1
00:00:03,467 --> 00:00:05,567
(male narrator)
Tonight, on a
very special Clone High.

2
00:00:05,567 --> 00:00:08,467
(Abandoned Pools singing)
* Way, way back in the 1980s

3
00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:11,400
* Secret government employees

4
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:14,300
* Dug up famous
guys and ladies *

5
00:00:14,300 --> 00:00:17,333
* And made amusing
genetic copies *

6
00:00:17,333 --> 00:00:20,133
* Now the clones
are sexy teens now *

7
00:00:20,133 --> 00:00:22,967
* They're going to make it
if they try *

8
00:00:22,967 --> 00:00:25,967
* Loving, learning,
sharing, judging *

9
00:00:25,967 --> 00:00:32,200
* Time to laugh
and shiver and cry *

10
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,933
* Clone High

11
00:00:34,933 --> 00:00:40,633
* Clone High

12
00:00:40,633 --> 00:00:42,500
*

13
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:44,133
(Abe)
Gandhi, this year's
going to be different.

14
00:00:44,133 --> 00:00:46,800
I'm taller, I've got
slightly bigger sideburns.

15
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,300
I spent all summer on my
high fives and my finger snaps.

16
00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:50,600
[snaps fingers repeatedly]

17
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,700
I will finally have the
acceptance I so crave.

18
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:55,333
Joan of Arc!
Up top!

19
00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:57,367
Don't touch me, Gandhi.

20
00:00:57,367 --> 00:00:58,600
Too slow.
[snaps fingers]

21
00:00:58,600 --> 00:00:59,767
Welcome back, Joan.

22
00:00:59,767 --> 00:01:01,300
You got breasts.

23
00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:04,333
Geez, Abe,
you grew like, a foot.

24
00:01:04,333 --> 00:01:06,867
You grew like,
a pair of breasts.

25
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,067
Luckily the extra height
doesn't feel that awkward.

26
00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:10,600
[thud]

27
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:11,867
I'm up.

28
00:01:11,867 --> 00:01:13,800
I wish I'd seen you
more over the summer

29
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:15,333
but I was at camp.

30
00:01:15,333 --> 00:01:16,333
Was it breast camp?

31
00:01:16,333 --> 00:01:17,500
Okay, you get one more.

32
00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:21,233
Well, brand new year,
same old faces.

33
00:01:21,233 --> 00:01:23,333
Hiya, Kennedy.

34
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,367
I invaded her
Bay of Pigs,

35
00:01:25,367 --> 00:01:27,700
if you catch
my meaning.

36
00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:29,733
Oh, yeah,
steamed vegetables.

37
00:01:29,733 --> 00:01:30,967
What'd Mama
make for you?

38
00:01:30,967 --> 00:01:32,933
Nine fried peanut butter
banana sandwiches

39
00:01:32,933 --> 00:01:34,400
and a thermos
full of tranquilizers,

40
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,400
thank you very much.

41
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,233
[chugging]

42
00:01:37,233 --> 00:01:38,767
I have left
the building.

43
00:01:38,767 --> 00:01:39,867
Man, one of
the Elvis twins

44
00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:41,200
really
let himself go.

45
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,300
[scoffs]

46
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:43,967
Hasn't anyone here
grown at all?

47
00:01:46,300 --> 00:01:47,333
[grunts]

48
00:01:47,333 --> 00:01:48,367
You were
thinking it.

49
00:01:48,367 --> 00:01:49,367
(Gandhi)
I know.

50
00:01:49,367 --> 00:01:51,167
[bell ringing]

51
00:01:51,167 --> 00:01:52,733
You know, Abe,
I've been thinking.

52
00:01:52,733 --> 00:01:55,467
I'm going to date
a lot more this year.

53
00:01:55,467 --> 00:01:57,767
Uh, huh, yeah,
I wanna date Cleopatra.

54
00:01:57,767 --> 00:02:00,933
She's attractive, smart,
athletic, good-looking.

55
00:02:00,933 --> 00:02:02,600
She's hot, photogenic;

56
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,367
she takes pride
in her appearance.

57
00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:05,733
I guess what
I'm trying to say is

58
00:02:05,733 --> 00:02:08,933
I admire her commitment
to community service.

59
00:02:08,933 --> 00:02:11,067
You don't think dating an
old friend would be better?

60
00:02:11,067 --> 00:02:12,433
You know,
maybe someone that,

61
00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:14,067
you know,
you take for granted.

62
00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,400
No,
I like Cleo.

