1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:02,287 --> 00:00:06,246 2 00:00:06,287 --> 00:00:09,279 3 00:00:09,327 --> 00:00:13,843 4 00:00:18,607 --> 00:00:21,246 JEREMY: I love being me. Morning, horn. 5 00:00:21,287 --> 00:00:23,164 "Morning, Jeremy." 6 00:00:23,207 --> 00:00:24,959 I need to go to work. 7 00:00:25,007 --> 00:00:27,680 Mmm... Ring in sick. Tell them... 8 00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:31,925 Dr Jeremy says you've got to stay in bed with plenty of fluids. 9 00:00:31,967 --> 00:00:33,446 Sexual fluids. 10 00:00:33,487 --> 00:00:34,840 (GIGGLES) 11 00:00:34,887 --> 00:00:36,878 Hope she doesn't think I'm really a doctor. 12 00:00:36,927 --> 00:00:41,717 First sex with Elena, and it was the best sex I ever had. 13 00:00:41,767 --> 00:00:44,122 Wonder why. I just did my usual stuff. 14 00:00:44,167 --> 00:00:47,398 Snog, diddle, tongue, diddle, front, behind, cuddle. The set menu. 15 00:00:47,447 --> 00:00:50,166 Oh, and... could you iron my top for me quickly, Jez? 16 00:00:50,207 --> 00:00:51,356 Yeah, sure. 17 00:00:51,407 --> 00:00:53,477 Why did I say that? 18 00:00:53,527 --> 00:00:55,438 I never iron. I have never ironed. 19 00:00:55,487 --> 00:00:57,762 I don't even know where the batteries go. 20 00:00:57,807 --> 00:01:00,401 Oh, my God, I'm in love. 21 00:01:00,447 --> 00:01:02,403 I'm in love with Elena. 22 00:01:02,447 --> 00:01:04,756 Oh, my giddy arsel 23 00:01:06,447 --> 00:01:09,166 MARK: Oh, God. The battle of the bulge. 24 00:01:09,207 --> 00:01:12,199 There's a baby in there, about the size of a croissant. 25 00:01:12,247 --> 00:01:15,956 A terrifying, life-altering croissant baby. 26 00:01:16,007 --> 00:01:19,158 So, first, do we want to know in advance whether it's going to be a boy or a girl? 27 00:01:19,207 --> 00:01:22,005 Not sure. Let it be a surprise? 28 00:01:22,047 --> 00:01:25,960 Of course it'll be a boy. And he'll be just like me. 29 00:01:26,007 --> 00:01:29,044 It'll be like going through it all again. The PE hell, 30 00:01:29,087 --> 00:01:33,524 the stolen packed lunch, having to do a little dance and sing "I'm a gaylord" 31 00:01:33,567 --> 00:01:35,523 to the tune of Like A Virgin. 32 00:01:35,567 --> 00:01:38,001 Although, obviously, the tune will be different in 11 years' time. 33 00:01:38,047 --> 00:01:41,926 So, given all that, I've decided I want to go private. 34 00:01:41,967 --> 00:01:43,320 Oh, shit. 35 00:01:43,367 --> 00:01:44,925 It'll cost about £6,000. 36 00:01:44,967 --> 00:01:46,241 But I'm unemployedl 37 00:01:46,287 --> 00:01:48,437 Mum and Dad can contribute half, so we need to find the rest. 38 00:01:48,487 --> 00:01:50,205 Right. Got you. 39 00:01:50,247 --> 00:01:52,522 £3,000. Jesus. 40 00:01:52,567 --> 00:01:56,401 More than the boiler and the sofa combined. I hope he's clever. 41 00:01:56,447 --> 00:01:59,883 I will definitely resent paying three grand for an idiot. 42 00:01:59,927 --> 00:02:01,246 So, how's the job-hunting going? 43 00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:02,800 Oh, er, you know... good. 44 00:02:02,847 --> 00:02:05,964 - Thinking of changing career direction. - Like what? 45 00:02:06,007 --> 00:02:09,079 Teach English as a foreign language, import Pecorino? 46 00:02:09,127 --> 00:02:11,482 Something... different - more... fulfilling. 47 00:02:11,527 --> 00:02:14,439 Yeah... Of course, obviously, it would be really great if you were happy, 48 00:02:14,487 --> 00:02:16,045 but it's not the most pressing thing. 49 00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:17,122 No, no, of course not. 50 00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:20,045 I've heard there are some jobs going at Farrell's, the loss adjusters. 51 00:02:20,087 --> 00:02:21,406 It might be worth a punt. 52 00:02:21,447 --> 00:02:23,085 Er, OK, I'll fire off a CV. 53 00:02:23,127 --> 00:02:25,402 Loss adjustment. I could do that. 54 00:02:25,447 --> 00:02:29,235 My entire life has been one continual adjustment to loss. 55 00:02:30,727 --> 00:02:32,922 Right, Corrigan. Need a job. 56 00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:35,162 You're a man with imminent responsibilities. 57 00:02:35,207 --> 00:02:38,483 So, really quick look at Facebook and a tiny bit of You Tube, 58 00:02:38,527 --> 00:02:41,166 and then I'll get a CV off to the loss adjusters. 59 00:02:41,207 --> 00:02:45,325 Shit. Where's the whirr? Oh, no. Oh, my God, why didn't I back up? 60 00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:47,961 I'm exactly the kind of person who backs upl 61 00:02:48,007 --> 00:02:50,237 Thank God I abandoned Business Secrets Of The Pharaohs. 62 00:02:50,287 --> 00:02:52,482 - JEREMY: Hey. - Bloody computer's dead. 63 00:02:52,527 --> 00:02:54,165 Oh, I'm so sorry. 64 00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:56,960 Oh, that's really dreadful for you. Oh, come here. 65 00:02:57,007 --> 00:02:58,235 MARK: Ughl Hugging? 66 00:02:58,287 --> 00:03:00,278 - Poor you. - Are you OK? 67 00:03:00,327 --> 00:03:03,717 Is this... ecstasy? You're not getting into ecstasy again, are you? 68 00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:06,565 I'm in love, Mark. With amazing Elena. 69 00:03:06,607 --> 00:03:08,120 I don't want to tempt fate, 70 00:03:08,167 --> 00:03:11,637 but I think everything's going to be totally great forever. 