1 00:00:27,777 --> 00:00:32,072 Oh, let's just get in there, baby. Let's go. Hustle. Here we go. 2 00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:36,034 I love angry sex. This is the best. 3 00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:37,911 Oh, you wanna do it right here, huh? 4 00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:42,124 Oh, yeah-- Okay. 5 00:00:44,752 --> 00:00:48,046 Give up, already. Yeah, you know. 6 00:00:57,599 --> 00:01:01,268 I like this girl. Really do. 7 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:03,145 Sometimes you just know. 8 00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:12,988 I'm not finished. 9 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,499 Here's where my head is at. We start with a blowjob. 10 00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:24,833 Obviously, yeah 11 00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:26,668 Which most girls find rewarding... 12 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:30,631 ...because I turn what is normally a chore into a tutoring session. 13 00:01:30,798 --> 00:01:34,426 You know, my own special Head Start program. Even got Chloraseptic spray. 14 00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:37,137 Do that really well, we move on to the nasty stuff. 15 00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:40,265 Do some artsy live streaming video. Totally tasteful. 16 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:42,351 Don't worry, I'll get you paid. Easy. 17 00:01:42,852 --> 00:01:45,938 -Wait, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time? -Yeah. 18 00:01:46,105 --> 00:01:47,689 I accept your rebuke of my advances. 19 00:01:47,857 --> 00:01:50,275 But for future reference, could you give me a reason why? 20 00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:52,277 How about 10? 21 00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:54,696 I love angry sex. This is the best. 22 00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,158 It's gonna be great. Just.... 23 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:07,334 Hey, we're going Dutch on gas money, you know. 24 00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:09,378 Shut the fuck up. I'm not even listen-- 25 00:02:10,713 --> 00:02:12,339 Oh, my God! Why aren't you--? 26 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:13,966 Dick! 27 00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:15,551 -Listen. Sarah. -Oh, my God. 28 00:02:15,718 --> 00:02:17,427 I didn't know it was your sister. 29 00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:19,888 If I did, then I wouldn't have had sex with her. 30 00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:23,225 Okay, but I was drunk, it was dark, and I thought it was you. 31 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:26,228 Oh, she's pregnant too. You tell your sister... 32 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:30,524 ...that I'll make a donation to Planned Parenthood in her honor. 33 00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:33,986 Sarah, my ex. 34 00:02:35,071 --> 00:02:36,947 Big cunt. 35 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,083 Rachel, I apologize. 36 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:50,794 Sometimes when you try a new restaurant, it's a gamble. 37 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:53,171 And today we lost. 38 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:58,969 I'm thinking to avoid any sexual obligation, that's you. 39 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:09,605 Oh, my God. 40 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,024 Please stop. Please stop. Please. 41 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,612 Perhaps I can interest you in some of our fabulous Famine Fiesta Fries? 42 00:03:16,779 --> 00:03:19,781 She could use a little more famine and a little less fried. 43 00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:23,368 Two Baja Car Bombs on the snap. 44 00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:26,413 Okay, no, I don't drink... 45 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:29,291 -...but thank you. -I wasn't ordering for you. 46 00:03:36,174 --> 00:03:38,634 -I gotta warn you, the stereo's busted. -That's okay. 47 00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,802 I've got a little bit of a headache, so.... 48 00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:46,224 See?! 49 00:03:46,934 --> 00:03:48,477 It's been like this for a month! 50 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:51,480 I got it. 51 00:03:59,155 --> 00:04:01,990 These are for your ears! 52 00:04:02,950 --> 00:04:04,242 Thanks. 53 00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:07,412 You look offended by the song! 54 00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:10,791 But if you really listen, it's not really vulgar. 55 00:04:10,958 --> 00:04:15,921 It's about a guy, he's in love. And I know he's saying, "Pop the pussy." 56 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,173 But it's a metaphor for, like: 57 00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:20,842 "I wanna hug you!" 58 00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:24,304 Pop that pussy Hug me, hug me, hug me, hug me 59 00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:28,183 So I'll call you later? 60 00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:31,395 -And I'll call the cops, you asshole. -I had a nice time tonight. 61 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,860 -Hello. -Josh, I just went on... 62 00:04:39,028 --> 00:04:41,238 -...the worst date of my life. -Rachel. 63 00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:45,534 -Hey, look, I'm gl-- -I'm so, so sorry. 64 00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:48,537 Why are you sorry? Baby, I was the one who-- 65 00:04:48,704 --> 00:04:52,290 -Can we maybe, you know, grab a...? -Yeah. Yeah, no, that sounds great. 66 00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:55,043 -Yeah. -I'd really like that. 67 00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:58,880 Listen, I'm out with a friend right now. But can I call you? 68 00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:01,299 -What about dinner tomorrow night? -I'd like that. 69 00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:03,343 Yeah, I'd like that too. All right. 70 00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:07,431 I'm so glad you called. All right, bye. 71 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,434 Told you. I just show them the difference... 72 00:05:10,601 --> 00:05:13,061 ...between what's in the hand and what's in the bush. 73 00:05:13,229 --> 00:05:15,730 You have mastered the female psyche. 74 00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:18,275 To get them to run, I make them think that I'm shit. 75 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,861 To get them to come, I make them think they're shit. 76 00:05:21,028 --> 00:05:23,113 Either way, you're the asshole. 77 00:05:23,781 --> 00:05:25,699 It's what I do. 78 00:06:01,068 --> 00:06:02,944 Sorry. 79 00:06:17,376 --> 00:06:18,752 All right. 80 00:06:19,253 --> 00:06:20,837 Look at you, all white and thin. 81 00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:24,257 I bet if I laid you on this bar, she could snort you. 82 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:25,800 Listen, beauty queen. 83 00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:29,346 I know people are concerned about you because you're dangerously thin. 84 00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:32,349 But I'm not one of those people. Yet I am concerned. 85 00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:34,100 That you've had too many drinks... 86 00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:37,771 ...and your fingers are in this bowl like it's one of your sorority sisters. 87 00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:40,148 These pretzeled devils, far from complimentary. 88 00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:42,150 I mean, baby, get your head in the game. 89 00:06:42,318 --> 00:06:45,111 Nothing tastes as good as looking good. 90 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:47,197 -That is just.... -Excuse me. 91 00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:50,867 Are you psycho? I mean, how can you even begin to talk to--? 92 00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:52,118 Easy, Urlacher. 93 00:06:52,286 --> 00:06:55,372 Ever notice it's the linebackers concerned with people not eating? 94 00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:58,542 If the pussy police here would stop ordering her fries tempura-- 95 00:06:58,709 --> 00:06:59,709 I just had a child. 96 00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:02,295 Congratulations. I'm sure he was probably delicious. 97 00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:04,130 Looks like you downed the whole thing. 98 00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:06,925 You're an asshole. 99 00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:12,973 -You really are an asshole. -Then walk away. 100 00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:28,405 -Let me just go get my purse, okay? -Get cigarettes. 101 00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:31,408 -Let's go. -Okay. 102 00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:35,453 Take me. Take me to your house. Take me right now to your house. 103 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:38,665 -Hey, guy. -Tank, hey. Tank, this is Renee. 104 00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,709 -Yeah. Come here. -Renee, Tank. 105 00:07:40,876 --> 00:07:43,420 -Hey, okay. Two seconds. -Talk to me for a second. 106 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,964 -Yeah, I'll talk to you all night. -All right. 107 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:48,842 Didn't I just save your ass? I just cleaned up your bed... 108 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:52,929 ...and you're shitting in it again, okay? Aren't you getting fucking married? 109 00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:55,473 I am getting married... 110 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:58,059 ...but not tonight. 111 00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:01,438 -Renee. Renee, there she is. -Josh. 112 00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:04,899 There she is. She's all mine. 113 00:08:08,904 --> 00:08:11,239 I have to work tomorrow. 114 00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:16,077 Everybody's gotta work tomorrow. It's Tuesday. 115 00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:20,999 Good one. I have a strict no-sleepover policy. 116 00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:24,127 Yeah. 117 00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:34,429 Come on, Tank, it's almost 5. 118 00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:39,351 For some people that's not tonight, it's tomorrow. 119 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,612 I hate those people. 120 00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:06,878 Shit. 121 00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:11,424 Dustin? Yeah, five minutes is fine. Okay, bye. 122 00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:14,052 -Dude. What the shit? -I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 123 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:17,972 I told you this was happening. As of now, I'm training for the marathon. 124 00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:22,185 Goal: Run, don't walk. Nothing wrong with a little bit of discipline. 125 00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:23,812 By the way, you should try it. 126 00:09:23,979 --> 00:09:26,606 You need discipline like I need to miss my period. 127 00:09:26,774 --> 00:09:28,441 Seriously, you're already, like... 128 00:09:28,609 --> 00:09:31,945 ...a crazy, insane, OCD alpha-dog... 129 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:33,863 ...cyborg crazy creature. 130 00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:35,532 You mean, I have a job? 131 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:39,369 And now you're gonna wake me up at 5:15 every single morning... 132 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:42,539 ...so that eventually you can run 26 miles in a circle. 133 00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:46,543 Here's the great part. You get to go back to sleep indefinitely. Yea! 134 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:54,008 For the record, I am involved in a very taboo interoffice relationship. 135 00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:58,346 -Morning. -Good morning. 136 00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:02,392 Dustin, the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks. 137 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,977 I'm from Lexington. 138 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,020 -Okay, bye. -Bye. 139 00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:08,148 -See you. -Yeah. 140 00:10:14,029 --> 00:10:16,614 That's not the secret knock. 141 00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,994 That's the one. What's going on, man? 142 00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:23,872 I need to move this into your room. Tonight is the night. 143 00:10:24,039 --> 00:10:27,584 And if all goes according to plan, consider this move permanent. 144 00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:31,296 -"Lawrence of a Labia"? -Yeah, in a moment of weakness... 145 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:35,884 ...I bought the entire EFI. The Erotic Film Institute's top 100. Enjoy. 146 00:10:36,051 --> 00:10:38,428 Where did it go wrong? You have a serious problem. 147 00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:40,680 Better than taking sexual frustrations out... 148 00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:43,516 ...on a parade of one-night skanks I'll never see again. 