63
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,400
But Abe, think about it,
like an old friend, you know--

64
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,800
Nope, Cleo.

65
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,367
Only Cleo.

66
00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:23,633
Hi, Abe.

67
00:02:23,633 --> 00:02:25,133
[gasping]

68
00:02:25,133 --> 00:02:27,233
Are those
longer sideburns?

69
00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:30,667
[squeaking]
No idea.

70
00:02:33,633 --> 00:02:35,167
[glass shattering]

71
00:02:36,367 --> 00:02:38,633
Abe, I think
you're bleeding.

72
00:02:38,633 --> 00:02:40,533
[whispers]
Not now.

73
00:02:40,533 --> 00:02:41,767
Fine.

74
00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:43,667
I'll go wait
for you by the gauze.

75
00:02:43,667 --> 00:02:44,733
(Gandhi)
Cleopatra.

76
00:02:44,733 --> 00:02:46,600
Comin' at ya.
Ow!

77
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:47,600
Do I know you?

78
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:48,833
Gandhi.

79
00:02:48,833 --> 00:02:50,333
We had every class
together last year?

80
00:02:51,567 --> 00:02:53,067
I gave you
one of my kidneys.

81
00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:55,633
I miss him.

82
00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:57,667
I was your foster brother
for ten years

83
00:02:57,667 --> 00:02:58,967
until you
convinced our parents

84
00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:00,433
I wasn't good enough
for your image

85
00:03:00,433 --> 00:03:02,133
and you had me
transferred to another home.

86
00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:03,967
- Benji?
- Gandhi.

87
00:03:03,967 --> 00:03:05,833
Oh, that's so great
for you.

88
00:03:05,833 --> 00:03:06,900
Anyway, Abe,

89
00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:08,900
JFK's having
a party Friday.

90
00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:10,300
I hope I see you there.

91
00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:13,600
Hey, Cleo.

92
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,667
Why, yes,
these are longer sideburns.

93
00:03:16,667 --> 00:03:19,100
(Mr. Sheepman)
The first day of school's
always awkward.

94
00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:21,233
I just want you
to know I can relate.

95
00:03:21,233 --> 00:03:23,933
You see, I'm not just your
kindly history teacher.

96
00:03:23,933 --> 00:03:28,500
I'm also the first
mostly-human clone.

97
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,867
Spliced in
a little sheep DNA.

98
00:03:30,867 --> 00:03:32,967
Which is fine with me.

99
00:03:32,967 --> 00:03:35,067
You can't even tell,
Mr. Sheepman.

100
00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:36,967
[Mr. Sheepman chomping]
Thank you!

101
00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:38,200
Before you leave,

102
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,367
we have an announcement
from Miss of Arc.

103
00:03:41,367 --> 00:03:44,800
(Abe voice-over)
I admire her commitment
to community service.

104
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,733
Now, I know
I don't have to tell you

105
00:03:46,733 --> 00:03:49,700
how committed I am
to community service.

106
00:03:49,700 --> 00:03:52,133
That's why I'm starting
a teen crisis hotline

107
00:03:52,133 --> 00:03:54,433
and I'm looking
for volunteers.

108
00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,300
Dude, that's a
three-story drop.

109
00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:00,133
I don't care.
I'm going for it.

110
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,267
[thud]

111
00:04:02,267 --> 00:04:03,267
(Gandhi)
Oh, my god!

112
00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:04,933
I can see my bone!

113
00:04:04,933 --> 00:04:08,900
(Principal Scudworth)
Oh, young, unsuspecting clones.

114
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:12,333
Little do they know,
I control them.

115
00:04:12,333 --> 00:04:15,100
The greatest minds
the world has ever known.

116
00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:17,367
For what is more powerful

117
00:04:17,367 --> 00:04:20,167
than a high school
principal?

118
00:04:20,167 --> 00:04:21,500
- Dr. Scudworth.
- [yelps]

119
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:22,500
Sorry to disturb you,

120
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:23,633
but there's growing concern

121
00:04:23,633 --> 00:04:25,567
among the secret board
of shadowy figures

122
00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:28,067
that you may be
completely insane.

123
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:29,900
Blasphemy!

124
00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:37,700
Yeah, well,

125
00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:39,467
you do have a robot butler
named Mr. Butlertron.

126
00:04:39,467 --> 00:04:41,600
[monotone voice]
Anyone for scones?

127
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,467
Why, creating a mechanical
British servant

128
00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:45,800
is no more eccentric than
the tie you're wearing.

129
00:04:48,933 --> 00:04:50,933
(Mr. Butlertron)
More tea, Wesley?

