1
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:28,149
Well, this is pretty much
the grossest thing I've seen.

2
00:02:31,778 --> 00:02:33,738
No, ma'am. It's actually
a lot better than that.

3
00:02:33,738 --> 00:02:37,074
Let me, let me pull something up
on my computer really fast.

4
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,409
Oh, there it is.

5
00:02:38,409 --> 00:02:41,829
Um, did you know that
nine out of ten doctors

6
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:45,333
recommend this
as the only way to quit smoking?

7
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,668
Can you hold on a second?
Fuck you! Fuck!

8
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,129
Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.

9
00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:51,923
- Hey, Tim.
'oh, hey, Evan.

10
00:02:51,923 --> 00:02:53,341
Have you guys put together
the numbers

11
00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:54,759
for Friday's presentation yet?

12
00:02:54,759 --> 00:02:56,219
What presentation?

13
00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:58,513
Phallusite.
Phallusite presentation.

14
00:02:58,513 --> 00:03:00,807
Oh, is that the
bigger dick thing pill--

15
00:03:00,807 --> 00:03:03,851
- Natural male enhancement, yeah.
- Right.

16
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,478
- Does that thing even work?
- It totally works.

17
00:03:05,645 --> 00:03:08,189
- Heard it turns your junk green.
- It still works.

18
00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:10,399
Doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if it works.

19
00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:13,152
All that matters is that
we land the account, all right?

20
00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:16,823
And then I can remove "acting"
from acting sales manager.

21
00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:18,491
Hmm, well, I'm on it, man.

22
00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,159
- You can count on me.
- Thank you.

23
00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:24,622
Pick it up. Pick up the gun.

24
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,376
- They never...
- Tim.

25
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,503
- Tim.
- I'm on a sales call.

26
00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:33,422
Ma'am, listen,
if you're not gonna buy this--

27
00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,341
- You're gonna die.
- Shit!

28
00:03:35,341 --> 00:03:37,343
Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.

29
00:03:37,343 --> 00:03:39,345
You, too? Mike, get to work.

30
00:03:39,345 --> 00:03:41,973
- You owe me 50 bucks.
- Shit!

31
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:46,227
Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?

32
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:52,692
Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge,
but you wouldn't happen to have

33
00:03:52,692 --> 00:03:55,570
that $20 you owe me for the NCAA
tournament pool, would you?

34
00:03:55,570 --> 00:03:57,280
Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.

35
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,615
It's been such a bear
collecting from people.

36
00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:01,075
Kinda short on cash this month.

37
00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:03,619
My cat has a cleft palate
he needs surgery for.

38
00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:06,247
He's constantly lapping milk
into his eyes.

39
00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:07,582
It's really tragic.

40
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:14,213
Okay, bada-bada-bada...

41
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,798
That's baseball, dumb ass.

42
00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:18,134
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I fuck up the rules

43
00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:20,011
of this incredibly well-defined
and professional sport

44
00:04:20,011 --> 00:04:21,095
that we just came up with?

45
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:25,224
Yeah, I'm just saying that this
is clearly a basketball throw.

46
00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:27,518
Okay, but I'm sure
someone has thrown a baseball--

47
00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:28,978
Yeah, nobody has ever
thrown a baseball.

48
00:04:29,145 --> 00:04:30,855
- In the history of baseball--
- No adult male has.

49
00:04:30,855 --> 00:04:32,565
In the history of baseball,
major league baseball...

50
00:04:32,732 --> 00:04:34,191
[CLEARS THROAT]

51
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:37,069
- Uh, can I help you?
- Yes, thank you, actually.

52
00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:40,781
I'm supposed to be working
with Evan Sanders today.

53
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,200
- Yeah, he comes in at 9:30.
- It's 10:45.

54
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,994
Look, look, you can
actually see it vibrate.

55
00:04:44,994 --> 00:04:46,579
Of course, because there's
more than one element.

56
00:04:46,746 --> 00:04:48,956
So is Evan here
or should I grab a cubicle--

57
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,666
You'll know when
he gets here, okay?

58
00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:52,001
He'll start
bugging you for shit.

59
00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:54,253
Now, if you need something
to do, you can get me coffee.

60
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,256
- Aren't you already drinking--
- Hey, sport.

61
00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,549
You see that garbage over there?

62
00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:01,636
Grab it and throw it
in the dumpster in the garage.

63
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,221
Don't we have a good janitor
who can do that?

64
00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:07,934
Yeah, well, his time's valuable.
Goodbye!

65
00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:10,770
- All right.
- Byeee!

66
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,023
Don't waste those.

67
00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:17,068
Five-five. This is it.

68
00:05:17,068 --> 00:05:18,569
- That's the one.
- This is the one.

69
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,029
- I can feel it.
- All right.

70
00:05:23,908 --> 00:05:25,076
[SCREAMS] Yes!

71
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,508
[METAL CLANKING]

72
00:05:45,096 --> 00:05:46,681
[METAL CLANKING]

73
00:05:49,058 --> 00:05:50,476
[LOUD CLANKING]

74
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,522
Identify yourself, soldier.

75
00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:58,067
Oh, uh, I'm Jack,
the new intern.

76
00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:00,403
I'm just taking out the trash.

77
00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:01,862
- Don't we have a janitor?
- You do.

78
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,364
[SCREAMS]

79
00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:05,324
- Jerry.
- Frank.

80
00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:08,369
Follow protocol.

81
00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,665
It's my first day.

82
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,086
Thanks for pitching in.

83
00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:37,023
[LOUD CLANKING]

84
00:06:37,189 --> 00:06:41,277
[SCREAMING]

85
00:06:41,861 --> 00:06:45,281
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

86
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,911
- Screws up his equilibrium.
- What's up, dildos?

87
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,664
Hey there, Andrew.
Sorry to be a Pokety Paul,

88
00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:54,957
but you wouldn't happen to have

89
00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:57,376
that money you owe me
for the NCAA pool, do you?

90
00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:59,336
- Didn't I lose that thing?
- It's not about that.

91
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,756
It's about office fun.
[CHUCKLES]

92
00:07:01,756 --> 00:07:05,259
My cat's got a cleft palate, is
allergic to some types of air.

93
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,719
- Hey, Mike.
- Fuck off!

94
00:07:06,719 --> 00:07:09,138
All right. A little early
for that kind of language,

95
00:07:09,138 --> 00:07:11,474
but tomorrow works
for me too, buddy.

96
00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:13,184
- All right, well, see you.
- See you, Dave.

97
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,352
Real nice, guys.

98
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,980
No one pays Dave, he's gonna
stop running the pools.

99
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:22,026
No, he's not. It's the only way
anyone ever talks to the guy.

100
00:07:22,026 --> 00:07:23,360
Tim!

101
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,113
I thought you were working
on the Phallusite presentation.

102
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:27,448
What's Phallusite?

103
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:31,202
You kidding me? Have you guys
done any work today?

104
00:07:31,202 --> 00:07:32,328
No.

105
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:34,622
AMANDA: Hey, boys.

106
00:07:34,789 --> 00:07:36,332
ALL: Hey!

107
00:07:36,332 --> 00:07:40,002
Damn! For head of HR,
you look fucking sexy.

108
00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:42,213
Too kind, too kind.

109
00:07:42,213 --> 00:07:45,424
- Mandy, can we please talk?
- Don't call me Mandy.

110
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:48,636
[MACHINE BEEPING]

111
00:07:48,803 --> 00:07:50,763
Andrew, how was your weekend?

112
00:07:50,930 --> 00:07:53,516
Uh, it was good.
I banged my neighbor.

113
00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:55,309
Finally. All right!

114
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,144
You're talking about
the hot Ukrainian chick?

115
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,604
Uh, it was actually her mom.

116
00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:00,606
- That's decent. Proud of you.
- Mandy.

117
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:04,777
Please, can we talk privately?
Just somewhere else.

118
00:08:04,944 --> 00:08:08,239
Why? This is
a corporate break room.

119
00:08:08,239 --> 00:08:10,783
Since we just have
a business relationship,

120
00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:13,953
then, whatever it is
that you need to say to me,

121
00:08:13,953 --> 00:08:17,623
you can say in front of
all of our business associates.

122
00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:18,833
Right?

123
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:22,711
Okay, fine. All right.
Look, what happened... What I...

124
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:26,423
I should have said,
okay, is that--

125
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:29,385
Hey, congratulations
on that NCAA pool.

126
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,888
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I actually hate Duke,

127
00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:34,306
but they win, so...

128
00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:41,105
Well, uh...

129
00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,233
You guys have a great day.

130
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:48,779
Except for you. Hope yours
is a horrible piece of shit.

131
00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:52,158
- Well, not if yours isn't first.
- Right.

132
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:55,995
Hey, I don't want to
overstep my bounds,

133
00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:58,164
but what the fuck! Jesus!

134
00:08:58,622 --> 00:08:59,915
I don't want to talk about it.

135
00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:03,169
Okay, that was just really
uncomfortable, that was like--

136
00:09:03,169 --> 00:09:05,421
I will. I know the story.
I'll totally talk about it.

137
00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:12,052
So, they're together.
Just the two of them, right?

138
00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:17,016
Evan.

139
00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:20,227
I love you.

140
00:09:22,438 --> 00:09:23,856
No.

141
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:32,281
MIKE: [LAUGHS] How could you
just say no?

142
00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:34,325
You could have
said anything else,

143
00:09:34,325 --> 00:09:35,826
like literally anything.

144
00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:38,329
I can't even wrap my brain

145
00:09:38,329 --> 00:09:41,498
around the way, like,
you would say no.

146
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,459
Fire! This could have been
the one time

147
00:09:43,459 --> 00:09:45,336
-you could have said fire.
- No.

148
00:09:45,336 --> 00:09:47,338
Could've called her a bitch,
that would have been better.

149
00:09:47,338 --> 00:09:49,298
- Just silence, just...
- No.

150
00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:51,300
You could have spoken
in tongues.

151
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:54,386
You could have
[TALKS GIBBERISH]

152
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,764
- Not even English. German!
- Nein.

153
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:59,642
I get it, okay. I get it.
I understand.

154
00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:02,853
Yes, I screwed up.
I understand that, okay?

155
00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:05,940
It just kind of came out, guys.
I don't know what happened.

156
00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,359
I just screwed up.

157
00:10:08,359 --> 00:10:09,652
You did screw up, man.

158
00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:12,613
She is the coolest girl ever.

159
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:16,116
I mean, remember when she kicked
all of our asses at paintball?

160
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:19,662
Why did she have all that camo
on her face? Unreal.

161
00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:21,872
Honestly, I bet dating her
is like dating a guy.

162
00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:26,460
Who is like a hot chick that has
a, you know, like a penis.

163
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:29,755
So, not a girl?

164
00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:33,634
No, still a girl. Did you not
listen to what I just said?

165
00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,095
- All right.
- No, it's a hot girl

166
00:10:36,095 --> 00:10:38,389
with a beautiful penis
but she's still...

167
00:10:38,389 --> 00:10:39,640
She's still a chick.

168
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,225
She just has guy parts.

169
00:10:41,225 --> 00:10:43,644
- I-I get where you're going.
- It's a feminine penis.

170
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,730
What if it was
a guy with a vagina?

171
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,440
He makes a good point.

172
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:49,817
[SIGHS]

173
00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:52,778
- I'm an idiot.
- Yeah.

174
00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:53,988
Yeah.

175
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:59,326
You know, you and me,
a couple of margaritas.

176
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,371
That is so offensive.

177
00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:03,914
Why? That isn't racist.

178
00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:06,041
I know it's not racist.
I like margaritas.

179
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,585
I'm just offended
that you think I would date you.

180
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,087
[PHONE RINGING]

181
00:11:10,254 --> 00:11:13,215
Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew!

182
00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:15,676
Hey, Andrew, could you
please get your phone?

183
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,011
It's ringing off the hook, man.

184
00:11:17,011 --> 00:11:19,638
Oh, probably one of my

185
00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:23,225
man-like 15 female suitors.

186
00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:25,269
Your suitors are man-like?

187
00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,438
No, no, no. I mean,
man-like man!

188
00:11:27,438 --> 00:11:31,775
Not man like man-like.
You know, man like man--

189
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,610
Stop saying "man-like."

190
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,572
Could you get your phone?
It's probably a sales call.

191
00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:38,949
Probably a business-related
sales call.

192
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:42,369
I'll give you
the business-related later.

193
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,372
I'll talk to him, okay?

194
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:49,209
Uh, I heard what happened
with you and Amanda breaking up.

195
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:52,296
Oh, you heard about that?

196
00:11:52,296 --> 00:11:54,173
Yeah, well,
she's the head of HR,

197
00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:56,258
and she put out a memo.

198
00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:02,765
- Um, I-I--
- All right.

199
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:04,975
Andrew, get the phone!

200
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:09,021
- Evan. Can I bend your ear?
- Yeah. Hey.

201
00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:10,731
How's the presentation coming?

202
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,107
You're gonna be ready by Friday?

203
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:15,444
Yeah, Friday.
Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah.

204
00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:17,279
Yeah, we need
this account, Evan.

205
00:12:17,279 --> 00:12:18,739
Sales have been bad,

206
00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:22,701
but if we land this fish,
you'll save all our asses.

207
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:23,786
Yeah.

208
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:24,995
I know male enhancement

209
00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:27,706
isn't the most glamorous product
in the world but...

210
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:31,418
No. My sources tell me
it works actually.

211
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,961
Tell me if you need anything,

212
00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:35,005
'cause it's all hands on deck
on this one.

213
00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:36,548
Yeah.

214
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:39,051
I'm making a pretty big
announcement today

215
00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:41,720
about the next phase of
our company's future.

216
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,264
I need to know you're
gonna be a team player,

217
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,682
no matter what.

218
00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:50,229
Yeah. Yeah, Ted.
You can count on me.

219
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,148
My office, 10 minutes.

220
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,233
All right.

221
00:13:10,249 --> 00:13:11,959
Hey, guys. Guys, guess what?

222
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,544
I think Ted's gonna
make me sales manager.

223
00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:15,546
ALL: Oh!

224
00:13:15,546 --> 00:13:17,506
Bam! Snap!

225
00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:19,299
What?

226
00:13:21,135 --> 00:13:24,596
Bam, snap. It's like,
a new catchphrase I'm trying.

227
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,683
- Yeah, it's not really working.
- It's a work in progress.

228
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,394
- I love it.
- Thank you, Mike.

229
00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:31,728
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

230
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,355
I'm still working on
the inflection but...

231
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:35,107
- Ted's office in 10.
- It's a catchphrase.

232
00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:36,859
I feel like everyone
needs one in the office.

233
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:38,569
- That's why...
- Yeah, it's good though.

234
00:13:38,569 --> 00:13:42,030
Yeah. We really need to start
bringing fruit into this.

235
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:43,532
- We can eat it.
- I'm not ready for fruit.

