1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:05,200 Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show. 2 00:00:05,230 --> 00:00:06,070 Chappelle's Show. 3 00:00:06,070 --> 00:00:06,970 Chappelle's Show. 4 00:00:06,970 --> 00:00:07,840 Chappelle's Show. 5 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,100 Ow. 6 00:00:09,140 --> 00:00:11,710 Woo hoo hoo. 7 00:00:11,740 --> 00:00:13,010 Woo hoo. 8 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,610 Yeah yeah. 9 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,210 Let's start the show. 10 00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:24,750 (announcer) Give it up right now, for my man, Dave Chappelle! 11 00:00:24,750 --> 00:00:26,890 (applauding) 12 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:29,930 Oh... yes! 13 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,960 Hey, thank you, brother, thank you. 14 00:00:32,990 --> 00:00:34,700 All right, everybody. 15 00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:37,300 Have a seat, man, let's all relax. 16 00:00:37,730 --> 00:00:39,030 Thanks for coming back. 17 00:00:39,030 --> 00:00:41,200 Welcome to Chappelle's Show. 18 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:42,970 You know, we've been getting a little flack in the press. 19 00:00:42,970 --> 00:00:44,670 I don't know if you guys have seen some things 20 00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:47,310 that were written calling us controversial, 21 00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:49,290 which I was surprised about. 22 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,780 That's the thing about being on TV, 23 00:00:50,780 --> 00:00:53,380 you just never can say what you wanna say, man. 24 00:00:53,380 --> 00:00:55,120 'Cause, if I said everything I thought 25 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:56,850 it would just freak America out. 26 00:00:56,850 --> 00:00:59,450 You wouldn't wanna hear a young black dude 27 00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:02,060 saying half the things I be thinking. 28 00:01:02,060 --> 00:01:04,220 The only way people would listen to the stuff I think 29 00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:07,660 is if a pretty white girl sang my thoughts. 30 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:12,000 And I actually happen to have a pretty white girl here. 31 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,200 Pretty white girl, come on out. 32 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,900 She's in my contract. 33 00:01:15,940 --> 00:01:17,210 (cheering) 34 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,240 Good evening, pretty white woman. 35 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,410 Thank you for being here. 36 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,860 I have some things I need to get off my chest. 37 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:38,460 Crack was invented and distributed 38 00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:44,970 to intentionally destroy the black community. 39 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,170 AIDS was too. 40 00:01:54,940 --> 00:02:00,150 The police never look for Tupac and Biggie's murderers. 41 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:05,790 Fuck the police. 42 00:02:05,820 --> 00:02:10,990 (applause) 43 00:02:14,030 --> 00:02:20,100 What ever happened to that recount in Florida 44 00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:26,610 O.J. didn't do it. 45 00:02:30,510 --> 00:02:33,980 On second thought, yeah he did. 46 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:42,220 Gay sex is gross. 47 00:02:42,660 --> 00:02:46,130 Sorry I just find it to be gross, 48 00:02:48,730 --> 00:02:54,370 unless of course they're lesbians. 49 00:02:58,270 --> 00:03:02,180 I like lesbians. 50 00:03:04,780 --> 00:03:08,680 I like lesbians. 51 00:03:10,420 --> 00:03:13,460 for real, I like lesbians. 52 00:03:15,190 --> 00:03:17,790 But I digress from my point... 53 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:23,870 All Chinese people look alikThe Wrap It Up Boxe. 54 00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:30,370 So do white people. 55 00:03:32,970 --> 00:03:36,010 Pretty much anyone who isn't black 56 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:39,480 looks alike to me. 57 00:03:43,820 --> 00:03:49,460 Oh I want to stick my thumb in J-Lo's butt 58 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,040 I wouldn't mind sticking a finger or two 59 00:04:02,070 --> 00:04:06,810 up that singing white girl's butt either. 60 00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:13,750 Call me on my cell, 917... 61 00:04:20,690 --> 00:04:24,160 (applause) 62 00:04:30,230 --> 00:04:34,140 And now it's time to collect ad revenue 63 00:04:34,170 --> 00:04:37,610 for Comedy Central. 