1 00:00:39,177 --> 00:00:41,839 [ Man Narrating ] As the 21st century began... 2 00:00:41,946 --> 00:00:45,473 human evolution was at a turning point 3 00:00:45,583 --> 00:00:50,521 Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest... 4 00:00:50,623 --> 00:00:54,184 the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest... 5 00:00:54,293 --> 00:00:58,126 a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man... 6 00:00:58,229 --> 00:01:00,629 now began to favor different traits 7 00:01:00,732 --> 00:01:02,633 [ Reporter] TheJoey Buttafuoco case- 8 00:01:02,734 --> 00:01:06,534 Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized... 9 00:01:06,639 --> 00:01:08,731 and more intelligent 10 00:01:08,841 --> 00:01:12,868 But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction 11 00:01:12,978 --> 00:01:14,945 A dumbing down 12 00:01:15,046 --> 00:01:17,071 How did this happen? 13 00:01:17,183 --> 00:01:20,448 Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence 14 00:01:20,552 --> 00:01:23,077 With no natural predators to thin the herd... 15 00:01:23,189 --> 00:01:26,487 It began to simply reward those who reproduced the most... 16 00:01:26,592 --> 00:01:30,722 and left the intelligent to become an endangered species 17 00:01:31,897 --> 00:01:36,356 Having kids is such an important decision. 18 00:01:36,468 --> 00:01:37,901 We're just waiting for the right time. 19 00:01:38,003 --> 00:01:40,335 It's not something you want to rush into, obviously. 20 00:01:40,439 --> 00:01:42,338 No way. 21 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,841 Oh, shit, I'm pregnant againI 22 00:01:44,943 --> 00:01:48,038 Shit! I got too many damn kids! 23 00:01:48,147 --> 00:01:51,378 - I thought you was on the pill or some shit! - Hell, no! 24 00:01:51,484 --> 00:01:53,451 Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany. 25 00:01:53,552 --> 00:01:55,678 Brittany? No, you didn't! 26 00:01:55,788 --> 00:01:58,847 - There's no way we could have a child now. - Mm-mm. 27 00:01:58,957 --> 00:02:00,925 Not with the market the way it is, no. 28 00:02:01,026 --> 00:02:03,357 God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense. 29 00:02:03,461 --> 00:02:06,396 Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you! 30 00:02:06,498 --> 00:02:09,160 Yeah? Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here. 31 00:02:09,267 --> 00:02:12,533 - She don't mean nothin' to me, baby! - Clevon! 32 00:02:12,638 --> 00:02:15,698 Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me! 33 00:02:15,807 --> 00:02:19,106 Well, we finally decided to have children... 34 00:02:19,211 --> 00:02:23,237 and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well. 35 00:02:23,348 --> 00:02:25,248 And this is helping. 36 00:02:25,350 --> 00:02:28,444 I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to- 37 00:02:28,553 --> 00:02:30,454 It's always me, right? 38 00:02:30,556 --> 00:02:33,922 Well, it's not my sperm count. 39 00:02:34,026 --> 00:02:36,586 Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all! 40 00:02:36,694 --> 00:02:38,457 That's my boy! 41 00:02:38,564 --> 00:02:40,861 Whoo! Whoo! 42 00:02:42,767 --> 00:02:44,668 Clevon is lucky to be alive. 43 00:02:44,770 --> 00:02:47,101 He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake... 44 00:02:47,206 --> 00:02:50,437 into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate. 45 00:02:50,543 --> 00:02:52,601 But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research... 46 00:02:52,711 --> 00:02:55,680 and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler... 47 00:02:55,781 --> 00:02:57,975 Clevon should regain full reproductive function. 48 00:02:58,082 --> 00:02:59,982 Get your hands off my junk! 49 00:03:04,223 --> 00:03:07,317 Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack... 50 00:03:07,426 --> 00:03:09,519 while masturbating... 51 00:03:09,628 --> 00:03:12,722 to produce sperm for artificial insemination. 52 00:03:12,831 --> 00:03:14,730 But I have some eggs frozen... 53 00:03:14,832 --> 00:03:18,529 so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know- 54 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:22,664 [ Clevon Shouting ] 55 00:03:22,775 --> 00:03:25,266 [ Narrator] And so it went for generations... 56 00:03:25,377 --> 00:03:28,175 although few, if any, seemed to notice 57 00:03:28,279 --> 00:03:34,047 But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C ... ... 58 00:03:34,153 --> 00:03:38,088 a simple army librarian was unknowingly... 59 00:03:38,189 --> 00:03:42,092 about to change the entire course ofhuman history 60 00:03:42,194 --> 00:03:43,956 Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail! 61 00:03:48,232 --> 00:03:49,860 Hey, Bauers. 62 00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:52,460 This is Peterson, your new replacement. 63 00:03:52,570 --> 00:03:56,439 - My what? I'm gettin' replaced? - Yeah, they didn't tell you? 64 00:03:56,541 --> 00:03:58,634 - No. - Some new assignment. 65 00:03:58,743 --> 00:04:01,041 They're being all weird and hush-hush about it. 66 00:04:01,146 --> 00:04:03,979 I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time. 67 00:04:04,082 --> 00:04:07,848 - I'm good at this. - Good at what? Sittin' on ass? 68 00:04:07,952 --> 00:04:10,546 No one ever comes in here 69 00:04:10,656 --> 00:04:13,886 Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up. 70 00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:17,052 If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension 71 00:04:17,162 --> 00:04:20,290 I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this? 72 00:04:20,398 --> 00:04:23,129 No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up. 73 00:04:23,235 --> 00:04:27,603 Jesus. I don't understand. Why me? 74 00:04:27,706 --> 00:04:31,335 Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way. 75 00:04:31,442 --> 00:04:35,071 When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way". 76 00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:39,240 It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following. 77 00:04:39,350 --> 00:04:41,216 That doesn't embarrass me. 78 00:04:41,319 --> 00:04:43,220 Look,Joe. You don't have a choice. 79 00:04:43,321 --> 00:04:45,153 You're just gonna have to follow. 80 00:04:45,257 --> 00:04:47,725 Like, follow me upstairs, like, now. 81 00:04:47,826 --> 00:04:51,591 Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy? 82 00:04:51,696 --> 00:04:55,894 I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go. 83 00:05:02,975 --> 00:05:06,035 [ Man ] Gentlemen, meetJoe Bauers... 84 00:05:06,144 --> 00:05:09,273 our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment. 85 00:05:09,381 --> 00:05:11,314 Now, as you know, throughout the years... 86 00:05:11,417 --> 00:05:13,884 many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders... 87 00:05:13,985 --> 00:05:16,180 often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle. 88 00:05:16,288 --> 00:05:21,021 With the Human Hibernation Rroject, we will be able to save our best men... 89 00:05:21,125 --> 00:05:24,060 frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most. 90 00:05:24,163 --> 00:05:27,894 Joe, here, is not one of our best men 91 00:05:27,999 --> 00:05:32,629 Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is. 92 00:05:32,737 --> 00:05:37,401 Extremely average in every category Remarkable, truly 93 00:05:37,509 --> 00:05:40,273 The most average person in our entire armed forces. 94 00:05:40,379 --> 00:05:42,903 Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried... 95 00:05:43,014 --> 00:05:45,312 is an only child, and both parents are deceased... 96 00:05:45,417 --> 00:05:49,079 making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions... 97 00:05:49,187 --> 00:05:51,247 should something go wrong with the experiment. 98 00:05:51,355 --> 00:05:55,918 We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks... 99 00:05:56,028 --> 00:06:00,088 and were forced to look into the private sector. 100 00:06:00,199 --> 00:06:03,656 This is Rita LikeJoe, she has no immediate family 101 00:06:03,769 --> 00:06:06,499 Rita agreed to participate in this experiment... 102 00:06:06,605 --> 00:06:10,665 in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee. 103 00:06:10,776 --> 00:06:14,473 We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp... 104 00:06:14,579 --> 00:06:18,607 a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly- 105 00:06:20,218 --> 00:06:24,382 With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping 106 00:06:24,490 --> 00:06:26,720 Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year... 107 00:06:26,824 --> 00:06:30,158 and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways... 108 00:06:30,261 --> 00:06:33,492 with the local authorities in running his pimp game 109 00:06:33,598 --> 00:06:37,763 First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust 110 00:06:39,037 --> 00:06:41,699 Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please? 111 00:06:41,807 --> 00:06:44,105 Sure. Let me just finish here. 112 00:06:44,208 --> 00:06:48,509 You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square. 113 00:06:48,614 --> 00:06:50,639 Collins! 114 00:06:51,949 --> 00:06:54,418 Fine. We'll move on. 115 00:06:54,519 --> 00:06:57,317 It is a fascinating world though. 116 00:07:10,334 --> 00:07:12,326 Jesus, Collins. 117 00:07:13,739 --> 00:07:16,730 Yeah, that's- [ Clears Throat ] 118 00:07:18,076 --> 00:07:20,805 Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects... 119 00:07:20,913 --> 00:07:22,903 are to be placed into a dry freeze... 120 00:07:23,014 --> 00:07:25,346 for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow. 121 00:07:25,449 --> 00:07:27,644 As you know, this is highly classified. 122 00:07:27,752 --> 00:07:32,884 However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely 123 00:07:39,665 --> 00:07:43,122 So this is kinda crazy, huh? 124 00:07:43,235 --> 00:07:46,761 - What unit are you with? - Oh, I ain't in the service. 125 00:07:46,872 --> 00:07:49,739 Oh, private sector. Okay. 126 00:07:49,841 --> 00:07:54,336 - So, uh, what do you do? - A little of this, a little of that. 127 00:07:54,446 --> 00:07:56,641 Wow, that's great. 128 00:07:56,747 --> 00:07:59,581 You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way- 129 00:07:59,684 --> 00:08:01,709 doing a little of this and a little of that 130 00:08:01,819 --> 00:08:06,620 I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures... 131 00:08:06,725 --> 00:08:08,624 and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market. 132 00:08:08,726 --> 00:08:10,627 Yeah. 133 00:08:12,564 --> 00:08:15,499 So, uh, you an artist or somethin'? 134 00:08:16,768 --> 00:08:19,702 - Uh, yeah. - You do paintings or- 135 00:08:19,805 --> 00:08:22,273 - Yeah, paintings. - Okay, great. 136 00:08:23,875 --> 00:08:26,538 - Mm-hmm. - What do you paint mostly? 137 00:08:28,180 --> 00:08:32,707 I don't know,just... people and fruit and shit. 138 00:08:32,817 --> 00:08:37,983 Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love. 139 00:08:38,090 --> 00:08:40,717 [ Scoffs ] Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be. 140 00:08:40,826 --> 00:08:42,486 - [ Door Opens ] - [ Collins ] Who wants to go first? 141 00:08:42,594 --> 00:08:45,085 Me. 142 00:08:49,768 --> 00:08:53,134 - [ Machinery Whirring ] - What the f- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh. 143 00:08:53,238 --> 00:08:56,935 Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I.V.s attached and all. 144 00:08:57,042 --> 00:09:00,135 - What's the matter? - Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me... 145 00:09:00,245 --> 00:09:02,337 in no damn coffin with tubes and shit! 146 00:09:02,446 --> 00:09:05,438 Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me. 147 00:09:05,549 --> 00:09:07,108 Who's Upgrayedd? 148 00:09:07,219 --> 00:09:09,187 He's my boyfriend. 149 00:09:10,522 --> 00:09:12,490 Man, how do you know this shit's safe? 150 00:09:12,591 --> 00:09:14,490 These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry. 151 00:09:14,592 --> 00:09:17,356 They've tested it on dogs and everything. 