1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:02,287 --> 00:00:06,246 2 00:00:06,287 --> 00:00:09,279 3 00:00:09,327 --> 00:00:13,843 4 00:00:18,607 --> 00:00:21,838 Why are you buying cat food? It's Sophie and dips night. 5 00:00:21,887 --> 00:00:23,639 Just cos it comes in a silver pouch, 6 00:00:23,687 --> 00:00:25,245 doesn't mean it's a dip, Jeremy. 7 00:00:26,047 --> 00:00:28,356 Oh, my God! There she is. 8 00:00:28,407 --> 00:00:30,682 Elena from the flats. 9 00:00:30,727 --> 00:00:32,285 She's so gorgeous. 10 00:00:32,327 --> 00:00:35,125 Right. Yes, she is attractive. 11 00:00:35,167 --> 00:00:39,843 Although, brown rice and Pop Tarts, camomile tea and economy vodka. 12 00:00:39,887 --> 00:00:42,401 That's a car-crash of a shopping basket. 13 00:00:43,327 --> 00:00:46,763 God, I really, really, really, really hope the baby's not mine. 14 00:00:46,807 --> 00:00:49,116 The last thing I need is an infant cramping my style. 15 00:00:49,167 --> 00:00:51,806 Me, too. I guess it's 50/50. 16 00:00:53,047 --> 00:00:54,036 What? 17 00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:55,122 Is it really 50/50? 18 00:00:55,167 --> 00:00:57,635 Or is it, in fact, much more likely that my guys 19 00:00:57,687 --> 00:00:59,245 will have won the sperm war? 20 00:00:59,287 --> 00:01:01,960 - What? - Mine are like soldiers of fortune. 21 00:01:02,007 --> 00:01:03,235 The Scuba Squadron. 22 00:01:03,287 --> 00:01:04,845 The Scuba Squadron? 23 00:01:04,887 --> 00:01:07,196 Yours are probably just glad of the practice... 24 00:01:07,247 --> 00:01:09,681 "Yay! We're out and we're not in the wank flannel." 25 00:01:09,727 --> 00:01:11,922 Mine are much more, "OK, guys, here we go again. 26 00:01:11,967 --> 00:01:14,276 "This is the drop zone, you know the drill." Suave. 27 00:01:14,327 --> 00:01:17,637 He actually thinks he has suave spermatozoa. 28 00:01:17,687 --> 00:01:19,405 He characterises his sperms. 29 00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:23,156 Right. I'm going to make a move. I'm off for a nice bit of Laser Commando. 30 00:01:23,207 --> 00:01:25,801 I'll see you for the pain-fest later. 31 00:01:25,847 --> 00:01:28,042 Right. Laser Commando. See you later. 32 00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:29,600 What's he really doing? 33 00:01:29,647 --> 00:01:31,205 UKIP meeting? Gay sauna? 34 00:01:31,247 --> 00:01:32,726 Maiming farm animals? 35 00:01:32,767 --> 00:01:34,803 Don't ask, don't tell. 36 00:01:36,887 --> 00:01:39,321 MARK: This is pretty desperate. It doesn't feel right, 37 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,005 being a laser commando in cords. 38 00:01:41,047 --> 00:01:42,605 I thought there'd be jumpsuits. 39 00:01:42,647 --> 00:01:44,478 There are jumpsuits on the website. 40 00:01:44,527 --> 00:01:48,122 I suppose I'd better nail this motherfucker. 41 00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:49,486 COMPUTER VOICE: You are hit. Game over! 42 00:01:49,527 --> 00:01:50,516 Sorry! 43 00:01:50,567 --> 00:01:53,161 Maybe this is what it'll be like after the apocalypse, 44 00:01:53,207 --> 00:01:56,165 wandering around depressed, shooting children for fun? 45 00:01:56,207 --> 00:01:58,516 Dobby! I had no idea you came here! 46 00:01:58,567 --> 00:02:00,637 Every other Sunday when live-action role-play's off-season. 47 00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:02,996 - It's cool, isn't it? - This is a nice surprise. 48 00:02:03,047 --> 00:02:05,800 I haven't seen you for ages! Not since JLB closed. 49 00:02:05,847 --> 00:02:08,680 I haven't exactly been in a cave playing gin rummy 50 00:02:08,727 --> 00:02:10,445 with Bin Laden and Salinger. 51 00:02:10,487 --> 00:02:12,364 I know, I could have called. 52 00:02:12,407 --> 00:02:14,443 I just wouldn't know what to say. 53 00:02:14,487 --> 00:02:16,079 You could ask me out on a date. 54 00:02:16,127 --> 00:02:19,756 Oh, too easy. This is like shooting fish in a barrel. 55 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,923 The fish has shot itself. 56 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,844 That sounds great. 57 00:02:23,887 --> 00:02:26,560 I'm on a whole dating trip right now. I've gone date crazy. 58 00:02:26,607 --> 00:02:28,006 Date here, date there. 59 00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:29,605 What's this mad fish doing? 60 00:02:29,647 --> 00:02:32,605 Gerard's taking me to a Music Of Star Wars concert on Saturday. 61 00:02:32,647 --> 00:02:35,286 I saw that advertised. I didn't think you'd be into that. 62 00:02:35,327 --> 00:02:38,285 A guy in a Yoda mask freaking out on the bassoon? 63 00:02:38,327 --> 00:02:39,680 What's not to like?! 64 00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:42,639 How about Friday? Dinner at mine? 65 00:02:42,687 --> 00:02:43,722 Sure. Why not? 66 00:02:43,767 --> 00:02:45,359 OK. 67 00:02:45,407 --> 00:02:48,683 MARK: You idiot, Gerard, Friday comes before Saturdayl 68 00:02:48,727 --> 00:02:53,847 A new boiler. Surely the least enjoyable way to spend £ 1,000. 69 00:02:53,887 --> 00:02:56,162 At least throwing the money out of the window, 70 00:02:56,207 --> 00:02:58,801 you'd see the scrabbling mass, the hate-filled faces. 