1 00:00:02,760 --> 00:00:04,840 PAT: OK. Thank you, Lady B. 2 00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:07,480 Right, for me, it's a nice day, 3 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:10,760 so I would go for my tracky Bs, my tracky T and my white Hi-Tecs. 4 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,600 ALL: Ooh! Trendy. 5 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:14,240 Robin? Eh... 6 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:17,200 ..Apollo A7L spacesuit. 7 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:20,040 You've got liquid cooling, portable life-support system, 8 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:21,680 locking cuff, go, "Kshhh..." 9 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,600 Spaceman. Yeah, really cool. 10 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:25,400 It is cool. Julian? 11 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,360 Trousers. Right, any sort of...? 12 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,520 No, any kind of trousers. 13 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:32,560 It's funny, you don't miss them till they're gone. 14 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,240 No. Kitty? 15 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:39,640 Blue jeans...and a green jumper. 16 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,320 Like Alison? 17 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:43,680 Oh, gosh. Yes! 18 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,560 We'd be like twins. Captain? 19 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:46,720 This. 20 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:49,600 You're kidding. No. We're saying you get up in the morning 21 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,080 and you can wear whatever you like. 22 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:54,280 Thomas is wearing double denim with aviators! 23 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:56,160 So...? And Mary 24 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:58,640 is wearing a dress made out of seashells. 25 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:01,840 With a simple lobster hat. 26 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:03,960 Still wouldn't change a thing. All right. 27 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,840 Well, that's it for What I Would Wear If I Could Today...today. 28 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:10,040 Don't forget, later, Julian will be giving a speech 29 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:13,160 at 6pm sharp, on the art of spin. 30 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:16,640 Is that off spin or leg spin? Because... 31 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:20,440 No, no. Different kind of spin. It's a political tactic, coined in the... 32 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,960 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's save it for later. 33 00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,400 Yeah, OK, yeah, OK. Cool, cool. 34 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:27,160 Look at all these bits I found out there. Could be valuable. 35 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,880 ALL: Ooh... That's interesting. That might be worth something. 36 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,520 Is that Queen Victoria? Oh, that's Elizabeth II. 37 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:33,840 Which one's that? 38 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,160 Our one. Oh, I despair! 39 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,320 Hmm. There might be something else worth something. 40 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:40,360 There's an old pipe and whatever this is. 41 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,720 Ah, looks like a musket ball. 42 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,920 Yes, I think it is. They think it's a musket ball. 43 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,440 It is. 44 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,760 Thomas, you don't think that it's the one that...? 45 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,080 I know it. 46 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,360 HE GASPS SHARPLY 47 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,160 Oh, God. 48 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:54,760 Oh, God, it burns! 49 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:57,680 CRYING: Mock me no more, cruel world! 50 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:00,800 It is a musket ball. 51 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,960 UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY 52 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,040 Are you sure you want me to come? 53 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,640 Everyone's bringing partners. Yeah, but it's your reunion. 54 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:31,120 I didn't even go to your school. I'll just be like a lemon. 55 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,080 Obi's going to be there. You can talk to him. 56 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,960 Is that Kevin guy going? 57 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,480 Kevin McMahan? 58 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,040 You know who I'm talking about. 59 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,640 The one you dumped when you met me. 60 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,520 I don't know. Maybe. 61 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,600 Is his partner going to be there? I don't know. 62 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,680 I don't know if he has one. 63 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,280 Right. OK. 64 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,960 Yeah, cool. Are you OK? Yep. Cool. 65 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,280 OK. Cool. 66 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,720 Cool, cool, cool. I am cool. 67 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,920 THOMAS CLEARS HIS THROAT 68 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:05,080 Thomas. 69 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:08,200 I wanted to apologise for my outburst earlier today. 70 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:12,520 Which one? You are kind to make light of it. 71 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,920 It must've been a shock to see me so ruled by my emotions. 72 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:19,520 Erm... You see, I was overcome with the memory of it all. 73 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,720 Come in. 'Tis not a pleasant thing to contemplate, as you can imagine. 74 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,360 Hmm. 75 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,760 Perhaps I can give you account of the unhappy events 76 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:28,480 of that fateful day. 77 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:29,760 Oh, you don't have to. 78 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:32,240 October 10th, 1824. 79 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,560 OK. A crisp, autumnal afternoon. 