1 00:00:03,844 --> 00:00:04,978 Guys, guess what I found-- my set list 2 00:00:05,045 --> 00:00:06,179 from when I did stand-up in fifth grade. 3 00:00:07,714 --> 00:00:09,215 What is the deal 4 00:00:09,283 --> 00:00:11,417 with these moms who make lunch? 5 00:00:11,485 --> 00:00:13,486 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this, Kelvin? 6 00:00:13,553 --> 00:00:16,188 I mean, why are you writing me a note, you silly goose? 7 00:00:16,256 --> 00:00:19,391 I know you love me. You told me this morning! 8 00:00:19,458 --> 00:00:23,095 And what is the deal with these juice box straws? 9 00:00:23,163 --> 00:00:25,998 I mean, how hard does it have to be 10 00:00:26,065 --> 00:00:27,800 to get the facacta thing in the hole? 11 00:00:27,867 --> 00:00:29,868 It just spills all over ya! 12 00:00:29,936 --> 00:00:31,269 And then I have a bunch of stuff about, like, 13 00:00:31,336 --> 00:00:33,570 the difference between little girls and little boys. 14 00:00:33,638 --> 00:00:35,339 You know, little girls be sharin'. 15 00:00:35,407 --> 00:00:37,175 They be sharin', man. Little girls be sharin'. 16 00:00:37,242 --> 00:00:38,609 It's funny 'cause it's a list. 17 00:00:40,078 --> 00:00:42,213 Oh, boo. You're not laughing. What's wrong? 18 00:00:42,281 --> 00:00:44,015 You consto? 19 00:00:44,082 --> 00:00:46,784 Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just bummed about work junk. 20 00:00:46,851 --> 00:00:48,852 The car czar and his cronies are this total boys club, 21 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,020 and I can't get in. 22 00:00:50,087 --> 00:00:51,487 Whoa. 23 00:00:51,555 --> 00:00:52,689 Look at the sunny-side ups on that breakfast platter. 24 00:00:52,756 --> 00:00:53,857 Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm! 25 00:00:53,925 --> 00:00:55,292 Hey, boys. 26 00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:57,160 What are we doin'? Looking at some girly pics? 27 00:00:57,228 --> 00:00:59,362 I can get in with that. 28 00:00:59,430 --> 00:01:02,199 Ahh, yeah, to think that she is somebody's daughter. 29 00:01:04,167 --> 00:01:05,667 She was once a baby... 30 00:01:05,735 --> 00:01:07,169 In a nursery. 31 00:01:07,237 --> 00:01:10,172 It is infuriating. 32 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:11,440 Baby, calm down. 33 00:01:11,507 --> 00:01:14,109 You're forgetting your sexy secret weapon. 34 00:01:14,177 --> 00:01:15,845 My Jack Nicholson impression. 35 00:01:15,912 --> 00:01:17,079 Hmm? 36 00:01:17,147 --> 00:01:18,513 Lakers. 37 00:01:18,581 --> 00:01:20,448 No. Me! 38 00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:21,850 I'm amazing at guy talk. 39 00:01:21,917 --> 00:01:24,385 Just invite the guys over, and I'll help you get in. 40 00:01:24,453 --> 00:01:25,486 I'll be your guy guide. 41 00:01:25,554 --> 00:01:26,687 Your guyde. 42 00:01:26,755 --> 00:01:28,223 Yep, already a word. 43 00:01:28,290 --> 00:01:29,490 Realized it as soon as I said it. 44 00:01:29,558 --> 00:01:31,092 - Yeah. - Hey, guys. 45 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:32,460 - Hey! - Whazzup! 46 00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:35,195 What-- question mark-- is-- question mark-- that? 47 00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:36,463 I just went to see Dr. Spratt 48 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,598 about my little spill down the stairs, 49 00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:40,533 and apparently, I still have a mild concussion, 50 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:43,871 and I have to wear this stupid helmet for a month. 51 00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:45,772 You look like a crayon a fat kid would eat. 52 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,075 Did you valet your kayak or did you find street parking? 53 00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:49,209 Let's go around the horn! 54 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:50,977 Yeah, did you, uh... oh... 55 00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,678 Helmet joke. I just wanted in. 56 00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:54,513 You know what? I think this is really good because... 57 00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:56,082 you do hit your head a lot. 58 00:01:56,149 --> 00:01:57,449 Aah! 59 00:01:57,517 --> 00:01:59,085 I'm going down. Oh! Ohh! 60 00:01:59,152 --> 00:02:00,552 Okay? Aah! 61 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:02,788 Yeah, I don't remember any of that. 62 00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:05,591 Maybe because of the concussion. 63 00:02:05,658 --> 00:02:07,192 How did I get here? 64 00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:08,693 Penny. 65 00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:10,262 Penny. Penny. 66 00:02:10,329 --> 00:02:11,963 Pen. 67 00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:13,531 - Penny. - Stop. 68 00:02:13,599 --> 00:02:16,201 Stop. It's not funny. 