152 00:09:17,461 --> 00:09:20,328 What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep... 153 00:09:20,432 --> 00:09:22,422 we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again. 154 00:09:22,533 --> 00:09:24,524 - It'll be fine - All right. 155 00:09:24,635 --> 00:09:28,538 Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch? 156 00:09:29,874 --> 00:09:33,207 See, cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student. 157 00:09:33,312 --> 00:09:34,836 His name was Untgrad. 158 00:09:34,946 --> 00:09:36,971 Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here. 159 00:09:37,081 --> 00:09:39,879 Just go ahead and lie down. Relax. 160 00:09:41,019 --> 00:09:43,988 [ Equipment Beeping ] 161 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:50,957 See you in a year. 162 00:09:51,062 --> 00:09:53,725 [ Narrator] The Human Hibernation Rroject... 163 00:09:53,831 --> 00:09:56,858 was one of the army's most ambitious experiments... 164 00:09:56,969 --> 00:09:59,802 and one of its most secretive 165 00:09:59,904 --> 00:10:02,339 But it was not immune from human error 166 00:10:05,177 --> 00:10:07,076 Freeze! 167 00:10:07,178 --> 00:10:09,078 [ Groans ] 168 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:19,451 Soon after Collins's arrest and the massive scandal that followed... 169 00:10:19,557 --> 00:10:22,321 the base was closed 170 00:10:22,427 --> 00:10:27,125 It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten 171 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:33,267 Things looked bleak forJoe, but they were even worse for mankind 172 00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:36,637 As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed... 173 00:10:36,741 --> 00:10:40,769 and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate 174 00:10:49,454 --> 00:10:53,254 Some had high hopes that genetic engineering... 175 00:10:53,358 --> 00:10:55,349 would correct this trend in evolution 176 00:10:55,460 --> 00:10:58,623 But sadly, the greatest minds and resources... 177 00:10:58,730 --> 00:11:03,599 were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections 178 00:11:03,701 --> 00:11:06,067 [ Orangutan Chattering ] 179 00:11:06,171 --> 00:11:11,609 Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline... 180 00:11:11,710 --> 00:11:16,306 until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems 181 00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:21,408 Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever... 182 00:11:21,519 --> 00:11:26,389 leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505... 183 00:11:26,490 --> 00:11:31,826 which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever 184 00:11:31,929 --> 00:11:34,898 [ Backup Warning Beeping ] 185 00:12:05,864 --> 00:12:08,628 - Hold on. - [ Man On TV] Next, on The Violence Channel... 186 00:12:08,733 --> 00:12:10,962 an all-new OwI My BallsI 187 00:12:17,142 --> 00:12:19,474 [ Screaming ] 188 00:12:23,447 --> 00:12:27,316 - All right. [ Chuckling ] - [ Beeping ] 189 00:12:27,418 --> 00:12:29,784 - [ Snarling ] - [ Screaming ] 190 00:12:29,888 --> 00:12:32,220 [ Chuckling ] 191 00:12:32,323 --> 00:12:34,224 [ Groans ] 192 00:12:34,326 --> 00:12:36,817 [ Man Watching TV] That guy got hit in the balls 193 00:12:36,927 --> 00:12:39,452 Ow, my balls! 194 00:12:39,563 --> 00:12:43,330 - [ Groans ] - [ Man On TV Screaming ] 195 00:12:43,435 --> 00:12:45,335 Huh? 196 00:12:45,437 --> 00:12:48,337 [ Groaning ] 197 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:52,967 - [ TV: Tires Squealing, Man Screaming ] - [ Man Watching TVLaughs ] 198 00:12:53,077 --> 00:12:55,568 - [Joe] Where's- - Hold on. Shut up! 199 00:12:58,283 --> 00:13:00,182 [ Man Laughing ] 200 00:13:00,284 --> 00:13:02,253 [ Tires Squealing ] 201 00:13:08,025 --> 00:13:10,323 - Where's Officer Collins? - Shut up! 202 00:13:10,427 --> 00:13:14,057 [ Man On TV] Next week on Ow! My Balls!, Hormel goes to RarisI 203 00:13:14,166 --> 00:13:18,898 - Are we on base? - I'm gonna base your ass on my fist. 204 00:13:19,004 --> 00:13:22,440 In your face, ass! Shut up. 205 00:13:22,541 --> 00:13:24,668 I'm sorry It's just- Where am I? 206 00:13:24,775 --> 00:13:26,970 Shut up! I told you already! 207 00:13:27,077 --> 00:13:29,012 [ Flushes ] 208 00:13:34,186 --> 00:13:37,349 Yeah! Wouldn't shut up! 209 00:13:37,455 --> 00:13:39,115 Come in here and not shut up 210 00:13:39,224 --> 00:13:42,784 Yeah,you were like, I'm not shuttin'up, and I was like- 211 00:13:57,975 --> 00:14:00,375 [ Narrator] Unaware of what year it was... 212 00:14:00,477 --> 00:14:03,470 Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help 213 00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:05,947 But the English language had deteriorated... 214 00:14:06,051 --> 00:14:11,148 Into a hybrid ofhillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts 215 00:14:11,255 --> 00:14:14,692 - Joe was able to understand them... - [ Indistinct ] 216 00:14:14,793 --> 00:14:18,159 but when he spoke in an ordinary voice... 217 00:14:18,263 --> 00:14:20,856 he sounded pompous and faggy to them 218 00:14:37,081 --> 00:14:40,448 [ Man On R.A . Raging Doc-[ Slurring ] 219 00:14:44,054 --> 00:14:46,990 Report to, uh- 220 00:14:47,091 --> 00:14:51,495 Dr Lueboo... 221 00:14:51,595 --> 00:14:52,823 uh, report 222 00:14:52,931 --> 00:14:55,797 - Your floor-Your floor is now clean. - [ Beeping ] 223 00:14:55,899 --> 00:14:58,129 Your floor- Your floor is now clean. 224 00:14:58,235 --> 00:15:00,601 Your floor- Your floor is now clean 225 00:15:00,705 --> 00:15:05,836 Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment, and I'm not feeling so well. 226 00:15:05,943 --> 00:15:08,538 I think it might have been the drugs they had me on. 227 00:15:08,647 --> 00:15:10,773 I've been hallucinating. 228 00:15:10,881 --> 00:15:13,350 My head is just killin'me 229 00:15:13,451 --> 00:15:16,476 My-My-My joints are all achy and I- 230 00:15:18,222 --> 00:15:20,123 Is this a hospital or- 231 00:15:20,225 --> 00:15:24,355 - Actually, I don't even know where I am - [ Beeps ] 232 00:15:24,461 --> 00:15:26,692 [ Electronic Voice] Rlease proceed to the diagnostic area on the right... 233 00:15:26,797 --> 00:15:31,131 - and have a healthy dayI - Oh. Thanks. 234 00:15:31,235 --> 00:15:32,999 Thank youI 235 00:15:44,115 --> 00:15:48,211 Uh, scuse me. I think this might be Gatorade or somethin'. 236 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,220 - I was just looking for some regular water. - Water? 237 00:15:51,322 --> 00:15:54,349 - Yeah. - You mean like in the toilet? What for? 238 00:15:54,458 --> 00:15:57,360 You know,just to drink. 239 00:15:59,297 --> 00:16:01,527 [ Laughing ] 240 00:16:01,633 --> 00:16:05,432 [ Continues Laughing ] 241 00:16:05,537 --> 00:16:07,402 - [ Electronic Tune] - [ Electronic Voice] You've got hepatitisI 242 00:16:07,504 --> 00:16:10,269 Oh, is someone not feeling well? 243 00:16:10,374 --> 00:16:13,936 Your illness is very important to us 244 00:16:14,044 --> 00:16:16,912 - [ Man ] Next - [ Electronic Voice] Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno... 245 00:16:17,014 --> 00:16:19,039 - powered byJorm/ Technology - Uh, this goes in your mouth. 246 00:16:19,149 --> 00:16:24,587 This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt. 247 00:16:27,359 --> 00:16:28,552 Come on. 248 00:16:28,659 --> 00:16:31,561 - Hurry up, assholeI - Come onI 249 00:16:33,365 --> 00:16:35,595 - [ Beeping ] - Shit. Hang on a second. 250 00:16:37,369 --> 00:16:39,802 This one- No. 251 00:16:39,903 --> 00:16:41,735 - Hey, come on. - Uh- 252 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,037 - Hurry up! - This one. This one goes in your mouth. 253 00:16:47,412 --> 00:16:49,312 Come on! 254 00:16:54,852 --> 00:16:57,879 [ Electronic Voice] Thank you for waiting Dr Lexus will be with you shortly 255 00:17:03,427 --> 00:17:06,225 That's a weird misprint 256 00:17:07,564 --> 00:17:11,433 Hey. How's it hang, ese? 257 00:17:11,535 --> 00:17:15,233 Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know. 258 00:17:15,340 --> 00:17:18,331 I don't really know what's going on, but I'm seein' things. 259 00:17:18,443 --> 00:17:21,343 I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on. 260 00:17:21,446 --> 00:17:25,142 But, if you could, uh,just get me well enough to get back to base- 261 00:17:25,250 --> 00:17:27,911 Right. Kick ass. 262 00:17:28,018 --> 00:17:31,147 Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin'... 263 00:17:31,255 --> 00:17:34,089 but, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up. 264 00:17:34,192 --> 00:17:37,684 You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded 265 00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:42,165 What I'd do is just like, like, you know... 266 00:17:42,266 --> 00:17:45,703 like,you know what I mean? Like- [ Chuckles ] 267 00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:50,070 - No, I'm serious here. - [ Chuckles ] Don't worry, scrot. 268 00:17:50,175 --> 00:17:53,200 Now there are plenty of'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. 269 00:17:53,311 --> 00:17:56,677 My first wife was tarded She's a pilot now 270 00:17:56,781 --> 00:18:00,648 I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help. 271 00:18:00,752 --> 00:18:02,514 There's that fag talk we talked about. 272 00:18:02,620 --> 00:18:06,454 All right, so that'll be... this many dollars 273 00:18:06,558 --> 00:18:10,619 And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit 274 00:18:10,727 --> 00:18:14,664 That's weird. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine. 275 00:18:14,765 --> 00:18:18,827 - What are the odds of- - Where's your tattoo? Tattoo? 276 00:18:18,937 --> 00:18:21,700 Why don't you have this? 277 00:18:24,408 --> 00:18:26,309 Oh, God. 278 00:18:28,979 --> 00:18:31,471 - Where's your tattoo? - Oh, my God. 279 00:18:31,582 --> 00:18:34,051 Why come you don't have a tattoo? 280 00:18:35,652 --> 00:18:38,713 - [Joe] Oh, my GodI - You're not unscannable, are you? 281 00:18:39,957 --> 00:18:42,152 Oh, my God! 282 00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:45,696 - You're unscannable. - [ Alarm Wailing ] 283 00:18:45,796 --> 00:18:48,594 - Unscannable! - No! No, you don't understand! 284 00:18:48,699 --> 00:18:51,260 You gotta let me talk to someone in the armyI Wait a second 285 00:18:51,369 --> 00:18:54,202 They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead! 286 00:18:54,304 --> 00:18:56,033 Oh, my God! Oh! 287 00:18:56,139 --> 00:18:58,004 - [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ] 288 00:18:58,109 --> 00:19:01,272 - No! Stop! Calm down! - Calm down! Calm down! 289 00:19:01,379 --> 00:19:03,540 - How'd this happen? - How did it happen? 290 00:19:03,648 --> 00:19:06,879 - [ Alarm Continues ] - Your floor is now clean 291 00:19:06,985 --> 00:19:09,248 Your floor is now clean. 292 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:33,577 [ Narrator] Joe had awakened to a world in crisis 293 00:19:33,677 --> 00:19:36,908 The economy was in a state of deep neglect 294 00:19:37,014 --> 00:19:40,473 A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies 295 00:19:40,584 --> 00:19:45,419 And the number one movie in the country was called Ass. 296 00:19:45,523 --> 00:19:47,114 [ All Laughing ] 297 00:19:47,225 --> 00:19:50,352 And that's all it was for 90 minutes 298 00:19:50,460 --> 00:19:52,428 [ Movie: Farting ] 299 00:19:52,530 --> 00:19:57,627 It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay 300 00:20:01,706 --> 00:20:04,800 [ Electronic Voice ] Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries. 301 00:20:04,908 --> 00:20:07,900 You didn't gimme no fries. I got an empty box. 302 00:20:08,012 --> 00:20:10,844 Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries? 303 00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:12,643 I said I didn't get any. 304 00:20:12,750 --> 00:20:14,614 [ Electronic Voice] Thank you Your account has been charged 305 00:20:14,718 --> 00:20:16,619 Your balance is zero. 306 00:20:16,721 --> 00:20:20,213 - What? Oh, no. No! - Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 307 00:20:20,324 --> 00:20:22,225 - [ Beeping ] - I'm sorry you're having trouble. 