149 00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:44,726 -True. -Good morning. 150 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:48,104 Hey, no, no, come here. This is Dusty, my roommate-slash-cousin. 151 00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:52,150 Not technically related. Our parents were friends until his mom walked out. 152 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,695 Slash-fuckhead for bringing up bad family shit at inappropriate times. 153 00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:56,905 It's nice to meet you. 154 00:10:57,072 --> 00:10:59,115 -Nice to meet you. -Fucking family. 155 00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:02,410 What's the plan? Bring this girl back here, pop open chloroform... 156 00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:04,412 ...insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat? 157 00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:07,248 No. Tonight is the night I tell her how I feel. 158 00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:10,960 Tank, this girl-- This girl is my soul mate and it's time she knew that. 159 00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:13,463 Not if you want to fuck her. 160 00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:16,633 You, what is the nicest thing I've said to you since I met you? 161 00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:19,260 You complimented me on my technique. 162 00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:20,845 Okay, look, I'm not you, okay? 163 00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:24,182 I'm not gonna manipulate her, I'm not gonna con her. 164 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,059 -I'm just gonna be myself. -No. 165 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:29,604 Yourself is a repressed headcase that beats more meat than Rocky Balboa. 166 00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:33,358 By hiding your porn, taking her to joints you hate, training for a marathon... 167 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,861 ...you're not showing the real you. You're showing a highlight-reel you. 168 00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:41,366 -Thus, in fact, you're conning her. -You don't get it. You don't get it. 169 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,327 I love her. Alexis-- 170 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:46,871 Alexis is my angel. 171 00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:51,000 You get it, right? 172 00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:54,546 We don't get it. We don't. 173 00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:56,840 Anyway, we can skip this "call me" scenario. 174 00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:58,174 -I'm already late. -Great. 175 00:11:58,342 --> 00:11:59,092 I wanna know something. 176 00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:09,060 Dusty, this is absurd. 177 00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:11,312 What? You love steak, we're eating steak. 178 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,191 -You're a vegan. -Not tonight. Eat, eat, eat. Enjoy. 179 00:12:16,151 --> 00:12:21,322 I feel a little guilty loving steak so much and you're a vegan. 180 00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:23,491 But whatever. 181 00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:26,494 I love the way you eat. 182 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,746 I love that you eat. 183 00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:31,040 I love that you pay. 184 00:12:34,336 --> 00:12:40,008 Seriously, though, I just love watching you do anything. 185 00:12:40,175 --> 00:12:43,011 I love it-- I love you, Alexis. I love you. 186 00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,225 Oh, shit. 187 00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:56,232 We just said more than once we're gonna keep it light. 188 00:12:56,734 --> 00:13:00,403 -We work together, we're friends. -That's what I'm supposed to say. 189 00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:03,865 Right? I mean, I'm supposed to be the relationship tough guy, you know? 190 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,199 I'm the dude. 191 00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,035 The dude can't just come out with: 192 00:13:07,202 --> 00:13:10,204 "I've loved you since the moment I first saw you, pounding out... 193 00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:12,457 ...a lender's agreement, eating Cocoa Puffs... 194 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,626 ...while some pretty boy drooled over you." 195 00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:18,254 -Michi Yamana. -Yeah, Michi Yamana. Dick. 196 00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:21,716 So I love you, madly. 197 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,718 Sorry. I-- I-- I know I need to stop. 198 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:26,679 Now, stop. Just stop speaking, Dustin. Just shut your mouth. 199 00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:30,808 I'm sorry. Wow, kamikaze, huh? See, this is what you do to me. 200 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,852 -What do I say here, but--? -I'm sorry. 201 00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:36,147 But do you know how hard it's been trying to play it cool? 202 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:37,857 -It's been five weeks. -I know. 203 00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:39,567 We haven't even had sex. 204 00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:46,699 Well, that's why we're here, Alexis. I wanted to talk to you about-- 205 00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,203 I think I'm ready to take the next step. 206 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,207 Sex isn't a step, Dustin. 207 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:58,169 Being exclusive would be a step or moving in together is a step. 208 00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,796 Then let's move in together. 209 00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:06,719 I need you to take me home. 210 00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:10,223 But it just felt so right. It just felt so right. 211 00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:11,724 No, it does, it feels right. 212 00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:16,688 Just not right now. 213 00:14:16,855 --> 00:14:19,023 "Just not right now." 214 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,531 Oh, God. 215 00:14:34,915 --> 00:14:36,874 God, I'm a fag. 216 00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:44,549 -Dude, you canceled Spice. -It was like 21 bucks a month, dude. 217 00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:49,095 Someone had a rough night. 218 00:14:50,889 --> 00:14:52,598 I'm Mr. Right... 219 00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:55,601 ...just not Mr. Right Now. 220 00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:00,773 What--? What does that even mean? What does that even mean? 221 00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:03,443 -I told her I loved her-- -Oh, no. 222 00:15:03,610 --> 00:15:05,236 What? 223 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:09,741 I went in early. No, no, I know. I went in a little early, but she-- 224 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:15,496 -Thanks for your support. Sweet. -Dustin. 225 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,542 Dusty, look. 226 00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,295 This too shall pass, all right? 227 00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:25,381 But that journey begins... 228 00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:27,592 ...with self-exploration. 229 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,011 And I'm holding the map, Dusty. 230 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,637 Hey. 231 00:15:32,347 --> 00:15:35,057 Kid, I got your 'bate crate. 232 00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,226 You know how much you love your 'bate crate. 233 00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:39,645 "I'm like comfort food for your penis." 234 00:15:42,649 --> 00:15:44,776 -What do I do? -Okay. 235 00:15:44,943 --> 00:15:47,403 What do you do? Okay, let's look at the options. 236 00:15:47,571 --> 00:15:51,282 Stalk her. But you're never gonna be with her. Love her from a distance. 237 00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,993 Never have a family but you could love her kids from a distance. 238 00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:57,371 -Or I could just hire you. -No. 239 00:15:57,539 --> 00:15:59,499 -Why not? -I don't fuck with family. 240 00:15:59,875 --> 00:16:03,085 Well, technically we're not blood-related. Right? 241 00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:05,046 Go to bed, Dust. 242 00:16:05,672 --> 00:16:08,216 You're serious. Okay. 243 00:16:08,383 --> 00:16:10,259 I'll get serious. 244 00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:12,678 If I do this.... 245 00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:19,060 If I do this, I'm gonna make it the finest Tank-ing of my career. 246 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:23,189 My fucking masterpiece. She'll lose her shit like a shit collector with amnesia. 247 00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:27,610 I'm talking about a Turkish twist, epic mindfuck of a Tank-ing, okay? 248 00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:32,448 Her brain'll be rocking back and forth in the shower for like three weeks. 249 00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:35,660 Okay? I'm talking about demonic fucking Tank. 250 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,328 I'll be flying up into the sky. 251 00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:41,958 She's gonna cry tears that form "Call Dusty" on the ground. 252 00:16:42,125 --> 00:16:44,836 Yes? Am I doing it? Tell me I'm doing it. 253 00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:49,507 Okay, that was weird. And I'm not sure that-- 254 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:52,176 Listen, rain check, maybe though. 255 00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:56,138 Wow, can't believe I almost resorted to emotional terrorism. I'm sorry. 256 00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:58,766 You're sweet. Next time with the next one, maybe. 257 00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:00,768 -Thank you. -I'm here. 258 00:17:02,437 --> 00:17:04,438 A little crazy. Sweet, crazy mostly. 259 00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:11,863 Don't say a word. 260 00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,013 God! Son of-- 261 00:17:37,180 --> 00:17:41,058 Why? That stupid-- 262 00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:46,814 Hi. Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction. 263 00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:48,357 How may I help you today? 264 00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:51,652 Excuse me, do you have any idea how long I was just on hold? 265 00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:53,738 It's been like an hour and a half. 266 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,364 Hello. In your manual... 267 00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:58,159 ...you've expressed a possibility of some odor issues. 268 00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:03,080 "Faint aroma," it says here on page 7. Come on. "Faint aroma"? Bullshit. 269 00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:05,917 It smells like burnt fucking hair, dude. 270 00:18:06,084 --> 00:18:10,463 Because apparently I paid 49.90-motherfucking-5... 271 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:15,092 ...so that my sweet-ass condo smells like some Korean cat barbecue. 272 00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:17,136 -Touchdown. -You lose. You lose. 273 00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:18,930 You suck. 274 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:23,768 Sir, I will gladly give you a refund, but that's not gonna solve your problem. 275 00:18:24,978 --> 00:18:26,729 New girl. 276 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:30,942 New girl 277 00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,444 Ooh, new girl 278 00:18:35,864 --> 00:18:37,740 Did the emotional terrorist win? 279 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:40,910 I just-- You know, it's funny. I never noticed your highlights... 280 00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:43,120 ...until somebody actually said something. 281 00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:44,789 They're actually really good. 282 00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:47,750 -Just tell me how it works. -Let me make this clear. 283 00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:50,878 Before she can love you, she has to hate me. 284 00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:53,839 But before she can hate me, she has to like me. 285 00:18:54,007 --> 00:18:56,092 That may be the hardest part of the equation. 286 00:18:56,259 --> 00:18:57,551 So I set up the meet-cute. 287 00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:59,971 In every movie, the stars meet in some cutesy way. 288 00:19:00,138 --> 00:19:03,140 Since every woman is looking for that dreamy, witty, goofy guy... 289 00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,811 ...of their sitcom, rom-com fantasies, I've gotta be that thing. 