1 00:00:02,524 --> 00:00:03,916 Once we clear Keasbey, 2 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,615 it's a straight shot down the Garden State Parkway 3 00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:09,052 until we hit the Pine Barrens. 4 00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:10,401 And let me tell you, 5 00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:13,883 the Pine Barrens is some forest primeval shit. 6 00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:16,277 LASZLO: Sean has invited us to his family's cabin 7 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:17,495 in the New Jersey woodlands. 8 00:00:17,539 --> 00:00:20,368 - The Pine Barrens. - Which is the same thing. 9 00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:22,892 - For a weekend hunting trip. - NANDOR: We vampires 10 00:00:22,935 --> 00:00:24,676 do not hunt. 11 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,113 Of course we fucking do. We hunt humans. 12 00:00:26,156 --> 00:00:27,157 Does that count, though? 13 00:00:27,201 --> 00:00:29,290 SEAN: Nothing wrong 14 00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:31,944 with a long weekend away from the ladies. 15 00:00:31,988 --> 00:00:34,077 "We dem boys," am I right? 16 00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:36,384 - NANDOR: Yes. - Indeed, but remember, 17 00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:38,255 Nandor and I need to be back 18 00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:41,041 no later than 5:00 a.m. on Sunday. 19 00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:43,130 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have jobs at the railroad. 20 00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:44,957 You're like a broken record, Laz. 21 00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:47,090 Yes, we them boys who work at the railroad. 22 00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:48,526 SEAN: You know, 23 00:00:48,570 --> 00:00:51,094 that kid looks like the spitting image of Colin Robinson. 24 00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,748 It's like Little Baby Dilbert over here. 25 00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:55,185 Well, as we mentioned before, 26 00:00:55,229 --> 00:00:57,927 Colin Robinson is the child's uncle, 27 00:00:57,970 --> 00:01:00,973 so according to genetics, that story makes perfect sense. 28 00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:02,453 SEAN: Yeah, whatever. Hey, cornbread, 29 00:01:02,497 --> 00:01:04,238 what you playing back there? 30 00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:05,891 - Oh, no. What the fuck... - Oh, it's a game called 31 00:01:05,935 --> 00:01:08,764 "Welcome to Bloxburg," and it's a game on Roblox 32 00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:11,332 and you can build your own house 33 00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:13,986 or get a job like a pizza maker or woodcutter 34 00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:15,553 or insurance adjust... 35 00:01:15,597 --> 00:01:17,642 ["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING] 36 00:01:17,686 --> 00:01:20,254 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 37 00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:23,692 ♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 38 00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,347 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 39 00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:28,740 ♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 40 00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:32,875 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 41 00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:35,530 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪ 42 00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:38,010 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 43 00:01:38,054 --> 00:01:41,101 ♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪ 44 00:01:42,232 --> 00:01:44,060 ♪ 45 00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:52,286 - [CRICKETS CHIRPING] - [NADJA AND DOLL NADJA LAUGHING] 46 00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:54,114 You look very nice in the bath. Look at you. 47 00:01:54,157 --> 00:01:56,116 - Thank you, honey. - With the boys being away 48 00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:58,161 on this hunting trip with Sean, 49 00:01:58,205 --> 00:02:00,729 it is just so... [CHUCKLING] ...nice 50 00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,948 to have the house to myself for a change. 51 00:02:02,992 --> 00:02:05,734 To ourselves. There's two of us. 52 00:02:05,777 --> 00:02:06,648 Oh, yes. Of course. 53 00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:09,955 It's really nice to have the whole house to myself, 54 00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,609 for once. [CHUCKLES] 55 00:02:11,653 --> 00:02:14,525 Since Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja and Baby Colin are all gone, 56 00:02:14,569 --> 00:02:18,050 I get to choose what I want to do for a change. 57 00:02:18,094 --> 00:02:20,444 We really needed a break from Laszlo, Nandor, Gizmo, 58 00:02:20,488 --> 00:02:22,054 and the small weird creature 59 00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:24,187 that clawed its way out of the abdominal cavity 60 00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:26,972 of our deceased former friend Colin Robinson. 61 00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:28,713 GUILLERMO: It's rare that anyone leaves me alone, 62 00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:31,325 so I'm gonna have my family over tomorrow night. 63 00:02:31,368 --> 00:02:33,631 I've been putting it off for, like... 64 00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:34,937 12 years? 65 00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:39,202 This house, it can be a lot of male energy. 66 00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:40,203 NADJA: Oh. 67 00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,074 I mean, duh. 68 00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:43,859 - [CACKLING] - [PLAYING MAGIC FLUTE] 69 00:02:43,902 --> 00:02:45,339 NADJA: So while they're off in the forest, 70 00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:47,036 we will be having a good, old-fashioned 71 00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:48,646 sloppy girls' night at home. 72 00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:51,171 - DOLL NADJA: Yes. - And you know, 73 00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:53,390 I think the weekend will be very good for the boys, too. 74 00:02:53,434 --> 00:02:54,826 Did you want to help with the bags? 75 00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:56,393 I wasn't planning to, no. 76 00:02:56,437 --> 00:02:58,700 - NANDOR: Okay, thank you. - Thank you. 77 00:02:58,743 --> 00:03:00,919 NADJA: Laszlo and Nandor have been bickering a lot recently. 78 00:03:00,963 --> 00:03:03,095 You know, for the past one or two or... 79 00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:04,575 actually, about 80 years. 80 00:03:04,619 --> 00:03:06,490 [PLAYING FLUTE] 81 00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:08,318 You want to help with the door? 82 00:03:08,362 --> 00:03:09,841 I wasn't planning to, no. 83 00:03:09,885 --> 00:03:12,104 - Okay, thank you. - Thank you. 84 00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:13,541 NADJA: It's good 85 00:03:13,584 --> 00:03:15,456 that they're going to have a chance to reconnect. 86 00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:17,893 SEAN: Put all the bags in there, all right? 