1 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:20,500 Ripped By mstoll 2 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,151 Rome - 95. 3 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,236 Madrid - 89. 4 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:31,351 Hamburg - 92. 5 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,516 Amsterdam - 87. 6 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,676 Paris - 91. 7 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,870 Moscow - 73. 8 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,831 London... 9 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,632 40. 10 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:47,995 More rain fell on Kilburn yesterday afternoon than on the entire Amazon rainforest. 11 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:52,438 It rained yesterday, it rained the day before yesterday. 12 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:55,916 It's raining today and you can bet your life it'll be raining tomorrow. 13 00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:00,311 Yeah, the worst summer since 1832, they reckon. 14 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:04,399 Test match has been rained off. Ascot's been rained off. 15 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:09,036 Wimbledon's been rained off. Even the bloody snooker's been rained off! 16 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:14,914 They say we're in for an Indian summer. No thank you very much. 17 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:18,157 If it's going to be lousy and stinking let it go the whole hog. 18 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:22,034 I don't want any last-minute sweeteners. I don't want to be patronised. 19 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:26,039 Typical of this country, isn't it? Small bits of happiness. 20 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,913 Pleasure with strings attached. 21 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:33,352 Pubs open some of the time. Sunny intervals! 22 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,995 By all means get out your bikini and go down the park for a picnic, 23 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:41,716 but don't forget to read the small-print where it says we reserve the right to piss on you. 24 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,359 Sunny intervals? Bastards! 25 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:53,119 I'm sorry, sir, I can't pass your complaint on to the area manager, he's on holiday. 26 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,196 'When will that colleague of yours be back? 27 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,356 I've never been treated like that in all my life! ' 28 00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,199 Well, he's out at lunch. He should be back any moment. 29 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:04,154 Trevor! Trevor, where have you been? You went at one o'clock. It's nearly half-past four! 30 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:05,759 What is this, a borstal or something? 31 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:08,838 I just think three and a half hours for lunch is a bit over the top, that's all. 32 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,157 You left me here on my own, and what is this business with Mr Davis? 33 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:15,113 I'm not speaking to him. I've had that toss-pot up to here. 34 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:17,595 'I heard that! ' Look, look... 35 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,110 'Why don't you just shoot us? Throw us on to the tracks and have done with it? ' 36 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,390 Look, is there anything I can do to help? 37 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:26,990 'Now listen, 20 years I've been a prisoner of your vindictive regime - 38 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:31,033 week-in, week-out, enduring strikes, price increases, delays, 39 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:33,674 cancellations, abuse, contempt, indifference 40 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,872 and the one single occasion, and I mean once, 41 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:40,515 because I've never complained before, that I call up with a legitimate complaint 42 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,870 in the hope of getting a reasonable hearing, 43 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:47,152 I come across this thug who is obviously hell-bent on destroying 44 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,795 the last vestige of self-respect that I've managed to cling on to! ' 45 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,275 Excuse me, sir, what exactly is your complaint? 46 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,516 He says the trains are too comfortable. 47 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:57,073 He what?! 48 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,875 Dozed off in his seat and overslept his stop. He reckons there's too much padding in 'em. 49 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:05,675 'You used to have good, firm, solid, honest seats. 50 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:11,158 If I'd wanted a sag-bag, I'd have stayed at home. I want the manager now! ' 51 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:14,795 - Well, I am the supervisor and I... - 'Supervisor? Pah! 52 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:18,595 You mean jumped-up clerk who just probably organises the tea-break. 53 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,792 - I want the manager! ' - I said he won't be back until tomorrow! 54 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:28,958 Oh, Col, erm... Those two weeks leave I got booked for the end of July, are they still OK? 55 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,310 - Erm... - Eh? That's when I go on holiday. 56 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,749 - No, no, no! Col knows about this. - Look... 57 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,633 - This means war, you know! - No, no! I asked in November. 58 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,320 If I don't get my two weeks at the end of July, there'll be blood. 59 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:42,079 Col, didn't I or did I not ask in November? 60 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,430 - Er, you did mention something, yeah. - Is this a wind-up or something? 61 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,870 - But I've gone and booked my holiday! - You can't both go on leave at the same time. 62 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:51,754 Look, I'm sorry Trevor Blacklock gets the last two weeks of July, every year. 63 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,757 - Colin knows it. Travers knows it. - No, no, no... The point is... 64 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:58,032 I'm not into seniority, but I'm not going to sit here and be intimidated by these two. 65 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:01,197 It's time to solve this with a quick, surgical decision. 