1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:00,767 --> 00:00:06,239 2 00:00:06,287 --> 00:00:09,279 3 00:00:09,327 --> 00:00:14,606 4 00:00:18,607 --> 00:00:20,962 Now, look, Hans, I want you to be careful taking it out. 5 00:00:21,007 --> 00:00:23,680 Yeah. He's a big bastard, I'll give you that. 6 00:00:23,727 --> 00:00:26,241 Maybe I can break him down, cut him down to size. 7 00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:28,243 If you want, I could get the axe. 8 00:00:28,287 --> 00:00:29,242 The axe?! 9 00:00:29,287 --> 00:00:31,847 Just a hand axe, Mark, not a felling axe. 10 00:00:31,887 --> 00:00:33,320 No, Hans, no axes. 11 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,323 I can help for a little sweetener, a fiver? 12 00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:39,360 A fee? I suppose you never really sat on that sofa much, did you? 13 00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,204 Maybe just for about 100,000 hours. 14 00:00:41,247 --> 00:00:43,442 And I suppose you won't sit on the new sofa much, either. 15 00:00:43,487 --> 00:00:44,761 I just need money, Mark. 16 00:00:44,807 --> 00:00:47,037 Yes, well, I don't want to pay you for domestic chores. 17 00:00:47,087 --> 00:00:49,317 That's why I'm abusing my management position 18 00:00:49,367 --> 00:00:51,005 to get you challenging work at JLB. 19 00:00:51,047 --> 00:00:52,526 I don't need to be challenged, Mark, 20 00:00:52,567 --> 00:00:55,559 I just need something to do in the mornings. Some purpose. 21 00:00:55,607 --> 00:00:57,962 I'm tired of staring at my own winkle all day. 22 00:00:58,007 --> 00:00:59,918 And careful bringing the new one in. 23 00:00:59,967 --> 00:01:03,084 Chipped paintwork and abrasion to the upholstery will result in deductions. 24 00:01:03,127 --> 00:01:04,276 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 25 00:01:04,327 --> 00:01:06,158 Terms and conditions apply. 26 00:01:06,207 --> 00:01:09,324 This energy drink may cause anal discharge etc. 27 00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:11,642 JEREMY: Hasn't got a girlfriend so he buys a new sofa. 28 00:01:11,687 --> 00:01:13,837 You can't fuck a sofa, mate. Take it from me. 29 00:01:13,887 --> 00:01:14,922 This suit. 30 00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:17,925 It's sapping my vibe, my powers. I can't think right. 31 00:01:17,967 --> 00:01:20,162 Yeah, well, why don't you get another job? 32 00:01:20,207 --> 00:01:22,960 You could explore that opening at the giant beanstalk, 33 00:01:23,007 --> 00:01:26,716 catching the golden eggs as they fall from the arse of the giant's chicken. 34 00:01:26,767 --> 00:01:29,600 I mean, there weren't any jobs when I didn't want a job. 35 00:01:29,647 --> 00:01:32,844 And now I do want a job, there are like, totally no jobs. 36 00:01:32,887 --> 00:01:36,277 Not just like, there aren't any jobs, but like, there are totally, 37 00:01:36,327 --> 00:01:38,045 quite literally, no jobs. 38 00:01:38,087 --> 00:01:41,557 You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA. 39 00:01:41,607 --> 00:01:43,484 But you've also got a fucking van. 40 00:01:43,527 --> 00:01:45,199 You're not just a man any more. 41 00:01:45,247 --> 00:01:47,681 You are a man with a van. 42 00:01:47,727 --> 00:01:51,037 You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven. 43 00:01:51,087 --> 00:01:53,282 This is a bunch of stuff, got left on board. 44 00:01:53,327 --> 00:01:55,557 Thought you could feast on this lot. 45 00:01:55,607 --> 00:01:57,757 What is it? Sex stuff? Booze? Drug gear? 46 00:01:57,807 --> 00:01:58,842 Baby shit. 47 00:01:58,887 --> 00:02:01,082 What? Why did you bring that in here? 48 00:02:01,127 --> 00:02:03,641 Well, you two are on some baby tip, ain't ya? 49 00:02:03,687 --> 00:02:06,326 One of you is the father of Sophie's Jerry Springer baby. 50 00:02:06,367 --> 00:02:09,120 - We're not doing baby. - Plenty of time for the baby later. 51 00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:12,204 The baby's too big. You can't look at it, Hans, it's like the sun. 52 00:02:12,247 --> 00:02:14,966 Yeah, that's the policy. What's in there, anyway? 53 00:02:15,007 --> 00:02:16,360 Baby shit. 54 00:02:16,407 --> 00:02:18,557 So small. 55 00:02:18,607 --> 00:02:21,599 No, no. No, thank you. Put it under the bed, Jeremy. 56 00:02:21,647 --> 00:02:22,921 OK, yeah. It's going under there. 57 00:02:22,967 --> 00:02:26,084 Right, it's under there now. It'll be safe under there. 58 00:02:26,127 --> 00:02:30,086 OK. Keys, change, wallet, phone. OK. 59 00:02:30,127 --> 00:02:32,243 Jesus, you are something else. 60 00:02:32,287 --> 00:02:33,481 Thank you very much. 61 00:02:33,527 --> 00:02:35,324 JEREMY: He took the insult as a complimentl 62 00:02:35,367 --> 00:02:37,642 Shit, he could become invulnerable. 63 00:02:37,687 --> 00:02:40,076 I'm just going to take off my flatmate hat 64 00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:42,846 and put on my much larger, new JLB manager's hat. 65 00:02:42,887 --> 00:02:46,084 - Have you not sorted this yet? - (PHONE BEEPS) 66 00:02:46,127 --> 00:02:47,765 Hi, Colin. 67 00:02:47,807 --> 00:02:50,526 Listen, could you do me a favour and take a punt on a grunt? 68 00:02:50,567 --> 00:02:52,842 Yeah, farmyard fodder, a day player. 