87 00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:18,937 Eesh. 88 00:03:18,981 --> 00:03:20,025 Now, that up there, 89 00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:22,463 I got that when I was 14. 90 00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,247 Took me nine shots, but I got it. 91 00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:27,032 First time I ever saw something die. 92 00:03:28,773 --> 00:03:30,035 But it wouldn't be the last. 93 00:03:32,603 --> 00:03:34,823 Well, marksmanship clearly runs in the family. 94 00:03:34,866 --> 00:03:37,347 That's a very impressive collection of firearms. 95 00:03:37,391 --> 00:03:39,654 Oh, yeah. Well, it's mostly my granddad's. 96 00:03:39,697 --> 00:03:41,960 He started collecting them when he bought the cabin 97 00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:44,093 from this Polish guy he used to bowl with, 98 00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:45,660 you know, before the cataracts. 99 00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:48,358 It's always sad when a Polish fellow gets cataracts. 100 00:03:48,402 --> 00:03:50,317 No, I think what Sean is saying 101 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,188 is that his grandfather got the cataracts, 102 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,842 which is why he could no longer do bowling 103 00:03:53,885 --> 00:03:55,017 with the Polish fellow. 104 00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:56,279 SEAN: Actually, the problem was... 105 00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:57,889 LASZLO: No, no, hold on, Sean. No. 106 00:03:57,933 --> 00:04:00,805 The Polish fellow got the cataracts, 107 00:04:00,849 --> 00:04:02,851 ending his bowling career, 108 00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,287 cutting his income, 109 00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:06,855 forcing him to sell this cabin, clearly. 110 00:04:06,898 --> 00:04:08,291 NANDOR: The problem with Laszlo 111 00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,641 is that he cannot admit that there's something 112 00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:12,208 that even he does not know. 113 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,558 He thinks that he knows all things. 114 00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:16,952 And if there's one thing I cannot abide, 115 00:04:16,995 --> 00:04:20,303 it is someone who's a know-it-all-things. 116 00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:23,088 - Actually... - If I could just take a moment, Sean, 117 00:04:23,132 --> 00:04:25,265 I know a thing or two about fellows, 118 00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:27,005 and I would say it is more than likely 119 00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:28,485 that the Polish fellow 120 00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:31,532 went bowling with other fellows for fun 121 00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:34,012 and not for his livelihood. 122 00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:36,101 LASZLO: Nandor's problem is 123 00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:39,148 he has a bird-sized brain in a mammoth-sized body. 124 00:04:39,191 --> 00:04:40,628 - Wouldn't you say? - [SCREECHES] 125 00:04:40,671 --> 00:04:44,109 Well, you see, that theory betrays an ignorance... 126 00:04:44,153 --> 00:04:46,634 - Oh... - ...for the many Polish fellows that have done very well 127 00:04:46,677 --> 00:04:49,114 vis-à-vis bowling competition money. 128 00:04:49,158 --> 00:04:50,464 Agree to disagree. 129 00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:52,335 Boy, do your thing. 130 00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:57,035 Hey, Siri, search "Polish bowlers top cash prize earners." 131 00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:59,995 SIRI [OVER IPAD]: Okay, I found this on the web for "bowling Polish 132 00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:01,344 top cash prize earners." 133 00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:02,867 - Check it out. - LASZLO: Yes? 134 00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:07,002 It's a Wikipedia page for someone called Daria Pajak. 135 00:05:07,045 --> 00:05:08,525 Read the page. 136 00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:11,441 "Daria Pajak is a professional bowling player 137 00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:13,051 - from Poland..." - LASZLO: From Poland. 138 00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:14,966 COLIN: "...who competes on the professional women's bowling..." 139 00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:16,185 - LAZSLO: That's right, my boy. - [GRUNTS] Shut up! 140 00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:17,534 - COLIN: Hey! - LASZLO: Very mature. 141 00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:19,884 - [CRICKETS CHIRPING] - [SNORING] 142 00:05:19,928 --> 00:05:21,886 [SNORING] 143 00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,149 Right. 144 00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:25,368 COLIN: So, what are we doing? 145 00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:27,718 Time for a little hunting of our own. 146 00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:29,590 The most dangerous game... 147 00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:31,243 - hunting humans... - The hunters become the hunted. 148 00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:33,420 Fucking hell. Stop interrupting me. 149 00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:35,726 - COLIN: Eesh. - [NANDOR CLEARS THROAT] 150 00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,859 NANDOR: I have recently been experimenting 151 00:05:37,902 --> 00:05:39,774 with echolocation. 152 00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:41,079 [VIDEO GAME BLIPPING] 153 00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:42,820 [WHISTLING] 154 00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:45,345 [BLIPPING CONTINUES] 155 00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:47,390 - COLIN: Hey, Lazzo, guess what? - What? 156 00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,698 I need more Robux to buy gamer wings for my avatar 157 00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:53,048 - because guess what? - What? 158 00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:54,615 - I already have the Gamer Cloak. - Enough. 159 00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,486 You're going to scare away the humans. 160 00:05:56,530 --> 00:06:00,098 Silence is the hunter's greatest weapon. 161 00:06:00,142 --> 00:06:01,883 And you're shitting all over it. 162 00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:03,754 Uh, can we go? I'm on eight percent. 163 00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:09,020 SEAN: You know, you're lucky to have a guy like Lasz 164 00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:10,631 - taking care of you. - I guess. 165 00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:14,374 Sometimes I think that Lazzo doesn't like me so much. 166 00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,550 Are you kidding me? He loves you. 167 00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,856 He's always saying, "I'm not gonna have you grow up 168 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,990 to be a bald-headed, energy-sucking bore." 169 00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:24,688 Huh, that's why my old man wouldn't let me watch PBS. 170 00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,211 COLIN: Do you think I'm boring? 171 00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:28,300 What? You got your little computer pad, 172 00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:30,564 and a... stick. 