1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:01,720 --> 00:00:05,719 ♪ I'm not sick, but I'm not well 2 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:08,759 ♪ And I'm so hot 3 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:12,759 ♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪ 4 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:14,660 Sub by Adriano_CSI www. MY-SUBS.com 5 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,319 Hello. Happy Christmas. 6 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:22,799 Can I come in yet, Mark? 7 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,439 Yes, you can come in yet. 8 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:28,279 There, um...there wasn't anything at the end of my bed when I woke up. 9 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:29,239 It's in here. 10 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:31,839 Oh, brilliant. And you saw? 11 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:34,879 Yes, yes, you woke me at 5.30 when you came in. 12 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:37,119 I've been trying to get to sleep since 6.00 13 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,159 by reading about Wilson's trade union reforms, but... 14 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:41,839 Marr is so damn readable. 15 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:44,479 Shit. Sorry, dude. Ooh! 16 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:47,519 Slim but promising, Mark! Slim but promising! 17 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,079 Jez, what are you...? 18 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,839 We're going to open them in bed, aren't we? 19 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:51,879 What if our feet touch? 20 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,639 What if our feet touch? If our feet touch, we fuck, obviously. 21 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,919 Come on! Dive in! Let the festivities begin! 22 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,839 Wow! Jez, this is lovely. 23 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,199 Cognac. Wow. That's my favourite. 24 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,479 I know. Ooh, smells interesting! 25 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,399 It looks like fire-lighters, but what is it? 26 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:10,799 Fire-lighters. 27 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:13,079 In case we get a barbecue? 28 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:14,919 Outside, on the...bit. 29 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,479 Oh... 30 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:19,959 Right. 31 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,359 Roy Adkins on Trafalgar? 32 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:22,519 I heard you talking about it! 33 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:26,239 That's just tremendously thoughtful, Jeremy. 34 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,399 What are these? 35 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,159 Kitchen tongs. We need them. 36 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:33,159 You bought yourself some kitchen tongs? 37 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:37,519 Oh, and yes, I remember you getting this ScotRail sleeping mask 38 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,559 when you went on ScotRail overnight to Aberdeen. 39 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,559 Yeah. Yeah. That's right. 40 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:49,919 You know, in my family we do sort of jokey stockings. 41 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:54,679 Right. In mine we sort of try quite hard. 42 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,519 'He's trying to strangle my Christmas with Sellotape.' 43 00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:58,639 I might save the rest. 44 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,319 'It's not fair. That's just aggressive generosity 45 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,719 'designed to make me feel bad.' 46 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,319 Sorry, it's just this is my first Christmas without Mum... 47 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:09,039 Cos she's sailing round the Med with Mr Potato Head. Yes, I know, Jez. 48 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:12,599 Oh, wow, so you got it in, in the end? 49 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:13,799 It's quite a specimen. 50 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,159 Mmm-hmm. Quite a specimen. 51 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,639 I thought about trimming the top off but it felt like I was 52 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,719 castrating Christmas, you know? Chopping Santa's bollocks off. 53 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:21,519 Sure. 54 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,079 You're not going to cry, are you? 55 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:28,079 I'm fine, it's just even though I'm looking at the tree, 56 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,599 I'm just not... I'm not getting it yet. 57 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:31,719 Horny? 58 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:32,799 Horny? Christmassy, Mark. 59 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,919 I'm not getting the Christmassy feeling. 60 00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:38,919 Let's crank up Classic FM. Let's get our Christmas on! 61 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,999 Now, Sarah, if I scrape together the shortbread from Aberdeen '09 62 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,599 and this unread SuperFreakonomics 63 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,119 we can pretend I thought she'd like, even though I'm pretty sure 64 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,639 she'll hate it, then that's an acceptable bundle, isn't it? 65 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,079 Nice to have your family here for Christmas. 66 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,519 Well, not really. But the point is, I'm in charge! 67 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,679 I've launched the Christmas putsch. 68 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,239 I carve the turkey, I decide what veg we have. No cauliflower. 69 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,319 No-one else has it, it's not a tradition. 70 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,599 Christmas is coming home! Ding Dong Merrily on Mark! 71 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:11,599 Exactly. Right, we need to get the oven on for lunch at one. 72 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:13,959 Yeah, right! Lunch is at three. 