130
00:04:50,933 --> 00:04:53,100
He calls everyone Wesley.

131
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,333
Don't know why.

132
00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:55,700
Yeah, that's fascinating.

133
00:04:55,700 --> 00:04:56,833
but we're paying you
to monitor these clones

134
00:04:56,833 --> 00:04:57,833
as closely as possible,

135
00:04:57,833 --> 00:04:59,067
so if you want to keep your job

136
00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:00,567
you can either
write a report proving

137
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:02,133
you know what it's like
to be a student at Clone High--

138
00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:03,133
I'll do no such thing.

139
00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:04,700
Or I'm to kill you.

140
00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:07,267
I'll title it "What it's like
to be a teen-aged clone

141
00:05:07,267 --> 00:05:09,933
colon, a rope of sand."

142
00:05:09,933 --> 00:05:11,267
(Mr. Butlertron)
Good title.

143
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,133
It draws the reader in
without giving too much away.

144
00:05:14,633 --> 00:05:16,200
Wesley.

145
00:05:17,633 --> 00:05:18,867
(JFK)
Lincoln,

146
00:05:18,867 --> 00:05:21,600
I've got dibs on
that Cleopatra broad,

147
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:23,533
so back off.

148
00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:26,200
She's numbers one
and two on my list

149
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,933
of 150 women
to bang this year.

150
00:05:30,267 --> 00:05:31,900
What you doing
in here, buddy?

151
00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:33,933
Making a
Lincoln log?

152
00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:36,067
Heyo!
What's up, Fitzy-baby?

153
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:38,133
Party at your place
on Friday, right?

154
00:05:38,133 --> 00:05:39,500
Rock it!

155
00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:43,333
Yeah, psyched for
the rager, JFK...dog.

156
00:05:43,333 --> 00:05:45,367
I will see you there.

157
00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:48,567
And by "will"
I mean "won't."

158
00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:49,667
[laughs]

159
00:05:51,633 --> 00:05:53,367
'Cause you're
not invited.

160
00:05:53,367 --> 00:05:56,333
I wasn't sure if
I was clear earlier.

161
00:05:56,333 --> 00:05:58,200
So, uh, you're not.

162
00:05:59,267 --> 00:06:00,300
Invited, that is.

163
00:06:03,067 --> 00:06:04,133
To my party.

164
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:08,700
Forgot to wash
my hands.

165
00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:20,400
(Abe)
I gotta get to that party.

166
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,067
(Gandhi)
Dude, we're never going
to get invited

167
00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:24,533
sitting here,
surrounded by geeks.

168
00:06:24,533 --> 00:06:26,567
They're not geeks,
Gandhi.

169
00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:29,200
They're just
delightfully eccentric.

170
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,500
Hello, cohort.

171
00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:33,267
It is I,
George Washington Carver,

172
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:34,567
and I spent my summer

173
00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:36,833
bioengineering this
anthropomorphic peanut.

174
00:06:36,833 --> 00:06:38,167
Hi-ho, guv'nors.

175
00:06:38,167 --> 00:06:40,333
I'd shake your hands,
but, you know,

176
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,267
peanut arms.

177
00:06:42,367 --> 00:06:43,467
All right,
they're geeks,

178
00:06:43,467 --> 00:06:44,833
but we have better
things to do

179
00:06:44,833 --> 00:06:46,767
than worry about who
or what we're seen with.

180
00:06:46,767 --> 00:06:48,067
No, Gandhi's right.

181
00:06:48,067 --> 00:06:49,800
This isn't about
who we hang out with.

182
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,900
This is about not having to put
your hand on your own buttock

183
00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:55,200
and pretend
it's a woman's breast.

184
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,700
All I'm saying is
a girl is interested in me,

185
00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:59,733
and I'm not going
to ignore it.

186
00:06:59,733 --> 00:07:00,833
Abe, I want you.

187
00:07:00,833 --> 00:07:02,333
You want me
to what?

188
00:07:02,333 --> 00:07:03,367
I, um--

189
00:07:03,367 --> 00:07:04,433
Forgot what you
were going to say.

190
00:07:04,433 --> 00:07:05,633
Happens to me all the time.

191
00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:06,700
Well, I'm off.

192
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:10,167
What?

193
00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:12,867
Kennedy, I have
a proposition for you.

194
00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:14,733
Mark my words,
Lincoln.

195
00:07:14,733 --> 00:07:18,467
You and your friends are, uh,
not coming to that party.

196
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:19,767
I'll get the beer.

