1 00:00:46,196 --> 00:00:48,994 Do you think perhaps... 2 00:00:49,156 --> 00:00:53,388 I mean, would it have been wiser, you know, with hindsight... 3 00:00:53,556 --> 00:00:55,592 - Was it a mistake... - Yes, Bernard? 4 00:00:55,756 --> 00:01:00,307 - You didn't have to agree to present the awards. - Bill recommended it. Didn't you? 5 00:01:00,476 --> 00:01:02,865 I didn't actually recommend it. 6 00:01:03,036 --> 00:01:06,506 I just said the British theatre awards dinner was televised live 7 00:01:06,676 --> 00:01:11,670 and, as guest of honour, you'd be seen by 12 million people in a context of glamour and fun 8 00:01:11,836 --> 00:01:16,227 and you'd be associated with actors and actresses who give pleasure to millions. 9 00:01:16,396 --> 00:01:20,787 - That's not a recommendation? - Isn't it a bad idea to be associated with actors? 10 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:26,110 Their job is pretending to be what they're not. If you're seen with them, people might realise. 11 00:01:27,836 --> 00:01:31,385 - Go on, Bernard. - Well, I... I mean, er, not realise... 12 00:01:31,556 --> 00:01:35,310 ...might suspect... might think that you were, er... 13 00:01:35,476 --> 00:01:38,274 Not that you were pretending, er... entertaining... 14 00:01:38,436 --> 00:01:43,271 - What was it you wanted to speak to Bill about? - You said this wouldn't be controversial. 15 00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:48,146 No other politicians are there. Actors and actresses are usually nice to politicians. 16 00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:51,228 They dish out flattery as eagerly as they lap it up. 17 00:01:51,396 --> 00:01:53,830 - Do they? - Sometimes. 18 00:01:53,996 --> 00:01:56,191 - What about this? - Yes, I'm sorry. 19 00:01:56,356 --> 00:02:01,476 We didn't know how small the Arts Council grant would be when we accepted the invitation. 20 00:02:01,636 --> 00:02:04,355 You knew we were being criticised over the arts. 21 00:02:04,516 --> 00:02:08,270 All governments are always criticised for not giving enough to the arts. 22 00:02:08,436 --> 00:02:11,746 It's how arts journalists suck up to actors and producers. 23 00:02:11,916 --> 00:02:15,465 That's how they get back on speaking terms after giving bad reviews. 24 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:20,790 - And the grant was only finalised yesterday. - Almost no increase for the National Theatre. 25 00:02:20,956 --> 00:02:25,268 Its managing director will make a speech introducing me at the dinner. 26 00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:28,826 - Yes. - Snide remarks, sarcastic jokes. 27 00:02:28,996 --> 00:02:32,386 Attacking me for my meanness. The philistine at No.10. 28 00:02:32,556 --> 00:02:35,787 Live in front of 12 million people. 29 00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:38,186 Yes, but Bill didn't know. 30 00:02:38,356 --> 00:02:43,430 What about when I speak? A hostile audience. Do you think there'll be boos? 31 00:02:43,596 --> 00:02:46,588 Bound to be and we don't have to pay for it. 32 00:02:46,756 --> 00:02:49,907 Not booze, Bernard, I mean boos. Boo! Ssss! 33 00:02:51,196 --> 00:02:56,634 Send the Arts Minister along instead, so they can all blame him. That's what junior ministers are for. 34 00:02:56,796 --> 00:03:01,267 I can see the headlines. "Jim chickens out. PM runs away from his critics." 35 00:03:01,436 --> 00:03:04,587 If there was a major crisis, you wouldn't need to go. 36 00:03:04,756 --> 00:03:08,954 - Is there a major crisis coming up? - Not really, Prime Minister. 37 00:03:09,116 --> 00:03:13,109 Is there a distant crisis that we could bring forward? 38 00:03:14,196 --> 00:03:17,347 What sort of crisis would justify cancellation? 39 00:03:17,516 --> 00:03:22,226 Pound plunges, small war in the South Atlantic, nuclear power station catches fire. 40 00:03:22,396 --> 00:03:25,354 I don't think any of those things would improve my image. 41 00:03:25,516 --> 00:03:30,271 It'd justify you staying away. I know! What about the death of a Cabinet colleague? 42 00:03:30,436 --> 00:03:34,349 Ooh. Is one imminent? 43 00:03:34,516 --> 00:03:38,907 Er, no, but that would justify your absence without damaging your image. 44 00:03:39,076 --> 00:03:43,433 We can hardly hope for that to fall on the right day. Well, not by accident. 45 00:03:45,716 --> 00:03:47,274 - I need help. - You do! 46 00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:51,349 - You do? - Got to make a speech. It could be embarrassing. 