290 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,229 Here. 291 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:10,731 Lucky slap on the ass. Hit it. 292 00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:47,810 Are you okay? 293 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:54,692 That was rough. I'm Alexis. 294 00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:05,703 Wow, that looked really real. 295 00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:09,290 -Is that real? -It's real and it hurts. 296 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:12,251 Okay. So, like, what happens now? You come back every day... 297 00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:15,296 ...for a couple weeks. Slowly, eventually you build her trust. 298 00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:18,215 -Daddy bee's got the honey. -That's her number. 299 00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:21,135 -Let's go eat. -How--? How did--? 300 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:24,764 Now, remember, she's classy. So maybe a fast-food joint. 301 00:20:24,931 --> 00:20:26,766 Or wait, wait, drive-through. 302 00:20:26,933 --> 00:20:29,894 Do I tell you what flavor of jam to eat out of your boss's ass? 303 00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:32,646 No. Dusty, it's what I do. 304 00:20:32,856 --> 00:20:36,108 You gotta trust me. She's not gonna know what hit her. 305 00:20:37,986 --> 00:20:39,153 All right. Good luck. 306 00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:47,119 -Do not wear that, please. -What am I doing? 307 00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:49,205 Just take this. This is what you're doing. 308 00:20:49,372 --> 00:20:53,042 Clean the pipes. It's mandatory to flush them out after a relationship. 309 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,711 That's disgusting. But seriously, what's wrong with me? 310 00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:57,463 Dustin's a good guy. 311 00:20:57,631 --> 00:21:00,216 -You're such a fucking girl sometimes. -Pretty good guy. 312 00:21:00,383 --> 00:21:01,842 A good guy? Who cares? 313 00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:05,679 A good guy is, like, somebody that your parents dig or-- 314 00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:09,391 -Listen to me. In the real world.... Ami. -I'm listening. 315 00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:12,186 -In the real world.... -Yes. 316 00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:15,898 What if he's a good man with a good heart... 317 00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:19,151 ...and he's smart? And if he's not too rough on the eyes...? 318 00:21:19,319 --> 00:21:23,697 If "ifs" and "buts" were cocks and nuts, I'd be getting gangbanged right now. 319 00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:27,368 Seriously. But it's that I wanna teach you something that took me, like... 320 00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:29,954 ...years and years of promiscuity to learn, okay? 321 00:21:30,121 --> 00:21:31,956 -What is this outfit? -It's aweso-- 322 00:21:32,123 --> 00:21:33,958 Hey, how many guys have you slept with? 323 00:21:34,125 --> 00:21:36,919 -Like, total? Three, right? -Two. 324 00:21:38,755 --> 00:21:41,090 -Two? -I'm a serial monogamist. 325 00:21:41,258 --> 00:21:45,302 Well, okay. That's, like, the first big, huge problem right there. 326 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:48,472 Didn't anybody ever tell you that you have to suck a few frogs... 327 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,433 ...before you get to suck a prince? 328 00:21:51,601 --> 00:21:53,602 I believe it's "kiss." 329 00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:55,563 Pretend it's a year abroad, you know? 330 00:21:55,730 --> 00:22:00,401 But instead of going to Europe, you're gonna bang a whole shitload of dudes. 331 00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:03,195 -It's awesome. -I haven't been drunk in a long time. 332 00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:05,614 Good. You need it. You need it. 333 00:22:05,782 --> 00:22:09,076 Now tell me something. What do you see in this box? 334 00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:14,331 -I see into the-- -No, in the box. 335 00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:17,334 An inordinate amount of masturbatory aides... 336 00:22:17,502 --> 00:22:21,547 ...which some, I pray, are novelty-sized. 337 00:22:23,091 --> 00:22:25,718 Oh, my God. 338 00:22:26,303 --> 00:22:29,013 Okay, that will do nicely. 339 00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:31,640 -You, show her a good time tonight. -I love you. 340 00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:33,392 -Show her a good time. -I love you. 341 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,811 -Such a good time. Love you. -Have a great night. 342 00:22:35,979 --> 00:22:37,271 Don't be scared without me. 343 00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:40,274 -I'll be back. I'll be back. -Yeah. I'll be waiting-- 344 00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:43,527 -She's my roommate. -I bet she gives great head. 345 00:22:43,695 --> 00:22:46,155 Actually, I'm sure she does. 346 00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:47,907 You're pretty drunk. 347 00:22:48,074 --> 00:22:50,784 I'm pretty ready to rock. 348 00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:55,122 Oh, boy. 349 00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:57,958 Tank, is this a Mustang? 350 00:22:58,126 --> 00:22:59,501 It's a GTO. 351 00:23:00,211 --> 00:23:04,632 -A-- Whatever that means. -Yeah. 352 00:23:05,508 --> 00:23:09,011 Well, listen, I just wanna warn you, my stereo's busted. 353 00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:11,680 Oh, that's cool. That's cool. 354 00:23:15,852 --> 00:23:20,689 Hey, this is my-- I almost lost my virginity to this song. 355 00:23:32,786 --> 00:23:35,663 -Let's go. -Yeah, let's go. 356 00:23:37,832 --> 00:23:41,126 -This is a first, Tank. -Yeah, me too. 357 00:23:41,294 --> 00:23:44,046 Should we sit front row and center? 358 00:23:46,257 --> 00:23:48,092 Oh, wild. 359 00:23:49,511 --> 00:23:51,470 Yeah, can we get two Long Island Iced Teas? 360 00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,847 And put the chop-chop on that, lady. 361 00:23:54,015 --> 00:23:57,518 Could you make mine a double? And two shots of tequila, please. 362 00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:04,984 Okay, let's slow down, princess. 363 00:24:05,151 --> 00:24:08,070 You're getting sloshed like it's your prom night here. 364 00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:12,449 -I never went to prom. I never went. -No shock there. I believe that. 365 00:24:12,617 --> 00:24:14,451 I had the date, I had the dress. 366 00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:17,287 But prom was the night my dog bit my sister in the neck... 367 00:24:17,455 --> 00:24:19,206 -...and we had to put him down. -Shit. 368 00:24:19,374 --> 00:24:22,084 And I will never-- Oh, my goodness. 369 00:24:22,252 --> 00:24:24,878 --ever forget the horror in little Fraggle's eyes... 370 00:24:25,046 --> 00:24:28,090 ...as his paw went limp in my hand. 371 00:24:28,258 --> 00:24:31,051 It was horrible. Blood. It was just, like: 372 00:24:31,219 --> 00:24:34,221 I'm sure that's not the only thing that's gone limp in your hand. 373 00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:37,266 I will say it. In all sincerity, that sucks hard. 374 00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:39,351 It's sad to lose a pet. 375 00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:41,311 Where do they learn how to do this? 376 00:24:41,479 --> 00:24:44,606 -Well, I taught them a few things. -I wanna know. 377 00:24:48,445 --> 00:24:50,571 That's incredible. 378 00:24:52,615 --> 00:24:54,700 What is that? 379 00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:58,120 -What is that? -I think we should just fuck tonight. 380 00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:15,763 That looks pretty. 381 00:25:15,930 --> 00:25:18,223 -I'm gonna go pee. -Got it. 382 00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:22,061 Hey, I can't talk. 383 00:25:22,228 --> 00:25:24,813 -Where are you? -I'm out, I'm seeing a band. 384 00:25:24,981 --> 00:25:27,608 They suck, but I'm seeing them so I really can't talk. 385 00:25:27,776 --> 00:25:30,944 -Put your "Guitar Hero" down. -What the fuck are you talking about? 386 00:25:31,112 --> 00:25:34,323 I'm not playing "Guitar Hero." It's Saturday night. I'm out. 387 00:25:34,491 --> 00:25:36,909 Just put it down. We have problems. 388 00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:38,368 All right. What's the story? 389 00:25:38,536 --> 00:25:43,040 I am drunk and he's either the biggest asshole in America... 390 00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:46,168 ...or trying to convince me he's the biggest asshole in America. 391 00:25:46,336 --> 00:25:50,339 Either way, even a broken clock is right twice a day, but this guy-- 392 00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:53,175 Come on. How better to appreciate Dustin than to do this? 393 00:25:53,343 --> 00:25:55,844 Than to bang this guy, who's obviously far inferior... 394 00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:59,056 ...but probably hung like Seabiscuit. Right? 395 00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:03,060 Now go. Go and bang. Bang like you have never "bung" before. 396 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:05,813 And do it for Dustin. 397 00:26:07,690 --> 00:26:09,108 Jesus. 398 00:26:09,275 --> 00:26:11,693 -Baby doll.... -Hi. 399 00:26:11,861 --> 00:26:13,195 -Hi. -I'm Alexis. 400 00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:15,239 -Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you too. 401 00:26:15,406 --> 00:26:19,034 And when it comes to love, there's only one thing you can trust. 402 00:26:19,202 --> 00:26:22,204 It's not your friends, it's not your head. 403 00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:25,791 It's that little voice inside your clamburger. 404 00:26:29,629 --> 00:26:31,922 "Listen to me." 405 00:26:40,598 --> 00:26:43,225 Watch this. It's a game. It's called "Who's at the Door?" 406 00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:45,269 And I look out the peephole. 407 00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,396 It's the mailman. 408 00:26:52,026 --> 00:26:55,070 Would it hurt you to play with her tits? Help me out. 409 00:26:57,365 --> 00:26:59,032 You can stay there. That's good. 410 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,618 Oh, you grab that. I'll get the next one. 411 00:27:01,786 --> 00:27:04,163 -There won't be a next time. -Lucky me. 412 00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:14,423 And our motto, basically, is, "Without air, we--" 413 00:27:14,591 --> 00:27:17,092 "Without air, we cannot live." 414 00:27:17,635 --> 00:27:18,677 -Stop. -Right. 415 00:27:18,845 --> 00:27:21,346 I get it. You're a dick. 416 00:27:21,514 --> 00:27:23,932 I'm sufficiently offended. 417 00:27:24,267 --> 00:27:25,893 Done. 418 00:27:48,499 --> 00:27:51,376 Coming up? 419 00:28:03,932 --> 00:28:05,891 Suit yourself. 420 00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:10,938 Enjoy the long ride home. 421 00:28:18,321 --> 00:28:19,613 I'm going home, okay? 422 00:28:19,781 --> 00:28:21,782 Why am I going home? Because I'm going home. 423 00:28:22,742 --> 00:28:26,161 I'm getting in the car. Eyes in the game and the head in the ball. 424 00:28:26,329 --> 00:28:28,121 Can't do it. 425 00:28:28,289 --> 00:28:32,000 And you're gonna go home and maybe she'll call you manana. 426 00:28:32,168 --> 00:28:34,044 Why would she call me? She'll call Dusty. 427 00:28:34,212 --> 00:28:37,214 Because she's what? Dusty's girlfriend. Follow the bouncing ball. 428 00:28:37,382 --> 00:28:40,092 She is Dusty's girlfriend. 429 00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:42,719 Listen to me. 430 00:28:46,099 --> 00:28:50,018 What is wrong with you, asshole? 431 00:29:02,907 --> 00:29:08,578 You asked me to trust you. 432 00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:12,332 -And I trusted you. -Done. 433 00:29:12,834 --> 00:29:14,001 Somehow. 434 00:29:14,168 --> 00:29:15,877 Some way. 435 00:29:18,298 --> 00:29:19,840 Thank you. 436 00:29:24,679 --> 00:29:26,388 Dude, you did it. She just called. 437 00:29:26,556 --> 00:29:29,266 Okay, quote, "I just had the worst night of my life." 438 00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:32,060 "I just had the worst night of my life." You did it, man. 439 00:29:32,228 --> 00:29:35,772 We're having lunch tomorrow. Tank, we're having lunch. Can you believe it? 440 00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:39,109 Dude, when it comes to being an asshole, you are a genius. 441 00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:41,236 Genius. 442 00:29:44,365 --> 00:29:45,949 Anything for a friend. 443 00:29:47,452 --> 00:29:50,829 So about the other night. 444 00:29:50,997 --> 00:29:53,040 Okay, I was stupid. I was stupid. 445 00:29:53,207 --> 00:29:56,960 It's just-- I've never gone this far with a girl, emotionally. 446 00:29:57,128 --> 00:29:59,087 -And I just lost it. -Slow down. Slow down. 447 00:29:59,255 --> 00:30:01,340 I was stupid and harsh... 448 00:30:01,507 --> 00:30:02,966 ...and I'm sorry. 449 00:30:03,134 --> 00:30:06,470 Last night I went out with a real asshole. Horrible. 450 00:30:06,637 --> 00:30:09,222 It just made me realize that guys like you are so rare. 451 00:30:11,559 --> 00:30:14,019 But it also made me realize how few guys I've dated. 452 00:30:14,187 --> 00:30:16,229 How few guys I've actually gone out with. 453 00:30:16,397 --> 00:30:18,940 Like, none. I need to date and you need to date... 454 00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:22,027 ...other people. I'm just saying that-- 455 00:30:22,195 --> 00:30:26,490 What I'm trying to say is that I wanna start over as friends first. 456 00:30:26,657 --> 00:30:29,117 Like, be friends. 457 00:30:29,285 --> 00:30:31,661 I like you as my friend. 