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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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♪ I'm not sick but I'm not well

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♪ And I'm so hot

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♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪

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<b>Adriano_CSI www.
MY-SUBS.com

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Sex over.
Now the smiling and staring.

6
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I think Dobby might be bored with me, sexually.
I'm vanilla. I should be...

7
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not neapolitan, that's too '70s,

8
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but pistachio - slightly
unpleasant, but novel.

9
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I was thinking of booking that country
house hotel for your birthday.

10
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Really?
Cos, country house hotels...?

11
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I mean, doesn't working in a Mexican
restaurant mean we'd be better suited

12
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to a Premier Inn and a
bottle of supermarket voddy?

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Or I could pay.

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No way. I'm being the man here
and paying for everything.

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I'm taking you away.
I might even carry you over the threshold.

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OK, Captain Caveman!

17
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Would you be able to drive us?
It's in Hereford.

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Sure.

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DOORBELL

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DOORBELL Shall I get it?
I've got your fluffy dressing gown on.

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Thanks. 'Officially,
it's a towelling robe.'

22
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Might not be incredibly stylish
but it is hugely absorbent.

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Oh, did I tell you?
Poor old Simon's mum's ill.

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How horrible for him.

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I might get a card.

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I might get a card. 'The cool, good-looking
ex-boyfriend whom I strongly suspect

27
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'was far better in bed than me.
His grief is mine.'

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You got some money, Mark?

29
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Hang on.
'Must be the Barnardo's man.'

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He's unemployed, Mark.

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Right. 'Is he, though? I'm pretty sure
I saw this exposed on Rogue Traders.'

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Just trying to make a bit
of honest money, really.

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Your neighbours have been very kind.

34
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So, uh, what have you got?

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Um, fluffy dusters, J-Cloths...

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'Shit. OK, don't choose the cheapest
in front of Dobby. So not J-Cloths.

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'Not scourers. Fluffy dusters?
I think they're relatively cheap.'

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..or oven gloves...

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Fluffy duster?

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Fluffy duster?
Sure mate. They're 11.

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They're what?

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11 quid. They're made of fibres.

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'I'm being politely mugged.'

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Thanks.

45
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I'll go and make some
coffee, Mr Generous.

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(WHISPERS) I'd have just
gone for the J-Cloths.

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'Great, just wasted 11 on 4
worth of female approval.'

48
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Right, I'm having that back.
You've conned me.

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I'm not some frail old
lady in sheltered housing.

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Get to fuck.

51
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Are you OK?

52
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It's fine. Things got a bit out
of hand, but I took control.

53
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So what did you think, Jeremy?

54
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Wow. That's what I thought.
Wowzers trousers.

55
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You didn't fall asleep, did you?
At one point I thought...

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No way!
No, I loved every minute of it.

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The colours, the woman, the...

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It was all great.
Amelie is a fantastic film.

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What a fantastic film.

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Yeah. It's French, but you can
easily work out what's happening

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most of the way through.

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Exactly.

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Not predigested, Hollywood
blockbuster crap.

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That shit, trying to lure you in by
entertaining you. It's so shallow.

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You cabbing it?

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I'm cabbing it.

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I'm cabbing it.
'Won't tell her I'm bussing it.'

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It's great, isn't it, how even
though I'm an attractive guy

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and you're an attractive girl, we
can just hang out like great mates?

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Yeah, just cos I'm
going out with Ben...

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'The shit.'

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'The shit.' ..
doesn't mean you and I can't be buds.

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I mean, we have so many interests
in common - foreign film,

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fringe theatre, contemporary dance,

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even those silver people in Covent
Garden who stand really still

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and pretend to be statues.

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I adore, enormously, all of that.

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And you run that book
group, don't you?

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Which is great, because I
love difficult literature.

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Wow! Another tick! I'd invite you
but we're full up at the minute.

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Does Ben... 'The shit.' ...go?

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No. He hates reading.

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No. He hates reading.
Oh, he is missing out on so much.

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Uh-huh.

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Uh-huh. So many people
just plod through life,

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you know, thinking the
same stupid thoughts

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with their tiny, predictable,
Identikit minds.

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Most people just go around nodding to the
last opinion they heard, don't they?

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I agree.

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Excuse me, Melvyn.
Is one of you getting in?