80 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,360 SPRIGHTLY HARPSICHORD PLAYS 81 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,920 My cousin and I had accepted invitation 82 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,960 to a gathering at Higham House, 83 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,280 as it was then known. 84 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:46,840 FRANCIS: What a place. Imagine inheriting this! 85 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,120 It's pleasant enough to visit. 86 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:50,560 I wouldn't want to live here! 87 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,080 FRANCIS CHUCKLES 88 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,760 The day's proceedings were to feature recitals 89 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:56,240 of both music and poetry. 90 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,320 Try not to embarrass me, cousin. 91 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:02,360 I looked forward to unveiling my new work, but most of all, 92 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:07,000 I looked forward to seeing once again Lord Higham's daughter... 93 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,200 ..my beloved Isabelle. 94 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:13,480 Oh, my heart is aflutter, cousin. 95 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,440 She is fine indeed. 96 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:17,840 Shall we speak to the girl? 97 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,520 Nay! Nay, nay, nay, nay. 98 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,080 She is with her father. 99 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:24,200 He does not know we have an attachment - we cannot speak openly. 100 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:30,240 Though I long to know that her feelings are unchanged. 101 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,160 Write her a note, then. 102 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:35,280 I will deliver it. I will be your Cupid. 103 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,400 I penned a note, thanked my cousin... 104 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:40,960 Thank you, Cousin. 105 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,720 ..and waited, breath bated, for the... 106 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,200 RATTLING Oh, where is that thing? 107 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,400 I am listening. 108 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,560 Carry on. 109 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,440 Snickers? Yes. 110 00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:58,840 What's wrong with Marathon? 111 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,800 Snickers just sounds like, "It's knickers". 112 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,160 'S'knickers. 'S'knickers. 113 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:06,440 Well, is that a bad thing? 114 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:10,000 Well, no, I suppose not, but what does it mean? I mean, the word. 115 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,720 It doesn't make any bloody sense, does it? 116 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,680 Am I early? As usual! 117 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,400 You and Lady B are always the first. 118 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:16,640 What? 119 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,920 I was just saying, you're always the first. 120 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,000 You could set a clock by you two. 121 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,280 Well, there's nothing wrong with being punctual. 122 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,680 Anyway, it's not six yet, so... 123 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,120 ..let's talk amongst ourselves, shall we? 124 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,440 KEYBOARD TAPS 125 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,960 So. your cousin gave her your letter? 126 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,800 Yes. Oh, my...! 127 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,520 In the meantime, the day's entertainments had begun... 128 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,640 Oh. AEROSOL SPRAYS 129 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,040 SINGING FINISHES 130 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,640 And soon it came my turn to enthral. 131 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:56,800 And now, esteemed guests, 132 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:01,160 we are honoured by a recital from our greatest living poet, 133 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,120 Thomas Thorne. 134 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:06,120 APPLAUSE 135 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,320 THOMAS CLEARS HIS THROAT 136 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:13,280 Summer hath aroused 137 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:16,520 the twilight of life in the hay 138 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,440 Shadows long and dark 139 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,240 Time has passed since the honeymoon of May 140 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,000 And held aloft by rosy buds 141 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,360 Whose nectar sweet forbade... 142 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,120 VOICEOVER: How I longed to read her words. 143 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,480 But Hermione And Roger is an epic poem, 144 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,880 and I could not cheat my rapt audience. 145 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:42,320 Upon the banks of the rushing Ouse 146 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,440 Sits there a poor man... 147 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,720 Oh, welcome, Death... 148 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,360 Two hours later, I finally reached the climax of the piece. 149 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,760 On this Earth, we are but lodger 150 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:59,840 For she was his Hermione 151 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:04,360 And he...always... 152 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:07,000 ..her Roger! 153 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bravo! Bravo! 154 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,320 The man's a genius! 155 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:13,600 Oh, God! 156 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,480 Oh, thank you. 157 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,640 Pray silence for Lady Isabelle. 158 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,760 ISABELLE CLEARS HER THROAT Her letter, cousin. 159 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:28,800 "Dear Mr Thorne. 