458 00:30:38,503 --> 00:30:40,295 Start over... 459 00:30:40,463 --> 00:30:42,672 -...as friends first. -Friends. 460 00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:44,841 Like Harry and Sally. 461 00:30:48,221 --> 00:30:51,807 I think the point of that movie was that men and women can't just be friends. 462 00:30:51,974 --> 00:30:54,935 No, no, no, they can be just friends... 463 00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:57,938 ...even date other people, as long as they end up together... 464 00:30:58,106 --> 00:31:00,899 ...in the end. As long as they end up together, right? 465 00:31:01,067 --> 00:31:02,234 Yeah. 466 00:31:02,402 --> 00:31:08,115 This is fun. You know, I'm gonna go because my sister is getting married. 467 00:31:08,282 --> 00:31:10,283 It's an on-again, off-again, on-again thing. 468 00:31:10,451 --> 00:31:14,204 She's freaking out, treating me like her assistant so I'm running all over. 469 00:31:14,372 --> 00:31:16,873 I'm really glad we had this talk, you know? 470 00:31:19,460 --> 00:31:21,962 Dude. You check out that sandwich they got downstairs? 471 00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:24,423 Bread is, like, two slices of freaking pizza, man. 472 00:31:24,590 --> 00:31:25,882 Only in America. Fuck me. 473 00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:29,553 Clean air probably shouldn't stink like flaming ass nougat. 474 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,680 I got a real fucking tough guy over here. 475 00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:35,308 I got a guy on the verge of a five-state killing spree. Do you wanna...? 476 00:31:35,476 --> 00:31:37,644 Ready? Three, two, one. 477 00:31:37,812 --> 00:31:40,856 -Let me transfer you to my supervisor. -Let me transfer you to my supervisor. 478 00:31:41,023 --> 00:31:43,400 -Make me proud. -Kill it. 479 00:31:43,985 --> 00:31:46,069 Hi, this is Supervisor Eugene Lenay. 480 00:31:46,237 --> 00:31:48,155 -How may I help you? -How may I help you? 481 00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:51,491 -Please hold. -Please hold. 482 00:31:54,328 --> 00:31:56,496 Treat her like a bowling ball. 483 00:31:56,664 --> 00:31:57,998 Strike. 484 00:31:58,166 --> 00:31:59,833 Dust, hold on one second, all right? 485 00:32:00,001 --> 00:32:03,170 Sir, I looked into the problem and it'll actually fix itself. 486 00:32:03,337 --> 00:32:04,963 -What's up, kid? -You failed, Tank. 487 00:32:05,131 --> 00:32:07,007 She wants to see other people. 488 00:32:07,175 --> 00:32:08,967 She said she wants to see other people? 489 00:32:09,135 --> 00:32:11,678 She did. That's why you're gonna take her out again. 490 00:32:11,846 --> 00:32:14,431 Except this time, you're gonna get seriously diabolical. 491 00:32:14,599 --> 00:32:17,017 I'm talking public defecation. 492 00:32:17,185 --> 00:32:20,770 Dust, you're freaking me out here, okay? Tank-ing is a subtle art. 493 00:32:20,938 --> 00:32:23,690 You can't go in there crazy like a dragon with a hemorrhoid. 494 00:32:23,858 --> 00:32:26,943 Besides, what makes you think she'd ever wanna speak to me again? 495 00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:30,030 Don't worry, I'm taking care of that. 496 00:32:30,198 --> 00:32:32,532 No, you're not. You do-- Dust. 497 00:32:32,867 --> 00:32:34,367 Don't do anything, okay? Listen. 498 00:32:35,036 --> 00:32:38,705 I have to teach a training seminar 10 minutes ago. Dusty? 499 00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:42,167 All right. 500 00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:46,254 -You're late, Tank. -I know. 501 00:32:47,173 --> 00:32:48,798 -You're Tank, right? -Are you a cop? 502 00:32:48,966 --> 00:32:51,801 No, Roger's friend Sonny said you fix things. 503 00:32:51,969 --> 00:32:53,136 Walk with me. 504 00:32:53,304 --> 00:32:54,387 -You're late. -Thank you. 505 00:32:54,555 --> 00:32:57,766 I'm going crazy without her. Shit-in-the-bed-and-roll-around crazy. 506 00:32:57,934 --> 00:32:59,017 -You're late. -Shut up. 507 00:32:59,185 --> 00:33:01,561 Okay, religious girl. How do I bump into her? 508 00:33:01,729 --> 00:33:02,854 -You're late. -No shit. 509 00:33:03,022 --> 00:33:04,856 She's a high-school English teacher. 510 00:33:05,024 --> 00:33:08,235 Guy can't really hang around a high school these days, unfortunately. 511 00:33:08,402 --> 00:33:10,362 -She gets her hair done Tuesdays. -Love it. 512 00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:14,199 What'd you do? Foot in your mouth? Foot-long in somebody's mouth? Facts. 513 00:33:14,367 --> 00:33:17,661 Let's say you're gonna have to be a real asshole to make me look good. 514 00:33:17,828 --> 00:33:19,329 It's what I do. 515 00:33:19,497 --> 00:33:21,748 -You're late. -Yes. 516 00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,167 Everybody, you're late. Don't let it happen again. 517 00:33:24,335 --> 00:33:25,669 I'm Tank and I will be brief. 518 00:33:25,836 --> 00:33:28,255 Here at Airmeister we have two rules. 519 00:33:28,422 --> 00:33:30,423 No refunds. 520 00:33:30,591 --> 00:33:34,594 The beauty of an air purifier is that nobody can prove that it doesn't work. 521 00:33:34,762 --> 00:33:38,098 Amanda, you saucy tart. I want somebody really pissed off. 522 00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:40,600 I'm talking about DEFCON 2 level of anger. 523 00:33:40,768 --> 00:33:42,102 Who do you got for me, baby? 524 00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:46,314 I have just the one for you. She's furious and asked for you by name. 525 00:33:46,482 --> 00:33:48,066 Put her through. 526 00:33:50,570 --> 00:33:54,531 Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction. How may I help you? 527 00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:56,616 Before we even discuss what I received... 528 00:33:56,784 --> 00:33:58,535 ...which is a whole other mystery... 529 00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:00,620 ...I demand an explanation for yesterday. 530 00:34:00,788 --> 00:34:03,832 Ma'am, I'm fully concerned. What happened yesterday? 531 00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:06,126 Are you gay? Or are you just an asshole? 532 00:34:06,294 --> 00:34:11,006 Oh, ma'am. Profanity is superfluous because no verbal affront... 533 00:34:11,173 --> 00:34:14,384 ...could be as devastating to me as your dissatisfaction. 534 00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:17,429 -Dissatisfaction? -Yes, I mean if the unit's performance... 535 00:34:17,597 --> 00:34:20,724 ...or lack thereof has left you frustrated-- 536 00:34:20,891 --> 00:34:24,227 See, I never saw your unit. I gave you a chance and you didn't deliver. 537 00:34:24,395 --> 00:34:26,146 Ma'am, you're upset. 538 00:34:26,314 --> 00:34:30,275 I'm upset. I'm upset that you will never, ever know what it's like... 539 00:34:30,443 --> 00:34:34,362 ...to sit on a hot, sweaty summer night... 540 00:34:34,530 --> 00:34:38,325 ...and let that unit blow its glorious bounty all over your face. 541 00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:41,453 You think after the shit you put me through... 542 00:34:41,621 --> 00:34:45,415 ...that I called just so you could talk dirty to me? 543 00:34:45,583 --> 00:34:48,168 I gave you a one-time free hall pass for sex. 544 00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:49,878 Good sex. Hot sex. 545 00:34:50,046 --> 00:34:52,922 I-- I-- I fucking roofied myself. 546 00:34:55,009 --> 00:34:56,426 I'm a little confused. Amanda? 547 00:34:56,594 --> 00:34:58,428 You're confused? That makes two of us... 548 00:34:58,596 --> 00:35:01,723 ...because I don't know what kind of asshole acts like an asshole... 549 00:35:01,891 --> 00:35:05,977 ...and then when it actually comes time to be an asshole, walks away. 550 00:35:06,145 --> 00:35:08,021 Like a total asshole. 551 00:35:08,189 --> 00:35:10,857 Making me look like an even bigger asshole... 552 00:35:11,025 --> 00:35:16,279 ...for offering some big-ass asshole asshole-sex in the first place. 553 00:35:16,447 --> 00:35:18,490 What kind of asshole are you? 554 00:35:20,951 --> 00:35:23,203 This is actually a personal call. 555 00:35:23,412 --> 00:35:25,205 Dude, you are so hired. 556 00:35:25,623 --> 00:35:27,540 Excuse me for a second. 557 00:35:27,875 --> 00:35:29,292 Shit. 558 00:35:29,710 --> 00:35:31,002 Asshole. 559 00:35:46,018 --> 00:35:48,687 Sorry. Offer expired. 560 00:35:54,777 --> 00:35:59,322 Did you really think roses and a poem would give you a second chance? 561 00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:01,908 You rhymed "apology" with "apologetically." 562 00:36:02,076 --> 00:36:04,494 -I'm-- -I just felt bad, okay? 563 00:36:04,662 --> 00:36:06,663 You're right, I do owe you an explanation. 564 00:36:06,831 --> 00:36:09,374 I didn't sleep with you because you're not attractive. 565 00:36:09,542 --> 00:36:10,917 -There, I said it. -Oh, thanks. 566 00:36:11,085 --> 00:36:13,169 Thank you so much because you saved me... 567 00:36:13,337 --> 00:36:15,964 ...from what could've been the worst decision of my life. 568 00:36:16,132 --> 00:36:18,258 -And I've eaten sushi in Tijuana. -One-nothing. 569 00:36:18,426 --> 00:36:21,094 You're below my standards. Even for a one-night pity fuck. 570 00:36:21,262 --> 00:36:25,432 -And I've taken down some real hogs. -Yeah, hogs, cows, sheep. 571 00:36:25,599 --> 00:36:28,059 I bet your sex life is a regular heavy-petting zoo. 572 00:36:28,227 --> 00:36:30,437 You know what? You're what we call a two-bagger. 573 00:36:30,604 --> 00:36:32,647 That means I have to wear a bag on my head... 574 00:36:32,815 --> 00:36:35,150 ...just in case the one on yours breaks. 575 00:36:35,609 --> 00:36:37,318 You sure it's not just a size thing? 576 00:36:37,486 --> 00:36:41,322 Because it's gotta be tough standing at a urinal, pissing on your own testicles. 577 00:36:41,490 --> 00:36:43,450 At least I can hide my shame in my pants. 578 00:36:43,617 --> 00:36:45,326 What really sucks is having an ass... 579 00:36:45,494 --> 00:36:49,122 ...the size of a miniature Mediterranean donkey. That suck-- 580 00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:51,666 -Don't-- -You think that's too big? 581 00:36:51,834 --> 00:36:54,169 You think that's too small? 582 00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:15,023 So you said do nothing, but I did something, totally small. 583 00:37:15,191 --> 00:37:18,401 I sent her a couple hundred bucks worth of roses and a kick-ass poem. 584 00:37:18,569 --> 00:37:20,445 A few stanzas, no big deal. Did she call? 585 00:37:20,863 --> 00:37:22,113 No, she didn't. 586 00:37:22,281 --> 00:37:25,158 Dusty, these women, they have a way of getting into our head. 587 00:37:25,326 --> 00:37:27,327 I'm gonna give you some fresh perspective. 588 00:37:27,495 --> 00:37:29,537 Listen to me. This girl, I'm getting a hunch. 589 00:37:29,705 --> 00:37:30,997 She's built for destruction. 590 00:37:31,248 --> 00:37:34,000 It's time to let her go. Maybe get some-- You know. 591 00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:35,502 Just let her go. Move on. 592 00:37:35,669 --> 00:37:38,338 I love her, Tank. I care more about this girl than I do myself. 593 00:37:38,506 --> 00:37:40,882 -You will never understand that. -It's new to me. 594 00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:43,301 She said she wants to be friends. 595 00:37:45,262 --> 00:37:48,431 You know what? I'll give her a friend. 596 00:37:48,891 --> 00:37:50,266 I'll be the best goddamn friend she ever had. 597 00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:22,757 Today was a good day for us. 598 00:38:22,925 --> 00:38:25,301 We made eye contact, although I couldn't gauge-- 599 00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:27,762 I gotta run. 600 00:38:39,525 --> 00:38:40,525 Turn. 601 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:49,826 She's really tough to read. 602 00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:51,369 Really tough to read. 603 00:38:51,537 --> 00:38:55,915 I felt like.... I felt like she was a bit distracted. 604 00:38:58,335 --> 00:39:00,670 Totally. Hey, can we do this later? 605 00:39:36,624 --> 00:39:38,458 It's hot. 606 00:39:43,130 --> 00:39:44,797 Where you going? 607 00:40:08,197 --> 00:40:10,448 She's seeing someone. 608 00:40:12,660 --> 00:40:14,035 Dusty. 609 00:40:14,203 --> 00:40:16,788 What are you doing? You're scaring the shit out of me. 610 00:40:16,955 --> 00:40:19,582 Sitting in the dark like a vampire, you creepy weirdo. 611 00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:21,793 She's seeing someone. 612 00:40:22,878 --> 00:40:26,464 We don't go out at night. I get her voice mail after 10. 613 00:40:26,632 --> 00:40:28,675 She's seeing someone. 614 00:40:28,842 --> 00:40:31,552 -And I'm gonna find out who. -I'm gonna take back "weirdo." 615 00:40:31,720 --> 00:40:34,305 You're giving off more of a full-blown serial psycho... 616 00:40:34,473 --> 00:40:36,349 ...crawlspace-full-of-skin-sombreros vibe. 617 00:40:36,517 --> 00:40:37,850 Stop. Intervention time. 618 00:40:38,018 --> 00:40:40,561 It's time to forget about Alexis. Look at me, all right? 619 00:40:40,729 --> 00:40:45,483 It's time to wipe the cobwebs off your cock and stick something. 620 00:40:45,776 --> 00:40:47,610 I don't think she'd be cool with that. 621 00:40:47,778 --> 00:40:51,280 Look at me, please. You definitely-- You don't need her permission. 622 00:40:51,448 --> 00:40:52,657 You need to get laid. 623 00:40:52,825 --> 00:40:55,618 And if you'll listen to me, I bet I could make that happen. 624 00:40:55,786 --> 00:40:59,080 This is one of the most important things that any man can do. 625 00:40:59,248 --> 00:41:00,748 A haircut? 626 00:41:01,166 --> 00:41:03,126 Yes, Dusty, a haircut. Look at me. 627 00:41:03,293 --> 00:41:05,628 You look like Chewbacca and Sasquatch had a baby... 628 00:41:05,796 --> 00:41:08,214 ...the baby took a shit, and that shit was blinded... 629 00:41:08,382 --> 00:41:10,091 ...moments before styling your hair. 630 00:41:10,259 --> 00:41:13,136 -A bit harsh. -Appointment for Dusty, please. 631 00:41:13,303 --> 00:41:15,012 Grab a seat. 632 00:41:16,849 --> 00:41:19,392 Great article. I've read that. Sorry to interrupt. 633 00:41:20,602 --> 00:41:23,187 My associate here is looking for a stylist he can trust. 