1 00:00:33,970 --> 00:00:36,082 Good afternoon. Carry on. 2 00:00:36,106 --> 00:00:37,984 Sit down, sit down. 3 00:00:38,008 --> 00:00:40,920 Now then, everybody, I have exciting news, 4 00:00:40,944 --> 00:00:43,056 exciting news indeed. 5 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,892 Gasforth has been selected to host the next 6 00:00:45,916 --> 00:00:48,550 subdistrict regional police conference. 7 00:00:51,487 --> 00:00:53,866 Yes, I thought you'd be excited. 8 00:00:53,890 --> 00:00:55,768 When I read the letter this morning, 9 00:00:55,792 --> 00:00:58,270 I nearly had to have another cup of tea. 10 00:00:58,294 --> 00:01:01,107 We are to have an opportunity to put our views 11 00:01:01,131 --> 00:01:05,277 to a deputy assistant undersecretary of state to the cabinet, 12 00:01:05,301 --> 00:01:09,648 A man who has the ear of a man who has the ear of the man 13 00:01:09,672 --> 00:01:12,685 who has a foot in the home office. 14 00:01:12,709 --> 00:01:15,287 You've lost me completely now, sir. 15 00:01:15,311 --> 00:01:19,158 We are just two ears and a foot from the home secretary. 16 00:01:19,182 --> 00:01:21,160 We must not waste this chance 17 00:01:21,184 --> 00:01:23,129 to place the issues that really count 18 00:01:23,153 --> 00:01:24,764 right at the heart of government. 19 00:01:24,788 --> 00:01:26,298 You're absolutely right, sir. 20 00:01:26,322 --> 00:01:28,667 Let's ask the old git for a pay raise. 21 00:01:28,691 --> 00:01:31,003 There are some of us, constable Habib, who believe 22 00:01:31,027 --> 00:01:33,505 there is more to policing than the weekly stipend. 23 00:01:33,529 --> 00:01:36,609 Like being able to drive through red lights when you feel like it. 24 00:01:36,633 --> 00:01:38,878 I beg your pardon? 25 00:01:38,902 --> 00:01:41,536 And really cool riot gear like they have on robocop. 26 00:01:43,006 --> 00:01:44,316 And tear gas. 27 00:01:44,340 --> 00:01:46,452 I had to go with that once, it was brilliant. 28 00:01:46,476 --> 00:01:49,088 Except you have to check which way the wind is blowing 29 00:01:49,112 --> 00:01:51,958 'cause I forgot and it didn't half sting, went right in my eye. 30 00:01:51,982 --> 00:01:53,826 Goody. 31 00:01:53,850 --> 00:01:57,463 Tell 'em we want those long truncheons they have on "N.Y.P.D. Blue." 32 00:01:57,487 --> 00:01:59,365 Don't be absurd, constable. 33 00:01:59,389 --> 00:02:02,034 Those telegraph poles that american officers carry 34 00:02:02,058 --> 00:02:04,237 are just so much macho posturing. 35 00:02:04,261 --> 00:02:07,039 The traditional truncheon is perfectly adequate. 36 00:02:07,063 --> 00:02:09,708 Personally I've always felt more than satisfied 37 00:02:09,732 --> 00:02:12,534 with 14 inches hanging down inside my trouser leg. 38 00:02:16,173 --> 00:02:18,383 Have I said something amusing, constable Habib? 39 00:02:18,408 --> 00:02:19,483 No, sir. 40 00:02:19,508 --> 00:02:22,822 Then you will oblige me by wiping that silly grin off your face. 41 00:02:22,846 --> 00:02:26,392 Anyway, the subject of the conference is rather specific. 42 00:02:26,416 --> 00:02:28,928 We have been asked to prepare an initiative 43 00:02:28,952 --> 00:02:31,730 on an aspect of juvenile crime. 44 00:02:31,754 --> 00:02:33,332 So what do you think it should be? 45 00:02:33,356 --> 00:02:36,302 Truancy? Taking without consent? 46 00:02:36,326 --> 00:02:40,372 - The scourge of graffiti? - I don't see graffiti as a scourge, sir. 47 00:02:40,396 --> 00:02:42,597 I see it as a new urban art form. 48 00:02:44,734 --> 00:02:46,979 Have you run mad, constable Habib? 49 00:02:47,003 --> 00:02:49,615 No, I'm serious, sir. Isn't it just a vibrant 50 00:02:49,639 --> 00:02:51,717 and contemporary form of youth expression? 51 00:02:51,741 --> 00:02:54,877 No, it's a bunch of nasty little yobs scribbling on walls. 52 00:02:56,213 --> 00:02:59,315 I blame these awful fridge magnets. 53 00:03:03,820 --> 00:03:06,032 Yes, and for those of us who are conducting 54 00:03:06,056 --> 00:03:07,934 this briefing on earth... 55 00:03:07,958 --> 00:03:10,436 I've seen it at my niece's house. 56 00:03:10,460 --> 00:03:13,639 Every time her toddler does a nasty little scribble 57 00:03:13,663 --> 00:03:15,607 it gets stuck up on the fridge. 58 00:03:15,631 --> 00:03:19,846 - Yes... - And everyone has to say how nice it is. 59 00:03:19,870 --> 00:03:22,081 So young people grow up thinking that 60 00:03:22,105 --> 00:03:25,784 their stupid scribblings are somehow wonderful. 61 00:03:25,808 --> 00:03:28,321 So they carry on scribbling, forever searching 62 00:03:28,345 --> 00:03:32,791 for that warm glow of appreciation that they used to feel 63 00:03:32,815 --> 00:03:35,117 when standing round the fridge. 64 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,832 Yes, and that completes this week's training session 65 00:03:39,856 --> 00:03:42,634 for the Gasforth police synchronized idiots team. 66 00:03:42,658 --> 00:03:45,604 Perhaps you can return to the subject of juvenile crime. 