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[crowd murmuring]
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["Tops Drop" by Fat Pat playing]
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[crowd cheering]
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[presenter] Ladies and gentlemen,
Shane Gillis!
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[crowd cheering]
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♪ Trunks pop, tops drop
See, and the front end hop ♪
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♪ Paint fly, screens on
Acting bad in the zone ♪
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♪ Yeah, it's on riding chrome
Balling at my home ♪
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♪ Texas plates, don't hate
Showing up in the state ♪
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♪ Can't wait, get it straight
While the front end break ♪
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♪ Paid the cost to be the boss
Looking good when I floss ♪
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♪ Sunshine, let it down
Turn it up and clown ♪
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♪ Fool around, hit your block... ♪
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Thank you.
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[indistinct yelling]
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Thank you.
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That was very nice.
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[indistinct yelling]
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Nice, it's good to be here.
It's good to be down here in Virginia.
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[audience chuckles]
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Down here in Virginia.
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Virginia's alright.
I like it down here. It's nice.
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Yeah, it's alright.
We traveled a lot for this.
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We went to Australia this year.
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It was alright.
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[audience chuckles]
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Anytime I go to another country,
as I get out of the airport,
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and start driving around, I'm like...
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[chuckles] "Dude."
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"This is your fucking country, dude?"
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Other countries suck.
America's number one. It's not, like...
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It's not even close.
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[crowd cheering]
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It's official.
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I've been to, like, three other countries.
It's official.
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- [audience laughs]
- And the other countries hate it too.
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They hate that we're number one.
You ever tell them?
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You ever go to another country
and tell 'em we're number one?
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Swim up to, like, a pool bar and just...
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[audience laughs]
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"Did you know we're number one?"
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They hate it. They try
to bring up bullshit to bring us down.
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"What about all the mass shootings
you guys have all the time?"
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I say, "At least we're not gay."
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[all laughing]
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You know?
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There's really not
a good comeback to that, 'cause...
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it's a pretty serious problem.
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And we're the only country doing that.
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We're not making any adjustments.
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[audience laughs]
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"None. What, we're gonna give up our guns
like a bunch of fucking gay guys?"
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[audience laughs]
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"Yeah, right, dude."
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"No, we're just gonna have
shootings all the time."
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"Yeah!"
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No, Australia's good.
I was shittin' on it.
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Australia... Australia might be number two.
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That's a good country, dude.
Just a whole country doing nothing.
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That's what I like about 'em.
They're just down there, zero exports.
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Creating nothing, dude.
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The only export
I've seen come out of Australia
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is just that YouTube video of that guy
punching that kangaroo in the face.
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[all laughing]
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You know that video? That kangaroo
holding that dog hostage out in the woods.
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[audience laughs]
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Owner shows up,
squares up with the kangaroo.
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[chuckles]
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No hesitat...
Kangaroo knew it was a fight too.
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[audience laughs]
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Guy just walks up... Bam!
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If you've seen the video,
you know how good that impression is.
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- [audience applauds, cheers]
- [laughing]
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Yes!
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Australia gave us that.
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Australia also gave us
Love on the Spectrum.
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[audience cheering]
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Love on the Spectrum.
Thank you, Australia.
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Incredible show.
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Truly an incredible...
Actually, an incredible...
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- How did this show get made?
- [audience laughs]
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That's an insane show.
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Only Australia
could have come up with this.
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Only Australians would be like...
[in Australian accent] "Alright."
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"Know how autistic people are extremely
uncomfortable in social settings."
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[audience laughs]
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"Stick a camera in these fuckin' retards'
face and watch 'em talk."
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[audience laughs]
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No, dude.
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Don't do that.
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We're all gonna watch it,
but don't do that.
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[audience laughs]
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"Look at him trying to fuck."
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[chuckles]
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No, Australia ruled. I only...
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I only had one negative experience
while I was there and it was, uh...
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I got... I got bullied.
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I got made fun of publicly by a goth.
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They still have goths, dude. Full-on.
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Black trench coat, black eyeliner.
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And they made fun of me.
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I'll give him credit, in his defense,
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the reason he was making fun of me
was 'cause I was wearing a bucket hat.
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[audience chuckles]
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I had never done that before.
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There were no Black people on the island,
I was taking fashion chances all the time.
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That's the thing about these countries,
England, Scotland, Ireland, Australia.
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No Black people.
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And I know what you're thinking.
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- Nah. [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
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No, you need Black people
to keep the whites in check.
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The last thing you want
is a whole island of whites
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that think they're
the coolest people on earth.
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A disaster. That's how you end up
with Conor McGregors walking around.
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"Blah blah blah blah."
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It's like, "Shut up, dude."
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- The foreign whites are out of control.
- [all laughing]
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American whites, we're humble.
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[audience laughs]
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We know we're not the coolest guys around.
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It's the foreign whites, dude.
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- [audience member] Yeah!
- Yeah. [chuckles]
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"Yes!" [laughs]
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"Preach, brother!" [laughs]
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[audience laughs]
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For real, though.
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There's a reason every good NBA player
that's white is from another country.
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The audacity to think
you can play in that league, dude.
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The fucking arrogance.
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Every white dude in America saw
a Black kid dunking like, in eight grade,
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and it was just, like, "Oh, alright."
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[audience laughs]
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"There goes that dream."
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[audience laughs]
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"I'll just set picks
for the next four years."
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[chuckles]
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Just box out hard as hell.
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White people used to be cool in America.
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[audience laughs]
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Long time ago, dude.
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The height... The height of white people
being cool was us going...
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[in Transatlantic accent] "Meh."
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That was as cool as we got.
Like, "Mah, see? Ha-ha. Wah."
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[speaking normally] And then the day
white people stopped being cool
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was Jackie Robinson's first game.
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[audience laughs]
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You can look it up, dude.
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You can find it, you can find
the radio call from that game online.
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You can hear the exact moment
white people stopped being cool.
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You can hear the announcers, they go...
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[in Transatlantic accent] "Mah.
Chicago, with the White Sox,
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take on the Brooklyn Dodgers."
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[speaking normally] We all had cool,
white nicknames.
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[in Transatlantic accent]
"Up at the mound is Ol' Curly."
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"He's a 47-year-old alcoholic.
He's the greatest athlete alive."
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[audience laughs]
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"Runs a six-second, 40-yard dash."
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"Fastest man alive, they say."
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[speaking normally]
Then it happened, dude.
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Then Jackie came up to the plate,
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you can hear
the announcers were like, "Meh."
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[all laughing]
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"Coming on to the plate
is a young colored boy, from Brooklyn."
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"No way he can hit Curly's pitch."
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"Here comes the pitch! Fuck, home run."
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[audience laughs]
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That was it, dude.
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Jackie hit the ball so hard he knocked
that voice out of all the whites.
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Not one of us has talked like that since.
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It was one swing of the bat,
and we're like, "Meh!"
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[clears throat] "All right, yeah,
that was pretty good. That was good."
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"That was good, it's time for us
to focus on computers."
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[audience laughs]
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[chuckles]
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Anyway.
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I was in Australia.
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I was in a bucket hat.
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I was already self-conscious
about the bucket hat.
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Tried it on in the hotel.
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Just looked like fucking John Candy.
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- It was...
- [all laughing]
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I was with my friend, he's a good friend,
"I look like a fucking dumbass, right?"
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He was like, "No, dude, you look cool."
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"Who cares? No one's gonna give a fuck."
I was like, "Alright, fine."
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As soon as we got outside of the hotel,
somebody gave a fuck.
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I got made fun of immed... It was the goth.
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The goth. I didn't even see him coming.
He came out of the shadows, like they do.
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[hissing]
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[chuckles]
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This fucking guy.
I was standing talking to my friend.
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He was walking behind us on the sidewalk.
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He walked behind me,
took my hat off my head,
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put it back down
and patted me on the head.
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I turned around, smiling at him.
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'Cause I thought,
"Only a friend could have done this."
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This guy kept walking.
He didn't even break stride.
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He goes, "Nice hat, fatso!"
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[audience laughs]
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Destroyed me for no... I had no comeback.
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I was just like, "Yeah, right!"
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[audience laughs]
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I was like that fucking kangaroo.
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[audience laughs]
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"What was that about?"
205
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That was six months ago.
I've thought about that guy every day.
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Every day. I hate him.
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I hate everything...
I hate that he's a goth from Australia.
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It's like, you can't be that.
You can't be a goth from Australia.
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00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:06,879
You sound funny.
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You can't... Know what I mean?
That guy can't go around like...
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[in Australian accent]
"All day I think about death."
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- [audience laughs]
- [speaking normally] "Shut up, dude."
213
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[in Australian accent]
"I'm very dark and twisted."
214
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,892
[audience laughs]
215
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[speaking normally] No, you're not.
216
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You're Australian, you sound funny.
217
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Australian accent is one of those accents
that's funny... every single time.
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You could be in the middle
of a fucking tragedy,
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if you heard an Australian accent,
you'd still be like... [chuckles]
220
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[audience laughs]
221
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You know what I mean?
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Like, if there was, like,
an Australian guy in the office on 9/11...
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[in Australian accent]
"Oh, fuck, look out!" Like...
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[audience laughs]
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"Oh no, there's another one. Get down!"
226
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[audience laughs]
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"Oh, fuck, it's hot up here.
Gonna have to jump out!"
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[audience laughs]
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"No!"
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00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,226
[audience laughs]
231
00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:06,439
[grunts affirmatively]
232
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:10,484
[audience cheering]
233
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:15,448
[speaking normally] Oh, a 9/11 joke.
That was great, bravo!
234
00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:16,866
[chuckles]
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Alright.
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I'll tell you this,
on a more serious note.
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This is something
I'm dealing with in my life.
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I just recently found out that
the girl I'm dating,
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her ex is a Navy SEAL.
240
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:33,299
[audience chuckling]
241
00:10:33,382 --> 00:10:35,134
- That sucks.
- [audience laughs]
242
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That sucks dick, dude.
That's the worst sex of all time.
243
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I never even thought of...
You wanna feel insecure as a man?
244
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That's the wor...
245
00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:45,811
I never... never even thought of that one,
as like, "That could happen to me."