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Bye, then.

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Bye. Thanks for a lovely
afternoon of French cinema.

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Au revoir, mon ami!

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Indeedy. 'This is all so
fucking sophisticated.'

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See you tomorrow. A demain.

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No, you da man!

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(LAUGHS)

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'Why is that funny?'

99
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And you're off it all? Crack as well?

100
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But you love crack,
it's your favourite.

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Especially crack, Jez.
I've stopped putting all that poison and shit

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into my body and my precious brain.

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Since when?

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Since when?
Since Tuesday.

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I had a sort of road-to-Damascus
flash on the A22.

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Crashed the van into some guy's
hedge cos I was so fucking wrecked.

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And then this voice in my head -

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sounded like Brian Moore, who
used to do the football on ITV -

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said, "Pack it in, son. Mug's game."

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Well, that's very sensible,
albeit hallucinatory, advice.

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Mark, um...

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Look, in here...

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is my pipe and my last rock.
I want you to have it.

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I don't want it. It's illegal.

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I want you to keep it, please.
It's symbolic.

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And if I come to you and ask you for
it, I want you to tell me "no", OK?

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OK.

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Even if I hit you,

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hard, with wood, or grab your arm
and bend it up behind your back

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till it snaps like a fucking KitKat,
you still tell me no, right?

121
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With wood?

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Thanks, Mark. Legend.

123
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So how's all this going?

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Easy, man.
Easy like a Sonntag Morgen.

125
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I'm just finding other
things to fill my time.

126
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Like what?

127
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Like what?
Cycling, running.

128
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I ran 10k yesterday.

129
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I ran here this morning, then back
home, and then back here again.

130
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I'm cooking, knitting...
Knitting like a fucking electric nan.

131
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Did this scarf.
I've got two quilts on the go

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and a sort of tabard.
It's cool. It's easy.

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Great.

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Great.
You got any olives?

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I've gone fucking mental for olives.

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No, we...

137
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Shit! Jesus!
Where am I going to get olives?!

138
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I'm craving the salt.

139
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We've got salt.

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I'm not going to go necking fucking
salt straight from the shaker, Mark.

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I'm not mad. Right, fucking laters.
I'm going to sprint to Londis.

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DOOR CLOSES

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DOOR CLOSES He is a bit mad, isn't he?

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Jez, I'm...

145
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I'm slightly worried that Dobby
might still be in love with Simon.

146
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Yeah.

147
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Yeah. D'you mean, yeah,
you think she is?

148
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,359
No, no, I mean, yeah, I'm not
really listening. Sorry.

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And I'm worried that I might not be...

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What?

151
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What? Look, you know the actual...
The act of intercourse...

152
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Oh, my God!
You're asking me for sex tips!

153
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Pass me the cava and the big pack of
Tyrrels - it's a girls' night in!

154
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What would you say was the average
amount of time before the man...?

155
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Unleashes hell?

156
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Unleashes hell? Yes.
I want the average amount of time,

157
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,999
the mean...
No, the mode or median.

158
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Sting's probably thrown the
mean out for everyone else.

159
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Well, it depends, Mark.

160
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It often depends on, you know,
where you are,if you get me.

161
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No, no, I don't want to
hear about the bum, Jeremy.

162
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I know for you it all
revolves around the bum.

163
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You're like the
Copernicus of the anus.

164
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You've got to know
about the bum, Mark.

165
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,839
Otherwise, it's like only cooking with
the hob and never using the oven.

166
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The bum is the secret portal.

167
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It's not much of a secret, though,
is it, Jeremy? Be honest.

168
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The bum is quite - if you'll
pardon the image - an open secret.

169
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,519
So you think you've
lost your dirty mojo?

170
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:10,999
Yeah, I am a bit
desperate on that front.

171
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I mean, I've even bought a...

172
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What?

173
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What?
Nothing.

174
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A what, Mark?

175
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Blimey.

176
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It's a dildo.
I've bought a big dildo.

177
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How big is it?

178
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,159
Nine inches. It's a nine-incher.

179
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,759
I thought it might spice things up.

180
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,759
Trouble is, I find it quite
intimidating, as a man.

181
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,839
I mean, look at it, it's
like a leg of lamb.