47 00:03:51,516 --> 00:03:57,546 Prime Minister, your speeches are nothing like as embarrassing as they used to be. In fact... 48 00:03:57,716 --> 00:04:01,709 - Not the speech, Humphrey, the occasion. - Ah, yes, indeed. Why? 49 00:04:01,876 --> 00:04:05,915 It's to be to a hostile audience of posturing, theatrical drunks. 50 00:04:06,076 --> 00:04:09,273 - The House of Commons, you mean? - No, Humphrey. 51 00:04:09,436 --> 00:04:14,464 The annual awards dinner of the British theatre. I'm to be their guest of honour. 52 00:04:14,636 --> 00:04:18,629 You're worried that they won't honour their guest in view of the small grant. 53 00:04:18,796 --> 00:04:22,391 It's difficult to influence the National Theatre's managing director. 54 00:04:22,556 --> 00:04:25,753 - I'm on the board of governors. - Are you indeed? 55 00:04:25,916 --> 00:04:29,704 Perhaps you can tell me, how do I make them feel that I'm one of them? 56 00:04:29,876 --> 00:04:34,267 Well, surely you don't want them to see you as a posturing, theatrical drunk. 57 00:04:34,436 --> 00:04:36,552 Perhaps they do already. 58 00:04:38,836 --> 00:04:41,396 It's on TV. I don't want a hostile reception. 59 00:04:41,556 --> 00:04:45,754 With respect, Prime Minister, if one is going to walk into the lion's den, 60 00:04:45,916 --> 00:04:48,510 one should not take away the lion's dinner. 61 00:04:48,676 --> 00:04:52,669 - So what's your advice? - Give them more dinner. 62 00:04:52,836 --> 00:04:56,306 Increase the grant to the Arts Council. Only two million or so. 63 00:04:56,476 --> 00:05:00,754 - It'd make it a fairly expensive dinner. - Well, it is the Grosvenor. 64 00:05:00,916 --> 00:05:05,512 As a governor of that subversive body, you have a vested interest, don't you? 65 00:05:05,676 --> 00:05:08,144 - In fact, a conflict of interests. - How so? 66 00:05:08,316 --> 00:05:13,515 That bloody place puts on plays attacking me. They set "The Comedy of Errors" in No.10. 67 00:05:13,676 --> 00:05:17,669 - Oh, Prime... - Don't deny it. I know who they were getting at. 68 00:05:17,836 --> 00:05:20,794 And a play attacked my nuclear policy. A farce. 69 00:05:20,956 --> 00:05:23,675 - The policy? - No, Humphrey, the play. 70 00:05:24,676 --> 00:05:28,271 - Why do they do it? - Well, it's very healthy, Prime Minister. 71 00:05:28,436 --> 00:05:30,028 - Healthy? - Yes. 72 00:05:30,196 --> 00:05:34,792 Practically nobody goes to political plays and half that do don't understand them, 73 00:05:34,956 --> 00:05:37,390 and half that understand them don't agree, 74 00:05:37,556 --> 00:05:41,595 and the seven left would've voted against the government anyway. 75 00:05:41,756 --> 00:05:43,951 It helps people let off steam 76 00:05:44,116 --> 00:05:48,507 and you are seen as a democratic statesman for subsidising your critics. 77 00:05:49,676 --> 00:05:52,031 People who want to criticise me should pay at the box office! 78 00:05:52,196 --> 00:05:55,393 Oh, Prime Minister, they'd never make enough money. 79 00:05:55,556 --> 00:06:00,471 Plays criticising the government make the second most boring evenings ever invented. 80 00:06:00,636 --> 00:06:03,275 They insult... What are the most boring? 81 00:06:03,436 --> 00:06:06,189 Plays praising the government. 82 00:06:06,356 --> 00:06:11,350 - They insult me and then expect more money? - Yes, it is a rather undignified posture. 83 00:06:11,516 --> 00:06:15,953 Artists always crawl towards the government on their knees, shaking their fists. 84 00:06:16,116 --> 00:06:19,825 - Beating me over the head with begging bowls. - Sorry to be pedantic. 85 00:06:19,996 --> 00:06:25,912 They can't beat you over the head if they're on their knees unless they've got very long arms. 86 00:06:26,076 --> 00:06:28,749 - Get off the floor. - Yes, I'm sorry. 87 00:06:28,916 --> 00:06:33,831 - There are no votes in giving money to the arts. - But terrible publicity if you take it away. 88 00:06:33,996 --> 00:06:38,228 The arts lobby is middle class. It's one of the few ways they get their tax back. 89 00:06:38,396 --> 00:06:42,992 Mortgage tax relief, university grants, lump-sum pensions, Radio 3, 90 00:06:43,156 --> 00:06:46,148 and subsidised seats at the theatre, opera and concerts. 91 00:06:46,316 --> 00:06:48,307 You can't begrudge it us. 92 00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:50,273 Them. 93 00:06:50,436 --> 00:06:55,749 People can spend their own money. Why should government money be spent on pleasure? 94 00:06:55,916 --> 00:07:00,512 Nobody could call it pleasure. The point is, we have a great heritage to support. 