1 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,172 (girl) IF SOMEONE ASKED ME THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE 2 00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:04,567 BETWEEN THE SUBURBS AND MANHATTAN, 3 00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,108 I WOULD HAVE TO SAY IT'S THE MOMS. 4 00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:08,144 IT'S LIKE THE MILLION MOM MARCH. 5 00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:10,309 THE PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH THEM. 6 00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:12,148 THEY'RE IN THE MALLS. 7 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,183 THEY'RE AT THE ROCK CONCERTS. 8 00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:15,878 THEY'RE SHUFFLING OUT OF THE TANNING SALONS 9 00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:17,319 IN THEIR MANI-PEDI FLIP-FLOPS 10 00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:19,115 WITH THEIR EVER-PRESENT DAUGHTERS 11 00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:21,417 AND ENORMOUS FROZEN COFFEE DRINKS. 12 00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:24,459 NOW THE WHOLE MOM THING IS A LITTLE FOREIGN TO ME. 13 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:27,325 MY MOM DUCKED OUT SHORTLY AFTER THEY CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD, 14 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:29,325 SO HAVING GROWN UP WITH JUST MY DAD 15 00:00:29,397 --> 00:00:30,857 REALLY MADE ME WONDER. 16 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:33,401 (man) * JUST 'CAUSE I'M A GANGSTER * 17 00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:35,697 * JUST 'CAUSE I'M A GANGSTER * * JUST 'CAUSE I'M A GANGSTER * 18 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:37,869 * JUST 'CAUSE I'M A GANGSTER * 19 00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:40,438 WHAT IS IT WITH THESE MOTHERS? 20 00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:42,038 * GANGSTER MUSIC, IT JUST DON'T STOP * 21 00:00:42,110 --> 00:00:43,710 THEY'RE PEOPLE, OKAY? 22 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,177 JUST LIKE YOU AND ME. 23 00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,216 (girl) THINGS HAD BEEN A LITTLE TENSE BETWEEN US 24 00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:48,921 SINCE THE UNAUTHORIZED SEARCH AND SEIZURE 25 00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:50,322 DAD CONDUCTED IN MY ROOM. 26 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:51,924 FIRST HE SEARCHED, 27 00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:54,885 THEN HE HAD A TOTAL SEIZURE. 28 00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:57,255 HE PULLED ME OUT OF SCHOOL, BUBBLE-WRAPPED MY LIFE, 29 00:00:57,325 --> 00:01:00,685 AND THREW IT IN THE BACK OF A MOVING TRUCK. 30 00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,131 I WENT FROM HERE... 31 00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:04,296 GOOD-BYE, WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK. 32 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:07,895 GOOD-BYE, SEXUALLY ACTIVE CLASSMATES. 33 00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,498 TO HERE. 34 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,710 PRETTY IRONIC THAT A BOX FULL OF RUBBERS 35 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:19,206 LANDED ME IN A TOWN FULL OF PLASTIC. 36 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,184 WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU CALL THAT? 37 00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:25,751 CIRCUS PEANUT? 38 00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,619 OR MAYBE IT'S MORE IN THE VOMIT FAMILY. 39 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,788 WELL, I GUESS THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU ATE, 40 00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,157 MAYBE... LOBSTER BISQUE. 41 00:01:32,226 --> 00:01:33,626 NO. NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT 42 00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:36,904 YOUR BASIC, RUN-OF-THE-MILL, STOMACH ACID VOMIT. 43 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:39,234 UH-HUH. THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT, ISN'T IT? 44 00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:41,200 WHY DON'T YOU GRAB YOUR BAG 45 00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:44,739 AND GO CRITICIZE THE INSIDE OF THE HOUSE? 46 00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:47,235 *** 47 00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:50,008 YOO-HOO! NEIGHBOR! 48 00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:51,607 YOO-HOO! 49 00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:52,949 YOO-HOO! 50 00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:55,423 HIYA, NEIGHBOR. I'M SHEILA. 51 00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:58,993 ARE YOU THE NEW FAMILY FROM NEW YORK? 52 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:00,492 NICE. 53 00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:04,694 WHAT? YOU TAUGHT ME NOT TO TALK TO STRANGERS. 54 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:09,000 COME ON IN. THIS IS IT. 55 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,662 HUH? 56 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,371 IT'S PRETTY BIG, RIGHT? BIGGER THAN YOUR ROOM IN THE CITY. 57 00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:14,844 CAN YOU PICTURE YOURSELF 58 00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:17,842 LIVING A-A NORMAL, ADOLESCENT EXISTENCE HERE? 59 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,465 I DON'T KNOW. 60 00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,210 IT'S KIND OF GIRLIE. 61 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:22,535 WELL, YOU'RE A GIRL. 62 00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:26,480 YEAH, BUT I'M NOT A CAT CLOCK KIND OF GIRL. 63 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,877 WHAT IF YOU ARE A CAT CLOCK KIND OF GIRL 64 00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,490 AND YOU JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET? 65 00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:32,952 YEAH. 66 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,920 I'M NOT. 67 00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,833 THE NEXT MORNING, I WAS STARTLED AWAKE 68 00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:43,625 BY AN UNFAMILIAR SOUND... (gasps) 69 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,727 NO GARBAGE TRUCKS, NO TAXI CABS, 70 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,040 NO CAR ALARMS? 