1
00:00:08,639 --> 00:00:10,639
When are you guys
gonna be finished?

2
00:00:10,641 --> 00:00:13,341
We wanna use the table.

3
00:00:13,344 --> 00:00:18,324
Zuri, chess is a noble game
of strategy and patience.

4
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:22,089
We could be here for hours,
days, even weeks.

5
00:00:22,093 --> 00:00:23,693
Ugh! I'm out.

6
00:00:25,596 --> 00:00:28,656
Finally! You know,
you could have
won five minutes ago.

7
00:00:28,659 --> 00:00:30,529
And what makes you
say that?

8
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:33,031
If you would've moved
your horsey to that space,

9
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,213
he would've
had to move
his castle here,

10
00:00:35,206 --> 00:00:38,306
which would've left him open
for one royal butt-whoopin'.

11
00:00:38,309 --> 00:00:41,539
Dear Gods,
you are correct!

12
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,652
Whoa. Zuri,
how do you know
so much about chess?

13
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:46,045
I dunno.

14
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,116
I just picked it up while
I was waiting for you.

15
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:51,520
What?
Like it's hard?

16
00:00:51,522 --> 00:00:55,592
Well then, perhaps you might
care to test your luck
against a master.

17
00:00:57,188 --> 00:00:58,558
Or I could play you.

18
00:01:00,691 --> 00:01:04,201
What I do not get is
how you were able
to think so far ahead.

19
00:01:04,195 --> 00:01:07,535
It's easy. Like when
I want to stay up
past my bedtime.

20
00:01:07,538 --> 00:01:10,698
At breakfast,
I tell Jessie she's
the best nanny ever,

21
00:01:10,701 --> 00:01:13,741
then I give her
some lame gift
I made in art class,

22
00:01:13,744 --> 00:01:17,584
and bam! I'm up late
watching TV.

23
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:22,078
Hey, I thought you made me
that dream catcher
because you love me.

24
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,592
I do.
I also love
Charlie Rose.

25
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,187
What do you say
when you win?

26
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:29,719
Well, if you were to win,

27
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:31,690
(SCOFFS) which is unlikely,

28
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,302
you would say,
"Checkmate."

29
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:36,395
That's lame.
I'm going with,

30
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,627
"You lose, sucka!"

31
00:01:41,732 --> 00:01:43,332
You gotta admit,
that is catchier.

32
00:01:44,675 --> 00:01:47,675
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh

33
00:01:47,678 --> 00:01:51,178
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

34
00:01:51,182 --> 00:01:54,622
♪ It feels like a party
every day

35
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:58,515
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

36
00:01:58,519 --> 00:02:02,189
♪ But they keep on pulling
me every which way

37
00:02:02,193 --> 00:02:05,333
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

38
00:02:05,326 --> 00:02:08,796
♪ My whole world is changing
Turning around

39
00:02:08,799 --> 00:02:12,829
♪ They got me going crazy
Yeah, they're shaking
the ground

40
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:16,543
♪ But they took a chance
on the new girl in town

41
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:19,667
♪ And I don't want to let them
down, down, down

42
00:02:19,670 --> 00:02:21,240
♪ Hey Jessie

43
00:02:23,414 --> 00:02:24,784
♪ Hey Jessie

44
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:30,617
♪ It feels like a party
every day

45
00:02:30,621 --> 00:02:34,561
♪ Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, Jessie ♪

46
00:02:38,789 --> 00:02:40,629
MAN ON TV:
Twenty-five years ago,

47
00:02:40,631 --> 00:02:42,891
this man stole
a priceless diamond
necklace from a yacht,

48
00:02:42,893 --> 00:02:45,703
then escaped using
scuba gear.

49
00:02:45,696 --> 00:02:47,866
Diamonds?
(GIGGLING)

50
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:50,438
Please! Everyone
knows you should
wear pearls

51
00:02:50,441 --> 00:02:52,901
when you're
on the water.

52
00:02:52,903 --> 00:02:55,483
And there's Emma's
useless tip of the day.

53
00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:00,878
MAN ON TV: Police believe
the Scuba Bandit
then went into hiding.

54
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,251
Here is a computer
rendering

55
00:03:02,253 --> 00:03:03,783
of what he would
look like today.

56
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:06,724
Hey. That picture
kind of reminds me of...