95 00:07:00,676 --> 00:07:05,875 Pictures no one wants to see, music no one wants to hear, plays no one wants to watch. 96 00:07:06,036 --> 00:07:10,632 You can't let them die just because nobody's interested. 97 00:07:10,796 --> 00:07:14,789 - Why not? - Well, it's a bit like the Church of England. 98 00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:19,347 People don't go to church, but they feel better because it's there. 99 00:07:19,516 --> 00:07:21,552 The arts are just the same. 100 00:07:21,716 --> 00:07:26,187 As long as they're going on, you can feel part of a civilised nation. 101 00:07:26,356 --> 00:07:29,348 There are no votes in the arts. Nobody's interested. 102 00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:33,225 Nobody's interested in the Social Science Research Council 103 00:07:33,396 --> 00:07:38,595 or the Dumping at Sea Representation Panel, but government still pays to support them. 104 00:07:38,756 --> 00:07:41,953 - They do some good. - They don't, Prime Minister. 105 00:07:42,116 --> 00:07:44,949 They hardly do anything at all. 106 00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:49,109 - Well, let's abolish them! - No, no, no, no! 107 00:07:49,276 --> 00:07:54,828 They are symbols. You don't fund them for doing work but to show what you approve of. 108 00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:59,592 Most government expenditure is symbolic. The Arts Council is a symbol. 109 00:07:59,756 --> 00:08:04,511 - You're getting off the point. - I'm sorry, Prime Minister. What was the point? 110 00:08:05,516 --> 00:08:07,711 What was the point, Bernard? 111 00:08:08,716 --> 00:08:11,105 Er, the point of what? 112 00:08:11,276 --> 00:08:16,191 Oh, how to stop the managing director of the National Theatre criticising you in his speech. 113 00:08:16,356 --> 00:08:18,950 I suggest you have a quiet word with him. 114 00:08:19,116 --> 00:08:23,268 Say the knighthood that usually goes with the job is within the gift of the PM. 115 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:26,314 He said he couldn't care less about a knighthood. 116 00:08:26,476 --> 00:08:31,106 Huh! Everybody says that about knighthoods until they're dangled in front of them. 117 00:08:32,316 --> 00:08:34,705 Don't they, Sir Humphrey? 118 00:08:38,556 --> 00:08:41,070 He talked about your putting on plays attacking him. 119 00:08:41,236 --> 00:08:44,546 Did you point out no one's ever submitted a play defending him? 120 00:08:44,716 --> 00:08:47,549 Well, I'm not sure that would've helped. 121 00:08:47,716 --> 00:08:51,709 What about next year's Arts Council grant? Will they get the extra 30 million? 122 00:08:51,876 --> 00:08:55,471 My dear Simon, I couldn't disclose the figure in advance, 123 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,434 least of all to the MD of the National Theatre. 124 00:09:02,436 --> 00:09:04,631 Have some of these. 125 00:09:15,916 --> 00:09:17,634 Excuse me. 126 00:09:17,796 --> 00:09:20,390 Only six? You're not serious? 127 00:09:20,556 --> 00:09:23,866 That's the new diet. Six breadsticks is the absolute maximum. 128 00:09:24,036 --> 00:09:26,869 Is that gross breadsticks or net breadsticks? 129 00:09:28,436 --> 00:09:31,587 - Net breadsticks. - So what'll we get at the National? 130 00:09:36,916 --> 00:09:39,111 - Only one? - Shh, shh, shh. 131 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:46,467 How can we manage on one and half million pounds? 132 00:09:46,636 --> 00:09:52,984 - I don't know where you got that figure from. - Look, you've got to help me. What can I do? 133 00:09:53,156 --> 00:09:58,753 You mean, if the grant figure, which of course we do not yet know, 134 00:09:58,916 --> 00:10:03,944 were to be not just less than you told the press was the absolute minimum to stave off disaster 135 00:10:04,116 --> 00:10:07,426 but lower than the REAL minimum required to stave off disaster? 136 00:10:07,596 --> 00:10:10,474 - Yes. - I can't help you, even though I'm on the board. 137 00:10:10,636 --> 00:10:15,835 Let me be quite clear about this, Simon. I am here to represent the PM's interests. 138 00:10:15,996 --> 00:10:19,193 There are certain things which would gravely upset him. 139 00:10:19,356 --> 00:10:23,110 I must urge you, on his behalf, not to contemplate them. 140 00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:26,066 Good. What are they? 141 00:10:26,236 --> 00:10:29,945 You'll be making the speech introducing him at the awards dinner. 