71 00:02:58,847 --> 00:03:01,759 I have spent a cool grand on acquiring the resumption 72 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,240 of an equitable temperature. 73 00:03:03,287 --> 00:03:05,676 Yeah, too right. I'm freezing. Let's whack it up to 29. 74 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,240 29 degrees! Are you insane?! 75 00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:09,005 I don't actually want it to be 29, 76 00:03:09,047 --> 00:03:11,561 but you've got to give it something to aim for. It'll get hotter quicker. 77 00:03:11,607 --> 00:03:13,882 No, it won't. It's either on or off. 78 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,760 You set it, it achieves the correct temperature, it switches off. 79 00:03:16,807 --> 00:03:20,038 Oh, sure. You set it to 23, it'll be pootering along, 80 00:03:20,087 --> 00:03:22,123 "Oh, yeah, 23, easy. Nearly there." 81 00:03:22,167 --> 00:03:24,123 Wouldn't you rather, "Fuck! 29?! 82 00:03:24,167 --> 00:03:27,159 "Christ, let's get cracking. Got to generate some serious heat!" 83 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,323 Then when it hits 23, we're suddenly all like... 84 00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:30,800 Click! "Sorry, already there." 85 00:03:30,847 --> 00:03:32,758 The boiler will be like, "What the fuck?!" 86 00:03:32,807 --> 00:03:34,684 You want to try to trick the boiler? 87 00:03:34,727 --> 00:03:36,843 (DOORBELL RINGS) 88 00:03:36,887 --> 00:03:39,640 Sophie. That is your first glass of wine, isn't it? 89 00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:42,759 You haven't drunk all the "difficult conversation" wine? 90 00:03:44,967 --> 00:03:45,877 Hi, guys! 91 00:03:45,927 --> 00:03:46,803 - Hi, Soph. - Hi, Soph. 92 00:03:46,847 --> 00:03:49,759 Sorry I'm late. I popped in to see my new dealer, Elena. 93 00:03:49,807 --> 00:03:51,957 Elena, downstairs? She's a dealer? 94 00:03:52,007 --> 00:03:53,201 Yeah, she's lovely. 95 00:03:53,247 --> 00:03:56,637 Oh, my God, that's it! That's my in. That's our point of connection. 96 00:03:56,687 --> 00:03:58,405 I don't know why you're sweating it, dude. 97 00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,756 You should just ask her out, like I did with Dobby. 98 00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,958 Mark, just because today was the first time you have ever, 99 00:04:04,007 --> 00:04:05,679 ever, ever successfully arranged a date with a woman 100 00:04:05,727 --> 00:04:08,525 does not suddenly make you Alfie. OK? 101 00:04:08,567 --> 00:04:11,320 MARK: He's never dated. He just ruts like a hog. 102 00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:17,203 Sophie, can I just say? I know it's a heavy time for all of us 103 00:04:17,247 --> 00:04:18,805 and we all need to unwind, but... 104 00:04:18,847 --> 00:04:23,557 dope plus baby - doesn't that equal career in the Argos stockroom? 105 00:04:23,607 --> 00:04:24,801 It's for my brother, Mark. 106 00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:27,236 Oh, right. Sorry. 107 00:04:27,287 --> 00:04:29,562 Anyway, the reason I wanted to see you both, 108 00:04:29,607 --> 00:04:32,440 and I hope you're gonna be OK with this, but... 109 00:04:32,487 --> 00:04:34,364 I think I want a paternity test 110 00:04:34,407 --> 00:04:38,559 before the birth, so we know. Are you OK with that? 111 00:04:38,607 --> 00:04:41,758 JEREMY: Really hope it doesn't involve anything going up my knob. 112 00:04:41,807 --> 00:04:46,278 Paternity test? I guess it would be interesting to know. 113 00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:48,124 Great. If I can get samples from you both tonight... 114 00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:52,001 JEREMY: Oh, Godl Wanking into a cup. The dream(l) 115 00:04:52,047 --> 00:04:56,006 Yeah, here's the thing... It's against my moral philosophy 116 00:04:56,047 --> 00:04:58,117 to put anything up my knob. 117 00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:00,283 That's just a line I will not cross. 118 00:05:00,327 --> 00:05:02,158 This is to swab inside your cheek. 119 00:05:02,207 --> 00:05:05,085 Of course. Th-that's much more civilised. 120 00:05:05,127 --> 00:05:07,038 Yeah, OK, I'm really not sure about this. 121 00:05:07,087 --> 00:05:08,406 Why? 122 00:05:08,447 --> 00:05:11,007 I just don't want my barcode on the database. 123 00:05:11,047 --> 00:05:14,164 I mean, the truth is, I have banged a lot of chicks. 124 00:05:14,207 --> 00:05:16,562 That's just a matter of historical record. 125 00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:18,598 I mean, he's a willing swabbee. 126 00:05:18,647 --> 00:05:22,003 Leave me off-swab. If the baby's not his, then it's mine. 127 00:05:22,047 --> 00:05:24,197 If I done the crime, I'll do the time. 128 00:05:24,247 --> 00:05:27,125 Well, there is a third possibility. 129 00:05:27,167 --> 00:05:30,159 It might not be a boy or a girl? 130 00:05:30,207 --> 00:05:33,119 It could be something else? 131 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,123 No. Look, I was in a bit of a state, 132 00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:40,400 and I had a drunken thing at the same time as you two with Jeff. 133 00:05:40,447 --> 00:05:41,641 Jeff?! 134 00:05:41,687 --> 00:05:43,120 Hey, our odds just dropped! 