236
00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:48,996
[KNOCK AT DOOR]

237
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:52,207
Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.

238
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:54,376
Uh, sorry. Sorry to bother you,

239
00:13:54,376 --> 00:13:56,545
but Ted wants everyone
in his office.

240
00:13:57,421 --> 00:14:00,716
He's got an announcement
to make, I guess.

241
00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:02,468
- Okay, got it.
- Okay.

242
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:08,015
I think he's gonna make me
sales manager. [CHUCKLES]

243
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,850
- Is that so?
- Yeah.

244
00:14:10,476 --> 00:14:12,019
Finally get that promotion.

245
00:14:13,479 --> 00:14:15,731
It's kinda crazy.
I can't believe it.

246
00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:18,567
It is so adult.
Manager, you know?

247
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:20,986
I feel like it was just,
you know,

248
00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:24,615
yesterday when we were kids,
just laughing

249
00:14:24,615 --> 00:14:27,534
and just saying stupid stuff.

250
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:32,414
And now,
we're looking after the kids.

251
00:14:33,457 --> 00:14:36,710
Right? You know, I was listening
to NPR this morning.

252
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,879
They were talking about
the monogamy of gibbons,

253
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:42,799
and it's just the cutest thing
I've ever seen.

254
00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:45,177
Or heard. It was on the radio,

255
00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,846
but they had these sound bites,
you know? They're

256
00:14:48,472 --> 00:14:52,184
a little chirping, you know.
These sweet monkey nothings--

257
00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:53,977
Evan. I have some things to do.

258
00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,855
- So if you'll excuse me.
- Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay.

259
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:59,608
- Uh, check in five.
- Right.

260
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:09,493
So, I'm sorry to say
without major improvements,

261
00:15:09,493 --> 00:15:11,203
we're gonna have to start
laying some people off.

262
00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:12,538
[COUGHS] Mike!

263
00:15:13,789 --> 00:15:15,332
It's time for a change.

264
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:21,004
Corporate [SIGHS] thinks we need
an official sales manager again.

265
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:24,007
And I couldn't agree more.

266
00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:27,928
So I'm proud to announce
our new manager of sales,

267
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,346
Max Phillips.

268
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,181
[SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE]

269
00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:34,893
- No, no, no. Not Max.
- Who the hell is Max?

270
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,144
What the hell is
going on right now?

271
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,146
Max, Evan and I
went to college together.

272
00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:39,147
It's kind of a long story.

273
00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:41,233
- Hey, Evan.
- Sup? [THUD]

274
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,652
- That wasn't a long story.
-No.

275
00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:47,322
Oh, did I mention that Max
slept with Evan's girlfriend,

276
00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,616
so Evan had Max kicked out
of school for cheating,

277
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,368
so Max punched Evan in the face?

278
00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,870
No. You skipped all that.

279
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,372
Question.

280
00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:58,000
- What do we sell here?
- Shake weights.

281
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,043
- Power mustaches.
- The Abinatrix.

282
00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,754
No, Michael. We sell dreams.

283
00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:03,839
[WHISPERS] He knows my name.

284
00:16:03,839 --> 00:16:07,009
Sales is... seduction.

285
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,679
And when you seduce,

286
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:13,098
do you say, "I have a 401k"?

287
00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:15,142
Or "I floss"? No.

288
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,436
You say...

289
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,064
"I love you."

290
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:22,858
[CLEARS THROAT]

291
00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:27,738
Because people make
decisions from the heart.

292
00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:29,865
If you wanna sell
a bunch of useless crap

293
00:16:29,865 --> 00:16:31,992
to fat losers in Alabama

294
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,703
and bored housewives in Iowa,

295
00:16:34,703 --> 00:16:36,955
feed their dreams.

296
00:16:37,623 --> 00:16:38,957
Convince them.

297
00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:43,420
Their lives can transcend the
pointless slog of being human.

298
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:47,549
Give them hope, open their eyes

299
00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:51,637
to something... bigger.

300
00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:57,309
Sink your teeth
into their poor pathetic lives.

301
00:16:58,602 --> 00:17:00,604
And give them life.

302
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:04,107
And better abs. [CHUCKLES]

303
00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:08,779
Our goal for this month is...

304
00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:12,491
one million dollars in sales.

305
00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:15,077
It's aggressive, yes,

306
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:17,204
but I'm confident we can hit it.

307
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:22,334
And if we don't, Ted and I
have already agreed...

308
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:26,046
we'll be forced
to kill all of you.

309
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:27,506
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

310
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,383
So you better do what he says.

311
00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:34,805
So, come on, let's get out there
and get selling.

312
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,934
- What the hell, Ted?
- Now, hold on a minute.

313
00:17:39,393 --> 00:17:41,061
No one ever
promised you that job.

314
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:44,856
Oh, yeah, I-I know,
but Max Phillips?

315
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:47,609
He's got an MBA.
He's got a great track record.

316
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,069
He comes highly recommended.

317
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:52,155
He has some very
interesting ideas for new hires.

318
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:54,616
Honestly, we're lucky
to have him.

319
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,371
How did you... Of all...

320
00:17:59,538 --> 00:18:01,665
Now, this isn't gonna be
a problem, now, is it?

321
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,627
- You working for Max?
- No. No!

322
00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:07,087
Of course not, I just...

323
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:09,673
I would have liked
a legitimate crack at the job

324
00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:12,342
before you brought in
someone else.

325
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:18,598
Look. I like you, Evan.
I really do.

326
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,143
I mean, you show up
for work on time.

327
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:22,728
You work hard.

328
00:18:22,728 --> 00:18:24,688
You legitimately give a shit.

329
00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:26,732
Thank you. I do!

330
00:18:26,732 --> 00:18:28,358
It's like I used to tell
the bench players

331
00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:29,651
back when I coached football,

332
00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:31,445
"The most important people
in the team

333
00:18:31,445 --> 00:18:33,655
"are the ones who make
the starters try."

334
00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:36,658
Now, you get out there.
There you go.

335
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,463
Thank you, Jerry.

336
00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:53,049
Those are the
employee files I requested?

337
00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:55,844
Oh, yes, I think so.

338
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:58,013
It might be helpful if you
were a little more specific

339
00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,931
about exactly what it is
you're looking for.

340
00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:04,603
Listen, Amanda, I know
you and Evan have a history,

341
00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:06,813
and I know that
you care about him.

342
00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:11,359
Uh... I'm the head of HR.

343
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,821
So, it's highly inappropriate
for me to discuss this--

344
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,490
Sure, sure, sure.
I'll tell you what.

345
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:17,949
[EERIE MUSIC]

346
00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:21,953
After I settle in, you and I can

347
00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:24,456
schedule some one-on-one
and get to know each other.

348
00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:26,875
Yeah, that sounds nice.

349
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,462
- Hey, buddy.
- Um...

350
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:32,923
Just a little HR talk.
Thanks, Mandy.

351
00:19:32,923 --> 00:19:34,966
- We'll circle...
- Hey, that's my...

352
00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,676
Where are you taking
Fuzz Aldrin?

353
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,724
Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has...
Why?

354
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,392
Long time no see. Am I right?

355
00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:53,109
Listen, Evan. I know you and I
had a little falling out.

356
00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,779
But as far as I'm concerned,

357
00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,364
water under the bridge.

358
00:19:58,323 --> 00:19:59,991
- Ancient history.
- Okay, good--

359
00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:01,493
It's all about
the company now, right?

360
00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:03,453
- Wait--
- I knew I could count on you.

361
00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:05,747
This is mine--

362
00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:08,583
MIKE: Boom shaka laka.
Who's the noob now, bitch?

363
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:10,877
Oh, now you wanna be
a little kid.

364
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,171
Okay. Well, you can cry
all night long

365
00:20:13,171 --> 00:20:15,590
'cause you just got
your ass whupped by a grownup

366
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,008
with a big-ass dick.

367
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:21,054
I'm gonna kill you.

368
00:20:22,097 --> 00:20:24,266
[ROARING]

369
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:31,815
[SNARLING]

370
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:38,154
Yeah.

371
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:41,950
Yeah. No, I'mma fuck you up.
I'm gonna fuck...

372
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,244
you UP-

373
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:47,455
Yeah, I see you.
Fuckin' eat that shit.

374
00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:49,916
Hey.
[GASPS]

375
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:55,422
Jesus, man! You gotta fucking
warn someone before you do that.

376
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:56,798
Office hours are over.

377
00:20:57,048 --> 00:20:59,759
Yeah, well,
high-speed internet's free,

378
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,845
and Elaine left
her Souplantation in the fridge.

379
00:21:01,845 --> 00:21:05,056
So, velvet rope off
this motherfucker right here

380
00:21:05,223 --> 00:21:07,851
because this is gonna be
my own personal club tonight.

381
00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:09,561
- Okay.
- Oh.

382
00:21:09,728 --> 00:21:11,396
And I'm gonna be dialing up
some Youjizz

383
00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:13,565
and busting out some knuckle
children in a couple of minutes

384
00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:16,401
so unless you wanna mop me up
here and here

385
00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:18,570
and here
and a little bit here

386
00:21:18,737 --> 00:21:20,488
-and some over here--
- I'll go take a smoke break.

387
00:21:22,449 --> 00:21:23,909
[ROAR ON TV]

388
00:21:24,826 --> 00:21:27,078
Oh, yeah, I'm back.
Oh, are the tears back?

389
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,998
Good. Yeah, take that.

390
00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:33,460
Oh. Oh-ho.
I hear the tears already coming.

391
00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:35,462
[ROARING]

392
00:21:41,092 --> 00:21:42,344
What the shit?

393
00:21:44,262 --> 00:21:45,972
I'm gonna go take a dump now.

394
00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:49,809
If anyone wanna steal something
from this company,

395
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:52,520
I'd be gone way too long
to do anything about it.

396
00:21:58,526 --> 00:22:01,529
[PANTING]

397
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:02,489
[CLEARS THROAT]

398
00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:16,795
[CELLPHONE RING TONE PLAYING]

399
00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:24,469
Ha.

400
00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:27,013
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
Hilarious, man.

401
00:22:27,973 --> 00:22:30,809
Turning the lights out
on the guy in the shitter, man.

402
00:22:32,185 --> 00:22:34,646
You must be some kind
of a prank savant, right?

403
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:40,944
[LOUD THUD]

404
00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:46,157
All right, man. Whoever's doing
this better knock it off.

405
00:22:46,491 --> 00:22:48,201
[LOUD THUD]

406
00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:01,339
[WHIMPERING]

407
00:23:01,339 --> 00:23:06,511
[SCREAMING]

408
00:23:07,512 --> 00:23:08,680
[CAR BEEPS]

409
00:23:21,026 --> 00:23:22,277
Colonel Sanders.

410
00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:24,946
Still hilarious.
Hey, is Mike here already?

411
00:23:24,946 --> 00:23:27,407
- His car is in the garage.
- That's a negative, sir.

412
00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:29,409
- Do you know who Mike is?
- That's a negative, sir.

413
00:23:29,409 --> 00:23:30,660
How do you know he's not here?

414
00:23:30,660 --> 00:23:32,203
I unlocked the doors myself
at 0600,

415
00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:34,456
and no unfamiliars
have penetrated my perimeter,

416
00:23:34,456 --> 00:23:35,623
I've been on full alert.

417
00:23:35,623 --> 00:23:37,167
[IN DISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

418
00:23:38,918 --> 00:23:41,046
So, full alert, huh?

419
00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:46,384
I believe I know this cat, sir.

420
00:23:48,970 --> 00:23:51,347
[RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES]

421
00:23:51,347 --> 00:23:55,852
Okay, uh, at ease
or carry on.

422
00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:07,072
Nah, I must be dreaming.

423
00:24:08,198 --> 00:24:11,159
Max called me at 6 a.m.
this morning to come in early.

424
00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:15,747
I haven't been up before dawn
since straight is great camp

425
00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:17,248
What?

426
00:24:17,415 --> 00:24:19,793
I wasn't gay. They just had
a really good archery program.

427
00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:21,836
All right. So you've told me.

428
00:24:21,836 --> 00:24:23,755
This situation sucks, dude.

429
00:24:24,255 --> 00:24:26,132
I mean, we gotta do
something about this, right?

430
00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:28,218
I mean, can you believe how much
they've screwed us here?

431
00:24:28,218 --> 00:24:29,385
Us?

432
00:24:29,385 --> 00:24:32,555
Yeah. I mean, I was all ready
for you to become sales manager.

433
00:24:32,931 --> 00:24:34,307
I wanted that for you, man.

434
00:24:34,307 --> 00:24:37,143
'Cause what's better than having
your best friend as your boss?

435
00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:38,520
- Yeah.
- Now then...

436
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,355
I mean, I would have gotten away
with everything.

437
00:24:41,064 --> 00:24:42,315
But now...

438
00:24:44,275 --> 00:24:45,777
I mean, you get me, man.

439
00:24:46,319 --> 00:24:50,198
You know? You allow me to be me
in the workplace.

440
00:24:50,198 --> 00:24:51,866
- Useless slacker.
- Exactly.

441
00:24:51,866 --> 00:24:53,660
- Worthless.
- Yeah.

442
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,954
- Gotta have one.
- I mean, look at me, man.

443
00:24:56,955 --> 00:24:57,956
Look at me.

444
00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:03,670
My perfect routine
is broken.

445
00:25:05,171 --> 00:25:07,966
Yeah, you, you are
the real victim here.

446
00:25:09,342 --> 00:25:10,343
I know.

447
00:25:11,136 --> 00:25:14,514
But hey, man.
You got hosed too, kinda.

448
00:25:15,473 --> 00:25:16,558
Oh.

449
00:25:17,225 --> 00:25:18,560
By the way...

450
00:25:24,524 --> 00:25:25,775
No.

451
00:25:25,775 --> 00:25:30,238
No. You gotta be fucking
kidding me. This is my desk now?

452
00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:33,867
Well, officially, it's still
a photoprinter's desk.

453
00:25:35,326 --> 00:25:36,870
But you can share it.

454
00:25:40,165 --> 00:25:41,499
Do I get a chair?

455
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,211
[THUDDING]

456
00:25:48,923 --> 00:25:53,094
[SCREAMING]

457
00:25:53,094 --> 00:25:56,055
Holy fucking shit!

458
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,184
[GAGGING]

459
00:25:59,184 --> 00:26:01,561
We're gonna get this place
lean and mean, Theodore.

460
00:26:01,561 --> 00:26:03,521
We are gonna separate
the meat from the tallow.

461
00:26:03,688 --> 00:26:05,273
We're going--

462
00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:06,482
Mike is dead.

463
00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:09,694
- Mike is fucking dead!
- What?

464
00:26:09,861 --> 00:26:11,654
Mike is dead
in the fucking bathroom.

465
00:26:11,654 --> 00:26:13,740
I went in there,
and someone ate his...

466
00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:16,492
I don't know. I just had to go.
I just needed to go.