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00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:49,106
I spent my whole life thinking,
"Black guy, worst case on this..."
247
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:50,733
[all laughing]
248
00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:53,986
And by the way, I mean that with all
due respect to the Black community, dude.
249
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:56,489
For real,
I wish people feared my dick like that.
250
00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:57,615
[audience laughs]
251
00:10:57,698 --> 00:11:00,660
I wish my dick struck fear
into entire races.
252
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:03,954
Nobody fears my dick, dude.
253
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,414
[audience laughs]
254
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:06,916
Nobody fears my dick.
255
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:10,086
Other than, like,
women in parking garages, they...
256
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:12,129
[all laughing]
257
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:14,340
Get me in a parking garage,
258
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,592
all of a sudden
my dick's top of the food chain.
259
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:19,512
See me lurking
behind a pillar in there, just...
260
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:22,598
[audience laughs]
261
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,600
With a GameStop bag. Just...
262
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,060
[audience laughs]
263
00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:32,358
Naw, dude, Navy SEAL.
264
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,527
It's a tough one.
265
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:38,948
I do this thing, it's not a good thing,
but whenever... whenever I'm dating a girl,
266
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:40,741
I always talk shit on their exes.
267
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:44,412
It's not a good look.
Women don't respect it.
268
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:46,580
Kinda makes me look like a bitch.
269
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:48,791
I like it.
270
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:51,460
- I per...
- [all laughing]
271
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,379
I can't stop doing it.
And normally it's easy.
272
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:56,757
Normally it's like, "What does your ex do?
He's a fucking substitute teacher?"
273
00:11:56,841 --> 00:11:59,844
"It's weird he wants to hang out
with kids, like, that bad?" You know?
274
00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:00,928
[audience laughs]
275
00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:01,887
This one's tough.
276
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,223
He's a tough ex to make fun of.
277
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,935
I'm walking around the apartment all day,
just, "Pfft!"
278
00:12:08,018 --> 00:12:09,729
"Fucking Navy SEALs..."
279
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:11,814
[audience laughs]
280
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,693
They're kind of pussies
if you really think about it.
281
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:19,947
You know what I mean? Like,
using night vision, sneaking up on guys...
282
00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:22,366
That's a fucking
coward's way to fight, dude.
283
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,617
[audience laughs]
284
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,786
You know who's actually brave? Al-Qaeda.
285
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:27,830
- Yeah.
- [audience laughs]
286
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,999
That takes courage and bravery.
287
00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:33,002
With their pajamas,
throwing rocks at tanks.
288
00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:36,964
Heroic shit, dude,
just you and your boys going out.
289
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:40,259
[laughing] In flip-flops.
You're all gonna get fucked up, dude.
290
00:12:40,342 --> 00:12:41,844
[audience laughs]
291
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:43,053
No training.
292
00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:46,557
Zero military training, dude. Those guys...
293
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:48,350
Those dudes had fuckin'...
294
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:51,020
They had one set of monkey bars.
That's what they all trained on.
295
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:52,605
[all laughing]
296
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:55,316
And they were proud of the monkey bars.
You remember that video?
297
00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:57,443
You've seen them using the monkey bars.
298
00:12:57,526 --> 00:13:01,447
They were pr... They... They filmed
themselves using the monkey bars,
299
00:13:01,530 --> 00:13:03,866
and then sent that tape
out to the world, like...
300
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:05,284
"Not bad."
301
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:08,078
[all laughing]
302
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:14,710
[chuckles]
303
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:18,547
A buddy of mine watches like, uh...
like death videos on the internet.
304
00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:20,382
[chuckles]
305
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:21,467
I don't.
306
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:23,385
He watches them.
307
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:26,931
If we're hanging out,
I'll watch... We watch... I watch...
308
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,767
I was at his place, watch...
I don't know if you know this,
309
00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:31,936
the war in the Middle East
is just on the internet.
310
00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:32,937
The whole fucking...
311
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:36,982
Every dude out there on both sides
was wearing GoPros the entire time.
312
00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:40,694
Like, you can watch it... We watched,
like, three hours of the war in Iraq.
313
00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:44,365
After the first hour, I found myself
starting to cheer... Not cheer, but, like...
314
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:46,033
[audience laughs]
315
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:49,328
...relate. I felt like I could relate more
to the monkey bars guys.
316
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:51,872
They were a little more my speed.
317
00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:55,501
Ever wonder how you would do out there?
Watch those guys.
318
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:57,419
Those are just normal fuckin' dudes.
319
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,380
The second shots are fired,
there's no game plan,
320
00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:00,881
they're just, "Oh, shit!"
321
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:02,299
[audience laughs]
322
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,343
Very relatable. Guns jamming.
323
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:07,847
Trying to fire a rocket.
It goes straight fucking backwards.
324
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,098
[audience laughs]
325
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:12,810
They look like me trying to fire a gun,
their feet move when they shoot.
326
00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:15,187
[audience laughs]
327
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:17,147
Very relatable.
328
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:18,899
They also have never won.
329
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:21,610
They ne... They got fucked up
every single time.
330
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:25,531
Bad. They would blow up
like one truck every five months.
331
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:29,827
They'd be just as surprised as everybody
that shit finally worked out.
332
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:32,913
You can hear it in their voice.
Something blows up, they'd be like, "Oh!"
333
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,999
[yelling, chuckles]
334
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:38,127
Yeah, dude, that's a human reaction.
That's relatable.
335
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:40,212
That's what I would do
if I saw a fucking explosion.
336
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:41,922
- I'd go, "Oh!"
- [audience laughs]
337
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,676
That's human.
You ever watch us kill people?
338
00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:47,678
I can't relate to that at all.
339
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,764
There's some Black Hawk helicopter
with night vision
340
00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:52,558
mows down, like, 40 people.
341
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:54,685
Pilot gets on, he just goes...
342
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:56,854
- [mimics radio chatter] "Clear."
- [audience laughs]
343
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:57,855
Just flies away?
344
00:14:57,938 --> 00:15:01,567
It's like, "Yo, that's a psycho.
That guy didn't give a fuck about that."
345
00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:04,570
At least ISIS is down there having fun,
dancing afterwards.
346
00:15:04,653 --> 00:15:06,989
[audience laughs]
347
00:15:09,366 --> 00:15:11,994
You know?
It's like Ewok village down there, dude.
348
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:14,038
[audience laughs]
349
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,503
Also, I'm not... I'm not actually pro-ISIS.
350
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:22,838
[audience laughs]
351
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:25,799
Alright? It's just...
A Navy SEAL did fuck my girlfriend.
352
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,676
[audience laughs]
353
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,429
And I am having a pretty tough time
dealing with that.
354
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:32,556
It sucks, dude.
355
00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:35,351
Can't get it out of my head.
356
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:39,480
Some fucking cool, jacked hero...
357
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,983
just getting tactical
on my sweet baby's pussy.
358
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,402
[audience laughs]
359
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:49,323
Just clearing out every corner
of my sweet angel's box.
360
00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:54,995
Just checking behind every door in there.
Just, "Clear, go, red team, advance."
361
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:56,205
[audience laughs]
362
00:15:57,581 --> 00:15:59,875
Now, I'm in there, fucking... [hollers]
363
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,961
[audience laughs]
364
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:09,134
I know we're laughing,
having a good time, but that does suck.
365
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:10,469
That sucks.
366
00:16:10,552 --> 00:16:12,346
That absolutely sucks.
367
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:15,265
Sexually...
368
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:19,269
Sexually I have to... I have to follow
a fucking Navy SEAL?
369
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:24,566
They never quit until the job's done,
dude, that's their whole thing.
370
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,485
I quit. A lot. Alright?
371
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:28,612
The job's done when I'm tired,
372
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,448
which is usually
pretty early into the mission.
373
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:32,533
[audience laughs]
374
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:34,576
My arms start shaking pretty early.
375
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:38,580
They give out. Next thing you know,
we're having belly-to-belly missionary.
376
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,207
[audience laughs]
377
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:43,961
Just hunched over, breathing in her ear
like a pug for five minutes.
378
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:46,255
[breathing heavily]
379
00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:47,631
[coughs]
380
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:50,551
Just coughing.
381
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,178
Coughing during sex is funny.
382
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,097
[coughs]
383
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,849
[audience laughs]
384
00:17:00,894 --> 00:17:03,689
You guys know belly-to-belly missionary,
dude, don't fuckin'...
385
00:17:03,772 --> 00:17:05,399
I saw this crowd, dude.
386
00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:09,194
I see you, boy...
Lot of belly-to-belly tonight, dude.
387
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,904
This guy's hunched over. Just...
388
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:12,614
[exhales]
389
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:16,535
You don't even think about that noise
you're making in that poor woman's ear.
390
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:19,788
Every woman in this room
has heard that noise.
391
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:22,624
You've never...
The only way I can describe it is,
392
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:25,044
you ever lay down,
and the dog starts sniffing in your ear?
393
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,128
[audience laughs]
394
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:27,337
That's what it sounds like...
395
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:29,214
[mimics dog sniffing]
396
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:30,924
[audience laughs]
397
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,510
[moans, grunts]
398
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:36,138
[chuckles]
399
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:41,977
No, my girlfriend and I,
we have sex and it's fine.
400
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:45,355
It's okay.
401
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,816
One thing that's funny about it is,
402
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:51,612
it's a new enough relationship that
my girlfriend is still loud during sex.
403
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:55,324
You remember that?
You remember that phase?
404
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:56,825
Still new enough in the relationship
405
00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:00,204
that my girlfriend, like,
screams every time we have sex.
406
00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:02,289
I'm just up there, like, "Yeah, right!"
407
00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:03,791
[audience laughs]
408
00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:05,042
"Yeah, right, lady."
409
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:08,337
"I've seen women walk through this,
no problem."
410
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:11,924
I mean, it's nice, it's a nice gesture.
411
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:14,259
And sometimes it tricks me,
I'm like, "Yeah."
412
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:15,886
[audience laughs]
413
00:18:15,969 --> 00:18:17,638
"Yeah, maybe it's not gonna fit."
414
00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:19,723
[audience laughs]
415
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,016
No, it's gonna fit.
416
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,269
It's gonna fit.
It's gonna fall out a couple times.