66 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,038 Look... 67 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:09,478 Give me the weekend. I'll try and sort something out, OK? 68 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,115 - What's the point of asking in the first place? - Gentlemen. 69 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,198 Ah, Mr Travers. Didn't expect you back till Monday. 70 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:20,438 Oh, just thought I'd pop in on my way back from the airport and see how things are. 71 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,358 Well, nice to have you back, Mr Travers. Hope you had a good holiday. 72 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,913 Ah... 73 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,516 I'm sorry to burden you straight away, 74 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:38,518 but, you see, Trevor's put in for his annual leave exactly the same time as Graham. 75 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,393 I know there's a rule about not two members of staff being on leave at the same time... 76 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,431 - Bali, Colin. - Pardon? 77 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:44,675 Bali. 78 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,712 - Get there. Before it's too late. - Right. 79 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:52,311 From sunrise, when the maid came and scattered orange blossom on our bed, 80 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:56,433 to sundown, when we'd just sat at the beach bar and watched the waves 81 00:04:56,560 --> 00:05:01,554 wash away the footprints we'd left in the sand, I felt a new human being. 82 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,671 - And you know something, Colin? - Yes, Mr Travers? 83 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:07,952 There were a couple of times when I actually forgot this place existed. 84 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:09,308 I see. 85 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:13,194 Look, I know it's a bit mundane, but couldn't we get this Trevor and Graham thing sorted out? 86 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:17,279 Next week, Colin, please. I'm not officially here at the moment. 87 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:21,029 The office is running to seed a bit, don't you think? 88 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,550 Don't be afraid to pull rank from time to time. 89 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:27,033 Ciao! 90 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:32,551 On the day I leave this place, if I ever leave this place, 91 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,831 I'm going to take Travers at the dead of night into a dark alleyway... 92 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,349 pin him up against the wall... 93 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,914 and be sarcastic to him. 94 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,357 "Bathed in the half-light of a wicked moon, 95 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,278 across the stagnant blackness of the lily pond, 96 00:05:56,400 --> 00:06:00,393 the flotilla steered its silent and terrible course. 97 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,759 First, the torso, like some rank and terrible galleon, 98 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:14,908 then a forearm, cutting the water, putrid and relentless; 99 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:19,078 in its wake, a hand, a leg, 100 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,749 and, to one side, marooned on an isle of reeds, 101 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,474 a buttock... 102 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,431 white and menacing... 103 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:32,468 surpassing the moon with its evil crescent. 104 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:42,356 Yet more terrible and sinister still was the silence. 105 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:45,153 Pregnant and enveloping. 106 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:50,269 No rustling leaves. No whistling wind. 107 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,436 No mortal sound. 108 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:54,993 Nothing. 109 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:59,591 Just the muted, muffling shroud of death." 110 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:10,919 Ah... Hello. 111 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:12,678 - Colin? ' - Ah, hello, Jen. 112 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,394 'Fancy a game of tennis tomorrow? A couple of guys at work have asked me to play.' 113 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,909 - Er, what time? - I've booked the court for 11:30. 114 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:19,871 You can forget that for a start! 115 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,912 Colin, just for once try hauling your body out of bed before the football results. 116 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,235 Look, I haven't played in years. 117 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,749 Well, it doesn't matter. We just need someone to make up the numbers. 118 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,440 - Oh, all right. - Right. I'll pick you up at 11:00 then. 119 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,471 - Oh, yeah, sure. - Bye. 120 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,433 I wonder if Boris Becker ever gets asked to make up the numbers? 121 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,872 Oh, look at this! This is no good! Watkins, it's going to have to go! 122 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,639 Look at it! A pile of clich�s. 123 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,752 A heap of second-hand, jaded images. 124 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,235 You're getting stale, Watkins! Dried up! 125 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,476 Good Lord, it's stopped raining. 126 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,955 Ah, it's a waste of time. 127 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,548 I see you got the picnic then. 128 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,911 Look at the bastard cloud lurking there. 129 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:05,478 Colin, you've forgotten the suckling pig. 130 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,320 - Sorry. - What are you looking at? 131 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,955 - The weather. It's not going to hold. - Don't be ridiculous, the weather's fine. 132 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,355 No, it's not. Come here. Come here. 133 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,391 Look at that. 134 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:18,953 One cloud. 