1 00:00:02,486 --> 00:00:04,797 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,821 --> 00:00:07,800 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,824 --> 00:00:11,213 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,237 --> 00:00:14,329 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,406 --> 00:00:18,183 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,260 --> 00:00:21,331 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,929 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,006 --> 00:00:24,392 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:30,070 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:38,278 Quahog's own poet laureate comes to the set 11 00:00:38,355 --> 00:00:41,409 and graces us with her... Oh, God, that's tonight? 12 00:00:41,433 --> 00:00:42,783 Hey, Jerome, turn on the game. 13 00:00:42,859 --> 00:00:44,746 Sorry, guys, cable's out. 14 00:00:44,770 --> 00:00:47,287 We're only getting local stations. 15 00:00:47,364 --> 00:00:49,956 Oh, what, so now we got to talk sports to pass the time? 16 00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:52,626 Or maybe watch Gilmore Girls. 17 00:00:52,702 --> 00:00:54,887 Just as, like, a goof. 18 00:00:54,963 --> 00:00:56,849 You know, if you want to talk sports, 19 00:00:56,873 --> 00:00:58,557 I've got quite a story to tell. 20 00:00:58,634 --> 00:01:01,376 Oh! Oh! This is the one where Lorelai's mom makes 21 00:01:01,453 --> 00:01:03,431 her martini with an onion instead of an olive. 22 00:01:03,455 --> 00:01:05,525 Boy, that's a passive-aggressive move. 23 00:01:05,549 --> 00:01:07,641 If you knew her mom, you'd know that's 24 00:01:07,717 --> 00:01:09,217 a passive-aggressive move. 25 00:01:09,295 --> 00:01:11,289 It all started when I was a young boy... 26 00:01:11,313 --> 00:01:13,772 Last chance on this Gilmore Girls thing. 27 00:01:13,849 --> 00:01:15,890 I was a baseball prodigy. 28 00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:17,721 It was back home in the Cuban league. 29 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:21,955 I grew up working in the tobacco fields outside of Havana. 30 00:01:21,990 --> 00:01:24,732 That's where I learned to play baseball. 31 00:01:24,810 --> 00:01:28,403 Our mitts were made of cigars, some of them still going. 32 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,626 All right! Ha! All right, I caught it! 33 00:01:31,650 --> 00:01:34,501 At night I drove a cab. 34 00:01:34,578 --> 00:01:37,465 We all had to drive huge cars there. 35 00:01:37,489 --> 00:01:40,302 I was just a regular young man wearing pants 36 00:01:40,326 --> 00:01:41,767 that went above my belly button. 37 00:01:41,844 --> 00:01:44,019 Pull your pants up. 38 00:01:46,498 --> 00:01:48,849 When I was nine, my father took me 39 00:01:48,925 --> 00:01:51,479 to my first baseball game. 40 00:01:51,503 --> 00:01:54,591 Fidel Castro was there to throw out the first pitch. 41 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,410 He was wearing the same outfit as always. 42 00:01:57,434 --> 00:02:00,193 Later we would find out he had a fashion disease 43 00:02:00,270 --> 00:02:02,991 known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. 44 00:02:03,015 --> 00:02:05,135 We would write more jokes about him, 45 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,793 but our dumb-dumb writers only know what he looks like. 46 00:02:07,870 --> 00:02:09,944 Strike! 47 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,761 We all worshipped Che Guevara. 48 00:02:15,785 --> 00:02:18,598 Although none of us really knew what side he was on. 49 00:02:18,622 --> 00:02:19,713 Thank you? 50 00:02:19,789 --> 00:02:22,268 But we knew he'd make a great poster 51 00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:24,792 in college dorm rooms someday. 52 00:02:24,870 --> 00:02:28,129 Please rise for the Cuban National Anthem. 