135 00:05:43,167 --> 00:05:44,964 You did it with Jeff?! 136 00:05:45,007 --> 00:05:48,602 Hey, come on. Guys, we're all having a baby together 137 00:05:48,647 --> 00:05:51,525 and that's a terrifying and beautiful, 138 00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:54,445 and very, very terrifying thing, so... 139 00:05:54,487 --> 00:05:56,523 Come on, let's just keep this civil. 140 00:05:56,567 --> 00:05:59,604 MARK: How did he get to be the grown-up? I paid for the dips. 141 00:05:59,647 --> 00:06:00,682 Yeah, sure. OK. OK. 142 00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:04,959 I agree and can I just point out the wide selection of dips? 143 00:06:05,007 --> 00:06:07,680 SOPHIE: Yeah, I'm fine for tzatziki. 144 00:06:07,727 --> 00:06:10,036 Just give me some cheek lining and I'll be off. 145 00:06:10,087 --> 00:06:11,156 MARK: Thanks, Science(l) 146 00:06:11,207 --> 00:06:14,165 In days gone by, they'd have had to wait to see what the kid looked like, 147 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,845 by which time I'd have set sail for the colonies. 148 00:06:17,287 --> 00:06:19,482 JEREMY: Oh, God. Elena's front door. 149 00:06:19,527 --> 00:06:21,279 Hi, I'm Jez, how's it hanging? 150 00:06:21,327 --> 00:06:23,283 (CASUAL) Hi, I'm Jez, how's it hanging? 151 00:06:23,327 --> 00:06:25,318 (MANLY) Hi, I'm Jez, how's it hanging? 152 00:06:25,367 --> 00:06:28,006 Hi, I'm Jez, how's it hang-ling? 153 00:06:28,047 --> 00:06:30,322 - Hi. Can I help you? - Oh, my God, is she from Russia, 154 00:06:30,367 --> 00:06:32,517 or one of those other made-up countries? 155 00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:35,081 I thought it would be cool to... I'm a friend of Sophie's. 156 00:06:35,127 --> 00:06:36,446 Would you like to come in for some lunch? 157 00:06:36,487 --> 00:06:38,443 Er... Yes, please. 158 00:06:38,487 --> 00:06:42,366 I'm a vegetarian, but I eat chicken and fish and posh bacon. So... 159 00:06:42,407 --> 00:06:44,841 No, sorry. Lunch is my code word. For drugs. 160 00:06:44,887 --> 00:06:46,115 Oh, right. Right. 161 00:06:46,167 --> 00:06:49,045 I'm inl She'll never get rid of me now. 162 00:06:49,087 --> 00:06:52,238 Lucky you caught me. I was just going out to check out DILFs in the park. 163 00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:55,279 Are they in flower already? I love nature... 164 00:06:55,327 --> 00:06:56,919 No, Dads I'd Like To Fuck. 165 00:06:56,967 --> 00:07:00,880 They're so cute with their bad haircuts and buggies and old-skool trainers. 166 00:07:00,927 --> 00:07:01,916 (SNIGGERS) 167 00:07:01,967 --> 00:07:05,164 She said fuckl If I say fuck, maybe we'll fuckl 168 00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:07,801 Yeah, I'm not much of a dealer, as you probably have noticed. 169 00:07:07,847 --> 00:07:11,806 It's just a friend left the country in a hurry and left me a kilo of grass. 170 00:07:11,847 --> 00:07:13,200 Oh, God, she's so beautiful. 171 00:07:13,247 --> 00:07:17,399 My head's gone blank. Come on, Jez, restart, reboot, vibe up. 172 00:07:17,447 --> 00:07:19,438 Heart racing, hands shaky. 173 00:07:19,487 --> 00:07:23,765 That's just... I get like that when I haven't had a smoke for a while. 174 00:07:23,807 --> 00:07:25,718 I'm not a junkie, just excited. 175 00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:26,836 I just love drugs! 176 00:07:26,887 --> 00:07:27,956 Where's my vibe? I 177 00:07:28,007 --> 00:07:30,316 Got to make a connection. Compliment? 178 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,800 Hm... 179 00:07:31,847 --> 00:07:34,122 Can I just say, great temperature? 180 00:07:34,167 --> 00:07:34,997 Sorry? 181 00:07:35,047 --> 00:07:37,641 I'm just saying, you've got a great temperature in here. 182 00:07:37,687 --> 00:07:39,405 What are you on, out of interest? 183 00:07:39,447 --> 00:07:41,403 - Um, I don't know. - Mind if I? 184 00:07:41,447 --> 00:07:43,085 Sure. 185 00:07:43,127 --> 00:07:45,925 23. Nice! 186 00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:48,640 Man, she has got one sweet temperature. 187 00:07:50,047 --> 00:07:54,802 I hate this boiler. It's too hot. I can't date under these conditions! 188 00:07:54,847 --> 00:07:58,157 It's a great boiler. It's just got a very idiosyncratic control panel. 189 00:07:58,207 --> 00:08:02,200 It's like The Jesus And Mary Chain of central heating control systems. 190 00:08:02,247 --> 00:08:05,284 Hard to get into initially, but then so much to explore. 191 00:08:05,327 --> 00:08:07,921 Does Elena have to come over tonight? 192 00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:11,198 Yes, yes, she does. I've been to hers twice a day all week. 193 00:08:11,247 --> 00:08:13,124 I can't buy any more weed. It's killing me. 194 00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:17,046 Can't you go to the cinema or something? I don't want to date on top of you. 195 00:08:17,087 --> 00:08:19,282 But it's not a date. That's the whole point. 196 00:08:19,327 --> 00:08:20,555 She's just coming for a smoke. 197 00:08:20,607 --> 00:08:23,246 It's simply two very casual people 198 00:08:23,287 --> 00:08:25,278 who happen to have perfectly matching genitals. 