71 00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,742 SILENCE. 72 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,040 IT'S TOO QUIET. 73 00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:57,747 (birds chirping) 74 00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:58,951 (Sheila) YOO-HOO! 75 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:02,522 TELL YOUR WIFE I'M GONNA DROP OFF A POT ROAST! 76 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:04,053 UH, I DON'T HAVE A WIFE. 77 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:06,417 (voice echoes) DON'T HAVE A WIFE. DON'T HAVE A WIFE. 78 00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:07,787 DON'T HAVE A WIFE. 79 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,655 (car alarms blaring in distance, dogs barking) 80 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,333 (scoffs) CRAP. 81 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,732 OKAY, SO YOU--YOU READY FOR YOUR WELCOME PRESENT? 82 00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,364 OH, MY GOD. IS IT A CAR? 83 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,899 I MIGHT HAVE OVERSOLD. 84 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:22,872 TA-DA! 85 00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:27,066 "TA-DA" IS WHAT YOU SAY WHEN SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS. 86 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,780 COME ON. IT'S--IT'S COOL. 87 00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:30,842 YEAH. I CAN KEEP MY ADULT UNDERGARMENTS 88 00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,151 IN THE WICKER BASKET. 89 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:35,152 STOP IT. THIS IS AN ELDERLY PERSON'S BIKE, GEORGE. 90 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,615 DON'T CALL ME GEORGE. THIS IS BETTY WHITE'S BIKE. 91 00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:40,345 AND BESIDES, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO RIDE. 92 00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:41,821 WELL, LEARNING IS GONNA BE 93 00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,359 ONE OF THE FUN SUBURBAN THINGS WE GET TO DO TOGETHER. 94 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,385 BUT AS FOR TODAY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WALK 95 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,730 BECAUSE I HAVE A CONSULTATION ON A REMODEL 96 00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:51,926 RIGHT AFTER MY BREAKFAST AT THE COUNTRY CLUB. 97 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,499 BREAKFAST AT THE COUNTRY CLUB? 98 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,538 MM-HMM. DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR STREET CRED 99 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:59,274 JUST DISINTEGRATED WITH THAT VERY SENTENCE? 100 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,940 DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD STREET CRED. 101 00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,439 NOW IT'S GONE. DAMN. 102 00:04:03,511 --> 00:04:06,881 AND I'M SURE THE CLUB SOUNDS A LOT FANCIER THAN IT IS. 103 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:09,047 (women) * BA, DA, DA, DOO, DOO, DOO * 104 00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:10,446 * BADA, DOO, BADA, DOO * 105 00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:13,148 * BA, DA, DA, DOO-DOO-DOO * 106 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,760 * BADA, DOO, BADA, DOO * 107 00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,022 HI. 108 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,629 SORRY. I DON'T... 109 00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,431 BELONG HERE. 110 00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:21,563 GEORGE, BUDDY! OVER HERE IN THE SHALLOW END! 111 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,159 (woman) HEY, HONEY. YEAH! (laughs) 112 00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:24,370 MY FRIEND. 113 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:27,642 THERE YOU ARE! WHAT IS UP? 114 00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:28,841 LOOK AT YOU! 115 00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:29,802 OH, MY GOD! 116 00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,940 AAH! YOU'RE AS PALE AS A CORPSE. 117 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,635 REALLY? WELL, YOU'RE--YOU'RE THE COLOR OF A NERF BALL. 118 00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,838 I AM SUN-KISSED. LOOK AT THE FACE. 119 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,950 YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU DID IN COLLEGE. 120 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,152 YEAH, YOU DO, TOO, EXCEPT MAYBE A LITTLE BLONDER. 121 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:42,654 ARE YOU BLONDER? 122 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:45,616 I BETTER BE BLONDER. I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY TO BE BLONDER. 123 00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:47,146 (laughs) 124 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:48,720 WE USE FOILS. 125 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,889 SO HOW DO YOU LIKE SUBURBIA? IT'S GORGEOUS, RIGHT? 126 00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,029 (clears throat) 127 00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,703 I MEAN, GREEN GRASS, BLUE SKIES, 128 00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:57,433 NOTHING SMELLS LIKE URINE.... (spraying) 129 00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,098 LOOK AT THIS. SHE'S TEXTING. 130 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:01,336 THAT WOMAN'S ABOUT TO WALK INTO THE POOL. MA'AM! 131 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,702 MA'AM! MA'AM! WHOA! 132 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,011 YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW OFTEN THAT HAPPENS. 