1 00:00:01,077 --> 00:00:03,669 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:03,746 --> 00:00:06,839 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:06,916 --> 00:00:10,676 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:10,795 --> 00:00:13,679 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:13,756 --> 00:00:17,408 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,410 --> 00:00:20,911 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:20,913 --> 00:00:22,504 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,582 --> 00:00:23,689 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,808 --> 00:00:30,029 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:42,268 --> 00:00:44,252 ♪ ♪ 11 00:01:08,519 --> 00:01:11,404 Fart joke. 12 00:01:12,556 --> 00:01:14,465 (sputters) 13 00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:15,741 Sir, you need to get ready 14 00:01:15,860 --> 00:01:18,577 for your lifetime achievement award ceremony. 15 00:01:18,654 --> 00:01:20,729 Thank you, shape-shifting valet. 16 00:01:20,807 --> 00:01:23,416 Remember, sir, I can be any shape you wish. 17 00:01:23,492 --> 00:01:26,252 Yeah, but you're already this, so... 18 00:01:29,315 --> 00:01:32,049 (indistinct chatter) 19 00:01:33,336 --> 00:01:34,576 Excuse me. 20 00:01:34,654 --> 00:01:35,577 Pardon me. 21 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,263 Beg your pardon. 22 00:01:37,340 --> 00:01:38,656 Coming through. 23 00:01:38,658 --> 00:01:39,432 Nice to see you. 24 00:01:39,550 --> 00:01:41,508 Thank you for coming. 25 00:01:41,627 --> 00:01:45,771 (indistinct chatter) 26 00:01:45,848 --> 00:01:48,499 MAN: What if I told you you could accumulate 27 00:01:48,501 --> 00:01:49,758 all the wealth you'd ever want 28 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,278 simply by learning the secrets of real estate? 29 00:01:52,355 --> 00:01:53,671 Oop, wrong room. 30 00:01:53,673 --> 00:01:55,742 MAN: And then what if you could use that wealth 31 00:01:55,766 --> 00:01:59,035 to turn yourself into a Broadway star? 32 00:02:04,517 --> 00:02:07,043 - ♪ ♪ - (applause) 33 00:02:10,614 --> 00:02:12,539 Welcome, ladies and gentlemen 34 00:02:12,616 --> 00:02:15,617 and 14 other genders we have now. 35 00:02:15,695 --> 00:02:16,694 I'm Lane Bergan, 36 00:02:16,696 --> 00:02:20,622 the biggest star of May 2020 and on. 37 00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:24,368 So, if you've only watched TV up until April of 2020, 38 00:02:24,370 --> 00:02:27,371 my name would be unfamiliar to you. 39 00:02:27,373 --> 00:02:28,389 Lane Bergan? 40 00:02:28,465 --> 00:02:31,108 What, did Brett Kingston say no? 41 00:02:33,713 --> 00:02:36,730 When the Dwayne Johnson Center for Confusing Ethnicity 42 00:02:36,807 --> 00:02:39,492 approached me about hosting this night, 43 00:02:39,568 --> 00:02:42,052 I said it'd be an honor to bestow upon 44 00:02:42,054 --> 00:02:46,815 Stewart Gilligan Griffin our Lifetime Achievement Award. 45 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,668 When Stewie invented the Wipeless Dump, 46 00:02:49,787 --> 00:02:53,506 our rainforests were hanging on by a thread. 47 00:02:53,582 --> 00:02:57,084 Now, are there too many trees? 48 00:02:57,161 --> 00:03:00,404 Ladies and gentlemen, Stewart Griffin. 49 00:03:00,406 --> 00:03:02,390 - ♪ ♪ - (applause) 50 00:03:07,763 --> 00:03:09,580 Thank you for this wonderful honor. 51 00:03:09,582 --> 00:03:11,765 (rattling nearby) 52 00:03:11,884 --> 00:03:14,268 It's so wonderful to be here with all of you. 53 00:03:14,344 --> 00:03:15,586 (rattling continues) 54 00:03:15,588 --> 00:03:17,863 You guys mind stopping for just one minute? 55 00:03:17,940 --> 00:03:21,349 When I heard I was going to be receiving this award, I... 56 00:03:21,427 --> 00:03:22,495 (shattering, rattling) 57 00:03:22,519 --> 00:03:23,928 I'm not the person who yells at waiters, 58 00:03:23,930 --> 00:03:26,705 but maybe everyone bussing tables can freeze? 59 00:03:26,782 --> 00:03:28,766 I-I don't understand why I'm the person 60 00:03:28,768 --> 00:03:30,784 who has to be saying this, okay? 61 00:03:30,861 --> 00:03:32,806 Okay, I'll never forget the first time I... 62 00:03:32,830 --> 00:03:34,605 (liquid pouring, ice cubes jiggle) 63 00:03:34,607 --> 00:03:36,549 Wow, really? 