67 00:03:45,628 --> 00:03:48,040 I think the first step is to stop seeing 68 00:03:48,064 --> 00:03:50,409 these kids as nothing but criminal thugs, sir. 69 00:03:50,433 --> 00:03:52,644 And what other description might one find 70 00:03:52,668 --> 00:03:54,713 for those who vandalize property, 71 00:03:54,737 --> 00:03:56,582 steal cars, and instruct me 72 00:03:56,606 --> 00:03:58,450 whenever I venture out in my helmet 73 00:03:58,474 --> 00:04:01,553 to remove the cold tit from my head? 74 00:04:01,577 --> 00:04:04,023 These kids are bored. We've got to provide them 75 00:04:04,047 --> 00:04:05,958 with some meaning in their lives. 76 00:04:05,982 --> 00:04:09,328 Yes, constable Habib, in fact I was thinking along similar lines. 77 00:04:09,352 --> 00:04:12,698 What do you suggest we do to bring about this sense of moral renewal? 78 00:04:12,722 --> 00:04:16,002 Well, we need real jobs, decent housing, 79 00:04:16,026 --> 00:04:19,405 we need long-term investment in the urban social infrastructure. 80 00:04:19,429 --> 00:04:22,308 Hmm. Yes, I was thinking more along the lines 81 00:04:22,332 --> 00:04:24,566 of a short camping trip. 82 00:04:25,635 --> 00:04:27,413 A camping trip? 83 00:04:27,437 --> 00:04:30,649 A bleeding camping trip? 84 00:04:30,673 --> 00:04:31,884 Blimey! 85 00:04:31,908 --> 00:04:34,086 Am I to take it that you do not approve 86 00:04:34,110 --> 00:04:35,922 of my proposed initiative? 87 00:04:35,946 --> 00:04:37,723 Yes you may take it, Raymond, 88 00:04:37,747 --> 00:04:40,326 and you may shove it up your truncheon pouch. 89 00:04:40,350 --> 00:04:43,529 Society is collapsing round our ears, 90 00:04:43,553 --> 00:04:48,367 and Baden-Powell here calls for a chorus of ging gang goolies. 91 00:04:48,391 --> 00:04:51,971 - Ging gang gooly. - What? 92 00:04:51,995 --> 00:04:54,506 The goolies are singular. 93 00:04:54,530 --> 00:04:56,742 The song you refer to goes, 94 00:04:56,766 --> 00:04:59,245 "ging gang gooly gooly gooly gooly wotcher 95 00:04:59,269 --> 00:05:01,747 ging gang goo ging gang goo"... 96 00:05:01,771 --> 00:05:03,749 Fowler! 97 00:05:03,773 --> 00:05:07,386 We are discussing youth crime, which will not be solved 98 00:05:07,410 --> 00:05:11,890 by shoving a sausage on a stick and whistling "kumbaya." 99 00:05:11,914 --> 00:05:15,761 It's war out there, mate, war, and the bleeding kids are winning. 100 00:05:15,785 --> 00:05:18,998 It's not war, Derek, or anything of the sort. 101 00:05:19,022 --> 00:05:23,169 The vast majority of young people are law-abiding citizens. 102 00:05:23,193 --> 00:05:25,237 I admit we don't like them, 103 00:05:25,261 --> 00:05:28,807 but if it were illegal to be sex-mad, 104 00:05:28,831 --> 00:05:31,277 tone-deaf, and impossible to understand, 105 00:05:31,301 --> 00:05:34,370 we should have to arrest the entire population of France. 106 00:05:36,373 --> 00:05:39,986 Our problem is the tiny minority of repeat offenders. 107 00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:43,356 Exactly, and what they need is a short, sharp shock, mate, 108 00:05:43,380 --> 00:05:45,591 not having their coddles mollied. 109 00:05:45,615 --> 00:05:48,527 I have no intention of mollying anyone. 110 00:05:48,551 --> 00:05:51,097 What I'm proposing is tough, demanding, 111 00:05:51,121 --> 00:05:53,732 but ultimately rewarding physical endeavor. 112 00:05:53,756 --> 00:05:56,369 There is a course for probationary young offenders 113 00:05:56,393 --> 00:05:58,437 run by brigadier Blaster Sump. 114 00:05:58,461 --> 00:06:01,107 Blaster Sump? That looney? 115 00:06:01,131 --> 00:06:04,743 - I admit he's eccentric. - Eccentric? The bloke tried to be the first man 116 00:06:04,767 --> 00:06:08,314 to reach the south pole in short trousers. 117 00:06:08,338 --> 00:06:12,751 Look, I'm not having you disgracing this station 118 00:06:12,775 --> 00:06:16,088 with a load of wishy-washy, diddums' 119 00:06:16,112 --> 00:06:20,192 half cock, up your social worker, folderol, 120 00:06:20,216 --> 00:06:25,231 blame it on society, psycho, sicko, socio, 121 00:06:25,255 --> 00:06:27,489 claptrap crap. 122 00:06:29,759 --> 00:06:31,793 Well at least I'm doing something. 123 00:06:32,795 --> 00:06:34,740 What are you doing? Nothing. 124 00:06:34,764 --> 00:06:37,609 Where's your passion? Your commitment? 125 00:06:37,633 --> 00:06:39,912 You know what your trouble is, don't you? 126 00:06:39,936 --> 00:06:42,515 You have no bottom, man. 127 00:06:42,539 --> 00:06:46,952 Did you just call me a man with no bottom? 128 00:06:46,976 --> 00:06:49,121 Yes I did. Apart, of course, 129 00:06:49,145 --> 00:06:51,757 from the one you use to communicate with. 130 00:06:51,781 --> 00:06:53,625 Right. I'll show you who's got 131 00:06:53,649 --> 00:06:55,794 the bigger bottom round this station. 132 00:06:55,818 --> 00:06:58,964 C.I.D. are gonna make a presentation. 133 00:06:58,988 --> 00:07:02,568 I'll show the conference what you do with juvenile offenders. 