1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:08,360 A long time ago in Ireland's capital city, Cork... 2 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:10,040 Give me your fucking phone! 3 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:12,800 ..there lived a psychotic nutjob... 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,480 ..called Billy Murphy. Oooh! 5 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:18,840 Billy spent his time mugging and beating the shit out of everyone. 6 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:23,760 So to pay him back, my best friend Jock found this site on the internet 7 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,680 and ordered a mask of Billy's face. 8 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,160 Hello, Billy. 9 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:34,680 10 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:38,080 That was the birth of Fake Billy. 11 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,320 Turn it up 12 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:42,960 13 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,080 I miss Jock. 14 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:46,360 Thank you! 15 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:49,720 We used to have the best craic, framing Billy. 16 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,560 17 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,920 18 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,480 Fake Billy became a local legend. 19 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,120 Hi, Fake Billy. 20 00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:58,520 Who's the girlfriend? 21 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:00,280 I'm not his girlfriend! 22 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,360 And me, his trusty princess, 23 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:03,960 always by his side... 24 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,640 25 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,080 26 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:08,800 27 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,760 ..until three years ago, when my best friend Jock... 28 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,120 ..and the hero that was Fake Billy... 29 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:17,800 ..got locked up. 30 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,560 Now, all I have left of Jock 31 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,640 is this lighter. 32 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,840 "To the Godfather of my baby girl, 33 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,440 "from your best friend, Jock." 34 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,040 Don't lose it now. I won't. 35 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,080 There's something special about it that can't be replaced. 36 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:39,080 The lighter he gave me is my most prized possession. 37 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:40,480 It's so important to me, 38 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,200 I never let it out of my sight. 39 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,640 Fucking prick! 40 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:52,120 Give me back my lighter, you bollocks! 41 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:56,400 I'm here in front of the mural celebrating local Cork criminal 42 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:57,480 Fake Billy. 43 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,240 At the height of his notoriety, 44 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:00,960 Fake Billy disappeared. 45 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:05,760 Now, two years later, Fake Billy has re-emerged and is back reoffending. 46 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,240 But rumours abound that this is an impostor - 47 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,680 a fake Fake Billy, if you will. 48 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,320 Oh, it's not the same guy at all. 49 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:16,000 About three years ago, Fake Billy was a tall, skinny fella. 50 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:19,200 I reckon that someone got sent to prison 51 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,520 and that someone got that mask somehow. 52 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,360 He's not the same fella. 53 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,400 The fella now is fatter. 54 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:29,480 And when he mugs you, there's a lot less care. 55 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:30,920 He's a rougher mugger. 56 00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,080 I've kissed four of them through the mask, like. 57 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,480 No way they're the same person. 58 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,720 They taste...different. 59 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:39,880 Just cause you look like a duck and... 60 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:41,200 And rob shit like a duck, 61 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:42,920 doesn't mean that you ARE a duck. 62 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:44,680 Do you know what I mean? 63 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:47,360 The questions everyone in Cork is asking - 64 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,680 who is fake Fake Billy? 65 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,560 And where will he strike next? 66 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:55,400 Testing, one, two...! Give it back! 67 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,200 I literally just poured you a glass, like. 68 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:05,960 Oh, battlestations! 69 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,880 Oh... Here's...Billy! 70 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,400 Do you want to go for a game of ball? Nice one. 71 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,280 Go on, Conor, off you go. Oh, something smells nice, Mairead! 72 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,920 I'm eating mine in the bog. You're on your own. 73 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,520 There's not enough food for you, Billy, all right? 74 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,800 With Jock gone, Billy seems to think I need a new friend, 75 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,680 which I don't. 76 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,240 And even if I did, I wouldn't pick a violent prick like him. 77 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,320 Conor! 78 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,200 Agh! What the f... Billy! 79 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,880 I got you good. What the fuck was that for? 80 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,800 Mr Fishy wants to know, would you like to go for a couple of cans? 81 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:42,800 Agh! 82 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,320 What a shot. 83 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:45,680 Did you see that? 84 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,040 Ah... I'll get it. Yeah. 85 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:50,800 Shit... 86 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,720 Look who it is! Conor the convict. 