64 00:03:36,667 --> 00:03:38,551 This award means the world to... 65 00:03:38,627 --> 00:03:39,701 (cork creaking) 66 00:03:39,779 --> 00:03:41,628 - me... - (cork pops, liquid pouring) 67 00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:42,891 - and I want to thank... - (cork pops) 68 00:03:42,915 --> 00:03:45,540 - (liquid pouring) - everyone who... 69 00:03:45,618 --> 00:03:46,778 Anybody with a (bleep) bowtie on, 70 00:03:46,802 --> 00:03:48,855 stop what you're doing, walk into the coatroom, 71 00:03:48,879 --> 00:03:51,564 and don't come out until I'm done talking! 72 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,624 (deep breath) 73 00:03:53,626 --> 00:03:56,460 I-I don't yell at waiters. 74 00:03:56,462 --> 00:03:57,956 I'm now going to stop mid-sentence 75 00:03:57,980 --> 00:04:01,482 because I see someone from my... 76 00:04:01,558 --> 00:04:03,242 Brian? 77 00:04:03,319 --> 00:04:05,119 ♪ ♪ 78 00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:14,661 So, Brian, how's Frank Sinatra, Jr.? 79 00:04:14,738 --> 00:04:16,438 You two still hanging out? 80 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:17,590 No. He died. 81 00:04:17,666 --> 00:04:19,333 I'll never forget it, 82 00:04:19,409 --> 00:04:21,502 it was Spiro Agnew's birthday. 83 00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:23,596 Wow, so you, uh, really went all-in 84 00:04:23,672 --> 00:04:24,822 with the Japanese screens. 85 00:04:24,824 --> 00:04:27,099 Yes, I really like changing in silhouette 86 00:04:27,176 --> 00:04:28,561 while carrying on a conversation. 87 00:04:28,585 --> 00:04:31,103 Will you excuse me? 88 00:04:32,589 --> 00:04:34,348 So, how was your flight? 89 00:04:34,424 --> 00:04:35,608 It was, uh, it was fine. 90 00:04:35,684 --> 00:04:37,610 I had a layover in Atlanta... 91 00:04:37,686 --> 00:04:39,169 What are you doing back there? 92 00:04:39,171 --> 00:04:41,505 Just getting into something more comfortable. 93 00:04:41,507 --> 00:04:42,840 Can I interest you in a nightcap? 94 00:04:42,842 --> 00:04:44,544 - I think I've got... - Who is that? 95 00:04:44,568 --> 00:04:46,677 A little privacy, please! 96 00:04:46,679 --> 00:04:47,528 What the hell was all that? 97 00:04:47,604 --> 00:04:49,029 I have a lot of money, Brian. 98 00:04:49,106 --> 00:04:53,167 But let's continue this while I take a very foggy shower. 99 00:04:55,612 --> 00:04:56,703 No, Stewie, come on. 100 00:04:56,822 --> 00:04:58,782 I haven't seen you in almost 50 years. 101 00:04:58,858 --> 00:05:01,208 And you haven't even told me how great I look. 102 00:05:01,285 --> 00:05:01,708 You do look great. 103 00:05:01,785 --> 00:05:02,860 Thanks to me. 104 00:05:02,862 --> 00:05:05,471 I invented a pill to extend your life. 105 00:05:05,548 --> 00:05:07,548 It's called "Semper Fido." 106 00:05:07,624 --> 00:05:09,049 What? Why? 107 00:05:09,126 --> 00:05:11,568 Aren't you going to say anything about the cute name I gave it? 108 00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:12,386 Ha. 109 00:05:12,462 --> 00:05:13,479 What? Why? 110 00:05:13,556 --> 00:05:15,039 I snuck it in your food because I wanted you 111 00:05:15,041 --> 00:05:17,875 to live long enough to see that global warming is bull crap. 112 00:05:17,877 --> 00:05:20,394 Oh, my God, we were so wrong about that. 113 00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:22,470 If anything, it's way colder now. 114 00:05:22,548 --> 00:05:23,489 Yes, and now thanks to you, 115 00:05:23,566 --> 00:05:25,658 we're stuck with President Polar Bear. 116 00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:27,493 President Polar Bear, is it true 117 00:05:27,611 --> 00:05:28,719 you ate the presidential seal? 118 00:05:28,721 --> 00:05:30,623 That was a simple misunderstanding. 119 00:05:30,647 --> 00:05:32,551 - No further questions. - REPORTER: President Polar Bear! 120 00:05:32,575 --> 00:05:34,794 REPORTER 2: President Polar Bear, what did you do for a Klondike bar? 121 00:05:34,818 --> 00:05:38,671 I believe the president has answered all of your questions. 122 00:05:38,747 --> 00:05:41,065 Here's what I don't understand... 123 00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:42,399 Why did you even want me to live this long 124 00:05:42,401 --> 00:05:43,545 if you were just gonna leave me? 125 00:05:43,569 --> 00:05:44,902 It's not about you, Brian. 