57
00:03:06,717 --> 00:03:09,317
Here is what
investigators believe
he would look like

58
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:10,760
if he spent the
last 25 years

59
00:03:10,761 --> 00:03:12,861
complaining all the time
and eating cheese.

60
00:03:14,365 --> 00:03:17,825
(GASPS) Bertram!
He's the Scuba Bandit!

61
00:03:17,828 --> 00:03:20,498
That picture
looks just like him.

62
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:23,731
So does a walrus.
That doesn't mean
he's a master criminal.

63
00:03:26,877 --> 00:03:30,837
Bertram,
totally random question.

64
00:03:30,841 --> 00:03:33,611
Where were you on the night
of August 12, 1987?

65
00:03:35,446 --> 00:03:37,386
Well, you kids
weren't born yet,

66
00:03:37,388 --> 00:03:39,848
so I was probably
someplace being happy.

67
00:03:41,552 --> 00:03:44,862
I was just curious
what you did before
you came to work for us.

68
00:03:44,855 --> 00:03:45,895
I'll tell you one thing.

69
00:03:45,896 --> 00:03:47,826
I had a lot less
acid reflux.

70
00:03:51,862 --> 00:03:53,802
Luke,
did you hear that?

71
00:03:53,804 --> 00:03:55,544
He was ducking
my questions!

72
00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:57,636
That proves Bertram
is the Scuba Bandit!

73
00:03:57,968 --> 00:03:59,768
Why?

74
00:03:59,770 --> 00:04:01,670
Just because
he can't remember
what he was doing

75
00:04:01,672 --> 00:04:03,712
on some random day
25 years ago?

76
00:04:03,714 --> 00:04:05,884
You're being stupid.

77
00:04:05,876 --> 00:04:09,246
Said the boy
who thought eggplants
came from planting eggs.

78
00:04:15,526 --> 00:04:18,726
Man, what is up
with the nerd herd
in the park today?

79
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,930
Hmm.

80
00:04:21,932 --> 00:04:23,962
They are signing up
for the Central Park
Chess Tournament.

81
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:27,274
The prize is two
first-class tickets
to Paris.

82
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:30,397
Paris? That's the most
romantic city in the world!

83
00:04:30,401 --> 00:04:31,941
It's always been
my dream to go there.

84
00:04:31,942 --> 00:04:33,772
(SHUSHING)

85
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,984
(FRENCH ACCENT)
I am trying to concentrate.

86
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:39,646
Now, make like a mime
and shut your pie hole!

87
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:45,691
Well, on behalf
of me and mimes
everywhere...

88
00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:49,616
You know what, Jessie?
I'm going to win
that trip for you.

89
00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:50,920
You deserve a vacation.

90
00:04:50,921 --> 00:04:53,791
And I deserve
a nice break from school.

91
00:04:54,765 --> 00:04:56,825
That is Clement Brulee.

92
00:04:56,827 --> 00:04:58,827
He is the best player
in Central Park.

93
00:04:58,829 --> 00:05:02,299
Zuri does not
stand a chance
against him.

94
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,542
I think the girl
with the loud hair

95
00:05:04,535 --> 00:05:08,905
would do well to listen
to the boy in the loud shirt.
(SCOFFS CONDESCENDINGLY)

96
00:05:10,881 --> 00:05:12,011
Oh, yeah?

97
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:13,742
Well, my Zuri's
going to enter,

98
00:05:13,744 --> 00:05:15,694
and she's going to beat
the baguette out of you!

99
00:05:15,686 --> 00:05:17,516
You bet your beret I am!

100
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,048
Mmm. That's right.

101
00:05:19,049 --> 00:05:21,889
She's going to practice
every single second until
that competition.

102
00:05:21,892 --> 00:05:23,392
I am?

103
00:05:23,394 --> 00:05:25,404
But tonight Charlie Rose
is interviewing

104
00:05:25,396 --> 00:05:28,056
the head
of the International
Monetary Fund!

105
00:05:28,058 --> 00:05:29,628
TV rots your brain.

106
00:05:33,404 --> 00:05:34,814
Emma, this is crazy.

107
00:05:34,805 --> 00:05:36,865
If Bertram's
the Scuba Bandit,

108
00:05:36,867 --> 00:05:38,967
I'll kiss Mrs. Kipling.

109
00:05:42,112 --> 00:05:44,882
(SOFTLY) Better pucker up
and get some breath spray.

110
00:05:45,816 --> 00:05:47,376
Bertram!
Oh!