69 00:02:19,338 --> 00:02:22,838 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 70 00:02:26,278 --> 00:02:30,347 Goal! 71 00:02:30,415 --> 00:02:31,648 - Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! - All right, 72 00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,650 enough with the showboating, ya tiny Hooligan. 73 00:02:33,718 --> 00:02:35,252 It's bad enough we're getting beat by someone 74 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,389 who's only slightly larger than the actual foosball players. 75 00:02:38,456 --> 00:02:40,056 I'm sorry. 76 00:02:44,929 --> 00:02:46,296 You had to take her to a soccer game? 77 00:02:46,363 --> 00:02:47,863 It will never catch on here. 78 00:02:47,932 --> 00:02:49,532 Oh, great. 79 00:02:49,599 --> 00:02:51,334 There's Brody. I hate that douche. 80 00:02:51,402 --> 00:02:52,936 Oh. Are you kidding me? 81 00:02:53,003 --> 00:02:55,137 This guy is a world-class dum-dum. 82 00:02:55,204 --> 00:02:57,439 I think you guys are being pretty hard on Brody. 83 00:02:57,506 --> 00:02:58,974 He seems like a funny, nice guy, 84 00:02:59,042 --> 00:03:01,509 plus his name has the word "bro" built right into it. 85 00:03:01,577 --> 00:03:05,013 Yo, D. Rose! What's up, gangsta? 86 00:03:05,081 --> 00:03:06,614 How's it going, Brody? 87 00:03:06,682 --> 00:03:08,817 - Just crushin' life, bro. - Congrats. 88 00:03:08,884 --> 00:03:10,485 Whoa! Still hanging out with the nutcracker, huh? 89 00:03:12,220 --> 00:03:13,220 - The nutcracker! - Classic Brody! 90 00:03:13,288 --> 00:03:15,056 Ohh! 91 00:03:15,123 --> 00:03:16,390 Your hand's a turkey, bro. 92 00:03:18,693 --> 00:03:19,994 Wild turkey. 93 00:03:20,062 --> 00:03:21,462 Ohh! 94 00:03:21,529 --> 00:03:24,131 What a sick jerk. 95 00:03:24,199 --> 00:03:25,699 I know. 96 00:03:25,767 --> 00:03:27,167 Why can't he understand that Alex and I have transcended-- 97 00:03:27,234 --> 00:03:29,502 - Not your crap! The fist bump! - What? 98 00:03:29,570 --> 00:03:32,505 A fist bump is a sacred contract between the fists of men. 99 00:03:32,573 --> 00:03:33,840 You don't go playing around, 100 00:03:33,907 --> 00:03:35,741 turning people's hands into turkeys. 101 00:03:35,809 --> 00:03:39,579 I don't like that guy, and I want it on record. 102 00:03:39,646 --> 00:03:41,448 We've been over this. There is no actual record. 103 00:03:41,515 --> 00:03:43,648 Then why are we doing any of this? 104 00:03:43,716 --> 00:03:45,951 Okay, babe, get ready to follow me into the boys club. 105 00:03:46,019 --> 00:03:47,886 All guys love college football, 106 00:03:47,954 --> 00:03:49,221 so I'm gonna bring it up, 107 00:03:49,289 --> 00:03:51,090 then you launch into your tirade about the BCS. 108 00:03:51,157 --> 00:03:52,924 We need a legitimate playoff system! 109 00:03:52,993 --> 00:03:54,193 - Mm! - Let's do it. 110 00:03:54,260 --> 00:03:56,195 - Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh! - Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh! 111 00:03:58,298 --> 00:04:00,631 Everybody having a good time? 112 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,600 - Great party, Jane. - Mm-hmm. 113 00:04:02,667 --> 00:04:03,968 Oh, except for these veggie puff things. 114 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:06,570 You got anything with some... animal in it? 115 00:04:06,638 --> 00:04:08,672 You know, something that used to have a mom? 116 00:04:08,740 --> 00:04:10,875 Speaking of moms... 117 00:04:10,942 --> 00:04:13,077 I see a lot of college football fans around here, huh? 118 00:04:13,145 --> 00:04:14,645 Man, do I approve of the BCS! 119 00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:18,382 No! We need a legitimate playoff system! Huh! 120 00:04:18,449 --> 00:04:21,418 I'm not a fan of college, uh, football. 121 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:25,555 Hey! Oh! 122 00:04:25,623 --> 00:04:27,657 I love this candle, Jane! 123 00:04:27,725 --> 00:04:29,759 Oh! Where did you get this? 124 00:04:29,827 --> 00:04:33,595 Well, actually, I made it in my candle studio/our laundry room. 125 00:04:33,663 --> 00:04:34,963 Really? 126 00:04:35,032 --> 00:04:36,999 - Yeah. - Would you show me how you do it? 127 00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:39,068 Uh-oh! You did it now, Brad. 128 00:04:39,136 --> 00:04:40,369 You found her hobby... 129 00:04:40,437 --> 00:04:41,837 Making bad versions 130 00:04:41,905 --> 00:04:43,939 of things that you could just easily buy in a store. 131 00:04:45,409 --> 00:04:48,076 But, by all means, show her how you make that thing. 132 00:04:48,144 --> 00:04:50,045 Yeah. Show me how you make it. 133 00:04:50,112 --> 00:04:51,746 Show me. Show me, show me, show me! 134 00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:53,381 Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. 135 00:04:53,449 --> 00:04:55,517 Unh! 136 00:04:56,785 --> 00:04:59,387 So... 137 00:04:59,455 --> 00:05:02,023 you and the guys wanna go check out some porno? 