417
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,188
[audience laughs]
418
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:29,983
No, the screaming phase is about done.
419
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,402
We moved in together,
so that's when that ends.
420
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:36,115
Once you... Before you live together,
sex is like, "Yeah, fuck me, meh."
421
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:39,827
Once you move in together,
sex slowly becomes just,
422
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:43,539
some lady laying on a bed
next to a pile of unfolded laundry, just...
423
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:47,668
[inhales rhythmically]
424
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,129
"Ow, you're on my hair!"
425
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,214
[audience laughs]
426
00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:59,596
No, we live together now. My girlfriend
moved in with me, so we have sex and, uh...
427
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:03,392
As soon as we're done having sex,
I wish that she would fucking evaporate.
428
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:06,520
- [audience laughs]
- I'm frightened. [chuckling]
429
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,025
No, who would know? You guys are right,
I hate playing Xbox by myself, dude.
430
00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:14,236
- [audience laughs]
- What the fuck?
431
00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:16,780
[sarcastically] I love having her around
all the time.
432
00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:19,199
Fucking turning on lights.
433
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,996
Asking me to hang out.
434
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,080
"No."
435
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,332
[audience laughs]
436
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:30,210
No, we hang out. I'm just not used to it.
I'm not used to...
437
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:32,379
I'm not used to hanging out
with a woman all the time.
438
00:19:32,462 --> 00:19:36,300
I'm not used to hanging out with women.
I don't have any female friends.
439
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:38,594
I'm more of a
having-a-good-time type of guy.
440
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:40,179
- You know?
- [audience laughs]
441
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:43,765
I don't even know what women do for fun.
Fucking fold shit, or something like that?
442
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,767
[audience laughs]
443
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,604
Huh? [chuckles]
444
00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:51,273
Look, I know that's not
the best joke of all time.
445
00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:55,611
From your seats,
that's not the most well-crafted joke.
446
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,446
"What do women do? Fold shit?"
447
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:01,450
But from up here, from up here,
it's a very, very funny joke.
448
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:05,746
I get to say something as dumb as,
"What do women do? Fold shit?"
449
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:08,832
And look out and see
about 15 different women going...
450
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:10,876
[audience laughs]
451
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:12,085
[laughs]
452
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:14,213
I understand, most of the women here
453
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,590
are girlfriends
that were dragged to this show,
454
00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:19,593
that already don't like me
'cause every time they're in their car,
455
00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:22,137
their boyfriends are like,
"Listen to this part of the podcast."
456
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,972
[audience laughs]
457
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,307
- Yeah.
- [audience cheers]
458
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:26,683
I'm aware.
459
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:30,812
[audience cheering]
460
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,315
And now... And now those women are here,
461
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:36,401
and the show is going
exactly how they knew it was gonna go.
462
00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:40,280
Some dumb ogre on stage like,
"Women are dumb, ah!"
463
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,825
So, no, I appreciate it. I appreciate you.
464
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:45,577
Sweet angels.
465
00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:51,541
I found this out
from hanging out with my girlfriend, uh...
466
00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:54,086
I didn't know that women...
women watch porn now.
467
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:55,754
[audience member] Whoo!
468
00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:58,382
- Shame! What's that? [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
469
00:20:58,465 --> 00:20:59,508
No, I'm sorry.
470
00:21:00,175 --> 00:21:01,426
I'll say this about that.
471
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:05,389
I think women watching porn
is having a negative effect on all of us.
472
00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:08,934
You know what I mean? We can't both
473
00:21:10,018 --> 00:21:12,604
come into the bedroom
thinking we can fuck like that.
474
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:16,358
Have you fucked someone lately?
Everyone thinks they're in a porn, dude.
475
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:19,069
Every time you fuck a lady,
she's all... [makes guttural noises]
476
00:21:19,152 --> 00:21:21,822
Every dude's like... [makes dumb noises]
477
00:21:22,489 --> 00:21:24,283
Everyone... What are we doing? Stop.
478
00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:27,452
Belly-to-belly is pretty good.
It feels the same.
479
00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:29,663
[audience laughs]
480
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:33,417
Everyone thinks they're a porn star.
You're not, dude, those are professionals.
481
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,585
You're not good enough to fuck like that.
482
00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:39,298
First off, if you're a dude
and you're good at sex,
483
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:40,340
that's gay.
484
00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:42,843
[audience laughs]
485
00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:47,931
I hate to break it to you, dude,
that's a girl quality.
486
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:54,730
Now, I'm not... I'm not sayin' it's bad.
487
00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:58,400
I'm saying it was bad enough already
when it was just men watching porn,
488
00:21:58,483 --> 00:22:00,819
coming into the bedroom
with fucking ideas.
489
00:22:01,695 --> 00:22:02,821
From shit... Know what I mean?
490
00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:05,782
It was bad enough when it was just me,
coming in there, just...
491
00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:07,784
- [grunts]
- [audience laughs]
492
00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:10,620
[straining] "I watched
a squirt tutorial earlier."
493
00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:12,581
[audience laughs]
494
00:22:13,623 --> 00:22:16,710
She's like, "I can't squirt."
Like, "You all can squirt, actually."
495
00:22:19,129 --> 00:22:22,507
Some girl just forces herself to pee
to get you to stop doing it.
496
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:26,011
It's like, "You did it, baby."
"Yeah, obviously I did it."
497
00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:32,684
Yeah, you can't do the cool moves
you see in porn. Just have regular...
498
00:22:33,393 --> 00:22:35,020
Just do regular. You don't have to...
499
00:22:35,103 --> 00:22:36,813
You ever try 'em? You ever think you can?
500
00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:39,483
You ever try to, like,
cum in a girl's face?
501
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:43,695
Not as cool...
They're a lot less receptive in real life.
502
00:22:43,779 --> 00:22:46,990
That's... That whole process
is a fucking nightmare, dude.
503
00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:48,450
It's a disaster.
504
00:22:48,533 --> 00:22:51,370
It's just you,
the girl you love is down there...
505
00:22:52,329 --> 00:22:54,956
You've been begging her
for three months to try this.
506
00:22:55,582 --> 00:22:58,126
Finally she's like, "Yeah, you can do it."
You're like, "Yes!"
507
00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:00,670
"It'll be just like
the videos I watch every day,
508
00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:02,005
that's my favorite part..."
509
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:06,760
Now you get to do it.
You think it's gonna be awesome.
510
00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:08,470
It's not.
511
00:23:09,304 --> 00:23:11,556
It's just you up there, alone.
512
00:23:12,849 --> 00:23:14,142
It's cold...
513
00:23:15,769 --> 00:23:17,187
[coughing]
514
00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:19,022
[laughs]
515
00:23:19,106 --> 00:23:22,025
She's at... She's being nice.
She's like, "Are you okay?"
516
00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:25,821
Now you can feel it.
"Alright, here it comes."
517
00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:28,365
"This is gonna be awesome.
She's gonna love this."
518
00:23:28,865 --> 00:23:30,117
As soon as it hits her...
519
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,786
[audience laughs]
520
00:23:32,869 --> 00:23:34,162
They freeze.
521
00:23:35,831 --> 00:23:38,625
And then once it's on 'em,
they, like, don't know how to move.
522
00:23:38,708 --> 00:23:40,710
Know what I mean?
Like, you ever put socks on a cat?
523
00:23:40,794 --> 00:23:43,797
[audience laughs]
524
00:23:45,632 --> 00:23:48,885
You feel bad 'cause the cum's out of you
and you realize what you've done.
525
00:23:50,595 --> 00:23:54,224
You feel terrible, you've got a fucking...
You gotta pick her up off the ground.
526
00:23:54,307 --> 00:23:56,309
I feel like, the same energy
as when a toddler falls,
527
00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:58,061
like, "Come here,
get up, you're all right."
528
00:23:58,145 --> 00:23:59,563
"You're all right!"
529
00:23:59,646 --> 00:24:01,565
[scattered applause]
530
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:03,942
We'll never do it again.
531
00:24:05,068 --> 00:24:07,070
[audience cheering]
532
00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:11,992
[laughs]
533
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:13,702
Yes.
534
00:24:15,203 --> 00:24:17,497
Alright, enough of this cum talk.
535
00:24:19,124 --> 00:24:22,127
I'll tell you.
This was making me laugh. I was on, uh...
536
00:24:22,210 --> 00:24:24,254
I was on Twitter
and I saw a picture of this guy,
537
00:24:24,337 --> 00:24:26,381
and he was... he was
retiring from the military,
538
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:27,466
and when he retired,
539
00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:31,511
he posted a picture of himself,
full military uniform, all of his medals,
540
00:24:31,595 --> 00:24:35,098
but he was wearing a, uh, furry mask,
like a sexual dog mask.
541
00:24:35,182 --> 00:24:36,183
[man] Yeah!
542
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:40,020
And he posted it, "Now that I'm retiring
from the military, I can come out and say
543
00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:42,731
I've been into puppy play
this entire time."
544
00:24:43,398 --> 00:24:45,775
And he tweeted it, he said,
"Officer Bow-wow out."
545
00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:49,779
He said... He said like, "
546
00:24:51,239 --> 00:24:52,240
It was rough.
547
00:24:52,741 --> 00:24:54,993
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
548
00:24:55,076 --> 00:24:56,786
For real, that was on X. [laughs]
549
00:24:57,996 --> 00:24:58,997
But he tweeted it,
550
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:01,625
so of course, Russia and China's Twitter,
they got ahold of it,
551
00:25:01,708 --> 00:25:03,084
they started talking shit.
552
00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:06,671
They were like, "Look at our military,
a bunch of jacked, skinhead dudes."
553
00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:08,465
"Then look at America's military,
554
00:25:08,548 --> 00:25:11,176
there's, like, transgender people,
the dog general..."
555
00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:14,095
[audience laughs]
556
00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:15,764
They're making fun of us. Making memes.
557
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:18,225
They're like, "Look how tough
and masculine our army is."
558
00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:21,102
"Look how weak and gay America is."
559
00:25:21,978 --> 00:25:24,147
But I was looking at the pictures
and I was like...
560
00:25:24,856 --> 00:25:28,068
"Dog general is the scariest soldier
I've ever fucking..."