142 00:10:30,116 --> 00:10:33,153 It would be a courtesy to send a draft to No.10 in advance. 143 00:10:33,316 --> 00:10:36,513 - For approval? - Well, let's say for information. 144 00:10:36,676 --> 00:10:39,474 Now, the Prime Minister is extremely anxious 145 00:10:39,636 --> 00:10:43,345 that the speech should not refer to the modesty of the grant increase. 146 00:10:43,516 --> 00:10:46,349 There are certain words he'd like you to avoid. 147 00:10:46,516 --> 00:10:49,349 Miserly... philistine... 148 00:10:50,796 --> 00:10:54,266 ...barbarism... skinflint... 149 00:10:55,356 --> 00:10:57,153 ...killjoy. 150 00:10:58,756 --> 00:11:03,466 He'd also like you to avoid all reference to how much more other countries spend on the arts. 151 00:11:03,636 --> 00:11:06,628 - What are the figures? - Here you are. 152 00:11:07,676 --> 00:11:10,395 To make sure you don't mention them by mistake. 153 00:11:11,356 --> 00:11:13,950 I certainly won't mention them by mistake. 154 00:11:14,116 --> 00:11:16,914 And thirdly, and most important of all, 155 00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:21,274 he wants no comparison between the extra money your theatre needs 156 00:11:21,436 --> 00:11:26,032 and certain sums that the government spent last year on certain projects. 157 00:11:26,196 --> 00:11:31,873 - Such as? - Well, let's say the figure were to be four million. 158 00:11:32,036 --> 00:11:34,345 Purely as an example, of course. 159 00:11:34,516 --> 00:11:37,713 The PM earnestly hopes that your speech 160 00:11:37,876 --> 00:11:42,074 will not refer to the fact that the government spent five million 161 00:11:42,236 --> 00:11:46,787 on radar equipment for a fighter plane that had already been scrapped. 162 00:11:48,316 --> 00:11:50,910 Or that the Department of Energy had been able 163 00:11:51,076 --> 00:11:56,389 to stockpile a thousand years' supply of filing tabs. 164 00:11:56,556 --> 00:12:02,074 Or that another department had stocked up with a million tins of Vim. 165 00:12:03,516 --> 00:12:05,711 Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. 166 00:12:05,876 --> 00:12:09,949 - Thank you very much. - Thank you so much. That was delicious. 167 00:12:11,596 --> 00:12:16,067 - He never even goes to the theatre, does he? - Well, he can't, really. 168 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:21,947 He's frightened of giving the cartoonists and gossip columnists too much ammunition. 169 00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:27,509 He couldn't go to "A Month In The Country" for fear of starting rumours about a general election. 170 00:12:27,676 --> 00:12:30,668 And he couldn't go to your production of "The Rivals" 171 00:12:30,836 --> 00:12:33,828 because so many ministers were after his job. 172 00:12:33,996 --> 00:12:36,794 He couldn't go to "The School For Scandal". 173 00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:40,346 Well, not after the Education Secretary 174 00:12:40,516 --> 00:12:45,192 had been found in bed with that married primary-school headmistress. 175 00:12:45,356 --> 00:12:48,951 - I see. - And then there was that play by Ibsen. 176 00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:51,914 - Oh, dear, what's it... - "The Master Builder"? 177 00:12:52,076 --> 00:12:53,873 Hardly. 178 00:12:54,036 --> 00:12:57,267 I was thinking of "An Enemy Of The People". 179 00:12:57,436 --> 00:12:59,427 Say no more. 180 00:13:04,716 --> 00:13:08,311 (ANNOUNCER) Sir William and Lady Langthorne. 181 00:13:08,476 --> 00:13:11,229 Mr and Mrs Simon Monk. 182 00:13:16,756 --> 00:13:18,747 - No, no, it's me. - Oh, sorry. 183 00:13:18,916 --> 00:13:21,510 - I think that's the lot. - We can stand down? 184 00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:24,474 - Yes, Mrs Hacker. - Thank goodness for that! 185 00:13:24,636 --> 00:13:29,232 Nice you're taking such trouble over theatre people, even though they're not important. 186 00:13:29,396 --> 00:13:32,194 - They're extremely important. - In what way? 187 00:13:32,356 --> 00:13:35,075 Showbiz people have a hotline to the media. 188 00:13:35,236 --> 00:13:38,945 If you're on "EastEnders", the press want your opinion on everything. 189 00:13:39,116 --> 00:13:42,108 - Why? - Editors like to sell their papers. 190 00:13:42,276 --> 00:13:46,315 Start an article with a picture of Dirty Den, everybody wants to read it. 191 00:13:46,476 --> 00:13:51,550 Start one with a picture of the Trade and Industry Secretary, nobody wants to read it. 192 00:13:51,716 --> 00:13:55,345 They all turn into supporters after a few glasses of warm sherry? 