111
00:05:47,378 --> 00:05:49,078
What are you doing?

112
00:05:49,079 --> 00:05:51,519
This is how
I always clean Luke's room.

113
00:05:51,522 --> 00:05:53,022
The air is dangerous.

114
00:05:53,023 --> 00:05:56,133
Last time I went
in there unprotected,
I woke up three days later,

115
00:05:56,126 --> 00:05:58,556
and I could hear colors.

116
00:05:58,559 --> 00:05:59,959
Wait, that's
not normal?

117
00:06:01,892 --> 00:06:02,992
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

118
00:06:05,896 --> 00:06:09,366
I can't believe it,
but you might be right!

119
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,369
I also can't believe
my first kiss is gonna be
with a reptile.

120
00:06:13,844 --> 00:06:14,954
I can.

121
00:06:21,752 --> 00:06:25,622
Guys, Bertram
is way too lazy
to be a jewel thief!

122
00:06:25,616 --> 00:06:26,886
He does so little work
around here,

123
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:30,087
the only thing
he's guilty of stealing
is a paycheck.

124
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:33,890
Oh, yeah? What do you
think about this?

125
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,774
Well, it doesn't really
go with what you're
wearing, but...

126
00:06:35,766 --> 00:06:37,996
No!

127
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,628
I found it
in Bertram's room,

128
00:06:39,630 --> 00:06:40,930
behind his collection
of onions

129
00:06:40,931 --> 00:06:42,701
that look like
The Three Tenors.
I don't...

130
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:47,705
Jessie, you have
to call the fuzz right now

131
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:50,608
and tell 'em
we just blew
the lid clean off this caper!

132
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:53,741
Hold it, Mugsy.
Just because Bertram
had that necklace in his room

133
00:06:53,744 --> 00:06:55,724
doesn't mean
he's a criminal.

134
00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:56,886
The man could
just like his bling.

135
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,948
Well, here's more proof.

136
00:06:59,950 --> 00:07:02,020
Look what I found online.

137
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,862
"When the Scuba Bandit
dove off the yacht
with the jewels,

138
00:07:04,855 --> 00:07:06,995
"a passenger spotted
a heart-shaped birthmark

139
00:07:06,997 --> 00:07:08,957
"on the bottom
of his right foot."

140
00:07:08,959 --> 00:07:10,799
Okay, so?

141
00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:13,801
So, all we have to do
is trick Bertram
into removing his shoes

142
00:07:13,804 --> 00:07:16,044
and see if he has
the same birthmark.

143
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,166
Are you with us?

144
00:07:17,167 --> 00:07:18,967
(SCOFFS) Not a chance.

145
00:07:18,969 --> 00:07:20,939
A world where
I look at Bertram's feet
on purpose

146
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,811
is a world
I don't want to live in.

147
00:07:26,977 --> 00:07:29,547
Ravi, I have
some exciting
chess news!

148
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:33,780
Ha! There's one sentence
that's never been
spoken before.

149
00:07:33,784 --> 00:07:35,764
I spoke to
the Central Park
Chess Committee

150
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:37,726
and got you a job
as the emcee
of the tournament!

151
00:07:37,728 --> 00:07:40,788
(SQUEALS) Really?
That is amazing, Jessie!
Thank you!

152
00:07:40,791 --> 00:07:42,131
(LAUGHS)

153
00:07:42,132 --> 00:07:43,962
And they'll be
broadcasting
over the Internet

154
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:46,004
to literally dozens
of people!

155
00:07:45,996 --> 00:07:47,896
(GASPS)

156
00:07:47,898 --> 00:07:50,998
How did you convince them
that I was the right man
for the job?

157
00:07:51,001 --> 00:07:54,881
Oh, it was easy.
Apparently, you really appeal
to their target demographic.

158
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:57,105
Smart and sophisticated?

159
00:07:57,107 --> 00:07:58,977
Young and nerdy.

160
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,149
Right now the average age
of most of their fans is...

161
00:08:01,151 --> 00:08:02,711
Well, dead.

162
00:08:07,958 --> 00:08:11,188
Now's our chance
to find out for sure if
Bertram is the Scuba Bandit.

163
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,091
We just have
to be subtle.

164
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,803
Got it.

165
00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:15,965
(ROARING) Charge!

166
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:17,667
(EXCLAIMING)

167
00:08:20,030 --> 00:08:22,100
Unhand my foot!