135 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:23,039 Ah, but there's another one just behind it, you see, and another one just behind that. 136 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,469 Yeah, they're all ganging up, waiting for us to make our move. 137 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,592 Colin, we're late. I told Sacha we'd be there at quarter past. 138 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,678 It's so inevitable, it's depressing. 139 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,314 They're coming this way. I can see it. 140 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:39,036 Why doesn't she see it? I feel like a soothsayer in Ancient Rome. 141 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,355 Nobody believes you. 142 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,756 It's unbelievable! 143 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,074 Yep. 144 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:51,198 Are we ever going to get a summer? 145 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:52,753 Nope! 146 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,958 I mean, trust it to pour the moment we step out on court. 147 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,310 Yeah, it's a bitch, isn't it? 148 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,671 Well, you've enjoyed yourself today, haven't you? 149 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,360 Well, gotta make the best of a bad job, Jen. 150 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,233 You know what we need? A holiday. 151 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,113 - What?! - Yeah, get out of this weather for a bit. 152 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:16,438 Some people at work are getting a villa. Fortnight in Portugal at the end of July. 153 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,835 There's still a double room left. 154 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,598 Ah, no, no. 155 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,756 You haven't taken your annual leave yet, have you? 156 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,599 Oh, I don't know. I'm just not in the mood this year. 157 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:29,030 OK, stew then! Summer's lousy, so you stew in it. 158 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,390 You'll go back to that job on Monday and stew in that. 159 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,511 You don't even want to make a break, do you? 160 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:37,474 Oh, not this again. I will not get lured into this argument again. 161 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,114 Stand firm, Watkins. 162 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,879 You've gone for fourjob interviews in seven years. 163 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,353 - Five. - Four! 164 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:48,712 Five! It's like a cattle market. "Oh, do come in, Mr Watkins. Sit down. 165 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:52,549 Would you like a cup of coffee while we tear your personality to shreds for an hour or so?" 166 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:56,468 - You've got to sell yourself. - Why? Why? For what? 167 00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,798 To join a buffalo stampede for some piddling sub-editorship on a local rag? 168 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,151 It doesn't end there, cos once you've been sub-editor then you want to be editor, 169 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:07,397 then you want to be chief editor, managing director, chairman of the board, God! 170 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,910 - It doesn't stop. - The writing's not exactly taking off, is it? 171 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,429 - Well, it's not my fault, is it? - Yes! 172 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:16,120 Take the very first story you wrote, just before our finals. 173 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,276 Instead of revising for her Chaucer paper, 174 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,755 muggins here, spends four hours in a refuse barrel 175 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,235 trying to retrieve it for the college magazine. 176 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:27,353 And what happened? They thought it was brilliant - a bit smelly, but brilliant. 177 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,672 Look, I can't fight all your battles for you. 178 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:36,197 - Have you thought about branching out a bit? - What do you mean? 179 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:39,596 Well, don't confine yourself to the same stuff all the time. 180 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:43,156 Do a review, a travel piece or something, increase your options. 181 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,475 Hold on. You write what you want to write. 182 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:49,149 Beethoven didn't have somebody nagging on at him to branch out all the time, did he? 183 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:52,909 "Come on, Ludwig, what about a sea shanty for a change?" I mean, really! 184 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,838 - Look, I'm going! - It's all right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 185 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,838 I didn't mean to snap. I'm sorry. I don't know... 186 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:03,192 I feel sort of stodgy at the moment. I need to sort of change gear. 187 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,515 That's all the more reason why we should go on holiday. 188 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,790 - Oh, what's the point? - What do you mean, "What's the point?" 189 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:12,152 You know what it's like, these two weeks away lark? Five days to get acclimatised, 190 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,396 three days to get over the sunburn, 191 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,159 then those two marvellous days when you do relax and it suddenly dawns on you, 192 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:20,716 you're in a place which has got good food, constant sunshine and no licensing laws, 193 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,389 and then you've got to start thinking about coming home again! I'm sorry, no! 194 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:29,469 No, I am not gonna spend �400 to remind myself how sodding awful this place is. 195 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,831 Absurd notion! 