53 00:02:31,801 --> 00:02:35,357 In Cuba, we hated America so much, 54 00:02:35,381 --> 00:02:37,322 we copied everything they did. 55 00:02:37,399 --> 00:02:39,974 And died trying to get there. 56 00:02:47,059 --> 00:02:49,168 Castro said there were CIA 57 00:02:49,244 --> 00:02:52,374 all over our island, but I never saw any. 58 00:02:59,663 --> 00:03:02,255 Yeah! Ha-ha! All right! 59 00:03:02,332 --> 00:03:06,185 But from that day on, I fell in love with baseball. 60 00:03:06,261 --> 00:03:09,073 I dreamed of one day playing in the big leagues, 61 00:03:09,097 --> 00:03:11,839 so I signed up for a montage to get better. 62 00:03:23,687 --> 00:03:26,574 I was at the top of my game. 63 00:03:26,598 --> 00:03:29,499 I didn't even need the full montage. 64 00:03:31,286 --> 00:03:34,788 I was even recruited to play on Cuba's national team, 65 00:03:34,864 --> 00:03:36,289 the Gooding Juniors. 66 00:03:36,366 --> 00:03:38,753 Tonight, the Cuba Gooding Juniors 67 00:03:38,777 --> 00:03:41,456 take on the Haiti Joel Osments! 68 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:43,608 We tried to play, but it was difficult 69 00:03:43,632 --> 00:03:46,852 because hurricane season was February through January. 70 00:03:50,547 --> 00:03:52,951 Every time, a hurricane would sweep through, 71 00:03:52,975 --> 00:03:54,953 decimating the island, causing hundreds 72 00:03:54,977 --> 00:03:56,142 of dollars worth of damage. 73 00:03:56,219 --> 00:03:57,439 Aah! 74 00:03:57,463 --> 00:04:00,625 Under Castro, every male over the age of 18 75 00:04:00,649 --> 00:04:04,034 was required to serve two years as a band leader. 76 00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:10,415 ♪ Babaloo-oo-oo ♪ 77 00:04:11,310 --> 00:04:14,828 ♪ Babaloo-oo-oo ♪ 78 00:04:14,904 --> 00:04:17,422 ♪ Jungo ♪ 79 00:04:17,499 --> 00:04:21,909 ♪ Oo-oo-oo ♪ 80 00:04:21,987 --> 00:04:24,671 ♪ Babaloo ♪ 81 00:04:28,418 --> 00:04:32,807 ♪ Ta empezando lo velorio ♪ 82 00:04:32,831 --> 00:04:37,812 ♪ Que le hacemo a babalu. ♪ 83 00:04:37,836 --> 00:04:41,446 I loved baseball, but yearned to play in America. 84 00:04:41,523 --> 00:04:44,524 I would look across the water and dream about 85 00:04:44,601 --> 00:04:47,005 the great time they must be having there. 86 00:04:47,029 --> 00:04:49,121 I bet it's not so great. 87 00:04:49,197 --> 00:04:52,273 ♪ If you're going my way ♪ 88 00:04:52,351 --> 00:04:55,330 ♪ I want to drive it all night long ♪ 89 00:04:55,354 --> 00:04:58,441 ♪ Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, yeah... ♪ 90 00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,944 Dang it! I'm at the wrong country. 91 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,004 I knew what I had to do. 92 00:05:03,028 --> 00:05:04,786 It was nothing against Cuba. 93 00:05:04,863 --> 00:05:06,007 Cuba was nice. 94 00:05:06,031 --> 00:05:07,547 We had a Bay of Hotties, 95 00:05:07,624 --> 00:05:10,345 but also another bay of less attractive women. 96 00:05:10,369 --> 00:05:12,627 I forget what they called it. 97 00:05:12,704 --> 00:05:15,480 However, tensions between the U.S. and Cuba were high. 98 00:05:15,557 --> 00:05:18,353 Castro was not happy that they had named 99 00:05:18,377 --> 00:05:21,781 the most dangerously gay part of San Francisco after him. 100 00:05:21,805 --> 00:05:25,640 Defecting to the U.S. was punishable by prison or death. 101 00:05:25,717 --> 00:05:27,826 But I was determined. 102 00:05:27,903 --> 00:05:29,364 Then came my chance. 103 00:05:29,388 --> 00:05:31,032 The Cuba Gooding Juniors had 104 00:05:31,056 --> 00:05:32,980 an away game in Barbados. 105 00:05:33,058 --> 00:05:36,409 Oy, herma we can escape to the Cayman Islands. 106 00:05:36,486 --> 00:05:40,297 Cayman, my ass. I'm going to America. 107 00:05:43,993 --> 00:05:45,971 Okay, when we land in America, 108 00:05:45,995 --> 00:05:49,589 we all have to stop saying "Cooba." 109 00:05:49,666 --> 00:05:53,221 The sea was choppy, and the sharks were relentless. 