1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,600 This programme contains strong language and some violent scenes 2 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,440 Hello? 3 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,720 Hello?! FEMALE VOICE: Hello?! 4 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,520 Oh. 5 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:09,840 There's an echo. HIGH HEELS TAP 6 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:11,360 I've just arrived. 7 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:13,280 I've just arrived. Hold on. 8 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,480 How did my echo get here before me? 9 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:18,160 Arlo, turn around. 10 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,480 Oh, Collie! It's you! 11 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,920 I got them things you wanted for the sandwiches. 12 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,800 Do you mind if I make one now? I'm absolutely Hank Marvin. 13 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,880 No! You can wait until the others get here. 14 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:33,200 What did you buy? 15 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,880 Pulled pork, pressed tongue, and a hot and spicy whip. 16 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,040 That sounds disgusting! 17 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,400 You said you wanted an SandM selection. 18 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,240 I said an MandS select...! 19 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:45,840 Never mind. 20 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:26,360 What are you doing? We're not in slow motion any more. 21 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:27,920 Oh. Sorry. 22 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,600 The boss is here. He wants help bringing the hardware in 23 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,600 from the car. Oh... 24 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,520 But I've just made meself a tea! Arlokino. 25 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:42,880 So, if you haven't already guessed, 26 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:45,480 it's a sort of cross between commedia dell'arte 27 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,640 and a heist movie. I guess because they both use masks. 28 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,640 Which is quite clever, in a way, 29 00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:53,680 but still sounds like something a drama teacher'd have a wank to. 30 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:55,720 But, hey, it's series six, 31 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,240 you've got to allow for a certain artistic exhaustion. 32 00:02:58,240 --> 00:02:59,280 Columbina. 33 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,600 Oh, God, here comes the subplot. 34 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,320 Just stick with me on these bits and we'll get through them 35 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,120 as quickly as possible. Columbina, you've got to help me. 36 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,840 My daddy wants me to marry his friend, the Captain, 37 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,680 who I've never even met. 38 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,800 But I have my heart set on another. 39 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,520 It's so unfair! Surely, Miss, your father has other things 40 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,880 on his mind today. Like, 12 million other things. 41 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:24,040 Because the diamonds we're stealing are worth £12 million? 42 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,040 Yes. That's... 43 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,160 Yes. 44 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,520 So, he's not going to have time 45 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:33,440 to be thinking about marriage proposals. 46 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,840 No, that's exactly why he is! 47 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,040 If everything goes according to plan, 48 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,920 then the Captain'll be rich beyond his wildest dreams. 49 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:44,200 Then my father will have no need to provide a dowry for me. 50 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,480 He can keep all his own earnings to himself. 51 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,160 It's nearly finished. He's being driven by greed 52 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:52,200 and not by my own wishes of who I want to marry. 53 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,840 But, Madam, what can I do? 54 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,800 I am just a lowly housemaid in this organisation. 55 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,840 I've written a letter to my true beloved, explaining my plight. 56 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,320 Please see that he gets it before the end of the job today. 57 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,360 You want me to give this letter to the Doctor's... 58 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,200 Yes! Yes, please. And not a word to my father. 59 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,120 I guess we're just pretending that WhatsApps and emails don't exist. 60 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,800 Still, I'll give her letter to the Doctor's son, Mario. 61 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,400 He's thick as shit, but fit as fuck! 62 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:23,520 Columbina, stop Fleabaggin' and make me a cup of splosh. 63 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,600 Yes, Master. Right away. 64 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,480 And I wasn't Fleabagging, I was Miranda-ing. 65 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,600 AS MIRANDA HART: Such fun. Ooh! 66 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,680 Careful with that, you clumsy cumwad! 67 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,960 There's enough TNT in 'ere to blow both your tiny 68 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,000 fucking brain cells out. 69 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:43,320 Now, did you bring the Glock like I asked ya? 70 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:44,720 No. 71 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:48,320 But I did wind my watch up this morning, even though it's digital. 72 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,200 No, your Glock, your pistol! 73 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,880 Oh! You mean this? 74 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:55,080 Don't point it at me. 75 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,600 It's all right, safety's on. 76 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,120 GUN FIRES, HE STARTS 77 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,160 My bad. 78 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:09,680 HE SNIFFS 79 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,880 ITALIAN ACCENT: My nose tells me this is the place. 