1 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:33,039 I blocked Martha on Facebook and then took some time off from the pub. 2 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:34,599 Maybe in the back of my mind, 3 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,519 I hoped that if I disappeared long enough she might grow bored, 4 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,720 or I might be able to forget what happened. 5 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,879 But I still felt her grope for days afterwards. 6 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:45,880 The smell of her neck sweat as she pressed me up against the wall. 7 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:47,520 And why did I freeze? 8 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:49,800 Why did I just let it happen? 9 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,640 It didn't feel human. 10 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:54,240 It never does. 11 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,199 Ooh, you're up late. 12 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,440 Uh, yeah. I... I couldn't sleep. 13 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,719 How was your date Friday? 14 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,680 Oh, not the best. 15 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,360 Look, 16 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,560 I hope you don't feel like you can't bring people back here 17 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,480 just because you used to date my daughter. 18 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,720 Oh, no. No, it's, uh... It's not that. It's just, um... 19 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:27,280 Um... 20 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,240 She ditched me on the way home. 21 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,359 What a scumbag. 22 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,200 Honestly, Donny, you're better off without someone like that. 23 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:50,959 I knew I couldn't sit inside anymore ignoring my problems, 24 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,839 and so I headed round to Teri's, determined to do something 25 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:57,000 which felt more reckless than any of my behavior so far. 26 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,320 I was gonna tell her the truth. 27 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:02,440 Hello? 28 00:02:02,441 --> 00:02:03,920 All right, mate. Delivery. 29 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,320 Oh, okay. Coming. 30 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:12,519 What the hell, Tony? 31 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:16,679 Look, I know I'm not a delivery man, but I am delivering something. 32 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:17,600 What? 33 00:02:17,601 --> 00:02:18,880 An apology. 34 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,800 Oh, fuck off, you cheesy prick. 35 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,520 Does that mean I can come up? 36 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:41,720 You have three minutes. 37 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:44,999 My name's not Tony. 38 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,400 I knew it. What's your real name? 39 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:51,520 It's Donny. 40 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:56,639 Oh, so you can be honest with your stalker but not with me? 41 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,800 I mean, is anything you told me true? 42 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,720 Your ballsy fucking building job for one. 43 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:05,040 No. 44 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,399 Why? Why lie? 45 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:12,239 I don't know. It... it... I just felt vulnerable, I guess. 46 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,959 It just helped me ease into it, you know, pretending to be someone else. 47 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,480 Someone, I don't know, 48 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,280 manly. 49 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,000 That's, like, the craziest shit I've ever heard. 50 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,480 You're fucking sick, you know that? 51 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:34,920 So go on, where do you work? 52 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,000 - A pub. Which pub? 53 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:41,559 You can't even say that. 54 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,200 The Heart in Camden. 55 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:45,440 What do you do? 56 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,279 I just told you what I did. 57 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:50,999 Nobody wants to work at a bar. What's the plan? The big picture? 58 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,160 Where do you wanna be in ten years' time? 59 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:56,400 A comedian. 60 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,600 Oh, that's good. 61 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,960 I'm sure this is a right laugh. 62 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:08,359 Is that it? Doing all of this for a bit of material? 63 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,919 What? No. Teri, I'd never do that. 64 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:14,320 I don't believe you. I don't believe anything you say. 65 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:16,399 And guess what? 66 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,360 Time's up, dickhead. Get the fuck out my house. 67 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,160 Listen. 68 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:33,200 Donny! Donny! 69 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,800 Come here. Come say hello to the cooking group. 70 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,040 There he is! 71 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,999 Have you guys done any cooking whatsoever? 72 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,399 - We're still on the flambé. 73 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,159 Who've you got? Any new recruits? 74 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:55,039 Oh, yes. This is Beau. 75 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,439 - Beau is a painter by trade. Hello, Beau. 76 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,120 And this is Sheila. But, oh God, sorry, I've forgotten what it is you do. 77 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,160 I'm a lawyer. 