1
00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:54,700
It was sort of a weird day.
The wind was lightish.

2
00:03:54,733 --> 00:03:56,667
I was just kiting there.

3
00:03:56,700 --> 00:04:00,200
I cut over to the south tower
and some stuff fell,

4
00:04:00,233 --> 00:04:02,367
so I cut back the other way...

5
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,767
and I just saw a mass
falling toward my kite.

6
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,600
I thought it was the same thing.

7
00:04:08,633 --> 00:04:11,233
And so I turned the kite back.

8
00:04:11,267 --> 00:04:14,233
Then I looked over,
and before they hit...

9
00:04:14,267 --> 00:04:17,167
I realized it was a person
that had jumped.

10
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,233
So then I cut over
just to see...

11
00:04:20,267 --> 00:04:22,467
or maybe, possibly help.

12
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:24,567
The current
just sucked them under.

13
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:29,233
I stayed in the tide
because I knew
the coast guard would come.

14
00:04:29,267 --> 00:04:33,033
That's when it became more
of a surreal experience to me...

15
00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:36,800
because I've seen
that coast guard boat
a million times.

16
00:04:36,833 --> 00:04:40,300
They've helped us out
and rescued us
when we had problems,

17
00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:44,633
but they were all wearing
the white hazmat suits,

18
00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:48,033
and that's when I realized
that there was definitely
a person in.

19
00:04:52,433 --> 00:04:55,533
I never knew the real scale
of the problem.

20
00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:58,433
I don't know.
The whole thing
is crazy to me.

21
00:04:58,467 --> 00:05:01,500
I just don't even
understand it, really.

22
00:05:01,533 --> 00:05:04,533
When I was riding back
after that time,

23
00:05:04,567 --> 00:05:07,400
I was thinking about how...

24
00:05:07,433 --> 00:05:12,067
that person was at
the lowest of the low
of their life, obviously,

25
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:15,133
and the whole day
all I could think about--

26
00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:17,433
"It's gonna be a good day
to go out and kite,"

27
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:20,100
and my passions for it,

28
00:05:20,133 --> 00:05:22,133
and here at
the same time, you know,

29
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:25,500
I'm reaching, you know,
for what I love to do,

30
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,433
and this person's
ending their life.

31
00:05:27,467 --> 00:05:30,067
So that was unreal.

32
00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:34,033
Yeah, exactly. Kiting is, to me,
a real celebration of life.

33
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,133
It's exhilarating.
It's thrilling.

34
00:05:36,167 --> 00:05:38,500
It's just awesome.

35
00:05:38,533 --> 00:05:41,700
So it's a real juxtaposition
of celebration of life...

36
00:05:41,733 --> 00:05:43,600
and the ending of life.

37
00:06:01,167 --> 00:06:02,433
Whoo-hoo!

38
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:09,500
It was one of those epic days
in San Francisco,

39
00:06:09,533 --> 00:06:11,300
driving across
the Golden Gate Bridge.

40
00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:14,400
It was crystal clear.
The bay was calm.

41
00:06:14,433 --> 00:06:17,033
There were tourists
walking across the bridge.

42
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:19,533
And usually
on those types of days...

43
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:22,133
I always soak in
the beauty of the bay...

44
00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:24,667
and look over to Alcatraz.

45
00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:29,767
And on that particular day
I looked over--

46
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,400
I was probably
a little bit more
than mid-span...

47
00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:35,233
when I saw...

48
00:06:35,267 --> 00:06:38,467
this gentleman
on the railings.

49
00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:40,800
And at first glance I thought,

50
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:43,400
"Wow, this guy looks like
he's gonna bungee jump."

51
00:06:43,433 --> 00:06:47,367
Because of the way that he
was standing on the railing.

52
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:50,367
And then common sense kicked in
and said, "You can't"--

53
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:54,100
My thoughts were,
you couldn't jump
off the bridge--

54
00:06:54,133 --> 00:06:56,233
bungee jump off the bridge.

55
00:06:56,267 --> 00:06:59,300
And then he just kind of
held his arms out...

56
00:06:59,333 --> 00:07:01,100
and disappeared.

57
00:07:01,133 --> 00:07:05,067
And I wasn't sure
if I was imagining this,

58
00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:09,333
and so I drove
for a few seconds, then looked
in my rearview mirror.

59
00:07:09,367 --> 00:07:11,300
My heart rate went up...

60
00:07:11,333 --> 00:07:16,167
and I almost felt like
I wanted to start crying,

61
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,633
because I thought to myself,

62
00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:24,233
"Wow, I might be one of
the last people that have
ever seen this person alive."

63
00:07:24,267 --> 00:07:28,667
When I went into the tower
and I talked to
the highway patrolman,

64
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:31,033
I asked him blatantly,

65
00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:35,067
"Is this a rare occurrence,
or does this happen often?"

66
00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:38,267
And he looked at me
and kinda smiled and just said,

67
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,233
"It happens all the time."

68
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:11,433
It's hard to define Gene
as a person.

69
00:08:11,467 --> 00:08:13,000
He was...

70
00:08:14,633 --> 00:08:19,133
um, just not of this world,
I think,

71
00:08:19,167 --> 00:08:21,200
is really the truth of it.

72
00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:23,333
Not of this world...

73
00:08:23,367 --> 00:08:25,400
as we know it.

74
00:08:25,433 --> 00:08:27,033
Um--

75
00:08:29,067 --> 00:08:33,200
His mother was a woman who said,
"Oh, I never want children."

76
00:08:33,233 --> 00:08:36,067
And then, uh,
a few years later...

77
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,233
she found herself pregnant...

78
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:41,433
and decided, um,

79
00:08:41,467 --> 00:08:43,633
to have the child...

80
00:08:43,667 --> 00:08:47,467
rather than
leave the country
for an alternative,

81
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:50,233
and she was
looking forward to it.

82
00:08:50,267 --> 00:08:54,133
And so came my--
my friend Gene,

83
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:58,133
who was always referred to
as my little brother, Thump.

84
00:08:58,167 --> 00:09:01,433
He was born an old man.

85
00:09:01,467 --> 00:09:04,700
Um, and all their lives...

86
00:09:04,733 --> 00:09:07,567
it was just the two of them,
pretty much.

87
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:10,300
Uh, people came and went
in their lives...

88
00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:12,333
in relationships
of various sorts,

89
00:09:12,367 --> 00:09:14,767
but it was mostly
just always...

90
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,367
the two of them,

91
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:19,333
dependent on each other for...

92
00:09:21,067 --> 00:09:24,033
that stability that, um,

93
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:27,100
one thinks of as
tomorrow is coming,

94
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:28,467
and we will do this,

95
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:30,400
and we will do that.

96
00:09:36,567 --> 00:09:39,067
Growing up with Lisa in Marin,

97
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:42,133
she was just like completely
normal until she was, like, 14.

98
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:43,633
Fourteen. Mm-hmm.

99
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:46,033
I'm four years older.
I moved away.

100
00:09:46,067 --> 00:09:48,633
I lived in Alaska,
and my mom would
write me and say,

101
00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:53,300
"Hey, Lisa's, um,
acting strange and
doing these things."

102
00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:55,467
And I kept telling her
it was...

103
00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:57,133
typical teenage stuff.

104
00:09:57,167 --> 00:09:59,367
I came back
10 months later...

105
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,367
and there was
a big change.

106
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,733
Our upbringing, uh, was--

107
00:10:05,433 --> 00:10:08,067
w-w-was fabulous, uh,
I would say,

108
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:11,267
until my father suddenly died
when I was 14.

109
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:13,633
That was a shock.
Um--

110
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:15,467
That threw
all three of us.

111
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,067
But it didn't make
Jeff and I mentally ill.

112
00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:20,667
But Lisa had
a different personality.

113
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:24,500
She wasn't as outgoing
as my brother or I,
and she was just--

114
00:10:24,533 --> 00:10:26,333
She was more angelic.

115
00:10:29,067 --> 00:10:31,700
We went through
all the counselors...

116
00:10:31,733 --> 00:10:35,500
and finally got her
to go to a psychiatrist,

117
00:10:35,533 --> 00:10:39,433
and he said that Lisa
is a paranoid schizophrenic...

118
00:10:39,467 --> 00:10:41,667
and she will never recover.

119
00:10:43,133 --> 00:10:46,233
That was a terrible thing
to tell a mother.

120
00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:50,600
He says, "You have to take her
right now to the crisis center
at Marin General."

121
00:10:50,633 --> 00:10:53,600
She immediately,
when we got there,
got on the pay phone...

122
00:10:53,633 --> 00:10:57,700
and started calling her friends
and telling them
how terrible I was...

123
00:10:57,733 --> 00:11:00,300
to bring her
to this place.

124
00:11:00,333 --> 00:11:04,700
Well, they brought her
into the crisis unit,
and do you know,

125
00:11:04,733 --> 00:11:09,233
for all the bad things
she did when she was home,

126
00:11:09,267 --> 00:11:11,767
she straightened up,

127
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,700
acted as if she was
perfectly normal,

128
00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:16,567
and they discharged her.

129
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:20,067
We went through that
several times.

130
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,433
She had her own style.

131
00:11:27,467 --> 00:11:31,200
She liked to wear headbands.
She liked to wear black.

132
00:11:31,233 --> 00:11:33,767
Black leather headbands
with rhinestones.

133
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,767
And matching gloves
with no fingers.

134
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,800
And she always wore
bicycle gloves.

135
00:11:38,833 --> 00:11:41,433
No.
Harley rider gloves.

136
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,533
You know? Leather.
Leather.
Leather.

137
00:11:43,567 --> 00:11:46,367
Leather gloves, yes.
She was
the leather queen.

138
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:06,467
I met Gene at a comic book
convention in Oakland.

139
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,633
We just hit it off
immediately.

140
00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:12,233
By looking at us,
you wouldn't think we would
become such tight friends,

141
00:12:12,267 --> 00:12:15,200
but we did, you know.

142
00:12:15,233 --> 00:12:20,433
He looked like
the cool rocker type,
you know.

143
00:12:20,467 --> 00:12:22,267
Long hair, you know.

144
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:26,467
Everything about him
is, you know, just cool,
and the ladies like it.

145
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,767
And I was Mr. Hip-hop,
you know--

146
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,700
other side of the spectrum
and stuff.

147
00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:32,767
Everything was black.

148
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,033
His clothes were black.
His hair was black.

149
00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:39,733
Uh, the curtains
were black.

150
00:12:39,767 --> 00:12:41,767
The walls were black.

151
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,300
The sheets were black.

152
00:12:44,333 --> 00:12:46,600
Um, he just wanted--

153
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:51,300
It's as though
he wanted no--

154
00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:53,300
no contrasts.

155
00:12:53,333 --> 00:12:57,333
He mostly just wanted
to be in his room
with his computer.

156
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:02,067
Me and Gene had long talks
about love...

157
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:05,067
and where he's trying
to find it.

158
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:08,733
And I told him,
he's not gonna find it
on the Internet.

159
00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:13,300
A lot of times
he didn't want to hear it.
He just wanted what he saw.

160
00:13:13,333 --> 00:13:16,233
He would send me pictures
of these girls, and I'm like,

161
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,167
"Dude, what are you doing?"
You know?

162
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,067
That's not--
That ain't it, you know?

163
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:27,233
I'm like, take time,
get to know this person.
You know?

164
00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:29,533
You don't know this person
from nothin'.

165
00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:32,300
Just because you read
a bio about this person...

166
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:35,467
and this person
wants to turn around
and have sex with you,

167
00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:37,333
that's not love,
you know.

168
00:13:48,833 --> 00:13:51,267
I noticed early on...

169
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:55,433
that Lisa was very interested
in-- in romance.

170
00:13:55,467 --> 00:14:00,633
Um, and I saw her go through
some very painful rejections.

171
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:04,567
She met a guy--
This was just before Christmas.

172
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:08,233
She took off with him
on a bus.

173
00:14:08,267 --> 00:14:11,467
She was gone for a week.
We had no idea where she was.

174
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:13,400
She was off her medication.

175
00:14:13,433 --> 00:14:16,067
And I was wrapping gifts.

176
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:20,633
All of the sudden, I looked up
and there was Lisa outside,

177
00:14:20,667 --> 00:14:23,133
just really in a bad state.

178
00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:27,333
She thought our dogs
were devils.

179
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:30,467
She broke a clock
because she thought
it was a time bomb.

180
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:32,800
I had to have
the police come out.

181
00:14:32,833 --> 00:14:36,767
But before they would admit her,
she had to have
a court order to get in...

182
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:40,700
because she'd been in and out
of the crisis so many times.

183
00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:46,100
Being a schizophrenic
is like watching TV...

184
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:49,733
and having 44 channels on
at the same time.

185
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:53,367
And that's her environment,
24/7. You know?

186
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,233
There's just, like,
little noises here,
or something there.

187
00:14:56,267 --> 00:14:58,433
I'm trying to talk here,

188
00:14:58,467 --> 00:15:01,600
but that's distracting me,
that's distracting me,
and it's all equal.

189
00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:05,467
That would
freak anybody out.

190
00:15:17,633 --> 00:15:20,200
She graduated
from house to house...

191
00:15:20,233 --> 00:15:23,500
to a home where
there was constant care,

192
00:15:23,533 --> 00:15:26,700
and finally
to independent living...

193
00:15:26,733 --> 00:15:28,733
for about 15 years.

194
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:30,767
That place
was great.
She had her own room.

195
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:34,267
She had a very nice
situation there.
She liked it there.

196
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:37,667
But one of her
roommates there-- Right?
Jumped off the bridge too.