110 00:05:54,913 --> 00:05:57,505 - Who is it? - Uh, not a shark? 111 00:05:57,583 --> 00:05:59,652 - Don't open it! - No, it's just people. 112 00:05:59,676 --> 00:06:01,412 - Yeah, people. - And sharks. 113 00:06:01,436 --> 00:06:04,404 Shh! No sharks. Just people. 114 00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:09,679 After a week at sea, 115 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:12,746 we saw the glittering lights of Miami. 116 00:06:17,861 --> 00:06:19,672 It was beautiful. 117 00:06:19,696 --> 00:06:21,955 Then we decided to go to Quahog instead, 118 00:06:22,031 --> 00:06:23,548 which took eight more months. 119 00:06:23,625 --> 00:06:25,884 Eventually, I signed a large deal 120 00:06:25,961 --> 00:06:28,256 with the Toronto Blue Jays. 121 00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,258 But because I was from a warm-weather climate, 122 00:06:30,282 --> 00:06:32,206 it didn't work out. 123 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,264 - I still remember my first major-league game. 124 00:06:36,288 --> 00:06:39,434 It was four hours and 25 minutes long. 125 00:06:39,458 --> 00:06:41,066 I was like, "What the?" 126 00:06:46,815 --> 00:06:49,891 Wow, Cleveland. I had no idea you played baseball. 127 00:06:49,968 --> 00:06:51,370 Too bad you couldn't hit a home run 128 00:06:51,394 --> 00:06:52,447 with The Cleveland Show. 129 00:06:52,471 --> 00:06:54,206 Well, it certainly wasn't a whiff. 130 00:06:54,230 --> 00:06:55,488 More of a foul out. 131 00:06:55,565 --> 00:06:57,416 It was a double. 132 00:06:57,492 --> 00:06:59,044 You know, you're not the only one 133 00:06:59,068 --> 00:07:00,713 who got a taste of sports glory. 134 00:07:00,737 --> 00:07:02,290 I had a pretty good run, myself. 135 00:07:02,314 --> 00:07:03,883 Scrawny little guy like you, Quagmire? 136 00:07:03,907 --> 00:07:05,293 What did you play? 137 00:07:05,317 --> 00:07:06,811 I was a competitive tennis player. 138 00:07:06,835 --> 00:07:08,835 Some might say too competitive. 139 00:07:08,912 --> 00:07:10,837 But I was the breath of fresh air 140 00:07:10,914 --> 00:07:13,339 that the stuffy tennis world needed. 141 00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:15,750 I was born into a real tennis family. 142 00:07:15,827 --> 00:07:18,595 On my first birthday, my mother gave me a little Head. 143 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:23,311 I wanted to be the first male cheerleader for tennis. 144 00:07:23,335 --> 00:07:26,238 Day and night! 145 00:07:26,262 --> 00:07:29,239 Ooh, tennis! 146 00:07:30,692 --> 00:07:34,453 And when that was weird, I decided to just play tennis. 147 00:07:36,848 --> 00:07:39,385 But it was understood I'd grow up to be a tennis player 148 00:07:39,409 --> 00:07:41,663 like my father and his father before him 149 00:07:41,687 --> 00:07:43,203 and his father before him. 150 00:07:43,279 --> 00:07:45,775 We came from a long line of tennis dicks. 151 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:46,943 I had six brothers, 152 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,761 but they'd all sliced off their hands 153 00:07:48,785 --> 00:07:50,262 opening a tennis ball can, 154 00:07:50,286 --> 00:07:53,265 possibly the most dangerous object known to mankind. 155 00:07:53,289 --> 00:07:55,882 Hey, guys. Anyone want to play tennis? 156 00:07:55,959 --> 00:07:57,476 Llewellyn, no! 157 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,462 But I would do everything I could 158 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,819 to make my now-female father happy. 159 00:08:07,896 --> 00:08:09,207 Practices were intense. 160 00:08:09,231 --> 00:08:10,449 I feel like you skipped over 161 00:08:10,473 --> 00:08:12,513 a very big story point right there. 162 00:08:12,551 --> 00:08:14,362 My father was a World War II vet, 163 00:08:14,386 --> 00:08:17,031 so he used to make me reenact the D-Day landing 164 00:08:17,055 --> 00:08:18,404 with tennis ball machines. 