160 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,200 "I'm sorry, but I do not love you. 161 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:35,600 "Perhaps you misinterpreted my words or actions when last we met." 162 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,280 Might you have done? 163 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:41,720 I mean, you do maybe have the tendency to, you know, 164 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,400 get the wrong idea. 165 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,120 Are you saying what I think you're saying? 166 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,240 Almost definitely not. 167 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,560 And again, not. No. 168 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,320 Hmm. 169 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,960 HE TUTS 170 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:04,440 Mm. 171 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:09,880 HE EXHALES 172 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,360 HE GROANS 173 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,800 Nah, bruv. 174 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,440 CLEARS THROAT AWKWARDLY 175 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,040 I was just thinking the other day... 176 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,840 DOOR BELL CLANGS There you go. 177 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,120 They're late. 178 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,480 Always the same ones. Well... 179 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,400 Well, what else have they got to do? I know. 180 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,840 Not stuck in traffic, are they? Or washing their hair. 181 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,880 Let's play a game to pass the time. 182 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,760 How about Grandma Went To The Shops And Bought An Apple? 183 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,160 JULIAN SIGHS Oh, not this! Sake! 184 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,160 SOLEMN HARPSICHORD PLAYS 185 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:46,720 THOMAS: As my sweetheart played on, I was racked with confusion. 186 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,680 I cannot fathom it. 187 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,200 Her affections were so clear before. 188 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,640 Poor cousin. 189 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:57,480 Perhaps her father has discovered us and forbidden the match. 190 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,840 I must know. 191 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,960 Let her tell me to my face, at least. Have a care, cousin. 192 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,080 I wouldn't want you further hurt in this. 193 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,680 MUSIC FINISHES, APPLAUSE 194 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:12,040 Shall we take our leave? Stand aside, cousin. Excuse me. 195 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,480 Excuse me. Excuse me. 196 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:14,920 Isabelle Higham? 197 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,560 Ha! The girl's unbearable. 198 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:20,080 Ugly and untalented. 199 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,480 Unbearable, you say?! 200 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:25,800 Untalented, you say?! 201 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:30,080 Damn your eyes, I say! 202 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:34,560 Damn your head, shoulders, knees and toes, sir! 203 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:37,160 And what concern is it of yours? 204 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:40,800 I happen to love that woman of whom you speak. 205 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:44,280 And I demand satisfaction. SCATTERED GASPS 206 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:47,440 If her father thought me unworthy before, 207 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,880 he certainly thought me worthy now. 208 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,120 Very well. 209 00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,840 Good luck, cousin. 210 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,560 The evening air was cold. 211 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:07,000 Those of steady stomach came to witness my bravery. 212 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:14,040 Now count your paces. 213 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,000 WHISPERS: Four, five, six... 214 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,600 ..11, 12... 215 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,240 GUNSHOT 216 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:27,680 ISABELLE GASPS 217 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,760 CONFUSED MURMURS Good God. 218 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:38,560 Thomas! Cousin! 219 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,240 We didn't get to 20. 220 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,120 I am shot. 221 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,840 He cheated, the coward! 222 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,400 THOMAS PANTS 223 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,440 I am done for. 224 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,440 May God welcome me to the heavens. 225 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,080 ISABELLE: My beloved! 226 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,400 My darling! 227 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:06,360 Oh, how foolish was I to believe Papa would not approve. 228 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:10,360 You are the best of men. 229 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,520 Kiss me... 230 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:14,160 ..as the French do. 231 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,560 Oh. Oh! 232 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,400 ROBIN: That didn't happen. 233 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,720 What? It didn't happen! 234 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,240 I was there. 235 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,040 Of course you were! 236 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,120 Well, that's how I remembered it. 237 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:39,280 Go on, Robin. I remember that day. 238 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:43,360 Great! Are we really going to...? Let's hear it. 239 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,920 He come on horsey with pasty friend. 240 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,920 It big, nice house. 241 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,920 Nice to come. Me not want live here. 242 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,960 Oh, blast! 243 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,720 ROBIN LAUGHS 244 00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:01,640 After he clean poo from his lady shoes, he come inside. 