1 00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:08,023 Hey, I wanted to come say merry Christmas 2 00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:09,411 before we all leave for the break. 3 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:11,112 Oh, thank you, Lemon. That's very thoughtful. 4 00:00:11,136 --> 00:00:12,136 Help yourself to a gift. 5 00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:14,640 Oh, wow. 6 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,932 It's our new handheld photo scanner/paper shredder. 7 00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,997 Oh, well, won't people just end up shredding their photos? 8 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,248 Well, no, no, it's very easy to use. 9 00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,392 If you want to photo-scan, you flip the switch to P.S. 10 00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:27,194 And if you want to paper shred, you flip the switch to... 11 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,279 Oh. 12 00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:31,448 I'd like to make an announcement! 13 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,661 I just want to say that I'm really sorry 14 00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:37,913 for whatever I'm going to do at the party tonight. 15 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,249 And I forgive all of you in advance 16 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:41,583 for leaving me passed out 17 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,155 by the elevator in my own gravy. 18 00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:45,254 Merry Ludachristmas, everyone! 19 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,881 Are you gonna do horny Santa again, Frank? 20 00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:51,510 That was so funny last year when I sat on your lap. 21 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:54,429 Yes, funny. 22 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:56,056 So big plans for the holidays? 23 00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:58,068 Yeah, my parents are coming with my brother, 24 00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:00,686 and we're gonna go see Jersey boys on Broadway. 25 00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,080 And we're gonna go to that restaurant 26 00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:03,264 where they pretend it's Mars. 27 00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:05,282 God, you must be a ball of anxiety right now. 28 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:06,566 No, I'm really excited. 29 00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:08,095 What are you trying to say, Lemon? 30 00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:08,652 That your family's perfect and you never fight? 31 00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:10,779 No, I remember them arguing a lot 32 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:13,407 during the gas crisis of '79. 33 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:14,950 But since Carter left office, 34 00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,522 it's been pretty smooth sailing. 35 00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:17,618 You got that right. 36 00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,538 So is your mom coming up from Florida? 37 00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:22,708 No, I invited her out of my paralyzing Irish guilt, 38 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,877 but her plane was grounded because of hurricane Zapato. 39 00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:27,921 Look at that! 40 00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:28,755 That's where she lives. 41 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,174 Jupiter, the eye of the storm... oh! 42 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:33,385 So are you alone for Christmas? 43 00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:35,137 No, I was gonna drive up to Vermont 44 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,429 and surprise C.C. 45 00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:38,640 Sir! Your mother is here. 46 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,309 She took a bus to Atlanta. 47 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,769 She got jet Blue to accept an amtrak ticket. 48 00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:44,271 Tell her I'm... 49 00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,416 ♪ Jingle bells, ♪ jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ ♪ 50 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,150 Surprise! It's your mother. 51 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,526 Merry Christmas. 52 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,612 Mwah! 53 00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:53,905 Jack... 54 00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:55,637 Isn't this the office you had before? 55 00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,302 I thought you were up for a big promotion. 56 00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:58,606 I am, mother, and there are only 57 00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:00,305 two nicer offices in the whole building. 58 00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:02,456 Only two? I don't like the odds. 59 00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:04,291 I think you better let that dream go. 60 00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,668 Hello, Liz! 61 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,920 What the hell was that? 62 00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,881 It's a message on my phone from a friend. 63 00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:13,216 Oh, Jackie, please. Who is she? 64 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:14,508 Her name is C.C. 65 00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,595 Is she Spanish? What if she was, mother? 66 00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:18,555 She's very smart, Colleen. You'd like her. 67 00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:21,058 My thanks to the peanut gallery. 68 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:25,270 Jack, this coat isn't going to take itself off. 69 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:36,531 ♪ ♪ 70 00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:49,336 Ludachristmas is tonight? 71 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,630 Well, I guess I can make it. 72 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:52,982 I just hope I don't get drunk 73 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,609 and sing Christmas Carols like I did last year. 74 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,176 Well, I'm not going, because my parents 75 00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:57,737 and my brother Mitch are in town. 76 00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,721 Mitch is here? Yes. 77 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,973 For those of you who don't know my brother, 78 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:03,809 Mitch was in a skiing accident 79 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,341 his senior year of high school, 80 00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:08,730 and he has what's called trauma-induced niveaphasia. 