308 00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:24,851 - Come on! My kids are starvin'. - I'm sorry you're having trouble. 309 00:20:24,963 --> 00:20:27,261 [ Buzzes ] 310 00:20:27,364 --> 00:20:29,856 This should help you calm down. 311 00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:32,834 Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 312 00:20:32,937 --> 00:20:38,136 Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry. 313 00:20:38,242 --> 00:20:43,202 You are an unfit mother Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr 314 00:20:43,313 --> 00:20:46,340 Carl's Jr. "Fuck you. I'm eating." 315 00:20:47,685 --> 00:20:49,515 Welcome to Carl's Jr. 316 00:20:49,620 --> 00:20:53,216 Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco... 317 00:20:53,323 --> 00:20:55,883 now with more molecules? 318 00:20:55,994 --> 00:20:58,985 HeyI Is this particular individual the unfit mother? 319 00:20:59,097 --> 00:21:03,033 - Me? No. - Okay. This particular individual is unscannable. 320 00:21:06,404 --> 00:21:08,668 Listen, I can explain, okay? I was in an army experiment. 321 00:21:11,575 --> 00:21:14,169 Wait a second There's the other pod from the army experiment 322 00:21:14,277 --> 00:21:16,542 There was a girl She was from the same experiment 323 00:21:16,648 --> 00:21:20,014 - Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir. - [ Groaning ] 324 00:21:20,118 --> 00:21:22,142 [ Narrator] Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill... 325 00:21:22,253 --> 00:21:25,688 and not having his U.P .C tattoo 326 00:21:25,790 --> 00:21:31,091 He would soon discover that in the future,justice was not only blind... 327 00:21:31,195 --> 00:21:34,995 but had become rather retarded as well 328 00:21:35,099 --> 00:21:38,068 You shut up! Now- [ Clears Throat ] 329 00:21:39,771 --> 00:21:42,501 I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here. 330 00:21:42,607 --> 00:21:47,236 We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here 331 00:21:47,344 --> 00:21:51,508 Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money... 332 00:21:51,616 --> 00:21:54,948 we have "proprietarily" obtained for you... 333 00:21:55,052 --> 00:21:58,887 one of them court-appointed lawyers 334 00:21:58,989 --> 00:22:04,017 So, put your hands together and give it up for Frito Rendejo 335 00:22:04,128 --> 00:22:05,857 You're my lawyer? 336 00:22:05,963 --> 00:22:10,296 Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital? 337 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,801 - Why'd you do that? - Yeah. I'm not guilty. 338 00:22:12,904 --> 00:22:15,702 - That's not what the other lawyer said. - What do you mean what the- 339 00:22:15,806 --> 00:22:17,774 Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay? 340 00:22:17,875 --> 00:22:20,867 I can explain everything. We can take em to your house, show em the pod. 341 00:22:20,977 --> 00:22:23,242 Shut upI Shut upI Shut upI 342 00:22:23,347 --> 00:22:26,783 Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it? 343 00:22:26,883 --> 00:22:29,909 Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him. 344 00:22:30,021 --> 00:22:32,455 [ All Laughing ] 345 00:22:32,556 --> 00:22:35,549 - He talks like a fag too. - [ Laughing Continues ] 346 00:22:35,659 --> 00:22:39,357 And "B", we've got all this, like, evidence... 347 00:22:39,464 --> 00:22:42,398 of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital. 348 00:22:42,500 --> 00:22:45,435 And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo 349 00:22:45,535 --> 00:22:47,800 - [ Crowd Grumbling ] - I know! 350 00:22:47,905 --> 00:22:51,431 And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me." But check this out, man. 351 00:22:51,542 --> 00:22:54,443 Judge should be like, "Guilty." Peace. 352 00:22:54,544 --> 00:22:57,139 [ Crowd Cheering ] 353 00:22:59,550 --> 00:23:02,849 - Objection! - What are you objectifyin' on? 354 00:23:02,954 --> 00:23:05,217 - Come on.Just get me on the stand. - Okay. 355 00:23:06,256 --> 00:23:08,986 - Um, Your Honor? - Hmm? 356 00:23:09,092 --> 00:23:10,924 I object... 357 00:23:11,027 --> 00:23:15,021 that this guy also broke my apartment to shit. 358 00:23:15,132 --> 00:23:17,123 - Yeah - What? 359 00:23:17,235 --> 00:23:21,763 And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me... 360 00:23:21,872 --> 00:23:25,001 after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospitalI 361 00:23:25,109 --> 00:23:27,100 Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer. 362 00:23:27,210 --> 00:23:29,145 And I object. 363 00:23:29,246 --> 00:23:33,114 I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow! My Balls! 364 00:23:33,216 --> 00:23:37,677 - [ All Booing ] - That is not okay! And I rest my case! 365 00:23:37,789 --> 00:23:40,188 Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir. 366 00:23:40,291 --> 00:23:43,658 - I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up. - [ All Laughing ] 367 00:23:43,761 --> 00:23:46,228 - Please, listen. - "Please, listen." 368 00:23:46,330 --> 00:23:48,059 - [ All Laughing ] - I didn't steal anything. 369 00:23:48,166 --> 00:23:50,065 I was part of an army experiment- 370 00:23:50,168 --> 00:23:53,159 [ Narrator] Joe stated his case logically and passionately... 371 00:23:53,271 --> 00:23:58,368 but his perceived effeminate voice only drew big gales of stupid laughter 372 00:23:58,475 --> 00:24:00,137 - Guilty! - [ Crowd Cheering ] 373 00:24:00,244 --> 00:24:04,873 Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiff sentence 374 00:24:04,982 --> 00:24:09,680 Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession... 375 00:24:09,786 --> 00:24:13,023 was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons 376 00:24:13,023 --> 00:24:13,888 was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons 377 00:24:13,991 --> 00:24:17,722 [ Female Voice ] Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance. 378 00:24:17,829 --> 00:24:20,195 Please say the name of the person you wish to call. 379 00:24:20,298 --> 00:24:22,129 Upgrayedd. 380 00:24:23,266 --> 00:24:27,829 There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd. 381 00:24:27,938 --> 00:24:30,203 Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection. 382 00:24:30,308 --> 00:24:32,207 - Man, what? - Oh, yeah, baby. 383 00:24:32,310 --> 00:24:34,777 Hey, look, can you just- can you wait a second, please? 384 00:24:34,879 --> 00:24:39,247 Oh, yeah, baby. I can wait so good. 385 00:24:40,283 --> 00:24:42,217 Really? 386 00:24:43,521 --> 00:24:45,852 Think, uh-You think maybe you could wait a day? 387 00:24:45,956 --> 00:24:48,083 Baby, I can wait two days. 388 00:24:48,192 --> 00:24:52,754 Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour. 389 00:24:52,863 --> 00:24:56,800 Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby. 390 00:24:56,900 --> 00:24:58,801 Thank you very much, young man. 391 00:25:01,071 --> 00:25:02,733 What the fuck? 392 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,364 Goddamn, shit's changed in a year. 393 00:25:07,378 --> 00:25:09,277 What are we doin' here? 394 00:25:09,379 --> 00:25:11,870 Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo. 395 00:25:14,886 --> 00:25:18,049 [ Electronic Voice ] Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America. 396 00:25:18,155 --> 00:25:22,819 Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle. 397 00:25:23,927 --> 00:25:25,828 - Thank you. - [ Mechanical Whirring ] 398 00:25:25,929 --> 00:25:29,889 Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card- 399 00:25:30,001 --> 00:25:33,401 - Document number G2 4L8. - I'm not sure if- 400 00:25:33,504 --> 00:25:37,496 You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure? 401 00:25:37,608 --> 00:25:39,507 - No, it's not correct. - [ Dings ] 402 00:25:39,610 --> 00:25:43,205 Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct? 403 00:25:43,313 --> 00:25:45,339 - No, it's not. My name is Joe- - [ Beeping ] 404 00:25:45,448 --> 00:25:47,280 You've already confirmed your first name is Not. 405 00:25:47,385 --> 00:25:51,014 - Rlease confirm your last name, Sure. - My- 406 00:25:51,121 --> 00:25:53,522 - My last name is not Sure. - [ Dings ] 407 00:25:53,623 --> 00:25:56,252 - Thank you, Not Sure - No. What I mean is my name is Joe. 408 00:25:56,360 --> 00:26:01,696 Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm. 409 00:26:03,801 --> 00:26:06,633 - Wait a second. Can we start over? Can I cancel this? - [ Buzzing ] 410 00:26:06,736 --> 00:26:09,170 Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning? 411 00:26:09,273 --> 00:26:12,504 They're gonna tat- Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor? 412 00:26:12,610 --> 00:26:15,636 - Ow! - Please hold still for your photograph. 413 00:26:17,314 --> 00:26:20,773 - [ Whirring ] - [ Beeping ] 414 00:26:25,156 --> 00:26:27,716 Oh, that's fuckin' great. 415 00:26:30,261 --> 00:26:32,160 Okay, sir... 416 00:26:32,263 --> 00:26:36,597 now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests. 417 00:26:36,700 --> 00:26:38,635 What for? 418 00:26:38,735 --> 00:26:42,967 Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at... 419 00:26:43,073 --> 00:26:48,205 and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail 420 00:26:48,312 --> 00:26:51,246 [ Electronic Voice ] If you have one bucket that holds two gallons... 421 00:26:51,349 --> 00:26:53,908 and another bucket that holds five gallons... 422 00:26:54,017 --> 00:26:56,782 how many buckets do you have? 423 00:26:58,723 --> 00:27:00,622 Two? 424 00:27:00,725 --> 00:27:02,693 Thank you. 425 00:27:10,467 --> 00:27:13,402 [ Man Singing ] 426 00:27:22,612 --> 00:27:25,878 [ Continues ] 427 00:27:42,666 --> 00:27:44,633 'Too. 428 00:27:50,373 --> 00:27:52,569 [ Continues ] 429 00:27:55,579 --> 00:27:57,739 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 430 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:07,049 [ Ends ] 431 00:28:07,158 --> 00:28:09,820 [ Narrator] Desperate and scared... 432 00:28:09,927 --> 00:28:12,725 Joe used his superior intelligence... 433 00:28:12,830 --> 00:28:15,731 to come up with the best escape plan he could think of 434 00:28:15,832 --> 00:28:21,465 Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir. 435 00:28:22,673 --> 00:28:24,732 Yeah. 436 00:28:24,841 --> 00:28:27,776 You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there. 437 00:28:27,878 --> 00:28:31,177 I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry. 438 00:28:31,282 --> 00:28:32,943 Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through. 439 00:28:34,651 --> 00:28:36,620 [ Beeping ] 440 00:28:39,956 --> 00:28:42,516 [ Warning Buzzer Buzzing ] 441 00:28:42,626 --> 00:28:44,593 [ Door Closes ] 442 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,696 - Too. - Yeah. Got it. 443 00:28:52,802 --> 00:28:54,997 [ Beeping ] 444 00:28:55,106 --> 00:29:00,475 Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here. So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison. 445 00:29:00,578 --> 00:29:02,477 Could you check again? 446 00:29:02,580 --> 00:29:05,639 'Cause, I was, you know- I was definitely in prison, okay? 447 00:29:05,748 --> 00:29:09,685 I got sat on my face and everything. Maybe check those files back there? 448 00:29:16,260 --> 00:29:20,525 - [ Alarm Blaring ] - [ Electronic Voice] "Excape. Excape." 449 00:29:20,630 --> 00:29:23,190 "Excape. Excape." 450 00:29:23,300 --> 00:29:27,065 "Excape. Excape." 451 00:29:29,974 --> 00:29:32,408 [ Man Singing ] 452 00:29:39,817 --> 00:29:42,046 [ Ends ] 453 00:29:44,420 --> 00:29:46,321 [ Man ] The Masturbation Network. 454 00:29:46,422 --> 00:29:49,915 Keepin' America 'batin' for 300 years. 