634 00:41:23,355 --> 00:41:27,608 And this place was recommended to us by a woman in our prayer group. 635 00:41:28,235 --> 00:41:30,653 Well, is he looking for something simple or...? 636 00:41:30,821 --> 00:41:33,489 Maybe a what-would-Jesus-'do. 637 00:41:37,244 --> 00:41:39,829 -I'm Hilary. -Hilary, my name is Tank. 638 00:41:39,997 --> 00:41:41,914 -This is Dustin. -Hi. 639 00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:47,170 So I've got an $85 haircut so you could have a meet-cute? 640 00:41:47,337 --> 00:41:49,338 Oh, it's $110. Worth every penny. 641 00:41:49,506 --> 00:41:51,424 In return, I'm gonna get you a date with-- 642 00:41:51,592 --> 00:41:55,386 Let's just call her a confidence booster. A slow, fat one down the middle. 643 00:41:55,554 --> 00:41:57,138 I hope that's a baseball metaphor. 644 00:41:57,306 --> 00:42:00,433 This pitch is in your wheelhouse. Grand slam, upper deck. Game over. 645 00:42:00,601 --> 00:42:03,227 -Hey, beauty queen. -Hey, I have a question. I'm sorry. 646 00:42:03,395 --> 00:42:05,480 I've got these little-- Is there any way--? 647 00:42:05,647 --> 00:42:07,440 Yeah. 648 00:42:08,567 --> 00:42:10,109 -Shit. -I'm so sorry. 649 00:42:10,277 --> 00:42:12,653 No, I'm sorry. Sorry. 650 00:42:12,821 --> 00:42:16,616 -Is there any other way we could--? -Yeah, okay. 651 00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:19,285 Guess what. We're all set for tonight. 652 00:42:19,912 --> 00:42:21,662 Okay, hold still. 653 00:42:22,998 --> 00:42:26,167 What about, like, frosting my tips? 654 00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:27,627 What are you, a Mini-Wheat? 655 00:42:27,795 --> 00:42:30,713 Listen, this girl's not Alexis. She's got a bed built for sex... 656 00:42:30,881 --> 00:42:33,007 -...not stuffed animals. -Wait, what? 657 00:42:33,175 --> 00:42:36,135 How do you know that Alexis has stuffed animals on her bed? 658 00:42:45,562 --> 00:42:46,604 -Wait. -Oh, my. 659 00:42:46,772 --> 00:42:49,482 -Fuck. -Oh, my God-- 660 00:42:49,650 --> 00:42:52,109 This stuff happens in salons. Sometimes it's fixable. 661 00:42:52,277 --> 00:42:54,278 -Tell him it's fixable. -I'm gonna throw up. 662 00:42:54,446 --> 00:42:56,280 Makeup, little shading, maybe some glue. 663 00:42:56,448 --> 00:42:57,907 How about an eyebrow toupee? 664 00:42:58,075 --> 00:43:00,243 -Where's my eyebrow? -I don't know what to say. 665 00:43:00,410 --> 00:43:03,329 Oh, God, kill me. Kill me. Kill me! Where's my eyebrow? 666 00:43:03,497 --> 00:43:04,580 That's a new look. 667 00:43:04,748 --> 00:43:07,583 -You can fix it, right? -Sure, just pop into my DeLorean. 668 00:43:07,751 --> 00:43:09,460 -It's in the back. -Don't be a bitch. 669 00:43:09,628 --> 00:43:12,672 -You're the bitch, bitch. -Hey, gossip girls. Focus on my friend. 670 00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:15,508 -He's follicly deformed. -Fuck my fucking mother. 671 00:43:15,676 --> 00:43:19,262 Let's come up with this-- Dusty, unless one's missing, nobody's gonna notice. 672 00:43:19,429 --> 00:43:20,555 Yeah. 673 00:43:20,722 --> 00:43:24,517 -Come here. Come here, sit down. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 674 00:43:25,143 --> 00:43:27,228 You gotta be brave, man. 675 00:43:28,230 --> 00:43:30,022 Oh, my God. 676 00:43:30,607 --> 00:43:32,483 -Do it. It's good. -Come on. It's gonna-- 677 00:43:32,651 --> 00:43:35,027 You know what? I think it's gonna look great. 678 00:43:35,195 --> 00:43:38,573 -Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -It's gonna be really hot. 679 00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:41,659 -It better be hot. -Yeah. 680 00:43:44,705 --> 00:43:46,455 Fuck. 681 00:43:47,165 --> 00:43:49,834 Bad, bad times. 682 00:43:51,628 --> 00:43:53,462 Oh, my fucking shit. 683 00:43:55,215 --> 00:43:56,841 I'm coming. 684 00:43:59,553 --> 00:44:01,971 Oh, those are lovely. 685 00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:06,559 And I see you've got a hairstyle change. 686 00:44:06,727 --> 00:44:09,604 -True. -Come on. I won't bite. 687 00:44:09,771 --> 00:44:12,023 I'm sorry, I was-- 688 00:44:13,817 --> 00:44:15,902 They told me you were taller. 689 00:44:17,195 --> 00:44:19,739 Just for peace of mind, the father of this child is...? 690 00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:23,492 In the middle of a brutal divorce with the mother of this child. 691 00:44:23,660 --> 00:44:24,702 Here you go. 692 00:44:24,870 --> 00:44:27,163 Lilies. Thoughtful. 693 00:44:28,874 --> 00:44:30,666 My friend said he was one of the good guys. 694 00:44:30,918 --> 00:44:34,337 I've been known to be a bit of a dog sometimes. 695 00:44:35,255 --> 00:44:36,714 -Should I take those? -Oh, yes. 696 00:44:38,342 --> 00:44:40,384 I'm sorry, sitter's running a bit late. 697 00:44:40,552 --> 00:44:43,346 Can I get you something to drink, cutie? 698 00:44:45,265 --> 00:44:47,099 I'll have what he's having. 699 00:44:47,267 --> 00:44:49,685 -What the fuck? -What just happened? 700 00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:52,271 -He just said he wants-- -I just, I said-- 701 00:44:52,439 --> 00:44:54,649 He looked at Liam, licked his lips and said: 702 00:44:54,816 --> 00:44:57,401 -"I'll have what he's having." -Okay, but what I meant-- 703 00:44:57,569 --> 00:44:58,778 You wanna breast-feed. 704 00:44:58,946 --> 00:45:00,279 I was just joking-- 705 00:45:00,447 --> 00:45:01,864 -Can we just start over? -Hi. 706 00:45:02,032 --> 00:45:05,660 -I just wanna start-- -Sorry, Laney, we don't need a sitter. 707 00:45:05,827 --> 00:45:08,913 Groucho here made a mark about suckling at my teat... 708 00:45:09,081 --> 00:45:11,290 ...and stealing my baby's milk... 709 00:45:11,458 --> 00:45:13,626 -...and is consequently leaving. -Okay. 710 00:45:13,794 --> 00:45:16,003 -Get the fuck out! -Okay, I'm really sorry. 711 00:45:16,171 --> 00:45:18,464 -I'm just-- I'm sorry. -No. No more. Just get out. 712 00:45:18,632 --> 00:45:21,175 -I'm really sorry. -Go, go. 713 00:45:22,260 --> 00:45:23,803 Come here. 714 00:45:28,642 --> 00:45:31,102 You got shot down... 715 00:45:31,269 --> 00:45:34,313 ...in a blaze of glory. 716 00:45:35,148 --> 00:45:37,149 You cost me a job, man. 717 00:45:37,317 --> 00:45:41,404 I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. How much...? 718 00:45:41,571 --> 00:45:44,365 -Forty-- Fifty if it's past 11 . -Okay. 719 00:45:44,533 --> 00:45:47,660 Here's 60 for your trouble. I'm really sorry. 720 00:45:47,828 --> 00:45:49,578 Sweet. 721 00:45:49,746 --> 00:45:53,582 Hey, for another 60, I'll jerk you off in the parking garage. 722 00:45:54,459 --> 00:45:58,170 Jesus. Do I really look that desperate? 723 00:46:25,991 --> 00:46:30,286 Alexis! 724 00:46:31,246 --> 00:46:32,955 Alexis, I love you! 725 00:46:33,415 --> 00:46:37,334 I love you, Alexis. I can't just be friends, okay? 726 00:46:37,878 --> 00:46:40,129 Alexis, come to the door. 727 00:46:42,466 --> 00:46:44,216 Come on. 728 00:46:45,218 --> 00:46:46,302 -Oh, Dobler. -Hey, hey. 729 00:46:46,470 --> 00:46:50,389 Hi there. I'm so sorry, your BFF's upstairs with another guy. 730 00:46:50,807 --> 00:46:53,142 Holy shit, what is going on with your eyebrows? 731 00:46:53,310 --> 00:46:57,188 -Seriously, I think there's something-- -I'm sorry. She's got a guy up there? 732 00:46:57,355 --> 00:47:00,149 But they're just hanging out, right? Is she seeing this guy? 733 00:47:00,317 --> 00:47:02,443 No, no, no. No, no, just an occasional bang. 734 00:47:02,611 --> 00:47:05,071 No, no. God, no. How many times have they gone out? 735 00:47:05,238 --> 00:47:08,365 -How many times have they--? Not-- -They don't go out ever. 736 00:47:08,533 --> 00:47:11,410 No, he just comes over and he bangs, and then he leaves. 737 00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:14,038 -What? -You know, she's doing this all for you. 738 00:47:14,206 --> 00:47:17,708 Think about it. She's up there with her knees by her ears, getting railed... 739 00:47:17,876 --> 00:47:20,586 ...so one day she can settle down with a nice boy like you. 740 00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:22,296 -I love her. I love her. -Dustin. 741 00:47:22,464 --> 00:47:25,341 -You'd better be ready. I'm serious. -Alexis. 742 00:47:25,675 --> 00:47:28,052 Alexis. Ale-- 743 00:47:31,306 --> 00:47:34,183 Dustin, what are you doing here? 744 00:47:35,018 --> 00:47:37,436 -What is he doing here? -Well, this is my-- 745 00:47:37,604 --> 00:47:39,396 It's Tank. 746 00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:44,068 -This is the guy you're with? -No, I'm not with anyone. 747 00:47:44,236 --> 00:47:46,070 I'm not-- We're not together. 748 00:47:46,238 --> 00:47:49,031 I mean, no offense, Tank, but we're not.... 749 00:47:49,241 --> 00:47:51,867 I told you. I told you that I was gonna get out there... 750 00:47:52,035 --> 00:47:54,870 ...and I was gonna see other people and I was gonna date... 751 00:47:55,038 --> 00:47:57,039 ...and get some experience under my belt... 752 00:47:57,207 --> 00:48:01,293 ...and live my life a little bit. For once in my life, do something like that... 753 00:48:01,461 --> 00:48:03,712 ...and that's exactly what I'm doing. 754 00:48:06,883 --> 00:48:08,843 -Should I go? -Yes. 755 00:48:09,344 --> 00:48:10,553 -I'm gonna go. -No, no, no. 756 00:48:10,720 --> 00:48:11,720 -Yeah. Yeah. -Tank. 757 00:48:11,888 --> 00:48:14,348 -You know what? I'll go. -No, you don't go, you stay. 758 00:48:14,516 --> 00:48:17,852 I should get going, I have a big day tomorrow. My roommate's moving out. 759 00:48:18,019 --> 00:48:19,061 I have shit to do too. 760 00:48:19,229 --> 00:48:20,396 -Really? -Bye. 761 00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:22,648 -I'll call you later. -I'll call you later. 762 00:48:22,816 --> 00:48:24,150 -No, after you. -No, you go. 763 00:48:24,317 --> 00:48:26,110 No, no, please, Tank. You go first. 764 00:48:26,278 --> 00:48:27,903 -All right. -Fine. 765 00:48:31,575 --> 00:48:33,951 -How can I trust you? -I don't know. 766 00:48:34,119 --> 00:48:37,913 Hey, I wasn't kidding. You're out by tomorrow morning. 767 00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:41,917 Dusty.... 768 00:48:52,095 --> 00:48:53,846 I thought so. 769 00:48:59,519 --> 00:49:02,271 So we remember the words of Betty Friedan: 770 00:49:02,522 --> 00:49:06,692 "A woman has got to be able to say, and not feel guilty: 771 00:49:08,111 --> 00:49:09,778 'Who am I... 772 00:49:10,739 --> 00:49:13,365 ...and what do I want out of life?"' 773 00:49:14,117 --> 00:49:16,660 That's why my Women's Studies program will be focused... 774 00:49:16,828 --> 00:49:21,457 ...on the liberation, celebration and exploration... 775 00:49:25,170 --> 00:49:26,587 ...of you... 776 00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:31,800 ...and you... 777 00:49:34,763 --> 00:49:36,388 ...and you. 778 00:49:38,183 --> 00:49:42,144 Enjoy your weekend, and please try to do so responsibly. 779 00:49:45,023 --> 00:49:47,900 The man is Oprah. 780 00:49:52,781 --> 00:49:55,741 Would you all excuse me for just one second, please? 781 00:50:00,538 --> 00:50:02,498 -Sherman, Sherman, Sherman. -Hey, Dad. 782 00:50:02,832 --> 00:50:06,752 If there's anything else I can get for you, I'm always available, professor. 783 00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:11,173 One of my teaching assistants, and a very hard-working young woman. 784 00:50:16,346 --> 00:50:21,016 Last night, I fucked her within an inch of her life. 785 00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:24,019 True story. I'm jamming her head through the headboard... 786 00:50:24,187 --> 00:50:26,563 ...I flip her over, she screams, "Give me a choker." 787 00:50:26,731 --> 00:50:29,984 I play the choirboy, "What's that?" Star wipe to five minutes later... 788 00:50:30,151 --> 00:50:33,070 ...she's bucking like an epileptic at a strobe-light convention. 789 00:50:33,238 --> 00:50:34,280 I'm getting scared. 790 00:50:34,447 --> 00:50:37,241 As I'm working out the 911 phone call in my head, she goes: 791 00:50:41,371 --> 00:50:43,455 Like an air bag. 792 00:50:45,834 --> 00:50:47,126 Now, that's a Tuesday night. 793 00:50:47,919 --> 00:50:49,128 You got a good gig, Dad. 794 00:50:50,463 --> 00:50:51,505 How you doing, son? 795 00:50:53,675 --> 00:50:54,717 Dusty kicked me out. 796 00:50:54,884 --> 00:50:58,304 In all fairness, I was accidentally sleeping with his pseudo-girlfriend... 797 00:50:58,471 --> 00:51:01,015 ...but I feel like shit. 798 00:51:01,182 --> 00:51:03,392 Son, let me tell you a story. 799 00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:06,353 December, 1977, your mother, God rest her soul... 800 00:51:06,521 --> 00:51:08,897 ...throws one of her infamous pot potlucks... 801 00:51:09,065 --> 00:51:12,568 ...and I find myself sozzled in the boathouse with your Aunt Francie. 802 00:51:12,736 --> 00:51:15,195 Now today, some might consider her to be zaftig... 803 00:51:15,363 --> 00:51:18,324 ...but back then, she could really hang a sundress. 804 00:51:18,491 --> 00:51:21,368 How I yearned for her. 805 00:51:21,536 --> 00:51:24,371 But I refrained because it was your mother's sister. 806 00:51:24,539 --> 00:51:27,583 -I get it. I fucked up. -No. No. 807 00:51:27,751 --> 00:51:31,003 The point is, is that two days later, I banged the shit out of her... 808 00:51:31,171 --> 00:51:34,923 ...in the back of a Bonneville while your mother filled my prescription. 809 00:51:36,468 --> 00:51:38,177 Best Pontiac sex I've ever had. 810 00:51:40,180 --> 00:51:42,097 Okay, so you approve? 811 00:51:44,184 --> 00:51:48,520 Guilt is just one more thing trying to asphyxiate us during sex. 812 00:51:48,688 --> 00:51:52,191 You cheat, you feel bad, you watch TV, you feel better, you cheat again. 813 00:52:01,701 --> 00:52:03,911 All right, you know what? This girl's different. 814 00:52:04,079 --> 00:52:08,207 She's smart, she's cool, she's tough, she's a 10. 815 00:52:09,501 --> 00:52:13,629 Ms. Barber, I must apologize for my son's antiquated phraseology. 816 00:52:13,797 --> 00:52:16,131 Out of desperation, he continues to assess women... 817 00:52:16,299 --> 00:52:17,633 ...a base-10 value number... 818 00:52:17,801 --> 00:52:20,135 ...predicated solely on their physical countenance. 819 00:52:20,303 --> 00:52:21,887 That's.... 820 00:52:22,555 --> 00:52:25,099 -That's wrong, Sherman. -No problem. 