69 00:02:52,887 --> 00:02:57,438 No overheads, no holiday, no contract. Cut and shut. A phone pig. 70 00:02:57,487 --> 00:03:01,241 Ha-ha! Exactly. Cool, bro. Thanks. 71 00:03:01,287 --> 00:03:02,925 A phone pig? 72 00:03:02,967 --> 00:03:05,197 You're not going to lord it over me, are you, Mark? 73 00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:07,044 Of course not. 74 00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:09,601 MARK: Maybe I could make him wear a little coloured hat 75 00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:11,239 like they do with chimpanzees. 76 00:03:11,287 --> 00:03:13,881 A comb with a propeller on top. 77 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:17,237 I might tell him it's a first day tradition. 78 00:03:17,287 --> 00:03:20,996 JEREMY: Wow, she is one hot tamale. 79 00:03:21,047 --> 00:03:23,766 Did you hear the boiler in the night? Were you hot? 80 00:03:23,807 --> 00:03:24,796 Whatever. 81 00:03:24,847 --> 00:03:27,600 I sleep naked, head out of the window, 82 00:03:27,647 --> 00:03:31,435 so when I wake up it's just me and the universe. 83 00:03:31,487 --> 00:03:33,125 But how? Your bed is on the other side of the room. 84 00:03:33,167 --> 00:03:35,078 Got a system. 85 00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:38,597 JEREMY: The maestro, magically made her think of me naked. 86 00:03:38,647 --> 00:03:40,683 He didn't even clock her. Tragic. 87 00:03:40,727 --> 00:03:42,524 MARK: Think she spotted it. 88 00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:44,842 Just... Yeah. 89 00:03:44,887 --> 00:03:49,005 That's right, sweetheart. Ergonomic management keyboard. 90 00:03:50,567 --> 00:03:53,764 So this is it, Jeremy. The field of screams. 91 00:03:53,807 --> 00:03:57,959 Colin will be in in ten, but I think this'll be your... area. 92 00:03:58,007 --> 00:03:59,565 What, all of it? 93 00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:01,757 - Er, yes. - Cool. 94 00:04:01,807 --> 00:04:04,685 Whoa, it's tippy! I've got a tippy chair. 95 00:04:04,727 --> 00:04:08,083 Yeah, so you'll just be following the cold-calling script. 96 00:04:08,127 --> 00:04:10,436 There's a script? So I'll be, like, an actor? 97 00:04:10,487 --> 00:04:13,240 Exactly, Jeremy. You'll be just like an actor, 98 00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,118 like Al Pacino or Jeremy Irons. 99 00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:18,204 Just tell everyone you call, "You've been specially selected 100 00:04:18,247 --> 00:04:20,841 "as eligible for our exclusive introductory interest rate." 101 00:04:20,887 --> 00:04:23,037 Well, no, not everyone. 102 00:04:23,087 --> 00:04:25,920 Because if it's exclusive, then... 103 00:04:25,967 --> 00:04:27,798 Oh, my God. 104 00:04:27,847 --> 00:04:29,565 It's wheels within wheels. 105 00:04:29,607 --> 00:04:34,123 I've been invited inside with the bean counters and the water boarders. 106 00:04:34,167 --> 00:04:36,886 MARK: At some point he's going to find out what goes in sausages. 107 00:04:38,367 --> 00:04:42,360 MARK: Out with the artificial limb, the salary man keyboard. 108 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,967 In with the Dominator, the Death Star. 109 00:04:45,007 --> 00:04:49,046 Yeah, Dobby. I'll summon her in later. 110 00:04:49,087 --> 00:04:50,918 "Uh, Dobby, I seem to be having a server problem. 111 00:04:50,967 --> 00:04:54,118 "Could you have a fiddle? I think the problem is in my pants. " 112 00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:56,920 - Oh, Jeff! - I'm busy, Mark. 113 00:04:56,967 --> 00:05:00,243 Not too busy to check in with your boss. 114 00:05:00,287 --> 00:05:02,562 You're not me boss, Mark. Stop calling yourself me boss. 115 00:05:02,607 --> 00:05:05,519 I'm head of a team that contains people of your level. 116 00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:07,762 I'm certainly your superior, let's leave it at that. 117 00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:10,275 I'm on your remuneration committee, so... 118 00:05:10,327 --> 00:05:13,205 fingers crossed for that bonus, Jeff. 119 00:05:13,247 --> 00:05:18,446 What's funnier - zero bonus or, like, a humiliating £ 103? 120 00:05:18,487 --> 00:05:19,636 Both are very funny. 121 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:22,804 Hey, man, can't stop. Just to say, it's all going super great down there. 122 00:05:22,847 --> 00:05:23,836 You're not leaving. 123 00:05:23,887 --> 00:05:26,799 You've got to stay until at least five or it makes me look bad. 124 00:05:26,847 --> 00:05:28,565 I've made four sales. I'm zinging. 125 00:05:28,607 --> 00:05:30,359 Colin's put me the top of the leaderboard. 126 00:05:30,407 --> 00:05:31,886 I'm in line for Pizza Hut vouchers. 127 00:05:31,927 --> 00:05:35,363 You're king of the farmyard? You're in line for the free garlic bread? 128 00:05:35,407 --> 00:05:37,841 - (ELECTRONIC BEEP) - What's? 129 00:05:37,887 --> 00:05:39,479 Fire alarm. 130 00:05:39,527 --> 00:05:41,165 - Oh, God. Look at you. - What? 131 00:05:41,207 --> 00:05:43,038 Frightened little mouse. 132 00:05:43,087 --> 00:05:44,566 It's a fire alarm, Jeremy. 133 00:05:44,607 --> 00:05:46,199 Oh, yeah, right. Like there's a fire. 134 00:05:46,247 --> 00:05:48,238 There's never a fire, it just doesn't happen. 