455 00:29:50,026 --> 00:29:52,723 - And now, Sweet Bang Tube - [ Squeaking On TV] 456 00:29:52,830 --> 00:29:57,597 - Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece. - [ Squeaking Continues ] 457 00:29:57,700 --> 00:29:59,691 - Oh,yeah, that's- - [ Knocking ] 458 00:29:59,802 --> 00:30:01,703 Go away! 'Batin'! 459 00:30:01,804 --> 00:30:03,705 [ Knocking Continues ] 460 00:30:03,806 --> 00:30:06,002 Damn it. 461 00:30:06,110 --> 00:30:08,600 - [ Knocking ] - All right. 462 00:30:10,613 --> 00:30:13,549 Hey. Hey, get out of here. Hey, get out of here! 463 00:30:13,650 --> 00:30:17,746 No, wait, listen. You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail. 464 00:30:17,854 --> 00:30:21,222 So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house. 465 00:30:21,324 --> 00:30:24,260 Hey, I could have you disbarred- disbarred- for what you did to me. 466 00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:27,023 Then maybe you'd go to jail for not havin' any money. 467 00:30:27,130 --> 00:30:29,224 Oh, really? 468 00:30:29,332 --> 00:30:32,631 Yeah, really. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal. 469 00:30:32,735 --> 00:30:34,726 I've been thinking. It's been 500 years. 470 00:30:34,838 --> 00:30:37,806 Someone has to have invented a way to travel back in time by now. 471 00:30:37,908 --> 00:30:40,809 You know, I think they were pretty close even in my day. You know? 472 00:30:40,910 --> 00:30:42,811 - With Einstein and guys like that? - Uh-huh. 473 00:30:42,912 --> 00:30:45,473 - You know, scientists? You know? - Uh. 474 00:30:46,817 --> 00:30:48,716 A time machine, for time travel. 475 00:30:48,819 --> 00:30:51,446 - Do they have one? - What? 476 00:30:53,657 --> 00:30:55,648 [ Tires Squealing, Car Crashing In Distance] 477 00:30:55,758 --> 00:30:59,660 Jesus. I knew that was too much to hope for. 478 00:31:00,764 --> 00:31:02,890 No, no, they got a time machine. 479 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:04,899 - They do? - Yeah. 480 00:31:05,002 --> 00:31:06,901 - Are-Are-Are you sure? - Yeah 481 00:31:07,004 --> 00:31:10,838 - Can it get me back to 2005? - Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive. 482 00:31:10,940 --> 00:31:14,171 And it breaks all the time cause some smart guy made it a long time ago. 483 00:31:14,277 --> 00:31:16,438 I don't care. Just get me there, okay? 484 00:31:16,546 --> 00:31:18,014 - Well- - Please! 485 00:31:18,114 --> 00:31:21,346 Listen, I- I- I "supersize" with you... 486 00:31:21,452 --> 00:31:24,216 but didn't you go to jail for not havin'enough money? 487 00:31:24,321 --> 00:31:28,450 Okay, how about this? You get me to the time machine, and when I get back... 488 00:31:28,559 --> 00:31:30,550 I open a savings account in your name. 489 00:31:30,660 --> 00:31:33,186 That way, 500 years later, it'll be worth billions. 490 00:31:33,296 --> 00:31:34,821 - BillionsI - 'Cause? 491 00:31:34,931 --> 00:31:37,764 'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars. 492 00:31:37,868 --> 00:31:40,427 - Oh, I- I like money. - Yeah. 493 00:31:40,536 --> 00:31:43,529 - How many billions? - Like, 1 0. 494 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:46,803 Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20. 495 00:31:46,909 --> 00:31:49,707 Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito. 496 00:31:49,812 --> 00:31:52,975 Thirty billion dollars 497 00:31:53,082 --> 00:31:57,520 Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion... 498 00:31:57,620 --> 00:31:59,611 and the time machine's 20- 499 00:31:59,723 --> 00:32:01,657 What's the minus of 30 and 20? 500 00:32:01,758 --> 00:32:04,488 Uh, it's, uh- it's 80, Frito. 501 00:32:04,594 --> 00:32:07,120 It's $80 billion That's a mighty big minus, isn't it? 502 00:32:07,231 --> 00:32:10,962 - Yeah. I like money though. - [ Man ] RoliceI Open the doorI 503 00:32:11,068 --> 00:32:13,228 - [ Banging On Door] - We're looking for an "excaped" individual 504 00:32:13,337 --> 00:32:16,931 - This particular individual's name is Not Sure - Eighty billion. 505 00:32:17,041 --> 00:32:21,033 Oh, um, he- He's... somewhere else. 506 00:32:21,145 --> 00:32:25,478 - You got something I can wear? - Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle. 507 00:32:25,581 --> 00:32:27,708 [ Roliceman ] A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo 508 00:32:27,818 --> 00:32:30,581 Seemed to be heading for this particular domistile. 509 00:32:30,687 --> 00:32:33,088 - [ Banging ] - Okay, sir, we're comin'in 510 00:32:33,189 --> 00:32:35,487 - No, you can't come in. - Can tooI 511 00:32:35,591 --> 00:32:37,650 - Come on! - All right, let's go get my billions. 512 00:32:37,761 --> 00:32:39,853 [ Banging Continues ] 513 00:32:39,963 --> 00:32:44,023 Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find this girl, Rita, first, okay? 514 00:32:44,133 --> 00:32:46,898 - Is she bangin'? - Yeah, sure, she is. 515 00:32:47,004 --> 00:32:48,904 That wasn't really part of the deal. 516 00:32:49,005 --> 00:32:52,908 - Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right? - I like money. 517 00:32:53,010 --> 00:32:56,070 Okay, her pod's up here on the right. She shouldn't be far away, I hope. 518 00:32:56,179 --> 00:33:00,946 Mmm, girl Oh,yeah? So when we gonna do it? 519 00:33:01,051 --> 00:33:04,383 'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days. 520 00:33:04,487 --> 00:33:08,481 Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon. Hey, you know what? 521 00:33:08,591 --> 00:33:11,219 Why don't you come back tomorrow? 522 00:33:11,328 --> 00:33:13,956 - Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah! - Yeah? 523 00:33:14,063 --> 00:33:17,226 When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me. 524 00:33:17,333 --> 00:33:20,792 That's right. Whatever you say, sir. 525 00:33:20,904 --> 00:33:23,371 - Hey, you still on the clock! - Yeah, girl. 526 00:33:23,474 --> 00:33:26,601 - Thank you! - Rita! 527 00:33:26,709 --> 00:33:30,578 Rita! It's me,Joe, from the experiment. Get in the car! Come on. 528 00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,978 Oh, yeah! What the hell, man? 529 00:33:33,082 --> 00:33:34,983 Just get in the car. I'll explain everything. 530 00:33:35,084 --> 00:33:37,575 - Where we going? -Just get in the car. 531 00:33:37,687 --> 00:33:39,849 - Trust me. - What happened to those army guys? 532 00:33:42,725 --> 00:33:45,216 - [ Siren Blaring ] - Wait a minute. You got cops after you? 533 00:33:45,329 --> 00:33:48,957 - Yeah. - And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole! 534 00:33:49,065 --> 00:33:51,533 Frito, take a right here. Right, right! 535 00:33:51,635 --> 00:33:53,602 Into that dust storm, Frito 536 00:33:59,776 --> 00:34:01,835 [Joe] They must have just forgotten about us 537 00:34:01,945 --> 00:34:05,346 [ Rita ] It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, noI 538 00:34:05,449 --> 00:34:09,647 Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money! 539 00:34:09,752 --> 00:34:11,846 So, you owe your boyfriend money? 540 00:34:11,955 --> 00:34:14,446 Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too. 541 00:34:14,558 --> 00:34:18,357 You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit 542 00:34:18,462 --> 00:34:23,797 Look, Rita, you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now. 543 00:34:23,900 --> 00:34:26,699 - Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right? - Yeah. 544 00:34:26,804 --> 00:34:30,330 Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past... 545 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,841 but there was no time machine back then, so- 546 00:34:32,942 --> 00:34:35,877 Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is. Now, then, last week- 547 00:34:35,978 --> 00:34:38,947 He will find a way to come get his money! 548 00:34:39,049 --> 00:34:42,143 - All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it- - You know what? 549 00:34:42,252 --> 00:34:44,812 Last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago... 550 00:34:44,922 --> 00:34:47,288 when you were trying to tell me to get into some coffin. 551 00:34:47,391 --> 00:34:49,382 - Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay? - [ Buzzing ] 552 00:34:49,493 --> 00:34:52,792 But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay? I promise you. 553 00:34:52,895 --> 00:34:56,456 [ Electronic Voice] You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure 554 00:34:56,567 --> 00:35:00,196 Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger. 555 00:35:00,304 --> 00:35:03,205 - Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here. - Thank you for your help 556 00:35:03,306 --> 00:35:05,536 If you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail. 557 00:35:05,641 --> 00:35:08,634 You don't want to get thrown in the jails here. I've been in them. 558 00:35:08,745 --> 00:35:11,475 They're bad. You're better off being with us, as bad as that sounds. 559 00:35:11,581 --> 00:35:15,574 - What are you doing? Why are we slowing down? - Turned off my battery. 560 00:35:20,022 --> 00:35:23,480 Look, how far is it? Can we just take a cab or something? 561 00:35:23,594 --> 00:35:27,223 [ Machine-gun Fire] 562 00:35:27,330 --> 00:35:28,592 Oh, shit. 563 00:35:34,804 --> 00:35:36,431 [ Explosion ] 564 00:35:36,540 --> 00:35:39,167 Oh! Oh, shit! 565 00:35:39,275 --> 00:35:41,505 - [ Cheering ] - Yeah! 566 00:35:41,612 --> 00:35:44,911 What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car 567 00:35:46,116 --> 00:35:49,846 [ Frito ] Oh, hell,yeahI He's on fireI 568 00:35:49,953 --> 00:35:51,750 Come on! Let's get out of here. 569 00:36:01,230 --> 00:36:03,221 [ Rita ] Hey, how much farther is it? 570 00:36:04,534 --> 00:36:07,368 Uh, it's, like, far. 571 00:36:07,471 --> 00:36:10,906 Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know? 572 00:36:11,007 --> 00:36:14,569 Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job,Joe. 573 00:36:17,681 --> 00:36:20,241 574 00:36:20,350 --> 00:36:23,342 Man, he don't seem too bright You sure he knows where he's going? 575 00:36:23,453 --> 00:36:25,647 I sure hope so. He's our only chance. 576 00:36:25,755 --> 00:36:29,283 - - How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway? 577 00:36:29,393 --> 00:36:33,659 He's my lawyer. And he's not a very good one either. 578 00:36:33,763 --> 00:36:36,324 [Joe] He's a goddamned idiot 579 00:36:36,433 --> 00:36:41,234 There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine. 580 00:36:59,522 --> 00:37:03,219 Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing. 581 00:37:03,326 --> 00:37:06,728 He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars if he takes us there. 582 00:37:06,830 --> 00:37:10,960 So if he mentions anything about a savings account,just play along, okay? 583 00:37:11,067 --> 00:37:12,967 Yeah, what if this time machine don't work? 584 00:37:13,069 --> 00:37:16,368 Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it. 585 00:37:21,143 --> 00:37:26,672 Welcome to Costco. I love you. Welcome to Costco. I love you. 586 00:37:27,784 --> 00:37:30,150 Welcome to Costco. I love you. 587 00:37:30,252 --> 00:37:32,152 - [ Goats Bleating ] - [ Duck Quacking ] 588 00:37:32,255 --> 00:37:36,054 Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here. 589 00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:46,333 [ Rita ] We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going? 590 00:37:46,435 --> 00:37:49,927 Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here. 591 00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:51,973 In Costco? 592 00:37:52,074 --> 00:37:54,475 Yeah I couldn't believe it myself 593 00:37:54,578 --> 00:37:58,241 Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings 594 00:37:59,683 --> 00:38:02,480 Hey, come on,Joe I already told you... 595 00:38:02,585 --> 00:38:05,679 we'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it 596 00:38:15,431 --> 00:38:17,331 [ Woman ] Hey, baby, wanna go out? 597 00:38:17,433 --> 00:38:19,993 Wanna go out, honey? 