78 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:31,439 When I first came to London, I moved with my then girlfriend, Keeley, 79 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:34,519 into her mother's home while we tried to find a place to build a life together. 80 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,520 Nice to meet you. 81 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:40,199 But an intended stopgap of two weeks turned into six months, 82 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,600 turned into one year, 83 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,599 turned into her calling me an emotionless prick and moving out 84 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,320 before I could manage an erection. 85 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,360 So then, in an irony I couldn't quite believe, 86 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,880 I found myself married to her mother. 87 00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:58,999 Shortly after Keeley moved out, 88 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,639 Liz's eldest son died in an abseiling accident, 89 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:05,360 which was about as intense a way into a new living situation as could be. 90 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,840 Oh my God, I'm... I am so sorry. 91 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:11,320 No, no, it's fine. 92 00:07:11,321 --> 00:07:13,519 - Are you sure? I mean, I... Yeah. 93 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,920 Okay. Um... All right. I... I'll be very quick. 94 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,000 I'll go round this way. 95 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,080 Ooh. 96 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,360 You all right? Good to see you. 97 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,560 For three minutes. 98 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,479 And I do sometimes question whether the timing of Liz's son's passing 99 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:48,039 lead her to see me as an extension of him. 100 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:50,999 Like he left the house one day and came back a little more Scottish, 101 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,719 a little more neurotic, and, dare I say, 102 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,280 a little better at abseiling. 103 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,440 I got this. Found it in the loft. 104 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,439 - Oh, no, I couldn't. - He dressed well. 105 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,159 He did. But, honestly, I couldn't. It wouldn't feel right. 106 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,159 Why don't I leave this with you? Think it through. 107 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,600 Honestly, Liz, I absolutely cannot accept this coat. 108 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,039 It was a strange living situation, 109 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,919 to be shacked up with the twice-divorced, grieving mother of my ex-girlfriend. 110 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:19,320 But in the end, I really grew to value her presence in my life. 111 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,679 She had the kind of boundless positivity 112 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:25,120 reserved only for those fighting the most unspeakable circumstances. 113 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,639 Therefore, when Keeley found out about my plans to stay, 114 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,920 she let me, on one condition. 115 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,920 That I never bring chaos to her mother's door. 116 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,319 I don't know how you do it. Honestly, I don't. 117 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:40,320 Do what, hen? 118 00:08:40,321 --> 00:08:42,599 Stay up this late without so much as a tipple. 119 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,759 I'm better without it. Crazy enough as it is, me. 120 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,439 My old man used to say 121 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,719 I'm a full-time drunk without touching a drop. 122 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:52,000 I know that feeling. 123 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,399 She's good. I like her. 124 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,759 - Top-up? - I think we should maybe wrap up. 125 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,279 A Diet Coke, please. 126 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,639 You'll be bouncing off the walls with all that caffeine. 127 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:03,600 Hopefully. 128 00:09:03,601 --> 00:09:05,800 Might need a bit of help bouncing, mind. 129 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:11,119 Listen, uh, Liz, I think maybe we should call it. 130 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,480 I'm... I'm up early, and I need... I need a decent night's sleep. 131 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:16,279 I could stay here. 132 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,559 You'd be so welcome. 133 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,959 This is an old lodging house. Plenty of rooms to spare. 134 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,799 I actually think it's best if Martha doesn't stay tonight. 135 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,959 Her name's Sheila! Oh my God! 136 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,840 You're supposed to be the sober one. 137 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:36,319 Sheila, I assume I can trust you to stay quiet for young Donny here. 138 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:40,360 Oh, absolutely. I'll bite my lip if I think of making any noise. 139 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,839 Great. That's settled, then. I'll pad you out a bed. 140 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,800 Donny, why don't you make Sheila a nice cup of tea for beddies? 141 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,119 You're to leave here, right now. 142 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,239 No. I'm staying the night. 143 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:59,039 It'd be rude not to. My new friend Liz is fastening me up a bed. 144 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,279 She's not your friend, and you're not fucking staying. 145 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,120 Don't get stuffy with me. 146 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,159 You're lucky I'm still interested 147 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,559 after you pissed off from the pub and blocked me on Facebook. 148 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:10,399 I'm not talking about this. If you continue this bullshit any longer, 149 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,040 I'll call the police. 