467
00:26:16,492 --> 00:26:19,037
Jesus Christ, I'll never
take a shit again.

468
00:26:19,204 --> 00:26:22,123
Evan, Evan, slow down.
What's up now?

469
00:26:23,124 --> 00:26:24,125
Mike...

470
00:26:25,335 --> 00:26:27,879
Eaten... Dead...

471
00:26:27,879 --> 00:26:29,339
The bathroom.

472
00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:31,382
Ted, call security.

473
00:26:32,592 --> 00:26:34,260
I still have to go.

474
00:26:36,596 --> 00:26:38,640
- Hey, Frank , we have to have--
- Code one emergency.

475
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:42,227
The forty dollars you owe me
for the NCAA tournament pool.

476
00:26:43,102 --> 00:26:46,314
I'd join ya,
but I gotta get these papers.

477
00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:47,982
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

478
00:26:47,982 --> 00:26:49,651
Don't open the door.

479
00:26:49,651 --> 00:26:53,279
I'm-I'm sorry. I just,
I need to warn you.

480
00:26:53,279 --> 00:26:56,407
I hope you all have
strong stomachs.

481
00:26:56,991 --> 00:26:58,576
- Oh, boy.
-[WHISTLES]

482
00:26:58,576 --> 00:27:01,162
That's disgusting.
I'll clean it again. It's--

483
00:27:02,497 --> 00:27:04,165
What? No .

484
00:27:05,124 --> 00:27:08,670
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I-I...

485
00:27:09,420 --> 00:27:13,883
I am telling you, this stall
was a fucking horror show.

486
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,885
Evan, this isn't some way

487
00:27:15,885 --> 00:27:18,346
of stalling on the Phallusite
presentation, is it?

488
00:27:18,346 --> 00:27:22,392
- The what? What?
- The Phallusite presentation.

489
00:27:22,392 --> 00:27:24,102
It's tomorrow.
If you're not ready--

490
00:27:24,102 --> 00:27:25,853
No, no. I just...
I-I...

491
00:27:25,853 --> 00:27:28,398
I'm not, I'm not ready yet,
all right? I'm not...

492
00:27:28,564 --> 00:27:30,650
It will be ready, okay?
It will...

493
00:27:32,026 --> 00:27:34,237
- Mike!
- I'll deal with Mike

494
00:27:34,237 --> 00:27:36,572
whenever he decides
to roll in to work today.

495
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,200
You just keep your eye
on the ball, huh?

496
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:40,618
We're counting on you, slugger.

497
00:27:40,785 --> 00:27:41,869
[CLICKS TONGUE]

498
00:27:47,834 --> 00:27:52,130
No. No.
What the fuck!

499
00:27:58,761 --> 00:27:59,971
Permission to speak freely.

500
00:27:59,971 --> 00:28:03,349
Jesus Christ, Frank. Can we drop
the whole chain of command bit?

501
00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:05,977
I'm just not in the mood.

502
00:28:06,561 --> 00:28:09,480
You were right.
Someone drew first blood.

503
00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:21,909
I need to talk to you.

504
00:28:21,909 --> 00:28:24,912
Evan, if this is about us,
I just can't at work. I have--

505
00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:26,622
Mike is dead.

506
00:28:26,622 --> 00:28:27,623
What?

507
00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:30,877
I found him in the men's room.
He was propped up in the stall

508
00:28:30,877 --> 00:28:33,254
like some fucked up marionette.

509
00:28:33,254 --> 00:28:36,174
There was blood everywhere.
And then I went to get help,

510
00:28:36,174 --> 00:28:37,633
and he was gone.

511
00:28:39,469 --> 00:28:42,305
Oh, my God. I can't believe
you're doing this right now.

512
00:28:42,305 --> 00:28:45,892
Doing what? Mike was dead
in the bathroom.

513
00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:47,435
Did anyone else see the body?

514
00:28:47,435 --> 00:28:50,355
Well, no. I-I-I went
to get help

515
00:28:50,355 --> 00:28:51,856
and then when I came back,
he was gone.

516
00:28:51,856 --> 00:28:55,193
Jesus! Evan, he's fucking
with you. It's Mike.

517
00:28:55,193 --> 00:28:56,819
He's probably doing it
as a joke.

518
00:28:56,819 --> 00:28:58,946
Let's not forget
he's a complete asshole, okay?

519
00:29:00,406 --> 00:29:04,077
Yeah, he is kind of an asshole,
but I-I-I don't know.

520
00:29:04,077 --> 00:29:06,871
- This looked pretty real.
- Okay.

521
00:29:06,871 --> 00:29:10,458
All right, let's, uh, let's
consider the possibilities then.

522
00:29:10,458 --> 00:29:13,378
Option one,
somebody murdered Mike,

523
00:29:13,378 --> 00:29:15,046
left him in the bathroom
and then moved

524
00:29:15,213 --> 00:29:16,964
the body when you went
to get help.

525
00:29:16,964 --> 00:29:18,591
Well, when you put it that way--

526
00:29:18,591 --> 00:29:22,720
Or option two is that the most
obnoxious prick in the office

527
00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:26,015
who would rather do anything
other than actually work,

528
00:29:26,015 --> 00:29:27,433
played a practical joke on you.

529
00:29:28,643 --> 00:29:30,144
Okay, now I'm gonna kill him.

530
00:29:30,144 --> 00:29:32,021
Yeah, well, you've got
bigger fish to fry.

531
00:29:33,231 --> 00:29:35,149
Okay, Max is cleaning house.

532
00:29:35,149 --> 00:29:37,443
Mike was probably getting fired
even before the first stunt.

533
00:29:41,155 --> 00:29:43,533
I have to nail
that presentation.

534
00:29:43,533 --> 00:29:44,575
Yeah.

535
00:29:46,744 --> 00:29:47,745
[CLEARS THROAT]

536
00:29:48,621 --> 00:29:50,915
Thank you. Thank you.

537
00:29:51,416 --> 00:29:52,959
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.

538
00:29:52,959 --> 00:29:54,377
Don't you two have
some work to do?

539
00:29:54,377 --> 00:29:55,545
- Not really.
- Not really.

540
00:29:55,545 --> 00:29:57,630
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.

541
00:30:00,383 --> 00:30:01,968
- Dave, right?
- Yeah.

542
00:30:01,968 --> 00:30:04,178
I hear you're the guy
to talk to about office pools.

543
00:30:04,178 --> 00:30:06,097
- Yeah.
- Company sports czar.

544
00:30:06,097 --> 00:30:07,932
It's so weird. I have to try
to get people

545
00:30:07,932 --> 00:30:09,308
-to call me that around here.
- Oh, yeah?

546
00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:12,061
I should probably quit though.
My cat, Puddles, he

547
00:30:12,270 --> 00:30:14,105
gets really jealous when I spend
too much time on,

548
00:30:14,272 --> 00:30:15,523
his diabetes is acting up.

549
00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:17,024
Oh, nonsense.

550
00:30:17,024 --> 00:30:19,152
Morale is vital to the health
of any company.

551
00:30:20,194 --> 00:30:22,113
And you make
an important contribution.

552
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,532
Let's pop into my man-cave, and
you can give me the Vegas tips

553
00:30:24,532 --> 00:30:27,452
on the NBA playoffs and dirt
on upcoming events, you know?

554
00:30:27,452 --> 00:30:28,494
Don't hit me.

555
00:30:29,328 --> 00:30:30,413
Man stuff, all right.

556
00:30:30,413 --> 00:30:31,539
- All right.
- Come on.

557
00:30:31,539 --> 00:30:33,749
I got all sorts of ideas
for other office pools.

558
00:30:33,749 --> 00:30:37,128
Competitive curling,
fantasy fishing, ant bite...

559
00:30:37,128 --> 00:30:43,593
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.

560
00:30:43,593 --> 00:30:44,719
Dude, the record.

561
00:30:45,553 --> 00:30:46,596
What's up, man.
You all right?

562
00:30:48,139 --> 00:30:49,182
I...

563
00:30:49,932 --> 00:30:51,684
I don't know. I don't know.

564
00:30:52,977 --> 00:30:56,272
Right now, I'm just
trying to avoid getting fired.

565
00:30:57,106 --> 00:30:59,150
That's smart.
That's a good plan.

566
00:30:59,317 --> 00:31:01,194
- Welcome to the club, right?
- Right.

567
00:31:01,194 --> 00:31:03,529
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.

568
00:31:03,529 --> 00:31:04,655
- Hup, hup, hup--
-Hup, hup, hup--

569
00:31:10,036 --> 00:31:13,164
I want my $20
for the NCAA tournament pool.

570
00:31:13,164 --> 00:31:15,958
- I told you, man. I...
- No excuses!

571
00:31:15,958 --> 00:31:17,543
You gambled, you lost.

572
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:19,587
Now pay for your failures.

573
00:31:20,087 --> 00:31:21,547
You need to chill out, Brian.

574
00:31:21,547 --> 00:31:25,551
I will chill when I have
your $20 as well, Tim.

575
00:31:25,551 --> 00:31:28,804
You have until 5 o'clock.
Don't make me come find you.

576
00:31:29,347 --> 00:31:33,017
Evan, thank you for your
thoughtful and prompt payment.

577
00:31:33,017 --> 00:31:34,560
It shall not be forgotten.

578
00:31:36,437 --> 00:31:37,480
I...

579
00:31:40,733 --> 00:31:42,443
What the fuck was that?

580
00:31:42,443 --> 00:31:44,195
I didn't even enter
that pool.

581
00:31:44,195 --> 00:31:48,282
Ah, shit. Mike's computer's
password protected.

582
00:31:48,282 --> 00:31:49,492
That's probably a good thing.

583
00:31:49,492 --> 00:31:51,160
There's an insane amount
of porn on that.

584
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:52,161
Uh...

585
00:31:52,995 --> 00:31:55,039
How the hell am I gonna get
those sales figures?

586
00:31:55,039 --> 00:31:57,833
You mean, you want
all the numbers, like...

587
00:31:57,833 --> 00:32:00,211
Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets
are on Mike's computer

588
00:32:00,378 --> 00:32:01,879
and that's locked, so--

589
00:32:01,879 --> 00:32:03,089
Oh, you don't have the password?

590
00:32:03,089 --> 00:32:05,841
No, no. You know, I don't
wanna know the password,

591
00:32:05,841 --> 00:32:08,678
so I'm gonna have to rebuild
the excel files from scratch.

592
00:32:08,678 --> 00:32:11,138
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can
totally help, you know.

593
00:32:11,138 --> 00:32:12,932
Especially after what
Ted did to you.

594
00:32:12,932 --> 00:32:14,475
That was just so horrible.

595
00:32:14,475 --> 00:32:16,602
I know. Right? Yeah.

596
00:32:16,602 --> 00:32:18,062
You must be having
such a horrible day.

597
00:32:18,229 --> 00:32:19,564
So you think
you can help me out?

598
00:32:19,564 --> 00:32:21,107
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

599
00:32:21,107 --> 00:32:24,402
I could totally go down
to the basement, and, um...

600
00:32:24,402 --> 00:32:26,612
-grab the files for you.
- That's great.

601
00:32:26,612 --> 00:32:30,032
You're a lifesaver, Zabs. Go-go
do that, and then we'll talk.

602
00:32:30,032 --> 00:32:31,909
- Okay
- <i>Okay. Bye-DYE-</i>

603
00:32:31,909 --> 00:32:33,452
Bye. Run along.

604
00:32:33,452 --> 00:32:34,954
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.

605
00:32:34,954 --> 00:32:36,414
- Hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup.

606
00:32:36,414 --> 00:32:37,415
[THUD]

607
00:32:37,582 --> 00:32:39,041
- God.
- MAN: Little help.

608
00:32:43,421 --> 00:32:44,797
Really? Uh...

609
00:32:45,798 --> 00:32:46,966
Oh!

610
00:32:50,469 --> 00:32:51,554
[SIGHS]

611
00:32:57,268 --> 00:32:58,561
Ev- Evan?

612
00:33:01,439 --> 00:33:03,232
Okay.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

613
00:33:03,232 --> 00:33:04,400
[GRUNTS]

614
00:33:06,027 --> 00:33:07,486
[CLOTH RIPS]
Oh, shit.

615
00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,280
I just got this skirt.

616
00:33:10,072 --> 00:33:11,198
Come on.

617
00:33:12,575 --> 00:33:15,911
[SCREAMING]

618
00:33:16,078 --> 00:33:18,331
Please, it's not the world.
It's just one night.

619
00:33:18,331 --> 00:33:19,457
I have kick ball.

620
00:33:19,457 --> 00:33:20,750
And you're starting
pitcher tonight.

621
00:33:20,750 --> 00:33:22,585
I'm on that team.
I never get to go.

622
00:33:22,585 --> 00:33:24,587
- He's terrible.
- God damn, Tim!

623
00:33:24,587 --> 00:33:26,213
All right. Wh-what do I get
if I stay?

624
00:33:26,213 --> 00:33:27,673
My undying gratitude.

625
00:33:27,673 --> 00:33:29,675
The respect and admiration
of your peers.

626
00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:31,344
- It's not me.
- Come on, man.

627
00:33:31,344 --> 00:33:33,471
- Something valuable.
- Precious gems.

628
00:33:34,013 --> 00:33:35,181
Straight-up cash.

629
00:33:35,181 --> 00:33:36,932
If we land the account,
all the Phallusite

630
00:33:36,932 --> 00:33:38,184
you'll ever need, free.

631
00:33:38,726 --> 00:33:41,562
- No.
- Yes.

632
00:33:41,562 --> 00:33:43,022
- You should be in sales.
- Yes!

633
00:33:44,607 --> 00:33:45,733
Why do you care?
I...

634
00:33:46,275 --> 00:33:48,736
I don't suppose I should
even bother to ask you.

635
00:33:49,528 --> 00:33:52,490
Oh, I can't tonight. I've got
Kelly Clarkson tickets.

636
00:33:52,490 --> 00:33:53,991
Oh, you had been
talking about that.

637
00:33:53,991 --> 00:33:55,117
- Yeah.
- All right.

638
00:33:55,117 --> 00:33:57,286
I like that Walk <i>Away</i> song,
though, I do.

639
00:33:58,037 --> 00:33:59,205
[EXPLOSION]
Boom!

640
00:33:59,372 --> 00:34:01,707
Nuh! Aww, man!

641
00:34:02,792 --> 00:34:04,377
There goes all the burritos.

642
00:34:04,919 --> 00:34:06,796
This is a conventional oven,
right?

643
00:34:07,213 --> 00:34:08,673
Well, you know,

644
00:34:08,673 --> 00:34:11,926
microwaving is a pretty
inexact science, Tim, so...

645
00:34:13,177 --> 00:34:16,055
You know what?
Can I be blunt?

646
00:34:17,014 --> 00:34:18,349
As opposed to how
you normally are?

647
00:34:18,516 --> 00:34:20,476
So how long are you planning
on punishing Evan?