64 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:41,510 (cheering) 65 00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:50,190 Revenue they don't share with my black ass. 66 00:04:50,220 --> 00:04:54,090 (cheers and applause) 67 00:04:57,130 --> 00:05:00,600 Real sex, street interviews, take one! 68 00:05:00,630 --> 00:05:03,230 (cameraman) Sophia, what's the craziest thing you ever did sexually? 69 00:05:03,230 --> 00:05:05,830 Um, the craziest thing I ever did sexually... 70 00:05:05,830 --> 00:05:07,570 Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay... 71 00:05:07,570 --> 00:05:10,170 One time, I had a three way with these two guys in college 72 00:05:10,170 --> 00:05:12,770 and my sorority sisters were, like, cheering me on. 73 00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:15,340 Yeah, that'd be it, that'd be it. 74 00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:17,110 (cameraman) What about you, sir? 75 00:05:17,110 --> 00:05:20,980 Craziest thing I ever did sexually? 76 00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:23,180 That'd probably be having sex with old Gangbang here, 77 00:05:23,180 --> 00:05:24,890 without a rubber. 78 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,050 We're fuckin' done, man! 79 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:27,960 This date is over! 80 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,260 Wait a minute, hold up. 81 00:05:29,260 --> 00:05:30,960 I'm gonna kill you. 82 00:05:30,990 --> 00:05:32,260 Get off me. 83 00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:38,330 Chappelle's Show. Ow. 84 00:05:38,370 --> 00:05:42,240 You know, uh, in the quest to get paid 85 00:05:42,270 --> 00:05:44,870 I have devised a new scheme, ladies and gentlemen, 86 00:05:44,870 --> 00:05:47,880 which is not an easy thing to do, but I've got it. 87 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,480 I'm gonna have my own phone line 88 00:05:50,510 --> 00:05:52,250 like Miss Cleo, you understand? 89 00:05:52,250 --> 00:05:54,820 But I'm gonna do mine real. 90 00:05:54,850 --> 00:05:56,120 You see? 91 00:05:56,150 --> 00:05:58,720 Miss Cleo lies, she's phony. 92 00:05:58,750 --> 00:06:02,220 I've got a nagging suspicion that bitch ain't Jamaican, 93 00:06:02,220 --> 00:06:03,520 you know what I'm saying? 94 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:07,400 (laughing) 95 00:06:07,430 --> 00:06:10,000 I couldn't prove it. 96 00:06:10,430 --> 00:06:12,170 But check mine out. 97 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:16,070 (woman) Dave Chappelle's Educated Guess Line. 98 00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:18,270 Dave Chappelle is not a psychic. 99 00:06:18,270 --> 00:06:20,870 He is merely a racist, who believes that stereotypes 100 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,580 dictate our futures. 101 00:06:23,010 --> 00:06:25,180 (woman's voice) My boyfriend says my butt's too big. 102 00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:26,510 Why would he say that? 103 00:06:26,510 --> 00:06:28,250 My old boyfriend liked it just fine. 104 00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:29,950 Okay. 105 00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:31,290 Okay, have you gained weight? 106 00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:32,120 No. 107 00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:34,760 Okay, so your current boyfriend is white. 108 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,460 Oh my gosh, yes! 109 00:06:36,490 --> 00:06:38,660 Yeah, and your old boyfriend is black, ain't he? 110 00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:40,830 Oh my god, how did you know that? 111 00:06:40,830 --> 00:06:43,860 Because a brother can't get enough of that ass. 112 00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:46,030 Hold up, I'm seeing something... 113 00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:47,300 It's your parents! 114 00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:48,170 Oh, god. 115 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,770 They're angry, real angry! 116 00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:54,240 They kicked you out for dating a black dude, didn't they? 117 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,010 Oh, my god, there's no way you could have known that 118 00:06:56,010 --> 00:06:57,400 unless you knew me! 119 00:06:57,710 --> 00:06:59,480 Or if I dated four white girls myself. 120 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:00,820 Thanks for playing. 121 00:07:01,180 --> 00:07:05,520 Dave Chappelle's insights will astound you. 122 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:07,720 (man with foreign accent) Hello, is this Dave Chappelle? 123 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,160 All right, I'm hearing an accent. 124 00:07:10,290 --> 00:07:11,190 You from south of the border? 