1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:01,502 . 2 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:04,438 [ticking] 3 00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:12,213 - Mm, he's, uh-- 4 00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:14,348 he's on his way, I just texted him, so-- 5 00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:18,552 - Did he text you back? - Nope. 6 00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:20,288 Nope. 7 00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:22,690 - All right, everybody. Start to shut up. 8 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:25,093 Ralph, what brings you here? 9 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:27,261 - You're late. I'm--I'm covering for you. 10 00:00:27,295 --> 00:00:28,796 It's school policy. You can't leave 11 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,231 these students unattended. 12 00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:32,133 - Is that a real rule? That's nuts. 13 00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,135 - He literally leaves us alone all the time. 14 00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,803 - Uh, narc much? [chuckles] 15 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:38,206 - Just--just try to be on time. 16 00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:41,709 - All right, yeah. Totally. 17 00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:43,511 Come on, dude. 18 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:47,448 Is it--ah! Just gonna get some, uh-- [sighs] 19 00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:48,716 both: Hey! 20 00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:50,384 - Jack, where are you goin'? 21 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:53,287 - Uh, I need SunChips. - We just discussed this. 22 00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:55,556 You--you can't just leave because you want chips. 23 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,225 - Ah, come on. 24 00:00:57,258 --> 00:01:04,298 * 25 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:06,434 So I had an interesting morning. 26 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,336 As I was pulling out of my dead mom's driveway, 27 00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:11,505 I turned on my number one NPR voice crush, Terry Gross, 28 00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:14,575 only to find that she was interviewing my rival, Miles. 29 00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:16,410 I was so distracted by this injustice 30 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,812 that I accidentally backed over a possum. 31 00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,248 Specifically, his lower half. 32 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,316 He was flat from about here down. 33 00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:24,218 And he was shouting, uh, a lot. 34 00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,886 And this presented me with an interesting 35 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,455 philosophical dilemma. 36 00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:30,558 Was it kinder to let this animal slowly die 37 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:33,861 or to bash it to death with a big wrench? 38 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:35,463 And once I'd done so, I turned and saw 39 00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:36,797 that one of the possum's relatives 40 00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:38,132 was staring right at me. 41 00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,467 He witnessed the entire thing. 42 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,169 This presented me with another beautiful 43 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,337 philosophical dilemma. 44 00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:46,707 Was it kinder to let this new possum be driven mad 45 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,876 by what he'd seen, or do I bash him to death 46 00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:50,744 with a giant wrench as well? 47 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,346 Needless to say, my morning became 48 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,248 a veritable killing field situation. 49 00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,617 And now I'm going to have to power wash 50 00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,886 my dead mom's driveway. 51 00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:01,155 Yeah. - Awesome. 52 00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:02,590 - Sounds like you were lashing out 53 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,392 'cause you were angry that Miles has a best-seller. 54 00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:06,227 - Marcus, you of all people should be able to discern 55 00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,628 when I'm lashing out. 56 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,630 - Maybe you should write your own best-seller. 57 00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,365 - I've considered that. 58 00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:12,833 It's just difficult to get any work done in this town, 59 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:16,136 with its possums and their screams. 60 00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:20,608 There was so much...screaming. 61 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:23,677 [ticking] 62 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,514 I need SunChips. 63 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:27,815 [Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"] 64 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,783 - One, two, three, four! 65 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,420 - * Next time I'll listen to my heart * 66 00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:35,289 * Next time well, I'll be smart * 67 00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:42,530 * 68 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:48,236 - Book ideas? You writing a book, Jack? 69 00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:50,304 - Oh, just getting down some thoughts. 70 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:52,240 - Oh, you know what kind of books I like? 71 00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:54,875 Sex mysteries. - Mm-hmm. Like "Gone Girl" 72 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,477 and "Girl on the Train." - Mm-hmm. 73 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,546 - Anything where there's a girl and she's missing 74 00:02:58,579 --> 00:02:59,947 or ideally, dead. 75 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,882 - Yes, yes. Ooh, okay, so you know what 76 00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:02,983 your book could be about? 77 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,418 Three women who are best friends, 78 00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,754 but then the Asian one gets taken. 79 00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:08,356 - [whispering] For sex. 80 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,591 - Jack, come on! - Oops. 81 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:11,859 all: Ooh! - Busted. [laughs] 82 00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:13,427 - Dirty man! 83 00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:15,296 - This policy is there for your protection. 84 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:18,266 You're responsible if something happens to one of your students 85 00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:19,700 while you're out toodling around. 86 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,402 - Ralph, Ralph, these kids are teenagers. 