245 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:04,040 Oh, what you got there? 246 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,840 Ta-da! 247 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,120 GUEST: Look that. 248 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:11,360 What so good? 249 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,240 No! 250 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,160 APPLAUSE 251 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,640 No, do it again. Do it again! 252 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,360 And now, man called Thomas do poem. 253 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,320 ROBIN GRUNTS 254 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:30,280 Something 'bout flowers, or wine or girls, or something. 255 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,440 HE GROANS 256 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:36,160 It was big boring, but outside, something happened. 257 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:40,560 Blink one for yes, two for no. 258 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:41,960 No! 259 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,520 Really? 260 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:44,960 Where? 261 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,840 VOICEOVER: Something was in grounds. 262 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,400 Ooh! There! 263 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,600 WOLF HOWLS 264 00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:54,560 I have sixth sense, so I follow. 265 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,880 HE SNIFFS 266 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,000 HE PANTS 267 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,600 And then I see baby deer - dead. 268 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,040 What beast did this? 269 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,200 ALISON: Robin? 270 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,360 What creature...? Robin? 271 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,680 What demon...? Robin! Robin. 272 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,560 It's a bit off topic. But it just getting to a good bit. 273 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,520 It's got nothing to do with how I died. 274 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,360 Eh... Oh, I remembers that! 275 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,480 Oh, yes! Not you two as well. 276 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,520 This is amazing. 277 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,840 OK, you're sure? Is he definitely going tonight? 278 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:34,160 Well, I mean, the event page says he is. 279 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,720 Grandma went to the shops and bought an apple, 280 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,480 a packet of Monster Crunch... 281 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,120 Munch. Munch, 282 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,280 a bottle of sherry... 283 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,520 ..Playboy magazine... 284 00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:45,840 ..and... 285 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:49,280 An Enfield No.2 standard-issue revolver. Yes, that. 286 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,240 You know he's a boxer now? Yeah, he got into that in prison. 287 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,440 Prison? 288 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:56,440 ..a swingball, and a... DISTANT: ..big tank of a man. 289 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:58,760 Oh, ah... 290 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,200 Well, it's your go. It can be anything. 291 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,600 Come on, Fanny. ..a-a-a lace brassiere! 292 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:07,040 Ooh, saucy! 293 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:10,640 What are you worried about anyway? Alison dumped him when she met me. 294 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,480 Oh. Did she? 295 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:13,920 It was ages ago, wasn't it? 296 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,120 So, he'd be over it by now, wouldn't he? 297 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,760 Hmm, probably, yeah, yeah. 298 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,360 Mm... 299 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,600 Mary, you must remember what happened. 300 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:23,680 Oh, yeah. 301 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:25,520 THOMAS SIGHS I remembers it well. 302 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:31,960 MARY: The room was full of dandies and wenches, 303 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,480 talking and all floating about the place. 304 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,920 They had wine coming out of their ears. 305 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:44,080 It happens all the time. The people all laughed and danced. 306 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:47,120 ALL SHOUT AND LAUGH 307 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:51,240 When Thomas came in, Lady Isabelle did look at him. 308 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,200 Said I to Annie... 309 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,600 Is he the man of which she spoke? 310 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:59,520 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Annie? Who's Annie? 311 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,560 ALL MUMBLE IN SURPRISE Oh, did we never tell you? 312 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:05,640 Oh, yeah, yeah, Annie ghosted here for 100 year or more. 313 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,160 A true friend to me. 314 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:08,440 I see. 315 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,160 Till she got sucked off. 316 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,400 I'm sorry? 317 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,520 SHE HUMS CELESTIAL TUNE 318 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,800 Ah, like, moved on? Oh, yeah. There's many that's been sucked off 319 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,240 in this house. Moved on. I used to dream of the day 320 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,240 that I would be sucked off. Moved on. 321 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,720 But I've long since given up hope of ever being sucked off. 322 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,520 Moving on. Anyways... 323 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,880 ..Annie and I did watch, and Thomas said his poem... 324 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:34,440 Summer hath aroused the twilights of lifes in the haze... 325 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,960 ..and the people all turned to statues. 