561
00:25:28,151 --> 00:25:31,154
I've never imagined in my...
Dude, just some sexual freak,
562
00:25:31,738 --> 00:25:34,741
operating drones,
that thinks he's a fucking dog? Just...
563
00:25:35,325 --> 00:25:37,077
[howling]
564
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,578
[laughing] Whoa.
565
00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:41,039
You know how fucking scary that guy is?
566
00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:42,958
Deleting villages.
567
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:44,834
[howling]
568
00:25:44,918 --> 00:25:46,169
[laughs]
569
00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:47,712
That guy's terrifying.
570
00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:52,926
The gayer the army, the scarier.
Forever, dude, throughout history.
571
00:25:53,009 --> 00:25:55,762
Think of any army throughout history,
imagine them gay.
572
00:25:56,429 --> 00:25:57,764
[audience member] Nazis!
573
00:25:57,847 --> 00:25:58,974
Gay Nazis?
574
00:26:00,517 --> 00:26:03,603
Just when you thought those guys
couldn't look any sharper, they...
575
00:26:03,687 --> 00:26:05,981
[audience laughs]
576
00:26:07,607 --> 00:26:08,692
Gay Vikings?
577
00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:11,486
Gay Vikings, dude.
578
00:26:12,445 --> 00:26:15,657
You're just some villager,
looking out on the shoreline.
579
00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:17,701
See a bunch of Viking longships coming.
580
00:26:18,285 --> 00:26:19,411
You're like, "Oh, no."
581
00:26:20,203 --> 00:26:21,329
"It's the Vikings."
582
00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:24,207
"They're gonna rape
our wives and daughters."
583
00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:28,461
Then they pull up
their fucking rainbow flag on their boat,
584
00:26:28,545 --> 00:26:29,838
and they're just like...
585
00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:31,256
"Oh, fuck!"
586
00:26:31,339 --> 00:26:33,758
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
587
00:26:33,842 --> 00:26:35,510
"Oh, that's way worse!"
588
00:26:40,348 --> 00:26:41,558
[Shane chuckles]
589
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,187
I like history. [chuckles]
590
00:26:46,688 --> 00:26:48,356
I'm a bit of a history buff.
591
00:26:49,149 --> 00:26:51,985
Which, by the way,
that is early onset Republican.
592
00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:55,697
That's very...
It's a very serious warning sign.
593
00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:57,449
If you're a white dude in your 20s and 30s
594
00:26:57,532 --> 00:27:00,493
and you're like,
"I can't stop reading about World War II,"
595
00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:02,996
- it's coming, brother, you might...
- [audience laughs]
596
00:27:03,079 --> 00:27:06,708
You might not be Republican right now.
You might be young, cool and liberal.
597
00:27:06,791 --> 00:27:09,210
Might think you're safe. Dude, you're not.
598
00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:11,671
It doesn't happen overnight,
it takes time.
599
00:27:11,755 --> 00:27:14,466
It takes... You think your dad
wanted to be Republican?
600
00:27:14,549 --> 00:27:18,261
That he got out of high school and like,
"Time to be a prick about everything."
601
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:20,930
- [audience laughs]
- No, dude, it takes time.
602
00:27:21,514 --> 00:27:24,559
I'm not a Republican right now,
but I can feel it. It grows.
603
00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:27,937
"Ugh." I've gotta fight it. Every day.
604
00:27:28,021 --> 00:27:29,522
Like a fucking werewolf.
605
00:27:29,606 --> 00:27:32,984
[audience laughs]
606
00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:35,195
I'll just be watching TV, out of nowhere...
607
00:27:35,278 --> 00:27:37,405
"Ah, why are Black guys
in every commercial?"
608
00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:39,699
[audience laughs]
609
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:47,582
"Mermaids are white!"
610
00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:50,251
[audience laughs]
611
00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:52,671
"I'm 35, that's important to me!"
612
00:27:55,632 --> 00:27:57,384
[laughs]
613
00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:00,387
They are white, and...
614
00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:03,056
[all laughing]
615
00:28:03,139 --> 00:28:05,016
I'm not joking on that one. [laughs]
616
00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:08,436
No, I like history, so it's coming.
617
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:11,147
I'm not a Republican now, but it's coming.
There's no...
618
00:28:11,231 --> 00:28:12,148
When I'm on the road...
619
00:28:12,232 --> 00:28:15,068
I travel every fucking weekend,
there's nothing to do during the day.
620
00:28:15,151 --> 00:28:18,154
At night you do standup.
During the day, I travel every weekend.
621
00:28:18,238 --> 00:28:21,366
Sometimes I like to visit, like,
historical places throughout the country.
622
00:28:21,449 --> 00:28:23,076
- [man chuckles]
- A couple summers ago...
623
00:28:23,159 --> 00:28:25,286
- Don't laugh at that.
- [audience laughs]
624
00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:27,288
Shut up, dude, it's not lame at all.
625
00:28:27,372 --> 00:28:28,957
[audience laughs]
626
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:30,625
What the fuck...
627
00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:33,211
Guy just laughed at me from the balcony...
628
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:34,629
"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
629
00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:37,048
"Dork!" [chuckles]
630
00:28:37,924 --> 00:28:39,926
So, a couple of summers ago,
I was in Washington DC,
631
00:28:40,009 --> 00:28:41,803
and I went
and I visited, uh, Mount Vernon.
632
00:28:41,886 --> 00:28:44,305
I went and I visited
George Washington's house.
633
00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:47,600
Uh, turns out,
it was George Washington's plantation.
634
00:28:47,684 --> 00:28:49,018
[audience laughs]
635
00:28:49,102 --> 00:28:51,062
"Ah! Shucks!"
636
00:28:51,146 --> 00:28:52,522
[giggles]
637
00:28:52,605 --> 00:28:55,442
I get... I'm the only one there.
It was the first summer during COVID,
638
00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:56,860
I'm the only visitor there.
639
00:28:56,943 --> 00:28:58,945
It's me... And if you've been there before,
640
00:28:59,028 --> 00:29:01,823
it's 15 reenactors
that don't break character.
641
00:29:01,906 --> 00:29:04,951
They stay... Everyone else was in the 1700s.
642
00:29:05,034 --> 00:29:06,327
I was the only guy there.
643
00:29:06,953 --> 00:29:10,623
Like, I signed up for the tour,
and my tour guide was Martha Washington.
644
00:29:11,624 --> 00:29:13,501
It wasn't her, it was some fat bitch.
645
00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:15,253
[audience laughs]
646
00:29:15,336 --> 00:29:16,713
I saw right through it.
647
00:29:19,257 --> 00:29:24,012
I signed up for the tour, so me and Martha
have to hang out together for 15 minutes
648
00:29:24,095 --> 00:29:27,599
to see if anybody else signs up for, like,
the three o'clock tour or whatever.
649
00:29:27,682 --> 00:29:28,767
Of course they don't.
650
00:29:29,559 --> 00:29:31,060
I gotta make small talk with a woman
651
00:29:31,144 --> 00:29:33,772
that won't stop pretending to be
from the 1700s.
652
00:29:33,855 --> 00:29:35,482
It's fucking insane. What do you say?
653
00:29:35,565 --> 00:29:38,651
I was just out there with her like,
"Where's George Washington?"
654
00:29:38,735 --> 00:29:39,944
[audience laughs]
655
00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:41,529
She's like, "Oh, the General?"
656
00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:43,490
"He won't be joining us today."
657
00:29:43,573 --> 00:29:45,700
"He's in his chambers,
it's just you and I."
658
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:46,618
I was like...
659
00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:50,079
- "What, are you..." [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
660
00:29:50,163 --> 00:29:53,208
- "You tryin' to fuck me...?"
- [audience laughs]
661
00:29:55,335 --> 00:29:57,545
Never broke... No one broke cha... I...
662
00:29:57,629 --> 00:29:59,839
Enough time's gone by,
I've had enough to think about
663
00:29:59,923 --> 00:30:01,883
why nobody would break character
while I was there.
664
00:30:01,966 --> 00:30:05,261
And for real, I'm certain they thought
I was a special needs man.
665
00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:06,221
[audience laughs]
666
00:30:06,304 --> 00:30:10,266
Like, they all got together and were like,
"It's obviously a big day for this guy."
667
00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:13,019
"Nobody break character,
let's make it magic for him."
668
00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:16,940
Like, they watched me
park my car when I got there.
669
00:30:17,023 --> 00:30:18,858
And when I got out they were like, "Oh."
670
00:30:18,942 --> 00:30:20,401
[audience laughs]
671
00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:22,153
"One of the driving ones. Look at him."
672
00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:24,197
[audience laughs]
673
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:27,867
It was also during COVID
and the mask did not do me any favors.
674
00:30:28,535 --> 00:30:32,205
You can always see my eyes,
I got the eyes for it. It was sunny out...
675
00:30:32,288 --> 00:30:36,668
[audience laughs]
676
00:30:36,751 --> 00:30:39,671
It also... It also didn't help
I walked up to my tour guide like,
677
00:30:39,754 --> 00:30:41,172
"Where's George Washington?"
678
00:30:41,256 --> 00:30:43,466
[audience laughs]
679
00:30:44,759 --> 00:30:47,846
She's like, "Oh, you're a big guy!"
I was like, "Yeah..."
680
00:30:48,471 --> 00:30:49,597
[chuckles]
681
00:30:52,016 --> 00:30:53,101
So, me and Martha...
682
00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:57,438
Me and Martha go in for the tour.
683
00:30:58,189 --> 00:31:02,193
Due to COVID restrictions at the time,
we were not allowed to speak indoors.
684
00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:06,114
All right? So for $36,
685
00:31:06,197 --> 00:31:09,409
me and a woman
dressed like Martha Washington
686
00:31:10,159 --> 00:31:13,371
fucking dead silently walked through...
For a full hour.
687
00:31:13,454 --> 00:31:16,916
You need to be able to talk for this tour
to have any value at all.
688
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:19,836
There's nothing to read in there,
it's just old chairs and shit.
689
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:23,548
Me and this lady went room to room
for an hour and this was the tour.
690
00:31:24,632 --> 00:31:27,218
[audience laughs]
691
00:31:30,346 --> 00:31:32,265
I was in the corner of every room, just...