87 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,960 I'm an ex-convict, actually. Oh, so you do understand what an ex is. 88 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,920 Like Linda is your ex-girlfriend. 89 00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:00,960 Stop! 90 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,600 91 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:08,160 92 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:13,320 93 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:16,360 Hi, Linda. Hi, Conor. 94 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:20,000 Hi. I moved on. I'm, eh, not thinking about you any more. 95 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,560 Just so you know, like. 96 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,120 OK. Good to hear. 97 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:26,360 Hi, Star. 98 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,080 Has anyone seen a yellow and black ball? 99 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,320 Isn't it a bit weird that you used to hang out with Jock 100 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:35,680 and pretend to be Billy Murphy? 101 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,760 And now that he's gone, you've replaced him 102 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,480 with the ACTUAL Billy Murphy? 103 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,160 All right. Firstly, I haven't replaced Jock, all right? 104 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,080 Nothing could replace Jock. 105 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,960 And secondly, Billy's just following me around. 106 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,160 I can't get rid of him. 107 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,560 Gi'it here. Nothing but respect for you, boy. 108 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,000 That's not him. 109 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,960 Sorry, I thought you were the real one. I AM the real one. 110 00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,800 No, the real one that wears the mask. 111 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,320 That's the fake one. I'm the real one. 112 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,320 No, you're fucking not. Shut your fucking mouth! 113 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,120 You're just a langer who looks like the real one. 114 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:07,760 Come here to me, you little fucking prick. 115 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,600 Come here. And if I catch you, I'm gonna kill you. 116 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,640 I'll rip your legs off and I'll beat you with 'em. 117 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,040 I know your mam! 118 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,960 I'm gonna call to the house! 119 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,440 120 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:18,840 121 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:20,360 Just, come on. Please. 122 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:21,440 Ss! 123 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:24,080 I'm so over you, like! It's not even funny, like. 124 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:27,000 I'm happy for you. You mean absolutely nothing to me, like, 125 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,600 and...we can just have normal conversations from now on, 126 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,320 all right? And when's that gonna start? 127 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,760 Cos this conversation's definitely not normal. Now. 128 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,720 OK. What would you like to talk about? 129 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,680 Eh, well, that fake Fake Billy prick stole me lighter this morning. 130 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,720 You know, the one Jock gave me for my birthday? 131 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:42,840 Sorry to hear about that. 132 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,240 Sure you're probably just as pissed off about it as I am, like. 133 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,520 Why would we be pissed off? 134 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,280 Cos we're all a part of that legend, 135 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:51,600 and whoever that impostor is has just stolen that legend from us. 136 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:52,800 All that mask means to me 137 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,920 is wasted time with a waster who's now wasting away 138 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:58,120 with the other wasters, so whoever wants that thing can have it. 139 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,760 He's got a hideout in Kinsale. 140 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:03,640 Whose hideout? His! 141 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,160 That good for nothing prick. 142 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,240 How'd you know that? 143 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,440 We went to Kinsale a couple of weeks ago, looking at wedding dresses, 144 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:13,520 and I saw him climbing out of a window 145 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,600 next to the wedding shop with a stolen TV. 146 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,760 Where exactly? I can't tell you that. Why not? 147 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,720 Cos if I do, you'll go after him, won't you? 148 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,640 Well... Chasing after criminals is probably a dumbass thing to do 149 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,360 for someone who's been in prison. 150 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,920 Course I'm not gonna chase after him cos that would be a dumbass thing 151 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,560 for me to do. I know that. 152 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,840 Not that I care what you think anyway, cos i am... Pfft... 153 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,000 ..so over you, like. 154 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,840 155 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:37,640 Psh! Come on. 156 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:41,960 So we're going after him, right? 157 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,840 Brilliant. Getting to go on an adventure with you 158 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:46,720 is gonna be, like, the best thing fucking ever. 159 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:49,120 And in the end, we actually get to murder someone. 160 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,960 Look, Billy, we're not murdering anyone first of all. OK? 161 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,200 Well, I know that, 162 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,960 sure I was just trying to make it sound exciting, like. 163 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,760 D'you know, the way you and Jock have all these stories? 164 00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,000 Maybe this could be one of ours that we could tell people... 165 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,080 Boy, you're not coming, all right? 