1
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:19,200
<i>- You filming people having chemo now?
- No, just you.</i>

2
00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:20,360
<i>Oh.</i>

3
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:21,440
<i>All right?</i>

4
00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:23,320
<i>Yeah.</i>

5
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,000
<i>I'm not looking my best, am I?</i>

6
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:29,480
<i>You're fine.</i>

7
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,960
♪ <i>The sun is fading ♪</i>

8
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:39,680
<i>♪ A little more every turn ♪</i>

9
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:46,080
<i>♪ But if we make it ♪</i>

10
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:51,760
<i>♪ I'll be here for you for sure ♪</i>

11
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,320
<i>♪ Oh ♪</i>

12
00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:01,000
<i>♪ Release a little piece of my hoping ♪</i>

13
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:06,440
<i>♪ Away into the wild and free ♪</i>

14
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:13,320
<i>♪ Sometimes I wish that we hadn't gotten ♪</i>

15
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:18,920
<i>♪ So deep ♪</i>

16
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,840
How long...
have you been posting your mail...

17
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,120
in a dog waste bin?

18
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,280
About a year now, I'd say.

19
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,080
Right. I mean, it says "dog waste" on it.

20
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:43,960
Yeah, but my eyes are shot to shit.

21
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:45,560
- Right.
- I'm blind as a bat.

22
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:48,440
These aren't mine. I lost mine.
I found these on a bus.

23
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:49,816
- They're no good.
- Right.

24
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:52,000
Gotta be near the house,
need a piss every ten minutes.

25
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:53,680
I got a prostate like a coconut.

26
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,560
This is the least of my worries,
to be honest with you, with all that.

27
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,120
Anyway, where was I?

28
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:03,320
So... Right, my sister, yeah?
She lives in Australia.

29
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,880
I'm thinking,
"Why's she ignoring me?"

30
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:06,936
- You were writing to her, and she wasn't...
- Yeah.

31
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,880
- But you were putting them in there?
- Well, yeah. I'm not on email, see.

32
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,800
I keep getting threatening letters
from the gas and the electricity.

33
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:15,360
I said, "Hey, I've paid,"
I said, "and I'll prove it to you."

34
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:16,800
So, I sent them another letter.

35
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:19,760
And I put it in here, with all my letters,
in all that shit!

36
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,680
What did you think the smell was?
Wasn't that a clue?

37
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,080
- I thought that was me.
- You thought it was you?

38
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,160
There's a similar smell in the house,
to be honest.

39
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,640
- I've got nobody to be hygienic for.
- No?

40
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,160
Nah. No point, is there?
No one to wash for.

41
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,600
- Yourself, maybe?
- No, no point, is there?

42
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,840
No point to anything, is there, really?
I don't know where they took the letters.

43
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,400
Where do they take dog shit?
They probably bury it, do they?

44
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,520
That's where we're all gonna end up,
though, innit?

45
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:49,400
You know, we're all just future shit,
you know? I've got no self-esteem, I have.

46
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,160
No.

47
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:53,600
That's why I never had a relationship.

48
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:55,360
You've never had a relationship?

49
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:57,800
'Cause I knew that if I did...

50
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,440
that she's going to find somebody,
see, better than me.

51
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:05,600
Better than me, at that.
And then leave me, wouldn't she? Eh?

52
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,400
Right, come on, then. What's your angle
on this? What's it gonna be?

53
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:18,320
I don't think there is an angle.
You've been posting your letters in a...

54
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:23,040
a box of shit for a year.
That is pretty much it.

55
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,480
There's a moral to the story,
though, ain't there? Gotta be.

56
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:28,680
You know, be careful.
Careful now where you post your letters.

57
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:31,640
- Take a picture.
- Yeah.

58
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,456
- Hurry up. I need a piss.
- All right.

59
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:36,816
Get on with it.

60
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,320
- Hang on. Got it?
- Great.

61
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:39,400
All right.

62
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,080
- There he goes.
- Yep.

63
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,576
- That's depressing.
- Yeah.

64
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:49,000
Imagine never having a relationship
in case it ends.

65
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,320
A relationship <i>is </i>life.

66
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:52,800
Exactly.

67
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:56,600
I've had a good life.

68
00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,360
- Well, it's still going!
- No, I know. I know.

69
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,720
Look, he's pissing where he stands.
Like a dog.

70
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,800
That's the best he's felt all day,
that piss.