87 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,337 You think they can't be left alone for two seconds? 88 00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:24,872 [clattering] - Go! 89 00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:28,642 - Are you okay? What happened? 90 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,311 - How did this happen? 91 00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,580 - He fell. We were playing Jelly Bean Quidditch. 92 00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,348 - Yeah, it's where you stand on your desk 93 00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:35,716 and throw jelly beans in each other's mouths. 94 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,885 - How is that Quidditch? Where's the golden snitch? 95 00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,887 - So nerdy. - Ah--it--nerdy. 96 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,522 - Victor? Victor? 97 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,491 You okay, buddy? You wanna hop up there? 98 00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:44,825 - You know, this all happened 99 00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,560 because Mr. Griffin left us unattended. 100 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,462 He can't do that. School policy. 101 00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:51,299 - Yes, Sarika, thank you for taking 102 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:52,766 what I said earlier and shouting it at me. 103 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,636 Okay, let's take this to my office. 104 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,274 - Concussion test. 105 00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,476 Pupils not dilated. 106 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:03,944 Eyelashes are gorgeous. 107 00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,013 That is not fair. Gimme, gimme. 108 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,582 Impulse control. On the count of three, 109 00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:10,818 look right into here and do not blink, okay? 110 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,052 Wah! 111 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,687 - Okay, this is bad. All right, Victor 112 00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:15,956 could be hurt, the school could get sued. 113 00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:17,558 It's--it's like you only care 114 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,393 about yourself, Jack. - Technically, deep down, 115 00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:20,828 we all only care about ourselves. 116 00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:23,030 Psychological egoism. - Well, you know what? 117 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,466 I happen to care about this school. 118 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,967 But--but yeah, you don't respect that. 119 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,336 And--and frankly, I don't-- 120 00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:29,570 I don't think you respect me. 121 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,405 - Oh, come on, Ralph. You know we coo. 122 00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:33,874 - No, I don't know that. Are we coo? 123 00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:35,776 - I'm gonna take Victor back to class. 124 00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:39,046 He's still a bit slow, but I think that was already there. 125 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,415 - Ah, yeah. 126 00:04:41,449 --> 00:04:42,916 - Wait, who's with the kids right now? 127 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,652 - Oh, God, we left them alone again! 128 00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:46,620 - That's hilarious. - Jack, plea-- 129 00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:48,856 Helen, go cover for me. - I also called 130 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:51,925 the teacher's union and the rep is here to see Jack. 131 00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,927 - Which one--wa--not Kim. 132 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:54,928 Not Kim. 133 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,397 Oh, God, please not Kim. 134 00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:57,965 Not Kim, please, not Kim. 135 00:04:57,998 --> 00:05:00,568 Hey! Kim! What's up? 136 00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:02,069 - Jack, don't say another word. 137 00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:04,705 Ralph, get out. - The room is yours. 138 00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,510 - Tums? - No, I'm good. 139 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:10,844 - I'm freakin' addicted. 140 00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:14,548 My name is Kim Burke and as your union rep, 141 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:17,651 I am always on the side of the teacher. 142 00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,654 I don't care if you did kill that kid. 143 00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:22,556 [chuckles] I don't wanna know. 144 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:24,858 As I see it, you have two options. 145 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,094 Or, as I like to call them... 146 00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:28,596 doors. 147 00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:29,830 Huh? 148 00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,565 Door number one: 149 00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:34,502 admit you're at fault, take a one week, 150 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:35,869 unpaid suspension. 151 00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:39,740 However, this could go on your permanent record. 152 00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,475 So-- - Eh. 153 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:46,146 - Then there's door-- or option--two. 154 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,581 We fight it! 155 00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:50,117 You should know, this could take a while. 156 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,686 Because there will be an investigation. 157 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,455 Right, and while all that's going on, 158 00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:56,590 you won't be allowed back in that classroom. 159 00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:57,958 - Say more about that. 160 00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,860 - You'd be in something called teacher jail, 161 00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:02,563 which is basically a trailer where you sit around all day. 162 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:03,997 But that could take a couple months. 163 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,866 - That's a long time to not get paid. 164 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,101 - Oh, who said that? You would get paid. 165 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,137 Full salary. 166 00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:11,605 - You know what? 167 00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:13,641 It feels wrong sweeping this under the rug. 168 00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:15,643 I'd be willing to stay in that damn jail 169 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,811 for as long as it takes to make this right. 170 00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,613 - [whispering] Say the words, Jack, 171 00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:24,418 and I will unleash the dogs. 172 00:06:24,452 --> 00:06:26,086 - Kim... 173 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:29,690 unleash the dogs. - [howling] 174 00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:35,963 . 