71 00:03:11,687 --> 00:03:13,405 I'm pleased for you. 72 00:03:13,447 --> 00:03:16,280 You don't understand, Mark. I've realised that everything 73 00:03:16,327 --> 00:03:18,283 is just a substitute for being in love. 74 00:03:18,327 --> 00:03:21,763 Reading, running in the Olympics, getting a job, being a doctor. 75 00:03:21,807 --> 00:03:26,198 And I don't need those substitutes any more. Elena is my one true soulmate. 76 00:03:26,247 --> 00:03:30,240 It's remarkable, isn't it, that out of the three billion adult women in the world 77 00:03:30,287 --> 00:03:31,686 your one true soulmate 78 00:03:31,727 --> 00:03:34,525 happens conveniently to live in the same block of flats as you, 79 00:03:34,567 --> 00:03:37,923 rather than, say, in a village in Mozambique? 80 00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:40,083 Who knows how these things happen? 81 00:03:40,127 --> 00:03:42,800 There are powers at work beyond our understanding. 82 00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:45,156 - No, there aren't. - What was it Shakespeare said? 83 00:03:45,207 --> 00:03:47,038 He said a lot of things, Jeremy. 84 00:03:47,087 --> 00:03:50,602 He basically said something about how there are more things there 85 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:54,765 than... there are actual things that you can see with your eyes. 86 00:03:54,807 --> 00:03:56,399 That's not the exact quote. 87 00:03:56,447 --> 00:03:57,436 Isn't it(?) 88 00:03:57,487 --> 00:04:00,445 Anyway, I'm going to tell Elena that I love her. Over dinner, tonight. 89 00:04:00,487 --> 00:04:03,559 Why take the risk? She might not say it back. 90 00:04:03,607 --> 00:04:06,485 Why do you have to bring worry and doubt into everything? 91 00:04:06,527 --> 00:04:09,200 You're like some kind of mad evangelist for anxiety. 92 00:04:09,247 --> 00:04:10,805 MARK: Lots to go round, old son. 93 00:04:10,847 --> 00:04:13,315 I'm probably a couple of grams lighter now. 94 00:04:15,887 --> 00:04:18,401 Nice office for a charity. I wonder if the people who give money 95 00:04:18,447 --> 00:04:20,517 know it goes on massive luxury chairs. 96 00:04:20,567 --> 00:04:22,398 Hiya, sweetheart. Ready to go? 97 00:04:22,447 --> 00:04:27,202 (SIGHS) God, I am so ready to go. It's just been desperately horrible here today. 98 00:04:27,247 --> 00:04:31,035 Wow. Normally, listening to someone else bang on about their job, 99 00:04:31,087 --> 00:04:34,875 with their e-mails and meetings and Peters, is incredibly tedious. 100 00:04:34,927 --> 00:04:36,804 But I'm actually interested. 101 00:04:36,847 --> 00:04:39,441 Peter sounds like a honking great wanker. 102 00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:40,840 He is! 103 00:04:40,887 --> 00:04:42,445 (GIGGLES) 104 00:04:43,487 --> 00:04:45,125 Why am I so nervous? 105 00:04:45,167 --> 00:04:48,045 I feel like I'm about to take an exam, but... one that actually matters, 106 00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:49,998 not some mad university exam. 107 00:04:51,607 --> 00:04:53,723 Mmm! This rye bread is good. 108 00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:56,327 Maybe I should text "I love you" to her. 109 00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:58,562 Is that romantic? Or is that shit, 110 00:04:58,607 --> 00:05:02,316 in the same way that Steve Wright's Sunday Love Songs is so hugely shit? 111 00:05:02,367 --> 00:05:04,358 - Not hungry? - Mm? 112 00:05:04,407 --> 00:05:06,841 Oh... God, yes! 113 00:05:06,887 --> 00:05:08,445 OK, I'm doing it now. Let's roll. 114 00:05:08,487 --> 00:05:10,364 Bread really is excellent, isn't it? 115 00:05:10,407 --> 00:05:13,001 Nice and... dense. I love you very much. 116 00:05:13,047 --> 00:05:16,676 Mark actually got some bread recently that was made from spelt flour. 117 00:05:16,727 --> 00:05:18,524 The best spelt-flour bread I've ever had 118 00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:21,877 was when I lived down in Hastings, from lmpson's. 119 00:05:21,927 --> 00:05:25,124 OK... Interesting response. Did she hear? 120 00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:28,921 Maybe it went in anyway. Like when you slip tablets into your dog's food. 121 00:05:28,967 --> 00:05:31,322 Jeremy, I love... 122 00:05:31,367 --> 00:05:34,006 that you love me. But it's complicated. 123 00:05:34,047 --> 00:05:35,878 I'm a complicated person. 124 00:05:35,927 --> 00:05:37,883 And, um, I just need to... 125 00:05:37,927 --> 00:05:39,121 Sorry... 126 00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:42,603 No. Yes. That's good. Great. 127 00:05:42,647 --> 00:05:45,798 Just to be clear... you don't love me back? 128 00:05:45,847 --> 00:05:50,318 It's really complicated. It's like... a Rubik's Cube... or something. 129 00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:53,564 Do you think I'm vain? Some people think I'm quite vain. 130 00:05:53,607 --> 00:05:55,404 Or lazy? Do I talk too much? 131 00:05:55,447 --> 00:05:57,836 Am I talking too much now? Shall I shut up? 132 00:05:57,887 --> 00:06:00,082 - None of those things. - I'm selfish, aren't I? 133 00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,116 No! 134 00:06:02,247 --> 00:06:05,045 Well, maybe a little. Really, though, 135 00:06:05,087 --> 00:06:08,477 I think you're one of the best people I've ever known. 