
00:37:13,068 --> 00:37:15,028
Yes, there were some hugs,
346
00:37:15,148 --> 00:37:18,028
with his hands around his neck,
and also kisses.
347
00:37:18,108 --> 00:37:20,628
Nothing more than a kiss was allowed.
348
00:37:22,588 --> 00:37:24,228
My mother told me:
349
00:37:24,349 --> 00:37:28,148
"You can sleep with a boy,
but you can't give yourself to him!"
350
00:37:28,789 --> 00:37:32,508
“Don't let the boy touch you
where it shouldn't!"
351
00:37:33,429 --> 00:37:38,708
If then a single girl had become pregnant,
it was a huge shame.
352
00:40:07,668 --> 00:40:09,668
In a certain sense,
353
00:40:09,829 --> 00:40:17,228
the Earth's ability to produce food,
it is a resource,
354
00:40:17,469 --> 00:40:21,269
but also the female body
it is seen as a resource.
355
00:40:22,389 --> 00:40:27,068
Women's ability to give birth,
it is seen as a resource.
356
00:40:27,389 --> 00:40:35,228
You think men should influence
on the decision to give birth or not?
357
00:40:35,749 --> 00:40:39,749
This decision should
only for women.
358
00:40:39,949 --> 00:40:45,588
What women want to do with their bodies,
it should only depend on them.
359
00:40:45,789 --> 00:40:48,548
No one else should have the right,
360
00:40:48,628 --> 00:40:54,028
whether to have children or not.
361
00:40:54,588 --> 00:40:58,228
- Have you ever had an abortion?
- Yes once.
362
00:40:59,269 --> 00:41:04,068
- How old were you?
- I was in my early twenties.
363
00:41:06,108 --> 00:41:08,588
I too had a miscarriage.
364
00:41:31,028 --> 00:41:33,028
It was like that.
365
00:41:33,349 --> 00:41:36,389
I really loved a boy.
366
00:41:38,349 --> 00:41:40,228
And then I got pregnant.
367
00:41:40,909 --> 00:41:44,869
I was so happy,
when I found out I was pregnant.
368
00:41:45,028 --> 00:41:47,628
I invited this guy to visit me.
369
00:41:48,389 --> 00:41:52,469
I thought it was good news,
370
00:41:53,989 --> 00:41:55,789
and so I told him.
371
00:41:57,548 --> 00:42:01,469
He was silent, and after a while he said...
372
00:42:01,588 --> 00:42:04,108
that he had to go drinking with his friends.
373
00:42:07,749 --> 00:42:09,508
And what...
374
00:42:12,869 --> 00:42:16,989
...that she didn't want the baby.
375
00:42:19,148 --> 00:42:23,668
And...if I gave birth, I had to face everything alone.
376
00:42:23,749 --> 00:42:26,108
She didn't even want to see him...
377
00:42:27,829 --> 00:42:32,028
I felt that inside me,
everything was broken.
378
00:42:34,909 --> 00:42:37,269
But I was too scared to give birth.
379
00:42:37,349 --> 00:42:41,789
I discovered that there was some kind of pill
which allowed abortion.
380
00:42:42,628 --> 00:42:44,389
It was located in Finland.
381
00:42:44,628 --> 00:42:49,628
A type of abortion was practiced in Estonia,
with an old method,
382
00:42:49,708 --> 00:42:54,068
which could cause them to become sterile.
I was afraid of it.
383
00:42:55,028 --> 00:42:59,028
And then I told my boyfriend,
384
00:42:59,309 --> 00:43:01,869
at least to pay the cost of the abortion.
385
00:43:06,508 --> 00:43:13,349
In a place in Helsinki,
there was another way.
386
00:43:16,989 --> 00:43:20,628
The man can give you money,
but you have to go alone.
387
00:43:20,789 --> 00:43:24,389
And then you sit alone on the toilet,
or in a doctor's office.
388
00:43:24,839 --> 00:43:27,869
I think a lot of men don't know
that their wives aborted this way.
389
00:43:27,949 --> 00:43:29,829
For sure...
390
00:43:30,708 --> 00:43:33,668
My mother had, for example...
391
00:43:35,068 --> 00:43:37,148
several miscarriages...
392
00:43:37,469 --> 00:43:40,708
But he's still ashamed,
he doesn't dare say it.
393
00:43:40,869 --> 00:43:42,949
I'm ashamed too.
394
00:44:14,309 --> 00:44:21,989
Oh dear traitorous husband!
395
00:44:22,469 --> 00:44:30,148
You deceived your mother and father-in-law!
396
00:44:30,469 --> 00:44:38,148
You deceived their young daughter!