73 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,399 You do presents first and then... 74 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:16,639 No, Jez. Presents after. 75 00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:19,759 Then charades. Then the lull, the Low Countries, then the row, 76 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:23,079 the cold cuts, then, bang! Into a blockbuster to see you home! 77 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,559 But that's not my Christmas, because... 78 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:26,319 Well, that's what we're doing. 79 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,039 'Don't let him spoil it. Don't let him rile me. 80 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,039 'Not today. Not on Christmas!' 81 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,599 Where's the turkey, Jeremy? 82 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,439 What?The turkey. Where's the turkey? 83 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:36,759 I thought you were getting the turkey. 84 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,959 You what? 85 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,079 No turkey?! You fucking idiot, Jeremy! 86 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,079 You total fucking idiot! 87 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:46,079 That was your job, you fucking moron! You cretin! 88 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,839 You're a fuckhead! That's what you are! A fucking shithead! 89 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,719 It was a joke, Mark. 90 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,159 I was joking. 91 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,839 It was a Christmas joke. 92 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,799 Oh, I see. Oh. 93 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:03,679 Of course I've got a turkey. It's an organic turkey. 94 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:07,679 I took ages researching it online. It's going to be delicious. 95 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,239 That looks like a lovely turkey. 96 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,959 I'm sorry. I... flew off the handle a bit. 97 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:15,799 That wasn't very Christmassy. 98 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,799 No, it wasn't. I apologise. 99 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:25,599 'Wow, she's really sweaty. A lovely, sweaty Christmas gift.' 100 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,879 I shouldn't hang around too long. I've got to get ready 101 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:31,319 for a day out with the folks. Stomach pump for Mum. 102 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,839 Taser to demobilise Dad. Families! 103 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:37,519 God, yeah! The year Dad's British Aerospace shares went kaput, 104 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,679 he said we couldn't afford an MandS Christmas pudding, 105 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:43,359 but Mum bought a secret one and steamed it in the garage. 106 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,879 We would've got away with it, but he smelt it on Sarah's breath 107 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,559 and wouldn't talk to us till Boxing Day. 108 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,519 God. Dads! 109 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:54,319 Huh! Yeah. Right. 110 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:55,439 So... Happy Christmas! 111 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:56,679 Oh, wow... 112 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,839 Thanks. 113 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,959 Happy Christmas. 114 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,959 It's just a little thing. I did get you another thing 115 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,279 but the stupid thing didn't arrive in time. 116 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:08,399 Oh. Right. 117 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,759 It is gold. 118 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,119 Oh! Well, that sounds nice. 119 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,239 Can't go wrong with precious metals, 120 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,159 cos when civilisation collapses, I can use it to barter 121 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:18,879 my way out of sexual assaults! 122 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,719 Ha! Exactly! 123 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,959 'Probably take the gold, then shoot her.' 124 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,439 Oh, right, yeah. 125 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,159 FlashForward box set. 126 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,719 It's meant to be amazing. Shall we do it this week? 127 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:34,079 Sure, it's just... 128 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:38,079 we watched all the Losts and they were... somewhat OK. 129 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,639 And Heroes had some interesting themes, 130 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:44,119 but also quite a lot of not so interesting themes. 131 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:48,119 And Prison Break - by the end I very much felt I wanted to break 132 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,639 out of the prison that Prison Break had become for us... 133 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:56,639 and it's just... don't you think, maybe we should...go out? 134 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:58,399 Where to? 135 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,239 To...not the theatre, obviously. 136 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:03,559 But...the National Army Museum? 137 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,639 You'd rather go to the National Army Museum than stay in bed 138 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:09,839 and watch FlashForward and drink brandy? Are you bonkers? 139 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:12,559 Dobby, where do you see yourself in five years? 140 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:16,559 I mean, for example, would you want to learn sailing at all? Or golf? 141 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:21,199 I wouldn't mind getting a strap-on and you and me spit-roasting 142 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:22,879 Cameron for the Boden catalogue. 