135 00:05:48,287 --> 00:05:49,436 I mean, maybe in a film. 136 00:05:49,487 --> 00:05:51,523 So there's never been a fire, anywhere(?) 137 00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:54,161 Not in an office in England. God, you're pathetic. 138 00:05:54,207 --> 00:05:57,358 "Ooh, fire, please don't burn me or my possessions. 139 00:05:57,407 --> 00:05:59,875 "I'm so important and flammable." 140 00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,724 - Is this a test? - No, not a test. 141 00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:04,361 Come on, Mark. Fucking hell, get your elbows in. 142 00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:05,726 It's all gone Backdraft. 143 00:06:07,207 --> 00:06:08,356 What's going on? 144 00:06:08,407 --> 00:06:11,524 There's a rumour in that huddle of third-floor Daleks that it's a test. 145 00:06:11,567 --> 00:06:14,764 But the phone pigs are sure there was a fire in the farmyard kitchen. 146 00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:17,082 The maintenance man's pulling his pud in the Portakabin. 147 00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:19,277 Come on. You're management, Corrigan. Get it sorted. 148 00:06:19,327 --> 00:06:21,204 Right. Chance would be a fine thing. 149 00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:23,317 MARK: That's a thing that people say, isn't it? ' 150 00:06:23,367 --> 00:06:26,120 The reset code needs to be authorised from Frankfurt - 151 00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:27,236 if you can believe it. 152 00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:28,515 Mark, can't you reset it? 153 00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:30,683 Chance would be a fine thing, Lisa! 154 00:06:30,727 --> 00:06:32,957 I know what we should do. A coffee run. 155 00:06:33,007 --> 00:06:35,157 Corrigan, 200 lattes. 156 00:06:35,207 --> 00:06:37,198 - (LAUGHTER) - Good one, Jeff. 157 00:06:37,247 --> 00:06:38,965 Chance would be a fine thing. 158 00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:40,759 A fine thing, indeed. 159 00:06:40,807 --> 00:06:42,923 Hm, saying that too often now. 160 00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:44,719 Everything's under control. 161 00:06:44,767 --> 00:06:47,486 We'll have it all sorted, as soon as. 162 00:06:47,527 --> 00:06:49,040 Quick as. 163 00:06:49,087 --> 00:06:51,203 Oh, thank God, Johnson. 164 00:06:51,247 --> 00:06:54,159 The great helmsman can march us to a grain depot 165 00:06:54,207 --> 00:06:55,606 and we can bed down for the night. 166 00:06:55,647 --> 00:06:57,717 Everyone! Listen. 167 00:06:59,967 --> 00:07:04,961 So, listen up, I just got in from Aberdeen. 168 00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:07,475 I want to warn you that you're probably going to be 169 00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:08,755 hearing a lot of rumours, 170 00:07:08,807 --> 00:07:11,685 but I can reassure you that Steffan Strauss 171 00:07:11,727 --> 00:07:14,924 and the rest in Frankfurt are doing everything they can. 172 00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:18,801 Talks are ongoing and everything is looking promising. 173 00:07:18,847 --> 00:07:22,123 But I need to inform you that you're all officially unemployed. 174 00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:23,156 ALL: What?! 175 00:07:23,207 --> 00:07:26,438 Nol I've just started being a bossl 176 00:07:26,487 --> 00:07:29,684 What about my Danish sofa, what about my keyboard? 177 00:07:29,727 --> 00:07:32,002 I didn't get to show Dad a business card. 178 00:07:32,047 --> 00:07:33,878 The doors are locked. 179 00:07:33,927 --> 00:07:37,044 JLB Credit UK is no longer existent. 180 00:07:37,087 --> 00:07:39,317 Thank you and goodnight, England. 181 00:07:40,887 --> 00:07:43,799 Alan, Alan, where do management go? 182 00:07:43,847 --> 00:07:45,644 - Alan, let me in! Alan! - (TYRES SCREECH) 183 00:07:45,687 --> 00:07:47,439 The last Beemer out of Saigon. 184 00:07:47,487 --> 00:07:50,160 I'm at the mercy of the Vietnamese peasants. 185 00:07:50,207 --> 00:07:53,279 Please don't put me in a bamboo cage. 186 00:07:53,327 --> 00:07:55,204 Wow! So everything's just gone tits up. 187 00:07:55,247 --> 00:07:58,000 I mean, how mad is that? Headfuck or what? 188 00:07:58,047 --> 00:08:00,641 Yes, Jeremy. It is indeed a headfuck. 189 00:08:00,687 --> 00:08:03,565 Exactly. Pete was just saying a bunch might go down the Crown. 190 00:08:03,607 --> 00:08:04,483 The Crown? 191 00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:06,722 You know, where everyone goes on a Friday? 192 00:08:06,767 --> 00:08:10,123 Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, down the Crown. 193 00:08:10,167 --> 00:08:12,920 Great, one morning and he fits in better than me. 194 00:08:15,567 --> 00:08:17,842 Gone. All the lovely power. 195 00:08:19,407 --> 00:08:23,082 Might as well delete my spreadsheet of her coffee-break times. 196 00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:26,881 I cannot believe this. I can't. They've really screwed us, man. 197 00:08:26,927 --> 00:08:29,395 They've screwed me. They've diddled you, at most. 198 00:08:29,447 --> 00:08:32,325 It's like JLB never existed. 