168
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:25,612
Luke! If I've told you once,
I've told you
a thousand times.

169
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,206
Tackle the Butler
is an outdoor game!

170
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,708
Aha!

171
00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:32,010
Jessie, look!
Can you believe it?

172
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,012
Believe what?
Bertram has so much
hair on his foot

173
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,124
he could be
a hobbit?

174
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,946
No! It's the heart-shaped
birthmark!

175
00:08:38,949 --> 00:08:40,949
Bertram is
the Scuba Bandit!

176
00:08:40,951 --> 00:08:43,251
What? No, I'm not!

177
00:08:43,253 --> 00:08:46,603
Then how do you explain
that mysterious birthmark
on your foot?

178
00:08:46,597 --> 00:08:48,697
That's not a birthmark.

179
00:08:48,699 --> 00:08:51,729
It's a scar from
stepping on a glass
that Luke broke

180
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:54,062
and never cleaned up!

181
00:08:54,064 --> 00:08:57,774
Huh. That does
sounds like me.

182
00:08:57,768 --> 00:09:00,138
Then what about
this priceless necklace
Luke found in your room?

183
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:03,040
That's a birthday present
for my mother!

184
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:07,053
And it's not priceless.
It's a knock-off I bought
from a guy on Canal Street,

185
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,017
Larry Winston.

186
00:09:09,019 --> 00:09:10,949
Ugh! I bought a bracelet
from him once,

187
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:12,051
it turned
my whole arm green.

188
00:09:13,924 --> 00:09:18,734
You kids need
to stay out of my room,
and out of my business!

189
00:09:18,729 --> 00:09:20,789
Can't you control
these hooligans?

190
00:09:20,791 --> 00:09:23,631
You are the world's
worst nanny!

191
00:09:23,634 --> 00:09:26,604
Okay, just because
it says that on the coffee mug
you got me for Christmas

192
00:09:26,597 --> 00:09:28,097
doesn't make it true!

193
00:09:30,701 --> 00:09:32,071
What's all this?

194
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:35,352
A special tea party
for Chubbs.

195
00:09:35,345 --> 00:09:37,745
I don't play with him
for 24 hours,

196
00:09:37,748 --> 00:09:41,278
and suddenly he thinks
I'm not invested
in our relationship.

197
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,213
But the chess tournament
is tomorrow.

198
00:09:44,214 --> 00:09:45,994
You should be practicing.

199
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,956
Jessie, I want to win
that trip to Paris for you,

200
00:09:48,959 --> 00:09:53,689
but I don't want
to spend all day playing
checkers' snobby cousin.

201
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:55,204
But think about
all the fun we'll have!

202
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,765
We'll see the Eiffel Tower,
and the Louvre,

203
00:09:57,768 --> 00:09:59,068
and the Eiffel Tower...

204
00:09:59,069 --> 00:10:00,069
You already said that.

205
00:10:00,070 --> 00:10:02,770
I don't know much
about Paris.

206
00:10:02,773 --> 00:10:04,843
But that's why I want to go!
So come practice!

207
00:10:05,335 --> 00:10:07,205
Sorry, Chubbs!

208
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:10,077
Now he's going
to withhold cuddling
until I apologize!

209
00:10:14,344 --> 00:10:16,224
EMMA: Why is it
so dark in here?

210
00:10:18,849 --> 00:10:20,619
(SCREAMING)

211
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:24,350
Bertram?
Don't you mean
the Scuba Bandit?

212
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,025
It was you!

213
00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:28,057
I told you!

214
00:10:29,660 --> 00:10:32,260
I always knew you kids'd
find me out eventually.

215
00:10:32,262 --> 00:10:34,262
I just thought it would be
one of the smart ones.

216
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,166
Hey!

217
00:10:38,168 --> 00:10:39,638
Actually,
that's fair.

218
00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:44,142
I started
my life of crime
when I was three.

219
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,884
Stole another kid's
pacifier,

220
00:10:45,876 --> 00:10:50,216
and became known
as the Binky Burglar.

221
00:10:50,220 --> 00:10:55,190
Now, if you kids
don't want to get arrested
for harboring a fugitive,

222
00:10:55,185 --> 00:10:58,055
you're going to help me
rob the jewelry store
across the street.

223
00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:00,058
Why do you need us?

224
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:02,190
Because my days of
crawling through tiny vents

225
00:11:02,192 --> 00:11:05,172
are 25 years
and 2,500 baby back ribs ago.