143 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,079 Is that the sort of thing you have in mind? 144 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,199 She is great. But where does it end? 145 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,679 PHONE RINGS 146 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,639 With us sailing the Caribbean, checking our pension pot online? 147 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,439 Or much more likely, trying to scrape a living on pub quiz machines 148 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,079 from our vast knowledge of popular culture and bar snacks? 149 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,879 Oh, man! 150 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:39,319 What? 151 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,319 My sister's car's broken down. 152 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,879 She got to my Mum and Dad in Lancaster but they're stuck at Charnock Richard. 153 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:45,839 Oh, shit. 154 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,639 I'm not going to the Dorchester to eat Christmas lunch on my own 155 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,039 like a millionaire madwoman. 156 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:50,719 Hmm. 157 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,719 'Should invite her to stay here... 158 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,639 'And I've missed the moment. 159 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,279 'Right there. Missed it.' 160 00:06:57,280 --> 00:07:00,599 'I'm already going to have a nervous breakdown with my family 161 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,159 'and "Tiny Tim" Jeremy and the turkey. 162 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,159 'Why add a dangerous unstable chemical into the mix? 163 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:06,399 Kitchen tongs? 164 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,399 Oh, yeah! Two for one. 165 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,039 Right, well... 166 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,359 Listen, I guess I should saddle up and ride back to my place. 167 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,599 'If I can just get through the next seconds ignoring 168 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,239 'the mounting social pressure.' 169 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,199 I'll see if Mr Patel has any turkeys, 170 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,559 which obviously, he definitely won't. 171 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,919 'Pressure...building... to intolerable levels!' 172 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:24,959 Dobby. 173 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:25,559 Yeah? 174 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:27,719 I assume you're staying for lunch? 175 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,079 Right...you didn't say. 176 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:32,079 Because I thought it was assumed. 177 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,799 All right, well, thanks. 178 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:35,879 I'll just jump in the shower. 179 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:36,799 Jump away! 180 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,599 'Could lock her in the bathroom... 181 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,279 'Shit, no lock on the outside.' 182 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,999 You are putting the little crosses in the bottoms, aren't you, Jeremy? 183 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,039 Yeah, course. 184 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,759 'Don't think I'll be bothering with that! Happy Christmas to me.' 185 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,999 Now, obviously this is a fucking disaster, 186 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,079 but Dobby's staying. For Christmas. 187 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:52,599 Right. Lovely. The more the merrier. 188 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,599 Exactly. The more the merrier, as they said 189 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,599 as another poor soul was crammed into the Black Hole of Calcutta. 190 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,079 Jeremy, where are the potatoes? 191 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,679 No idea, dude. Not my area. 192 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:03,999 But you were on turkey and veg. 193 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,119 Potatoes aren't veg. 194 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:06,239 Er...yes, they are. 195 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:10,239 N... Are they? I mean, they kind of are, but not really. 196 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:11,479 Well, what else are they? 197 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:12,919 Are you sure potatoes are veg? 198 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:16,399 Aren't they...not earth, but... like salt? 199 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:20,399 I mean, tomatoes are fruit and potatoes are...bread? No. 200 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:22,719 I mean, they're wheaty. 201 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,759 They don't go in the drawer in the fridge, so...yeah? 202 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,999 Jeremy, obviously, potatoes are vegetables. 203 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,519 Well, now you're going on about it, maybe you're right, 204 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:33,079 but they're not exactly cabbage, are they? I mean, they're brown. They're nice. 205 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,119 Oh, for fuck's sake! 206 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,719 Oh, for fuck's sake! Look, there must be potatoes. There's always potatoes. 207 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,519 Yes. We do have potatoes. Two potatoes. 208 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,159 Two? Oh, that's not enough. 209 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,119 I love potatoes. They're the best bit! 210 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:47,159 Everything's the best bit according to you - croissants, cava, 211 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:50,839 smoked salmon, pineapple rings, having the heating on incredibly high. 212 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,639 Everything all right? 213 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,559 Yes, everything's absolutely perfect, 214 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,679 apart from the fact that Jeremy has forgotten to buy any potatoes. 215 00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:58,839 Well, I've got potatoes at mine. 216 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,919 Plus, really, for your mum and dad, I should get changed. 