199 00:08:32,367 --> 00:08:34,164 Puff! Just puff! 200 00:08:34,207 --> 00:08:37,882 Gone. So sad. 201 00:08:37,927 --> 00:08:39,280 Ooh. 202 00:08:39,327 --> 00:08:41,682 MARK: Urgh. Sophie. Alcohol. 203 00:08:41,727 --> 00:08:43,319 That can't be good for our baby. 204 00:08:43,367 --> 00:08:45,835 It's not our baby. Can you stop saying that? 205 00:08:45,887 --> 00:08:48,117 Ouch. Another one. 206 00:08:48,167 --> 00:08:49,600 You should give her a warning look, Mark. 207 00:08:49,647 --> 00:08:51,239 Let's try and give her a warning look. 208 00:08:51,287 --> 00:08:53,801 Is it OK, do you think, to get involved? 209 00:08:53,847 --> 00:08:56,202 I guess a bit of one of us is on board. 210 00:08:56,247 --> 00:08:59,239 The baby is a bit like our embassy on her territory. 211 00:08:59,287 --> 00:09:01,642 Let's not have a little pisshead, Mark. 212 00:09:01,687 --> 00:09:04,565 MARK: The first of many pub visits the baby's going to ruin. 213 00:09:04,607 --> 00:09:06,962 Hi. We were just wondering... 214 00:09:07,007 --> 00:09:09,077 - What? - The wine, Soph. 215 00:09:09,127 --> 00:09:12,164 - I've had one small glass. - We both know that's not true, 216 00:09:12,207 --> 00:09:14,767 so let's start with the facts, shall we, and... 217 00:09:14,807 --> 00:09:16,081 Cheers, Soph. 218 00:09:16,127 --> 00:09:17,276 Oh. We thought that was... 219 00:09:17,327 --> 00:09:20,046 One small spritzer, half a unit, should I have got written permission? 220 00:09:20,087 --> 00:09:23,875 Written permission! Listen to her, she's exaggerating for comic effect. 221 00:09:23,927 --> 00:09:26,521 It certainly has put me well and truly in my place. 222 00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:27,556 Hey, guess what? 223 00:09:27,607 --> 00:09:29,438 You love me and you want to move to Norway? 224 00:09:29,487 --> 00:09:32,877 Pete heard we're in profit. The German outfit's the one tanking, 225 00:09:32,927 --> 00:09:35,885 but Strauss is closing up the UK to save the mother ship. 226 00:09:35,927 --> 00:09:38,077 Jesus! You're kidding, is that true? 227 00:09:38,127 --> 00:09:41,403 Dunno, it might be one of those rumours you get after disasters. 228 00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:44,280 Like, did you know nobody with an Apple Mac died on 9/11? 229 00:09:44,327 --> 00:09:47,683 But we can't let them... split up the team. 230 00:09:47,727 --> 00:09:52,243 I mean, you and me and, and, you know, Lisa. 231 00:09:52,287 --> 00:09:53,561 It would be a tragedy... 232 00:09:53,607 --> 00:09:55,563 If I couldn't see you any more. We've got to fight back. 233 00:09:55,607 --> 00:09:56,596 Yeah! 234 00:09:56,647 --> 00:10:00,083 Hear, hear. It's too beautiful a thing to let just go puff! 235 00:10:00,127 --> 00:10:04,803 OK, gotta build a JLB life raft. Haul Dobby out of the water. 236 00:10:04,847 --> 00:10:08,203 "Come aboard, shipmate. Now let's get you out of those wet clothes. " 237 00:10:09,447 --> 00:10:12,598 I was thinking, JLB Survivors' Campaign Group. 238 00:10:12,647 --> 00:10:15,161 Right, yeah. A grassroots campaign to get justice. 239 00:10:15,207 --> 00:10:17,675 Grassroots, yeah. But with me as the chair. 240 00:10:17,727 --> 00:10:20,799 Or president. President or chair. Which do you reckon? 241 00:10:20,847 --> 00:10:22,644 Doesn't matter. We'll campaign and I'll write a blog 242 00:10:22,687 --> 00:10:25,406 and I'll write to my MP and I might go on The One Show... 243 00:10:25,447 --> 00:10:28,564 And I've got an idea for a rather savage satirical cartoon. 244 00:10:28,607 --> 00:10:31,246 We could do a benefit night and I might do a skit. 245 00:10:31,287 --> 00:10:33,437 You, in a skit? In front of people? 246 00:10:33,487 --> 00:10:35,637 It just think it would be fun. I might do a skit with Dobby. 247 00:10:35,687 --> 00:10:37,917 Oh, right. I get it. Yeah, the swish of the curtain, 248 00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:41,084 the smell of the greasepaint. The rub-job in the dressing room. 249 00:10:41,127 --> 00:10:42,606 Oi, oi. 250 00:10:42,647 --> 00:10:45,366 3:40pm. Back home. Slightly pissed. 251 00:10:45,407 --> 00:10:48,080 Guess what? We both went to work and it was brilliant, 252 00:10:48,127 --> 00:10:50,800 but then the whole company got shut down and it was mad shit. 253 00:10:50,847 --> 00:10:51,916 We're both out of a job. 254 00:10:51,967 --> 00:10:54,765 Oh, well. More work for the men with ven. 255 00:10:54,807 --> 00:10:57,241 Recession. Supper time for the vanners, dude. 256 00:10:57,287 --> 00:11:01,565 All these big beasts going belly up, we're just vanning their shit out. 257 00:11:01,607 --> 00:11:03,598 Might give my contact a bell. 258 00:11:03,647 --> 00:11:06,764 See what bits of the JLB corpse there are to chow down on. 259 00:11:06,807 --> 00:11:09,002 Hans, please. This is hard for us. 260 00:11:09,047 --> 00:11:11,800 I feel that something's died inside, don't you, Mark? 261 00:11:11,847 --> 00:11:13,166 Uh-huh. 262 00:11:13,207 --> 00:11:15,243 It's such a weird day for all of us JLBers. 263 00:11:15,287 --> 00:11:17,755 I mean, the whole thing's gone. Just... puff! 264 00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:20,799 - Can you please stop doing that? - Why? I'm really depressed. 