197
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:41,433
No, this was a friend.
A friend of hers.
A friend.

198
00:15:41,467 --> 00:15:43,733
Two years ago?
Oh, no,
it's longer than that.

199
00:15:43,767 --> 00:15:46,567
Longer than that?
Much longer.

200
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:50,567
As far as pills
and other forms of suicide,

201
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:55,033
I haven't personally
experienced that
in my houses.

202
00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:59,667
It's like the last three people,
I think, who I was
kind of close to in Buckelew...

203
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:02,333
were all bridge jumpers.

204
00:16:13,067 --> 00:16:16,633
After she settled in in Marin,
she was pretty stable.

205
00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:18,667
Then all of the sudden
this past year...

206
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:21,633
she just felt she needed
more support for some reason.

207
00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:24,100
Do you think that was
the medication change?

208
00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:26,500
Um, no, I think it was
because she was ill.

209
00:16:26,533 --> 00:16:28,367
Oh, 'cause
she wasn't feeling good.

210
00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:32,267
Her teeth were just
so rotted.

211
00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:36,267
We felt it was from medication
and from drinking a lot of Coke.

212
00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:38,600
So she had to have
all her teeth removed.

213
00:16:38,633 --> 00:16:41,500
So she looked kinda
funny walking around
with no teeth.

214
00:16:41,533 --> 00:16:43,500
That was--
That was a problem too.

215
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:47,733
Just from then on,
downhill.

216
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:57,100
Let's stay together.

217
00:16:57,133 --> 00:16:59,400
The Golden Gate Bridge
was designed by Joseph Strauss.

218
00:16:59,433 --> 00:17:02,467
It opened in 1937.

219
00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:04,733
Each year,
about nine million tourists--

220
00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:09,500
Well, we went
for Easter vacation...

221
00:17:09,533 --> 00:17:12,800
to take all the kids
to San Francisco.

222
00:17:12,833 --> 00:17:15,700
Before going to
the Alcatraz--

223
00:17:15,733 --> 00:17:18,767
Before going to
the Golden Bridge,
we went to Alcatraz...

224
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,333
and we went to, um,

225
00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:23,467
the Pier 39.

226
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:27,733
And from there we took a walk
to the Golden Gate.

227
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,767
We had a big dinner on--

228
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:37,333
The week before Easter.
The week before. Palm Sunday.

229
00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:40,700
So I said, "Lisa, I'm not
going to fix a big dinner
on Easter Sunday."

230
00:17:40,733 --> 00:17:42,767
The kids weren't
going to be around.

231
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,600
Mm-hmm.
So--

232
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:48,067
Except that was
a tradition in our family,
to get together.

233
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:52,167
But-- Well,
she didn't seem to mind.
She never objected.

234
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,233
So I called her
about 1:00 on--

235
00:17:55,267 --> 00:17:58,500
She didn't feel good that week.
She still didn't go to work.

236
00:17:58,533 --> 00:18:02,733
So I said, "I guess I could
come down, but I don't know
what I can do."

237
00:18:08,233 --> 00:18:10,400
Lisa was so quiet...

238
00:18:10,433 --> 00:18:12,800
and oftentimes had this--

239
00:18:12,833 --> 00:18:15,733
I don't know how you'd say--
A poker face, or--

240
00:18:15,767 --> 00:18:18,167
She kept her feelings
to herself.

241
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:22,767
She wasn't one to, you know,
get all emotional,
which surprised me.

242
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:26,300
'Cause I look back now
at Muir Woods.

243
00:18:26,333 --> 00:18:28,300
We were walking down
the little trail...

244
00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:31,167
and there was
this huge redwood tree...

245
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,400
lying in the middle
of the path,

246
00:18:33,433 --> 00:18:36,367
and she looked at it
and she goes,
"Wow! Look at that!"

247
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:40,400
Sounds like no big deal,
but for Lisa that was like--

248
00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:42,167
that was different.

249
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,433
And then she came home--

250
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:48,400
I guess she was hungry,
and she asked a girl there,
"Did you fix dinner?"

251
00:18:48,433 --> 00:18:50,133
And they said, "No."

252
00:18:50,167 --> 00:18:52,367
So then they said
she was very quiet.

253
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:56,400
She got in the freezer,
took something out
and fixed it herself.

254
00:18:56,433 --> 00:18:58,800
And after she had eaten--

255
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:01,600
they said she was very quiet
when she was eating--

256
00:19:01,633 --> 00:19:04,633
she got up
and took her purse
and her jacket...

257
00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:06,700
and off she went.

258
00:19:06,733 --> 00:19:08,733
And that's the last
they saw her.

259
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:20,100
We were taking pictures
of each other.

260
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:22,100
I was taking pictures
to them,

261
00:19:22,133 --> 00:19:24,433
and Paolo was
taking pictures to us.

262
00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:26,667
And they were playing.

263
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:29,067
Uh--
And I got scared.

264
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:33,233
He was holding the baby,
and we were walking, and, uh--

265
00:19:33,267 --> 00:19:35,667
Then we saw
that lady.

266
00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:38,767
The lady just put the--
The bag
on the ground.

267
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,767
And she jumped off.

268
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,067
And I said,
"She jumped! She jumped!"

269
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:48,233
And I was like--
And she told my brother
to go call the cops.

270
00:19:48,267 --> 00:19:52,633
Paolo went running down
to get some help...

271
00:19:52,667 --> 00:19:54,767
because I wanted
somebody to help her...

272
00:19:54,800 --> 00:20:00,433
because for us, it was
the first time to see somebody
jump off the bridge.

273
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:07,500
And before she jump,
she look at me and Vidal
and he was laughing.

274
00:20:07,533 --> 00:20:11,400
She laughed, like a smile,
like, "You don't know
what I'm gonna do, but"--

275
00:20:11,433 --> 00:20:14,533
She smile and jump
and, uh--

276
00:20:14,567 --> 00:20:18,367
Like, she-- she--
sh-she was acting like--

277
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,267
like a gorilla
or something.

278
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:22,433
¡Ay, Sebastián!

279
00:20:22,467 --> 00:20:24,500
No, that's not--

280
00:20:24,533 --> 00:20:27,467
He likes to
make things up.

281
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:40,367
I'm not 100% convinced
that she did commit suicide.

282
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:44,400
Um, I don't know
if someone had accompanied her
to the Golden Gate Bridge...

283
00:20:44,433 --> 00:20:47,100
and had encouraged her
to jump.

284
00:20:47,133 --> 00:20:52,600
I don't know if someone
had been pressuring her to go to
the Golden Gate Bridge and jump.

285
00:20:52,633 --> 00:20:57,167
And certainly
it is a highly risky,

286
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,500
rather glorious, uh, way...

287
00:21:00,533 --> 00:21:03,633
to draw attention to oneself.

288
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:10,367
My brother's very religious.

289
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,333
He doesn't believe
she committed suicide.

290
00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:14,400
He thinks
it's something else.

291
00:21:14,433 --> 00:21:16,600
I don't know
what he thinks.
I didn't know that.

292
00:21:16,633 --> 00:21:19,333
Well, he won't
call it that because...

293
00:21:19,367 --> 00:21:22,033
it's a sin
to commit suicide
in his mind,

294
00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:24,500
and that's not
what she did.

295
00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:27,533
She fell or something.
I don't know what he--

296
00:21:27,567 --> 00:21:31,100
He's coming up
with different
justifications, so--

297
00:21:31,133 --> 00:21:34,333
He doesn't talk to me
like that, so--

298
00:21:34,367 --> 00:21:38,667
Thing is, if you go
stand on that bridge
and look down,

299
00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:44,100
the amount of guts
that you have to have to stick
anything over that rail--

300
00:21:44,133 --> 00:21:47,467
It must have been incredible,
the pressure on her.

301
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:50,533
It had to be worse than
the thought of doing that.

302
00:21:50,567 --> 00:21:54,633
And I've always thought
of myself as a stronger
person than her,

303
00:21:54,667 --> 00:21:57,167
and there's no way
I would have the guts
to do that,

304
00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:00,067
even with a parachute
or something.

305
00:22:00,100 --> 00:22:04,400
And for her to just do it
and just like that,
it was like--

306
00:22:04,433 --> 00:22:06,767
We still can't--
I still can't believe it.

307
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,467
My family, my husband,
my kids, we're like,

308
00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:13,100
"How did she even
think about doing that?"

309
00:22:13,133 --> 00:22:17,033
It was a relief.
A relief for her.

310
00:22:17,067 --> 00:22:21,800
Because she knew that
she probably never would be
physically well again,

311
00:22:21,833 --> 00:22:24,467
and she knew she had
the mental illness.

312
00:22:24,500 --> 00:22:27,800
And she was just at
the end of her rope.

313
00:22:27,833 --> 00:22:31,033
There were
too many things. So--

314
00:22:31,067 --> 00:22:34,667
Yeah, I agree with that--
She's in a better place.
That's all I can say.

315
00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:38,367
You have to look at it
that way. You know?

316
00:23:12,667 --> 00:23:16,467
I'd try and relive,
you know, when doing something--

317
00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:18,467
say, "This is something
Philip likes,"

318
00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:21,267
or "My son would like this."

319
00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:24,633
He's still there with me,
you know,

320
00:23:24,667 --> 00:23:27,433
if I go somewhere,
a ball game or somethin'.

321
00:23:27,467 --> 00:23:29,300
He's there.

322
00:23:31,100 --> 00:23:33,400
And, um,

323
00:23:33,433 --> 00:23:36,533
I think
I'm getting more
of an understanding...

324
00:23:36,567 --> 00:23:39,600
of what
he went through
toward the end.

325
00:23:39,633 --> 00:23:41,700
'Cause you feel
the same way.

326
00:23:41,733 --> 00:23:45,700
It's just, you know,
what makes any of us
go over that line?

327
00:23:45,733 --> 00:23:48,533
It's just--

328
00:23:50,433 --> 00:23:52,633
Some days you--
you think like that yourself.

329
00:23:52,667 --> 00:23:55,667
It's just,
he thought about it
every day.

330
00:23:55,700 --> 00:23:57,433
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

331
00:24:00,833 --> 00:24:02,767
What makes a person...

332
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:05,333
be able to do that?

333
00:24:05,367 --> 00:24:08,367
I don't know.
I don't have
the answer to that.

334
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,733
Well, it's--
It's like any pain.

335
00:24:10,767 --> 00:24:14,433
When it becomes unbearable,
you'll do anything.

336
00:24:14,467 --> 00:24:16,767
It's like physical cancer.
Yeah, I can't-- Yeah.

337
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,400
If you have cancer
of the-- of the mind,

338
00:24:20,433 --> 00:24:22,700
you know, nobody knows
what you're going through.

339
00:24:28,633 --> 00:24:32,267
I mean, it was like
our hands being tied.

340
00:24:32,300 --> 00:24:35,433
No matter how much
we talked to him--

341
00:24:35,467 --> 00:24:38,167
I mean,
he was in and out
of the hospital.

342
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:41,333
The doctors
talked to him and...

343
00:24:41,367 --> 00:24:44,733
it was like nothing
would change his mind.

344
00:24:47,533 --> 00:24:51,367
In fact,
I think the medicines
made him worse.

345
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,633
We thought,
you know, if we can get him
through his episodes--

346
00:24:54,667 --> 00:24:56,533
But that's the crazy thing.

347
00:24:56,567 --> 00:24:59,367
As soon as you get
somebody strong enough,

348
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,600
that's when they
have the courage.

349
00:25:04,233 --> 00:25:07,100
So, do you make 'em well
or do you keep 'em sick?

350
00:25:08,100 --> 00:25:10,300
Uh--

351
00:25:12,333 --> 00:25:14,300
He tried it a few times,

352
00:25:14,333 --> 00:25:16,400
but his second attempt,
he said,

353
00:25:16,433 --> 00:25:19,767
"My third attempt
is not gonna fail.
I'll make sure of it."

354
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:26,733
He researched it and found
the Golden Gate Bridge
on the Internet.

355
00:25:26,767 --> 00:25:29,333
He said to him
it was the best way.

356
00:25:30,833 --> 00:25:33,133
It was planned out
for months,

357
00:25:33,167 --> 00:25:37,167
and then the final two weeks
he was making
his last preparations.

358
00:25:39,567 --> 00:25:44,033
He said whether some people
believe suicide is a sin
or not--

359
00:25:44,067 --> 00:25:45,467
He asked that a lot.

360
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,333
I said, "It's something
man made up."

361
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:55,400
Um, at least he thanked me
for telling him the truth.

362
00:25:55,433 --> 00:25:58,767
Just-- You know,
I don't know.

363
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:02,200
You know, I don't think God's
gonna hold you responsible...

364
00:26:02,233 --> 00:26:04,800
for something
you can't handle.

365
00:26:04,833 --> 00:26:08,700
And he said,
"Well, whether I come back
or not, you know,

366
00:26:08,733 --> 00:26:10,733
if I do,
I'll see you again, Dad.

367
00:26:10,767 --> 00:26:13,467
If not, just know
that I'm at peace."

368
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,700
What I'm trying to say is,
I didn't want him to feel...

369
00:26:27,733 --> 00:26:30,400
like he was in a cage
inside of himself.

370
00:26:30,433 --> 00:26:33,133
Some people say
their body's a temple.

371
00:26:33,167 --> 00:26:35,433
He thought his body
was a prison.

372
00:26:35,467 --> 00:26:38,500
In his mind
he knew he was loved.

373
00:26:38,533 --> 00:26:41,467
He knew he had everything,
could do anything,

374
00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:43,767
and yet...
he felt trapped.

375
00:26:45,467 --> 00:26:47,367
That was the only way
he could get free.