173 00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:32,653 And a whole bunch of other neat stuff, right? 174 00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,176 What else do you like doing? 175 00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:37,440 Well, I like to go into the basement in the house 176 00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:41,009 and smash holes into the wall with a hammer. 177 00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:42,924 Like, really hard. 178 00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:44,969 Just over and over again. 179 00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:47,450 Just smashing and smashing 180 00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:50,192 and smashing, and I can't help it. 181 00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:51,715 It makes me feel good. 182 00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:54,544 But, like, only walls, right? 183 00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:57,982 You don't like, uh... smashing a person or something? 184 00:06:58,026 --> 00:06:59,723 [WOMEN WHOOPING] 185 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,812 [CACKLING] 186 00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:06,121 NADJA: So our evening is off to a wonderful start. 187 00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:09,951 ♪ There's a girl in the village with one very small foot. ♪ 188 00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:11,866 NADJA: Mrs. Nandor the Relentless has joined us, 189 00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:14,216 and she fits right in. Everybody! 190 00:07:14,259 --> 00:07:16,131 She looks very like a girl from my village 191 00:07:16,174 --> 00:07:17,480 called Celina, 192 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,613 but she's just wearing much less pig skin. 193 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:21,005 [WHOOPING] You can do it. 194 00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:23,007 - [CHANTING]: Go me. Go me. - [MARWA VOCALIZING] 195 00:07:23,051 --> 00:07:26,184 NADJA: Sometimes you just gotta cool out with your ladies, 196 00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:28,404 have a proper female fuck-about. 197 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,406 Nearly ready. Voila. 198 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,973 Dang it. 199 00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:35,585 ♪ 200 00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:38,675 GUILLERMO: Welcome. Come in. Thank you. 201 00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:40,155 Go ahead. 202 00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:42,331 - [CHATTER IN SPANISH] - Thank you for inv... 203 00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:43,767 Oh, don't worry of the cameras, 204 00:07:43,811 --> 00:07:45,639 this one, I hired them so they could record the... 205 00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,423 grandma's birthday. 206 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,469 - Happy birthday. - Boy, oh. 207 00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:51,732 SILVIA: Oh, my son. Always so considerate. 208 00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:54,299 The jackets, take them off. Quítensela. Aquí es su casa. 209 00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:56,432 - MIGUEL: Look, he's like the butler. - I am not the butler. 210 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,390 I told them that you guys are here making a video montage 211 00:07:58,434 --> 00:08:00,567 for her birthday, so I guess that's what we're doing now. 212 00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,133 MIGUEL: It looks like Tarzan lives here. 213 00:08:02,177 --> 00:08:03,352 Oh, it's just eco-friendly. 214 00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:04,832 Is your Versace blouse eco-friendly? 215 00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:06,703 - It's real Versace. - You know, they make that 216 00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:08,009 - in menswear too, right? - Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. 217 00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:09,532 - [LAUGHTER] - Okay, why don't we go upstairs? 218 00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:10,794 Come in, come in, come in. 219 00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:12,361 Oh, careful, there. I... It's messy. 220 00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:13,623 There's thorns here, so be careful. 221 00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:15,364 Hi. 222 00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:16,539 - MIGUEL: More garbage. - GUILLERMO: Here we are. 223 00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,410 - Ta-da. - [SILVIA GASPING] 224 00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:20,543 It's cute, mom, right? 225 00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,545 - [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] - Well, welcome. 226 00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:25,505 Look at these dishes, how luxurious. 227 00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:26,984 She's really impressed. 228 00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:30,379 Did they give you a promotion at Panera or what? 229 00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:32,207 No, no, no, mom. Works on the railway, 230 00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:33,382 do you remember? 231 00:08:33,425 --> 00:08:34,383 VALERIA: Oh, you're still at the railroad. 232 00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:35,427 You're working at the railroad? 233 00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:37,168 Yeah, I work at the railroad. 234 00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:39,127 What happened to the Panera Bread? 235 00:08:39,170 --> 00:08:40,345 Speaking of bread, do you want some? 236 00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,391 - Oh, I got a promotion. - That's right. 237 00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:43,610 You got a promotion? 238 00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:45,568 - Yeah. - How does a fool 239 00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:48,919 get a promotion from a Panera Bread to a railroad? 240 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,617 - VALERIA: How does that happen? - It was a... 241 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,401 - It was at a train station. - A train station? 242 00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:53,750 The Panera Bread was at the train station. 243 00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:55,273 - MIGUEL: What train station? - Penn Station. 244 00:08:55,317 --> 00:08:56,710 Nah, nah, nah. Sabes que, homie. 245 00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,712 There ain't no Panera Bread at Penn Station. 246 00:08:58,755 --> 00:08:59,713 - It was a pop-up. - [OVERLAPPING CHATTER IN SPANISH] 247 00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,236 Pop-up shop. 248 00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:02,672 Wow. 249 00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:04,587 Slower, don't pull! 250 00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:06,937 [GASPING] Ooh, ooh! I have an idea. 251 00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:08,417 - What? - Let's watch Mamma Mia! 252 00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:10,462 Uh, yes. 253 00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:12,334 NADJA: Mamma Mia is my favorite, favorite 254 00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:14,641 film to watch when I am missing my homeland, 255 00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:18,166 but Laszlo never lets me watch it. He says... 256 00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:19,820 [MIMICKING LASZLO]: "My darling, I can't watch that. 257 00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,256 "It reminds me of all the bastard children 258 00:09:21,299 --> 00:09:23,606 I fathered when I was a human." 