193 00:13:55,516 --> 00:14:00,306 Some do. That's why we dish out a couple of OBEs and a knighthood every New Year. 194 00:14:00,476 --> 00:14:05,630 Keeps them hoping. Stops them attacking the government the next time they're on "Wogan". 195 00:14:05,796 --> 00:14:10,790 Prime Minister, the Arts Minister's rather anxious to have a word with you. 196 00:14:10,956 --> 00:14:15,029 There's going to be trouble when they find out how small the grant is. 197 00:14:15,196 --> 00:14:18,313 We'll just have to brazen it out. Won't you? 198 00:14:19,916 --> 00:14:24,114 - I think we'll have to try to find a bit more. - We've been through all this. 199 00:14:24,276 --> 00:14:28,269 - The theatre brings in tourists. - Let the Tourist Board subsidise them. 200 00:14:28,436 --> 00:14:31,234 They say they've better ways of attracting them. 201 00:14:31,396 --> 00:14:35,947 We're subsidising bad ways of attracting tourists? No, we've spent enough on the arts. 202 00:14:36,116 --> 00:14:40,553 We'd have to spend it anyway. It's a concealed way of preserving old buildings. 203 00:14:40,716 --> 00:14:45,506 - How do you mean? - All these theatres, art galleries and museums 204 00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:49,749 are listed buildings we'd have to maintain, and they're totally useless. 205 00:14:49,916 --> 00:14:54,910 So we put in central heating and a caretaker to make it look as if we're preserving the arts. 206 00:14:55,076 --> 00:14:58,989 - Let's sell them. - We can't. They're ancient monuments. 207 00:14:59,156 --> 00:15:01,147 Hm, like the Cabinet. 208 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:04,312 Mind you, I'd sell THEM if I could. 209 00:15:04,476 --> 00:15:10,506 Isn't it better to wait until the figure is published? If I try to lobby him now, he won't say anything. 210 00:15:10,676 --> 00:15:13,065 But you want him to DO something. 211 00:15:13,236 --> 00:15:16,433 - But if I wait... - Then the figure will be published. 212 00:15:16,596 --> 00:15:21,192 Everyone will be committed to it and they'll have to stick with it to save face. 213 00:15:21,356 --> 00:15:25,907 To change government decisions, do it before anybody knows they're being made. 214 00:15:26,076 --> 00:15:30,911 - Isn't that rather difficult? - Yes. That's what the Civil Service is for. 215 00:15:31,076 --> 00:15:35,547 - To change government decisions? - Well, only the bad ones. 216 00:15:35,716 --> 00:15:37,513 That's most of them, of course. 217 00:15:38,476 --> 00:15:42,230 - Do you really believe in the British theatre? - Oh, yes, absolutely. 218 00:15:42,396 --> 00:15:46,514 - Why? - Well, it's one of the great glories of England. 219 00:15:46,676 --> 00:15:50,510 - You mean Shakespeare? - Shakespeare, yes, absolutely. 220 00:15:50,676 --> 00:15:53,474 - Who else? - Who... er... 221 00:15:53,636 --> 00:15:56,548 Well... there's Shakespeare, of course, 222 00:15:56,716 --> 00:16:00,914 and... er... Sheridan, Oscar Wilde, Bernard Shaw. 223 00:16:01,076 --> 00:16:06,025 - They were all Irish. - Well, Irish, English. Same thing then, wasn't it? 224 00:16:06,196 --> 00:16:09,586 - Bernard Shaw died in 1950. - Oh, I'm so sorry. 225 00:16:12,196 --> 00:16:16,747 - Do you go to the theatre a lot? - I'd love to, but you know how it is in my job. 226 00:16:18,036 --> 00:16:20,425 Shouldn't the PM go, if it's one of the great glories of England? 227 00:16:20,596 --> 00:16:24,384 - Well, the Arts Minister goes. Part of his job. - (MAN) Why? 228 00:16:24,556 --> 00:16:29,152 - The PM can't do everything. Have to delegate. - Going to the theatre is work? 229 00:16:29,316 --> 00:16:33,025 Well, wouldn't like to trespass on another minister's territory. 230 00:16:33,196 --> 00:16:36,666 You can't feel ill without clearing it with the Health Minister? 231 00:16:37,476 --> 00:16:39,273 Not exactly. 232 00:16:40,316 --> 00:16:44,867 - But what about when you were in opposition? - It was much the same. 233 00:16:45,036 --> 00:16:50,190 So when you say you believe in the theatre, it's like believing in God. You believe it exists. 234 00:16:50,356 --> 00:16:52,870 No, no, I'm a great supporter. 235 00:16:53,036 --> 00:16:55,834 What was the last play you went to? 236 00:16:55,996 --> 00:16:57,793 Last pl... er... 237 00:16:59,676 --> 00:17:02,270 - I think it'd be "Hamlet". - Whose? 238 00:17:03,476 --> 00:17:05,273 Shakespeare's. 239 00:17:07,636 --> 00:17:10,230 - Do you know who played Hamlet? - Oh... er... 240 00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:12,387 Henry Irving? 