376
00:27:05,133 --> 00:27:08,100
Gene was very
overly dramatic.

377
00:27:08,133 --> 00:27:09,633
Even the simplest things...

378
00:27:09,667 --> 00:27:12,667
were very long and drawn out
and very hard.

379
00:27:12,700 --> 00:27:15,533
He would always say things
like, "Kill me now."

380
00:27:15,567 --> 00:27:17,567
You would be talking
about something...

381
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,167
and ask him, "What do you
want for breakfast?"

382
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,767
"Oh, I don't care.
Just kill me."

383
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,367
"Okay, well, where do you want
to go look for a job today?"

384
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,300
"I don't care.
It's not gonna matter.
Just kill me."

385
00:27:27,333 --> 00:27:29,567
"Might be easier
if you'd just kill me."

386
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,567
You didn't take him serious
if he said certain things,

387
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,533
because he would almost say it
in a joking manner.

388
00:27:34,567 --> 00:27:38,233
He wouldn't say it
with this intensity of,

389
00:27:38,267 --> 00:27:41,400
you know, like,
"I'm gonna do it this time!"

390
00:27:41,433 --> 00:27:44,433
He wasn't that person.
He would make light of it.

391
00:27:44,467 --> 00:27:47,767
"Man, I'm gonna commit suicide.
I'm gonna just shoot myself.

392
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,467
I'm gonna do it
with a bow and arrow."

393
00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:53,467
And when he would
say this stuff, we were
just like, "Yeah, whatever."

394
00:27:53,500 --> 00:27:57,200
And years and years
and years would go by--
He's crying wolf.

395
00:28:00,833 --> 00:28:03,800
But he was still fun
to be around.

396
00:28:03,833 --> 00:28:06,367
It sounds--
When I hear myself
saying it,

397
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:08,533
it sounds like
he wasn't fun.

398
00:28:08,567 --> 00:28:12,400
He was fun to be around,
fun to go out with,
go to clubs with and stuff.

399
00:28:12,433 --> 00:28:15,033
He would just get
in those little funks,

400
00:28:15,067 --> 00:28:19,400
and pretty soon
it was... just like
I didn't even--

401
00:28:19,433 --> 00:28:21,533
I didn't even pay it
any attention.

402
00:28:21,567 --> 00:28:25,433
It was just something
he said all the time,
in every conversation.

403
00:28:27,267 --> 00:28:30,167
We ask everyone on board
to take your seats...

404
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:31,700
as we go under the bridge.

405
00:28:31,733 --> 00:28:34,733
The swells and tides
are very unpredictable.

406
00:28:36,167 --> 00:28:39,433
The Golden Gate Bridge
is 1.7 miles long.

407
00:28:39,467 --> 00:28:43,267
The towers
are 746 feet tall.

408
00:28:43,300 --> 00:28:47,467
The roadway is suspended
220 feet above the water
at center span.

409
00:28:49,700 --> 00:28:51,600
The Golden Gate Bridge--
Thanks so much.

410
00:28:51,633 --> 00:28:54,767
is the most photographed
man-made structure
in North America...

411
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:59,000
and it is considered
one of the seven wonders
of the modern world.

412
00:29:01,367 --> 00:29:04,567
We had gone to
Montana, Glacier National Park,
the year before.

413
00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:06,767
Philip had a blast there.

414
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:09,800
We told him if he got out
of the army in time,
which he did,

415
00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:12,200
that we were
going back there.

416
00:29:12,233 --> 00:29:16,233
They had those forest fires,
and so we couldn't get in.

417
00:29:16,267 --> 00:29:19,600
I had been to San Francisco
before, and I said,
"You'll love it there."

418
00:29:19,633 --> 00:29:22,067
And the bridge fascinated him.

419
00:29:22,100 --> 00:29:25,100
For some reason, yeah,
while we were driving
across the bridge,

420
00:29:25,133 --> 00:29:27,733
he just kept
looking around.

421
00:29:27,767 --> 00:29:30,600
I just thought
it was kind of odd,
you know, that he would be--

422
00:29:30,633 --> 00:29:32,667
And he wanted
to get out.

423
00:29:32,700 --> 00:29:35,267
He says,
"Can we walk
along the bridge?"

424
00:29:35,300 --> 00:29:38,600
I says, "I guess
there are people who can
walk along the bridge."

425
00:29:38,633 --> 00:29:41,133
We were on a tour bus.
Yeah.

426
00:29:41,167 --> 00:29:44,067
I says,
"But we can't get out now."

427
00:29:44,100 --> 00:29:47,133
Um, he just, like, kept
looking out the window...

428
00:29:47,167 --> 00:29:50,333
like he wanted to get out
and just look around.

429
00:29:53,300 --> 00:29:56,633
He thought it was
just so beautiful.

430
00:29:56,667 --> 00:29:58,800
Well, we did get
out of the bus,

431
00:29:58,833 --> 00:30:01,133
and he wanted his picture taken
a few times...

432
00:30:01,167 --> 00:30:04,533
with the bridge
in the background.

433
00:30:04,567 --> 00:30:06,200
He'd ask
questions.

434
00:30:06,233 --> 00:30:09,233
How deep do you think it is?
How high do you think it is?

435
00:30:12,500 --> 00:30:15,367
I mean, I liked
the bridge too, but--

436
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,733
I mean, he just seemed
so fascinated by it,
and I just--

437
00:30:18,767 --> 00:30:21,133
just thought
that was kinda odd...

438
00:30:21,167 --> 00:30:23,767
to have
such a fascination
with it.

439
00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:27,567
I don't know. It was
like almost calling him,
you know, type thing.

440
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:30,600
It was...
like magnetic to him.

441
00:30:30,633 --> 00:30:32,333
Yeah.

442
00:30:33,767 --> 00:30:35,567
I don't know.

443
00:30:39,100 --> 00:30:41,633
We thought he might go
and live out there.

444
00:30:41,667 --> 00:30:45,267
Even if he's homeless,
at least he has a city he loves.

445
00:30:45,300 --> 00:30:48,367
'Cause he was homeless in Texas.
Lived out of his car.

446
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:50,433
Met two girls online.

447
00:30:50,467 --> 00:30:54,067
Went down twice.
Those didn't work.

448
00:30:54,100 --> 00:30:58,033
He always fell in love
with the wrong person.

449
00:30:58,067 --> 00:31:00,667
I think everything
just disillusioned him.

450
00:31:00,700 --> 00:31:04,633
He had this idealistic
view of things...

451
00:31:04,667 --> 00:31:09,700
and this perception
of how everything
should be,

452
00:31:09,733 --> 00:31:12,633
and then when
it didn't meet up
to his expectations--

453
00:31:14,233 --> 00:31:17,433
After a while it was like,
"What's the point then?"

454
00:31:20,167 --> 00:31:22,533
But he still had to
make a choice.

455
00:31:31,100 --> 00:31:34,700
Gene's choice, his preference,
had been made years before.

456
00:31:34,733 --> 00:31:37,600
He became
increasingly alienated...

457
00:31:37,633 --> 00:31:42,167
and he had told his mother
that he wanted
to kill himself,

458
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:44,567
and she, in essence,
had told him,

459
00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:46,600
I didn't invest
a lifetime in you...

460
00:31:46,633 --> 00:31:49,500
to have you die on me,

461
00:31:49,533 --> 00:31:51,767
kill yourself
and walk away.

462
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:55,467
You don't have
a right to do that
while I'm alive.

463
00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:01,200
And I think it was
very hard for him...

464
00:32:01,233 --> 00:32:04,033
to watch his mother's...

465
00:32:04,067 --> 00:32:07,333
nonparticipation
in a battle with cancer...

466
00:32:07,367 --> 00:32:09,767
that she might have won.

467
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,633
Uh, it was a choice
on her part.

468
00:32:14,100 --> 00:32:15,733
When I talked to him,

469
00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:20,533
he was acting as if,
"life goes on," you know,
type situation.

470
00:32:20,567 --> 00:32:22,733
And, you know, and...

471
00:32:22,767 --> 00:32:25,467
I would always tell him,
I'm here for you.

472
00:32:25,500 --> 00:32:28,333
You still got family,
no matter what, you know.

473
00:32:28,367 --> 00:32:30,733
I'm a brother
from another mother.

474
00:32:30,767 --> 00:32:34,500
He said to me,
after she was gone--

475
00:32:34,533 --> 00:32:37,733
and there was a lot
of stuff to clean up--

476
00:32:37,767 --> 00:32:40,800
and he said,
"Well, now I can finally--

477
00:32:40,833 --> 00:32:44,367
um, now I can finally
end it all."

478
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:49,767
And I looked at him and I said,
"Well, you will promise me...

479
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:53,233
that you will not go
without saying good-bye."

480
00:33:02,100 --> 00:33:04,400
I remember coming home--

481
00:33:04,433 --> 00:33:06,433
'Cause Thursday night's
garbage day...

482
00:33:06,467 --> 00:33:08,467
and Friday's recycling day.

483
00:33:08,500 --> 00:33:11,433
And Philip even did that
before he left--

484
00:33:11,467 --> 00:33:14,500
he took the recycling things
out to the curb.

485
00:33:14,533 --> 00:33:18,167
I came home that Friday
and they were empty,

486
00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:21,733
and I said,
"It's unusual for him not to
bring the buckets back in."

487
00:33:23,067 --> 00:33:25,233
And when I
came in the house...

488
00:33:25,267 --> 00:33:27,467
as soon as she said,
"Where's Philip?
Isn't he with you?"

489
00:33:27,500 --> 00:33:30,033
And I was like,
"He did it."

490
00:33:30,067 --> 00:33:31,433
I knew.

491
00:33:33,833 --> 00:33:38,167
And here's
th-th-the hard part for me.

492
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:41,100
I had a feeling
it was going to be
in San Francisco,

493
00:33:41,133 --> 00:33:44,033
but I said,
If he's in San Francisco...

494
00:33:44,067 --> 00:33:49,133
and I call the police
to stop him,
if I have time yet,

495
00:33:49,167 --> 00:33:51,233
that he's just gonna
hang himself...

496
00:33:51,267 --> 00:33:53,267
or have the policemen
shoot him.

497
00:33:54,833 --> 00:33:59,667
And I said,
if he's that determined,
I have to let him go.

498
00:33:59,700 --> 00:34:03,533
But when she asked me I said,
"No, he's not coming home."

499
00:34:03,567 --> 00:34:06,433
And, uh,
from the death certificate...

500
00:34:06,467 --> 00:34:09,200
he was already done.

501
00:34:09,233 --> 00:34:12,333
It was just waiting
for the policemen
to show up at the door.

502
00:34:29,167 --> 00:34:32,800
We just came around the corner
after snapping the shot...

503
00:34:32,833 --> 00:34:36,433
with San Francisco
in the backdrop,
and he was right there.

504
00:34:36,467 --> 00:34:39,600
Yeah, sort of surprised him.
Yeah, we startled him.

505
00:34:39,633 --> 00:34:41,367
Came upon him--

506
00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:43,600
He was taking off
his backpack...

507
00:34:43,633 --> 00:34:46,200
In hindsight,
he was probably
getting ready to jump.

508
00:34:46,233 --> 00:34:48,633
Then he put back his backpack on
really quickly...

509
00:34:48,667 --> 00:34:50,433
and acted nervous.

510
00:34:50,467 --> 00:34:52,767
We interrupted him
from jumping.

511
00:34:56,167 --> 00:34:57,667
You spoke with him,

512
00:34:57,700 --> 00:35:00,100
'cause you noticed
something odd.

513
00:35:00,133 --> 00:35:02,133
Yeah, just
his whole body language,

514
00:35:02,167 --> 00:35:04,600
his whole energy was--
was just a bit off.

515
00:35:04,633 --> 00:35:08,433
He was definitely nervous
and he was shuffling
his shoulder.

516
00:35:08,467 --> 00:35:11,467
I initially picked up
on that and said,

517
00:35:11,500 --> 00:35:14,267
"Are you okay?
Wh-What's going on?"

518
00:35:14,300 --> 00:35:18,267
And, uh, at that point,
he, uh-- he made
brief eye contact.

519
00:35:18,300 --> 00:35:20,100
Well-dressed guy.
Yeah.

520
00:35:20,133 --> 00:35:22,533
Brief eye contact too.
He was very nervous.

521
00:35:22,567 --> 00:35:25,100
He wouldn't look you
in the eye for very long.

522
00:35:25,133 --> 00:35:28,200
He just kept darting away,
looking away.

523
00:35:28,233 --> 00:35:32,667
And his biggest concern,
when you asked him,
"Are you all right?"

524
00:35:32,700 --> 00:35:36,267
Uh, he said,
"It's a long way down
to the water."

525
00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:39,300
Yeah, he said,
"It's a long way down."
"Long way down." Right.

526
00:35:39,333 --> 00:35:44,733
I, uh-- I didn't know
how to quite take that
when I heard him say that.

527
00:35:44,767 --> 00:35:47,167
And I didn't know
if I'd heard him
correctly.

528
00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:50,133
I thought maybe he meant
it's a long way back to
the other side of the bridge,

529
00:35:50,167 --> 00:35:53,500
and here I am thinking,
"You're three-quarters of
the way. You're close."

530
00:35:53,533 --> 00:35:56,133
And of course
that wasn't the case.

531
00:35:56,167 --> 00:35:59,200
And we didn't see him jump.
Did not see him jump.

532
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:17,300
To me he said he was just
gonna go down so deep...

533
00:36:17,333 --> 00:36:19,500
that even if he changed his mind
he couldn't swim to the top,

534
00:36:19,533 --> 00:36:23,167
but the coroner said
it was over instantly.