166 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:03,480 Why not? Cos... 167 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,480 Every time we hang out, you beat the shit out of me. 168 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,400 Ah, not every time! Yes, you do! 169 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,000 Every fucking time. 170 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,840 Well, I won't this time. 171 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:11,960 I promise. 172 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,000 Please? 173 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,040 All right. 174 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,360 But if you so much as harm a hair on my bollocks, 175 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,440 I'm never talking to you again. All right? Like, ever. You got that? 176 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:24,480 Got it. 177 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:26,840 Come on. 178 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,560 C'mere, you must really like this lighter. 179 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,480 Yeah, I like the lighter. 180 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:34,600 That Fake Billy prick better be there. 181 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,640 It's fucking seven euro to Kinsale? 182 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,720 That's why only rich people are living there. 183 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,760 I got you covered. My money is your money. 184 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:45,480 Why do you have a purse and not a wallet like most fellas? 185 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,640 I do have a wallet, but there's nothing in that. 186 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:49,400 But there's plenty of cash in this. 187 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,200 Whose purse is it, Billy? I don't know, I didn't really catch her name 188 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,200 when she ran away screaming! 189 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:57,040 You robbed it? Where else would you think I get a girlie purse? 190 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,960 If I'm caught using stolen money, I'm going to end up back in prison. 191 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,280 All right, fair enough. 192 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:03,680 Wait, no, Billy...! Oh...! 193 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,320 We could have still used it, like! 194 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,680 You want the purse, you don't want the purse. 195 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,080 Will you make up your mind? 196 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,880 Look who it is. 197 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,520 Some smell of piss here, la. 198 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,280 What's he on about? Er, just a difference of opinion. 199 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:17,600 Doesn't matter. About what? 200 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,160 The weather forecast. 201 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,280 I was walking home, minding my own business, when... 202 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:27,000 If it isn't Conor the convict. 203 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,320 Did you forget your umbrella? It's not raining. 204 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,680 Are you sure? Yeah. 205 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,040 Oh, Jesus! Yeugh! God, it's hot! 206 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:35,800 Just let it go, Billy, all right? 207 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,280 Them pissing on you is like they're pissing on me. 208 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,680 I just don't want you to escalate things. Come on. All right, langers. 209 00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,440 What in the fuck d'you want? 210 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:47,880 Oh, I just figured out why escalators are called escalators... 211 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:49,360 Oh! My nose! 212 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:50,640 Whoopsie! 213 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,920 I think I might have just escalated things. Sure! 214 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:56,480 Right, which one of ye pricks is fucking next? 215 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,600 Oh, will you look who it is? 216 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,640 Fucking Boyzone! 217 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:07,880 Time to de-escalate things. 218 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,960 Give Him A Ball by Sultans Of Ping F.C. 219 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,720 220 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:13,480 221 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,040 222 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,320 It's like Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid. 223 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,440 I don't know who that is! 224 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,280 225 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,360 226 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,040 227 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,360 and a yard of grass 228 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,040 with a perfect pass... 229 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,600 Get the fuck away! 230 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,160 and a yard of space... 231 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,640 Ah, shut yourself... 232 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,360 goodly grace... 233 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,440 Hey! 234 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,520 There they are, look. 235 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,800 Really sorry! 236 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,400 Where the fuck have they gone? 237 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,200 Find 'em, will ya? 238 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,920 Are they gone yet? 239 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,640 Cos I'm sitting on a bag of used nappies here. 240 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,360 Looks like they were heading to Kinsale. 241 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:12,760 What time IS the bus to Kinsale? 242 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:16,800 Do you think I'd be standing here like a fucking gomey if I knew that? 243 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,880 Does anyone know how to read these bus timetables? 244 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,760 You'd need a fucking maths degree to work them out. 245 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:21,920 What are you doing? 