1 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:20,500 Ripped By mstoll 2 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,279 Look, I'm sorry. 3 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,356 'Do you people get kicks out of this sort of thing? ' 4 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:30,438 - If you could give me the details of... - 'You skin us alive with your fare increases, 5 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:32,357 then you try to make a laughing stock out of us.' 6 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:34,152 Yes, look, I am sorry, but... 7 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:37,556 'I practically remortgaged the house to pay for the fare and then, halfway through the journey, 8 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:40,035 I found out there was a special offer.' 9 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:42,071 - If you could let me know... - Thanks for telling us! 10 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:45,909 'The other passengers were in hysterics when I told them how much I'd paid for my ticket. 11 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:49,794 There was this bloke in first class, stuffing himself with champagne and smoked salmon, 12 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:53,549 who'd paid nothing, and his kids and his wife had come free.' 13 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:57,798 - I can only help you if... - 'Special offer? Ha! I spit on special offer! ' 14 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,559 Please, sir, if you could just tell me where and when you were travelling, 15 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:03,638 - I promise that I will look into this. - 'Singapore, March 13th.' 16 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,471 - Singapore? - 'Yes.' 17 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:14,751 This is... this is Passenger Relations, British Rail. 18 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,235 'You're not British Airways? ' 19 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,229 No. 20 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:24,557 'Then why the bloody hell have you been wasting my time?! ' 21 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:30,955 Looking forward to this afternoon, Colin? 22 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,548 Yeah, well, it'll be nice to get out, Mr Travers, yeah. 23 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,274 Yes. Eurotunnel is upon us at last. 24 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,994 The English press will be there and the French, 25 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,953 celebrities, a six-course meal. 26 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,390 It should be quite a bash. You know how to get to the Waldorf from here? 27 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,556 Yeah, well, actually I've got a taxi coming in five minutes. 28 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,592 There's nothing much to these marketing dos, Colin. Just show your face. 29 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,915 Spread a bit of entente cordiale and get stuck into the food. 30 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,349 Main thing is to enjoy yourself. 31 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:58,199 - Yes, thanks, Mr Travers. - Right. Good lad. 32 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:03,438 Yeah, Old Watkins let off the leash for once, eh? Yes, makes a change. 33 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,599 Nah, shouldn't be much to it really. Yeah, grab a couple of canap�s. 34 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:11,315 Slurp a bit of vino, throw up over a couple of diplomats and, if I'm asked, 35 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:14,671 say that wild horses wouldn't drag me down to that death-trap. Yes. 36 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,156 By the way, where's Graham, Colin? 37 00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:20,748 Erm, well, he's, erm, he's not actually back yet. 38 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,997 - He's been out since half past ten. - Yes... 39 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:28,875 Colin, I don't mind a bit of give and take in this office, but I do resent being taken for a ride. 40 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,911 I mean, it's happening all the time now. 41 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:35,158 If Graham thinks he can absent himself for hours on end, then he's mistaken. 42 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,352 He's going to get an official caution. First and last. 43 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,436 Yes. Well, if you think so. 44 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,120 Oh, yes. He'll be told as soon as he gets back. 45 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:48,109 Now, I was just thinking, Colin, you know this thing at the Waldorf you're going to? 46 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,674 - Yes. - What if you don't go? 47 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,911 - Sorry? - That way you'd be free to speak to Graham. 48 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,793 - Me? - Who else, Colin? You are the supervisor. 49 00:02:57,920 --> 00:02:59,239 - Yes, but... - I know, I know... 50 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,830 you're worried about missing the Eurotunnel launch, aren't you? Yes. 51 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,554 Well, I tell you what, Colin, erm... Oh! 52 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:10,196 It'll mean me having to juggle things about a bit, but... All right, I'll go. 53 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,788 It's OK, don't worry. 54 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:15,275 Just let me know how you get on with Graham. 55 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,434 Yeah! 56 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,551 Oi, Col, what's going on? 57 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,717 I just saw Travers on the way out and he said you were going to give me a caution. 58 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,114 - Erm... - Is that true? 59 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,993 Look, it's no skin off my nose you going for these job interviews, 60 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,156 - but you know what Travers is like... - Let me get this straight. 