134 00:07:02,592 --> 00:07:04,803 You nick 'em, you lock 'em up, 135 00:07:04,827 --> 00:07:07,339 and you throw away the door. 136 00:07:07,363 --> 00:07:09,108 I mean the key. 137 00:07:09,132 --> 00:07:11,032 You throw away the key. 138 00:07:12,702 --> 00:07:15,414 All right, sir, let's see your driving license. 139 00:07:15,438 --> 00:07:17,549 Do you have any idea who my father is? 140 00:07:17,573 --> 00:07:19,908 I'm afraid I can't help you on that one, sir. 141 00:07:21,911 --> 00:07:23,578 Have you tried asking your mother? 142 00:07:27,016 --> 00:07:30,518 What do you reckon, sir? ♪ Doo-doo-doo, acid! ♪ 143 00:07:31,921 --> 00:07:34,466 Very nice, very ravey. 144 00:07:34,490 --> 00:07:38,003 - You gotta make the effort, haven't you, sir? - Yes you have, Kray. 145 00:07:38,027 --> 00:07:40,339 'Cause this is a very important operation. 146 00:07:40,363 --> 00:07:43,242 And it's my ass, and if you stuff it 147 00:07:43,266 --> 00:07:45,633 I'm going to end up very red in the face. 148 00:07:46,936 --> 00:07:49,414 Now, the kids in this squat 149 00:07:49,438 --> 00:07:51,951 are the nastiest little gits in the neighborhood? 150 00:07:51,975 --> 00:07:56,288 - All repeat offenders, sir. - Right, all we have to do is catch 'em at it. 151 00:07:56,312 --> 00:08:00,226 Undercover operation, constables, very sensitive stuff. 152 00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:02,061 Now... 153 00:08:02,085 --> 00:08:04,253 I'm a van driver, as you can see. 154 00:08:06,155 --> 00:08:09,902 You two will have to play the part of brain-dead juvenile morons. 155 00:08:09,926 --> 00:08:14,596 I'd probably be better off using some of Fowler's lot. 156 00:08:16,933 --> 00:08:18,878 - Did you hear that, Kray? - Yeah. 157 00:08:18,902 --> 00:08:22,714 I said a good one. I said, "I'd probably be better off..." 158 00:08:22,738 --> 00:08:24,716 Yes, brilliant, sir. 159 00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:28,120 Try not to be too hilarious, I've only got one pair of these trousers. 160 00:08:28,144 --> 00:08:31,556 Well anyway... Down to business. 161 00:08:31,580 --> 00:08:34,994 I'll show the subdistrict regional police conference 162 00:08:35,018 --> 00:08:37,629 what sort of kids the modern copper has to face. 163 00:08:37,653 --> 00:08:40,065 Nothing but villains and hooligans the lot of 'em. 164 00:08:40,089 --> 00:08:43,068 Do you know what? There's only one way to deal with it. 165 00:08:43,092 --> 00:08:44,904 You put the maternity hospitals 166 00:08:44,928 --> 00:08:47,139 inside the juvenile detention centers. 167 00:08:47,163 --> 00:08:49,041 What? 168 00:08:49,065 --> 00:08:51,810 Out of the mom and into the cell? 169 00:08:51,834 --> 00:08:55,881 - Yeah. - That's a very good idea, Kray. 170 00:08:55,905 --> 00:08:59,618 I may suggest that to the home secretary. 171 00:08:59,642 --> 00:09:01,653 Come on. 172 00:09:01,677 --> 00:09:04,990 I'm really looking forward to going on this camping trip, 173 00:09:05,014 --> 00:09:07,960 really getting back to basics. 174 00:09:07,984 --> 00:09:10,362 I always think that food tastes so much better 175 00:09:10,386 --> 00:09:13,332 if you have to open the tins yourself. 176 00:09:13,356 --> 00:09:15,700 Oh yes, it'll be good getting right back 177 00:09:15,724 --> 00:09:17,602 to nature and living life in the raw. 178 00:09:17,626 --> 00:09:21,106 You're not thinking of taking your clothes off are you, Kevin? 179 00:09:21,130 --> 00:09:23,943 As if. My mother would do her raving nana. 180 00:09:23,967 --> 00:09:25,877 Oh good, good. 181 00:09:25,901 --> 00:09:30,115 Because I always thought that naturism is a very dangerous idea. 182 00:09:30,139 --> 00:09:32,818 I mean it would only take one short-sighted squirrel. 183 00:09:32,842 --> 00:09:36,922 Well squirrels is all we're likely to see on this camping trip. 184 00:09:36,946 --> 00:09:38,690 Do you know, I wish there were still 185 00:09:38,714 --> 00:09:40,592 proper, dangerous wild animals. 186 00:09:40,616 --> 00:09:42,694 Then I could save constable Habib from one 187 00:09:42,718 --> 00:09:44,196 and she'd fall in love with me. 188 00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,498 Lots of women are scared of spiders. 189 00:09:46,522 --> 00:09:48,167 Maybe Maggie is. 190 00:09:48,191 --> 00:09:51,236 If I put one in her tent, maybe you could save her from it. 191 00:09:51,260 --> 00:09:53,105 Yes, yes, that's quite a good plan. 192 00:09:53,129 --> 00:09:54,806 But the only problem is... 193 00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:56,875 I wouldn't go within five million miles 194 00:09:56,899 --> 00:09:58,833 of any tent that had a spider in it. 195 00:10:02,271 --> 00:10:05,351 More social reports on juvenile repeat offenders, sir, 196 00:10:05,375 --> 00:10:07,719 mostly connected with drugs and alcohol. 197 00:10:07,743 --> 00:10:10,255 Oh, great curried dumplings. 198 00:10:10,279 --> 00:10:12,891 It really is very depressing, isn't it? 199 00:10:12,915 --> 00:10:15,027 I just want to show a few youngsters 200 00:10:15,051 --> 00:10:17,596 that innocent pastimes can be fun too. 201 00:10:17,620 --> 00:10:20,832 - Yes, sir. - I mean, I didn't need drink and drugs 202 00:10:20,856 --> 00:10:23,235 to have a good time when I was their age. 203 00:10:23,259 --> 00:10:25,460 I had meccano. 