197
00:07:19,767 --> 00:07:21,533
Be there at 8:00!

198
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,233
Shazam!

199
00:07:25,233 --> 00:07:26,467
We're in!

200
00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:28,533
Any ideas on how
to get the beer?

201
00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:29,467
Nope.

202
00:07:35,267 --> 00:07:38,267
(Eleanor Roosevelt)
It's time for the
Presidential Fitness Test

203
00:07:38,267 --> 00:07:42,267
where we make you even more
insecure about your bodies

204
00:07:42,267 --> 00:07:43,633
by touching you while you

205
00:07:43,633 --> 00:07:46,333
perform arbitrary
physical tasks.

206
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,067
Can't believe we got
Eleanor Roosevelt

207
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:49,433
as a gym teacher.

208
00:07:49,433 --> 00:07:50,433
Yeah,
he's great.

209
00:07:50,433 --> 00:07:51,867
You know, Abe,

210
00:07:51,867 --> 00:07:53,467
tonight I finally have
the night off from the hotline,

211
00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:55,367
which is community service,

212
00:07:55,367 --> 00:07:57,567
so I was thinking we could,
like, you know,

213
00:07:57,567 --> 00:08:01,933
carpool to JFK's party,
you know, just, save gas--

214
00:08:01,933 --> 00:08:04,067
You like talking,
of Arc?

215
00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:06,133
Well, you can talk
your tight little buns

216
00:08:06,133 --> 00:08:08,200
into Principal
Scudworth's office!

217
00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:12,700
Slowly.

218
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:15,300
Oh, yeah.

219
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:16,733
Hey, stud.

220
00:08:16,733 --> 00:08:19,500
I'm so glad you're getting
the beer tonight.

221
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:22,767
I just love
underage drinking.

222
00:08:22,767 --> 00:08:24,867
[stammers feebly]

223
00:08:26,633 --> 00:08:29,433
Okay, how the hell am
I going to get that beer?

224
00:08:29,433 --> 00:08:30,633
Easy.

225
00:08:30,633 --> 00:08:32,067
Tell them that
they heard you wrong.

226
00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:35,300
What you said was,
"I'll get the beards."

227
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:36,533
That makes
no sense.

228
00:08:36,533 --> 00:08:37,800
Yeah, but if you
think about it,

229
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,967
It would still be
a pretty sweet party.

230
00:08:40,967 --> 00:08:42,700
This is the best
party ever!

231
00:08:42,700 --> 00:08:43,800
Thanks, Gandhi!

232
00:08:48,533 --> 00:08:50,067
Okay, Ghengis Khan.

233
00:08:50,067 --> 00:08:52,167
When the clerk asks
if you're over 21,

234
00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:53,600
say yes, got it?

235
00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:56,867
You over 21?

236
00:08:58,567 --> 00:09:01,967
Okay, he used a very
tricky line of questioning.

237
00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:03,067
Let's practice again.

238
00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:05,067
Are you over 21?

239
00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:07,667
Yes.

240
00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:09,133
You over 21?

241
00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,067
No.

242
00:09:12,567 --> 00:09:14,100
So I guess
you're 21.

243
00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:15,533
I am 21.

244
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:21,400
I'm not 21!

245
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:24,667
(Principal Scudworth)
Miss of Arc, I'll look at your
little gym-class disruption

246
00:09:24,667 --> 00:09:26,333
if you help me with
a report I'm writing.

247
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:29,333
Tell me your
likes and dislikes.

248
00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:32,133
Well, I dislike
being tied to a chair.

249
00:09:32,133 --> 00:09:33,433
Good!

250
00:09:33,433 --> 00:09:35,400
I'll use a big font,
futz with the margins,

251
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,667
and I'll be home
in time for Jay Lee-no.

252
00:09:37,667 --> 00:09:38,667
[scoffs]

253
00:09:38,667 --> 00:09:40,100
You would
like Leno.

254
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,200
How dare you insult
that big-chinned everyman

255
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,500
and his various
African-American bandleaders?

256
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:45,933
Perhaps you'll
learn some respect

257
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:49,067
spending the rest of the
afternoon in my death-maze!

258
00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:52,233
[maniacal laughter]

259
00:09:52,233 --> 00:09:54,067
Oh, this is useless.

260
00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,533
I need to observe
the teenagers in their element.

261
00:09:56,533 --> 00:09:59,667
I will be Dian Fossey,
and they the gorillas.

262
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:02,467
But where can I find the mist?

263
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:05,367
(JFK over P.A.)
Attention, students.