136 00:06:08,527 --> 00:06:09,755 Got it? 137 00:06:09,807 --> 00:06:11,240 Got it. 138 00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:13,801 I'm a huge selfish bastard. 139 00:06:13,847 --> 00:06:17,283 I knew I should have gone down on her for ten minutes instead of the set-menu five. 140 00:06:17,327 --> 00:06:19,887 À la cartel I should have gone à la cartel 141 00:06:21,487 --> 00:06:24,160 MARK: Pick your feet up, Jeremy. JEREMY: Morning. 142 00:06:24,207 --> 00:06:26,118 Are those the same clothes you had on yesterday? 143 00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:28,283 Yeah. I didn't really go to bed. 144 00:06:28,327 --> 00:06:31,683 I just sort of listened to some music and did quite a bit of crying? 145 00:06:31,727 --> 00:06:34,002 MARK: Oh, dear. He's having an episode. 146 00:06:34,047 --> 00:06:36,607 Should I put my hand on his arm? 147 00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:38,683 No. That sets a precedent. 148 00:06:38,727 --> 00:06:41,366 - Right. I'm off to Hastings. - Hastings. 149 00:06:41,407 --> 00:06:43,921 Yeah. There's a baker's there that does Elena's favourite bread. 150 00:06:43,967 --> 00:06:45,923 Made of spelt flour. I'm getting her some. 151 00:06:45,967 --> 00:06:47,958 You're going to buy bread from Hastings? 152 00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:49,884 Yeah. It's a selfless act. 153 00:06:49,927 --> 00:06:53,636 I mean, Hastings is, like, a really long, long way away. 154 00:06:53,687 --> 00:06:55,245 It's in Kent or somewhere stupid. 155 00:06:55,287 --> 00:06:56,276 MARK: Sussex. 156 00:06:56,327 --> 00:06:57,919 I'm trying to do less selfish things... 157 00:06:57,967 --> 00:06:59,161 MARK: Fewer. 158 00:06:59,207 --> 00:07:02,597 ...and more altruistic stuff, to prove I'm worthy of Elena's love. 159 00:07:02,647 --> 00:07:05,480 I'm worried you might be going a... little bit mad. 160 00:07:05,527 --> 00:07:07,165 You've obviously never been in love, Mark. 161 00:07:07,207 --> 00:07:10,643 Yes, I have! How dare you say I've never been in love? 162 00:07:10,687 --> 00:07:12,359 Yeah, got to go. See you later. 163 00:07:12,407 --> 00:07:16,195 Just because I've never been to Zimbabwe to buy someone a fucking cake! 164 00:07:17,447 --> 00:07:20,644 MARK: Lovely. Getting my computer fixed for free 165 00:07:20,687 --> 00:07:22,962 and sneaking a look at Dobby's bum. 166 00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,281 The dream ticket. 167 00:07:24,327 --> 00:07:26,079 Tea for the worker! 168 00:07:26,127 --> 00:07:28,721 - You done me 12 sugars? - I done your 12 sugars, love! 169 00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:32,601 We're banteringl The sign that everything's absolutely fine again. 170 00:07:32,647 --> 00:07:36,435 Afraid your PC's screwed, Mark. The hard disk's firmware is corrupted. 171 00:07:36,487 --> 00:07:42,005 Arses! I need to do a CV for this shit job Sophie wants me to apply for. 172 00:07:42,047 --> 00:07:45,119 Anonymous desk flesh. Faceless office droid. 173 00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,044 (ROBOT VOICE) MarkBot 3000. 174 00:07:47,087 --> 00:07:48,964 Yeah! 175 00:07:49,007 --> 00:07:51,726 Look, I'd better go, but come down to my history walks place tomorrow, 176 00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:53,166 you can borrow Jan's spare laptop. 177 00:07:53,207 --> 00:07:55,323 Thanks. How... how's that going? 178 00:07:55,367 --> 00:07:58,962 IT is IT, Mark. Doesn't matter where I'm working, 179 00:07:59,007 --> 00:08:01,999 I'm still on my knees with dickwads perving at my arse. 180 00:08:02,047 --> 00:08:03,924 - Oh. - It's not perving, it's appreciating. 181 00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:06,925 Actually, though, that's a job you should do. 182 00:08:06,967 --> 00:08:09,879 History walks. That would be a great job for you. 183 00:08:09,927 --> 00:08:11,565 Talking about history? 184 00:08:11,607 --> 00:08:14,917 lt... it's not possible. I'd enjoy it. I'd... I'd actually enjoy working. 185 00:08:14,967 --> 00:08:17,322 That's not something that could realistically happen. 186 00:08:17,367 --> 00:08:20,518 You just don't want it to be something that could realistically happen. 187 00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,000 You don't want to be happy. 188 00:08:22,047 --> 00:08:25,596 It makes you worried, cos you think it'll end and you'll be more miserable. 189 00:08:25,647 --> 00:08:27,877 Pop psychology, but pretty much on the money. 190 00:08:27,927 --> 00:08:30,441 Look, I'll get us some free tickets, 191 00:08:30,487 --> 00:08:32,523 and you can see one of our guys in action, yeah? 192 00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:33,886 Yeah... OK. 193 00:08:33,927 --> 00:08:35,679 Bye, Mark. 194 00:08:35,727 --> 00:08:39,606 Good old Dobby. The anxious, self-hating man's crumpet. 195 00:08:39,647 --> 00:08:43,162 But probably best if I never, ever say that to her. 196 00:08:44,447 --> 00:08:47,564 I got you your favourite bread. Impson's bread. 197 00:08:47,607 --> 00:08:49,404 That's lovely. Thanks. 