199 00:08:25,327 --> 00:08:29,320 Try and give me and Dobby some space. I need space to operate. 200 00:08:29,367 --> 00:08:33,519 Not a problem, kemo sabe. We'll be in my room slipping effortlessly 201 00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:36,559 from getting high off her own supply to... 202 00:08:36,607 --> 00:08:37,596 (HUMS) 203 00:08:37,647 --> 00:08:39,046 What is that? 204 00:08:39,087 --> 00:08:40,236 Sexy time. 205 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:43,120 Making love from behind, then slapping the woman on the arse. 206 00:08:43,167 --> 00:08:45,362 Since when did that become the international sign 207 00:08:45,407 --> 00:08:47,159 of a mutually loving sexual experience? 208 00:08:47,207 --> 00:08:48,925 We'll probably do that for a bit 209 00:08:48,967 --> 00:08:51,481 and then graduate to some backdoor action! 210 00:08:51,527 --> 00:08:55,156 Why do you insist on seeing the anus as some kind of human USB port 211 00:08:55,207 --> 00:08:58,358 just waiting to have all kinds of hardware plugged into it? 212 00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:00,841 JEREMY: Oh, my God, what is he wearing? 213 00:09:00,887 --> 00:09:03,685 He thinks when you're on a date you should look like Des Lynam. 214 00:09:03,727 --> 00:09:05,206 Turn down! Turn down! 215 00:09:05,247 --> 00:09:07,044 Obey my commands, Orac! 216 00:09:07,087 --> 00:09:09,681 This manual is balls. 217 00:09:09,727 --> 00:09:13,117 Can you turn it down? It's on 23 and ideally I want it no higher than 17. 218 00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:15,727 Mark, women are coming. We want to make the women hot. 219 00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:19,203 No, you want it cold so they have to cuddle up to you for warmth. 220 00:09:19,247 --> 00:09:21,715 Plus, frugality is very attractive in a man. 221 00:09:21,767 --> 00:09:23,758 (DOORBELL RINGS) 222 00:09:23,807 --> 00:09:25,286 Oh, God. Dobby! 223 00:09:28,967 --> 00:09:30,116 Is it cool to get some lunch? 224 00:09:30,167 --> 00:09:33,204 What are you talking about? It's 7.30. What do you mean? 225 00:09:33,247 --> 00:09:35,681 We're here to see Jez... for some lunch. 226 00:09:35,727 --> 00:09:39,276 Jeremy, there are some children here who want to have lunch with you. 227 00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:42,036 Yep, cool. Cheers. 228 00:09:42,087 --> 00:09:43,520 Cheers. 229 00:09:45,407 --> 00:09:48,717 What? Look, I've just bought so much I've got to offload it somewhere. 230 00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:50,758 Just because I'm dealing a little bit of drugs 231 00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:52,126 does not make me a drug dealer. 232 00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:53,202 Well, yes, it does. 233 00:09:53,247 --> 00:09:54,839 Oh, God! 234 00:09:54,887 --> 00:09:57,685 Come, Mr Tali-ban, tally my bananas. 235 00:10:00,087 --> 00:10:02,647 So this is cool. Nice to get to know the neighbours. 236 00:10:02,687 --> 00:10:06,282 I said hello to one guy in the hall but he was, like, really old. 237 00:10:06,327 --> 00:10:08,477 There's an old woman as well. Have you seen her? 238 00:10:08,527 --> 00:10:11,758 Got to get off the Neighbourhood Watch. So, tell me, 239 00:10:11,807 --> 00:10:13,320 Elena, what do you, like, do? 240 00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:15,198 I'm working part time as a legal secretary. 241 00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:20,275 Human rights law, asylum seekers, torture victims, all that jazz. 242 00:10:20,327 --> 00:10:22,522 But my real passion is music. 243 00:10:22,567 --> 00:10:25,286 Oh, that is so great. Oh, God, she's perfect. 244 00:10:25,327 --> 00:10:28,399 A musician who devotes her life to helping losers. 245 00:10:28,447 --> 00:10:31,166 I'm, like, grade eight violin and a bit of piano. 246 00:10:31,207 --> 00:10:34,597 That's just so cool, cos I'm a musician, too. 247 00:10:34,647 --> 00:10:36,046 What's your main instrument? 248 00:10:36,087 --> 00:10:38,806 Shitl I dabble, you know? 249 00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:40,883 I toot, I strum, I bongo. 250 00:10:40,927 --> 00:10:44,920 Oh, I love drums. Play me something. 251 00:10:44,967 --> 00:10:49,324 That's not a bongo. That's just a small table in the shape of a bongo. 252 00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:50,436 Oh. 253 00:10:50,487 --> 00:10:53,877 So when you're not bongo-ing, do you, like, work? 254 00:10:53,927 --> 00:10:56,919 Dangerl I was a male nurse for a while. 255 00:10:56,967 --> 00:10:58,366 Why did you stop? 256 00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:00,921 Disgust at having to help people in need. 257 00:11:00,967 --> 00:11:04,084 The white coats couldn't handle my whole Patch Adams approach. 258 00:11:04,127 --> 00:11:07,005 I believe a person should be treated as a human being, 259 00:11:07,047 --> 00:11:08,844 not a mere set of steel pipes. 260 00:11:08,887 --> 00:11:11,196 Oh, come on. I've got to think of something impressive. 261 00:11:11,247 --> 00:11:13,044 What the hell have I been doing all these years? 262 00:11:13,087 --> 00:11:14,725 Could be a Dad She'd Like to Fuck. 263 00:11:14,767 --> 00:11:16,723 Only thing I've got in the locker. 