138 00:05:02,091 --> 00:05:04,191 Get some eyes on some thighs? 139 00:05:04,259 --> 00:05:06,793 Some peepers on some creepers? 140 00:05:06,861 --> 00:05:09,596 Some rods and cones on some... 141 00:05:09,664 --> 00:05:12,666 bwras and thowngs? 142 00:05:14,569 --> 00:05:15,769 No. 143 00:05:15,836 --> 00:05:17,871 This helmet thing isn't that bad. 144 00:05:17,939 --> 00:05:20,373 I mean, we just need to cute it up, right? 145 00:05:20,441 --> 00:05:22,308 - Here. Take that off. - Try this one. 146 00:05:22,376 --> 00:05:24,043 Eh? Come on, it's pink. 147 00:05:24,111 --> 00:05:25,445 All right. 148 00:05:25,512 --> 00:05:27,413 This is so stupid. 149 00:05:27,481 --> 00:05:29,549 What? I think it's cute. 150 00:05:30,850 --> 00:05:32,385 Oh! So sorry. Sorry. Oh. 151 00:05:32,453 --> 00:05:33,819 Oh, no. Don't worry about it. 152 00:05:33,887 --> 00:05:35,687 Actually, I read somewhere that wearing a helmet 153 00:05:35,754 --> 00:05:38,156 reduces your peripheral vision by 40%. 154 00:05:38,224 --> 00:05:39,824 - Really? - No, I can't read. 155 00:05:41,461 --> 00:05:42,494 I'm, uh, I'm Pete. 156 00:05:42,562 --> 00:05:44,262 - Oh. Penny. Hello. - Penny. 157 00:05:44,330 --> 00:05:46,431 - Helmet shopping, I see. - Well... 158 00:05:46,499 --> 00:05:48,533 I'm, uh, I'm looking for a lock myself. 159 00:05:48,601 --> 00:05:49,867 There's a hobo in my neighborhood 160 00:05:49,935 --> 00:05:51,469 who keeps trying to steal my bike. 161 00:05:51,536 --> 00:05:53,036 Nice use of the word "hobo." 162 00:05:53,105 --> 00:05:54,505 Makes him seem more quaint, right? 163 00:05:54,573 --> 00:05:55,672 A "quaint"? 164 00:05:55,740 --> 00:05:56,907 Isn't that the space 165 00:05:56,975 --> 00:05:59,210 between a gal's goal and her penalty box? 166 00:05:59,277 --> 00:06:01,011 I'm sorry. 167 00:06:01,079 --> 00:06:02,879 I'm gonna be kinda forward here. 168 00:06:02,947 --> 00:06:05,583 Do you wanna get a coffee with me sometime? 169 00:06:05,650 --> 00:06:09,119 I would love to. I would love to. 170 00:06:09,186 --> 00:06:13,089 But you know what? I've got so much going on. So slammed. 171 00:06:13,157 --> 00:06:14,690 No, it's okay. It's totally okay. 172 00:06:14,758 --> 00:06:16,826 Can't, uh, can't blame a guy for trying. 173 00:06:18,095 --> 00:06:19,929 - All right. - Okay. 174 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:22,165 - Are you crazy? He's beautiful. - I know. 175 00:06:22,233 --> 00:06:23,599 - He's soo cyah. - So cyah. 176 00:06:23,666 --> 00:06:26,502 So cyah. I can't go on a date wearing this. 177 00:06:26,569 --> 00:06:28,937 Come on. He could be your soul mate, your kindred spirit, 178 00:06:29,005 --> 00:06:30,405 your "One Tree Hill". 179 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,107 That's not the saying, but you're right. 180 00:06:32,175 --> 00:06:34,776 I cannot let this thing hold me back. 181 00:06:34,844 --> 00:06:36,178 I have helmet. 182 00:06:36,246 --> 00:06:38,980 - Helmet doesn't have me. - That's right. 183 00:06:40,415 --> 00:06:42,350 - Hey, Pete? - Hmm? 184 00:06:42,417 --> 00:06:44,552 Um, I'm actually in for that coffee. 185 00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:46,187 Great! What changed your mind? 186 00:06:46,255 --> 00:06:48,489 Uh, just some advice from a friend. 187 00:06:48,557 --> 00:06:49,757 She's very wise. 188 00:06:51,693 --> 00:06:54,762 This one's top-notch. Barely felt that. 189 00:06:54,829 --> 00:06:56,263 Ah, she's a gem. 190 00:07:02,401 --> 00:07:03,934 Four sandos and counting. 191 00:07:04,002 --> 00:07:06,037 What's with the big appetite, hungry puppy? 192 00:07:06,104 --> 00:07:08,473 I'm carbo-fueling my rage for Brody. 193 00:07:08,541 --> 00:07:09,874 Come on, man. It was just a fist bump. 194 00:07:09,941 --> 00:07:12,377 It was... Not just a fist bump! 195 00:07:12,444 --> 00:07:14,011 I'm sensitive, okay? 196 00:07:14,079 --> 00:07:16,548 This is not the first time I've been handshake-betrayed. 197 00:07:16,615 --> 00:07:18,282 It was the fifth damn grade. 198 00:07:18,349 --> 00:07:20,450 Jimmy Nichols offered me a high-fiver. 199 00:07:20,518 --> 00:07:22,286 I accepted. 200 00:07:22,353 --> 00:07:25,622 Why not? It would be rude not to. 201 00:07:25,690 --> 00:07:26,657 Then he offered me one down low. 202 00:07:26,724 --> 00:07:27,791 Took that as well. 203 00:07:27,858 --> 00:07:29,526 Bam! 204 00:07:29,994 --> 00:07:32,428 Pulled that "too slow" crap 205 00:07:32,496 --> 00:07:34,329 just like the cheatin' half-Italian bastard 206 00:07:34,397 --> 00:07:35,564 that he was. 207 00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:41,303 School would no longer be 208 00:07:41,370 --> 00:07:43,572 a safe place for me to shake hands. 209 00:07:46,576 --> 00:07:47,776 Dave? 210 00:07:47,844 --> 00:07:50,612 Down low, too slow. 211 00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:52,046 David? 212 00:07:52,114 --> 00:07:53,848 All that pain... 213 00:07:53,916 --> 00:07:55,149 What's happening? 