246 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,600 We need to get to Kinsale, 247 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:27,160 and we can't get the bus because you made me throw the purse away, 248 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,760 so we can either walk the 30K to Kinsale, 249 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,800 or we can do what yourself and Jock used to do. 250 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:33,440 Well, I did... 251 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,760 I'm not sure Billy has ever had a friend, 252 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,440 or at least one that he hasn't, 253 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,200 like, beaten the shit out of or robbed. 254 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,960 Being a friend takes practice, 255 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,520 and as nice as it is to see Billy making an effort, 256 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,520 I just wish he wasn't practising on me. 257 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,480 What's that bit between your legs? 258 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,520 You know, the bit between your balls and your ass. 259 00:10:58,520 --> 00:10:59,640 What's that called? 260 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,640 I don't fucking know! What do you think I am, a biologist? 261 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,600 Well, yours must be made out of fucking leather! 262 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:04,720 Mine is killing me. 263 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:07,320 Yeah, well, it toughens up over time, like. 264 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,240 Mine's like an old leather couch. 265 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,120 I've got an idea. 266 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:16,520 If we hang on to that trailer, 267 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,120 it might drag us all the way to Kinsale. 268 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:20,360 Good idea. 269 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,440 10 Spots by The Love Buzz 270 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,040 Be careful, though, it's dangerous riding with one hand. Fuck off! 271 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,240 Billy! 272 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,040 Billy, what did I say to you earlier? 273 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,400 That doesn't count as me hurting you. 274 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,040 The road hurt you, not me. 275 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:46,880 Oh, yeah, fine, all right. 276 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,640 On the bright side, we don't own the two bikes 277 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:55,160 that we just made shit out of. 278 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,600 Oh, I think I broke a rib. 279 00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:00,400 You all right? Yeah, they're always breaking. 280 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,920 That wheel is fucked and that wheel is fucked. Yeah. 281 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,720 But if we put that wheel on that bike, 282 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,040 you might be able to give me a crosser to Kinsale. 283 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,040 Fair play, Billy, that's a good idea. 284 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,920 Hey, we won't be able to use it if you do that! 285 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,880 You've gotta hand it to Billy... 286 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,000 Ah! ..he's not someone who gives up easily. 287 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,480 Shake. That's it. 288 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:24,520 Hey! 289 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,040 290 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:37,440 from a hurricane system 291 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:38,760 292 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:43,560 I stood my ground a thousand times 293 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:50,080 I think you would feel similar 294 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:54,960 red with your blood... 295 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,360 Oh, I've got bruises going both ways! 296 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,560 I'm like a fucking hot cross bun. You're grand. 297 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:02,960 What have we got here, lads? 298 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,960 I wouldn't leave that unattended. 299 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,520 We've had a few bike thefts in the area lately. 300 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,280 Oh, Jesus, Gard, that's... That's awful. 301 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,440 Shocking. 302 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:12,960 Shocking altogether. 303 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,040 Yeah, yeah. 304 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,120 Could you tell me, Gard, 305 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,720 do you know where the wedding shop is around here at all? 306 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,880 You're winding me up now. There's five below. 307 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:22,600 Five? Everyone must be getting married in Kinsale - or is married. 308 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,480 There's no point in trying to get your hole here, or what? 309 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,320 See you, Gard. 310 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,440 Fuck! 311 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,280 Look, Kinsale's only so big. 312 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,240 Let's spread out, buddy. Oh, Jesus! 313 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,120 Sorry! Billy, I've told you already! 314 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,200 I didn't mean... I've told you, all right? 315 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,920 Ah, that was just a friendly... It's your last chance. 316 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,280 ..friendly...tap. 317 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,760 Stop it, stop it! 318 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,160 All right, Billy, here's our MO - 319 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,360 we go to all the wedding shops till we find the one 320 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,560 Linda's getting her dress from. 321 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:50,720 Then we find that fake Billy's hideout next door. 322 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,240 All right? Got it. 323 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:56,440 Wedding dresses are supposed to make people feel happy. 324 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,560 When I see them, 325 00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,840 it just makes me want to punch the face off Gavin Madigan. 326 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,880 Do you I think this is it? Yeah? 327 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:07,240 You look...amazing. 328 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,040 Slaughterhouse. 