80 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,840 Allow me to introduce myself. 81 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,920 I am Il Capitano. 82 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:32,040 I'm sorry that you're ill, but my name's not Capitano, it's Hortensia. 83 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,560 Ah, yes. 84 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:38,920 The Hor-tensia, daughter of my esteemed friend Senor Pantalone. 85 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,720 But I'm sure you've heard of me by reputation. 86 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,680 I am Scaramouche. 87 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,360 Scaramouche? Will you do the... BLEEP 88 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,920 What happened there? We couldn't afford the copyright. 89 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,920 Oh. That's a shame. 90 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,960 You're the man that my father wants me to marry?! 91 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,840 Un-a-til a-now I had been a-deaf to your beauty 92 00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,600 and blind to-a your voice, dumb to your scent 93 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,320 and mute to-a your caress. 94 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:06,520 I hope to wrong that a-right over the course of this segment. 95 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:11,800 So, what's your role in this job, Captain? Surveillance? Security? 96 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:16,440 I am international authority on booming. 97 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:18,480 Booming? Si, si. 98 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:22,320 Because of my booming skills, I can a-smash my way in anywhere. 99 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,960 Will you excuse me? I just need the bathroom. 100 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,600 SHE VOMITS 101 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,120 Ah, she is sick with love. 102 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:35,680 Hortensia, Hortensia, don't a-leave me on the fence-ia! 103 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,880 My feelings don't a-make sense-ia. 104 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,600 I hope it's not dementia. 105 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,440 Oi, Scaramouche. Ah, Senor Pantalone. 106 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,360 Some gelignite here for you to take a look at. 107 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,720 I have already eaten, but I thank you. 108 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:48,880 No, it's fucking dynamite! 109 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:50,520 Maybe a small bowl, then. 110 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:58,680 Right, the Doctor's going to be here any minute. How do you know? 111 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:02,160 Because I accidentally turned over two pages of the script at once. 112 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,760 Look, if you do me a favour, I'll let you have a sandwich. 113 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,520 What flavour? What flavour favour? 114 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,920 What flavour sandwich? Whatever you want. 115 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,520 Oh... I'd like a lovely slice of ham. 116 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:13,680 Lean? 117 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,120 I'd like a lovely slice of ham. 118 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:20,280 I bet you're loving this on the Cook'd and Bomb'd forum, aren't you? 119 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:24,400 Look, just give this love letter to the Doctor's son, Mario. 120 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,800 He'll know who it's from. Understand? 121 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,120 The scholar says, "Plethora," and the widow says, 122 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:30,960 "Thanks, that means a lot." 123 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,640 And now he's just turned over two pages at once. 124 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,960 It would appear this is the place, Mario. 125 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,000 Somewhat insalubrious, yet suitably clandestine. 126 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:51,040 The very sine qua non of a gangster's hideaway, n'est-ce pas? 127 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,600 It's a shithole. 128 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:53,680 Indeed. 129 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,400 And, yet, its crepuscular corners will allow us 130 00:07:56,400 --> 00:08:00,600 to dupe the old man and his cronies with our pseudo sparklers. 131 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,800 You have them still? 132 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,720 Oh, you mean the fake diamonds? Yes, yes! Lower your voice! 133 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,760 LOWER: You mean the fake diamonds? Mario! 134 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,560 Yes, I've shoved them down the front of my trousers. Good. 135 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,640 It's important to have a little circumspection. 136 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,080 I think I might if I bend over too quickly. 137 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,920 When the time is right, we will switch the bona fide jewels 138 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,640 with the paste ones and no-one will be any the wiser. Capiche? 139 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,400 Whatever you say, Pops. As long as no-one gets hurt. 140 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,360 You know you can't stand the sight of blood. Ah, yes. Well ceded. 141 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:35,480 Arlokino! You made me a ham sandwich. How kind. 142 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:36,880 Ah... 143 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,800 Mm! Do we have a quorum? 144 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,560 I speak a little Latin, you know. 145 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:45,480 Oh, that reminds me - a scholar goes to a funeral 146 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,360 and asks the widow... No, no, no, no. 147 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,480 You've done this bit already. Excuse me. 148 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:51,960 Oh... 149 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,200 I have something for you, too, Master Mario. 150 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,680 It's from the subplot, so it might not be that important. 151 00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:57,920 Oh, cool. 152 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,840 It's an epistle from a secret admirer. 153 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,960 Apparently you'll know who it's from. 154 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:19,960 I think I do. 155 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,920 Thanks, Arlo. 156 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:24,720 All right. Gentlemen, ladies, gather round. 