264
00:10:05,367 --> 00:10:09,033
JFK will be having
a huge kegger tonight.

265
00:10:09,033 --> 00:10:10,667
Students only!

266
00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:11,600
That is all.

267
00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:17,633
You seem to have
this compulsion to nail Cleo

268
00:10:17,633 --> 00:10:19,433
What do you think
drives this desire

269
00:10:19,433 --> 00:10:21,267
to act overly macho?

270
00:10:21,267 --> 00:10:23,800
Well, it's my
foster parents.

271
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,533
You know that show
My Two Dads?

272
00:10:26,533 --> 00:10:29,200
It's like that
but more gay.

273
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,700
Mm, look how nice
he looks

274
00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:32,100
in the Dockers
we bought him.

275
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:33,433
Dad!

276
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:34,833
What,
you're too good

277
00:10:34,833 --> 00:10:36,900
to be gay
like your old man?

278
00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:39,767
Carl, it is not
his fault.

279
00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:40,967
Baby was born
that way.

280
00:10:42,133 --> 00:10:43,800
[thud]

281
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,300
Death-maze, huh?

282
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:48,133
Oh, I was in
the maze once.

283
00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:50,133
It was hot.

284
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:51,633
You know, I'm hot now.

285
00:10:51,633 --> 00:10:53,033
Think I'll take my shirt off.

286
00:10:53,033 --> 00:10:54,200
[clippers buzzing]

287
00:10:55,467 --> 00:10:56,500
Ah.

288
00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:58,367
Ready for the weekend!

289
00:10:58,367 --> 00:11:00,433
Gandhi, I think
it's really big of you

290
00:11:00,433 --> 00:11:03,100
to skip the party and work
the hotline tonight.

291
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:05,800
Of course.

292
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,567
Sure, I buckled
under the pressure

293
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:09,167
of living up to
the original Gandhi

294
00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:11,867
and became a
nonstop party machine.

295
00:11:11,867 --> 00:11:13,933
But--damn it.

296
00:11:13,933 --> 00:11:14,967
I still care.

297
00:11:16,233 --> 00:11:18,700
So, Joan,

298
00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:20,233
you can count on me.

299
00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:23,100
No, I'm not at a party.

300
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,333
We're just really busy
here at the teen hotline!

301
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:26,600
Whoo!

302
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,333
Suzy, Kelly,
do me a favor and make out!

303
00:11:29,333 --> 00:11:31,067
[laughs]

304
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:33,533
So you're depressed?

305
00:11:33,533 --> 00:11:35,733
Hey, everybody!
It's me, Abe!

306
00:11:35,733 --> 00:11:37,500
[all grumbling]

307
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:39,600
Hey, everybody!
It's a keg of beer!

308
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,733
(all)
Abe!

309
00:11:41,733 --> 00:11:43,733
Hey, I thought you had
to work the hotline tonight.

310
00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:46,767
No, man, I just forwarded
the calls to my cell phone.

311
00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:50,800
Look, I'll talk to you
when you can stop crying.

312
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,433
And you're not afraid
of Joan catching

313
00:11:52,433 --> 00:11:54,100
and ultimately killing you?

314
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:57,267
Oh, I'm so scared!

315
00:11:57,267 --> 00:12:00,433
I think I'll just jump off
this balcony in case she--

316
00:12:00,433 --> 00:12:01,433
Oh, my god!

317
00:12:01,433 --> 00:12:02,367
[quietly]
Yipe.

318
00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:04,700
[thud]
- Whoo!

319
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:06,200
Congratulations, Abe.

320
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,533
The people were clamoring
to make asses of themselves,

321
00:12:08,533 --> 00:12:10,333
and you gave them
a means to do it.

322
00:12:10,333 --> 00:12:11,533
Not exactly.

323
00:12:11,533 --> 00:12:12,833
I--
[sighs]

324
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:15,433
I could only get
nonalcoholic beer.

325
00:12:15,433 --> 00:12:17,300
They're going
to be able to tell.

326
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:18,333
[humming]

327
00:12:18,333 --> 00:12:19,333
I'm a pony!

328
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:21,267
You'll be fine.

329
00:12:21,267 --> 00:12:23,567
Joan, have you ever liked
someone so much you're afraid

330
00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:25,967
you're gonna blurt out
something stupid?

331
00:12:25,967 --> 00:12:26,900
I have a rash
on my back.

332
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,933
(Mr. Butlertron)
Are you sure this is
the best way to do research?

