1
00:00:24,316 --> 00:00:25,985
Morning. I'm so happy

2
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,462
you agreed to stay here
while my parents are gone.

3
00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,029
I really believe
if Harry Drake's goons

4
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,948
can't find you,
they may just forget about you.

5
00:00:30,990 --> 00:00:32,908
Anyhow, some rules
you need to follow.

6
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:35,161
no eating in the living room.

7
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:37,496
touch nothing pink.

8
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:38,831
Rule number three...

9
00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:41,751
do not touch Papa's robe.

10
00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:20,265
In the third place,
ain't nobody can eat

11
00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:23,334
that much ice cream.

12
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,853
Shit.

13
00:01:56,367 --> 00:02:00,454
Eighteen and a half.

14
00:02:00,496 --> 00:02:03,332
Such a tiny fucking thigh.

15
00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:05,084
B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

16
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,919
- I will connect you.
- Hey.

17
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:09,338
- Oh, do you read?
- Occasionally.

18
00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:11,006
B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

19
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,818
- I will connect you.
- So, I'm looking through

20
00:02:12,842 --> 00:02:14,718
the Village Voice,
just perusing the headlines,

21
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,095
and look what I see.

22
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,596
Well, you need
to turn it toward me

23
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,115
- so I can...
- "Susie Myerson, the manager

24
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,809
"of the underground
phenom comedienne Mrs. Maisel,

25
00:02:21,851 --> 00:02:24,019
says she's gonna be bigger
than Totie Fields."

26
00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,861
Wait, what are you read... Ah, shoot.

27
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:27,207
B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

28
00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,816
Isn't that crazy? Mrs. Maisel?

29
00:02:28,858 --> 00:02:31,026
- I mean, you're Mrs. Maisel.
- Hold, please.

30
00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:33,445
- Can I...?
- This comedian has the same name as you.

31
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:36,115
B. Altman. Where...
Oh, sorry. I thought I did.

32
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,158
- I will connect you.
- The world is so small.

33
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,452
I feel like I should be able
to subway to China.

34
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:43,080
- Do you know her?
- I don't think so.

35
00:02:43,122 --> 00:02:44,748
- Is there a picture?
- No picture.

36
00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:46,630
You could be related.
She could be your cousin.

37
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:49,628
Or your mother.
Is your mother a comedienne?

38
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,755
- Wouldn't that be a scandal?
- Hmm.

39
00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:54,258
Oops. I guess all those
flashing lights are for me.

40
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,010
B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

41
00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:58,053
- Ginger!
- Here.

42
00:02:58,095 --> 00:02:59,638
I will connect you.

43
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,324
B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

44
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,058
I will connect you.

45
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,436
Zelda?

46
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:07,956
I ate the strudel, and it was awesome.

47
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:10,608
Who are you?

48
00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:11,984
- I...
- What are you doing here?

49
00:03:12,026 --> 00:03:13,444
- I...
- Why are you in the bathtub?

50
00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,820
Wait, I know this one.

51
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,131
I don't know you.
You don't live here.

52
00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:17,406
- Are you a burglar?
- Uh...

53
00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:18,800
Did you break in here
to steal jewelry

54
00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:20,552
and then decide it would be
funny to take a bath?

55
00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:23,037
You look like Zelda but younger.
Are you Zelda but younger?

56
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,372
No, I'm not.
I'm an actual friend

57
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:27,559
of the people who live here,
and I am going to call the cops

58
00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,519
if you don't tell me who you are
and what you are doing

59
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,587
- in this apartment.
- I know...

60
00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:35,215
the short... brunette...

61
00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:36,759
Midge? You're a friend of Midge?

62
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,904
I know all her friends, and I
have never seen you before ever.

63
00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,238
Where do you know Midge from?
Where?

64
00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,722
- The club.
- What club?

65
00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:42,932
- The...
- Do not mumble.

66
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,224
The Gaslight.

67
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:46,894
The downtown dumpy,
sticky place?

68
00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:49,355
That still does not explain why
you are here in that bathtub,

69
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,832
which is way too full
of bubbles, by the way.

70
00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:52,250
You don't need to use
the entire bottle.

71
00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:53,692
That's just overkill!

72
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,235
I'm sorry.
I'm having a little trouble

73
00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:56,528
focusing here right now.

74
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,948
I'm very high,

75
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:01,033
and there's just a lot of words

76
00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:03,327
coming from a little,
yellow light source,

77
00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:05,621
and it's freaking me out.

78
00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:07,873
It feels like a flower's
yelling at me.

79
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,375
Midge.

80
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,627
- Thank God.
- Imogene, what are you doing here?

81
00:04:11,669 --> 00:04:13,212
Who is this thing
in your bathtub?

82
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,047
Oh, th-that's, uh...

83
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:17,341
Why don't we go in the kitchen?
I'll explain everything.

84
00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:18,926
You stay there.

85
00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:21,679
Where the fuck am I gonna go?

86
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,239
- What are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?

87
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,616
- What am I doing here?
- I just mean...

88
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,159
I came to talk to you,
and I found that

89
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,869
sitting in the tub
like a big potato in a soup pot.

90
00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:29,144
Her name is Susie,

91
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,854
and her apartment
is getting fumigated.

92
00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:32,815
She says she knows you
from the club.

93
00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,566
Yes. When Joel would play there.

94
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,276
Uh, maybe we could talk
about this later.

95
00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,153
I haven't heard word one
from you in weeks,

96
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,589
and now you're trying
to get me to leave?

97
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,740
You were in Iowa
for the holidays.

98
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,784
Joel quit his job.
Did you know that?

99
00:04:43,826 --> 00:04:45,887
- What?
- Right in the middle of their big presentation.

100
00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:48,038
He just walked in with all
the top brass sitting there

101
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,350
and the fancy chart that I
helped Archie make, and he quit.

102
00:04:50,374 --> 00:04:52,042
- Oh.
- Why didn't you call to warn me?

103
00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:53,711
Well, you were in Iowa.

104
00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,587
Stop using Iowa
as an excuse for everything.

105
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,923
My family may be dairy farmers,
but they have a phone.

106
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,883
I didn't know
that he was going to quit.

107
00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:00,944
How could you not know?
I thought

108
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,028
you were getting back together.

109
00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:03,446
Who told you
we were getting back together?

110
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:04,805
- Archie.
- Who told Archie?

111
00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:06,473
- Joel.
- Oh.

112
00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:09,268
Well, I-I've been in Paris,
so I'm a little behind.

113
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,354
- Paris? You were in Paris?
- Yes.

114
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,356
Why didn't you tell me
you were going to Paris?

115
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:16,817
- When did we stop being friends?
- We're friends, Imogene.

116
00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:18,444
If we were friends,
I would be the one

117
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,529
- taking a bath in your tub.
- You have a tub.

118
00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:22,048
The point is
I don't know anything anymore.

119
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:23,615
- I don't know you anymore.
- You do.

120
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,325
You were in Paris.
That's in France.

121
00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:27,095
You didn't tell me you were
getting back together with Joel.

122
00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:29,038
- Archie did.
- I didn't get back together with...

123
00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,290
It doesn't matter if it's true.
You should've told me.

124
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,892
Just like you should've told me
that Joel was going to quit.

125
00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,352
- I didn't...
- What am I supposed to do now?

126
00:05:34,376 --> 00:05:36,295
With Joel gone,
Archie's a sitting duck.

127
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,796
He was Joel's right-hand man.

128
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,506
What if they retaliate
for what Joel did?

129
00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:40,924
They're not the mob, Imogene.

130
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:42,134
I'm sorry I've been distant.

131
00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:43,594
And I am sorry about Joel.

132
00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:46,263
And believe me,
Archie is going to be okay.

133
00:05:46,305 --> 00:05:48,599
- How do you know?
- I'm brilliant.

134
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,142
Look, I should get back
to Susie,

135
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,061
but I will see you tomorrow
in exercise class?

136
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,687
- You're coming?
- I'm coming.

137
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:55,457
- You haven't been in weeks.
- I'll be there tomorrow.

138
00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:56,732
I was alone in the front.

139
00:05:56,774 --> 00:05:58,126
I had no one
to feel superior with.

140
00:05:58,150 --> 00:06:00,027
- Alone I just felt like a snob.
- Tomorrow.

141
00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:02,654
- I promise.
- Okay.

142
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,825
And by the way,
it looks like your new friend

143
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,285
used Rose's pink soap.

144
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,746
No one uses Rose's pink soap.

145
00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,922
Enjoying your bath?

146
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,507
Immensely.

147
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:23,258
Just laying here, soaking.

148
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,928
My brain's gone bye-bye.
Everything was perfect

149
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,138
until the vanilla muffin
waltzed in here

150
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:30,057
- and killed my buzz.
- What did you tell her?

151
00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:31,809
- Who?
- The muffin.

152
00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:33,143
Oh. I don't know.

153
00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:34,895
- You mentioned the Gaslight.
- No.

154
00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,581
I'm pretty sure
I didn't mention the Gaslight.

155
00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:37,707
You definitely mentioned
the Gaslight

156
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,108
because she mentioned
the Gaslight.

157
00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:41,068
- She did?
- I have to know what you're saying.

158
00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:42,694
To my friends. To the press.

159
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,464
I know about that interview
you gave to the Village Voice.

160
00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:46,532
You didn't even ask me about it
before you did it.

161
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,593
You just went ahead and...
Do not add more hot water.

162
00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:50,369
- So bossy.
- Get out of the tub.

163
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,578
What? Why?

164
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,580
Because I need to talk to you.

165
00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,374
Fine.

166
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,043
- Well, go wait in the hall.
- Why?

167
00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,920
What do you mean, why?
I've measured myself.

168
00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:02,243
There's no way I'm gonna be
fucking naked in front of you.

169
00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:09,489
You can't just go around talking
to the press without telling me.

170
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:12,266
Susie, that paper was
just sitting there. At my work.

171
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,394
If Ginger wasn't so Ginger,
she would've figured it out.

172
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,479
- What?
- You have to tell me

173
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:20,274
- what you're saying about me before you say it.
- Why?

174
00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,401
- What do you mean, why?
- I am your manager.

175
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,486
It is literally my job
to talk about you.

176
00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:27,823
Yes. To club owners,
to bookers at the Stage Deli.

177
00:07:27,865 --> 00:07:29,700
But this was in print.
Anyone could read it.

178
00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,285
Thank God
there wasn't a picture.

179
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:32,929
Ooh, I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

180
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,122
- We got to take some pictures.
- No.

181
00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:37,040
Look, press is part
of the game, lady.

182
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,726
You want to know what
that little paragraph

183
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,961
- in the paper got us?
- What?

184
00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:43,255
A gig. A real gig.

185
00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:45,382
A paying gig.
No passing the hat.

186
00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:47,092
A club with booze
and everything.

187
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,886
Midtown? A midtown gig?

188
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,555
- Almost. 15th Street.
- Wow.

189
00:07:51,597 --> 00:07:53,682
- Midway to midtown.
- That's right.

190
00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:55,434
We are midway to midtown.
Isn't it great?

191
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,686
It is. But, Susie, promise,
just check with me

192
00:07:57,728 --> 00:07:59,372
before you give
any more interviews, please.

193
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:02,107
- Why?
- Because I haven't told anyone yet.

194
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,984
What do you mean
you haven't told anyone yet?

195
00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:05,670
Your fucking husband
was standing right there.

196
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,280
I know, but I haven't told
my friends or my parents.

197
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,632
How have you not told
your parents?

198
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:10,991
Don't you live
with these people?

199
00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:12,427
Where do they think you go
every night?

200
00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:14,077
- Out.
- Every night?

201
00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:15,996
- I'm very popular.
- Okay.

202
00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:17,372
I mean this
with all due respect.

203
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:18,600
Your parents are fucking idiots.

204
00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:20,000
- I'm gonna tell them.
- When?

205
00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:22,669
- Soon.
- What are you waiting for?

206
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,311
I thought you made
this decision already.

207
00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,006
- I thought you wanted to go for it.
- I do.

208
00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:28,091
This is bullshit.

209
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,427
Aw, Zelda made me a sandwich.

210
00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:31,887
That's sweet.

211
00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:33,222
Do you want to be successful?

212
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:34,681
Of course I want
to be successful.