196 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,997 Brilliant idea. Change of scene. Just what we need. 197 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,236 Ah! Now... 198 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:45,511 Let's see. "Portuguese food, like Portuguese wine, tastes of the land itself, 199 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:49,997 exuding a scent of lemon blossom, sea breeze and brilliant sunshine, 200 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,236 all collected in an almond shell." 201 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:54,316 Just like Kilburn. 202 00:11:56,080 --> 00:12:00,437 Ah! Oh, I can't wait. I'm gonna put in for leave tomorrow. 203 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:04,109 Leave! Trevor and Graham. How am I gonna sort that out? 204 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:08,916 There's only one way. Neither of them will get it. I'll get it instead. Yeah, yeah. 205 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:13,113 It's about time they realised that old Watkins has got a bit of spunk. 206 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:18,633 That somewhere beneath the placid waters, deep down in the murky ocean trench, 207 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:22,594 there's a barracuda with one hell of an axe to grind. 208 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,796 Yes, I'm rather looking forward to this. 209 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,679 Right, you two. Now, about this leave you've both putting in for... 210 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:35,079 Look, Col, Graham and me have been thinking it over. We were a bit selfish on Friday. 211 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:39,079 - If anyone should have first choice, it's you. - Yeah, you haven't had a holiday in ages, Col. 212 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:43,318 We went over the top a bit. You tell us when you want to go, mate, we'll fit in with your plans. 213 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:44,839 Sure. 214 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:56,913 Hello, Jen? 215 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,793 Colin, I've got a meeting at the moment. 216 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,673 Yeah, it won't take long. Just to say I've changed my mind. I will come. 217 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,439 - 'Where? ' - Portugal. That villa thing. 218 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,950 - I've got two weeks off. - I've sort of gone cold on the Portugal idea. 219 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,958 - Jason doesn't like it. - Well, Jason's not coming with us! 220 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:15,675 We've got to do the whole thing from scratch. New soundtrack, new visuals, the lot. 221 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,155 - Is anybody there? - 'Sorry, Colin, what were you saying? ' 222 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,430 - I was talking about Portugal. - 'What? ' 223 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,552 It's a skinny little country on the edge of Spain. 224 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:26,752 There are so many places I want to see. Portugal isn't top of the list at the moment. 225 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:29,633 All right. What about the Greek Islands? You said you've never been. 226 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:33,514 - OK, two minutes. - I was thinking more of two weeks, actually. 227 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,552 I'll tell you what, I'll get some brochures after work. Come round about seven. 228 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:41,151 - I'll cook a Greek meal or something. - OK, I'll be round at seven. I must go. Bye. 229 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,633 Yeah... 230 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:47,639 - You fixed up a holiday then, Col? - Yes, yes. Greece, I think. 231 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:51,435 - One of the islands, perhaps. - Corfu, mate. That's where you want to go. 232 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,279 There's a bar in the harbour where all the Leicester City fans meet. 233 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,870 No, no, no, that's where the Shed go. Paxos is Leicester City. 234 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,116 - Are you sure? - Oh, yeah. 235 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,233 Ah, what's next? 236 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:07,273 "Sprinkle chicken pieces with lemon juice and oregano." Yep, done that. 237 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:10,517 "Add wine and chicken stock. 238 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,756 One teaspoon powdered cinnamon." Powdered cinnamon, powdered cinnamon. 239 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:30,755 "And one clove garlic and one onion finely chopped." Right. 240 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:38,998 Now, "Place chicken pieces in the yoghurt mix... 241 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,234 And leave to marinade overnight." 242 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:59,235 Thank you. Thank you very much. 243 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,354 Oh! 244 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,675 We've got to eat something. 245 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:13,588 What have we got here? What have we got? What's this? 246 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,950 Seafood lasagne. Mm. 247 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,597 "Serves two." 248 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,234 Two what? Stick insects? 249 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:28,798 Oh, I don't think I could face kebabs again tonight. Mm... 250 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,673 Right, anyway, let's see what we're going to do here. 251 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,313 Right! 252 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,829 So where's it going to be then? 253 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,749 Let's have a look at Spetsai. Oh, that doesn't look bad. 254 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:44,077 "This comfortable one-room apartment commands a stunning view of the sea 255 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,794 and is only two minutes' walk from shops and tavernas. 256 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,515 The block is run by Takis Valkidis, a friendly..." 257 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:53,279 They're always friendly, aren't they? 258 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:56,710 You never here of Takis Valkidis, a raving psychopath who loathes foreigners 259 00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,718 and whose six kids take it in shifts to drive their mopeds 260 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,070 up and down outside your balcony all night. 261 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,795 Oh, it does look nice. Oh, hell, that's it! 262 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:09,071 Why waste time agonising? No need to look any further. 