397
00:44:38,548 --> 00:44:46,228
You promised to take her in a carriage!
398
00:44:46,949 --> 00:44:54,909
You promised to rock a cradle!
399
00:45:06,028 --> 00:45:11,628
I thought about the choices we have as women.
400
00:45:12,188 --> 00:45:15,988
My grandmother never said that,
401
00:45:16,068 --> 00:45:19,469
but I heard about it later.
402
00:45:21,389 --> 00:45:27,588
Very often she was beaten by her husband.
403
00:45:28,829 --> 00:45:33,668
From my grandfather, whom I never knew,
because he died first.
404
00:45:35,028 --> 00:45:42,829
He beat her by hitting her head
against the floor.
405
00:45:43,548 --> 00:45:48,469
Once he had broken ribs,
and was taken to hospital.
406
00:45:48,588 --> 00:45:50,949
So his mental health...
407
00:45:51,469 --> 00:45:56,829
The enormous post-war famine...
408
00:45:57,108 --> 00:46:00,429
During the late 1940s,
and then in the 50s...
409
00:46:01,708 --> 00:46:05,909
Collective farms...
All those situations...
410
00:46:07,789 --> 00:46:10,548
What could his alternatives have been?
411
00:46:11,188 --> 00:46:16,028
Even when grandfather took another woman,
412
00:46:16,108 --> 00:46:18,749
to live with them in the same house,
413
00:46:18,829 --> 00:46:22,548
even then the grandmother still...
414
00:46:23,028 --> 00:46:27,508
After he was already dead, she was left alone.
415
00:46:27,668 --> 00:46:32,668
He went to visit from time to time
her husband's grave and...
416
00:46:39,508 --> 00:46:42,949
As one of my great aunts said...
417
00:46:43,309 --> 00:46:47,108
Grandma was crazy about that man.
418
00:46:47,309 --> 00:46:51,668
Everyone had warned her that he,
419
00:46:52,949 --> 00:46:55,789
he was a womanizer and a drunkard.
420
00:46:56,349 --> 00:47:00,228
But despite this...
421
00:47:01,188 --> 00:47:05,749
Grandma had made her choice,
and she had chosen that man.
422
00:47:06,628 --> 00:47:09,228
And it was a definitive choice.
423
00:47:11,588 --> 00:47:17,429
At the risk of being beaten,
or even beaten to death.
424
00:49:42,949 --> 00:49:47,789
Otherwise the hair becomes too hot.
You can their crackling.
425
00:49:48,909 --> 00:49:50,508
Thank you.
426
00:50:25,628 --> 00:50:27,789
You were sleeping.
427
00:50:28,148 --> 00:50:31,989
There were lots of blankets and
lots of bedding...
428
00:50:32,749 --> 00:50:34,349
And...
429
00:50:35,349 --> 00:50:37,429
Lord, how beautiful you were.
430
00:50:41,909 --> 00:50:43,628
I was hoping you'd stay asleep.
431
00:50:43,708 --> 00:50:47,909
I brought a pen and paper and drew you.
432
00:50:49,188 --> 00:50:54,708
You slept like that, with your hand under your chin.
433
00:50:58,148 --> 00:50:59,949
I drew you.
434
00:51:05,269 --> 00:51:07,028
And so I discovered,
435
00:51:07,108 --> 00:51:09,869
that that is the most comfortable position for sleeping.
436
00:51:09,949 --> 00:51:12,269
I also roll up the blanket here.
437
00:51:12,389 --> 00:51:15,108
If I have at least a quarter of an hour,
to sleep during the day,
438
00:51:15,188 --> 00:51:20,708
then that's the position
so I can fall asleep right away.
439
00:51:21,469 --> 00:51:24,909
And when I gave you that picture,
Even then I was afraid that...
440
00:51:27,309 --> 00:51:31,869
Did you like it, did you consider it important?
441
00:51:39,228 --> 00:51:41,869
I don't remember exactly how...
442
00:51:42,628 --> 00:51:44,789
how could everything happen like this...
443
00:51:45,708 --> 00:51:47,909
I was probably pretty tipsy.
444
00:51:48,628 --> 00:51:51,228
But I remember kissing you,
445
00:51:51,389 --> 00:51:54,829
or you kissed me.
or we kissed.
446
00:51:57,668 --> 00:51:59,588
But how did it happen?
447
00:52:10,188 --> 00:52:14,548
By the way, I don't even remember,
how it happened the first time.
448
00:52:16,108 --> 00:52:19,508
Maybe we really were a little drunk.
449
00:52:26,749 --> 00:52:29,068
It seemed to me that...
450
00:52:31,989 --> 00:52:39,349
Okay, you actually like men, and...