692
00:31:33,516 --> 00:31:34,601
"I'm not gettin' it."
693
00:31:35,810 --> 00:31:38,271
We get outside and she's like,
"Do you have any questions?"
694
00:31:38,354 --> 00:31:41,149
"Yeah, what the fuck was that?
What was that?"
695
00:31:41,232 --> 00:31:42,734
"What'd you and me just do?"
696
00:31:45,528 --> 00:31:48,239
So that was the end of me and Martha.
I go off by myself.
697
00:31:48,323 --> 00:31:49,741
I started looking around.
698
00:31:49,824 --> 00:31:51,868
Like I said,
it was the first summer during COVID.
699
00:31:51,951 --> 00:31:54,078
Alright? So we're in the middle, you know,
700
00:31:54,162 --> 00:31:56,414
we're in the middle
of tearing-down-statue season.
701
00:31:59,792 --> 00:32:03,004
And I was at the Founding Fathers'
plantation during all of that.
702
00:32:03,671 --> 00:32:05,882
So I wanted to check out
the slave quarters.
703
00:32:08,509 --> 00:32:10,595
Wanted to see what all the fuss was!
704
00:32:10,678 --> 00:32:13,306
[audience laughs]
705
00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:17,101
Uh-huh! No, whatever. Fuck you, guys.
What'd you guys do?
706
00:32:17,185 --> 00:32:19,187
- [audience laughs]
- What'd you guys do that summer?
707
00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:21,564
Fuckin' post black squares
on your Instagram?
708
00:32:22,398 --> 00:32:23,483
Is that what you did?
709
00:32:23,566 --> 00:32:24,734
[audience cheering]
710
00:32:24,817 --> 00:32:26,152
How dare you judge me?
711
00:32:27,236 --> 00:32:28,613
How dare... I was there.
712
00:32:29,572 --> 00:32:32,325
Boots on the ground
at a Founding Fathers' plantation.
713
00:32:33,368 --> 00:32:35,578
Growing. Learning as a white... Becoming...
714
00:32:35,662 --> 00:32:36,496
[all laughing]
715
00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:42,043
For real, though, I was in there,
in George Washington's slave quarters.
716
00:32:42,126 --> 00:32:45,880
The first thing you do when you walk
to Washington's slave quarters, is you go,
717
00:32:45,964 --> 00:32:47,840
- "Ooh."
- [audience laughs]
718
00:32:47,924 --> 00:32:50,468
Somehow worse
than I thought they were gonna be.
719
00:32:50,551 --> 00:32:53,012
It's rough, dude.
That guy had a fucking dungeon.
720
00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:56,224
For real. You didn't know?
And I'm in there,
721
00:32:56,307 --> 00:32:58,017
and I'm by myself, and I'm like...
722
00:32:58,101 --> 00:33:00,478
Remember that time was
a tense fucking time in this country,
723
00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:03,231
and I'm there by myself,
like, "Jesus fucking Christ."
724
00:33:03,898 --> 00:33:06,859
And then I hear some footsteps
coming down the path behind me.
725
00:33:06,943 --> 00:33:09,696
And now,
blocking the only exit of the room
726
00:33:09,779 --> 00:33:12,073
was a slave reenactor...
727
00:33:14,951 --> 00:33:17,954
They have those there.
And he did not break character.
728
00:33:18,037 --> 00:33:20,331
I turned around, he was like,
"Oh, well, hello there, sir."
729
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:21,666
I was like...
730
00:33:21,749 --> 00:33:24,585
"Jesus Christ, dude, please,
you don't have to do the character."
731
00:33:25,211 --> 00:33:27,964
"I'd give anything
for you to not do that character."
732
00:33:28,047 --> 00:33:29,173
[chuckles]
733
00:33:29,257 --> 00:33:30,091
He didn't break.
734
00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:33,261
He was like, "Look at those clothes,
you must be from the future."
735
00:33:33,344 --> 00:33:34,929
"Hello, time traveler."
736
00:33:35,763 --> 00:33:38,433
I was like, "I'm from right now.
What are you doing out? Come here!"
737
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,019
[audience laughs]
738
00:33:41,102 --> 00:33:44,147
No, I did not say that.
Obviously I didn't fucking say that.
739
00:33:45,148 --> 00:33:46,858
I didn't say a word, I was frozen.
740
00:33:47,775 --> 00:33:50,778
I was paralyzed with white guilt.
I didn't say a word. I was just...
741
00:33:52,363 --> 00:33:54,032
And he knew what he was doing.
742
00:33:54,115 --> 00:33:55,700
For real, he knew what he was doing.
743
00:33:55,783 --> 00:33:57,952
He wasn't giving me
the George Washington tour.
744
00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:00,538
He was just drilling me with shit
I didn't want to hear.
745
00:34:00,621 --> 00:34:03,166
He was hitting me with white...
You remember that time. Tense time.
746
00:34:03,249 --> 00:34:05,126
That guy walks in there and sees me...
747
00:34:05,209 --> 00:34:06,210
I know what I look like.
748
00:34:07,211 --> 00:34:10,548
I know exactly... I got, you know...
I've got the body type of a guy who says,
749
00:34:10,631 --> 00:34:13,634
"Let's see the rest of the bodycam footage
before we jump to any conclusions."
750
00:34:13,718 --> 00:34:15,011
[all laughing]
751
00:34:15,094 --> 00:34:16,345
I know what I look like.
752
00:34:18,139 --> 00:34:22,060
He wasn't giving me the Washington tour.
He was just telling me fucked up shit.
753
00:34:22,143 --> 00:34:23,561
He was talking about other people.
754
00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:26,564
"Thomas Jefferson had about
six slave children of his own."
755
00:34:26,647 --> 00:34:29,817
"He only freed two of his own children
during his lifetime." I was like,
756
00:34:29,901 --> 00:34:31,194
"Jesus Christ..."
757
00:34:31,861 --> 00:34:32,904
Isn't that a bummer?
758
00:34:32,987 --> 00:34:35,782
Thomas Jefferson literally enslaved
some of his own children?
759
00:34:36,616 --> 00:34:37,450
"Eh..."
760
00:34:37,533 --> 00:34:39,327
Yeah. Now you know how I felt, dude.
761
00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:41,996
I was getting fucking drilled
with this information.
762
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:44,582
That's when I started
playing possum a little bit.
763
00:34:44,665 --> 00:34:46,751
I was like,
"Maybe I am a special needs guy."
764
00:34:46,834 --> 00:34:48,961
[audience laughs]
765
00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:52,131
So he was hitting me with
the fucking white guilt facts, I was...
766
00:34:52,215 --> 00:34:55,009
[audience laughs]
767
00:34:57,053 --> 00:34:59,472
And it was a battle, dude,
it was like two wizards fighting.
768
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:01,557
[audience laughs]
769
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:08,439
Finally I won by just lowering my mask.
He was mid-range. I just...
770
00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:09,732
[audience laughs]
771
00:35:09,816 --> 00:35:11,984
"Oh, shit. My bad, brother." He fuckin'...
772
00:35:14,612 --> 00:35:15,530
And he let me go.
773
00:35:17,448 --> 00:35:18,282
He freed me.
774
00:35:21,202 --> 00:35:24,330
I went to the George Washington Museum.
There's a museum there.
775
00:35:24,413 --> 00:35:27,625
As soon as you walk into that museum,
they start pumping up George.
776
00:35:27,708 --> 00:35:30,294
You walk in, they're like,
"George Washington was a great man."
777
00:35:30,378 --> 00:35:31,420
And you're like...
778
00:35:31,504 --> 00:35:32,880
[audience laughs]
779
00:35:32,964 --> 00:35:34,549
"I just came from his dungeon."
780
00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:35,716
[audience laughs]
781
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,260
"But you know, I'm American."
782
00:35:37,343 --> 00:35:39,595
"I'll forget about
that part of his history."
783
00:35:39,679 --> 00:35:41,472
"What else did he do?" You know?
784
00:35:41,556 --> 00:35:44,684
"We're not gonna let human trafficking
define these guys, are we?"
785
00:35:46,185 --> 00:35:47,812
"Huh?" [laughs]
786
00:35:49,522 --> 00:35:50,857
I don't know. Anyway...
787
00:35:51,941 --> 00:35:54,360
I was in there.
I was going through the museum.
788
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:57,405
I'll admit, I still had...
I had girl brain towards George,
789
00:35:58,030 --> 00:35:59,031
from what I'd seen.
790
00:35:59,615 --> 00:36:00,783
I was still mad at him.
791
00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:04,078
I was going through the museum like,
"George Washington, fucking asshole."
792
00:36:04,162 --> 00:36:06,247
[audience laughs]
793
00:36:06,330 --> 00:36:08,207
Like, "George Washington had red hair."
794
00:36:08,291 --> 00:36:10,501
- I was like, "Ugly bitch."
- [audience laughs]
795
00:36:10,585 --> 00:36:12,628
I was trying to be cool and liberal.
796
00:36:13,254 --> 00:36:14,255
And hate him.
797
00:36:15,089 --> 00:36:18,217
I couldn't do it, dude. They started
pumping up George, it got me going.
798
00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:21,053
[chuckles]
799
00:36:21,137 --> 00:36:23,931
Going through the museum, they're like,
"George Washington was 6'2".
800
00:36:24,015 --> 00:36:25,099
I was like, "Nice."
801
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:27,435
[audience laughs]
802
00:36:27,518 --> 00:36:30,354
"He could never tell a lie."
I was like, "This guy's unbelievable."
803
00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:31,647
[audience laughs]
804
00:36:31,731 --> 00:36:36,402
"He single-handedly defeated the British."
At this point, I'm back. [laughs]
805
00:36:36,485 --> 00:36:38,070
Naw, dude, I'm worse.
806
00:36:38,154 --> 00:36:41,490
"Nobody better touch my statues.
I love statues."
807
00:36:41,574 --> 00:36:43,993
"I'm ready to get on Facebook,
defend Rittenhouse,
808
00:36:44,076 --> 00:36:45,203
whatever I need to do..."
809
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,287
[audience laughing]
810
00:36:46,370 --> 00:36:48,539
"...to help this country get better."