133 00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:07,413 GOOD NEWS IS, 134 00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:11,135 BECAUSE OF THE IMPLANTS, NOBODY DROWNS. (laughs) 135 00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:12,611 THEY'RE COMPLETELY BUOYANT. 136 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,980 ALL OF 'EM. YOU ARE GONNA HAVE A FIELD DAY. 137 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,018 YEAH, WELL, THIS MIGHT COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU, 138 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,324 BUT THAT KIND OF THING DOESN'T REALLY APPEAL TO ME. 139 00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:20,587 I'M MORE ATTRACTED TO 140 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,724 THE SCHOOL SYSTEM, THE CLEAN AIR. 141 00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,860 BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH THE SCHOOL SYSTEM. NOT REALLY. 142 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:27,395 I MEAN, YOU CAME HERE FOR THE KID. 143 00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:28,961 I GET THAT. 144 00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:31,469 I'M JUST SAYING THAT THIS WHOLE DISPLACED NEW YORKER THING 145 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,172 YOU'VE GOT GOING IS GONNA KILL OUT HERE. 146 00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:34,903 IT'S GONNA KILL. MM. 147 00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:37,198 LOOK. OUR WAITRESS IS EYE-HUMPING YOU RIGHT NOW. 148 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:38,340 (laughs) 149 00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:39,906 HEY. HEY. 150 00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:43,083 WOULD YOU GENTLEMEN CARE TO HEAR OUR SPECIALS TODAY? OOH. 151 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:45,353 WE HAVE A SEAFOOD EGGS BENEDICT 152 00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:47,313 SERVED WITH THE BLACKENED SHRIMP. 153 00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:50,321 WE ALSO HAVE AN EXTREMELY TENDER, LOCAL, 154 00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,524 FARM-RAISED WAITRESS NAMED JOCELYN 155 00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:55,456 SERVED ON A BED OF YOUR CHOOSING. 156 00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:01,063 I'M GONNA HAVE THE SHRIMP. 157 00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:04,768 SHRIMP--SHRIMP'S PROBABLY A BETTER CHOICE. 158 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:07,272 *** 159 00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:10,544 TO PROPERLY NAVIGATE SUBURBIA, 160 00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:12,944 ONE NEEDS A STAY-AT-HOME MOM TO DRIVE YOU PLACES. 161 00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:16,906 WITHOUT ONE, YOU'RE LIVING LIKE THE EARLY SETTLER. 162 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:20,047 I MEAN, IS THAT WHAT DAD WANTED? 163 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:22,853 FOR ME TO BECOME SOME ZOMBIE-EYED GIRL 164 00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:26,246 IN THE BACK OF A FULLY LOADED S.U.V.? 165 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,089 (horn honks) (boy) YO! 166 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:31,115 AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT, I HAD NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS. 167 00:06:31,191 --> 00:06:32,661 OW. 168 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,156 BUT I WOULD LATER FIND OUT 169 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:37,427 THIS WAS THE OFFICIAL DRINK OF SUBURBANITES. 170 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:40,868 IT WAS SUGARFREE RED BULL. 171 00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:43,874 (sips) 172 00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,367 ARE YOU A LESBIAN? 173 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:50,479 YOU MEAN BECAUSE I'M NOT DRESSED LIKE I HAVE A POLE IN MY LOCKER? 174 00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,714 THOSE ARE LESBIAN BOOTS. (door opens) 175 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:56,550 TESSA, I'M MR. WOLF, YOUR GUIDANCE COUNSELOR. 176 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:59,817 I'M HERE TO HELP YOU ABSOLUTELY ANY TIME YOU NEED-- 177 00:06:59,887 --> 00:07:02,317 BETWEEN THE HOUR OF 12:00 AND 12:45 P.M. 178 00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:06,289 AND THIS IS DALIA. DALIA IS YOUR BUDDY. 179 00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:08,229 HOW SO? 180 00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:11,155 BUDDIES ARE VOLUNTEERS WHO SHOW NEW STUDENTS AROUND THE SCHOOL. 181 00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,531 FOR EXTRA CREDIT. 182 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,900 FOR EXTRA CREDIT. 183 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:16,267 BUDDIES ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. NOT NECESSARILY, NO. 184 00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:19,466 HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF MAYBE CALLING THEM SOMETHING ELSE? 185 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,440 THAT LOOK SAID IT ALL-- 186 00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:23,939 WELCOME TO SUBURGATORY. 187 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,279 (man) * ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR * 188 00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:30,247 *** 189 00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:32,147 (doorbell rings) 190 00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:35,524 COMING! 191 00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,799 HI. I'M DALLAS. 192 00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:47,125 YOU MUST BE GEORGE THE ARCHITECT. 193 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,540 WOW. THAT--THAT IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO ANSWER THE DOOR. 194 00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:52,074 BEG PARDON? 