71
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,400
Right, I'm off to see my dad.

72
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,400
Right. I'm just gonna...

73
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:16,760
- See you later.
- See ya.

74
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,040
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

75
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,360
- You all right?
- Yeah. Um...

76
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,520
Is he OK? He seems a bit...

77
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,880
Yeah. Well, he's been a bit up and down.

78
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,600
Perky this morning, though, eh?

79
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,040
Called Simon a cunt.

80
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:36,880
Did he?

81
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,160
Yeah, I thought you'd like that.

82
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,280
That's my boy!

83
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:45,080
Anyway, I'd better get on.
I've got to...

84
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,120
Um, I'm going to that revue thing tonight,

85
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,360
- if you wanna...
- Oh!

86
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,480
- I'm working, sorry.
- Right. Yeah.

87
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:52,760
Well, it's no big deal.

88
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,240
If you want to chat,
give me a call... or text.

89
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,840
- OK.
- All right.

90
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:00,360
See you later.

91
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:07,880
Do you want to lie down, Dad?

92
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,360
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Come on, then.

93
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,280
- Come on.
- Yeah.

94
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,920
And I know that nothing's...
you know, certain or anything, but...

95
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,560
Jill's gonna come with me
to the revue.

96
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,400
- What revue?
- It's a local theater thing.

97
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:30,280
Oh, yeah?

98
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,480
Plenty of thespussy knocking about, then?

99
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:34,640
No, I don't think so.

100
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,200
It's... more like...

101
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,680
um, local people doing some songs, and...

102
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:42,000
I mean, there's one woman
who does feminist poetry.

103
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,320
Feminists!

104
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:47,280
Lesbians make me laugh, you know.
They use dildos and stuff, don't they?

105
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:48,680
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

106
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:52,440
Sorry, do you like cock or don't you?
You're confusing me here, darling.

107
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,840
Make your fucking mind up.
D'you know what I mean?

108
00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:58,040
Yeah!

109
00:05:58,120 --> 00:05:59,520
- Do you?
- Yeah. No, it's...

110
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,560
er... a good point.

111
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:05,440
I actually had to...
let down that chick at work.

112
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:09,760
She was coming on a bit strong.
I was like... "Nah.

113
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:12,360
Back... Back off, baby."

114
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,440
- Wise.
- Yeah.

115
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,960
- Don't shit on your own doorstep, brother.
- That's what I thought, yeah.

116
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,520
Anyway, she's in the bank
if you need a nosh.

117
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:22,640
OK.

118
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,600
Fancy seeing you here.

119
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,520
- You OK?
- Yeah.

120
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,960
Still covering awful local stories
that no one cares about,

121
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:36,840
upsetting people I like,

122
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,440
trying to keep my job,

123
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,440
and not kill anyone. You?

124
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,120
Ah...

125
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,680
It's nice to hear you moan
about work, and...

126
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:51,720
relationships, just like a normal person.

127
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,360
- Yeah, I suppose this is progress.
- Mm.

128
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,600
I should pay you for these chats.

129
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,440
All that money I waste on the shrink,
this is much better.

130
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,120
Your friendship means more to me
than money.

131
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:12,160
Are you lonely?

132
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:16,440
I only miss one person.

133
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,640
Yep. Me too.

134
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,160
- What?
- Um...

135
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,880
Do you want to go to the revue tonight?

136
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,480
I don't think so.
I don't get out much these days.

137
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,240
It's hardly out. It's less out than this!

138
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,560
And it's still just sitting down
looking at something.

139
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:43,960
It'll be funny.

140
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:46,080
Come on.

141
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,320
OK.

142
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:50,840
- Yeah?
- I'll pop in.

143
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:53,480
Brilliant.

144
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:58,320
I'd very much like to thank you all
for letting me share your day.

145
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,880
Hi. Um... Would you like to go
to the revue thing tonight?

146
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,440
What is it?

147
00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,000
Awful, probably.

148
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,680
But some of us are going down,
and someone I... um...

149
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,920
Just it might be fun.
I thought you might...

150
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:11,760
Uh, sure, yeah. Why not?

151
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,960
Great. It's at the community hall
at 7:30.

152
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:18,080
But we'd get there early enough
for a drink if you want, or just...

153
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,640
Is there a dress code?
Should I wear a suit or...?

154
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,920
No. It's really not a posh do.

155
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,200
What would you wear
to visit a mental home?

