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Jenny Jeselnik, how are your kids doing
tonight?

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Fantastic. We've got a perfect season
finale for you.

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00:00:37,220 --> 00:00:39,500
Reggie Watts and Kumail Nanjiani are
here.

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00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:45,900
But first, a lot of bad things happened
this week, but that's why you've got to

5
00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:46,900
stretch first.

6
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:52,560
You can do it. We can help. Last week, a
crazed man tried to cut off his arms by

7
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sawing them both down to the bone in a
California Home Depot.

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He actually didn't want to cut off his
second arm, but have you ever tried

9
00:01:00,350 --> 00:01:02,090
getting someone to help you in a Home
Depot?

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00:01:06,110 --> 00:01:10,990
Winter's coming. Facebook billionaire
Sean Parker has reportedly spent $9

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million on a Game of Thrones -themed
wedding.

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To stay true to the series, he'll have a
half -a -million -dollar gate, a $300

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,000 dance floor, and sex with his
sister.

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Step right up. A Florida carnival ride
operator was arrested last week for

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spanking the bottom of a young girl as
she got on a ride.

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Even worse, the ride she was getting on
was the Florida carnival ride operator.

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What's your plan B? Barbara Jean Wilkie,
the so -called mother of the anti

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-abortion movement, died last week at
the age of 90.

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Ironically, Wilkie died while vacuuming.

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Marco! In New York last week, a young
brother and sister who were reported

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missing were later found drowned in a
neighbor's above -ground pool.

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Residents in the surrounding
neighborhood are calling the tragedy the

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start of summer.

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Now, everybody's talking about this one.
Last week was the WNBA draft. Am I

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right?

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00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:26,840
The top amateur female basketball
players in the country found out who's

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pro and who's going to be the tall high
school gym teacher.

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And finally, Vegemite, an Australian man
who was pinned under a car for four

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days, was kept company by his loyal dog,
Boydie, who didn't leave his side the

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entire time. Despite four days of
hearing, Boydie, go get help, you piece

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sh**.

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That was a great monologue.

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shows that there's a link between
childhood bullying and psychological

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later in life.

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The study was conducted by tracking both
bullies from adolescence to adulthood

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and bullying victims from childhood to
the suicides.

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Now, clearly, bullying is a very
sensitive topic. And whenever a topic is

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sensitive to make a joke about, we make
a bunch of jokes about it in a segment

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we call Sacred Cow.

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Such a sensitive topic that I need help
this week. And who better to lend me a

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hand than the most gentle soul of all,
Jim Norton.

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Norton and I sat down with a young bully
and tried to get him to change his ways

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the only way we know how.

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By being dicks.

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Check it out.

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So DJ, you know why you're here.

47
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Yeah. You're a bully. Yeah.

48
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You ever get in trouble for bullying?

49
00:04:02,940 --> 00:04:03,759
Oh yeah.

50
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:04,760
And what's your punishment?

51
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Uh, suspension.

52
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,360
That happens a lot.

53
00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:08,720
You want us to help you stop it?

54
00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:13,040
Yeah. All right, you've got a couple
more years before you get out of school,

55
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we need to make sure you can control
yourself right now. Okay. We're going to

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bring in some really pathetic, easy
targets and see how well you can control

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yourself.

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Now let's have our first nerd come on in
here.

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You don't want to bully this girl at
all.

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No. You don't look at her and just
really want to say, marching band, huh?

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00:04:32,330 --> 00:04:33,770
Why don't you join jogging band?

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You don't think it would be fun to yell,
hey, look, a fat girl with a popcorn

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bucket on her head.

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You don't want to say, hey, do you play
scales or just crush them?

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You're not tempted to tell her, hey,
cheer up. If you lose 10 pounds, black

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will like you.

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You don't want to do that?

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Next.

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Picture how delicious it would be to
say, hey, look, it's Sharon Osbourne in

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1991.

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You don't want to go out and be like,
hey, look, it's The Cure, a teen

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pregnancy.