217 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,439 Oh, no need. 218 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:06,439 Yes. A nice, standard issue British woman's dress. 219 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,239 Welcome back. You look great. 220 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:11,479 Thanks. 221 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,559 Jeans. For Christmas. 222 00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:16,519 At least it's not hot pants and her ironic iPood T-shirt. 223 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,839 That's mad, Mum! Christmas in Malta? 30 degrees! > 224 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,359 What do you mean, you're not having turkey? 225 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,959 Well, you could make it on the boat if you... 226 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,599 Oh, OK. Yeah. 227 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:31,599 All right. Bye. Happy Christmas! 228 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,599 They're having salade nicoise for Christmas. 229 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,719 Salade nicoise. That's not turkey. 230 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,399 It's not even chicken. 231 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,199 I'm going to have a massive drink. 232 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,759 'Don't break down on Christmas! Break down on Boxing Day, 233 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,239 'once the washing-up's done.' 234 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:47,359 I'm excited to meet your parents, Mark. 235 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,919 After everything you've told me, it's like they're famous. 236 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:53,479 It's like I'm gonna meet the head of IBM and... Catwoman or something. 237 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,359 Uh-huh. 238 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:59,239 'Incredibly wasteful peeling technique, but now is not the time.' 239 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:03,239 So, listen, Dobby. There's something I wanted to tell you. 240 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,639 I haven't actually happened to mention to my parents 241 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,879 or my sister that I'm engaged... 242 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,039 in a relationship. 243 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,439 But it's been, like, over a month. 244 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:16,159 Yeah, but it's not like I tell them every tiny detail of my life. 245 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:20,159 And I was just wondering whether today, with all the madness... 246 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:20,879 What madness? 247 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,839 Everything. The carrots. 248 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:23,799 Uh-huh. 249 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,359 ..I just wonder whether we shouldn't... 250 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:30,359 Wouldn't it be simpler just to not tell them that we're going out? 251 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,599 Right... 252 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,119 I mean, we're still early days... 253 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:34,679 Uh-huh. 254 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:35,879 Not like that, 255 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:39,879 but it's been such a headache getting them here in the first place 256 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,599 and I don't want to feed them another shit sandwich. 257 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,319 Anothershitsandwich? 258 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,119 Not you! The whole...situation. 259 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,719 So I'm going to be your female friend? Your fan? 260 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,479 Oh, God, what am I going to do next? Set fire to the tree? 261 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,879 Maybe we should have salade nicoise. 262 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,239 Why the fuck not? Who even cares? 263 00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,559 DOORBELL RINGS 264 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:03,559 OK. Enemy contact. This is it. Action stations, everyone. 265 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:06,759 Happy Christmas, one and all! 266 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:07,479 Hello! 267 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,639 Happy Christmas, Mark. I'm shattered. Can I have a glass of champagne? 268 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,399 Happy Christmas, Mark. I'm shattered. Can I have a glass of champagne? Of course. Cava's through there. 269 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:13,239 Cava? Oh. > 270 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:16,679 'Great. Five seconds before the first disappointment. Got that in early.' 271 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:17,839 Happy Christmas, darling. 272 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,919 Happy Christmas, Mark. Yup. 273 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,519 And you know Jeremy, obviously. 274 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,319 Happy Christmas, Corrigans!Ah! 275 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,039 And this is our...friend. 276 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:27,759 Hello. 277 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:28,719 I'm Dobby. 278 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,919 We...know each other. 279 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:32,199 As you do. 280 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,719 'It's fine. Luckily we're all English, 281 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,599 'so no-one's going to ask any questions. 282 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,999 'Thank you, centuries of emotional repression.' 283 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,079 Hello, Jeremy. 284 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,399 Hello, Sarah. Happy Christmas. 285 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:42,839 It could be. 286 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,759 If you play your cards right. 287 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,999 Urgh. Not Sarah...not again. 288 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,599 'Ding Dong Merrily on my dong, the Christmas elves are weeping.' 