535
00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:33,233
Boy, imagine what this
looks like to people.

536
00:36:33,267 --> 00:36:36,267
They probably look at us
and say, what kind of
mother and father were they?

537
00:36:36,300 --> 00:36:37,700
Yeah.

538
00:36:37,733 --> 00:36:40,433
I wasn't perfect,

539
00:36:40,467 --> 00:36:43,600
but, I mean,
I don't think I was
such a terrible mother.

540
00:36:47,133 --> 00:36:50,567
And then I remember
Sharon said to me,

541
00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:53,233
"You know,
it's not all about you.

542
00:36:53,267 --> 00:36:55,467
It has nothing
to do with you."

543
00:36:59,367 --> 00:37:02,600
Yeah, I mean,
I was raised in a family
that's "dysfunctional"--

544
00:37:02,633 --> 00:37:04,433
I mean, yeah.
So was I.

545
00:37:04,467 --> 00:37:07,033
My father was alcoholic.
Hers was alcoholic.

546
00:37:07,067 --> 00:37:11,067
They fought like cats and dogs,
you know, and... the abuse and--

547
00:37:11,100 --> 00:37:13,633
Yeah, I should be an alcoholic.
I should be a serial killer.

548
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:20,367
You think you're raising
your family to be, you know,
religious or whatever,

549
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:22,467
and you try
and do the best,

550
00:37:22,500 --> 00:37:26,233
but you wind up doing
more things that are harmful.

551
00:37:26,267 --> 00:37:29,467
And then
when you try and fix them,
it might be too late.

552
00:37:31,500 --> 00:37:34,700
And it's like,
well, no matter what you do,
good or bad,

553
00:37:34,733 --> 00:37:36,733
it's, you know--
things are gonna happen.

554
00:37:39,167 --> 00:37:43,367
And he said,
"If you and Mom, who I love,
you know, are having problems,

555
00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:46,200
what hope is there for me?

556
00:37:46,233 --> 00:37:49,533
I think you loved me the most
and tried your best,

557
00:37:49,567 --> 00:37:52,133
and if you're
having problems,

558
00:37:52,167 --> 00:37:54,767
you know, there's no way
I can make it."

559
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,767
Yeah.

560
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:10,133
Took a lot of pictures
while he was on the bridge.
Yeah.

561
00:38:12,333 --> 00:38:15,167
He wanted to show
what he was seeing,

562
00:38:16,433 --> 00:38:18,067
what he was feeling.

563
00:40:32,633 --> 00:40:36,333
I was taking pictures
of Alcatraz at the time.

564
00:40:36,367 --> 00:40:40,633
While I was taking a picture
I saw, out of the corner
of my eye, a girl walking by.

565
00:40:40,667 --> 00:40:43,200
She climbed over the rail,

566
00:40:43,233 --> 00:40:46,600
and she did it so smoothly
it was almost like
she was going to a little--

567
00:40:46,633 --> 00:40:49,233
like she had
her own little clubhouse,

568
00:40:49,267 --> 00:40:52,467
I don't know, like she was
going to sit on the ledge
to eat lunch.

569
00:40:55,633 --> 00:40:59,633
So I got a couple pictures
of her climbing over,

570
00:40:59,667 --> 00:41:02,567
and then I started
taking pictures of her
standing on the ledge...

571
00:41:02,600 --> 00:41:06,333
and I realized that
this girl was about to jump.

572
00:41:06,367 --> 00:41:08,500
But when I was
behind the camera...

573
00:41:08,533 --> 00:41:10,500
it was almost like
it wasn't real...

574
00:41:10,533 --> 00:41:13,200
'cause I was
looking through the lens.

575
00:41:14,367 --> 00:41:16,467
I was actually, like--

576
00:41:16,500 --> 00:41:20,200
I guess I was waiting for her
to jump, 'cause I thought
there was nothing I could do.

577
00:41:20,233 --> 00:41:21,600
It was too late.

578
00:41:26,167 --> 00:41:29,100
Earlier I was actually
staring down at the ledge...

579
00:41:29,133 --> 00:41:31,633
at a couple different points
on the bridge,

580
00:41:31,667 --> 00:41:35,467
and I was just trying
to think to myself what goes
through peoples' minds...

581
00:41:35,500 --> 00:41:38,367
whenever they're standing
on that ledge and they're
about to jump off.

582
00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:41,167
What's the last thing
that they're thinking of?

583
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:43,233
Or are they thinking
anything at all?

584
00:41:43,267 --> 00:41:46,467
They just-- They just had enough
and they just go and...

585
00:41:46,500 --> 00:41:48,367
that's it, they're gone.

586
00:41:55,600 --> 00:42:00,333
I started yelling out
to the girl, you know,
asking her what was wrong.

587
00:42:00,367 --> 00:42:03,500
She seemed to be speaking
in a different language...

588
00:42:03,533 --> 00:42:05,567
and basically,
like, tuning me out,

589
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:08,367
like, thoroughly not thinking
about what I was saying.

590
00:42:09,833 --> 00:42:12,667
So I got up on the rail...

591
00:42:12,700 --> 00:42:14,667
and I reached out--

592
00:42:14,700 --> 00:42:18,100
I really didn't know
I was gonna be able to grab
the back of her jacket,

593
00:42:18,133 --> 00:42:21,800
but once I grabbed it
I just lifted her
over the rail...

594
00:42:21,833 --> 00:42:23,800
and got her
down on the ground.

595
00:42:23,833 --> 00:42:26,400
She started to fight me
a little bit,

596
00:42:26,433 --> 00:42:30,700
so I just sat on her chest
and just called 911.

597
00:42:30,733 --> 00:42:33,500
They were probably there
within a couple minutes.

598
00:42:39,367 --> 00:42:41,367
As crazy as it sounds,

599
00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:45,367
I think of myself like
a National Geographic
photographer must feel.

600
00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:48,167
He's behind the camera filming,

601
00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:50,800
and there's like a big tiger
running at him,

602
00:42:50,833 --> 00:42:55,533
and he's, like,
this footage is so great
he forgets that, you know,

603
00:42:55,567 --> 00:42:59,233
in a couple seconds
that tiger's gonna be
on top of him.

604
00:42:59,267 --> 00:43:02,467
But it's like
you're in that camera,
you're just behind,

605
00:43:02,500 --> 00:43:05,267
and you don't really think
about what's going on.

606
00:43:05,300 --> 00:43:07,367
That's where
I had to separate,

607
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:10,533
or I actually
had to get out of
that mode of thinking...

608
00:43:10,567 --> 00:43:14,267
and actually act on it
and do something to help her.

609
00:43:17,467 --> 00:43:19,433
After I left
the bridge patrol,

610
00:43:19,467 --> 00:43:21,767
I was going back
to my vehicle...

611
00:43:21,800 --> 00:43:25,567
and I happened to look over,
and it kinda looked like
she'd turned back...

612
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:28,100
and she looked right at me.

613
00:43:28,133 --> 00:43:30,033
And it freaked me out
for a second.

614
00:43:31,300 --> 00:43:34,333
I just didn't expect her
to, like, look back.

615
00:43:34,367 --> 00:43:37,433
I don't know
if she actually saw me...

616
00:43:37,467 --> 00:43:41,233
and was thinking, like,
"You son of a bitch,
I wanted to jump,"

617
00:43:41,267 --> 00:43:46,467
or whatever it was that, uh--
that she was thinking.

618
00:43:50,633 --> 00:43:54,333
I'm sure that in some way
she did want to be rescued...

619
00:43:54,367 --> 00:43:58,300
because if she really
wanted to commit suicide...

620
00:43:58,333 --> 00:44:03,700
and just take that,
basically, ultimate shortcut
to the next level,

621
00:44:03,733 --> 00:44:07,800
that she would have
just climbed over
and just jumped right off.

622
00:44:07,833 --> 00:44:12,567
So I-I think that she was
sort of crying out for help
there a little bit.

623
00:44:13,667 --> 00:44:15,767
The police did tell me...

624
00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:18,733
that she was involved
in another incident
on the bridge...

625
00:44:18,767 --> 00:44:21,600
and they talked her
out of it.

626
00:44:21,633 --> 00:44:24,567
And I just hope
that she's doing okay.

627
00:45:00,733 --> 00:45:03,800
Gene had a lot riding
on this relationship.

628
00:45:03,833 --> 00:45:06,067
He wanted to get out
of California,

629
00:45:06,100 --> 00:45:08,567
and he felt that
it was gonna be like
a new beginning.

630
00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:11,533
I think he had--

631
00:45:11,567 --> 00:45:15,367
he had it planned out
in his head
how it was gonna happen,

632
00:45:15,400 --> 00:45:19,533
and then when he got there
the reality wasn't quite
what was in his head.

633
00:45:19,567 --> 00:45:22,400
Yeah, he-he--
I think he was chasing...

634
00:45:22,433 --> 00:45:27,133
a certain magical wonderland
that would make
all his problems go away...

635
00:45:27,167 --> 00:45:31,033
and making excuses
as to why he couldn't
find it here,

636
00:45:31,067 --> 00:45:33,067
expecting to find it
somewhere else.

637
00:45:33,100 --> 00:45:35,467
He just wanted to
make it happen so bad,

638
00:45:35,500 --> 00:45:38,133
and that's why he went
to St. Louis.

639
00:45:40,700 --> 00:45:43,433
Only love-- really love--

640
00:45:43,467 --> 00:45:46,567
feeling like he was loved
and in love...

641
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:48,200
was gonna save him.

642
00:45:51,567 --> 00:45:54,700
And who's to say that
this is not a genetic thing?

643
00:45:54,733 --> 00:45:58,700
Who's to say that wasn't
the reason his mother
chose to have this child?

644
00:45:58,733 --> 00:46:01,267
Because she too
was depressed...

645
00:46:01,300 --> 00:46:06,433
and knew that
she could keep herself
here and functional...

646
00:46:06,467 --> 00:46:08,700
if she had a commitment.

647
00:46:08,733 --> 00:46:12,267
And how do we know
that it wasn't,

648
00:46:12,300 --> 00:46:16,033
at some... inner level,

649
00:46:16,067 --> 00:46:19,267
that he perceived this,
very young,

650
00:46:19,300 --> 00:46:22,200
and that it colored
his needs...

651
00:46:22,233 --> 00:46:24,400
to have someone...

652
00:46:24,433 --> 00:46:26,567
depend on him?

653
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:28,200
I don't know.

654
00:47:06,533 --> 00:47:08,433
The ideas of suicide,

655
00:47:08,467 --> 00:47:10,800
if I'm completely honest
with myself,

656
00:47:10,833 --> 00:47:13,033
have been there
for a long, long time.

657
00:47:13,067 --> 00:47:16,267
Years.
Way before I was diagnosed.

658
00:47:16,300 --> 00:47:18,800
But I was just touching
on it, like, you know,

659
00:47:18,833 --> 00:47:20,533
"Oh, I'd just kill myself."

660
00:47:20,567 --> 00:47:23,133
But the real
thought process...

661
00:47:23,167 --> 00:47:27,367
of actually going to do it
and commit the act...

662
00:47:27,400 --> 00:47:31,133
started, I'd say,
about '99,

663
00:47:31,167 --> 00:47:33,800
and that's
when I cut my wrist.

664
00:47:33,833 --> 00:47:38,333
At the end of his junior year
in high school
he had huge mood swings,

665
00:47:38,367 --> 00:47:41,700
and during his senior year,

666
00:47:41,733 --> 00:47:45,433
they-- they were just, uh,
compelling.

667
00:47:45,467 --> 00:47:49,767
I mean, he was constantly
either very high or very low.

668
00:47:50,667 --> 00:47:52,400
That was really a fight.

669
00:47:52,433 --> 00:47:54,367
That's when Kevin
was at his worst.

670
00:47:54,400 --> 00:47:57,133
There were times
where he couldn't even speak,

671
00:47:57,167 --> 00:48:00,333
and there were times
where he wouldn't stop speaking.

672
00:48:00,367 --> 00:48:02,267
I was hallucinating,

673
00:48:02,300 --> 00:48:07,467
and I had made
the assumption that, uh,

674
00:48:07,500 --> 00:48:10,067
there were bugs in my bed
and stuff,

675
00:48:10,100 --> 00:48:13,733
and they were,
like, giving me AIDS
and stuff like that.

676
00:48:13,767 --> 00:48:16,433
And I was just
completely off the wall.

677
00:48:16,467 --> 00:48:20,133
I hadn't been
sexually active for years,

678
00:48:20,167 --> 00:48:22,233
yet I thought I had AIDS.

679
00:48:22,267 --> 00:48:25,800
And it was like, uh--
It was all in my head.

680
00:48:25,833 --> 00:48:31,067
And I sprayed my bedsheets
with a disinfectant,

681
00:48:31,100 --> 00:48:34,700
like a deodorizer,
something like that,
but I sprayed my bedsheets.

682
00:48:34,733 --> 00:48:37,667
You know, I sleep in that
and I inhaled it
all night long,

683
00:48:37,700 --> 00:48:40,633
which caused the hallucinations
to become greater and greater.

684
00:48:40,667 --> 00:48:42,800
And so I got up out of bed,

685
00:48:42,833 --> 00:48:44,333
sat at my desk,

686
00:48:45,333 --> 00:48:47,100
and I wrote about--

687
00:48:47,133 --> 00:48:50,633
I must have written
five versions
of my suicide letter...

688
00:48:50,667 --> 00:48:53,567
until I realized,
"These are mean.
I can't write 'em like this."

689
00:48:53,600 --> 00:48:55,733
So I wrote a real nice one,
or something I thought was nice.