213
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,576
Being successful means
that people come to see you,

214
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,203
and when people come to see you,
you become...

215
00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,645
what they call in the biz...
famous.

216
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,688
- Yeah. I know.
- Most people who go on stage

217
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:43,106
want to be famous
'cause it means

218
00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:44,441
they get to play
better theaters.

219
00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,485
They get better gigs.
They go on TV.

220
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,487
They go to Morocco
with Bob and Bing.

221
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,506
they give you more money.

222
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,800
Now, that's actually the part
that I find the most appealing.

223
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,284
Money is my main goal.

224
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,078
I don't have any,
and I'd like some.

225
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:58,580
I want to be famous.
I want money.

226
00:08:58,622 --> 00:09:00,999
I want to go to Morocco
with Bob and Bing.

227
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,751
And I am gonna tell my parents.

228
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,795
They're just...
they're not here right now,

229
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,838
and it's not news
I'd like to break long-distance.

230
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,298
So when they come home.

231
00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,050
When they come home,
I come clean.

232
00:09:10,092 --> 00:09:12,344
- And when's that gonna be?
- I don't know.

233
00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:15,889
I swear. I have no idea
when my parents are coming back.

234
00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,898
You believe i-in fairy tales.

235
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:27,317
I do not believe in fairy tales.
I'm a man of science.

236
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,820
The Bible serves its purpose.

237
00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:32,990
It is basically
a moral set of rules.

238
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:34,199
A-a road map.

239
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,575
Men are not able

240
00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:38,620
to determine right or wrong
without a road map.

241
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,754
- Let me guess. Freud?
- Better. The Bible.

242
00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:50,632
- Oh, dear. We'll meet for lunch?
- See you there.

243
00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:51,925
Au revoir, messieurs.

244
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:53,385
- Au revoir.
- Au revoir.

245
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:57,180
Abe, your wife is very,
very attractive.

246
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,599
- Elle est très belle.
- You lucky man.

247
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:01,226
The luckiest.

248
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,020
So, where were we?

249
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,855
Oh, yes, Sergei's an idiot.

250
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:56,258
We spent two hours
debating moral nihilism

251
00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:59,386
versus mereological
or compositional nihilism.

252
00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:01,638
At least, I think
that's what we were debating.

253
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,140
I can't be sure.

254
00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:05,475
Either way, it's nihilism,
so who cares?

255
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,686
Anyhow, whatever it was,

256
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,688
it got Sergei all steamed up.

257
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,523
He started arguing with Thierry.

258
00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:14,025
Or Rolf. I don't know. It was
someone to the left of me.

259
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,611
And the next thing I know,
Thierry is crying,

260
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,697
Rolf is singing Brecht,
and I'm decrying

261
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,866
America's national cynicism.

262
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,368
And no one would let
the other person pay the bill.

263
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,288
It was just a terrific,
terrific day.

264
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,248
- Proost.
- Proost.

265
00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:30,750
Today my class went
to the Rodin Museum.

266
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,878
Rodin, aha.

267
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,046
It's in this glorious building
that was his studio

268
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,966
and sort of artists' flophouse
at the same time.

269
00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:39,968
It's a museum now.
I tell you, Abe,

270
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:41,720
it took my breath away.

271
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:45,307
The hands on his sculptures,
they're so powerful.

272
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:47,392
- Massive.
- Hands are great.

273
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,311
- What is this?
- What does it taste like?

274
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:52,272
- Rodin loves big hands. Go on.
- I can't imagine

275
00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:54,065
how he did it,
how he would look at nothing,

276
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,194
a block of marble,
and see what he saw.

277
00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:58,612
I'd love to show it to you.

278
00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:01,448
- Absolutely. Is it fish?
- Does it taste like fish?

279
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:03,783
I can't wait
to see Rodin's hands.

280
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:07,537
What do you think, Simone?

281
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:10,582
What did Mommy make?

282
00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:24,888
- Bonne nuit, mon amour.
- Bonne nuit, mon amour.

283
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:28,391
- You're a wonderful man.
- You're a terrible cook.

284
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:37,859
<i>♪ Alone in the world ♪</i>

285
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:41,154
<i>♪ Was poor little Anne ♪</i>

286
00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:45,742
<i>♪ As sweet a young child
as you'd find ♪</i>

287
00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:48,411
<i>♪ Her parents had gone ♪</i>

288
00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:51,248
<i>♪ To their final reward... ♪</i>

289
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,295
- Try it again, Tony.
- Back on.

290
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,839
Okay, turn it off.

291
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,425
- How long has this thing been out?
- Four or five days?

292
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,052
Why haven't you gotten it fixed?

293
00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:05,821
Jankel, the guy who comes
and fixes the machines,

294
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,305
- he only comes on Fridays.
- Why?

295
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,848
I don't know. It's only Fridays.

296
00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:10,493
Before 1:00.
That's when he goes to temple.

297
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,519
Only on Fridays. Okay.

298
00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:16,147
- Try it again, Tony.
- Back on.

299
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,819
Well, it's not Gershwin,
but it's moving.

300
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,737
You need a new repairman.

301
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,990
Jankel will be here Friday
before 1:00.

302
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,842
You need a repairman
who comes when things break.

303
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,511
- You can't run things like this.
- I can't?

304
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,929
I've only been doing it
for 30 years.

305
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,162
What the hell do I know?

306
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,831
You're right. Jankel's gone.

307
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,000
You run a factory.
You need machines that work.

308
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,419
Ah, should I have him killed?
Firing may not be enough.

309
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:40,171
He comes one day a week.
Not even a full day.

310
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,173
- He leaves at 1:00.
- He should skip temple?

311
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,176
You want the man who fixes
our machines to make God angry?

312
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,446
- How does that end well for us?
- You're getting a new repairman.

313
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,264
No, we're not.
And what the fuck did you put

314
00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:51,450
- a coffee machine in for?
- People need a coffee break.

315
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,435
The whole place is lining up
for free coffee.

316
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:56,021
- Nobody's working.
- Yes, it's a graveyard.

317
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,689
What are you doing here,
anyway, huh?

318
00:14:57,731 --> 00:14:59,709
You were supposed to come by
for a day, look around,

319
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:01,526
say hi to everyone,
see how things are.

320
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:02,944
That was two weeks ago.

321
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,529
There's a lot of people
to say hi to.

322
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,282
Plus, I hear
there's free coffee now.

323
00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:09,701
Manny, not sure
you should be smoking there.

324
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,494
I'm by a trash can.

325
00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,496
Lots of chemicals and solvents
all over the place.

326
00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:15,457
You remember
the Triangle Shirtwaist fire?

327
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:16,458
Like it was yesterday.

328
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:18,877
Get back to work, Manny.

329
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,379
That's the fourth cigarette
break he's taken this morning.

330
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,798
So what? You're so hot
for people taking breaks.

331
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,800
People who work.
I've never seen him work.

332
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,969
- What does Manny do?
- What does he do? Manny does.

333
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,971
That's what Manny does.
Manny does.

334
00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,640
Frieda, honey,
you've been sitting there

335
00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:32,891
for four straight hours.

336
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,142
Get up. Take a break.

337
00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:35,727
You're not chained to the table.

338
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,729
- Are you?
- She's not chained to the table.

339
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:39,606
Go have some coffee.

340
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,275
Oh, look at her go.

341
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,027
- Jesse Owens.
- Pop.

342
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:46,780
What? It'll take her an hour
to walk across the room

343
00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,281
and an hour to get back.

344
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:49,866
That's half
of her remaining life span.

345
00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:52,202
- Moishe, she won't let me in.
- What?

346
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,204
- Come. Come, come, come, come.
- Where we going?

347
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:55,848
- Look, look, I'm locked out.
- What's happening?

348
00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,350
- Where's he going? Hey.
- Go, go. Get him, get him.

349
00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:58,601
- Hey, hey. Get back here.
- Come back here.

350
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:01,336
Do not close the...

351
00:16:01,378 --> 00:16:03,421
Let me guess,
it's worse than I thought.

352
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,256
- Oh, much, much worse.
- Terrific.

353
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,842
None of these numbers add up.
A-And this writing.

354
00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,427
At first,
I thought it was in Hebrew,

355
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,763
but then I realized
parts are in Yiddish.

356
00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:13,515
And this is ancient Aramaic,

357
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,600
which has been a dead language
for 2,000 years.

358
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,936
Can you figure out
any of the money?

359
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,772
- The figures?
- I think it's a numerical system

360
00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:22,774
that has eliminated the number six.

361
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,401
What?

362
00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:26,695
Coming in, schmuck. You lock me
out of my own office?

363
00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,613
What is she doing with my book?

364
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,573
You think I don't have a key
to my own office?

365
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,760
- These books don't make sense.
- Of course they do.

366
00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:35,179
- What do you want to know?
- Well, everything would be nice.

367
00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:36,913
This column
is the money we have.

368
00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:38,832
This column is the money
we will have

369
00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:40,750
as soon as these people
from this column

370
00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:42,085
or that column pay us.

371
00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:43,670
Unless it has a bagel stamp,

372
00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:45,022
which means
it's still being negotiated

373
00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:47,590
but we started the work anyway
in case it works out.

374
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,026
Three flags,
that means the check cleared.

375
00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,610
Two flowers,
that means a half and half.

376
00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:52,762
- A half and half?
- Half check, half cash.

377
00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,389
Or half cash, half services.

378
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,975
Or half... something
and half something else.

379
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,436
- You have Kaufman and Hart write this bit?
- Uh, can I

380
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:02,856
just ask you... um, there is
a Sunny spelled with a "U"

381
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,608
and a Sonny with an "O"
and another with an I-E.

382
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,277
Is that the same Sonny?

383
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,279
Of course it's the same Sonny.

384
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,781
It's Sonny. Sonny from Queens.

385
00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:14,543
- Pop, you need an accountant.
- What are you talking about, accountant?

386
00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:16,953
This is a foolproof system
that I invented myself.

387
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,288
Completely secure.

388
00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:20,123
Only I can understand it.

389
00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:21,332
I don't know.

390
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,293
I'll have you know
that we got audited once.

391
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:24,979
And when the guy took one look
at this book,

392
00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:26,671
we never saw him again.

393
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,840
I paid him off. That's why
we never saw him again.

394
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,258
- Pop, this is crazy.
- Okay.

395
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,594
Enough. You came, you saw.

396
00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:34,947
Thank you for letting me know
that everything I do is wrong

397
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,907
and your mother's accounting
system is a piece of shit.

398
00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:38,141
It really is a piece of shit.

399
00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:39,976
I'm serious. You and you, out.

400
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:42,228
Well, all right.
But before we leave,

401
00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,481
I found this book

402
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,483
in a secret hiding place
in the wall.

403
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,753
No! Put that back. You should
not be looking through that.

404
00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,737
This is the special loans book.

405
00:17:50,779 --> 00:17:52,757
- Special loans book?
- What? - SHIRLEY: That's personal.

406
00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,633
Don't tell me you're borrowing
money from those guys.

407
00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,576
- Once in a while.
- I can't believe this.

408
00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:58,578
You see yourself...
the machines break down.

409
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,497
Those machines are expensive.

410
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:02,749
How else are we supposed
to get that kind of cash?

411
00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:04,834
- From a bank?
- What are you, a big shot?

412
00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:07,253
Banks don't break your legs
or throw you in a river.

413
00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:09,506
I'm seeing amounts here.
I'm seeing names.

414
00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:12,050
But I'm not seeing any dates
for when the loans are due.

415
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,927
Oh, well, we know
when the loans are due.

416
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:16,030
A couple of guys break in
in the middle of the night.

417
00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:18,014
They bust up some chairs
and windows.

418
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,933
And that's when we know
the loan is due.

419
00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:21,976
- Shirley, stop helping me.
- What?

420
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,978
- What did I do wrong?
- Nothing, Ma. Relax.

421
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:27,941
Why don't you go get yourself
a cup of coffee.

422
00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,126
There's a machine out there now.

423
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,193
There's a coffee machine?

424
00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,487
Oh, what a wonderful idea!

425
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,490
Go home.

426
00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:37,450
You know what, Pop,
I'm not going home.

427
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,868
I'm staying.

428
00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:40,346
I'm gonna go through
those cockamamie books,

429
00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:42,205
and I'm gonna get things
in shape around here.