126 00:05:44,904 --> 00:05:45,903 I couldn't take it back there. 127 00:05:45,905 --> 00:05:47,738 But they were your family, Stewie. 128 00:05:47,740 --> 00:05:50,407 I guess I'm just not a family guy. 129 00:05:50,409 --> 00:05:51,684 (canned laughter) 130 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:55,396 Mom and Dad always wanted me to be someone I wasn't. 131 00:05:57,583 --> 00:06:00,767 Stewie Griffin, get in here right now! 132 00:06:00,844 --> 00:06:03,031 -Yeah? -Well, I just got our Christmas card photos. 133 00:06:03,055 --> 00:06:06,014 You want to tell me what you're doing with your hands here? 134 00:06:06,092 --> 00:06:06,532 Nothing. 135 00:06:06,609 --> 00:06:08,016 Exactly, nothing. 136 00:06:08,094 --> 00:06:10,852 And what does the greeting at the top of the card say? 137 00:06:10,930 --> 00:06:13,931 "Merry Christmas and a Shocking New Year." 138 00:06:13,933 --> 00:06:15,432 And what is every other member of the family 139 00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:16,542 doing with their hands? 140 00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:18,080 - The shocker. - Right. 141 00:06:18,104 --> 00:06:20,771 Now, listen, Stewie, I'm a cool dad, all right? 142 00:06:20,773 --> 00:06:23,565 I could care less what you do with the pink, truly. 143 00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:26,126 But the stink is where you get the "shocking." 144 00:06:26,203 --> 00:06:26,793 You get that? 145 00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:27,889 You get what I'm saying? 146 00:06:27,913 --> 00:06:30,114 Even if it's just one, that's fine. 147 00:06:30,116 --> 00:06:30,948 But you got to put something there. 148 00:06:30,950 --> 00:06:32,466 I-I think it's gonna be fine. 149 00:06:32,584 --> 00:06:34,446 I'm sure people won't even notice. 150 00:06:34,470 --> 00:06:36,211 (laughing) 151 00:06:36,288 --> 00:06:37,545 Oh... 152 00:06:37,623 --> 00:06:38,691 Anyway, that's why I left. 153 00:06:38,715 --> 00:06:40,457 Well, that was a long time ago. 154 00:06:40,459 --> 00:06:42,292 You have to come back. 155 00:06:42,294 --> 00:06:43,310 Stewie... 156 00:06:43,387 --> 00:06:44,461 Peter is dying. 157 00:06:44,463 --> 00:06:45,404 What? 158 00:06:45,481 --> 00:06:47,481 Oh, my God, that's awful. 159 00:06:47,557 --> 00:06:48,407 So, you'll come see him? 160 00:06:48,484 --> 00:06:49,633 Of course. 161 00:06:49,635 --> 00:06:50,795 You know, he once asked me in the event 162 00:06:50,819 --> 00:06:53,654 that he was sick to clear his Google history. 163 00:06:53,772 --> 00:06:56,874 "Peter Griffin search history." 164 00:06:57,493 --> 00:06:58,642 "Winnie the Pooh, 165 00:06:58,644 --> 00:07:00,402 "Winnie the Pooh jacket, 166 00:07:00,479 --> 00:07:02,829 "Winnie the Pooh vintage jacket, 167 00:07:02,906 --> 00:07:04,476 "Winnie the Pooh letterman jacket, 168 00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:06,574 "Winnie the Pooh windbreaker, 169 00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,335 "Eeyore jacket, 170 00:07:08,412 --> 00:07:09,653 "Eeyore vintage jacket, 171 00:07:09,655 --> 00:07:11,597 "Eeyore letterman jacket, 172 00:07:11,674 --> 00:07:13,657 lactating pregnant Latinas..." 173 00:07:13,659 --> 00:07:15,659 Wow. Huge turn there. 174 00:07:15,661 --> 00:07:17,436 "Piglet pencil erasers." 175 00:07:17,513 --> 00:07:18,845 Okay, getting back in there. 176 00:07:18,922 --> 00:07:21,515 "Full cast Winnie the Pooh backpack." 177 00:07:21,591 --> 00:07:23,758 Oh, "cancer symptoms," yeah. 178 00:07:23,836 --> 00:07:26,278 "Coughing up blood, pain in abdomen, 179 00:07:26,397 --> 00:07:27,671 Winnie the Pooh casket." 180 00:07:27,673 --> 00:07:28,672 Yeah, he is sick. 181 00:07:28,674 --> 00:07:29,818 You know, while we're here, 182 00:07:29,842 --> 00:07:31,503 let's take a look at your search history. 183 00:07:31,527 --> 00:07:32,676 No, Stewie, that's... 184 00:07:32,678 --> 00:07:34,602 "Spiro Agnew birthday." 185 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:38,248 What a weird thing to try to impress me with. 186 00:07:43,613 --> 00:07:45,539 Okay, first stop, Chris Griffin. 187 00:07:45,615 --> 00:07:46,759 (groans) We have to pick up Chris? 188 00:07:46,783 --> 00:07:47,903 Yeah, what's the problem? 