204 00:10:27,263 --> 00:10:30,909 Ecstasy? Huh! I'll tell you what ecstasy is- 205 00:10:30,933 --> 00:10:35,070 Completing a scale model of the fourth bridge, that's what ecstasy is. 206 00:10:36,406 --> 00:10:39,118 It makes me sad to see these children today 207 00:10:39,142 --> 00:10:42,388 with their drugs and sex and music. 208 00:10:42,412 --> 00:10:44,923 They'll never know the joy a young lad can have 209 00:10:44,947 --> 00:10:47,015 sitting alone in his room... 210 00:10:50,186 --> 00:10:53,332 With his tool in his hand... 211 00:10:53,356 --> 00:10:55,524 Tightening his little nuts. 212 00:10:59,028 --> 00:11:01,188 Sounds like you've got a cough coming on, constable. 213 00:11:01,212 --> 00:11:02,364 Yeah. 214 00:11:04,667 --> 00:11:06,778 Listen to 'em. 215 00:11:06,802 --> 00:11:09,014 Ruddy morons. 216 00:11:09,038 --> 00:11:11,483 High on ecstasy, no doubt. 217 00:11:11,507 --> 00:11:14,520 Yeah, well if that girl's on ecstasy, 218 00:11:14,544 --> 00:11:17,289 she should ask for her money back. 219 00:11:17,313 --> 00:11:19,281 Bas... 220 00:11:22,351 --> 00:11:24,329 - I've done it, Bas. - Told you it'd be easy. 221 00:11:24,353 --> 00:11:27,399 It was the most terrible thing I've ever had to do in my life. 222 00:11:27,423 --> 00:11:30,024 Yeah, yeah, it's horrible. Did you get my fags? 223 00:11:32,795 --> 00:11:35,964 Right, you two, this is it, let's hear your inane giggles. 224 00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:41,380 Not bad, not bad, we'll make detectives of you yet. 225 00:11:41,404 --> 00:11:43,805 Go on, then. Go and do your stuff. 226 00:11:46,609 --> 00:11:48,454 What's happening, man? Nice one. 227 00:11:48,478 --> 00:11:51,213 Yeah, happening. Sounds like a banging good rave. 228 00:11:52,248 --> 00:11:54,159 Got any E? I want to score. 229 00:11:54,183 --> 00:11:56,251 Bug off, copper. 230 00:12:02,691 --> 00:12:05,036 Some kids kicked over our bins, Pat. 231 00:12:05,060 --> 00:12:06,972 I was clearing it up a bit and I found this. 232 00:12:06,996 --> 00:12:09,475 You shouldn't have picked it up, it could be a bomb. 233 00:12:09,499 --> 00:12:12,100 If it is, it's a stink bomb. 234 00:12:20,143 --> 00:12:22,854 The social services are coming to take it to hospital 235 00:12:22,878 --> 00:12:25,557 - in about half an hour. - No hurry. 236 00:12:25,581 --> 00:12:28,827 How could somebody just dump their baby like that? 237 00:12:28,851 --> 00:12:31,029 She's so beautiful. 238 00:12:31,053 --> 00:12:33,298 She's ugly, Pat. 239 00:12:33,322 --> 00:12:36,268 All newborn babies are. They're like prunes. 240 00:12:36,292 --> 00:12:38,870 They get nice, but they start ugly. 241 00:12:38,894 --> 00:12:42,474 How would you look after you'd spent nine months in somebody's stomach? 242 00:12:42,498 --> 00:12:45,076 That's true, that's true. I've seen things 243 00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:48,980 that haven't spent more than five minutes in my stomach. 244 00:12:49,004 --> 00:12:53,908 I wouldn't want to go wheeling them around tesco's in a pram. 245 00:12:55,044 --> 00:12:56,921 Habib, it's all hands to the pumps. 246 00:12:56,945 --> 00:12:59,691 There's been a disturbance at the britannia social club. 247 00:12:59,715 --> 00:13:02,727 Some kind of right-wing meeting has developed into an affray. 248 00:13:02,751 --> 00:13:05,597 If it's fascists, sir, am I the best person to go? 249 00:13:05,621 --> 00:13:08,900 - I might provoke things. - What do you mean? 250 00:13:08,924 --> 00:13:12,070 Well, sir, I'm Asian. 251 00:13:12,094 --> 00:13:15,774 I don't care if you've just beamed down from venus, constable. 252 00:13:15,798 --> 00:13:19,110 You are a police officer and we recognize only one color- 253 00:13:19,134 --> 00:13:21,346 That of the thin blue line. 254 00:13:21,370 --> 00:13:24,372 For god's sake, Raymond, don't be such a pompous git. 255 00:13:25,774 --> 00:13:27,819 As a matter of fact, I did not hear that. 256 00:13:27,843 --> 00:13:30,044 I said don't be such a pompous git. 257 00:13:31,681 --> 00:13:33,548 Now look, you've upset the baby. 258 00:13:35,385 --> 00:13:38,086 Get off me, you fascist! 259 00:13:41,524 --> 00:13:44,436 Keep the noise down or I will lose my temper. 260 00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:46,805 - Ohhh! - We're not going to warn you again. 261 00:13:46,829 --> 00:13:49,475 - Into the cells. - Now, not next christmas. 262 00:13:49,499 --> 00:13:52,011 Paki cow. Get back to freakin' curryland. 263 00:13:52,035 --> 00:13:54,413 You ain't fit enough to lick english boots. 264 00:13:54,437 --> 00:13:57,016 - What did you say? - It's all right, Kevin. 265 00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:00,642 I said she's a black tart and she should go back to the jungle. 266 00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:05,090 I'm telling my mom. 267 00:14:05,114 --> 00:14:07,659 Oh no... 268 00:14:07,683 --> 00:14:09,928 You shouldn't have done that, Kevin. 