125 00:07:11,190 --> 00:07:12,890 You amaze me, man! 126 00:07:12,930 --> 00:07:15,530 Oh, hold on, there... is your name Miguel? 127 00:07:15,530 --> 00:07:16,800 It is! 128 00:07:16,830 --> 00:07:17,670 Bam! 129 00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:19,430 All right, all right go ahead, dog. 130 00:07:19,430 --> 00:07:22,040 So, David, I was driving on the freeway. 131 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,610 Stop... driving. 132 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:26,370 You drive a pickup truck, don't you, Miguel? 133 00:07:26,370 --> 00:07:28,510 Yes, I do. 134 00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:30,240 And you don't have insurance, do you? 135 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,550 No, I don't. 136 00:07:31,580 --> 00:07:32,850 Bam! 137 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:36,750 Sometimes, Dave will talk with a phony baloney Jamaican accent. 138 00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:39,350 (Jamaican accent) The cards don't lie! 139 00:07:39,350 --> 00:07:41,090 Lord have mercy! 140 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:42,820 Hello? 141 00:07:42,860 --> 00:07:45,460 (woman) Collect call from a correctional facility, 142 00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:46,760 will you accept the charges? 143 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:47,630 Yes, I will. 144 00:07:47,630 --> 00:07:48,900 Go ahead, sir. 145 00:07:48,930 --> 00:07:50,660 All right, before you even say anything, 146 00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:51,970 you black, ain't you? 147 00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:54,570 (man) Yo, this nigga is off the hook! 148 00:07:54,570 --> 00:07:56,270 Wait a minute, I see something! 149 00:07:56,270 --> 00:07:57,140 What? 150 00:07:57,170 --> 00:07:58,470 You getting out of jail! 151 00:07:58,470 --> 00:07:59,740 Say word, son! 152 00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:02,810 You're walking out, you are free as a bird! 153 00:08:02,810 --> 00:08:03,650 Hold up. 154 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,280 I'm seeing something... it's six weeks later... 155 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,850 You going right back in the jail 156 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,590 for the same shit. 157 00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:11,490 What kinda psychic... 158 00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:12,750 (dial tone) 159 00:08:12,790 --> 00:08:14,520 Call this number now, and let Dave 160 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,520 or one of his educated guessers tell you your future. 161 00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:19,730 It's only 99 cents for the first minute, 162 00:08:19,730 --> 00:08:21,460 2.50 each additional minute. 163 00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:23,200 You can't afford not to have your future read 164 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:24,900 based on stereotypes. 165 00:08:24,930 --> 00:08:28,840 (Jamaican accent) Call me now for a bumble-cluck reading! 166 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,540 (mumbling) 167 00:08:32,710 --> 00:08:33,580 Hey, y'all, 168 00:08:34,010 --> 00:08:35,310 flippity-flap, flippity-float, flippity-fleep, 169 00:08:35,310 --> 00:08:37,050 here comes some jokes! 170 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,110 (announcer) For years, we've all watched celebrities accepting awards 171 00:08:40,110 --> 00:08:41,850 get played off by the house orchestra 172 00:08:41,850 --> 00:08:44,410 when their speech runs on too long. 173 00:08:44,420 --> 00:08:45,750 My parents were really disappointed 174 00:08:45,750 --> 00:08:47,450 when I dropped out of school for that year, 175 00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,660 but I felt like I really just needed to find myself. 176 00:08:49,660 --> 00:08:50,760 Word? 177 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,260 But then, you know, I was like, you know what? 178 00:08:52,260 --> 00:08:54,400 Let me just go to Howard like my father, you know? 179 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:55,730 Well, then, my girlfriend Gina, she called me up, 180 00:08:55,730 --> 00:08:58,770 she said, "girl, you have got to get down to Emery, 181 00:08:58,770 --> 00:08:59,630 down to Hotlanta! 182 00:08:59,630 --> 00:09:01,340 I was like Gina, number one, 183 00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:03,100 why are you calling me up, trying to confuse me? 184 00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:04,840 You know Spelman's in Atlanta, too. 185 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,280 Second of all, you know I'm vacillating here, trying to... 186 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,010 with "The Wrap It Up Box," 187 00:09:10,010 --> 00:09:13,560 you've got that same power, right in your pocket. 