195 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,069 (chuckles) WELL, YOU J--YOU JUST SUPPLIED A COMPLETE STRANGER 196 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,011 WITH ALL THE INFORMATION HE WOULD NEED. 197 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,306 ALL THE INFORMATION HE WOULD NEED FOR WHAT? 198 00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:00,608 HE COULD JUST SAY, "WHY, YES, DALLAS, 199 00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:02,881 I AM GEORGE THE ARCHITECT," 200 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:06,650 AND--AND STEP INSIDE YOUR INSANELY LAVISH FOYER 201 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,020 AND, YOU KNOW... 202 00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:10,859 (makes squishing sound) 203 00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:11,994 (grunts) 204 00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:14,859 SO ARE YOU AN ARCHITECT OR ARE YOU GONNA COME IN 205 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,698 AND... (makes squishing sound and grunts) 206 00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,574 'CAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE AN ARCHITECT. 207 00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,202 I'M AN ARCHITECT. 208 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,737 OKAY, GOOD. SO COME ON IN. 209 00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:26,513 THIS IS DALIA'S BEDROOM. 210 00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:28,384 SHE'S MY PRINCESS. 211 00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:29,681 MY MIRACLE. 212 00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:31,443 THIS IS WHERE WE KEEP HER DENIM, 213 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,251 AND THAT'S HER SHOE CLOSET, 214 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:36,953 SEGREGATED BY HEELS, WEDGES, FLATS, AND MULES. 215 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,017 MULES? 216 00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:40,245 THOSE ARE BACKLESS SHOES, GEORGE. (chuckles) 217 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,620 AND THIS IS HER... 218 00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:45,590 CREATION STATION-- 219 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:48,959 HOME OF HER BLUSHERS, HER LIP LACQUERS, 220 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,159 HER NAIL CARE... 221 00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:54,843 HER HAIR EXTENSIONS, 222 00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,442 HER TANNING SOLUTIONS AND SO FORTH. 223 00:08:57,504 --> 00:09:00,344 YOU GOT THE WHOLE TEENAGE GIRL THING DOWN. 224 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,207 GIRLS CAN BE SO INSECURE AT THIS AGE, 225 00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,575 AND I JUST WANT MY DALIA TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL, 226 00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:06,275 HENCE THE RENOVATION. 227 00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:08,046 I WOULD LIKE A SKYLIGHT 228 00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:11,045 PUT OVER THE PLACE WHERE SHE SLUMBERS. 229 00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:15,289 CAN I... 230 00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:16,655 CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION 231 00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:18,234 COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO THE SKYLIGHT? 232 00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,561 WELL, OF COURSE. 233 00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,487 WHAT WOULD A MOM LIKE YOU DO 234 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,601 IF YOU FOUND CONDOMS IN HER DRAWER? 235 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:26,204 WHAT KIND OF CONDOMS? 236 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,766 UH, LATEX. 237 00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:29,265 OPENED OR UNOPENED? 238 00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,396 OH, UNOPENED. OKAY. 239 00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:31,670 UNOPENED BOX OF CONDOMS 240 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,409 THAT SHE SAID BELONGED TO A FRIEND OF HERS. 241 00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,544 I THINK I WOULD HAVE TO TRUST HER. 242 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,750 AFTER ALL, THEY WERE JUST IN THE DRAWER. 243 00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:40,482 SHE WASN'T TRYING VERY HARD TO HIDE THEM, 244 00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:44,577 WHICH MAKES ME THINK SHE MUST TRUST ME, SO I WOULD TRUST HER. 245 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,822 OH, GEORGE, 246 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:49,887 IT MUST BE HARD RAISING HER ALL ON YOUR OWN. 247 00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,957 OKAY. SO PEOPLE AROUND HERE GOSSIP. 248 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,196 IT'S JUST NEIGHBORS BEING NEIGHBORS, 249 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,262 BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHO TO WATCH OUT FOR. 250 00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,700 SHEILA. SHEILA SHAY? 251 00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:01,296 SHE'S HAD 14 FIBROIDS REMOVED FROM HER U-TAYTAY. 252 00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:02,868 ANYWAY, SHE'S A REAL GOSSIP. 253 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,966 UH, YEAH, ACTUALLY, SHEILA SHAY-- 254 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:08,538 SHE DROPPED OFF A POT ROAST FOR US THIS MORNING. 255 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,108 WELL, IT TAKES A VILLAGE. 256 00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,047 YEAH, BUT WHAT TESSA REALLY NEEDS 257 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,982 DOESN'T COME IN A CAST-IRON POT. 258 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:16,317 SHE NEEDS SOME OF THIS MOTHERLY LOVE. 259 00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:17,583 OH. 260 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,521 YEAH, MAYBE A UNICORN 261 00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:21,386 AND SOME SPARKLY STUFF. 