263 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,431 Apartments Valkidis, Spetsai, here we come! 264 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,237 I don't understand. I thought you wanted to go on holiday together. 265 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,079 I do. I just don't fancy Greeking it this year. 266 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,636 "Greeking it"? I love these buzz-words. 267 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,036 Well, we've decided we're definitely not going to "Portugal it", 268 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,958 "Switzerlanding it" is obviously out of the question, 269 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:34,629 and as for "Central African Republicing it", I mean, the price is a joke. 270 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,273 I just want to do something different. 271 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,914 I'm sick and tired of getting sand in my bottom year after year. 272 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,951 Mm, well, like what? 273 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:45,312 Well, Miles Clavedon's going on a lecture tour of Egypt at the end of the month 274 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,635 and he's asked me to go - you too, if you want. 275 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,115 - A lecture tour? - Mm, Egyptian history. 276 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,277 We visit the sights, we have lectures and we're accompanied by a professor. 277 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,914 I suppose we have to sit an exam at the end, do we? 278 00:16:56,040 --> 00:17:00,033 Of course, and if you fail it, you don't leave Egypt till you get it right. 279 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:03,709 Look, it's called a "special interest" tour. 280 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,559 How about giving the mind a change of scene as well? 281 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,796 - No, thank you. - No... 282 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:13,391 You just want to spend two weeks rotting under a sunshade, reading yesterday's papers, 283 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,715 stuffing your face at mealtimes 284 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,877 and then spending ten hours a night snoring like a whale in your hotel room. 285 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,992 - What's wrong with that? - Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. 286 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,559 - We'll go our separate ways, then. - What? 287 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:33,912 Well, why not? We're only going to get on each other's nerves. It's only for two weeks. 288 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,998 That's marvellous, innit? You bludgeon me into going on holiday. 289 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:43,032 - Now you want to send me into exile. - Go with a friend for a change. 290 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,628 All right, I will! I will. If that's what you want. 291 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:03,511 If that's the way she wants it. Separate ways, then. 292 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,790 So who do I go with? 293 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,879 It's got to be the right person. Someone who's good company, easy-going. 294 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,673 Someone who's in the holiday mood. 295 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,588 This last week has been sheer, utter, unmitigated, 296 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,109 undiluted, unbearable, unequivocal hell. 297 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,276 No, hell would have been a holiday. 298 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,834 "Liaise with the housing estate leaders," they say! 299 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,236 How can you liaise with someone who's just chucked himself out of a 13th-floor window? 300 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,714 "Try and keep up with the remand reports." 301 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:33,593 You try and keep up with remand reports while your office is burning. 302 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,998 You couldn't take the clingfilm off before you toast it, could you? Want a drink, Des? 303 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:41,192 There I was, going through the "M" to "Rs" and I hear crackling. 304 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:44,437 I look out the window, I see smoke. I open the door, I see flames. 305 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,552 And why hasn't the alarm gone off? Because it's been vandalised. 306 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:52,037 And who vandalised it? Me, because those bloody louts kept setting them off all day. 307 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,754 - No, no, hang on! Hang on! - I really don't know. Lord knows. 308 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,075 Nervous breakdown? Haven't got time for one. 309 00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:00,510 Look, if it's getting you down that much, why don't you come on this holiday? 310 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,278 What? 311 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,597 I said, why don't you come on this holiday I was telling you about? 312 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,871 I don't suppose you'd remember. It was at least five minutes ago. 313 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,718 Holiday? Holiday? 314 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:15,834 Look, Col, no offence, but you breeze into work, plonk your arse in an easy chair, 315 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,315 shuffle a bit of paper about, go home and forget all about it. 316 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:22,558 I have to live my job - I go to work with my job, I go back with my job, 317 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,353 I have supper with it, we watch TV together, we go to bed together. 318 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,869 Well, bloody go on holiday together then! 319 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,673 You seriously expect me just to drop everything like that? 320 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,597 Just waltz out of the office and leave them to... 321 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:38,272 Oh, what's the use? Wait a minute, why do I need to have someone to go on holiday with? 322 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:43,155 Why don't I just go on my own? Yes, what is this obsession about having company? 323 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:47,717 Let's have a twosome, a threesome, a foursome. Let's get a chalet together, a villa, 324 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:52,118 a Land Rover, a minibus. Let's get 20 of us and squeeze into a lift for a fortnight. 