648
00:34:22,186 --> 00:34:25,356
Jesus, Tim. I am not talking
to you about this right now.

649
00:34:25,356 --> 00:34:27,149
Yes, you are, Mandy.
Damn it.

650
00:34:27,149 --> 00:34:29,318
We are gonna have
this conversation right now.

651
00:34:29,318 --> 00:34:31,862
Because, you know what?
Evan is a good guy.

652
00:34:31,862 --> 00:34:34,323
You know it.
I know it. All right.

653
00:34:34,323 --> 00:34:36,534
So he made one mistake.

654
00:34:36,534 --> 00:34:38,411
- He's human.
- Yeah, well...

655
00:34:38,411 --> 00:34:39,954
It was a pretty
big mistake, Tim.

656
00:34:40,788 --> 00:34:42,331
What do you want me to say?

657
00:34:43,249 --> 00:34:46,585
Okay, yeah.
Evan hurt my feelings.

658
00:34:47,420 --> 00:34:48,546
A lot.

659
00:34:50,172 --> 00:34:53,592
Yeah, I guess that's exactly
what I wanted you to say.

660
00:34:54,552 --> 00:34:55,553
You said it.

661
00:34:55,803 --> 00:34:56,971
Well, yeah.

662
00:34:56,971 --> 00:35:00,808
Look, I'm not trying
to pile on to you emotionally,

663
00:35:00,808 --> 00:35:01,934
Right.

664
00:35:01,934 --> 00:35:03,269
But look, we all think
you're awesome.

665
00:35:03,269 --> 00:35:06,021
Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda.

666
00:35:06,021 --> 00:35:07,940
Dating me is like dating a dude.

667
00:35:07,940 --> 00:35:10,276
- It's really great.
- Never heard anyone say that.

668
00:35:11,610 --> 00:35:12,653
[scoffs]

669
00:35:13,404 --> 00:35:17,408
It's not like I was expecting
a fucking proposal, okay?

670
00:35:18,117 --> 00:35:21,203
And this may not have occurred
to you, but it was actually

671
00:35:21,203 --> 00:35:23,539
really difficult for me
to even say

672
00:35:24,874 --> 00:35:26,375
the "L" word,

673
00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:29,962
and please, do not make
a lesbian joke right now.

674
00:35:29,962 --> 00:35:31,797
That seems inappropriate.
I wouldn't have done that.

675
00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:33,507
You always make lesbian jokes.

676
00:35:33,507 --> 00:35:35,176
Not in front of lesbians.

677
00:35:36,260 --> 00:35:39,597
Or women, you know,
with lesbian haircuts.

678
00:35:39,597 --> 00:35:40,556
Look.

679
00:35:41,682 --> 00:35:44,435
I wasn't even expecting him
to say it back right away.

680
00:35:44,602 --> 00:35:47,354
But Jesus, Tim. "No?"

681
00:35:48,189 --> 00:35:49,440
Oh, yeah.

682
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:54,028
He said no. Like what kind
of a response is that?

683
00:35:54,028 --> 00:35:56,280
- Not a positive one.
- Yeah.

684
00:35:57,448 --> 00:35:58,449
It would have...

685
00:35:59,492 --> 00:36:02,411
It would have honestly hurt less
if he just would have said

686
00:36:02,620 --> 00:36:03,913
nothing at all.

687
00:36:06,665 --> 00:36:07,917
Hey, Evan.

688
00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:11,796
TIM: Hmm, shit.

689
00:36:12,379 --> 00:36:15,633
Mandy is upset because
I was using the microwave,

690
00:36:15,633 --> 00:36:18,219
and I just didn't understand
how the buttons work,

691
00:36:18,219 --> 00:36:21,597
and I blew up my burrito, and
it was, like, the fourth one.

692
00:36:22,473 --> 00:36:25,017
She wanted to microwave
her salad, I think and...

693
00:36:26,185 --> 00:36:27,937
- We were talking about you.
- Clearly.

694
00:36:28,479 --> 00:36:30,397
Amanda Baron.

695
00:36:30,397 --> 00:36:34,735
Your friends call you Mandy,
but Amanda is better, stronger.

696
00:36:34,735 --> 00:36:39,365
A name with fingernails
I can dig into a man's back.

697
00:36:40,032 --> 00:36:41,367
Um...

698
00:36:41,867 --> 00:36:44,453
interesting observation.

699
00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:49,667
You smell lust.

700
00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:53,671
I can hear your heart
all broken.

701
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:56,006
And wet.

702
00:36:56,674 --> 00:36:58,467
That's really weird, okay?

703
00:36:59,176 --> 00:37:00,845
Evan doesn't deserve you.

704
00:37:02,221 --> 00:37:04,431
Perhaps you just need
a woman's touch.

705
00:37:06,475 --> 00:37:08,143
Shouldn't you be answering
the phones?

706
00:37:11,313 --> 00:37:12,648
I like your dress.

707
00:37:19,738 --> 00:37:21,699
No money was ever transferred.

708
00:37:21,699 --> 00:37:24,243
You can't just give yourself
a checkmark.

709
00:37:24,243 --> 00:37:26,745
I put a checkmark on the board.
That's a sale, man.

710
00:37:26,745 --> 00:37:28,289
[QUIVERING]

711
00:37:34,378 --> 00:37:36,005
<i>Tick-tack, motherfucker.</i>

712
00:37:44,221 --> 00:37:47,224
Yes. Yes,
you can borrow 20 bucks.

713
00:37:47,391 --> 00:37:48,434
Quick.

714
00:37:49,476 --> 00:37:52,897
So please, just give me
your address and your e-mail

715
00:37:52,897 --> 00:37:55,941
and your Social Security,
and I'll send it out.

716
00:37:57,735 --> 00:37:58,777
Go ahead.

717
00:38:00,237 --> 00:38:02,364
One...
[WRISTWATCH BEEPING]

718
00:38:03,115 --> 00:38:06,327
Five o'clock.
See you fuckers tomorrow.

719
00:38:07,411 --> 00:38:10,247
Oh, did anybody see
which way Dave went?

720
00:38:17,838 --> 00:38:19,590
Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks.

721
00:38:20,758 --> 00:38:21,759
[SIGHS]

722
00:38:32,478 --> 00:38:33,604
- Evan?
- Oh.

723
00:38:34,438 --> 00:38:35,898
Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi.

724
00:38:37,399 --> 00:38:39,944
Sorry. Sorry you lost your job.

725
00:38:41,236 --> 00:38:42,321
Oh.

726
00:38:51,205 --> 00:38:52,498
Oh, thank you, Elaine.

727
00:38:55,376 --> 00:38:57,127
All right, man.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

728
00:38:57,127 --> 00:38:58,420
Phallusite.

729
00:39:00,297 --> 00:39:01,840
Well, it was worth a shot.

730
00:39:04,635 --> 00:39:06,011
[COMPUTER BEEPS]

731
00:39:06,011 --> 00:39:10,599
And you can call me Ward Cleaver
'cause I just banged out June.

732
00:39:10,599 --> 00:39:11,642
Nice.

733
00:39:12,059 --> 00:39:16,689
You can call me Uncle Ben
because I just nailed May.

734
00:39:16,855 --> 00:39:17,940
Nice.

735
00:39:18,315 --> 00:39:21,652
Hey, we keep this up,
we might not have to sleep here.

736
00:39:21,652 --> 00:39:23,112
Oh, Amen, brother.

737
00:39:26,115 --> 00:39:28,534
Oh shit.

738
00:39:29,118 --> 00:39:31,745
Zabeth only brought up
the hard copies through July.

739
00:39:31,745 --> 00:39:33,998
Can you run downstairs
and get August?

740
00:39:33,998 --> 00:39:35,290
In the basement?

741
00:39:35,290 --> 00:39:36,875
- Yeah.
- Oh, man.

742
00:39:36,875 --> 00:39:39,420
That place has freaked me out
ever since they found that

743
00:39:39,420 --> 00:39:40,879
whimsical gimp mask.

744
00:39:40,879 --> 00:39:42,715
You know, Elaine walked off
with that.

745
00:39:43,716 --> 00:39:47,219
Come on, man. Please. Just go.
Think of it as a field trip.

746
00:39:47,219 --> 00:39:49,138
You don't have to work
for one minute.

747
00:39:49,138 --> 00:39:50,848
Actually, that's pretty
good argument.

748
00:39:51,932 --> 00:39:53,392
There you go.

749
00:40:02,359 --> 00:40:06,488
Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do it, Evan.

750
00:40:08,866 --> 00:40:09,825
Bad idea.

751
00:40:10,909 --> 00:40:13,537
Ah, fuck that. It was my office
longer than it was his.

752
00:40:14,997 --> 00:40:16,081
[DOOR CREAKS]

753
00:40:16,957 --> 00:40:19,835
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

754
00:40:20,794 --> 00:40:24,298
Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth.
You scared the shit out of me.

755
00:40:25,716 --> 00:40:27,843
What the hell were you even
doing down here?

756
00:40:32,556 --> 00:40:35,184
Oh, shit. Of course.

757
00:40:35,893 --> 00:40:37,686
[CLICKS TONGUE]

758
00:40:37,686 --> 00:40:39,438
Um, ass-hat?

759
00:40:40,481 --> 00:40:42,316
[COMPUTER BEEPS]

760
00:40:42,316 --> 00:40:46,528
I thought perhaps it was Evan
coming down, but now I see.

761
00:40:47,112 --> 00:40:49,740
Why send a boy
to do a man's job?

762
00:40:49,740 --> 00:40:51,617
Well, I couldn't agree more.

763
00:40:51,992 --> 00:40:53,744
The douche-nozzle.

764
00:40:53,911 --> 00:40:54,995
[COMPUTER BEEPS]

765
00:40:54,995 --> 00:40:56,955
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yeah, I should stop doing that.

766
00:40:57,414 --> 00:40:59,792
You know, I always had
a thing for you, right?

767
00:41:00,709 --> 00:41:02,127
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

768
00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:06,006
'Cause I always thought you
wanted me to die in a car fire.

769
00:41:06,173 --> 00:41:09,718
Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would
my baby think of me like that?

770
00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:14,014
Because you said, "Andrew,
I hope you die in a car fire."

771
00:41:16,642 --> 00:41:18,685
Got some new hires, huh?

772
00:41:21,105 --> 00:41:22,523
Well, that's not a surprise.

773
00:41:22,523 --> 00:41:26,944
You were very specific to the
make, the model, the mileage.

774
00:41:26,944 --> 00:41:29,404
Oh, no] no] no, no, non.

775
00:41:29,404 --> 00:41:32,116
I was just wasting my time
pining on Evan.

776
00:41:32,116 --> 00:41:34,910
And Evan is just that.

777
00:41:35,327 --> 00:41:36,411
A waste.

778
00:41:40,999 --> 00:41:44,503
Oh, Max. You sick fuck.

779
00:41:44,503 --> 00:41:47,297
Okay, come on.
Evan's my friend,

780
00:41:47,297 --> 00:41:49,591
and he's the only person
in this office who...

781
00:41:49,591 --> 00:41:51,677
- Aah!
- You're right. Fuck that guy.

782
00:41:52,219 --> 00:41:53,595
Well, Tim. I mean...

783
00:41:54,596 --> 00:41:55,973
What? Really?

784
00:41:57,349 --> 00:41:58,976
Oh, what are you doing, pilates?
How do...

785
00:42:01,145 --> 00:42:02,187
Well...

786
00:42:03,355 --> 00:42:06,859
What? I'm the one person
in the office

787
00:42:06,859 --> 00:42:08,735
you haven't made a decision on.

788
00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:11,738
Okay, full disclaimer.

789
00:42:11,738 --> 00:42:14,116
There might be some slight
discoloration issues down there,

790
00:42:14,116 --> 00:42:16,118
but if it helps, you can pretend
you're boning the Hulk.

791
00:42:16,326 --> 00:42:17,661
Actually, I don't want
to over promise that.

792
00:42:17,661 --> 00:42:18,787
Let's go with Kermit.

793
00:42:19,121 --> 00:42:20,581
Ho-ha!

794
00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:23,542
Huh! Well, well, well.

795
00:42:24,751 --> 00:42:28,797
My buddy Ted will be
very interested in this.

796
00:42:29,673 --> 00:42:32,301
I have severely underestimated
the versatility

797
00:42:32,301 --> 00:42:33,969
of Anne Taylor Loft.

798
00:42:36,305 --> 00:42:38,765
Oh, God! You bit my lip.

799
00:42:38,765 --> 00:42:41,101
Do we need a safe word?
[GROANS] Oh!

800
00:42:41,101 --> 00:42:42,186
Scream for me.

801
00:42:42,186 --> 00:42:45,105
Okay. You know what?
I'm as kinky as the next guy.

802
00:42:45,105 --> 00:42:46,398
[LOUD THUD]

803
00:42:49,026 --> 00:42:50,569
Well, you have Zabeth.

804
00:42:51,820 --> 00:42:53,113
Oh, God!

805
00:42:53,113 --> 00:42:55,240
Okay, I took
a self-defense class for women

806
00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:57,492
to pick up chicks, and the shit
they teach you there is nasty.

807
00:42:58,285 --> 00:43:01,038
Dave? What the hell does he do?

808
00:43:01,038 --> 00:43:04,458
No! Foot stomp, eye gouge,
crotch kick.

809
00:43:04,458 --> 00:43:06,168
- Excellent suggestion.
-[GROANS] Ah!

810
00:43:12,132 --> 00:43:13,300
Well, that's different.

811
00:43:21,934 --> 00:43:23,310
Oh, God!

812
00:43:23,310 --> 00:43:25,604
I will still fuck you
if you scream.

813
00:43:25,979 --> 00:43:27,314
What the hell does that mean?

814
00:43:27,564 --> 00:43:29,816
[SCREAMS] Oh, God!

815
00:43:30,567 --> 00:43:32,110
I just didn't say when.

816
00:43:36,865 --> 00:43:38,325
All right, Max.

817
00:43:39,660 --> 00:43:43,038
We'll see what Ted
has to say about this.

818
00:43:46,875 --> 00:43:51,338
Oh, man, you would
not believe what I...

819
00:43:51,338 --> 00:43:55,509
Are you... Son of a bitch!
If you bailed on me...

820
00:44:00,681 --> 00:44:02,140
Andrew?

821
00:44:04,518 --> 00:44:08,063
Dude, if this is another
fucking bit like Mike's...

822
00:44:08,772 --> 00:44:11,400
- Run.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

823
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:14,736
Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right?

824
00:44:14,736 --> 00:44:17,072
Okay, okay, hold on.
I'm gonna get help.

825
00:44:28,500 --> 00:44:30,085
[LOUD THUD]

826
00:44:53,608 --> 00:44:54,818
[DOOR CLICKS]

827
00:44:59,197 --> 00:45:01,491
What the fuck is happening?