451
00:52:41,989 --> 00:52:47,989
And I was so afraid of hurting myself.
452
00:52:50,829 --> 00:52:53,909
Discovering that maybe it was just a game...
453
00:52:54,548 --> 00:52:55,909
...for you.
454
00:52:59,708 --> 00:53:03,869
And I didn't want...
it definitely wasn't a game for me.
455
00:53:03,949 --> 00:53:08,988
But I didn't understand if it was,
just something more than trying.
456
00:53:09,068 --> 00:53:13,668
I actually don't really know yet...
457
00:53:14,789 --> 00:53:19,668
We have these concepts
so deep inside us,
458
00:53:19,829 --> 00:53:25,508
about who can offer you intimacy,
and about who shouldn't.
459
00:53:26,068 --> 00:53:28,789
We all crave intimacy,
460
00:53:29,188 --> 00:53:31,989
but we dare to let in,
461
00:53:32,188 --> 00:53:34,188
what seems, well, unusual?
462
00:53:34,309 --> 00:53:38,469
We are able to recognize, in that moment,
what do we want?
463
00:53:39,389 --> 00:53:44,749
You mean you had this strong concept,
464
00:53:44,869 --> 00:53:47,989
that only a man and a woman,
should they be together?
465
00:53:48,188 --> 00:53:50,428
Yes, and I don't know if I still have it.
466
00:53:50,508 --> 00:53:52,188
I don't know...
467
00:53:53,789 --> 00:53:57,628
Well, I've never heard of it
the urgency to experiment,
468
00:53:57,749 --> 00:54:01,188
but I know I saw you in my dreams.
469
00:55:28,469 --> 00:55:30,789
Leaving was a very big sin.
470
00:55:31,508 --> 00:55:35,588
I didn't know anyone around here
that he would get divorced,
471
00:55:36,108 --> 00:55:37,829
I've never even heard of it.
472
00:55:38,309 --> 00:55:43,548
Those who were married,
even if there were difficulties...
473
00:55:44,028 --> 00:55:48,668
They argued and argued,
until they finally reconciled.
474
00:55:48,869 --> 00:55:51,508
And they lived together, until their deaths.
475
00:55:53,708 --> 00:55:55,909
My neighbor who was on the hill,
476
00:55:56,028 --> 00:55:58,269
when his wife died,
he came and asked me:
477
00:55:58,349 --> 00:56:01,789
"Dear Mari, are you coming to wash her?"
478
00:56:01,869 --> 00:56:05,349
"I already heated up the sauna to heat the water."
479
00:56:05,628 --> 00:56:09,228
Who washes the dead with hot water?
I had never heard this before!
480
00:56:09,349 --> 00:56:11,749
But he had never had anything to do with it before
with the dead,
481
00:56:11,829 --> 00:56:14,829
he thought his wife needed to be washed
with hot water.
482
00:56:15,909 --> 00:56:18,429
I've washed so many dead people,
483
00:56:18,708 --> 00:56:20,989
which I think I have, I don't know...
484
00:56:21,668 --> 00:56:25,269
People are called to wash the dead,
485
00:56:25,749 --> 00:56:28,429
who are brave and not afraid.
But some fear the dead,
486
00:56:28,509 --> 00:56:30,949
and they don't want to touch them.
487
00:56:32,028 --> 00:56:35,628
The soul of the dead remains in the house,
for forty days.
488
00:56:36,508 --> 00:56:38,469
And he sees everything.
489
00:56:39,148 --> 00:56:43,228
Forty days were about to pass,
after my husband's death.
490
00:56:43,389 --> 00:56:47,269
Forty days had passed and it was evening.
491
00:56:47,469 --> 00:56:50,068
While I was sleeping, I opened my eyes,
492
00:56:50,188 --> 00:56:52,668
and my husband was standing next to me,
493
00:56:52,829 --> 00:56:58,188
wearing the same clothes
with which he was buried.
494
00:56:58,989 --> 00:57:03,349
He looked at me and I was so happy.
A smile appeared on my face.
495
00:57:03,469 --> 00:57:05,588
"But... aren't you dead?"
I asked...
496
00:57:05,949 --> 00:57:08,708
While I was watching it disappeared.
497
00:57:35,188 --> 00:57:37,668
Try listening.
Does this seem okay to you?
498
00:57:39,628 --> 00:57:41,389
Yes.
499
00:57:43,469 --> 00:57:45,989
Dear spirits, now it's your turn...
500
00:57:46,148 --> 00:57:48,108
...come and wash yourself.
501
00:57:55,508 --> 00:57:58,108
If we do a "spiritual sauna"...
502
00:57:58,429 --> 00:58:00,869
I don't dare call my mother.