329 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,120 Can I help ye? 330 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:13,840 Uh, just wondering, did Linda Walsh get her wedding dress here? 331 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:18,480 I am Linda Walsh's fiance man. 332 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,680 You're her fiance, is it, yeah? Yes. 333 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:23,120 And I'm just wondering, did she get her dress here, 334 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,240 so I can get a matching suit? 335 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,920 No Linda Walsh, I'm afraid, so, er... 336 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,240 Are you sure? Will you double-check? 337 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,200 I'm absolutely positive. So sorry, lads. 338 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,920 Now, if you don't mind jogging on out of me shop. 339 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,720 You know, someday we're going to come back 340 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,840 and buy all of this, you know? Yeah. 341 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,960 Big mistake. Huge! 342 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,600 If you don't want people to smoke in your shop, 343 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,640 then you should have a sign. 344 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,000 Right, I've created a group chat called 345 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,280 Kick Conor MacSweeney's Fucking Hole. 346 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,760 If you see him, send a message. All right. 347 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:05,800 Split up! 348 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:11,240 If you're ever looking for a free meal, 349 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:15,520 the "free pints from the bar owner" trick always works a treat. 350 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,440 Lads, the landlady's divorce is after coming through. 351 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,600 If you want to head in, she's giving out free pints. 352 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,680 I'll bring them in for ye. 353 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:22,920 That's brilliant. 354 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,280 Work away there, lads. Thanks, boy! 355 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,040 Go, go, go, go, go! 356 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,040 The food in Kinsale is actually really nice. 357 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,680 Bit pricey, though. 358 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,920 Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? 359 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:45,320 Uh, yeah, sure. 360 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:48,560 What do you like about me? 361 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:52,360 Uh... 362 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,600 Uh... I'll make it easy on you. 363 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,160 I'll do you first. 364 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:58,920 I like you because even though 365 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,240 I don't think as clearly as most people, 366 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,440 you take the time to listen to me and you don't judge me. 367 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:10,240 Thanks, Billy. Don't thank me, thank yourself, 368 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,720 because you're such a good person. 369 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,640 Now, what do you like about me? 370 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,600 Take your time...but make it good. 371 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,360 Uh... 372 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:24,400 Uh... 373 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:29,840 Uh... Don't take too long either, though. 374 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,840 Uh... Come on, spit it out. 375 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,880 Sorry. Uh, you're loyal. Loyal? 376 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,960 Yeah, well, look, apart from me mam, you were the only one who gave 377 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,560 a shit about me when I got out of prison. 378 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:42,040 So I guess, in your own way, you were there for me, 379 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,720 so, loyal, yeah. 380 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:45,760 Loyal? 381 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,320 Dogs are loyal. 382 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,400 Well... And I like dogs, so... 383 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,400 ..I'll take that. 384 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:57,640 I'll be your dog. 385 00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,200 Jesus Christ! 386 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,840 Why are you so tense around me all the time? 387 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,600 Cos I never know if you're going to laugh or punch me in the face. 388 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,400 I'll be honest with you, I never know myself. 389 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:10,840 And it's a total balls, 390 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,560 because I think it's started affecting 391 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:13,960 my relationship with people. 392 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,360 If you gave yourself a few moments before you react, 393 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:19,720 you might not end up punching someone every time. 394 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,160 Yeah, that's a good idea. We might give that a shot. 395 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,680 Could you say something nasty to me? 396 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,600 Billy, I don't think that's a good idea at all. 397 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:31,400 Just to practise. 398 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:32,640 Go on, go on. 399 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,160 OK. 400 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,840 Billy, you are a crazy dickhead... 401 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:40,840 Jesus, like. Sorry. Sorry. 402 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,960 Billy! Muscle memory. 403 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,560 Go again? Yeah, yeah. 404 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,640 This time, all right, just take three seconds before you react, OK? 405 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,320 Yeah, yeah. All right. 406 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:56,720 Billy, you're a headcase scumbag, and nobody likes you. 407 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:57,760 One... 408 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,360 ..two... 409 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:05,440 ..three. 410 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,000 You actually fucking think that, though, don't ya? 411 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,200 You think I'm a headcase scumbag? No, man. 412 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,280 Argh! 413 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,400 Oh, shit! I'm, sorry, I didn't mean that! 414 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,440 I'm sorry, it's the... Get away from me, boy. 415 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,560 Do you know why nobody wants to be your friend? 