828
00:45:04,661 --> 00:45:06,830
Somebody here went to Harvard?

829
00:45:07,706 --> 00:45:08,874
[GLASS CLINKS]

830
00:45:20,344 --> 00:45:22,721
Who the fuck would do this?

831
00:45:27,893 --> 00:45:28,935
Max.

832
00:45:32,105 --> 00:45:37,194
Max. You fucking asshole.

833
00:45:47,412 --> 00:45:48,455
[CLINK]

834
00:45:54,711 --> 00:45:59,674
[SONG PLAYING OVER RADIO]

835
00:46:11,937 --> 00:46:13,188
Oh fuck!

836
00:46:15,232 --> 00:46:16,608
[WHIMPERS]

837
00:46:17,692 --> 00:46:19,194
Oh, come on

838
00:46:22,614 --> 00:46:24,825
Amanda. Amanda, it's me.
I'm at the office.

839
00:46:24,825 --> 00:46:26,451
I just saw Andrew get killed.

840
00:46:26,451 --> 00:46:29,329
And now they're after me,
and I think it's Max.

841
00:46:29,329 --> 00:46:31,331
<i>MAX: Oh, gosh, buddy.
That hurts my feelings.</i>

842
00:46:31,998 --> 00:46:35,085
I'm sure Amanda is great
in a crisis,

843
00:46:35,252 --> 00:46:38,088
but don't you think
this call is more suited to 911?

844
00:46:38,255 --> 00:46:39,714
What have you done with Amanda?

845
00:46:39,714 --> 00:46:44,094
I just devoured her
fabulous Ossobuco

846
00:46:44,261 --> 00:46:47,347
Who knew Mandy was such
a demon in the kitchen?

847
00:46:47,347 --> 00:46:50,934
Absolutely open another bottle
as long as it's red.

848
00:46:51,893 --> 00:46:52,978
What?

849
00:46:55,856 --> 00:46:58,900
Max, you son of a bitch.
You listen to me, right now!

850
00:46:58,900 --> 00:47:00,026
[DOOR KNOB RATTLES]

851
00:47:00,026 --> 00:47:02,112
- Oh, fuck!
- Do I hear banging?

852
00:47:03,029 --> 00:47:05,991
On your end. I mean, there's no
banging happening here, yet.

853
00:47:06,158 --> 00:47:07,617
[DOOR KNOB RATTLING]

854
00:47:08,118 --> 00:47:10,454
Wait, are you on my phone?

855
00:47:10,454 --> 00:47:11,913
It's Evan calling to tell us

856
00:47:11,913 --> 00:47:15,333
<i>he's absolutely crushing
the presentation tomorrow.</i>

857
00:47:15,500 --> 00:47:16,585
Do you want to talk to him?

858
00:47:16,585 --> 00:47:17,961
[LOUD THUD]

859
00:47:18,295 --> 00:47:22,174
Uh, no. No, it's okay.

860
00:47:23,300 --> 00:47:24,384
[SHOUTS] Amanda!

861
00:47:24,384 --> 00:47:25,635
Sorry, buddy.
You're stuck with me.

862
00:47:25,802 --> 00:47:27,262
[LOUD THUD]

863
00:47:27,679 --> 00:47:29,931
God damn it, Max.
I swear to God

864
00:47:29,931 --> 00:47:31,850
if you lay one finger on her...

865
00:47:31,850 --> 00:47:33,101
[THUDDING CONTINUES]

866
00:47:33,310 --> 00:47:36,229
I think you better focus
on your own problems, bro.

867
00:47:36,229 --> 00:47:37,522
<i>But I'll give Amanda your best.</i>

868
00:47:37,522 --> 00:47:38,732
[LOUD THUD]

869
00:47:39,357 --> 00:47:41,860
Actually, I'll give her mine.

870
00:47:41,860 --> 00:47:44,321
- Max, no.
- It's better.

871
00:47:45,989 --> 00:47:48,783
Max! Fuck!

872
00:47:48,783 --> 00:47:52,037
Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck!
Fuck!

873
00:47:53,163 --> 00:47:54,706
[CRASH]

874
00:47:55,332 --> 00:47:57,542
Situation is suited
for 911, huh?

875
00:47:59,085 --> 00:48:01,379
[MUMBLING]

876
00:48:01,963 --> 00:48:03,798
Fuck it. That was stupid.

877
00:48:04,424 --> 00:48:06,176
[CRASH]

878
00:48:06,176 --> 00:48:08,178
All right. Where were we?

879
00:48:08,345 --> 00:48:10,514
"Where are we?"

880
00:48:11,806 --> 00:48:13,683
Is the more
pertinent question.

881
00:48:15,227 --> 00:48:17,145
- What?
- You...

882
00:48:18,855 --> 00:48:20,524
have beautiful eyes.

883
00:48:23,944 --> 00:48:24,945
[CLEARS THROAT]

884
00:48:26,363 --> 00:48:28,198
Uh, we should get started.

885
00:48:29,115 --> 00:48:31,535
We have the whole company
to get through, so...

886
00:48:34,704 --> 00:48:36,331
Don't I know it.

887
00:48:48,593 --> 00:48:50,595
[YELPS] Ah!

888
00:48:50,595 --> 00:48:53,515
Hey, Ted. Oww.

889
00:48:54,182 --> 00:48:56,184
Mind explaining yourself?

890
00:48:56,184 --> 00:48:57,519
Ted's here.

891
00:48:57,519 --> 00:49:00,772
I, uh, I don't know.
I don't know.

892
00:49:00,772 --> 00:49:04,192
I, uh, was working
on the presentation.

893
00:49:04,192 --> 00:49:06,987
And uh...
Oh, my God! Andrew!

894
00:49:06,987 --> 00:49:08,572
"Oh, my God, Andrew," is right.

895
00:49:08,572 --> 00:49:10,532
Without him, today would have
been a total disaster.

896
00:49:10,532 --> 00:49:13,118
What? No, no. Andrew is dead.

897
00:49:13,118 --> 00:49:14,995
Dead tired after
that all-nighter.

898
00:49:16,162 --> 00:49:19,416
The presentation.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.

899
00:49:20,250 --> 00:49:23,420
Andrew, you start prepping
my office for the Phallusite.

900
00:49:24,296 --> 00:49:26,590
I want you to run
this presentation today.

901
00:49:26,590 --> 00:49:27,841
You got it, boss.

902
00:49:28,008 --> 00:49:29,426
Bounce.

903
00:49:30,427 --> 00:49:33,096
Evan, what the hell
happened to you?

904
00:49:33,096 --> 00:49:36,016
You've always been
a model employee, but I...

905
00:49:36,016 --> 00:49:39,603
I can't overlook a
pooch-screwing this monumental.

906
00:49:39,603 --> 00:49:41,771
Ted. Ted, Ted.

907
00:49:42,814 --> 00:49:44,357
Let's not be hasty.

908
00:49:44,357 --> 00:49:47,652
Andrew finished the job but
Evan laid down the groundwork.

909
00:49:48,361 --> 00:49:49,571
Look at this poor fellow.

910
00:49:50,155 --> 00:49:52,240
He was just passed over
for a promotion.

911
00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:53,783
He slept in the supply closet,

912
00:49:53,783 --> 00:49:55,827
and he smells like
a dead wharf hooker.

913
00:49:55,827 --> 00:49:58,830
- You smell it now?
- He's just having a rough patch.

914
00:49:58,830 --> 00:50:00,540
Let's give him
a pass on this one, okay?

915
00:50:03,126 --> 00:50:04,544
I...

916
00:50:10,550 --> 00:50:12,093
Max brought doughnuts.

917
00:50:18,016 --> 00:50:20,310
I would love to tell you
about our exceptional product,

918
00:50:20,477 --> 00:50:24,105
Abinatrix.
Abinatrix is 100% natural.

919
00:50:24,105 --> 00:50:26,733
Abinatrix is for everyone
of all ages.

920
00:50:27,651 --> 00:50:30,278
Dude, that sucked man.

921
00:50:31,905 --> 00:50:34,532
Abinatrix is recommended
by most doctors.

922
00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:37,327
No, I don't understand
what the hell is going on.

923
00:50:37,494 --> 00:50:40,914
I did not imagine
all that stuff last night, Tim.

924
00:50:40,914 --> 00:50:43,124
And why the hell
did Max save my job?

925
00:50:43,583 --> 00:50:45,418
You know what, man?
I thought that was weird too,

926
00:50:45,418 --> 00:50:47,295
but on the plus side,

927
00:50:47,295 --> 00:50:49,839
at least he didn't turn you into
a vampire like everyone else.

928
00:50:51,091 --> 00:50:52,717
Mom, look,
just buy Abinatrix all right?

929
00:50:52,717 --> 00:50:53,885
What?

930
00:50:53,885 --> 00:50:56,554
I haven't had a sale all month
and I'm going to get fired.

931
00:50:56,554 --> 00:50:58,682
Dude, what are you doing? That
was going to be my first sale.

932
00:50:58,682 --> 00:51:01,726
Tim! Vampires?

933
00:51:01,726 --> 00:51:03,770
Oh, okay. Well,

934
00:51:04,270 --> 00:51:06,815
it's just a few things I've been
noticing here and there.

935
00:51:12,737 --> 00:51:14,114
A shoe?

936
00:51:16,032 --> 00:51:18,785
- That was your evidence?
- Well, I'm not done yet.

937
00:51:19,828 --> 00:51:22,247
[BOTH MOANING]

938
00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:31,589
Okay, that is
significantly weirder

939
00:51:31,589 --> 00:51:33,883
and Zabeth
has been acting strangely.

940
00:51:33,883 --> 00:51:36,803
Agreed, but what really
convinced me...

941
00:51:36,803 --> 00:51:39,389
-[ELAINE SIGHING]
- Poor, poor, Elaine.

942
00:51:39,848 --> 00:51:42,934
All ginger and no joy.

943
00:51:43,601 --> 00:51:46,855
- I don't-I don't mind.
- Yes, you do.

944
00:51:46,855 --> 00:51:49,983
- Oh, that's...
- I want you so bad.

945
00:51:49,983 --> 00:51:52,402
Oh, I am so busy.

946
00:51:52,402 --> 00:51:53,987
-[SHUSHING]
- I can't. I can't.

947
00:51:55,071 --> 00:51:57,907
Uh, I'm, I'm a virgin.

948
00:51:59,117 --> 00:52:00,452
You all are.

949
00:52:03,413 --> 00:52:05,081
[ELAINE LAUGHING]

950
00:52:06,833 --> 00:52:10,879
[ELAINE MOANING]

951
00:52:12,714 --> 00:52:17,010
So basically, I saw Max turn
Elaine into a vampire, ergo...

952
00:52:17,010 --> 00:52:20,972
- Max is a vampire.
- The head vampire, presumably.

953
00:52:20,972 --> 00:52:23,892
Right. This all started
after he got here.

954
00:52:23,892 --> 00:52:26,394
- It's only logical.
- AMANDA: Logical?

955
00:52:27,145 --> 00:52:29,773
Oh, there's a part of this story
that you guys think is logical?

956
00:52:29,773 --> 00:52:31,858
Well, maybe not logical,
but true.

957
00:52:32,650 --> 00:52:34,944
I don't know what kind of a game
you're trying to play here, Evan

958
00:52:34,944 --> 00:52:38,323
but it is not funny or endearing
or working.

959
00:52:38,323 --> 00:52:40,408
And you, you let him
drag you into this too?

960
00:52:40,617 --> 00:52:42,202
I thought you were smarter
than that.

961
00:52:42,202 --> 00:52:43,703
- Really?
-Really?

962
00:52:43,703 --> 00:52:46,206
- And today of all days.
- What day is it?

963
00:52:46,206 --> 00:52:48,291
I knew that you were selfish
and immature, Evan,

964
00:52:48,291 --> 00:52:50,835
but I did not think that you
would commit career suicide

965
00:52:50,835 --> 00:52:52,378
to impress me, it's,
It's pretty lame.

966
00:52:52,378 --> 00:52:55,799
Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying
to commit career suicide.

967
00:52:55,799 --> 00:52:59,052
I'm trying to prevent
career homicide!

968
00:52:59,052 --> 00:53:00,345
Oh, good one.

969
00:53:00,345 --> 00:53:03,139
Oh, well, yeah,
it just came out.

970
00:53:04,098 --> 00:53:05,433
We have to get out of here.

971
00:53:05,433 --> 00:53:08,311
The only thing I have to do
is that Phallusite presentation

972
00:53:08,311 --> 00:53:11,272
because I actually give a shit
about my job, so...

973
00:53:11,272 --> 00:53:12,941
- Touche.
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

974
00:53:12,941 --> 00:53:15,735
- How do you explain Andrew?
- What about Andrew?

975
00:53:15,735 --> 00:53:18,071
He stayed here all night
working. He looks amazing.

976
00:53:18,071 --> 00:53:19,989
- Yeah, he does.
- Exactly!

977
00:53:19,989 --> 00:53:22,200
You don't think that proves
supernatural forces

978
00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:23,326
are at work here?

979
00:53:23,326 --> 00:53:24,911
All right, Evan, I'm done.
I'm clone with--

980
00:53:24,911 --> 00:53:27,372
What? Amanda! Amanda, wait,
wait, wait. Wait.

981
00:53:27,372 --> 00:53:31,709
Please, wait. I know this
all sounds crazy. I know.

982
00:53:31,709 --> 00:53:33,962
But please,
you have to believe me.

983
00:53:35,547 --> 00:53:36,756
I love you.

984
00:53:40,051 --> 00:53:41,427
No.

985
00:53:43,930 --> 00:53:46,099
So that's what it sounded like.

986
00:53:47,141 --> 00:53:49,519
Fuck it. I don't care
if she hates me forever,

987
00:53:49,519 --> 00:53:51,312
I am not letting
the woman I love

988
00:53:51,312 --> 00:53:53,606
get turned into
a blood-sucking vampire.

989
00:53:53,606 --> 00:53:55,275
Bam-snap!

990
00:53:58,695 --> 00:53:59,779
What?

991
00:54:02,615 --> 00:54:06,077
Is it just me or is this office
getting darker?

992
00:54:06,077 --> 00:54:09,956
- And colder too. Look.
- Oh.

993
00:54:11,833 --> 00:54:14,419
Okay, it's time we alert
the authorities.

994
00:54:14,419 --> 00:54:15,920
- You mean call the cops?
- Yes.

995
00:54:15,920 --> 00:54:17,171
And tell them what?

996
00:54:17,171 --> 00:54:20,091
I mean, everybody that we want
to report is dead, is here...

997
00:54:20,842 --> 00:54:22,886
- And working.
- Shit.

998
00:54:24,178 --> 00:54:25,889
Or turned to food.

999
00:54:25,889 --> 00:54:29,017
Oh, god! That was
Mike's real body.

1000
00:54:29,434 --> 00:54:30,602
Grody.