214 00:07:55,217 --> 00:07:56,718 It's my fault. 215 00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,388 I invented "down low, too slow." 216 00:08:01,456 --> 00:08:02,690 What? 217 00:08:02,758 --> 00:08:04,726 I did this to you. 218 00:08:04,793 --> 00:08:05,826 What are you talking about? 219 00:08:05,893 --> 00:08:07,828 I'm sorry. I'm sorry! 220 00:08:07,895 --> 00:08:09,162 - Dave! - I'm sorry! 221 00:08:09,230 --> 00:08:11,464 What are you talk-- what about your truck?! 222 00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:12,666 What are you talking about, Candice? 223 00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,467 You'd look great with bangs. 224 00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,069 May I? Watch. 225 00:08:16,137 --> 00:08:19,405 - Look at that. See? - All right. 226 00:08:19,473 --> 00:08:21,874 So then Denise comes back from the garden center 227 00:08:21,942 --> 00:08:22,975 - with another fountain. - Ohh! 228 00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:24,409 That makes three. 229 00:08:24,477 --> 00:08:27,013 Oh! Hey, hey, hey! I'm feeling you, guy. 230 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:28,981 If shopping were an olympic sport, 231 00:08:29,049 --> 00:08:31,416 my wife would be... 232 00:08:31,484 --> 00:08:32,752 a fat bitch. 233 00:08:34,621 --> 00:08:36,555 Ohh! 234 00:08:36,623 --> 00:08:37,689 How you doin'? 235 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,360 You guys think your wives are bad? 236 00:08:42,427 --> 00:08:44,129 Brad is so spoiled, 237 00:08:44,196 --> 00:08:46,397 he can't sing "Louie, Louie" 238 00:08:46,465 --> 00:08:49,267 without adding the words "Vuitton, Vuitton." 239 00:08:57,108 --> 00:09:00,010 Who knew?! Ha ha! Kerkovich! 240 00:09:00,078 --> 00:09:02,546 Gettin' loose with the spousal abuse! 241 00:09:02,613 --> 00:09:03,681 - Mm. - Wow! 242 00:09:03,748 --> 00:09:04,882 Hey, let me ask you something. 243 00:09:04,949 --> 00:09:06,917 Is there a 10-inch whore here? 244 00:09:06,985 --> 00:09:08,385 'Cause that was a low blow! 245 00:09:08,452 --> 00:09:09,519 Ohh! 246 00:09:09,587 --> 00:09:10,687 Give me that, dum-dum. 247 00:09:10,754 --> 00:09:12,388 That's for you. 248 00:09:12,455 --> 00:09:13,522 Oh. 249 00:09:17,027 --> 00:09:18,627 Hi! 250 00:09:18,696 --> 00:09:20,663 Wow! Well. 251 00:09:20,731 --> 00:09:22,231 Listen, I know we talked about coffee, 252 00:09:22,299 --> 00:09:24,366 but I thought we could do something a little different, 253 00:09:24,434 --> 00:09:27,435 so I booked us on a segway tour. 254 00:09:27,503 --> 00:09:28,970 What? 255 00:09:29,038 --> 00:09:30,205 Wow. Um... 256 00:09:30,272 --> 00:09:32,473 Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? 257 00:09:32,541 --> 00:09:33,975 Uh, okay. We could do that. 258 00:09:34,043 --> 00:09:35,177 - Yeah? - Yeah. 259 00:09:35,244 --> 00:09:36,845 I mean, it's gonna be awesome. 260 00:09:36,913 --> 00:09:38,180 I know it's lame that they make us wear these stupid helmets. 261 00:09:38,247 --> 00:09:40,348 I was all, "um, I think we're cool. 262 00:09:40,416 --> 00:09:41,649 We're not gonna, like, 263 00:09:41,717 --> 00:09:43,483 accidentally bang our heads on stuff." 264 00:09:43,551 --> 00:09:45,619 And the segway guy was all, "the president of our company 265 00:09:45,687 --> 00:09:47,021 actually died tragically on one of these." 266 00:09:47,089 --> 00:09:49,857 And I was all, "I'm sorry for your loss." 267 00:09:49,925 --> 00:09:51,726 Okay, well, uh, let's segway. 268 00:09:51,793 --> 00:09:53,360 - Let's segway! - Let's segway. 269 00:09:53,428 --> 00:09:54,595 - Okay, the tour company is around the corner. - Okay. 270 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:55,696 - Follow me, sir. - Yeah. 271 00:09:55,764 --> 00:09:57,098 But it's very intuitive. 272 00:09:57,165 --> 00:09:58,164 It's kind of an art, is what I'm... 273 00:09:58,232 --> 00:09:59,298 Oh. Look out. Jeez. 274 00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:00,934 - Penny, you okay? - Yeah, I'm good. 275 00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,836 Honestly, this could not be easier to do, in a weird way. 276 00:10:04,105 --> 00:10:06,840 That's it, Penny. Try leaning another way. 277 00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,842 Okay. 278 00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:10,676 Then try... 279 00:10:10,745 --> 00:10:12,178 - You're dragging a chair. - I think-- I know. 280 00:10:12,246 --> 00:10:13,512 - Just-- just... - Yeah, no, I'm... 281 00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:16,615 - Hiya! - That's it. You got that. 282 00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:17,883 Yeah! 283 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,986 Ohh. Great party, Jane. 284 00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,188 And thanks for the scotch. 