690
00:48:55,767 --> 00:48:58,367
I mean, it's a suicide letter,
you know? So--

691
00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:03,167
And I guess
it said something like...

692
00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:06,733
"Mom, you're not always right.
Don't think you are.
But I love you.

693
00:49:06,767 --> 00:49:09,800
Dad, stop being so mean.
You're hurting people."

694
00:49:09,833 --> 00:49:12,167
He had a terrible episode,

695
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:18,667
and there was no comment
with regard to suicide.

696
00:49:18,700 --> 00:49:24,367
It was a commentary
with regard to hearing voices...

697
00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:30,700
and difficulty remaining,
uh, under control.

698
00:49:30,733 --> 00:49:36,367
And I called his psychiatrist
the Sunday night prior...

699
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:40,733
and had a conversation with him,
and the psychiatrist told me,
"No, don't worry about it.

700
00:49:40,767 --> 00:49:43,333
Everything is gonna be fine."

701
00:49:43,367 --> 00:49:46,733
Then Kevin and I stayed up
and we chatted about it,

702
00:49:46,767 --> 00:49:51,467
and he seemed to be fine,
almost completely calmed.

703
00:49:51,500 --> 00:49:53,667
Our conversations go like this
when he's mad at me.

704
00:49:53,700 --> 00:49:56,733
He tells me to sit down
in my chair,

705
00:49:56,767 --> 00:49:59,033
and he basically
yells at me.

706
00:49:59,067 --> 00:50:02,200
So I, uh--

707
00:50:03,333 --> 00:50:04,733
I told him
that I don't wanna--

708
00:50:04,767 --> 00:50:06,500
What'd I say?
I said, uh--

709
00:50:08,567 --> 00:50:10,500
"I don't want
to hurt anybody anymore.

710
00:50:10,533 --> 00:50:12,600
I have to go away."
Or something like that.

711
00:50:12,633 --> 00:50:15,700
And he said,
"You have an obligation
to stay here for your family.

712
00:50:15,733 --> 00:50:18,633
You have an obligation to me,
who's raised you,

713
00:50:18,667 --> 00:50:20,333
given you
everything you want.

714
00:50:20,367 --> 00:50:22,200
You have an obligation
to live for your brother,
your sister"--

715
00:50:22,233 --> 00:50:24,100
But he was, you know,
mad the whole time.

716
00:50:24,133 --> 00:50:26,733
So I said,
"I'm not gonna do it, Dad.
Don't worry. Don't worry."

717
00:50:26,767 --> 00:50:29,167
He was like,
"Do I have to take you
to the hospital?"

718
00:50:29,200 --> 00:50:31,767
Stuff like that.
I was like, "No, no.
It's all right."

719
00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:35,067
I said, "Let me just sleep on it
and we'll talk about it
in the morning, okay?

720
00:50:35,100 --> 00:50:36,533
I'm really tired, Dad.
I'm really tired."

721
00:50:36,567 --> 00:50:41,333
So he woke me up
the next morning about 7:00,

722
00:50:41,367 --> 00:50:43,500
'cause I'd gotten maybe,
like, two hours' sleep.

723
00:50:43,533 --> 00:50:48,167
And he woke me up and he said,
"Hey, you're coming
to work with me."

724
00:50:48,200 --> 00:50:50,167
I said no.
He said, "No, come on.

725
00:50:50,200 --> 00:50:52,033
I'm worried about you.
I'm really worried about you."

726
00:50:52,067 --> 00:50:54,233
I said, "Dad, I'm fine."

727
00:50:54,267 --> 00:50:56,400
The entire time,
lying through my teeth,

728
00:50:56,433 --> 00:50:58,467
'cause I knew I was gonna go
to the bridge and jump.

729
00:51:03,667 --> 00:51:07,067
Said, "Listen,
why don't I take the day off
and we'll go do something."

730
00:51:07,100 --> 00:51:09,767
And he said, "Nope.
I'd rather go to school."

731
00:51:12,433 --> 00:51:14,700
I kissed him good-bye
on the cheek...

732
00:51:14,733 --> 00:51:17,800
and I was like,
that's the last time I'm ever
gonna kiss my dad good-bye.

733
00:51:17,833 --> 00:51:20,433
You know?
I'll never see him again.

734
00:51:20,467 --> 00:51:23,233
And he'll never see me.

735
00:51:23,267 --> 00:51:26,567
And I went to my English class,
dropped all my other classes.

736
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:30,067
I took the "K" out to the 28.
Took the 29 out to the bridge.

737
00:51:30,100 --> 00:51:33,500
And the whole time
I was just bawlin'
my eyes out.

738
00:51:33,533 --> 00:51:36,133
Just crying.

739
00:51:36,167 --> 00:51:38,233
Talking
to myself on the bus.
You know, just--

740
00:51:40,267 --> 00:51:42,200
I had stopped
before I got on the 28.

741
00:51:42,233 --> 00:51:45,233
I had stopped at Walgreens,
and I bought my last meal--

742
00:51:45,267 --> 00:51:48,733
Starburst and, uh, Skittles.

743
00:51:50,533 --> 00:51:54,467
And, uh, when I got
to the bridge,

744
00:51:57,233 --> 00:51:59,767
found a place and I thought,
all right, not too close
to the pillar.

745
00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:02,167
I won't hit the pillar.
I'll just hit the water.

746
00:52:02,200 --> 00:52:04,600
I'll either drown
or I'll die on impact
or I'll have a heart attack.

747
00:52:05,767 --> 00:52:09,133
So, I got there.

748
00:52:09,167 --> 00:52:12,300
Stood there for, like,
40 minutes at that spot,

749
00:52:12,333 --> 00:52:14,400
just crying my eyes out.

750
00:52:14,433 --> 00:52:16,333
Joggers, bikers, runners,
tourists-- whatever--

751
00:52:16,367 --> 00:52:19,500
running by or walking by,
looking at me.

752
00:52:19,533 --> 00:52:21,233
Didn't say anything.

753
00:52:21,267 --> 00:52:24,567
It's not their problem,
but anyway.

754
00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:29,267
And this woman came up to me.
She said, in a German accent--
I think it was a German accent.

755
00:52:29,300 --> 00:52:32,467
She said,
"Will you take my picture?"

756
00:52:34,067 --> 00:52:35,700
I was like, "Your picture?"

757
00:52:35,733 --> 00:52:39,267
Woman,
I'm gonna kill myself.
What is wrong with you?

758
00:52:39,300 --> 00:52:41,033
Can't you see the tears
pouring down my face?

759
00:52:41,067 --> 00:52:44,500
But she couldn't.
She was on her own hype.

760
00:52:44,533 --> 00:52:46,700
So I took the camera.
I took her picture.

761
00:52:46,733 --> 00:52:49,033
Said,
"Miss, have a nice day."

762
00:52:49,067 --> 00:52:52,400
Turned back to the traffic.
Turned to the bay.

763
00:52:52,433 --> 00:52:55,333
Said, fuck it. Nobody cares.
Pardon my French.

764
00:52:55,367 --> 00:52:57,433
And I hurtled
over the bridge.

765
00:53:17,567 --> 00:53:19,800
See, what most people do,
apparently,

766
00:53:19,833 --> 00:53:23,067
is they get on the ledge
outside of the bridge,
and they stand there.

767
00:53:23,100 --> 00:53:26,400
People can talk 'em
out of it, you know?
Or pull 'em up. Whatever.

768
00:53:26,433 --> 00:53:30,667
I didn't want anybody
to talk me out of it.
I just wanted to die.

769
00:53:30,700 --> 00:53:33,567
So I hurtled over the railing
with my hands...

770
00:53:33,600 --> 00:53:35,733
and I was falling headfirst,

771
00:53:35,767 --> 00:53:40,333
and the second
my hands left the bar
at the railing,

772
00:53:40,367 --> 00:53:43,367
I said, I don't want to die.
What am I gonna do?

773
00:53:43,400 --> 00:53:45,467
This is like--
This is it. I'm dead.

774
00:53:46,767 --> 00:53:49,800
So I said, well,
maybe if I get feetfirst.

775
00:53:49,833 --> 00:53:51,800
Maybe. Maybe I'll live.

776
00:53:51,833 --> 00:53:53,333
So I thought,

777
00:53:54,833 --> 00:53:57,567
All right.
It's worth a shot.

778
00:53:57,600 --> 00:54:00,433
So my head was falling
like this, and I pushed
myself back somehow,

779
00:54:00,467 --> 00:54:03,500
and I landed, literally,
like I was sitting down,
kind of like--

780
00:54:03,533 --> 00:54:07,033
maybe a little more elevated
with the legs.

781
00:54:07,067 --> 00:54:10,533
And I hit with my feet...

782
00:54:10,567 --> 00:54:13,033
and I guess the water
treaded through my boots
a little bit,

783
00:54:13,067 --> 00:54:15,233
so maybe helped the impact.

784
00:54:15,267 --> 00:54:17,400
And the boots
are pretty tough, so--

785
00:54:17,433 --> 00:54:21,367
And I went down about,
I'd say 50, 40--
40, 50 feet.

786
00:54:22,600 --> 00:54:25,033
Didn't know which way
was up or down.

787
00:54:25,067 --> 00:54:27,233
I-- I was thinking,
Am I still alive?

788
00:54:27,267 --> 00:54:29,467
'Cause it's like
a four-to-seven second fall.

789
00:54:31,100 --> 00:54:34,633
It's like
120 miles per hour.

790
00:54:34,667 --> 00:54:37,467
It's like, uh--
I think that's like...

791
00:54:37,500 --> 00:54:39,200
seven seconds below
terminal velocity,

792
00:54:39,233 --> 00:54:42,333
or like the velocity
that downslope skiers get.

793
00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:47,367
So, uh--

794
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:50,467
I was awake.
I was alive.

795
00:54:50,500 --> 00:54:54,333
I was swimming my butt off
to get somewhere
where there was air.

796
00:54:54,367 --> 00:54:56,233
So I reached the surface,
I guess,

797
00:54:56,267 --> 00:54:59,100
because I saw
some sort of light.

798
00:54:59,133 --> 00:55:03,100
I was screaming for help,
and I couldn't really scream.
My voice was gone.

799
00:55:03,133 --> 00:55:05,367
I couldn't yell.
I was like--
Help.

800
00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:07,400
Help me.

801
00:55:07,433 --> 00:55:10,133
And...

802
00:55:10,167 --> 00:55:12,633
I felt something
brush by my leg.

803
00:55:12,667 --> 00:55:17,433
I was like, Oh, great.
I didn't die jumping
off the Golden Gate Bridge.

804
00:55:17,467 --> 00:55:19,567
A shark is going to eat me.

805
00:55:19,600 --> 00:55:22,133
I was like,
This is ridiculous.

806
00:55:22,167 --> 00:55:27,133
Uh, years later I found out--
Matter of fact, last year
I found out it wasn't a shark.

807
00:55:27,167 --> 00:55:29,333
It was a seal circling me,
and apparently it was...

808
00:55:29,367 --> 00:55:32,333
the only thing
keeping me afloat.

809
00:55:32,367 --> 00:55:35,667
And you cannot tell me
that wasn't God.

810
00:55:35,700 --> 00:55:38,767
'Cause that's what I believe,
and that's what I'll believe
till the day I die.

811
00:55:38,800 --> 00:55:40,167
So--

812
00:56:01,800 --> 00:56:04,100
I was sitting in my office,

813
00:56:04,133 --> 00:56:09,367
and, uh, my secretary said
that, uh,

814
00:56:09,400 --> 00:56:12,633
there's someone
on the line for you
from Marin General Hospital.

815
00:56:14,667 --> 00:56:17,433
I picked up the phone
and a woman said,

816
00:56:17,467 --> 00:56:19,533
uh, "Is this Pat Hines?"

817
00:56:19,567 --> 00:56:21,333
And I said, "Yes."

818
00:56:21,367 --> 00:56:24,333
She said,
"Your son has just jumped
from the Golden Gate Bridge."

819
00:56:26,767 --> 00:56:29,233
I've lived here all my life.

820
00:56:29,267 --> 00:56:31,700
I know what that means.

821
00:56:31,733 --> 00:56:35,167
And I said, "Is he alive?"

822
00:56:35,200 --> 00:56:38,033
And she said, "Oh, he is."

823
00:56:38,067 --> 00:56:40,667
And I thought...

824
00:56:40,700 --> 00:56:44,467
that they probably told me that
just to keep me calm...

825
00:56:44,500 --> 00:56:47,733
so that I wouldn't
wreck my car...

826
00:56:47,767 --> 00:56:50,700
driving over to see
his mangled body.

827
00:57:15,667 --> 00:57:19,167
I shattered my T12 and my L1,

828
00:57:19,200 --> 00:57:22,067
which is my lower
lumbar region,

829
00:57:22,100 --> 00:57:25,067
into very,
very tiny little pieces,

830
00:57:25,100 --> 00:57:28,167
and the pieces
went into my organs,

831
00:57:28,200 --> 00:57:30,067
uh, but they
missed my heart.

832
00:57:30,100 --> 00:57:33,200
At this point in time
I still thought
he would be dead,

833
00:57:33,233 --> 00:57:38,333
so I went up this gurney
and I looked down,
and he was wide awake.

834
00:57:38,367 --> 00:57:41,600
And he looked up at me
and he said, "I'm sorry."

835
00:57:43,233 --> 00:57:47,067
And then he just closed his eyes
and, uh--

836
00:57:47,100 --> 00:57:49,300
I just stood there
staring at him.

837
00:57:49,333 --> 00:57:51,333
And he was,
by that point in time,
in a coma.