189 00:07:47,993 --> 00:07:49,993 Uh, we didn't exactly get along too well. 190 00:07:50,087 --> 00:07:54,531 Especially after Grandpa died and left me the dark boathouse. 191 00:07:54,533 --> 00:07:55,735 You can still use the boathouse 192 00:07:55,759 --> 00:07:57,868 on non-vacation Sundays in the spring. 193 00:07:57,870 --> 00:08:00,370 I've always taken care of you, Chris. 194 00:08:00,372 --> 00:08:01,722 Taken care of me? 195 00:08:01,757 --> 00:08:05,317 You're my kid brother, you take care of me? 196 00:08:05,394 --> 00:08:06,727 Sorry, I came down here to vape. 197 00:08:06,803 --> 00:08:09,655 Send Chris off to do this, send Chris off to do that. 198 00:08:09,732 --> 00:08:11,806 I'm supposed to be shoveling the driveway. 199 00:08:11,826 --> 00:08:15,661 I'm your older brother, Stewie, and I was stepped over! 200 00:08:15,738 --> 00:08:17,645 It's the way Grandpa wanted it. 201 00:08:17,723 --> 00:08:19,647 It ain't the way I wanted it! 202 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,669 Sounds like you're having a personal conversation. 203 00:08:21,693 --> 00:08:22,835 I'll put in my earbuds. 204 00:08:22,911 --> 00:08:23,818 I'm smart! 205 00:08:23,896 --> 00:08:26,672 Not like everybody says, like dumb. 206 00:08:26,749 --> 00:08:29,824 I'm smart and I want respect. 207 00:08:29,902 --> 00:08:32,970 ♪ Funky Cold Medina. ♪ 208 00:08:38,410 --> 00:08:39,667 Chris, you live in filth. 209 00:08:39,745 --> 00:08:40,686 What have you been doing? 210 00:08:40,763 --> 00:08:42,763 Yeah, I kind of wasted my life, 211 00:08:42,839 --> 00:08:45,840 except I obsessed over teaching my penis how to talk. 212 00:08:45,918 --> 00:08:46,767 What? 213 00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:47,768 CHRIS' PENIS: Who's out there? 214 00:08:47,844 --> 00:08:49,247 Settle down, just got some company. 215 00:08:49,271 --> 00:08:51,755 CHRIS' PENIS: Well, aren't you going to introduce me? 216 00:08:51,757 --> 00:08:54,032 I'm getting to it, if-if you'll give me a second. 217 00:08:54,109 --> 00:08:55,870 CHRIS' PENIS: I want to have a look at them. 218 00:08:55,894 --> 00:08:59,354 Hey, numbskull, that's how we got in trouble the last time. 219 00:08:59,431 --> 00:09:00,430 (laughs) 220 00:09:00,432 --> 00:09:01,932 He-he's really very friendly. 221 00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:04,526 CHRIS' PENIS: Where's the Jamba Juice you were gonna get me? 222 00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,620 Never mind, I'll order it on Postmates. 223 00:09:06,696 --> 00:09:07,729 No, you won't. 224 00:09:07,731 --> 00:09:11,049 Stop spending all our money. 225 00:09:13,796 --> 00:09:15,612 So, what's Meg been up to anyway? 226 00:09:15,614 --> 00:09:18,448 She runs a small private security business 227 00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:19,374 out in the desert. 228 00:09:19,451 --> 00:09:20,617 That sounds kind of cool. 229 00:09:20,619 --> 00:09:24,454 Well, she basically just tests bulletproof vests. 230 00:09:24,456 --> 00:09:25,397 (clicking) 231 00:09:25,474 --> 00:09:27,307 - Ready? - One sec. 232 00:09:27,384 --> 00:09:28,458 (huffing) 233 00:09:28,460 --> 00:09:30,402 Yeah, go, go, go. 234 00:09:30,521 --> 00:09:32,312 - (gunshot) - (Meg exclaims) 235 00:09:32,389 --> 00:09:34,464 (winces) 236 00:09:34,466 --> 00:09:36,391 Ooh... yeah. 237 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:38,302 (coughs, retches) 238 00:09:38,304 --> 00:09:40,245 (coughing) 239 00:09:41,657 --> 00:09:43,565 This one can use another layer. 240 00:09:43,642 --> 00:09:45,417 Oh, hey, guys. 241 00:09:45,494 --> 00:09:46,660 Um, are you okay? 242 00:09:46,736 --> 00:09:47,920 Yeah, I'll be fine. 243 00:09:47,996 --> 00:09:50,314 CHRIS' PENIS: Hi, Meg. Bring it in. 244 00:09:50,316 --> 00:09:51,423 Hi, Chris' Penis. 245 00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:52,649 How are you? 246 00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:55,344 CHRIS' PENIS: Same spit, different day. 247 00:09:59,842 --> 00:10:01,583 Wow, look at Quahog. 248 00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:04,419 Light rail system, gleaming skyscrapers. 