259 00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:26,478 SEAN: Then the other two guys, 260 00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:28,306 they hear this screech in the woods. 261 00:09:28,350 --> 00:09:30,700 And they hightail it out of there, 262 00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:34,095 but they never found the third guy... 263 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,880 ...because you know who got him? 264 00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:38,099 LASZLO: The Jersey Devil. 265 00:09:38,142 --> 00:09:39,404 - NANDOR: The Jersey Devil. - SEAN: Uh-huh. 266 00:09:39,448 --> 00:09:40,928 COLIN: Hey, Mr. Rinaldi, 267 00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,364 - guess what? - SEAN: What? 268 00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:44,496 I don't believe the Jersey Devil is even real. 269 00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:45,889 SEAN: All righty, then. 270 00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:48,979 I guess is not my fault if he comes and eats you. 271 00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:51,678 Okay, well, if he's so real, then what does he look like? 272 00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:54,289 He's got dragon wings, 273 00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:56,900 and a half-goat horse face 274 00:09:56,944 --> 00:09:59,250 with a chinstrap beard like an Amish. 275 00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:01,601 And he's got hooves and horns, 276 00:10:01,644 --> 00:10:04,255 and two low-hanging balls 277 00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:06,910 with a button cock on top. 278 00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:08,477 [WHISPERING]: Fantastic. 279 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,480 And he creeps through the Pine Barrens, 280 00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:15,615 looking for little kids who don't believe in him. 281 00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:18,008 And he goes, "clomp, clomp, 282 00:10:18,052 --> 00:10:19,401 clomp!" 283 00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:21,185 - [GUNSHOT] - [ALL YELP] 284 00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:23,579 SEAN: Uh... Everyone all right? 285 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,451 I got to fix the safety on that one, huh? 286 00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,366 No, the Jersey Devil is not real. 287 00:10:28,410 --> 00:10:30,760 It is just a myth that vampires made up 288 00:10:30,804 --> 00:10:33,763 to explain all the dead bodies that we leave in the woods. 289 00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:36,548 Sean may be my best friend, but like all humans, 290 00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:38,812 he doesn't realize when he's been fucking had. 291 00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:40,727 Sean is your best friend? 292 00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:41,902 Yes. Why? 293 00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:44,644 No reason. 294 00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:47,385 Here's to spending the weekend with you, Sean. 295 00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:48,430 I'll drink to that. 296 00:10:48,473 --> 00:10:50,519 Yes, cheers. 297 00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:52,564 There's just something special about "guy time," you know? 298 00:10:52,608 --> 00:10:54,088 - LASZLO: Hear, hear. - Yes. 299 00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:57,439 [CRICKETS CHIRPING, OWL HOOTING] 300 00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:59,223 - [SEAN SNORING] - [IPAD CHIMING] 301 00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:01,617 Sean, time to go beddy bye. 302 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,879 - [SLURRING]: Whatever. - Here we go. 303 00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:03,880 I got a deer. 304 00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:05,012 Mind your head. 305 00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:06,927 - Ooh, that hurt. - What are you doing? 306 00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:08,711 COLIN: This is seriously 307 00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:10,495 the funnest level I've ever done on Roblox. 308 00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:11,496 Is it as cool as this? 309 00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:12,889 NANDOR: Careful, Laszlo. 310 00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:14,369 Take it from a soldier: 311 00:11:14,412 --> 00:11:16,066 That thing is a weapon, not a toy. 312 00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,546 The last time you saw battle 313 00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:19,766 it was just swords and wooden clubs. 314 00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:21,681 I'd hardly call you an authority. 315 00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:23,944 - [MIMICS SHEEP BLEATING] - [IPAD CHIMES] 316 00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:26,076 [LASZLO LAUGHS MANIACALLY] 317 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,557 ALL: ♪ Oh, when you're near me, darling ♪ 318 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,254 ♪ Can you hear me ♪ 319 00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:32,517 ♪ S.O.S. ♪ 320 00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:34,345 ♪ And the love you gave me... ♪ 321 00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:37,522 Ah. This dynamo needs a top-up. 322 00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:38,698 So, uh, I'm gonna go and get one. Anyone else? 323 00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,308 - No, I'm good. - Nah. 324 00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:41,657 Do you want me to pause it or... 325 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,919 Oh, no, don't worry. I'll only be a moment. 326 00:11:42,963 --> 00:11:45,008 NADJA: ♪ The love you gave me ♪ 327 00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:46,749 - ♪ Nothing else can save me ♪ - [CHATTER IN DISTANCE] 328 00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:49,099 ♪ S.O.S... ♪ 329 00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:50,927 [INDISTINCT CHATTER, SALSA MUSIC PLAYING] 330 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,718 Oh. Hallo. 331 00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:02,547 - [GASPS] Whose this, Guillermo? - The maid. 332 00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:03,461 I'm Nadja of Antipaxos. 333 00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:05,246 I'm rich now, so I have... 334 00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:06,464 I have a maid. 335 00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:08,640 ¿Es tu novia, no? 336 00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:10,077 - [SOFT CHATTER] - Sí, sí, es que... 337 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,774 Girlfriend? Since when? 338 00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:14,298 GUILLERMO: Yeah. I did say Nadja was my girlfriend. 