61 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:40,478 You, Colin Watkins, who's sat opposite me for four years, who's gone down the pub with me, 62 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:45,071 who's had a laugh with us, read my paper and all that, you are now giving me a caution? 63 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,589 - Well, I... - Well, don't worry about it, Col. 64 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:51,315 It doesn't matter, anyway. I did go for an interview today and with any luck, 65 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,670 I'll be shot of this place soon. 66 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:58,308 Yeah, I'll be me own boss, have my own car, roam around the country. 67 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,989 Not stuck here in this rat hole. I'll have an expense account. 68 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:05,317 I won't be fumbling around for my luncheon vouchers. 69 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:08,352 You want to watch it, Col. How long have you been here? 70 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,630 Ages. Do you know what you are? 71 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:12,637 - What? - An old desk. 72 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:16,958 You're part of the furniture - battered, chipped, dependable. 73 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,316 Somewhere people can put their arses wherever they like. 74 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,391 Oh, yes, it's so easy, isn't it? 75 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,956 Loads of nice jobs just hanging around, falling off trees. 76 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,317 Let's have a look. 77 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,191 "Creative and Media". 78 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,435 "Very Competitive" page. 79 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:50,238 "The Very Competitive Indeed" page. 80 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:53,840 The "Let's Face lt, You Haven't Got a Monkey's" section. 81 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,950 Oh, yes, here we are... 82 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:02,039 "Vacancies Already Filled But Advertised Anyway To Wind The Punters Up" supplement. 83 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,958 Oh, what's the use? There's no way out. 84 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,157 I'll be in that job till the day I die, I know it. 85 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:20,430 I'll retire, they'll give me a whisky decanter. 86 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,474 I'll die of hypothermia the following year. 87 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,557 And that's it. Colin Watkins' brief candle. 88 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,952 "Dear Colin, we're pleased to tell you that your story Out of Commission 89 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:37,152 has been accepted for inclusion in next year's Langley Book of Horror, 90 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,589 which is scheduled to be published at the end of January. 91 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:43,759 Further details of contract will follow shortly. All best wishes, John Langley." 92 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:55,957 Jen! Jen! Jen, I've done it. It's in! The story's made it. 93 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,469 - 'You've heard from Langley? ' - Yeah, yeah. It's going in! 94 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:02,354 - The Langley Book of Horror. - 'Colin, I don't know what to say! It's brilliant! ' 95 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,436 Yeah, now get over here. We're going to celebrate. 96 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,676 'I can't. I've got that clients' dinner I told you about.' 97 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,189 - What? You, you... - 'They've flown in from Belgium specially.' 98 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,515 Well, cancel it! 99 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,200 Nothing like this has ever happened to me in my life before. 100 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,629 We are going to celebrate tonight! 101 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,595 - You do want champagne, don't you? - Yes. 102 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:21,789 Great. 103 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,949 I mean, the lobsters will freeze, if you prefer to pop out for a kebab or something. 104 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:30,993 - I don't want kebabs. - Neither do I. Just checking. 105 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:32,314 Right! 106 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,560 Right. On with the celebration. 107 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,639 Yeah, let's get that boat and really push it out for once, eh? 108 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,069 There is a half bottle of Riesling in the fridge, if you'd... 109 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,509 - Something's up. - No, there isn't. 110 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,676 - Yes, there is. - No, there isn't. 111 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,877 Colin, what? 112 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,115 What? 113 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,115 What? 114 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,071 You don't think we're jumping the gun, do you? 115 00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,350 - Why? - The book's not even out yet. 116 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,835 I can't help feeling all this celebration is tempting fate. 117 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,793 You're absolutely right. I mean, the moment you open that champagne, 118 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,754 John Langley's going to come stampeding through that door and call the whole thing off. 119 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:12,111 Look, I haven't come round to spend the whole evening staring at your miserable mush. 120 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:15,277 - Now open the bubbly! - You could be right, you know. 121 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:19,109 - About what? - About Langley changing his mind. 122 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:21,071 - Oh, don't be absurd! - Well... 123 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:24,112 I mean, you've got it here in writing, in black and white. 