150 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,760 You wouldn't dare. I'm a lawyer. 151 00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,999 I've got certain standards to live up to. 152 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,120 I don't want the police making waffles out of nothing. 153 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,159 Then leave. Stay away from this cooking class. 154 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,520 Stay away from Liz, and stay away from this house. 155 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,080 Is that clear? 156 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,520 Okay. All right. 157 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:37,280 What's it gonna... 158 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,079 I spent all night panicking, 159 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:25,120 thinking of the things Martha could do now she knew where I lived. 160 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,999 She could come over all the time, 161 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,159 hound me in the corridors of my home, 162 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,519 sneak into my bed in the dead of the night. 163 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,040 And what would happen then? 164 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:39,719 I should have gone to the police, but I decided to speak to her first, 165 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,799 tell her that if she ever came to the house again, 166 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,880 there would be absolutely no going back. 167 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:49,400 But she never showed. 168 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,200 She knew it was my first shift back. 169 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,680 Was that all it took to remove her from my life? 170 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,080 One threat about calling the police? 171 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,599 It all just seemed too simple, too easy, 172 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:05,600 too... 173 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,560 Oh shit! 174 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:31,920 F... 175 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,200 Fuck, fuck, fuck. 176 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,040 I'll get this. 177 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:50,719 I told you not to come here. 178 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,119 I don't think you have any say in the matter. 179 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,120 Keeley. 180 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:57,800 What are you... 181 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,999 - What are you doing here? - What, at my family home? 182 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,239 - I didn't know you had plans to be down. - I told my mum not to tell you. 183 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,000 I didn't wanna make a big deal out of it. 184 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,519 But judging by your facial expressions, probably too late for that. 185 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:14,479 No, no, I just, um... I just, uh... How long are you staying for? 186 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,919 As long as I bloody like. - Yeah, yeah. No, of course. 187 00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:21,320 Yeah, well, this is serious. Your girlfriend is a psycho. 188 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:26,439 She keeps contacting me on Facebook. She will not leave me alone. 189 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,679 I'm starting to worry I'm gonna bump into her somewhere. 190 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:29,920 Can you talk to her? 191 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,400 - She's not my girlfriend. - Who is she, then? 192 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:35,919 You need to sort this out. 193 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:37,959 Why me? I don't have anything to do with this. 194 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,759 Bullshit. You would have done something to bring this on. 195 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:44,599 - Here we go. Blame me like you always do. - Yeah, I do blame you. You love drama. 196 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,279 Anything to take you away from the stasis that is your own life. 197 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,999 Wow, wow. It's great to see you putting that psychology postgrad to good use 198 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,399 after all this time. 199 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,720 There was me thinking you were wasting it working in a flower shop. 200 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,239 If she keeps pestering me, I'm gonna tell my mum. 201 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,200 And then you'll be out of here before you can say mates' rates. 202 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,999 Every day now, Martha would be outside. 203 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,960 This ticking time bomb on my life. 204 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,559 I would leave first thing in the morning, and she would be there. 205 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,440 I love you, nipple. Think of me at work today. 206 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:34,079 Then I would come back, sometimes as late as 11 or 12 at night, 207 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,519 and she would still be there. 208 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,799 How was your shift, reindeer? Did you think of me? 209 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,799 I never understood what she got from it. She never approached me. 210 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,559 She never came to the house again. 211 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,720 She avoided Liz whenever she passed. 212 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,719 It was all catcalls and snatched glimpses, 213 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,359 as she devoted 15, 16-hour days to a fleeting encounter. 214 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:53,960 Tell us a joke, funny bones. 215 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:55,680 Make me smile. 216 00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,599 But soon, as time wore on and the temperature dropped, 217 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,599 I noticed a change in Martha 218 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,920 as she descended into this staring. 219 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,160 Martha. 