289 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:54,199 Long time no see, Mrs C. How are you doing? What have you been up to? 290 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,439 Oh, I just finished another play. 291 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,599 Oh, wow. Another one, Mum? 292 00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,119 Yes. Another one. 293 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,679 Wow. You're a playwright? Brilliant. What's it about? 294 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,679 It's about this group of young people who are very sexually repressed, 295 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,399 but they become less and less repressed due to the influence > 296 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,759 of this wise, twinkly old Jamaican woman, 297 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:18,519 who leads them through a series of experiences. 298 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:22,199 You've got to have a Jamaican if you're going to chase the funding. 299 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:25,999 (COCKNEY ACCENT) Elf and safety, innit? 300 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,919 Shall we...shall we pull a cracker? 301 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,399 We can't do the crackers until we sit at the table! 302 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,439 Crackers once you sit, that's the rule! 303 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,079 OK. Sorry. OK, Jeremy. 304 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:37,399 I'm fine, it's just... I'm trying to feel Christmassy and... 305 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,599 Oh, for fudge's sake! 306 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,839 It's OK, Dad, the carpet's seen worse. 307 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,839 You Jezzed the Cava just like you Jezzed the directions, Dad! 308 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,039 Erm, Jezzed? 309 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,119 We got it from Mark, didn't we, Mark? 310 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:53,319 Oh, right. So... it's when you...? 311 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:54,959 When you get something wrong. He Jezzed it. 312 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,079 Total balls-up, a real Jezzing! 313 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,799 Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny. 314 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,479 It's a bit like being famous. 315 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:03,479 DOORBELL RINGS 316 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,079 I'll see who that is. Let's hope I don't Jezz it 317 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,479 or do a big Mark in my pants. 318 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,239 Happy Christmas, motherfucker. 319 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:12,079 Hans! 320 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:15,239 Hans! Have a guess what Santa's got in his sack. 321 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:19,239 Answer - a wicked big bag of sinister minister. 322 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,839 Oh... Happy Christmas. 323 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:22,479 Hans? 324 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:23,519 Hans? Merry Christmas, Mark. 325 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:24,239 Hans? Merry Christmas, Mark. Jeremy... 326 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,279 I'm not going to. 327 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:26,359 Well, don't. 328 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,999 Super Hans! Merry Christmas! Glass of Cava? 329 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,079 Don't mind if I do. Mind out, boys, 330 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,079 Father Spliffmas coming through. 331 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,279 'Great. Methadone in the mulled wine.' 332 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,199 What? 333 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:36,999 It's your fault. 334 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,919 It's not my fault, I was holding the line. 335 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,279 Yes, but you know him. You shouldn't know him. 336 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,759 Well, I'm sorry but I do know him. 337 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,759 'Oh. Merry migraine and a happy new stomach ulcer.' 338 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:52,599 So, what sort of line of business are you in, Super Hans? 339 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:57,779 At the moment, I take out fireplaces and so on from empty houses. 340 00:13:57,860 --> 00:13:59,539 Architectural salvage. 341 00:13:59,540 --> 00:14:00,579 Yeah. 342 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,399 And do you sell to trade or wholesale? 343 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,079 I sell them in pubs and that. 344 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,279 He's training to be an architect. 345 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,399 No, I'm not. 346 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,559 And what do you do, Dobby? 347 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,999 IT grunt. 348 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,599 And do you have a boyfriend at all? 349 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,239 Kind of. 350 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,879 I like him but sometimes he can be a bit of a jerk and so on. 351 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:21,119 Oh. 352 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:22,879 He seems cool, but really, 353 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,399 he can be kind of cowardly and mean and do things 354 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,239 and do things that humiliate me and then I think, 355 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:29,839 "Why don't you just..." 356 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:30,599 Don't say, "Fuck off." 357 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,359 "..Fuck off." You know? 358 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,279 "Just fuck off." 359 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,079 'Oh, this is horrible. 360 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:39,199 'She's found a way of telling me her true feelings. Sneaky.' 361 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:43,199 Happy Christmas, darling. Here we go. It's just a silly one. 362 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:47,679 Oh, socks! Nice. Thanks, Mum. 363 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:49,719 And they've got a funny... 