269 00:14:09,952 --> 00:14:12,587 But thanks. 270 00:14:17,060 --> 00:14:19,938 Is she? Is she? 271 00:14:19,962 --> 00:14:22,174 Well I expect that'll just be wind. 272 00:14:22,198 --> 00:14:24,476 When I had her I found that just rubbing her back 273 00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:28,447 and the tinniest drop of calpol on her dummy and she'd go down. 274 00:14:28,471 --> 00:14:31,917 Well yes I know I only had her for three quarters of an hour, but- 275 00:14:31,941 --> 00:14:35,554 Well anyway, just make sure she's not sleeping on her tummy, and- 276 00:14:35,578 --> 00:14:38,490 Goodbye. 277 00:14:38,514 --> 00:14:40,559 - Do you want to know something? - No. 278 00:14:40,583 --> 00:14:43,028 10 years from now there won't be a woman on the force, 279 00:14:43,052 --> 00:14:45,064 and do you know why? Women's lib. 280 00:14:45,088 --> 00:14:47,433 Oh yeah? And how'd you work that out then? 281 00:14:47,457 --> 00:14:49,834 Women have babies, right? But you can't sack 'em, 282 00:14:49,858 --> 00:14:52,637 'cause if you do - bosh, 200 grand compensation. 283 00:14:52,661 --> 00:14:54,540 I don't see why a woman should lose her job 284 00:14:54,564 --> 00:14:57,008 for performing an essential function of existence. 285 00:14:57,032 --> 00:15:00,512 That's fine. Except your average villain objects to being interviewed 286 00:15:00,536 --> 00:15:02,471 by a copper with leaky nipples. 287 00:15:04,574 --> 00:15:07,886 Catch-22, isn't it? Can't do the job, can't be sacked. 288 00:15:07,910 --> 00:15:10,389 Answer - don't take 'em on in the first place. 289 00:15:10,413 --> 00:15:12,191 Not all women want babies, anyway. 290 00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:13,992 All women want babies. 291 00:15:14,016 --> 00:15:17,162 They say they don't, then bang, they turn 30 and suddenly it's 292 00:15:17,186 --> 00:15:21,200 "quick, put a bun in my oven before my gas runs out." 293 00:15:21,224 --> 00:15:23,469 You are such a neanderthal. 294 00:15:23,493 --> 00:15:25,937 - Eh? - Pat, you're in your 30s, 295 00:15:25,961 --> 00:15:29,941 - you aren't desperate for a child, are you? - No, not at all, not desperate. 296 00:15:29,965 --> 00:15:32,644 You have to remember the restrictions babies bring. 297 00:15:32,668 --> 00:15:35,914 The sleepless nights, the sick all over everything, 298 00:15:35,938 --> 00:15:38,717 the fat little cheeks you just want to gobble up. 299 00:15:38,741 --> 00:15:40,875 The laughs, the smiles. 300 00:15:42,211 --> 00:15:44,590 I can take it or leave it. 301 00:15:44,614 --> 00:15:48,216 Habib, you and Goody in my office, now. 302 00:15:50,186 --> 00:15:54,500 Constable Goody, I've received a very serious complaint. 303 00:15:54,524 --> 00:15:59,238 Did you punch a handcuffed 15-year-old boy last night 304 00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:01,340 while taking him to the cells? 305 00:16:01,364 --> 00:16:03,442 He was defending me, sir. 306 00:16:03,466 --> 00:16:06,044 He was defending you, constable Habib? 307 00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:07,712 Oh I see. 308 00:16:07,736 --> 00:16:09,548 And exactly what threat did this 309 00:16:09,572 --> 00:16:12,584 securely handcuffed juvenile pose? 310 00:16:12,608 --> 00:16:14,986 What he threatening to wither you with a glance? 311 00:16:15,010 --> 00:16:18,557 He was using racist abuse, sir. 312 00:16:18,581 --> 00:16:21,059 The boy has swastikas tattooed on his arms. 313 00:16:21,083 --> 00:16:23,462 What did you expect him to do? 314 00:16:23,486 --> 00:16:25,987 Give you a chorus of "ebony and ivory"? 315 00:16:28,257 --> 00:16:31,336 You fool, Goody. You bloody fool. 316 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,094 Suppose the lad had sustained brain damage? 317 00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:35,288 Huh! How would we tell? 318 00:16:35,313 --> 00:16:38,076 Don't you dare be facetious with me, young woman. 319 00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:40,315 I'm sorry, sir. 320 00:16:40,339 --> 00:16:43,081 I'm afraid we're a long way past sorry, constable. 321 00:16:43,105 --> 00:16:47,553 You have created an appallingly serious situation. 322 00:16:47,577 --> 00:16:49,846 I'm going to have to charge you with assault. 323 00:16:49,870 --> 00:16:51,036 Sir, you can't! 324 00:16:51,061 --> 00:16:53,864 - Did Goody hit the boy, constable Habib? - Yes, sir. 325 00:16:53,889 --> 00:16:56,328 Was Goody or anyone else in any physical danger at the time? 326 00:16:56,352 --> 00:16:58,363 - No, sir. - Under the circumstances then, 327 00:16:58,387 --> 00:17:00,365 what do you consider to be my duty? 328 00:17:00,389 --> 00:17:04,203 You - you could issue a severe reprimand, sir. 329 00:17:04,227 --> 00:17:06,938 I'm afraid I do not have that option, constable. 330 00:17:06,962 --> 00:17:09,598 The boy's mother is pressing charges. 