156
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,240
But... you know, look nice.

157
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:29,120
- So...
- Look nice?

158
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,280
I mean... groomed, whatever.

159
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,360
Oh.

160
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:33,800
OK.

161
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,600
- Brilliant.
- Well, I'll see you later.

162
00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:37,800
Good.

163
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:53,320
- Look.
- What are you doing?

164
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,600
- Just limbering up.
- This is an office.

165
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,120
- Hiya.
- Hi.

166
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,800
- What you doing?
- Just limbering up.

167
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,120
Come on, you.
Let's get you down that hall.

168
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,840
If your dad could see you now.

169
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,680
What happened? Is he dead?

170
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,960
No, he walked out on us.
James did his head in, didn't ya?

171
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,120
- I was a bit of a handful.
- Mm.

172
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,560
Thought there was something wrong
with him at first.

173
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:22,200
He even had to see the school doctor.

174
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,600
- Thought I was mad.
- Or backward.

175
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:27,440
Yeah, I was terrible at everything
at school.

176
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,440
I was more interested in, like,
entertaining people, you know?

177
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:34,240
- And there wasn't anything wrong with you?
- Oh, no. Not, like, mental or anything.

178
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,320
Overweight and... hyperactive, but...

179
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:37,600
Just really annoying.

180
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,440
Mm. His dad said, "It's either him or me.

181
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,640
One of us has got to go
for this to work."

182
00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:43,760
And you chose him?

183
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,480
Oh, no. I chose his dad at first.
But when we asked James to leave,

184
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,760
he broke down,
threatened to kill himself, didn't ya?

185
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:50,120
Yeah.

186
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:57,680
Found someone better now, anyway.

187
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,600
Right, let's get going.

188
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,400
Yeah. Lots to do. I'm starving as well.

189
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,680
No, don't be eating too much.
You always do that:

190
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,296
get excited, all churned up,
and then you've got to dance around...

191
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,040
If you're getting food, um,
I'll... I'll come with you.

192
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,400
See ya.

193
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:16,600
Wait!

194
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,360
- Good.
- I'd better get off an' all.

195
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,160
To, uh... get ready for tonight.

196
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:27,880
Got a date.

197
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:33,360
So...

198
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,000
- See ya later.
- Bye.

199
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,360
Bye.

200
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:46,600
Looking forward to tonight?

201
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:49,520
It's work, isn't it?

202
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:51,760
Yeah, but...

203
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,040
might be fun.

204
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:55,760
Yeah.

205
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,560
We laugh at James
for living with his mum,

206
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:02,440
but he's ten years younger than me,
I live with my mum.

207
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,600
Everyone's got a date.

208
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:06,680
I haven't.

209
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:09,960
- Sorry.
- No, I mean...

210
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:13,320
you're not the only one.
It's no big deal.

211
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:15,600
There's no rush.

212
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:17,480
Don't wallow. It's...

213
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,200
You get addicted to it.

214
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:23,640
I am, I think.

215
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,480
Grief, I mean.

216
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:30,320
I sort of know where I am with it.
Do you know what I mean? I just...

217
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,960
When summat goes well or I see
a glimpse of hope, I get confused.

218
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:39,360
And then when it all turns to shit,
I go, "Oh, there it is.

219
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,440
Now we can get drunk and wait for death."

220
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:46,840
When you do find a fella,

221
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,720
dance with him when he wants.

222
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,440
I wish I'd danced with Lisa
every time she asked.

223
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,320
It was 'cause I was embarrassed sometimes
or lazy.

224
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,000
Oh, what I'd give for...

225
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,440
just five minutes with her now.

226
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,920
Just holding her. Just moving around.

227
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,160
See?

228
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,400
Back to normal. Both crying again.

229
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,080
- Good work.
- Yeah.

230
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:20,560
You'll be fine.

231
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,400
- Really straight away.
- You gonna go again?

232
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,800
Well, I've hardly had any of this,
but I'd normally...

233
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:30,000
Hiya. My date.

234
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:33,320
Short notice.

235
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,680
Businessman, though.
Got a Rolls Royce, haven't ya?

236
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,480
- Secondhand.
- Still a Rolls Royce. Very successful.

237
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,880
Yeah, I made a lot of money in scrap.

238
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,040
Don't say scrap.

239
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,080
- Let's go and see this.
- Yeah, let's...