220 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:11,920 Are you okay? 221 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,519 It all just came back 222 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:26,120 to those same feelings of empathy which got me here. 223 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,120 Jesus Christ, Martha, how long have you been sitting out here for? 224 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,480 Here. I've got a tissue somewhere. 225 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,080 There. 226 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,200 All right. 227 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,520 Here, let me, um... 228 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,920 You're gonna catch your death if you sit out here all night. 229 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:38,560 I'm gonna take you back to yours, okay? 230 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,600 My landlady has a car, and I'll... 231 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:43,880 I'll drive you. 232 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,120 All right, come on. 233 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,320 Here. Let's go. 234 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,160 Here. Sit down. 235 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:22,640 Gonna make you a cup of tea. 236 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,560 It's important you heat up as soon as possible. 237 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,840 Here. It's hot. 238 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:17,080 Martha, you have to stop hanging around that bus stop on my road. 239 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:21,120 Why? 240 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:27,400 Because you're only there because my house is 30 yards away. 241 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,360 You live next door to my friend. 242 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,560 Then why are you there and not next door at your friend's? 243 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,120 Martha, please, don't do this. 244 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:46,680 My home means a great deal to me, and I can't afford to be anywhere else. 245 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,120 Fuck. 246 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:59,599 Oh no. Why are you crying, nipple? 247 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:01,800 No, I'm not fucking crying. I just... 248 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,160 What's wrong? Tell me. 249 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,800 You, Martha. You're what's wrong. 250 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,759 What can I do to help though, reindeer? What... what do you need? 251 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,760 Space. 252 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:16,880 Space. 253 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,240 Fr... from me? 254 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:20,840 From us? 255 00:19:20,841 --> 00:19:24,519 Oh, what are you talking about? There is no us! Fucking hell. 256 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,439 I can say anything to you, can't I, 257 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,160 and you'll just pick and choose the bits you want to hear. 258 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,680 I mean, look at you, 259 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,240 staring at me like... 260 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:37,200 Like what? 261 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:40,480 I mean... 262 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:43,840 you believe it, don't you? 263 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:01,360 Martha. 264 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,200 I'm breaking up with you. 265 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:09,520 Oh. 266 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:12,920 Oh no. 267 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,840 Oh no. 268 00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,719 Oh no, please. No, don't. 269 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,280 Oh no, oh no, oh no. 270 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,079 Please. 271 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,639 - I'll stop, I'll stop. - No, don't do that, Martha, okay? 272 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,080 - Don't. Just listen to me, okay? Listen. - Oh no. 273 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:37,120 Don't think of this as something you lost. Think of it as something you gained. 274 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:39,959 If you stop now 275 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,160 and never contact me again, it's almost been perfect, hasn't it? 276 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:46,680 This fairy tale to look back on. 277 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,639 But for it to remain a fairy tale, 278 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,520 you now need to respect the boundaries of the breakup. 279 00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,640 You wouldn't wanna spoil that fairy-tale ending, would you? 280 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,200 No. 281 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:08,680 No. 282 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,120 I wouldn't, Frankie. 283 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:16,960 I won't do nothing 284 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,200 to harm what we had. 285 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,279 Okay, guys. All right, listen up. 286 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,519 Welcome to the semifinals. You each have five minutes. 287 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,799 The red light will flash 15 seconds before the end, 288 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:42,519 and if you go over your allotted time, you will be disqualified. 289 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,280 - Now, Glenda here is your compère. - Sup, guys? 290 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:50,040 So any requests, specific introductions, she's your man. 291 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,839 Right. Good luck, everyone. 292 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:56,239 I had built this gig up in my head as the answer to all my problems. 293 00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:57,799 Getting to the final might be enough 294 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,199 to drag me out of the hell of the past few years. 295 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,839 And with Martha gone, it really felt like there was nothing in my way. 296 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:04,840 That was until... 