226
00:11:07,197 --> 00:11:09,797
But we've
never stolen anything
in our lives!

227
00:11:11,101 --> 00:11:13,301
I've never stolen
anything in my life!

228
00:11:16,106 --> 00:11:17,706
Don't worry,

229
00:11:17,708 --> 00:11:21,378
I'm gonna give you kids
a crash course in thievery.

230
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:25,361
Now, meet me tomorrow
in the living room,

231
00:11:26,216 --> 00:11:28,016
or else.

232
00:11:28,018 --> 00:11:32,118
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

233
00:11:32,122 --> 00:11:34,162
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMING)

234
00:11:34,164 --> 00:11:36,704
BERTRAM: And keep
your stuff off the stairs!

235
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:39,198
(MOANING)

236
00:11:43,974 --> 00:11:46,444
You, pawn!

237
00:11:46,436 --> 00:11:49,706
(SCOLDING) Why
aren't you practicing?

238
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,779
You must defeat
the evil king

239
00:11:51,782 --> 00:11:54,312
so your queen
can get to Paris.

240
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:56,154
I want to meet some
cute French guys!

241
00:11:57,447 --> 00:11:58,947
Ooh, la, la!

242
00:11:59,790 --> 00:12:01,050
Don't tell the bishop.

243
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:03,792
I'm sorry,
Your Highness,

244
00:12:03,794 --> 00:12:06,004
I was just playing
with Chubby the Bear.

245
00:12:05,996 --> 00:12:09,196
No! So long, Chubby!
Time to hibernate!

246
00:12:09,199 --> 00:12:11,199
No!

247
00:12:11,201 --> 00:12:13,331
I don't wanna
play chess anymore!

248
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,943
Stop her!

249
00:12:15,305 --> 00:12:16,735
Halt!

250
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:17,966
(MIMICS NEIGHING)

251
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:23,239
Get thee to your board
or it is off with your head!

252
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,483
No! Stop it! Please!

253
00:12:27,217 --> 00:12:28,517
I command you,

254
00:12:28,518 --> 00:12:30,978
show me your moves!

255
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:35,232
Not you two! Her!

256
00:12:38,288 --> 00:12:40,488
Is that the best
you can do?

257
00:12:40,490 --> 00:12:43,060
(SCREAMING)

258
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,204
Zuri, what is the matter?

259
00:12:46,196 --> 00:12:49,166
I just had a terrible
chess nightmare.

260
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,999
Jessie was dressed
as the queen

261
00:12:51,001 --> 00:12:53,141
and she was putting
all this pressure on me

262
00:12:53,143 --> 00:12:55,113
to win her
that trip to Paris.

263
00:12:55,105 --> 00:12:56,775
What do you think
that means?

264
00:12:58,548 --> 00:13:03,378
Well, a dream like that
can be interpreted
many different ways.

265
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,223
Really?
No!

266
00:13:07,257 --> 00:13:10,387
It is clear that Jessie
is freaking you out.

267
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:13,420
Perhaps
you should withdraw
from the tournament.

268
00:13:13,423 --> 00:13:15,873
But that trip
means so much to her.

269
00:13:15,866 --> 00:13:18,496
I can't let her down.
That's Luke's job.

270
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,201
Then all you can do
is try your best,

271
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,283
and let the pawns
fall where they may.

272
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:28,176
Yeah, I guess you're right.

273
00:13:28,178 --> 00:13:29,578
Thanks, Ravi.

274
00:13:29,579 --> 00:13:31,279
Night!
Night, Zuri.

275
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:35,323
(RAVI SCREAMING)

276
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,145
What's wrong?

277
00:13:37,147 --> 00:13:39,317
Every once in a while,
it slips my mind

278
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,389
that I have a giant,
man-eating lizard in my room.

279
00:13:48,298 --> 00:13:50,828
This is burglary
boot camp.

280
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:54,500
Your mission is to steal
that necklace on the terrace
in under one minute.

281
00:13:54,504 --> 00:13:56,544
Ready, set, go!
(TIMER BEEPS)

282
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,566
Take out the guard!
Ha-ya!

283
00:13:58,568 --> 00:13:59,968
(GROANS)

284
00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:01,510
Hey, watch it!

285
00:14:03,013 --> 00:14:05,623
Oh, no! Guard dogs!
Guard dogs!
Guard dogs!

286
00:14:06,977 --> 00:14:08,377
Quick, quick,
through the vents!