333
00:12:31,933 --> 00:12:33,833
Won't they be able
to tell we're not students?

334
00:12:33,833 --> 00:12:37,067
You underestimate me,
my metal friend.

335
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:39,600
Wassup, fellow students!

336
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:43,233
Raise the roof!
Raise it!

337
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,900
Where are my bitches?

338
00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,167
Sometimes, I just

339
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:53,667
turn the lights off
in my room and cry.

340
00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:56,900
(Gandhi on phone)
I'm sorry, van Gogh,
could you speak up?

341
00:12:56,900 --> 00:13:00,433
(van Gogh on phone)
The only way I can cling
to my sanity

342
00:13:00,433 --> 00:13:03,933
is that nobody knows
how lonely I truly am.

343
00:13:03,933 --> 00:13:04,933
[stifles laugh]

344
00:13:04,933 --> 00:13:06,100
He's sad!

345
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:07,800
- It's hilarious.
[laughter]

346
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,300
(van Gogh on phone)
Wait.
Am I on speakerphone?

347
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:13,133
Hey, would Gandhi
put somebody on speakerphone?

348
00:13:13,133 --> 00:13:14,367
(crowd)
No!

349
00:13:14,367 --> 00:13:16,767
This is Gandhi?
How could you?

350
00:13:16,767 --> 00:13:22,167
Hey, man, Gandhi's
anti-violence, not anti-comedy.

351
00:13:22,167 --> 00:13:23,267
Whew.

352
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:24,433
Feels good
to help people.

353
00:13:24,433 --> 00:13:27,367
[distant music]

354
00:13:28,700 --> 00:13:30,700
Want to talk
about it?

355
00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:32,633
You wouldn't understand.

356
00:13:32,633 --> 00:13:37,067
Maybe you should tell Abe
how you really feel.

357
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:38,067
[scoffs]

358
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,067
What good
would that do?

359
00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:42,733
Maybe he just thinks you
don't think he doesn't want

360
00:13:42,733 --> 00:13:45,133
to not ruin
the friendship.

361
00:13:45,133 --> 00:13:47,500
You make it sound
so simple.

362
00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:50,867
Maybe one of us just needs
to make the first move.

363
00:13:50,867 --> 00:13:55,200
Maybe that one of us is you.

364
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,467
Thanks, Mr. B.

365
00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,867
I love you.

366
00:13:59,867 --> 00:14:01,700
Don't mention it.

367
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:05,767
Wesley.

368
00:14:05,767 --> 00:14:09,500
You know, Abe, maybe
its the beer talking.

369
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:10,900
I doubt it.

370
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:14,567
It's just, I always
saw you as this honest guy,

371
00:14:14,567 --> 00:14:16,967
but now I'm seeing you
as a cool guy

372
00:14:16,967 --> 00:14:19,167
who just happens
to be honest.

373
00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:21,700
Doesn't that
blow your mind?

374
00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:24,500
That's me.
Cool, honest Abe.

375
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:27,633
Oh, Abe, it's like
there's a tin can phone

376
00:14:27,633 --> 00:14:30,400
from your brain
to my heart.

377
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,800
(man singing)
* No regrets tonight you don't
care will someone be there *

378
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,500
* To catch you when you fall

379
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,800
[gasps]

380
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,533
[both smooching]

381
00:14:38,533 --> 00:14:41,867
(man singing)
* Since you left,
I can't recall *

382
00:14:41,867 --> 00:14:44,067
* Feeling so incomplete

383
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:46,900
That no-good,
cheating tramp!

384
00:14:46,900 --> 00:14:48,633
Hey, get off my dinghy!

385
00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:50,900
Not you.

386
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:59,533
What do you think
you are, uh, doing?

387
00:14:59,533 --> 00:15:01,533
Look, Kennedy,
we kissed.

388
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,933
I don't want to exaggerate
the importance of it,

389
00:15:03,933 --> 00:15:06,233
but we're going
to be together forever.

390
00:15:06,233 --> 00:15:08,433
Come on.
She's drunk.

391
00:15:08,433 --> 00:15:10,833
She also kissed
a talking peanut.

392
00:15:10,833 --> 00:15:13,633
Right here
on me left nut!

393
00:15:13,633 --> 00:15:15,900
So who's it
gonna be?

394
00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:18,100
Cleo, I care
about you.

395
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,600
Every moment
we spend together

396
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,367
makes me want to
know you more.

397
00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:22,967
My abs
are so firm

398
00:15:22,967 --> 00:15:25,600
you can
grate cheese on 'em!

399
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,600
It's so hard
to choose.