241 00:17:13,636 --> 00:17:18,346 - Er, Sir Humphrey, could I have a word? - Of course. Forgive me, Mrs Hacker. 242 00:17:19,356 --> 00:17:22,553 Sir Humphrey, I don't think the PM's enjoying himself. 243 00:17:22,716 --> 00:17:26,709 He's not supposed to. Cocktail parties at No.10 are just a gruesome duty. 244 00:17:26,876 --> 00:17:30,471 - People keep asking him questions. - He should be used to that. 245 00:17:30,636 --> 00:17:33,355 They weren't tabled in advance, so he isn't briefed. 246 00:17:33,516 --> 00:17:37,555 - He's not on the record. - Yes, but people will think he's a philistine. 247 00:17:37,716 --> 00:17:39,513 Good heavens! 248 00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:44,628 - I was wondering, should we go and rescue him? - All right, leave it to me. 249 00:17:44,796 --> 00:17:48,505 We'll do what we can, but there are many calls on the public purse. 250 00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:52,271 - Inner cities, hospitals, kidney machines. - Tanks. 251 00:17:52,436 --> 00:17:54,267 - Rockets. - H-bombs. 252 00:17:54,436 --> 00:17:58,634 We can't defend ourselves against the Russians with a performance of "Henry V". 253 00:17:58,796 --> 00:18:01,549 Prime Minister. I'm so sorry, ladies. 254 00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:06,225 - This isn't a drinks party, it's a siege. - I was about to suggest 255 00:18:06,396 --> 00:18:09,991 that you should talk to the National Theatre's managing director. 256 00:18:10,156 --> 00:18:12,351 - You want me to face another salvo? - No. 257 00:18:12,516 --> 00:18:16,111 I've tried to persuade him to make the right sort of speech. 258 00:18:16,276 --> 00:18:19,712 - Have you? Thank you very much. - Not at all. 259 00:18:19,876 --> 00:18:23,107 But you might have more success. Simon Monk. 260 00:18:23,276 --> 00:18:25,870 - Ah, Mr Monk. - Prime Minister. 261 00:18:26,036 --> 00:18:29,824 - So you're going to introduce me at this dinner? - That's right. 262 00:18:29,996 --> 00:18:32,988 Any idea what you're... going to say? 263 00:18:33,156 --> 00:18:37,115 Well... um... I suppose it depends, really. 264 00:18:37,276 --> 00:18:41,269 Yes, yes... On...? 265 00:18:41,436 --> 00:18:45,873 - On the size of the grant, I suppose. - Of course, that's still under discussion. 266 00:18:46,036 --> 00:18:49,233 Of course, but if it were to be generous, 267 00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:53,389 I could talk about the way this government has got its priorities right, 268 00:18:53,556 --> 00:18:56,434 believing in Britain's heritage, what it stands for. 269 00:18:56,596 --> 00:19:00,350 Terrific, terrific. Of course, if I can't... 270 00:19:00,516 --> 00:19:04,225 That is, if the Arts Minister can't cough up as much as you'd hoped. 271 00:19:04,396 --> 00:19:07,593 Ah, well, that would be... rather difficult. 272 00:19:07,756 --> 00:19:11,749 - You wouldn't want to make it political. - Not for myself, of course not. 273 00:19:11,916 --> 00:19:15,670 But my colleagues would expect me to voice their feelings. 274 00:19:15,836 --> 00:19:20,591 There are many calls on the public purse. Inner cities, hospitals, kidney machines. 275 00:19:20,756 --> 00:19:25,546 Yes. I thought perhaps the best way round it would be to make it funny. 276 00:19:25,716 --> 00:19:27,911 - Funny? - Yes. 277 00:19:28,076 --> 00:19:31,864 List ways the government spends the money it can't afford for the arts. 278 00:19:32,036 --> 00:19:35,233 Did you know that in one year one London borough 279 00:19:35,396 --> 00:19:40,186 spent �1 million on hotels for families when it had 4,000 empty council houses? 280 00:19:40,356 --> 00:19:42,824 Isn't that hilarious? 281 00:19:42,996 --> 00:19:47,592 - Of course, local government. - Yes, yes, but it is all government, isn't it? 282 00:19:47,756 --> 00:19:50,350 The taxpayer pays the Rate Support Grant. 283 00:19:50,516 --> 00:19:56,705 And did you know that another council spends �100 a week on a toenail-cutting administrator? 284 00:19:57,516 --> 00:20:03,910 One city was employing four gas-lamp lighters eight years after the last gas lamp was removed. 285 00:20:04,076 --> 00:20:05,794 That cost a quarter of a million. Should get a good laugh. 286 00:20:08,236 --> 00:20:11,433 Not to mention the council that spent �730 287 00:20:11,596 --> 00:20:14,508 having two square yards of shrubbery weeded. 