240
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:58,040
- Oh! You're my postman.
- Yeah.

241
00:12:58,600 --> 00:12:59,960
- Are you the hoarder?
- Yeah!

242
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,080
- You're a prossie! I know you.
- Sex worker.

243
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,600
Yeah, seen you at the garages.
I couldn't afford that.

244
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,800
- Not in a million years.
- No.

245
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,840
Have to make up my own fun.
I've shoved my cock up my arse.

246
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,720
- So, how does that work?
- Ooh! Now he's interested!

247
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,840
Trade secrets, innit?
Nah, you're a mate.

248
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,000
Basically, I cram it up there flaccid...

249
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,880
and then I wait for it to get hard.

250
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,800
It's the only way it can be done,
if I'm honest.

251
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:27,400
I think a bit too honest.

252
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:01,360
Thank you.

253
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:10,720
Oh...

254
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:11,920
- Hi.
- Hello.

255
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,080
There's one there.

256
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:32,680
<i>Right, settle down, you lot.
We're about to start.</i>

257
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:37,400
<i>Now, please welcome a man
who likes to get around.</i>

258
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,680
<i>You could even say
he's a bit of a wanderer.</i>

259
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:41,600
<i>Here we go!</i>

260
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:46,000
♪ <i>Well, I'm the type of guy
Who will never settle down ♪</i>

261
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:46,960
Hello!

262
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:51,040
<i>♪ Where pretty girls are
You know that I'll be found ♪</i>

263
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,480
<i>♪ I love 'em and I squeeze 'em
'Cause to me they're all the same ♪</i>

264
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:55,720
You are!

265
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,920
<i>♪ I kiss 'em and I hug 'em
I don't even know their name ♪</i>

266
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,720
<i>♪ They call me the wanderer ♪</i>

267
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:02,920
<i>♪ Yeah, the wanderer ♪</i>

268
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:06,240
<i>♪ I go around, around
Around, around, around ♪</i>

269
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,200
Oh! Thank you for that. Right...

270
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:13,400
Lord Mayor's here himself.
Round of applause for t'Lord Mayor.

271
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,440
Oi! When are you gonna sort out them bins?

272
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:20,480
My rubbish is piled high,

273
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,160
and some of it is very, uh, suspicious,
shall we say?

274
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,120
Hey, come on.
I've seen what's in your garbage.

275
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,600
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
or whatever you call yourselves.

276
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,240
Gotta be careful nowadays, haven't you?
Can't say anything. God!

277
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,680
You know who I'm talking about,

278
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,240
she works in the chip shop
and she looks like Tony Soprano.

279
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:38,800
No, good luck to her.

280
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,640
Right, who's ready
for <i>A Night of 1000 Stars?</i>

281
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,040
- Yeah!
- Thousand stars, yeah.

282
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,760
First act, we have got,
uh... Elton John...

283
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,920
- Ooh!
- ...and Kiki Dee!

284
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,160
Not really, it's a mother and son duo.

285
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,120
Er, which is a bit weird when you think
about it, but don't worry.

286
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,360
Anyway, please put your hands together,
go mad, go crazy,

287
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:03,000
it's June and James!

288
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,640
♪ <i>Don't go breaking my heart ♪</i>

289
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:16,040
<i>♪ I couldn't if I tried ♪</i>

290
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:20,400
♪ <i>Oh, honey, if I get restless</i> ♪

291
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,560
<i>♪ Baby, you're not that kind ♪</i>

292
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:27,600
<i>♪ Ooh-ooh ♪</i>

293
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,560
♪ <i>Nobody knows it ♪</i>

294
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,440
<i>- ♪ Right from the start ♪
- ♪ I gave you my heart ♪</i>

295
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,360
♪ <i>Ooooh-oh... ♪</i>

296
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,800
<i>♪ I gave you my heart ♪</i>

297
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,120
<i>Well, wasn't that fabulous?</i>

298
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,480
<i>OK, ladies and gentlemen.</i>

299
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,880
<i>Now, some of you might've been wondering
what that awful smell was.</i>

300
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,800
No, that smell is not the drains,
it's not the bins,

301
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,160
it is our next act! Uh...

302
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,680
Bless him,
he has got a serious hygiene problem.

303
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,000
Now, he's doing a bit of stand-up comedy.

304
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,320
Ooh!

305
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:08,120
Which, as we all know, is very hard,
and he is not very good at it!