157 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,680 Grab yourselves a seat. We need to get on with the briefing. 158 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,240 HE CHUCKLES 159 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,280 LOUD CRASH, GLASS SMASHES 160 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:28,160 LEATHER CREAKS 161 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:39,920 Please. 162 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,480 Continue. 163 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,760 Right. Now, you all know your roles, but, for the benefit of them 164 00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,400 who are watching on BBC Two, I'm going to go through it again. 165 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,240 And iPlayer. What? 166 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,080 Some people could be watching on iPlayer. 167 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:59,800 All right. For them what are watching on any BBC platform... 168 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,600 Or in other countries, doesn't have to be BBC. 169 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:06,080 They have it in Spain, don't they? Oh, yeah. Spain, Australia. 170 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,720 It's very big in China, apparently. All right, for fuck's sake! 171 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:11,920 Wherever people are watching it, we need to do a recap! 172 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:16,480 Now, the van with the diamonds leaves Hatton Garden roundabout 173 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:19,840 at 3pm precisely... 174 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:23,920 ..and heads down Greville Street towards Farringdon. 175 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:27,440 Mario, Scaramouche, you pull the barrier across 176 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,440 just west of Saffron Hill. 177 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,320 Er, you're aware of the CCTV... 178 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,240 Si, si. TV. 179 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:37,920 Now, you understand where it extends to. 180 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:41,560 It extends into the kitchen, but the reception is not-a so good. 181 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,880 Oh Jesus! Mario, you know about the CCTV, don't ya? 182 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,600 Sure. Good. 183 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,520 It's like CBeebies, but slightly more complicated programmes. 184 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:53,120 What? I'm not sure the Chinese are going to get that reference. 185 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:55,160 You need to say something like... 186 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,160 THEY ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER 187 00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:00,040 It's pretty universal... Shut the fuck up the lot of ya! 188 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:05,160 I will not stand here and be made to look like a prick! 189 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:06,560 ARLO LAUGHS 190 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,720 You think I'm joking? 191 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:14,880 Boss! 192 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,600 Can I suggest we do a montage? 193 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,360 Yes. 194 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:24,320 Yes. Thank you, Columbina. 195 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,000 Finally, someone talking sense. 196 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,120 You can do the voiceover. 197 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:36,560 At 3:02, the van, driven by a single security guard, 198 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:39,880 parks up outside Mugshots Coffee shop. 199 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:43,880 The guard gets out as usual to order a flat white. 200 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,320 COFFEE MACHINE HISSES 201 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,680 Hortensia is behind him in the queue 202 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,520 and bumps into the guard, creating a distraction. 203 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,560 So I can swap his coffee... 204 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,400 ..for the drugged one. 205 00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:00,480 Meanwhile, Mario and the Captain have closed the road 206 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:04,160 for an electrical repair, keeping the area free of traffic. 207 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,640 Arlo distracts the driver... 208 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:13,000 ..while Scaramouche applies the explosives to the top of the van. 209 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,680 CLUNK, BEEP 210 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,920 The guard takes his first sip of coffee while we get into position. 211 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,800 Then, five seconds later... 212 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,760 LOUD EXPLOSION 213 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:42,240 You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off! 214 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:45,760 Sorry, I've always wanted to say that. Carry on. 215 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,680 Pantalone grabs the keys from the drowsy guard 216 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:52,680 and takes the briefcase with the diamonds from the van. 217 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:57,520 Mario and Scaramouche head down the manhole into the sewers. 218 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,200 I pick up the boss in the getaway car. 219 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,920 We all meet back here at 6pm and share the spoils. 220 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,440 TYRES SCREECH 221 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,640 See? Piece of piss. Anything from the subplot? 222 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,160 No. I think we're all good on that front, Daddy. 223 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:14,880 Yeah, all good. 224 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,240 Bene, good. 225 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:20,600 Right, you've got 20 minutes to get your shit together. 226 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:25,480 Erm, boss, is it all right if I make a sandwich first? 227 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,880 No! Fuck off! Should've eaten before we got here. 228 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:34,800 Are you ready for the twist? 229 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,800 There's a good one. 230 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,480 Guv, it's Detective Sergeant Janus. 231 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,920 We're just about to leave the hideaway. 