430
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:45,750
I'm gonna start by firing the
low-hanging fruit like Manny.

431
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,103
- Manny's not a fruit. He came to your bar mitzvah.
- He's gone.

432
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,921
I'm firing him today.
Along with Pete,

433
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:51,440
who's in the storage room
playing cards

434
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,775
with two other guys
that I don't know.

435
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:53,842
They're fired, too.

436
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:56,094
Every single freeloader
around here, gone.

437
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,762
I'm getting them
off the payroll.

438
00:18:57,804 --> 00:18:59,931
I'm gonna find a fucking
seven-day-a-week repairman.

439
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:02,517
And once I know this place isn't
being run like a mental asylum,

440
00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,811
then I'll go home.

441
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:10,650
Oh, this coffee is delicious!

442
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,498
She's got to work
on these notes.

443
00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:27,584
Here comes one, with
Andy Griffith bringing it in.

444
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,103
Andy Griffith!

445
00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:33,089
Howdy, Steve. Well...

446
00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:34,841
Who's next for you?

447
00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:37,886
I've got one here, Steve,
from last July,

448
00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:41,306
where they sent up two mice
in a space rocket,

449
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:42,974
and they-they lost them both.

450
00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:44,243
I heard about that.
It's too bad.

451
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:45,619
How do they plan
to find them again?

452
00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:47,353
Well, they got it figured out,
Steve.

453
00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:48,831
They figure they're gonna
launch a cat.

454
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,273
A cat. Uh-huh.
Yeah.

455
00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:52,567
Thank you, Andy.
He'll be back in a little bit.

456
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,986
And now, here come
the McGuire Sisters.

457
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,077
Night, Susie.

458
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:06,039
Night, Ethan.

459
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,708
Look. Should we get it
for Sergei?

460
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,877
Oh, God, no.

461
00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:13,796
- To the market?
- To the market.

462
00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:16,257
I do love our Thursdays.

463
00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:24,849
<i>♪ How are ya
fixed for moonlight? ♪</i>

464
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:29,354
<i>♪ How are ya fixed for stars? ♪</i>

465
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:33,066
<i>♪ How are ya
fixed for kissing ♪</i>

466
00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:37,362
<i>♪ While we listen
to soft guitars? ♪</i>

467
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,948
<i>♪ How are ya
fixed for someone ♪</i>

468
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:41,824
<i>♪ To watch the rain with? ♪</i>

469
00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:46,955
<i>♪ To stroll
down the lane with? ♪</i>

470
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:50,083
<i>♪ For someone to just go ♪</i>

471
00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:52,168
<i>♪ A little insane with? ♪</i>

472
00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:55,672
<i>♪ How are ya
fixed for memories? ♪</i>

473
00:20:55,713 --> 00:20:59,342
<i>♪ Memories that shine
so bright? ♪</i>

474
00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:02,178
<i>♪ If we let fancy take us ♪</i>

475
00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,807
<i>♪ We could make us
a few tonight ♪</i>

476
00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:09,143
<i>♪ How are ya
fixed for someone ♪</i>

477
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:13,356
<i>♪ Who'll fit your arms
like a glove? ♪</i>

478
00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:16,317
<i>♪ Hey, tell me, baby ♪</i>

479
00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:19,070
<i>♪ How are ya fixed for love? ♪</i>

480
00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:31,666
<i>♪ How are ya fixed for kissin' ♪</i>

481
00:21:31,708 --> 00:21:36,379
<i>♪ While we dig
those wild guitars? ♪</i>

482
00:21:36,421 --> 00:21:38,506
<i>♪ How are ya fixed for someone ♪</i>

483
00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:42,927
<i>♪ Who'll fit your arms
like a glove? ♪</i>

484
00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:45,263
<i>♪ Hey, tell me, baby ♪</i>

485
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,181
<i>♪ How are ya fixed for ♪</i>

486
00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:48,891
<i>♪ Tell me, baby ♪</i>

487
00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:53,521
<i>♪ How are ya fixed for love? ♪</i>

488
00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:08,077
<i>♪ I see trees of green ♪</i>

489
00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:11,539
<i>♪ Red roses, too ♪</i>

490
00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:14,751
<i>♪ I see them bloom ♪</i>

491
00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:17,086
<i>♪ For me and you ♪</i>

492
00:22:17,128 --> 00:22:22,300
<i>♪ And I think to myself ♪</i>

493
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:26,262
<i>♪ What a wonderful world ♪</i>

494
00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:31,309
<i>♪ Yes ♪</i>

495
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:36,189
<i>♪ I think to myself ♪</i>

496
00:22:36,230 --> 00:22:40,943
<i>♪ What a wonderful world ♪</i>

497
00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:50,870
<i>♪ Ooh, yeah. ♪</i>

498
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:55,583
Hello?

499
00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:57,061
Hey, pal, it's Daddy.

500
00:22:57,085 --> 00:22:58,294
Hi, Daddy.

501
00:22:58,336 --> 00:23:00,713
Wow, you're answering
the phone now, huh, buddy?

502
00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:03,341
- Big man now.
- Yeah.

503
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:04,884
Hey, put your mommy on, okay?

504
00:23:04,926 --> 00:23:06,385
Okay.

505
00:23:06,427 --> 00:23:08,387
Phone!

506
00:23:10,348 --> 00:23:11,933
Hello?

507
00:23:11,974 --> 00:23:13,768
Who the fuck is this?

508
00:23:13,810 --> 00:23:15,853
- Who the fuck is this?
- This is Joel.

509
00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:17,396
- Who?
- Midge's husband. Who are you?

510
00:23:17,438 --> 00:23:18,648
Susie.

511
00:23:18,689 --> 00:23:21,317
- Susie who?
- From the Gaslight.

512
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:22,819
What the hell are you
doing there?

513
00:23:22,860 --> 00:23:24,862
I don't know.
Why the hell are you calling?

514
00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:26,948
- Midge is my wife.
- Not anymore.

515
00:23:26,989 --> 00:23:29,909
I asked Ethan to put his mother
on... why'd he put you on?

516
00:23:29,951 --> 00:23:31,619
I don't know,
he's your idiot kid.

517
00:23:31,661 --> 00:23:33,246
You know what?

518
00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:35,206
- Is Midge there?
- No.

519
00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:36,624
Can you take a message?

520
00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:38,251
- No.
- Will you take a message?

521
00:23:38,292 --> 00:23:40,753
I need her to meet me.
It's important.

522
00:23:40,795 --> 00:23:42,880
- Hello?
- Fine.

523
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:45,341
Tell Midge to meet me
at 15 West 40th.

524
00:23:45,383 --> 00:23:47,760
I-I like the molding,

525
00:23:47,802 --> 00:23:49,196
but I may want to
strip the paint off.

526
00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:51,264
- Is that possible?
- It's getting late.

527
00:23:51,305 --> 00:23:54,642
- Knock-knock.
- Midge, great. Come in.

528
00:23:54,684 --> 00:23:56,144
I'd like you to meet
Mr. Greenberg.

529
00:23:56,185 --> 00:23:57,645
Mr. Greenberg owns
the building.

530
00:23:57,687 --> 00:24:00,606
Oh, well, your parents must be
so very proud.

531
00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:03,568
Don't touch anything.
The paint's not dry.

532
00:24:03,609 --> 00:24:05,987
- Well, he's a charmer.
- He's fine.

533
00:24:06,028 --> 00:24:08,322
The most important thing is
he keeps a clean building.

534
00:24:08,364 --> 00:24:11,159
Anyhow, thank you for coming.

535
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,286
- You said it was important.
- I know.

536
00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:15,705
I didn't mean to be dramatic,
but I-I've toured

537
00:24:15,746 --> 00:24:17,582
a lot of shitholes
over the past few weeks,

538
00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:19,500
so when I finally
found this place,

539
00:24:19,542 --> 00:24:22,086
I had to get you down here
before someone else took it.

540
00:24:22,128 --> 00:24:24,297
What are you talking about?
What is this?

541
00:24:24,338 --> 00:24:27,592
Your new apartment.

542
00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:29,468
I really think it's
the perfect place for you.

543
00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:33,055
- For me?
- And Ethan and Esther.

544
00:24:33,097 --> 00:24:34,849
I know it's smaller
than you're used to,

545
00:24:34,891 --> 00:24:37,894
but it's very clean,
it's an elevator building.

546
00:24:37,935 --> 00:24:40,438
It's a great location, halfway
between the club downtown

547
00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:41,981
and your parents' apartment.

548
00:24:42,023 --> 00:24:43,357
There's a great park
a block away.

549
00:24:43,399 --> 00:24:44,626
The butcher's right
around the corner,

550
00:24:44,650 --> 00:24:45,919
and it's right off
three subways.

551
00:24:45,943 --> 00:24:48,696
I can manage it, and you won't
have to work anymore.

552
00:24:48,738 --> 00:24:51,240
Whoa, whoa, whoa, who says
I'm gonna stop working?

553
00:24:51,282 --> 00:24:53,743
- Well, you'll have to.
- Oh, I will?

554
00:24:53,784 --> 00:24:55,369
- Why will I have to?
- I...

555
00:24:55,411 --> 00:24:57,747
Am I suddenly unable
to apply lipstick?

556
00:24:57,788 --> 00:24:59,415
- No.
- I can't point to powder?

557
00:24:59,457 --> 00:25:01,292
- You can point.
- I can't spritz a person

558
00:25:01,334 --> 00:25:03,054
with perfume?
That's where my abilities end?

559
00:25:03,085 --> 00:25:04,479
You'll have the kids.
You won't have your parents

560
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:05,504
or Zelda around.

561
00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:06,756
I figured you'd want to quit.

562
00:25:06,797 --> 00:25:08,007
Oh, you figured.
You figured?

563
00:25:08,049 --> 00:25:09,800
- What's the matter?
- I just don't like you

564
00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:11,135
telling me where I'm gonna live.

565
00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:12,220
I wasn't telling you.

566
00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:13,596
Where are you gonna live, huh?

567
00:25:13,638 --> 00:25:14,847
- Me?
- Yeah, you're still

568
00:25:14,889 --> 00:25:16,349
- at your parents', right?
- Yes.

569
00:25:16,390 --> 00:25:17,659
Well, if you can tell me
where I'm gonna live,

570
00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:18,869
- then I can tell you where you're gonna live.
- Midge.

571
00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:20,370
Turtle Bay.
You're gonna live in Turtle Bay.

572
00:25:20,394 --> 00:25:22,480
- Where the hell is Turtle Bay?
- I don't know.

573
00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:23,957
It's right off three subways.
Have fun!

574
00:25:23,981 --> 00:25:25,566
- Why are you angry?
- I'm not angry.

575
00:25:25,608 --> 00:25:27,777
- It's a nice apartment.
- I had a nice apartment.

576
00:25:27,818 --> 00:25:29,695
- I know.
- And I lost it because of you.

577
00:25:29,737 --> 00:25:31,113
I know.

578
00:25:31,155 --> 00:25:32,949
And it was right off
three subways, too.

579
00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:34,367
It wasn't, actually.

580
00:25:34,408 --> 00:25:36,369
How can you suddenly
afford this?

581
00:25:36,410 --> 00:25:38,412
Huh? You quit your job.

582
00:25:38,454 --> 00:25:40,039
- Right?
- Uh...

583
00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:41,475
Imogene said that
you quit your job,

584
00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:42,792
and now Archie's gonna
get fired.

585
00:25:42,833 --> 00:25:44,001
Why is Archie gonna
get fired?

586
00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:45,336
I don't know. Ask Imogene.

587
00:25:45,378 --> 00:25:47,397
She said that you walked out
and left Archie standing

588
00:25:47,421 --> 00:25:48,881
next to the chart that she made.

589
00:25:48,923 --> 00:25:50,341
- Imogene made that chart?
- Yes.

590
00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:51,467
That was a great chart.

591
00:25:51,509 --> 00:25:52,551
So you get another job?

592
00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:54,887
- Midge, I've got it covered.
- How?

593
00:25:54,929 --> 00:25:56,073
Do you like the apartment
or not?

594
00:25:56,097 --> 00:25:59,475
- No.
- Fine.

595
00:25:59,517 --> 00:26:01,102
Yes, it's very nice.