264 00:11:16,767 --> 00:11:20,555 Of course, the big news is actually that I'm going to be having a kid. 265 00:11:20,607 --> 00:11:22,359 Are you in a relationship? 266 00:11:22,407 --> 00:11:24,921 Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. 267 00:11:24,967 --> 00:11:26,878 No, no, a million times no. 268 00:11:26,927 --> 00:11:29,805 No, she's a friend and she was desperate. 269 00:11:29,847 --> 00:11:31,724 And so I was all, like, yeah. 270 00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:33,962 I'm a very strong feminist, 271 00:11:34,007 --> 00:11:37,682 so I believe women should have whatever mad thing they want. 272 00:11:37,727 --> 00:11:41,640 That's so cute. Cos I often think that children are our future. 273 00:11:41,687 --> 00:11:43,962 Yeah. 274 00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:47,204 And also, I'm just really into the whole man, baby thing. 275 00:11:47,247 --> 00:11:51,206 You know, teaching them to tie things to other things. 276 00:11:51,247 --> 00:11:55,638 And, you know, holding a baby in the palm of my hand 277 00:11:55,687 --> 00:11:58,997 whilst making an espresso. You know? 278 00:11:59,047 --> 00:12:02,835 Yeah, Russian men are all probably infertile. Thanks, Chernobyl. 279 00:12:02,887 --> 00:12:06,357 Oh, look, he's hit it. Do you think it'll go in the hole? 280 00:12:06,407 --> 00:12:10,320 MARK: Yeah, novelty golf date beats ironic sci-fi fun, Gerard. 281 00:12:10,367 --> 00:12:13,996 Hard cheese. And we've already had four whiskies. 282 00:12:14,047 --> 00:12:17,039 So time for me to roll in my militarised divisions. 283 00:12:17,087 --> 00:12:19,999 Makes it much less scary if I think about it like a war. 284 00:12:20,047 --> 00:12:22,277 Mark, are you about to lunge? 285 00:12:22,327 --> 00:12:24,079 Is this pre-lunge? 286 00:12:24,127 --> 00:12:26,960 Sorry. Should I have filled out a lunging application form 287 00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:28,725 and had it ratified by the FSA? 288 00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:31,725 Look, don't get me wrong, I like you. 289 00:12:31,767 --> 00:12:35,157 But maybe let's not do anything tonight. 290 00:12:35,207 --> 00:12:39,086 When the dust's settled with Gerard and my other dates, we'll see. 291 00:12:39,127 --> 00:12:41,197 OK, that's fine. Oh, my God, she likes me. 292 00:12:41,247 --> 00:12:44,523 She just said it. That's undeniable. I can bank that. 293 00:12:44,567 --> 00:12:47,843 I can put it on a blog so it's a matter of public record. 294 00:12:47,887 --> 00:12:50,685 Oh, my God, this guy doesn't know a nine iron from a pitching wedge! 295 00:12:50,727 --> 00:12:55,005 Exactly. Yeah, we're Roosevelt and Stalin. Gerard's Churchill. 296 00:12:55,047 --> 00:12:57,925 He thinks he's in there, but when the fucking starts 297 00:12:57,967 --> 00:13:01,676 and Europe gets carved up, Churchill has to leave. 298 00:13:01,727 --> 00:13:05,117 Oh, shit. No, Soph, cancel. I'm cancelling you out of shame, 299 00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:07,601 like my subscription to White Dwarf. 300 00:13:07,647 --> 00:13:13,199 Just the bank. The sperm bank, where I bank my stupid sperm. 301 00:13:13,247 --> 00:13:15,636 And my other passion is poetry. 302 00:13:15,687 --> 00:13:18,884 Oh, wow, really? Cos I dabble. 303 00:13:18,927 --> 00:13:19,996 Oh! 304 00:13:20,047 --> 00:13:23,244 Sure, I dabble - like da Vinci dabbled... in art. 305 00:13:23,287 --> 00:13:26,040 "Fuck you, Bush." That sounds good. 306 00:13:26,087 --> 00:13:29,716 Yeah, I wrote that some time ago, but it's still pretty savage. 307 00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,997 - Go on. - Really? OK. Well... 308 00:13:33,487 --> 00:13:37,685 "Fuck you, Bush. Fuck you, Bush! 309 00:13:37,727 --> 00:13:39,843 "It's time to get out of Iraq, Bush. 310 00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:43,482 "What were you even doing there in the first place, Bush? 311 00:13:43,527 --> 00:13:46,678 "You didn't even get properly elected, Bush. 312 00:13:46,727 --> 00:13:49,161 "Are you happy now, Bush? 313 00:13:49,207 --> 00:13:51,323 "Fuck you, Bush." 314 00:13:51,367 --> 00:13:55,758 Wow, I love the way the last line is the same as the first line. 315 00:13:55,807 --> 00:13:58,196 - Thanks, I did that on purpose. - (PHONE RINGS) 316 00:14:00,647 --> 00:14:02,126 Hello. 317 00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:05,398 Hi, Jez, it's me, Soph. The test result's come through. 318 00:14:05,447 --> 00:14:10,282 Oh, has it? That's marvellous, marvellous news. 319 00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:12,238 Excellent. OK, then. 320 00:14:12,287 --> 00:14:14,642 Yeah, so it seems weird to do it on the phone, 321 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,759 - but I wanted to tell you right away. - Yeah, obviously, great, great. 322 00:14:17,807 --> 00:14:19,798 JEREMY: Mark or Jeff. Jeff, please, Jeff, or Mark. 323 00:14:19,847 --> 00:14:22,202 SOPHIE: I couldn't get through to him, but I thought he'd want to know right away. 324 00:14:22,247 --> 00:14:23,236 It's Mark's. 325 00:14:23,287 --> 00:14:25,039 Yes! 326 00:14:27,287 --> 00:14:30,438 Well, that's great news, thanks for that. 327 00:14:30,487 --> 00:14:32,398 Yes, yes, yes, yes! 328 00:14:32,447 --> 00:14:35,245 - Who was that? - That was Sophie. 