598 00:38:26,710 --> 00:38:29,337 Shuttle comes every few minutes. Shouldn't be long. 599 00:38:29,446 --> 00:38:33,176 - Do I got time to use the bathroom? - [ Laughing ] 600 00:38:33,283 --> 00:38:35,273 [ Imitates Farting, Chuckles ] 601 00:38:35,384 --> 00:38:38,080 - [ Frito ] Uh, the toilet - Be right back. 602 00:38:38,989 --> 00:38:41,456 Yeah, back that thing up. 603 00:38:41,558 --> 00:38:43,855 - Hey, you mind if I pound on that,Joe? - What? 604 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:45,790 - I like having sex with chicks. - Yeah? 605 00:38:45,895 --> 00:38:47,795 - Yeah. - I think everybody does, Frito. 606 00:38:47,897 --> 00:38:51,264 Not like I do. Like when you get it like this, sideways. 607 00:38:51,368 --> 00:38:53,893 Then you just, like, back it up. And then you- 608 00:38:54,004 --> 00:38:56,199 - That's real good - Then you- Oh,yeahI 609 00:38:56,306 --> 00:38:58,398 Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay? 610 00:38:58,507 --> 00:39:00,408 - [ Alarm Blaring ] - [ Electronic Voice] WarningI WarningI 611 00:39:00,509 --> 00:39:03,034 Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 1 6,7 02 612 00:39:03,145 --> 00:39:05,580 Hey! What about Rita? We can't just leave her here. 613 00:39:05,681 --> 00:39:07,911 I don't care. Come on! 614 00:39:08,018 --> 00:39:12,386 - [ Sirens Wailing ] - Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do? 615 00:39:12,489 --> 00:39:14,422 Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do. 616 00:39:14,523 --> 00:39:17,288 We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past... 617 00:39:17,393 --> 00:39:19,328 I tell her not to do the experiment. 618 00:39:19,429 --> 00:39:21,623 - Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right? - Uh- 619 00:39:21,732 --> 00:39:23,699 - No, wait. - [ Electronic Voice] Rlease stand clear of the doors 620 00:39:23,799 --> 00:39:26,598 She already is here. That must mean I didn't go back in time, right? 621 00:39:26,703 --> 00:39:29,900 - Uh- - No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet. 622 00:39:30,005 --> 00:39:32,804 Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment. 623 00:39:32,909 --> 00:39:35,469 Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here. 624 00:39:35,578 --> 00:39:37,978 - Then I won't have to come back and save her, right? - I- 625 00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:40,743 - But then, wait. Why am I still here? - Uh- 626 00:39:40,851 --> 00:39:42,819 Goddamn, how does this time travel work? 627 00:39:42,918 --> 00:39:46,786 - Rlease stand clear - [ Policeman ] Freeze! Hands up! Don't move! 628 00:39:46,889 --> 00:39:49,585 - Put your hands up! - Don't move! Freeze! 629 00:39:59,735 --> 00:40:02,795 Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail... 630 00:40:02,906 --> 00:40:05,636 just go ahead and shoot me, 'cause there's no way- 631 00:40:05,741 --> 00:40:09,007 Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow! 632 00:40:09,112 --> 00:40:13,605 - What? - Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow. 633 00:40:13,717 --> 00:40:15,650 - [ Roliceman ] What? - [ Spraying ] 634 00:40:15,752 --> 00:40:17,982 - [Joe] OwI GodI Hey, stopI - Damn it. 635 00:40:19,922 --> 00:40:23,620 - [Joe] What is this? - [ Roliceman ] Okay, sir, this is the White House 636 00:40:23,726 --> 00:40:26,025 - What are we doing at the White House? - What? 637 00:40:26,129 --> 00:40:28,426 - [ Spraying ] - OwI OwI GoddamnI 638 00:40:28,531 --> 00:40:31,989 [ Narrator] It turned out the results ofJoe's I.Q test... 639 00:40:32,101 --> 00:40:36,197 had caught the attention of the highest levels of government 640 00:40:36,306 --> 00:40:40,469 Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who? 641 00:40:40,576 --> 00:40:42,670 The I.Q. test you took in prison. 642 00:40:42,779 --> 00:40:45,542 You got the highest score in history. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 643 00:40:45,648 --> 00:40:48,549 Yeah, dumb ass,you're even smarter than Rresident Camacho 644 00:40:48,652 --> 00:40:51,415 That's how come he's making you secretary of interior. 645 00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:53,489 Okay, so who are you? 646 00:40:53,589 --> 00:40:55,319 I'm the secretary of energy. 647 00:40:55,424 --> 00:40:58,087 He won a contest. Got to be a cabinet member. 648 00:40:58,194 --> 00:41:01,995 I'm the secretary of state. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 649 00:41:02,098 --> 00:41:05,362 - Why do you keep saying that? - Cause they pay me every time I do. 650 00:41:05,467 --> 00:41:09,335 It's a really good way to make money. You're so smart, why don't you know that? 651 00:41:09,438 --> 00:41:10,996 [ All Chuckling ] 652 00:41:11,107 --> 00:41:13,667 - He's the secretary of defense. - Hi. 653 00:41:13,777 --> 00:41:16,746 And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general. 654 00:41:16,846 --> 00:41:19,179 [ Whispers ] Hi. 655 00:41:19,281 --> 00:41:21,442 And that's the secretary of education. 656 00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:26,886 He's kinda stupid, but he's Rresident Camacho's stepbrother 657 00:41:26,989 --> 00:41:29,219 Still, he does a pretty good job, eh? 658 00:41:29,326 --> 00:41:32,886 You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake... 659 00:41:32,996 --> 00:41:36,453 'cause the test I took was real, real easy. 660 00:41:36,565 --> 00:41:40,558 I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Okay? 661 00:41:44,875 --> 00:41:48,833 Okay, even if that were true, I can't be the secretary of the interior. 662 00:41:48,944 --> 00:41:52,402 - I don't even know what it is. - [ Secretary of State] You better find out 663 00:41:52,514 --> 00:41:55,382 - Sit down. It's President Camacho. - Hey, hey, hey, yo... 664 00:41:55,484 --> 00:41:59,444 I gotta take care of some "bidness", baby, so I need y'all to wait outside 665 00:41:59,556 --> 00:42:04,493 [ Narrator] Dwayne Elizondo Camacho, five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion... 666 00:42:04,594 --> 00:42:08,552 porn superstar, and president of the United States... 667 00:42:08,665 --> 00:42:12,065 had called a special summit with the smartest man in the world 668 00:42:12,167 --> 00:42:14,795 - So you smart, huh? - No, no. 669 00:42:18,241 --> 00:42:21,404 - I thought your head would be bigger. - [ Muttering ] 670 00:42:24,380 --> 00:42:26,507 Goddamn. 671 00:42:26,616 --> 00:42:28,982 - It look like a peanut. - [ All Laughing ] 672 00:42:29,085 --> 00:42:31,018 Let's get you sworn in. 673 00:42:39,094 --> 00:42:42,063 [ Rock Instrumental ] 674 00:42:45,902 --> 00:42:49,268 [ Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, the president of AmericaI 675 00:42:49,371 --> 00:42:51,464 [ Crowd Cheering ] 676 00:42:52,875 --> 00:42:55,344 [ Announcer] Rresident CamachoI 677 00:42:56,379 --> 00:42:59,143 [ Laughing ] Shut up. 678 00:42:59,248 --> 00:43:03,310 - Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. - [ Ends ] 679 00:43:03,420 --> 00:43:04,978 Chill out. 680 00:43:09,225 --> 00:43:10,658 Shit. 681 00:43:12,962 --> 00:43:16,125 I know shit's bad right now with all that staryin'bullshit 682 00:43:16,232 --> 00:43:17,967 And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings. 683 00:43:17,967 --> 00:43:20,801 And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings. 684 00:43:20,904 --> 00:43:22,531 [ Man ] Yeah! 685 00:43:22,638 --> 00:43:25,540 - But I got a solution. - That's what you said last time, dipshit! 686 00:43:25,641 --> 00:43:27,542 I got a solution You're a dickI 687 00:43:27,643 --> 00:43:30,237 - South Carolina, "whassup?" - [ All Cheering ] 688 00:43:37,687 --> 00:43:40,917 That's what I thought! 689 00:43:43,726 --> 00:43:46,991 Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now... 690 00:43:47,096 --> 00:43:49,621 but listen up. 691 00:43:49,732 --> 00:43:52,496 I got a three-point plan to fix everything. 692 00:43:52,601 --> 00:43:54,092 [ Man ] Break it down, CamachoI 693 00:43:54,203 --> 00:43:59,402 Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure. 694 00:43:59,509 --> 00:44:04,344 - Number two, he's got a higher I.Q than any man alive - [ Cheering ] 695 00:44:04,447 --> 00:44:08,746 - And number three, he's gonna fix everything - [ Applause] 696 00:44:08,851 --> 00:44:12,083 I give you my word as president 697 00:44:12,188 --> 00:44:14,712 He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops. 698 00:44:14,824 --> 00:44:17,223 He's gonna make 'em grow again. 699 00:44:17,326 --> 00:44:22,286 - Crops? - And that ain't all I give you my word 700 00:44:22,398 --> 00:44:24,263 [ Electric Guitar] 701 00:44:24,366 --> 00:44:27,426 He's gonna fix the dust storms too. 702 00:44:29,172 --> 00:44:31,766 I give you my word. 703 00:44:31,875 --> 00:44:35,402 He's gonna fix the "ecomony." 704 00:44:35,511 --> 00:44:37,411 [ Electric Guitar Continues ] 705 00:44:37,513 --> 00:44:40,277 And he's so smart... 706 00:44:40,382 --> 00:44:45,581 - he's gonna do it all in one week. - [ Crowd Cheering ] 707 00:44:45,688 --> 00:44:49,248 [ Narrator] Rresident Camacho stood before the world and promised everyone... 708 00:44:49,359 --> 00:44:52,953 thatJoe would solve all their problems 709 00:44:53,063 --> 00:44:57,226 He would not only end the dust bowl and heal the economy... 710 00:44:57,333 --> 00:44:59,960 but he would cure acne and carsickness as well 711 00:45:00,069 --> 00:45:02,333 And ifhe didn't... 712 00:45:02,438 --> 00:45:04,929 Rresident Camacho made another promise 713 00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:08,670 He would kick Joe's smart balls all the way up to the roof ofhis smart mouth 714 00:45:08,777 --> 00:45:12,942 - And then, he would throw his brainy ass back in jail - [ Shouting ] 715 00:45:17,353 --> 00:45:19,547 I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President. 716 00:45:19,656 --> 00:45:21,783 I don't know how to be secretary of anything. 717 00:45:21,891 --> 00:45:23,357 I mean, I've never even voted, actually. 718 00:45:23,460 --> 00:45:26,257 I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is. 719 00:45:26,362 --> 00:45:31,025 Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy. It beats jail, don't it? 720 00:45:31,134 --> 00:45:35,467 Besides, you do a kick-ass job... 721 00:45:35,572 --> 00:45:37,801 you get a full presidential pardon. 722 00:45:37,906 --> 00:45:39,806 - No jail time. [ Laughing ] - Yeah? 723 00:45:39,909 --> 00:45:43,538 Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer. 724 00:45:43,645 --> 00:45:45,705 And get you one too 725 00:45:47,616 --> 00:45:49,949 [ Laughing ] 726 00:45:51,587 --> 00:45:53,612 Shit! [ Laughing ] 727 00:45:53,723 --> 00:45:56,190 Hold on, vatoI 728 00:45:56,292 --> 00:45:58,020 - WhooI - [ Engine Revving ] 729 00:45:58,127 --> 00:46:01,221 [ Laughing ] 730 00:46:18,614 --> 00:46:20,741 - Do somethin' smart. - Yeah. 731 00:46:22,118 --> 00:46:25,746 Uh, okay. Uh- 732 00:46:25,855 --> 00:46:28,915 - I'll, uh- - [ Door Opens ] 733 00:46:29,025 --> 00:46:32,585 - Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted. - Oh, okay. Great, thanks. 734 00:46:32,694 --> 00:46:37,688 Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh,you know, confer with my counsel 735 00:46:37,799 --> 00:46:39,665 You understand? So I'll be right back 736 00:46:39,768 --> 00:46:43,136 Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff, get that taken care of. 737 00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:47,902 - Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here. - Sounds pretty smart. 738 00:46:48,011 --> 00:46:49,978 Wait here, okay? Wait there. 739 00:46:50,078 --> 00:46:52,911 Dude, this is trepidatious. You got me a room at the White House. 740 00:46:53,016 --> 00:46:54,984 Everyone gets laid at the White House. Everyone. 741 00:46:55,083 --> 00:46:56,710 - Yeah? - Yeah. 742 00:46:56,819 --> 00:47:00,255 I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito, but I brought you here to help me. 743 00:47:00,355 --> 00:47:03,018 I don't know the first thing about growin'crops... 744 00:47:03,125 --> 00:47:05,355 much less the goddamn "ecomony." 745 00:47:05,460 --> 00:47:07,395 Econ-Economy. 