596
00:26:01,143 --> 00:26:03,813
The phone niche is
particularly delightful.

597
00:26:03,854 --> 00:26:06,148
I'm sorry,
it's not the apartment.

598
00:26:06,190 --> 00:26:08,943
The apartment's fine.
It's just a lot...

599
00:26:08,985 --> 00:26:11,153
I can find my own place.

600
00:26:11,195 --> 00:26:13,072
Okay, find your own place.

601
00:26:13,114 --> 00:26:14,925
Just tell me what it costs
and I'll pay for it.

602
00:26:14,949 --> 00:26:16,701
With the job
you don't have yet?

603
00:26:16,742 --> 00:26:18,494
Midge, give me a break, please?

604
00:26:18,536 --> 00:26:21,163
I'm just trying to do
some fucking thing right here!

605
00:26:21,205 --> 00:26:25,960
I know. I know.

606
00:26:26,002 --> 00:26:28,546
Sorry to drag you out here
like this.

607
00:26:28,587 --> 00:26:30,506
It's a nice place, it's just...

608
00:26:30,548 --> 00:26:33,426
I get it.

609
00:26:39,557 --> 00:26:41,517
I don't want you to live
in Turtle Bay.

610
00:26:41,559 --> 00:26:44,020
I don't either.

611
00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:46,272
Okay.

612
00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:48,566
Well, that's settled.

613
00:26:50,985 --> 00:26:53,362
No, no, no, no, no,
I-I can do this.

614
00:26:53,404 --> 00:26:55,299
I am a learned man, I teach
at a major university.

615
00:26:55,323 --> 00:26:56,449
Fine.

616
00:26:56,490 --> 00:26:58,617
Ah! Thursday, right there.

617
00:26:58,659 --> 00:27:00,036
That says "Thursday."

618
00:27:00,077 --> 00:27:02,747
Bravo. Ethan would be
very proud of you.

619
00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:06,083
See, I hear some very French
sarcasm in that "bravo."

620
00:27:06,125 --> 00:27:08,044
Pas du tout!
That means "not at all."

621
00:27:08,085 --> 00:27:09,754
Are you ready?

622
00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:11,047
For what?

623
00:27:11,088 --> 00:27:12,506
Come on.

624
00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:14,175
Rose, where are you taking me?

625
00:27:14,216 --> 00:27:16,510
Rose, you're being
very mysterious.

626
00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:18,429
Am I? We're here.

627
00:27:18,471 --> 00:27:21,223
It's so exciting.

628
00:27:26,896 --> 00:27:28,731
Voilà!

629
00:27:28,773 --> 00:27:30,691
What is this?

630
00:27:30,733 --> 00:27:33,736
Jeanne, from my class,
her parents own the building.

631
00:27:33,778 --> 00:27:35,321
The tenants just moved out,

632
00:27:35,363 --> 00:27:37,049
so they haven't had the chance
to fix it up yet,

633
00:27:37,073 --> 00:27:38,592
but I just had to
show it to you immediately.

634
00:27:38,616 --> 00:27:40,201
Obviously, it needs some paint

635
00:27:40,242 --> 00:27:42,220
and some repairs here and there,
but look at the view.

636
00:27:42,244 --> 00:27:43,579
Ooh, that's some view.

637
00:27:43,621 --> 00:27:45,581
See over there?
That's your café.

638
00:27:45,623 --> 00:27:47,208
- So it is.
- Five blocks away.

639
00:27:47,249 --> 00:27:49,627
- Ah.
- There are two bedrooms back here.

640
00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:51,670
A perfect little kitchen,
bathroom.

641
00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:53,190
- Look at that ceiling.
- Isn't it marvelous?

642
00:27:53,214 --> 00:27:55,049
I almost don't want them
to fix it up.

643
00:27:55,091 --> 00:27:57,426
It's sort of glorious
in its shabbiness.

644
00:27:57,468 --> 00:28:00,429
We-we could put a sofa there,

645
00:28:00,471 --> 00:28:02,223
some chairs,
right over here your piano.

646
00:28:02,264 --> 00:28:03,367
Ooh, yes.

647
00:28:03,391 --> 00:28:04,642
The acoustics are perfect.

648
00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:06,185
The dining room would
go in here.

649
00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:09,230
We could fit eight comfortably,
ten with a leaf.

650
00:28:09,271 --> 00:28:12,441
And right over here would be
a great place for you to read.

651
00:28:12,483 --> 00:28:14,693
Oh, yes, perfect reading light.

652
00:28:14,735 --> 00:28:18,197
This wall is for bookshelves,
I think a console over here.

653
00:28:18,239 --> 00:28:19,865
A radio, record player...

654
00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:21,218
- Are they dog friendly?
- They're dog friendly.

655
00:28:21,242 --> 00:28:22,743
They have to be dog friendly.

656
00:28:22,785 --> 00:28:24,346
Plus, there's a little park
around the corner

657
00:28:24,370 --> 00:28:25,430
where we could throw
her little ball.

658
00:28:25,454 --> 00:28:26,515
She loves that little ball.

659
00:28:26,539 --> 00:28:28,124
It's special, isn't it?

660
00:28:28,165 --> 00:28:31,335
- Well, it is just a ball.
- No, the apartment.

661
00:28:31,377 --> 00:28:33,671
- Oh, yes, it's magnificent.
- I know.

662
00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:35,214
I mean, I love our little place,

663
00:28:35,256 --> 00:28:37,550
but it's not very practical
for the long term.

664
00:28:37,591 --> 00:28:40,678
Though I will miss the boys, but
we'll just have to get used to

665
00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:42,096
our own bathroom again.

666
00:28:42,138 --> 00:28:44,682
And hot water, we'll have to
get used to hot water again.

667
00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:49,270
Rose.

668
00:28:49,311 --> 00:28:51,480
- Rose.
- Hmm?

669
00:28:53,649 --> 00:28:56,110
We can't buy this apartment.

670
00:28:56,152 --> 00:28:57,486
Why not?

671
00:28:57,528 --> 00:28:59,530
Because we don't live here.

672
00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:01,282
Well, we will
after we buy the place.

673
00:29:01,323 --> 00:29:03,409
In Paris,
we don't live in Paris.

674
00:29:03,451 --> 00:29:04,743
We have to go home.

675
00:29:04,785 --> 00:29:06,245
Paris is home.

676
00:29:06,287 --> 00:29:07,913
No, Rose, it's not.

677
00:29:07,955 --> 00:29:09,498
Why not?

678
00:29:09,540 --> 00:29:11,750
Because my classes at Columbia
start in a week.

679
00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:13,586
I'm a tenured professor.

680
00:29:13,627 --> 00:29:15,880
And if I don't go back,
I'll lose my spot at Bell Labs.

681
00:29:15,921 --> 00:29:18,466
And if I don't go back,
what will I lose?

682
00:29:18,507 --> 00:29:21,385
- Well...
- Drapes will have to be made,

683
00:29:21,427 --> 00:29:22,970
but the shutters will do
for now.

684
00:29:23,012 --> 00:29:25,598
Rose, stop.
Our lives are in New York.

685
00:29:25,639 --> 00:29:27,016
Your friends are in New York.

686
00:29:27,057 --> 00:29:28,601
Your-your garden club
is in New York.

687
00:29:28,642 --> 00:29:30,895
I have friends here, too.
So do you.

688
00:29:30,936 --> 00:29:33,022
- What friends?
- What are you talking about?

689
00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:35,733
Thierry, Rolf, Sergei.
Have you forgotten about them?

690
00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:37,610
Of course not.

691
00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:39,754
You're part of their group;
you're-you're one of them.

692
00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:43,657
I am not one of th... I have no
idea what they're talking about.

693
00:29:43,699 --> 00:29:46,285
They could be sitting there
saying, "That idiot, Abe,

694
00:29:46,327 --> 00:29:48,704
"thinks we like him.
Let's set his coat on fire,

695
00:29:48,746 --> 00:29:50,748
and see how long it takes him
to notice."

696
00:29:50,789 --> 00:29:52,458
Well, not Thierry,
he cries too much,

697
00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,293
but Sergei,
he looks like a pyro.

698
00:29:54,335 --> 00:29:56,295
That's not true;
they're kindred spirits.

699
00:29:56,337 --> 00:29:58,631
They all drink 40 cups
of coffee a day

700
00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:00,466
and switch to absinthe at noon.

701
00:30:00,508 --> 00:30:02,885
They all have wives
and girlfriends.

702
00:30:02,927 --> 00:30:05,471
- So what?
- I don't want a girlfriend.

703
00:30:05,513 --> 00:30:07,848
I'm still getting used
to a maid.

704
00:30:07,890 --> 00:30:10,851
I am not French.
I'm different.

705
00:30:10,893 --> 00:30:12,978
You're adjusting.
Y-You're learning the language.

706
00:30:13,020 --> 00:30:14,897
"Thursday,"
I learned "Thursday."

707
00:30:14,939 --> 00:30:17,191
W-Wednesday can't be far behind.

708
00:30:17,233 --> 00:30:19,026
Rose.

709
00:30:19,068 --> 00:30:22,404
I want to go home.

710
00:30:22,446 --> 00:30:25,950
This has been
a wonderful vacation...

711
00:30:28,202 --> 00:30:30,913
...but it's time to go back
to our life.

712
00:30:30,955 --> 00:30:32,623
What life?

713
00:30:32,665 --> 00:30:34,583
My daughter does not want
my guidance.

714
00:30:34,625 --> 00:30:36,168
You have no need for my input.

715
00:30:36,210 --> 00:30:37,753
I'm alone in New York.

716
00:30:37,795 --> 00:30:40,172
Here, I have art.

717
00:30:40,214 --> 00:30:43,259
I have independence;
no one looks at me with pity.

718
00:30:43,300 --> 00:30:45,511
- No one looks at you...
- Poor Rose, she's too fragile

719
00:30:45,553 --> 00:30:48,264
to be told the truth,
too delicate to confide in.

720
00:30:48,305 --> 00:30:50,558
She'll shatter.

721
00:30:50,599 --> 00:30:54,728
Here in Paris, I'm...

722
00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:56,814
shatterproof.

723
00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:59,066
I'm-I'm sorry I lied to you.

724
00:30:59,108 --> 00:31:01,610
I'll never do it again.

725
00:31:01,652 --> 00:31:05,030
And I-I promise
we will figure out a way

726
00:31:05,072 --> 00:31:07,283
to make it better
once we get back.

727
00:31:07,324 --> 00:31:10,202
But we have to go back.

728
00:31:10,244 --> 00:31:12,496
Do you hear me?

729
00:31:12,538 --> 00:31:15,291
Rose.

730
00:31:15,332 --> 00:31:18,002
Rosie.

731
00:31:32,099 --> 00:31:33,851
Wait.

732
00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:35,603
Smell that?

733
00:31:35,644 --> 00:31:37,062
Smells like cheap beer and piss.

734
00:31:37,104 --> 00:31:39,106
I know. Exciting, right?

735
00:31:39,148 --> 00:31:40,482
Hi. I'm working here tonight.

736
00:31:40,524 --> 00:31:42,026
- I'm a comic.
- Oh.

737
00:31:42,067 --> 00:31:43,319
What's up her ass?

738
00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:44,445
Tone down the perk.

739
00:31:44,486 --> 00:31:45,571
We're in a real club now.

740
00:31:45,613 --> 00:31:46,655
Sorry.

741
00:31:46,697 --> 00:31:47,990
Fuck you, keep walking.

742
00:31:48,032 --> 00:31:49,199
There you go.

743
00:31:49,241 --> 00:31:52,119
Aha. There he is.

744
00:31:52,161 --> 00:31:53,746
Bobby, hi.

745
00:31:53,787 --> 00:31:55,748
Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson
and Associates.

746
00:31:55,789 --> 00:31:57,833
I don't need that.
You're my girl comedian?

747
00:31:57,875 --> 00:31:59,209
- Yes, I am.
- All right.

748
00:31:59,251 --> 00:32:00,878
I have you down
for an eight-minute slot.

749
00:32:00,919 --> 00:32:02,230
Eight minutes. Eight minutes.
Eight minutes?

750
00:32:02,254 --> 00:32:03,690
- I'll talk fast.
- Eight minutes is great.

751
00:32:03,714 --> 00:32:04,673
Here's four drink tickets.