285 00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,758 That was the second-best 18-year-old I've had all week. 286 00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:27,993 Ohh! 287 00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,361 He's just playing. 288 00:10:29,428 --> 00:10:31,129 - Yes, he is. - Y-yeah. Yeah. 289 00:10:31,196 --> 00:10:34,165 Playing with breasts that aren't attached to someone I hate. 290 00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:35,332 What?! 291 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:36,734 - Ohh! - Ohh! 292 00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:38,669 - Unh! - Aah! 293 00:10:38,737 --> 00:10:39,971 Aah! 294 00:10:40,038 --> 00:10:41,672 His humor makes me uncomfortable. 295 00:10:41,740 --> 00:10:43,207 They're fine. 296 00:10:43,275 --> 00:10:46,042 Baby, I am so sorry I left you hanging with the guys. 297 00:10:46,110 --> 00:10:48,511 I got caught up with the wives, and they would not let me go. 298 00:10:48,579 --> 00:10:50,113 It all worked out. 299 00:10:50,181 --> 00:10:52,315 I got to shoot the bull with the boys club all night. 300 00:10:52,383 --> 00:10:54,918 And they invited me 301 00:10:54,986 --> 00:10:57,788 to watch a game with them after work! 302 00:10:57,855 --> 00:10:59,022 Oh, that's great! I got invited out, too. 303 00:10:59,090 --> 00:11:00,590 The gals want me to go to their spinning class 304 00:11:00,658 --> 00:11:01,824 and then have salads afterwards. 305 00:11:01,892 --> 00:11:02,992 Look at us-- 306 00:11:03,059 --> 00:11:05,194 me in the boys club, 307 00:11:05,262 --> 00:11:06,996 you hangin' with the trophy wives. 308 00:11:07,063 --> 00:11:08,230 Yeah! 309 00:11:08,298 --> 00:11:10,099 Hold up. 310 00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:11,600 Are you calling me a trophy wife? 311 00:11:11,668 --> 00:11:12,734 W-- 312 00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:14,003 'Cause that's awesome! 313 00:11:14,070 --> 00:11:15,604 Yeah! Unh! 314 00:11:15,672 --> 00:11:16,972 - Mmm! Mmm! - Mmm! Mmm! 315 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,306 Oh, you did it. 316 00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:20,541 - Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh! - You did it. Unh! 317 00:11:20,609 --> 00:11:21,676 Yes! Yes! 318 00:11:21,743 --> 00:11:23,244 How are we doing, Brad? 319 00:11:23,312 --> 00:11:24,879 Great! Yeah! 320 00:11:24,947 --> 00:11:26,981 Ha ha! Aah! 321 00:11:27,049 --> 00:11:28,649 - Yeah! - Yeah! 322 00:11:28,717 --> 00:11:29,818 Yeah! 323 00:11:29,885 --> 00:11:30,952 - Hey! - Yeah! 324 00:11:33,422 --> 00:11:34,888 - Aah! Oh! - Aah! 325 00:11:37,793 --> 00:11:40,093 You just got car czared! 326 00:11:40,161 --> 00:11:41,862 Ohh! That was the best ever! 327 00:11:41,930 --> 00:11:44,598 So... how are things going with Pete? 328 00:11:44,666 --> 00:11:45,833 Not great. 329 00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:47,167 I mean, I really like him 330 00:11:47,235 --> 00:11:49,437 and I even gave us our own couple name. 331 00:11:49,504 --> 00:11:51,571 PandP Romance Factory. 332 00:11:53,106 --> 00:11:54,974 But I do think he's getting a little weirded out 333 00:11:55,042 --> 00:11:57,510 that I only wanna go on dates where we wear helmets. 334 00:11:57,578 --> 00:12:00,313 Yesterday, we took a moped safety course. 335 00:12:00,381 --> 00:12:01,548 Well, I'm glad you came to me 336 00:12:01,615 --> 00:12:02,749 because I-- you're welcome-- 337 00:12:02,817 --> 00:12:05,485 took it upon myself to fix your problem. 338 00:12:05,553 --> 00:12:07,453 Hey, guys. 339 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:09,421 Have you seen Dave? 340 00:12:09,489 --> 00:12:11,056 He ran out of the truck yesterday, acting really weird, 341 00:12:11,123 --> 00:12:12,491 and he's been... 342 00:12:14,561 --> 00:12:16,662 You can still tell I'm wearing a helmet, can't you? 343 00:12:16,730 --> 00:12:19,865 Al, I don't think this is gonna work. 344 00:12:19,932 --> 00:12:21,867 Really? I think they're great. 345 00:12:21,934 --> 00:12:23,534 I don't know what the two of you are up to. 346 00:12:23,602 --> 00:12:25,636 I think it's amazing. I want no part of it. 347 00:12:25,704 --> 00:12:28,272 I need to go find Dave. So make yourself useful and help me! 348 00:12:31,243 --> 00:12:34,144 Oh, no. This is bad. He's into the sangria. 349 00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:35,312 What do you want? 350 00:12:35,381 --> 00:12:37,415 Good God, man! 351 00:12:37,483 --> 00:12:39,115 That is the worst sangria mouth I've ever seen 352 00:12:39,183 --> 00:12:40,784 on a non-spaniard. 353 00:12:40,852 --> 00:12:43,253 All the pain you suffered from "down low, too slow"... 354 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:44,654 it's my fault. 