329 00:14:35,287 --> 00:14:38,006 The mother of my baby. 330 00:14:38,047 --> 00:14:41,198 It's cute how excited you are about it. What was the news? 331 00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:46,958 The news, the wonderful news is that everything's OK. 332 00:14:47,007 --> 00:14:49,043 And it was just so great to hear that. 333 00:14:49,087 --> 00:14:51,396 I like daily updates. That's what I'm like. 334 00:14:51,447 --> 00:14:54,166 Wow! That's so cool. 335 00:14:54,207 --> 00:14:56,482 Yeah, a human life. 336 00:14:56,527 --> 00:15:01,157 Another human life, and it's my responsibility, for ever. 337 00:15:01,207 --> 00:15:03,323 (KNOCKING) 338 00:15:03,367 --> 00:15:07,963 Hi, sorry to interrupt, but I wondered if you could have a word with Hal 339 00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:10,316 and turn the heating down. What's going on? 340 00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:12,437 He's just so happy about his baby. 341 00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:15,559 Your baby? 342 00:15:15,607 --> 00:15:16,881 He just talked to Sophie. 343 00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:20,166 Can we talk about this later? 344 00:15:20,207 --> 00:15:21,765 Yeah, sure, but there's news? 345 00:15:21,807 --> 00:15:23,684 What did she say? Whose is it? 346 00:15:23,727 --> 00:15:26,844 Well, it's mine, obviously, it's mine. 347 00:15:26,887 --> 00:15:30,596 It's your baby? Why didn't... It's definitely your baby? 348 00:15:30,647 --> 00:15:32,000 That's right. 349 00:15:32,047 --> 00:15:35,403 - Why didn't you tell me straight away? - I was just about to, straight away. 350 00:15:35,447 --> 00:15:36,562 Oh, my God! 351 00:15:36,607 --> 00:15:38,484 Yeah, but we should talk. 352 00:15:38,527 --> 00:15:41,758 Oh, of course we can talk. I'm going to help you through this, man. 353 00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:43,957 - Shit, really? - Yeah. 354 00:15:44,007 --> 00:15:47,636 Oh, you beautiful, beautiful man! 355 00:15:47,687 --> 00:15:51,475 Sorry about all this. Have a great evening. 356 00:15:51,527 --> 00:15:54,200 MARK: I'm free. I can do anything. I can leave T-Mobile. 357 00:15:54,247 --> 00:15:56,397 Mark? 358 00:15:58,527 --> 00:15:59,562 OK. 359 00:15:59,607 --> 00:16:01,325 Everything is possible, Dobby. 360 00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:06,282 The world is an oyster because we are young and free. Let's just... 361 00:16:06,327 --> 00:16:10,161 Come on! I'm not having a baby. 362 00:16:10,207 --> 00:16:11,925 You know what? Screw it. 363 00:16:11,967 --> 00:16:13,958 If we wanna do it, shall we just do it? 364 00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:17,363 Why the hell not? What's stopping either of us? Nothing! 365 00:16:17,407 --> 00:16:18,522 Give me a minute. 366 00:16:18,567 --> 00:16:20,842 God, I think there's no knot in my stomach. 367 00:16:20,887 --> 00:16:24,436 For the first time in 25 years, I'm free of a creeping sense of dread. 368 00:16:24,487 --> 00:16:25,966 I need to speak to you, Mark. 369 00:16:26,007 --> 00:16:28,396 Can we do the whole emotional splurge later? 370 00:16:28,447 --> 00:16:31,803 I can tell you how it all might be a good thing and buck you up later. 371 00:16:31,847 --> 00:16:33,678 Yeah. 372 00:16:33,727 --> 00:16:35,843 Um, look... 373 00:16:35,887 --> 00:16:39,641 the thing is, contrary to what I said a few seconds ago, 374 00:16:39,687 --> 00:16:42,440 it is actually, definitely your baby. 375 00:16:42,487 --> 00:16:44,717 - I'm sorry, what? - Sophie told me. 376 00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:48,521 Yeah, and now do your joke. What's the punch line? 377 00:16:48,567 --> 00:16:51,559 The results came. Honestly, it's yours. 378 00:16:52,647 --> 00:16:56,356 Then why the fuck did you tell me it was yours? Did you get mixed up? 379 00:16:56,407 --> 00:16:57,635 Did you misremember? 380 00:16:57,687 --> 00:17:00,406 Because I really think I would remember something like this. 381 00:17:00,447 --> 00:17:03,166 Look, I know it sounds weird, but I told Elena I was having a baby. 382 00:17:03,207 --> 00:17:03,923 Why? 383 00:17:03,967 --> 00:17:07,039 It was the only thing I could think of that made me sound like a proper person. 384 00:17:07,087 --> 00:17:09,317 You total, fucking, shitting bastard! 385 00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:11,881 I know. I know I am. You must hate me. 386 00:17:11,927 --> 00:17:13,519 Yes, yes, I do! 387 00:17:13,567 --> 00:17:16,127 I'm really sorry, dude. Um... 388 00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:19,637 you can hit me, if you like, or, er... or even fork me. 389 00:17:19,687 --> 00:17:21,757 - I'm not going to fork you, Jeremy. - Fork my leg. 390 00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:24,879 I do... quite want to, but no, too weird. 391 00:17:24,927 --> 00:17:27,760 Well, you've got to fork something. Fork my bag. 392 00:17:27,807 --> 00:17:28,637 Your bag? 393 00:17:28,687 --> 00:17:31,326 Go on, stab my stuff. Fork it to smithereens. 394 00:17:34,447 --> 00:17:36,677 Yeah, that's it, go on, really go for it! 395 00:17:36,727 --> 00:17:42,120 My stupid, bloody, special date-dinner all stabbed to shit, just like I deserve. 