182
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:40,599
So I've decided to call it
Kenneth, to take the curse off.

183
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Kenneth?

184
00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:43,359
Kenneth? Yes.
"My colleague, Kenneth."

185
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,199
"Shall I fetch Kenneth?"

186
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,199
"Meet my sexual associate, Kenneth."

187
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Makes him less daunting.

188
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,399
And has Kenneth seen action?

189
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,239
No. I mean, it might be
the sexiest thing ever,

190
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,039
or it might be a massive disaster.

191
00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:01,039
Dobby might hate it. So, for now,
you stay at Brize Norton, Kenneth.

192
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:06,119
I don't think you're ready
to enter Helmand yet.

193
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,919
So is your work still... 'Good? Bad?

194
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:11,759
'Does he like it there now?
I've forgotten.' ..you know?

195
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,399
I despise every second of it.
We're short-staffed

196
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,639
and Gail keeps making me
do these extra shifts,

197
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,759
and she hates me since
you tried to kill her.

198
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:21,119
Yeah. Sorry, man. My bad.

199
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,759
You should tell her you need time off.
I'm no NHS Direct,

200
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,559
but this stress can't be doing
your sex life any good.

201
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,239
Tell Gail she's exploiting you.

202
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,879
But then she'll fire me!

203
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,359
I don't want to be unemployed.
I've got a girlfriend to impress.

204
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,559
And when Sophie gets back from Wales,
I've also got a baby to impress.

205
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,479
Christ, Mark, you really
need to grow a pair.

206
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:38,719
Of testicles?

207
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:39,359
Yes.

208
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:41,079
Yes. You want me to grow
a pair of testicles

209
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,319
so I'd have four testicles,

210
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:46,279
and somehow that'll help make me braver
and better able to deal with stress?

211
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,159
Staggering around like a baboon
with four balls hanging down.

212
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:50,679
Look, Gail's fucking you over

213
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:53,239
because you're so bloody passive.
You need to rip her a new one.

214
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:56,119
A new anus?
So she'd have two anuses?

215
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,879
And then in this mad
new world of yours,

216
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,359
I'd presumably shove my four bollocks

217
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:04,359
up her two anuses for
some unknown reason.

218
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,799
'Never fancied a girl with glasses before.
I wouldn't care if she had a limp

219
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:11,239
'or a funny elbow. I'm so PC.
I'm horny Gandhi.'

220
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:14,039
Did you have a nice time at
whatever-the-fuck film it was with Zahra?

221
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,679
Yeah, nice movie.

222
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,759
The colours, the woman in it...

223
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:19,399
It's a great arrangement
we've got here, Jez.

224
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:20,439
Arrangement?

225
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,279
Yeah. You take care of the
brainy, arty crap she likes,

226
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,559
I take care of the physical side.
Like when she came back from Emily.

227
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:27,919
Amelie. 'You shit.'

228
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,919
She was in this really good mood,

229
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,559
all sparked up and receptive.

230
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:35,279
You can imagine what we got up to!

231
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,999
Yeah. Shall I order that toner
from the Viking catalogue, or...?

232
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,679
I won't go into detail about
what it is we did, Jez,

233
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,399
but let's just say it wasn't
a long game of Scrabble!

234
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,199
(CHUCKLES)

235
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:49,079
Your glans isn't red raw after a
long game of Scrabble, is it?!

236
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:51,119
Not ordinarily, no.

237
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:52,159
You don't fancy Zahra, do you, Jez?

238
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,279
You don't fancy Zahra,
do you, Jez? No.

239
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:56,559
Because that would be an extremely
huge problem if you did.

240
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,959
I really don't.
She's just normal, you know,

241
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:02,959
like trifle or, uh, the pavement.
Just there.

242
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:07,159
Anyway, I was wondering if you
wanted to dabble in a bit more AandR,

243
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,799
check out some artists, a few
extra quid in your pay packet?

244
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,999
Brilliant. 'Stop making my
lovely job lovelier, you shit!'

245
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,879
Did Ben just give you a pay rise?

246
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,879
Yeah. You know, I honestly never
thought I could enjoy working,

247
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,679
because, obviously, when you work,

248
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:25,999
you can't go back to bed until
night-time, which seems mad,

249
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,719
but I really like it.