262 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,124 (chuckles) MAYBE SOME DEAD HAIR. 263 00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:26,530 WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK, 'CAUSE YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE MALL QUEEN. 264 00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:28,133 I CAN GIVE YOU A GUIDED TOUR. 265 00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:30,055 (gasps) MAYBE EVEN TODAY AFTER SCHOOL. 266 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,670 WE COULD TAKE TESSA TO ALL OF DALIA'S FAVORITE SHOPS. 267 00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,103 OH, SHE WILL LOVE IT, 268 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:37,337 AND SHE'LL LOVE DALIA. EVERYBODY DOES. 269 00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:39,274 I HATED DALIA. 270 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:42,339 HER PERSONALITY WAS AS FLAT AS HER HAIR. 271 00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:45,209 GLEE CLUB. 272 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,078 BLEACHERS. 273 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,977 CAFETERIA. 274 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:52,845 NOSE JOB. 275 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,020 NOSE JOB. NOSE JOB. NOSE JOB. 276 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:57,558 I GUESS I KNOW WHAT THE MOST POPULAR ELECTIVE IS. 277 00:10:57,624 --> 00:11:00,334 DIVERSITY STUDENT. 278 00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:02,063 MALIK. 279 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,173 HELLO. 280 00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:07,102 ORAL ARTS. 281 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,737 (girls cheering) WHAT'S WRONG WITH THOSE TWO? 282 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,273 THEY HAVE TEAM SPIRIT. 283 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:15,909 AND IS THAT JUST SOMETHING THAT CLEARS UP ON ITS OWN? 284 00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:19,346 OF ALL THE PLACES ON MY TOUR, 285 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,852 I LIKED THE HANDICAPPED BATHROOM BEST. 286 00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:23,645 IN MANHATTAN, THE HANDICAPPED BATHROOM 287 00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,847 WOULD HAVE LEASED FOR $950 A MONTH. 288 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:28,119 I STAYED THERE ALL THROUGH LUNCH. 289 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,518 (door opens) 290 00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:32,259 (footsteps approaching) 291 00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,025 (Dalia) SO, LISA, 292 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,004 YOUR BROTHER MUST BE REALLY JEALOUS OF YOU. 293 00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:39,433 WHY WOULD HE BE JEALOUS OF ME? 294 00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:42,139 WELL, BECAUSE YOU CAN GROW A MUSTACHE, AND HE CAN'T. 295 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,372 (girls laugh) 296 00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:49,143 (girl) DID YOU SEE HER FACE? (laughs) 297 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,879 I HAD NOT INTENDED TO MAKE ANY NEW FRIENDS. 298 00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:54,605 MY PLAN WAS TO SERVE MY TIME AND GET OUT. 299 00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:57,721 BUT THIS GIRL LOOKED EVEN MORE MISERABLE THAN I WAS. 300 00:11:57,785 --> 00:12:00,315 HEY. I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO GET PICKED ON, 301 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,587 AND IF YOU EVER NEED ANYONE TO TALK TO-- 302 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,785 STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU LESBIAN! 303 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:11,700 SO MY CLASSMATES THOUGHT I WAS A "VAGITARIAN," 304 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:13,765 MY DAD THOUGHT I WAS A NYMPHO, 305 00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,774 AND I WAS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE 306 00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:18,206 I WAS LIVING IN A HORROR MOVIE, 307 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:21,671 SOME WHITE PICKET FENCE NIGHTMARE. 308 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:25,481 THEY SAY NEW YORK IS INTIMIDATING, 309 00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:30,115 BUT THESE PEOPLE SEEM LIKE THE TYPE WHO'D EAT THEIR YOUNG. 310 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:33,293 I WAS HALFWAY HOME... (growls) 311 00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,393 (gasps) (barks) 312 00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:38,085 WHEN I GOT BODY-SNATCHED. (brakes squeal) 313 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:40,332 TESSA. 314 00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:41,433 DAD. 315 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,534 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 316 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,166 WHOSE CAR IS THIS? 317 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:48,372 HEY, GIRL! I'M A FRIEND OF YOUR DADDY'S. 318 00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:51,295 SHE IS? DON'T BE RUDE, TESSA. GET IN THE CAR. 319 00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:04,022 (The Ting Tings' "That's Not My Name" playing) 320 00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:06,724 THEY WERE TAKING ME TO THE ONE PLACE ON EARTH 321 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,916 THEY KNEW I WOULD NEVER SURVIVE-- 322 00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:13,129 THE JUNIORS SECTION AT THE MALL. 323 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:16,333 OH, MY GOSH! LOOK HOW CUTE THESE BOYFRIEND SHORTS ARE! 324 00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:20,096 I MEAN, WHOSE BOYFRIEND ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? 325 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,527 THIS WILL SHOW OFF MY BELLY RING. 326 00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,971 YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE THOSE WILL SHOW OFF? YOUR VAGINA. 