232 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,880 Put all units on standby. 233 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:51,000 No, I don't think they suspect a thing. 234 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:01,080 ARLO SCREAMS 235 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:02,840 Let's get him sat down. 236 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,240 Did anyone see where the boss went? I assume he's with Hortensia. 237 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,360 Why didn't you wait for 'em? I panic! 238 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,080 There were polices everywhere! I get you a drink. 239 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:14,080 No, no! Make me a cheese sandwich. Caerphilly? 240 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,120 Yeah, use a blunt knife. Go! 241 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,120 Come on. 242 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,160 Argh, argh! 243 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,000 Oh, fuck. What happened? 244 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:26,920 It was an ambush. They knew we were coming. 245 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,640 We must have a rat in the group. 246 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,880 Bob Geldof? No. 247 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,200 I mean somebody from the police. 248 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,920 Gordon Sumner? Who? 249 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:39,240 Roger Daltrey? No, they blew our cover. 250 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:42,240 A double crosser. Argh! What you doing?! 251 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,240 Taking your shoe off. You've been shot. No! 252 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,200 I need a sandwich first. I'm famished! 253 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,560 Scaramouche, Scaramouche! 254 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,840 No! What? We're not allowed. Oh, sorry. 255 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:53,560 Where's that sandwich?! 256 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,240 There is no cheese! 257 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,280 I can offer you a beef a-rap. Yeah, go on. 258 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:00,640 RAPPING: 259 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,120 for my bolognese! 260 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:04,560 HE SOBS 261 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,720 I'll give him a hand. Argh! 262 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:13,480 Listen, I got your letter. 263 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,280 I want you to know I feel exactly the same way. You do? 264 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,800 I do, yes. The uniform, the moustache. 265 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,480 Always dreamed of having a daddy like you. You have? 266 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,160 Look, I've got something down here that means that you and I, 267 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:27,440 we could run off together. Ah, he must mean the explosives. 268 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:31,520 Mario, I will a-use your bomb, but only when the time is right. 269 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,800 When Senor Pantalone gets here, then we will blow. 270 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,680 You mean a three-way? Si, si. 271 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:40,400 The passage will be tight, but I think we can manage it. 272 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,720 Good God, I'm so hard right now! 273 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,720 We could do with more a-men like a-him in the military. 274 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,080 Pops! 275 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,000 Oh, Mario. Deo gratias. 276 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,040 Are you unharmed? I'm fine. Not a scratch on me. 277 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,240 What happened to you? We managed to grab the diamonds 278 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,760 before the shooting started and made a run for it. How's Arlo? 279 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,840 Not good. Pops, you'd better have a look at him. 280 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:15,840 All right. But I don't have all my kit with me 281 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,720 and you know I'm not good with the sight of bloo... 282 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,000 Bit of a drawback for a doctor. 283 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,640 Sorry. 284 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,920 How are you feeling? 285 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,480 Hungry. Oh... 286 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,720 You're always hungry. 287 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,280 How's your foot? 288 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:46,760 Well, the first little piggy's still at the market, 289 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:50,280 but I think all the other little piggy's have pissed off. 290 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:53,760 I'm not going to get that trial for Crystal Palace now, am I? 291 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:56,600 I'm sure Millwall would take you. 292 00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:58,600 What happened? 293 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,200 It's a blur. 294 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,120 I was doing my distracting. 295 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:05,680 The guard comes back with his coffee, and, suddenly, I turn around 296 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:08,400 and there's two dozen coppers behind me. 297 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,680 I think I shot myself in the foot. 298 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,880 I'm sure it wasn't your fault. 299 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:16,560 No, I mean, I literally shot myself in the foot. 300 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,920 I didn't realise the safety was off. 301 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,000 I'm such an idiot! 302 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,240 I'm scared, Collie! You'll live. 303 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:25,840 How do you know? 304 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,640 Because I turned over two pages of the script at once. 305 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,840 Ah, thank you. 306 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,320 I'm fine now. 307 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:40,400 Mario, the gems are in here, 308 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,480 but the servant girl has the key in her bumbag. 309 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,840 You'll need to extricate it from her post-haste to facilitate 310 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,320 the substitution. How am I supposed to do that? 311 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:52,960 Well, flirt with her a little. Vanquish her with your virility. 