175 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:36,497 - This is teacher jail. 176 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:41,068 - Yeah, I bet I can guess what some of these guys did. 177 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,670 [chuckles] - Right now, I'm taking you 178 00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,938 off my team and handing you over to the coach. 179 00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:46,940 He's gonna take it from here. 180 00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,642 - All right. 181 00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:50,944 - Here's the rules, Kemosabe: 182 00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,480 Number one, every day you're here, 183 00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:55,415 you've gotta sign in. 184 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,518 - Sorry, I was waiting for number two. 185 00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,620 Okay. All right. 186 00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:06,827 * 187 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,803 [percussive music] 188 00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:18,572 - How we feeling? 189 00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:19,907 Been through so much. 190 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,875 That's why Principal Durbin has entrusted me 191 00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:24,878 with the sacred duty to-- as he would say-- 192 00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:26,146 just take care of it, Helen. 193 00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:28,081 So I went on my computer and I searched 194 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,584 for every available sub in the district. 195 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:34,154 And I think I found someone that you're really gonna love. 196 00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,991 Come on in, don't be shy. Come on. 197 00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,828 Tada! It's me. 198 00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:43,964 You think I'd leave you guys with a stranger? 199 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:46,033 I'm gonna teach you what I know. 200 00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,201 Starting with the gorgeous velveteen labyrinth 201 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:51,672 that is the female reproductive system. 202 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:54,141 This is my cervix. 203 00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:57,511 Who can tell me the five things that are wrong with it? 204 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,280 - Okay, ladies. 205 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,584 I'm trying to get a sense of the culture around here. 206 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:04,785 Nobody? - Mm-mm. 207 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,186 - All right, then. 208 00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,722 Is everybody following the supervision policy? 209 00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:12,292 - I do. Other people may leave their class sometimes. 210 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,928 Not me. Not even if I have to use the bathroom. 211 00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:17,598 I just control it. - She's so dedicated. 212 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,132 - Oh, she's amazing. - She's a queen. 213 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,200 - She has pooped her pants a couple of times. 214 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:21,635 - Wait, what? - I have. 215 00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,671 But I just borrow some red track pants 216 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:24,738 from lost and found. 217 00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:26,139 I wash them and put them back. 218 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,009 - Nobody wants those now. - Let the lost be lost. 219 00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,011 - Hey! Hey, Durbin! 220 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:33,681 Come back here! Durbin! 221 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,248 Where you going? 222 00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:37,718 - Hey, what do you got there? 223 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,086 - This? 224 00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:40,888 This is my dog chow. 225 00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,890 - Your--your what? 226 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,626 - The dogs are loose. 227 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:46,894 - What--what dogs? 228 00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,562 - Jack wants to fight his case. 229 00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:52,165 So you can just wipe that smug look right off your face. 230 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,767 - Why do you hate me so much? 231 00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:55,002 - Because you're weak. 232 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,870 And I don't trust you with my teachers. 233 00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:58,972 You don't deserve to be their principal. 234 00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,808 Just like you didn't deserve 235 00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,309 to be captain of the Glee Club. 236 00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,645 - Okay, Kim, that was 25 years ago. 237 00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:06,179 - I don't care! - You gotta let it go! 238 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,882 - No! Mr. K felt sorry for you. 239 00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:10,918 Everybody knows it should've been... 240 00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:16,156 * me 241 00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:19,126 Yeah. I see you for what you really are, Durbin. 242 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,894 You're no leader of men. 243 00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:23,063 You're nothing but a cutie patootie. 244 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,065 - You know what? I may be a cutie patootie, 245 00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,167 but I'm still the boss around here. 246 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,603 And you were flatting. Good day. 247 00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:30,237 - [gasps] 248 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,639 - [grunts] - Uh! 249 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,707 - Oh, my God. 250 00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:37,945 - Mm-mm. 251 00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,848 - Wh--whatcha workin' on? 252 00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:44,818 - Uh, I'm trying to come up with ideas for a new book. 253 00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:47,688 Philosophy--but I'm not quite sure where to begin. 254 00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:53,126 - Plato says, "All philosophy begins in wonder." 255 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,362 - You know Plato. - I dabble. 256 00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:59,066 - Jack. - Oh, Philip. 257 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,034 Homemade shortbread? 