188 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:15,680 So then I just went to Howard, where I majored in sociology, 189 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,850 and made a lot of friends and had a really good time! 190 00:09:17,850 --> 00:09:20,420 So that was college, how about you? 191 00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:27,830 From the makers of the Home Stenographer comes 192 00:09:27,830 --> 00:09:29,530 "the wrap it up box!" 193 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,600 It's like being the director of an awards show 194 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:33,880 everywhere you go! 195 00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:35,600 (pounding gavel) 196 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:39,540 Young man, you've been found guilty by a jury of your peers. 197 00:09:39,540 --> 00:09:42,140 The crime you've committed was very serious, 198 00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:43,440 and before I sentence you, 199 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,050 I'd like to say a few words about your arrest record... 200 00:09:46,050 --> 00:09:47,320 What the hell? 201 00:09:47,350 --> 00:09:49,520 Yo, the sign is real simple, "b", 202 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,650 it says, "wrap it up." 203 00:09:51,690 --> 00:09:53,390 Wrap that shit up, "b"! 204 00:09:53,390 --> 00:09:55,930 I don't think that's a good idea. 205 00:09:55,990 --> 00:09:57,290 Man, you want some too? 206 00:09:57,290 --> 00:09:58,630 You'd better wrap it up! 207 00:09:58,630 --> 00:10:00,330 (pounding gavel) 208 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,100 You'd better wrap that gavel up, "b"! 209 00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:05,100 That's what I'm talking about. 210 00:10:05,130 --> 00:10:06,870 That's what I was telling you. 211 00:10:06,870 --> 00:10:09,870 With "The Wrap It Up Box," things will come to an end 212 00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:12,040 at the perfect time... 213 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,810 whenever you want them to. 214 00:10:13,810 --> 00:10:16,810 I'm gonna rock it tonight! 215 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,450 Have you ever felt this in your life? 216 00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:21,620 I'm taking you on a journey, girl! 217 00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:25,920 (moaning) 218 00:10:25,950 --> 00:10:26,790 Psych! 219 00:10:27,220 --> 00:10:28,990 Psych, you thought I was done didn't you? 220 00:10:28,990 --> 00:10:30,260 It ain't over. 221 00:10:30,290 --> 00:10:33,730 (music playing) 222 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,330 For real? Not even close? 223 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,370 Not even close. 224 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,570 Hold on, now, hang in there with me. 225 00:10:41,570 --> 00:10:42,670 How about that? 226 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:43,740 Hey, can you read? 227 00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:45,440 Wrap it up. 228 00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:47,210 You need to wrap it up! 229 00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:49,340 Wrap it up! (moaning) 230 00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,680 That's a wrap! 231 00:10:53,710 --> 00:10:54,980 Woo! 232 00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:01,060 "The Wrap It Up Box," in stores now! 233 00:11:01,090 --> 00:11:02,390 Available at all Walbogs. 234 00:11:02,390 --> 00:11:04,120 Stop skipping your remedial class. 235 00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:06,290 It's the finals, you're gonna need it to pass 236 00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:08,460 and you don't need these big Brooklyn feet in your ass. 237 00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:09,760 So keep my name out your mouth 238 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,500 and your mind on your task. 239 00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:12,800 And if you think that I'm talking about you 240 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,070 in these bars. 241 00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:15,800 If the shoe fits, shut the fuck up, 242 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,700 and walk it off. 243 00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:17,970 It's Brooklyn. 244 00:11:26,210 --> 00:11:29,680 Yeah, yes. 245 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,720 Hey, welcome back, gang. 246 00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:35,320 Yes, welcome back. 247 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,960 Now, I don't know how many of you guys are from my generation; 248 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:41,830 the Pepsi generation, Generation "X", they called us. 249 00:11:41,860 --> 00:11:44,460 I refer to us as the Reagan babies. 