81 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,191 Basically he's just stuck 82 00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:12,859 in the day before his accident. 83 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:17,406 Oh, tomorrow's the big day! 84 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,074 It's gonna be totally rad! 85 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,826 Yeah, Mitch, rad! 86 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:25,162 He thinks it's 1985. 87 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,873 So if you meet him, just be cool. 88 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,750 It should be mentioned that sexually 89 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,419 Mitch is very much an adult. 90 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,713 No, it should not be mentioned. 91 00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:33,630 Merry Christmas 92 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:36,591 from Sheinhart-universal, everyone. 93 00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:37,963 Merry Christmas. Thank you! 94 00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,594 Merry Christmas. 95 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,179 Merry Jewish. 96 00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:42,139 Merry Christmas. 97 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:43,557 What is this? 98 00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,226 It's a ps-575 photo shredder. 99 00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,647 Well, that's not the Christmas spirit. 100 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:53,483 Christmas is about gratitude and togetherness. 101 00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,277 Sitting with friends and family 102 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,028 around a crackling fire 103 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,947 waiting for the owl meat to cook. 104 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,701 Sometimes I don't think you people 105 00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:04,786 understand Christmas at all. 106 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,165 Hi, I think I'm early. 107 00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:09,737 I'm here to have Christmas meats 108 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,626 eaten off my chest at some party. 109 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,758 Merry Christmas, Ms. Lemon. 110 00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:19,801 Oh, thank you, Kenneth. 111 00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:23,805 Well, fancy suits. 112 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,097 How was court? 113 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:26,348 Not great, Beth. 114 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:27,768 Oh, you really were in court? 115 00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:29,227 All tray had to do 116 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:31,271 was sign his community service papers. 117 00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,815 But he makes a stop for breakfast first. 118 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,276 So it's my fault diners can serve alcohol 119 00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:37,568 in New York state? 120 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:38,862 That's on me now? 121 00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:41,072 Now I have to wear this for 30 days. 122 00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:42,699 Oh, my goodness. 123 00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:44,594 If I even had a drop of alcohol in my sweat, 124 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,411 a signal goes to ankle bracelet headquarters 125 00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,872 in Denver, and I go to jail. 126 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,712 And now? This time of the year? 127 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,798 Ludachristmas? Nude year's Eve? 128 00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:01,176 Martin Luther King day? All you do is drink. 129 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,268 No, Tracy, you are not going to Ludachristmas. 130 00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:04,739 But... the three of you are in charge 131 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:05,923 of keeping him from drinking. 132 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:09,226 Okay. But who's project Manager? 133 00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,855 Hmm, that bad, huh? 134 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,357 Oh, these aren't for me. 135 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,651 I'm sending them to my mother's hotel room 136 00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,629 because the room service there is too salty. 137 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:20,946 Family stuff can be tough. 138 00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,907 Lemon party! Permission to land! 139 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,785 Ohh! Permission granted! 140 00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:29,329 There's my baby! 141 00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:30,861 Hey, Liz, you want to go skiing 142 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:32,666 up at Piper's peak tomorrow? 143 00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:33,958 It's gonna be rad. 144 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:35,585 Psych! You can't go! 145 00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,045 It's the senior class trip! 146 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:41,675 Oh, psych! You got me, Mitch! 147 00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,047 Jack, these are my parents. 148 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,134 Dick Lemon. 149 00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:45,637 This is my boy Mitch. 150 00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:48,098 And my first wife Margaret. 151 00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:49,808 First and last, hi! Jack Donaghy. 152 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:53,186 You are a very, very handsome man. 153 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,856 He looks like an arrow shirt model. 154 00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:58,942 So, Jack, is this beautiful genius 155 00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:01,903 the best employee you've ever had or what? 156 00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:06,700 No. 157 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,539 I like this guy's honesty. 