746 00:47:07,496 --> 00:47:10,431 Let's see. Growin' crops- 747 00:47:10,533 --> 00:47:14,196 No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine. 748 00:47:14,304 --> 00:47:18,467 Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff. 749 00:47:18,574 --> 00:47:20,600 It's, like- It's, like, by the museum... 750 00:47:20,710 --> 00:47:23,304 sort of, but, well, actually, not really. 751 00:47:23,413 --> 00:47:27,940 More like- But on the street. You go, um- Wait. Let me start over. 752 00:47:28,051 --> 00:47:29,915 Okay, you know where the time machine is? 753 00:47:30,018 --> 00:47:32,987 Hey.Just draw me a map, okay? 754 00:47:33,089 --> 00:47:35,717 You still want the money? 755 00:47:35,824 --> 00:47:38,658 Oh. If I had some money and a room at the White House... 756 00:47:38,761 --> 00:47:43,663 - I would be like, "It's mine, all night!" - Listen. Cut it out! 757 00:47:43,766 --> 00:47:46,563 Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay? 758 00:47:46,668 --> 00:47:48,898 - So act smart! - Smart like you? 759 00:47:49,005 --> 00:47:52,496 [ With Effeminate Voice] "Oh, I gotta go to the time machine I wanna go home." 760 00:47:52,609 --> 00:47:55,406 - I don't talk like that. - "I don't talk like that." 761 00:47:55,511 --> 00:47:57,444 Shit, I thought there was two of you. 762 00:47:57,547 --> 00:47:59,344 [ Laughs ] See? 763 00:47:59,449 --> 00:48:02,009 [ Secretary of Defense] Doesn't look that big, is it? 764 00:48:02,118 --> 00:48:05,246 Okay. Let's go take a look at those crops. 765 00:48:05,355 --> 00:48:09,348 Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area. 766 00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:13,656 All right? Hey, come on! 767 00:48:15,598 --> 00:48:20,159 Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. All right? 768 00:48:20,270 --> 00:48:23,603 Whoa. Did you just make that up? 769 00:48:23,705 --> 00:48:26,641 Yes, I did. Now look... 770 00:48:26,743 --> 00:48:29,337 I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately... 771 00:48:29,444 --> 00:48:31,844 - and Frito will give you a hand with it. - Why? 772 00:48:33,583 --> 00:48:38,714 Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be an essential... integral... asset... 773 00:48:38,821 --> 00:48:43,621 you know, for our team, for us to,you know, utilize 774 00:48:45,261 --> 00:48:49,129 [ All Laughing ] 775 00:48:50,266 --> 00:48:53,167 Utilize her! Utilize her! 776 00:48:53,268 --> 00:48:55,362 [ Secretary of State] UtilizeI 777 00:48:55,471 --> 00:48:58,531 - [ Laughing ] - Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right? 778 00:48:58,641 --> 00:49:01,337 Oh, yeah. Butt first! 779 00:49:01,444 --> 00:49:03,377 [ All Laughing ] 780 00:49:03,478 --> 00:49:06,181 - [ Secretary of Defense] Utilize herI - Okay. 781 00:49:11,821 --> 00:49:15,188 Dang! May I approach your benches? 782 00:49:20,797 --> 00:49:23,424 Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad. 783 00:49:23,533 --> 00:49:26,366 Frito, why don't you come over here and, uh, take a look at this? 784 00:49:26,469 --> 00:49:29,904 Come on Hustle over here, buddy I wanna figure this out 785 00:49:30,005 --> 00:49:33,806 See, uh,just not a lot of moisture. Have you got the map? 786 00:49:33,909 --> 00:49:35,877 - Oh, yeah. - Discreetly. 787 00:49:40,216 --> 00:49:42,980 - It's right there. - I see it. I see it. 788 00:49:43,085 --> 00:49:45,645 Stand up with me 789 00:49:45,755 --> 00:49:49,623 Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure. They found that whore you wanted. 790 00:49:49,726 --> 00:49:52,717 Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on. 791 00:49:52,828 --> 00:49:57,094 No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out. 792 00:49:57,199 --> 00:49:59,190 Don't worry though We'll get her out... 793 00:49:59,301 --> 00:50:02,601 on a work-release whorin' license as long as you're doin' her. 794 00:50:02,705 --> 00:50:05,902 Get your hands off me. What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field? 795 00:50:06,007 --> 00:50:08,339 What the fuck are you all starin' at? 796 00:50:08,444 --> 00:50:10,469 -Joe? - That's Not Sure, ma'am. 797 00:50:10,580 --> 00:50:14,482 - Secretary Not Sure. - Secretary? Secretary of what? 798 00:50:14,583 --> 00:50:19,179 Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together? Alone? 799 00:50:19,288 --> 00:50:23,690 You know, in the bushes? 800 00:50:25,427 --> 00:50:27,362 Oh, man. 801 00:50:28,397 --> 00:50:31,833 [ All Laughing ] 802 00:50:35,938 --> 00:50:39,498 - Fuck her,Joe! - Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out? 803 00:50:39,609 --> 00:50:41,634 No, thanks. I can handle it. Yeah. 804 00:50:41,743 --> 00:50:44,975 I thought you was in jail. How'd you get to be the secretary of interior? 805 00:50:45,080 --> 00:50:47,379 Just keep walking. I'll explain everything. 806 00:50:56,159 --> 00:50:58,127 Okay. Get ready to run. 807 00:51:00,596 --> 00:51:03,223 - What? - Oh, goddamn it. 808 00:51:03,331 --> 00:51:06,130 Way to go, Frito. You know what? Just make a run for it anyways. 809 00:51:06,234 --> 00:51:08,168 We'll ask for directions on the way. 810 00:51:08,270 --> 00:51:11,433 No way. I spent the last two days looking for it. It ain't easy to find. 811 00:51:11,540 --> 00:51:14,509 Damn it. I can't go back to jail, and I sure can't solve these problems. 812 00:51:14,609 --> 00:51:17,737 All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me. 813 00:51:17,846 --> 00:51:21,214 Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay? It's impossible! 814 00:51:21,317 --> 00:51:24,047 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd... 815 00:51:24,152 --> 00:51:26,143 could somehow magically travel through time... 816 00:51:26,255 --> 00:51:29,690 we got secret service guys with huge guns protecting us, okay? 817 00:51:29,792 --> 00:51:31,692 So don't worry. You're safe. 818 00:51:31,793 --> 00:51:34,956 And you know what? It's none of my business, but when we get back... 819 00:51:35,063 --> 00:51:37,692 you and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay? 820 00:51:37,799 --> 00:51:42,237 And you should also think about maybe finding an art manager who's not also your boyfriend. 821 00:51:42,337 --> 00:51:46,433 HeyI She's not puttin'out? 822 00:51:46,542 --> 00:51:50,672 Uh, no, she is. We, uh-We already did it. 823 00:51:50,779 --> 00:51:53,270 Yeah He was great 824 00:51:55,484 --> 00:51:59,147 Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh... 825 00:51:59,255 --> 00:52:01,223 if we'd go family-style on her. 826 00:52:03,759 --> 00:52:07,217 Uh, yeah, probably not right now. 827 00:52:07,330 --> 00:52:10,788 We should focus on the crops So let's get back to work Maybe later 828 00:52:17,906 --> 00:52:19,601 What the hell is this? 829 00:52:22,511 --> 00:52:26,380 - Tastes like Gatorade. - [ Rita ] Is that that Brawndo stuff? 830 00:52:26,482 --> 00:52:30,212 [Joe] They're watering crops with a sports drink? 831 00:52:31,888 --> 00:52:34,618 [ Narrator] Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water... 832 00:52:34,723 --> 00:52:36,884 virtually everywhere 833 00:52:36,993 --> 00:52:39,188 Water, the basic component of all life... 834 00:52:39,295 --> 00:52:42,286 had been deemed a threat to Brawndo's profit margin 835 00:52:42,397 --> 00:52:45,889 The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330... 836 00:52:46,002 --> 00:52:50,837 when the Brawndo Corporation simply bought the F.D .A ... ... 837 00:52:50,940 --> 00:52:52,406 and the F.C .C ... ... 838 00:52:52,507 --> 00:52:54,737 enabling them to say, do and sell... 839 00:52:54,844 --> 00:52:56,743 anything they wanted 840 00:53:01,784 --> 00:53:04,411 Joe didn't know any of this... 841 00:53:04,520 --> 00:53:08,513 but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve 842 00:53:08,623 --> 00:53:13,185 - [ Indistinct ] - With his options running out, Joe took a bold step 843 00:53:13,295 --> 00:53:15,422 He would not get out of the way 844 00:53:15,531 --> 00:53:18,397 This time, he would lead 845 00:53:18,500 --> 00:53:20,525 For the last time, I'm pretty sure... 846 00:53:20,636 --> 00:53:23,605 what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff. 847 00:53:23,705 --> 00:53:26,469 But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes. 848 00:53:26,576 --> 00:53:28,634 So wait a minute What you're saying... 849 00:53:28,743 --> 00:53:32,543 is that you want us to put water on the crops. 850 00:53:32,647 --> 00:53:35,674 - Yes. - Water. Like out the toilet? 851 00:53:35,784 --> 00:53:39,777 Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea. 852 00:53:39,888 --> 00:53:43,221 - But Brawndo's got what plants crave. - It's got electrolytes. 853 00:53:43,326 --> 00:53:45,293 Okay, look. 854 00:53:45,393 --> 00:53:48,886 The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. 855 00:53:48,998 --> 00:53:53,661 Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow. 856 00:53:53,768 --> 00:53:57,466 Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet. 857 00:53:57,572 --> 00:54:00,837 Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world? 858 00:54:00,942 --> 00:54:04,902 - [ Chuckling ] - You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon. 859 00:54:05,013 --> 00:54:08,973 So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave? 860 00:54:09,085 --> 00:54:11,552 Brawndo's got what plants crave. 861 00:54:11,654 --> 00:54:14,179 - Goddamn it. - Yeah, it's got electrolytes. 862 00:54:14,290 --> 00:54:16,723 What are electrolytes? Do you even know? 863 00:54:16,826 --> 00:54:19,589 It's what they use to make Brawndo. 864 00:54:19,694 --> 00:54:22,322 Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo? 865 00:54:22,431 --> 00:54:24,991 'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes. 866 00:54:28,004 --> 00:54:32,440 [ Narrator] After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason... 867 00:54:32,540 --> 00:54:35,601 and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants... 868 00:54:35,710 --> 00:54:38,339 and that they wanted water 869 00:54:39,447 --> 00:54:41,779 He made believers out of everyone 870 00:54:41,884 --> 00:54:45,444 Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes... 871 00:54:45,554 --> 00:54:49,513 were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the decades... 872 00:54:49,625 --> 00:54:52,355 killing plants and leading to the dust bowl 873 00:54:52,460 --> 00:54:58,194 As secretary of the interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water... 874 00:54:58,299 --> 00:55:03,431 promising that, over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end 875 00:55:03,538 --> 00:55:07,565 He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon 876 00:55:07,676 --> 00:55:10,804 - Or so it seemed - [ All Shouting ] 877 00:55:11,913 --> 00:55:15,815 Man, I hope somethin' grows fast. 878 00:55:15,917 --> 00:55:17,909 Yeah. So we can haul our ass back home. 879 00:55:18,020 --> 00:55:21,614 Man. You really think those people would have starved to death? 880 00:55:23,159 --> 00:55:27,788 I don't know. I mean, how did the world ever get like this? 881 00:55:27,897 --> 00:55:31,764 You know things are bad when they're comin' to me for answers. 882 00:55:31,866 --> 00:55:34,630 - It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone. - Mm-hmm. 883 00:55:34,737 --> 00:55:36,967 - I'm not used to it. - Yeah. Me neither. 884 00:55:39,708 --> 00:55:43,440 You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits? 885 00:55:43,545 --> 00:55:46,105 Yeah. Hadn't thought of that. 886 00:55:46,214 --> 00:55:50,344 - Now you know why he built that bomb. - Yeah. 887 00:55:52,755 --> 00:55:54,949 Hey,Joe, listen. Those cops- 888 00:55:55,056 --> 00:55:57,321 - Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that. - No No 889 00:55:57,426 --> 00:56:00,451 They said that you got me a pardon. 