198 00:08:49,447 --> 00:08:52,803 And I got you some truffle oil to drizzle on it. Everyone's into truffle oil... 199 00:08:52,847 --> 00:08:56,362 Jamie, Nigella, those two men who look like burglars on MasterChef. 200 00:08:56,407 --> 00:08:57,726 Wine? 201 00:08:57,767 --> 00:08:59,997 - Sure. - I've been to fucking Hastingsl 202 00:09:00,807 --> 00:09:02,240 In Kentl 203 00:09:02,287 --> 00:09:03,686 How was work? 204 00:09:03,727 --> 00:09:06,161 I'm going to lose my job, and everything has turned to shit. 205 00:09:06,207 --> 00:09:09,836 The IT guy at work has found some... 206 00:09:09,887 --> 00:09:14,244 bad stuff that I've been... downloading on my hard drive. 207 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,800 Bad stuff? 208 00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,724 Do you mean... porn? 209 00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:18,995 Horny porno? 210 00:09:19,047 --> 00:09:21,117 - Yeah. - You watch porn at work? 211 00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:22,600 Now and then. 212 00:09:22,647 --> 00:09:25,241 I didn't tell you, cos I thought it might bother you. 213 00:09:25,287 --> 00:09:27,596 Course it doesn't bother me! It's hot! 214 00:09:27,647 --> 00:09:29,603 Do you... 215 00:09:29,647 --> 00:09:31,956 you know... while you're watching? 216 00:09:32,007 --> 00:09:34,475 - Masturbate? - (SNIGGERS) God, this is great! 217 00:09:34,527 --> 00:09:37,166 What am I going to do? They're going to sack me. 218 00:09:37,207 --> 00:09:38,799 Look, I'll think of a plan to sort this out. 219 00:09:38,847 --> 00:09:42,726 But, first, let's get you some lmpson's bread and odd oil. 220 00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:45,964 That's really sweet that you went to Hastings to get me some bread. 221 00:09:46,007 --> 00:09:50,239 That's the best thing in the worldl 222 00:09:51,847 --> 00:09:53,041 So... 223 00:09:53,087 --> 00:09:55,078 So. Yes. 224 00:09:55,127 --> 00:09:57,083 Shit. Is this a good idea? 225 00:09:57,127 --> 00:10:00,358 When Meat Loaf sang, "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, " 226 00:10:00,407 --> 00:10:02,045 maybe this is what he meant. 227 00:10:02,087 --> 00:10:04,237 Um... I am quite busy, so... 228 00:10:04,287 --> 00:10:05,515 Right. 229 00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:07,603 I'm going with the plan. Come on, plan. 230 00:10:07,647 --> 00:10:12,675 So, as I was saying, er, I came in here to collect Elena, and... you saw me. 231 00:10:12,727 --> 00:10:14,365 Mm-hm. 232 00:10:14,407 --> 00:10:17,922 But then she had to go and make a call. Elsewhere. 233 00:10:17,967 --> 00:10:23,246 And it was at that point that I then... downloaded, and watched, 234 00:10:23,287 --> 00:10:28,042 the... inappropriate material that was found on her computer. 235 00:10:28,087 --> 00:10:29,725 You did? 236 00:10:29,767 --> 00:10:31,359 Yep. I get bored very quickly. 237 00:10:31,407 --> 00:10:35,798 But Elena had nothing to do with it, and I am... sorrowful. 238 00:10:35,847 --> 00:10:37,405 Payload delivered. 239 00:10:37,447 --> 00:10:41,076 - Right. - Good. So... that's all cleared up. Great. 240 00:10:41,127 --> 00:10:42,526 Er, not really. 241 00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:48,642 I'm not entirely sure I... believe that happened, Mr Usborne. 242 00:10:48,687 --> 00:10:50,803 Why would you do that, here? 243 00:10:50,847 --> 00:10:53,042 Shit. OK. Time to go nuclear. 244 00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:56,124 Look, Peter... the truth is... 245 00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:58,442 I'm... a sex addict. 246 00:10:58,487 --> 00:11:03,686 I... wank 10, maybe... 12 times a day. 247 00:11:03,727 --> 00:11:04,842 12 times? 248 00:11:04,887 --> 00:11:06,605 Yes. Or more. 249 00:11:06,647 --> 00:11:08,638 It's... a disease. 250 00:11:09,687 --> 00:11:11,040 A... wanking disease. 251 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:12,440 One more for luck? 252 00:11:12,487 --> 00:11:14,284 I have a wanking disease. 253 00:11:14,327 --> 00:11:17,399 Look, I like Elena, a lot, 254 00:11:17,447 --> 00:11:20,280 and I really don't want to lose her. So... 255 00:11:20,327 --> 00:11:22,283 it would be very convenient 256 00:11:22,327 --> 00:11:25,842 if I, say... had doubts about my doubts? 257 00:11:27,247 --> 00:11:28,760 Right... 258 00:11:28,807 --> 00:11:30,206 Sorry, no, I'm not with you. 259 00:11:30,247 --> 00:11:31,999 If I say I believe you? 260 00:11:32,047 --> 00:11:33,605 Brilliant! 261 00:11:33,647 --> 00:11:36,639 So... she's got away with it? Excellent. OK. Thanks, dude. 262 00:11:36,687 --> 00:11:40,282 My genius plan has worked. I'm golden with Elena now. 263 00:11:40,327 --> 00:11:41,965 I took a wank bullet for her. 264 00:11:42,007 --> 00:11:44,077 This day may become special for us. 265 00:11:44,127 --> 00:11:47,324 Our internet wank blame anniversary day. 266 00:11:47,367 --> 00:11:49,801 MAN: They mount the ladder, these traitors, 267 00:11:49,847 --> 00:11:51,803 these thieves and cutpurses... 268 00:11:51,847 --> 00:11:54,884 He's good, isn't he - Michael? He's one of our regulars. 269 00:11:54,927 --> 00:11:58,363 He does this one, Georgian Smithfield and a Ripper walk. 270 00:11:58,407 --> 00:12:02,320 Of course he does. Whitechapel is almost entirely made up of Ripper walks. 