158 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:13,915 Yeah, me too. 159 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,084 Show us what you've been working on... 160 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,378 Wilma Shakespeare. 161 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:21,089 Oh, I'm just so proud of you. 162 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:24,259 Oh, you boota boota boota! Mwah! 163 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,303 Nice to meet you, sir. Yeah. 164 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,103 Would you wrap these up 165 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,035 and send them to the ritz-Carlton, please? 166 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,105 Oh. 167 00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:43,904 Oh, my goodness! 168 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,156 Look at this! 169 00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,366 They built all of this 170 00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:50,785 because of your words you wrote. 171 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:54,039 Thank you, thank you. 172 00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:56,011 Hey, Liz, guess who's going skiing with me? 173 00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:58,043 Chris Stanek, your boyfriend! 174 00:06:58,335 --> 00:06:59,335 Woo! 175 00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:00,377 Aw, what? Shut up! 176 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,088 I don't like him! Boys are gross! 177 00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:05,383 Did you hear that Chris Stanek got divorced? 178 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:07,218 When? Is he dating again? 179 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:08,654 Lemon, could I have a word with you for a moment? 180 00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,555 Oh, excuse me. 181 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:13,516 Is, uh, everything okay? Yeah, why? 182 00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:16,019 Your family is strange. 183 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:16,978 Oh, Mitch? 184 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,456 No, he was in a skiing accident, 185 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:19,564 and he thinks it's 1985. 186 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:20,856 No, I get it. 187 00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:22,400 I'm talking about your parents. 188 00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,003 What did your mother mean when she said 189 00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,403 that you were a beautiful genius? 190 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:26,695 Was she taunting you? 191 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,823 No, they're just super supportive. 192 00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:30,134 They've always been like that. 193 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:30,700 Even I when I sued 194 00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,219 the lower white haven school district 195 00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:33,703 to let girls play football. 196 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,622 Hut! 197 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:41,169 Yeah! Feminism! 198 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,921 What? 199 00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,381 Oh. 200 00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:47,404 We didn't make the playoffs that year, 201 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,386 but I think we led the league in bravery. 202 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,680 My god, I've never seen 203 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,015 such relentless blind encouragement. 204 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,935 No wonder you're a sexually frightened know-it-all. 205 00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:58,537 Hey, dad, take my picture, look. 206 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,563 I'm the lady from flashdance. 207 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,416 That's a good flashdance, honey 208 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,152 Good flashdance. 209 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:11,491 The holidays without drinking is rough. 210 00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:13,076 Turns out football is boring. 211 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,870 My wife's sister ain't as cute as I thought she was. 212 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,832 And I cannot play the guitar. 213 00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:20,724 Mr. Jordan, I know how difficult this is. 214 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:25,088 I was pretty addicted to coke back in my Wall Street days. 215 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,554 But you can get through this. 216 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,086 The first night is the hardest. 217 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:35,890 But tonight is Ludachristmas. 218 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:38,268 No, tonight you and I 219 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,979 are gonna have some real Christmas fun. 220 00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:43,231 We can play party games. Like murder! 221 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,109 First, everybody takes a slip of paper out of a hat. 222 00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,028 And one person's slip says "murderer." 223 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,321 And another person's slip says "inspector." 224 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:51,990 Then everyone puts their head down. 225 00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,284 Except the murderer. He's the inspector. 226 00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:55,744 No, that's not right. 227 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,121 K, thanks for trying to help. 228 00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,413 But I'm gonna go home, 229 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:00,915 do some thinking, 230 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:06,087 and tell my wife's sister to disregard all my emails. 231 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,923 That hotel was a disaster, Jack. 232 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:12,093 The TV had over 100 channels, for god sakes. 233 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,865 I'm only gonna be here for three days. 234 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,414 Fine, mother. You can stay with me. 235 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:17,057 No, I will not let you do that. 236 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:18,058 Are you sure? 237 00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,101 Yes, mother, I'm quite sure. 238 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,145 All right, then, that's settled. 