287
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,379
Okay, hurry,
through the laser grid!

288
00:14:11,381 --> 00:14:12,481
Go! Go!

289
00:14:15,485 --> 00:14:18,625
(ALARM BLARING)

290
00:14:18,628 --> 00:14:21,528
Time's up!
That was pathetic.

291
00:14:21,531 --> 00:14:24,291
You're not good
at school or crime?

292
00:14:24,294 --> 00:14:25,944
It's a good thing
you're rich.

293
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:34,370
Check it out!
I got us matching berets
for our trip to Paris!

294
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:38,984
After the tournament,
everyone will be wishing us,
"Bon fromage!"

295
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:42,079
Why would they wish us,
"Good cheese"?

296
00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:45,962
Whatever. I'll have plenty
of time to practice my French
on the way over there.

297
00:14:45,956 --> 00:14:48,356
What makes you
so sure about that?

298
00:14:48,358 --> 00:14:51,388
Well, it's a long flight
and I have this great
new translating app.

299
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,021
No, I meant about
the little one winning.

300
00:14:54,024 --> 00:14:57,134
You have a better chance of
making a "best dressed" list

301
00:14:57,127 --> 00:14:58,327
than she does
of beating me.

302
00:15:01,171 --> 00:15:05,181
Welcome to the Central Park
Chess Tournament!

303
00:15:05,175 --> 00:15:08,135
I am your handsome host,
Ravi K. Ross.

304
00:15:08,138 --> 00:15:13,378
I will be your guide through
this white-knuckled world
of sitting and thinking!

305
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:21,087
Ooh! Pawned him
like a gold watch!

306
00:15:23,453 --> 00:15:25,533
Zuri! Zuri! Zuri!

307
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:30,197
And you are done, son!

308
00:15:33,003 --> 00:15:38,943
Checkmate!

309
00:15:39,609 --> 00:15:41,109
Checkmate.

310
00:15:42,112 --> 00:15:44,472
Checkmate!
Ba-boosh!

311
00:15:44,474 --> 00:15:47,154
We have our finalists!

312
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:50,977
It is cantankerous
oldster Clem Brulee,

313
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:56,592
versus surprising
newcomer Zuri Ross!

314
00:15:58,388 --> 00:16:00,658
Whoo, Zuri! Yeah!

315
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,630
Wave time, people!

316
00:16:04,394 --> 00:16:05,604
(SIGHS) You guys
are no fun.

317
00:16:09,299 --> 00:16:10,299
(SNORTS)
(GASPS)

318
00:16:14,604 --> 00:16:15,684
Ah!
(BOTH SCREAM)

319
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,607
You guys know the hardest
thing about skydiving?

320
00:16:19,609 --> 00:16:21,049
(NERVOUSLY) What?

321
00:16:21,051 --> 00:16:22,211
The ground.

322
00:16:23,153 --> 00:16:25,593
(SNIGGERING)

323
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:27,685
We're really
gonna jump off
the building?

324
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:30,157
The jewelry store is
right across the street.

325
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,120
Why can't we just walk?

326
00:16:32,122 --> 00:16:34,322
The only access point
is on the roof.

327
00:16:34,324 --> 00:16:38,074
Plus, you don't get
a cool nickname
by taking the stairs.

328
00:16:38,068 --> 00:16:42,328
It's time to become
The Flying Scoundrels!

329
00:16:42,332 --> 00:16:43,502
Ready?

330
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,483
One, two,

331
00:16:46,476 --> 00:16:48,136
three!
(BOTH SCREAMING)

332
00:16:48,138 --> 00:16:49,508
We don't want
to become criminals!

333
00:16:51,081 --> 00:16:53,681
And not just because
I have a parachute wedgie!

334
00:16:53,683 --> 00:16:55,753
(CHUCKLING) Gotcha!

335
00:16:55,745 --> 00:16:58,545
Guys, I'm not
the Scuba Bandit.

336
00:16:59,349 --> 00:17:00,449
You're not?

337
00:17:00,450 --> 00:17:03,350
No! In the summer of 1987,

338
00:17:03,353 --> 00:17:05,563
I was a counselor
at Camp Chub-Away.

339
00:17:07,157 --> 00:17:09,697
Why didn't you just
say so in the first place?

340
00:17:09,699 --> 00:17:12,529
One, would you admit
to that?