271 00:12:02,367 --> 00:12:05,677 It's a shame they weren't all around in 1888 - they'd have probably caught him. 272 00:12:05,727 --> 00:12:08,161 I love that she knows it was 1888. 273 00:12:08,207 --> 00:12:10,926 So few women these days are Ripper-literate. 274 00:12:10,967 --> 00:12:12,719 Quiet. Can you hear the cracks 275 00:12:12,767 --> 00:12:15,361 of their lily-white necks as they swing from the crossbeam? 276 00:12:17,407 --> 00:12:19,125 Thanks very much, folks. 277 00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:21,158 (TUTS) He think's he's Dick Turpinl 278 00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:24,677 He's a highwayman all right, holding up the carriage of history. 279 00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:27,366 MARK: That didn't happen. He's playing fast and loose with the truth there. 280 00:12:27,407 --> 00:12:31,480 The only public executions during this period were at Tyburn and Newgate. 281 00:12:31,527 --> 00:12:33,006 He's zhooshing it right up. 282 00:12:33,047 --> 00:12:35,720 He's Zhoosh Michael. Making history fun. 283 00:12:35,767 --> 00:12:38,156 Why does everything have to be fun to be worthwhile? 284 00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:40,482 "Crick and Watson have discovered the double helix." 285 00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:42,085 "Did they do it on a skateboard?" "No." 286 00:12:42,127 --> 00:12:43,924 "Well, fuck off, then, I'm not interested." 287 00:12:43,967 --> 00:12:45,286 Hope you liked it, guys. 288 00:12:45,327 --> 00:12:48,444 I'm... I'm not entirely sure you were correct there, about the hangings. 289 00:12:48,487 --> 00:12:51,763 Frankly, if it's a choice between the truth and the myth, I say print the myth. 290 00:12:51,807 --> 00:12:54,275 - "Print the legend." - Exactly! It's only history. 291 00:12:54,327 --> 00:12:56,841 Um, I... I assume you're an out-of-work actor, 292 00:12:56,887 --> 00:12:58,525 like they have at Hampton Court. 293 00:12:58,567 --> 00:13:02,321 An episode of The Bill and then it's nine months as Sir Thomas More in a maze. 294 00:13:02,367 --> 00:13:05,564 No, it's my living. Two tours a day, the rest of the time's your own. 295 00:13:05,607 --> 00:13:07,996 This morning I went to the National Portrait Gallery, 296 00:13:08,047 --> 00:13:10,720 big lunch and a snooze. Now I'm off for a pint. 297 00:13:10,767 --> 00:13:11,995 OK. Wow. 298 00:13:12,047 --> 00:13:14,436 Museum, lunch and a snooze. 299 00:13:14,487 --> 00:13:17,718 Museum, lunch and a snooze. The big three. 300 00:13:17,767 --> 00:13:21,237 Dobby, do you think you could recommend me for a trial walk? 301 00:13:21,287 --> 00:13:23,721 I do have that power, yes. 302 00:13:23,767 --> 00:13:26,964 I'll have a word with Jan. She'll like you, you've got tidy hair. 303 00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:30,886 Hahl 30 years of ignoring fashion finally pays off. 304 00:13:32,487 --> 00:13:34,318 Horse racing's just a freak show, isn't it? 305 00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:36,198 "Oh, let's put loads of tiny, 306 00:13:36,247 --> 00:13:39,717 "seven-stone men on horses and make them race each other." It's disgusting. 307 00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:41,246 They don't make them race. 308 00:13:41,287 --> 00:13:43,562 Oh, right, they enjoy it, do they, the tiny men? 309 00:13:43,607 --> 00:13:45,962 Like the elephant enjoys doing the ballet moves? 310 00:13:46,007 --> 00:13:48,840 It's exploitation, Mark. What are you doing? 311 00:13:48,887 --> 00:13:53,005 Research for my history walk. "A Mercantile History of the East End." 312 00:13:53,047 --> 00:13:57,518 I'm excited, Jez. Genuinely excited that this could be my actual job. 313 00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:59,762 Although... there's the Sophie obstacle. 314 00:13:59,807 --> 00:14:01,604 Mm. The speed bump. 315 00:14:01,647 --> 00:14:03,160 "Slow down, children ahead." 316 00:14:03,207 --> 00:14:06,244 Exactly. She'll want me to take that loss adjuster's job, 317 00:14:06,287 --> 00:14:09,962 so I can pay for her to give birth on a trampoline made of marshmallows 318 00:14:10,007 --> 00:14:12,157 in a reconstruction of Greenham Common. 319 00:14:12,207 --> 00:14:16,086 Oh, fuck her. This is your dream, man. We're both living the dream. 320 00:14:16,127 --> 00:14:18,721 I'm in love with Elena, you're in love with the past-oes. 321 00:14:18,767 --> 00:14:20,564 - Past-oes? - The... people from the past. 322 00:14:20,607 --> 00:14:21,960 The olden-days-ers. 323 00:14:22,007 --> 00:14:24,760 Right, I'm off downstairs. 324 00:14:24,807 --> 00:14:27,082 Got to be in for the Ocado man at Elena's. 325 00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:29,277 Then I'm picking up her dry cleaning. 326 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:32,080 You're sure she's not... exploiting you at all, Jez? 327 00:14:32,127 --> 00:14:34,357 You're not being treated like a... love jockey? 328 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,079 No, this is all voluntary. 329 00:14:36,127 --> 00:14:38,004 My job is being in love with Elena. 