124 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:27,630 It's perfectly possible, you know. People do blow hot and cold. 125 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:31,275 I mean, he probably never thought I had it in me to start with. 126 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:35,552 Then he read my story, found it reasonably literate, not too many spelling mistakes. 127 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,194 He was so impressed by the fact that the covering letter was in joined-up writing, 128 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:39,912 he went completely overboard. 129 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,190 Now, in the cold light of day, he's beginning to regret it. 130 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:46,199 He's probably sitting at home right now, trying to concoct a diplomatic letter. 131 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,470 "Dear Colin..." No. 132 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,955 "Dear Mr Watkins..." Hm! 133 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:53,230 "Dear Watkins..." 134 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,158 "Dear Scum-bag... 135 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,874 When I first read your story, I thought it was absolutely sensational. 136 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,434 On a second reading, I vomited. 137 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,949 So let's just call the whole thing a terrible, a terrible mistake. 138 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:07,629 Sorry to be so mercurial but I'm only human, aren't I? All best wishes, etc, etc. 139 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,512 John Langley." 140 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:10,993 Jen? 141 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,949 - What are you doing? - I'm going to bed. 142 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,718 It's eight o'clock. 143 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:20,673 Yeah, we're obviously not celebrating and I've got an early start. 144 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,633 Why do you always have to overreact? 145 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:29,911 It's a perfectly reasonable fear, isn't it? I was just getting it off my chest. 146 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:33,271 Look, John Langley is just about the most respected publisher in the business. 147 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,995 It is a known fact that once he makes a decision he sticks by it. 148 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,556 - Really? - Really. He does not change his mind. 149 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,272 You're right! 150 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,915 The most important thing to happen to me in the past decade and I'm all on edge. 151 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:50,079 Right, OK, panic over! Let's get stuck into the champers. 152 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,633 Jen? 153 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,194 What time shall I set the alarm for? 154 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,232 What are you doing? Come on, let's get stuck in! 155 00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,635 Look, tonight has all gone wrong. 156 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:03,435 I cancelled my clients, rushed round buying nice food, got all dressed up 157 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:07,155 and within two minutes of my getting here the whole atmosphere is destroyed. 158 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,795 I'm OK about it now, you see. You've eased my mind. I want to celebrate now. 159 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:15,357 I'm not a machine. I mean, you don't just press 36 and get "good mood". 160 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:20,629 Anyway, the more I think of it, you're probably right. Best to wait till the book comes out. 161 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,479 I don't want to wait until the book comes out! I'm in a festive mood now. 162 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,636 Sit down and bloody celebrate! 163 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:29,196 There's no need to shout. Now I'm definitely off to bed. 164 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,993 Oh, bloody marvellous! 165 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,475 On Colin Watkins' big day. 166 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,830 Let's celebrate in style! 167 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,276 What can I do now? 168 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,198 Unblock the waste disposal unit? 169 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,914 Oh, I know, I could go through last year's gas bills. 170 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,955 Oh, God, I'm elated! 171 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,951 Ah, so what if Langley has changed his mind? What if he hasn't? 172 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,514 What's all the fuss about, anyway? Who gives a damn? 173 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,108 It's only a poxy little story, isn't it? 174 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,198 It's not a a novel. It's not a violin concerto. 175 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,517 It's not an opera cycle. It's a 36-page story. 176 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:19,235 A piffling molecule in the galaxy of creation. 177 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:23,148 Ah, well, you've had your moment of success, Watkins, settle down. 178 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,840 There's drudgery to be getting on with. 179 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,357 - Hello? - 'Ls that Colin Watkins? ' 180 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,677 It's Ann Fletcher here - John Langley's secretary.' 181 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,360 Oh, my God! That's it. The end of the line. She's rung up to apologise. 182 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,869 They're sending the story back. It was all a mistake. 183 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,274 'Hello? 184 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:40,628 Hello? 