1001
00:54:31,811 --> 00:54:33,813
Oh, poor Andrew.

1002
00:54:33,813 --> 00:54:34,898
[BELL DINGING]

1003
00:54:34,898 --> 00:54:37,442
Hey, we did get a bell.
Bitchin'.

1004
00:54:37,901 --> 00:54:39,027
It's a great idea.

1005
00:54:39,027 --> 00:54:41,029
I think Max really listens
to what I have to say.

1006
00:54:42,113 --> 00:54:43,156
Dave.

1007
00:54:45,909 --> 00:54:50,747
Andrew has 14 sales today?
Fuck!

1008
00:54:51,539 --> 00:54:54,167
He's totally going to win
that Chili's gift certificate.

1009
00:54:54,167 --> 00:54:55,460
Look, we need to get Amanda

1010
00:54:55,460 --> 00:54:57,003
and we need to get
the fuck out of here.

1011
00:54:57,003 --> 00:54:58,630
Everyone in this office
has been turned--

1012
00:54:58,630 --> 00:55:01,341
Well, not everyone.

1013
00:55:02,550 --> 00:55:03,509
Come on.

1014
00:55:06,888 --> 00:55:10,808
Anybody need anything from the...
break room.

1015
00:55:13,561 --> 00:55:15,730
-[WOMAN CHATTERING OVER RADIO]
-[BREATHING HEAVILY]

1016
00:55:18,149 --> 00:55:20,234
- Colonel Sanders.
- At ease, Soldier.

1017
00:55:20,234 --> 00:55:22,362
No, no, no, not at ease.
It's war time.

1018
00:55:22,862 --> 00:55:25,448
Right, right, right. Yeah.
I, uh...

1019
00:55:25,448 --> 00:55:26,783
- Attention.
- Attention.

1020
00:55:27,575 --> 00:55:30,578
Frank, we need your help, okay?

1021
00:55:30,578 --> 00:55:33,122
This is going to sound insane,

1022
00:55:33,122 --> 00:55:35,583
but the entire office
has been turned into--

1023
00:55:35,583 --> 00:55:37,335
Vampires. Affirmative, sir.

1024
00:55:39,295 --> 00:55:41,464
What? What, you know?

1025
00:55:48,513 --> 00:55:50,640
[BOTH MOANING]

1026
00:55:54,018 --> 00:55:56,813
[ELAINE GIGGLING]

1027
00:56:05,113 --> 00:56:07,365
Oh! Did I not mention
that Frank was there?

1028
00:56:07,365 --> 00:56:10,118
No, Tim. God damn it.
No, you didn't.

1029
00:56:10,118 --> 00:56:11,703
Sorry, my bad.

1030
00:56:11,703 --> 00:56:13,037
We hang out a lot actually.

1031
00:56:13,037 --> 00:56:14,330
By the way, how amazing was that

1032
00:56:14,330 --> 00:56:15,707
Kelly Clarkson
concert last night?

1033
00:56:15,707 --> 00:56:18,167
American <i>Idol?</i>
More like American Treasure.

1034
00:56:18,167 --> 00:56:19,335
Her voice literally sings.

1035
00:56:19,335 --> 00:56:20,753
- It does sing.
- Her singing sings.

1036
00:56:20,753 --> 00:56:22,505
Oh, how did you get home?
I blacked out.

1037
00:56:22,505 --> 00:56:24,882
This is not what we're here
to talk about.

1038
00:56:24,882 --> 00:56:27,135
We need to get upstairs, Frank,
we need your help.

1039
00:56:27,135 --> 00:56:29,595
We need to get Amanda and
we need to get the hell out of dodge.

1040
00:56:29,595 --> 00:56:30,930
No, no, no, we can't
just go up there.

1041
00:56:30,930 --> 00:56:33,224
The place is a den
of the undead right now.

1042
00:56:33,224 --> 00:56:36,019
We need to arm ourselves.
We need weapons and shit.

1043
00:56:36,019 --> 00:56:37,645
I was waiting for you
to say that.

1044
00:56:38,855 --> 00:56:40,064
I've got just the thing.

1045
00:56:44,485 --> 00:56:46,404
'Weapons!
'okay! Okay.

1046
00:56:47,071 --> 00:56:48,531
[ELEVATOR muss]

1047
00:56:51,284 --> 00:56:54,495
When she came after that second
encore, I was like, "whaaat!"

1048
00:56:55,538 --> 00:56:56,706
Almost fainted.

1049
00:56:56,873 --> 00:56:58,875
[SIGHING] What kills vampires?

1050
00:56:58,875 --> 00:56:59,959
- Stakes.
- Yeah.

1051
00:56:59,959 --> 00:57:01,711
Anything wooden
you can jam into their heart.

1052
00:57:01,711 --> 00:57:04,505
Or a sharp blade.
Decapitations work too.

1053
00:57:06,549 --> 00:57:08,259
Did you think this was
my first vamp hunt?

1054
00:57:08,259 --> 00:57:10,344
I'm a licensed security guard.

1055
00:57:10,344 --> 00:57:12,847
You don't get this patch without
dusting a few puncture monkeys.

1056
00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,563
I looked some stuff up
on Wikipedia.

1057
00:57:20,813 --> 00:57:22,482
- Oh.
-[ELEVATOR muss]

1058
00:57:22,482 --> 00:57:24,901
All right, what else?
Holy water, garlic?

1059
00:57:24,901 --> 00:57:27,487
Ooh, I make a really good
40-clove chicken.

1060
00:57:29,072 --> 00:57:31,657
But we probably don't have time
for that right now, guys.

1061
00:57:31,657 --> 00:57:33,159
Sunlight. That burns them up.

1062
00:57:33,159 --> 00:57:34,994
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it?

1063
00:57:34,994 --> 00:57:36,704
Because, I mean,
it's daytime right now

1064
00:57:36,704 --> 00:57:38,539
and they don't seem to be
too bothered by it.

1065
00:57:38,539 --> 00:57:41,542
Correct, but that's because this
facility has a limited number

1066
00:57:41,542 --> 00:57:43,586
of windows to minimize
visual distractions

1067
00:57:43,586 --> 00:57:45,463
and maximize climate control
and security.

1068
00:57:45,463 --> 00:57:48,007
You're telling me sunlight
does kill vampires,

1069
00:57:48,007 --> 00:57:50,927
but we get so little of it
in this fluorescent shithole,

1070
00:57:50,927 --> 00:57:52,720
that they're just fine?

1071
00:57:54,472 --> 00:57:57,809
- Good god, that's depressing.
- Yes, sir, it is.

1072
00:58:02,146 --> 00:58:05,817
Sir, I swear to god
there was an arsenal

1073
00:58:05,817 --> 00:58:09,195
of immense proportions
in this van this morning.

1074
00:58:10,613 --> 00:58:12,824
Someone has violated

1075
00:58:12,824 --> 00:58:15,660
the sovereignty
of my vehicular transport.

1076
00:58:15,660 --> 00:58:17,453
They got your stereo, too.

1077
00:58:18,037 --> 00:58:19,747
- Oh, son of a bitch.
- Hey!

1078
00:58:19,747 --> 00:58:21,165
[ALL YELLING]

1079
00:58:21,165 --> 00:58:25,419
Oh, my god! Man, hey, hey.
You can't just... Okay, okay.

1080
00:58:25,419 --> 00:58:26,879
Listen, we need your help.

1081
00:58:26,879 --> 00:58:29,090
All right, this is
going to sound insane,

1082
00:58:29,090 --> 00:58:31,592
but the entire office
has been turned into--

1083
00:58:31,592 --> 00:58:33,094
Vampires, yeah.

1084
00:58:33,094 --> 00:58:36,097
- Did everybody know but me?
- Yeah, it seems that way.

1085
00:58:36,097 --> 00:58:37,640
-[FRANK YELLING]
- Oh, fuck!

1086
00:58:37,640 --> 00:58:40,184
Oh, my god, you're a vampire!
Holy shit!

1087
00:58:40,184 --> 00:58:42,061
Max turned the fucking janitor.

1088
00:58:42,061 --> 00:58:44,272
Well, that one actually makes
sense if you think about it.

1089
00:58:44,272 --> 00:58:45,773
You're creating
a lot of dead bodies--

1090
00:58:45,773 --> 00:58:47,024
Yeah, you got blood.

1091
00:58:47,024 --> 00:58:48,317
It's smeared all over
the walls, man.

1092
00:58:48,317 --> 00:58:50,194
People are struggling,
they're breaking things.

1093
00:58:50,194 --> 00:58:52,113
You got vans coming in
full of weapons.

1094
00:58:52,113 --> 00:58:54,740
- You got to clear that out.
- Okay, okay, I get it.

1095
00:58:54,740 --> 00:58:56,826
I get it. All right, yeah.
Great idea.

1096
00:58:56,993 --> 00:59:00,121
- He's still a fucking asshole.
- Did you guys really not notice?

1097
00:59:00,121 --> 00:59:02,665
He turned me day one. I've been
a vampire this whole...

1098
00:59:02,665 --> 00:59:05,126
I-I chased you
through the cubicles.

1099
00:59:05,126 --> 00:59:07,670
Last night? That was you?
Um...

1100
00:59:08,504 --> 00:59:10,882
It was really dark.
I mean, I was scared.

1101
00:59:10,882 --> 00:59:13,176
Look, it's not personal. We just
don't know you that well.

1102
00:59:13,176 --> 00:59:14,844
Yeah. No, no, no. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1103
00:59:14,844 --> 00:59:18,014
You know? I mean, we work
upstairs, we're busy and you...

1104
00:59:18,014 --> 00:59:19,724
Well, how about his?

1105
00:59:20,016 --> 00:59:21,809
[HISSING]

1106
00:59:21,809 --> 00:59:24,854
[CHUCKLING] That's,
that's scary, yeah.

1107
00:59:25,021 --> 00:59:28,274
- The teeth--
- Don't patronize me! God!

1108
00:59:28,274 --> 00:59:29,859
Do you even know my name?

1109
00:59:31,110 --> 00:59:32,320
- Janitor?
- Janitor.

1110
00:59:32,778 --> 00:59:34,071
[ALL YELLING]

1111
00:59:34,071 --> 00:59:36,782
Always keep a provisional weapon
on your person.

1112
00:59:41,454 --> 00:59:42,747
Wait, where?

1113
00:59:44,749 --> 00:59:46,209
In my--

1114
00:59:47,376 --> 00:59:48,753
[ALL GROANING]

1115
00:59:52,798 --> 00:59:54,550
Wikipedia did not mention that.

1116
00:59:54,550 --> 00:59:55,760
[TIM RETCHING]

1117
01:00:02,266 --> 01:00:04,810
No, no, no.
Okay, okay, wait, wait.

1118
01:00:04,810 --> 01:00:06,896
This means that they can die,
all right?

1119
01:00:07,063 --> 01:00:09,398
You just need to find weapons.

1120
01:00:09,398 --> 01:00:11,776
Oh, hey, maybe the janitor
put Frank's weapons in...

1121
01:00:11,776 --> 01:00:13,945
[ALL GROANING]

1122
01:00:13,945 --> 01:00:16,864
Oh, god, how have they not
dumped the bodies yet?

1123
01:00:16,864 --> 01:00:18,741
Trash pick up is on Saturdays

1124
01:00:18,741 --> 01:00:20,493
unless you make a special
request,

1125
01:00:20,493 --> 01:00:22,036
but that's like 60 bucks.

1126
01:00:22,870 --> 01:00:24,080
Seriously?

1127
01:00:25,665 --> 01:00:27,833
God, this fucking company sucks.

1128
01:00:29,085 --> 01:00:30,586
I've got towels in my car.

1129
01:00:38,344 --> 01:00:41,138
Hi, we're the Phallusite
Corporation.

1130
01:00:41,138 --> 01:00:42,556
We have a 4 o'clock meeting?

1131
01:00:44,016 --> 01:00:45,434
Meeting's canceled.

1132
01:00:50,648 --> 01:00:52,608
Go. Go. Go, go, 90, 90-

1133
01:00:55,945 --> 01:00:57,405
Say what you want about Elaine,

1134
01:00:57,405 --> 01:01:00,741
she always did stock the shit
out of the supply closet.

1135
01:01:00,741 --> 01:01:02,243
Bam-snap!

1136
01:01:03,411 --> 01:01:04,954
That's growing on me.

1137
01:01:17,550 --> 01:01:19,552
[SHARPENER WHIRRING]

1138
01:01:21,429 --> 01:01:22,555
What?

1139
01:01:34,734 --> 01:01:38,237
- Bam-snap!
- Yeah!

1140
01:01:40,489 --> 01:01:42,950
Today, we become men.

1141
01:01:43,909 --> 01:01:46,746
- Or vampires.
- Or dead.

1142
01:01:50,583 --> 01:01:52,543
[TIM GASPING]

1143
01:01:53,711 --> 01:01:55,421
God, Frank,
what's wrong with you?

1144
01:01:56,172 --> 01:01:57,715
It's bull piss.

1145
01:01:58,632 --> 01:01:59,884
[ELEVATOR muss]

1146
01:02:00,926 --> 01:02:02,261
Let's be jazzed.

1147
01:02:03,179 --> 01:02:04,972
How many of those
do you drink a day?

1148
01:02:05,973 --> 01:02:07,558
As many as it takes.

1149
01:02:11,520 --> 01:02:13,856
Jeez, the vampire that probably
takes a bite out of you

1150
01:02:13,856 --> 01:02:15,441
is going to be up for a week.

1151
01:02:17,443 --> 01:02:18,611
[ELEVATOR muss]

1152
01:02:40,257 --> 01:02:42,093
Okay, there's a lot of them.

1153
01:02:43,094 --> 01:02:44,845
Let's focus.

1154
01:02:44,845 --> 01:02:47,223
We get into Ted's office,
we grab Mandy,

1155
01:02:47,223 --> 01:02:50,184
-we get out of here.
- We got your back, Colonel.

1156
01:02:50,976 --> 01:02:54,313
[CHUCKLING] Colonel Sanders.

1157
01:02:56,732 --> 01:02:58,192
Like the chicken guy.

1158
01:03:00,152 --> 01:03:01,570
I just got that.

1159
01:03:03,406 --> 01:03:07,326
[CLEARING THROAT] All right,
vam time. Focus.

1160
01:03:08,744 --> 01:03:10,663
[ALL YELLING]

1161
01:03:14,333 --> 01:03:16,544
Okay, okay, okay.
No sudden movements, all right?

1162
01:03:16,544 --> 01:03:19,380
Just calm careful motions.
Like you're playing Jenga.

1163
01:03:19,380 --> 01:03:22,425
[VAMPIRES HISSING AND SNARLING]

1164
01:03:22,967 --> 01:03:25,344
So, you know, generally it's got
to be some kind of pass.

1165
01:03:25,344 --> 01:03:27,513
- People call yet?
- No, not yet.