73
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Hey, don't feel bad. If none of the
girls in your high school bang you,

74
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always Comic -Con.

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Max,

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can I look at this nerd?

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You don't want to tell this girl, hey,
you can be whatever you want when you

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older, except for a model or a good
driver.

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Well, hey, I know I'm not as good as
math at you, but I can tell that you're

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three. Or maybe you want to tell her,
hey, cheer up. In a few years, your

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will really show you what to do with a
ping -pong ball.

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You don't want to say, hey,
congratulations on not being drowned at

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your parents realized you were a girl.
That doesn't appeal to you?

84
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No.

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Pretty good job today.

86
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What'd you learn? Your show sucks.

87
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You know what it was.

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Jeselnik Offensive. Kids, lately a lot
of people have been asking me, Anthony,

89
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penny for your thoughts?

90
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Well, you can keep your filthy penny.
It's time for the first annual top three

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00:06:13,170 --> 00:06:17,150
things we can't talk about at all for a
number of reasons that have been made

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clear to us repeatedly.

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First up, number three.

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I can't tell you what it is, but it is
the third worst thing in the world right

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now. And if I even hinted at what it
might be, some people think you would

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your mother -loving marbles. And that
brings us to not revealing even a single

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detail of number two.

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00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:46,540
No surprise here, number two comes in
second on the top three things we can't

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talk about at all for a number of
reasons that have been made clear to us

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repeatedly.

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Again, number two is pretty upsetting.
If I even spoke its name aloud, you

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feel something bad, and we desperately
want to avoid that at any cost because

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we're in the goddamn comedy business.

104
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And finally, gotta preface this next one
by telling you that the top thing on

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00:07:09,230 --> 00:07:12,990
our list of things we can't talk about
at all for a number of reasons that have

106
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been made clear to us repeatedly is so
terrible I've asked that it be censored

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because kumbaya or whatever the fuck.

108
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So brace yourselves for number... Now,
how does

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everybody feel?

110
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Me too.

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And now, I like my women like I like my
panel. Panel. It's time for panel.

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00:07:39,620 --> 00:07:45,020
Please welcome from IFC's Portlandia and
E's Burning Love, it's Kumail Nanjiani.

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Comedy Central's Alive at Central Park.
It's Reggie Watts.

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00:07:58,420 --> 00:08:01,580
Now, Kumail, you're on Franklin and
Bash.

115
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,860
What's it like working with Saved by the
Bell's Zach Morris?

116
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He's like just, you know what? He's like
so beautiful.

117
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Like, he's got like abs to his neck.

118
00:08:19,710 --> 00:08:22,510
I'm not gay, but if you see a unicorn,
you want to ride it, you know what I

119
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mean? Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

120
00:08:25,490 --> 00:08:29,610
Now, Reggie, is it true that you had an
encounter with UFOs?

121
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Yeah, I did.

122
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I'm from Montana, which is one of the
best states that you can be in for UFOs.

123
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Of course.

124
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And, yeah, and I had a great one. I was
on Robitussin.

125
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I just smoked some hash and, yeah, saw
some in a huge field.

126
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:44,840
It was pretty awesome.

127
00:08:44,980 --> 00:08:47,760
God, would have been so much cooler if
you were sober for that.

128
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I know, I know. That's what everyone
says, but I just like to have a little

129
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:55,120
when I see UFOs. Yeah, people say that,
but I think it's a mistake to be sober

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00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,120
for anything.

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00:08:56,820 --> 00:09:00,400
Now, let's get right into it with the
best worst thing of the week. Of all the

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00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,360
awful news stories, this one's my
favorite.

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00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,420
Baby, baby, baby, oy!

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00:09:04,780 --> 00:09:09,120
Justin Bieber caused a stir last week
when he visited the Anne Frank House in

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Amsterdam and wrote in the guest book
that he hoped Anne would have been a

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00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:13,700
believer.

137
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The incident has been voted the world's
lamest way to get into trouble in

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Amsterdam.