396 00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:44,044 Oh, nice one. 397 00:17:44,087 --> 00:17:45,566 Equals-pequals. 398 00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:47,643 We are not equals-pequals. 399 00:17:47,687 --> 00:17:50,201 MARK: Bet he leaves that for me to wash up later. 400 00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:52,005 - Dobby? - I'm in here. 401 00:17:52,047 --> 00:17:57,246 Oh, God! Right. Wow, you're... you're in there... already. Cool. 402 00:17:57,287 --> 00:17:59,084 Oh, God. Have I got it wrong? I thought you wanted... 403 00:17:59,127 --> 00:18:02,517 Oh, God, yeah. Yes... absolutely. 404 00:18:02,567 --> 00:18:03,920 Yes, indeed. 405 00:18:05,807 --> 00:18:08,605 Let's do this thing. Focus, Corrigan, focus, 406 00:18:08,647 --> 00:18:13,801 just for the next bit - Dobby now, baby later, Dobby now, baby later. 407 00:18:13,847 --> 00:18:15,121 Oh, baby. 408 00:18:15,167 --> 00:18:17,237 Had to be "baby"I Just don't think about it. 409 00:18:17,287 --> 00:18:20,882 Just relax and focus on the lovely, enjoyable sex. 410 00:18:20,927 --> 00:18:22,155 Lovely breasts, 411 00:18:22,207 --> 00:18:25,836 nipples, intended primarily for the feeding of babies. Oh, fuckl 412 00:18:25,887 --> 00:18:28,845 - Are you OK? - Oh, yes, so fine. 413 00:18:28,887 --> 00:18:32,516 Yeah, now I'm feeling it. Yeah, lovely Dobby. 414 00:18:32,567 --> 00:18:35,923 And you can get second-hand cots. Everything doesn't have to be new. 415 00:18:35,967 --> 00:18:37,400 Sexy times. 416 00:18:37,447 --> 00:18:38,960 Definitely have the MMR. 417 00:18:39,007 --> 00:18:40,326 Are you good? 418 00:18:40,367 --> 00:18:44,155 Er... yeah. Um... Dobbs, can I ask you a question? 419 00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:45,196 Sure. 420 00:18:45,247 --> 00:18:48,319 You know those kids on Long Street in the nice blue uniforms - 421 00:18:48,367 --> 00:18:49,846 is that a Catholic school? 422 00:18:49,887 --> 00:18:50,876 What? 423 00:18:50,927 --> 00:18:52,679 Nothing, doesn't matter. 424 00:18:52,727 --> 00:18:55,287 Ofsted must have a website. 425 00:18:55,327 --> 00:18:58,080 - Where were we? - Are you not into this? 426 00:18:58,127 --> 00:19:00,925 God, yes, I'm very much into this. 427 00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:03,879 In fact, I think I might rubber up. 428 00:19:03,927 --> 00:19:05,326 Well, sure. 429 00:19:05,367 --> 00:19:07,801 Condom, yes. Condom. 430 00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:10,236 Condom, condom, condom. 431 00:19:12,127 --> 00:19:14,687 Although... maybe two? 432 00:19:14,727 --> 00:19:15,876 Two condoms? 433 00:19:15,927 --> 00:19:18,839 Two's company. In fact, maybe I should go for a third. 434 00:19:18,887 --> 00:19:21,355 Three is the magic number. 435 00:19:21,407 --> 00:19:22,635 I've got to tell her. 436 00:19:22,687 --> 00:19:25,565 I couldn't slide this in anyway. It'd be like trying to clingfilm an earthworm. 437 00:19:25,607 --> 00:19:26,926 I'm sorry, Dobby. 438 00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:31,961 - Just what's wrong, Mark? - The situation is this, Dobbs. 439 00:19:32,007 --> 00:19:36,683 It's... it's the heat. It's just too hot in here. 440 00:19:36,727 --> 00:19:39,161 I feel like my head's on fire. 441 00:19:39,207 --> 00:19:41,641 We've only just got a new boiler, and I can't... 442 00:19:41,687 --> 00:19:45,760 Yeah, talk. Keep up this covering fire while I retreat from the battleground. 443 00:19:45,807 --> 00:19:48,560 Yeah, so it's going to be the classic one-egg omelette. 444 00:19:48,607 --> 00:19:50,598 - (RHYTHMIC BANGING) - MARK: Fuck! 445 00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:52,365 - Fuck! Fuck! - Is he... 446 00:19:52,407 --> 00:19:54,079 Sorry. ... having the hardest sex ever? 447 00:19:54,127 --> 00:19:58,518 - Of course not. - Damn you! Fucking, fucking, fuck! 448 00:19:58,567 --> 00:20:00,637 Mark, what are you doing? 449 00:20:00,687 --> 00:20:04,919 It's too hot. It's too bloody hot! It's ruining everything. Tell it to stop! 450 00:20:06,887 --> 00:20:08,240 Everything all right? 451 00:20:08,287 --> 00:20:11,723 Is it OK if I have quite a massive drink of any booze you've got? 452 00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:15,442 Oh, they're going to drench my flirt-fest in geek juice. 453 00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:17,523 Do you want a glass of champagne? 454 00:20:17,567 --> 00:20:20,161 We're just going to have a toast to Jeremy's baby. 455 00:20:20,207 --> 00:20:21,765 Jeremy's baby? 456 00:20:21,807 --> 00:20:25,516 Er... yeah. Didn't I mention that Jeremy's having a baby? 457 00:20:25,567 --> 00:20:28,604 Er, no. Wow! Congratulations? 458 00:20:28,647 --> 00:20:30,160 (DOORBELL BING-BONGS) 459 00:20:31,927 --> 00:20:34,077 - To Jeremy's baby! - Jeremy's baby. 460 00:20:34,127 --> 00:20:35,446 Jeremy's baby. 461 00:20:35,487 --> 00:20:37,921 Mmm, the great taste of ashes. 462 00:20:37,967 --> 00:20:40,117 Um... Mark, 463 00:20:40,167 --> 00:20:42,123 could I have a quick word? 464 00:20:42,167 --> 00:20:44,522 Ladies, talk amongst yourselves. 