331 00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:14,279 Constable Goody, you will continue with your duties, 332 00:17:14,303 --> 00:17:16,994 pending an investigation for unprovoked assault. 333 00:17:17,025 --> 00:17:18,199 Yes, sir. 334 00:17:18,224 --> 00:17:19,507 That will be all. 335 00:17:20,809 --> 00:17:22,588 These boots are killing me. 336 00:17:22,612 --> 00:17:26,024 You should have stuffed them with damp newspaper, and leave overnight. 337 00:17:26,048 --> 00:17:28,427 Ah, good, good. Carry on, carry on. 338 00:17:28,451 --> 00:17:30,452 Marvelous. 339 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,165 Well sergeant, we're off. 340 00:17:34,189 --> 00:17:37,502 It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. 341 00:17:37,526 --> 00:17:41,940 We shall drive to the squat, collect a minibus full of miscreants, 342 00:17:41,964 --> 00:17:46,144 and escort them along the rocky path to the straight and narrow. 343 00:17:46,168 --> 00:17:48,513 Yes, Raymond, and perhaps next weekend 344 00:17:48,537 --> 00:17:50,649 you could take the Arabs and the Israelis 345 00:17:50,673 --> 00:17:52,840 to Chessington zoo for the day? 346 00:17:54,209 --> 00:17:56,888 Dear, oh dear. 347 00:17:56,912 --> 00:17:59,190 Dib-dib-dib. 348 00:17:59,214 --> 00:18:01,326 Dob-dob-dob. 349 00:18:01,350 --> 00:18:03,528 Lovely legs, Raymond. 350 00:18:03,552 --> 00:18:06,064 You watch out for those sheep, 351 00:18:06,088 --> 00:18:08,222 they'll nibble your toggle, mate. 352 00:18:09,825 --> 00:18:12,337 Are you sure I can't persuade you to come, Derek? 353 00:18:12,361 --> 00:18:15,507 I'm a policeman, not a bleeding girl guide, Raymond. 354 00:18:15,531 --> 00:18:18,176 Besides, I'm rather busy tonight. 355 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,680 While you fanny about rewarding young offenders, 356 00:18:21,704 --> 00:18:24,182 I shall be nicking a few. 357 00:18:24,206 --> 00:18:26,808 Dear, oh dear, oh dear. 358 00:18:30,713 --> 00:18:33,558 Go, go, go, go, go, go. 359 00:18:33,582 --> 00:18:35,883 Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 360 00:18:38,754 --> 00:18:41,933 Right, they've had long enough. Kray, give it some mallet. 361 00:18:41,957 --> 00:18:45,794 They're out now. Some of your lot have taken 'em camping. 362 00:18:49,198 --> 00:18:51,800 Fowler has nicked my villains. 363 00:18:58,574 --> 00:19:01,653 My name's blaster sump, damn you. 364 00:19:01,677 --> 00:19:04,990 Now- 365 00:19:05,014 --> 00:19:07,292 You play a straight bat with me 366 00:19:07,316 --> 00:19:10,062 and you'll find we'll rub along pretty well together. 367 00:19:10,086 --> 00:19:12,630 Use a bent bat, however, a wobbly bat, 368 00:19:12,654 --> 00:19:15,500 A bat with a hole in it and bits sticking out of the end, 369 00:19:15,524 --> 00:19:19,704 and by thunder I'll crush your young testicles beneath the hard granite 370 00:19:19,728 --> 00:19:21,873 of the mull of Ben Craggy. 371 00:19:21,897 --> 00:19:24,409 And those of the party not equipped with testicles? 372 00:19:24,433 --> 00:19:28,013 - The victims of tragic accidents, you mean? - No, I mean girls. 373 00:19:28,037 --> 00:19:31,616 Fortunately I've never been called upon to discipline a girl. 374 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,918 No, quite the other way round as a matter of fact. 375 00:19:33,942 --> 00:19:37,122 Oh, hell's tits! 376 00:19:37,146 --> 00:19:39,691 Yes? Brigadier Blaster Sump, damn you. 377 00:19:39,715 --> 00:19:41,716 What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy? 378 00:19:43,052 --> 00:19:45,063 Damn technology. 379 00:19:45,087 --> 00:19:48,900 A present from Mrs. Blaster Sump, God rot her vicious soul. 380 00:19:48,924 --> 00:19:52,170 "Hey, guvnor," I said, "do you want to buy me something useful? 381 00:19:52,194 --> 00:19:54,306 Then get me a big stick with a nail in the end 382 00:19:54,330 --> 00:19:56,875 and somebody who deserves a damn good thrashing." 383 00:19:56,899 --> 00:19:59,444 Huh? Huh? Huh? 384 00:19:59,468 --> 00:20:01,713 Ah... Mmm. 385 00:20:01,737 --> 00:20:05,283 Now here's your gear, you'll find everything you could possibly need, 386 00:20:05,307 --> 00:20:07,486 from lavatory paper to sandpaper. 387 00:20:07,510 --> 00:20:09,454 Don't confuse the two. 388 00:20:09,478 --> 00:20:12,924 I did myself once. Not a wholly unpleasant experience, 389 00:20:12,948 --> 00:20:15,860 but then I went to charterhouse. 390 00:20:15,884 --> 00:20:18,130 Right, well I think that's everything. 391 00:20:18,154 --> 00:20:21,666 Let's get up that mountain like a ferret up a trouser leg, huh? 392 00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:24,236 Brigadier Blaster Sump- 393 00:20:24,260 --> 00:20:26,238 Yes, young lady? 394 00:20:26,262 --> 00:20:29,441 I'm a trained orienteer, as are two of my officers. 395 00:20:29,465 --> 00:20:31,676 We wish only to use your equipment. 396 00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:33,412 Damn you, you bitch! 