249 00:10:04,496 --> 00:10:05,731 SINGERS (on radio): ♪ Weenie and the Butt. ♪ 250 00:10:05,755 --> 00:10:08,165 But somehow, the same morning DJs. 251 00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:10,275 SINGERS (on radio): ♪ Quahog 97 ♪ 252 00:10:10,394 --> 00:10:12,336 ♪ FM on the radio ♪ 253 00:10:12,338 --> 00:10:13,595 ♪ And the Internet ♪ 254 00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:15,522 ♪ And the orb ♪ 255 00:10:15,599 --> 00:10:17,357 ♪ A new invention ♪ 256 00:10:17,475 --> 00:10:18,670 ♪ Which lets you hear stuff ♪ 257 00:10:18,694 --> 00:10:20,527 ♪ Right in your head ♪ 258 00:10:20,604 --> 00:10:21,769 ♪ Without a device. ♪ 259 00:10:21,847 --> 00:10:23,513 MAN 1: Try turning it off. 260 00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:24,848 MAN 2: You can't! 261 00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:26,161 That's not all that hasn't changed. 262 00:10:26,185 --> 00:10:29,202 Cleveland's still on hold with United Airlines. 263 00:10:29,279 --> 00:10:31,338 (Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue" playing over phone) 264 00:10:33,709 --> 00:10:37,377 I'm starting to think my call is not important to them. 265 00:10:37,454 --> 00:10:38,764 RECORDED VOICE: Your call is important to us. 266 00:10:38,788 --> 00:10:41,139 Thank you for remaining on the line. 267 00:10:41,216 --> 00:10:45,035 All right, you just bought yourself another year. 268 00:10:45,037 --> 00:10:46,906 And Seamus is still on hold with Spirit Airlines. 269 00:10:46,930 --> 00:10:49,775 RECORDED VOICE: We don't give a crap about you, but we're the cheapest, 270 00:10:49,799 --> 00:10:53,377 - so sit there and take it. - Ah, sea turds. 271 00:10:53,379 --> 00:10:54,486 (knocking on door) 272 00:10:54,563 --> 00:10:57,714 Mr. Seamus, five minutes to showtime, Mr. Seamus. 273 00:10:57,716 --> 00:10:59,733 Oh, I want to fly standby to Pittsburgh, 274 00:10:59,809 --> 00:11:03,236 but I also want to host The Muppet Show. 275 00:11:03,313 --> 00:11:05,247 (cars honking) 276 00:11:07,726 --> 00:11:10,151 Look at all this traffic. 277 00:11:10,229 --> 00:11:12,487 Yeah, Brady Boulevard is tight this time of day. 278 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,748 You know what? Cut over to Brady on Brady 279 00:11:14,824 --> 00:11:16,658 and then take the Brady Bridge. 280 00:11:16,735 --> 00:11:18,804 Is everything in this town named after Tom Brady? 281 00:11:18,828 --> 00:11:22,255 Oh, no, there's the Rob Gronkowski Library. 282 00:11:22,332 --> 00:11:24,741 The only book is just a label ripped off a Muscle Milk bottle. 283 00:11:24,743 --> 00:11:27,352 And look, there's the Robert Kraft Marina, 284 00:11:27,429 --> 00:11:29,079 - full of tugboats. - (tugboat horn toots) 285 00:11:29,081 --> 00:11:33,066 -I heard he had a stroke. -(high-pitched tugboat horn toots) 286 00:11:34,753 --> 00:11:36,586 I can't even get my bearings. 287 00:11:36,588 --> 00:11:37,921 I'm gonna ask someone for directions. 288 00:11:37,923 --> 00:11:39,584 I wouldn't do that. Since you left, 289 00:11:39,608 --> 00:11:42,367 the New England accent has become incomprehensible. 290 00:11:42,444 --> 00:11:43,610 I'm sure it's not that bad. 291 00:11:43,687 --> 00:11:46,430 Excuse me, sir, where is the Quahog Harbor? 292 00:11:46,432 --> 00:11:47,931 - Cah gabbah? - What? 293 00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:50,375 I-I just, I just want to know where the Quahog Harbor is. 294 00:11:50,452 --> 00:11:51,452 Cah gabbah. 295 00:11:51,569 --> 00:11:53,453 Uh-oh, there's a lot of guys 296 00:11:53,530 --> 00:11:55,622 in Bruins hats turning around now. 297 00:11:55,699 --> 00:11:58,959 -Abbah dabbah. -Gwin' dahsee da Sawx. -N'abbah dabbah. 298 00:11:59,035 --> 00:12:00,535 - Cah gabbah. - Gwin' dahsee da Sawx. 299 00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:03,096 (overlapping gibberish) 300 00:12:04,874 --> 00:12:08,018 Aah! Brian, get out of here. Go, go, go! 301 00:12:10,789 --> 00:12:12,789 WOMAN: Christopher "Irish or Italian name," 302 00:12:12,791 --> 00:12:14,791 are you causing trouble out there? 303 00:12:14,793 --> 00:12:16,604 -No, Ma. -Nomah? -Nomah! 304 00:12:16,628 --> 00:12:19,321 -Nomah! -Nomah! -Nomah! 305 00:12:25,895 --> 00:12:27,748 What the hell happened to the neighborhood? 306 00:12:27,772 --> 00:12:28,874 QUAGMIRE: Hey, Stewie. 307 00:12:28,898 --> 00:12:30,749 Here comes a double scoop of trouble. 