400
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,833
I need some time
to be alone.

401
00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:33,300
Nacho?

402
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,600
Oh, man,
that does suck.

403
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:36,600
If that were me,

404
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,567
I would probably
kill myself.

405
00:15:38,567 --> 00:15:40,100
Hello?

406
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,467
Hey, Joan,
cool stun gun!

407
00:15:44,467 --> 00:15:45,800
Wait, I can explain!
Ow!

408
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,133
I forwarded--ooh!

409
00:15:47,133 --> 00:15:48,767
Egg whites only, please.

410
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:50,900
Teen crisis hotline.
We're here because we care.

411
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:52,633
[screams]

412
00:15:52,633 --> 00:15:53,633
[smacks]

413
00:15:53,633 --> 00:15:55,067
Not a piñata!

414
00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:57,800
It's me,
your memorable school chum,

415
00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:00,467
Cloney McStudent.

416
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:01,533
Piñata!

417
00:16:01,533 --> 00:16:03,800
Uh-huh.

418
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:04,967
Well,
choosing between

419
00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:06,533
a jerk who's
good for your image

420
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:08,067
and a nice,
sensitive guy

421
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:10,667
is not really
much of a problem.

422
00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:11,700
What should I do?

423
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:12,700
[gasps]

424
00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:13,833
Go for the jerk.

425
00:16:13,833 --> 00:16:15,167
Ooh, and sleep with him
right away.

426
00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:17,100
It's never to early
for your first time!

427
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:18,567
Oh, and also,
don't floss your teeth.

428
00:16:18,567 --> 00:16:19,867
Hmm.

429
00:16:19,867 --> 00:16:22,233
You do have to make sacrifices
to be the best.

430
00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:26,300
[sighs]
Damn it.

431
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:27,600
You know what?

432
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:30,367
Go with the nicer guy.

433
00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:33,667
And flossing keeps gums
healthy and removes plaque

434
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:36,067
from hard-to-brush areas.

435
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:38,300
Whoo!

436
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:40,833
Did you just
screw yourself.

437
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,667
Whoo!

438
00:16:42,667 --> 00:16:44,433
You know, even if these pants
do fall off,

439
00:16:44,433 --> 00:16:45,867
I'm still wearing boxers.

440
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:52,067
Ah, good thing there was
no one around to see that.

441
00:16:54,133 --> 00:16:55,600
Oh, yes.

442
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,367
No one, indeed.

443
00:16:58,733 --> 00:17:01,667
After consulting a random person
on the telephone,

444
00:17:01,667 --> 00:17:03,167
I've come
to a decision.

445
00:17:03,167 --> 00:17:04,167
I choose you.

446
00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:05,233
Doink.
[grunts]

447
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:06,500
Great.

448
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,700
Abe?

449
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:10,433
[squeaks]
Happy.

450
00:17:10,433 --> 00:17:11,533
Sorry, my dear boy.

451
00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:13,133
Salty seconds!

452
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,500
[laughs]

453
00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:16,833
Want a beer?

454
00:17:16,833 --> 00:17:18,100
Sure.

455
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,467
Maybe pretending to be drunk
will ease the pain.

456
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:26,100
So are you drunk enough yet
to sleep with me?

457
00:17:27,767 --> 00:17:29,067
[smacks]
- [whimpers] Bobby.

458
00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:32,567
Answer the question!

459
00:17:32,567 --> 00:17:34,167
[siren blaring]

460
00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:35,867
[screaming]

461
00:17:39,733 --> 00:17:41,133
Well, well, well.

462
00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:45,500
If it isn't my old friend,
underage drinking.

463
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:47,567
So we meet again.

464
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:50,900
How are you,
underage drinking?

465
00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:52,767
Besides illegal.

466
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,767
Underage drinking?

467
00:17:54,767 --> 00:17:55,700
Shame on all of you.

468
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,967
Shame!

469
00:18:00,967 --> 00:18:02,800
Back to you, Kojak!

470
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,067
This kid's not sober,
is he?

471
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:07,700
And none of you are 21,
are you?

472
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:11,067
And these pot stickers aren't
made with real crab, are they?

473
00:18:13,267 --> 00:18:15,933
I stand corrected.

474
00:18:15,933 --> 00:18:19,600
You. You're holding a beer.
Get in, get in here!

475
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:23,100
Well, that's two, which is all
we can fit in the squad car.

476
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:24,633
The rest of you
are free to go.

477
00:18:24,633 --> 00:18:27,200
Come on, Abe,
leave your friends behind

478
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,933
and come back to my
soundproof basement.