503
00:58:01,749 --> 00:58:05,508
Because I feel like he might get mad at me.
504
00:58:12,108 --> 00:58:15,869
In my life, I have had
a close experience with death.
505
00:58:16,228 --> 00:58:20,789
Now I think I have some kind of relationship with her.
506
00:58:24,668 --> 00:58:27,508
I was 39 when I got pregnant.
507
00:58:27,628 --> 00:58:29,789
It was the second time in my life.
508
00:58:31,708 --> 00:58:34,869
My first child was already grown up.
509
00:58:35,789 --> 00:58:37,869
There was a new love in my life.
510
00:58:37,989 --> 00:58:41,668
We were both very impatient
to have a child.
511
00:58:44,108 --> 00:58:48,469
There were a few days left,
on the expected date of birth.
512
00:58:48,708 --> 00:58:52,108
When I went to bed at night,
I remember a feeling,
513
00:58:52,228 --> 00:58:55,389
it was strange,
He hadn't moved for some time.
514
00:58:55,548 --> 00:58:58,989
But I thought everything was fine,
he was probably just sleeping.
515
00:58:59,269 --> 00:59:06,349
We thought about going to the hospital
to check, just to be on the safe side.
516
00:59:06,749 --> 00:59:11,269
And then there was the moment when the doctor...
517
00:59:12,909 --> 00:59:16,068
which he was checking with the device
my belly remained silent.
518
00:59:16,148 --> 00:59:18,909
But you look at it and understand...
519
00:59:26,829 --> 00:59:30,468
That whoever you keep inside you is no longer alive,
and then the birth must be induced.
520
00:59:30,548 --> 00:59:34,668
Understand that the body will not go out on its own.
521
00:59:36,869 --> 00:59:39,628
The induction process,
takes a lot of time,
522
00:59:39,749 --> 00:59:42,469
or at least in my case it lasted a long time.
523
00:59:43,349 --> 00:59:45,548
All night and all day.
524
00:59:47,028 --> 00:59:50,068
I remember that at a certain point,
when the pain came,
525
00:59:50,188 --> 00:59:52,309
I screamed.
526
00:59:55,628 --> 00:59:58,949
When my first child was born,
I hadn't made a sound.
527
00:59:59,068 --> 01:00:03,389
It seemed strange to me or maybe simply,
I couldn't do it then.
528
01:00:04,588 --> 01:00:08,148
But now it was as if it were
the only thing I could do.
529
01:00:10,869 --> 01:00:13,028
In the end, childbirth is childbirth.
530
01:00:13,108 --> 01:00:16,469
Every woman who has given birth
knows this feeling,
531
01:00:16,588 --> 01:00:19,829
at a certain point you are concentrated
just about that.
532
01:00:20,148 --> 01:00:23,389
And in this sense, it doesn't really matter,
533
01:00:23,469 --> 01:00:27,949
if you are giving birth to a live baby
or lifeless.
534
01:00:28,068 --> 01:00:32,749
The situation is the same,
when childbirth begins to approach,
535
01:00:32,829 --> 01:00:35,508
or the baby starts to come out.
536
01:00:36,389 --> 01:00:39,989
At some point the pain
it just passed.
537
01:00:44,188 --> 01:00:48,548
Then I remember when the little girl,
was placed in my lap.
538
01:00:49,269 --> 01:00:54,708
This little girl was very beautiful,
his body was still warm.
539
01:00:55,869 --> 01:00:57,869
And then slowly...
540
01:00:58,949 --> 01:01:01,668
It started to cool down...
541
01:01:02,228 --> 01:01:03,989
to become colder.
542
01:01:06,228 --> 01:01:08,429
Doctors say...
543
01:01:09,429 --> 01:01:13,309
...if the child died in the womb,
it is better to give birth naturally,
544
01:01:13,429 --> 01:01:18,108
and not with cesarean section.
Many women object to this,
545
01:01:18,548 --> 01:01:22,309
they are experiencing an already difficult situation,
why even endure the pains of childbirth?
546
01:01:25,429 --> 01:01:27,708
I'm actually happy I gave birth,
547
01:01:27,829 --> 01:01:31,749
because the pain you feel during childbirth,
548
01:01:31,829 --> 01:01:35,989
it's a start to make you accept this event.
549
01:01:36,508 --> 01:01:38,469
So when it's all over,
550
01:01:38,628 --> 01:01:44,469
a part of this pain,
it is already burned, dissolved.
551
01:02:03,469 --> 01:02:09,829
Salt, salt, protect me from evil
both inside and out...
552
01:02:11,708 --> 01:02:19,668
Salt, salt, protect me from evil
both inside and out...
553
01:02:54,228 --> 01:03:02,228
What must go, let it go...