327 00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:26,007 ARE--ARE THE LIGHTS REALLY BRIGHT IN HERE? 328 00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:28,583 I FEEL--I FEEL LIKE THERE'S LESS OXYGEN SOMEHOW. 329 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,511 OH, SWEETHEART. IS THE MUSIC ESPECIALLY LOUD IN HERE? 330 00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:32,777 I FEEL LIKE THE MUSIC IS ESPECIALLY LOUD IN HERE. 331 00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,306 HONEY. HONEY. WHAT? 332 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:36,081 YOU NEED TO GO GRAB A SNACK AT THE FOOD COURT, 333 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,389 AND THEN HAVE A SEAT OVER THERE ON THE DAD COUCH. 334 00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,051 D--OH. (chuckles) 335 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,090 YEAH, OKAY. OH, SWEETHEART, YOU WANT ANYTHING? 336 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,415 NO, SHE CERTAINLY DOES NOT. 337 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,760 WE DON'T GORGE OURSELVES ON SALTY SNACKS 338 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,895 WHILE WE'RE TRYING ON CLOTHES. WHY? 339 00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:49,901 (Dalia) BLOATING. THAT'S JUST GIRL 101. 340 00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:51,463 BLOATING. OKAY, GIRL 101. 341 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:54,231 RIGHT. OKAY. I'M GONNA, UH, GO SIT ON THE DAD COUCH, 342 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:57,041 STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY, LET THE LADIES DO THEIR THANG. 343 00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:59,814 HEY. LOOK AT THIS. CUTE. 344 00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:01,573 IF IF YOU RUN INTO MY DAD, 345 00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:04,681 TELL HIM I HATE IT HERE AND I WANT TO GO HOME. 346 00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:05,784 (chuckles) 347 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,245 JUST KIDDING. 348 00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:08,324 MOM. 349 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:11,381 OOH, IT'S A LITTLE LONG. I COULD HEM IT. 350 00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:15,421 (woman) * UH-HUH, * UH-HUH, UH-HUH, UH-HUH * 351 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:18,428 IT'S SO LAME YOUR MOM DIED, BEEYOTCH. 352 00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:21,831 MY MOM... (scoffs) DIDN'T DIE. SHE'S JUST GONE. 353 00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,825 SO YOU BECAME A LESBIAN TO GET BACK AT HER. 354 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,397 WHAT? (knock on door) 355 00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:27,865 (Dallas) TESSA, IF YOU NEED ANY HELP OR YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS 356 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:31,335 OR YOU FEEL LOST OR UNATTRACTIVE IN ANY WAY, 357 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:32,814 JUST LET ME KNOW. 358 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,012 I KNOW WHY WE'RE DOING ALL THIS. 359 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,175 IT'S BECAUSE YOUR MOM FEELS SORRY FOR ME. 360 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,984 NO, IT'S BECAUSE MY MOM WANTS TO SCREW YOUR DAD. 361 00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:42,847 DOESN'T YOUR MOM SCREW YOUR DAD? 362 00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:44,216 (scoffs) NO. 363 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,394 THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME. 364 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,723 I'M DYING TO SEE HOW CUTE YOU GIRLS LOOK. 365 00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:50,418 I'M BUYING THIS. 366 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,360 OH, MY GOODNESS, TESSA. 367 00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:53,785 LOOK AT YOU. 368 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,460 THAT IS A KEEPER. 369 00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:58,228 THAT TOP IS JUST OFF THE CHIZZY, IS IT NOT? 370 00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:00,398 OH, THIS IS GOING STRAIGHT TO THE REGISTER. 371 00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,437 HEY. OH, HONEY, IT'S JUST US GIRLS. 372 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,842 OH, DEAR LORD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU? 373 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:05,874 WHAT? 374 00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,979 THIS? 375 00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:11,712 I-I ORDERED IT FROM A SPORTING GOOD CATALOG. 376 00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,278 WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? 377 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,746 WELL, IT'S DOWNRIGHT ORTHOPEDIC. 378 00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:17,915 IT'S LIKE A GIANT ACE BANDAGE, 379 00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:19,915 LIKE SOMETHING A BURN VICTIM WOULD WEAR. 380 00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,247 ARE YOU CALLING MY BRA UGLY? 381 00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,291 WELL, YES, HONEY, I AM, BECAUSE IT IS UGLY, 382 00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:25,526 AND I WOULD LOVE TO FIND ONE FOR YOU THAT ISN'T, 383 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,402 ALONG WITH A NICE, HETEROSEXUAL DRESS SHOE. 384 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,227 (closes zipper) 385 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:35,799 THAT NIGHT, I DECIDED TO DEBUT A NEW LOOK. 386 00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,168 I CALLED IT MALL SKANK. 387 00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:41,138 TESSA, PLEASE. DINNER'S GETTING COLD. 388 00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:44,038 WHAT ARE WE EATING? IT SMELLS LIKE PASSOVER. 389 00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,711 OH, THERE SHE IS! CUTE OUTFIT ALERT. 