1166
01:03:27,513 --> 01:03:29,265
Maybe they're stuck in traffic.

1167
01:03:31,267 --> 01:03:33,102
I don't recognize
a lot of these people.

1168
01:03:33,602 --> 01:03:36,397
That, that's the IT guy.
There's Marketing.

1169
01:03:36,397 --> 01:03:38,649
There's the Customer Service
Call center.

1170
01:03:38,649 --> 01:03:41,569
- I hired everyone in there.
- That is ironic.

1171
01:03:42,403 --> 01:03:43,612
Only if they eat us.

1172
01:03:44,697 --> 01:03:45,656
Tim.

1173
01:03:46,407 --> 01:03:50,161
What? Oh, did I jinx us?
My bad.

1174
01:03:51,036 --> 01:03:52,997
[ALL YELLING]

1175
01:03:54,165 --> 01:03:56,500
Sanders, what the hell
are you doing?

1176
01:03:56,500 --> 01:03:58,419
Have, have you lost your mind?

1177
01:03:58,419 --> 01:04:02,131
Amanda, I love you, but you have
no idea whats going on here.

1178
01:04:02,298 --> 01:04:07,595
- Now you're saying way too much.
- Tim... Ted, we have a problem.

1179
01:04:07,595 --> 01:04:12,641
Max, in addition to being a
douchebag, is also a vampire

1180
01:04:12,808 --> 01:04:14,727
and he's turning every one
of your employees

1181
01:04:14,727 --> 01:04:16,604
from the janitor on up.

1182
01:04:16,604 --> 01:04:19,940
By the way, your neck-biting
custodial buddy

1183
01:04:19,940 --> 01:04:23,110
is doing his best impression
of a Jackson Pollock painting

1184
01:04:23,110 --> 01:04:24,528
in the parking garage.

1185
01:04:24,528 --> 01:04:26,489
- Bam-snap!
- AMANDA: Jesus Christ.

1186
01:04:26,489 --> 01:04:28,073
Evan, what the fuck
have you done?

1187
01:04:28,073 --> 01:04:32,036
Do you have any idea how hard it
is to find good custodial help?

1188
01:04:32,036 --> 01:04:33,496
You popped Jerry?

1189
01:04:33,496 --> 01:04:34,914
- Jerry.
- Jerry.

1190
01:04:34,914 --> 01:04:36,832
- That sounds familiar.
- That was... Yeah. Yeah.

1191
01:04:36,832 --> 01:04:38,751
- That was so embarrassing.
- I was like...

1192
01:04:38,751 --> 01:04:40,711
Did you just miss
the whole un-dead thing, sir?

1193
01:04:40,711 --> 01:04:41,795
Yeah.

1194
01:04:41,795 --> 01:04:44,590
God damn it,
I know they're vampires.

1195
01:04:44,590 --> 01:04:47,134
Uh, wait. What?

1196
01:04:47,134 --> 01:04:49,428
I track how many paperclips
we use per quarter,

1197
01:04:49,428 --> 01:04:52,181
you think I wouldn't notice
a vampire company take-over?

1198
01:04:52,348 --> 01:04:54,016
How many paperclips do
we use per quarter?

1199
01:04:54,016 --> 01:04:57,394
- Tim!
- Uh, last quarter, 22415.

1200
01:04:57,394 --> 01:05:00,940
See? Look at him.
He's a model employee now.

1201
01:05:00,940 --> 01:05:04,026
Wait, you did this
intentionally?

1202
01:05:04,026 --> 01:05:06,612
Corporate was threatening
to shut down the entire branch,

1203
01:05:06,612 --> 01:05:09,240
I simply presented Ted
with an alternative.

1204
01:05:09,240 --> 01:05:11,742
His methods may seem
a little unorthodox,

1205
01:05:11,742 --> 01:05:14,036
but you can't argue
with the results.

1206
01:05:14,036 --> 01:05:17,831
After your little stunt
in college!

1207
01:05:19,917 --> 01:05:21,752
The only school
that would take me

1208
01:05:21,752 --> 01:05:25,089
was this university in Romania.

1209
01:05:26,298 --> 01:05:29,885
But it turns out, it had
a very unique MBA program,

1210
01:05:30,719 --> 01:05:34,515
a whole new paradigm
in business management

1211
01:05:34,515 --> 01:05:39,478
What? Turning your employees
into vampires? That's sick!

1212
01:05:39,478 --> 01:05:41,605
Evan, this company was sick.

1213
01:05:41,605 --> 01:05:44,149
Employees calling in with fake,
dead grandmothers

1214
01:05:44,149 --> 01:05:45,859
so that they could go out
to the ballpark.

1215
01:05:45,859 --> 01:05:48,237
Video game tournaments
during office hours,

1216
01:05:48,404 --> 01:05:51,115
and look at your browser
histories.

1217
01:05:51,115 --> 01:05:54,618
- I know you watch porn all clay.
- That was mainly Mike.

1218
01:05:54,618 --> 01:05:56,537
At least now we have a future.

1219
01:05:56,537 --> 01:06:00,624
Yeah, funny your usage
of the word "we" there.

1220
01:06:01,542 --> 01:06:02,835
What's that supposed to mean?

1221
01:06:02,835 --> 01:06:04,962
Max was gonna
fucking eat you.

1222
01:06:04,962 --> 01:06:06,672
I saw it in his files.

1223
01:06:06,672 --> 01:06:08,549
Why do you think he hasn't
turned you yet, Ted?

1224
01:06:08,549 --> 01:06:12,803
He was going to turn me last.
Make it special with candles.

1225
01:06:12,803 --> 01:06:14,888
- Oh.
- That makes sense.

1226
01:06:20,102 --> 01:06:21,770
You were going to force me out?

1227
01:06:22,187 --> 01:06:24,982
Hey, quick, while you still have
time, Ted. Fire this--

1228
01:06:25,190 --> 01:06:27,109
-[ALL YELLING]
- Oh god!

1229
01:06:27,109 --> 01:06:29,445
It actually works.
He really did that.

1230
01:06:29,445 --> 01:06:34,825
That is the worst part
of this job. Firing people.

1231
01:06:34,825 --> 01:06:37,494
Oh, shit. Jeez. He just...

1232
01:06:37,494 --> 01:06:39,371
- Hey, Mandy.
- His neck--

1233
01:06:39,371 --> 01:06:42,333
Have you not been listening
this entire time?

1234
01:06:42,333 --> 01:06:44,877
We are vampires.
That's what we do.

1235
01:06:44,877 --> 01:06:47,713
We get... Still sounds so weird
saying vampires.

1236
01:06:47,713 --> 01:06:49,673
So you just do it?

1237
01:06:49,673 --> 01:06:51,884
It's true. Amanda you got to
start working

1238
01:06:51,884 --> 01:06:54,303
on your stubbornness if you want
to be a part of the team.

1239
01:06:54,470 --> 01:06:57,014
Oh! Fuck your team, Max!

1240
01:06:57,014 --> 01:07:01,393
I'm taking Amanda and we're
walking out of here un-undead.

1241
01:07:01,393 --> 01:07:02,770
Is that so?

1242
01:07:03,228 --> 01:07:05,731
Yeah, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna do that.

1243
01:07:05,731 --> 01:07:06,690
Oh.

1244
01:07:08,776 --> 01:07:10,778
- Okay.
-Okay?

1245
01:07:10,778 --> 01:07:12,279
Well, show yourselves out.

1246
01:07:13,322 --> 01:07:16,450
Can I have a thing, maybe a...
This will do.

1247
01:07:17,409 --> 01:07:19,995
- Bye, gang.
- Okay, yeah.

1248
01:07:19,995 --> 01:07:21,705
- See you guys.
- See you, man.

1249
01:07:21,705 --> 01:07:24,166
You got that? You got the door?

1250
01:07:24,166 --> 01:07:25,668
Back up. Back up!

1251
01:07:25,668 --> 01:07:27,252
[VAMPIRES GROWLING]

1252
01:07:27,252 --> 01:07:28,462
Holy shit!

1253
01:07:29,546 --> 01:07:32,257
- Are all these people vampires?
- Yes, ma'am.

1254
01:07:32,257 --> 01:07:33,509
Mandy, I don't want to die

1255
01:07:33,509 --> 01:07:35,010
without telling you
how I really feel.

1256
01:07:35,010 --> 01:07:36,261
Well, then shut the fuck up,

1257
01:07:36,261 --> 01:07:37,763
so you have a reason
to survive this shit.

1258
01:07:37,763 --> 01:07:40,808
- So what now, Colonel?
- Honestly, I have no idea.

1259
01:07:40,808 --> 01:07:42,309
I never thought
we'd live this long.

1260
01:07:42,518 --> 01:07:45,562
To think you came to rescue me
and you didn't plan an escape?

1261
01:07:45,562 --> 01:07:47,981
Oh, don't Princess Leah me.
I'm thinking.

1262
01:07:49,858 --> 01:07:51,360
- Okay, I've got it.
- Oh, hey, Dave.

1263
01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:52,444
[DAVE GROWLING]

1264
01:07:52,444 --> 01:07:54,321
Good luck getting
your 20 bucks now, bitch.

1265
01:07:54,321 --> 01:07:56,198
- God damn it, Tim.
- Oops.

1266
01:07:56,365 --> 01:07:58,867
[ALL YELLING]

1267
01:08:03,956 --> 01:08:06,333
God damn it. Now I'm definitely
gonna have to wash this shirt.

1268
01:08:06,333 --> 01:08:08,752
Do you want me to, uh,
dive in?

1269
01:08:08,752 --> 01:08:11,880
Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you
to learn how to delegate.

1270
01:08:22,641 --> 01:08:25,227
Hey, decapitate.
You gotta take it off.

1271
01:08:27,187 --> 01:08:28,439
Hair pulling?!

1272
01:08:28,939 --> 01:08:33,110
Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue-
a-motherfucker. Oh, shit!

1273
01:08:33,110 --> 01:08:34,486
[DAVE GROWLING]

1274
01:08:34,486 --> 01:08:37,406
Oh, God! Your breath
smells like cat-food.

1275
01:08:45,581 --> 01:08:47,082
Oh, I don't like this

1276
01:08:58,218 --> 01:09:00,262
And I defended your hire.

1277
01:09:01,930 --> 01:09:03,682
[ALL GROANING]

1278
01:09:09,855 --> 01:09:13,484
- Does this happen every time?
- Yeah. Yeah, basically.

1279
01:09:16,487 --> 01:09:18,572
Not if you kill them
first, people.

1280
01:09:19,615 --> 01:09:21,617
Learn how to take the initiative

1281
01:09:21,617 --> 01:09:23,660
if you don't want me
to micro-manage.

1282
01:09:23,660 --> 01:09:24,828
[ALL YELLING]

1283
01:09:30,250 --> 01:09:32,044
This is about the story
as far as I--

1284
01:09:32,795 --> 01:09:35,506
[CHUCKLING] Well,
now it's time to go to work.

1285
01:09:36,340 --> 01:09:37,466
[ELAINE LAUGHING]

1286
01:09:38,550 --> 01:09:39,843
AMANDA: Oh, Shit.

1287
01:09:43,430 --> 01:09:46,141
[GRUNTING] Jesus,
those walls are thin.

1288
01:09:48,268 --> 01:09:49,978
So, my question is,

1289
01:09:50,729 --> 01:09:52,898
"When do you let your people
make their own mistakes

1290
01:09:52,898 --> 01:09:53,982
so that they can learn?"

1291
01:09:53,982 --> 01:09:56,902
and "when do you just jump in
and do the job yourself

1292
01:09:56,902 --> 01:09:58,111
because you're more efficient?"

1293
01:09:58,111 --> 01:10:00,489
- It's a balance to be sure.
- Yeah.

1294
01:10:00,656 --> 01:10:02,282
I'm going to need
a minute, Dave.

1295
01:10:02,282 --> 01:10:04,368
I think I've re-injured my back.

1296
01:10:08,121 --> 01:10:09,790
[EXPLODES]

1297
01:10:09,790 --> 01:10:13,460
God damn it, Amanda!
I finally started boning her.

1298
01:10:14,586 --> 01:10:15,671
Sorry.

1299
01:10:15,671 --> 01:10:18,048
[CHUCKLING] Whoa-ho-ho!

1300
01:10:18,048 --> 01:10:19,758
You know what?
That almost felt like--

1301
01:10:19,758 --> 01:10:23,178
Oh, come on.
Whoa! Did it just get dark?

1302
01:10:23,178 --> 01:10:24,930
Should we be intervening here?

1303
01:10:24,930 --> 01:10:27,558
I mean, we are losing
a lot of employees.

1304
01:10:27,558 --> 01:10:29,518
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's mostly marketing.

1305
01:10:29,518 --> 01:10:31,186
Oh, okay,
I'll just run an ad.

1306
01:10:31,186 --> 01:10:34,606
You fucker. [YELLING] Take that.

1307
01:10:34,606 --> 01:10:37,526
Are you trying to repel me
with a cross made of pencils?

1308
01:10:37,526 --> 01:10:38,819
[SPLATTERING]

1309
01:10:39,069 --> 01:10:40,320
Still, a good manager knows

1310
01:10:40,320 --> 01:10:41,822
when his staff
is getting overextended.

1311
01:10:41,822 --> 01:10:45,033
Be a dear and call downstairs
for me, would you?

1312
01:10:45,033 --> 01:10:46,493
Can I use your office?
This is just,

1313
01:10:46,493 --> 01:10:47,703
kind of flat out here.

1314
01:10:47,703 --> 01:10:49,204
Yeah, feel free.
Make yourself at home.

1315
01:10:49,204 --> 01:10:50,539
I know you rigged the raffle

1316
01:10:50,706 --> 01:10:52,875
to win the office trip to Cabo
this year.

1317
01:10:52,875 --> 01:10:54,293
That trip was mine!

1318
01:10:57,087 --> 01:10:59,006
You do not want to know
where that came from.

1319
01:10:59,840 --> 01:11:02,509
[SCREAMING]

1320
01:11:03,010 --> 01:11:04,595
[SPLATTER]

1321
01:11:04,595 --> 01:11:07,097
Who am I gonna get to stock
the supply closet now?

1322
01:11:07,723 --> 01:11:10,893
I'm not a vampire expert,
asshole.

1323
01:11:10,893 --> 01:11:15,230
Enough. I want my $20,
and then you die.

1324
01:11:16,023 --> 01:11:18,901
I'm saving it
for something else.

1325
01:11:18,901 --> 01:11:21,069
[ALL GRUNTING]

1326
01:11:25,574 --> 01:11:27,701
[BOTH PANTING]

1327
01:11:28,952 --> 01:11:30,704
Why don't we ever go dancing?

1328
01:11:31,413 --> 01:11:33,790
Monday night is salsa night
at Vida Loca.