355 00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:45,856 - Oh. - Dave... 356 00:12:45,923 --> 00:12:47,524 I don't think that you created-- 357 00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:51,795 I was 10 years old. I high-fived Becky Lutz. 358 00:12:51,863 --> 00:12:53,263 Then I offered her one lower down. 359 00:12:53,330 --> 00:12:54,697 "Down low," we called it. 360 00:12:54,765 --> 00:12:57,099 She swung for my hand, and I pulled it away, 361 00:12:57,166 --> 00:12:59,668 and then the rhyme spilled from my lips... 362 00:12:59,736 --> 00:13:01,670 like poison. 363 00:13:01,738 --> 00:13:04,774 "Too slow." 364 00:13:04,841 --> 00:13:07,109 Becky died that summer... 365 00:13:07,176 --> 00:13:08,544 Whoa! Unexpected turn. 366 00:13:08,612 --> 00:13:10,812 "My Girl"-style. 367 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:11,946 Bees. 368 00:13:12,014 --> 00:13:13,180 You know when you're young 369 00:13:13,248 --> 00:13:14,482 and you get something in your head 370 00:13:14,550 --> 00:13:15,784 and no one corrects you, but you keep believing it 371 00:13:15,851 --> 00:13:17,519 - even though it's crazy? - Yeah. 372 00:13:17,586 --> 00:13:20,121 Till I was 13, I used to think "L-M-N-O" was one letter. 373 00:13:20,188 --> 00:13:21,556 You're an idiot. 374 00:13:21,624 --> 00:13:22,657 I'm an idiot? 375 00:13:22,725 --> 00:13:23,858 What comes after Tuesday? 376 00:13:23,926 --> 00:13:25,092 Wed-nes-day. 377 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:26,493 - I'm sorry. I didn't... - Wed-nes-day. 378 00:13:26,561 --> 00:13:27,961 Who knows how many lives I've ruined, 379 00:13:28,029 --> 00:13:30,697 how many dreams I've burgled?! 380 00:13:30,765 --> 00:13:31,832 - Maybe we should just tell him. - I know. 381 00:13:31,900 --> 00:13:34,601 I gotta make this right. 382 00:13:34,669 --> 00:13:37,871 I'm gonna use my knowledge of handshake trickery 383 00:13:37,939 --> 00:13:41,942 and teach you a countermove to the turkey fist bump. 384 00:13:42,009 --> 00:13:44,544 You can take Brody down. 385 00:13:44,611 --> 00:13:47,112 This may be 386 00:13:47,180 --> 00:13:49,816 the single dumbest thing 387 00:13:49,883 --> 00:13:52,852 that have I ever been associated with, 388 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,220 and I love it and I'm in. 389 00:13:55,288 --> 00:13:57,457 Mmm, mmm. 390 00:13:57,524 --> 00:13:58,558 Ahh. 391 00:13:58,625 --> 00:14:00,259 Ugh. Good God. 392 00:14:06,371 --> 00:14:07,404 I like that. Yeah. 393 00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:08,671 Hey, boo! 394 00:14:08,739 --> 00:14:10,507 Hey, babe. I made that salad you like. 395 00:14:10,574 --> 00:14:11,909 Burrata, tomatoes, 396 00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,743 and balsamic so old it's a burden on its children. 397 00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:15,045 Aw! 398 00:14:15,113 --> 00:14:16,380 You're sweet. 399 00:14:16,447 --> 00:14:18,248 Hey, you got yours trained well, huh? 400 00:14:18,316 --> 00:14:19,783 If only I could train him 401 00:14:19,850 --> 00:14:22,585 to not spend so much money on gossip magazines. Am I right? 402 00:14:24,588 --> 00:14:26,222 Yeah, these guys... 403 00:14:26,290 --> 00:14:28,057 - Oh, boy. - What was that? 404 00:14:28,125 --> 00:14:29,526 What? 405 00:14:29,593 --> 00:14:31,093 Uh, you junk-talking me in front of your coworkers. 406 00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:32,595 No. We always talk about our wives. 407 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:34,564 That's how I bonded with these guys. 408 00:14:34,632 --> 00:14:37,032 Ted always talks about how dumb Sheila is. 409 00:14:37,099 --> 00:14:39,167 Keith talks about Wanda's surgery addiction. 410 00:14:39,235 --> 00:14:41,169 She looks like a Tom Petty Halloween mask. 411 00:14:41,237 --> 00:14:44,372 Hey! Wanda is a lovely, inspiring person. 412 00:14:45,442 --> 00:14:47,743 Whoa, babe! You seem crabby. 413 00:14:47,811 --> 00:14:50,378 Why don't you... 414 00:14:50,447 --> 00:14:53,448 go run along to the store, 415 00:14:53,515 --> 00:14:54,682 get yourself something nice? 416 00:14:56,384 --> 00:15:00,187 Oh, you did not just say that to me! 417 00:15:07,830 --> 00:15:10,263 Well... Pete and I are done. 418 00:15:10,331 --> 00:15:12,365 What happened? 419 00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:13,867 Well, I planned us this impromptu picnic. 420 00:15:13,935 --> 00:15:17,136 I couldn't do a normal picnic because of... 421 00:15:17,204 --> 00:15:20,306 Needless to say, it did-a not-a go-a well-a. 422 00:15:22,209 --> 00:15:23,877 Okay. 423 00:15:23,945 --> 00:15:26,078 Careful. 424 00:15:26,145 --> 00:15:27,813 You know what's crazy? 425 00:15:27,881 --> 00:15:29,849 Because of the helmet, we never had sex. 426 00:15:29,916 --> 00:15:34,453 So instead, we just got to know each other, and it was so great. 427 00:15:34,521 --> 00:15:37,155 This helmet wasn't just protecting my head. 428 00:15:37,223 --> 00:15:38,958 It was protecting my heart. 429 00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:40,592 Is that a quote from "Iron Man 2"? 430 00:15:40,659 --> 00:15:42,794 This sooks, though. I really liked him, Al. 431 00:15:42,862 --> 00:15:45,663 So tell him the truth, okay? Honesty is the best policy. 