312 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,360 Then see if you can force your fingers into her fanny pack. Eurgh! 313 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:59,480 Quickly! We need this money, Mario. 314 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,080 Tempus fugit! 315 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,240 How is the pat-it-ient? 316 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,600 Sorry? Young Arlokino, he has a very bad injury. 317 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,400 Oh, er, I haven't examined him yet. 318 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,040 To be honest, Captain, I'm a little haemophobic. 319 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,000 Oh, do not worry. I do not think he is a Queen Mary. 320 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,000 Erm, I'm making a sandwich, would you like a-one? 321 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,000 Oh, dear. 322 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,440 ARLO WHIMPERS It's OK, it's OK. 323 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,880 Argh... It's OK. 324 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,440 Did you see the Master and Hortensia? 325 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,800 No. I was inside the van. 326 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,080 I heard him, though. He thinks we were betrayed. 327 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,040 Someone ratted us out. 328 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,000 Does he know who? No. 329 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,080 He said Hortensia had been acting all weird recently. 330 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,800 Very secretive. 331 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:53,080 That's because she doesn't want to marry Scaramouche. 332 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,080 She's planning on running away with... 333 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,480 Hey, babe. 334 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:01,280 Would you have an inhaler? Because you are just taking my breath... 335 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:02,520 Yeah. 336 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,320 I've got one in here. 337 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,920 Just put it back when you're finished. I'll leave the zip open. 338 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,240 Thanks. 339 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:10,880 It's OK. 340 00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:14,960 That was easy. 341 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,320 Baby, what're you doing to my Pops? 342 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,240 I'm trying to make him come to. 343 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,040 You're going about it in a very funny way. 344 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,320 Go find the smelling salts. They're in his bag. 345 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,920 HE SCREAMS 346 00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,440 HE HOWLS 347 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,640 HE HOWLS 348 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,680 What happened? 349 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,840 She's gone - forever. 350 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:55,320 Are you sure? I know when one is dead, and when one lives! Lear. 351 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:56,840 It's true. 352 00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,080 That spineless shit Scaramouche left us right there 353 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,480 in the middle of the fucking feds! 354 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,520 We were like sitting ducks. 355 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,200 Where is he? 356 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,680 I'll slice the nose right off his craven face! 357 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,760 Where is he?! He went to get some smelling salts for my Pops. 358 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,680 Jesus, what a shitshow. 359 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:20,600 Columbina, come here. 360 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,680 You're the only one I trust. 361 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:29,920 You tell me. 362 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,680 Who's the snake here, eh? 363 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:36,600 Eh? Who? 364 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:38,640 Who tipped off the Old Bill? 365 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,040 I dunno, er... 366 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,000 Maybe it was, erm... 367 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,480 SHE CHOKES 368 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:05,920 You're with me now. 369 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,760 Boss, what did you do that for? 370 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,680 She's an undercover copper. 371 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,160 She's wearing a wire. 372 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:16,080 Check it out if you don't believe me. How did you know? 373 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:18,760 Hortensia saw her fiddling with it in the bogs. 374 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:21,240 I should've known she was too good to be true. 375 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,800 No, not...not Collie. I...I don't believe it. 376 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:26,560 Yeah. By my estimates, we have less than five minutes 377 00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,560 before the Filth get here. 378 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,120 Where's that coward? 379 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:32,560 Scaramouche? Scaramouche! 380 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,440 SCARAMOUCHE: 381 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,920 Oh, shit! 382 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,560 See what you've done? To your own intended? 383 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,640 Hydrangea... 384 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:48,080 Oh... 385 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,920 Oh, my Hortensia! 386 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:55,000 I wished to woo you, but now my woo has turned to woe. 387 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,600 I beg that I could a-take your place up in heaven! 388 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,000 That can be arranged. 389 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,920 Baby, why are you talking like this? 390 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:06,000 I thought you had eyes only for me. For you? What you on about? 