265 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,917 - You're not allowed to be depressed. - Why not? 266 00:11:22,967 --> 00:11:26,004 Because you're freeloading on my trauma. You're a grief thief. 267 00:11:26,047 --> 00:11:28,607 Bollocks. I really felt I was finding my niche. 268 00:11:28,647 --> 00:11:31,286 You can't find your niche between 9 and 11:30. 269 00:11:31,327 --> 00:11:33,204 Since when did you set the niche-finding times? 270 00:11:33,247 --> 00:11:36,683 Look, the only reason you're romanticising this job is you'll never get do it again. 271 00:11:36,727 --> 00:11:39,446 Oi, oi, oi! Byatt, Drabble. 272 00:11:39,487 --> 00:11:41,682 Relax. Come and have a look at this. 273 00:11:41,727 --> 00:11:44,525 MARK: Jesus. Look at it. 274 00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:48,446 I wonder who the Prime Minister will be when I've finished the repayments. 275 00:11:48,487 --> 00:11:50,000 An unborn Miliband? 276 00:11:50,047 --> 00:11:54,006 The depression is here and my new sofa is a white elephant. 277 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,082 It's a creamy elephant. 278 00:11:55,127 --> 00:11:57,482 Please don't call it the creamy elephant. 279 00:11:57,527 --> 00:11:59,119 I think I'm going to be sick. 280 00:11:59,167 --> 00:12:03,797 Jez, listen. If you're at a loose end, I might need a couple of guys, 281 00:12:03,847 --> 00:12:06,156 do a job, cash-in-hand. 282 00:12:06,207 --> 00:12:10,519 Oh! The high quality upholstery is like a knife in my back. 283 00:12:10,567 --> 00:12:12,523 All we need is another guy. 284 00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:14,842 Any guy with hands and arms and legs 285 00:12:14,887 --> 00:12:18,038 who might be around to just jump in the van and earn a few quid. 286 00:12:18,087 --> 00:12:19,679 Hm. A guy... 287 00:12:19,727 --> 00:12:23,436 A guy who needs a bit of cash, a guy, a guy, a guy... 288 00:12:23,487 --> 00:12:26,479 Where can we find just a regular guy, any guy? 289 00:12:26,527 --> 00:12:29,360 I'm trying to think, but I can't think. 290 00:12:30,127 --> 00:12:31,924 (MARK COUGHS) 291 00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:35,243 How did this happen? I woke up Branson, 292 00:12:35,287 --> 00:12:39,519 end the day humping shit cash-in-hand for Super Hans. 293 00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:40,966 Where do I go? 294 00:12:41,007 --> 00:12:44,044 You're riding bitch on the bitch rack. 295 00:12:44,087 --> 00:12:45,645 God, Hans is my boss. 296 00:12:45,687 --> 00:12:48,360 Jeremy is probably my line manager. 297 00:12:48,407 --> 00:12:51,001 Sorry for the delay. 298 00:12:51,047 --> 00:12:53,561 While I was waiting for the food, 299 00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:55,199 I actually sketched out a potential invite 300 00:12:55,247 --> 00:12:58,523 for the JLB survivors' fundraiser. 301 00:12:58,567 --> 00:13:01,957 It's just a satirical sideswipe at the corporate culture. 302 00:13:02,007 --> 00:13:07,286 Star Wars? "If you stroke my down I shall become more purrful 303 00:13:07,327 --> 00:13:09,079 "than you can possibly imagine." 304 00:13:09,127 --> 00:13:10,640 Yeah. 305 00:13:10,687 --> 00:13:12,917 Isn't down for a duck, not a cat? 306 00:13:12,967 --> 00:13:16,676 Yes, but it's got to be cat because of "purrful." 307 00:13:16,727 --> 00:13:18,365 - Does it? - Yes. 308 00:13:18,407 --> 00:13:20,967 - But, "If you stroke my down..." - Yes. 309 00:13:21,007 --> 00:13:22,360 ...it's definitely got to be a duck. 310 00:13:22,407 --> 00:13:24,796 You're over-analysing. People will be laughing so hard 311 00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:28,396 they won't be thinking about what it does or doesn't mean, Jeremy. 312 00:13:28,447 --> 00:13:29,846 Where's my fucking nuggets? 313 00:13:29,887 --> 00:13:32,845 I've dropped about six social classes since this morning. 314 00:13:32,887 --> 00:13:34,206 And where's my onion rings? 315 00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,965 This is, this is... 316 00:13:36,007 --> 00:13:38,999 You fucked this order right up, haven't you? Eh? 317 00:13:39,047 --> 00:13:40,924 Haven't you? 318 00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:43,117 Eh? Answer me! 319 00:13:43,167 --> 00:13:44,316 Yes. 320 00:13:44,367 --> 00:13:47,962 Right, I'm having your chicken wrap. Jez, you can have the chips. 321 00:13:48,007 --> 00:13:52,842 You... can have this little bit of matter. 322 00:13:52,887 --> 00:13:56,562 Eurghl For once in my life I've done enough physical labour 323 00:13:56,607 --> 00:13:58,040 to merit a high-carb meal 324 00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:01,841 and all I'm left with is an indeterminate puck of gristle. 325 00:14:04,527 --> 00:14:07,837 Boss of the JLB survivors. Yesl probably a lot 326 00:14:07,887 --> 00:14:11,516 of organisations got started to bag pussy for their leaders. 327 00:14:11,567 --> 00:14:14,161 Charles Manson and his family, Henry VIII and the Church of England. 328 00:14:14,207 --> 00:14:16,323 I've been doing vodka shots with the phone pigs. 329 00:14:16,367 --> 00:14:18,244 It's great to see all the old faces, isn't it? 330 00:14:18,287 --> 00:14:22,803 Yes, Jeremy, I invited everyone, even Steffan Strauss from Frankfurt, 331 00:14:22,847 --> 00:14:26,806 though I doubt he'll be showing his face, not after my cartoon. 