339 00:12:14,342 --> 00:12:16,823 The lies just pile up on top of each other, you know? 340 00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:18,738 Over the years, you just can't keep track. [CHUCKLES] 341 00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:20,696 Isn't that right, Nadja? You're both 342 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,785 my girlfriend and... 343 00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:26,310 - ...my maid. - SILVIA: Wow. 344 00:12:26,354 --> 00:12:28,356 It all started, actually, when my mom was trying 345 00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:29,574 to set me up with her church friend's niece 346 00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:31,228 and just to get her off my back, 347 00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:33,404 I said I was dating Nadja. 348 00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:35,711 Please don't tell Laszlo. 349 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,713 Es como Daphne y Niles. 350 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,019 VALERIA: Daphne wasn't the maid. 351 00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,543 She was Frasier's dad's physical therapist. 352 00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:43,371 - Right? - [INDISTINCT CHATTER IN SPANISH] 353 00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:45,068 Nadja, acompáñanos, ¿sí? 354 00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:47,114 - Join us. - Uh... 355 00:12:47,157 --> 00:12:48,506 SILVIA: Por favor. 356 00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:50,421 Okay. [CHUCKLES] Lovely. 357 00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:52,641 [NADJA LAUGHING] 358 00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:55,122 VALERIA: Guillermo, your girlfriend was here this whole time, 359 00:12:55,165 --> 00:12:57,472 and you didn't invite her to eat with your family? 360 00:12:57,515 --> 00:13:00,649 Yes, Guillermo can be a little bit of a big rotten shit bag. 361 00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:02,390 - MIGUEL: [CACKLING] ¿Te llamó shit bag? - Yeah. 362 00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:05,610 One of my many sweet little cheeky pet names for him. 363 00:13:05,654 --> 00:13:07,308 My boyfriend and... 364 00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:11,225 - ...boss. [CLEARS THROAT] - MAITE: Guillermo, 365 00:13:11,268 --> 00:13:13,053 ¿me puedes enseñar dónde está el baño? 366 00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:14,619 GUILLERMO: Sí, claro, abuelita. 367 00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:16,230 - [CHATTER IN SPANISH] - SILVIA: Nadja, hola. 368 00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:17,753 I am his mom. 369 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,363 - Bienvenidos. - Sí. 370 00:13:21,191 --> 00:13:22,540 Oh, sí, claro. 371 00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:39,253 GUILLERMO: I mean, I guess I never thought of it before, 372 00:13:39,296 --> 00:13:40,341 but, yeah, it makes sense. 373 00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:41,995 If I have Van Helsing DNA, 374 00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:44,084 then so would my grandma and the rest of my family. 375 00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:45,476 Which makes it 376 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,348 not-a-so good. 377 00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:00,535 Los goosebumps. 378 00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:03,843 [IPAD CHIMING] 379 00:14:09,457 --> 00:14:10,719 LASZLO: I haven't a clue who this 380 00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:13,113 Gena Lee Nolin is, but... 381 00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:14,897 I wouldn't mind that in my lunch box. 382 00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:17,595 NANDOR: I have a question, Laszlo. 383 00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:19,771 What did you mean by what you said before? 384 00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:22,122 - What did I say before? - About the pistol. 385 00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:23,950 You said I was hardly an authority. 386 00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,516 LASZLO: Well, exactly that. 387 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,302 You haven't seen any action in nigh on a millennium. 388 00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:31,000 Probably more accurate to call you a former soldier 389 00:14:31,044 --> 00:14:32,567 than a real soldier, wouldn't you say? 390 00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:36,963 I am and always will be Nandor the Relentless. 391 00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:38,790 I suppose I should not expect you to understand 392 00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,531 what it means to be a soldier. 393 00:14:40,575 --> 00:14:44,057 Were you not kicked out of your Rifle Corps, your fancy-pants 394 00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:45,841 college for wealthy lads? 395 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,453 I think you're referring to Eton, 396 00:14:49,497 --> 00:14:51,499 and I told you that in confidence. 397 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,675 NANDOR: Surprise, surprise. 398 00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:55,546 The talk suddenly turns to Laszlo 399 00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:57,331 and he's put his sticky mag down. 400 00:14:57,374 --> 00:14:59,202 I was listening to everything. 401 00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:01,161 It's just the same old, shrill tune. 402 00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:02,684 NANDOR: Sounds like someone's 403 00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:05,339 a little jealous he's not the number one guy in the house. 404 00:15:05,382 --> 00:15:07,863 Says the guy who left the house to "find himself" 405 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,083 and come back with his tail between his legs. 406 00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:12,128 That was an important step in my personal journey. 407 00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:13,913 And a good thing I did come back 408 00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:16,524 since the house went to piss-filled shit on your watch. 409 00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:18,830 You remember to watch your language in front of my boy. 410 00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:21,050 Piss-filled shit house! 411 00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:22,095 Did you get that? 412 00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:23,705 - Yep. - I shouldn't be surprised. 413 00:15:23,748 --> 00:15:26,969 All you ever do is lay about or tinkle on your piano 414 00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,753 or have sex with Nadja 415 00:15:28,797 --> 00:15:30,103 wherever and whenever you please! 416 00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:31,756 How is that an insult? 417 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:35,369 Sounds to me like life goals achieved, me old fruit. 