239 00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:24,022 Jack, do you have a bathroom 240 00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:25,982 that I can get to in a hurry? 241 00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:29,194 Yes, right in here, mother. 242 00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:31,112 Well, that is close, isn't it? 243 00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:32,404 I'll be right out. 244 00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,995 She should've been there. 245 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:42,123 Knock knock! It's just the lemons. 246 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,125 We've come to drop off 247 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:45,460 a little good-bye present. 248 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,003 Oh, thank you! 249 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,963 Oh, my goodness! 250 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,925 What a beautiful office. 251 00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:55,136 Oh, your mother must be so proud of you. Well... 252 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,888 Wow, look at this carpet. 253 00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,780 I feel like we should take off our shoes. 254 00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,266 Should we take off our shoes? 255 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:02,203 No, please sit down and make yourselves comfortable. 256 00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,561 Well, we don't want to bother you. 257 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:06,022 We know you must have big plans. 258 00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:07,541 Well, I was going to drive up to Vermont 259 00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:08,626 and visit my girlfriend C.C. 260 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,151 Oh, I love that name. C.C. 261 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,754 Ooh, I'll bet any girlfriend of yours 262 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,238 is a real winner. 263 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:13,988 Well, she is a congresswoman. 264 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:14,989 Oh, my goodness! 265 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,367 And she does have her own lifetime movie. 266 00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,869 Lifetime! Wowsers! 267 00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:22,041 Why don't we cut the charade and you two tell me 268 00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:23,605 what exactly it is you want from me. 269 00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,463 Now, Alfonso, let's find 270 00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:32,549 where you should put the keyboard. 271 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,676 ♪ Open, open ♪ 272 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,344 ♪ hommina, hommina, hommina ♪ 273 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,264 ♪ open pit barbecue sauce ♪ 274 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:40,890 Yes, this is the sweet spot. 275 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,226 Oh, and no chitchat between songs this year. 276 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,395 People don't watch letterman for Paul shaffer. 277 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,397 Excuse me, ma'am, do you know where the bathroom is? 278 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:54,696 Hi there, Mitch. It's Jenna. 279 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:55,697 Maroney. 280 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,240 We know each other. 281 00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:59,452 Are you, like, a friend of my mom's or something? 282 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,161 I mean, I'll tell her you said hi. 283 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,044 What's up? Do you like wham? 284 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,421 'Cause I'm kind of like 285 00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:13,298 the George Michael of my school. 286 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:16,050 Oh, you're Mitch. Yeah. 287 00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,444 Coming to the party tonight? 288 00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,012 Oh, I wish. 289 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,848 I gotta rest up for my big ski trip tomorrow. 290 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,140 You know, maybe you and I 291 00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:24,618 could do something together next week. 292 00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:25,935 Definitely. 293 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,645 My parents are away next week. 294 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,190 You should come over. I'll be in the hot tub. 295 00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:32,192 What? 296 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:33,693 Oh, my god! 297 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:38,948 That's a filthy Christmas miracle. 298 00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:43,953 There you guys are. 299 00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:45,830 I'm sorry they just barged in like that. 300 00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:46,664 On, not at all. 301 00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:47,975 They were just dropping off 302 00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,167 this Christmas present. 303 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:51,502 Oh, and look at this. 304 00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:53,755 It's got cheese and butter and caramel. 305 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,299 All my favorites. How did you know? 306 00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:57,591 Well, we will let you go. 307 00:11:57,759 --> 00:11:59,359 We've got a lot of window shopping to do. 308 00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:01,554 Jack, why don't you come with us? 309 00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:03,407 Come on, you can talk to Mitch about President Reagan. 310 00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:06,768 Oh, in his mind Reagan is still president. 311 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,102 You lucky bastard. 312 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,188 What? 313 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,148 I would love to go with you. 314 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,983 Good, good, good! 315 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:17,319 Jack? 316 00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:19,614 Hey, dude, I thought you left. 317 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,300 Yeah, I mean, what are you guys doing? 