821 00:52:33,358 --> 00:52:36,819 I moved from numbers a long time ago. You rarely find a 10 outside of L.A. 822 00:52:36,986 --> 00:52:40,114 That's ass-up polyurethane. Really talking about a one through nine. 823 00:52:40,281 --> 00:52:43,617 It was too constricting. I'm all about the letters now. 824 00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:45,494 J. 825 00:52:47,497 --> 00:52:49,081 She smells like a J. 826 00:52:49,415 --> 00:52:50,999 But that cougar over there. 827 00:52:51,167 --> 00:52:53,001 -She's a solid L. -Okay, wait a second. 828 00:52:53,169 --> 00:52:55,295 That woman is 62, that wrap is a shawl... 829 00:52:55,463 --> 00:52:58,132 ...that L is a Y, and there's a reason they call them Y's. 830 00:52:58,299 --> 00:53:00,050 -Come on. -Check it. 831 00:53:00,593 --> 00:53:03,512 No, good call, Sherm, good call. 832 00:53:03,721 --> 00:53:05,681 I've gotta get that Lasik. 833 00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:09,476 -So you gonna wing me or what? -What's the game plan? 834 00:53:09,644 --> 00:53:12,312 Being an educator, I like to stick to the school grades... 835 00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:15,065 ...A, B, C and D. You, on the other hand... 836 00:53:15,233 --> 00:53:17,693 ...should stay with the back 13, thin out the herd. 837 00:53:17,861 --> 00:53:19,903 Thanks, Dad. I'm off the market right now. 838 00:53:20,071 --> 00:53:22,614 I told you about this girl. You know, she.... 839 00:53:22,782 --> 00:53:24,533 The other night, we're making love... 840 00:53:24,701 --> 00:53:27,161 ...and we're just laying there afterwards and.... 841 00:53:27,328 --> 00:53:29,830 -Sharing the silence? -Yeah. 842 00:53:29,998 --> 00:53:32,291 What the fuck is wrong with you? 843 00:53:32,458 --> 00:53:34,334 "Making love"? What are you, Nora Ephron? 844 00:53:34,502 --> 00:53:36,044 Is this some Redbook interview? 845 00:53:36,212 --> 00:53:38,672 You sound like Liberace's stylist's boyfriend. 846 00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:41,717 "Let's just enjoy the silences and the caprice together." 847 00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:44,720 -I have no son. I have no son. -Dad, I dig this girl. 848 00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:47,014 Good, keep talking. And while you're talking... 849 00:53:47,182 --> 00:53:49,641 ...there are cougars on my right who are clocking us. 850 00:53:49,809 --> 00:53:52,311 -Can you listen? -Soon as you put on your safari hat... 851 00:53:52,478 --> 00:53:56,064 -...and grab your gun. -Dad, can you just stay here with me? 852 00:53:56,524 --> 00:53:57,566 Of course I can, son. 853 00:53:57,734 --> 00:54:01,028 Since you fucked my chances with the "Dad" play. Thanks for projecting. 854 00:54:01,196 --> 00:54:04,156 Not to mention the gay-caress maneuver for the hearing-impaired. 855 00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:06,742 Can't you just be my Dad for five fucking seconds? 856 00:54:06,910 --> 00:54:11,079 Oh, I'm sorry, you want the real father-son bullshit. Right this way. 857 00:54:11,247 --> 00:54:14,499 That girl was dating Dusty, which means she's out of your league. 858 00:54:14,834 --> 00:54:16,168 She was slumming it, Sherman. 859 00:54:17,837 --> 00:54:21,423 "Now, the truth may set you free, but first it's gonna piss you off." 860 00:54:21,591 --> 00:54:23,133 Gloria Steinem said that. 861 00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:31,642 My son, the booty call. 862 00:54:32,352 --> 00:54:36,146 Thanks for the advice, professor. 863 00:54:44,072 --> 00:54:45,822 Shit. 864 00:55:02,465 --> 00:55:04,549 That was insane. 865 00:55:09,639 --> 00:55:11,515 It was insane, right? 866 00:55:16,062 --> 00:55:17,521 It was.... 867 00:55:21,734 --> 00:55:24,319 I gotta work tomorrow. 868 00:55:25,238 --> 00:55:27,572 Everybody's gotta work tomorrow. 869 00:55:32,829 --> 00:55:35,747 You don't want me to stay tonight. 870 00:55:37,208 --> 00:55:40,377 -I just sort of feel like it's-- -Yeah. 871 00:55:42,422 --> 00:55:44,506 Totally understandable. 872 00:55:45,383 --> 00:55:46,591 Yeah. 873 00:57:26,484 --> 00:57:28,360 Hi. 874 00:57:28,736 --> 00:57:30,904 What happened to 8? 875 00:57:31,072 --> 00:57:34,324 -Eight's good. -But you're an hour late. 876 00:57:34,826 --> 00:57:36,243 Can we make it 9? 877 00:57:36,411 --> 00:57:38,703 I thought you wanted to get drinks before dinner. 878 00:57:38,871 --> 00:57:42,207 I did. And I did. 879 00:57:42,375 --> 00:57:44,584 Well, I'm not getting in a car with you. 880 00:57:44,752 --> 00:57:47,879 Like I tell my students, even one drink is one drink too many. 881 00:57:48,047 --> 00:57:52,050 No vehicle necessary, teach. The place we're going is right here. 882 00:57:52,218 --> 00:57:54,136 It's good. Let's go. 883 00:58:07,733 --> 00:58:10,026 This is wrong. 884 00:58:11,070 --> 00:58:12,571 Let's eat. 885 00:58:12,738 --> 00:58:14,281 Right there. 886 00:58:18,161 --> 00:58:19,411 I'm starving. 887 00:58:21,789 --> 00:58:24,833 Welcome to Cheesus Crust, where pizza is a religious experience. 888 00:58:25,001 --> 00:58:26,835 How can I ordain your order? 889 00:58:27,003 --> 00:58:29,921 How is the Pizza of Nazareth? 890 00:58:30,089 --> 00:58:32,090 People worship it. 891 00:58:34,260 --> 00:58:36,928 -I'm deeply offended. -Me too. 892 00:58:37,096 --> 00:58:38,388 These prices are outrageous. 893 00:58:38,556 --> 00:58:40,765 Which is why I carry my Flavor Savior card. 894 00:58:40,933 --> 00:58:45,103 Fifteen percent off, all who eat here religiously. 895 00:58:46,397 --> 00:58:48,523 Do you think this is funny? 896 00:58:51,652 --> 00:58:53,278 Good night. 897 00:58:54,697 --> 00:58:57,449 -You people are sinners! -You should have thought of that... 898 00:58:57,617 --> 00:59:01,036 ...19 years ago before you stopped my mom from going into that clinic. 899 00:59:01,204 --> 00:59:02,954 Have a blessed day. 900 00:59:06,125 --> 00:59:07,876 Fastest ever. 901 00:59:31,901 --> 00:59:34,110 Even Jesus had to eat. 902 00:59:34,862 --> 00:59:37,948 -Don't. -It was a bad date. 903 00:59:38,616 --> 00:59:41,826 Well, it was supposed to be a nice night out. 904 00:59:41,994 --> 00:59:44,704 You know, my last boyfriend never took me anywhere. 905 00:59:44,872 --> 00:59:46,373 Ever. 906 00:59:46,540 --> 00:59:49,376 He'd text me late at night to come hang out at his place... 907 00:59:49,543 --> 00:59:52,837 ...like he was ashamed to be seen with me in public. 908 00:59:53,005 --> 00:59:56,800 -Please don't cry. Wait. Please? -I'd make excuses for him, you know? 909 00:59:56,968 --> 00:59:59,052 He's not using me, I'm using him. 910 00:59:59,220 --> 01:00:03,306 -And I'm in total control-- -Total control and it's not that serious. 911 01:00:03,474 --> 01:00:05,183 -Yeah. -Yeah. 912 01:00:05,351 --> 01:00:06,601 But when that phone rang... 913 01:00:06,769 --> 01:00:09,229 -...my heart leapt, and I was there. -Totally. 914 01:00:09,397 --> 01:00:13,233 And now I finally get the chance to go out on a real date and it's with you. 915 01:00:13,401 --> 01:00:17,529 -I know, that sucks. -No, you suck. 916 01:00:17,697 --> 01:00:21,074 I do. I do suck. 917 01:00:21,242 --> 01:00:23,076 I suck. 918 01:00:27,206 --> 01:00:30,083 You must be hungry. Let's go eat. 919 01:00:32,503 --> 01:00:38,258 My senior year, I take this girl on a date-- Horrible, date from hell. 920 01:00:38,426 --> 01:00:41,469 About a week later, this frat boy comes up and he says to me: 921 01:00:41,637 --> 01:00:44,222 "Only you could make me look good." 922 01:00:45,683 --> 01:00:47,600 All right? I laughed... 923 01:00:47,768 --> 01:00:51,813 ...until one of his buddies then came to me and was like: 924 01:00:51,981 --> 01:00:54,190 "Can you help me with my ex?" 925 01:00:54,358 --> 01:00:57,485 -Tank was born. -Yeah. Yeah, really. 926 01:01:01,449 --> 01:01:04,784 -I'm sorry. -I understand. 927 01:01:06,078 --> 01:01:07,454 But... 928 01:01:07,872 --> 01:01:09,122 ...do you enjoy it? 929 01:01:09,290 --> 01:01:11,583 I'm good at it. I'm good at being an asshole. 930 01:01:12,376 --> 01:01:14,085 It's what I do. 931 01:01:14,628 --> 01:01:17,464 -You're like the anti-Cupid. -More like the Antichrist. 932 01:01:19,800 --> 01:01:21,301 Sorry. 933 01:01:21,469 --> 01:01:24,763 -Sorry. -It's all right. 934 01:01:25,639 --> 01:01:28,767 You know, in a cruel, twisted way... 935 01:01:28,934 --> 01:01:31,561 ...you give couples a second chance. 936 01:01:31,729 --> 01:01:33,229 You're a closet romantic. 937 01:01:33,981 --> 01:01:36,816 -I don't know about that. -You are. 938 01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:39,652 You know you have to confront this girl, Alexis. 939 01:01:40,321 --> 01:01:44,407 I can't. 940 01:01:44,575 --> 01:01:47,327 If you don't do this, she will never take you seriously. 941 01:01:47,495 --> 01:01:50,497 You need to march up there and tell her how you feel. 942 01:01:51,165 --> 01:01:52,832 Alexis. 943 01:01:54,960 --> 01:01:57,212 Alexis, it's Tank. 944 01:01:57,588 --> 01:01:59,005 Yeah. 945 01:02:02,218 --> 01:02:04,177 I'm just gonna say this. I'm gonna say it. 946 01:02:04,345 --> 01:02:07,806 If you value this, us, we... 947 01:02:07,973 --> 01:02:11,851 ...then you will let me take you on a proper date. 948 01:02:12,019 --> 01:02:13,853 -In public. -It's 2 a.m. in the morning. 949 01:02:14,021 --> 01:02:15,855 Can we do the proper date another time? 950 01:02:19,652 --> 01:02:21,111 -Tomorrow. -Yes. 951 01:02:21,278 --> 01:02:22,862 Proper date. In public. 952 01:02:23,447 --> 01:02:24,531 -Get some-- -Good night. 953 01:02:24,698 --> 01:02:26,908 -Good night. -Nice shirt. 954 01:02:44,051 --> 01:02:45,510 Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. 955 01:02:49,140 --> 01:02:51,266 This is for you. Have to have a corsage. 956 01:02:51,434 --> 01:02:53,726 Oh, my God. 957 01:02:53,894 --> 01:02:57,230 -You gotta be kidding me. -No, I'm not. 958 01:02:58,315 --> 01:03:00,442 I never went to prom. 959 01:03:00,609 --> 01:03:02,318 I remember. 960 01:03:05,072 --> 01:03:07,157 Oh, yeah, that's right. 961 01:03:14,081 --> 01:03:16,791 She's got a shank. You might wanna actually focus on her. 962 01:03:16,959 --> 01:03:20,211 -They're with me, okay? Thanks. -Alexis, this is Hilary, our chaperon. 963 01:03:20,379 --> 01:03:22,922 -Hi. Nice to meet you. -Hi. 964 01:03:23,674 --> 01:03:24,716 Thank you. 965 01:03:26,218 --> 01:03:27,552 You two kids have fun. 966 01:03:32,433 --> 01:03:34,434 I'm having fun. 967 01:03:34,602 --> 01:03:38,438 Let's set the stage here. You're 17 years old. 968 01:03:38,606 --> 01:03:41,441 As you make the mistake of heading out onto the dance floor... 969 01:03:41,609 --> 01:03:43,776 ...a fine, young chap stops you on your way-- 970 01:03:43,944 --> 01:03:46,738 Strikingly handsome. Some would say ruggedly good-looking. 971 01:03:46,906 --> 01:03:49,866 He stops you and says, "Excuse me, would you care to dance?" 972 01:03:50,034 --> 01:03:52,994 -Don't tell me you dance. -Me? 973 01:03:53,162 --> 01:03:54,287 Never. 974 01:03:57,166 --> 01:03:59,375 Oh, my God. 975 01:04:00,252 --> 01:04:03,129 -Oh, my God. -That's it. That's all I've got, really. 976 01:04:08,928 --> 01:04:10,136 No way. 977 01:04:15,309 --> 01:04:16,434 For you. 978 01:04:17,520 --> 01:04:19,270 -Let's go. -No, I can't-- 979 01:04:19,438 --> 01:04:23,233 You're making this embarrassing- myself--to-be-cute thing really difficult. 980 01:04:23,400 --> 01:04:24,859 Look at this, check it out. 981 01:04:27,321 --> 01:04:30,990 -Did you see that little move? -I saw it. I wanna see more over here. 982 01:04:57,726 --> 01:04:58,851 I got caught up. 983 01:05:23,377 --> 01:05:25,545 -Hi. -Hey. 984 01:05:49,903 --> 01:05:51,279 Hey. 985 01:05:55,576 --> 01:05:57,118 Fun, huh? 986 01:05:57,286 --> 01:05:58,703 Yeah. 987 01:06:02,708 --> 01:06:05,209 You know you could have any girl out there, right? 988 01:06:06,253 --> 01:06:09,297 Hey, dude, look at me. 989 01:06:09,465 --> 01:06:10,757 Look at this. 990 01:06:10,924 --> 01:06:12,842 It's not about what you look like, man. 991 01:06:13,010 --> 01:06:14,135 It's right here, okay? 992 01:06:14,303 --> 01:06:17,764 It's attitude, it's how you look at them. Pretend you don't give a shit... 993 01:06:17,931 --> 01:06:21,434 ...they will be on you like acne. Guaranteed or your money back. 994 01:06:22,436 --> 01:06:26,939 So, then, like, why have you been such a kiss-ass to your girl all night? 995 01:06:27,107 --> 01:06:29,192 Pulling out chairs, throwing out compliments. 996 01:06:29,360 --> 01:06:33,696 I'm on a different plan. You're on a-- What you-- What l-- 997 01:06:33,864 --> 01:06:36,282 "Can I wipe your ass, baby?" 998 01:06:36,617 --> 01:06:39,994 I was trying to help you, but fuck you. 999 01:06:40,162 --> 01:06:41,454 Fuck you, you hypocrite. 1000 01:06:41,622 --> 01:06:44,290 "Hey nerd, let me give you some condescending advice." 1001 01:06:44,458 --> 01:06:45,583 Be cruel to women? 1002 01:06:45,751 --> 01:06:47,460 Fat, pathetic, sad dork. 1003 01:06:47,628 --> 01:06:50,630 -Old man at a high-school prom. -Husky bitch. 1004 01:06:53,634 --> 01:06:56,511 Don't get ahead of yourself here. And I'm just curious... 1005 01:06:56,679 --> 01:06:59,055 -...but are you seeing anybody? -No. 1006 01:06:59,223 --> 01:07:00,973 No? 1007 01:07:01,141 --> 01:07:03,267 -Are you? -No. 1008 01:07:03,477 --> 01:07:05,937 What about that awkward night with that guy? 1009 01:07:06,105 --> 01:07:07,313 You still calling him? 1010 01:07:07,731 --> 01:07:09,982 He kind of disappeared. 1011 01:07:10,484 --> 01:07:12,318 I haven't heard from him since he quit. 1012 01:07:12,486 --> 01:07:14,946 Maybe you could call him. You know? 1013 01:07:15,114 --> 01:07:17,740 See how he's holding up kind of thing. 1014 01:07:18,158 --> 01:07:20,451 -What? -Or don't. 1015 01:07:20,619 --> 01:07:23,246 It's-- It's your choice. I mean, I'm just saying-- 1016 01:07:23,414 --> 01:07:26,499 -No, I know. It's sweet. -Polite. 1017 01:07:27,626 --> 01:07:31,462 Even if it is a part of your whole show that you've got going on tonight. 1018 01:07:31,714 --> 01:07:34,382 You're pulling out all the stops. 1019 01:07:34,883 --> 01:07:37,760 Sweet Tank. Sweet Tank is way into me. 1020 01:07:42,141 --> 01:07:44,809 You know what, though? You're right. I should call him. 1021 01:07:47,104 --> 01:07:49,063 I should call him. 1022 01:07:52,025 --> 01:07:54,819 You know, it was really cool of you to call, Alexis. 