326 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:41,080 Honestly, I think they died of boredoms. 327 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,680 Oh, come, now. This is a nonsense! 328 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,680 I says it as I remembers I sees it, mate. 329 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,560 Kitty, you must have been there, too. Yes. 330 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:49,800 HUMPHREY: And me! 331 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:53,040 Good God, how long have you been there?! Oh, the whole time. 332 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:56,400 Yeah, I remember it. So many beautiful shoes. 333 00:15:56,400 --> 00:16:00,680 Some heeled, some flat, one pair of boots with lovely buckles. 334 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,520 Wait, did you just see shoes? 335 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:03,680 Pretty much, yeah. 336 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,200 Hmm. Kitty, what did you see? 337 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,920 Oh, I don't know if I should say. 338 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,440 Aren't you meant to be going out with Michael this evening? 339 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,320 We've already detained you long enough. 340 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:16,000 No, but I want to hear what Kitty saw. Mike, I'll be five minutes. 341 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,800 Take your time. 342 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,520 Great. 343 00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,240 Perfect. Fantastic. 344 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:23,600 Go on, Kitty. All right. 345 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,760 Well, to start with, it was so exciting. 346 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:28,560 SHE GIGGLES 347 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:31,120 All sorts of interesting people coming to the house, 348 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,160 food laid out on a table. 349 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:36,080 PAT: What kind of food? 350 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,040 No, come one, come all! 351 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,000 The more, the merrier. We're only talking about my death! 352 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,680 We were supposed to muster at 1800 hours in the common room 353 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,800 for Julian's talk. Postpone it. You've literally got forever. 354 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,120 Carry on, Kitty. 355 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,560 Where was I? You were talking about a spread. 356 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,960 Now, was it like a buffet sort of thing? 357 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,680 You know, cheese and pineapple? 358 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,120 Pineapple?! 359 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:01,160 Goodness, no. They were wealthy, but they weren't royalty. 360 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:07,000 I remember Thomas arriving, so in love with Lady Isabelle. 361 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,360 MARY: Is he the man of which she spoke? 362 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:10,840 Looks a silly arse. 363 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,080 I remember his poem. Welcome, Death! 364 00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:16,800 Oh, sweetest sleep... 365 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:19,920 I don't understand poetry very well, but it must have been funny 366 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,000 because people were giggling. 367 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,360 And he always... 368 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,360 ..her Roger! 369 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:28,760 HE SNORTS 370 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,640 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 371 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,080 The man's a penis. 372 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,760 And I remember the argument - Thomas didn't like something he heard. 373 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:39,440 What do you think of this Shelley woman I keep hearing about? 374 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:40,920 Oh, she's unbearable. 375 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:43,480 Ugly and untalented. 376 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:44,720 Shelley? 377 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,120 No, that can't be right. You've got that wrong. 378 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:50,200 That's what I heard - Mary Shelley, the writer. 379 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,520 Unbearable, you say? 380 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:55,040 Untalented, you say? 381 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,640 Damn your eyes, I say! 382 00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,960 Damn your head... 383 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:04,120 ..shoulders, knees and toes, sir. 384 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,040 And what concern is it of yours? 385 00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:10,440 I happen to love that woman of whom you speak. 386 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,320 And I... 387 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,560 Sorry, does anybody have a glove? 388 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,080 Can I borrow your glove? 389 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,000 No. Fine. 390 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,560 Imagine the glove. 391 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,600 I demand satisfaction. 392 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:26,080 Very well. Really? 393 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,400 Yes. 394 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,840 QUIET: God... ALOUD: Good. 395 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:31,320 Good God. 396 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,000 Lady Isabelle didn't see what Thomas had done. 397 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,760 Why are they duelling? Over Mary Shelley. 398 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,880 Apparently, the poet is in love with her. 399 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:44,080 WHISPERS: Seven, eight, nine, ten... 400 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,040 Ah! 401 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,240 MACHINE-GUN FIRE 402 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,640 FANNY: Do you mind?! 403 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,440 Kitty was telling the story! 404 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,120 You weren't even there! 