397 00:20:33,436 --> 00:20:35,447 Are you telling me I'm off the team? 398 00:20:35,471 --> 00:20:37,482 Reluctantly, sir, yes. 399 00:20:37,506 --> 00:20:39,284 Oh well, probably just as well. 400 00:20:39,308 --> 00:20:41,653 I like to sleep naked when I'm out of doors. 401 00:20:41,677 --> 00:20:45,323 We don't want you young ladies getting all flushed and dampened, do we? 402 00:20:45,347 --> 00:20:47,659 It's not that I cut quite such a dash as I used to 403 00:20:47,683 --> 00:20:50,662 since that savage encounter with a short-sighted squirrel. 404 00:20:50,686 --> 00:20:55,067 All right then, off you go and last one to the summit's a euro-federalist. 405 00:20:55,091 --> 00:20:57,825 Go on, go away with you. 406 00:21:02,764 --> 00:21:07,079 Now, when I was a boy scout back in Trinidad, 407 00:21:07,103 --> 00:21:09,781 they taught us how to light a fire with a stick 408 00:21:09,805 --> 00:21:11,739 and a piece of string. 409 00:21:13,509 --> 00:21:17,479 I could never understand why because I found it a lot easier to use matches. 410 00:21:20,483 --> 00:21:23,328 Well, long walk tomorrow. 411 00:21:23,352 --> 00:21:25,197 Best turn in. 412 00:21:25,221 --> 00:21:27,232 Great heavenly chestnuts, 413 00:21:27,256 --> 00:21:29,991 my sleeping bag will be a welcome sight tonight. 414 00:21:34,130 --> 00:21:36,074 Unless of course I can interest anyone 415 00:21:36,098 --> 00:21:38,299 in a chorus or two of "ging gang gooly gooly." 416 00:21:39,835 --> 00:21:42,036 Sir, sir. Natalie's disappeared. 417 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,418 - Natalie! - Natalie! 418 00:21:46,442 --> 00:21:48,443 - Natalie! - Natalie! 419 00:21:52,114 --> 00:21:54,659 Nothing at all, sir. She's vanished. 420 00:21:54,683 --> 00:21:57,996 What on earth could have moved the girl to abscond like that? 421 00:21:58,020 --> 00:22:00,765 On wrong step in the dark and she could fall to her death. 422 00:22:00,789 --> 00:22:03,268 Inspector Fowler we found her. 423 00:22:03,292 --> 00:22:06,371 This is your fault, Bas. You made me do it. 424 00:22:06,395 --> 00:22:09,241 Do what? Tell me what this nonsense is all about, boy, 425 00:22:09,265 --> 00:22:11,643 or by thunder you'll live to regret it. 426 00:22:11,667 --> 00:22:14,746 It's the baby. I told her to get rid of it. 427 00:22:14,770 --> 00:22:18,116 So the silly cow dumped it by some rubbish outside your nick. 428 00:22:18,140 --> 00:22:21,052 She reckons it got thrown away, she reckons she killed it. 429 00:22:21,076 --> 00:22:24,822 I say so what? Who cares? It probably weren't mine anyway. 430 00:22:24,846 --> 00:22:27,048 Why, you little- 431 00:22:30,419 --> 00:22:33,231 Natalie... 432 00:22:33,255 --> 00:22:35,833 - I found your baby. - You found her? 433 00:22:35,857 --> 00:22:38,002 Yes, she's all right, she's in hospital. 434 00:22:38,026 --> 00:22:41,306 - You didn't kill her. - I didn't mean it. 435 00:22:41,330 --> 00:22:43,441 I do love her. 436 00:22:43,465 --> 00:22:47,479 Well I think it's time we all got some rest. 437 00:22:47,503 --> 00:22:51,149 As you go to sleep, I want you to think hard about the lessons learned today. 438 00:22:51,173 --> 00:22:53,918 Think about... 439 00:22:53,942 --> 00:22:55,910 Turning over a new leaf. 440 00:22:57,979 --> 00:23:02,060 - Will you do that? - Yes, inspector Fowler. 441 00:23:02,084 --> 00:23:04,485 Good night. 442 00:23:16,131 --> 00:23:19,066 Oh, bugger! 443 00:23:22,137 --> 00:23:23,982 Habib that is enough. 444 00:23:24,006 --> 00:23:26,918 I cannot drop the charges against constable Goody. 445 00:23:26,942 --> 00:23:29,120 The boy's mother is here now. 446 00:23:29,144 --> 00:23:31,522 There is nothing I can do about it. 447 00:23:31,546 --> 00:23:33,958 I bet you could if you really wanted to. 448 00:23:33,982 --> 00:23:36,995 - Don't be insubordinate, constable. - But you don't want to 449 00:23:37,019 --> 00:23:39,497 because you think he should be charged. And why? 450 00:23:39,521 --> 00:23:43,868 Because the precise letter of the law is more important to you than justice. 451 00:23:43,892 --> 00:23:45,403 You understand what Kevin did. 452 00:23:45,427 --> 00:23:47,438 You nearly slapped that thug on the mountain. 453 00:23:47,462 --> 00:23:50,408 And had I done so I would expect to face the consequences. 454 00:23:50,432 --> 00:23:52,844 We do not have a choice in this matter. 455 00:23:52,868 --> 00:23:56,915 The police cannot choose when and when not to enforce the law. 456 00:23:56,939 --> 00:24:01,252 If we do that, how can we expect the public ever to trust us? 457 00:24:01,276 --> 00:24:04,655 If I could see a way out of this, believe me I'd take it. 458 00:24:04,679 --> 00:24:06,748 But I can't. 459 00:24:12,087 --> 00:24:16,190 Ah, come in. Please sit down. 460 00:24:19,762 --> 00:24:22,941 Now then, Mrs. Bludger, 461 00:24:22,965 --> 00:24:26,044 you have brought charges of assault against one of my officers. 462 00:24:26,068 --> 00:24:29,180 Where's the thug that hit my defenseless boy? 463 00:24:29,204 --> 00:24:33,051 Little Geoffrey here could have been permanently brain damaged. 464 00:24:33,075 --> 00:24:34,652 Possibly... 