139
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I think he says he has a kinship with
Anne Frank because they were both

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00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:25,900
discovered at a young age.

141
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:27,160
No.

142
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I mean, it's like, I think that one of
the, probably the worst offenses that,

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you know, afterwards, because you only
get to hear, like, the first part,

144
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You know, what he says. But really what
he said after that was like, you know, I

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want to definitely go to camp with her
if I could.

146
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This is all going to seem so
insignificant once he kills his first

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know? That's true.

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00:09:49,470 --> 00:09:52,270
That's true. I'll look back on this and
laugh. Yeah, we'll be like, remember

149
00:09:52,270 --> 00:09:54,190
when he just dissed on the Holocaust?

150
00:09:55,910 --> 00:09:57,710
Your move, Amanda Bynes.

151
00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:03,700
I was thinking, like, you know, when
someone says, you know, Martha's fans

152
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:05,020
always send death threats?

153
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:08,720
But with Anne Frank, it's too late.

154
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:13,400
Yeah, you know, it's an interesting
thing because Justin Bieber suffers a

155
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:18,780
rare condition, which is he cannot find
secret passageways at all. No.

156
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,980
What's that condition called, Reggie?
It's called non -passage dyspepsia.

157
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,000
This is going to seem real harsh, but...

158
00:10:28,510 --> 00:10:32,310
We're all giving him grief for making
the Holocaust about himself, but you

159
00:10:32,310 --> 00:10:33,790
who else made the Holocaust about
themselves?

160
00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:35,350
Anne Frank.

161
00:10:36,950 --> 00:10:42,950
She's like, oh, everything's terrible.
There's 5 ,999 ,999 other Jews with

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00:10:42,950 --> 00:10:46,830
terrible lives, and none of them are
blogging about it. That's true.

163
00:10:47,670 --> 00:10:50,410
That's true. The Jews have totally
gotten over the Holocaust.

164
00:10:50,630 --> 00:10:52,050
They never bring that up.

165
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:55,270
Now, guys, Bieber's on a world tour
right now.

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What do you think he'll say in the guest
books and other different tragedies

167
00:10:58,820 --> 00:10:59,719
around the world?

168
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:03,460
Well, I think at the Statue of Liberty,
he'll probably say something like, I was

169
00:11:03,460 --> 00:11:05,900
so glad to be all up in your freedom,
girl.

170
00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:09,180
Good. Is that what Justin Bieber sounds
like? Yeah.

171
00:11:09,420 --> 00:11:10,420
Yeah, look at him.

172
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:11,840
Look,

173
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his lips and everything, that's the way
he talks.

174
00:11:15,540 --> 00:11:18,700
I think it'd be cool if he went to,
like, Gettysburg and was like, hey,

175
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:21,500
Gettysburg, thanks for an awesome war,
and now Usher's free.

176
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,920
At the Alamo, he could be like, hey, I
did it, Selena Gomez.

177
00:11:29,180 --> 00:11:31,700
We both learned the hard way not to
trust Mexicans.

178
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:39,660
Let's move on to not buying it. We make
fun of a product that's new and

179
00:11:39,660 --> 00:11:40,660
unfamiliar to us.

180
00:11:40,820 --> 00:11:42,840
Yeah, wear that bitch out.

181
00:11:43,140 --> 00:11:47,860
Some Japanese engineering students have
created a girlfriend coat, which hugs

182
00:11:47,860 --> 00:11:50,960
you and whispers in your ear, just like
a real girlfriend.

183
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:52,960
Or so they've been told.

184
00:11:53,610 --> 00:11:56,470
I like that there's another one in the
background, like he's going for a menage

185
00:11:56,470 --> 00:11:57,470
a trois.

186
00:11:59,110 --> 00:12:03,050
Now, guys, this coat whispers to you
like a girlfriend, but what does it

187
00:12:03,050 --> 00:12:04,110
actually whisper?

188
00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:08,570
Probably something like, I don't know
anyone at this party.