341
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,642
And two,
I was tired of you kids
invading my privacy

342
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:18,605
and accusing me
of being a criminal.

343
00:17:18,608 --> 00:17:21,738
So, I pretended
to be the Scuba Bandit
to scare you.

344
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,041
(GIGGLING)

345
00:17:23,773 --> 00:17:25,823
Well, it totally worked.

346
00:17:25,815 --> 00:17:27,615
Yeah.

347
00:17:27,617 --> 00:17:30,117
Only one problem.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

348
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:33,620
We were so scared,
we kind of called the cops.

349
00:17:33,623 --> 00:17:34,723
(RADIO CHATTER APPROACHING)
What?

350
00:17:35,725 --> 00:17:37,785
Hey! Stop! Wait!
I'm innocent!

351
00:17:41,231 --> 00:17:43,361
LUKE: Sorry, Bertram!

352
00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:46,203
Don't worry,
we'll be waiting for you
when you get out!

353
00:17:46,196 --> 00:17:48,396
How is that supposed
to make me feel better?

354
00:17:48,398 --> 00:17:50,498
(SOBBING)

355
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,805
I must admit,
I did not expect

356
00:17:57,807 --> 00:18:00,377
someone so young
and inexperienced

357
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:03,510
to be so talented.

358
00:18:03,513 --> 00:18:06,593
Thanks.
And I didn't expect
someone so old

359
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:10,186
to go this long without
going to the bathroom.

360
00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:11,520
Who says I have not, eh?

361
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:13,522
Ew!

362
00:18:16,466 --> 00:18:20,396
Hey,
I brought you some fruit
to keep your energy up.

363
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,170
Send his king
to the guillotine.

364
00:18:23,673 --> 00:18:26,343
You play well, little girl,
but your lack of training

365
00:18:26,336 --> 00:18:29,406
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
is starting to show. Ah!

366
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:31,539
Hey, you like apples?

367
00:18:31,541 --> 00:18:33,641
Oh, merci.
I love apples.

368
00:18:34,584 --> 00:18:37,824
Good. Because
I took your queen.

369
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:39,717
How do you like
them apples?

370
00:18:42,852 --> 00:18:45,302
"Boom!" goes
the knightamite!

371
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,496
Zuri has set him up.
He is finished.

372
00:18:49,499 --> 00:18:50,829
In no more
than six moves,

373
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,760
she will have him
in checkmate.

374
00:18:52,762 --> 00:18:54,402
(GASPS)
That's incredible!

375
00:18:54,404 --> 00:18:55,744
Or, as they
say in Paris,
(BEEPS)

376
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:58,705
(SPEAKING NONSENSICAL FRENCH)

377
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:01,739
Jessie, nobody in Paris

378
00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:03,711
says "the chickens
are shining their shoes."

379
00:19:06,176 --> 00:19:07,346
Stupid free app.

380
00:19:09,419 --> 00:19:11,479
You know, I was
just about your age

381
00:19:11,481 --> 00:19:14,681
when I start
to play this sport.

382
00:19:14,684 --> 00:19:17,594
See? I told you,
it is a sport!

383
00:19:17,587 --> 00:19:20,657
But my family,
they put too much
pressure on me,

384
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,660
so I quit and ran away.

385
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:28,343
Ever since, my soul
has been heavier
than my mother's souffle.

386
00:19:28,338 --> 00:19:29,668
She is not
a very good cook.

387
00:19:32,602 --> 00:19:34,642
That's a sad story.

388
00:19:34,644 --> 00:19:36,654
You should really go see
your family.

389
00:19:37,647 --> 00:19:40,207
That is why I play
this tournament.

390
00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:41,710
If I win this trip,

391
00:19:41,711 --> 00:19:44,211
I can go
and make my peace
with them. Mmm?

392
00:19:45,815 --> 00:19:47,285
This is it.

393
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:48,617
She has
his king trapped.

394
00:19:48,618 --> 00:19:51,558
All she has to do
is move her queen.

395
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:56,703
RAVI: (SHOUTING) Do you
believe in miracles?

396
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,696
Huh?

397
00:19:59,529 --> 00:20:00,569
Checkmate!

398
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:05,512
Do you believe
in completely
predictable outcomes?

399
00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:08,375
Clem Brulee, the expert,
has won!

400
00:20:08,978 --> 00:20:10,408
(APPLAUSE)

401
00:20:12,582 --> 00:20:13,682
Adios, Paris.