554
01:03:57,548 --> 01:04:04,749
Out! Away, away, out now!
555
01:04:06,909 --> 01:04:09,668
Purify the little girl!
556
01:04:09,909 --> 01:04:13,188
So be it...
557
01:04:14,749 --> 01:04:21,588
Water, takes away the pain...
558
01:04:35,068 --> 01:04:42,389
Water, takes away the pain...
559
01:06:54,228 --> 01:06:55,869
Now they call it "the period",
560
01:06:55,949 --> 01:06:59,188
when I was a child they used to say "your illness".
561
01:06:59,469 --> 01:07:02,068
I had my first period and then...
562
01:07:03,108 --> 01:07:08,909
My mother was so silly,
who didn't explain "the illness" to me...
563
01:07:09,148 --> 01:07:12,789
I saw something start to come out of me,
564
01:07:13,028 --> 01:07:17,668
and I went behind the door and started crying,
565
01:07:17,789 --> 01:07:22,108
thinking the blood was draining away.
566
01:07:22,228 --> 01:07:26,028
I always remember that I wasn't wearing panties then.
567
01:07:26,628 --> 01:07:28,909
I was crying and mom asked me:
568
01:07:28,989 --> 01:07:32,309
"Why are you crying, darling, here behind the door?"
569
01:07:32,909 --> 01:07:36,548
Mom saw what was happening to me and said:
"Oh!"
570
01:07:36,989 --> 01:07:41,148
"Dear child, there is nothing wrong,
now you have become a woman!"
571
01:07:41,869 --> 01:07:44,269
"Now that your illness has begun!"
572
01:07:44,349 --> 01:07:46,668
Then you become a woman,
573
01:07:46,989 --> 01:07:49,269
while until your illness you were a child.
574
01:08:21,669 --> 01:08:25,589
How did they tell you?
They told you...
575
01:08:25,669 --> 01:08:28,669
My grandmother always told me to
go wash my pee.
576
01:08:28,869 --> 01:08:33,268
And it was downright embarrassing.
577
01:08:33,428 --> 01:08:38,308
Sometimes he said it in front of my grandfather,
and it was terrible.
578
01:08:38,388 --> 01:08:41,749
I was a little girl, but somehow
I was so embarrassed.
579
01:08:41,869 --> 01:08:45,949
Where does such embarrassment come from?
580
01:08:46,029 --> 01:08:47,909
- Do you remember?
- Certain.
581
01:08:47,989 --> 01:08:50,348
- Was it like that?
- I was ashamed!
582
01:08:50,468 --> 01:08:53,669
- But what do you say to your daughters?
- Wash your fluffy.
583
01:08:53,829 --> 01:08:55,709
- The soft one?
- Yes.
584
01:08:58,348 --> 01:09:02,468
The pussy. I say pussy.
585
01:09:02,869 --> 01:09:04,428
I say that too.
586
01:09:05,028 --> 01:09:08,829
Pussy... I can't say pee,
because...
587
01:09:09,829 --> 01:09:12,179
- it's not at all.
- And just say, "Wash your lower parts."?
588
01:09:12,789 --> 01:09:15,749
It's terrible! I hate it!
589
01:09:15,829 --> 01:09:20,108
Truly! It's horrible!
590
01:09:20,428 --> 01:09:24,068
Yes, wash your bottoms.
My bottoms are all clean!
591
01:09:25,829 --> 01:09:29,028
And you had to tell your grandmother or your mother.
592
01:09:29,228 --> 01:09:32,188
I remember, for example, that I had a grandmother,
593
01:09:32,268 --> 01:09:35,869
and his ideal was a pure woman:
"a woman must be pure", he said.
594
01:09:35,949 --> 01:09:39,829
I remember I was 4 or 5 years old
and she took me for a walk,
595
01:09:39,909 --> 01:09:43,869
he started talking,
and he told me that it's very important,
596
01:09:44,348 --> 01:09:47,228
that a woman does not wear baggy trousers.
597
01:09:47,348 --> 01:09:52,589
And then I thought,
what if I wear a dress?
598
01:09:55,388 --> 01:09:59,388
I didn't understand the meaning.
599
01:10:00,909 --> 01:10:03,669
Why not wide?
Why else do the trousers fall down?
600
01:10:03,749 --> 01:10:05,869
Yes, he said, they fall.
601
01:10:07,068 --> 01:10:11,188
"And then you could... you have to keep it!"
602
01:10:11,308 --> 01:10:14,589
What do I have to maintain?
“You must maintain your purity.”
603
01:10:14,869 --> 01:10:17,549
What do you mean by purity?
Like I'm washing myself?