752
00:32:04,715 --> 00:32:06,300
You're up third.

753
00:32:06,342 --> 00:32:08,260
- Third. Good slot.
- Really?

754
00:32:08,302 --> 00:32:09,928
Are you kidding?
Third is perfect.

755
00:32:09,970 --> 00:32:11,930
The crowd is warmed up
but not worn out.

756
00:32:11,972 --> 00:32:13,432
Yeah? Okay. Third. Great.

757
00:32:13,474 --> 00:32:15,768
How do I look?
Hair? Makeup? Teeth?

758
00:32:15,809 --> 00:32:18,020
Excuse me.
Uh, Mrs. Maisel, is it?

759
00:32:18,062 --> 00:32:19,438
- Midge is fine.
- Oh.

760
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,065
Midge is fine.
Isn't Midge fine?

761
00:32:21,106 --> 00:32:23,859
Bobby told us there was a lady
comic coming on tonight.

762
00:32:23,901 --> 00:32:25,527
Didn't tell us
she was quite so pretty.

763
00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:27,655
- Well, thank you.
- That is a lovely dress.

764
00:32:27,696 --> 00:32:29,531
Susie Myerson.
I'm her manager.

765
00:32:29,573 --> 00:32:31,468
So you're the girl
from the Gaslight gig, right?

766
00:32:31,492 --> 00:32:33,243
Lenny Bruce's girl.

767
00:32:33,285 --> 00:32:34,763
Oh, I'm not his girl,
just his friend.

768
00:32:34,787 --> 00:32:36,097
So what kind of act do you do?

769
00:32:36,121 --> 00:32:38,749
Birds? Violin? Wait... singer.

770
00:32:38,791 --> 00:32:40,101
- Nope.
- Oh, you should sing.

771
00:32:40,125 --> 00:32:41,353
You'd clean up as a singer.

772
00:32:41,377 --> 00:32:42,753
But I-I don't sing.

773
00:32:42,795 --> 00:32:44,421
It doesn't matter,
just wear that dress.

774
00:32:44,463 --> 00:32:47,758
Hey, so one colleague to
another, uh, you and Lenny...?

775
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:49,218
Me and Lenny what?

776
00:32:49,259 --> 00:32:51,071
Well, what he did for you,
that was pretty big.

777
00:32:51,095 --> 00:32:53,073
You must've done something
pretty big for him first, right?

778
00:32:53,097 --> 00:32:54,890
Nothing but respect if you did.

779
00:32:54,932 --> 00:32:56,934
Hey, I'd sleep with Lenny Bruce
if he asked.

780
00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:59,603
- The man is a god.
- She did not fucking sleep with Lenny Bruce.

781
00:32:59,645 --> 00:33:00,979
- Yeah.
- And even if she did,

782
00:33:01,021 --> 00:33:02,481
that's not why he did the gig.

783
00:33:02,523 --> 00:33:04,024
I-I didn't sleep with him.

784
00:33:04,066 --> 00:33:05,442
I know, but my point is,

785
00:33:05,484 --> 00:33:07,111
even if you did,
it doesn't matter.

786
00:33:07,152 --> 00:33:08,963
- Yeah, but I didn't.
- I know, but if you did...?

787
00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:10,531
For fuck's sake.

788
00:33:10,572 --> 00:33:12,491
Wow, little lady's got
a potty mouth.

789
00:33:12,533 --> 00:33:15,828
Lenny teach you that also?

790
00:33:17,121 --> 00:33:19,248
- Well, I like them.
- Oh, relax.

791
00:33:19,289 --> 00:33:21,309
Odds are at least one of them
has late-stage syphilis.

792
00:33:21,333 --> 00:33:22,376
I'm getting a drink.

793
00:33:22,418 --> 00:33:23,460
- You want one?
- Nope.

794
00:33:23,502 --> 00:33:24,461
- You want to sit?
- Nope.

795
00:33:24,503 --> 00:33:25,879
I am going to stay fresh.

796
00:33:25,921 --> 00:33:27,423
Okay, well,
as long as you're okay

797
00:33:27,464 --> 00:33:28,983
with me sitting and drinking,
we're good.

798
00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,676
Hey, everybody,
I'm Bobby Stelter,

799
00:33:30,718 --> 00:33:32,344
your humble host
for the evening.

800
00:33:32,386 --> 00:33:34,972
Are you guys in the mood
for a fantastic show?

801
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:36,974
All right,
then what you want to do

802
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:38,618
is walk outside
and catch a cab to the Copa

803
00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:39,893
'cause it ain't happening here.

804
00:33:39,935 --> 00:33:41,204
Now, let's bring up
our first comic.

805
00:33:41,228 --> 00:33:43,522
He's Canadian, but don't
hold that against him.

806
00:33:43,564 --> 00:33:45,441
Joey Parker!

807
00:33:48,444 --> 00:33:49,987
Thanks, Bobby.

808
00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:51,780
True story.

809
00:33:51,822 --> 00:33:55,659
Before John Wayne was famous,
he was a prop man on movie sets.

810
00:33:55,701 --> 00:33:58,662
But what if he never
became "The Duke"

811
00:33:58,704 --> 00:34:00,622
and was still working
behind the scenes?

812
00:34:00,664 --> 00:34:03,500
Could you see him having to be
James Mason's prop guy?

813
00:34:05,085 --> 00:34:07,838
Well, here ya go, pilgrim.

814
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,465
A gun?

815
00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:12,426
Why are you handing me a gun?

816
00:34:12,468 --> 00:34:15,053
It's a Colt Single Action.

817
00:34:15,095 --> 00:34:17,222
They'll know who's boss.

818
00:34:17,264 --> 00:34:19,475
- Mrs. Maisel.
- Yes, here.

819
00:34:19,516 --> 00:34:21,393
- Put your hand down.
- Slight change.

820
00:34:21,435 --> 00:34:23,228
You're gonna go on
fourth now, okay?

821
00:34:23,270 --> 00:34:24,605
Oh, sure. Fourth.

822
00:34:24,646 --> 00:34:26,231
- Fourth is, fourth is...
- Better.

823
00:34:26,273 --> 00:34:28,066
- Really?
- Much better. Fourth is perfect.

824
00:34:28,108 --> 00:34:29,735
I thought you said third
was perfect.

825
00:34:29,777 --> 00:34:31,278
Mm, fourth is more perfect.

826
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:33,339
I didn't want to say it before
'cause you were going on third,

827
00:34:33,363 --> 00:34:35,073
but fourth is so much better.

828
00:34:35,115 --> 00:34:37,618
Yo, barkeep.

829
00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:39,661
I used to be a lawyer

830
00:34:39,703 --> 00:34:41,163
and I was terrible at it.

831
00:34:41,205 --> 00:34:43,874
I would hear
the other lawyers' arguments

832
00:34:43,916 --> 00:34:45,477
and I'd start to look
at my client sideways like,

833
00:34:45,501 --> 00:34:47,753
"Yeah, you do seem guilty."

834
00:34:47,795 --> 00:34:50,631
- You sure you don't want to sit?
- Staying fresh.

835
00:34:50,672 --> 00:34:52,776
Okay, well, see, here's what's
good about going on fourth.

836
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:54,343
I'm listening.

837
00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:56,345
Gives you time to look around,
take in the room.

838
00:34:56,386 --> 00:34:58,263
- What am I looking for?
- Material.

839
00:34:58,305 --> 00:35:01,642
- For example, you see that lady?
- Yeah. Ooh, that hat.

840
00:35:01,683 --> 00:35:04,228
Exactly. That hat is screaming
to be talked about.

841
00:35:04,269 --> 00:35:07,064
That hat is the fat girl in
a family full of beauty queens.

842
00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:08,482
I can do something with that.

843
00:35:08,524 --> 00:35:10,692
Hey, doll, what's with the hat?

844
00:35:10,734 --> 00:35:13,237
Going to a Minnie Pearl
look-alike contest later?

845
00:35:13,278 --> 00:35:15,280
Howdy!

846
00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:17,950
Shit. Minnie Pearl. So easy.

847
00:35:17,991 --> 00:35:19,535
Work for it a little at least.

848
00:35:19,576 --> 00:35:21,245
Bobby, I have another spot
tonight uptown.

849
00:35:21,286 --> 00:35:22,704
At this rate,
I'll never get there.

850
00:35:22,746 --> 00:35:24,265
- Stan...
- You want me to miss the gig?

851
00:35:24,289 --> 00:35:25,683
I won't get paid
and my little girl's

852
00:35:25,707 --> 00:35:27,251
gonna have to go without braces.

853
00:35:27,292 --> 00:35:29,062
She's gonna go through life
looking like Tim Tam

854
00:35:29,086 --> 00:35:30,629
'cause you got an Italian watch.

855
00:35:30,671 --> 00:35:32,005
Okay, okay. You're up next.

856
00:35:32,047 --> 00:35:34,007
- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Yup.

857
00:35:34,049 --> 00:35:36,093
- Mrs. Maisel, listen, I'm sorr...
- Yeah, we heard.

858
00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:38,095
You've already bumped her.
Bump someone else.

859
00:35:38,136 --> 00:35:39,739
Stan's a regular. He's been
working here four years.

860
00:35:39,763 --> 00:35:41,431
He brings people in.

861
00:35:41,473 --> 00:35:44,685
You work here four years,
you bring people in, we'll talk.

862
00:35:44,726 --> 00:35:47,563
So, going fifth
is better 'cause...?

863
00:35:47,604 --> 00:35:49,940
The audience is drunker?
Lowers the bar.

864
00:35:55,571 --> 00:35:57,406
All right, let's keep
this cavalcade of comedy

865
00:35:57,447 --> 00:35:59,032
moving along, right?

866
00:35:59,074 --> 00:36:01,118
All right, next up,
a lot of you know his work.

867
00:36:01,159 --> 00:36:03,871
He's always funny,
always polite and discreet,

868
00:36:03,912 --> 00:36:07,332
our very own Stan Benning!

869
00:36:07,374 --> 00:36:10,502
- Stan!
- Thanks, Bobby. Mwah!

870
00:36:10,544 --> 00:36:13,005
Hey, look at you.

871
00:36:13,046 --> 00:36:14,923
Lots of beautiful women
in the audience.

872
00:36:14,965 --> 00:36:16,508
Too bad I'm married.

873
00:36:16,550 --> 00:36:20,512
My wife looks like
a work of art, a Picasso.

874
00:36:20,554 --> 00:36:22,723
You know, Disney has a new movie
about a princess

875
00:36:22,764 --> 00:36:24,516
called Sleeping Beauty

876
00:36:24,558 --> 00:36:28,770
and a new movie about my wife
called, "Not now, I'm sleeping."

877
00:36:28,812 --> 00:36:32,065
Oh, and hey, we got a girl comic
coming up in a little bit.

878
00:36:32,107 --> 00:36:33,775
That ought to be entertaining.

879
00:36:33,817 --> 00:36:36,278
Madge or Marjorie,
something like that.

880
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:38,030
Don't get too excited, fellas.

881
00:36:38,071 --> 00:36:40,073
She keeps her clothes on.

882
00:36:40,115 --> 00:36:43,410
Plan to laugh at something
the guy next to you says

883
00:36:43,452 --> 00:36:45,162
'cause I ain't vouching
for Madge,

884
00:36:45,203 --> 00:36:47,623
though I hear
she's a hell of a singer.

885
00:36:47,664 --> 00:36:49,541
Fill her up!
You sure you don't...?

886
00:36:49,583 --> 00:36:51,543
Fresh, remember?

887
00:36:51,585 --> 00:36:55,047
I'd work up a hot rendition of
"Swanee" if I were you, Madge.

888
00:37:24,660 --> 00:37:27,287
- Aah! Shit.
- Pop.

889
00:37:27,329 --> 00:37:29,081
- Jesus.
- What the hell are you doing here?

890
00:37:29,122 --> 00:37:31,959
- What does it look like?
- You have got to find a girl.

891
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:35,337
- What time is it?
- 11:30.

892
00:37:35,379 --> 00:37:37,506
I checked downstairs already.

893
00:37:37,547 --> 00:37:39,091
We're probably clear
for the night.

894
00:37:39,132 --> 00:37:41,051
They would've come by now.

895
00:37:41,093 --> 00:37:43,387
Okay.