288 00:20:14,676 --> 00:20:20,273 And the government office block scheduled for demolition two weeks before it was completed. 289 00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:25,749 That should go down rather well at the dinner and make jolly good TV, don't you agree? 290 00:20:25,916 --> 00:20:30,706 - So nice to meet you. - I just hope you realise, Prime Minister, 291 00:20:30,876 --> 00:20:35,074 that unless we get a substantial rise, the National Theatre will collapse 292 00:20:35,236 --> 00:20:38,626 and there'll be a huge empty building on the South Bank, 293 00:20:38,796 --> 00:20:42,755 a decaying monument to this government's barbarism. 294 00:20:46,676 --> 00:20:49,873 Where did he get those examples of government waste? 295 00:20:50,036 --> 00:20:52,425 I really can't imagine. 296 00:20:55,036 --> 00:20:57,914 - The National Theatre may call my bluff. - What is your bluff? 297 00:20:58,076 --> 00:21:01,273 - That I'm willing to risk their bluff. - What's their bluff? 298 00:21:01,436 --> 00:21:04,985 - Their bluff is they think I'm bluffing, whereas... - You are. 299 00:21:06,796 --> 00:21:08,946 I don't know now. 300 00:21:09,116 --> 00:21:13,428 - You mean you're playing blind man's bluff. - May I just clarify this? 301 00:21:13,596 --> 00:21:16,588 You think the National Theatre thinks you are bluffing. 302 00:21:16,756 --> 00:21:19,065 They think you think THEY are bluffing, 303 00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:23,070 whereas your bluff is to make them think you are bluffing when you're not. 304 00:21:23,236 --> 00:21:26,433 If you are, your bluff is to make them think you're not. 305 00:21:26,596 --> 00:21:31,670 Their bluff must be that they're bluffing because if they're not bluffing, they're not bluffing. 306 00:21:31,836 --> 00:21:35,749 Thank you, Bernard. An invaluable contribution. 307 00:21:35,916 --> 00:21:40,512 What is your policy? Will you risk their refusing to continue if you don't increase the grant? 308 00:21:40,676 --> 00:21:45,875 I shall just have to go on re-stating my policy, I think, until... until... 309 00:21:46,036 --> 00:21:48,869 Until you know what it is. 310 00:21:49,036 --> 00:21:52,028 Dorothy, you've got to help me. This is a hot potato. 311 00:21:52,196 --> 00:21:55,313 If I don't do anything, it could turn into a banana skin. 312 00:21:55,476 --> 00:21:59,264 - A hot potato can't become a banana skin. - What? 313 00:21:59,436 --> 00:22:03,224 If you don't do anything, a hot potato just becomes a cold potato. 314 00:22:03,396 --> 00:22:06,752 May I make a suggestion? I have a plan. 315 00:22:06,916 --> 00:22:09,510 - A plan? Yes, good. What? - Call their bluff. 316 00:22:09,676 --> 00:22:15,273 Sell the National Theatre building. It's a prime site. It's on the South Bank overlooking St Paul's. 317 00:22:15,436 --> 00:22:18,234 - Sell it? To whom? - To a property developer. 318 00:22:18,396 --> 00:22:23,265 - We'd get �30- or �40 million for it. - But we wouldn't have a National Theatre! 319 00:22:23,436 --> 00:22:27,145 We'd have sold the building, not the company. 320 00:22:27,316 --> 00:22:33,425 The National Theatre gets �7 million a year. Nearly half goes on the upkeep of the buildings. 321 00:22:33,596 --> 00:22:38,670 That could go into productions by all the subsidised companies all over the country. 322 00:22:38,836 --> 00:22:43,034 Monk said he didn't think they ought to have to spend their grant in that way. 323 00:22:43,196 --> 00:22:47,348 He said the theatre should be about plays, not about bricks and mortar. 324 00:22:47,516 --> 00:22:53,227 - Where would they put on their plays? - There are plenty of theatres all over the country. 325 00:22:53,396 --> 00:22:57,867 - They could rent them like any other producer. - Dorothy, this is brilliant! 326 00:22:58,036 --> 00:23:01,790 The theatre's about plays and actors, not maintaining buildings. 327 00:23:01,956 --> 00:23:04,914 And it'd make the company genuinely national. 328 00:23:05,076 --> 00:23:08,785 And we could give the �3 million to put on their productions. 329 00:23:08,956 --> 00:23:13,154 The government would still make a net profit of over �30 million! 330 00:23:13,316 --> 00:23:15,784 Nobody could call me a philistine then! 331 00:23:15,956 --> 00:23:18,595 Not unless they knew you. 332 00:23:21,916 --> 00:23:26,512 - Prime Minister, you remember Simon Monk? - Ah, Mr Monk, yes. 333 00:23:26,676 --> 00:23:30,874 - This is very bad news about the grant. - Surely not. It's gone up. 334 00:23:31,036 --> 00:23:34,824 - Nothing like enough. - Enough for it to be unnecessary for you to...? 335 00:23:34,996 --> 00:23:37,464 - I'm afraid not. - Oh. 336 00:23:37,636 --> 00:23:41,311 I was hoping to do something really significant next year. 337 00:23:41,476 --> 00:23:45,708 You said you had to spend nearly half your grant on upkeep. 