604
01:10:17,709 --> 01:10:21,388
Then he said virginity
it is a woman's most important asset,
605
01:10:21,468 --> 01:10:23,388
and must be stored very carefully.
606
01:10:23,909 --> 01:10:27,308
And I imagined, like every girl
he imagined it,
607
01:10:27,388 --> 01:10:30,108
what would it have been like the first time?
608
01:10:30,188 --> 01:10:33,388
A nice boy, who loves me very much...
609
01:10:33,589 --> 01:10:38,028
And then it happened that instead,
a dirty old man raped me.
610
01:10:38,989 --> 01:10:41,468
How did you meet this old man?
611
01:10:45,388 --> 01:10:49,388
When I was 16 or 17,
612
01:10:50,428 --> 01:10:53,428
I was hitchhiking,
613
01:10:53,909 --> 01:10:56,629
then...
614
01:10:59,348 --> 01:11:05,468
Then this old man made me come up,
and he seemed very friendly.
615
01:11:05,589 --> 01:11:10,388
He was joking and the radio was on.
616
01:11:10,509 --> 01:11:13,188
There was a song by Mati Nuude,
who talked about roses.
617
01:11:13,308 --> 01:11:16,348
We even started singing together.
618
01:11:16,709 --> 01:11:18,749
So yes, very nice.
619
01:11:18,949 --> 01:11:22,148
And then he said:
“Oh, I need gas.”
620
01:11:22,228 --> 01:11:25,709
"Afterwards we will continue, but first
I need petrol."
621
01:11:26,228 --> 01:11:29,749
Then he turned towards a village.
622
01:11:29,829 --> 01:11:31,669
And I thought: okay.
623
01:11:32,629 --> 01:11:37,188
He drove up to a certain point,
then he turned.
624
01:11:37,308 --> 01:11:43,108
Suddenly I had a strange feeling
to the stomach. Oh Jesus Christ! What happens?
625
01:11:44,749 --> 01:11:48,509
He turned onto a forest road.
626
01:11:48,749 --> 01:11:52,509
Then I realized I was up to my neck in shit.
I realized he wasn't going to the gas station.
627
01:11:52,629 --> 01:11:56,829
Thoughts started racing like crazy,
what will I do now... I wondered.
628
01:11:58,028 --> 01:12:03,709
Then he stopped at a house
and got out of the car.
629
01:12:05,028 --> 01:12:08,988
I wanted to run out the door but I realized,
630
01:12:09,068 --> 01:12:12,268
that down there, where I was sitting,
the doors did not have an opening.
631
01:12:12,388 --> 01:12:15,028
I couldn't go out that way.
632
01:12:16,068 --> 01:12:20,148
Then I hear dogs barking.
633
01:12:20,629 --> 01:12:24,709
There were three or four large dogs
around the car,
634
01:12:24,789 --> 01:12:26,829
and I was terribly afraid of dogs.
635
01:12:27,028 --> 01:12:31,108
The dogs were growling around the car
and I thought: oh shit!
636
01:12:31,188 --> 01:12:35,468
I didn't know how to drive, my mind
she worked like crazy.
637
01:12:35,869 --> 01:12:38,709
Dogs are everywhere, what can I do?
638
01:12:38,829 --> 01:12:41,148
This isn't real, this isn't happening to me.
639
01:12:41,228 --> 01:12:44,068
This happens in movies, it doesn't happen to me.
640
01:12:44,709 --> 01:12:49,148
The man had gone to that house
when it came out I thought:
641
01:12:49,268 --> 01:12:53,388
Maybe he'll get back behind the wheel and we'll continue.
642
01:12:53,468 --> 01:12:58,388
Instead, he approached the door,
643
01:12:58,468 --> 01:13:02,468
he opened it and had a knife in his hand.
644
01:13:03,228 --> 01:13:11,108
I started telling him that my father,
he's a tough cop,
645
01:13:11,228 --> 01:13:18,549
and that I should have called him,
because otherwise he would worry.
646
01:13:18,709 --> 01:13:23,709
And the man says:
"No it's not, shut up little bird!"
647
01:13:24,709 --> 01:13:27,388
"And then you'll like it..."
648
01:13:28,348 --> 01:13:31,148
I tried to push him away.
649
01:13:31,308 --> 01:13:33,909
This guy took my most prized possession!
650
01:13:35,108 --> 01:13:36,549
Then...
651
01:13:37,268 --> 01:13:40,028
Then I thought,
that I really didn't care,
652
01:13:40,108 --> 01:13:43,629
I want to survive, I want to live,
I told myself.
653
01:13:44,029 --> 01:13:46,308
I have something to say and give to the world,
654
01:13:46,428 --> 01:13:50,228
I am not interested in this precious commodity.