308 00:12:30,867 --> 00:12:33,493 Whoa, you look great, considering your age. 309 00:12:33,570 --> 00:12:34,880 Yeah, I'm basically exactly the same, 310 00:12:34,904 --> 00:12:37,572 except I pretty much only talk about ice cream now. 311 00:12:37,649 --> 00:12:38,815 Oh, that's cool, that's cool. 312 00:12:38,817 --> 00:12:40,759 Yeah, you know what's cool? Ice cream. 313 00:12:40,836 --> 00:12:42,819 Want to go get a cup? Cone? Bowl? 314 00:12:42,821 --> 00:12:44,390 I-I'm just trying to see my folks. 315 00:12:44,414 --> 00:12:45,822 Man, I love ice cream. 316 00:12:45,824 --> 00:12:48,508 You know there's three different ice cream shops in Quahog? 317 00:12:48,626 --> 00:12:50,472 - They're all good. - What's your favorite? 318 00:12:50,496 --> 00:12:52,437 They're all good. 319 00:12:52,514 --> 00:12:54,606 So that's the scoop from here. 320 00:12:54,683 --> 00:12:56,924 All right, well, good running into you, man. 321 00:12:57,002 --> 00:13:01,446 Oh, my babies, finally all together again. 322 00:13:01,523 --> 00:13:02,597 Hello, Mother. 323 00:13:02,674 --> 00:13:04,674 I mean, uh, damn you, vile woman. 324 00:13:04,676 --> 00:13:06,676 I must kill you, et cetera, et cetera. 325 00:13:06,678 --> 00:13:08,954 (canned studio audience laughter, applause) 326 00:13:09,031 --> 00:13:11,623 -Did Quagmire tell you about the ice cream? -Yes. 327 00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:14,534 You know, there are three ice cream parlors in town. 328 00:13:14,611 --> 00:13:16,870 - We know. - They're all good. 329 00:13:16,946 --> 00:13:18,850 - Yes, he said that. - They're all good. 330 00:13:18,874 --> 00:13:21,449 Have we already run out of conversation? 331 00:13:21,527 --> 00:13:23,301 Chris, Meg, how are you? 332 00:13:23,378 --> 00:13:25,137 - Good, Ma. - How are you? 333 00:13:25,213 --> 00:13:26,858 Oh, I can't complain. Little hard of hearing, 334 00:13:26,882 --> 00:13:29,533 which is why I turned on the closed captioning. 335 00:13:29,535 --> 00:13:32,144 It's about 30 seconds behind, though. 336 00:13:33,388 --> 00:13:34,796 Wow, that is way behind. 337 00:13:34,873 --> 00:13:37,131 Now, what would you kids like for dinner? 338 00:13:37,209 --> 00:13:41,069 - It's 3:15, Ma. - I know, we waited for you. 339 00:13:44,883 --> 00:13:47,217 Yeah, we-we can go ahead and turn that off. 340 00:13:47,219 --> 00:13:48,994 How's Dad? 341 00:13:51,890 --> 00:13:54,057 Your father's had severe diabetes 342 00:13:54,059 --> 00:13:57,652 ever since they opened three ice cream stores in town. 343 00:13:57,729 --> 00:13:59,057 (weakly): They're all good. 344 00:13:59,081 --> 00:14:01,915 You can't live like this, the house is falling apart. 345 00:14:01,991 --> 00:14:03,711 This is awful, and it's all my fault. 346 00:14:03,735 --> 00:14:06,511 Oh, Pop, I am so sorry I abandoned you all. 347 00:14:06,588 --> 00:14:08,847 I never should've left home. What can I do? 348 00:14:08,965 --> 00:14:13,685 Just promise, when I die, that you will help our family. 349 00:14:13,762 --> 00:14:15,670 I will, I promise. 350 00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:18,840 This family will never want for anything ever again. 351 00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:21,359 - That's so generous. - Thank you. 352 00:14:21,478 --> 00:14:22,586 Chris, your hand. 353 00:14:22,588 --> 00:14:23,823 All right, now that that's settled, 354 00:14:23,847 --> 00:14:26,439 let's celebrate with some of the music of now 355 00:14:26,516 --> 00:14:28,325 with closed captioning. 356 00:14:29,519 --> 00:14:31,870 ♪ Music of now, music of now ♪ 357 00:14:31,947 --> 00:14:36,958 ♪ Music of now, music of now, music of now. ♪ 358 00:14:44,776 --> 00:14:46,885 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker, delivering the news 359 00:14:46,962 --> 00:14:50,388 with my Andy Rooney end-of-life eyebrows. 360 00:14:50,465 --> 00:14:52,115 You won't hear anything I'm saying 361 00:14:52,117 --> 00:14:53,541 because they're so distracting. 362 00:14:53,619 --> 00:14:56,228 Now, let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa, 363 00:14:56,304 --> 00:14:59,623 so we can be shocked at how well her people age. Tricia? 