364 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,559 Oh. OK. 365 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:53,599 They're a bit saucy! 366 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:55,359 'My mother is giving me socks depicting 367 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,959 'a sexual position I have never even attempted. 368 00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:58,279 'How little she knows me. 369 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,359 Oi, Mrs C, answer me this... 370 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,839 Have you ever had a parrot? 371 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,279 Er, no. 372 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,839 It's just you look like you might enjoy a cock-a-too. 373 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,679 Oh! That's very cheeky, Hans. 374 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,639 'This is the spirit of Christmas. 375 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,759 'Super Hans bonking Mum doggy style in the airing cupboard.' 376 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:20,759 Here you go, Marko. Merry Christmas. 377 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:26,159 Wow. This is big, Dad, and heavy. 378 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,919 Oh, right, I...I see. Yeah. Great. 379 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,959 Yeah, this is...this is brilliant. 380 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,359 What is it? > 381 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,719 It's...it's a shredder. 382 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,279 It's my dad's old shredder. 383 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,039 But you've already got a shredder. 384 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,079 Why are you looking at me like that? 385 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:46,439 Like what? 386 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,159 Like you're trying to fry my brain with your laser vision. 387 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,079 'Please shut up.'So...wow. 388 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,959 Sarah got the cashmere jumper and the spa break 389 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,319 and Mark got the second-hand shredder. 390 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:57,399 What did he do wrong? 391 00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,239 'Why did she have to say? I'm going out with a "sayer".' 392 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:03,679 'The sayers say they can't help saying, but they can!' 393 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,679 Apparently, if it was new, 394 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,959 which it nearly is, it would be roughly the same cash value. 395 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,839 'This is nice. I might bite my tongue off to relieve the tension. 396 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,239 'Give us something to talk about. 397 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:16,679 How's the cauliflower doing? 398 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,319 It's just resting in the shop, Dad, 399 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,599 due to the fact that cauliflower is not traditional. 400 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,519 'Didn't give him a chance to respond. Nice. 401 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:28,879 'I should try leaving the room after I say anything to him - much easier. 402 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:29,639 So, Jez, how's the...? 403 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,439 I don't want to talk about it, OK, Mark? 404 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,039 Christmas is not ruined. 405 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:34,479 It's OK, Jez. 406 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,599 A great deal of it is cooked. 407 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,719 Huge areas are cooked through. 408 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,199 'Fashionably rare?' 409 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,559 Film. Three words. 410 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:47,279 Chariots Of Fire. Next. Why always Chariots Of Fire, Mum? 411 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:51,279 It's the only one I could think of. I don't even like it. I know. 412 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,279 (WHISPERS) Emmanuelle. 413 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,119 Mum, really? 414 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:55,799 It's fun! 415 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,919 'Oh, God! This is horrible. And the terrible thing is 416 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:00,639 'this is the high point of the day. 417 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,239 'This is us allegedly having a great time.' 418 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:06,199 Film. One word. 419 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,599 Bruno. 420 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:08,879 Milk. 421 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:12,519 Brokeback Mountain. 422 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,079 Emmanuelle. 423 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,919 'Oh, the indignity of the public hip thrust.' 424 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,919 Jez, over here. I've got one for you. 425 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:23,919 Here's one... (WHISPERS) Thus Spake Zarathustra. 426 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:25,879 Excuse me? 427 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,279 It's a book by Nietzsche. 428 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,599 'Oh, great. Fucking thanks, Dan(!)' 429 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:34,599 'Thus? No. Spake? No. Zarathustra? Nope.' 430 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:38,759 Chicken Run.Correct. 431 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,159 But...'Fuck you, Dan.' 432 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:44,159 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said Chicken Run. 433 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:50,079 SHREDDER WHIRRS 434 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,119 I guess it is time to move to cross-cut. 435 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:56,399 My old strip-cut was probably a security risk, to be honest. 436 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,359 That's a real shredder, not a nancy-boy shredder. 437 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,799 'The office equipment homophobe...' 