390 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,079 CUTE OUTFIT ALERT. HEY! 391 00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:49,478 WHAT--WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? 392 00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:52,719 UH, THIS IS THE OUTFIT YOU BOUGHT ME AT THE MALL. 393 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,285 DON'T YOU LIKE IT? YEAH. 394 00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,664 NO. ALL RIGHT, LET'S EAT. 395 00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,133 CAN I SAY SOMETHING? 396 00:15:58,191 --> 00:16:00,231 THIS IS REALLY NICE, ISN'T IT? 397 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,463 YES. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME DAD PUT A HOME-COOKED MEAL 398 00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:04,599 ON THE TABLE? I BROUGHT MY OWN DINNER. 399 00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,304 OKAY, THAT IS NOT DINNER. 400 00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:09,596 UH, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD? 401 00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:11,439 GEORGE, THE GIRLS HERE DON'T EAT DINNER. 402 00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:14,944 THAT'S HOW THEY KEEP THEIR BODY WEIGHT UNDER 80 POUNDS. 403 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,378 BIKINI READY BY SUMMER. 404 00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,483 (clicks tongue) DON'T YOU OPEN THAT DRINK. 405 00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:21,105 YOU WANT ME TO BE JUST LIKE THE SUBURBAN GIRLS, DON'T YOU? 406 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,951 DON'T YOU DARE OPEN THAT DRINK, TESSA. 407 00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:25,346 NO, I FORBID YOU TO OPEN THAT-- (can fizzes) 408 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,088 OOH. 409 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,494 DON'T EVEN PUT THAT STRAW IN THAT CAN. 410 00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:31,686 THAT'S THE LAST STRAW. (chuckles) DO-- 411 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:34,588 TESSA, DON'T YOU DARE TAKE A SIP. (under breath) SHE'S GONNA TAKE A SIP. 412 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,631 THAT IS NOT YOUR DINNER. THIS IS YOUR DINNER. 413 00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,066 AHH! 414 00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,731 O--YOU KNOW WHAT, THEN? 415 00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:42,299 THEN YOU--YOU'RE GONNA GO TO BED WITHOUT DINNER. 416 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,439 OH, GOD, GEORGE! (scoffs) 417 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,644 WELL-- I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU. 418 00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:49,206 IT'S LIKE--IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ONE OF THEM. 419 00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:51,436 WHAT'D I DO? SWEETHEART, I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU 420 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,181 WHAT ALL THESE OTHER GIRLS HAVE. 421 00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,076 OH, WELL, I'M NOT ALL THESE OTHER GIRLS, 422 00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:57,918 AND I DON'T WANT WHAT THEY HAVE! 423 00:16:57,984 --> 00:16:59,224 ALL RIGHT. 424 00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:01,646 THIS WAS VOTED THE FIFTH BEST PLACE 425 00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,091 IN THE COUNTRY TO RAISE KIDS. 426 00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:05,657 I DON'T HAVE KIDS. 427 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,355 YOU RUINED MY LIFE! 428 00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:11,697 OH, I DID NOT RUIN YOUR LIFE! (door slams) 429 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,203 I THINK I RUINED HER LIFE. 430 00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:20,205 THE NEXT MORNING, WE DIDN'T SPEAK MUCH. 431 00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:22,113 INSTEAD, DAD AND I EXPRESSED OUR FEELINGS 432 00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:24,805 THROUGH PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE REFERENCE BOOKS. 433 00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:29,681 OKAY. 434 00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,719 REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU GOT ME THAT GOLDFISH 435 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,424 AND YOU SAID I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF IT ALL BY MYSELF 436 00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:34,916 AND I WAS SO EXCITED TO SHOW YOU THAT I COULD 437 00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,557 THAT I RUSHED HOME FROM SCHOOL AND I CLEANED OUT THE BOWL, 438 00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:38,193 AND I CHANGED THE WATER, AND I THREW THE FISH IN THERE, 439 00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:39,788 BUT THE WATER WAS TOO COLD AND THE FISH WENT INTO SHOCK 440 00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:42,859 AND GOT THESE LITTLE TINY BUBBLES ALL OVER HIS BODY 441 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,559 AND THEN DIED? 442 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:47,599 YEAH. 443 00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,767 I FEEL LIKE THE FISH. 444 00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:52,466 OKAY. 445 00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:54,909 WELL... 446 00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:57,584 YOU REMEMBER THE TIME I-I TRIED TO SHOW YOU THAT FELLINI MOVIE 447 00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:59,484 AND YOU REFUSED TO WATCH IT BECAUSE IT WAS 448 00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,276 IN BLACK AND WHITE AND HAD SUBTITLES 449 00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:03,118 AND YOU SAID IT LOOKED DUMB AND BORING, 450 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:05,153 BUT THEN THEY MADE YOU WATCH IT AT SCHOOL 451 00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,148 AND IT TURNED OUT YOU ACTUALLY LOVED IT? 452 00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,015 YEAH. 453 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:13,429 I FEEL LIKE THIS IS A FELLINI MOVIE. 