838
00:57:53,633 --> 00:57:55,533
It was just super scary,
you know?

839
00:57:55,567 --> 00:57:57,800
I mean, I can't--
I can't explain it.

840
00:57:57,833 --> 00:58:00,200
I mean--

841
00:58:00,233 --> 00:58:02,033
To feel it would be like--

842
00:58:04,333 --> 00:58:07,567
like feeling an alien
jumping out of your body
or something, you know?

843
00:58:07,600 --> 00:58:09,667
Like your soul or whatever.

844
00:58:09,700 --> 00:58:12,133
'Cause it was ridiculous.
Scary.

845
00:58:12,167 --> 00:58:14,733
Just really... wild.

846
00:58:30,400 --> 00:58:34,167
2004 was a tough year
for Kevin.

847
00:58:34,200 --> 00:58:36,033
It hasn't been a cakewalk.

848
00:58:36,067 --> 00:58:40,467
Kevin's been visited
by extreme mental illness...

849
00:58:40,500 --> 00:58:45,100
three times subsequent
to his jump off the bridge.

850
00:58:45,133 --> 00:58:48,767
The most recent,
he was confined
for almost three months...

851
00:58:48,800 --> 00:58:52,700
while he struggled
and his doctors struggled...

852
00:58:52,733 --> 00:58:57,033
to get his bipolar
bracketed in.

853
00:58:57,067 --> 00:59:00,733
And it's a matter of diet,
it's a matter of consistency...

854
00:59:00,767 --> 00:59:03,367
and it's a matter
of proper drug therapy.

855
00:59:03,400 --> 00:59:10,100
Uh, Kevin will begin
to make headway,

856
00:59:10,133 --> 00:59:11,667
his life will gain traction...

857
00:59:11,700 --> 00:59:14,567
and then he begins
to get outside
of the brackets...

858
00:59:14,600 --> 00:59:17,267
into which he can function.

859
00:59:17,300 --> 00:59:22,067
And, unfortunately,
it has taken three times now...

860
00:59:22,100 --> 00:59:24,333
outside--
in those outside areas--

861
00:59:24,367 --> 00:59:27,700
to convince him--
prove to him, more importantly,

862
00:59:27,733 --> 00:59:29,567
that he can't go there.

863
00:59:29,600 --> 00:59:33,100
And, unfortunately for Kevin,

864
00:59:33,133 --> 00:59:35,367
it's get up at 8:00
in the morning,

865
00:59:35,400 --> 00:59:39,267
take your pills at 8:00,
have lunch at noon,
if you will,

866
00:59:39,300 --> 00:59:42,733
uh, dinner at 6:00,

867
00:59:42,767 --> 00:59:45,400
pills at 9:00, bed at 10:00.

868
00:59:45,433 --> 00:59:50,500
And that's a very,
very difficult existence
for a 24-year-old male...

869
00:59:50,533 --> 00:59:52,167
in this society.

870
01:00:00,733 --> 01:00:03,733
But I've told him,
it's a wonderful disease
to have, Kev,

871
01:00:03,767 --> 01:00:06,033
because you can control it.

872
01:00:06,067 --> 01:00:10,100
If you had cancer,
you wouldn't have
the same opportunity.

873
01:00:10,133 --> 01:00:13,267
Unlike cancer, Kevin,
as long as you stay
within these bands,

874
01:00:13,300 --> 01:00:15,333
you've got it,
it doesn't have you.

875
01:00:15,367 --> 01:00:18,500
Funny my family members
still think I haven't
learned my lesson,

876
01:00:18,533 --> 01:00:21,533
but the lesson was learned
a long time ago.

877
01:00:21,567 --> 01:00:24,133
And, you know,

878
01:00:26,400 --> 01:00:31,567
it's hard when
you keep messing up...

879
01:00:31,600 --> 01:00:35,067
and nobody in your family
believes in you anymore...

880
01:00:35,100 --> 01:00:37,267
or trusts you.

881
01:00:37,300 --> 01:00:39,767
Or they're scared
you're gonna go
attempt again...

882
01:00:39,800 --> 01:00:43,100
and they're always worried,
walking on eggshells
when they talk to you.

883
01:00:44,433 --> 01:00:46,533
It sucks.

884
01:00:46,567 --> 01:00:49,467
'Cause I'm tired of that.
I just want them to say,
Hey, Kev, what's crackin', man?

885
01:00:51,367 --> 01:00:54,100
Just be real about it.

886
01:00:54,133 --> 01:00:56,467
Don't-- Don't walk
on eggshells around me.

887
01:00:56,500 --> 01:00:59,100
I'm the same--
I'm the same guy.

888
01:00:59,133 --> 01:01:03,333
Just a... different soul.
You know?

889
01:01:03,367 --> 01:01:04,733
Different ideals.

890
01:01:12,600 --> 01:01:16,133
I just wanna...
be normal again.

891
01:01:16,167 --> 01:01:17,600
But I never will be.

892
01:01:56,533 --> 01:01:58,600
We started using crystal meth...

893
01:01:58,633 --> 01:02:00,733
and, you know,

894
01:02:00,767 --> 01:02:05,333
using crystal, everything
started going down the toilet.

895
01:02:05,367 --> 01:02:07,233
She lost her job.
I lost my job.

896
01:02:07,267 --> 01:02:10,167
Um, we ended up
becoming homeless.

897
01:02:14,133 --> 01:02:17,767
She has a little easier time
letting go of drugs than I do.

898
01:02:17,800 --> 01:02:20,633
I have
a very addictive personality.

899
01:02:20,667 --> 01:02:23,400
And, uh,

900
01:02:23,433 --> 01:02:27,267
just found out last week
that she's been cheating
on me again.

901
01:02:33,600 --> 01:02:38,200
So I picked up my son,
I gave him a hug and a kiss
and said good-bye,

902
01:02:38,233 --> 01:02:40,200
and told her to eff off.

903
01:02:42,200 --> 01:02:45,333
And then I found myself
just walking toward
the Golden Gate Bridge.

904
01:02:47,300 --> 01:02:50,233
I was crying the whole way.
You know?

905
01:02:50,267 --> 01:02:52,300
Although, only thing
I kept saying...

906
01:02:52,333 --> 01:02:58,600
was, you know,
As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death...

907
01:02:58,633 --> 01:03:02,067
I shall not fear a thing
'cause God's with me.

908
01:03:04,667 --> 01:03:06,700
So when I got
to the halfway point
of the bridge,

909
01:03:06,733 --> 01:03:10,467
I set my book down
and I jumped over
onto the railing.

910
01:03:16,067 --> 01:03:19,400
And I just sat there,
you know, crying and thinking
for a little bit.

911
01:03:19,433 --> 01:03:22,433
And the cops showed up.

912
01:03:22,467 --> 01:03:26,667
I made the mistake
of letting them
get to know me too well.

913
01:03:26,700 --> 01:03:29,600
'Cause they completely
used my son against me.

914
01:03:37,500 --> 01:03:40,733
Actually, I came to the bridge
last year at this time...

915
01:03:40,767 --> 01:03:42,500
to do the same thing,

916
01:03:42,533 --> 01:03:44,800
and so it's not a new idea,

917
01:03:44,833 --> 01:03:48,667
but kind of one that became
a little obsessive,
I suppose.

918
01:03:52,667 --> 01:03:54,567
I literally got here--

919
01:03:54,600 --> 01:03:57,200
Today I was on an airplane--

920
01:03:57,233 --> 01:03:59,733
from Houston, Texas.

921
01:03:59,767 --> 01:04:04,333
What drew me to it
in spite of having to do
so much preparation...

922
01:04:04,367 --> 01:04:06,200
is that
it is so accessible.

923
01:04:06,233 --> 01:04:09,233
Um, you just kind of hop over.

924
01:04:09,267 --> 01:04:12,067
But yeah, letting go,
that's the tough part.

925
01:04:19,567 --> 01:04:21,633
I don't know if people
think about that a lot--

926
01:04:21,667 --> 01:04:24,333
like the process
that a person goes through...

927
01:04:24,367 --> 01:04:27,300
in trying to decide
how to end their life.

928
01:04:27,333 --> 01:04:31,033
It's like a search.
It's like looking for a college
to attend or something.

929
01:04:31,067 --> 01:04:32,733
You know, your pros and cons.

930
01:04:32,767 --> 01:04:36,267
And it's a destructive act,
but there's a lot
of rational thought...

931
01:04:36,300 --> 01:04:40,400
that goes into an act
that a lot of people
just consider irrational.

932
01:04:43,667 --> 01:04:46,567
In my bag I had my parents'
phone number,

933
01:04:46,600 --> 01:04:48,433
and I wanted them
to know what happened...

934
01:04:48,467 --> 01:04:50,333
and not just maybe agonizing...

935
01:04:50,367 --> 01:04:54,100
over what happened
to their daughter
for a week or two.

936
01:04:54,133 --> 01:04:56,533
So I wanted people
to see me actually do it,

937
01:04:56,567 --> 01:05:00,667
and I think I really did
want somebody to say,
no, don't do it.

938
01:05:15,600 --> 01:05:21,300
When Gene called me
from St. Louis in despair...

939
01:05:21,333 --> 01:05:24,133
and was gonna jump
off the bridge there,

940
01:05:24,167 --> 01:05:26,533
he said, I'm just calling
to say good-bye.

941
01:05:26,567 --> 01:05:28,400
It's time.

942
01:05:28,433 --> 01:05:30,700
What could I say to him?

943
01:05:30,733 --> 01:05:36,067
You know, I had tried
on occasion to find...

944
01:05:36,100 --> 01:05:39,033
something that would
encourage him to live.

945
01:05:39,067 --> 01:05:40,700
Something.

946
01:05:40,733 --> 01:05:44,467
And I asked him again
for a favor.

947
01:05:44,500 --> 01:05:47,233
I said, put my name
and phone number...

948
01:05:47,267 --> 01:05:50,100
in a plastic bag
in your pocket...

949
01:05:50,133 --> 01:05:54,800
so that when you are found,
I can be told.

950
01:05:54,833 --> 01:05:56,467
I need to know.

951
01:05:59,833 --> 01:06:04,033
He had called me
from a bridge back there.

952
01:06:04,067 --> 01:06:06,433
But he called me first
from the train tracks...

953
01:06:06,467 --> 01:06:09,367
saying he was gonna
lay his neck across
the train tracks,

954
01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:12,400
and because
he said things like that
all the time,

955
01:06:12,433 --> 01:06:14,500
I didn't call him back--
No.

956
01:06:14,533 --> 01:06:17,300
because I just
didn't want to hear it.

957
01:06:17,333 --> 01:06:20,533
You know, you can only
hear the same thing
so many times...

958
01:06:20,567 --> 01:06:22,567
and give the same answer
so many times--

959
01:06:22,600 --> 01:06:25,600
you know, stop being stupid,
don't be ridiculous.

960
01:06:25,633 --> 01:06:28,300
It gets tiring
after a while.

961
01:06:28,333 --> 01:06:30,067
You want to hear
something different.

962
01:06:30,100 --> 01:06:33,067
So I guess when
I didn't call him back,
he went to the bridge.

963
01:06:33,100 --> 01:06:36,733
Yeah. He had made
his way to a bridge.
He called me on my cell phone.

964
01:06:36,767 --> 01:06:41,267
He told me this relationship
that he was pursuing
was all falling apart.

965
01:06:41,300 --> 01:06:43,400
So I kept him on the phone.
I was talking to him.

966
01:06:43,433 --> 01:06:45,600
At one point
in our conversation,

967
01:06:45,633 --> 01:06:48,333
he said,
"Oh, a cop's driving by."

968
01:06:48,367 --> 01:06:50,600
And I actually heard
the cop stop and ask him,

969
01:06:50,633 --> 01:06:52,633
"Hey, you're not
gonna jump, are you?"

970
01:06:52,667 --> 01:06:56,500
Or they asked him,
"Is everything okay?
Are you having problems?"

971
01:06:56,533 --> 01:06:58,733
And he was like,
"No, not really."

972
01:06:58,767 --> 01:07:03,367
And, uh, they decided
to leave him alone.

973
01:07:03,400 --> 01:07:07,500
And that's when I said,
Look, I'm gonna get a ticket
for you for the bus,

974
01:07:07,533 --> 01:07:10,167
and you're gonna come
back to California.

975
01:07:10,200 --> 01:07:12,400
And I convinced him
to do that.

976
01:07:47,100 --> 01:07:49,533
David is very dramatic,

977
01:07:49,567 --> 01:07:52,567
boisterous,
a life-of-the-party type.

978
01:07:52,600 --> 01:07:54,533
Playing the piano, singing.

979
01:07:54,567 --> 01:07:57,167
You know, really Mr. Party.

980
01:07:57,200 --> 01:08:00,200
Which is very interesting,
because I'm not that way at all,

981
01:08:00,233 --> 01:08:02,500
and I think part of the reason
he liked me...

982
01:08:02,533 --> 01:08:04,533
was that I didn't ask him
to do that,

983
01:08:04,567 --> 01:08:08,067
or he didn't feel
he had to do that around me.

984
01:08:10,233 --> 01:08:12,100
He was a handsome guy.

985
01:08:12,133 --> 01:08:14,467
He was a good dresser.

986
01:08:14,500 --> 01:08:16,467
And he just exuded this,

987
01:08:16,500 --> 01:08:18,767
which was another reason
why I guess it's so...

988
01:08:20,567 --> 01:08:24,333
shocking to me, is that he just
exuded this joy
for life.

989
01:08:35,633 --> 01:08:39,200
Ruby was someone that I was
always proud to pull in,

990
01:08:39,233 --> 01:08:41,067
so when there was
somebody new in my life...