250
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,319
I'm going to the Tate Modern

251
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,439
for the Richard Avedon symposium on Friday.
I don't suppose you fancy coming?

252
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,079
Yeah, sure.

253
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:38,079
I mean, I was going myself anyway on
Sunday, but yeah, let's go together.

254
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:41,839
'Jesus Christ, I am so out of my depth!
Who's Richard Avedon?

255
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,399
'What's a symposium?

256
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:47,359
'At least I know which day Friday is,
that's something to cling onto.'

257
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,359
'Tension headache.
Brain tumour, maybe?

258
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,679
'Sexy, fascinating,
roguish brain tumour?

259
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:56,679
'Not with my luck. Think I will ask
Gail if I can take some time off.'

260
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,759
Mark, what are you doing?
You're needed.

261
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,279
Order for that table
of teenage pisstards?

262
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:04,119
Right. Gail, when you've
got a second, later maybe,

263
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,439
I was wondering whether my
taking some holiday might...

264
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,719
Mark, we're two chefs down.
Abigail's got norovirus.

265
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,439
Marek just took the tip of his
little finger off right on the eve

266
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,479
of his sister's wedding.
Co-incidence?

267
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:15,119
Um...

268
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,999
Um... So this is not the time
for you to ask to skive off.

269
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,519
Jesus!

270
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,839
'Good to get that out in the open.
At least I know where I stand now.

271
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:25,839
'I'm precisely where I was a second
ago but quite a bit more upset.

272
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:30,519
'Shit. It's the Rogue Trader.
I wonder if his dish, perchance, cost 11.'

273
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,359
Enjoy your meals.
'Just keep walking, Mark.'

274
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:33,879
Oi.

275
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:35,319
Oi. 'And now walk back, Mark.'

276
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:36,599
I never ordered this.

277
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,999
I think you did. Burritos Deluxe.

278
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,319
No, Burritos Mexicano, with jalapeno sauce.
Do I know you?

279
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,759
No. Um, oh, right, yes,

280
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,919
I'm afraid my colleague who took your
order must have made a mistake, so...

281
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:52,119
Don't blame her. For fuck's sake, man up.
You're the one who brought the wrong food.

282
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:55,799
True, but I was only following orders.
'Like Vince Cable.'

283
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,839
Don't blame a woman, you
piece of fucking dirt.

284
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,839
Now fuck off back to that kitchen and
get me what you should have done

285
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:01,919
the first time. Mug.

286
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,919
'Fine. Right, fine.

287
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,639
'OK, great, you want the
jalapeno sauce, mate?

288
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,559
'Well, you can have
the jalapeno sauce,

289
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:13,279
'but with my hot yellow piss in it.

290
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:17,079
'Yeah, see how you like this!'

291
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,319
'I can't go! I can't piss!

292
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,919
'Come on, bladder!
Please let me piss in the sauce!'

293
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,519
Mark...

294
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:29,519
Am I sacked? Sh-Sh-Should I go?

295
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,999
I bet I'm sacked.

296
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,679
Dobby will definitely dump me now.

297
00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:36,439
Dobby will definitely dump me now.
No, she won't.

298
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:40,439
She's got a special look of pity for
unemployed people. Like this...

299
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,919
I'd say that was more
sympathy, or empathy.

300
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:45,679
One of the pathies.
The pathies are nice.

301
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,879
Anyway, we won't be able to
go away for her birthday now.

302
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:52,439
We'll be stuck here with own-brand
couscous and Wallander.

303
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,239
Don't worry. Zahra says we
have only one thing to fear,

304
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,919
and that's fear itself.
It's a clever saying, isn't it?

305
00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:00,519
And what about losing all your money?

306
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,359
Or shitting yourself in public?

307
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,879
Or the tabloid press mistakenly
outing you as a paedo?

308
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,679
Or Alzheimer's? Or all of those
things, plus you're drowning?

309
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,119
It's a clever saying,
though, isn't it?

310
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,199
Oh, Jesus! You're in love
with Zahra, aren't you?

311
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:17,799
You shouldn't be in love with her,
Jeremy, you're playing with fire.

312
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,919
No, I'm not. I'm playing with...
the opposite of fire.

313
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,119
Water?