896
00:37:43,428 --> 00:37:45,973
- Pop.
- Yeah?

897
00:37:46,014 --> 00:37:48,392
You want to get a drink?

898
00:37:48,433 --> 00:37:51,353
You remember the last time
we sat like this,

899
00:37:51,395 --> 00:37:54,189
you and me, a couple of drinks,
a couple of bats?

900
00:37:54,231 --> 00:37:56,817
- Nope.
- Yeah, me, either.

901
00:37:56,858 --> 00:37:58,777
Well, you have a life to live.

902
00:37:58,819 --> 00:38:00,362
We have to talk
about the factory.

903
00:38:00,404 --> 00:38:02,239
- No, we don't.
- The place is a mess.

904
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,449
- It's not a mess.
- Okay, it's not a mess.

905
00:38:04,491 --> 00:38:05,951
Well, it's a little bit
of a mess.

906
00:38:05,993 --> 00:38:09,246
- How? How did it get this bad?
- I don't know.

907
00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:12,249
A year ago you were doing fine.

908
00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:14,501
You know, when I started
this business,

909
00:38:14,543 --> 00:38:17,713
I knew it would do well.
I was a determined guy.

910
00:38:17,754 --> 00:38:20,424
I had a brain cell or two,
plus I didn't have a choice.

911
00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:22,092
Wasn't gonna sell pickles
off a pushcart

912
00:38:22,134 --> 00:38:23,510
like my father did.

913
00:38:23,552 --> 00:38:26,805
But then it took off like a shot

914
00:38:26,847 --> 00:38:29,307
and now I feel like I've been
running a fucking marathon

915
00:38:29,349 --> 00:38:31,059
for 20 years.

916
00:38:31,101 --> 00:38:32,853
Next thing I know, I got loans,

917
00:38:32,894 --> 00:38:35,272
padded payrolls
and your mother's books.

918
00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:37,941
The son of a bitch landlord is
threatening to triple the rent

919
00:38:37,983 --> 00:38:39,317
because he knows I can't move

920
00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:40,902
and you know what
the real problem is?

921
00:38:40,944 --> 00:38:44,114
- You should've found a Roth.
- Should've found a Roth.

922
00:38:44,156 --> 00:38:46,283
Wasn't enough just
to put it on the sign.

923
00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:48,076
Where are your guys, Pop?

924
00:38:48,118 --> 00:38:50,620
Where's Carl, Izzie, Benny?

925
00:38:50,662 --> 00:38:53,331
Benny's gone.
Left six months ago.

926
00:38:53,373 --> 00:38:54,767
Izzie's been dipping
in and out lately.

927
00:38:54,791 --> 00:38:57,544
I don't trust Izzie.
Carl's sick.

928
00:38:57,586 --> 00:38:59,546
He's technically still
on the payroll, but...

929
00:38:59,588 --> 00:39:03,341
Listen... I'm gonna stay.

930
00:39:03,383 --> 00:39:05,385
- Stay where?
- I'm gonna stay with the company.

931
00:39:05,427 --> 00:39:07,929
- Wait, wait a minute.
- Help get things back on track.

932
00:39:07,971 --> 00:39:09,848
Not forever. Understand?

933
00:39:09,890 --> 00:39:12,893
- But longer than I had intended to.
- No.

934
00:39:12,934 --> 00:39:15,270
We have to get this figured out.

935
00:39:15,312 --> 00:39:17,397
We need an accountant or
a shaman to fix those books

936
00:39:17,439 --> 00:39:19,399
and we have to take care
of the landlord.

937
00:39:19,441 --> 00:39:20,525
How are you gonna do that?

938
00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:23,195
- We're gonna buy the building.
- Ah!

939
00:39:23,236 --> 00:39:24,905
You got the crazy
from your mother.

940
00:39:24,946 --> 00:39:27,741
Padded cell for two.
Visiting day will be nice.

941
00:39:27,783 --> 00:39:29,659
- We'll take out a loan.
- Another loan.

942
00:39:29,701 --> 00:39:31,870
A real loan from a bank.

943
00:39:31,912 --> 00:39:33,622
I can help you, Pop.
You need me.

944
00:39:33,663 --> 00:39:36,374
And for all this
white knight bullshit,

945
00:39:36,416 --> 00:39:37,918
I expect you want to be paid?

946
00:39:37,959 --> 00:39:39,461
You bet your ass
I want to be paid.

947
00:39:39,503 --> 00:39:41,296
So you need me.

948
00:39:41,338 --> 00:39:44,216
Okay, yes.

949
00:39:44,257 --> 00:39:47,302
How do I know this all
isn't just a whim?

950
00:39:47,344 --> 00:39:51,139
How do I know you won't just
walk out when you're not happy?

951
00:39:51,181 --> 00:39:52,557
My name's Maisel, too, Pop.

952
00:39:52,599 --> 00:39:55,560
The Maisel name
is on that building

953
00:39:55,602 --> 00:39:57,229
and it's gonna stay
on that building.

954
00:39:57,270 --> 00:40:01,233
Listen, I want you
to talk to Uncle Moe.

955
00:40:01,274 --> 00:40:04,694
My friend Archie, I kind of
hung him out to dry when I quit.

956
00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:06,656
I want you to tell Uncle Moe
to take care of him.

957
00:40:06,696 --> 00:40:08,365
He can't be fired.

958
00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:10,635
Now you want me to tell my
brother how to run his business?

959
00:40:10,659 --> 00:40:14,246
Archie's a good man.
He deserves his spot there.

960
00:40:14,287 --> 00:40:17,207
Okay. I do that for you and
in return you hire Manny back.

961
00:40:17,249 --> 00:40:20,502
- What? No.
- If Manny goes, his wife Gloria goes.

962
00:40:20,544 --> 00:40:23,797
Gloria is my best seamstress.
Without her, I'm sunk.

963
00:40:23,839 --> 00:40:25,382
And Pete...?

964
00:40:25,423 --> 00:40:27,026
The schmuck playing cards
in the storeroom?

965
00:40:27,050 --> 00:40:28,402
His wife Bernice does
all my best embroidery.

966
00:40:28,426 --> 00:40:30,720
He went, she went.

967
00:40:30,762 --> 00:40:32,222
I need her back, too.

968
00:40:32,264 --> 00:40:34,141
Okay, Manny and Pete
can come back to work,

969
00:40:34,182 --> 00:40:35,684
but they have to fucking work.

970
00:40:35,725 --> 00:40:38,520
- Yeah. Good luck with that.
- So what? We have a deal?

971
00:40:38,562 --> 00:40:40,313
I'm back until things
are straightened out,

972
00:40:40,355 --> 00:40:41,565
until you're whole.

973
00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:43,400
Yeah.

974
00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:46,236
Remember, it's not permanent.

975
00:40:46,278 --> 00:40:48,488
- I am not your Roth.
- I know that.

976
00:40:48,530 --> 00:40:50,824
You're a Maisel.

977
00:40:54,578 --> 00:40:56,329
Jews come
from all over the world.

978
00:40:56,371 --> 00:40:58,415
In my family alone,
my grandparents speak

979
00:40:58,456 --> 00:41:01,418
five different languages, which
means that I know how to say,

980
00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:04,880
"Why aren't you married?"
in five different languages.

981
00:41:04,921 --> 00:41:06,440
I got circumcised
when I was eight days old.

982
00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:08,508
Only one ticket left. Fuck it.

983
00:41:08,550 --> 00:41:10,886
Hey, bar guy.

984
00:41:10,927 --> 00:41:12,888
Are you okay?

985
00:41:12,929 --> 00:41:15,390
I fell off the stool
like I'm Dylan Thomas.

986
00:41:15,432 --> 00:41:17,058
Okay, you're up.

987
00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:18,768
Great. How do I look?

988
00:41:18,810 --> 00:41:20,937
Hey. Get up. Manage shit.

989
00:41:20,979 --> 00:41:22,689
Sorry. Okay.

990
00:41:22,731 --> 00:41:24,411
Remember to wait
for the laughs completely.

991
00:41:24,441 --> 00:41:26,693
- You were rushing last week.
- I know. I'll remember.

992
00:41:26,735 --> 00:41:28,737
...money and a hand job.

993
00:41:28,778 --> 00:41:31,615
- Okay. Tits up.
- Tits up.

994
00:41:31,656 --> 00:41:34,326
Well, that's it for me tonight.
You've been a great audience.

995
00:41:36,369 --> 00:41:38,330
Everybody,
you're not gonna believe it,

996
00:41:38,371 --> 00:41:40,040
but someone just walked
in the door

997
00:41:40,081 --> 00:41:42,143
and there's no way he's leaving
without doing his thing.

998
00:41:42,167 --> 00:41:44,961
Jackie Vernon, get up here, man.

999
00:41:46,963 --> 00:41:49,424
Jackie Vernon!

1000
00:41:49,466 --> 00:41:53,470
Let him hear it.

1001
00:41:56,932 --> 00:42:00,101
Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen. Thank you.

1002
00:42:00,143 --> 00:42:02,646
Tonight I'd like
to talk about rejections.

1003
00:42:02,687 --> 00:42:06,483
My personal rejections
brought on a weight problem.

1004
00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:08,860
Every time a girl
would refuse me a date,

1005
00:42:08,902 --> 00:42:12,781
I'd eat a piece
of Bavarian cream pie.

1006
00:42:12,822 --> 00:42:16,326
One day I ate 238 pieces
of Bavarian cream pie.

1007
00:42:16,368 --> 00:42:18,495
So close, and then he shows up.

1008
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:21,248
But don't worry. He's gonna be
really easy to follow.

1009
00:42:21,289 --> 00:42:23,500
He's just super warming
the place up for you.

1010
00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:25,126
Like he's doing you a favor.

1011
00:42:25,168 --> 00:42:26,586
Thought you had to be somewhere.

1012
00:42:26,628 --> 00:42:28,630
And miss Jackie Vernon?
Not a chance.

1013
00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:31,150
My doctor told me to cut
out all sugar and use saccharin.

1014
00:42:31,174 --> 00:42:34,511
I used so much saccharin,
I developed artificial diabetes.

1015
00:42:35,971 --> 00:42:37,681
Okay, that's it.
I'll have a martini.

1016
00:42:37,722 --> 00:42:39,432
We're out of drink tickets.

1017
00:42:39,474 --> 00:42:41,393
I-I need something to eat, too.

1018
00:42:41,434 --> 00:42:42,852
Oh, hot dogs.
Two hot dogs.

1019
00:42:42,894 --> 00:42:44,437
Pay him for the hot dogs.

1020
00:42:44,479 --> 00:42:46,523
This is turning out
to be a very expensive gig.

1021
00:42:46,564 --> 00:42:48,566
Well, at least you're not
wearing the same outfit.

1022
00:42:48,608 --> 00:42:50,277
I should have seen this coming.

1023
00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:52,070
This whole day has been weird.

1024
00:42:52,112 --> 00:42:54,614
Joel decided
to find me an apartment.

1025
00:42:54,656 --> 00:42:57,325
Good. It's time that loser did
something other than his hair.

1026
00:42:57,367 --> 00:42:59,536
My own apartment.
I never lived on my own.

1027
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,746
I went from my parents,
to college,

1028
00:43:01,788 --> 00:43:03,498
back to my parents, to Joel.

1029
00:43:03,540 --> 00:43:05,667
I feel like I've been living
alone since I was nine.

1030
00:43:05,709 --> 00:43:07,419
I'm a little scared.

1031
00:43:07,460 --> 00:43:09,671
I mean, what happens
when the toilet clogs?

1032
00:43:09,713 --> 00:43:12,173
You get a plunger
and plunge all the shit out.

1033
00:43:12,215 --> 00:43:13,550
Ugh!

1034
00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:15,260
You are gonna die on your own.

1035
00:43:15,302 --> 00:43:17,512
They're gonna find you
on the floor half eaten

1036
00:43:17,554 --> 00:43:19,931
by your feral children, still
clutching the fucking plunger.

1037
00:43:19,973 --> 00:43:21,349
Hey, new subject.

1038
00:43:21,391 --> 00:43:23,393
Got a telegram from my parents.

1039
00:43:23,435 --> 00:43:24,978
Oh. They're coming home?

1040
00:43:25,020 --> 00:43:26,521
They're coming home.