318 00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:22,033 Going to Ludachristmas? 319 00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:23,427 Yep, we heard you can't drink. 320 00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:24,661 You still coming? 321 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:25,953 No, no, I can't go 322 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,320 because of the ankle bracelet. 323 00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,457 But maybe I could go and just not drink. 324 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,251 Hey, maybe I'll compromise. 325 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:33,022 I'll go to the party, cut off my foot, 326 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,253 and drink all I want. 327 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,050 Luda-Christmas! 328 00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:40,385 Luda-Christmas! 329 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:41,803 Luda-Christmas! 330 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,095 Luda-Christmas! 331 00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,597 Luda-Christmas... 332 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,099 Grizz, Dotcom, 333 00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:47,391 shut the doors. 334 00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:49,769 Some people need to learn about Christmas. 335 00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:55,275 Hey, watch out for her, Jack. 336 00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:57,860 She's a natural athlete. 337 00:12:58,152 --> 00:12:59,821 Played high school football. 338 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,532 It was just one game, dad. 339 00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,426 Although I did kind of change everything forever. 340 00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,078 I'll never forget that day. 341 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,914 Jack, you laced those up like a professional. 342 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:11,206 Good for you! 343 00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:12,332 It's nice to have 344 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,022 some positive reinforcement, isn't it? 345 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,562 Well, it's only positive reinforcement 346 00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:16,586 when they say it to you. 347 00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:19,340 In my case, they're just stating the facts. 348 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:20,651 I do look like the arrow shirt man, 349 00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,195 I did lace up my skates professionally, 350 00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,470 and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin. 351 00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,639 You wish you were in my family. 352 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:29,142 Oh! Don't be ridiculous. 353 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,811 So this Disney cruise in march, are you in or out? 354 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:33,103 Hey, huddle up. 355 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,426 We're gonna take a picture. Yeah. 356 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:35,857 Oh, thank you. 357 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,149 Say "Lemon!" 358 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,526 Lemon! 359 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,154 Jack! 360 00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,197 Having fun? 361 00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:50,163 Under the bridge, under the bridge, woo! 362 00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:51,515 Jack, what the hell are you up to? 363 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,832 Mother, I'm sorry, 364 00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:54,810 but the lemons invited me out, and I couldn't say no. 365 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,461 They're very nice people. 366 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:58,273 Oh, nice. I'll show you nice. 367 00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:00,381 Let's all meet down at the soda shop 368 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,342 while this country turns into Mexico. 369 00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:04,278 Now, you see, they don't say things like that. 370 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,487 They're very polite to each other. 371 00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,511 I suppose you think 372 00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:09,807 that they're more nurturing than I am. 373 00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:11,434 Mother, there are terrorist cells 374 00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,394 that are more nurturing than you are. 375 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,397 Be careful. I'll cry. 376 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,567 You give me ten minutes with the Lemon family 377 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,486 and I'll have them tearing at each other 378 00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:24,489 like drag queens at a wig sale. 379 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,199 Oh! 380 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:27,651 Mom, dad, this is Jack's mom. 381 00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:29,465 We have heard such great things about you. 382 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,454 Have you? 383 00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:33,289 You must join us for dinner. 384 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:34,581 No, no, no! 385 00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:35,911 No, we can't. We have plans. 386 00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,836 Uh, had plans. 387 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,172 An evening out with the lemons. 388 00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,299 Who could ask for anything more? 389 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,051 Great! 390 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,263 Thank you, reverend Gary. 391 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:53,059 That was both entertaining and educational. 392 00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:55,111 Christmas has gone off the rails around here. 393 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,479 Look out there. 394 00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:59,315 That is not a Christmas tree. 395 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,001 It's a way to lure tourists into the basement 396 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:03,069 to buy $20 salads. 