438 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,719 Happy Christmas, one and all! 439 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,559 Oh! 440 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,679 'Not so fast, old man. It's my time to carve. 441 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,439 'The knife has been passed down the generations.' 442 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:14,439 Er, Jeremy, the, um... 443 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,519 the turkey's not... entirely...cooked. 444 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,839 No. Carve off the bits that are cooked and leave the rest. 445 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,759 That's what carving's for. 446 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,919 Then we will put the carcass under the grill. 447 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:27,479 Ooh, what's wrong with my knife? 448 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,879 Is that hot knives? 449 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,039 What's a hot knife?Nothing. 450 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,799 Looks like it's been hot-knifed. 451 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,839 Sorry about that. There you go. 452 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:38,599 You get a blim of hash and get it between two really hot knives 453 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:41,119 and then honk it up through a bottle or something. 454 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,559 I think. 455 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:44,639 Ha-ha. 456 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:48,639 Next up, we'll be learning how to inject heroin into our armpits! 457 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:53,839 'Oh, God. Foot in the crotch. This isn't very Nat King Cole. 458 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,839 'But I'm getting a hard-on anyway, like the horny Christmas elf I am. 459 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:00,159 'How pathetic.' 460 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:03,959 It's nice. I think Pam and I'll take a break till after lunch, Hans. 461 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:04,279 Isn't that right, darling? 462 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:08,279 Isn't that right, darling? If you say so. 463 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:11,639 Have these sprouts been done properly?Yes. 464 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,119 I can't see any little crosses in their bottoms. 465 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,759 They're definitely there.Yep. 466 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:20,599 'Definitely not. Truth and reconciliation commission after this. 467 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,079 'Full inquiry. Saville, not Hutton.' 468 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,359 Well, that piece was definitely cooked. Delicious, Jeremy. 469 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,519 Thank you, Pam. 470 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,639 'Maybe it's going to be OK.' 471 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,119 Mmm! Mmm! 472 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,999 This gravy is tickety-boo. 473 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,639 Maybe a bit too thick for your mother. 474 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,399 She likes her liquids highly diluted. 475 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,239 'Nope. We're fucked.' 476 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,279 Oh, for God's sake, Dad.What? 477 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:45,879 Mum wanted to become a homeopath, 478 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,679 but according to Dad, the family couldn't afford it. 479 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,599 I know it's not normal, but we could put the TV on while we eat... 480 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:55,599 We couldn't afford for her to become a magic water wizard, I'm sorry. 481 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,639 It was just a fad. 482 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,039 It was a great deal more than a fad. 483 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:05,039 Mm! Yum! Jeremy may have let us down a bit with the turkey 484 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,119 but he's redeemed himself with this delicious bread sauce. 485 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,919 You had enough to buy a sports car. 486 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,599 Carl would've sold that MG for scrap. 487 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:16,119 Don't bring the MG into it. You don't know what you're talking about. 488 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:19,279 Ratatouille is on in a minute. It's meant to be amazing. 489 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,199 Fair play, it is fucking good. 490 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:25,199 Second-hand MG? Got to be a couple of grand. 491 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:29,239 It was a good deal on a good car, Missy. 492 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,719 So, Dobby, have you had any good Christmas presents this year? 493 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,679 Well, my boyfriend bought me some kitchen tongs... 494 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:41,239 'Two for one. Nice work, Uncle Scrooge.' 495 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,999 That wasn't the only present he got you, was it, Dobby, as I recall? 496 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,999 Oh, yeah, he bought me something else, gold, but it's in the post. 497 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,079 Oh, dear. 498 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:55,079 Look, I'm sure Dobby's boyfriend could have strolled into an Argos 499 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,519 and got a bog standard bracelet from a spotty Saturday girl, 500 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,519 but maybe he wanted to get something a little bit special. 501 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:05,719 Something with an inscription that would make it extra special, 502 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,599 but also would unexpectedly delay delivery. 503 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,799 That's just one of a number of possibilities, right, 504 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,639 so shall we all just lay off him? 505 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,279 Hello. 506 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:18,639 Touched a nerve? 