314
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,799
Exactly. Thank you.
Because, yeah, obviously, I fancy Zahra,

315
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:29,799
but I want to keep my nice job, so I've
decided to just be in love with her mind.

316
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:32,199
A pure, modest, beautiful love.

317
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:32,879
PHONE RINGS

318
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,559
PHONE RINGS And then possibly have
a wank when we're Skyping. Hans.

319
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:37,839
Jez, you need to come and get me.

320
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:38,319
What's up?

321
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:40,519
What's up?
I've accidentally run to Windsor.

322
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,199
What?

323
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,679
Yeah, I've mistakenly run to Windsor.

324
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,999
But that's, like, in Scotland
or something, isn't it?

325
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,999
I didn't mean to.
It's just the endorphins kicked in and...

326
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,639
I couldn't stop.

327
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:56,199
OK. Well, find some polythene or
something to pull over yourself

328
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,639
and a bit of waste ground, and I'm
sure you'll feel fine in the morning.

329
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:03,639
My legs are gone, man.
I'm a jelly. I'm paralysed.

330
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,219
It feels fucking brilliant!

331
00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:08,859
God, I fancy you!
Should I make a move?

332
00:14:08,860 --> 00:14:10,619
I'll lose my job. I like my job.

333
00:14:10,620 --> 00:14:14,219
Why can't I have everything I want all the time?
Isn't that democracy?

334
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:15,779
This is a great book.

335
00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:17,419
I adore magic realism, don't you?

336
00:14:17,420 --> 00:14:18,339
Love it.

337
00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:20,339
Love it. You know, guys don't
usually get it as a genre.

338
00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:21,179
Mm.

339
00:14:21,180 --> 00:14:22,459
Mm. Why am I not surprised
that you would?

340
00:14:22,460 --> 00:14:26,299
'OK, here goes.' I've been reading
a very brilliant novel lately.

341
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:26,779
Yeah?

342
00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:29,259
Yeah? Yeah, it's about
a man and a woman.

343
00:14:29,260 --> 00:14:31,459
It's not set here, it's set out in...

344
00:14:31,460 --> 00:14:32,499
Iran.

345
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:33,259
Oh.

346
00:14:33,260 --> 00:14:37,139
Oh. And the woman, she's with
someone else, who is the man's...

347
00:14:37,140 --> 00:14:40,179
um, not boss, but his...

348
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:42,339
baseball coach.

349
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:46,339
Yeah, and he really wants to stay
in the baseball team, the man,

350
00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:50,099
but he also really wants to get
together with the attractive woman.

351
00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:51,459
It's a great book.

352
00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:52,299
What's it called?

353
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:54,379
What's it called?
Baseball Man.

354
00:14:54,380 --> 00:14:57,939
(LAUGHS) Right, I've just got to
call round my book group guys.

355
00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:01,259
Paul's can't host it, and Ben's
holding his poker game at mine.

356
00:15:01,260 --> 00:15:03,659
Well, you could have your
book group at my place,

357
00:15:03,660 --> 00:15:05,459
and I could fill in for Paul.

358
00:15:05,460 --> 00:15:06,819
You'd have to read the
book pretty quickly.

359
00:15:06,820 --> 00:15:09,779
No worries. 'Hope it's Mr Nice.
I've read Mr Nice.'

360
00:15:09,780 --> 00:15:10,979
It's Wuthering Heights.

361
00:15:10,980 --> 00:15:14,019
'Right. Doesn't sound like another
Howard Marks book, but fingers crossed.'

362
00:15:14,020 --> 00:15:15,339
Ah, brilliant.

363
00:15:15,340 --> 00:15:19,339
Great, then.
OK, well, why don't we...

364
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,739
'Fuck hard, right here,
and then kill Ben?'

365
00:15:21,740 --> 00:15:22,659
..grab a coffee?

366
00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:25,299
..grab a coffee?
Super.

367
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:28,619
'Kenneth's lair.
Should I? Shouldn't I?

368
00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:32,619
'Would Kenneth be welcomed now?
' Should I get a condom, or...?

369
00:15:33,220 --> 00:15:34,139
OK.

370
00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:35,539
OK.
They're in the sock drawer.

371
00:15:35,540 --> 00:15:39,539
Hang on a second, then we can
let the enjoyable sex continue.

372
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:43,859
'I don't know what to do.