991
01:08:41,100 --> 01:08:43,267
or I was dating
somebody for a while,
I'd want to bring him over.

992
01:08:43,300 --> 01:08:44,600
You know?

993
01:08:49,767 --> 01:08:52,133
One of Jim's favorite things
was when he'd see me...

994
01:08:52,167 --> 01:08:53,500
he'd say,
Oh, I met a new friend.

995
01:08:53,533 --> 01:08:56,333
You've got to meet this person.
You've just got
to meet this person.

996
01:08:56,367 --> 01:08:59,567
He had great delight
in bringing people together.

997
01:08:59,600 --> 01:09:03,567
He really loved people
in a, um--

998
01:09:05,100 --> 01:09:08,200
Just a very warm personality.

999
01:09:08,233 --> 01:09:11,633
At least, that's how he was
in the beginning.

1000
01:09:25,333 --> 01:09:28,533
Before six months ago,
I would never have said...

1001
01:09:28,567 --> 01:09:31,100
that I thought Ruby
had a significant
depression problem.

1002
01:09:34,300 --> 01:09:37,800
I know that he was alone,
without a source of income.

1003
01:09:37,833 --> 01:09:40,600
I know his sister
had killed herself.

1004
01:09:40,633 --> 01:09:44,033
I know he had
all those variables.

1005
01:09:44,067 --> 01:09:47,267
Nothing before
this last few months
of his life...

1006
01:09:47,300 --> 01:09:49,533
indicated to me that he was
out of the range...

1007
01:09:49,567 --> 01:09:55,367
of the normal ups and downs
that we just don't share
all the time.

1008
01:09:55,400 --> 01:09:59,467
David came over to Charlie's
to have dinner with us,

1009
01:09:59,500 --> 01:10:04,233
and that's when he told us
for the first time
he was seriously on medication.

1010
01:10:04,267 --> 01:10:10,100
But up until that point,
apparently he had been
self-medicating with alcohol.

1011
01:10:10,133 --> 01:10:12,233
And although I knew him
for nine years,

1012
01:10:13,700 --> 01:10:17,200
I could count on maybe--

1013
01:10:18,500 --> 01:10:20,333
Maybe two times
did I see him really drunk.

1014
01:10:24,133 --> 01:10:25,633
David would, every so often,

1015
01:10:25,667 --> 01:10:27,767
determine that he had to
get his life back together,

1016
01:10:27,800 --> 01:10:32,500
or he would be confronted
by me or other friends,
and start treatment.

1017
01:10:32,533 --> 01:10:37,400
He took antidepressants
for a month and a half or so
and made a big show of it,

1018
01:10:37,433 --> 01:10:40,233
but then, in the end,
I arranged the labels...

1019
01:10:40,267 --> 01:10:42,367
so that I could see
if he'd been picking
the bottles up,

1020
01:10:42,400 --> 01:10:44,300
and he hadn't touched them.

1021
01:10:44,333 --> 01:10:46,333
Didn't touch them for weeks.

1022
01:10:50,333 --> 01:10:52,467
So a couple of months
before he died,

1023
01:10:52,500 --> 01:10:57,500
Ruby started talking about
he couldn't get over
his feelings of losses...

1024
01:10:57,533 --> 01:11:00,700
and he thought
that he might be depressed,

1025
01:11:00,733 --> 01:11:02,600
but he didn't have
any health insurance.

1026
01:11:04,267 --> 01:11:07,500
So he said, I want some meds.

1027
01:11:07,533 --> 01:11:10,100
Got any ideas
about how I can get some?

1028
01:11:10,133 --> 01:11:13,200
And I had tried
some antidepressant meds.

1029
01:11:13,233 --> 01:11:16,367
They didn't seem to help
and I couldn't sleep on them.

1030
01:11:16,400 --> 01:11:19,567
So I said, okay, listen.

1031
01:11:23,467 --> 01:11:25,000
Here.

1032
01:11:26,833 --> 01:11:28,467
You can have mine,

1033
01:11:30,800 --> 01:11:34,333
but you've gotta call
a physician for information
on how to take them.

1034
01:11:34,367 --> 01:11:39,233
I can't pre--
I cannot be responsible
for how you take them,

1035
01:11:39,267 --> 01:11:40,700
but you can have them.

1036
01:11:41,733 --> 01:11:43,033
So--

1037
01:11:44,767 --> 01:11:49,600
I was gonna give him
the whole bottle of them
in the original bottle,

1038
01:11:49,633 --> 01:11:51,133
and I thought,

1039
01:11:53,067 --> 01:11:55,033
what if one day somebody
goes into his apartment--

1040
01:11:59,067 --> 01:12:01,633
and is looking
through his stuff...

1041
01:12:01,667 --> 01:12:05,267
and, you know,
finds my name
on a bottle of meds?

1042
01:12:05,300 --> 01:12:09,600
So I took them out
and I put them
in an envelope.

1043
01:12:12,267 --> 01:12:14,300
Just a plain envelope.

1044
01:12:19,667 --> 01:12:23,100
It was around November--
or the fall--

1045
01:12:23,133 --> 01:12:25,633
when Jim lost
an enormous amount of money...

1046
01:12:25,667 --> 01:12:28,300
and he actually
made the statement,

1047
01:12:28,333 --> 01:12:30,667
"Well, if I don't
sell these pots--"

1048
01:12:30,700 --> 01:12:32,800
Which were these
Japanese ceramics--

1049
01:12:32,833 --> 01:12:35,100
"I'm just gonna have
to commit hara-kiri."

1050
01:12:39,267 --> 01:12:43,633
When I called him,
I said, "David,
I know you're in trouble.

1051
01:12:43,667 --> 01:12:46,767
I know you've lost your job,
and I want to help you."

1052
01:12:46,800 --> 01:12:50,133
He stopped
because I'd never really
said that before--

1053
01:12:50,167 --> 01:12:53,133
because I didn't view him
as really in trouble.

1054
01:12:53,167 --> 01:12:56,433
And he said,
"I can't talk
about this right now...

1055
01:12:56,467 --> 01:12:58,733
because I don't want to cry
in the middle of the street."

1056
01:12:58,767 --> 01:13:02,300
And I thought, oh, my God.
You know? This is serious.

1057
01:13:02,333 --> 01:13:05,333
He's really emotionally
on the verge of tears.

1058
01:13:07,433 --> 01:13:14,200
Five months before he jumped,
he had written a note,
an e-mail,

1059
01:13:14,233 --> 01:13:16,733
to a couple dozen
of his friends...

1060
01:13:16,767 --> 01:13:19,767
saying that he had been
contemplating suicide,

1061
01:13:19,800 --> 01:13:23,767
and a lot of them
wrote back to him
and called him.

1062
01:13:23,800 --> 01:13:26,700
However, he never
mentioned suicide to me, ever.

1063
01:13:26,733 --> 01:13:30,100
And I just can't fathom
the idea of committing suicide,

1064
01:13:30,133 --> 01:13:33,433
and I just think I thought
that he was one
of those people who,

1065
01:13:33,467 --> 01:13:35,267
for him,
it just wasn't an option,

1066
01:13:35,300 --> 01:13:37,067
but apparently it was.

1067
01:13:52,833 --> 01:13:55,100
My daughter was leaving
for camp...

1068
01:13:55,133 --> 01:13:57,500
and I said, "You know what?
Let's go to the movies."

1069
01:14:00,333 --> 01:14:02,067
We went into the theater--

1070
01:14:05,800 --> 01:14:07,333
And he just--

1071
01:14:09,333 --> 01:14:11,500
He just put his hands--

1072
01:14:11,533 --> 01:14:17,067
his head in his hands,
and he just... wept.

1073
01:14:17,100 --> 01:14:19,200
He just wept in the movie.

1074
01:14:22,100 --> 01:14:24,100
And I was tearing up
a little too,

1075
01:14:24,133 --> 01:14:26,600
but he was just crying
and crying and crying.

1076
01:14:29,767 --> 01:14:31,333
And--

1077
01:14:35,233 --> 01:14:37,633
And he put his hand
on my leg,

1078
01:14:40,300 --> 01:14:42,133
and I said,

1079
01:14:42,167 --> 01:14:44,000
"Ruby, I don't need
to be comforted."

1080
01:14:45,067 --> 01:14:46,567
And he looked at me.

1081
01:14:49,067 --> 01:14:52,100
I thought, oh, my God.

1082
01:14:52,133 --> 01:14:53,533
Oh, no.

1083
01:14:59,100 --> 01:15:00,733
And I just-- I just--

1084
01:15:00,767 --> 01:15:03,467
You know, it was then
that I remembered...

1085
01:15:05,667 --> 01:15:08,433
that I put the meds
in a plain white envelope...

1086
01:15:09,600 --> 01:15:11,333
a couple months earlier.

1087
01:15:12,533 --> 01:15:14,067
So--

1088
01:15:17,633 --> 01:15:19,267
We got out
of the movie theater...

1089
01:15:19,300 --> 01:15:22,100
and we were walking
to his car,

1090
01:15:22,133 --> 01:15:24,000
and, uh, I thought,

1091
01:15:26,267 --> 01:15:29,067
he's not just depressed,
he wants to kill himself.

1092
01:15:40,200 --> 01:15:42,533
And he said, the meds--

1093
01:15:42,567 --> 01:15:44,300
"I-I think I can't sleep
'cause of the meds."

1094
01:15:44,333 --> 01:15:46,767
And I said, "I know.

1095
01:15:46,800 --> 01:15:48,700
I wish I hadn't
given them to you...

1096
01:15:48,733 --> 01:15:52,600
because I feel like I--
I made it worse.

1097
01:15:52,633 --> 01:15:55,733
They had the same effect
on me."

1098
01:15:55,767 --> 01:15:57,500
He said,
"That's it, actually.

1099
01:15:57,533 --> 01:16:02,567
I can't sleep,
and I'm just up.

1100
01:16:02,600 --> 01:16:06,733
I can't stop worrying.

1101
01:16:07,633 --> 01:16:09,433
I just can't turn it off.

1102
01:16:09,467 --> 01:16:12,733
Not sleeping is what
is making me crazy.

1103
01:16:14,133 --> 01:16:15,767
I'm thinking
about killing myself."

1104
01:16:17,267 --> 01:16:18,700
And I said, "I know."

1105
01:16:21,233 --> 01:16:23,500
You know, I felt it
when we were walking
to the car.

1106
01:16:23,533 --> 01:16:26,200
I just--
Something was gone.

1107
01:16:28,700 --> 01:16:34,500
And he said,
"I'm so ashamed to tell you that
I'm thinking about doing this.

1108
01:16:34,533 --> 01:16:36,467
What would you think of me
if I did?"

1109
01:16:40,667 --> 01:16:44,267
And I said,
"Ruby, I have understood...

1110
01:16:44,300 --> 01:16:47,200
that there are people
who have incessant pain,

1111
01:16:48,433 --> 01:16:50,200
but--

1112
01:16:51,833 --> 01:16:54,433
I don't think
you're one of them.

1113
01:16:54,467 --> 01:16:56,267
Do you have a plan?"

1114
01:16:58,333 --> 01:17:01,067
And he said,
"Well, I'm thinking
about different things.

1115
01:17:01,100 --> 01:17:03,233
I'd overdose except
I'm not sure how much to take...

1116
01:17:03,267 --> 01:17:06,300
and I might wake up in an ER,
and that would be horrible.

1117
01:17:07,633 --> 01:17:11,200
And...
I thought about the bridge."

1118
01:17:11,233 --> 01:17:15,033
And I said,
"You can't do the bridge.
Too dramatic."

1119
01:17:15,067 --> 01:17:16,767
He said, "What about people
who shoot themselves?"

1120
01:17:16,800 --> 01:17:20,533
And I said, "It's too messy
and it's not fair
to your landlord,

1121
01:17:20,567 --> 01:17:22,800
and anyway, you know,

1122
01:17:22,833 --> 01:17:26,667
you are not in the category
of people who get
to kill themselves."

1123
01:17:32,400 --> 01:17:34,633
And then he wanted to come over
and spend some time...

1124
01:17:34,667 --> 01:17:36,533
and just didn't want
to go home yet,

1125
01:17:36,567 --> 01:17:40,100
but I actually just--
I wanted to be by myself.

1126
01:17:41,500 --> 01:17:44,733
So I said, "No. Can't.

1127
01:17:49,233 --> 01:17:51,700
But if you feel
really desperate,
you call me.

1128
01:17:51,733 --> 01:17:53,267
I'll drop anything."

1129
01:17:53,300 --> 01:17:54,667
I did say that.

1130
01:18:00,100 --> 01:18:02,133
So then I got out of my car
and went home.

1131
01:18:02,167 --> 01:18:04,267
And I didn't hear from him,

1132
01:18:06,367 --> 01:18:07,667
actually, ever again.

1133
01:18:59,067 --> 01:19:01,200
We all know how much--

1134
01:19:02,500 --> 01:19:05,333
all of us who've been
close to Jim--

1135
01:19:05,367 --> 01:19:07,733
how his passing
has affected us,

1136
01:19:07,767 --> 01:19:12,800
whether it's...
fear that, you know,

1137
01:19:12,833 --> 01:19:16,267
you might get to that same place
and do the same thing,

1138
01:19:16,300 --> 01:19:18,433
or, um, you know,

1139
01:19:18,467 --> 01:19:22,600
just guilt because
you felt you weren't
a good enough friend,

1140
01:19:22,633 --> 01:19:25,100
or what-whatever it is,
there--

1141
01:19:25,133 --> 01:19:27,133
There is a lot
of different reactions.