432 00:15:45,731 --> 00:15:48,232 You know what? You're right. I am gonna call Pete. 433 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:49,667 I'm gonna invite him over, 434 00:15:49,735 --> 00:15:51,569 and I'm gonna answer the door proudly 435 00:15:51,637 --> 00:15:54,205 in my flesh-colored prescription helmet. 436 00:15:54,272 --> 00:15:56,240 Hi. 437 00:15:56,308 --> 00:15:57,407 Thanks for coming. 438 00:15:57,475 --> 00:15:59,242 Thanks for inviting me. 439 00:15:59,310 --> 00:16:01,011 Aw. Oh. 440 00:16:01,078 --> 00:16:02,379 Ooh. 441 00:16:02,446 --> 00:16:04,815 Aah! Oh! 442 00:16:08,786 --> 00:16:10,153 Welcome to my home. 443 00:16:11,656 --> 00:16:14,123 And this comes with the rainbow package, so-- 444 00:16:14,190 --> 00:16:15,224 Aah! 445 00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:16,492 You would not believe! 446 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,960 Zero parking at the country club! 447 00:16:18,028 --> 00:16:19,896 And she was all, "that's not your ottoman!" 448 00:16:19,963 --> 00:16:21,998 And I was all, "dressing on the side, bitch!" 449 00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:24,634 And Dante has a boat. You need to fix this right now. 450 00:16:25,836 --> 00:16:27,336 What? 451 00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:29,404 One second. Just one... 452 00:16:29,471 --> 00:16:30,906 What? 453 00:16:30,973 --> 00:16:32,774 What the hell are you doing? 454 00:16:32,842 --> 00:16:35,343 You want a trophy wife? You got one. 455 00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:38,580 Aah! And I crashed my car! 456 00:16:38,648 --> 00:16:40,181 So I need a new one. I want this one. 457 00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:42,316 But it has to have a special little piggy airbag 458 00:16:42,384 --> 00:16:43,685 for my new BFF... 459 00:16:45,219 --> 00:16:46,620 Carnitas. 460 00:16:48,990 --> 00:16:50,123 What?! 461 00:16:50,191 --> 00:16:51,191 What? 462 00:16:51,259 --> 00:16:53,160 What?! 463 00:16:59,990 --> 00:17:01,390 There he is. 464 00:17:01,457 --> 00:17:04,459 Now remember, let him make the first move, then react. 465 00:17:04,527 --> 00:17:07,396 Fist bumps are a dance, man. A dance! 466 00:17:07,463 --> 00:17:09,731 Hey, Maximils! How's it goin'? 467 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:11,267 How's it goin', D. Rose? 468 00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:13,269 What's up, almost Mrs. D. Rose? 469 00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:14,670 Ha ha ha. 470 00:17:14,737 --> 00:17:16,704 Good one, Brody. 471 00:17:16,772 --> 00:17:18,206 Ohh! 472 00:17:18,274 --> 00:17:21,676 Your hand's a turkey. 473 00:17:21,743 --> 00:17:23,744 Well, too bad it's Thanksgiving! 474 00:17:23,813 --> 00:17:25,180 Mm! 475 00:17:25,247 --> 00:17:26,781 Thanksgiving, huh? 476 00:17:26,849 --> 00:17:28,950 What's Thanksgiving without the mashed potatoes? 477 00:17:36,457 --> 00:17:39,426 Yeah. 478 00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:40,393 - I'll kill you! - No! 479 00:17:40,461 --> 00:17:41,428 Whoa! 480 00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:43,730 No. Max! Max! 481 00:17:43,798 --> 00:17:45,199 Sorry, Brody. 482 00:17:45,266 --> 00:17:48,367 Max is just a little sensitive about handshake stuff because 483 00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,402 someone did the whole "down low, too slow" thing to him 484 00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:51,603 when he was a kid. 485 00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:54,974 I had no idea. Sorry, broseph. 486 00:17:55,042 --> 00:17:56,442 No hard feelings, right? 487 00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,811 All right. 488 00:17:58,879 --> 00:17:59,946 Squid away. 489 00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:02,949 Squid away. 490 00:18:03,016 --> 00:18:04,883 Oh, yeah. 491 00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:06,784 - I'll kill you! - No! Aah! 492 00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:09,921 Thank you for inviting me over. 493 00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:11,122 It's a lot easier to talk to you 494 00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:12,190 when I'm not trying to rollerblade 495 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,658 or play the jai alai. 496 00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:16,027 I'm glad you're here, too. 497 00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:19,164 Ooh. Okay. 498 00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,265 Oh. 499 00:18:26,537 --> 00:18:28,438 Ooh. 500 00:18:28,506 --> 00:18:29,907 Quilted. 501 00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:31,775 Boink, boink. 502 00:18:31,843 --> 00:18:34,144 Ooh. Soft, huh? Yeah. 503 00:18:34,212 --> 00:18:36,112 - Okay. - That's nice. Mm-hmm. 504 00:18:36,180 --> 00:18:37,480 - Mmm. Mmm. - Mnh. 505 00:18:37,547 --> 00:18:39,115 - Mmmm. Mm. Ooh. Ooh. - Yeah. 506 00:18:40,317 --> 00:18:41,584 - What? - Ooh! 507 00:18:41,651 --> 00:18:43,786 Ooh! That is the stuff. 