306
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,440
So, fingers crossed for him, all right?

307
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,800
Please welcome... Brian Gittins!

308
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,280
I'm not as professional
as I'd like to be.

309
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,800
If I ever were to make it big,

310
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:32,200
there are a few things that might come out
in the tabloids about me

311
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:33,760
that I feel like I need to...

312
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:36,880
nip in the bud immediately.

313
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,400
I've given one blow job.

314
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,360
- That's a... He's a hairdresser.
- One blowie.

315
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,480
The assistant manager
of Tambury Football Club.

316
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,080
- Yeah, Mark Dobson.
- What?

317
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,560
I promise you,
that is never going to happen again.

318
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,560
OK? I was at my lowest ebb.

319
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,400
My wife had just left me
for Mickey the Gypsy.

320
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,120
Do you know Mickey the Gypsy?
No? Good.

321
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,200
Stay away from him.

322
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,960
'Cause he'll smash your face in
as quick as look at ya!

323
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,000
Yeah. OK? Yeah.

324
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,720
Right, who wants some jokes?

325
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,920
- Yeah, please.
- Just remember there are children here.

326
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,960
Hello, son. What's your name?

327
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:28,440
- George.
- George?

328
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,280
Huh, nice name, George.

329
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,160
- How old are you?
- Nine.

330
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,880
I've got a little joke for you, lad.
What's worse than ants in your pants?

331
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,120
I don't know.

332
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:38,680
Michael Jackson.

333
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:43,320
Wouldn't want him rummaging round
in your underwear, would you?

334
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,280
Knock knock.

335
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:46,360
Who's there?

336
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:47,600
My ex-wife.

337
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:49,680
Go fuck yourself,

338
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,880
you dirty, manky whore.

339
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,680
Yeah. I'll leave it there.

340
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,600
I'm not really in the right headspace
or the...

341
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,840
Well, thanks for listening. And the, uh...

342
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,160
Bloody hell, what was that?

343
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:13,880
Oh, my God, absolutely disgusting.
Blow jobs in front of the mayor.

344
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,600
Absolutely vile.

345
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:18,480
Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor.

346
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,640
Get them bins sorted!

347
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,040
Hey? There we go. Now we're back.

348
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:25,000
All right.

349
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,000
You're not going to be there
while I'm on.

350
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,000
- Yeah.
- Now, let's have a little bit of poetry.

351
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,600
- Who loves poetry?
- Yeah!

352
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:34,040
- No, you're fucking not.
- Please welcome the wonderful Rebecca!

353
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:37,640
I'm Rebecca.

354
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,640
I will be performing some
of my poetry for you tonight.

355
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:42,240
Enjoy.

356
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:45,200
- I feel sick.
- Come on, you'll be all right.

357
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:46,640
God is a woman

358
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,120
Her kingdom is life

359
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:53,800
She is nature, nurture, warrior, wife

360
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,440
She grew you inside her

361
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,800
Alone, selfless

362
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,360
She gave her body so you could live

363
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,760
Almighty creator

364
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,240
Instigator of every single soul

365
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:11,480
In a single cell waiting

366
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,120
For her Big Bang

367
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,240
Oh!

368
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:17,880
You dumpy little cunt!

369
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,440
- Did you just fart?
- Don't talk to him like that.

370
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,520
I've told him never to hold it in
if he needs to pump, it's bad for him.

371
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:24,960
- He just farted!
- Rude.

372
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,360
He just... I told you
not to stand there! Oh, my God!

373
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,120
- Oh, it fucking stinks up here!
- She's coming off.

374
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,760
Get out there, you have to take over.

375
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,680
- Come on, do your dance.
- Go on, James.

376
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,480
Give us a show!

377
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,520
Oh... I think he's followed through!

378
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,360
Oh, fuckin' hell!

379
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:34,560
Hi.

380
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:35,960
How's it going?

381
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:38,320
Tony...

382
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,360
I'm sorry, your dad's passed away.

383
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:45,960
OK.

384
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:48,520
Um...

385
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:51,520
Uh, I'll come over.

386
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:53,480
OK.

387
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:55,360
OK, bye.

388
00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:17,520
- Hey.
- Hi.

389
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,240
I'm so sorry.

390
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,360
- Was it just in his sleep?
- Yeah, he just...

391
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,120
just stopped breathing.

392
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:32,760
Um... I won't call Matt tonight,
I'll tell him tomorrow, and I'll, uh...