250 00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:48,770 Anyone who grew up around Reagan had drug-awareness week, right? 251 00:11:48,770 --> 00:11:50,970 Now, I don't know if you guys know at home 252 00:11:50,970 --> 00:11:53,110 what drug-awareness week is. 253 00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:57,450 That is a week of drug education for children in schools. 254 00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,210 And at the end of the week, 255 00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:02,250 to really drive the point home to the youth, 256 00:12:02,250 --> 00:12:04,420 they always have a real, live crackhead 257 00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:06,990 come talk to the kids. 258 00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:10,460 I know that was the case at my school. 259 00:12:10,490 --> 00:12:14,150 And tonight, we have a tape of just such an event. 260 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,100 Please enjoy. 261 00:12:16,530 --> 00:12:19,170 He's been away for a while but he's back around. 262 00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:20,900 Y'all tell anybody, I'll kill you! 263 00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:22,170 I'll kill you! 264 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,370 The goofiest crackhead in the town. 265 00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:26,940 Peanut butter and crack sandwich! 266 00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:29,140 He kicked his habit back in the joint, 267 00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:30,010 now he's back on point. 268 00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:31,310 Look out crack, here I come! 269 00:12:31,310 --> 00:12:33,010 (crashing) 270 00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:36,050 He's finally home he's Tyrone. 271 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,990 (narrator) This week, Tyrone visits a local middle school 272 00:12:39,990 --> 00:12:42,120 to promote drug awareness. 273 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:45,160 We have a very special surprise today. 274 00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:49,060 Let's hear it for Tyrone Biggums! 275 00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:52,100 (applauding) 276 00:12:52,130 --> 00:12:54,270 Hi, kids! 277 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,470 Thank you very much, teacher! 278 00:12:59,510 --> 00:13:03,810 It is truly an honor and a privilege 279 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:07,720 for me to be here at Pinehurst school, 280 00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:11,620 or whatever your school is called, today. 281 00:13:11,650 --> 00:13:13,380 I say it's a privilege, 282 00:13:13,390 --> 00:13:17,700 because it's a violation of my parole to be around children. 283 00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:19,860 But enough about that. 284 00:13:19,890 --> 00:13:22,900 Hello, little boys and little girls. 285 00:13:22,930 --> 00:13:25,930 Mm, mm, mm. 286 00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:30,270 Kids, y'all are looking at a dead man. 287 00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:33,310 I should not be in front of you today! 288 00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:40,250 Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life. 289 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:45,020 I started doing drugs when I was little, just like you, fellow. 290 00:13:45,050 --> 00:13:46,750 Me and my friends would go home 291 00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:48,920 and smoke marijuana after school. 292 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,660 Can you say marijuana? 293 00:13:51,090 --> 00:13:53,260 (all the children) Marijuana. 294 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,030 That's what I was smoking. 295 00:13:55,030 --> 00:13:56,760 Sometimes, dipped in embalming fluid. 296 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,370 And me and my friends would laugh and giggle 297 00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:01,100 and eat all the cookies! 298 00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,370 It was terrible. 299 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,110 Terrible. 300 00:14:04,140 --> 00:14:05,440 I can definitely say, 301 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,440 he was the absolute worst anti-drug speaker 302 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,610 in the history of drugs. 303 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:14,520 Then I upgraded to a little drug called acid... 304 00:14:14,550 --> 00:14:16,720 very inexpensive and affordable. 