397 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:06,906 We've lost track of what's important. 398 00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:08,467 So now we're gonna go around the circle, 399 00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:09,771 and every one of us is gonna say 400 00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:11,327 what Christmas means to them. 401 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:17,166 Unh! 402 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,127 Let's start here. 403 00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:25,883 It's so hard to choose. 404 00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,719 The photos of the food look so good. 405 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:30,346 I am gonna have 406 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,057 the fried onion tower for two for one. 407 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,893 Good for you! 408 00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,395 You must be so proud of Liz. 409 00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:40,940 Making it on her own so far a way from home. 410 00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,359 That gives us an excuse to visit New York. 411 00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,194 I see. 412 00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,613 Any grandchildren? 413 00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:50,324 Oh, what a shame. 414 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,742 Must eat you up inside. 415 00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,829 Oh, well, champy, our spaniel, 416 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,873 keeps us pretty busy. 417 00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:59,625 See, mother, not all species eat their young. 418 00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,544 Let's change the subject. 419 00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:03,296 Politics. 420 00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:06,883 We don't discuss that stuff. 421 00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,384 Life is too short. 422 00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:09,135 Really? 423 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:12,180 Life is too short? 424 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,557 Because your life seems endless. 425 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,479 ♪ Life ♪ ♪ 426 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:20,354 Thank you, reverend Gary. 427 00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:23,149 It was to the tune of American pie, 428 00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:24,609 but so much longer. 429 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,903 Listen, we done learned our lesson 430 00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:28,613 about the big tree or whatever. 431 00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,531 This has got to stop now! 432 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,201 Yeah, who care about the true meaning of Christmas? 433 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:36,454 It's about getting crap and eating too much! Yeah! 434 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,626 It's about getting drunk and hugging your cousin 435 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,791 until your mom says, "Frank, enough." 436 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,083 That's right. 437 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:43,395 Well, now seems like a good time 438 00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:44,795 for reverend Gary to show the video 439 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,881 of his mission to Guatemala last year. 440 00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:49,967 What?! Is this a culture where toplessness is common? 441 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,139 Pedazos de Madera! 442 00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,350 Tal como lo pedi mis rezos! 443 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:04,774 ♪ ♪ 444 00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:06,567 And here is what you did 445 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:10,029 with your Christmas presents. 446 00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:12,782 Wow. We take so much for granted. 447 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,825 Instead of having a party, 448 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,203 we should donate the money to those kids. 449 00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:18,722 We should tell all our family and friends 450 00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:20,186 we don't want any presents this year. 451 00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:21,331 Yeah! 452 00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:22,124 We should volunteer at a soup kitchen 453 00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,627 instead of shopping for stuff no one needs! 454 00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:26,379 Yeah! 455 00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:28,671 We should go downstairs and chop down the big tree! 456 00:17:28,798 --> 00:17:30,883 Yeah! 457 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,470 No! No, wait! 458 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,562 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 459 00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,230 Your mother is killing me. 460 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,983 Have I ever kissed a woman? What is that about? 461 00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:48,734 Welcome to my world, Lemon. 462 00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,695 She's trying to break your spirit. Why? 463 00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:52,147 Because she's trying to prove 464 00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:53,799 that your family is as screwed up as mine is. 465 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,324 Well, that's ridiculous. 466 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,618 Oh, Mitch found a newspaper. 467 00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,328 Mitch, that's a joke newspaper! 468 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,330 What? 469 00:18:02,957 --> 00:18:05,376 Why can't you just leave well enough alone? 470 00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:08,045 Because the lemons are not what they appear to be. 471 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,339 I mean, I may be heavy furniture, 472 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:12,508 but I did a pretty good job raising you. 473 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,552 I mean, look at you today and look at them. 474 00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:15,886 They look happy 475 00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:17,178 they're in denial. 