1041
00:43:26,563 --> 00:43:28,398
We have to figure out
your living situation.

1042
00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:30,317
Hey, you were the one
who was scared.

1043
00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:32,402
I'm fine going back
to my apartment.

1044
00:43:32,444 --> 00:43:34,404
Uh-uh.

1045
00:43:34,446 --> 00:43:36,489
If you are shy, timid and meek,

1046
00:43:36,531 --> 00:43:38,533
you shouldn't be too worried
about it

1047
00:43:38,575 --> 00:43:40,410
because the meek
will inherit the earth.

1048
00:43:40,452 --> 00:43:42,495
They wouldn't have the nerve
to refuse it.

1049
00:43:42,537 --> 00:43:44,331
Oh, come on.

1050
00:43:44,372 --> 00:43:45,707
What's your problem?

1051
00:43:45,749 --> 00:43:47,584
I have mustard on my dress.

1052
00:43:47,625 --> 00:43:49,377
Oh, yeah, right on your tit.

1053
00:43:49,419 --> 00:43:51,129
It's not working.

1054
00:43:51,171 --> 00:43:52,797
Of course not.
That's tequila.

1055
00:43:52,839 --> 00:43:54,549
- Try gin.
- Look at me.

1056
00:43:54,591 --> 00:43:57,177
Look at my dress.
It's all wrinkled and stained.

1057
00:43:57,218 --> 00:43:59,137
I told you
I shouldn't sit down.

1058
00:43:59,179 --> 00:44:01,639
- I didn't tell you to sit down.
- You motioned.

1059
00:44:01,681 --> 00:44:04,351
I'm drunk. I was probably
grabbing the air for balance.

1060
00:44:04,392 --> 00:44:06,478
How am I going
to go up there like this?

1061
00:44:06,519 --> 00:44:08,355
Oh, don't worry.
This guy's never getting off.

1062
00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:10,607
I'm wrinkled, I'm stained.

1063
00:44:10,648 --> 00:44:12,859
- Plus...
- Plus what?

1064
00:44:12,901 --> 00:44:16,237
Well...
you're a little pungent.

1065
00:44:16,279 --> 00:44:17,906
I am not pungent.

1066
00:44:17,947 --> 00:44:19,991
I am downwind.
I kind of know.

1067
00:44:20,033 --> 00:44:21,701
Never. Never.

1068
00:44:21,743 --> 00:44:23,578
I have never
in my life been...

1069
00:44:23,620 --> 00:44:25,163
What is that?

1070
00:44:25,205 --> 00:44:27,040
- That's you.
- It's...

1071
00:44:27,082 --> 00:44:31,044
No, that's...

1072
00:44:31,086 --> 00:44:32,587
Well, what do you expect?

1073
00:44:32,629 --> 00:44:34,631
I sweat a little
before I go on,

1074
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:36,716
which has happened four times
so far tonight.

1075
00:44:36,758 --> 00:44:39,969
Well, folks, I don't want you
to get excited or panicky,

1076
00:44:40,011 --> 00:44:42,013
but I just finished.

1077
00:44:42,055 --> 00:44:43,681
How about a hand for the suit?

1078
00:44:43,723 --> 00:44:45,725
Hey, he's done.
Get ready.

1079
00:44:45,767 --> 00:44:48,269
Shit, shit, shit, shit.

1080
00:44:49,729 --> 00:44:53,191
The master,
ladies and gentlemen.

1081
00:44:56,820 --> 00:44:58,571
Who could possibly
follow him, huh?

1082
00:44:58,613 --> 00:45:00,156
Well, you're about to find out.

1083
00:45:00,198 --> 00:45:01,908
They're leaving.

1084
00:45:01,950 --> 00:45:03,868
- They smelled me.
- Just get up there.

1085
00:45:03,910 --> 00:45:06,037
Hey, where you going?
Sit down. Sit back down.

1086
00:45:06,079 --> 00:45:08,498
Hey, the best is yet to come.
The show is not over.

1087
00:45:08,540 --> 00:45:10,267
- Sit your ass back down!
- Ladies and gentlemen,

1088
00:45:10,291 --> 00:45:12,627
welcome an adorable lady who,

1089
00:45:12,669 --> 00:45:15,922
if she can't make you laugh,
can at least make you dinner.

1090
00:45:15,964 --> 00:45:18,007
Mrs. My-zell.

1091
00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:19,801
Maisel, asshole. Maisel!

1092
00:45:19,843 --> 00:45:22,220
- Tits up.
- Arms down.

1093
00:45:28,226 --> 00:45:30,478
- Hey, where's the light?
- The light guy left.

1094
00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:32,981
What the fuck?
She needs a spot.

1095
00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:34,691
Uh, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

1096
00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:37,694
I'm Mrs. Maisel.

1097
00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:39,112
Follow my voice!

1098
00:45:40,572 --> 00:45:42,532
Uh, it's-it's so nice
to be here.

1099
00:45:42,574 --> 00:45:44,117
It's nice of you to stay.

1100
00:45:44,159 --> 00:45:48,413
I was supposed
to go on earlier, a lot earlier,

1101
00:45:48,455 --> 00:45:50,457
- before I looked like this.
- Yeah.

1102
00:45:50,498 --> 00:45:53,710
Anyone have a comb?

1103
00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:55,462
Women would get that

1104
00:45:55,503 --> 00:45:58,548
because there's-there's no way
a comb could fix this.

1105
00:45:58,590 --> 00:46:00,383
A bomb would help.

1106
00:46:00,425 --> 00:46:02,635
Group blindness would
work wonders.

1107
00:46:02,677 --> 00:46:05,138
Anyhow, it wasn't
that great a joke.

1108
00:46:05,180 --> 00:46:06,723
Or even a joke.

1109
00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:08,808
Uh, an amusing observation,
perhaps.

1110
00:46:08,850 --> 00:46:10,727
A wry comment, if you will.

1111
00:46:10,768 --> 00:46:14,689
I'm sorry.
I feel so unfocused right now.

1112
00:46:14,731 --> 00:46:16,733
I was really
in the pocket earlier,

1113
00:46:16,774 --> 00:46:19,152
ready, fresh.

1114
00:46:19,194 --> 00:46:21,321
Then I had a drink, and...

1115
00:46:21,362 --> 00:46:23,698
This is mustard.

1116
00:46:23,740 --> 00:46:25,825
Here.

1117
00:46:25,867 --> 00:46:31,414
As big a mess as my dress
is now, my life is worse.

1118
00:46:31,456 --> 00:46:33,166
It's changing so fast.

1119
00:46:33,208 --> 00:46:35,335
I was married,
I'm not married.

1120
00:46:35,376 --> 00:46:37,438
I'm going to have to live alone
with my two children.

1121
00:46:37,462 --> 00:46:39,088
It's all going to be up to me

1122
00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:42,759
to take care of them,
of myself, of the toilet.

1123
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:45,303
So many goals I had
as a young woman.

1124
00:46:45,345 --> 00:46:47,347
Plunging was never one of 'em.

1125
00:46:47,388 --> 00:46:50,517
I don't want my own apartment.

1126
00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:56,022
Thanks, pal.

1127
00:46:56,064 --> 00:46:59,192
I don't want my own apartment.

1128
00:46:59,234 --> 00:47:03,863
I-I don't feel ready, mentally,
to have my own keys,

1129
00:47:03,905 --> 00:47:06,991
my own plumbing,
my own angry Ukrainian super.

1130
00:47:07,033 --> 00:47:09,786
I don't feel prepared

1131
00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:12,664
to take on that kind
of responsibility alone.

1132
00:47:12,705 --> 00:47:17,335
The only thing I feel prepared
to take on, right now,

1133
00:47:17,377 --> 00:47:19,879
at this very minute,

1134
00:47:19,921 --> 00:47:22,257
is those fucking losers
at the bar.

1135
00:47:22,298 --> 00:47:24,968
I mean, look at them.

1136
00:47:25,009 --> 00:47:28,179
The "before" picture
in a Charles Atlas

1137
00:47:28,221 --> 00:47:30,807
male virility enhancement ad,

1138
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:34,227
just standing there,
waiting for me to bomb.

1139
00:47:34,269 --> 00:47:36,104
It's midnight on a Tuesday

1140
00:47:36,145 --> 00:47:37,689
and the highlight
of their evening

1141
00:47:37,730 --> 00:47:40,358
is the possibility
of seeing a chick fail.

1142
00:47:41,818 --> 00:47:44,696
Am I supposed to find them
intimidating?

1143
00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:47,073
'Cause-'cause all I see
is a lineup of men

1144
00:47:47,115 --> 00:47:49,742
who had to go into comedy
just to get laid.

1145
00:47:49,784 --> 00:47:51,744
Seriously.

1146
00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:54,706
We know that if, say,
Eugene over there,

1147
00:47:54,747 --> 00:47:58,376
came up to you at a bar
in his big-boy suit,

1148
00:47:58,418 --> 00:48:00,587
with his tiny baby hands,

1149
00:48:00,628 --> 00:48:02,589
and no opening line
pre-written for him,

1150
00:48:02,630 --> 00:48:04,007
he'd be sent crawling home alone

1151
00:48:04,048 --> 00:48:07,135
to whack off in his onesie.

1152
00:48:07,176 --> 00:48:08,803
And Stan...

1153
00:48:08,845 --> 00:48:12,098
- Ooh!
- ...who has a voice that bored a thousand ships

1154
00:48:12,140 --> 00:48:13,600
into sinking themselves.

1155
00:48:13,641 --> 00:48:15,727
If he couldn't say
to some unwitting female,

1156
00:48:15,768 --> 00:48:18,521
"I got a gig downtown
in an hour," he'd have to say,

1157
00:48:18,563 --> 00:48:20,481
"My mother should be
asleep by now."

1158
00:48:20,523 --> 00:48:24,152
All comics are comics

1159
00:48:24,193 --> 00:48:26,130
'cause something in their lives
went horribly wrong.

1160
00:48:26,154 --> 00:48:27,822
Something went to shit.

1161
00:48:27,864 --> 00:48:30,408
Either their hairline, Eugene.

1162
00:48:30,450 --> 00:48:34,037
Or their personal lives. Me.
And Stan.

1163
00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:36,831
I-I don't even need to know the
details, but looking at Stan,

1164
00:48:36,873 --> 00:48:38,291
you just want to apologize

1165
00:48:38,333 --> 00:48:40,710
and tell him everything's
gonna be okay,

1166
00:48:40,752 --> 00:48:43,421
which it won't...
'cause it's Stan.

1167
00:48:43,463 --> 00:48:47,216
But men,
those over there, and men in general,

1168
00:48:47,258 --> 00:48:50,053
think that they are the
only ones who get to use comedy

1169
00:48:50,094 --> 00:48:52,847
to close up those holes
in their soul.

1170
00:48:52,889 --> 00:48:55,308
They run around telling everyone
that women aren't funny,

1171
00:48:55,350 --> 00:48:57,935
only men are funny.

1172
00:48:57,977 --> 00:49:01,022
Sorry. Give me a minute.
God, this thing is heavy.

1173
00:49:01,064 --> 00:49:04,359
- Okay, go ahead.
- Now, think about this.

1174
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:09,155
Comedy is fueled by oppression,

1175
00:49:09,197 --> 00:49:12,867
by the lack of power,

1176
00:49:12,909 --> 00:49:16,245
by sadness and disappointment,

1177
00:49:16,287 --> 00:49:18,581
by abandonment

1178
00:49:18,623 --> 00:49:21,417
and humiliation.

1179
00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:24,462
Now, who the hell does that
describe more than women?

1180
00:49:24,504 --> 00:49:26,422
Judging by those standards,

1181
00:49:26,464 --> 00:49:29,550
only women should be funny.
And Stan.

1182
00:49:34,806 --> 00:49:37,100
Speaking of things that
women and Stan have in common,

1183
00:49:37,141 --> 00:49:38,476
have you heard this term

1184
00:49:38,518 --> 00:49:41,354
"child bearing hips"?

1185
00:49:41,396 --> 00:49:42,980
You've been a great audience,
everyone.

1186
00:49:43,022 --> 00:49:46,859
I'm Mrs. Maisel.
Thank you. Good night.