507 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,239 Something's afoot. 508 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,239 Shall I see if I can winkle it out with my winkle-pickers? 509 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,359 'Fuck you, Poirot.' 510 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,559 Look, I'm the bracelet bastard. 511 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:30,359 Oh! 512 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,719 Dobby's my girlfriend. All right? 513 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,719 Sorry I didn't mention it before, but we're an item and she's great 514 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,999 and it's going really well, and she may appear to you "norms" 515 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:46,159 like a bit of a freak, but I don't care. 516 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:48,879 'He shoots, he scores, he calls his team-mate a freak.' 517 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:52,559 Right. 518 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,199 Now, where's the cauliflower? 519 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,639 Cauliflower is not traditional. 520 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:00,639 Cauliflower is traditional! 521 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:07,039 I don't know if it really is traditional, actually. 522 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:11,039 Could you not slip a muzzle on your woman, please, Mark? 523 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,999 'I notice I'm not saying anything.' 524 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,519 Ahhhh... 525 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,559 'Still not saying anything. 526 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:25,239 'Nothing coming. 527 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:29,239 You'll have to excuse me. Thank you. This has all been horrible. 528 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:35,799 How about Pictionary after lunch? 529 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:39,799 We're not playing bleeding Pictionary. It's a made-up game. 530 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:45,159 Dobs...I'm going. 531 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,599 I'm going to fuck off to the Dorchester. Want to come or not? 532 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:52,599 I'm sorry. I can't. They're my parents. 533 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:56,239 Look, stay. I'll grow some balls later, OK? And a backbone. 534 00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:59,399 We can have backbone and ball stew all Boxing Day. 535 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:03,399 You can't just leave. What... what am I going to tell them? 536 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:06,959 Tell them I got sectioned or had some violent masturbating to do. 537 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,839 'Probably believe it.' 538 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,839 (What do you say, Jeremy? Shall we do it?) 539 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,279 (It'd be so naughty.) 540 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:18,159 (They'll be next door having turkey and we'll be there, quietly humping.) 541 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,719 But, Sarah, it's Christmas. 542 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,039 So? What, are you religious now, or something? 543 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,919 Do you believe in Jesus? 544 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:28,599 No, course I don't believe in Jesus, but I do believe in Christmas. 545 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,839 I'm a Christmasist. 546 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:34,559 'Wow, I did it! I resisted something for something else. 547 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,399 'That was...something.' 548 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,199 Hey, Mark, guess what! I was just offered sex and I turned it down! 549 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:40,519 Oh, well, congratulations. 550 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,079 I did it for Father Christmas. 551 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:47,079 'Look at him. He probably thinks Father Christmas died for our sins. 552 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:50,759 We heard the door. What happened? 553 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:52,799 Dobby's...gone. 554 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:56,799 Good riddance to bad rubbish. You can do a lot better than that, Marko. 555 00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,959 Well, no, actually, because she's great and thanks to you I'm a dick, 556 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,319 so I was punching well above my weight. 557 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,039 Pass me some of that ham, will you? 558 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:08,519 I think it's the only meat on the table unlikely to kill me. 559 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,479 Allow me. 'You want ham? Well, you're going to get ham. 560 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:13,959 'See how you like this ham.' 561 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,919 SHREDDER WHIRRS 562 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,119 What the hell do you think you're doing? 563 00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:20,679 Thought you liked your ham shredded. 564 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,999 Mark! Think what it's doing to the mechanism. 565 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,199 It's fine, Dad. 566 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:29,199 Somebody stop him, he's gone totally mad. 567 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,679 Hello, Christmas movie. 568 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:43,679 Right, very well. 569 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:47,399 I'm making myself some cauliflower. 570 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:51,399 'Uh-oh. Is Daddy coming to get me? 571 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,479 'No, I've won! It's festive Festen! 572 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:57,519 'Hakuna Matata! I'm the new Lion King!' 573 00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:01,039 Right, Hans, pour my mother a massive drink. 574 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:02,759 Jeremy, turn on Ratatouille. 575 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:04,839 Sarah, crack open the Pictionary. 576 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:08,839 Merry ChristMark, everyone! 577 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:32,239 Adriano_CSI