476 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,015 I mean, come on! 477 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,100 Now, dick, let me get... 478 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,395 Ah-ah, Jack! It's on me. 479 00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:27,189 Wouldn't be a Lemon party without old dick. 480 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,860 Easy on the fried food, honey. 481 00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:32,672 Oh, come on, I can eat whatever I want. 482 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,030 I'm a teenager. 483 00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:36,198 Mitch, don't you ever get tired 484 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:37,718 of Liz getting all the attention 485 00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:39,827 her being the baby and all? 486 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,263 Oh, no, my folks make a lot of time for me. 487 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,287 I mean, just yesterday 488 00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,665 we went to see goonies together... 489 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,292 Uh-oh. 490 00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:48,353 You weren't supposed to know that, Liz, sorry. 491 00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,671 Wait, you saw goonies yesterday? 492 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,591 Does he mean 1985 yesterday? 493 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,509 Yeah, December 6, 1985. 494 00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,237 I mean, what else would I mean by yesterday? 495 00:18:57,261 --> 00:18:58,261 Duh! 496 00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:00,931 Well, that was the day of my football game. 497 00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:02,583 Did you not go to my football game? 498 00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:07,730 We were a little embarrassed, Liz. 499 00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:09,022 Dad, did you... 500 00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:10,316 It's white haven football, 501 00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:12,401 for god's sake, Elizabeth. 502 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:15,237 It means something. I wore that uniform. 503 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,323 I was taking a stand for women. 504 00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:20,618 Are you taking a stand now by not giving us grandkids? 505 00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,620 Oh, you want grandchildren, Margaret? 506 00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:24,389 Why don't you ever bother Mitch about that? 507 00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,082 Because he's 17! 508 00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:28,042 He's 40! 509 00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:29,377 What? 510 00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:33,422 Oh, my god, the accident. 511 00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:34,882 I hit the tree. 512 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,174 No, don't remember. 513 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,718 Oh, I'm so old! 514 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,346 Thank you, Elizabeth Lemon. 515 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:43,057 You are so self-centered, young lady. 516 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:44,058 You didn't even offer to pay for this dinner. 517 00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,394 I'm on a fixed income. 518 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:47,895 Could I have another drink? 519 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:51,190 Bingo. 520 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:54,336 Stop stop! This is not what I meant! 521 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,820 Yes, it is. 522 00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:57,632 We're sending a message to all of those 523 00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:00,825 who have forgotten the scruples of Christmas. 524 00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:02,618 'Cause in order to stay sane, 525 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,120 you have to go crazy! 526 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,545 I had a couple of drinks before the meeting. 527 00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:15,673 Hold that, Kenneth. This is a flask. 528 00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:18,926 So y'all probably shouldn't be listening to me. 529 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:28,811 ♪ Have yourself ♪ 530 00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:31,021 ♪ a merry little Christmas ♪ 531 00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:37,111 ♪ Make the yuletide gay ♪ 532 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:44,160 ♪ from now on our troubles will be miles away ♪ 533 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,872 ♪ ♪ 534 00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:53,169 ♪ here we are as in olden days... ♪ 535 00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:55,671 Do you know why I stay with you, dick? 536 00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,173 Yes, I do know. 537 00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,508 Because you have no income of your own, that's why. 538 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,594 I could've been drinking these for years! 539 00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,763 Explain to me again how gay marriage 540 00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:06,140 is gonna tear this country apart! 541 00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:10,311 Merry Christmas, mother. 542 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:13,481 Merry Christmas, Jackie. 543 00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,125 Tomorrow night I'm gonna take you to a cathouse. 544 00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:16,150 I hate cats. 545 00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:17,985 You'll learn to love them. 546 00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:20,046 It was ridiculous to lie to him that long anyway! 547 00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,906 My life is ruined! 548 00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:29,705 ♪ ♪ 549 00:21:29,997 --> 00:21:33,042 ♪ imagine Christmas wishes ♪ 550 00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:36,170 ♪ shooting out of your eyes ♪ 551 00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:39,340 ♪ a candy cake full of snow dreams ♪ 552 00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:45,137 ♪ a stocking full of sm-i-i-i-iles ♪ 553 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:48,098 ♪ it's a Jordan Christmas ♪ 554 00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:50,267 ♪ it's a Jordan Christmas ♪ ♪