1142
01:19:27,167 --> 01:19:30,000
Talking to everybody, there's
a lot of different reactions.

1143
01:19:32,567 --> 01:19:37,333
And I think everyone
is trying to make sense of it,
and-and as one--

1144
01:19:37,367 --> 01:19:42,133
Jim's particular passing which,
as a friend of mine said,

1145
01:19:42,167 --> 01:19:46,733
he was warning you,
but he was not
asking for help.

1146
01:19:51,833 --> 01:19:56,767
I thought that
he was probably feeling
so ashamed--

1147
01:19:56,800 --> 01:19:58,667
Because the theme
of that night was,

1148
01:19:58,700 --> 01:20:00,633
I'm so ashamed
I'm telling you this--

1149
01:20:00,667 --> 01:20:03,167
that I,

1150
01:20:03,200 --> 01:20:08,100
um, made the mistake
of giving him some space
to recover.

1151
01:20:09,367 --> 01:20:12,200
And that was a bad call,
I think.

1152
01:20:14,300 --> 01:20:16,700
You know,
I could have
5150'd him.

1153
01:20:19,700 --> 01:20:22,400
But also,
I didn't want to
humiliate him...

1154
01:20:22,433 --> 01:20:24,600
and have him be
in a psych facility...

1155
01:20:24,633 --> 01:20:26,600
'cause I wasn't sure
they were really
gonna help him...

1156
01:20:26,633 --> 01:20:28,633
and I didn't want
to cross my boundaries.

1157
01:20:30,167 --> 01:20:33,167
But I will never again
not intrude.

1158
01:20:33,200 --> 01:20:36,100
I won't
respect their privacy
and their--

1159
01:20:36,133 --> 01:20:39,600
And I will not ever again
not do something...

1160
01:20:39,633 --> 01:20:42,767
'cause I'm afraid that
they might be embarrassed.

1161
01:20:46,200 --> 01:20:48,800
There's obviously
a fuzzy line...

1162
01:20:48,833 --> 01:20:52,700
between doing nothing
and doing what would
have prevented it.

1163
01:20:52,733 --> 01:20:55,667
And who knows
where that line is?

1164
01:20:55,700 --> 01:20:58,733
He was a grown-up.
I couldn't tell him
what to do with his life,

1165
01:20:58,767 --> 01:21:01,700
and I suppose if we had
had him locked up or something,

1166
01:21:01,733 --> 01:21:04,100
then, um,

1167
01:21:04,133 --> 01:21:07,067
he might still be alive,
but, uh--

1168
01:21:07,100 --> 01:21:10,200
I don't blame myself
like that.

1169
01:21:11,533 --> 01:21:15,100
Um, initially, several
of his other friends...

1170
01:21:15,133 --> 01:21:17,467
went out there as a group,

1171
01:21:17,500 --> 01:21:21,500
because they knew
the light pole number...

1172
01:21:21,533 --> 01:21:23,167
where he had jumped.

1173
01:21:24,833 --> 01:21:26,667
I couldn't go,

1174
01:21:26,700 --> 01:21:28,800
but a couple of months later
I did go,

1175
01:21:28,833 --> 01:21:31,100
and it was very difficult.

1176
01:21:31,133 --> 01:21:34,200
And I'll never be able
to sort of drive
across the bridge again...

1177
01:21:34,233 --> 01:21:37,367
without some kind of, uh,

1178
01:21:38,467 --> 01:21:40,200
emotional reaction.

1179
01:21:42,100 --> 01:21:44,033
Something else
I'm pissed off at him about.

1180
01:21:44,067 --> 01:21:46,733
Such a great bridge.

1181
01:21:49,100 --> 01:21:52,167
I think the bridge
has a romance,

1182
01:21:52,200 --> 01:21:55,100
a false-- you know,
a false promise of--

1183
01:21:55,133 --> 01:21:57,333
a false
romantic promise to it.

1184
01:21:59,267 --> 01:22:00,767
Because he's dead.

1185
01:22:02,800 --> 01:22:04,333
And...

1186
01:22:06,167 --> 01:22:09,033
he doesn't get to benefit
from the romantic--

1187
01:22:09,067 --> 01:22:10,500
from the romanticism of it.

1188
01:22:10,533 --> 01:22:13,333
He doesn't have
any benefit from it.

1189
01:22:13,367 --> 01:22:17,533
It romanticizes him,
a bit, in the legend,

1190
01:22:17,567 --> 01:22:19,733
but, um--

1191
01:22:22,300 --> 01:22:24,300
but he doesn't--
he doesn't benefit from it.

1192
01:22:24,333 --> 01:22:26,667
So what if his story
has that at the end?

1193
01:22:26,700 --> 01:22:28,333
He's gone.

1194
01:22:30,167 --> 01:22:31,800
And so I think
there's an empty promise.

1195
01:22:31,833 --> 01:22:33,467
It's almost like,
you know, when alcoholics...

1196
01:22:33,500 --> 01:22:35,500
talk about the romance
of the bottle.

1197
01:22:35,533 --> 01:22:37,533
You know?

1198
01:22:37,567 --> 01:22:39,700
Like, maybe the first sip
is really good,

1199
01:22:39,733 --> 01:22:42,233
and everything else is hell.

1200
01:22:42,267 --> 01:22:46,333
So maybe walking out there
he had a romantic moment
or two, or an hour,

1201
01:22:48,467 --> 01:22:50,733
but hitting the water
can't be fun.

1202
01:22:52,733 --> 01:22:55,600
I think he felt
like a failure, and this
was some sort of redemption.

1203
01:22:59,633 --> 01:23:02,267
I think that
it just drew him
with this idea...

1204
01:23:02,300 --> 01:23:04,367
of, you know, sort of...

1205
01:23:05,800 --> 01:23:07,467
being famous.

1206
01:23:53,833 --> 01:23:57,533
The last time I saw him,
I was leaving for work,

1207
01:23:57,567 --> 01:24:00,333
and, uh,
I gave him five bucks...

1208
01:24:00,367 --> 01:24:03,133
so he could
get a pack of smokes,
go grab a paper,

1209
01:24:03,167 --> 01:24:06,500
and, you know, go out
and maybe hit a couple places...

1210
01:24:06,533 --> 01:24:09,433
to put in some applications,

1211
01:24:09,467 --> 01:24:11,433
and that's when he disappeared.

1212
01:24:11,467 --> 01:24:15,267
I was the last one
to actually talk to him.

1213
01:24:15,300 --> 01:24:19,433
And I remember
when I was walking
out the door, I--

1214
01:24:19,467 --> 01:24:23,267
The last thing I said to him--
I said, "Cheer up, Gene."

1215
01:24:23,300 --> 01:24:26,633
You know, I said,
"Everything will work out."

1216
01:24:26,667 --> 01:24:30,633
You know. And, uh,
just jokingly I said,

1217
01:24:30,667 --> 01:24:32,567
"See you when I get home.
Love you."

1218
01:24:32,600 --> 01:24:37,433
And that was it.
That was the last thing
I ever said to him.

1219
01:24:37,467 --> 01:24:40,600
The last thing I ever
said to him was a fight.
Yeah.

1220
01:24:42,067 --> 01:24:44,600
Because he wasn't--

1221
01:24:44,633 --> 01:24:48,067
I didn't think he was
trying to find a job
as hard as he could,

1222
01:24:48,100 --> 01:24:50,167
and it was
making me angry...

1223
01:24:50,200 --> 01:24:53,367
because I knew
that he was very smart
and he was very capable,

1224
01:24:53,400 --> 01:24:58,400
and the only thing
holding him back
was him just not caring.

1225
01:24:58,433 --> 01:25:00,633
And he had found
one of the kids'
sidewalk chalk,

1226
01:25:00,667 --> 01:25:04,367
and he was sitting
behind Matt's truck,

1227
01:25:04,400 --> 01:25:07,133
and he wrote "End me"
on the ground.

1228
01:25:07,167 --> 01:25:10,033
Like he scratched it in
over and over and over.

1229
01:25:10,067 --> 01:25:12,200
And my son came in
and got me,

1230
01:25:12,233 --> 01:25:14,200
and said,
"Why would Gene
write that?"

1231
01:25:22,500 --> 01:25:25,500
Knowing Gene and the way
his personality works and stuff,

1232
01:25:25,533 --> 01:25:27,600
the Golden Gate Bridge
was perfect for him...

1233
01:25:27,633 --> 01:25:33,167
because it's just
one easy step,
and there's no turning back.

1234
01:25:33,200 --> 01:25:37,467
In hindsight,
I almost feel like
it was meant to happen.

1235
01:25:37,500 --> 01:25:39,467
Maybe he's happy now.

1236
01:25:39,500 --> 01:25:41,367
You know, who knows?
I don't.

1237
01:25:41,400 --> 01:25:42,733
But, uh,

1238
01:25:44,233 --> 01:25:46,500
I know he was--

1239
01:25:46,533 --> 01:25:49,333
He couldn't have
lasted much longer.

1240
01:25:49,367 --> 01:25:51,200
Not the way he was going.

1241
01:25:51,233 --> 01:25:53,600
But if
he would have waited,

1242
01:25:53,633 --> 01:25:55,367
there was a message
on our answering machine...

1243
01:25:55,400 --> 01:25:58,133
from one of the places
in Oakland--
Yeah.

1244
01:25:58,167 --> 01:26:01,333
that had offered him
a management position,
which was what he wanted.

1245
01:26:01,367 --> 01:26:04,400
They were opening
a new... GameStop,
I think it was.

1246
01:26:04,433 --> 01:26:06,700
Whatever.
One of the game places.
One of the game stores.

1247
01:26:06,733 --> 01:26:08,767
They were gonna
put him straight
into management.

1248
01:26:08,800 --> 01:26:12,633
He had an interview
the day that he jumped
at 10:00 in the morning.

1249
01:26:12,667 --> 01:26:16,300
And I don't know
if he got the message
or if he missed it,

1250
01:26:16,333 --> 01:26:18,133
'cause I don't know
what time he left.

1251
01:26:18,167 --> 01:26:21,200
He was gone
before I got home.

1252
01:26:21,233 --> 01:26:26,100
So, if he would have
either just checked
the message or waited--

1253
01:26:33,567 --> 01:26:37,633
I couldn't fully cry
and I couldn't fully whatever,

1254
01:26:37,667 --> 01:26:41,367
but the overwhelming emotion
was anger.

1255
01:26:41,400 --> 01:26:42,567
You know?

1256
01:26:42,600 --> 01:26:45,300
I was extremely pissed.

1257
01:26:45,333 --> 01:26:47,800
I wanted to drive out
to the Bay Area...

1258
01:26:47,833 --> 01:26:51,533
and go to the coroner and,

1259
01:26:53,667 --> 01:26:56,767
you know-- Clear!
Wake up.

1260
01:26:56,800 --> 01:26:59,233
Why did you do that?

1261
01:26:59,267 --> 01:27:03,733
I don't see any reason
for people to do that.

1262
01:27:05,567 --> 01:27:08,767
Gene had people
in this world
that loved him,

1263
01:27:10,767 --> 01:27:13,133
and he hurt 'em.

1264
01:27:15,533 --> 01:27:18,567
If I see him again,
that's what I want to tell him.

1265
01:27:18,600 --> 01:27:21,533
He hurt me,
and I didn't think
he would ever do that.

1266
01:27:29,433 --> 01:27:32,300
"Disturbed"
is an interesting word
'cause it--

1267
01:27:33,767 --> 01:27:36,700
That's all I can
define it as,
is I was disturbed.

1268
01:27:36,733 --> 01:27:40,233
Now I miss him.
Now I'm sad.

1269
01:27:40,267 --> 01:27:43,667
But at the moment,
there was almost--

1270
01:27:45,633 --> 01:27:49,500
That I got the news,
there was almost
a sense of relief,

1271
01:27:50,600 --> 01:27:51,700
um,

1272
01:27:54,133 --> 01:27:58,300
that he wasn't going
to be... disappointed...

1273
01:27:58,333 --> 01:28:01,167
or unhappy anymore.

1274
01:28:01,200 --> 01:28:02,400
Um--

1275
01:28:03,600 --> 01:28:05,500
Now I miss him,

1276
01:28:05,533 --> 01:28:10,067
but... I don't have
any-- any answers.

1277
01:28:11,267 --> 01:28:14,300
Um, just a bunch
of observations...

1278
01:28:14,333 --> 01:28:18,400
and a bunch of experience...

1279
01:28:18,433 --> 01:28:21,233
of feeling disturbed...

1280
01:28:21,267 --> 01:28:23,467
about that situation.

1281
01:28:24,700 --> 01:28:27,600
I don't know why
people kill themselves,

1282
01:28:27,633 --> 01:28:31,767
and yet, it's a small step
to empathize,

1283
01:28:31,800 --> 01:28:34,167
to say--

1284
01:28:34,200 --> 01:28:39,267
Because I think we all
experience moments
of despair, that--

1285
01:28:39,300 --> 01:28:42,600
It would
just be so much easier
not to do this anymore.

1286
01:28:43,833 --> 01:28:47,133
But for most of us,
the sun comes out,

1287
01:28:47,167 --> 01:28:50,333
and then, oh, well.

1288
01:28:50,367 --> 01:28:52,333
Tomorrow is another day.

1289
01:29:01,533 --> 01:29:04,667
Why he chose the bridge,
I don't know.

1290
01:29:06,333 --> 01:29:10,367
Maybe there's
a certain amount
of release...

1291
01:29:10,400 --> 01:29:14,233
from pain, by pain.

1292
01:29:17,400 --> 01:29:20,000
Maybe he just wanted
to fly one time.