418 00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:37,197 NANDOR: You take and you take and you take. 419 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,242 You took the seat in the Honda Element 420 00:15:39,286 --> 00:15:41,549 that wasn't behind Sean's seat in the Honda Element, 421 00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:42,898 even though you know 422 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,726 that Sean likes his seat in the Honda Element 423 00:15:44,769 --> 00:15:45,814 pushed right far back, 424 00:15:45,857 --> 00:15:47,903 and I have the longer legs! 425 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,558 ♪ 426 00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:54,127 Did you just cock your weapon at me? 427 00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:58,044 I took that seat so I would have a diagonal vantage point 428 00:15:58,087 --> 00:16:00,568 to talk to my friend Sean fluidly. 429 00:16:00,611 --> 00:16:02,178 NANDOR: I should've known. 430 00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:05,660 All the way back when we first moved into the mansion 431 00:16:05,703 --> 00:16:08,010 and you had first pick of the bedchambers, 432 00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:11,187 even though we all agreed that I would have first pick! 433 00:16:11,231 --> 00:16:12,449 Now you're being absurd. 434 00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:15,975 What the fuck's that? 435 00:16:17,237 --> 00:16:20,588 "Whereas we three vampires do agree 436 00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:24,635 "upon the following order for the selection of bedchambers 437 00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:26,159 "on our new home 438 00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:28,030 on the rocky shores of Staten Island." 439 00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:29,162 [CHUCKLES] 440 00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:32,165 "First pick, Nandor the Relentless." 441 00:16:32,208 --> 00:16:35,690 Well, suck on this. "Amendment: In the absence of all 442 00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:38,258 "household vampires at the appointed time 443 00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:40,042 "of bedchamber selection, 444 00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:42,827 "a quorum of two-thirds present 445 00:16:42,871 --> 00:16:46,657 may... pro... ceed." 446 00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:48,094 NANDOR: Unbelievable. 447 00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:50,183 You can't even stand to lose an argument, can you? 448 00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:51,271 You know what you are? 449 00:16:51,314 --> 00:16:54,535 You are what my best friend Sean 450 00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:57,581 might describe as a proper jabroni. 451 00:16:58,539 --> 00:17:00,323 Shit. 452 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:01,629 I am not a jabroni. 453 00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:03,022 - You are jabroni! - Jabroni. 454 00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:04,023 - Jabroni. - Jabroni. 455 00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:05,807 - Jabroni. - Jabroni. 456 00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:06,895 Jabroni. 457 00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,723 Aah! Shit! 458 00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,768 Shit, you shot me in the fucking hand. 459 00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:12,161 - Well, you would... - NANDOR: Ow! 460 00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:13,728 SEAN: What the hell is going on in here? 461 00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:14,946 I heard shots. 462 00:17:14,990 --> 00:17:16,513 No, you didn't. 463 00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:17,862 - Where's the kid? - NANDOR: He was right there. 464 00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,995 - SEAN: Door's open. - LASZLO: It's... Aw, shit. 465 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,692 Oh, shit. 466 00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:23,346 [LAUGHTER] 467 00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:26,132 So you actually enjoy to eat a bowl of fungus. 468 00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:28,351 - Voluntarily? - All kinds of fungus. 469 00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:30,440 I'm not a "fun-guy." [LAUGHING] 470 00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:32,094 NADJA: At first, I had no interest 471 00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,357 in pretending to be whoever this Daphne person is, 472 00:17:34,401 --> 00:17:38,187 but I am loving Gizmo's family. 473 00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:40,102 You're so lovely and nice, compared to... 474 00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:43,540 Oh, here he is, my rotten little shit bag. 475 00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:45,412 - Come here. - [LAUGHING] 476 00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:47,762 I cannot believe that such a group of fresh, dazzling 477 00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:50,634 moonbeams are related to such a gray dud. 478 00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:53,376 Do all of you have a very bad visions like Guillermo? 479 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,291 'Cause I have heard that the broken eyes 480 00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,858 can run in the families. 481 00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,512 No, no, no. I used to, but then I got 482 00:17:58,555 --> 00:17:59,904 the laser treatment, you know, that... 483 00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:00,818 [WHISTLING] The Lasik. 484 00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:02,081 Lay-kips? 485 00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:04,083 - No. Lasik. - Lipschitz. 486 00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:05,171 - [YELLING] Lasik! - [CLATTERING] 487 00:18:05,214 --> 00:18:06,563 VALERIA: Ay, Dios Santo. Cálmate. 488 00:18:06,607 --> 00:18:08,304 - That's what I said. - MIGUEL: Sorry. I'm sorry. 489 00:18:08,348 --> 00:18:10,045 I didn't mean to yell all like that. 490 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,829 I don't know what came over me. I just... you know. It's Lasik. 491 00:18:11,873 --> 00:18:14,223 - People know about this shit. - Uh... So, anyway, 492 00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,312 in my family we don't have the broken eyes, 493 00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:18,184 but all of the men have one arm 494 00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:19,750 quite a bit shorter than the other arm. 495 00:18:19,794 --> 00:18:22,144 MIGUEL: Fuck, is it getting hot in here? Or is it just me? 496 00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:25,147 Miguel, will you let her tell her fucking story? 497 00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:27,106 - Oh, oh. - MIGUEL: Má. 498 00:18:27,149 --> 00:18:29,934 VALERIA: Please, go on. Please, please. 499 00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:30,892 And so where-where was I? 500 00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:32,937 So the neighbors 501 00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:33,982 would shout at all the men, 502 00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:35,157 "Make your arms the same length!" 503 00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,202 I'm fucking, like about to catch on fire 504 00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:37,507 - or some shit. - [SPANISH CHATTER] 505 00:18:37,551 --> 00:18:39,161 MIGUEL: Something's fucking wrong, Memo. 506 00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:42,730 [SHRIEKS] Eres un monstruo y debes de morir. 