416 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,080 It's because you're a psychopath who robs your neighbour 417 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,600 and beats the shit out of everyone. I said I'm sorry! 418 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,040 Look, why don't we go and look for that Fake Billy fella 419 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,280 and we can get your lighter. 420 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:30,920 Just leave me alone! 421 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,320 I don't ever want to see you again, all right? 422 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:34,760 Are you OK? Move! 423 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,080 Fuck, fuck... 424 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,400 THICK, THICK, THICK, THICK! 425 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:43,720 Shit! 426 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,640 THICK, THICK, THICK, THICK! 427 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,840 Shit! 428 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,160 Got ya. 429 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,840 What's the craic? Are you OK? 430 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,400 Yeah, why? 431 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,080 The... Oh, right. 432 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,320 Sorry, it's fine. 433 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:28,960 I just walked into a wall. 434 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,720 Listen, happens to the best of us. Yeah, yeah. 435 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:31,960 Is there something I can help you with? 436 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:35,120 Yeah, did a Linda Walsh buy her wedding dress here? 437 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,520 Oh, I remember Linda. 438 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,000 She was in a couple of weeks ago. Gorgeous girl. 439 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,720 She is, yeah. Are you the groom?! 440 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,040 I am, yeah. Didn't you do very well for yourself there? 441 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:44,160 I did, yeah. 442 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:46,040 To be honest, you're probably punching above your weight a... 443 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,720 Yeah, fine. Is she there in the book? Yeah, yeah, hang on. 444 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,640 Uh, Linda... So, you're Gavin Madigan? 445 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:53,920 Yeah, yeah, that's me. 446 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,440 She had nothing but good things to say about you. 447 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:56,920 Yeah, well I... Very considerate guy, apparently. 448 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,800 I'm not that great, all right? I'm a bit of a weasel. 449 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,600 Wait till you see what I've done for the suit for you - 450 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,360 absolutely fantastic. Come on, it's out the back. 451 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:03,480 Great. 452 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,840 You'll have to try it on. 453 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:07,400 Perfect fit. 454 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,080 Yourself and Linda are going to look wonderful on the big day. 455 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,520 Good to meet you. 456 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,080 I do. 457 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,000 I do. 458 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,360 LINDA, FLASHBACK: And I saw him climbing out of a window 459 00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:44,240 next to the wedding shop with a stolen TV. 460 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:11,200 Jesus. 461 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,120 Who's there?! 462 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:23,520 Oh, fuck. 463 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,280 All right, Colonel Pissy Pants? 464 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,800 Come out to play-ay! 465 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,120 There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, 466 00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,760 no-one to protect you. 467 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:32,960 Right, back off! 468 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,680 I'm warning ye! Oh, I'm gonna piss all over you - 469 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:38,840 in your ears, on your toes. 470 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:42,560 I'm gonna rip off your head and piss down your neck! 471 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,960 What's your thing about pissing on people, boy?! 472 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,680 I don't know, I just really like it. 473 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,240 Makes us all look a bit fucking weird, don't you think? 474 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,720 I'm just gonna batter you. 475 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,160 Oh, you're after hitting my sister! 476 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,640 Oh, that's your sister? You all right, Claire? 477 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:57,680 Claire? 478 00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,560 Are you all just gonna stand there like pricks? Get him! 479 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:00,960 I would never... No! 480 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:03,440 Let me go! 481 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,240 Finish him off! Get it away! 482 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,040 Below the neck, below the neck! 483 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:09,600 Just get it over with, God damn it! 484 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:12,880 What the f...? 485 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:21,560 Let me go! 486 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:29,520 Cock shot! Argh, my dick! 487 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,400 Sorry, boy. Sorry. 488 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:41,720 Let me at him! 489 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:43,840 Get him! 490 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,520 Go on, go on, go on! 491 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,320 Get out of here! 492 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:57,640 Run! 493 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:00,480 Run! 494 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,160 Who do you think you are robbing my lighter? 495 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:14,400 My best friend gave me that lighter! 496 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:15,840 You clearly have no code, 497 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,600 because every langer knows you don't steal shit from people 498 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,640 that is of sentimental value. 