165 00:08:23,745 --> 00:08:25,540 But the work paid off. 166 00:08:25,564 --> 00:08:27,542 I got invited to the first U.S. Open, 167 00:08:27,566 --> 00:08:30,416 which, at the time, was called the U.S. Now Open. 168 00:08:30,493 --> 00:08:33,512 There, I met the player who would become my archrival: 169 00:08:33,588 --> 00:08:35,680 Sweden's Hedd Banssen. 170 00:08:36,908 --> 00:08:39,329 He'd bring his personal chef to every match, 171 00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:40,722 which was very distracting. 172 00:08:40,746 --> 00:08:42,240 Aah! What the hell? 173 00:08:42,264 --> 00:08:44,672 Hergy bergy meatball throwy! 174 00:08:46,268 --> 00:08:48,860 Come on, this can't be legal. What are you, blind? 175 00:08:48,937 --> 00:08:51,363 Serve ball! 176 00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:55,737 I was the bad boy of tennis, 177 00:08:55,761 --> 00:08:59,186 and my unconventional style of play changed the game. 178 00:08:59,264 --> 00:09:01,540 Before I came along, tennis was so safe, 179 00:09:01,616 --> 00:09:03,897 it was customary to hit a six-handed backhand. 180 00:09:03,952 --> 00:09:07,212 I pioneered the one-handed backhand 181 00:09:07,289 --> 00:09:10,382 and, eventually, the no-handed backhand. 182 00:09:11,777 --> 00:09:14,589 Quagmire, I love your backhand. 183 00:09:14,613 --> 00:09:16,607 That sounds like a backhanded compliment. 184 00:09:17,949 --> 00:09:20,519 I also flouted tennis etiquette 185 00:09:20,543 --> 00:09:22,613 by wearing the longest, baggiest shorts 186 00:09:22,637 --> 00:09:24,949 the game had ever seen. 187 00:09:24,973 --> 00:09:26,784 People criticized my style of play 188 00:09:26,808 --> 00:09:28,975 because I argued with umpires 189 00:09:29,052 --> 00:09:30,938 and was taught to bounce the ball 40 times 190 00:09:30,962 --> 00:09:33,029 before my serve. 191 00:09:56,746 --> 00:09:58,972 Let, first service. 192 00:10:10,685 --> 00:10:12,352 I'd won the U.S. Open, 193 00:10:12,428 --> 00:10:14,239 but I wouldn't settle for just that. 194 00:10:14,263 --> 00:10:17,282 My goal was the coveted Grand Slam: 195 00:10:17,359 --> 00:10:20,860 pancakes, eggs, sausage and bacon at Denny's. 196 00:10:20,937 --> 00:10:23,600 One day, Glenn. One day. 197 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,531 Maybe your birthday. 198 00:10:32,691 --> 00:10:35,002 I made it to Wimbledon 199 00:10:35,026 --> 00:10:37,284 and got to play in front of the queen... 200 00:10:37,362 --> 00:10:38,544 Freddie Mercury. 201 00:10:38,621 --> 00:10:41,622 I altered my 40-bounce routine just for him. 202 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,351 It was an honor playing for Freddie on grass that day. 203 00:10:50,375 --> 00:10:53,537 He later died. The doctor said it was asphalt. 204 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:16,341 It was the era before AIDS, but a lot of tennis players 205 00:11:16,418 --> 00:11:19,419 had to deal with the scourge of Penis Gerulaitis. 206 00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:21,382 Despite my on-court temper tantrums, 207 00:11:21,406 --> 00:11:23,234 I was on top of the world. 208 00:11:23,258 --> 00:11:26,351 Tatum O'Seventies. 209 00:11:26,428 --> 00:11:28,353 The hottest actress of the era. 210 00:11:28,430 --> 00:11:30,649 She was fresh off her success playing an 11-year-old 211 00:11:30,673 --> 00:11:33,394 in a Little League movie, which, for some reason, 212 00:11:33,418 --> 00:11:35,538 made her the biggest sex symbol in Hollywood. 213 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:39,233 - Thought you might need this. - Thanks. I'm Glenn. 214 00:11:39,257 --> 00:11:42,016 I know. I watched you smash your racket and scream at a baby. 215 00:11:42,093 --> 00:11:43,404 You know, if you're free after this, 216 00:11:43,428 --> 00:11:44,997 we could go back to my place 217 00:11:45,021 --> 00:11:47,575 and try to fit some balls in your can. 218 00:11:47,599 --> 00:11:49,185 I practiced tantrum sex, 219 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,617 something I'd learned from Sting but probably misheard. 