405 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,760 Well, it's what I would have done. 406 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,360 Close-quarter battle... THEY SHOUT OVER HIM 407 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,120 Excuse me, but what shoes was he...? 408 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:09,600 I don't know why that's relevant. All I wanted to do was... 409 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,000 ALL TALK AT ONCE ..they're a low-model rifle. 410 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,840 ALL ARGUE Alison. 411 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,720 I just want to hear what... Alison. Yeah, hi. Hi, sorry. I'm going to be down in, like, one second. 412 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,360 Just... Shh! You don't even know her! 413 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:23,640 Shh-shh-shh! Just... It looks like you've got something to deal with here. Maybe second thoughts about 414 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,120 the reunion? That's cool. We don't have to go. No problem. 415 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,960 What? I can just...go back to... No, no. 416 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:31,400 We're still going to go. I just need to finish something real quick. 417 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,640 Yeah, it's just that I actually... Just really quickly. 418 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,200 Everyone, just let Kitty finish. 419 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,800 OK. They marched away from each other. 420 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,520 I could hardly bear to watch. 421 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:43,840 Oh... 422 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,680 WHISPERS: Five, six... 423 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,960 ..nine, ten... 424 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,720 ..11, 12. 425 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,240 HE MOUTHS 426 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,040 GUNSHOT 427 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,000 Oh! Good God! 428 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,120 GUNSHOT, BIRD SCREECHES Sorry. 429 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,760 FRANCIS: Cousin! 430 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,520 We didn't get to 20. 431 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,880 I am shot! 432 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,800 He cheated, the coward! 433 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:25,760 I know she doesn't love me but, please, fetch Isabelle, 434 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:27,560 that I might say goodbye to her. 435 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:30,800 Of course. 436 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,600 THOMAS PANTS AND GROANS 437 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,240 He waited... 438 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:41,880 ..and waited... 439 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,800 ..but she never came. 440 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,320 KITTY GIGGLES 441 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,400 You OK? 442 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,520 Fine, yeah. Just...something in my eye. 443 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,280 HE CLEARS THROAT 444 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:15,600 So now you know. 445 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:20,000 I wanted you to believe better of me, but the truth is... 446 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,720 ..I was a fool. 447 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,720 A fool who died alone and unloved. 448 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,880 Hang on. Your cousin, he wasn't wearing boots 449 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:30,800 with bronze buckles, was he? 450 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,240 We've finished now, Humphrey. 451 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,080 Yes. Why? 452 00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,560 Well, who was he writing letters to? 453 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,920 What? 454 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,160 Well, he wrote two letters. 455 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,200 On the stairs, where I was. 456 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,440 Why would he...? 457 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,720 Please, fetch Isabelle, that I might say goodbye. 458 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,680 Of course. 459 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,640 No! 460 00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,280 What a place. 461 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:01,720 Imagine inheriting this. 462 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,120 My heart is aflutter, cousin. 463 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:05,520 She is fine indeed. 464 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,640 Write her a note, then. I will deliver it. 465 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,680 I will be your Cupid. 466 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,520 Thank you, cousin. 467 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,160 ISABELLE READS: "Please understand, 468 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,520 "I do not love you. 469 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,480 "Thomas Thorne." 470 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:28,840 SHE GASPS 471 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:31,400 And held aloft by rosy buds. 472 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,400 But how could his feelings have cooled so quickly? 473 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,640 You deserve better. My cousin... How can I say this? 474 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,880 ..has many fancies. 475 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,320 A typical poet. 476 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,000 Nectar sweet forbade... 477 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:52,280 THOMAS READS: "Dear Mr Thorne, I'm sorry, but I do not love you." 478 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,000 I must know! 479 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,440 Let her tell me to my face, please. 480 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,520 Have a care, cousin. 481 00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:59,760 I would not want you further hurt in this. 482 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:03,560 Come to think of it, it was Francis who told me about the officer. 483 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,320 Excuse me. 484 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:08,200 Say, what do you think of this Shelley woman I keep hearing about? 485 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:09,640 Oh, she's unbearable. 486 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,560 Ugly and untalented. 487 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,320 He called Isabelle unbearable and untalented. 