1187
00:49:46,901 --> 00:49:48,986
On the way out,
everyone give the boys a hug.

1188
00:49:49,028 --> 00:49:52,615
Or better yet,
some fresh material.

1189
00:49:52,657 --> 00:49:55,076
Thank you.

1190
00:49:57,870 --> 00:49:59,831
- Thank you.
- Shit, lady!

1191
00:49:59,872 --> 00:50:01,541
You should stink more often.

1192
00:50:01,582 --> 00:50:03,042
What the hell was that?

1193
00:50:03,084 --> 00:50:05,545
Those are two of my best comics
you shit all over tonight.

1194
00:50:05,586 --> 00:50:06,963
Well, they started it.

1195
00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:08,840
How am I supposed
to get them back here

1196
00:50:08,881 --> 00:50:10,943
after I let some snot-nosed
chick-comic take them down

1197
00:50:10,967 --> 00:50:12,593
in front of a room
full of people?

1198
00:50:12,635 --> 00:50:14,905
- It wasn't really full.
- A lot of them had left already.

1199
00:50:14,929 --> 00:50:17,056
Doesn't matter!
You don't come into my club

1200
00:50:17,098 --> 00:50:18,933
and talk like that
to my best earners.

1201
00:50:18,975 --> 00:50:20,393
People come in
to see those guys.

1202
00:50:20,435 --> 00:50:21,853
Nobody comes in to see you

1203
00:50:21,894 --> 00:50:23,855
'cause nobody knows
who the fuck you are!

1204
00:50:23,896 --> 00:50:25,898
Now here, take your money
and get out of here

1205
00:50:25,940 --> 00:50:28,276
before I decide never
to book you in this place again.

1206
00:50:31,654 --> 00:50:35,283
- Our first gig!
- Yeah!

1207
00:50:47,211 --> 00:50:49,005
<i>♪ Where has the time all gone? ♪</i>

1208
00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:50,673
- Santé.
- Santé.

1209
00:50:53,801 --> 00:50:57,722
Okay, boys, and the
last round is on me.

1210
00:51:06,522 --> 00:51:08,900
<i>♪ We'll catch up ♪</i>

1211
00:51:08,941 --> 00:51:11,819
<i>♪ Some other time ♪</i>

1212
00:51:20,995 --> 00:51:24,665
<i>♪ Just when the fun
is starting ♪</i>

1213
00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:32,924
<i>♪ Comes the time
for parting... ♪</i>

1214
00:51:37,053 --> 00:51:40,181
- ♪</i> But let's be glad... ♪</i>
- All set.

1215
00:51:40,223 --> 00:51:42,225
Oh, monsieur Weissman.

1216
00:51:50,233 --> 00:51:52,360
Good-bye, Marie. Au revoir.

1217
00:51:54,779 --> 00:51:55,780
Uh-huh.

1218
00:51:58,908 --> 00:52:01,327
I appreciated the extra towels.

1219
00:52:02,912 --> 00:52:05,915
<i>♪ Still to be done ♪</i>

1220
00:52:05,957 --> 00:52:09,794
<i>♪ But time is racing ♪</i>

1221
00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:15,550
<i>♪ Oh, well ♪</i>

1222
00:52:15,591 --> 00:52:18,219
<i>♪ We'll catch up ♪</i>

1223
00:52:18,261 --> 00:52:21,138
<i>♪ Some other time... ♪</i>

1224
00:52:21,180 --> 00:52:23,641
Au revoir, Rose!

1225
00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:31,357
Bye-bye.

1226
00:52:31,399 --> 00:52:33,150
Bye-bye.

1227
00:52:33,192 --> 00:52:36,571
- ♪</i> We'll catch up ♪</i>
- Bye-bye.

1228
00:52:36,612 --> 00:52:40,658
<i>♪ Some other ♪</i>

1229
00:52:40,700 --> 00:52:44,120
<i>♪ Time. ♪</i>

1230
00:52:47,331 --> 00:52:49,417
Zelda, the dean of admissions

1231
00:52:49,458 --> 00:52:50,918
will be coming
for dinner tonight.

1232
00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:52,503
He heard about
our trip to France

1233
00:52:52,545 --> 00:52:54,130
and wants to have
something French.

1234
00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:56,007
- What can you make that's French?
- Nothing.

1235
00:52:56,048 --> 00:52:58,301
What can you make that
we can say is French, isn't,

1236
00:52:58,342 --> 00:52:59,719
- but he'll never know?
- Goulash.

1237
00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:01,971
Perfect.

1238
00:53:02,013 --> 00:53:03,931
I'm done.

1239
00:53:03,973 --> 00:53:05,892
He ate his breakfast.
How did that happen?

1240
00:53:05,933 --> 00:53:07,435
I put chocolate chips
in his eggs.

1241
00:53:07,476 --> 00:53:09,520
You're a genius. It's nice
to have you home, Mama.

1242
00:53:09,562 --> 00:53:11,856
Miriam, will you be home
for dinner?

1243
00:53:11,898 --> 00:53:13,333
We're having authentic
French goulash.

1244
00:53:13,357 --> 00:53:14,692
I'm pulling
a double shift today.

1245
00:53:14,734 --> 00:53:17,320
Well, we haven't seen
much of you since we got back.

1246
00:53:17,361 --> 00:53:19,339
Never heard what you were up to
while we were gone.

1247
00:53:19,363 --> 00:53:23,034
I have five to eight minutes.
Want to give me the highlights?

1248
00:53:23,075 --> 00:53:26,954
Well, I just...

1249
00:53:26,996 --> 00:53:29,582
hung out. I hung out.

1250
00:53:29,624 --> 00:53:33,085
Okay. Good talk.
I'll be home at 6:00.

1251
00:53:35,171 --> 00:53:36,631
See you later, Mama.

1252
00:53:38,633 --> 00:53:41,469
- So, you'll meet me at 10:00?
- Meet you where?

1253
00:53:41,510 --> 00:53:43,471
- My office.
- At Columbia?

1254
00:53:43,512 --> 00:53:46,557
Of course. We had this
discussion, don't you remember?

1255
00:53:46,599 --> 00:53:48,184
I have absolutely
no memory of this.

1256
00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:51,312
They don't let women
audit the art history classes

1257
00:53:51,354 --> 00:53:52,730
unless they're grad students.

1258
00:53:52,772 --> 00:53:54,652
However, I talked to
the head of the department,

1259
00:53:54,690 --> 00:53:56,317
and he said he would
make an exception

1260
00:53:56,359 --> 00:53:58,319
but wanted to know what classes.

1261
00:53:58,361 --> 00:54:00,237
What classes what?

1262
00:54:00,279 --> 00:54:01,381
What classes you
wanted to audit.

1263
00:54:01,405 --> 00:54:02,740
For God's sake, keep up, woman.

1264
00:54:02,782 --> 00:54:06,452
- Are you serious?
- I told him we'd come by at 10:15.

1265
00:54:06,494 --> 00:54:08,329
His office is
right next to mine,

1266
00:54:08,371 --> 00:54:11,040
but I was taking into account
your slow pace in those heels.

1267
00:54:11,082 --> 00:54:13,250
So, yes?

1268
00:54:13,292 --> 00:54:14,418
- Yes.
- Good.

1269
00:54:14,460 --> 00:54:17,922
See you then.

1270
00:54:17,964 --> 00:54:21,258
Oh, and I signed us up for
dance classes, Arthur Murray.

1271
00:54:21,300 --> 00:54:23,761
We can't be caught out again
like that night on the Seine.

1272
00:54:23,803 --> 00:54:26,806
I mean, we were adorable,
but our technique was terrible.

1273
00:54:30,226 --> 00:54:34,063
Zelda, we're gonna serve
coq au vin tonight. I'll help.

1274
00:54:34,105 --> 00:54:37,066
What? What did you say?
Did you say you'll help?

1275
00:54:37,108 --> 00:54:39,068
Help me cook?
Are you feeling all right?

1276
00:54:39,110 --> 00:54:40,528
Should I call a doctor?

1277
00:54:49,912 --> 00:54:51,872
<i>♪ The butcher, the baker ♪</i>

1278
00:54:51,914 --> 00:54:56,669
<i>♪ The grocer, the clerk
are secretly ♪</i>

1279
00:54:56,711 --> 00:55:01,549
<i>♪ Unhappy men because ♪</i>

1280
00:55:01,590 --> 00:55:04,385
<i>♪ The butcher, the baker ♪</i>

1281
00:55:04,427 --> 00:55:06,804
<i>♪ The grocer, the clerk ♪</i>

1282
00:55:06,846 --> 00:55:09,265
<i>♪ Get paid for what they do ♪</i>

1283
00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:12,852
<i>♪ But no applause ♪</i>

1284
00:55:12,893 --> 00:55:15,980
<i>♪ They'd gladly bid
their dreary jobs ♪</i>

1285
00:55:16,022 --> 00:55:18,816
<i>♪ Good-bye ♪</i>

1286
00:55:18,858 --> 00:55:22,236
<i>♪ For anything theatrical ♪</i>

1287
00:55:22,278 --> 00:55:24,822
<i>♪ And why? ♪</i>

1288
00:55:24,864 --> 00:55:27,199
Fuck.

1289
00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:32,079
<i>♪ There's no business
like show business ♪</i>

1290
00:55:32,121 --> 00:55:34,957
<i>♪ Like no business ♪</i>

1291
00:55:34,999 --> 00:55:38,085
<i>♪ I know ♪</i>

1292
00:55:38,127 --> 00:55:40,755
<i>♪ Everything about it ♪</i>

1293
00:55:40,796 --> 00:55:43,883
<i>♪ Is appealing ♪</i>

1294
00:55:43,924 --> 00:55:46,302
<i>♪ Everything that traffic ♪</i>

1295
00:55:46,343 --> 00:55:49,388
<i>♪ Will allow ♪</i>

1296
00:55:49,430 --> 00:55:54,310
<i>♪ Nowhere could you get
that happy feeling ♪</i>

1297
00:55:54,351 --> 00:55:57,063
<i>♪ When you are stealing ♪</i>

1298
00:55:57,104 --> 00:56:00,107
<i>♪ That extra bow ♪</i>

1299
00:56:00,149 --> 00:56:03,152
<i>♪ There's no people ♪</i>

1300
00:56:03,194 --> 00:56:06,030
<i>♪ Like show people ♪</i>

1301
00:56:06,072 --> 00:56:07,990
<i>♪ They smile ♪</i>

1302
00:56:08,032 --> 00:56:12,036
<i>♪ When they are low ♪</i>

1303
00:56:12,078 --> 00:56:14,371
<i>♪ Even when they tell you ♪</i>

1304
00:56:14,413 --> 00:56:17,374
<i>♪ That your show will fold ♪</i>

1305
00:56:17,416 --> 00:56:20,211
<i>♪ You may be stranded ♪</i>

1306
00:56:20,252 --> 00:56:23,339
<i>♪ Out in the cold ♪</i>

1307
00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,758
<i>♪ Still you wouldn't change it ♪</i>

1308
00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:28,469
<i>♪ For a sack of gold ♪</i>

1309
00:56:28,511 --> 00:56:33,474
<i>♪ Let's go on with the show ♪</i>

1310
00:56:41,398 --> 00:56:44,902
<i>♪ There's no people ♪</i>

1311
00:56:44,944 --> 00:56:47,780
<i>♪ Like show people ♪</i>

1312
00:56:47,822 --> 00:56:50,366
<i>♪ They smile when ♪</i>

1313
00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:53,994
<i>♪ They are low ♪</i>

1314
00:56:54,036 --> 00:56:56,330
<i>♪ Yesterday they told you ♪</i>

1315
00:56:56,372 --> 00:56:59,416
<i>♪ You would not go far ♪</i>

1316
00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:02,211
<i>♪ That night you open ♪</i>

1317
00:57:02,253 --> 00:57:05,256
<i>♪ And there you are ♪</i>

1318
00:57:05,297 --> 00:57:08,008
<i>♪ Next day on your
dressing room ♪</i>

1319
00:57:08,050 --> 00:57:10,845
<i>♪ They've hung a star ♪</i>

1320
00:57:10,886 --> 00:57:13,139
<i>♪ Let's go on ♪</i>

1321
00:57:13,180 --> 00:57:15,808
<i>♪ With the show. ♪</i>