1023 01:07:54,987 --> 01:07:58,030 Lunch, wedding errands. Just like old times, huh? 1024 01:07:58,198 --> 01:08:01,284 I haven't seen you since I took my leave of absence from work. 1025 01:08:01,452 --> 01:08:02,994 Yeah, I heard you quit. 1026 01:08:03,162 --> 01:08:06,706 Oh, no, no, no, I just-- I took a sabbatical. A sabbatical. 1027 01:08:06,874 --> 01:08:08,833 I just wanted to do some soul-searching. 1028 01:08:16,592 --> 01:08:19,510 -My sister picked it out. -Well, you should thank her. 1029 01:08:19,678 --> 01:08:22,638 -The whole world should thank her. -Well, you're welcome. 1030 01:08:22,806 --> 01:08:25,266 -Speaking of the devil. -Oh, my gosh. 1031 01:08:25,434 --> 01:08:27,435 I love it. I love it so much. 1032 01:08:27,603 --> 01:08:29,687 This is my friend, Dustin. This is my sister. 1033 01:08:29,855 --> 01:08:31,105 -Oh, hi. -No. Get over here. 1034 01:08:31,273 --> 01:08:33,107 -What? -Congratulations. 1035 01:08:33,275 --> 01:08:35,526 Alexis will not shut up about you, the wedding-- 1036 01:08:35,694 --> 01:08:38,154 That was really smart. That was so smart, yeah. 1037 01:08:38,322 --> 01:08:40,448 See, I brought mine too. Hi. 1038 01:08:40,616 --> 01:08:44,952 It's really the only opinion that means anything these days. 1039 01:08:45,120 --> 01:08:46,245 Oh, my gosh. 1040 01:08:46,997 --> 01:08:49,248 You have to see my dress. Great, now. 1041 01:08:52,461 --> 01:08:54,378 -Yeah, I did it when-- -Alexis, I'm sorry. 1042 01:08:54,546 --> 01:08:57,298 I'm the-- I'm the dress-shopping gay pal? 1043 01:08:57,466 --> 01:09:00,092 I just think that now's not the time to set her straight. 1044 01:09:00,260 --> 01:09:01,886 She's a little crazy, she's manic. 1045 01:09:02,054 --> 01:09:04,472 I get that we're in slow-down mode... 1046 01:09:04,640 --> 01:09:06,849 ...but I'm not gonna, like, meet your parents... 1047 01:09:07,017 --> 01:09:09,227 ...under the pretext of the gay friend. I mean-- 1048 01:09:09,394 --> 01:09:11,062 -What? -I'm sorry, excuse me one second. 1049 01:09:11,230 --> 01:09:12,897 -Dustin, you need to-- -What? What? 1050 01:09:13,065 --> 01:09:15,775 Yeah, what? What is it? What? Is something wrong? 1051 01:09:15,943 --> 01:09:18,820 -Do you not want me to come? -Promise me you won't be upset... 1052 01:09:21,782 --> 01:09:23,741 I'm seeing somebody. 1053 01:09:23,909 --> 01:09:28,287 And so I asked him to come with me to the wedding. 1054 01:09:30,749 --> 01:09:32,416 -You're-- You're upset. -No. What? 1055 01:09:33,293 --> 01:09:35,628 Upset? No. Why would I be upset? 1056 01:09:35,879 --> 01:09:37,964 Come on. That's crazy. 1057 01:09:38,131 --> 01:09:41,634 Like I'm a guy that gets upset. Come on. More like happy. 1058 01:09:41,802 --> 01:09:44,136 You know? I'm happy that-- That, you know. 1059 01:09:44,304 --> 01:09:47,557 -That you found someone special. -It still feels a little short. 1060 01:09:47,724 --> 01:09:49,475 I still think that if you put the-- 1061 01:09:49,643 --> 01:09:51,477 -So, dish. -I just wanna make sure my-- 1062 01:09:51,645 --> 01:09:53,437 Who is he? 1063 01:09:53,605 --> 01:09:57,608 Yeah, I think that's too much shoe. 1064 01:09:58,986 --> 01:10:02,488 Man-ischewitz, Sherman, look at you. 1065 01:10:02,656 --> 01:10:04,949 You remind me of me on my wedding day. 1066 01:10:05,117 --> 01:10:08,411 I was one nasty son of a bitch. 1067 01:10:09,663 --> 01:10:12,665 -Dad, why did Mom marry you? -Who makes this tux? Versace? 1068 01:10:12,833 --> 01:10:15,501 -Pop, come on. Fess up. Dad. -Where'd you get this tux? 1069 01:10:15,669 --> 01:10:18,588 -The black on black. -Come on, Dad, really. 1070 01:10:20,882 --> 01:10:22,758 Your mother was an incredible woman... 1071 01:10:22,926 --> 01:10:26,721 ...but she had awful judgment. 1072 01:10:26,888 --> 01:10:29,432 She was always trying to find the better man inside me. 1073 01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:33,853 Unfortunately, she found him inside of her psychotherapist, Janine. 1074 01:10:34,271 --> 01:10:35,313 Not good. 1075 01:10:35,480 --> 01:10:39,358 See, I always knew that your mom was the best it was ever gonna get for me. 1076 01:10:39,526 --> 01:10:42,612 And I never asked the more important question, which is: 1077 01:10:42,779 --> 01:10:44,947 Was I the best it was ever gonna get for her? 1078 01:10:49,494 --> 01:10:51,162 You're not so bad, Pop. 1079 01:10:54,708 --> 01:10:57,710 I'm a fraud, Sherman. Yeah. 1080 01:10:57,878 --> 01:11:00,212 And I'm a selfish asshole. 1081 01:11:06,720 --> 01:11:08,679 And so are you. 1082 01:11:09,640 --> 01:11:11,932 So I want you to get out there... 1083 01:11:13,352 --> 01:11:15,728 ...and I want you to revel in it. 1084 01:11:36,792 --> 01:11:38,751 -Oh, my God. -Hi. 1085 01:11:38,919 --> 01:11:40,961 -You are hot as a pistol. -You look handsome. 1086 01:11:41,129 --> 01:11:44,090 -No, you. I am very... -I am so impressed with you. 1087 01:11:44,257 --> 01:11:46,550 ...impressed. You look beautiful. 1088 01:11:47,094 --> 01:11:50,012 -Do you like the red lipstick? -I wanna do you right here. 1089 01:11:50,180 --> 01:11:52,264 Okay, I gotta go-- Josh. 1090 01:11:52,432 --> 01:11:56,018 My future brother-in-law. Josh, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Tank. 1091 01:11:56,186 --> 01:11:57,978 Hey, Josh. I'll be your groom... 1092 01:11:58,146 --> 01:12:00,815 ...in today's performance of Fuck Me, I'm Getting Married. 1093 01:12:00,982 --> 01:12:03,943 Okay, well, I'm gonna go tame Bridezilla. 1094 01:12:04,111 --> 01:12:07,321 -You want me to come? Lex? -No, I'll look out for him. All right? 1095 01:12:07,489 --> 01:12:10,116 -Just breathe for a second, all right? -I am breathing. 1096 01:12:10,283 --> 01:12:11,534 Now adapt. 1097 01:12:11,702 --> 01:12:13,119 -Are we adapting? -Yeah. 1098 01:12:13,286 --> 01:12:15,079 Are we ready to evolve? 1099 01:12:15,247 --> 01:12:17,957 You let fly one word about our arrangement... 1100 01:12:18,125 --> 01:12:20,251 ...I will crush your nuts into butter. 1101 01:12:20,419 --> 01:12:23,337 Like the kind at the health-food store, but not so good for you. 1102 01:12:23,505 --> 01:12:25,798 But-- But, but... 1103 01:12:26,174 --> 01:12:29,635 ...you play ball, I will plant your flag right next to mine. All right? 1104 01:12:29,803 --> 01:12:32,513 I will make you family. And believe me, Tank... 1105 01:12:32,681 --> 01:12:35,057 ...you wanna be family. 1106 01:12:36,101 --> 01:12:38,018 -Money. -Jesus Christ. 1107 01:12:38,186 --> 01:12:40,521 Like, "money" money. 1108 01:12:40,689 --> 01:12:43,190 Old money, new money, fuck-me money, fuck-you money. 1109 01:12:43,358 --> 01:12:44,775 Family money, money. 1110 01:12:44,943 --> 01:12:48,070 Okay, yeah. Josh, you got me all wrong. 1111 01:12:48,238 --> 01:12:51,490 No. I know exactly who you are, all right? 1112 01:12:51,658 --> 01:12:54,493 It's Alexis who's got you all wrong. 1113 01:12:54,661 --> 01:12:57,288 Let's do what we do, brother. Hey, Merrilee. 1114 01:12:57,956 --> 01:13:00,291 -Brian. -Now, I've told you, fella... 1115 01:13:00,459 --> 01:13:02,668 ...from here on out, it's strictly Mom and Dad. 1116 01:13:02,836 --> 01:13:05,713 I'd like to introduce you to your next son-in-law, Tank Turner. 1117 01:13:05,881 --> 01:13:07,590 This is Alexis' guy. 1118 01:13:07,758 --> 01:13:11,093 -I've heard so much about you. -That is unfortunate. 1119 01:13:11,261 --> 01:13:13,053 Forget it all. 1120 01:13:13,221 --> 01:13:14,930 -Tank. -Hi. 1121 01:13:18,185 --> 01:13:21,729 Tank Turner is an asshole. 1122 01:13:22,272 --> 01:13:25,316 -You brought Satan to my wedding? -Well, he's changed. 1123 01:13:25,484 --> 01:13:27,610 Or he's going to change. Or he's changing. 1124 01:13:27,778 --> 01:13:28,986 No. 1125 01:13:29,154 --> 01:13:31,697 I'm sorry, but that is not enough. 1126 01:13:31,865 --> 01:13:34,658 Okay, maybe he's this fun vacation on the dark side-- 1127 01:13:34,826 --> 01:13:37,369 Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, I'm falling in love with him. 1128 01:13:37,829 --> 01:13:39,205 What? 1129 01:13:40,290 --> 01:13:41,916 I love him. 1130 01:13:51,676 --> 01:13:54,094 -Hey, so-- -So many things that I want-- 1131 01:13:54,262 --> 01:13:56,055 Oh, come here. 1132 01:14:01,436 --> 01:14:05,856 -I gotta go. I'm going. I'm leaving. -Go. 1133 01:14:26,503 --> 01:14:29,338 Are you the best it's ever gonna get for her? 1134 01:14:40,433 --> 01:14:42,017 Are you? 1135 01:15:56,968 --> 01:16:00,471 If anyone here can show just cause why these two should not be joined... 1136 01:16:00,639 --> 01:16:05,768 ...let them speak now or forever hold their peace. 1137 01:16:05,977 --> 01:16:08,687 White dress. Chick's seen more dick than you. 1138 01:16:13,902 --> 01:16:18,489 I've been wanting to come over here because I was reminded of a joke. 1139 01:16:19,115 --> 01:16:22,409 A priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding. Who knew? 1140 01:16:22,911 --> 01:16:26,956 And they see a small boy bending over to tie his shoe. 1141 01:16:27,123 --> 01:16:29,333 So the priest says to the Rabbi: 1142 01:16:29,501 --> 01:16:31,669 "God, I'd really love to screw that kid." 1143 01:16:31,836 --> 01:16:35,506 And then the Rabbi says, "Out of what?" 1144 01:16:37,384 --> 01:16:40,344 It's a visual thing, because the kid is basically like this. 1145 01:16:40,512 --> 01:16:41,679 He's bending over. 1146 01:16:43,932 --> 01:16:45,683 Dirty Houdini. You gotta try this. 1147 01:16:45,850 --> 01:16:49,478 While you're giving it to your lady from behind, okay? 1148 01:16:49,646 --> 01:16:51,480 Very important. You gotta be behind her. 1149 01:16:51,648 --> 01:16:53,983 Start making some sounds like you're gonna bust... 1150 01:16:54,150 --> 01:16:55,359 ...then you pull out. 1151 01:16:55,527 --> 01:16:58,779 As you pull out, you let a little dribble of saliva trickle down... 1152 01:16:58,947 --> 01:17:02,074 ...onto the small of her back. She thinks it's over, she flips over: 1153 01:17:02,242 --> 01:17:03,659 "Good, I can go to sleep." 1154 01:17:03,827 --> 01:17:06,203 Fireman's hose. All over. 1155 01:17:10,709 --> 01:17:12,710 -I don't get it. -You don't get it? 1156 01:17:12,877 --> 01:17:15,963 Here's what you're gonna do. Go ask your mom. Right there. Pound. 1157 01:17:22,387 --> 01:17:23,595 Ready, and wow. 1158 01:17:24,973 --> 01:17:26,974 It's like lifting a coffin. 1159 01:17:28,351 --> 01:17:31,020 Oh, Nana. You have a lead vagina. 1160 01:17:35,734 --> 01:17:37,609 Hello? Yeah, I can talk. 1161 01:17:43,033 --> 01:17:45,242 -You weren't gonna drink. -Can't have a glass... 1162 01:17:45,410 --> 01:17:47,036 ...to celebrate the holy sacrament? 1163 01:17:47,203 --> 01:17:49,371 -Is that Jagermeister I smell? -I don't know. 1164 01:17:49,539 --> 01:17:51,373 Wine, huh? 1165 01:17:53,251 --> 01:17:54,877 -No. -Don't get into any trouble. 1166 01:17:55,045 --> 01:17:57,755 -I'm don't-ing. I'm don't-ing. -Don't get into any trouble. 1167 01:18:06,556 --> 01:18:08,891 For their first dance as a married couple... 1168 01:18:09,059 --> 01:18:13,604 ...I'd like to present to you Rachel and Josh. 1169 01:18:25,992 --> 01:18:27,117 Sorry. 1170 01:18:27,994 --> 01:18:29,912 Can I have this dance? 1171 01:18:30,080 --> 01:18:31,371 Not a good time? Okay. 1172 01:18:31,539 --> 01:18:36,085 Sorry, everybody. This is their night. I'll clean that up. It's the chicken. 1173 01:18:37,045 --> 01:18:38,962 The bride and groom. 1174 01:18:45,136 --> 01:18:48,138 I'm gonna grab these. Clean. I washed them after I threw up. 1175 01:18:48,306 --> 01:18:50,015 How are you? 1176 01:18:50,433 --> 01:18:52,392 It's okay, I got the sleeve. I caught it. 1177 01:18:52,560 --> 01:18:55,145 Usually they come in twos and threes, so that's-- 1178 01:18:57,690 --> 01:19:00,234 Cocaine, you know, just kind of gets me sneezy. 1179 01:19:00,401 --> 01:19:03,487 And you, by the way, look lovely. I just wanted to... 1180 01:19:03,655 --> 01:19:06,323 ...say a hello to you. 1181 01:19:10,662 --> 01:19:12,204 All right. 1182 01:19:16,918 --> 01:19:19,419 Weddings get me hot and hard, know what I'm saying? 1183 01:19:19,587 --> 01:19:21,296 What do you got going on? 1184 01:19:21,464 --> 01:19:23,966 I want that in my fucking mouth. 1185 01:19:27,345 --> 01:19:29,138 Hey, Alexis sent me to look for you, so let's go. 1186 01:19:29,305 --> 01:19:30,389 Having a little chat. 1187 01:19:30,557 --> 01:19:34,017 With my friend. Taking a breather. Breathing. 1188 01:19:35,937 --> 01:19:38,689 Fucking goddamn it. What do you call that shit, A.J.? 1189 01:19:38,857 --> 01:19:41,483 Afghani-Kush Kryptonite. 1190 01:19:41,651 --> 01:19:45,028 Kryptonite. It killed Superman. I'm just a man. 1191 01:19:45,196 --> 01:19:48,532 You really are, like, a super special kind of asshole, aren't you? 1192 01:19:48,700 --> 01:19:50,659 I ride the special-kind-of-asshole bus. 1193 01:19:50,827 --> 01:19:52,995 -Do you really? -All right. Okay. 1194 01:19:53,705 --> 01:19:55,873 -One more bite. -What are you doing? 1195 01:19:56,040 --> 01:19:58,584 Alexis is gonna freak out when she sees this. 1196 01:19:58,751 --> 01:19:59,960 -No she won't. -Yeah. Yeah. 1197 01:20:00,128 --> 01:20:01,962 -She's understanding. -Oh, my God, dude. 1198 01:20:02,130 --> 01:20:05,215 -She's never gonna forgive you. -All right. I'm coming. I'm coming. 1199 01:20:07,177 --> 01:20:08,719 -What a day. -Yeah. 1200 01:20:10,054 --> 01:20:12,514 May I partake? 1201 01:20:13,057 --> 01:20:16,185 My daughter got married today. 1202 01:20:16,352 --> 01:20:19,897 -Wonderful. -Oh, God, I feel old. 1203 01:20:20,064 --> 01:20:25,569 I bet back in the day, you were one hot slice of fuckberry pie. 1204 01:20:28,823 --> 01:20:32,576 You bet your sweet ass I was. 1205 01:20:34,078 --> 01:20:37,289 Hey. I love your shoes. 1206 01:20:38,082 --> 01:20:40,125 So are we gonna do this or what? 1207 01:20:42,337 --> 01:20:44,463 Come on, it's not gonna suck itself, Mama. 1208 01:20:44,631 --> 01:20:46,757 Oh, my God. 1209 01:20:46,925 --> 01:20:49,134 Who is this guy? 1210 01:20:50,887 --> 01:20:53,347 And he's ruining my entire wedding. 1211 01:20:53,514 --> 01:20:56,683 He ruined my dance, my actual dance. 1212 01:20:56,851 --> 01:21:00,187 No, it's ruined. And-- Why did you bring him here? 1213 01:21:00,355 --> 01:21:02,189 It's disgusting. 