465 00:24:34,676 --> 00:24:37,889 But I cannot imagine how we would tell. 466 00:24:37,913 --> 00:24:41,592 I want to know from the lad himself exactly what happened. 467 00:24:41,616 --> 00:24:44,328 I ain't talkin' to no copper without my lawyer. 468 00:24:44,352 --> 00:24:48,122 You bleeding well talk to him or I'll fetch your father from the pub. 469 00:24:54,329 --> 00:24:58,843 Mrs. Bludger, are you aware of the european law regarding the treatment of minors? 470 00:24:58,867 --> 00:25:00,597 Eh? 471 00:25:00,621 --> 00:25:02,680 Oh well, it doesn't matter. Ignorance is no defense. 472 00:25:02,704 --> 00:25:05,950 I'm arresting you for assaulting your child. 473 00:25:05,974 --> 00:25:09,687 - Do what? - On the other hand, of course, 474 00:25:09,711 --> 00:25:12,713 we could forget the whole thing. 475 00:25:14,182 --> 00:25:16,127 I hope you learned your lesson, laddie. 476 00:25:16,151 --> 00:25:17,985 Yes I have, sir, thank you for asking. 477 00:25:19,855 --> 00:25:24,024 Of all the juveniles in Gasforth and you had to pinch mine. 478 00:25:25,994 --> 00:25:28,706 We worked damn hard on that pull. 479 00:25:28,730 --> 00:25:31,242 - Didn't we, Kray? - What? 480 00:25:31,266 --> 00:25:34,678 Now I've got nothing to present to the deputy assistant undersecretary 481 00:25:34,702 --> 00:25:37,115 at the subdistrict regional conference. 482 00:25:37,139 --> 00:25:39,683 Well, Derek, I've been thinking. 483 00:25:39,707 --> 00:25:42,720 Oh, god save us! 484 00:25:42,744 --> 00:25:45,156 The conference is about youth. 485 00:25:45,180 --> 00:25:48,126 Who better to discuss it than youthful coppers? 486 00:25:48,150 --> 00:25:51,328 You have a story to tell, constable Goody. 487 00:25:51,352 --> 00:25:54,232 Perhaps conference should hear it? 488 00:25:54,256 --> 00:25:57,758 Yes, I think it should. 489 00:26:03,231 --> 00:26:05,232 What story would that be then? 490 00:26:13,775 --> 00:26:16,053 I couldn't believe the crush at the checkout. 491 00:26:16,077 --> 00:26:18,055 I was in the six-items-or-less queue. 492 00:26:18,079 --> 00:26:20,825 The woman in front of me had some special-offer toothpaste, 493 00:26:20,849 --> 00:26:23,360 A big tube with a little one cellotaped on for free. 494 00:26:23,384 --> 00:26:25,129 That's two items, isn't it? 495 00:26:25,153 --> 00:26:27,165 Which brought her up to seven. 496 00:26:27,189 --> 00:26:29,200 Seven items in the six items queue. 497 00:26:29,224 --> 00:26:31,202 I cannot stand that sort of thing. 498 00:26:31,226 --> 00:26:33,370 Well you're right not to. 499 00:26:33,394 --> 00:26:36,640 That type of antisocial behavior corrupts the entire system. 500 00:26:36,664 --> 00:26:39,410 - I hope you said something. - I very nearly said something. 501 00:26:39,434 --> 00:26:42,346 - You should have said something. - I was gonna say something. 502 00:26:42,370 --> 00:26:45,049 Then I saw these on a promotional stand by the till. 503 00:26:45,073 --> 00:26:47,285 I just couldn't resist them. What do you think? 504 00:26:47,309 --> 00:26:49,586 I don't think they'll fit you. 505 00:26:49,610 --> 00:26:51,655 I don't know why I got them really, 506 00:26:51,679 --> 00:26:54,192 just they were on special and it seemed silly not to. 507 00:26:54,216 --> 00:26:56,527 I suppose now we've got the socks and everything, 508 00:26:56,551 --> 00:26:58,362 it'd be silly not to have a baby. 509 00:26:58,386 --> 00:27:00,932 Well I have to think about these things, 510 00:27:00,956 --> 00:27:04,302 - I'm not getting any younger. - Nobody gets any younger, Patricia, 511 00:27:04,326 --> 00:27:07,138 with the possible exception of Joan Collins. 512 00:27:07,162 --> 00:27:08,973 It's just a fact of life. 513 00:27:08,997 --> 00:27:10,975 It's all very well for you, 514 00:27:10,999 --> 00:27:13,244 you've been married, you've had a child. 515 00:27:13,268 --> 00:27:17,215 Yes, and he's the best argument I can think of for not having another. 516 00:27:17,239 --> 00:27:20,751 Besides which, we haven't got time to start a family. 517 00:27:20,775 --> 00:27:24,956 Ours is not an occupation one can walk away from at the end of the day. 518 00:27:24,980 --> 00:27:28,125 I'm a police officer. You're a police officer. 519 00:27:28,149 --> 00:27:31,595 - I am also a woman. - I know that, Patricia. 520 00:27:31,619 --> 00:27:33,364 But you must get a grip. 521 00:27:33,388 --> 00:27:35,499 There is no place in the queen's uniform 522 00:27:35,523 --> 00:27:37,624 for ill-disciplined hormones. 523 00:27:41,662 --> 00:27:43,640 You do realize, Patricia, 524 00:27:43,664 --> 00:27:46,077 that if you hit me with that halibut, 525 00:27:46,101 --> 00:27:48,980 you lay yourself open to charges of assault. 526 00:27:49,004 --> 00:27:51,815 Give me the fish, Patricia. 527 00:27:51,839 --> 00:27:53,774 Give me the fish. 528 00:28:00,282 --> 00:28:02,994 You may think yourself lucky that we're not having 529 00:28:03,018 --> 00:28:04,996 A leg of lamb for supper tonight, 530 00:28:05,020 --> 00:28:07,331 or this whole incident could have been 531 00:28:07,355 --> 00:28:10,057 much more serio-