220 00:11:51,694 --> 00:11:54,749 - What?! Are you crazy? - That was in! 221 00:11:54,773 --> 00:11:58,365 We became New York's "It" couple of the '70s. 222 00:11:58,443 --> 00:12:01,202 We hung out at Studio 55. 223 00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:03,199 There was no one there. 224 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,631 We could hear a lot of noise coming from next door. 225 00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:09,597 I got to meet the greatest athletes of my generation. 226 00:12:09,621 --> 00:12:11,804 Glenn, how would you like to meet Bobby Orr? 227 00:12:11,881 --> 00:12:13,434 - Or who? - Bobby Orr. 228 00:12:13,458 --> 00:12:15,436 Yeah, Bobby or who? What's the other choice? 229 00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:17,529 - It's Bobby Orr! - You told me Bobby's the first choice! 230 00:12:17,553 --> 00:12:19,774 - What's the alternative? - All right, forget that. 231 00:12:19,798 --> 00:12:21,314 Do you want to meet Rick Monday? 232 00:12:21,390 --> 00:12:23,444 Well, sure, I could do Monday, but who is it? 233 00:12:23,468 --> 00:12:26,661 By the 1980s, things were starting to unravel. 234 00:12:28,898 --> 00:12:30,248 Aw, damn it! 235 00:12:30,325 --> 00:12:32,636 My temper on the court was increasingly an issue. 236 00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:33,804 Out. 237 00:12:33,828 --> 00:12:36,290 Are you serious?! You cannot be serious! 238 00:12:36,314 --> 00:12:39,257 I had a hard time telling if people were serious. 239 00:12:39,334 --> 00:12:41,254 I spilled spot remover on my dog, 240 00:12:41,319 --> 00:12:42,761 and now he's gone. 241 00:12:42,837 --> 00:12:44,389 Are you serious?! 242 00:12:44,413 --> 00:12:46,300 I became famous for smashing rackets 243 00:12:46,324 --> 00:12:48,249 when things didn't go my way. 244 00:12:48,326 --> 00:12:50,304 Of course, back then, we didn't have multiple rackets, 245 00:12:50,328 --> 00:12:52,979 so I was forced to play with it. 246 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,654 Ultimately, my career ended when I developed the yips. 247 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:09,436 And in 2001, at the U.S. Open, my first serve hit a plane, 248 00:13:09,514 --> 00:13:12,773 causing it to go tragically off course and hit a building. 249 00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:18,445 Everyone blamed the Muslims. 250 00:13:18,523 --> 00:13:21,508 My second serve was no better. 251 00:13:29,868 --> 00:13:32,143 You guys talking sports stories? 252 00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:35,146 You know, I won a bronze medal in the '84 Olympics. 253 00:13:35,223 --> 00:13:36,556 Are you serious?! 254 00:13:36,632 --> 00:13:39,370 Track and field. It's a pretty good story. 255 00:13:39,394 --> 00:13:41,986 It's a series of coincidences that if someone wrote, 256 00:13:42,063 --> 00:13:44,471 no one would believe. 257 00:13:45,717 --> 00:13:48,195 Oh, my God, why is there only half a medal? 258 00:13:48,219 --> 00:13:50,644 Hoo! How much time you got? 259 00:13:50,722 --> 00:13:52,624 We got about seven minutes, and I haven't gone yet. 260 00:13:52,648 --> 00:13:53,868 Rocky. 261 00:13:55,727 --> 00:13:58,911 Like most, my day began with block letters of my name 262 00:13:58,988 --> 00:14:01,322 floating past the screen. 263 00:14:01,399 --> 00:14:04,825 I grew up on the mean streets of Philadelphia, 264 00:14:04,903 --> 00:14:06,638 the City of Brotherly Love. 265 00:14:06,662 --> 00:14:09,663 Or, as I called it, America's Northernmost Hillbillies. 266 00:14:09,741 --> 00:14:11,850 I was an Italian guy from the South Side 267 00:14:11,926 --> 00:14:13,518 who never had a chance in life. 268 00:14:13,595 --> 00:14:17,597 To one day be the heavyweight champ. 