465 00:20:46,567 --> 00:20:48,285 - (WHISPERS) It's Sophie. - Oh, my God! 466 00:20:48,327 --> 00:20:51,046 I saw her through the spy hole, but she might have sensed movement. 467 00:20:51,087 --> 00:20:52,998 - (WHISPERS) Fuck! - (DOORBELL) 468 00:20:53,047 --> 00:20:54,719 Shouldn't someone answer that? 469 00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:56,246 Probably not going to bother, actually. 470 00:20:56,287 --> 00:20:59,836 Yeah, it's probably that crazy old guy who keeps ringing our doorbell. 471 00:20:59,887 --> 00:21:04,278 If you answer, he tries to grab your balls and make you buy a guide to Barcelona. 472 00:21:04,327 --> 00:21:06,966 JEREMY: Where did that come from? That's nice lyingl 473 00:21:07,007 --> 00:21:07,962 (DOORBELL) 474 00:21:08,007 --> 00:21:12,797 Stupid doorbell man. He's so crazy. I'll get rid of him. 475 00:21:12,847 --> 00:21:15,236 JEREMY: So... where were we? 476 00:21:15,287 --> 00:21:18,199 And please, no more talk about my baby. 477 00:21:18,247 --> 00:21:21,239 - (MARK SCREAMS) - Oh, God, what? I 478 00:21:21,287 --> 00:21:23,198 Has she got in and torn his throat out? 479 00:21:23,247 --> 00:21:24,600 (LAUGHING) 480 00:21:24,647 --> 00:21:29,357 You wouldn't think there was much voltage going through that little sucker, 481 00:21:29,407 --> 00:21:31,125 but it packs a punch, let me tell you. 482 00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:33,317 I'll answer it. I'll tell him to fuck off. 483 00:21:33,367 --> 00:21:35,119 No, it's fine. 484 00:21:35,167 --> 00:21:40,002 You just go and shelter. You find refuge over there. I'll deal with this maniac. 485 00:21:40,047 --> 00:21:43,039 MARK: I'm opening the airlock. We're all gonna die. 486 00:21:43,087 --> 00:21:46,238 - What the fuck was that all about? - Sorry, Soph, shall we do this here? 487 00:21:46,287 --> 00:21:48,676 Sorry if it's a bad time, but why didn't you open the door? 488 00:21:48,727 --> 00:21:50,365 Fatal decompression has begun. 489 00:21:50,407 --> 00:21:53,479 - Did you not tell him? - No, I told him. 490 00:21:53,527 --> 00:21:55,358 What's going on, Mark? 491 00:21:55,407 --> 00:21:58,638 Right, yeah... What's going on? Um... 492 00:21:58,687 --> 00:22:03,886 Well, sorry not to have mentioned this before, but, er... Sophie's pregnant. 493 00:22:03,927 --> 00:22:06,680 - Yeah? - Yeah. 494 00:22:06,727 --> 00:22:09,924 And it's... it's my baby. So no biggie. 495 00:22:09,967 --> 00:22:11,116 What? 496 00:22:11,167 --> 00:22:14,443 - "No biggie"? - You're both having babies? 497 00:22:15,847 --> 00:22:19,556 Well, no, that's not quite... It's a bit complicated. 498 00:22:20,647 --> 00:22:23,559 - Let me explain. - (MOBILE RINGS) 499 00:22:23,607 --> 00:22:25,723 Hi, Jeff, thanks for ringing back. 500 00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:29,959 I'm really confused. I thought it was your baby. 501 00:22:30,007 --> 00:22:32,202 Yeah, I know. I thought it was, too, 502 00:22:32,247 --> 00:22:37,446 but, um... it looks like it changed in the womb. Can they do that? 503 00:22:37,487 --> 00:22:40,001 But she said she told you it was Mark's on the phone. 504 00:22:40,047 --> 00:22:43,039 Yeah, so why did I say it was mine? It's weird, isn't it? 505 00:22:43,087 --> 00:22:48,115 - It's really weird, Jeremy(!) - Wow! How did this happen? 506 00:22:48,167 --> 00:22:50,556 OK, the truth is I lied. 507 00:22:50,607 --> 00:22:53,838 I said I was having a baby because I wanted to impress you. 508 00:22:53,887 --> 00:22:57,926 You're beautiful and intelligent and sexy and cool and I wanted to seem proper 509 00:22:57,967 --> 00:23:00,925 because, and I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but... 510 00:23:00,967 --> 00:23:03,561 I know I may look like a real person, 511 00:23:03,607 --> 00:23:07,646 but... I'm not actually a real person. 512 00:23:07,687 --> 00:23:11,043 I truthed it. Truthing worksl 513 00:23:11,087 --> 00:23:14,523 Why didn't you tell me? Were you trying to impregnate me too? Double your money? 514 00:23:14,567 --> 00:23:17,798 I was going to tell you. I just didn't want to ruin the mood. 515 00:23:17,847 --> 00:23:20,964 Mark! Man, you're just... 516 00:23:21,007 --> 00:23:24,477 This is just... You really fucked this. You know that? 517 00:23:24,527 --> 00:23:27,883 But the good news is that that's why I was so weird in bed. 518 00:23:27,927 --> 00:23:30,236 It wasn't bad technique - it was the news. 519 00:23:30,287 --> 00:23:31,561 Whoop-de-do(!) 520 00:23:31,607 --> 00:23:36,806 It's OK. I'll send her an e-card... a charming e-card. 521 00:23:36,847 --> 00:23:40,396 So... I guess we've got a lot to talk about. 522 00:23:40,447 --> 00:23:43,678 So much. So many details, and big and small issues, 523 00:23:43,727 --> 00:23:46,002 and grown-up stuff and just, wow! 524 00:23:46,047 --> 00:23:48,481 Yeah, great. 525 00:23:48,527 --> 00:23:52,918 Just... first, Sophie, do you mind if I ask you one question? 526 00:23:52,967 --> 00:23:56,323 - Uh-huh? - Do you think it's too hot in here? 527 00:23:56,367 --> 00:23:58,437 Yeah, maybe it is a bit. 528 00:23:58,487 --> 00:24:03,720 Yes! Did you hear that, Jeremy? Sophie says it's too hot in here! 529 00:24:03,767 --> 00:24:08,636 So I was right. I win. Shove that up your bollocks! 530 00:24:09,807 --> 00:24:14,881 531 00:24:14,927 --> 00:24:21,924 Cos I'm in hell.