811
00:36:51,083 --> 00:36:54,629
I'm back, 100%. Love America.
Love George Washington.
812
00:36:54,712 --> 00:36:56,130
Then you get to the end of the tour,
813
00:36:56,214 --> 00:36:58,132
and the last thing you see
on the Washington tour
814
00:36:58,216 --> 00:37:00,843
is George Washington's teeth, in a case.
815
00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:04,263
If you... You know, the myth is,
George Washington had wooden teeth.
816
00:37:04,347 --> 00:37:06,557
Turns out, George Washington had...
817
00:37:06,641 --> 00:37:08,392
It was ivory and lead dentures,
818
00:37:08,476 --> 00:37:11,646
with horse and cow teeth on the top row,
819
00:37:11,729 --> 00:37:14,148
and human slave teeth on the bottom row.
820
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:16,067
[audience murmurs]
821
00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:17,193
"Uh..."
822
00:37:17,276 --> 00:37:19,946
"What the fuck..." That's it.
That's how the tour ends.
823
00:37:20,029 --> 00:37:22,490
You're gonna walk outside
to a hot sunny parking lot, like,
824
00:37:22,573 --> 00:37:25,368
- "What the fuck was that at the end?"
- [audience laughs]
825
00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:29,038
Also, lead with the teeth.
Show me the teeth right away, dude.
826
00:37:29,121 --> 00:37:31,749
Don't make me love
George Washington for two hours,
827
00:37:31,832 --> 00:37:34,210
and then at the very end be like,
"Wanna see some wild shit?"
828
00:37:34,293 --> 00:37:35,503
- Like...
- [all laughing]
829
00:37:37,630 --> 00:37:41,092
And once you see his teeth,
every story about him makes perfect sense.
830
00:37:41,801 --> 00:37:43,594
Like, "He was a man of few words."
831
00:37:43,678 --> 00:37:46,013
It's like, yeah, dude,
he had fucking donkey teeth...
832
00:37:46,097 --> 00:37:47,265
[all laughing]
833
00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:49,058
Had lead in his mouth for a decade.
834
00:37:49,141 --> 00:37:50,935
You can't keep
lead in your mouth for a decade.
835
00:37:51,018 --> 00:37:54,188
That would give you... for real,
like, rabies-like symptoms.
836
00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:55,648
You'd be like, "Argh."
837
00:37:56,857 --> 00:37:58,734
Like, "I can't believe
we defeated the British."
838
00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:00,278
I know how we did it.
839
00:38:00,361 --> 00:38:03,406
We had a fucking six foot two,
redheaded retarded guy...
840
00:38:03,489 --> 00:38:04,991
[audience laughs]
841
00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:08,202
...out in the woods, just waiting
for those motherfuckers, dude.
842
00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:11,664
Six-two in 1770,
that's like six-ten today.
843
00:38:11,747 --> 00:38:15,042
- [audience laughing]
- Red hair, horse teeth, a sword, just...
844
00:38:15,126 --> 00:38:17,295
[yells]
845
00:38:18,045 --> 00:38:19,797
"You wanna tax me, motherfucker?!"
846
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:21,590
[audience laughs]
847
00:38:21,674 --> 00:38:25,219
You know how terrifying that guy was,
coming out of the woods like, "Aaah!"
848
00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:27,471
And some five-foot British guy, "Oh!"
849
00:38:27,555 --> 00:38:29,390
[audience laughs]
850
00:38:29,473 --> 00:38:31,058
"Run, it's George!"
851
00:38:33,019 --> 00:38:35,604
You ever seen that painting of George
crossing the Delaware?
852
00:38:35,688 --> 00:38:38,024
Standing.
He's the only one standing on the rowboat.
853
00:38:38,107 --> 00:38:40,776
Everyone else is like,
"George, you gotta get down." [laughing]
854
00:38:40,860 --> 00:38:42,361
"They're over there, get 'em!"
855
00:38:42,445 --> 00:38:44,405
[audience laughs]
856
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:48,075
Know what happened that day
when George crossed the Delaware?
857
00:38:48,159 --> 00:38:50,911
It was Christmas day,
and, uh, it was a bit of a massacre,
858
00:38:50,995 --> 00:38:53,205
because George caught
the British off-guard,
859
00:38:53,289 --> 00:38:56,751
because, uh, the British
absolutely correctly assumed...
860
00:38:56,834 --> 00:39:00,129
They were like, "Only a retarded guy
is gonna try to cross... [laughs]
861
00:39:00,212 --> 00:39:02,214
...this icy river today in a rowboat."
862
00:39:04,383 --> 00:39:07,428
Fortunately for them, our first president
was on the other side of that river.
863
00:39:07,511 --> 00:39:08,929
[audience laughs]
864
00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:12,183
He's like, "Get in the boat,
we gotta kill these motherfuckers..."
865
00:39:12,266 --> 00:39:14,268
[audience laughing]
866
00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:19,398
I know I said "retarded" there
a couple of times.
867
00:39:20,066 --> 00:39:21,067
My bad on that.
868
00:39:21,150 --> 00:39:23,152
[audience laughs]
869
00:39:23,778 --> 00:39:27,114
I'm not trying to give myself a pass
on being able to use that word.
870
00:39:27,823 --> 00:39:30,576
But I will say, I don't know
if you can tell by looking at me,
871
00:39:31,285 --> 00:39:33,496
I do have family members
with Down syndrome.
872
00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:36,832
It almost got me, I'm...
873
00:39:36,916 --> 00:39:38,000
[audience laughs]
874
00:39:38,084 --> 00:39:40,586
I dodged it,
but it nicked me, it nicked me.
875
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:43,547
Bit of a daywalker myself.
876
00:39:43,631 --> 00:39:45,674
- [audience laughs]
- Fuckin'... [laughs]
877
00:39:47,718 --> 00:39:49,011
When you bring up Down syndrome,
878
00:39:49,095 --> 00:39:52,181
you can always tell
who's never been around it in their lives.
879
00:39:52,264 --> 00:39:55,601
If I tell people, like, "I have
family members with Down syndrome,"
880
00:39:55,684 --> 00:39:58,020
people that've never been
around it are always like, "Oh."
881
00:39:58,854 --> 00:40:01,857
Like Down syndrome is
the fucking end of the world. Like, "Oh."
882
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:03,359
"Are they okay?"
883
00:40:03,442 --> 00:40:04,819
"Your fa... Are they doing okay?"
884
00:40:04,902 --> 00:40:07,822
It's like, they're doing better
than everybody I know.
885
00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:11,367
They're the only dudes I know
having a good time pretty consistently.
886
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:15,746
Sorry they're not on fucking Adderall
and anti-anxiety like the rest of us.
887
00:40:15,830 --> 00:40:17,665
They're on fucking Capri-Suns...
888
00:40:17,748 --> 00:40:19,834
[audience laughs]
889
00:40:19,917 --> 00:40:20,918
...having a good time.
890
00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:21,919
My uncle Danny...
891
00:40:22,002 --> 00:40:25,339
My uncle Danny sneaks
grilled cheese sandwiches in restaurants,
892
00:40:25,423 --> 00:40:28,217
just in case they don't serve
grilled cheese sandwiches.
893
00:40:28,843 --> 00:40:31,637
We don't know where he's getttin'
these fucking things. It's the best.
894
00:40:31,720 --> 00:40:34,014
You'll be out to dinner with him,
you look across the table,
895
00:40:34,098 --> 00:40:36,100
you see him sneaking
a grilled cheese, just...
896
00:40:39,186 --> 00:40:41,439
"Hey, yo, where'd you get
that chee, Danny?"
897
00:40:43,274 --> 00:40:45,568
[audience laughs]
898
00:40:45,651 --> 00:40:48,988
His Dad's with him, like, "That fucker,
he's been making 'em at night, I know."
899
00:40:49,071 --> 00:40:50,197
[audience laughs]
900
00:40:50,781 --> 00:40:52,908
"I'm not making them at night, Dad."
901
00:40:52,992 --> 00:40:54,827
[audience laughs]
902
00:40:54,910 --> 00:40:56,829
Then he looks at you.
"I'm making them at night."
903
00:40:56,912 --> 00:40:59,707
[audience laughs]
904
00:40:59,790 --> 00:41:01,667
What's better than that, dude?
905
00:41:01,750 --> 00:41:03,002
What's better?
906
00:41:03,085 --> 00:41:05,671
[audience cheering]
907
00:41:05,754 --> 00:41:06,589
What's better...
908
00:41:06,672 --> 00:41:07,673
[cheering continues]
909
00:41:08,507 --> 00:41:10,092
What's better than Uncle Danny?
910
00:41:10,176 --> 00:41:11,927
Uncle Danny, 3:00 in the morning.
911
00:41:12,595 --> 00:41:13,512
Shirtless.
912
00:41:13,596 --> 00:41:14,638
[audience chuckling]
913
00:41:14,722 --> 00:41:16,098
Baggy gym shorts.
914
00:41:18,392 --> 00:41:21,479
Quietly. Secretly in his parents' kitchen.
915
00:41:22,229 --> 00:41:25,232
On a secret mission to make
ten grilled cheese sandwiches.
916
00:41:28,152 --> 00:41:30,654
[audience laughs]
917
00:41:31,363 --> 00:41:34,283
Every day, his dad comes down the stairs,
"Where's the fucking bread going?"
918
00:41:34,366 --> 00:41:36,285
[audience laughs]
919
00:41:36,368 --> 00:41:38,287
He's got eight sandwiches in a closet.
920
00:41:41,081 --> 00:41:42,208
"Don't go in my room!"
921
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:44,543
[audience laughs]
922
00:41:44,627 --> 00:41:46,086
Top. [chuckles]
923
00:41:47,796 --> 00:41:49,340
Down syndrome rules, you know?
924
00:41:50,466 --> 00:41:52,343
Obviously, that's not how you say it.
925
00:41:53,302 --> 00:41:56,347
You don't go around saying,
"Fucking Down syndrome rules."
926
00:41:56,430 --> 00:41:57,932
I'm saying it wrong. I'm not...
927
00:41:58,015 --> 00:42:00,476
I'm not discounting the fact
that it's hard for families, it is.
928
00:42:00,559 --> 00:42:02,978
I've witnessed it first hand.