185 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,034 Hello? ' 186 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:45,035 Hello. 187 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:47,833 'Erm, John wants to know if you're free next Wednesday evening. 188 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,235 He'd like to take you out to dinner.' 189 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,552 Din? Er, er, dinner? Me? Er... 190 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:58,035 Er, er, I'm... Yeah, fine! Fine! 191 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:02,358 'Good, shall we say eight o'clock? Phillippe's Brasserie in Frith Street.' 192 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,870 Hang on, hang on! Erm, eight, eight, yeah. 193 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,913 Er, er, Phillippe's Brasserie? 194 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:13,953 Er, Frith... Frith Street, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that'll be fine, fine. 195 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:18,358 'Between you and me, Colin, you've done very well. It's not often John takes the writers out. 196 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,914 He thought your story was by far and away the best.' 197 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,393 - Did he? - 'Yes. 198 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:25,557 - He's talked of nothing else the past week.' - What? 199 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:28,035 'Well, apparently, you've set a whole new style. 200 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,038 Since he got your story, three contributors have been asked for re-writes. 201 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,755 This is strictly off the record, of course. Anyway, next Wednesday it is, then. 202 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,633 I'll put a letter in the post just to confirm the arrangements.' 203 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,751 Right, right! 204 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,917 Oooooh! 205 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,395 Oooh, aaaaagh! 206 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,511 Ooooh! 207 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,949 Aaah! Erm, erm... 208 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,479 - Hello, Jen? - 'Colin, I'm in a meeting.' 209 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,717 Er, er, Jen. Me, me, best! Langley! 210 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,034 'What? ' 211 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:05,991 - Story, you know. - 'What are you on about? ' 212 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,678 - Dinner! - 'Are you all right? ' 213 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,394 For heaven's sake, woman, it's easy enough to understand! It's perfectly clear! 214 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:14,399 Langley thought that my story was the best and is taking me out to dinner. 215 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:17,398 - 'Oh, that's wonderful. When? ' - What? 216 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,557 - 'When's he taking you out? ' - Er, erm, er, Wed. 217 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,318 'What? ' 218 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,635 - Wed! Wed! - 'Wednesday? ' 219 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:28,230 Yes, yes! Wed, eight! Phil! Bra! Frith! Yes! 220 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,472 Which one shall I wear? 221 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,751 Look, Langley is not going to see your underpants. 222 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,553 Now we haven't got much time. Have you got the address? 223 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,114 Erm, yeah. I'll go and get the letter, yeah. 224 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,471 "Dear Colin, Just a quick note to say once again 225 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,477 how much we enjoyed Out of Commission. 226 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,956 It really was one of the best contributions we've had. Mwah! 227 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,390 Looking forward to seeing you at Phillippe's Brasserie, 48, Frith Street at 8:00pm, 228 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,317 Wednesday 12th. Best wishes, John Langley." 229 00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,829 Right, that's just up from Piccadilly Circus Tube. 230 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:05,958 Hang on. 231 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:09,470 - Are you intending to wear trousers? - Wait a minute. 232 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,795 - D'you see that? - See what? 233 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,911 Anything strike you about that letter? 234 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,235 Well, it's on paper, it's in English. 235 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:21,309 No, no, no, look, look at the "Dear" and the "Colin". Look, they're out of line, you see? 236 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,318 Yeah, well the typewriter must have slipped or something. 237 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,876 It's a circular. My name's out of line with everything else. 238 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:32,198 It's probably the way they write their letters. Now do you a tie or do you want to be casual? 239 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,754 - It's a circular! - Casual, why not? 240 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,235 I think your blue shirt will go best with these trousers. 241 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:41,069 - It's a bloody circular! - "Thank you, Jenny, that was a brilliant idea." 242 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:44,590 It's a bloody round robin. Other people have had this! 243 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:48,952 There'll probably be other writers there tonight then. It'll be a good chance to make contacts. 244 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,356 I don't want other people there. I want it to be just me. 245 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,472 Look, I've just noticed this, it says "one of the best contributions". 246 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,149 Last week, his secretary said, "By far and away the best contribution." 247 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:03,239 - I'm being relegated behind me back. - You are not being relegated! 