189
00:12:10,290 --> 00:12:11,290
Hey,

190
00:12:12,810 --> 00:12:14,290
I think we should see other coats.

191
00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:17,790
Does this coat make me look coat?

192
00:12:19,370 --> 00:12:22,590
A court that holds you tight like a
girl? Uh, no thanks. I'll wait for the

193
00:12:22,590 --> 00:12:23,590
pants.

194
00:12:27,670 --> 00:12:31,550
How do you let him hang like that? Oh,
sorry.

195
00:12:31,790 --> 00:12:38,750
Hey, um... You know, the coat's
reversible, you know? So when you do

196
00:12:38,810 --> 00:12:41,250
you turn her inside out. She turns into
a lesbian and starts hugging other

197
00:12:41,250 --> 00:12:42,250
coats.

198
00:12:43,090 --> 00:12:45,430
That version also has tons of utility
pockets.

199
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:51,930
Do you think he, like, is so used to it
now that his porn is looking at L .L.

200
00:12:51,950 --> 00:12:52,950
Bean catalogs?

201
00:12:55,370 --> 00:13:00,150
Peter Panel picks a panel of panel
panels. How many panel panels did Peter

202
00:13:00,150 --> 00:13:02,110
pick? We'll be right back with more
panels.

203
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,760
Welcome back. I'm on a C -panel diet.

204
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,900
I C -panel and I panel it. It's more
panel.

205
00:13:24,820 --> 00:13:29,580
And now for our segment, Culture
Clubbing, where we take a baseball bat

206
00:13:29,580 --> 00:13:31,880
china shop of human intellectual
achievement.

207
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,800
Start the bidding at zero.

208
00:13:34,020 --> 00:13:38,820
Murder suspect Jodi Arias is selling
original artwork to cover her legal

209
00:13:38,820 --> 00:13:43,380
expenses. Her boyfriend died from 29
stab wounds, a slit throat, and a

210
00:13:43,380 --> 00:13:45,580
to the head. So critics, be kind.

211
00:13:48,490 --> 00:13:51,330
I like that she's like, ah, I've made
some mistakes.

212
00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:56,310
It's weird that her crime was so violent
because her artwork is so subtle.

213
00:13:58,550 --> 00:14:01,890
I think her boyfriend saw her painting
and was like, ugh, kill me now.

214
00:14:04,590 --> 00:14:10,070
You know, she considers it Baroque art,
you know, because she's Baroque and

215
00:14:10,070 --> 00:14:11,070
needs some money.

216
00:14:13,690 --> 00:14:14,730
Classic Watts.

217
00:14:15,590 --> 00:14:16,590
Classic.

218
00:14:17,130 --> 00:14:21,210
I mean, you know, it's not bad, but it's
not something you would nail to a wall

219
00:14:21,210 --> 00:14:22,930
like you would a boyfriend, for
instance.

220
00:14:24,090 --> 00:14:25,750
True. That's very true.

221
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:28,890
You know, according to a coroner, she
also does nudes.

222
00:14:34,070 --> 00:14:38,790
At first, at first she claimed the
painting was done by two masked

223
00:14:42,670 --> 00:14:47,030
All right, guys, now it's time to play
the game Great Artist or Terrible

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00:14:47,170 --> 00:14:50,450
I'm going to show you a painting, and
you tell me if it was painted by a great

225
00:14:50,450 --> 00:14:55,010
artist or a terrible person. All right,
all right. Here's your first picture.

226
00:14:55,370 --> 00:14:57,310
Great artist or terrible person?

227
00:14:57,510 --> 00:14:59,070
I mean, it's clearly both.

228
00:14:59,930 --> 00:15:05,050
It is both. That's Jodi Arias in the
cutthroat art world. Color her a star.

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That is hers?

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Yeah. Why are you so surprised?

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We just told you she's a f***. Painter.

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Well, I wouldn't have thought that that
would be the first one you would show

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us. That's why we showed it to you
first. Ah, you guys win again.

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We win every time.