It's difficult.
929
00:42:03,062 --> 00:42:05,481
It's fuckin'... It's scary.
It's very scary at first.
930
00:42:05,564 --> 00:42:10,236
And then you quickly realize that's easily
the only good family member... we have.
931
00:42:10,319 --> 00:42:12,446
That's the only good person I know.
932
00:42:12,530 --> 00:42:14,865
They're the bros, dude,
they're the perfect br... They...
933
00:42:15,866 --> 00:42:18,244
They love two things, dude.
They love John Cena.
934
00:42:18,327 --> 00:42:20,496
- [audience laughs]
- Across the board.
935
00:42:20,579 --> 00:42:22,998
Dude, you see one of these dudes
out in public, hit 'em with a...
936
00:42:23,082 --> 00:42:26,252
[audience laughs]
937
00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:28,504
They're gonna give it back, they love him.
938
00:42:30,923 --> 00:42:32,049
And they love tits.
939
00:42:32,132 --> 00:42:33,968
[audience laughs]
940
00:42:34,051 --> 00:42:35,427
Dudes with Down syndrome love tits,
941
00:42:35,511 --> 00:42:37,888
and it's a very uncomfortable truth
for a lot of people.
942
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:39,598
And I'm not sure why.
943
00:42:40,099 --> 00:42:41,058
Tits rule.
944
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:43,269
John Cena rules.
945
00:42:43,894 --> 00:42:45,688
It's kinda the two coolest things.
946
00:42:47,898 --> 00:42:49,066
But...
947
00:42:49,984 --> 00:42:52,695
This joke's probably
not gonna make it, but... [laughs]
948
00:42:52,778 --> 00:42:54,238
- [audience laughing]
- Here's what I...
949
00:42:54,321 --> 00:42:56,073
Hear this one out. I'm gonna try.
950
00:42:56,156 --> 00:42:58,742
If you see it,
just know I won an argument.
951
00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:00,578
[audience laughs]
952
00:43:00,661 --> 00:43:02,413
'Cause I think it's good, but alright.
953
00:43:04,498 --> 00:43:05,749
Dudes with Down syndrome
954
00:43:06,750 --> 00:43:08,502
love women so much,
955
00:43:09,753 --> 00:43:13,882
that, like, I've never been a believer
of being gay as a choice,
956
00:43:14,925 --> 00:43:19,888
but I will say, every dude I know
that can't think, fucking loves pussy...
957
00:43:19,972 --> 00:43:22,683
[audience laughs]
958
00:43:22,766 --> 00:43:24,560
[audience cheering]
959
00:43:24,643 --> 00:43:25,811
Alright. [chuckles]
960
00:43:25,894 --> 00:43:27,271
I guess it's a keeper.
961
00:43:27,354 --> 00:43:29,648
[audience cheering]
962
00:43:33,444 --> 00:43:36,196
- Alright, that's... that's the end of that.
- [audience laughs]
963
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:37,990
That's where that should end. Look.
964
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,994
I was talkin' earlier... I'm not...
I'm not a Republican yet, but I will say...
965
00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:46,999
I just wanna see... Like, for real,
I don't care if they arrest him,
966
00:43:47,082 --> 00:43:49,835
if he loses the Primary, I don't...
Let him debate, dude.
967
00:43:49,918 --> 00:43:51,253
Let him debate.
968
00:43:51,337 --> 00:43:53,047
All I wanna see is the debate.
969
00:43:53,130 --> 00:43:54,506
- [audience whistling]
- Dude.
970
00:43:54,590 --> 00:43:55,799
[audience cheering]
971
00:43:55,883 --> 00:43:58,052
I don't care, if he gets arrested,
972
00:43:58,135 --> 00:44:00,095
Hannibal Lecter him out
to the front, just...
973
00:44:00,179 --> 00:44:02,139
- [audience laughs]
- ...bring him on stage.
974
00:44:02,222 --> 00:44:04,391
Here's my idea. Final debate of the year.
975
00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:06,810
Have one Republican candidate,
one Democrat.
976
00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:09,605
Be like, "Alright, fellas,
surprise third guest tonight."
977
00:44:09,688 --> 00:44:10,648
[audience laughs]
978
00:44:10,731 --> 00:44:13,651
Fuckin' "Stone Cold" music,
the glass shatters.
979
00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:16,987
He walks out just...
[sucks teeth] "They're both gay."
980
00:44:17,071 --> 00:44:19,448
[audience laughs]
981
00:44:19,531 --> 00:44:21,200
I mean, see how they handle that.
982
00:44:23,077 --> 00:44:24,495
I think it's important to see
983
00:44:24,578 --> 00:44:26,705
how the candidates handle
that type of pressure
984
00:44:26,789 --> 00:44:30,125
of debating with Trump, dude, 'cause
none of them have been able to handle it.
985
00:44:30,209 --> 00:44:33,796
He literally... Every debate,
he just bullied whoever was up there.
986
00:44:33,879 --> 00:44:36,840
The only one who did pretty good
in the debates against him was Biden,
987
00:44:36,924 --> 00:44:39,593
just 'cause he had no fucking idea
what was being said.
988
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:40,511
[all laughing]
989
00:44:40,594 --> 00:44:42,846
Which actually helped him.
That worked out for him.
990
00:44:42,930 --> 00:44:45,599
'Cause Trump's whole thing is
he tries to get in the other guy's head.
991
00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:48,519
- You can't get in Joe's head.
- [audience laughs]
992
00:44:48,602 --> 00:44:50,688
"Joe's not in there. Good luck, dude."
993
00:44:50,771 --> 00:44:52,606
[audience laughs]
994
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:56,026
Biden...
Biden is Trump's kryptonite in a debate.
995
00:44:56,110 --> 00:44:57,403
He's literally perfect.
996
00:44:58,278 --> 00:45:00,531
He can't beat him, 'cause Trump's whole...
997
00:45:00,614 --> 00:45:04,410
Trump tries to drag the other guy into
a shit-talking contest where he will win.
998
00:45:04,493 --> 00:45:06,578
He will win at that.
He can't get Biden. He tries.
999
00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:09,123
Every debate he's trying so hard,
and Biden's just...
1000
00:45:09,623 --> 00:45:11,959
[audience laughs]
1001
00:45:12,793 --> 00:45:14,503
That's it the whole... He tries, he's just...
1002
00:45:14,586 --> 00:45:16,547
[imitates Trump, sucks teeth]
"You're a loser."
1003
00:45:17,172 --> 00:45:18,465
"Your son did crack."
1004
00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:19,967
And Biden's just...
1005
00:45:20,050 --> 00:45:22,261
- [imitates Biden] "What?" It's like...
- [audience laughs]
1006
00:45:22,344 --> 00:45:25,222
Right there, dude.
That's actually a pretty good comeback.
1007
00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:27,391
You might win this thing.
1008
00:45:30,227 --> 00:45:32,354
I miss it. I miss the speeches with Trump.
1009
00:45:32,855 --> 00:45:37,276
You remember that? We used to get
five speeches a day when he was in office.
1010
00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:40,946
Anytime you turned on the TV,
the guy was giving another fucking speech.
1011
00:45:41,029 --> 00:45:42,281
Live, dude.
1012
00:45:42,364 --> 00:45:45,576
Be in front of a helicopter, scream...
calling a lady a lesbian or something.
1013
00:45:45,659 --> 00:45:47,369
[audience laughs]
1014
00:45:47,453 --> 00:45:48,954
[groans uncertainly]
1015
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:51,081
This could be a tough one
to defend at work.
1016
00:45:51,165 --> 00:45:52,791
[audience laughs]
1017
00:45:52,875 --> 00:45:55,127
- But I'm gonna. [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
1018
00:45:57,671 --> 00:46:01,467
Now it's sad. Now with Biden we get,
like, one speech every three months.
1019
00:46:02,217 --> 00:46:04,636
And it's hard. He, like, falls and shit.
It's hard to watch.
1020
00:46:05,220 --> 00:46:08,140
It's sad. I'm rooting for the guy.
I obviously want things to go well.
1021
00:46:08,223 --> 00:46:10,601
But it's hard... to watch him do anything.
1022
00:46:10,684 --> 00:46:13,687
Anytime I watch Biden do anything,
I get the same feeling as like...
1023
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:16,273
Ever go to a friend's house
and they have, like, a 16-year-old dog
1024
00:46:16,356 --> 00:46:17,649
and it walks in the room?
1025
00:46:18,567 --> 00:46:21,278
And you gotta do that whole, like,
"Oh, hey, there he is."
1026
00:46:21,361 --> 00:46:23,071
[audience laughs]
1027
00:46:23,155 --> 00:46:25,032
"Just look at him, he's looking great."
1028
00:46:28,076 --> 00:46:30,204
My favorite thing about Biden is,
1029
00:46:30,287 --> 00:46:32,247
any... anytime Biden finishes a speech,
1030
00:46:32,331 --> 00:46:33,916
he transforms into a Roomba.
1031
00:46:34,750 --> 00:46:37,920
[audience laughs]
1032
00:46:42,257 --> 00:46:44,176
- Like a... Yeah.
- [audience cheering]
1033
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:50,641
I miss it. I miss the Trump speeches.
1034
00:46:51,433 --> 00:46:53,018
Trump gave what I think was probably
1035
00:46:53,101 --> 00:46:55,437
one of the greatest speeches
a world leader has given.
1036
00:46:55,521 --> 00:46:57,689
You know, it's gotta be
up there with, like, Churchill...
1037
00:46:59,024 --> 00:47:00,442
Gettysburg address...
1038
00:47:02,402 --> 00:47:03,737
[chuckles]
1039
00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:06,907
Anyway... For real, it was my favorite
speech I've ever seen a president give.
1040
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:09,701
It was the night the United States
killed the leader of ISIS.
1041
00:47:09,785 --> 00:47:13,747
Trump comes out of the Situation Room,
at like, midnight, in the White House.
1042
00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:16,959
He walks down that fucking tunnel
and gives a press conference,
1043
00:47:17,042 --> 00:47:20,254
- like he's giving a post-game NBA...
- [audience laughs]
1044
00:47:20,337 --> 00:47:21,755
...just killed a guy press conference.