454 00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:16,601 (doorbell rings) 455 00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:22,069 OH. HELLO. 456 00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,435 MY MOM SENT ME OVER HERE TO GET HER POT BACK. 457 00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:27,044 OH, I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR MOM'S POT. 458 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,736 I DON'T EVEN SMOKE POT. 459 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,638 HER POT... 460 00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,040 FROM LAST NIGHT? 461 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,351 IT'S RED WITH A SILVER ROOSTER ON IT? 462 00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:37,054 HOW'D THAT ROAST WORK OUT FOR YOU? 463 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,416 THAT'S YOUR MOM? 464 00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:41,987 YEAH. 465 00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:44,194 (Pitbull) * NOW WATCH ME MAKE A MOVIE LIKE ALBERT HITCHCOCK * 466 00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:45,657 * I KNOW YOU WANT ME * 467 00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:46,725 IS THAT YOUR BROTHER? 468 00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,133 * YOU KNOW I WANT YA, WANT YA * 469 00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:49,925 * I KNOW YOU WANT ME * 470 00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,526 * YOU KNOW I WANT YA * 471 00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:52,368 YEAH. 472 00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:54,532 * I KNOW YOU WANT ME * 473 00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,971 (sighs) 474 00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:58,436 COME ON IN. 475 00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:00,065 WE DIDN'T CLEAN IT. 476 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,179 THAT'S OKAY. 477 00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:05,880 I ONLY FREAKED OUT ON YOU IN THE GIRLS' ROOM 478 00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:08,245 BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO GET MADE FUN OF ANYMORE. 479 00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,815 YEAH. I GET IT. 480 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:12,053 IT'S OKAY. 481 00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:14,388 WE'RE COOL. 482 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:17,719 COOL. 483 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:27,633 (knock on door) 484 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:31,240 TESSA? YOUR DAD SAID I COULD COME UP. 485 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,411 CAN I COME IN? 486 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,184 YOU'RE ALREADY IN. 487 00:19:38,077 --> 00:19:40,947 UM, ABOUT THE OTHER DAY, 488 00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,823 I ACTED LIKE A BIZNITCH, 489 00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:47,293 AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY HOW SORRY I AM. 490 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,564 IT'S JUST, I'M OF THE MIND--SET 491 00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:53,762 THAT EVERY GIRL SHOULD BE GIVEN A BRA 492 00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:57,256 BY SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS A THING OR TWO ABOUT BRAS. 493 00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:05,735 WELL, I WILL LEAVE THE TWO OF YOU ALONE. 494 00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:07,505 (pats leg) 495 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:12,407 IT WAS PRESUMPTUOUS. 496 00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:15,009 IT WAS INAPPROPRIATE, 497 00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:18,291 AND IT WAS BY FAR, 498 00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:20,691 THE PRETTIEST THING I OWNED. 499 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:25,288 SO MAYBE THESE MOMS WEREN'T ALL BAD, 500 00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:27,658 AND MAYBE, SOMETIMES, 501 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,797 UNDERNEATH A PAIR OF GIANT, SYNTHETIC BREASTS, 502 00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:35,572 YOU CAN FIND A GIANT, NONSYNTHETIC HEART. 503 00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:47,014 THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED, 504 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:50,449 IT WASN'T JUST ME WHO WAS STUCK IN SUBURGATORY. 505 00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:53,287 DAD WAS HERE, TOO. 506 00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:54,753 YOO-HOO! GEORGE! 507 00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,321 I HEARD YOU MET MY FRIEND JOCELYN AT THE CLUB. 508 00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:59,060 SAID THE TWO OF YOU REALLY HIT IT OFF. 509 00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:00,985 WE SURE DID, SHEILA. 510 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:03,630 THERE HE IS. (chuckles) THERE'S MY BOYFRIEND! 511 00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:04,926 HI, GEORGE! 512 00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:06,627 I'M STALKING YOU! 513 00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:07,769 (laughs) 514 00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:08,804 UH-OH! 515 00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,298 YEAH. YEAH. 516 00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:14,170 THE WAY I SAW IT, WE'D NEED TWO THINGS TO SURVIVE-- 517 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,640 AUTOMATIC SPRINKLERS... 518 00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:18,308 BEAUTIFUL LAWN. BEAUTIFUL. 519 00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:20,148 BEAUTIFUL. LOVE IT. 520 00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:21,812 AND A RESTRAINING ORDER. 521 00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:27,320 Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.