499 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,240 It's just mean! 500 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:23,400 Don't get me wrong, 501 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,480 I appreciate what you did back there, but I'm all conflicted now 502 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:27,920 because you really pissed me off, 503 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:31,160 and you don't own that mask either, so take it off! 504 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:34,080 Take off... 505 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:36,520 ..the mask. 506 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:40,880 ARGH! 507 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:42,240 Take off the mask! 508 00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:44,400 Take it off! 509 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:45,960 Take off the mask! 510 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:48,600 Take it off! 511 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,400 Take off the mask! 512 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,520 The only person who has a right to wear that mask 513 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:54,880 is my friend. 514 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:59,280 Your days of wearing his mask are over, boy! 515 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,280 GAH! 516 00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:07,400 Billy? 517 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,760 You're like one of them Russian dolls. 518 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,080 What?! When did...? 519 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:25,720 I found the mask about a year ago down Devil's Walk. 520 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,040 At first I was going to burn it, 521 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,480 because it caused me so much pain throughout the years. 522 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,880 But then I thought...well, like, 523 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,440 everyone hates me, but they love Fake Billy. 524 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:39,760 I wanted to know... 525 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,200 ..what if I put on the mask? 526 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:48,160 How would it feel, like, to be a version of me that... 527 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:51,800 ..well, that everybody liked? 528 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:02,120 Would you like a hot chocolate? 529 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,200 You've got low-fat milk? 530 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,040 I got marshmallows. 531 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,000 Hiya! Hi, mam. 532 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:19,400 Billy, not a hope. Get out! 533 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,160 Mam, I invited him to stay for dinner. 534 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:22,800 Is that all right? 535 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,280 Well, it's not like you've given me a fucking choice now, is it? 536 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:26,480 I don't want to be any trouble. 537 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:27,760 I'll head off, like. 538 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,560 You're grand, Billy. Come on, sit down. 539 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:31,400 Come on. 540 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,840 Thanks, Mairead. All right. 541 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:36,040 Mm! 542 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:38,800 Jesus, Conor, what happened you?! Huh? 543 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,560 Oh, right. 544 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:42,680 Me and Billy went out on a bike ride to Kinsale, 545 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:46,080 and Billy had this bright idea to hold on to the back of a tractor. 546 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:47,920 And the bike went from under me. 547 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:50,400 And we were riding and he was like ET in the front. 548 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,040 I was like that Evil Knievel fella. 549 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:54,120 Do you remember him? He used to go over the buses and stuff. 550 00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:55,800 That's what it was like. Yeah. 551 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,960 You're enjoying that, anyway. Oh, it's lovely. 552 00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:59,280 Does Tony have any dinner, then? 553 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:02,240 No, that's Tony's dinner. Even better! 554 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:04,040 We don't always get to choose our friends. 555 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:06,440 He'll probably bring home a load of doughnuts anyway... 556 00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:08,240 Sometimes they choose us. 557 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:13,520 And the ones that do choose us... 558 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:15,120 Ah, lads, give him a break. 559 00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:19,160 ..they're usually the ones who need a friend the most. 560 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,320 I'm here in Cork, and with me, 561 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:29,000 I have the man who was the inspiration behind Fake Billy. 562 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:32,800 Mr Murphy, how did it feel to have your identity stolen? 563 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:33,960 The last few weeks 564 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:37,360 have been an incredibly difficult time for me and my family. 565 00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:42,200 I feel not only has my identity been stolen, but my reputation too. 566 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,760 Every crime has a victim, and this victim's face is mine. 567 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,240 And the fact that the face that commits this crime is also mine 568 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,240 is like a double hard pill to swallow. 569 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:56,200 Thank you to An Garda Siochana and all my friends and family. 570 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:57,440 I would ask you... 571 00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:00,600 please to respect my privacy at this moment. 572 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:02,680 Fuck off! 573 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,800 Such is the effect of such a shocking crime. 574 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:06,920 I'm gonna kill ya! 575 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:10,400 Dibnah Derocha, reporting from Cork. 576 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:13,280 They're gone. 577 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:15,680 That's good. 578 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:21,840 I own this prison. 579 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:25,360 It's mine. 580 00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:28,280 581 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:32,000 First One by DJ Bad Finn