488 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:19,760 Damn your eyes, I say! 489 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,120 Very well. 490 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:23,880 20 paces, cousin. 491 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,320 20? 492 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,120 WHISPERS: 11, 12... 493 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:33,120 HE MOUTHS 494 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,440 GUNSHOT 495 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,960 BIRD SCREECHES 496 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:37,320 We didn't get to 20! 497 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:39,040 ISABELLE: Thomas! FRANCIS: Cousin! 498 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,280 I am shot! 499 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,160 He cheated, the coward! 500 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,560 Please, fetch Isabelle, that I might say goodbye. 501 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:47,800 Of course. 502 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:50,960 HE PANTS AND GROANS 503 00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:59,320 Mm. 504 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,600 But he didn't fetch her. 505 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,560 ISABELLE: He was taken too soon! 506 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,320 He is gone. He is gone, and there's nothing we can do. 507 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,520 SOBBING: Oh, God, Thomas! Oh, you poor thing. 508 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:12,320 Oh, what he's put you through, it is not fair. 509 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:15,840 Let me lend you some comfort. Oh, you are kind. 510 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,520 Forgive me. I... 511 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,320 ..I don't even know your name. 512 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,560 Button. Francis Button. 513 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:24,720 Button?! 514 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,400 Yes. They got married. 515 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,440 It was their son who returned here to live. 516 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,320 My George's grandfather. 517 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,240 This letter... 518 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:34,520 ..is a lie. 519 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:36,720 I thought it was not her usual hand. 520 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:39,400 And her name is misspelt. I just thought 521 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:41,000 she'd written it in a hurry. 522 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,280 Mm. All those years 523 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:46,720 I thought I'd been spurned when, really... 524 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,760 ..she did love me. 525 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,520 Does that make you feel any better? 526 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,560 No, it's worse! 527 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:55,160 Mm. 528 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,240 Wait, hold on. Button? So... 529 00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,760 ..that means we're related. Yes! 530 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,520 Yeah. No. 531 00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:04,600 I mean, very distantly related. Our children would be fine. 532 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,840 We're probably all related, if you go back far enough. 533 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,640 Yeah, you all come from me. 534 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,080 And my sister. 535 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:12,440 Mm? 536 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,560 Heh-heh, joking! 537 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:18,960 Right, that's quite enough of this nonsense. 538 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,680 Shall we go and listen to Julian's talk? It's only 43 minutes late. 539 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:22,920 MARY: What be it about? 540 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:24,960 The art of spin - 541 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,600 how the same fact or story can be told in different ways to, you know, 542 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,560 promote a particular bias. 543 00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,040 Well, I think we've covered that. 544 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,160 Well done, Humphrey. 545 00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:35,920 Not just a pretty face. 546 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:39,000 Well, I am. KITTY: Yes, I suppose you are. 547 00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:47,360 Right, shall we hit the road? 548 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:49,360 I don't want to go. 549 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,040 What? I don't want to go, 550 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,080 because Kevin, right, you dumped him for me, 551 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,840 and I looked him up, and he's a boxer. 552 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:58,800 He fights people. And Obi says he's done time, so if he's not over you, 553 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:00,920 I don't want to go because... He dumped me. 554 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:03,840 What? 555 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:05,960 He dumped me. 556 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,680 I told you that I dumped him because 557 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:10,720 I thought it made it sound better. 558 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:13,240 And I wanted to make you think that I was choosing you. 559 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:14,800 Which I...which I was. So... 560 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,600 No, I was choosing you. So I was a rebound? 561 00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:18,400 No! 562 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:21,600 Well, kind of. At first. 563 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:25,480 Look, he's not going to be angry at you, because he dumped me. 564 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:28,240 And I'm glad he did. 565 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,480 Come on, then. Let's go. 566 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,040 Of course, I don't know what you're worried about, 567 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:41,320 because you're a black belt in taekwondo. 568 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,120 Yeah... 569 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:44,720 ..I did say that. 570 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:14,760 YELLS: Fie!