890 00:56:00,563 --> 00:56:03,589 You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so... 891 00:56:04,900 --> 00:56:07,527 I guess I owe you one. 892 00:56:09,739 --> 00:56:13,299 You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to. 893 00:56:14,710 --> 00:56:18,873 Oh. No. I'm- I'm all right. Yeah. 894 00:56:18,980 --> 00:56:23,042 Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd would be too happy about that. 895 00:56:23,152 --> 00:56:24,813 You in bed with a stranger. 896 00:56:26,554 --> 00:56:28,819 - [ Snickers ] - Yeah. 897 00:56:28,924 --> 00:56:31,620 [ Laughing ] 898 00:56:31,726 --> 00:56:33,558 I know. I know. 899 00:56:33,661 --> 00:56:35,562 [ Laughing Continues ] 900 00:56:35,663 --> 00:56:40,658 [Joe] Yeah Oh, boy 901 00:56:48,610 --> 00:56:51,170 Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd. 902 00:56:51,279 --> 00:56:53,714 [Joe] Oh, shit It's not Upgrayedd 903 00:56:53,815 --> 00:56:56,114 [ Narrator] Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked 904 00:56:56,217 --> 00:56:58,549 But when the Brawndo stock suddenly dropped to zero... 905 00:56:58,654 --> 00:57:01,087 leaving half the population unemployed... 906 00:57:01,190 --> 00:57:04,886 dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting... 907 00:57:04,993 --> 00:57:06,927 and screaming forJoe's head 908 00:57:07,029 --> 00:57:09,725 An emergency cabinet meeting was called... 909 00:57:09,831 --> 00:57:12,163 with the C.E .O of the Brawndo Corporation 910 00:57:12,268 --> 00:57:14,735 How come nobody's buying Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator? 911 00:57:14,837 --> 00:57:17,203 Aw, shit. Half the country works for Brawndo. 912 00:57:17,306 --> 00:57:20,069 Not anymoreI The stock has dropped to zero... 913 00:57:20,176 --> 00:57:22,337 and the computer did that auto-layoff thing to everybody 914 00:57:22,444 --> 00:57:25,004 - We're all unemployed! - You think that makes the "ecomony" suck? 915 00:57:25,114 --> 00:57:29,174 - Why is this happening? - I think it's because we switched to water, but- 916 00:57:29,284 --> 00:57:31,775 - You mean this is all your fault? - What? 917 00:57:31,886 --> 00:57:35,721 Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started happening when we switched to water! 918 00:57:35,824 --> 00:57:39,726 Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 919 00:57:42,464 --> 00:57:44,261 [ Announcer] Fox News 920 00:57:47,502 --> 00:57:50,563 He tried taking water from toilets... 921 00:57:50,672 --> 00:57:54,609 but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now. 922 00:57:54,710 --> 00:57:56,609 And as history pulls down its pants... 923 00:57:56,712 --> 00:57:59,976 and prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head... 924 00:58:00,081 --> 00:58:04,074 it will be DaddyJustice who will be crapping on him this time. 925 00:58:04,185 --> 00:58:08,384 We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent Formica Davis... 926 00:58:08,489 --> 00:58:12,357 at the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial. 927 00:58:14,864 --> 00:58:19,062 Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow... 928 00:58:19,167 --> 00:58:22,728 with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk. 929 00:58:22,837 --> 00:58:26,933 [ With Effeminate Voice] Blah, blah, blah You gotta believe meI 930 00:58:27,042 --> 00:58:29,033 [ Normal Voice] That part of the trial sucked 931 00:58:29,143 --> 00:58:31,806 But then, the chief "J" just went off 932 00:58:31,913 --> 00:58:33,938 He said, "Man, whatever 933 00:58:34,049 --> 00:58:36,643 The guy's guilty as shit We all know that. 934 00:58:36,752 --> 00:58:40,518 And he sentenced his ass to one night of Rehabilitation. 935 00:58:40,623 --> 00:58:43,183 Hey, rehabilitation? One night? 936 00:58:43,292 --> 00:58:45,192 Doesn't sound so bad. 937 00:58:45,293 --> 00:58:47,159 Not so bad, huh? 938 00:58:47,263 --> 00:58:50,527 Here's some highlights from last week's Rehabilitation 939 00:58:50,632 --> 00:58:52,931 [ Crowd Cheering ] 940 00:58:54,370 --> 00:58:56,337 [ Engine Revving ] 941 00:59:01,509 --> 00:59:04,603 [ Formica ] And who could forget that wonderful finish... 942 00:59:04,712 --> 00:59:07,203 by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones? 943 00:59:07,315 --> 00:59:11,013 [ Chuckling ] And tomorrow night looks even more better. 944 00:59:11,120 --> 00:59:15,522 Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement. 945 00:59:15,623 --> 00:59:18,319 Wow. Thank you, Formica. 946 00:59:19,795 --> 00:59:22,786 So you think you can escape again like you did last time? 947 00:59:22,897 --> 00:59:25,696 - No. They pretty much fixed that. - How? 948 00:59:25,801 --> 00:59:28,065 They chained me to a big rock. 949 00:59:29,471 --> 00:59:31,371 - [ Rita ] Oh - Yeah. 950 00:59:31,473 --> 00:59:33,667 Look, Rita, get Frito. 951 00:59:33,775 --> 00:59:36,904 Get him to take you back to the time machine without me. Don't wait. 952 00:59:37,011 --> 00:59:41,038 No. You could have split on me before, but you didn't. 953 00:59:41,150 --> 00:59:44,551 Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay? 954 00:59:44,652 --> 00:59:47,212 Tell people to read books. 955 00:59:47,322 --> 00:59:49,415 Tell people to stay in school, you know. 956 00:59:49,525 --> 00:59:53,051 Tell people to just use their brains or something. 957 00:59:53,161 --> 00:59:56,359 I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me 958 00:59:56,464 --> 01:00:01,060 I never did anything with my life. At least you were an artist, you know? 959 01:00:01,170 --> 01:00:03,730 - So just go back and- - [ Guard ] Visit's overI 960 01:00:06,708 --> 01:00:10,167 And Rita, whatever you do, keep painting, okay? 961 01:00:11,714 --> 01:00:13,681 Good luck,Joe. 962 01:00:19,054 --> 01:00:20,714 [ Groans ] 963 01:00:20,888 --> 01:00:23,755 [ Announcer] Okay, that's five down and one more to go 964 01:00:23,859 --> 01:00:27,556 Are you ready for a monster-truck duel to the death? 965 01:00:27,663 --> 01:00:31,190 YeahI Let's give it up for the Guitar Army 966 01:00:31,299 --> 01:00:33,199 967 01:00:33,301 --> 01:00:35,270 [ Announcer] Okay, we're gonna do this shit 968 01:00:35,371 --> 01:00:38,534 But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem... 969 01:00:38,639 --> 01:00:43,406 the star of Ow! My Balls! Hormel ChavezI 970 01:00:43,511 --> 01:00:46,447 Thank you. Thank you. 971 01:00:46,547 --> 01:00:51,542 - [ Man ] HeyI Come hereI - 972 01:00:51,652 --> 01:00:55,214 - Come here! - 973 01:00:55,324 --> 01:00:57,223 - [ Groans ] - [ Announcer] Right in the ballsI 974 01:00:57,326 --> 01:01:02,127 - [ All Laughing ] - That's just how that shit went on TV! 975 01:01:02,230 --> 01:01:06,462 [ Announcer] This execution is brought to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator. 976 01:01:06,567 --> 01:01:08,467 - After you've killed someone... - [ Knocking ] 977 01:01:08,569 --> 01:01:10,504 - your body needs electrolytes - Yeah. 978 01:01:10,605 --> 01:01:13,904 So, my car's out front... 979 01:01:14,009 --> 01:01:16,272 whenever you want me to take you... 980 01:01:16,377 --> 01:01:18,607 to the time machine. 981 01:01:18,714 --> 01:01:20,647 Thanks, Frito. 982 01:01:20,748 --> 01:01:22,842 - Yeah. - [ Announcer] I can't hear youI 983 01:01:22,951 --> 01:01:26,147 That's a real bummer aboutJoe, huh? 984 01:01:26,255 --> 01:01:28,848 - [ Announcer] I can't hear youI - Yeah. 985 01:01:28,956 --> 01:01:34,417 OhI Can you turn this up? I love Rehabilitation. 986 01:01:45,940 --> 01:01:50,400 [ Announcer] Okay Let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight 987 01:01:50,511 --> 01:01:53,810 With a combined record of 62 kills... 988 01:01:53,915 --> 01:01:58,750 please welcome Vinny Mawumba in the DildozerI 989 01:02:04,560 --> 01:02:10,328 And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass BlasterI 990 01:02:10,431 --> 01:02:12,400 I get a truck too, right? 991 01:02:12,500 --> 01:02:15,230 Yeah. Here it comes. 992 01:02:15,337 --> 01:02:17,862 [ Engine Sputtering ] 993 01:02:20,174 --> 01:02:23,143 [ Guards Chuckling ] 994 01:02:24,880 --> 01:02:26,848 Get in. 995 01:02:31,353 --> 01:02:33,719 You still got the chain attached. 996 01:02:35,924 --> 01:02:38,484 - [ Guard ] Door won't shut - What about the chain? 997 01:02:38,594 --> 01:02:40,562 - We could break it. - No. He could escape. 998 01:02:40,661 --> 01:02:44,223 - I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk. - Yeah. That'll work. 999 01:02:47,802 --> 01:02:51,364 - [ Guard ] Who's smart now? - [ Announcer] Let's bring out our criminal 1000 01:02:51,473 --> 01:02:54,601 He tried to ruin the country by pouring toilet water on crops 1001 01:02:54,710 --> 01:02:57,109 He cost millions of people their jobs 1002 01:02:57,212 --> 01:03:00,545 Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not SureI 1003 01:03:02,217 --> 01:03:05,947 [ All Laughing ] 1004 01:03:12,560 --> 01:03:14,926 Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die. 1005 01:03:15,029 --> 01:03:17,931 [ Announcer] Are you ready for some car-on-car action? 1006 01:03:18,033 --> 01:03:20,000 Yes. 1007 01:03:21,103 --> 01:03:23,935 - I can't watch this. - This is- 1008 01:03:24,038 --> 01:03:28,533 This is gonna be so sad I hope I don't cry 1009 01:03:30,344 --> 01:03:34,246 Holy shit! Frito, come here! Look! 1010 01:03:34,348 --> 01:03:36,817 He was right. The water- it worked. 1011 01:03:36,918 --> 01:03:39,547 Frito, can you get me over there? 1012 01:03:40,522 --> 01:03:42,422 Yes. 1013 01:03:42,523 --> 01:03:45,516 No, you fuckin' moron. To the Rehabilitation place. 1014 01:03:45,627 --> 01:03:47,652 - Uh, this way. - Yeah! 1015 01:03:52,234 --> 01:03:54,134 Come on, Frito. Hurry! 1016 01:03:54,235 --> 01:03:57,261 [ Announcer] And now the dude that everybody came here to see... 1017 01:03:57,371 --> 01:04:00,967 - Yeah! - the only undefeated officer ever in history... 1018 01:04:01,076 --> 01:04:04,603 coming out of retirement just to pound Not Sure's ass... 1019 01:04:04,712 --> 01:04:09,672 driving the biggest, hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history- 1020 01:04:09,784 --> 01:04:13,652 bigger than the Dildozer, bigger than the Ass Blaster... 1021 01:04:13,755 --> 01:04:17,781 bigger and huger than everything ever before in history- 1022 01:04:17,893 --> 01:04:20,828 the brand-new AssdozerI 1023 01:04:20,929 --> 01:04:23,625 - Give it up for Beef SupremeI - 1024 01:04:27,201 --> 01:04:29,101 Oh! 1025 01:04:35,109 --> 01:04:37,043 Oh! 1026 01:04:51,426 --> 01:04:54,690 [ Announcer] Oh, shit I think it was too big, huh? 1027 01:04:54,795 --> 01:04:57,286 We seem to be "experimenting"... 1028 01:04:57,398 --> 01:05:00,697 some "techmological" differences... 1029 01:05:00,801 --> 01:05:02,701 so, uh, shit 1030 01:05:02,804 --> 01:05:06,170 Frito, look! 1031 01:05:06,275 --> 01:05:08,469 - It's working everywhere! - Huh. 1032 01:05:08,576 --> 01:05:12,638 [ Announcer] Well, shit That's a big pile of rocks 1033 01:05:12,748 --> 01:05:15,875 - Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was- - Man. 1034 01:05:15,984 --> 01:05:18,009 - Hey! - Oh, oh, okay 1035 01:05:18,120 --> 01:05:20,315 - Get this shit started! - We're gonna start without Beef Supreme 1036 01:05:20,422 --> 01:05:24,152 Let the rehabilitation beginI 1037 01:05:33,701 --> 01:05:36,261 - [ Engine Stalls ] - Oh, shit. 1038 01:05:36,371 --> 01:05:39,272 - Come on. Come on. - [ Engine Cranking ] 1039 01:05:39,373 --> 01:05:41,842 [ Rita ] Come on, Frito HurryI 1040 01:05:44,478 --> 01:05:47,174 - Oh! - [ Engine Starts ] 1041 01:05:51,886 --> 01:05:53,411 Goddamn it. 1042 01:05:55,824 --> 01:05:59,692 - Yeah! -Jesus, that was close. 1043 01:06:02,197 --> 01:06:05,098 Mr. President! Mr. President, I need to talk to you. 1044 01:06:05,199 --> 01:06:07,395 You gotta stop this thing He was right about the water 1045 01:06:07,502 --> 01:06:10,402 We passed some crops on the way here They're growing 1046 01:06:10,505 --> 01:06:12,404 I didn't see no crops. 