297 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:05,840 Teri. 298 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:07,880 Uh... 299 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,279 - What the hell? - Warm welcome. 300 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,839 No, no, it's just... 301 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,680 I haven't seen you for weeks. 302 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,199 - What are you doing here? - Coming to see the show. 303 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,200 - You can't be serious. Deadly. 304 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,279 If anything's gonna give me closure, 305 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:25,120 it's seeing you fail spectacularly in front of hundreds of people. 306 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:30,480 Will 20 do? 307 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:33,959 And, sorry, these are? 308 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,199 Oh. My friends. 309 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,479 They're here to stop me sliding into a familiar pattern 310 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,800 of shame-based behavior with horrible men. 311 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,760 Nice to meet you. 312 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,959 Well, if I wasn't nervous before, I am now. 313 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,839 Good. We're very hard to please. 314 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,359 Come on, bro. I need to open the doors. 315 00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:59,040 Yeah, sorry. I'll... I'll be right up, okay? I'll be two seconds, yeah? 316 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,680 Sorry, I don't know why I opted to stay. I'm gonna go too. Enjoy the show. 317 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,439 So, Dad, if you're watching this... 318 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:15,559 - Oh, Jesus. Oh, fucking hell. Jesus. Put on some trousers. 319 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,079 You want an introduction? 320 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,319 Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Can you introduce me as a little bit mad? 321 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,159 It might help set up the audience for something a little bit different. 322 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,000 Sure. You're on next. Good luck, mate. 323 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:34,000 - Well done. That was great. How good was that? 324 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,799 Okay. Now, your next act is mental. 325 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:42,639 He's been stalking about backstage, freaking us all out. 326 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:43,600 That's too much. 327 00:24:43,601 --> 00:24:45,919 So you're gonna have to lock up your daughters. 328 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:47,319 Makes me sound like a pervert. 329 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,919 Please welcome to the stage... - Fuck's sake! 330 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,000 Donny Dunn! All right, yeah. 331 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:55,839 Yeah, that's... 332 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,399 Uh, yeah, sorry. Uh, leave those doors unlocked. 333 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,159 That's... Yep, that's not a joke. 334 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:04,080 It's just... I'm not after your daughters. That makes me sound like a... a... 335 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:06,520 I'm not a pervert. 336 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:13,959 I've always found that phrase weird. "Lock up your daughters." 337 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:18,040 Like they lock up all the women in town, instead of dealing with the one pervert. 338 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,040 Talk about counterproductive. 339 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:28,639 I... I assume he's a pervert anyway. I mean, he could be, like, a... like a... 340 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,920 serial killer or something, you know, with a 341 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,080 particular penchant for, uh, 342 00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,080 young girls. 343 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:44,279 So, yeah, not after your daughters. Uh, just wanna make that clear up top. 344 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,880 I'm from Scotland originally, so it's your pastries I'm after. 345 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,119 Um, I know I don't sound Scottish, 346 00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:53,319 but if you need proof, just look at the state of me. 347 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:54,880 I've just turned 16. 348 00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:00,239 All right, good. Yeah. All right, let's do some jokes. 349 00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:01,400 Donny Dunn. 350 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,199 So three weeks ago, my girlfriend came up to me, 351 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,479 and she says she really wants to try tantric sex, 352 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,079 the art of delaying an orgasm. 353 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,079 So I replied, "Hey, I've been going out with you for five years, 354 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:14,519 and you haven't come once." 355 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,079 "What more do you want from me?" 356 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,320 Donny Dunn. 357 00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,959 Two weeks ago, my girlfriend came up to me and said, 358 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,799 "I just think we're not working as lovers." 359 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:27,839 To which I replied, "Oh, come on." 360 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,159 "That's what you said about the cousins thing." 361 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,960 Donny Dunn. 362 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:37,239 Then one week after that, she came up to me and she said, 363 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:38,959 "I'm thinking of leaving you." 364 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,799 To which I replied, 365 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,640 "Please. No." 366 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,160 Donny Dunn. 367 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,280 Um... 368 00:26:55,080 --> 00:27:00,000 All right, um, yeah. Let's do some... Let's do some prop stuff. All right. 