507 00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:44,688 What the fuck?! 508 00:18:44,732 --> 00:18:47,561 Demonio maldito chupa sangre, 509 00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:49,476 - aléjate de mi nieto. - [CLAMORING] 510 00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:51,347 [NADJA SCREAMING] 511 00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:53,915 Abuelita, abuelita. 512 00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:57,832 - Fucking hell! - [CLAMORING] 513 00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,225 GUILLERMO: Abuelita, abuelita. 514 00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:00,965 - [NADJA SHRIEKS] - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 515 00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:02,576 [INDISTINCT SHOUTS] 516 00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:05,622 Why is there so much fucking sharp wood in this house?! 517 00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,581 [OVERLAPPING SHOUTS] 518 00:19:08,799 --> 00:19:10,627 GUILLERMO: Nadja, I really have to tell you something about my family! 519 00:19:10,671 --> 00:19:12,499 Yes, Guillermo, I've put it together, 520 00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:13,413 - you bloody moron. - GUILLERMO: !¡Mami, no! 521 00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:15,066 [SHOUTS] 522 00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:17,025 Oh, my God, we're here for a wedding... 523 00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:18,635 GUIDE: I think it's Pierce Brosnan. 524 00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,420 He has to be the papa, no? 525 00:19:20,463 --> 00:19:22,378 - DOLL NADJA: Obviously. - I hope he is, 526 00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:24,946 but I worry there will be a twist. 527 00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:26,687 How long is this movie? 528 00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:27,775 GUILLERMO: Nadja! 529 00:19:27,818 --> 00:19:29,820 You come into my house? 530 00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:33,084 Do you have any idea who the fuck you are messing with? 531 00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:35,086 - [YELLING IN SPANISH] - Never mind. 532 00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:38,264 Don't hurt her! 533 00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:39,700 MAITE: !¡Demonio! 534 00:19:39,743 --> 00:19:41,876 [GRUNTING] No. No, no. 535 00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:43,269 Stop, stop, stop, stop, don't hurt her! 536 00:19:43,312 --> 00:19:45,053 No, Mami. No, no, no! 537 00:19:45,096 --> 00:19:47,577 Guillermo, ella es un monstruo, peligroso, malvado. 538 00:19:47,621 --> 00:19:49,666 Yes, I know, I know, okay? I know she's a vampire. 539 00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:52,147 I've always known. Nadja lives in this house. 540 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,541 Okay? And so do another group of vampires. 541 00:19:54,584 --> 00:19:56,673 - And I don't work at the railroad. - [SHUSHES] 542 00:19:56,717 --> 00:19:58,327 I work for them. 543 00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:00,242 - [GROANS] - I work for the vampires who live here 544 00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,636 because I hope to become a vampire myself one day. 545 00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:04,725 - [GASPS] - And Nadja is not my girlfriend... 546 00:20:05,943 --> 00:20:08,250 ...because I'm gay. 547 00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:09,947 Aw. 548 00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:13,864 - [SIGHS] Mijo. - Wait. 549 00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:14,822 You want to be a vampire? 550 00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:16,258 NADJA: Hey! 551 00:20:16,302 --> 00:20:18,652 Being a vampire is very cool. [HISSES] 552 00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,523 We don't give a shit about you being gay. 553 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:21,785 We've known that forever, I mean... 554 00:20:21,829 --> 00:20:23,309 - Yeah, we knew that. - Una madre sabe. 555 00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:25,311 - Una madre sabe. - Really? Everyone knew? 556 00:20:25,354 --> 00:20:26,399 - MIGUEL: Come on, Mo. - ¿Todos? 557 00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:27,704 Familia es familia, homie. 558 00:20:27,748 --> 00:20:29,837 [WHOOPS] I was so worried because I... 559 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,839 - We love you. - Oh, mami, gracias. 560 00:20:31,882 --> 00:20:33,667 [LAUGHING] 561 00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:35,712 - Oh, gracias. - [NADJA HISSES] 562 00:20:35,756 --> 00:20:37,584 - No, wait, she's gonna try to kill you. - Ay! 563 00:20:37,627 --> 00:20:40,326 Come out, Baby Colin Robinson. 564 00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:42,676 - LASZLO: Nandor. - Oh, Baby Colin Robinson! 565 00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:45,287 Nandor, look, I-I didn't mean to hurt you. I... 566 00:20:45,331 --> 00:20:47,463 You shot me. 567 00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:48,899 See? 568 00:20:48,943 --> 00:20:50,988 LASZLO: No, I shot at you, it's true. 569 00:20:51,032 --> 00:20:53,817 But you've been a fucking pill this whole trip, 570 00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:55,079 and for no good reason. 571 00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:57,299 Maybe I did have a reason, 572 00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:58,518 which was... 573 00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:00,824 I was a little upset 574 00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:03,958 thinking about "guy time," 575 00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:05,916 how we don't have it so much, you and I. 576 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,701 We used to. Now you're always 577 00:21:07,744 --> 00:21:09,398 clinking beers with Sean 578 00:21:09,442 --> 00:21:13,272 or rehearsing songs with the Baby Colin Robinson. 579 00:21:13,315 --> 00:21:15,143 We never hang anymore. 580 00:21:15,186 --> 00:21:16,449 Bro, I'm not very comfortable 581 00:21:16,492 --> 00:21:18,581 with emotional flamboyance, as well you know. 582 00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:20,453 I'll be brief. 583 00:21:20,496 --> 00:21:22,672 My feelings aren't too dissimilar to your own. 584 00:21:22,716 --> 00:21:24,152 I've missed us. 585 00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:26,067 - All right. - [IPAD CHIMING] 586 00:21:26,110 --> 00:21:27,111 Baby Colin! 587 00:21:27,155 --> 00:21:28,983 - LASZLO: Boy! - Baby. 588 00:21:29,984 --> 00:21:31,812 Hey, guys. 589 00:21:31,855 --> 00:21:33,814 What have I told you about running off, you little prick? 590 00:21:33,857 --> 00:21:35,468 I heard something weird outside, 591 00:21:35,511 --> 00:21:37,034 but you were too busy fighting about jabronis and... 592 00:21:37,078 --> 00:21:39,123 - SEAN: Help! - Sean? 593 00:21:39,167 --> 00:21:40,516 - Shit. - NANDOR: Quickly. 594 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,257 Oh, boy. 595 00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,346 - LASZLO: Over there. - COLIN: Jeepers. 596 00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:46,261 - NANDOR: The fuck is that shit? - SEAN: Kill me! 597 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,307 The Jersey Devil, fucking hell. 598 00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:50,526 NANDOR: He's real? Look at the size of his balls. 599 00:21:50,570 --> 00:21:52,528 Where's my magic flute? 600 00:21:52,572 --> 00:21:54,965 I hid it in the car 'cause it was annoying me. 601 00:21:55,009 --> 00:21:58,491 SEAN: Kill me and get it over with! 602 00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:00,884 - NANDOR: Shoo. Go away. - [GROWLS] 603 00:22:00,928 --> 00:22:02,973 ♪ 604 00:22:06,412 --> 00:22:08,544 Yes, it's working. 