332 00:14:26,847 --> 00:14:29,156 - You saw the cartoon, Soph? - Yeah. 333 00:14:29,207 --> 00:14:31,516 - Did you like it? - Yeah. 334 00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:33,717 Oh, brilliant. What did you like about it? 335 00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:35,644 It was a sort of joke, wasn't it? 336 00:14:35,687 --> 00:14:37,757 Yeah, that's right, Soph, exactly. 337 00:14:37,807 --> 00:14:41,197 Yeah, I'm not gonna squeeze too much praise out of that dry old stone. 338 00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:42,646 Probably went straight over her head. 339 00:14:42,687 --> 00:14:44,996 - Dobbs, hey there. - Hi, Mark. 340 00:14:45,047 --> 00:14:47,925 Did you get a chance to have a look at my speech? Was it OK? 341 00:14:47,967 --> 00:14:51,516 Oh, yeah, amazing. Martin Luther Corrigan. 342 00:14:51,567 --> 00:14:55,480 And do you think I should call head office "avaricious profit cannibals", 343 00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:58,678 - or "mendacious bonus junkies"? - Well, you're the boss, you decide. 344 00:14:58,727 --> 00:15:00,763 Exactly, I'm the boss. 345 00:15:00,807 --> 00:15:03,605 I am the boss again. 346 00:15:03,647 --> 00:15:06,525 I'd better go, make sure Skunky Pete knows how to crank up the volume. 347 00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:10,321 - Tell him to turn it up to 11. - (LAUGHS) 348 00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:13,882 - That's a Spinal Tap joke. - I know. 349 00:15:15,407 --> 00:15:18,319 (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) 350 00:15:18,367 --> 00:15:21,996 MARK: Look at them all, nervous now, that's natural. 351 00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:24,800 This is how Frost felt before the first That Was The Week, 352 00:15:24,847 --> 00:15:26,838 or Through The Keyhole. How do I look? Do I look all right? 353 00:15:26,887 --> 00:15:30,846 - Great. You're going to be great, man. - Thanks. I just need... 354 00:15:30,887 --> 00:15:32,206 The moustache? 355 00:15:32,247 --> 00:15:36,445 Yeah. I'm having a mini wobble on the moustache. What do you think? 356 00:15:36,487 --> 00:15:40,162 I just feel... I'm not trying to associate JLB HQ with the Nazis, 357 00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:43,677 that would be reductive. I just want to hint at certain similarities 358 00:15:43,727 --> 00:15:46,799 in terms of the unquestioning approach both power structures 359 00:15:46,847 --> 00:15:50,078 want their underlings to adopt. Do you think people will get that? 360 00:15:50,127 --> 00:15:51,526 Yeah. 361 00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:53,637 Maybe an Erich Honecker, 362 00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:56,679 a Bismarck, something a little more tasty? 363 00:15:56,727 --> 00:15:59,366 Mark, you've got to get the shit-munchers onside. 364 00:15:59,407 --> 00:16:00,920 Adolf is a guaranteed hooter. 365 00:16:03,567 --> 00:16:05,080 Hitler me, Jez. 366 00:16:05,127 --> 00:16:09,006 I'm becoming the Führer - the Führer of laughs. 367 00:16:10,487 --> 00:16:13,877 (GERMAN ACCENT) So, what have we here? An ailing patient, 368 00:16:13,927 --> 00:16:18,125 but one who's delivering consistent profits, except for 2003. 369 00:16:18,167 --> 00:16:21,239 What on earth happened here? 370 00:16:21,287 --> 00:16:23,482 DOBBY: Barbara spunked a grand on the Christmas do. 371 00:16:23,527 --> 00:16:27,202 Should have kept line for myself. She doesn't know who Barbara is. 372 00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:30,683 So, let the surgery begin. 373 00:16:30,727 --> 00:16:32,046 Bloody hell, this is greatl 374 00:16:32,087 --> 00:16:34,681 I've single-handedly re-launched the satire boom. 375 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,046 (LAUGHTER) 376 00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:39,522 Oh, my God. They loved it! 377 00:16:39,567 --> 00:16:42,240 They didn't seem to go crazy for the outsourcing IT material. 378 00:16:42,287 --> 00:16:45,006 Maybe they just spunked their wad on the farmyard kettle shit. 379 00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:46,685 I know, that was massive! 380 00:16:46,727 --> 00:16:50,561 I'm drinking champagne, I've written and directed a hit play 381 00:16:50,607 --> 00:16:52,404 it's the bohemian dream. 382 00:16:52,447 --> 00:16:55,120 Man, that was so funny. Some of the guys said it could be on TV. 383 00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:59,763 Oh, God, what a ridiculous idea, that on TV! 384 00:16:59,807 --> 00:17:02,367 No, not without a lot of editing. 385 00:17:02,407 --> 00:17:05,319 It really is a crazy idea at its current duration. 386 00:17:05,367 --> 00:17:07,244 And Steffan Strauss made it after all. 387 00:17:07,287 --> 00:17:09,437 I'm sorry? 388 00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:11,000 Hello, uh, Mark. 389 00:17:11,047 --> 00:17:13,402 Oh, hi, Steffan. 390 00:17:13,447 --> 00:17:17,326 We got your invite and we wanted to show everyone's appreciation 391 00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:21,326 from the Frankfurt end for the UK operation's good work over the years. 