655
01:13:53,829 --> 01:13:58,428
Then I looked out the car window,
I looked at the trees, the forest.
656
01:14:00,108 --> 01:14:03,909
And then I just talked to God,
657
01:14:04,509 --> 01:14:07,869
please, I told him, I want to survive.
658
01:14:07,949 --> 01:14:12,348
Sorry God, I don't care
this precious asset that a woman has.
659
01:14:12,468 --> 01:14:15,468
I'm only interested in surviving.
660
01:14:18,068 --> 01:14:23,348
Then I prayed,
and at a certain point I no longer reacted.
661
01:14:23,468 --> 01:14:26,509
I thought I didn't care,
he had a knife and I didn't want...
662
01:14:26,589 --> 01:14:29,509
If he had stabbed me with that knife,
663
01:14:29,629 --> 01:14:32,589
what could happen?
Paralyze me.
664
01:14:32,669 --> 01:14:35,028
Scar me.
665
01:14:35,108 --> 01:14:37,789
And then no one will want me anymore,
666
01:14:37,909 --> 01:14:41,228
when my face is disfigured!
I don't care!
667
01:14:46,388 --> 01:14:50,709
And then, at a certain point,
he started feeling sorry for me.
668
01:14:51,148 --> 01:14:57,028
And he said:
“Don't do that now, it's nothing.”
669
01:14:57,148 --> 01:15:02,308
"If you want, let's go to the house,
there is a nice and comfortable bed."
670
01:15:02,428 --> 01:15:06,869
"I'll show you how it's really done,
This car is not the best place."
671
01:15:07,228 --> 01:15:11,148
And then he got some petrol,
I don't know where he got it.
672
01:15:11,468 --> 01:15:14,549
It took me somewhere along the way.
673
01:15:15,148 --> 01:15:19,629
He opened the door, and so I came out,
and he also wanted to kiss me.
674
01:15:22,188 --> 01:15:24,629
He said:
"Maybe we'll meet again."
675
01:15:26,468 --> 01:15:28,789
What a bastard!
676
01:15:32,549 --> 01:15:34,829
And then I...
677
01:15:37,909 --> 01:15:40,829
I ran away.
678
01:15:41,468 --> 01:15:43,709
No, I didn't run away right away.
679
01:15:43,869 --> 01:15:49,148
I was there on the side of the road and I thought:
"Now I'll hitchhike and go home."
680
01:15:49,268 --> 01:15:54,268
He left and I stood there shaking.
681
01:15:54,709 --> 01:15:56,789
But the story has a sequel.
682
01:15:56,949 --> 01:16:02,989
There in the ditch I was trembling,
and meanwhile another car arrives.
683
01:16:03,069 --> 01:16:05,629
There were two men inside,
they noticed me in the ditch.
684
01:16:05,749 --> 01:16:10,308
They asked, if I needed help.
685
01:16:11,468 --> 01:16:14,108
I was shaking and I said yes,
686
01:16:14,188 --> 01:16:17,388
that I needed help,
that I had to go home.
687
01:16:17,629 --> 01:16:19,909
They made me come up and asked me:
688
01:16:20,028 --> 01:16:23,188
“Why are you trembling, pretty bird?”
689
01:16:23,348 --> 01:16:25,629
I thought I was ugly, skinny,
690
01:16:25,749 --> 01:16:29,869
yet at the time, I received many compliments.
691
01:16:30,749 --> 01:16:33,108
But I really hated myself.
692
01:16:33,188 --> 01:16:35,428
Anyway:
"Why are you shaking, little bird?"
693
01:16:35,509 --> 01:16:39,869
And then I said that a man
he had raped me.
694
01:16:41,108 --> 01:16:45,428
They said:
"Oh fuck! That's bad.".
695
01:16:45,989 --> 01:16:48,428
“You need cognac!”
696
01:16:48,509 --> 01:16:52,869
They took me somewhere,
in a house,
697
01:16:52,989 --> 01:16:56,669
and they gave me some whiskey or cognac,
they made me drink.
698
01:16:56,869 --> 01:17:00,428
Then one of them sat down next to me,
699
01:17:00,549 --> 01:17:03,188
and started hugging me.
700
01:17:04,188 --> 01:17:06,749
And he started touching me.
701
01:17:07,148 --> 01:17:09,268
And then he was kissing me.
702
01:17:09,549 --> 01:17:11,268
And he said:
703
01:17:11,428 --> 01:17:16,268
"Hey, it's okay now! It happened!"
704
01:17:16,549 --> 01:17:21,228
"Now that your virginity is gone,
you can start living life!”
705
01:17:25,108 --> 01:17:28,669
And then I...