248 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:06,750 "One of the best" - I mean, what does it mean? 249 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,350 "One of the best" - I mean, how many of us are there? Eh? 250 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,994 Two? Three? Twenty? 251 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:19,194 How many other hacks am I going to have this wonderful t�te-a-t�te evening with, eh? 252 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:24,474 John Langley's best? Oh, yes, two-a-penny. Roll up, roll up! Come and get 'em! 253 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:28,559 Cheap at half the price! God, there's nothing like feeling a bit special, is there? 254 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,194 What does he think I am? What does he think I am, eh? 255 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:36,838 A piece of Allied Carpet? A slab of butter festering on some EEC mountain? 256 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,838 "Ah, yes, that's your table Mr Watkins, over there in the corner - 257 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,475 the one in the candlelit alcove, with Mr John Langley, 258 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:48,993 14 other writers, half the population of Shanghai and two Afghanistani goat herds." 259 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,836 And where the bloody hell is my blue shirt? 260 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:58,590 Hello. Is that Phillippe's Brasserie? Yes. Hello. Could you help me, please? 261 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:03,510 Mr John Langley has reserved a table for eight o'clock. How many has he booked it for? 262 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,518 Two? Thank you. Goodbye. 263 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,352 Now piss off! 264 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,476 In two hours from now, we'll be on the brandies, 265 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,797 probably influencing the entire course of contemporary English literature. 266 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,876 The whole restaurant will be craning their necks, 267 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:27,949 desperately trying to catch snippets of our conversation. Oh, well, each to their own. 268 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:49,354 Excuse me, could you turn that down, please? 269 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,636 I said, could you turn that thing down? 270 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,194 There are other passengers in this carriage, you know. 271 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:04,115 - They haven't said they want it down. - Well, I'm sure they do. 272 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,876 I'm asking you politely. 273 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:20,120 - Is something bothering you? - I'm asking you politely to turn that down. 274 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,357 If you want it turned down, why don't you come over here and do it yourself? 275 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,278 You heard him - you turn it down! 276 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,034 Oi! 277 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,071 You stupid old cow! 278 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,317 What are you doing? Oh, how dare you? No! 279 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,790 That's right -just sit there. 280 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,639 I'm twice your age and half your size. 281 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,672 Couldn't somebody think of pulling the emergency cord? 282 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:54,759 Or calling the guard? Or... Perhaps it was too much bother? 283 00:16:56,440 --> 00:17:01,309 "I'm late! Oh yes, I'm in too much of a hurry." There's no time to get involved, is there? 284 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:04,000 That's it? Were you scared? 285 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,429 Oh, for God's sake! Do you think I wasn't? 286 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:09,511 It wasn't your problem, oh, no. 287 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:12,598 Oh, go on, get on with your lives! 288 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,915 Don't let it spoil your evening! 289 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,719 I was looking forward to this meeting, Colin. 290 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,798 The Langley Book of Horror has been going for about ten years now 291 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,071 and it was getting in a bit of a rut. With more stuff like yours... 292 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:32,478 it'll have a new lease of life. You were right on target. It was terrific. 293 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,717 - Oh, thanks. Thanks very much. - Don't let it spoil your evening! 294 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:40,038 Actually, when I say you were right on target, it's not quite true. 295 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,596 Your writing was different from any that had gone before. 296 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:48,111 It was off-the-wall, whimsical. In fact, just the direction I wanted to take now. 297 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:51,949 I don't think any new writer has had such an impact as you have. 298 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,833 - Don't let it spoil your evening! - I won't let it spoil my evening. 299 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,554 Initially, I thought that the incident... 300 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:01,036 I wasn't the only person in that carriage. Someone else could have done something. 301 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,674 ...Re-reading it, I was totally won over. 302 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,634 One of things that excited me most was the sheer simplicity. 303 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,798 You took a simple psychological motif - 304 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,956 in this case guilt - 305 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:18,039 and followed it through to its perfectly logical conclusion. 306 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,760 I've lost my appetite. I don't want to eat. 307 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,110 - Shall I take your order now, Mr Langley? - Yes, please. 