1214 01:21:04,025 --> 01:21:07,569 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 1215 01:21:07,737 --> 01:21:10,656 -Are you kidding me? -He really...? 1216 01:21:13,326 --> 01:21:16,245 I got a bass-ackward way of showing it, but I care about you. 1217 01:21:16,412 --> 01:21:19,206 Tank. Tank! How could you?! 1218 01:21:19,749 --> 01:21:22,459 My ex, Sarah. Cunt. 1219 01:21:24,045 --> 01:21:26,255 Oh, no. You're not gonna walk away from me. 1220 01:21:26,422 --> 01:21:28,298 You're gonna talk to me. This is insane. 1221 01:21:28,466 --> 01:21:30,592 Who is that person, huh? Who is that guy? 1222 01:21:30,760 --> 01:21:33,345 This is me. I'm an asshole. 1223 01:21:33,513 --> 01:21:36,265 You had your chance with a good guy and you threw it away. 1224 01:21:36,432 --> 01:21:37,766 -Who? -Dustin. 1225 01:21:37,934 --> 01:21:41,019 -You have no right to tell me-- -No, Dustin. Dustin's here. 1226 01:21:41,187 --> 01:21:43,230 Dustin. Dustin? 1227 01:21:43,398 --> 01:21:44,606 -Dustin? -Be careful. 1228 01:21:44,774 --> 01:21:46,650 Tank! 1229 01:21:56,744 --> 01:21:58,370 It's time you all knew the truth. 1230 01:21:58,538 --> 01:22:01,498 Would you stop? If I go down, you're coming with me, okay? 1231 01:22:01,666 --> 01:22:05,877 Okay? So I'm sure every-- 1232 01:22:06,713 --> 01:22:07,754 Don't touch. 1233 01:22:07,922 --> 01:22:09,798 Why don't you take a walk with me? 1234 01:22:09,966 --> 01:22:11,591 -Hey! Come with me, okay? -Dustin. 1235 01:22:11,759 --> 01:22:14,344 Would you guys like to know what this man--? Excuse me. 1236 01:22:14,512 --> 01:22:16,096 What this man does as a hobby? 1237 01:22:16,264 --> 01:22:19,891 Let's say, for example... 1238 01:22:20,059 --> 01:22:23,520 ...I get dumped by my girl. 1239 01:22:23,688 --> 01:22:28,066 And I want to pay him to go out with her... 1240 01:22:28,234 --> 01:22:30,569 -Oh, boy. -...terrorize her... 1241 01:22:30,737 --> 01:22:34,865 ...and have her come screaming back into my arms. 1242 01:22:35,742 --> 01:22:38,702 So I made a deal with the devil. 1243 01:22:38,870 --> 01:22:39,870 That's what I did. 1244 01:22:40,038 --> 01:22:43,415 -But-- But what does that make him? -Okay, stop. Stop it. 1245 01:22:43,583 --> 01:22:46,376 Just tell me this isn't true. 1246 01:22:48,921 --> 01:22:50,881 Ask him. 1247 01:22:51,883 --> 01:22:53,383 -Baby, sorry. -You make me sick. 1248 01:22:53,551 --> 01:22:56,720 -Ask him. -I hate you. 1249 01:22:58,097 --> 01:22:59,890 -Ask him. -I'm gonna kill you! 1250 01:23:00,058 --> 01:23:01,933 I'm gonna kill you! 1251 01:23:02,101 --> 01:23:04,561 -I work on referrals. -Okay. 1252 01:23:05,772 --> 01:23:08,440 You're honestly gonna tell me... 1253 01:23:09,484 --> 01:23:13,445 ...that you and l, that's nothing? 1254 01:23:13,905 --> 01:23:15,697 That's nothing? 1255 01:23:17,617 --> 01:23:19,951 I'm just a job? 1256 01:23:20,912 --> 01:23:25,123 I need you to tell me. Tank, tell me right now... 1257 01:23:25,291 --> 01:23:27,375 ...that I'm just a job. 1258 01:23:27,543 --> 01:23:31,463 -Tell me to my face. -You're just a job. 1259 01:23:36,511 --> 01:23:38,470 Just a job. 1260 01:23:38,638 --> 01:23:41,473 I never wanna see you again. 1261 01:23:42,433 --> 01:23:44,059 Yeah. 1262 01:23:44,227 --> 01:23:46,561 Alexis. Alexis. 1263 01:23:46,729 --> 01:23:48,688 I'm gonna kill you! 1264 01:24:18,511 --> 01:24:20,470 Motherfucker. 1265 01:24:41,450 --> 01:24:44,161 You have one new message. 1266 01:24:45,079 --> 01:24:47,080 Dust, you were right. 1267 01:24:47,248 --> 01:24:49,374 Alexis is an angel... 1268 01:24:49,542 --> 01:24:52,460 ...and she deserves the best. 1269 01:24:54,005 --> 01:24:56,214 And that's you. So I'm sorry it took so long... 1270 01:24:56,382 --> 01:24:59,050 ...but I finally did what you hired me to do. 1271 01:24:59,218 --> 01:25:02,012 I got a bass-ackward way of showing it, but I care about you. 1272 01:25:02,180 --> 01:25:05,223 Tank. Tank! How could you?! 1273 01:25:05,391 --> 01:25:07,976 My ex, Sarah. Cunt. 1274 01:25:41,093 --> 01:25:42,761 Did you love her? 1275 01:25:42,929 --> 01:25:45,472 Do you love her? That's all I wanna know. 1276 01:25:46,933 --> 01:25:49,142 I don't even know what that means. 1277 01:25:49,310 --> 01:25:52,395 Yeah. Well, apparently, neither do l. 1278 01:25:52,688 --> 01:25:55,398 All I know is that me and her ends up with her hurt. 1279 01:25:55,566 --> 01:25:56,983 It's inevitable. 1280 01:25:57,151 --> 01:25:59,778 Turners and women, right, Pop? 1281 01:25:59,946 --> 01:26:01,279 Yeah. 1282 01:26:03,407 --> 01:26:05,742 I banged a lot of women, Sherman. 1283 01:26:06,410 --> 01:26:08,370 I've been banging since back in the day... 1284 01:26:08,537 --> 01:26:11,122 ...when you were laminating pictures of them. 1285 01:26:11,290 --> 01:26:13,458 So, yeah, that's me. 1286 01:26:14,043 --> 01:26:17,087 That's this guy, but that ain't you. No. 1287 01:26:17,255 --> 01:26:20,715 Last night, you proved something that I have long feared. 1288 01:26:20,883 --> 01:26:22,509 And that is... 1289 01:26:22,677 --> 01:26:24,928 ...you may just take after your mother. 1290 01:26:26,722 --> 01:26:30,600 Yeah, I can't believe you actually tried to give Alexis up for me. 1291 01:26:31,143 --> 01:26:32,310 I know, dude. 1292 01:26:32,478 --> 01:26:34,437 -That's pretty fucked up, right? -Yeah. 1293 01:26:34,605 --> 01:26:36,731 I mean, if that's not love.... 1294 01:26:37,483 --> 01:26:39,484 Yeah, I'm sorry, man. 1295 01:26:39,944 --> 01:26:43,071 I'm sorry. I'm the guy who.... 1296 01:26:44,615 --> 01:26:46,574 You were my best friend. 1297 01:26:47,159 --> 01:26:48,868 I still am. 1298 01:26:50,621 --> 01:26:52,747 You guys gonna make out now, huh? 1299 01:26:52,915 --> 01:26:55,834 Go ahead, stick your tongue in his mouth. That'll clear the air. 1300 01:26:58,796 --> 01:27:00,297 How about a...? 1301 01:27:07,555 --> 01:27:11,766 Look, I know I kind of lost it for a while, but now I'm seeing things clearly. 1302 01:27:11,934 --> 01:27:13,935 You need to get her back. 1303 01:27:16,022 --> 01:27:18,064 -But I don't deserve her. -No, you-- Tank. 1304 01:27:18,232 --> 01:27:20,775 If you were willing to give her up, you deserve her. 1305 01:27:21,068 --> 01:27:23,570 That's fucked up, but you're right. 1306 01:27:26,032 --> 01:27:28,283 She's my angel and it's time she knew. 1307 01:27:28,451 --> 01:27:30,368 Yes. So, what's stopping you? 1308 01:27:30,536 --> 01:27:32,495 I propositioned her mother for a blowjob. 1309 01:27:33,873 --> 01:27:36,541 Man, that is great. 1310 01:27:36,709 --> 01:27:39,210 That is so great. Yes. 1311 01:27:40,046 --> 01:27:42,881 Alexis! Alexis, wait. 1312 01:27:43,049 --> 01:27:44,549 Alexis. 1313 01:27:44,717 --> 01:27:46,551 Just hear me out, all right? Listen. 1314 01:27:46,719 --> 01:27:49,554 Nope. Nope. Nope. 1315 01:27:49,722 --> 01:27:51,097 I did it for you. 1316 01:27:51,265 --> 01:27:53,892 I pushed you away because I thought I didn't deserve you. 1317 01:27:54,060 --> 01:27:57,562 -You don't. -So I made a mistake. 1318 01:27:57,730 --> 01:28:00,315 -Many. -I know. 1319 01:28:00,483 --> 01:28:02,734 -I will never do better than you. -I know. 1320 01:28:02,902 --> 01:28:04,903 -I need you in my life. -I know. 1321 01:28:05,071 --> 01:28:07,947 -And I wanna apologize. -I don't want it. 1322 01:28:08,115 --> 01:28:10,617 Good, because it's not for you. 1323 01:28:10,785 --> 01:28:13,578 I wanna apologize to myself. 1324 01:28:13,746 --> 01:28:17,290 I'm sorry, Tank, that you blew it with Alexis. 1325 01:28:17,458 --> 01:28:19,834 -But you did. -Because I thought you deserved... 1326 01:28:20,002 --> 01:28:21,419 ...someone better than me. 1327 01:28:21,587 --> 01:28:25,382 But when I'm with you, it's like I'm better than me. 1328 01:28:25,758 --> 01:28:29,594 You're the only person that could ever make me do cardio. And I hate cardio. 1329 01:28:29,762 --> 01:28:33,264 I wanna faint, I want a cigarette and I have a massive cramp. 1330 01:28:33,432 --> 01:28:35,767 But I would run a marathon for you. 1331 01:28:41,399 --> 01:28:43,525 -Okay. -Fuck me. 1332 01:28:43,692 --> 01:28:45,735 You ruined my sister's wedding. 1333 01:28:45,903 --> 01:28:49,155 But I saved her life. That guy was a fucking fuckface. 1334 01:28:49,323 --> 01:28:53,451 -You curse incessantly. -I will never swear again. 1335 01:28:53,619 --> 01:28:55,120 Fuck. Last one. 1336 01:28:55,287 --> 01:28:58,706 -My parents hate you. -Well, they'll come around. 1337 01:28:58,874 --> 01:29:00,208 Except your mother. 1338 01:29:00,376 --> 01:29:01,459 And your dad. 1339 01:29:01,627 --> 01:29:04,504 -Your job is a joke. -A joke? I sell air. 1340 01:29:04,672 --> 01:29:06,131 I do the impossible every day. 1341 01:29:06,298 --> 01:29:08,049 Have you ever even read a book? 1342 01:29:08,217 --> 01:29:09,968 The Giving Tree. 1343 01:29:10,302 --> 01:29:12,971 -And...? -Among others. Countless others. 1344 01:29:13,139 --> 01:29:15,974 -Tank. -I'll join a book club. 1345 01:29:16,642 --> 01:29:19,436 What's the matter? You can't keep up? 1346 01:29:20,396 --> 01:29:23,648 You are not passionate about anything. 1347 01:29:23,816 --> 01:29:27,235 Except you. I'm passionate about you. As evidence, consider the fact... 1348 01:29:27,403 --> 01:29:29,612 ...that I've been running for two goddamn hours. 1349 01:29:29,780 --> 01:29:32,115 -I need to stop and rest. -You sabotage dates. 1350 01:29:32,283 --> 01:29:34,617 You're a professional asshole. That's what you do. 1351 01:29:34,785 --> 01:29:38,037 No. It's what I did. 1352 01:29:38,747 --> 01:29:41,958 Tank, I just don't think you're the one. 1353 01:29:45,004 --> 01:29:48,089 Not yet, but I'll get there. 1354 01:30:00,102 --> 01:30:01,478 You okay? 1355 01:31:14,593 --> 01:31:17,595 Without air, we cannot live. 1356 01:31:19,056 --> 01:31:21,099 I think those words resonate with people... 1357 01:31:21,267 --> 01:31:25,061 ...because they're really true, you know? 1358 01:31:30,359 --> 01:31:31,818 What? 1359 01:31:32,778 --> 01:31:34,904 I thought-- I thought that was a joke. 1360 01:31:35,322 --> 01:31:39,576 -It wasn't. What are you talking about? -Nothing. 1361 01:31:39,743 --> 01:31:41,119 Air? 1362 01:31:41,287 --> 01:31:44,330 Because I don't really think there's anything funny about air. 1363 01:31:44,498 --> 01:31:46,457 It's kind of too important. 1364 01:31:56,885 --> 01:31:58,511 Asshole. 1365 01:32:01,807 --> 01:32:02,807 -Hi. -Hi. 1366 01:32:02,975 --> 01:32:04,017 -I'm Alexis. -Hi. 1367 01:32:04,184 --> 01:32:06,686 Do you wanna know what this guy did? He humiliated me. 1368 01:32:06,854 --> 01:32:08,980 -He embarrassed me. He literally-- -Alexis. 1369 01:32:09,148 --> 01:32:10,315 I'm having a conversation. 1370 01:32:10,482 --> 01:32:13,860 I'm having a conversation. It's with her, it's not with you. 1371 01:32:14,820 --> 01:32:16,988 What this guy did to me makes me sick every day. 1372 01:32:17,156 --> 01:32:18,823 Physically ill. 1373 01:32:18,991 --> 01:32:21,492 But is that like lovesickness or like hatesickness? 1374 01:32:21,660 --> 01:32:23,911 -No, it's like morning sickness. -What? 1375 01:32:25,247 --> 01:32:28,583 Yeah, I'm pregnant, okay? So I'm sorry. 1376 01:32:29,293 --> 01:32:31,544 It makes me a little emotional. 1377 01:32:31,712 --> 01:32:35,006 -You're pregnant? -Yes, I'm fucking pregnant! 1378 01:32:35,174 --> 01:32:37,008 I probably should go. 1379 01:32:37,176 --> 01:32:38,676 But how? It's.... 1380 01:32:39,887 --> 01:32:41,804 How do you think? 1381 01:32:41,972 --> 01:32:43,348 That's right, everybody. 1382 01:32:43,515 --> 01:32:47,685 This asshole got me pregnant. 1383 01:32:48,270 --> 01:32:51,856 -I definitely think I should go. -Okay, I didn't know. I didn't know. 1384 01:32:52,024 --> 01:32:53,399 If you think that's bad... 1385 01:32:53,567 --> 01:32:55,860 ...you should hear what this guy did to my sister. 1386 01:32:56,028 --> 01:33:00,531 -Alexis, I've apologized a million times. -He got her pregnant too. 1387 01:33:01,200 --> 01:33:03,868 So there's two of us having a baby together... 1388 01:33:04,036 --> 01:33:07,455 ...about three and a half weeks apart. 1389 01:33:07,623 --> 01:33:09,207 -Yeah. -It was dark, I was drunk... 1390 01:33:09,375 --> 01:33:10,875 ...and I thought it was you. 1391 01:33:11,043 --> 01:33:12,585 Right? 1392 01:33:16,548 --> 01:33:19,550 I'm gonna go now. It was nice meeting you. 1393 01:33:19,718 --> 01:33:22,011 Yeah, nice to meet you too. 1394 01:33:23,472 --> 01:33:24,681 What's going on here? 1395 01:33:25,724 --> 01:33:27,975 Oh, I'm just saving another girl... 1396 01:33:28,143 --> 01:33:30,978 ...from the worst sex she'll ever have in her life. 1397 01:33:35,651 --> 01:33:38,069 Well, your mother never complained. 1398 01:33:39,988 --> 01:33:43,324 You wanna know why I didn't return your e-mails? 1399 01:33:43,951 --> 01:33:45,535 Your pathetic calls? 1400 01:33:46,745 --> 01:33:50,164 You are unattractive. I said it. 1401 01:33:52,000 --> 01:33:54,210 I'm not attractive. Well, let's put it this way. 1402 01:33:54,378 --> 01:33:57,588 I would kick your ass right now, but my foot might get sucked in. 1403 01:33:59,550 --> 01:34:03,928 I'd kick your dick right now, but my foot might get herpes. 1404 01:34:04,638 --> 01:34:07,432 Well, you know, you can stop trying to be clever, Alexis. 1405 01:34:07,599 --> 01:34:11,185 The funniest thing that'll ever come out of you is me. 1406 01:34:11,603 --> 01:34:13,730 All right, Tank. 1407 01:34:13,897 --> 01:34:16,274 You got the best joke here. 1408 01:34:17,317 --> 01:34:19,068 And it's in your pants. 1409 01:34:29,872 --> 01:34:31,956 -I hate you. -I hate you too. 1410 01:34:32,124 --> 01:34:33,916 Oh, baby. 1411 01:35:01,737 --> 01:35:03,446 M. 1412 01:35:03,614 --> 01:35:05,823 S at the bar. 1413 01:35:05,991 --> 01:35:07,033 Stay with me. 1414 01:35:07,201 --> 01:35:09,869 Stay with me, because a bona fide vitamin C... 1415 01:35:10,037 --> 01:35:13,331 ...is eye-fucking your shit as we speak. 1416 01:35:13,582 --> 01:35:15,333 Don't do that. 1417 01:35:15,501 --> 01:35:17,668 You just choked harder than Bill Buckner. 1418 01:35:17,836 --> 01:35:21,172 For God's sakes. That's not cool. 1419 01:35:29,223 --> 01:35:31,265 Can I buy you a drink? 1420 01:35:33,519 --> 01:35:35,186 Fuck it. 1421 01:35:37,356 --> 01:35:39,524 -Wait, l.... -What? 1422 01:35:41,819 --> 01:35:43,820 I gotta warn you. 1423 01:35:45,489 --> 01:35:47,365 I'm no angel. 1424 01:35:57,042 --> 01:35:58,084 Neither am I. 1425 01:36:02,881 --> 01:36:04,715 Jesus. 1426 01:36:08,053 --> 01:36:10,053 So...