706
01:17:29,388 --> 01:17:33,068
I was so confused, that I found myself
to return his kisses.
707
01:17:33,148 --> 01:17:35,948
And later I thought, what did I do?
I kissed him too,
708
01:17:36,028 --> 01:17:40,428
and I let him touch me,
after what I had experienced.
709
01:17:40,509 --> 01:17:42,949
I can't say... I don't know what happened.
710
01:17:43,029 --> 01:17:45,549
But I let him do everything.
711
01:17:47,148 --> 01:17:51,749
In any case,
when they finally took me home,
712
01:17:52,188 --> 01:17:56,509
my mother...
713
01:17:57,909 --> 01:18:00,148
At first I didn't say anything.
714
01:18:00,268 --> 01:18:05,589
But after a while I said to my mother,
what had happened.
715
01:18:05,709 --> 01:18:11,428
I told her I had been raped,
and she didn't believe it.
716
01:18:11,749 --> 01:18:13,428
“Were you raped?”
717
01:18:13,549 --> 01:18:17,348
"Listen, come up with something better,
to attract attention."
718
01:18:17,669 --> 01:18:20,509
I don't know if he didn't believe that I...
719
01:18:20,669 --> 01:18:24,509
He really thought I was so ugly,
that no one could want to rape me?
720
01:18:24,629 --> 01:18:26,949
This was what I thought.
721
01:18:28,549 --> 01:18:34,388
A few years later, I saw on TV,
two girls who had been kidnapped,
722
01:18:34,509 --> 01:18:38,028
tortured and raped for several days..
723
01:18:39,549 --> 01:18:44,428
Luckily they managed to escape, otherwise,
probably, they would have been killed.
724
01:18:44,549 --> 01:18:49,308
I saw it on the police news,
and my rapist was shown.
725
01:18:51,549 --> 01:18:54,268
So I understood,
726
01:18:55,028 --> 01:18:59,228
that I had been very close to being killed.
727
01:19:00,509 --> 01:19:03,068
I don't know if that prayer helped...
728
01:19:24,789 --> 01:19:28,228
I want to protect my daughter from all this!
729
01:19:28,388 --> 01:19:32,348
But how to do it?
How can I do it?
730
01:22:27,986 --> 01:22:47,640
- Let's sweat all this pain!
- Let's sweat out all that fear!
731
01:23:41,909 --> 01:23:49,869
Sweat, out, out!
732
01:23:53,629 --> 01:24:01,228
Pain, out, out!
733
01:24:03,709 --> 01:24:07,549
Out! Out! Get out!
734
01:24:09,749 --> 01:24:12,869
Get out!
735
01:25:26,869 --> 01:25:32,228
To all my sisters
736
01:25:37,491 --> 01:25:46,937
The tradition of the “Smoke Sauna”
of Vana-Võromaa, in South Estonia,
it is part of the UNESCO list
of the intangible cultural heritage of humanity.
737
01:25:46,982 --> 01:25:49,326
Italian version: Esprit 03/2024
738
01:25:49,388 --> 01:25:56,028
We thank you, we thank you!
739
01:25:59,388 --> 01:26:01,948
We thank you for your effort,
740
01:26:02,028 --> 01:26:04,749
Sauna keeper!
741
01:26:09,188 --> 01:26:15,589
We thank you, we thank you!
742
01:26:18,749 --> 01:26:21,509
We thank you, water bearer,
743
01:26:21,629 --> 01:26:24,468
and the whip!
744
01:26:28,428 --> 01:26:35,068
We thank you, we thank you!
745
01:26:38,388 --> 01:26:45,749
Dear Mother Earth and Father Sky!
746
01:26:48,949 --> 01:26:55,669
We thank you, we thank you!
747
01:26:58,989 --> 01:27:01,589
because you fed
748
01:27:01,709 --> 01:27:03,949
the birch.
749
01:27:08,629 --> 01:27:15,749
And blessed are the waters!
750
01:27:16,549 --> 01:27:23,308
We thank you, we thank you!
751
01:27:26,629 --> 01:27:30,709
We thank you dear fire,
752
01:27:30,789 --> 01:27:34,428
We thank you, dear stones!
753
01:27:35,388 --> 01:27:42,228
We thank you, we thank you!
754
01:27:45,589 --> 01:27:52,509
All our pain in the cold water!
755
01:27:53,148 --> 01:28:00,589
All our fears in the cold water!
756
01:28:01,188 --> 01:28:07,789
We thank you, we thank you!
757
01:28:10,909 --> 01:28:17,669
Dear Smoke Sauna, you, sacred place!
758
01:28:19,952 --> 01:28:28,473
We thank you, we thank you!