1045
00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:24,424
He walks up in front of the entire world
at midnight and just goes...
1046
00:47:25,008 --> 00:47:29,763
[imitates Trump]
"Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is dead."
1047
00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:31,139
"He died like a dog."
1048
00:47:31,223 --> 00:47:32,599
[laughing]
1049
00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:36,520
[audience cheering]
1050
00:47:37,396 --> 00:47:39,982
[speaking normally] It's all good, dudes.
[chuckles]
1051
00:47:40,065 --> 00:47:42,860
I didn't change one word of that,
that's what he opened with.
1052
00:47:43,610 --> 00:47:47,030
And then he did 40 minutes.
The speech is 40 minutes.
1053
00:47:47,114 --> 00:47:48,907
For no reason,
it wasn't a prepared speech.
1054
00:47:48,991 --> 00:47:50,659
He freestyled 40 straight...
1055
00:47:51,910 --> 00:47:54,830
Not even a speech.
Just mean shit talk for 40...
1056
00:47:54,913 --> 00:47:58,125
The meanest shit talk you've ever heard
in front of the whole world.
1057
00:47:58,208 --> 00:48:00,085
[sucks teeth, imitates Trump] "Abu..."
1058
00:48:00,961 --> 00:48:05,132
"We could hear him crying.
I said, 'Abu, don't cry. Abu.'"
1059
00:48:05,215 --> 00:48:07,926
"Let me tell you something.
Abu cried, he cried quite a bit."
1060
00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:09,428
"I wouldn't have cried."
1061
00:48:09,511 --> 00:48:11,305
[audience laughs]
1062
00:48:11,388 --> 00:48:14,141
"'Cry-baby Baghdaddy, '
that's what we were all calling him."
1063
00:48:14,224 --> 00:48:15,183
[chuckles]
1064
00:48:16,268 --> 00:48:17,227
Look.
1065
00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:19,813
I love everything about that speech.
1066
00:48:20,439 --> 00:48:23,942
I love it. I love thinking about Trump
in the Situation Room,
1067
00:48:24,026 --> 00:48:27,654
surrounded by generals, watching a live...
1068
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:30,949
Watching Special Forces...
Watching those cocksucking Navy SEALs.
1069
00:48:31,033 --> 00:48:34,161
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
1070
00:48:34,244 --> 00:48:36,955
If I was in there, I'd be like,
"Get out, Abu, run!"
1071
00:48:37,039 --> 00:48:38,373
[audience laughs]
1072
00:48:38,457 --> 00:48:40,500
"They're great lovers,
don't let them get ya."
1073
00:48:41,168 --> 00:48:42,336
"Ah, they got him!"
1074
00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:45,464
"Ah, they're making him squirt."
1075
00:48:45,547 --> 00:48:47,215
- [audience laughs]
- Going...
1076
00:48:50,052 --> 00:48:50,969
"No!"
1077
00:48:51,970 --> 00:48:53,847
"No! How could you do this?"
1078
00:48:53,931 --> 00:48:55,933
[audience laughs]
1079
00:48:58,185 --> 00:48:59,144
[chuckles]
1080
00:48:59,227 --> 00:49:01,396
That's what we should do instead of...
1081
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:04,358
You know, instead of zero dark thirty,
killing these guys,
1082
00:49:04,441 --> 00:49:08,362
we should break in and have Special Forces
fucking whack 'em off in their own bed.
1083
00:49:08,445 --> 00:49:09,696
[audience laughs]
1084
00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:13,533
That sends a pretty serious message, dude.
1085
00:49:14,034 --> 00:49:17,162
Imagine that, just four Navy SEALs
holding your arms and legs.
1086
00:49:19,247 --> 00:49:21,375
You're the only dude without night vision.
1087
00:49:21,458 --> 00:49:23,543
[audience laughs]
1088
00:49:26,046 --> 00:49:27,381
"No!" [chuckles]
1089
00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:30,467
[groans]
1090
00:49:34,304 --> 00:49:35,263
"Queer."
1091
00:49:35,347 --> 00:49:37,641
[audience laughs]
1092
00:49:37,724 --> 00:49:40,268
[audience cheering]
1093
00:49:40,352 --> 00:49:42,437
They fly away on a helicopter.
1094
00:49:44,272 --> 00:49:46,066
You just got jerked off in your own bed.
1095
00:49:47,484 --> 00:49:48,944
"You fucking jerked me off!"
1096
00:49:51,029 --> 00:49:52,239
"You make me do cum!"
1097
00:49:53,991 --> 00:49:55,867
[audience cheering]
1098
00:49:55,951 --> 00:49:56,994
Know what I mean?
1099
00:49:57,077 --> 00:49:58,036
[audience cheering]
1100
00:49:58,120 --> 00:49:59,287
Anyway...
1101
00:50:00,205 --> 00:50:01,123
Yeah.
1102
00:50:06,503 --> 00:50:07,462
I, uh...
1103
00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:09,756
No, I just... I love...
1104
00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:12,426
I love thinking about Trump
in the Situation Room
1105
00:50:12,509 --> 00:50:14,886
watching a live military operation.
1106
00:50:14,970 --> 00:50:17,222
He's the only dude in the room
that wasn't military.
1107
00:50:17,305 --> 00:50:19,808
He must have been the only dude
watching it that was like, "Oh!"
1108
00:50:19,891 --> 00:50:21,643
- Right?
- [all laughing]
1109
00:50:21,727 --> 00:50:24,563
You can tell he's never seen it before
by the fucking speech.
1110
00:50:24,646 --> 00:50:27,816
His speech sounded like a guy
just trying to tell you some shit he saw.
1111
00:50:28,316 --> 00:50:29,359
Just... [sucks teeth]
1112
00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:32,654
[imitates Trump] "A lot of guys would...
knock on the front door."
1113
00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:34,322
"Not these guys, not our guys..."
1114
00:50:34,406 --> 00:50:37,200
[sucks teeth] "Not our guys,
our guys went through the wall,
1115
00:50:37,284 --> 00:50:38,702
they blew up his wall..."
1116
00:50:38,785 --> 00:50:39,995
[sucks teeth]
1117
00:50:40,078 --> 00:50:41,621
"And they used dogs..."
1118
00:50:42,622 --> 00:50:43,582
"Beautiful dogs..."
1119
00:50:43,665 --> 00:50:45,459
[laughs, speaks normally] Dude...
1120
00:50:45,542 --> 00:50:47,878
"Beautiful dogs" is the funniest detail...
1121
00:50:48,628 --> 00:50:50,213
'Cause it's true. They actually did use...
1122
00:50:50,297 --> 00:50:52,758
It was the Army Rangers
and they used dogs, 'cause...
1123
00:50:53,258 --> 00:50:55,761
they were afraid al-Baghdadi
was gonna be wearing a suicide vest,
1124
00:50:55,844 --> 00:50:58,055
so they killed him with dogs and a robot...
1125
00:50:58,889 --> 00:51:00,223
[chuckles]
1126
00:51:00,307 --> 00:51:01,933
...and then made fun of him for crying?
1127
00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:03,310
[laughs]
1128
00:51:03,393 --> 00:51:04,352
"Let that guy cry."
1129
00:51:04,436 --> 00:51:06,980
That's the scariest death
I've ever heard of.
1130
00:51:07,064 --> 00:51:10,358
That dude was laying in his bed
at night and his wall exploded.
1131
00:51:10,442 --> 00:51:13,153
Fucking ten dogs and a robot
broke into his... [laughs]
1132
00:51:14,071 --> 00:51:17,032
Dude, ten dogs wearing helmets
and goggles broke into his house.
1133
00:51:17,783 --> 00:51:19,785
The Paw Patrol! The actual Paw Patrol!
1134
00:51:19,868 --> 00:51:21,369
[audience laughs]
1135
00:51:21,453 --> 00:51:23,371
Alright, dude,
you guys have been so great.
1136
00:51:23,455 --> 00:51:25,040
{\an8}[audience cheering]
1137
00:51:25,123 --> 00:51:26,416
{\an8}♪ ...sitting low on four's ♪
1138
00:51:26,500 --> 00:51:29,086
{\an8}♪ I'm pullin' through the lot
Slamming doors on buckets ♪
1139
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:31,505
{\an8}♪ And I'ma slide slide, slippity slide ♪
1140
00:51:31,588 --> 00:51:34,049
{\an8}♪ Pop trunk, let it down
Show up in my ride ♪
1141
00:51:34,132 --> 00:51:36,635
{\an8}♪ Roll out the red carpet
Never buy it, park it ♪
1142
00:51:36,718 --> 00:51:39,137
{\an8}♪ Valet, piece and chain
Starch in my jeans ♪
1143
00:51:39,221 --> 00:51:41,765
{\an8}♪ Hit the club, showing love
Tip the dancer a dub ♪
1144
00:51:41,848 --> 00:51:44,267
{\an8}♪ Got killa in the club
For after the club ♪
1145
00:51:44,351 --> 00:51:46,937
{\an8}♪ One more time for they mind
I'ma gon' put it down ♪
1146
00:51:47,020 --> 00:51:49,356
♪ It's that boy, Fat Pat
Yeah, I got's to clown ♪
1147
00:51:49,439 --> 00:51:50,273
♪ Alright ♪
1148
00:51:51,149 --> 00:51:53,693
♪ I just wanna drop it ♪
1149
00:51:53,777 --> 00:51:57,239
♪ Whoa, whoa, all night long ♪
1150
00:51:57,322 --> 00:51:58,824
♪ Yeah ♪
1151
00:51:58,907 --> 00:52:01,368
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
1152
00:52:01,451 --> 00:52:04,412
♪ I just wanna drop it ♪
1153
00:52:04,496 --> 00:52:06,456
♪ All night long ♪
1154
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:07,833
♪ Yeah ♪
1155
00:52:07,916 --> 00:52:10,544
{\an8}♪ Drop it, drop it, drop it ♪
1156
00:52:10,627 --> 00:52:12,921
{\an8}♪ Trunks keep poppin' ♪
1157
00:52:13,004 --> 00:52:14,840
♪ Tops keep droppin' {\an8} ♪
1158
00:52:14,923 --> 00:52:16,925
{\an8}♪ Down in Houston... ♪