373
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:46,059
'In a way, Kenneth, I hate you.'

374
00:15:46,060 --> 00:15:47,659
Sorry, they're in
here somewhere, Dobs.

375
00:15:47,660 --> 00:15:50,299
Sorry, they're in here somewhere, Dobs.
MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS

376
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:52,499
Shit, it's from Simon.

377
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:53,779
'Great.'

378
00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:55,659
His mum's died.

379
00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:57,579
'You're off duty, Kenneth.
Stand at ease.'

380
00:15:57,580 --> 00:16:00,659
Sorry, Mark. Is it all right if
I go over now, to see Simon?

381
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,339
'Could I say my mum's dead?

382
00:16:03,340 --> 00:16:07,299
'Would Dobby maybe believe that long
enough for me to go home and shoot Mum?'

383
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:11,299
I do understand it's weird, for us,
so if you'd rather I didn't...

384
00:16:12,220 --> 00:16:14,219
You should go. 'Nicely selfless.

385
00:16:14,220 --> 00:16:18,219
'I can't control what she does, but at least I
can make her feel guilty while she does it.'

386
00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:20,259
It's really tragic, isn't it?

387
00:16:20,260 --> 00:16:22,939
Very tragic indeed.

388
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,139
Although...his mum was loaded,

389
00:16:24,140 --> 00:16:26,979
so Simon's going to be
a very well-off man.

390
00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:30,979
Is he? 'Superb(!
) Young, good-looking, sexy and now rich.

391
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:35,419
'Perhaps the fucker
can also teleport.'

392
00:16:35,420 --> 00:16:36,179
Is that a book, Jeremy?

393
00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:37,219
Is that a book, Jeremy?
Yes, it's a book.

394
00:16:37,220 --> 00:16:38,459
Why shouldn't it be a book?

395
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:39,539
Why do you have it?

396
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,099
I'm going to read it, Mark.

397
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,059
You're going to read a book?
You hate reading.

398
00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:45,459
No, I don't. I love reading.

399
00:16:45,460 --> 00:16:49,139
I read Mr Nice four times.
I read The Bunny Suicides.

400
00:16:49,140 --> 00:16:52,459
Look, I've offered to host
Zahra's book group, OK?

401
00:16:52,460 --> 00:16:55,299
And now Shitty Ben's decided he's
coming because it's happening here

402
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:57,859
and he's all jealous and
suspicious, so what I thought was,

403
00:16:57,860 --> 00:17:01,859
even though I can't tell Ben to
fuck off, I can defeat him mentally

404
00:17:02,260 --> 00:17:05,419
at the book group and impress
Zahra by saying clever things.

405
00:17:05,420 --> 00:17:09,419
So I'm going to read all of
this book, from page one to...

406
00:17:11,420 --> 00:17:15,419
Oh, shit! ..372?!

407
00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:19,059
How's the book going? Enjoying it?

408
00:17:19,060 --> 00:17:22,939
I look at it, I read the
words, or think I do,

409
00:17:22,940 --> 00:17:26,939
but then I get distracted, or I don't
quite take it in, and I have to go back.

410
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:30,619
I've been on the same four
pages for three hours.

411
00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:31,819
I see.

412
00:17:31,820 --> 00:17:34,819
Mark, how do you read?
Can you teach me to read?

413
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:36,339
You want me to teach you to read?

414
00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:38,099
Yes. I mean, not literally.

415
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:40,419
But how do you concentrate?
Please, tell me.

416
00:17:40,420 --> 00:17:43,459
Well, turn the telly off for a start.

417
00:17:43,460 --> 00:17:46,539
'Oh, turn the telly off.
Everything bad starts with, "Turn the telly off".'

418
00:17:46,540 --> 00:17:50,219
OK, start reading that
long paragraph there.

419
00:17:50,220 --> 00:17:52,339
Right.

420
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:55,899
You probably feel like looking
away from the page now, don't you?

421
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:56,779
Yes. Yes, I do.

422
00:17:56,780 --> 00:17:59,819
Yes. Yes, I do. Don't look away.
Stay with it.

423
00:17:59,820 --> 00:18:02,939
'Fascinating. It's like watching a
sheep trying to use an iPhone.'