258 00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:03,370 - Yes. [both laugh] 259 00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,105 - Wow. Mmm. 260 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:06,306 What are you here for? 261 00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:07,708 - You ready for this? - Hm? 262 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:09,743 - I tickled some of the other teachers. 263 00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:11,845 [both laugh] 264 00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,146 - Why? - What can I say? 265 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,716 I'm a tickler. I love to make people laugh, 266 00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:17,117 but I don't know any jokes. 267 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,219 - Hm. - It only takes one person, 268 00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,121 though, to call you a teacher tickler. 269 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,256 And true or not, you're ruined. 270 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,192 - Mm. - You are ruined. 271 00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,227 - But it was true? - Very much. 272 00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:28,696 - Mm. - Yeah. 273 00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,831 So, what have you got so far on this book? 274 00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,299 - Ohh-- I don't know. 275 00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:34,134 Something about the distortion of the ego 276 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,970 that comes from late capitalism's denial of death. 277 00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,171 - Mind if I type this down? 278 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:41,074 I mean, it may help to have someone else 279 00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:43,744 tickle the keyboard. - [laughs] 280 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:46,146 Yeah, I'd like that. 281 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:51,785 - Great. Let's dispel some common myths. 282 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,754 Pull-out method. Don't work. 283 00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:55,355 Menopause, not real. 284 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,425 Vaginal orgasm, gimme a break. 285 00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:00,894 - I thought we were gonna get a real teacher. 286 00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:02,262 - You think I wanted this? 287 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:05,032 - I'm gonna need a volunteer. Let me see. 288 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,935 Somebody maybe in the very, very back. 289 00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:11,004 How about, uh, Anthony. 290 00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,439 Come on down. 291 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,975 Come on down, Anthony. Oh, yes. 292 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,176 Come on. Now, Anthony, 293 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,345 I'm gonna say a part of the female body 294 00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,748 and I want you to define it and then I want you 295 00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:21,915 to point it out on me. 296 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:22,983 This is gonna be fun. 297 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,417 - Sarika, you have to fix this! 298 00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:26,453 - This is way worse than Mr. Griffin. 299 00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,088 - Okay! 300 00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:30,791 Ms. Demarcus, can Victor, Grace, Colin and I 301 00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:31,959 go to the bathroom? 302 00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:33,493 - Yeah, the pass is on the desk. 303 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,797 Anthony, perineum. 304 00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:39,466 Keep goin'. Keep goin'. 305 00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:43,236 Keep goin'. 306 00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:45,438 Mine's lower than usual. Keep goin'. 307 00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:48,108 - But this desire for a so-called answer 308 00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:52,012 reflects a society obsessed with the, um-- 309 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,214 uhh-- - Uh, ephemeral? 310 00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:56,083 Ephemeral. - Ephemeral, yes. 311 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,851 Yes, Philip, yes. 312 00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:00,020 [sighs] I'll tell you, now that I have a clear thesis, 313 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,822 this book practically will write itself. 314 00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:04,157 I mean, I think we can have a draft in a month. 315 00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:06,794 - I do. - Ah, yeah. [clears throat] 316 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,062 Can we talk? 317 00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:11,999 - Uhh, yeah. One sec. 318 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:16,269 - Look, this thing is getting blown way out of proportion. 319 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,271 Jack, you know you're in the wrong. 320 00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:21,141 Okay, how about a one day suspension? 321 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,342 - Uh, I don't know. 322 00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:23,911 I mean, I think this-- this policy 323 00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:25,378 really needs to be examined. 324 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:26,780 I mean, these--these kids are old enough to get pregnant. 325 00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:28,215 They can't be alone for two seconds? 326 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,382 - That's literally the reason 327 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:30,417 they shouldn't be left alone. 328 00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,419 Look, it's one day, okay? 329 00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,887 How about a-- a slap on the wrist, 330 00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:35,355 we'll put the whole thing behind us. 331 00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:37,791 - Jack, my fingers are getting cold. 332 00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,093 - Uhh, you know what? I gotta go. 333 00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:41,394 I'm so sorry, Ralph. I don't like this 334 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:44,197 any more than you do. - Get-- [sighs] 335 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:50,403 . 336 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:51,238 - All right, Helen said we could find 337 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,041 every sub in the district on here. 338 00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:55,275 If we find one we like, maybe we can 339 00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,844 go around her completely. 340 00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:58,378 - Colin, all clear? - If I see anyone coming, 341 00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,981 I'll play "Baker Street." - What's "Baker Street"? 342 00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:03,550 - Uh, I think you know. 343 00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,118 - Here we go. 344 00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,920 Let's find the biology teacher of our dreams. 