605 00:22:08,588 --> 00:22:09,545 [SNARLS] 606 00:22:09,589 --> 00:22:10,981 He's falling under your spell. 607 00:22:13,854 --> 00:22:15,159 - Yes. - [GROWLS] 608 00:22:15,203 --> 00:22:17,074 Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa. 609 00:22:17,118 --> 00:22:18,162 COLIN: Oh, shit. 610 00:22:18,206 --> 00:22:19,686 - I'm gonna get my shotty. - Nandor... 611 00:22:19,729 --> 00:22:21,731 I've been double crossed by the devil. 612 00:22:21,775 --> 00:22:23,777 Hey, fuckhead, that's my friend you've got there, 613 00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:24,778 you let him go! 614 00:22:24,821 --> 00:22:26,562 - Hey! - [SCREECHES] 615 00:22:26,606 --> 00:22:27,737 - Lights out! - Aah! 616 00:22:27,781 --> 00:22:29,217 - Kick him in the dick. - Oh, yes. 617 00:22:29,260 --> 00:22:31,132 - He's on me! - He's not going down. 618 00:22:31,175 --> 00:22:33,177 - [GRUNTS] - Oh, shit. 619 00:22:33,221 --> 00:22:34,962 [GROWLS] 620 00:22:35,005 --> 00:22:37,399 Hey, Siri, play some New Jersey music. 621 00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:38,966 [LIVING ON A PRAYER" BY BON JOVI PLAYING] 622 00:22:39,009 --> 00:22:40,402 Get your hands off my ass. 623 00:22:40,446 --> 00:22:41,969 LASZLO: This isn't what I want to be doing. 624 00:22:42,012 --> 00:22:43,579 Grab his balls, man. 625 00:22:43,623 --> 00:22:46,060 - I've got them, I've got them! - No, that's me. 626 00:22:46,103 --> 00:22:48,802 [GRUNTING] 627 00:22:48,845 --> 00:22:51,282 Fucking hell. 628 00:22:51,326 --> 00:22:54,808 ♪ Tommy used to work on the docks ♪ 629 00:22:54,851 --> 00:22:56,723 ♪ Union's been on strike ♪ 630 00:22:56,766 --> 00:22:58,333 Hold on, I'll skip to the good part. 631 00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:01,075 ♪ We're halfway there ♪ 632 00:23:01,118 --> 00:23:02,511 ♪ Whoa-oh ♪ 633 00:23:02,555 --> 00:23:04,644 - ♪ Livin' on a prayer ♪ - COLIN: Yeah. 634 00:23:04,687 --> 00:23:06,907 - ♪ Take my hand... ♪ - Get him, Lazzo. 635 00:23:06,950 --> 00:23:08,430 - ♪ We'll make it, I swear ♪ - LASZLO: Human form! 636 00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:10,432 ♪ Whoa-oh... ♪ 637 00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:13,130 Kill him, get his button cock. 638 00:23:13,174 --> 00:23:14,480 It's working, I'm draining him. 639 00:23:14,523 --> 00:23:16,917 I'm draining him, too. 640 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,440 Hey, I found the rifle! 641 00:23:18,484 --> 00:23:20,050 [GROANS] 642 00:23:20,094 --> 00:23:21,661 Fucking Jersey. 643 00:23:21,704 --> 00:23:23,271 Okay, can we go home now? 644 00:23:23,314 --> 00:23:26,448 Prepare to die, you vile 645 00:23:26,492 --> 00:23:27,667 - vampire... - No, Nadja, no, don't, please. 646 00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:29,364 Okay? I didn't know you were even here, 647 00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:30,887 - and I tried to warn you... - Shut up, Guillermo. 648 00:23:30,931 --> 00:23:32,149 I am about to drink 649 00:23:32,193 --> 00:23:34,151 the blood of your entire family 650 00:23:34,195 --> 00:23:35,457 of vampire-killing evil verm... 651 00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:37,067 No, no, stop, okay? Please. 652 00:23:37,111 --> 00:23:38,547 I'm begging you. Just hypnotize them, okay? 653 00:23:38,591 --> 00:23:39,722 Hypnotize them so they forget everything. 654 00:23:39,766 --> 00:23:41,289 Like it or not, they're my family. 655 00:23:41,332 --> 00:23:43,770 Just... just like you're my family, Nadja. 656 00:23:43,813 --> 00:23:46,381 NADJA: I so rarely care what Guillermo thinks 657 00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:47,600 or feels or says or does, 658 00:23:47,643 --> 00:23:49,384 but I know what it is like 659 00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,430 to watch your entire family die in front of you. 660 00:23:51,473 --> 00:23:53,388 And it's not great. 661 00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:56,043 I watched my Uncle Andreas get crushed to death by a donkey, 662 00:23:56,086 --> 00:23:57,436 and the donkey was his wife. 663 00:23:57,479 --> 00:23:59,786 And then she, the donkey, died of alcoholism. 664 00:23:59,829 --> 00:24:03,093 And now I have had no real family for hundreds of years. 665 00:24:03,137 --> 00:24:05,139 Also, if Guillermo doesn't have a family, 666 00:24:05,182 --> 00:24:06,880 is he going to start calling me "mami"? 667 00:24:06,923 --> 00:24:08,751 Bad enough his relationship with Nandor, so, no, thank you. 668 00:24:08,795 --> 00:24:09,752 [RETCHING] 669 00:24:09,796 --> 00:24:11,058 Okay, fine! 670 00:24:11,101 --> 00:24:12,668 - But on one condition. - Anything. 671 00:24:12,712 --> 00:24:15,149 Keep Nandor, Laszlo, and the small Colin creature 672 00:24:15,192 --> 00:24:17,151 away from the house at least one night a month 673 00:24:17,194 --> 00:24:18,457 so I can have it to myself. 674 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:19,458 And... 675 00:24:19,501 --> 00:24:21,895 obtain for me a copy of... 676 00:24:21,938 --> 00:24:26,421 Mamma Mia! 2: Here We Go Again. 677 00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:28,249 I'm just super glad that everything worked out. 678 00:24:28,292 --> 00:24:30,033 And that my family is safe. 679 00:24:30,077 --> 00:24:33,123 And that they were hypnotized and now the house will be safe. 680 00:24:33,167 --> 00:24:34,908 Most importantly, I'm just glad that 681 00:24:34,951 --> 00:24:37,301 they finally know the truth about me. 682 00:24:37,345 --> 00:24:39,042 Well, besides the bit about you working at the railroad. 683 00:24:39,086 --> 00:24:40,043 Okay, yeah. 684 00:24:40,087 --> 00:24:41,392 And the giant bit 685 00:24:41,436 --> 00:24:43,307 about you being desperate to be a vampire. 686 00:24:43,351 --> 00:24:44,874 Okay, yeah, but Nadja made sure 687 00:24:44,918 --> 00:24:46,876 that they remember the part about me... 688 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,575 telling them that I'm gay, so... 689 00:24:49,618 --> 00:24:50,576 NADJA: I mean, 690 00:24:50,619 --> 00:24:51,707 who isn't gay? 691 00:24:51,751 --> 00:24:52,839 A lot of people. 692 00:24:52,882 --> 00:24:54,318 Oh, okay. [WHOOPS] 693 00:24:54,362 --> 00:24:55,972 I'll get the trumpets out. Sorry. 694 00:24:56,016 --> 00:24:58,932 [SIGHS] Shade. 695 00:24:58,975 --> 00:25:01,717 NANDOR: After we vanquished the Jersey Devil, we drove home 696 00:25:01,761 --> 00:25:04,198 - before sunrise. - No, I drove. 697 00:25:04,241 --> 00:25:06,200 We hypnotized Sean, but I'm worried that we fucked him. 698 00:25:06,243 --> 00:25:08,028 - Oh, you can make a pizza tree? - Uh-huh. 699 00:25:08,071 --> 00:25:11,205 SEAN: I just made ten Robux. What's the street value to that? 700 00:25:11,248 --> 00:25:13,424 NANDOR: But we did manage to bring home a little 701 00:25:13,468 --> 00:25:15,165 souvenir from our weekend. 702 00:25:15,209 --> 00:25:16,863 ♪ 703 00:25:16,906 --> 00:25:18,299 What the fuck is that? 704 00:25:20,562 --> 00:25:24,131 ["DEVIL'S GOTTA DANCE" BY BRYAN PAUL BELL PLAYING] 705 00:25:24,174 --> 00:25:26,481 ♪ The devil's got to dance ♪ 706 00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:29,005 ♪ The devil's got to dance ♪ 707 00:25:29,049 --> 00:25:32,922 ♪ The devil's got to dance, the devil's got to dance ♪ 708 00:25:32,966 --> 00:25:37,057 ♪ Just let the preacher know I did due diligence ♪ 709 00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:39,581 ♪ But the saints don't stand a chance ♪ 710 00:25:39,625 --> 00:25:42,453 ♪ If the devil's got to dance ♪ 711 00:25:46,457 --> 00:25:50,549 ♪ The devil's got to dance, the devil's got to dance ♪ 712 00:25:55,466 --> 00:25:58,295 ♪ The devil's got to dance, the devil's got to dance. ♪