424
00:18:02,940 --> 00:18:05,979
Oh, it's too difficult!
I mean, the story's told by a man,

425
00:18:05,980 --> 00:18:08,219
and then a lady, and then no-one.

426
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:10,979
Why can't we read something
simple, like Mr Nice?

427
00:18:10,980 --> 00:18:13,179
Well, why don't you talk
about Mr Nice instead?

428
00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:17,179
About all the different times Mr
Nice got high, to different extents.

429
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:21,699
Right, I'm going to sit outside on the
balcony all night and finish this book.

430
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,939
That way I'll be cold and
I won't fall asleep.

431
00:18:23,940 --> 00:18:27,939
'There he is, the Captain Oates of
having to read a relatively short book.'

432
00:18:31,340 --> 00:18:35,339
I can't do it, Mark.
It's 372 pages long and I'm freezing.

433
00:18:35,580 --> 00:18:36,179
My legs!

434
00:18:36,180 --> 00:18:38,139
My legs!
So, what I was thinking was,

435
00:18:38,140 --> 00:18:41,779
could you read it for me, the
stupid olden-days book, please?

436
00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:44,499
I'm not staying up all night
reading Wuthering Heights.

437
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:47,019
Please. I'll do the washing-up
every day until I die,

438
00:18:47,020 --> 00:18:49,099
and then my children will do
the washing-up after that.

439
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:53,099
Look, I'm broke and you're
relatively moneyed, so...

440
00:18:55,140 --> 00:18:58,179
Are we doing a deal? A grubby deal?

441
00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:01,539
Like oilmen or corrupt councillors?

442
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:04,059
Deals happen every day, Jeremy.
Buying a Twix is a deal.

443
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:07,019
Paying for the toilet
at Euston is a deal.

444
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,979
I'll read the book,

445
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:12,339
I'll look at some online
criticism, but for a price.

446
00:19:12,340 --> 00:19:14,619
You massive prostitute!

447
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:16,219
I am not a prostitute.

448
00:19:16,220 --> 00:19:20,219
Now, please get out of my bed.

449
00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:25,419
Best to have Pringles in bowls,
otherwise you get Pringle Hand.

450
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:28,579
I think if Rod Hull and
Emu were still alive,

451
00:19:28,580 --> 00:19:31,339
they definitely would have used
them to advertise Pringles.

452
00:19:31,340 --> 00:19:35,339
Yes. So, the birthday weekend's going
ahead if you're still up for it?

453
00:19:35,860 --> 00:19:37,779
All the complimentary
shower caps we can wear

454
00:19:37,780 --> 00:19:40,259
and proper cafetieres in the rooms.

455
00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:43,859
Mark, you're unemployed.
You can't afford that. Don't be silly.

456
00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:45,139
No, it's fine...

457
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:46,379
Mark, listen.

458
00:19:46,380 --> 00:19:47,619
Yes. Listening.

459
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,979
I'm not still into Simon, OK?

460
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:53,899
His mum died, he was sad,
I made him a boiled egg.

461
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:56,939
Stop waiting for all this to blow
up, because it's not going to

462
00:19:56,940 --> 00:20:00,299
unless you detonate your
mad, paranoid, bomb vest.

463
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,379
Sorry.

464
00:20:01,380 --> 00:20:02,899
How about we ditch the book freaks

465
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:06,099
and head back to my place, yeah?
You look like you need to be in bed.

466
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,819
Well, I am very tired, Iwas
up half the night reading...

467
00:20:08,820 --> 00:20:12,819
Oh, I see! Yeah. Got you. Bed.

468
00:20:13,140 --> 00:20:14,739
Lovely.

469
00:20:14,740 --> 00:20:15,859
They're ready, Mark.

470
00:20:15,860 --> 00:20:19,859
Yes, something else has come up, Jez.
I can't do the book group.

471
00:20:19,940 --> 00:20:21,939
No, Mark, we made a deal.

472
00:20:21,940 --> 00:20:24,499
Remember - a grubby deal?
You've got to defeat Ben.

473
00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:26,019
I need to renege on the deal, Jez.

474
00:20:26,020 --> 00:20:28,379
I really have got something
else I'd rather do.

475
00:20:28,380 --> 00:20:30,699
Mark, I need you.

476
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:33,059
I haven't read the book.