269 00:14:17,673 --> 00:14:18,673 Yo, Petey! 270 00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:19,669 Yo, fella! 271 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:21,359 Yo, Petey! 272 00:14:21,436 --> 00:14:22,913 Yo, Delayheehoo! 273 00:14:24,255 --> 00:14:26,233 It was a tough time in Philadelphia. 274 00:14:26,257 --> 00:14:28,327 We were losing dozens of men every day 275 00:14:28,351 --> 00:14:30,517 to singing over open trash can fires. 276 00:14:30,595 --> 00:14:31,852 Yo, Petey! 277 00:14:31,930 --> 00:14:32,998 Yo, Flaming Guy! 278 00:14:33,022 --> 00:14:35,373 Aah! Aah! 279 00:14:35,450 --> 00:14:38,359 I was a two-bit knuckle breaker for the mob. 280 00:14:38,436 --> 00:14:40,839 But it was a flash mob. 281 00:14:40,863 --> 00:14:43,715 - ♪ - You owe us two grand. 282 00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,551 Don't make me come back. 283 00:14:48,371 --> 00:14:50,796 You better pay or we'll funk you up. 284 00:14:50,873 --> 00:14:53,224 I said we will funk you up. 285 00:14:53,301 --> 00:14:55,279 Like most fighters, I fell in love 286 00:14:55,303 --> 00:14:58,212 with the local autistic girl who worked at the pet shop. 287 00:14:58,289 --> 00:15:00,101 I was one of her pet shop boys. 288 00:15:00,125 --> 00:15:02,027 Yo, hey, turtles. How you doin'? 289 00:15:02,051 --> 00:15:03,476 How come they're not moving? 290 00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:05,530 You sat on them yesterday. They're dead. 291 00:15:05,554 --> 00:15:08,700 - What happened to your eye? - I got beat up again in a fight. 292 00:15:08,724 --> 00:15:11,295 Yo, Lois, the San Gennaro festival was last weekend. 293 00:15:11,319 --> 00:15:12,871 You know, I was wondering if, uh, 294 00:15:12,895 --> 00:15:15,616 - maybe you might want to go to it with me. - When is it? 295 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:19,233 - Last weekend. - Well, then I don't think that's possible, Peter. No. 296 00:15:19,310 --> 00:15:21,586 I could see she was gonna play hard to get. 297 00:15:21,663 --> 00:15:24,405 All right, okay, well, uh, want to maybe go to the park 298 00:15:24,482 --> 00:15:25,924 and feed the pigeons yesterday? 299 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,593 Peter, I already did yesterday stuff. Sorry. 300 00:15:28,670 --> 00:15:30,740 Well, then how about we just get coffee this morning 301 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,598 - before you got to be at work? - It's 4:00 in the afternoon. 302 00:15:33,675 --> 00:15:35,819 I'm afraid that's not gonna work, either. 303 00:15:35,843 --> 00:15:37,471 Okay, well, I'll circle back last week 304 00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:39,306 and see what your schedule looks like. 305 00:15:39,330 --> 00:15:42,774 I was not the smartest guy, but I wasn't gonna give up. 306 00:15:45,503 --> 00:15:48,112 I lived in the Little Italy section of Philly. 307 00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:52,525 My apartment was tiny. 308 00:15:54,770 --> 00:15:58,531 I didn't have much stuff, but, still, it felt cramped. 309 00:16:00,276 --> 00:16:03,294 I really needed a bigger place. 310 00:16:05,056 --> 00:16:06,297 I wanted to work the speed bag, 311 00:16:06,374 --> 00:16:08,427 but my gym was so cheap it didn't have one. 312 00:16:08,451 --> 00:16:09,946 So I had to do the noises. 313 00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:11,263 Dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh. 314 00:16:11,287 --> 00:16:12,448 Harder hit! 315 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,306 I fought my way up through the amateur ranks. 316 00:16:15,383 --> 00:16:17,791 Most fights, my greatest challenge was entering the ring 317 00:16:17,869 --> 00:16:20,014 without getting completely tangled in the ropes. 