1047 01:06:13,542 --> 01:06:15,237 [ Announcer] They're circling around 1048 01:06:15,344 --> 01:06:17,868 They're gonna do the Malach/ Crunch on himI 1049 01:06:20,514 --> 01:06:23,915 - This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody - Oh! 1050 01:06:44,739 --> 01:06:47,732 [ Announcer] So, uh-So the winner is, uh- 1051 01:06:49,543 --> 01:06:52,741 - [ Announcer] You gotta be shittin'me - Did he win? 1052 01:06:55,616 --> 01:06:57,812 Uh-oh. Look. 1053 01:06:59,688 --> 01:07:03,418 [ Announcer] Holy shitI It's Beef SupremeI 1054 01:07:03,525 --> 01:07:06,152 [ Rock ] 1055 01:07:10,766 --> 01:07:12,529 [ Announcer] Beef SupremeI YeahI YeahI 1056 01:07:12,634 --> 01:07:16,900 Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember those crops we saw off the road... 1057 01:07:17,005 --> 01:07:19,632 - right by the Starbucks? - Uh-huh. 1058 01:07:19,741 --> 01:07:23,837 - Hey. Wanna make some money? - I like money. 1059 01:07:38,058 --> 01:07:42,359 Hey, um, the, uh- the main screen is malfunctioning... 1060 01:07:42,464 --> 01:07:44,989 and they gonna need you outside immediately. 1061 01:07:48,203 --> 01:07:51,228 There's a bunch of whores in the hallway. 1062 01:07:54,409 --> 01:07:56,900 Come on, Frito. Hurry. 1063 01:07:57,978 --> 01:08:00,072 Can't believe you like money too. 1064 01:08:00,181 --> 01:08:02,672 - We should hang out. - Totally. 1065 01:08:28,009 --> 01:08:30,033 [ Announcer] He's behind the truckI 1066 01:08:32,147 --> 01:08:34,911 - Yes! Yes! - [ Mouthing Words ] 1067 01:08:36,283 --> 01:08:38,342 - He's behind the fucking truck! - He's over there! 1068 01:08:38,452 --> 01:08:40,511 [ Announcer] Behind the truck, stupidI 1069 01:08:50,832 --> 01:08:52,424 Look! 1070 01:08:54,635 --> 01:08:58,197 Shit. That's a good deal. 1071 01:08:58,305 --> 01:09:02,800 - [ Frito ] Extra foam - I got a bunch of money too. 1072 01:09:02,911 --> 01:09:05,538 - Forgot what it was for. - Huh. 1073 01:09:06,814 --> 01:09:10,614 - You think it was for lattes? - Yeah. Probably. 1074 01:09:10,719 --> 01:09:14,984 - [ Frito ] You like money and sex? You're trippin'me out - What the fuck? 1075 01:09:17,224 --> 01:09:19,455 - Yeah! - Yeah! 1076 01:09:29,104 --> 01:09:32,971 -Just hold on, okay? Everyone just take it easy, okay? - [ Crowd Booing ] 1077 01:09:33,073 --> 01:09:34,974 Can I just say something here? 1078 01:09:37,379 --> 01:09:40,314 I don't even know what I'm guilty of here. 1079 01:09:40,415 --> 01:09:44,317 I never said that I was the smartest person on earth. You people did. 1080 01:09:44,418 --> 01:09:48,082 I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money... 1081 01:09:48,189 --> 01:09:50,315 and I'm very sorry that that happened. 1082 01:09:50,425 --> 01:09:52,449 But I'm tellin'you... 1083 01:09:52,560 --> 01:09:54,926 if you put water on the crops, it might actually- 1084 01:09:55,029 --> 01:09:58,022 No, it will work. I promise you! 1085 01:09:58,132 --> 01:10:02,536 You just have to believe me I just wanted to help you That's all 1086 01:10:02,636 --> 01:10:07,471 So you can try and shoot me You can try and run me over, whatever 1087 01:10:07,576 --> 01:10:11,033 But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first. 1088 01:10:12,247 --> 01:10:14,772 Do you really want to live in a world... 1089 01:10:14,882 --> 01:10:18,375 where you try to blow up the one person that's tryin' to help you? 1090 01:10:24,925 --> 01:10:29,123 [ All Laughing ] 1091 01:10:29,229 --> 01:10:31,460 Hold on.Just hold on. 1092 01:10:44,412 --> 01:10:46,538 [ Indistinct ] 1093 01:10:52,854 --> 01:10:55,049 Oh, man. That was great. 1094 01:10:55,156 --> 01:10:58,818 Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there? 1095 01:10:58,926 --> 01:11:02,327 Shit. What do I look like, a pants goblin? 1096 01:11:02,430 --> 01:11:05,763 Wait. This reminds me of something. 1097 01:11:05,867 --> 01:11:08,733 Uh, "Rehabil-Rehabilate"- 1098 01:11:08,836 --> 01:11:12,033 - Rehabilation. - Why do you keep trying to read that word? 1099 01:11:12,140 --> 01:11:15,666 - You a fag? - I'll fag your face! 1100 01:11:24,318 --> 01:11:27,345 - Come on, Frito. - Yeah. I don't think so. 1101 01:11:28,723 --> 01:11:31,190 Oh, yeah. 1102 01:12:12,701 --> 01:12:17,161 This guy just got his ass a pardon! 1103 01:12:17,272 --> 01:12:20,832 [ All Cheering ] 1104 01:12:25,180 --> 01:12:26,943 [ Laughing ] Yeah! 1105 01:12:27,114 --> 01:12:30,015 [ Rock ] 1106 01:12:41,229 --> 01:12:44,665 Man, Rita. I mean, I don't know what to say. 1107 01:12:44,765 --> 01:12:48,031 You saved my life. No one's ever done anything like that for me. 1108 01:12:48,135 --> 01:12:50,036 Yeah, well... 1109 01:12:50,138 --> 01:12:53,163 you were looking out for the whole world so, you know... 1110 01:12:53,274 --> 01:12:56,970 - I thought someone should look out for you too. - Thanks. 1111 01:12:58,580 --> 01:13:00,946 I can't believe I'm even saying this, but... 1112 01:13:01,049 --> 01:13:03,040 even though these people tried to kill me... 1113 01:13:03,150 --> 01:13:06,608 -you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em. - Yeah. 1114 01:13:06,720 --> 01:13:09,554 Frito- he's gonna give us a ride back to the time machine. 1115 01:13:09,657 --> 01:13:12,888 I just, uh- I hope he's okay to drive. 1116 01:13:14,328 --> 01:13:17,457 It's you. Oh, man, I really love your show. 1117 01:13:17,564 --> 01:13:19,863 Thank you so much. 1118 01:13:19,967 --> 01:13:25,132 - Uh,Joe, I'm not going - What? 1119 01:13:26,940 --> 01:13:30,809 I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again. 1120 01:13:30,912 --> 01:13:32,880 Maybe it's time I got a new start. 1121 01:13:32,980 --> 01:13:37,110 Besides, they offered me a pretty good job at Starbucks here 1122 01:13:37,217 --> 01:13:39,880 - I'm gonna be a C.E.O. - At Starbucks? 1123 01:13:39,988 --> 01:13:42,821 - Yeah. - Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right? 1124 01:13:44,492 --> 01:13:47,893 Yeah. Sure. 1125 01:13:47,996 --> 01:13:49,827 I guess this is good-bye then. 1126 01:13:51,698 --> 01:13:53,929 [ Camacho ] Hey, hey, hey, heyI 1127 01:13:54,034 --> 01:13:56,504 I got a couple presidential decrees to make! 1128 01:13:56,504 --> 01:13:58,198 I got a couple presidential decrees to make! 1129 01:13:58,305 --> 01:14:02,537 Not Sure, get your ass up here, wherever you is. 1130 01:14:02,644 --> 01:14:05,043 [ Crowd Cheering ] 1131 01:14:05,145 --> 01:14:07,376 Let me get that little peanut head up here. 1132 01:14:07,482 --> 01:14:10,246 Yo. Yo. [ Laughs ] 1133 01:14:10,350 --> 01:14:12,284 I have decided... 1134 01:14:12,386 --> 01:14:14,912 to make this man- 1135 01:14:15,023 --> 01:14:17,957 the man who solved all our problems- 1136 01:14:19,293 --> 01:14:21,956 I have decided to make him... 1137 01:14:22,063 --> 01:14:24,360 my new vice president. 1138 01:14:24,465 --> 01:14:26,796 [ All Cheering ] 1139 01:14:26,900 --> 01:14:30,131 Mr. President, thanks. That's real cool of you, sir... 1140 01:14:30,238 --> 01:14:34,105 - but I can't accept it, sir. - What? Why? 1141 01:14:34,208 --> 01:14:38,942 - You know, I gotta get home. - But we still got all these problems. 1142 01:14:39,046 --> 01:14:42,038 Look, you know, you're just gonna have to solve 'em yourselves. 1143 01:14:42,149 --> 01:14:44,617 - How? - Think about it, you know? 1144 01:14:44,719 --> 01:14:47,778 You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops. 1145 01:14:47,889 --> 01:14:52,416 But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage ambulanches and the comony? 1146 01:14:52,527 --> 01:14:58,363 And what about the nuc- "nucular reactor" in Florida? 1147 01:14:58,465 --> 01:15:00,934 It's broke and leaky and something's happening. 1148 01:15:01,034 --> 01:15:06,404 - I thought it was in Georgia. - Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass. 1149 01:15:06,506 --> 01:15:09,567 Hey. Hey, I know. Let's put toilet water on it. Huh? 1150 01:15:09,676 --> 01:15:12,737 - Yeah! - Good, good. That's a good idea. 1151 01:15:12,846 --> 01:15:15,542 - [ Minister of Defense] Like we did on the crops - Come on, vato 1152 01:15:15,649 --> 01:15:17,948 Hey, you can't leave. 1153 01:15:18,051 --> 01:15:23,991 Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh? 1154 01:15:34,769 --> 01:15:39,171 I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I? You know what? 1155 01:15:39,274 --> 01:15:42,175 - Forget about the time machine. - Yeah! 1156 01:15:42,277 --> 01:15:44,836 [ All Cheering ] 1157 01:15:46,214 --> 01:15:49,614 That ride sucks anyways. 1158 01:15:49,716 --> 01:15:51,844 Ride? 1159 01:15:55,323 --> 01:15:57,791 [ Male Voice] Welcome to the Time Masheen 1160 01:15:57,891 --> 01:16:02,385 We are going to take you back, first to the year 1 939... 1161 01:16:02,497 --> 01:16:04,988 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Naz/ regime... 1162 01:16:05,099 --> 01:16:08,158 enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world 1163 01:16:08,269 --> 01:16:10,863 So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time? 1164 01:16:10,971 --> 01:16:14,464 Yeah. You thought you could really travel through time, huh? 1165 01:16:14,574 --> 01:16:16,940 - Yeah, I guess I did. - Yeah. 1166 01:16:17,045 --> 01:16:19,979 For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes. 1167 01:16:20,081 --> 01:16:24,983 - So why didn't you tell us? - Cause I like money. I'm sorry. 1168 01:16:25,086 --> 01:16:28,885 But if it's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money. 1169 01:16:28,989 --> 01:16:32,482 You know, cause I can't go back in time and open a savings account. 1170 01:16:32,592 --> 01:16:35,528 Uh, uh, uh- 1171 01:16:35,630 --> 01:16:38,394 Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's okay. 1172 01:16:39,934 --> 01:16:41,867 Well, I guess we're stuck here. 1173 01:16:41,970 --> 01:16:47,067 [ Male Voice] But then an even greater force emerged- the "UN". 1174 01:16:47,175 --> 01:16:51,211 And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever 1175 01:16:51,211 --> 01:16:51,473 And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever 1176 01:16:51,645 --> 01:16:55,138 [ Narrator] And so, after serying a short term as vice president... 1177 01:16:55,248 --> 01:16:58,547 Joe was elected the president of America 1178 01:16:58,653 --> 01:17:00,814 Frito became vice president... 1179 01:17:00,921 --> 01:17:04,085 and Rita, the former prostitute, became first lady 1180 01:17:04,192 --> 01:17:07,684 Today I step into the shoes of a great man... 1181 01:17:07,795 --> 01:17:11,925 a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo... 1182 01:17:12,032 --> 01:17:16,025 Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. 1183 01:17:16,136 --> 01:17:20,266 [ Narrator] Under Rresident Not Sure's leadership, a new era dawned 1184 01:17:20,375 --> 01:17:24,208 You know, there was a time in this country... 1185 01:17:24,312 --> 01:17:28,577 when smart people were considered cool. 1186 01:17:28,683 --> 01:17:31,617 Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things... 1187 01:17:31,719 --> 01:17:35,779 like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon. 1188 01:17:35,890 --> 01:17:37,413 [ Man ] Yeah! 1189 01:17:39,559 --> 01:17:43,757 And there was a time in this country, a long time ago... 1190 01:17:43,864 --> 01:17:46,265 when reading wasn't just for fags... 1191 01:17:46,367 --> 01:17:48,631 and neither was writing 1192 01:17:48,735 --> 01:17:52,832 Reople wrote books and movies, movies that had stories... 1193 01:17:52,939 --> 01:17:57,239 so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting. 1194 01:17:57,345 --> 01:18:00,802 And I believe that time can come again! 1195 01:18:00,915 --> 01:18:02,849 [ All Cheering ] 1196 01:18:12,726 --> 01:18:16,322 [ All Chanting ] Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure! 1197 01:18:20,167 --> 01:18:22,135 [ Narrator] Joe and Rita had three children... 1198 01:18:22,235 --> 01:18:25,033 the three smartest kids in the world 1199 01:18:26,174 --> 01:18:28,665 Vice Rresident Frito took eight wives... 1200 01:18:28,775 --> 01:18:31,210 and had a total of 3 2 kids- 1201 01:18:31,312 --> 01:18:34,542 thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth 1202 01:18:39,787 --> 01:18:42,949 Okay, so maybeJoe didn't save mankind... 1203 01:18:43,056 --> 01:18:45,491 but he got the ball rolling... 1204 01:18:45,592 --> 01:18:49,393 and that's pretty good for an average guy 1205 01:23:49,296 --> 01:23:51,992 I'm gonna go find this ho.