338 00:23:45,876 --> 00:23:50,074 - I have a plan to relieve you of that. - Really? That would be marvellous. 339 00:23:50,236 --> 00:23:54,024 Wouldn't it? And it'd make the National Theatre really national. 340 00:23:54,196 --> 00:23:59,190 - What do you mean? - I'm thinking of selling the National Theatre. 341 00:23:59,356 --> 00:24:02,553 - Selling it? - I knew you'd be pleased. 342 00:24:03,476 --> 00:24:07,469 - That way we can save �3 million on upkeep. - This is impossible! 343 00:24:07,636 --> 00:24:10,628 No, it's easy. We've had a terrific offer for the site. 344 00:24:10,796 --> 00:24:13,993 - The National Theatre must have a base. - And it will. 345 00:24:14,156 --> 00:24:19,628 You could have inexpensive offices in Brixton or Toxteth... or Middlesbrough. 346 00:24:20,756 --> 00:24:23,475 What about the theatres, the workshops? 347 00:24:23,636 --> 00:24:29,791 You could hire them. Put on productions in the West End or the Old Vic or provincial theatres. 348 00:24:29,956 --> 00:24:32,265 Become strolling players again 349 00:24:32,436 --> 00:24:36,509 - instead of... civil servants. - But that would be disastrous! 350 00:24:36,676 --> 00:24:40,669 Surely not. Didn't you say the theatre wasn't about bricks and mortar? 351 00:24:40,836 --> 00:24:45,910 Yes, yes, but that was... Look, the National Theatre must have a home! 352 00:24:46,076 --> 00:24:49,273 And so it will. Lots of homes. 353 00:24:49,436 --> 00:24:53,031 All the subsidised theatres would be called national theatres. 354 00:24:53,196 --> 00:24:59,146 There'd be the National Theatre at Glasgow, at Sheffield, at Bristol, and so on. 355 00:24:59,316 --> 00:25:04,913 And that three million can help them all. You'd be the London branch of the National Theatre. 356 00:25:05,076 --> 00:25:08,751 - That'd be popular with the whole profession. - Barbarism! 357 00:25:08,916 --> 00:25:13,194 - Spending money on actors instead of buildings? - Yes. Well, no, no... 358 00:25:13,356 --> 00:25:16,553 - Um... - Anyway, it's just one of my options. 359 00:25:16,716 --> 00:25:19,913 I may decide against it... or I may not. 360 00:25:20,356 --> 00:25:24,668 I could outline it in my speech... if necessary. 361 00:25:26,916 --> 00:25:29,384 - It all depends. - On...? 362 00:25:31,036 --> 00:25:34,426 Have you decided what you'll say in your speech yet? 363 00:25:34,596 --> 00:25:36,393 Yes. 364 00:25:36,556 --> 00:25:40,026 Oh... er... well... not finally. 365 00:25:40,196 --> 00:25:44,986 I wondered if those jokes about government waste were really very funny. 366 00:25:45,156 --> 00:25:47,716 Of course, it's your decision. 367 00:25:47,876 --> 00:25:49,867 I'm sure you understand me. 368 00:25:53,196 --> 00:25:57,428 (GAVEL BANGED THREE TIMES) 369 00:25:58,436 --> 00:26:02,554 Mr Prime Minister, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, 370 00:26:02,716 --> 00:26:08,746 pray silence for Simon Monk, Esquire, the managing director of the National Theatre. 371 00:26:12,636 --> 00:26:16,026 Mr Prime Minster, my lords, ladies and gentlemen... 372 00:26:23,156 --> 00:26:27,946 You will have read of the grant for the Arts Council and the National Theatre. 373 00:26:28,116 --> 00:26:33,315 I know many of us are... disappointed by the amount. 374 00:26:35,716 --> 00:26:40,506 We'd have all liked it to have been larger, but this is a time of national stringency 375 00:26:40,676 --> 00:26:43,668 and we must think in terms of national needs. 376 00:26:43,836 --> 00:26:46,555 There are many calls on the public purse. 377 00:26:46,716 --> 00:26:52,632 Education, inner cities, health... kidney machines. 378 00:26:55,236 --> 00:27:00,435 We should be glad that any increase has been possible and grateful to our guest of honour 379 00:27:00,596 --> 00:27:05,989 whose personal intervention made even this small breadstick possible... er, increase. 380 00:27:09,276 --> 00:27:14,908 Ladies and gentlemen, to our guest of honour, the patron of the arts, the Prime Minister. 381 00:27:15,076 --> 00:27:20,548 - My lords, ladies and gentlemen, the toast is... - Excellent speech, don't you think, Humphrey? 382 00:27:20,716 --> 00:27:24,789 ...the patron of the arts, the Prime Minister. - Yes, Prime Minister. 383 00:27:24,956 --> 00:27:27,675 (ALL) The Prime Minister.