392 00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:22,766 Did you see the skit? 393 00:17:22,807 --> 00:17:24,206 Yes, I saw the skit. 394 00:17:24,247 --> 00:17:25,805 Oh, right. Good. 395 00:17:25,847 --> 00:17:28,759 I've gone too far. Permanent marker. 396 00:17:28,807 --> 00:17:32,322 I'm Russell Brand. Steffan's lovely Andrew Sachs. Has it gone? 397 00:17:32,367 --> 00:17:34,927 No, and obviously there must be a lot of anxiety 398 00:17:34,967 --> 00:17:39,961 over bonus and salary issues, but JLB is doing all it can to help. 399 00:17:40,007 --> 00:17:41,281 That's great. 400 00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:45,002 Maybe we can chat further when you've taken off your costume? 401 00:17:45,047 --> 00:17:47,117 I'm really sorry about the moustache. 402 00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,601 No, no, it's fine. It's a difficult time. 403 00:17:49,647 --> 00:17:53,083 To me, Germany is Goethe and Thomas Mann 404 00:17:53,127 --> 00:17:57,678 and Boris Becker, but it's difficult to do a Goethe moustache. 405 00:17:57,727 --> 00:18:00,036 Did Goethe have a moustache, out of interest? 406 00:18:00,087 --> 00:18:03,124 I don't know. I don't think so. Maybe. 407 00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:07,240 Really? That's fascinating. I'd like to talk with you more about Goethe. 408 00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:08,606 I really am no expert. 409 00:18:08,647 --> 00:18:10,603 Oh, you're too modest. 410 00:18:10,647 --> 00:18:12,877 Look, come and have a chat next door when you're ready. 411 00:18:12,927 --> 00:18:17,159 Oh, into the interrogation room with the Gestapo. 412 00:18:17,207 --> 00:18:18,765 Not Gestapol 413 00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:22,243 Just normal German federal or state police. 414 00:18:23,647 --> 00:18:25,797 So, what did you, um? 415 00:18:25,847 --> 00:18:28,361 Steffan wanted to have a chat with you about some issues, 416 00:18:28,407 --> 00:18:31,444 about your JLB survivors' group. It doesn't look good, 417 00:18:31,487 --> 00:18:33,364 some of the accusations flying around. 418 00:18:33,407 --> 00:18:34,635 We don't like friction. 419 00:18:34,687 --> 00:18:38,646 Their thing is... if the campaign were to quieten down, 420 00:18:38,687 --> 00:18:40,518 maybe there'd be a few more resources for redundancy. 421 00:18:40,567 --> 00:18:42,444 You might even get your bonus. 422 00:18:42,487 --> 00:18:43,761 They'll give us what we want?! 423 00:18:43,807 --> 00:18:46,162 No. But they can give you what you want. 424 00:18:46,207 --> 00:18:50,758 On a one-off basis, if all this unpleasantness was to go away. 425 00:18:52,087 --> 00:18:56,285 They want to stuff my mouth with gold. Lovely, chewy gold. 426 00:18:56,327 --> 00:18:58,557 I could pay-off the sofa, I could buy the matching chair. 427 00:18:58,607 --> 00:19:02,361 I told Steffan you might not have the arsehole for this, Mark. 428 00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:04,523 You need a brass ringpiece to handle this. 429 00:19:04,567 --> 00:19:08,116 The question is, can you put a lid on the squid? 430 00:19:10,407 --> 00:19:12,716 DOBBY: Listen up, mofos, 431 00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:16,760 cos it's the right honourable Mr Mark Corrigan. 432 00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:20,561 (CHEERING) 433 00:19:20,607 --> 00:19:22,199 MAN: Speak for England, Arthur. 434 00:19:22,247 --> 00:19:24,397 MARK: Oh, that's good, he must have Googled that. 435 00:19:24,447 --> 00:19:25,482 Heil, Mark. 436 00:19:25,527 --> 00:19:26,755 (HE MOUTHS) 437 00:19:26,807 --> 00:19:31,403 Thank you, thank you, and it's great that you could all come today. 438 00:19:31,447 --> 00:19:35,963 It's been a great afternoon and we've had a lot of laughs, 439 00:19:36,007 --> 00:19:38,885 and I'd just like to say about the JLB survivors' group, 440 00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:42,237 and the final salary payout battle, 441 00:19:42,287 --> 00:19:47,156 well, it's been a week now and I think the time has come 442 00:19:47,207 --> 00:19:53,885 for us to stand up and say, "We tried, we failed and we're moving on." 443 00:19:53,927 --> 00:19:56,566 - (THEY MURMUR) - What do you mean? 444 00:19:56,607 --> 00:20:02,716 Look, JLB is a big multinational and it's served us all 445 00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:06,555 a great big shit sandwich, but what we've got to do 446 00:20:06,607 --> 00:20:08,996 is we've just got to eat it down. 447 00:20:09,047 --> 00:20:12,596 So let's go forward, conserve our energy, 448 00:20:12,647 --> 00:20:18,165 let bygones be bygones, turn the music up and have a great time! 449 00:20:18,207 --> 00:20:20,084 Over to you, Mr DJ! 450 00:20:20,127 --> 00:20:24,405 MARK: Oh, great(l) The chopper's leaving Saigon without me again. 451 00:20:24,447 --> 00:20:27,325 Just get to the buffet - the safety of the buffet. 452 00:20:27,367 --> 00:20:30,564 If I can stuff my mouth with enough salami, I won't be able to answer 453 00:20:30,607 --> 00:20:32,802 any difficult questions. - What the hell was that? 454 00:20:32,847 --> 00:20:35,486 Yeah, great party. Have you tried the baba ghanoush? 