308 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,879 It's a disaster. I don't want to eat. 309 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,560 I think if I eat, I'll throw up all over the table. 310 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:30,874 What? 311 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,309 Sorry! Sorry, I just... I was thinking... 312 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,910 I was just thinking about throwing... throwing... throwing you a roll. 313 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,749 A monkfish ceviche and then rack of lamb. Colin? 314 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,270 Er, monk... monk... monk ceviche and rack of lamb. 315 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:52,997 You choose the wine, Colin. Get something nice - let's sting Langley and Edison tonight. 316 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:57,079 There was nothing you could do for her. Just put it behind you. Enjoy tonight. 317 00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:00,476 Go the whole hob. You're not going to get many invites like this coming your way, 318 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,160 so do what he says and let rip. 319 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,158 Bottle of house white, please. 320 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:11,034 One of the things I liked most about your piece was the humour. 321 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:16,280 Not only did it lighten the piece and refresh it, it also heightened the drama. 322 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:21,520 Now, by contrast, take an idea that in some way is very similar to yours. 323 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,995 Conrad's Lord Jim. 324 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:28,477 That too derives its energy from a basic psychological idea. 325 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,239 - Do you know the story, Colin? - Erm... 326 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:36,309 It's about a sea captain who leaves his passengers in a sinking ship 327 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,750 and stands by in his lifeboat to watch them drown. 328 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:40,915 Oh. 329 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,235 In short, it's about cowardice. 330 00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:44,349 Yes. 331 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,950 He feels utterly degraded as a human being and it haunts him for the rest of his life. 332 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:49,274 I see. 333 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:53,951 It's a long, bleak, relentless, harrowing argument 334 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,799 for mental and spiritual self-flagellation 335 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,229 in which the only solace is death. 336 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,038 - Telephone call for you, Mr Langley. - Oh, sorry, Colin. 337 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,390 Would you like the lamb rare or medium, sir? 338 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,159 What? Oh, I don't care. You choose. 339 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,554 Thank you, sir. 340 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,076 Why did she have to pick on me? 341 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,795 What could I have done? I'd have only made things worse. 342 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,354 Diving in there, aggravating the situation even more. 343 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:28,597 They'd have left her alone and I'd have ended up in intensive care. 344 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:32,395 I mean, what a cheek - here I am on the verge of artistic breakthrough. 345 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,478 I'm supposed to lay down my life for some stupid old woman, 346 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:40,628 who rampages around the Underground system causing confrontation wherever she goes. 347 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,952 I mean, those poor kids. 348 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,397 An innocent bunch of healthy, obnoxious teenagers, 349 00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,750 who are just out for a bit of fun with their ghetto-blaster 350 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,838 and along comes old Mother Grundy to wreck their evening for them. 351 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,589 I mean, what is wrong with a bit of hideous cacophony every now and then? 352 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,870 That was Malcolm Edison, my partner. 353 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,958 So excited about the new book, he has to track me down here. 354 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,868 He also mentioned discussing future projects with you, Colin. 355 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,037 Oh, really? Wait a minute, it wasn't cowardice on my part. 356 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:16,039 It was shyness. Yes! Good old English shyness, that's it. 357 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:19,038 We just... we just hate being self-conscious in public. 358 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,870 I said do you think it's out of the question? 359 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,355 Oh, my God, I wasn't listening! 360 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:30,509 Erm... 361 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,791 What's he referring to? Stories? Royalties? 362 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,309 Middlesbrough winning the Second Division? 363 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,351 Breeding wildebeest in captivity? 364 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:43,349 Well, I think it probably depends on, on, on, on what you mean by... 365 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:44,754 Yes? 366 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,871 - By it. - What? 367 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,797 What you said. 368 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,992 But I don't think there's any other interpretation. 369 00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:56,955 Oh, yes, I, I, think... I think there are three quite, possibly quite, different meanings. 