325 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:56,392 Perhaps the Black Hole of Calcutta's still got some spaces left the first week of August? 326 00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,990 Hell, even singles holidays mean you're just shoved into some room 327 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:04,272 along with a bunch of football hooligans who'll knife you if you don't urinate off the balcony. 328 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:08,109 No, thank you. Colin is going on his tod. 329 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,312 Room to meself, me own patch on the beach. 330 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:16,753 A little corner of the Aegean reserved exclusively for Colin Watkins and his lilo. 331 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:22,113 Oh, why didn't I think of it before? That's settled it. Best decision I've made in ages. 332 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,390 - OK, I'll come. - What? 333 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:29,030 You're right. It's so easy to get caught up in things, you tend to lose perspective. 334 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,833 - Now, you're sure you want me to come? - Ah, yes, yes, of course. 335 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,996 Idiot, Watkins! Tell him "no"! 336 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,032 - Cos I can back out now if you want. - No, I don't want you to back out. 337 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:38,718 I do! I do! 338 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,717 Thanks, Col! 339 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,991 Eh, I need somebody to jog me out of things. Now... 340 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,714 For God's sake, nip it in the bud. Tell him "no" now! 341 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:50,674 Tell you what, I'll nip down to the agents first thing tomorrow when they open at 9:00... 342 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,189 I've got to be ruthless. It's my only holiday. 343 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:57,074 No, I'll make a thermos of coffee and I'll get down there at 8:30, 344 00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:01,113 just to be on the safe side. Now, they'll probably prefer to have cash for the deposit... 345 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:04,232 Des, Des! I'm sorry. I've changed my mind. Erm... 346 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,670 I don't want you to come with me. I want to go on my own. 347 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:12,675 Fair enough! Miss! Can I have two pints over here, please? 348 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:19,469 Right. 349 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,158 Passport, ticket. 350 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,838 Ticket, passport. 351 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,918 Now where the hell has that cab gone to? 352 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:29,669 I bet they've forgotten. I should never have booked it so far in advance. 353 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,995 I'd better ring and check. 354 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,640 Oh, no! Which one was it? 355 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,479 Medway Cabs? West London Radio Cabs? 356 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:41,990 Pronto Cars? Cheetah 24-hour Super Taxis? 357 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,714 Jesus! Half of London must work in this business. 358 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:47,434 There can't be enough passengers to go round, surely. 359 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,916 Does this country produce things like doctors and scientists and teachers any more? 360 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,600 Napoleon was wrong. We're a nation of minicab drivers. 361 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,075 The economy will soon be in ruins. Oh, well... 362 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,395 at least when the blokes from the IMF come over to bail us out, 363 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,114 there'll be no shortage of people to pick them up from the airport. 364 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,037 Oh! Ah, this is the one. 365 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:11,918 Come on! 366 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,315 Come on, you animals! Oh, hello. 367 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,671 The name's Watkins. Yes, I had a cab booked for 5:30. 368 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:21,759 Yeah. Oh, it's on its way? Great. I'll like to cancel it, please. 369 00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:26,079 Oh, you are an angel, Jen. 370 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,636 - It was absurd cancelling that cab. - Look, it would never have come, I know it. 371 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,069 Colin, we're running late. Now get your stuff and let's get going. 372 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,873 - What? - We haven't got much time. Let's go. 373 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,036 - What, leave? - Yes. 374 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:38,673 - When? - Now! 375 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:41,712 - But... I can't just go, can I? - Why not? 376 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:45,799 Well, it's not that easy. I mean, there are things to check. I can't just leave the place like that. 377 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,070 - What are you doing? - Drawing the curtains. 378 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:50,713 - Why? - So the burglars think I'm in. 379 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,558 What burglars? 380 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:57,196 Hordes of them out there waiting to storm the flat as soon as I set foot outside. 381 00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,356 I can't leave them drawn all day. 382 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,755 I mean, it'll be obvious. It'll attract attention. Erm... 383 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:09,197 What should I do? Draw them? Not draw them? Half draw them? 384 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:13,472 Stuff them into the pelmet? Fold them into the shape of a giraffe? Jen, help me. 385 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,113 - Colin... - Oh, Jen, Jen. 386 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,913 Would you sort of pop in several times a day? Make the place look lived in. 387 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:21,589 Switch on a few lights, do a bit of talking, wave your arms around in front of the window. 388 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,995 Ticket and passport? Passport and ticket?! Have you seen the passport? 