455 00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,882 - What about our money? - When are we gonna get our money? 456 00:20:37,927 --> 00:20:40,122 You worked at JLB for less than three hours. 457 00:20:40,167 --> 00:20:41,805 I'll give you your bloody money! 458 00:20:41,847 --> 00:20:45,203 There's your money! £14.50! Are you happy now? 459 00:20:45,247 --> 00:20:46,680 A bit, yes. 460 00:20:46,727 --> 00:20:49,036 Did they nobble you, Mark, in the back room? 461 00:20:49,087 --> 00:20:51,282 Are you kidding?! I kicked off! 462 00:20:51,327 --> 00:20:54,922 I really want to hurt those bastards! I think the cartoon rocked them. 463 00:20:54,967 --> 00:20:58,004 Let me have a think about another savage pun. 464 00:20:58,047 --> 00:21:01,676 Oh, bollocks, Mark! Words and speeches and ideas never change anything. 465 00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:03,445 - Let's do something. - MAN: Yeah! 466 00:21:03,487 --> 00:21:04,806 Who's up for a raiding party? 467 00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:08,237 MARK: Got to get Dobby back onside. The doors will definitely be locked. 468 00:21:08,287 --> 00:21:09,925 Time for a futile gesture. 469 00:21:09,967 --> 00:21:11,241 Let's do this thing! 470 00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:15,925 - I can't believe they left the door open. - MARK: Thank God for that. 471 00:21:15,967 --> 00:21:17,366 - Super Hans? - What are you doing here? 472 00:21:17,407 --> 00:21:19,284 We're going up there, to fuck shit up. 473 00:21:19,327 --> 00:21:20,680 No way. 474 00:21:20,727 --> 00:21:23,161 Oh, right, fair enough. I suppose we'd better all just... 475 00:21:23,207 --> 00:21:25,277 - What?! - Sorry, man. I've got keys. 476 00:21:25,327 --> 00:21:28,080 MARK: Of course he's got keysl He's carving up the JLB corpse. 477 00:21:28,127 --> 00:21:29,845 We're just gonna take what's ours. 478 00:21:29,887 --> 00:21:32,640 Make your protest through the agreed grievance procedure - 479 00:21:32,687 --> 00:21:35,440 - that's a good procedure. - Riot! 480 00:21:35,487 --> 00:21:39,162 - Put it back, bitch! That's JLB's. - MARK: It's the pass at Thermopylae. 481 00:21:39,207 --> 00:21:41,675 We're the Spartans... Nol Hans is the Spartans. 482 00:21:41,727 --> 00:21:45,197 - Come on, Mark! - Hold on, am I a Spartan or a Persian? 483 00:21:45,247 --> 00:21:46,805 Fuck it, I'll work it out later. 484 00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:50,044 OK, what's the minimum criminal damage I can get away with? 485 00:21:50,087 --> 00:21:53,796 Take that! Our work here is done! Let's go! 486 00:21:53,847 --> 00:21:54,802 Snow storm! 487 00:21:54,847 --> 00:21:59,204 MARK: OK, there is a nuclear reaction under way. But I can be a cooling rod. 488 00:21:59,247 --> 00:22:02,523 They're the hard spirits, I'm the carbonated mixer. 489 00:22:02,567 --> 00:22:05,286 How can I distract the savages? 490 00:22:05,327 --> 00:22:09,923 Keyboardl Apparent crusade for justice, reduced risk of RSI at home. 491 00:22:09,967 --> 00:22:12,561 Double bubble. I've got it! I've got the keyboard! 492 00:22:12,607 --> 00:22:15,075 Mission accomplished, guys! Let's roll. 493 00:22:15,127 --> 00:22:16,879 MARK: Why has he got his shirt off? 494 00:22:16,927 --> 00:22:19,122 Any excuse and he'll take his shirt off. 495 00:22:19,167 --> 00:22:20,202 Come on, Mark! 496 00:22:20,247 --> 00:22:23,125 Oh, Godl Got to respond. 497 00:22:23,167 --> 00:22:25,727 She's got a cock. Need to get a cock of my own. 498 00:22:25,767 --> 00:22:27,917 Suck on this! 499 00:22:27,967 --> 00:22:29,719 Take it, foam face! 500 00:22:29,767 --> 00:22:33,646 Dobby's hard-on's coming all over me. This is my dream, my nightmarel 501 00:22:33,687 --> 00:22:36,520 Eat my foam, eat it up! 502 00:22:36,567 --> 00:22:38,285 Never foam alone! 503 00:22:38,327 --> 00:22:40,238 (LAUGHING) Foam home, foam home! 504 00:22:40,287 --> 00:22:42,562 Oh, this is better than sexl 505 00:22:42,607 --> 00:22:47,203 It's easier than sex. Oh, my Godl That wasn't my main photocopier, 506 00:22:47,247 --> 00:22:49,681 but it was a trusty steed when the main one was busy. 507 00:22:49,727 --> 00:22:52,924 Screw itl Who needs photocopiers when you've got a woman 508 00:22:52,967 --> 00:22:54,958 and a high-resolution printer that scans? 509 00:22:55,007 --> 00:22:56,042 Shall we? 510 00:22:56,087 --> 00:22:59,045 Yeah, I mean, I've copied a lot of shit on this copier, 511 00:22:59,087 --> 00:23:00,725 but who the hell even cares? 512 00:23:03,167 --> 00:23:05,635 - (ALL LAUGH) - STEFFAN: Mark? 513 00:23:05,687 --> 00:23:08,440 - (LAUGHTER STOPS) - Hello, Steffan. What are you? 514 00:23:08,487 --> 00:23:10,557 We're shredding, Mark. What's going on? 515 00:23:10,607 --> 00:23:16,079 Nothing. Well, I mean, obviously we're fucking everything up, 516 00:23:16,127 --> 00:23:18,436 and the fact that you're probably insured for all this 517 00:23:18,487 --> 00:23:20,796 doesn't make a blind bit of difference to us. 518 00:23:20,847 --> 00:23:25,637 - Yeah. - Yeah, so suck it up, you douche bag! 519 00:23:25,687 --> 00:23:29,236 MARK: Well, got Dobby, but there goes the Nazi gold. 520 00:23:29,287 --> 00:23:32,438 Back into the vault with all the Rembrandts. 521 00:23:32,487 --> 00:23:38,278 522 00:23:38,327 --> 00:23:41,797 523 00:23:41,847 --> 00:23:46,204