370 00:21:58,840 --> 00:21:59,909 Are there? 371 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,919 Yes, there's the obvious... the obvious surface meaning. Er... 372 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:08,511 There's the... there's the... there's the not-so-obvious, deep-seated meaning. 373 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:12,394 And there's... there's a really... there's a really, really unlikely meaning 374 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:15,034 that's, that's so far beneath the surface of things, 375 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,594 that, that, that no-one would ever, ever, think... 376 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,757 I'm sorry, John, I haven't been listening to a word you've been saying. 377 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:22,950 I'm sorry. I've just had something on my mind, erm... 378 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,991 Oh, I'm sorry. Anything you want to discuss? 379 00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:28,829 No, no. No, look I'm... I'm OK. Please... please carry on. I'm all ears. 380 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,793 Now concentrate on what he's saying, Watkins. 381 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:35,151 - We are thinking of commissioning... - Privacy, that's another reason. 382 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,238 Yes, we respect other people's privacy. 383 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:42,399 The last thing she wanted was me barging in, trying to solve her problem. 384 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:47,355 We don't tread on each other's toes. We're too polite. Yes, we keep ourselves to ourselves. 385 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,479 We calmly sit by and watch other people get mutilated. 386 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,511 Oh, my God! 387 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,390 I'd have had those kids for breakfast. 388 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,590 I'd have taken them to the cleaner's. 389 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,553 Mate of mine in Deptford has got a crossbow. He could sort 'em out. 390 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,636 Of course, you know what Mick would have done? 391 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:07,193 Yeah - the Alsatian. 392 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:12,030 He'd have got his old man's Alsatian, starved it for a week, driven it down in his Land Rover 393 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:15,470 and let all five foot ten of the bugger loose on 'em. 394 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:19,469 Right. Well, that's helpful to know. 395 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,076 - Difficult to say, Col. - Why? 396 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,792 - Oh, no! - What? 397 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,639 - They haven't got any Super Jiffy. - Why is it difficult to say? 398 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,672 Hang on. They've probably got them in Household. Cos I wasn't there, was I? 399 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,756 I told you what happened. 400 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,429 Wait a minute. Going the wrong way. Erm... No, I'm not! 401 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,915 I told you what happened down to the last detail, for Chrissake! 402 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,396 - Well, going by what you said... - Well, who's bloody word do you want for it? 403 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,397 Raisa Gorbachev's? 404 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,909 It sounds like you probably did the right thing. 405 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,600 Sounds like? Probably? Oh, thanks a lot! 406 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,996 Remind me to call you as a character witness, next time I'm in the box, won't you? 407 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:57,351 "Colin Watkins? Pretty good sort of bloke. A bit dodgy when it comes to the crunch, though." 408 00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,948 You did what any normal human being would do. 409 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,913 Oh, that's even better that is! What is "normal" supposed to mean? 410 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:04,678 All right, take this incident the other day. 411 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,712 Bloke gets attacked in Putney High Street in the rush hour. 412 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,400 Did anyone actually do anything? Course not. 413 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,956 Small kid gets dragged into a car slap bang in the middle of the West End. 414 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,674 Anyone stop to question it? Nah. They haven't got the time. 415 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,872 A week later, his body ends up in Romney Marshes. 416 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:30,629 Last week, I had to deal with a rape case. Happened in her own house. 417 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:34,435 Needn't have done if anyone had been fagged to see what all the screaming was about. 418 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,348 It's the way we live now, Col. I see it everyday in my job. Nobody cares any more. 419 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,232 Thanks a lot, Des. I feel so much better now. 420 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:44,353 No bloody Super Jiffy! We are becoming increasingly callous as a race. 421 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,199 - So I am a callous bastard then? - No, of course not. 422 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,118 Des, just get off the fence and tell me - did I do the right thing? 423 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,754 - It's not for me to pass judgment, Col. - Yes, it is! 424 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:54,518 - That's it. I'm sunk. - What? 425 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,029 - No Super Jiffy. - Can't you use something else? 426 00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:00,197 You tear round like a blue-arsed fly cos they can't be bothered to stock the shelves properly. 