318 00:16:20,038 --> 00:16:22,349 Little help? Is my butt out? 319 00:16:22,373 --> 00:16:23,493 My butt's out, isn't it? 320 00:16:23,558 --> 00:16:25,817 Sorry you got to see that back there, ma'am. 321 00:16:25,893 --> 00:16:28,319 Yeah, I couldn't wipe. I had my gloves on already. 322 00:16:28,396 --> 00:16:31,397 Stop taking pictures, please. 323 00:16:31,474 --> 00:16:34,400 My least favorite part of boxing was the weigh-ins. 324 00:16:34,477 --> 00:16:37,644 Hey, Keenan, Damon, Marlon. 325 00:16:37,722 --> 00:16:39,405 Good luck, Peter. 326 00:16:40,742 --> 00:16:41,869 Moo! 327 00:16:41,893 --> 00:16:43,537 Oh, ha, ha. 328 00:16:43,561 --> 00:16:45,372 And I was the only guy who wouldn't 329 00:16:45,396 --> 00:16:46,874 get naked in the locker room. 330 00:16:46,898 --> 00:16:48,467 I don't got a problem getting naked, 331 00:16:48,491 --> 00:16:51,545 I-I just don't have to change right now. 332 00:16:53,905 --> 00:16:54,973 I became known as an up-and-comer 333 00:16:54,997 --> 00:16:56,400 with a mean left hook, 334 00:16:56,424 --> 00:16:59,350 who farted every time he got punched in the stomach. 335 00:17:04,265 --> 00:17:07,266 By the second round, the entire front row had pink eye. 336 00:17:10,387 --> 00:17:12,324 I ran with a towel around my neck 337 00:17:12,348 --> 00:17:14,326 tucked into my sweat suit, 'cause I always wanted 338 00:17:14,350 --> 00:17:16,570 to look like a rich guy in a bathrobe. 339 00:17:16,594 --> 00:17:19,445 Then I promised Lois I'd see the Mark Rothko exhibit 340 00:17:19,522 --> 00:17:21,614 at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. 341 00:17:21,690 --> 00:17:24,428 But when I got there, it was closed. 342 00:17:28,364 --> 00:17:30,864 Meanwhile, Lois and I were getting serious, 343 00:17:30,942 --> 00:17:32,216 so I popped the question. 344 00:17:32,293 --> 00:17:33,937 Hey, listen, Lois, I was wondering, 345 00:17:33,961 --> 00:17:36,257 if you're not too busy, what would you think 346 00:17:36,281 --> 00:17:38,592 about spending the previous part of your life with me? 347 00:17:38,616 --> 00:17:41,628 I'm afraid that's not possible, Peter. 348 00:17:41,652 --> 00:17:43,597 But I was rising through the ranks 349 00:17:43,621 --> 00:17:45,857 and fighting bigger and better opponents. 350 00:17:45,881 --> 00:17:47,640 I fought Butterbean, 351 00:17:47,716 --> 00:17:49,603 then I fought Can't Believe It's Not Butterbean. 352 00:17:49,627 --> 00:17:52,386 I could barely tell the difference. 353 00:17:52,463 --> 00:17:54,441 I fought Sugar Ray Leonard Nimoy, 354 00:17:54,465 --> 00:17:56,505 who put a Vulcan nerve pinch on me. 355 00:17:56,559 --> 00:17:58,537 The fight was deemed highly illogical. 356 00:17:58,561 --> 00:18:00,986 I defeated Lennox Lewis and the News, 357 00:18:01,063 --> 00:18:02,707 Evander Sallyfield 358 00:18:02,731 --> 00:18:04,582 and Roberto Duran Duran. 359 00:18:04,659 --> 00:18:06,287 I was supposed to fight George Foreman, 360 00:18:06,311 --> 00:18:08,753 but I only got George ThreeMenAndaBaby. 361 00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:10,624 There's a lot more puns, but this episode's only got 362 00:18:10,648 --> 00:18:11,789 a few minutes left. 363 00:18:11,866 --> 00:18:14,592 So finally, I got my shot at the title, 364 00:18:14,669 --> 00:18:16,297 against a world champion... 365 00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:18,966 Marvelous Marvin Mrs. Maisel. 366 00:18:22,418 --> 00:18:24,458 Lois, no one's ever gone the distance 367 00:18:24,495 --> 00:18:26,398 with Marvelous Marvin Mrs. Maisel before. 368 00:18:26,422 --> 00:18:28,681 But if I can just get in that ring yesterday... 369 00:18:28,757 --> 00:18:31,570 -Tomorrow. -and hear that bell ring, still standing, 370 00:18:31,594 --> 00:18:34,590 I'll know I'm not just a bum from the streets. 371 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,835 I believe in you, Peter. Now go drink your eggs. 372 00:18:37,859 --> 00:18:40,654 Aah! Our dinnerware hutch! 