389 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:26,839 You've just given them to me for safekeeping. 390 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,235 They're not there! They're not there! 391 00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:33,796 Oh, that's it, marvellous, isn't it? No holiday - 400 quid down the drain! 392 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:39,193 Ah! Erm... you couldn't look after them for me, could you? 393 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:42,995 I don't think I can take much more of this. I'm going to wait in the car. 394 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,836 Right, right! 395 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,110 Right - lamps. 396 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,153 Amplifier. 397 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,430 TV and video. 398 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,871 'I, Claudius'! 399 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:09,351 I promised to record 'I, Claudius' for Des. If he misses that, we'll never hear the end of it. 400 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:19,959 I don't like this, you know. Leaving this lot plugged in for a fortnight. 401 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:21,399 Oh, it's typical, isn't it? 402 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,592 They come out with these contraptions that do things while you're out of the house, 403 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:28,030 at the same time you've got the Public Advisory Service and the Electricity Board 404 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:32,597 yelling at you not to leave things plugged in. They want to make their bloody minds up!! 405 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:36,076 - We've got half an hour! - Yes, I know, I know! 406 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,636 Sorry, Des! 407 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:46,275 Ah, hell, that's great, isn't it? Now, along with the Diacalm and the suncream, 408 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,870 I've got two weeks' supply of guilt to lug around with me. 409 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,070 I'm coming for Chrissake, I'm coming! 410 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,033 What the hell is that doing there? 411 00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,958 Oh, no! Don't tell me I just packed one of them. It took me two hours to get this case shut! 412 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:02,991 Oh, God! 413 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:05,714 Come on, you bastard! I'm sure I packed both of you. 414 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:09,230 Oh, God!! It must be in here somewhere. 415 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:12,113 Oh, I'm gonna be the laughing stock of the Greek Islands. 416 00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:15,391 The only bloke hobbling around on one flip-flop. 417 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,713 Have you got any idea what's going on in here, woman?!! 418 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:24,310 - Be quiet. You'll wake the whole street up! - I don't care! I don't care! 419 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,874 - I'm in a living hell up here! - What's the matter now? 420 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,151 Everything - Des, videos, flip-flops... 421 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:34,558 Colin, I am getting into the car and taking this bag to Heathrow without you. 422 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:38,518 O, God! 423 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:50,630 Now, was that everything? Lamps, hi-fi, TV, video. 424 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:54,196 Relax- there's nothing to worry about. Everything's in order. 425 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:55,753 Toast. 426 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:57,233 What? 427 00:25:57,360 --> 00:26:00,238 - I had some toast this morning when I got up. - Oh, congratulations. 428 00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:04,114 - Did I switch the grill off? - You want to go back and check? 429 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,549 Of course I switched it off. I always switch it off. 430 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:08,830 Why should today be any different? 431 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:10,916 Because today you're going on holiday. 432 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:15,238 It's ridiculous. I'm acting like an idiot. Jen, what are you doing? 433 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:19,399 - We're going back to check. - Jen, drive on. I'm behaving like a child. 434 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:23,308 - Yes, but we're still going back to check. - Jen, I won't worry about it. OK, I promise. 435 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:25,032 - Are you sure? - I'm positive. 436 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:29,870 I've been a pain. OK, I'm gonna sit back and relax and get in the holiday mood now. 437 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,912 Of course you switched the grill off. You're being pathetic. 438 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:39,393 Pathetic! 439 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:47,678 Pathetic! 440 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,990 Absolutely pathetic! 441 00:26:58,040 --> 00:26:59,871 This is infantile. 442 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:03,470 I'll get Des to go round and check. 443 00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:08,158 Well, come on, Des. Answer. 444 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,236 Come on, Jen. 445 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,470 Where the hell is she? 446 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,675 Hello? Yeah, is that the Sun World rep? 447 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,473 Yeah, it's Colin Watkins here again. 448 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,955 You remember at the Bouzouki evening, 449 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:29,675 I was telling you I might have to go back to London early on urgent business? 450 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:33,349 Yeah. Well, I've just had the phone call from head office. Yeah. 451 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:37,553 Apparently, it's all systems go and they do need someone to go back and turn the grill off. 452 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:41,468 Ah, sorry... Anyway, I wonder if you could possibly, erm... 453 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,793 What do you call it, Watkins? Pathetic! 454 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,353 It's off! 455 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:06,551 Oh, shit!!! 456 00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:17,500 Ripped By mstoll