477
00:20:33,060 --> 00:20:35,299
(ZAHRA) Jeremy!

478
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:38,979
We thought we'd let you
start, as it's your place.

479
00:20:38,980 --> 00:20:42,019
'We're letting you castrate
yourself as it's your penknife.'

480
00:20:42,020 --> 00:20:42,659
Away you go.

481
00:20:42,660 --> 00:20:45,339
Away you go. Great.
'What do I say? I'm pretty sure

482
00:20:45,340 --> 00:20:48,539
'it's a love story.
Can I compare it to another love story?

483
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:50,059
'The film Love Story, maybe?'

484
00:20:50,060 --> 00:20:51,939
Well, as a love story...

485
00:20:51,940 --> 00:20:54,779
I'm sorry, as a what?

486
00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:56,219
A love story?

487
00:20:56,220 --> 00:20:58,699
Come on, Jez!
This isn't a fucking love story.

488
00:20:58,700 --> 00:21:01,819
It's a fucking fuck story.
It's about animal lusts and earth

489
00:21:01,820 --> 00:21:05,819
and dirt and fluids, not love, art,
companionship, all that rubbish.

490
00:21:06,460 --> 00:21:07,139
DOORBELL

491
00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,099
DOORBELL 'I hate you.'

492
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:10,379
Crack.

493
00:21:10,380 --> 00:21:12,059
There you go.

494
00:21:12,060 --> 00:21:15,779
Cheers.

495
00:21:15,780 --> 00:21:18,699
Wuthering Heights is so
obviously an exploration of,

496
00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:20,979
you know, wild elemental forces...

497
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:24,979
(WHISPERS) Jeremy's right, he's a shit.
Can we go in for five minutes, Dobs?

498
00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:28,699
...as an ode to dark
passions and a kind of...

499
00:21:28,700 --> 00:21:31,739
Savage rhapsody?
Sorry, Ben, very easily done

500
00:21:31,740 --> 00:21:34,579
but I think you might
accidentally be giving opinions

501
00:21:34,580 --> 00:21:38,379
from quite a well-known online essay
on Wuthering Heights as your own...

502
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:40,739
'Fuck you!
Mark's going into bat for me.'

503
00:21:40,740 --> 00:21:42,179
..hasn't understood the book at all.

504
00:21:42,180 --> 00:21:44,299
Wuthering Heights isn't a
hymn to lust and passion...

505
00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:47,739
'And he's really good at this, unlike
any game actually involving a bat.'

506
00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:50,939
...gothic nonsense is, and how
it inevitably has to give way

507
00:21:50,940 --> 00:21:54,019
to real life and real love.

508
00:21:54,020 --> 00:21:56,019
Wow. Blimey, Mark, you sound
like an intellectual,

509
00:21:56,020 --> 00:21:58,539
like...Tony Parsons or something.

510
00:21:58,540 --> 00:22:01,299
'This is what I was born to do.

511
00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:04,259
'It's like Robert Robinson fucked
Joan Bakewell and they had me.'

512
00:22:04,260 --> 00:22:07,299
Right, screw this. I'm off.

513
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:11,099
Bunch of fucking pseuds.

514
00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:14,859
Well, shall we cool off, put our
big hot brains on ice for five?

515
00:22:14,860 --> 00:22:16,219
Back to yours?

516
00:22:16,220 --> 00:22:19,659
Sounds like a plan, Stan.

517
00:22:19,660 --> 00:22:20,979
Thanks, mate.

518
00:22:20,980 --> 00:22:23,259
It's all right, Jez, I'm
just off to Dobby's,

519
00:22:23,260 --> 00:22:26,499
and I don't think I'll be needing to
be "friends with Kenneth" any more.

520
00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:30,499
OK. D'you think Kenneth might
have been made redundant?

521
00:22:30,740 --> 00:22:33,419
Indeed.
I think Kenneth can take a hike.

522
00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:37,419
(CHUCKLES)

523
00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:41,499
Kenneth is what Mark calls
his nine-inch dildo.

524
00:22:49,700 --> 00:22:53,699
♪ Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's coming to get me

525
00:22:54,820 --> 00:22:57,779
♪ Just say you never met me

526
00:22:57,780 --> 00:23:01,779
♪ I'm running underground with
the moles, digging holes. ♪