305 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:20,190 Even young children could afford it... it's so bad. 306 00:14:20,190 --> 00:14:24,060 I did two hits of that and Bugs Bunny and Scooby Doo 307 00:14:24,090 --> 00:14:27,130 and all my favorite cartoon heroes came to my room 308 00:14:27,130 --> 00:14:32,300 and ate cookies with me and sang songs for 16 hours. 309 00:14:32,730 --> 00:14:34,900 God damn, talking about... 310 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:41,840 Tyrone go clean up your room. 311 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,610 And Mickey Mouse was doing the bass line like this, 312 00:14:43,610 --> 00:14:48,350 ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo 313 00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:51,820 and then, he basically told them 314 00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:54,020 where and how to buy the stuff. 315 00:14:54,020 --> 00:14:57,060 We all know we can sneak into our mama's room 316 00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:58,360 when she's sleeping, 317 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,960 and take $5, $10, maybe $20 out her purse, 318 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,560 run on down to Third Street, catch the "D" bus downtown, 319 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,600 and meet a Latin American fellow named Martinez... 320 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,300 We know that! 321 00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:12,210 And we know that Martinez' stuff is the bomb! 322 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,680 Kids, drugs is all around you. 323 00:15:16,110 --> 00:15:17,880 How will I know when drugs around, 324 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,010 you might be asking. 325 00:15:20,050 --> 00:15:22,650 Well, I'll tell you, use your magic markers. 326 00:15:22,650 --> 00:15:24,820 What you think this is some kind of crayon? 327 00:15:24,820 --> 00:15:26,090 No. 328 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:29,590 Take that cap off and sniff it. And you be high. 329 00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:33,460 And these little ones are 10 and 11 years old. 330 00:15:33,490 --> 00:15:34,760 You! 331 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,960 You know what dog food tastes like? 332 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,230 Do you? 333 00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:41,270 It tastes just like it smells... 334 00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:43,000 delicious! 335 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,340 I'm gonna show you how I go to the bathroom. 336 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,380 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 337 00:15:50,410 --> 00:15:51,250 Ha! 338 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,850 (farting) 339 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,880 I thought the worst was over. 340 00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:58,620 I was mistaken. 341 00:15:58,650 --> 00:16:02,090 That, children, was the first time 342 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,260 I sucked a dick for crack. 343 00:16:04,290 --> 00:16:06,370 But it wouldn't be the last. 344 00:16:06,430 --> 00:16:08,190 Why, one time, I seen Martinez... 345 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,770 I'm trying to say something. 346 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:14,270 Thank you for that lovely and moving and graphic story. 347 00:16:14,270 --> 00:16:16,430 You're welcome, teacher bitch! 348 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,040 I'm not finished, but that's all right. 349 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,180 Um, can I get cash for this? 350 00:16:21,610 --> 00:16:22,940 I got some errands to run, 351 00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:25,110 and I don't think I'm gonna make the bank. 352 00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:25,980 Um, uh, uh... 353 00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:27,680 It's my money, bitch! 354 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:28,580 I earned it! 355 00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:31,150 Give me my speaker's fee! 356 00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:32,450 Thank you, kids! 357 00:16:32,890 --> 00:16:34,620 Goodbye! 358 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,960 He's been away for while but he's back around. 359 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,160 The goofiest crack head in the town. 360 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:43,330 He kicked his habit back in the joint. 361 00:16:43,330 --> 00:16:45,060 Now he's back on point. 