391 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:09,000 He wrote me a letter. The subplot. Arlokino gave it to me. 392 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:15,240 This is my daughter's hand. 393 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:19,240 No, that is a letter. This is your daughter's hand! 394 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:22,480 She was going to elope with a blockhead like you?! 395 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,400 What are you talking about? I barely knew her. 396 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,400 You two a-timing floozy! Take a-that! 397 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:28,800 It wasn't him! 398 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:34,680 It was me. 399 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,120 Horsey and I have been having an affair for several months. 400 00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:41,760 It was an amour fou. 401 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:44,560 It started on that business trip we took to Italy. 402 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:46,320 Genoa? 403 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:48,000 Yes, since she was a little girl. 404 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,400 We flew back together to the United States. 405 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:54,920 Chicago? No, she was a passenger. 406 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,360 And, when we landed at the airport, I can't remember which one... 407 00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:00,880 Alaska? 408 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:03,200 There's no point now. She's dead. 409 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,720 We hatched this plan to steal the diamonds from you 410 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,640 and run away together to the Caribbean. 411 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:12,560 Trinidad and Tobago? 412 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:14,880 Yes. 413 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,440 But now it seems it was all for nought. 414 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,520 We have been caught in flagrante delicto, 415 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,080 and my beloved is dead. 416 00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,360 Mea culpa, gentle one. 417 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:33,200 Well, maybe we can get back to the A plot now we've had this 418 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,680 little diversion. I need you to hand over that case. 419 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,880 No, Pantalone. 420 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,640 I won't do it. Pops... 421 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,800 These diamonds are all my son and I have. 422 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,560 They will ensure our safe passage out of here. 423 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,600 Quid pro quo, et cetera. 424 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,680 I...I won't waste you here, Doc. 425 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,600 I'll not shit on my own doorstep, but I need you to hand me 426 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:53,600 the fucking ice! It's fine. 427 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,800 Do it. Nil desperandum, Mario. 428 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,400 I can handle the negotiation. 429 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,560 This is not a negotiation. 430 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,680 Stop. 431 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:05,600 You lay a finger on him and I'll carpet the floor with your brains. 432 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:07,840 It's a good thing we're not using your brains. 433 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,880 There'd be barely enough for a fucking doormat. 434 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:11,400 Scaramouche! 435 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,880 Tame this little bitch of yours, will ya? Please. 436 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,000 Your family jewels belong in Senor Pantalone's hands, 437 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,040 not in your Papa's. 438 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:21,880 Let us not come to blows. 439 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:23,960 Oh, Captain, my Captain. 440 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,880 I've dreamed of having your weapon in my face, 441 00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:28,400 but not like this. 442 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,240 Et tu, Scaramouche. 443 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:31,840 Very well. 444 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,280 Aut neca aut necare. 445 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:36,200 Do or die. 446 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,160 Give me the case! 447 00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:40,360 Give it to him, Pops. Are you sure? 448 00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:42,720 Yes, let him have it! 449 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,400 SHOTS FIRE 450 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:52,000 Well, Arlo, this looks like arrivederci. 451 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:54,720 ARLO SOBS 452 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,720 I would take you with me, 453 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,680 but, as you can see, got me hands full. 454 00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:04,440 There's a boat out the back if you want to take your chance 455 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,160 on the river. I've got an appointment with my fence. 456 00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:10,480 Boss, can you do me a favour before you go? 457 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,000 What's that? 458 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:15,160 Can you make me a sandwich? I'm starved! 459 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,120 Yeah, here y'are. 460 00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,760 Help yourself. 461 00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:21,960 Ta-ta! 462 00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:26,400 DOOR CLOSES 463 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:34,360 Come on. Get up, he's gone! 464 00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:36,520 Come on! Collie! 465 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,720 Come on, girl! 466 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:40,480 You read the script. 467 00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,880 Well, none of this has been real, has it? 468 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,680 Argh, argh... 469 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:08,720 After all that, 470 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:11,080 there's nothing left. 471 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,800 Just a hot and spicy whip 472 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:15,920 and a bag of clear mints. 473 00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:30,920 Well, fuck my old boots! 474 00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:35,080 I am going to be able to feed myself after all. 475 00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:43,880 Are you coming, Echo? 476 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,560 I thought you'd never ask!