1329
01:11:33,790 --> 01:11:35,334
[SPLATTER]

1330
01:11:38,754 --> 01:11:40,589
I hope you
and your dickhead pals

1331
01:11:40,756 --> 01:11:45,510
enjoyed picking on poor Dave,
because now my veins surge

1332
01:11:45,510 --> 01:11:48,138
with a thousand generations
of death.

1333
01:11:48,138 --> 01:11:53,435
My claws are like hammers,
my teeth are like swords!

1334
01:11:53,435 --> 01:11:56,813
I am vengeance!
And I am immortal!

1335
01:11:56,813 --> 01:11:58,440
[SPLATTER]

1336
01:12:03,820 --> 01:12:04,821
Eww.

1337
01:12:05,447 --> 01:12:07,491
I knew you were a good vampire.

1338
01:12:07,491 --> 01:12:10,577
I'm not a good vampire.
I just always hated Dave.

1339
01:12:13,997 --> 01:12:16,083
Well, what now, asshole?

1340
01:12:16,625 --> 01:12:19,503
Yeah, it looks like
you're fresh out of friends.

1341
01:12:19,503 --> 01:12:21,129
Nah, I'll make more.

1342
01:12:21,797 --> 01:12:24,299
Oh, that's a lot of blood!

1343
01:12:24,299 --> 01:12:25,384
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

1344
01:12:25,384 --> 01:12:28,261
- Area secure?
- Not in the slightest.

1345
01:12:29,137 --> 01:12:30,222
Huh?

1346
01:12:30,222 --> 01:12:31,515
ANDREW: Fuck that NCAA pool.

1347
01:12:31,515 --> 01:12:34,142
That was a bullshit foul
at the end of the UNC game.

1348
01:12:34,142 --> 01:12:35,644
Fucking Duke.

1349
01:12:35,644 --> 01:12:36,979
- You hungry?
- Yeah.

1350
01:12:36,979 --> 01:12:39,314
I can punch right into
this thing. It's hilarious.

1351
01:12:39,314 --> 01:12:41,149
-[LOUD CLANGING]
- Yeah!

1352
01:12:41,149 --> 01:12:43,151
Oh, honestly, guys,

1353
01:12:44,569 --> 01:12:46,488
did you really think it was
going to be that easy?

1354
01:12:47,155 --> 01:12:49,658
No, not at first, but then it...

1355
01:12:49,658 --> 01:12:52,202
- Once we got going, it was...
- MAX: Oh, come on!

1356
01:12:52,202 --> 01:12:54,246
You think I would attempt to
take over this entire company

1357
01:12:54,246 --> 01:12:55,998
without consulting legal first?

1358
01:12:56,790 --> 01:12:58,041
[ELEVATOR DINGING]

1359
01:12:59,001 --> 01:13:00,877
Oh, lawyers?

1360
01:13:06,258 --> 01:13:10,470
Amanda, a private word with you
in my office please.

1361
01:13:12,014 --> 01:13:14,057
[EVAN GRUNTING]

1362
01:13:15,851 --> 01:13:18,979
Um, Amanda,
where are you going?

1363
01:13:18,979 --> 01:13:23,025
Uh, I don't
really know actually.

1364
01:13:23,233 --> 01:13:25,360
Hey, remember when I did this
to your girlfriend in college

1365
01:13:25,360 --> 01:13:27,487
without using
supernatural powers?

1366
01:13:28,071 --> 01:13:29,531
Hey, I'm just saying why go pro

1367
01:13:29,531 --> 01:13:31,450
when your school has a chance
at the Championships?

1368
01:13:31,450 --> 01:13:32,993
Run the risk of injury?
No way man.

1369
01:13:32,993 --> 01:13:34,578
You got to take the money
and run.

1370
01:13:36,079 --> 01:13:38,248
Evan, you can go home
for the clay.

1371
01:13:38,248 --> 01:13:40,125
Frank, you can die.

1372
01:13:41,376 --> 01:13:43,253
[VAMPIRES SNARLING]

1373
01:13:45,130 --> 01:13:46,423
It has been an honor
and a pleasure

1374
01:13:46,423 --> 01:13:47,924
to serve with you, Colonel...

1375
01:13:48,467 --> 01:13:50,385
But it's time we parted ways.

1376
01:13:50,969 --> 01:13:53,346
Any-who, I'm going to
turn you now.

1377
01:13:53,346 --> 01:13:54,639
I hope that's cool.

1378
01:13:54,639 --> 01:13:56,600
No, I don't want to
be a vampire.

1379
01:13:57,350 --> 01:14:00,145
No, no, no, Frank. They will,
they will eat you alive.

1380
01:14:00,145 --> 01:14:02,481
Literally. Literally, literally.

1381
01:14:02,481 --> 01:14:04,524
Not the bullshit way
most people use it.

1382
01:14:05,525 --> 01:14:06,985
You never know
if you're the kind of guy

1383
01:14:06,985 --> 01:14:10,030
who'll jump on a grenade,
till it lands at your feet.

1384
01:14:10,030 --> 01:14:11,531
Man, that's intense.

1385
01:14:11,531 --> 01:14:12,908
Being a vampire is amazing.

1386
01:14:12,908 --> 01:14:14,743
We had a crazy vampire orgy
last night

1387
01:14:14,910 --> 01:14:16,620
It was mind-blowing.

1388
01:14:16,620 --> 01:14:18,288
Yeah, but I just got some
new golf clubs...

1389
01:14:18,622 --> 01:14:21,291
Thanks, Frank.
I'm going to recommend you

1390
01:14:21,291 --> 01:14:24,461
for a meritorious service medal
when all this is over.

1391
01:14:24,461 --> 01:14:26,713
I'm not going to let you
stake me so...

1392
01:14:29,674 --> 01:14:31,009
Some pickle, huh?

1393
01:14:31,718 --> 01:14:34,888
Much obliged, sir. Now go
in there and kill our boss.

1394
01:14:35,764 --> 01:14:37,307
[FRANK YELLING]

1395
01:14:41,478 --> 01:14:46,191
Come on! Come on, get him!

1396
01:14:46,191 --> 01:14:47,192
[AMANDA STRUGGLING]

1397
01:14:47,984 --> 01:14:50,612
Oh, hey, pal! I was just about
to turn your girl

1398
01:14:50,612 --> 01:14:52,239
and fuck her on Ted's desk.

1399
01:14:53,323 --> 01:14:56,326
Sorry. [CHUCKLING] My desk.

1400
01:14:56,326 --> 01:14:57,911
You fucking dick.

1401
01:14:58,703 --> 01:15:01,498
Amanda, you need to focus
on your job.

1402
01:15:01,957 --> 01:15:04,459
HR is going to be swamped
with all the new hires

1403
01:15:04,459 --> 01:15:05,585
we're going to need.

1404
01:15:06,253 --> 01:15:08,213
Oh, let's just get this
over with.

1405
01:15:08,213 --> 01:15:09,798
I'd rather die than listen

1406
01:15:09,798 --> 01:15:12,050
to your lame management style
any longer.

1407
01:15:12,217 --> 01:15:16,596
My management style
is effective. And refreshing.

1408
01:15:16,972 --> 01:15:21,017
Okay, option seven, you just
eat like raccoons and stuff.

1409
01:15:21,017 --> 01:15:22,727
That is disgusting. No.

1410
01:15:24,896 --> 01:15:28,608
Evan, do you remember
what I said we sell here?

1411
01:15:29,609 --> 01:15:32,028
- Dreams?
- Yeah, that was bullshit.

1412
01:15:32,904 --> 01:15:34,281
We sell fear.

1413
01:15:34,281 --> 01:15:38,827
Option eight, I don't turn you,
I just kill you.

1414
01:15:38,994 --> 01:15:41,163
No, that doesn't work for me,
'cause then I'm just dead.

1415
01:15:41,163 --> 01:15:43,832
Our customers are afraid.

1416
01:15:43,832 --> 01:15:46,626
Afraid that life
is passing them by,

1417
01:15:46,626 --> 01:15:48,587
which to be fair, it is.

1418
01:15:49,629 --> 01:15:54,467
And that is why you
are perfect for this place.

1419
01:15:54,467 --> 01:15:58,013
Because you are a coward.

1420
01:16:00,932 --> 01:16:02,058
H“ Q t; kw“

1421
01:16:02,601 --> 01:16:04,936
Okay, option nine, I let you go

1422
01:16:04,936 --> 01:16:06,730
but you have to promise
not to kill anyone.

1423
01:16:06,730 --> 01:16:08,440
No way, man. A vamp's got to eat.

1424
01:16:08,440 --> 01:16:11,276
You were afraid to tell Amanda
you love her because of why?

1425
01:16:12,152 --> 01:16:13,987
Because you work together?

1426
01:16:14,529 --> 01:16:16,364
Because she earns more than you?

1427
01:16:16,740 --> 01:16:19,409
Roshambo?
Winner chooses our fate?

1428
01:16:22,120 --> 01:16:25,498
One, two, three, yes! Sorry.

1429
01:16:26,166 --> 01:16:28,168
You didn't even have the balls
to quit

1430
01:16:28,168 --> 01:16:31,755
when this incompetent turd
passed you over

1431
01:16:31,755 --> 01:16:35,800
for the guy you hate most
on the face of the Earth.

1432
01:16:36,259 --> 01:16:38,720
You are so afraid of life.

1433
01:16:39,930 --> 01:16:43,767
[CHUCKLING] And you actually
want to be sales manager

1434
01:16:43,767 --> 01:16:45,060
in this shithole.

1435
01:16:45,060 --> 01:16:46,478
Mandy!

1436
01:16:46,478 --> 01:16:48,772
We are trying
to have a conversation.

1437
01:16:48,772 --> 01:16:51,024
-[AMANDA SCREAMING]
- No!

1438
01:16:53,902 --> 01:16:56,321
- Well, two out of three?
- Yeah.

1439
01:16:57,197 --> 01:16:58,782
One, two, three.

1440
01:17:00,742 --> 01:17:03,870
I am not going to change you.
That's right.

1441
01:17:03,870 --> 01:17:09,292
I'll leave you alive and stuck
in this pathetic pointless job

1442
01:17:09,542 --> 01:17:12,545
now, until the day you die.

1443
01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:15,090
This suit is bespoke.

1444
01:17:16,967 --> 01:17:18,343
One, two, three.

1445
01:17:18,343 --> 01:17:19,552
[EVAN YELLING]

1446
01:17:19,552 --> 01:17:21,888
Sharing the desk
with the photo printer,

1447
01:17:21,888 --> 01:17:26,726
while I stay young
with the woman you love,

1448
01:17:27,227 --> 01:17:29,229
immortal at my side.

1449
01:17:29,396 --> 01:17:31,064
[EVAN GROANING]

1450
01:17:33,233 --> 01:17:35,110
I'd rather fucking die first.

1451
01:17:36,903 --> 01:17:40,073
Yeah, yeah,
that's the way it works.

1452
01:17:42,200 --> 01:17:43,994
[SCREAMING]

1453
01:17:50,375 --> 01:17:52,127
[MAX GROWLING]

1454
01:17:52,127 --> 01:17:53,753
Holy shit!

1455
01:17:54,462 --> 01:17:56,548
I think I'm ready
to turn in my resignation.

1456
01:17:56,548 --> 01:17:57,507
Yeah.

1457
01:18:18,778 --> 01:18:21,948
You want this job? Then take it.

1458
01:18:21,948 --> 01:18:23,616
[YELLING]

1459
01:18:23,616 --> 01:18:27,412
Die, you bloodsucking bastard!

1460
01:18:30,415 --> 01:18:31,875
[ROARING]

1461
01:18:36,379 --> 01:18:37,881
Oh, shit.

1462
01:18:37,881 --> 01:18:39,799
[EXPLODES AND SPLATTERS]

1463
01:18:48,808 --> 01:18:52,395
Well, this is pretty much the
grossest thing I've ever seen.

1464
01:18:59,235 --> 01:19:03,156
I stand corrected. Yuk.

1465
01:19:03,865 --> 01:19:05,158
[TIM CLEARING THROAT]

1466
01:19:07,952 --> 01:19:09,079
Hey.

1467
01:19:11,289 --> 01:19:13,208
Is all this Max's blood?

1468
01:19:14,918 --> 01:19:19,547
Uh, some of it's mine,
some of it's Evans.

1469
01:19:19,547 --> 01:19:20,507
Yeah.

1470
01:19:21,883 --> 01:19:22,884
Gross.

1471
01:19:24,010 --> 01:19:24,969
Yeah.

1472
01:19:26,513 --> 01:19:28,264
Hey, Frank?

1473
01:19:29,307 --> 01:19:30,975
Lost in the line of duty.

1474
01:19:32,560 --> 01:19:34,396
I really liked that guy.

1475
01:19:34,396 --> 01:19:37,065
Well, on the plus side,
no more vamps.

1476
01:19:37,065 --> 01:19:38,024
Yeah.

1477
01:19:39,526 --> 01:19:40,860
[WRISTWATCH BEEPING]

1478
01:19:40,860 --> 01:19:43,738
Oh, hey, another work day.

1479
01:19:43,738 --> 01:19:44,948
Bitchin'

1480
01:19:49,828 --> 01:19:50,995
[ELEVATOR muss]

1481
01:19:52,497 --> 01:19:55,125
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

1482
01:20:10,014 --> 01:20:13,768
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

1483
01:20:15,270 --> 01:20:17,313
[MUSIC FADES OUT]

1484
01:20:18,398 --> 01:20:19,649
[EVAN SIGHING]

1485
01:20:20,483 --> 01:20:21,901
[WEAPON CLANGING]

1486
01:20:24,612 --> 01:20:25,738
[ELEVATOR muss]

1487
01:20:47,760 --> 01:20:49,762
EVAN: Is it weird
that I'm hungry?

1488
01:20:49,762 --> 01:20:50,889
TIM: Oh, I could eat.

1489
01:20:51,639 --> 01:20:53,141
AMANDA: Where do you guys
wanna go?

1490
01:20:53,141 --> 01:20:55,894
EVAN: Well, somewhere without
blood on it.

1491
01:20:55,894 --> 01:20:57,061
TIM: That rules out Denny's.

1492
01:20:59,147 --> 01:21:00,523
AMANDA: Have a pizza.

1493
01:21:01,608 --> 01:21:02,775
Oh shit.

1494
01:21:04,360 --> 01:21:06,279
Sorry, Mom. Are you still there?

1495
01:21:06,613 --> 01:21:08,907
Hey! Yeah.

1496
01:21:08,907 --> 01:21:11,159
No, you'll never guess
what happened at work.

1497
01:21:12,327 --> 01:21:13,870
Oh, you could hear it
the whole time?

1498
01:21:32,805 --> 01:21:34,098
<i>Bastardo!</i>

1499
01:21:36,059 --> 01:21:37,810
[MAID GASPING]

1500
01:21:38,019 --> 01:21:41,773
[GROWLING SOFTLY]
Welcome to the team.

1501
01:21:41,773 --> 01:21:43,149
My office in 10.