362 00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:48,070 He's finally home, he's Tyrone. 363 00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:50,240 (cheering) 364 00:16:52,410 --> 00:16:53,710 Oh, my gosh. 365 00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:56,340 Just so all you know, that's not real doo-doo. 366 00:16:56,340 --> 00:16:58,480 I don't want to upset you. 367 00:16:58,910 --> 00:17:00,650 It was a Snickers Bar, 368 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,380 we melted it. 369 00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:05,020 The funny thing was, the dude that does the props 370 00:17:05,020 --> 00:17:08,050 was melting the snickers bar for the sketch... 371 00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:09,760 It's candy, you know, he's melting it. 372 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:14,000 But I caught him like he was doing a thing, he was like... 373 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:18,000 All right, look, we're gonna take a quick commercial break, 374 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,300 but don't go nowhere, 375 00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:21,900 because we've got Mos Def when we come back, man. 376 00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:23,000 The mighty Mos! 377 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,000 Stick around for more Chappelle's Show. 378 00:17:30,580 --> 00:17:32,310 Chappelle's Show. 379 00:17:32,350 --> 00:17:35,780 Better not bring your kids. 380 00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:38,820 Hey, gang, welcome back. 381 00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:41,420 Welcome back, man. 382 00:17:41,460 --> 00:17:43,190 We are hanging in here, having some fun. 383 00:17:43,190 --> 00:17:46,230 Please make some noise for my brother, Mos Def! 384 00:17:46,230 --> 00:17:49,230 (cheering) 385 00:17:49,260 --> 00:17:51,400 Pull up to your spot on low. 386 00:17:51,430 --> 00:17:54,030 Shine brighter than all of the cats that got on glow. 387 00:17:54,030 --> 00:17:56,200 Lay in the cut like they're not gonna know. 388 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,940 'Cause if I gotta make a move dog, 389 00:17:57,940 --> 00:17:59,240 they're not gonna know. 390 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,370 This door marked private this is not for show. 391 00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:03,580 It's Mos Def what you call real for sure. 392 00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:05,310 Is they what you call gangster? 393 00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:06,580 Hell no. 394 00:18:06,610 --> 00:18:08,750 They get a little pinch and go snitch to the poor. 395 00:18:08,750 --> 00:18:10,950 They all talk fast but they all think slow. 396 00:18:10,950 --> 00:18:13,120 I'm most definite not think so. 397 00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,720 Flood your city with the black ink flow, 398 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,890 and my crew ain't scared to let them things go. 399 00:18:17,890 --> 00:18:19,590 So stop with the nonsense 400 00:18:19,590 --> 00:18:20,900 like he conscious. 401 00:18:20,930 --> 00:18:23,100 I'm just awake dog. I'm doing great dog. 402 00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:25,700 I don't play games I don't player hate y'all. 403 00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:28,270 Get it straight or get the fuck up out my face dog. 404 00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:30,470 I'm like the second plane that made the towers face off. 405 00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:31,770 This shit will let you know 406 00:18:31,770 --> 00:18:33,470 it's really not a game dog. 407 00:18:33,470 --> 00:18:35,240 Your grind and my grind ain't the same dog. 408 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,790 I'm the catalog you the same song. 409 00:18:37,810 --> 00:18:40,240 So cool and old school like A-4. 410 00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,620 doing the little mommies winding up their waist for 411 00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:45,190 the one that real niggas got their hand raised for. 412 00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:47,390 Me and D. Chappelle got it yellow taped off. 413 00:18:47,390 --> 00:18:49,960 Don't push me 'cause I'm close 414 00:18:49,990 --> 00:18:51,720 to the streets, to the beats, 415 00:18:51,730 --> 00:18:53,030 the bitches, the niggas, the women, the children, 416 00:18:53,030 --> 00:18:55,190 the workers, the dealers, the addicts, the killers, 417 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,760 the quiet, the livest, the realest, and that's close. 418 00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,530 Don't push me 'cause I'm close 419 00:18:59,530 --> 00:19:01,670 to the edge, back, middle, and front. 