393
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,920
- Will you do all the...?
- Oh, yeah. We'll take care of all that.

394
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,560
- I just need his birth certificate and...
- OK.

395
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,120
...a couple of other bits and pieces.

396
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:44,440
He was a good man.

397
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:47,480
He was...

398
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,520
- He was kind, weren't he?
- Yeah.

399
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:53,640
And gentle, he, um...

400
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,560
He never hit me, he never smacked me...

401
00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:58,320
as a kid,

402
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,160
however... naughty I was.

403
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:03,960
Mum would go,
"Wait till your dad gets home."

404
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:05,560
And he'd come in,

405
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,400
all smiles, and he'd go, "Hello, boy!"

406
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,680
And she'd go, "He's been bad."

407
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:12,640
And he'd go, "Oh...

408
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,600
I'm disappointed in you, son."

409
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:17,560
Oh, that would kill me.

410
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,440
Other kids would say
their dad had belted them.

411
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:24,200
And I'd think, "That's nothing
to him saying he was disappointed."

412
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:25,400
I never wanted to...

413
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:28,120
disappoint him.

414
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:30,480
I never upset him

415
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,240
- when I was sitting here grumpy, did I?
- No! God.

416
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,240
He loved you being here.

417
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:39,200
It's just I had a lot on my mind.
I still have. I...

418
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,080
I'd hate to think
that I was upsetting him or...

419
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:47,200
Do you know, there are some people here
that get a visit maybe... once a week.

420
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:53,440
I don't think I've ever known a son
visit his dad every day without fail.

421
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,960
Even when he was in pain himself.

422
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,560
I thought you thought I didn't care,
but I did. I always did.

423
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,520
I never thought that.

424
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:12,320
Just gave you a bit of a hard time
now and again.

425
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,320
I probably deserved it.

426
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:17,080
You never did.

427
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:24,520
Just... I had to get your attention
somehow, though, didn't I?

428
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:25,920
And it worked.

429
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,920
Well... a bit.

430
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:30,880
No, it didn't.

431
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,480
You already had my attention.

432
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:38,000
From the first second...
I set eyes on you.

433
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:42,360
But, you know...

434
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:47,280
Yeah.

435
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:51,280
Um... Do...

436
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,720
Do you want to maybe just sit with him
for a wee while?

437
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:55,800
Yeah.

438
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,000
No, and you.

439
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:31,280
For me?

440
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:35,640
Thank you.

441
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:37,400
You're such a good girl!

442
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:50,520
<i>What, you're just gonna play cards
and get drunk all night?</i>

443
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:54,240
<i>- Yep.
- Well, what am I supposed to do?</i>

444
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,176
<i>- You know what you're supposed to do...
- What?</i>

445
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,280
<i>Go out
and make us all a cheese sandwich</i>

446
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:00,920
<i>- with some crisps.
- Oh, right. Careful.</i>

447
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,136
- <i>Very funny!
- What d'you think, Brandy?</i>

448
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,680
<i>Shall I throw away the five...
or the three? What do you think?</i>

449
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:10,480
<i>- Oh, look!
- Yeah, I'll throw away the three.</i>

450
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,120
<i>- She loves it there, look.
- There we go, yeah. All right.</i>

451
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,320
<i>- What do you think?
- Look, she's bored!</i>

452
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:16,760
<i>She's as bored as me!</i>

453
00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:19,960
<i>She loves you, Ray.</i>

454
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,360
<i>Aww!</i>

455
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:29,720
<i>♪ In every heart ♪</i>

456
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,480
♪ <i>There is a room ♪</i>

457
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:38,240
<i>♪ A sanctuary safe and strong ♪</i>

458
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:42,240
<i>♪ To heal the wounds ♪</i>

459
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,840
<i>♪ From lovers past ♪</i>

460
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:51,280
<i>♪ Until a new one comes along ♪</i>

461
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:58,760
<i>♪ I spoke to you in cautious tones ♪</i>

462
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:03,840
<i>♪ You answered me with no pretense ♪</i>

463
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:10,280
<i>♪ And still I feel I said too much ♪</i>

464
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:16,320
<i>♪ My silence is my self-defense ♪</i>

465
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:19,480
<i>♪ And so it goes ♪</i>

466
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:23,680
<i>♪ And you're the only one ♪</i>

467
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,440
♪ <i>Who knows ♪</i>