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It's my TV show. I'm on the Jeselnik
defensive.

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I think you're on the Nanjiani nothing.

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Doesn't even make sense. Still gets an
ooh, because it's my...

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Alright. Let's take a look at this next
painting, guys. Terrible artist.

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I mean, terrible... Terrible person.

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I'll go with good artist.

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The answer is Hitler.

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Both. He was a Third Reich leader, but a
first -rate painter.

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This is not terrible.

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I would pay up to six million dollars
for it.

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All right.

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Check out this next painting.

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Great artist or terrible person?

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It's a great artist, obviously.

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Great artist.

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It's Judy Arias again.

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No. Yes. No, that is John Wayne Gacy,
great artist and terrible person. I'll

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tell you this, guys. If I saw that
painting on the side of the road, I

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befriend it, take it home to my house,
have sex with it, and then kill it.

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And now... turn off the baby monitor and
call up the morgue. It's defending your

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tweet.

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You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it
and ask you to defend it in front of

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all these people.

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Kumail Nanjiani.

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On March 24th, you tweeted, Banana Laffy
Paffy, why don't you just stick a fork

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in my dick?

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Kumail, defend your tweet.

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What do you want me to do?

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I can't do anything with this. It's
horrible.

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I want you to explain how you ended up
wanting a fork in your dick.

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Do you like banana Laffy Taffy? No, it's
horrible.

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Okay. It's like someone whispered the
word banana into a piece of silly putty.

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Now that's what I'm looking for. That's
the defense, Kumail.

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Shut the f*** up.

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On November 1st, you tweeted. You're
going to just have to redo it if you

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give me a high five. No.

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You're just going to have to redo it.
Oh!

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Oh!

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Oh!

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Oh!

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Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

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Oh! Oh! Oh!

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Oh! Oh!

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00:17:59,770 --> 00:18:00,509
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

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Oh!

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Oh!

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Oh!

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Everything's cool, guys. I'm okay.

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Can I get a refill?

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Yeah, somebody run to a liquor store.

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Reggie, on November 1st, Reggie, on
November 1st, you tweeted,

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confusing either or question, children
or anal?

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00:18:29,810 --> 00:18:31,130
Reggie Watts, defend your tweet.

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00:18:31,810 --> 00:18:36,970
First of all, I think it's a totally
reasonable thing to question.

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But, you know, the other thing is, it's
just two choices. They're not mixed.

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It's just clearly two choices. That's
it. They're not associated at all. It's

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just, you know, pick one.

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Weirdly, they're not mutually exclusive
either.

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Oh!

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Oh, my God.

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Finally, Pramail Nanjiani does something
right.

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Thank you guys both for being here
tonight. Be sure to watch Kumail's hour

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00:19:06,010 --> 00:19:09,470
special, Beta Male, premiering June 22nd
on Comedy Central.

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And check out Reggie's new video, if
you're f***ing, at jash .com.

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That's J -A -S -H dot com.

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We'll be right back with more show.

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Thanks again to Kumail Nanjiani, Reggie
Watts, and Jim Norton. Also get tickets

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00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:43,420
for my new spring tour at
anthonyjeselnik .com and follow me on

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00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:48,300
anthonyjeselnik. And to the show blog at
cc .com slash jeselnik. Tune in next

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00:19:48,300 --> 00:19:52,020
week, same bat time, same bat channel,
to get the premiere of the new series

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00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:55,780
Inside Amy Schumer. It's amazing, and
she's not so bad herself.

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And that's our season finale.

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00:19:58,090 --> 00:20:01,270
The Jess and Nick Offensive will be back
before you can say blueberry pie. But

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00:20:01,270 --> 00:20:04,710
before I go, let's take a look back at
the best moments from tonight's show.

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00:20:19,730 --> 00:20:20,730
Now,

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00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:28,510
Comedy Central has asked me, how can we
possibly top ourselves?

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Well, tonight, Kumail Nanjiani and
Reggie Watts will find out in Sex Crave.