420 00:19:01,670 --> 00:19:03,440 Strong back shit lifting it up 421 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,140 from the big and the small. 422 00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:06,470 I'm like J. Brown, getting involved. 423 00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:08,640 And when I'm letting off a round don't get in the cross. 424 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,240 Have your preacher man talking low getting his cross. 425 00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:13,410 Tell the wild card boy not to get off their horse 426 00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:16,020 before they find out the town law is strictly enforced. 427 00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:18,590 It's a real bad way to get your name in the source. 428 00:19:18,590 --> 00:19:20,350 Test the limits of a dangerous force. 429 00:19:20,350 --> 00:19:22,090 You ended up dumb, famous, and gone. 430 00:19:22,090 --> 00:19:24,260 Your people shouting out your name in their song. 431 00:19:24,260 --> 00:19:25,990 Pouring liquor on the day you was born. 432 00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:27,730 Buying paint to put your face on the wall. 433 00:19:27,730 --> 00:19:29,000 Come on fall back 434 00:19:29,030 --> 00:19:31,600 it's no need for all that. It's all good. 435 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,570 We all here going all out. 436 00:19:33,770 --> 00:19:35,970 All live all day listen when the song say... 437 00:19:35,970 --> 00:19:38,140 Don't push me 'cause I'm close 438 00:19:38,140 --> 00:19:40,270 to the streets, to the beats 439 00:19:40,310 --> 00:19:41,570 the bitches, the niggas, the women, the children, 440 00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:43,780 the workers, the killers, the addicts, the dealers, 441 00:19:43,780 --> 00:19:45,510 the quiet, the livest, the realest, and that's close. 442 00:19:45,510 --> 00:19:48,080 Don't push me 'cause I'm close 443 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:49,850 to the edge, back, middle, and front. 444 00:19:49,850 --> 00:19:51,990 Strong back shit lifting it up 445 00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:53,290 from the big and the small. 446 00:19:53,290 --> 00:19:55,020 I'm like J. Brown getting involved. 447 00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:56,060 Now get yours. 448 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,090 Bang it, bang it, boom bang, diggy boom boom. 449 00:19:58,090 --> 00:20:00,660 Bang it, bang it boom bang, diggy boom. 450 00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:01,990 My man, Meek, hooked this up. 451 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:02,830 Yeah. 452 00:20:02,860 --> 00:20:04,600 It's the bomb. It's pretty hot, right? 453 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:05,430 Yeah. 454 00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:08,040 Now get close. 455 00:20:08,070 --> 00:20:09,370 Bang it, bang it, boom bang diggy boom boom. 456 00:20:09,370 --> 00:20:10,640 Good. 457 00:20:10,670 --> 00:20:12,810 Yeah. 458 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:13,710 Yeah, right? 459 00:20:14,110 --> 00:20:16,710 Yeah, Mos Def. 460 00:20:16,740 --> 00:20:21,050 Mos Def. 461 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,120 I'd like to thank my guest, Mos Def, Guillermo Diaz, 462 00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,290 everybody that helped me out this week. 463 00:20:26,290 --> 00:20:27,590 I gotta say that he... 464 00:20:27,590 --> 00:20:29,290 Yo, Chappelle! 465 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,620 Yo, wrap it up, "b"! 466 00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:32,360 That's it, you're done, man! 467 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:34,500 Wrap it up, "b"! 468 00:20:34,930 --> 00:20:36,260 You're done, wrap it up! 469 00:20:36,260 --> 00:20:37,530 Right. 470 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:38,430 We'll see you next week! 471 00:20:38,430 --> 00:20:46,210 (cheers and applause) 472 00:20:50,110 --> 00:20:51,850 I'm rich, bi-atch! 473 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:52,750 (horn honking) 474 00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:54,010 Hi, thank you! 475 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,860 Peanut butter and crack sandwich! 476 00:21:07,460 --> 00:21:08,330 Oh! 477 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:09,660 Get out the way! 478 00:21:09,660 --> 00:21:10,930 Go on, go on! 479 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,230 Ow! 480 00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:14,730 (Dave Chappelle) Lick your fingers. 481 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,340 Crack! 482 00:21:23,510 --> 00:21:26,550 Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life!