427 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,039 - For God's sake! - It really gets my goat. Anyone like to help? 428 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,914 If I don't get this Super Jiffy, that is it - the whole evening is blown. 429 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:10,635 Would somebody please get this man some bloody Super Jiffy?! 430 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,675 At least tell me what you would have done? 431 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,438 Well, it depends. 432 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:19,994 Oh, don't start that again. Look, let me put it this way. 433 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:21,997 Have you ever been in that situation before? 434 00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:23,792 - No. - Oh... 435 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:25,797 Not for donkey's years. 436 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:28,673 - Eh? You mean you have? - Well, sort of. 437 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,836 Well, what happened? 438 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:33,633 Pass us the Brillo will you, Col? It's right by you. 439 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:37,911 Well, come on. 440 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,713 - It's all a bit of a blur really. - Tell me. 441 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:43,798 Erm, I don't see the point. It's not strictly comparable. 442 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:46,593 I need to hear about it! 443 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,154 - Well, there were these blokes. - How many? 444 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:53,159 I don't know. It was dark. It was difficult to see. Blimey, this one's a bastard! 445 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,317 Time for the big guns, I reckon. Pass me the brush, Col. 446 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:04,352 Anyway, this woman was trying to get into a lift in her tower block 447 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:08,268 and they were giving her a bit of a hard time. Not much else to say, really. 448 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:12,837 - So you... so you did something? - Yeah. I couldn't just leave her there, could I? 449 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,518 Why not?! 450 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,200 Well, how come you didn't say anything about this earlier? 451 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:20,392 Because they were a completely different set of circumstances. 452 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:24,035 I knew you'd get hold of the wrong end of the stick and compare it to your own situation. 453 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,276 How dare you patronise me! 454 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:27,753 Colin... 455 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,110 It's a bit... it's a bit different for me. 456 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,869 You know, with my job, the kind of kids I handle. 457 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,037 You get to be a bit... streetwise. 458 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:40,948 For a start, I could tell a mile off that this bloke was going to pull a knife. 459 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:42,559 Knife?! 460 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:46,036 And the other guy obviously had never used a machete before in his life. 461 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:47,388 A machete?! 462 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:52,310 It was nothing. I'd got the luck of the bounce, that's all. I was out of casualty in half an hour. 463 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,068 It was the local papers made a song and dance about it. 464 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,475 - Oh, my God - a hero! - I am not a hero. 465 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,238 - Bugger off! - But, Col... 466 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:02,669 - Stay away from me! - Col! 467 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:03,869 Col! 468 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,154 You had it coming to you, didn't you? 469 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:14,990 That night on the train, going to see Langley, strutting around like a peacock. 470 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:18,078 So smug, so pleased with yourself. 471 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:21,351 Glibly dismissing the rest of the human race. 472 00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:26,837 You got too near the sun, Watkins. Your wings melted. 473 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:36,079 OK, so it happened once. No need to write yourself off. 474 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,270 Go for a fresh start. 475 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,312 Make tonight the first night of the rest of your life. 476 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,671 I mean, take him for a start. Just let him try it. 477 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:48,236 One step out of line. One bit of aggro. Just don't push your luck. 478 00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:52,716 I can play that game too. Go on, go on, tempt me! 479 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:57,311 You didn't think you'd run into Charles Bronson on the Bakerloo Line tonight, did you? 480 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,594 Would you put that out, please? 481 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,392 No. 482 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:07,433 - There's no smoking in the Tube. - Yes, there is. Us. 483 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,996 I'll report you to the guard. 484 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:14,908 - Do what you like. - You'll be fined. 485 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:17,235 You're beginning to get on my nerves. 486 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:23,357 Here, excuse me... 487 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:26,989 Yeah? What's up, mate? 488 00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:30,271 This is, er... This is Kilburn Park, isn't it? 489 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:32,118 Yes, it is. 490 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:33,673 It's my stop, that's all. 491 00:28:36,700 --> 00:28:44,700 Ripped By mstoll