373 00:18:40,678 --> 00:18:42,436 Sorry. 374 00:18:42,513 --> 00:18:43,529 Sorry! 375 00:18:43,606 --> 00:18:44,992 Oh, they're mad. 376 00:18:50,279 --> 00:18:51,941 I was outmatched. A no-name punk 377 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,943 fighting the world champion. 378 00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,261 I fought my heart out. I dug deep and had 379 00:18:56,285 --> 00:18:58,505 a kick-ass song on my side, but we couldn't afford 380 00:18:58,529 --> 00:19:01,288 the song from the movie, so we used the sound effects 381 00:19:01,366 --> 00:19:02,566 from Nintendo Punch-Out!! 382 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,011 Body blow. 383 00:19:04,035 --> 00:19:06,013 Body blow. Body blow. Uppercut. 384 00:19:06,037 --> 00:19:08,295 Uppercut. Body blow. Uppercut. 385 00:19:22,904 --> 00:19:24,807 The swollen eyes weren't from the fight. 386 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,884 There was a cat in the arena 387 00:19:26,908 --> 00:19:29,069 and I was highly allergic. 388 00:19:29,093 --> 00:19:30,554 But I'd done it. 389 00:19:30,578 --> 00:19:32,222 The only fighter ever to go the distance 390 00:19:32,246 --> 00:19:33,078 with the champ. 391 00:19:33,155 --> 00:19:34,195 But in that moment, 392 00:19:34,415 --> 00:19:37,416 there was only one thing I could think about. 393 00:19:37,493 --> 00:19:41,548 Peter, the Rothko exhibit at the museum is reopened! 394 00:19:41,572 --> 00:19:43,664 Are you busy last week? 395 00:19:43,741 --> 00:19:44,976 She had nailed me. 396 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,001 I was, in fact, free last week. 397 00:19:48,079 --> 00:19:50,930 I was the pride of Philadelphia. 398 00:19:51,006 --> 00:19:53,243 Eventually, I became the champ. 399 00:19:53,267 --> 00:19:55,526 I also changed my inspirational music 400 00:19:55,603 --> 00:19:57,339 to keep me motivated. 401 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,566 ♪ Baby shark, doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪ 402 00:19:59,590 --> 00:20:01,710 ♪ Baby shark, doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪ 403 00:20:01,776 --> 00:20:03,904 ♪ Baby shark, doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪ 404 00:20:03,928 --> 00:20:05,739 - ♪ Baby shark... ♪ - Yeah! 405 00:20:05,763 --> 00:20:07,538 Tragically, I died in training. 406 00:20:07,615 --> 00:20:09,426 I fell into a vat of Philadelphia Cream Cheese 407 00:20:09,450 --> 00:20:10,725 and suffocated. 408 00:20:10,801 --> 00:20:12,671 I guess it was a little taste of heaven. 409 00:20:12,695 --> 00:20:15,416 Let's just say, at my funeral, there was quite a spread. 410 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,267 Some of this story ain't holding up for me. 411 00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:18,677 I was cremated. 412 00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:20,512 I don't think any of this is true. 413 00:20:20,536 --> 00:20:23,696 My ashes were spread over an everything bagel. 414 00:20:28,544 --> 00:20:30,764 Hey, Joe, what about you? You're a pretty athletic guy. 415 00:20:30,788 --> 00:20:33,231 - You got any sports stories? - Funny you should ask. 416 00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:34,618 Actually, back in 1988, 417 00:20:34,642 --> 00:20:38,552 I took part in the Crystal Light Aerobics Competition. 418 00:20:38,629 --> 00:20:41,625 Representing Valley Health and Racket in Orlando, 419 00:20:41,649 --> 00:20:44,445 Mona Hartnett, Debbie Harvey and Maressa MacEachin. 420 00:20:45,803 --> 00:20:48,153 Representing Shofer's Athletic Club in San Jose, 421 00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:50,990 Diane Terese, Deborah McGee and Debbie Pardue. 422 00:20:52,326 --> 00:20:53,753 There I am! 423 00:20:53,777 --> 00:20:54,955 That guy on the left's dead. 424 00:20:54,979 --> 00:20:58,089 Asphalt. 425 00:20:58,113 --> 00:21:00,113