369 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:19,239 Thanks for that. Moving on. 370 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:20,400 I miss you. 371 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:24,399 Um, I miss you too, random stranger. 372 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,199 I'm not a random stranger. I'm your ex. 373 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:28,400 Don't be so cruel. 374 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,480 Who's that girl you were talking about? 375 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,440 Is that Keeley from your Facebook? 376 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:37,080 Um... 377 00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:42,520 No, it's a little thing called fiction, actually. 378 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,039 Just so you know, when you watch Game of Thrones, 379 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,720 those aren't real dragons, you do realize that? 380 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:54,160 I don't know why they're all laughing. You're absolutely shite. 381 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,159 Ooh. 382 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,679 Okay, just to give you some context, ladies and gentlemen, 383 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:00,600 this is, uh... 384 00:28:00,601 --> 00:28:03,399 This is Martha, my stalker. Say hello to Martha. 385 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,320 Don't you dare say that to me! 386 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:09,359 I'm a paying customer. How dare you insinuate mixed intentions! 387 00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:11,560 You apologize to me right now. 388 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:14,440 Uh... 389 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,280 Fucking hell. Who unlocked the doors to Broadmoor? 390 00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,639 You can't call me a stalker. 391 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,960 You're the one creeping round my house at night. 392 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,040 Peering in through my windows. 393 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:30,600 Sending me emails begging for my bumhole. 394 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,319 I... I... I genuinely have no idea what she's talking about. 395 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:35,439 Yes, you do. 396 00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:36,760 I'll show them. 397 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:40,439 - He does know what I'm talking about. - Can we get her out? 398 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,320 - Someone? - Look. There. 399 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:44,199 I don't know what that is. 400 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,519 Look, sorry, can we get her out, please? Yep? 401 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,840 Look, an email. Anal sex, it says. 402 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,839 There, see? Look. Anal. 403 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,600 Come on, darling. Out we go. Anal sex, it says. 404 00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:59,079 - Don't you put your hands on me. Out we go. 405 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,999 You're not allowed to put your hands on me. Under no circumstances. 406 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:04,319 No. He's a bumhole lover, this one. 407 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:07,199 A proper dirty little bumhole lover. 408 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:13,040 A filthy little two-bit, barman, bumhole bastard! 409 00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:16,320 Don't touch me! 410 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:23,520 Can't take my mum anywhere. 411 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:37,200 Fuck! 412 00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:51,479 Teri. Oh fuck. 413 00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:52,919 Get in. Get in, quick. Quick. 414 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:54,199 - Was that Martha? - Yeah. 415 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,360 - That was nuts. - I know. We need to get out of here. 416 00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:00,960 - I wanna meet her. 417 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:04,519 - You're not serious? - I am. I wanna meet her. 418 00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:06,359 No, Teri. That is not a good idea. 419 00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:09,199 It is. Think about it. I'm a therapist. I can get through to her. 420 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:12,440 Think about it. She's insane. There's no getting through to her. 421 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,080 You'll have to come down the back way with me. 422 00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:21,680 Just do this for me, yeah? 423 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:26,440 Fine. Loser. 424 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,319 It's kinda comical, you being scared of a middle-aged woman. 425 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:35,480 Wait until you hear about my phobia of massive, abandoned fucking back rooms. 426 00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:40,520 Reindeer? - Oh shit! 427 00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:42,480 Shit. 428 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:48,560 Shit! 429 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:56,439 - Oh my God. - Fucking hell. 430 00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,080 I'm, like, shaking. 431 00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:00,479 Jesus. She's terrifying. 432 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:01,919 Do you think she saw us? 433 00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:03,680 - I hope not. - Fucking hell. 434 00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:09,960 Um... 435 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:13,680 Shall we, uh... Shall we get a drink, maybe? 436 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:16,280 I don't know. 437 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:20,439 I didn't really plan on being here with you. 438 00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:22,640 Look, just give me one more chance, please. 439 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:28,839 Look, it's not about me giving you another chance. It's just... 440 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:32,199 I don't really wanna be seen with the shit comedian from the show. 441 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:35,039 You can always sit on the table behind me 442 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:37,160 and talk to me over your shoulder if you'd like. 443 00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:40,320 Yeah, you'd love that, wouldn't you? 444 00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:49,159 Oh, Jesus, that gig was brutal. 