479
00:18:29,933 --> 00:18:36,400
(man singing)
* Since you left I can't recall
feeling so incomplete *

480
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:40,167
*

481
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:43,267
Let them go.

482
00:18:43,267 --> 00:18:45,600
Son, if we don't enforce
the drinking age

483
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,567
the excitement of
sneaking around to get wasted

484
00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:50,967
might disappear forever.

485
00:18:50,967 --> 00:18:53,367
Do you want that
on your shoulders, pal?

486
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:56,867
It's nonalcoholic beer.

487
00:18:56,867 --> 00:18:58,233
[crowd gasps]

488
00:18:58,233 --> 00:18:59,867
(Gandhi)
I knew it!

489
00:18:59,867 --> 00:19:03,667
I guess I was just looking
for what all of us are--

490
00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:04,833
acceptance.

491
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:08,600
[coughs]
Loser!

492
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:12,533
[laughter]

493
00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:14,667
I am so funny!
[laughs]

494
00:19:21,067 --> 00:19:22,233
(shadowy figure)
Where's my report?

495
00:19:22,233 --> 00:19:23,400
[yelps]

496
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,433
(Principal Scudworth)
Shadowy figure!

497
00:19:24,433 --> 00:19:26,367
It's actually a funny story.

498
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:27,600
I was working on it

499
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,833
and I tried to email it
to myself,

500
00:19:29,833 --> 00:19:31,200
but then my roommate--

501
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,967
That is a funny story.

502
00:19:32,967 --> 00:19:35,733
Mr. Butlertron, lower the shades
and lay down a tarp.

503
00:19:35,733 --> 00:19:37,100
Okay!

504
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:39,867
I spent the entire weekend
among the teenagers!

505
00:19:39,867 --> 00:19:43,833
I was humiliated,
degraded, judged.

506
00:19:43,833 --> 00:19:46,300
I felt so alone.

507
00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:49,067
Where'd he go?

508
00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:51,367
I guess you proved to him
you understand

509
00:19:51,367 --> 00:19:54,267
what it feels like
to be a teenager.

510
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:56,100
And a piñata.

511
00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:58,800
(Principal Scudworth)
Well, from now on,
I'll be more sensitive

512
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:03,500
to the awkwardness and emotional
insecurity of today's youth.

513
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:05,167
Out of my way, fatty.

514
00:20:05,167 --> 00:20:06,400
You too, bad skin.

515
00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:10,133
Well, I'm not going
to let this get me down.

516
00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:11,733
[thud]

517
00:20:11,733 --> 00:20:13,333
I'm up!

518
00:20:13,333 --> 00:20:15,167
Look, right now
you're a loser.

519
00:20:15,167 --> 00:20:16,300
A big one.

520
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,867
But soon someone else
will make

521
00:20:17,867 --> 00:20:20,233
an even bigger ass of themselves
and everyone else will forget

522
00:20:20,233 --> 00:20:22,033
about what a big, big, big
loser you are.

523
00:20:22,033 --> 00:20:25,167
[loud laughter]

524
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,433
Thanks, van Gogh!

525
00:20:29,433 --> 00:20:31,933
I hate this school.

526
00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:46,433
(announcer)
Next week, on a very special
Clone High...

527
00:20:46,433 --> 00:20:49,133
Abe's competition
with JFK heats up

528
00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:51,233
at the school election.

529
00:20:51,233 --> 00:20:54,333
Gandhi provides some sort
of comic relief.

530
00:20:54,333 --> 00:20:56,700
And special guest star
Marilyn Manson

531
00:20:56,700 --> 00:20:58,867
makes a shocking confession.

532
00:20:58,867 --> 00:21:02,533
My name is Marilyn Manson,
and I'll see you next time

533
00:21:02,533 --> 00:21:04,100
at Clone High.

534
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:07,067
(Abandoned Pools singing)
* Way, way back in the 1980s

535
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:09,933
* Secret government employees

536
00:21:09,933 --> 00:21:12,833
* Dug up famous
guys and ladies *

537
00:21:12,833 --> 00:21:15,867
* And made amusing
genetic copies *

538
00:21:15,867 --> 00:21:18,667
* Now the clones
are sexy teens now *

539
00:21:18,667 --> 00:21:21,500
* They're going to make it
if they try *

540
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:24,500
* Loving, learning,
sharing, judging *

541
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:30,733
* Time to laugh
and shiver and cry *

542
00:21:30,733 --> 00:21:33,533
* Clone High