364 00:14:59,625 --> 00:15:02,550 Tom, I'm standing here with flawless skin 365 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:06,312 next to the shedding, crumbling, dusty ancient relics 366 00:15:06,389 --> 00:15:09,390 of white people my age. 367 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,817 (sneezes) 368 00:15:10,935 --> 00:15:13,745 Oh, Stewie, you've done so much to help our family. 369 00:15:13,864 --> 00:15:16,823 I can't believe you put in an elevator. 370 00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:19,476 Yes, and it even has elevator music. 371 00:15:19,478 --> 00:15:22,904 ♪ Music of now, music of now. ♪ 372 00:15:22,981 --> 00:15:25,815 Aw, and thanks for these virtual reality glasses, 373 00:15:25,817 --> 00:15:29,169 so I can watch porn while talking to the family. 374 00:15:29,245 --> 00:15:32,246 So what's California like, Stewie? Ugh. 375 00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:33,431 That was a penis. 376 00:15:33,508 --> 00:15:36,601 So, do-do you still want to know about California? 377 00:15:36,678 --> 00:15:37,661 No, I'm done. 378 00:15:37,663 --> 00:15:41,047 I have one more dying wish. 379 00:15:41,124 --> 00:15:44,693 Play the song, but play it slow because I am old. 380 00:15:46,004 --> 00:15:49,506 (slowed down): ♪ A-well-a everybody's heard ♪ 381 00:15:49,508 --> 00:15:51,675 ♪ About the bird... ♪ 382 00:15:51,677 --> 00:15:54,527 Family, help me dance. 383 00:15:54,646 --> 00:15:55,787 ♪ B-bird's a word ♪ 384 00:15:55,864 --> 00:15:58,456 ♪ A-well, a bird, bird, bird... ♪ 385 00:15:58,533 --> 00:16:00,775 - How long, Peter? - I'll say when. 386 00:16:00,852 --> 00:16:03,461 ♪ A-well, a bird, bird, bird ♪ 387 00:16:03,538 --> 00:16:06,298 ♪ Well-a bird is a word ♪ 388 00:16:06,374 --> 00:16:10,468 ♪ A-well, a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's a word ♪ 389 00:16:10,587 --> 00:16:13,713 ♪ A-well, a bird, bird, bird ♪ 390 00:16:13,790 --> 00:16:16,099 ♪ Well-a bird is a word. ♪ 391 00:16:18,595 --> 00:16:21,021 (knocking on door) 392 00:16:22,374 --> 00:16:24,541 Oh, Dr. Hartman, thank you for coming. 393 00:16:24,543 --> 00:16:26,651 Actually, I'm Dr. Hartman's son. 394 00:16:26,728 --> 00:16:29,562 Doctor Hartmanson? But I asked for Dr. Hartman. 395 00:16:29,681 --> 00:16:31,548 His jokes are getting worse, Doctor. 396 00:16:31,550 --> 00:16:34,475 Is there anything you can do for him? 397 00:16:34,553 --> 00:16:37,287 Now all we can do is wait. 398 00:16:39,558 --> 00:16:41,741 Lois... it's time. 399 00:16:41,818 --> 00:16:46,046 Oh, Peter, I'm gonna miss you so much. 400 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,674 I see a white light. 401 00:16:49,751 --> 00:16:52,344 There are others inside of it. 402 00:16:52,420 --> 00:16:55,013 Adam West, Carrie Fisher, 403 00:16:55,090 --> 00:16:56,901 Ricardo Montalbán, Phyllis Diller... 404 00:16:56,925 --> 00:16:59,759 Heaven is filled with every actor who ever died? 405 00:16:59,836 --> 00:17:02,595 No, this is actually just the ones who did our show 406 00:17:02,672 --> 00:17:04,522 right before they died. Crazy, right? 407 00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:07,267 Frank Sinatra Jr., Charles Durning, 408 00:17:07,343 --> 00:17:09,753 Lauren Bacall, Rodney Dangerfield, 409 00:17:09,755 --> 00:17:11,846 Roy Scheider, Waylon Jennings, 410 00:17:11,923 --> 00:17:14,724 Ed Asner by the time this airs certainly... 411 00:17:14,726 --> 00:17:16,851 Dad, you don't have to do this, there are too many. 412 00:17:16,928 --> 00:17:19,779 Uh-oh, Conway Twitty is here, and he's pissed. 413 00:17:19,897 --> 00:17:21,834 Wait, he's wearing the Darth Vader helmet. 414 00:17:21,858 --> 00:17:25,435 (chuckles) Never mind, he was cool with it. 415 00:17:25,437 --> 00:17:28,605 (sighs) This is it. 416 00:17:28,607 --> 00:17:30,715 (shuddering breaths) 417 00:17:30,792 --> 00:17:33,218 Oh, he's trying to say something. 418 00:17:33,336 --> 00:17:35,369 H-His final words. 419 00:17:35,447 --> 00:17:36,554 Lactating... 420 00:17:36,631 --> 00:17:39,391 pregnant... Latinas. 421 00:17:39,467 --> 00:17:43,270 (gasps) I will, Dad, I promise. 422 00:17:45,548 --> 00:17:48,275 (all crying) 423 00:17:53,982 --> 00:17:58,635 No, we won't cry for him, we will celebrate his life. 424 00:17:58,637 --> 00:18:02,322 The finest cigars for the finest family ever to live. 425 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:05,232 Oh, Stewie, we love you so much. 426 00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:08,661 And I love you, which is why I must not delay any longer. 