508 00:18:43,854 --> 00:18:46,522 Yeah, mama likes that. Mmm. 509 00:18:46,590 --> 00:18:47,590 Okay. Okay. 510 00:18:47,657 --> 00:18:49,525 Um... 511 00:18:49,593 --> 00:18:50,693 I don't know what's going on. 512 00:18:50,761 --> 00:18:52,694 You're acting like a weirdo, 513 00:18:52,762 --> 00:18:55,663 so I'm gonna... I'm gonna go. 514 00:18:55,731 --> 00:18:58,566 Look, it's because I am a weirdo. 515 00:18:58,634 --> 00:19:01,169 I hit my head a lot-- 516 00:19:01,237 --> 00:19:03,038 like a cartoon coyote a lot-- 517 00:19:03,106 --> 00:19:05,473 and that's why I have to wear a helmet for a month. 518 00:19:05,541 --> 00:19:08,742 And I've been covering it up because I... 519 00:19:08,810 --> 00:19:10,611 I really like you. 520 00:19:10,678 --> 00:19:13,680 But... if you wanna go, I understand. 521 00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:24,590 Every queen... 522 00:19:24,658 --> 00:19:26,492 needs her crown. 523 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:30,630 Aw! 524 00:19:30,697 --> 00:19:31,764 Calm down, was all that was. 525 00:19:31,832 --> 00:19:33,133 Yeah. Calm down. 526 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:34,801 Yeah. Aw. 527 00:19:34,868 --> 00:19:36,036 What?! 528 00:19:36,103 --> 00:19:38,604 Oh, you know I will, girl! 529 00:19:38,672 --> 00:19:40,772 Girl, I will cut your face off! 530 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:41,941 But not really. 531 00:19:46,112 --> 00:19:47,813 I cannot believe you would embarrass me like that 532 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,181 in front of my coworkers. 533 00:19:49,249 --> 00:19:50,249 Why not? You did it to me. 534 00:19:50,317 --> 00:19:51,850 Oh, come on. 535 00:19:51,918 --> 00:19:53,085 Like you never talked smack about me 536 00:19:53,153 --> 00:19:54,486 to your i-banking buddies? 537 00:19:54,554 --> 00:19:56,287 No. Never. 538 00:19:56,355 --> 00:19:58,456 'Cause we're a team, and you don't do that to your partner. 539 00:20:00,426 --> 00:20:01,725 We are a team, aren't we? 540 00:20:01,793 --> 00:20:02,961 Yes. 541 00:20:03,028 --> 00:20:04,628 I'm so sorry. 542 00:20:04,696 --> 00:20:06,464 I just-- I wanted to be part of the boys club so bad 543 00:20:06,531 --> 00:20:09,367 that I-I got carried away, and I... 544 00:20:09,435 --> 00:20:10,868 I messed up. 545 00:20:13,704 --> 00:20:14,838 It's okay. 546 00:20:14,905 --> 00:20:17,707 Aw, boo bear. 547 00:20:19,310 --> 00:20:21,078 Brad, you're still here, huh? 548 00:20:21,145 --> 00:20:23,813 Figured you'd be at a, uh, hotel patio bar by now, 549 00:20:23,881 --> 00:20:26,149 boobs-deep in a red velvet Margarita, 550 00:20:26,217 --> 00:20:27,617 talking to your girlfriends about 551 00:20:27,685 --> 00:20:30,219 Cartier friendship bracelets and panty lines. 552 00:20:30,287 --> 00:20:32,321 - Nah, you crossed the line! It's about to-- - No. Okay. 553 00:20:32,389 --> 00:20:34,555 I got this. 554 00:20:34,623 --> 00:20:38,293 I'm done talking smack about my partner. 555 00:20:38,361 --> 00:20:40,761 Okay? And I don't need your stupid boys club. 556 00:20:40,829 --> 00:20:42,364 So if you have a problem with that, 557 00:20:42,431 --> 00:20:44,899 I suggest you take that hood ornament 558 00:20:44,967 --> 00:20:47,435 and do something really painful 559 00:20:47,503 --> 00:20:48,703 with it. 560 00:20:48,770 --> 00:20:51,538 No one ever speaks to the car czar like that. 561 00:20:51,606 --> 00:20:52,539 Ever. 562 00:20:53,975 --> 00:20:56,743 But I like it. 563 00:20:56,811 --> 00:20:58,012 Wait. No, I don't. 564 00:20:58,079 --> 00:21:01,115 Why would I like that? No boss would like that. 565 00:21:01,182 --> 00:21:03,150 But you are my top salesperson, 566 00:21:03,218 --> 00:21:05,019 so, uh, what am I gonna do? 567 00:21:05,086 --> 00:21:07,586 Later, Brad. 568 00:21:07,654 --> 00:21:10,589 So... it worked out. 569 00:21:10,657 --> 00:21:11,657 Yeah. 570 00:21:11,725 --> 00:21:14,327 Well, except, uh, real talk? 571 00:21:14,395 --> 00:21:16,629 This little piggy is gonna be 60 pounds in, like, 3 weeks. 572 00:21:16,696 --> 00:21:17,830 Yeah. 573 00:21:17,898 --> 00:21:19,032 - I bought him in anger. - Mm-hmm. 574 00:21:19,099 --> 00:21:20,366 - Yeah, I was rash. - Yeah. 575 00:21:20,434 --> 00:21:22,200 - I don't know what to do. - I know. 576 00:21:22,268 --> 00:21:23,868 I mean, we could give him away, but here's another wrinkle-- 577 00:21:23,936 --> 00:21:25,703 - I've grown to love him. Mmm! - Ohh! 578 00:21:25,771 --> 00:21:28,240 Mmm! 579 00:21:28,307 --> 00:21:29,807 You love him, I love him. 580 00:21:29,875 --> 00:21:31,209 I can't hear you. 581 00:21:31,277 --> 00:21:33,378 No, I know. It's 'cause... 582 00:21:33,446 --> 00:21:34,846 Sing, baby! 583 00:21:34,914 --> 00:21:36,181 ♪ Ahh ♪ 584 00:21:36,249 --> 00:21:37,749 Sing! 585 00:21:38,848 --> 00:21:44,192 -End-