445 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:52,520 Yeah. It was going so well too. 446 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:57,000 I really would have fancied your chances, had she not interrupted. 447 00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:00,240 - You always know the right thing to say. - Mm-hmm. 448 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:07,720 So, what made you stick around? 449 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:09,720 Seeing you struggle up top. 450 00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:13,039 I just wanted to come on stage, give you a hug, 451 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:15,200 and tell you to get a real job. 452 00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:26,080 Also, I saw you changed your profile on the website, and... 453 00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:28,480 I don't know. 454 00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:33,400 I thought that was maybe worth something. 455 00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:42,200 Do you ever think that you'd be able to see past what I did? 456 00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:46,760 Mm, no. Probably not. 457 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:52,399 It'll be the baseline 458 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:54,680 for every single argument we have from now on. 459 00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:59,440 I win, essentially, for the rest of time. 460 00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:01,960 Yeah, I think I can live with that. 461 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:05,400 Who's the skank? 462 00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:11,440 You must be Martha. 463 00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:14,160 I've heard so much about you. 464 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,519 - I've heard fuck all about you. - All right. Calm down, Martha. 465 00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:20,319 Who's the fucking skank? 466 00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:22,199 Teresa. Her name is Teresa. 467 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:25,919 Donny, I think Martha's gonna need a little bit more information than that. 468 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,759 Teri, I get why you're doing this, but now is not the right time. 469 00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:30,679 Sit down. It's exactly the right time. 470 00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,599 - Don't you touch him, bitch! - Martha. 471 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,039 I swear to God, you lay another finger on him, 472 00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:37,079 I'm gonna wipe that lip from you, mark my words. 473 00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:39,479 Seriously. Let's step outside, Martha, okay? 474 00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:41,799 Honestly, Donny, I'd ask if you're fucking, 475 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:44,879 but I don't think you'd stoop so low as to put your dick somewhere this dirty. 476 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:47,359 - What do you mean, "dirty"? - You know what I mean. 477 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,799 Okay, I think we should all calm down a bit, yeah? 478 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:51,359 No, not until you tell me 479 00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:53,639 who the foreign tart with the high cheekbones is, 480 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,039 acting like I've got no right to be here, 481 00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:58,719 when she's got no right to be in my fucking country! 482 00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:00,319 All right, Martha. Calm down. 483 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,519 Everything all right? - I've got this. 484 00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:06,359 Is this the company you're keeping? Druggies and rapists, the lot of 'em. 485 00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:08,279 I swear to God, if I had my way, 486 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:10,680 I'd sink their boats on the horizon. 487 00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:16,279 You know what? I'm getting bored of this now. 488 00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:19,759 So, Donny, why don't you just tell her that you're on a date with me 489 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,440 and she needs to fuck off?! 490 00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:27,560 Whore. 491 00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,280 Whore! 492 00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:33,599 Fucking whore! 493 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:35,559 You're a nasty, nasty little whore! 494 00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:37,399 Martha, come on! - Fucking skank! 495 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:40,279 - You fucking ugly bitch! Martha! 496 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:41,640 Let go, Martha! 497 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:43,519 Boots! 498 00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:46,079 Stop, Martha! Calm down! 499 00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:48,719 - Little bitch! The boots! Someone fucking help! 500 00:34:48,720 --> 00:34:49,839 The boots! 501 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:53,159 - Look at the boots! Bitch! Whore! Martha, get up! 502 00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:55,040 You look like a man! 503 00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:00,439 Right, get the fuck out of here, Martha! 504 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:02,480 The fucking boots bitch! 505 00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:05,240 You're fucking insane! 506 00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:09,440 - That isn't true! - Shut your fucking mouth and listen to me! 507 00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:14,479 There isn't a fucking parallel world where I would want you, okay? 508 00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:16,999 So you stay away from me, do you hear? 509 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:20,679 If you so much as fucking sniff in my fucking direction, 510 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:22,399 I will see to your grave. 511 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:23,600 Do you understand? 512 00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:26,559 Do you fucking understand?! 513 00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:27,680 I understand. 514 00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:30,680 Now get the fuck out of my life. 515 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,120 Out of the fucking way, please.