402
00:20:15,945 --> 00:20:18,415
I'm sorry, Jessie.

403
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:20,618
It's okay, I know
you did your best.

404
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,720
Actually, uh,
she let me win.

405
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,802
What? You didn't
do your best?

406
00:20:25,795 --> 00:20:29,695
She threw the match
so that a poor, old man
could go and see his family.

407
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,530
You have done
good job with this one.

408
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:34,733
Merci, Zuri.

409
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:38,967
Au revoir.

410
00:20:38,968 --> 00:20:40,538
Bye, Clem.

411
00:20:42,572 --> 00:20:44,742
I'm sorry
I let you down, Jessie.

412
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:45,824
(CHUCKLING)
Let me down?

413
00:20:45,815 --> 00:20:47,845
You just did
a very amazing thing,

414
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:49,717
and I am incredibly
proud of you.

415
00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:52,650
I just wish
I could be proud of you

416
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:55,662
while stuffing
my face with croissants
on the Chomps-Elissies.

417
00:20:57,987 --> 00:21:01,627
Don't worry, I will get
to Paris eventually.
(GIGGLES TREMULOUSLY)

418
00:21:01,631 --> 00:21:04,331
You get travel discounts
when you're over 65, right?

419
00:21:05,595 --> 00:21:06,795
(SOBBING)

420
00:21:07,997 --> 00:21:09,667
(BEEPS)

421
00:21:09,669 --> 00:21:12,999
Hey, Dad! Listen,
Jessie's never been to Paris.

422
00:21:13,002 --> 00:21:15,712
Can we take the jet
this weekend?

423
00:21:15,705 --> 00:21:17,845
Awesome! Thanks, Dad!
(GASPING)

424
00:21:19,549 --> 00:21:21,879
Now for the love of Pete,

425
00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:23,751
can we have
a tea party, already?

426
00:21:25,755 --> 00:21:27,455
Oui, oui.

427
00:21:27,457 --> 00:21:28,457
(SQUEALING IN DELIGHT)

428
00:21:29,689 --> 00:21:30,789
Oh, Ravi,

429
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:32,790
who are your new friends?

430
00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,602
Chess babes!

431
00:21:35,595 --> 00:21:36,795
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
Score!

432
00:21:41,070 --> 00:21:42,730
Checkmate, Ravi.

433
00:21:46,576 --> 00:21:50,776
Thanks for bailing me out
and clearing things up
with the police, Jessie.

434
00:21:50,780 --> 00:21:52,810
And thank you
even more for this.

435
00:21:55,785 --> 00:21:59,585
Now, remember,
whatever Bertram wants,
he gets.

436
00:21:59,589 --> 00:22:01,749
May I suggest
you have them massage

437
00:22:01,751 --> 00:22:03,651
that "mysterious birthmark"
on your foot?

438
00:22:03,653 --> 00:22:06,003
Oh, yes.
(SIGHS IN ANTICIPATION)

439
00:22:05,995 --> 00:22:07,595
That's cruel
and unusual punishment!

440
00:22:08,758 --> 00:22:10,628
Speaking of unusual,

441
00:22:10,630 --> 00:22:14,360
I have this giant bunion
shaped like Barbra Streisand.

442
00:22:15,535 --> 00:22:18,565
You'll wanna pay her
extra attention.

443
00:22:18,568 --> 00:22:20,638
(CHUCKLING)
BOTH: Ew!

444
00:22:22,612 --> 00:22:25,112
Anyway, I hope you two
have learned your lesson.

445
00:22:25,114 --> 00:22:26,854
Oh, totes.

446
00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:30,916
We're never going
to let our imaginations
get the best of us again.

447
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,380
MAN ON TV: Next on
Unresolved Felonies,

448
00:22:33,383 --> 00:22:36,393
police continue their hunt
for the elusive
"Sweetheart Bandit."

449
00:22:36,386 --> 00:22:37,586
Here is the last known
photo of her.

450
00:22:39,829 --> 00:22:41,589
BOTH: Jessie!
(DISHWARE CLINKING)

451
00:22:41,591 --> 00:22:43,991
(SPUTTERING)

452
00:22:43,993 --> 00:22:46,103
You call the cops, I'll get
some duct tape and a rope!

453
00:22:46,896 --> 00:22:48,496
No, stop!

454
00:22:49,499 --> 00:22:51,899
(WHINING) You didn't
bring me napkins!