330 00:14:38,047 --> 00:14:41,005 And it's a great job. And she's almost definitely in love with me now, 331 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:42,605 after I took the wank bullet. 332 00:14:42,647 --> 00:14:44,956 Yeah... didn't you feel at all embarrassed, 333 00:14:45,007 --> 00:14:49,000 telling a total stranger that you were some kind of... extremist masturbator? 334 00:14:49,047 --> 00:14:51,800 I did feel a bit... humiliated and awful. 335 00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:53,200 But it's worth it for Elena. 336 00:14:53,247 --> 00:14:57,479 Oh, and I saw the porn she was looking at. Man, it's hot. 337 00:14:57,527 --> 00:15:00,724 I mean, she's got great taste. It's the most fantastic porn I've ever seen. 338 00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:02,359 Isn't it the usual... 339 00:15:02,407 --> 00:15:06,286 dead-eyed men fucking dead-eyed women in a desperate world of pain? 340 00:15:06,327 --> 00:15:08,557 No, it's great. Like everything she's into. 341 00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:12,236 You know, girl on girl... on another girl... with a guy... in a warehouse. 342 00:15:12,287 --> 00:15:15,643 Wow. Four-way sex on a pallet of dishwasher salt. 343 00:15:15,687 --> 00:15:18,485 You're right, that is about the most erotic thing I can imagine(!) 344 00:15:20,927 --> 00:15:23,919 I've been thinking, Mark, since you phoned. Having a big old think. 345 00:15:23,967 --> 00:15:28,324 A big old placenta-befuddled think. Here comes the marshmallow trampoline. 346 00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:30,597 I don't want you to resent our child. 347 00:15:30,647 --> 00:15:34,322 And when our child looks at you, I want them to see a happy, contented role model. 348 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,962 Not some grey-faced, dull-eyed drone who's hated his job and his life for years. 349 00:15:38,007 --> 00:15:39,235 Must ring Dad. 350 00:15:39,287 --> 00:15:42,723 So I think you should... go for it. The walking tour thing. 351 00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:46,203 Forget the loss adjusters, just... live the dream and just bloody do it. 352 00:15:46,247 --> 00:15:50,126 Shit, there's nothing stopping me nowl But can I go through with it? 353 00:15:50,167 --> 00:15:53,762 Maybe it's better off staying as a nice idea, like the private finance initiative. 354 00:15:55,367 --> 00:15:57,005 MARK: This really has to be good now. 355 00:15:57,047 --> 00:16:00,244 I'm... I'm about to live the dream, but I'm scared it'll be that dream 356 00:16:00,287 --> 00:16:03,484 where I'm naked on a toilet outside Carpetright. 357 00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,358 It'll work, don't worry. 358 00:16:05,407 --> 00:16:07,841 This is it, though, isn't it? My big chance. 359 00:16:07,887 --> 00:16:10,606 I can start again and do something interesting 360 00:16:10,647 --> 00:16:12,683 after years of horrific dullness. 361 00:16:12,727 --> 00:16:14,126 Like Sister Wendy. 362 00:16:14,167 --> 00:16:15,725 You need a bit of zhoosh, though. 363 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:18,565 Not sell out, just maybe a costume or something? 364 00:16:18,607 --> 00:16:21,041 What about doing it as Sherlock Holmes? 365 00:16:21,087 --> 00:16:22,998 Well, Holmes is certainly the guv'nor. 366 00:16:23,047 --> 00:16:25,766 But... I don't think I really want a costume. 367 00:16:25,807 --> 00:16:27,206 You could say "elementary" a lot. 368 00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:28,805 Yeah, he... he never really said that. 369 00:16:28,847 --> 00:16:30,599 Yes, he did. Everyone knows that. 370 00:16:30,647 --> 00:16:33,002 - It's elementary. - Shut up. 371 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,919 You could just have the pipe. 372 00:16:35,967 --> 00:16:40,483 Yes... Should of course be a black clay pipe rather than the mythical Meerschaum. 373 00:16:40,527 --> 00:16:44,122 Yeah, but you'd look wrong without a proper Sherlock Holmes pipe. 374 00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:46,237 An incorrect Sherlock Holmes pipe. 375 00:16:46,287 --> 00:16:49,563 Mark, are you actually Sherlock Holmes? 376 00:16:49,607 --> 00:16:51,916 No. Look, I'll... I'll think about the pipe. 377 00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:54,606 But I just don't want to dilute the content too much. 378 00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:56,842 You need a USP, and that's mine. 379 00:16:56,887 --> 00:17:01,039 No frills, no wigs, no spin - just telling it like it was. 380 00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:03,760 Right, I'm off. Need to take this. 381 00:17:03,807 --> 00:17:04,842 Shit. Have I...? 382 00:17:04,887 --> 00:17:08,038 I don't think I've cleared off the... thing I was watching. 383 00:17:08,087 --> 00:17:11,523 Actually, Dobby, would... would it be all right if I... hung onto that for a bit? 384 00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:14,206 Sorry, Mark. Jan wants me to install some extra memory. 385 00:17:14,247 --> 00:17:16,966 See you at the walk tomorrow, Captain History! 386 00:17:17,007 --> 00:17:20,158 Shit. If she finds it, I could always say I look at porn in an ironic way, 387 00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,118 to look at the moustaches and wallpaper. 