427 00:18:08,738 --> 00:18:09,923 I must get my affairs in order 428 00:18:09,947 --> 00:18:13,316 and transfer my money to all of you. 429 00:18:13,318 --> 00:18:15,501 - I will see you all soon. - Oh, thank you, Stewie. 430 00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:18,138 - We love you. - Thanks. 431 00:18:30,335 --> 00:18:32,319 (all crying) 432 00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:39,075 (all laughing) 433 00:18:40,403 --> 00:18:41,678 We did it. We got him. 434 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,012 I feel like we're in The Sting, 435 00:18:43,014 --> 00:18:47,367 that movie from 100 years ago about 150 years ago. 436 00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:48,852 Great work tricking him, Brian. 437 00:18:48,854 --> 00:18:51,704 Thanks. Well, you know, I credit my years as a writer. 438 00:18:51,781 --> 00:18:54,466 When I planned the con, I saw Quahog as a character... 439 00:18:54,542 --> 00:18:56,176 Okay, that's enough. 440 00:19:06,037 --> 00:19:07,597 STEWIE: Had a pebble in my shoe. 441 00:19:07,630 --> 00:19:10,297 Of course I knew the whole thing was a scam. 442 00:19:10,375 --> 00:19:12,633 They probably did that "crying turning into laughing" thing 443 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,802 when I left, what a bunch of hacks. 444 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,880 They're too stupid to notice I snuck into the kitchen 445 00:19:16,882 --> 00:19:18,973 and turned up the gas before I left. 446 00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:23,203 Chris should be lighting his cigar right about... 447 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,831 (grunts) Stewie, help. 448 00:19:26,950 --> 00:19:30,168 It hurts! Reverse the pill! Let me die! 449 00:19:30,245 --> 00:19:35,415 Ooh, wish I could, but the pills were in the house, so, yeah... 450 00:19:35,491 --> 00:19:37,417 Stewie. Stewie! 451 00:19:37,535 --> 00:19:40,512 Stewie! Stewie! 452 00:19:40,588 --> 00:19:42,680 Stewie! Stewie! 453 00:19:42,757 --> 00:19:44,073 (stammers) Huh? What? 454 00:19:44,075 --> 00:19:45,853 What the hell is wrong with you? You've been staring 455 00:19:45,877 --> 00:19:48,669 at that old man Halloween costume for 30 minutes. 456 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,839 21 plus commercials, but it's a big decision. 457 00:19:51,917 --> 00:19:54,934 You know, I've always been afraid of being old, 458 00:19:55,011 --> 00:19:58,196 but now I think I'll like it just fine. 459 00:20:03,486 --> 00:20:05,611 Why are you walking so slowly? 460 00:20:05,688 --> 00:20:08,522 Turns out this costume is about 80% balls, 461 00:20:08,542 --> 00:20:12,435 and most of it's dragging behind me. 462 00:20:12,437 --> 00:20:13,603 (squeaking sound) 463 00:20:13,605 --> 00:20:16,030 - Uhp, we got a tangle. - Uhp, what do I do? 464 00:20:16,107 --> 00:20:17,342 Stop walking. I'll go back, you go forward. 465 00:20:17,366 --> 00:20:18,677 - Are you sure? - It's counterintuitive. 466 00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:20,777 I don't know, that-that doesn't seem right to me. 467 00:20:20,779 --> 00:20:22,703 -When you want to go left, you go right. -I'm just gonna pull forward. 468 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,017 - Don't pull, don't pull. - I-I think if you come this way, 469 00:20:25,041 --> 00:20:28,112 -and I go that way... -Just stop walking and listen to me. Everybody freeze. 470 00:20:28,136 --> 00:20:30,311 Okay, let's just think about this. 471 00:20:33,458 --> 00:20:34,458 (crowd cheering) 472 00:20:36,385 --> 00:20:38,719 People of Argentina, 473 00:20:38,797 --> 00:20:40,405 I have heard your cries, 474 00:20:40,523 --> 00:20:42,498 and I just want to say... 475 00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:43,633 Meg. Meg! 476 00:20:43,635 --> 00:20:45,726 I already told you you're not gonna be Evita. 477 00:20:45,804 --> 00:20:48,638 You're gonna be the back half of Edgar the Farting Horse. 478 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,249 Now get in. 479 00:20:53,645 --> 00:20:54,660 (loud fart) 480 00:20:54,737 --> 00:20:57,255 PETER: Hey. I do the farting.