388 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:23,805 That's the usual get-out, isn't it? 389 00:17:23,847 --> 00:17:25,997 Jez, mate. Big problem. 390 00:17:26,047 --> 00:17:28,163 - Balls again? - No, not my balls. 391 00:17:28,207 --> 00:17:33,520 Dobby's taken back her boss's laptop, and... I don't think I cleaned off the... 392 00:17:33,567 --> 00:17:35,444 that porn you recommended. 393 00:17:35,487 --> 00:17:38,081 I didn't recommend it. I'm not Time Out. 394 00:17:38,127 --> 00:17:40,436 - Yes, you did. You gave it five stars. - And you didn't wipe it? 395 00:17:40,487 --> 00:17:42,159 I don't remember. I might have. 396 00:17:42,207 --> 00:17:46,246 Always wipe, Mark. "Discharge your pipe, then have a wipe." That's the rhyme. 397 00:17:46,287 --> 00:17:51,156 Anyway, I... I was wondering if... if you could say, if Dobby does find it, 398 00:17:51,207 --> 00:17:54,244 that it was... you who was looking at the porn? 399 00:17:54,287 --> 00:17:55,686 No. 400 00:17:55,727 --> 00:18:00,278 Oh... come on, Jez. It's going really well again with Dobby. I... I don't need this. 401 00:18:00,327 --> 00:18:04,240 And, Christ, if Jan finds out I'm dead, tidy hair or no tidy hair. 402 00:18:04,287 --> 00:18:05,879 I just want you to... 403 00:18:05,927 --> 00:18:07,883 take a wank bullet for me. 404 00:18:07,927 --> 00:18:10,964 I don't want to take another wank bullet. What am I, some kind of wank shield? 405 00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,157 Oh, right. I see. 406 00:18:13,207 --> 00:18:16,404 So you'll take a wank bullet for Elena, but you won't for me. 407 00:18:16,447 --> 00:18:21,475 Ten minutes with her is worth more than ten years with me. 408 00:18:21,527 --> 00:18:22,721 Well... 409 00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:25,600 I think we can count our friendship pretty much over from now on. 410 00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:26,875 Oh, don't be a cock. 411 00:18:26,927 --> 00:18:30,681 I'm not a cock. But the cock has certainly crowed. 412 00:18:30,727 --> 00:18:32,365 Thrice. 413 00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:35,483 When? What are you talking about? 414 00:18:35,527 --> 00:18:39,566 It means you've betrayed... It's... it's the New Testament. 415 00:18:39,607 --> 00:18:41,120 You cock. 416 00:18:43,887 --> 00:18:46,447 There. I got you this. Emergency pipe. 417 00:18:46,487 --> 00:18:48,239 In case you need to zhoosh it up. 418 00:18:48,287 --> 00:18:51,404 Thanks. I... I think it is pretty zhooshy, though. 419 00:18:51,447 --> 00:18:55,599 Dobby, er... about Jan's laptop that... that you lent me. 420 00:18:55,647 --> 00:18:58,639 Do you mean the "jazz movies" that were on there? 421 00:18:58,687 --> 00:19:00,359 Oh, you... you've found those. 422 00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:02,796 Yeah, well, you didn't delete them from Temporary Internet Files. 423 00:19:02,847 --> 00:19:05,042 They didn't have to be, like, the Holmes of porn. 424 00:19:05,087 --> 00:19:08,159 Don't worry, I've got rid of them. You should have told me, Mark. 425 00:19:08,207 --> 00:19:09,799 I know. I'm... I'm really sorry. 426 00:19:09,847 --> 00:19:12,042 Look, you're a man. Men like to look at 427 00:19:12,087 --> 00:19:15,124 troubling images of heroin addicts showing their genitals for money. 428 00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:17,635 That's hard-wired, like spatial awareness. 429 00:19:17,687 --> 00:19:23,842 I mean, it is disgusting and shameful, but, you know, so's the textile industry. 430 00:19:23,887 --> 00:19:25,639 Right. Thanks. 431 00:19:25,687 --> 00:19:29,839 God, you're great. I would definitely go to Hastings to get bread for you. 432 00:19:29,887 --> 00:19:32,447 Fuck, I'd even pop over to Ostend for waffles. 433 00:19:34,047 --> 00:19:35,958 MARK: I've lost three already. 434 00:19:36,007 --> 00:19:37,998 Three have wandered off. 435 00:19:38,047 --> 00:19:40,561 I don't think they went for the Huguenots at all. 436 00:19:40,607 --> 00:19:46,125 And there's Jan, noting down my failures and mistakes and idiocy for posterity, 437 00:19:46,167 --> 00:19:49,045 like an evil Boswell to my shit Dr Johnson. 438 00:19:49,087 --> 00:19:50,964 Right. So... how's it all going? 439 00:19:51,007 --> 00:19:52,838 Of course it's not going well. 440 00:19:52,887 --> 00:19:56,402 I've got an audience of six, and three of them look like sex tourists. 441 00:19:56,447 --> 00:19:58,961 Right, well, this former Huguenot chapel 442 00:19:59,007 --> 00:20:01,919 was actually converted into a synagogue in 1870 443 00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:04,845 for Jewish people of Dutch descent. 444 00:20:04,887 --> 00:20:08,038 Does anyone know what the trades were that the Dutch Jews were mainly involved in? 445 00:20:08,087 --> 00:20:10,920 Where did Jack the Ripper kill his first victim? 446 00:20:10,967 --> 00:20:12,480 Oh, God, a hecklerl 447 00:20:12,527 --> 00:20:14,040 No-one? 448 00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:17,443 Well, actually it was the cigar and diamond-cutting industries, 449 00:20:17,487 --> 00:20:19,205 leading a contemporary joker to... 450 00:20:19,247 --> 00:20:21,556 Was... was it near here that he killed them? 451 00:20:21,607 --> 00:20:23,882 This is primarily Mercantile History, I'm afraid, sir. 452 00:20:23,927 --> 00:20:25,838 So he didn't kill anyone near here? 453 00:20:25,887 --> 00:20:27,764 Yes. Yes... he did. You're right, he did. 454 00:20:27,807 --> 00:20:30,116 Just over there, just outside Jessops, the camera shop. 455 00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:33,318 You'd have thought they'd have got a picture. Sorry, have you even paid?! 456 00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:34,880 Public highway, I'll stand where I like. 457 00:20:34,927 --> 00:20:37,202 Right, well, you're... stealing a walk. 458 00:20:37,247 --> 00:20:40,205 Everybody else here realises you're stealing this walk. 459 00:20:40,247 --> 00:20:42,283 Not worth paying for anyway. You're shit. 460 00:20:42,327 --> 00:20:46,843 This is a disaster. This is a massive pedestrian car crash. 461 00:20:46,887 --> 00:20:48,559 Sorry, historical rigour. 462 00:20:48,607 --> 00:20:50,165 Sorry, past-oes. 463 00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:54,997 Right... Well, even though our friend there was, in many ways, a thief, 464 00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:57,925 he has brought me on to the next stage of the tour. 465 00:20:57,967 --> 00:21:00,686 Because, yes, ladies and gentlemen... 466 00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:03,844 the game's afoot! Saucy Jack is on the loose! 467 00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:06,959 His victims lie strewn all over Whitechapel. 468 00:21:07,007 --> 00:21:09,475 We must track this villain. But how? 469 00:21:09,527 --> 00:21:12,325 Well, that's... elementary! 470 00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:13,686 (CHUCKLING) 471 00:21:13,727 --> 00:21:16,480 I've sold out. A little bit of me has died. 472 00:21:16,527 --> 00:21:19,917 But you know what? A lot of me doesn't give a shit. 473 00:21:21,207 --> 00:21:22,560 So... Mark. 474 00:21:22,607 --> 00:21:24,962 Obviously, a little dry at the start. 475 00:21:25,007 --> 00:21:26,565 Wee bit Dusty Bin? 476 00:21:26,607 --> 00:21:28,723 I don't like you, Jan. 477 00:21:28,767 --> 00:21:31,645 But you really pulled it off towards the end. 478 00:21:31,687 --> 00:21:33,917 For a first-timer, you really impressed me. 479 00:21:33,967 --> 00:21:36,117 - Wow. Thank you. - Good old lovely Jan. 480 00:21:36,167 --> 00:21:38,840 So, I'll... be in touch about organising some more tours. 481 00:21:38,887 --> 00:21:40,605 That would be marvellous. 482 00:21:40,647 --> 00:21:44,765 Oh... there was a file you left on the computer that you borrowed from us. 483 00:21:44,807 --> 00:21:45,762 - Shit. - Was there? 484 00:21:45,807 --> 00:21:47,604 Yes. 485 00:21:47,647 --> 00:21:49,444 I had a look at it. I'm sorry, 486 00:21:49,487 --> 00:21:53,924 but it was an application from you for a full-time job with a loss adjusters? 487 00:21:53,967 --> 00:21:57,642 I just wanted to make sure that you would actually be available to work for us. 488 00:21:57,687 --> 00:22:00,804 Yes, I'd... I'd absolutely be available, Jan. 489 00:22:00,847 --> 00:22:04,522 The loss adjusters application was just insurance. If you'll pardon the pun. 490 00:22:04,567 --> 00:22:06,205 It was actually quite a good pun. 491 00:22:06,247 --> 00:22:08,522 Is it over? How did he do? 492 00:22:08,567 --> 00:22:10,080 Shit, then shitter, but then good. 493 00:22:10,127 --> 00:22:13,164 Great. I was feeling a bit guilty about not coming. 494 00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:16,358 I think I've been taking Mark a bit for granted since I started seeing Elena. 495 00:22:16,407 --> 00:22:19,205 You know, it's been, "Elena this, Elena that," all the time. 496 00:22:19,247 --> 00:22:21,477 Elena, Elena, Elena. And that's wrong. 497 00:22:21,527 --> 00:22:24,439 Anyway, Elena said I should come and make it up with him, so... here I am. 498 00:22:24,487 --> 00:22:27,047 Right. Well, he's just talking to Jan at the moment. 499 00:22:27,087 --> 00:22:30,602 So I can... delete that file on the laptop, then? 500 00:22:30,647 --> 00:22:31,762 Yes, please. 501 00:22:31,807 --> 00:22:36,039 File? Ah... That wasn't actually Mark's fault, that file. 502 00:22:36,087 --> 00:22:39,557 No, Jeremy. You... you don't need to do this. Really. 503 00:22:39,607 --> 00:22:41,996 The porn on your computer, Jan, 504 00:22:42,047 --> 00:22:45,722 the hardcore pornographic sex film on your laptop... 505 00:22:45,767 --> 00:22:49,760 That was me. I'm fundamentally a sex addict. 506 00:22:49,807 --> 00:22:53,356 I wank... 10, maybe 12 times a day. 507 00:22:53,407 --> 00:22:56,558 It's a disease. A wanking disease. 508 00:22:56,607 --> 00:23:00,441 I done the downloading and then I done a wank. 509 00:23:00,487 --> 00:23:03,843 I... I'm so sorry, Jan. This won't be a problem, will it? 510 00:23:03,887 --> 00:23:06,401 Um, I... I'll, er... 511 00:23:06,447 --> 00:23:08,642 give you a ring, Mark. 512 00:23:08,687 --> 00:23:12,521 MARK: Superb. That's the single nicest thing Jeremy has ever done for me, 513 00:23:12,567 --> 00:23:15,001 and it's completely ruined my life. 514 00:23:15,047 --> 00:23:17,117 You lovely... shithead. 515 00:23:17,167 --> 00:23:22,799 516 00:23:22,847 --> 00:23:25,964 517 00:23:26,007 --> 00:23:31,320