345 00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:09,990 Oh, here we go. - I feel like he's too jacked. 346 00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:12,259 [playing "Baker Street" on saxophone] 347 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,194 - What the-- 348 00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,229 What the heck are you guys doing on my Dell? 349 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,565 - We're looking for a new substitute. 350 00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:21,334 The truth is... 351 00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:24,872 Principal Durbin needs you even more than we do. 352 00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:29,242 - Yeah. He's been through so much. 353 00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:30,410 - Go to him, Helen. 354 00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:32,145 - You're good kids. 355 00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:34,581 I'll get your substitute for you. 356 00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:37,317 Ralph! I got you! I got you! 357 00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:39,286 - We convince the board your case has merit, 358 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,021 this thing could drag on for months. 359 00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:42,322 - Mm. - You sure you're all right 360 00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,157 with being in teacher jail? 361 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,159 - It's been a weirdly productive situation. 362 00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:48,028 - Mr. Griffin, do you have any questions 363 00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,897 before we begin? - Um, yes, 364 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:53,600 are there more white grapes coming or is this all there is? 365 00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:56,069 - Zack? 366 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,139 That's all the grapes. 367 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:02,175 Principal Durbin, your statement. 368 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:05,178 - Yeah, well, uh, it's--it's pretty simple. 369 00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:06,579 - Boo. - I don't think that 370 00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,181 there's any bad guys here. 371 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:11,551 We have a supervision policy. - Sit down! 372 00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:14,054 - He ignored it. - Allegedly. 373 00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,088 - And Victor got hurt! 374 00:14:15,122 --> 00:14:17,324 - Kim, your statement. 375 00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:22,896 - I want to tell you about the most dedicated, 376 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:27,034 caring, hard-working teacher I know. 377 00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,071 Jack Griffin. 378 00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:34,341 I--I mean, clearly, he is suffering 379 00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,909 and this is hard on him. 380 00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:38,111 Right? 381 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:39,679 - I miss my little sweeties. 382 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:44,117 - Why are we persecuting this man 383 00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:47,287 when clearly, the problem at this school 384 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,022 is this man?! 385 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,658 Principal Ralph Durbin. 386 00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:54,127 Dirty Durbin. 387 00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:58,098 Why aren't the teachers following the school policy? 388 00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,968 Well, maybe it's because the principal 389 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:04,371 is asleep on the job. 390 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,339 - Okay, I'm clearly blinking. 391 00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:07,340 - Is he focused on work? 392 00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:10,944 Well, not according to his Google searches. 393 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,445 - Okay, that's private. - I'll allow it. 394 00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:15,548 "Kokomo is it real" 395 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,184 Do we really want a principal 396 00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:18,651 who's daydreaming about 397 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,154 some fake paradise in the Florida Keys? 398 00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:22,355 - Well, why are the other ones real? 399 00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:25,625 Aruba, Jamaica-- - Principal Durbin 400 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,294 mowing the school lawn 401 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:30,998 wearing what is known as a wife-beater. 402 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:32,332 - It was a Saturday. 403 00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:35,435 - Oh! It's okay, everybody, to beat your wife 404 00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,569 on a Saturday. 405 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:37,737 Do we really think 406 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,739 that Principal Durbin told Jack 407 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,541 about the supervision policy 408 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:44,144 when he can't even remember to fix the sign 409 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,513 in front of the school? 410 00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:48,148 Since I've been here this week, 411 00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,517 I've noticed nothing but a trail of destruction 412 00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:51,684 on your watch. 413 00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,453 Kids falling off of desks, 414 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:56,056 teachers defecating in their pants, 415 00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:59,726 and a Harvard professor being micromanaged 416 00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:03,363 by an incompetent, little wiener. 417 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:04,697 But we have a chance 418 00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:08,035 to be on the right side of history. 419 00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,403 Ladies and gentlemen, 420 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,040 fire the wiener. 421 00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:19,346 . 422 00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:19,712 [bell ringing] 423 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:21,781 - Oh--uh, can we just-- 424 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,383 can we have a moment? 425 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,085 Okay, thanks. Uh, Kim, can I talk to you over here? 426 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,786 - I'm killing it, right? - Just-- 427 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,289 can you just ease up on Durbin a little bit? 428 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,158 I mean, I think we can both agree as educators 429 00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:32,525 he's not the problem, it's the policy. 430 00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,661 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut the crap, Jack. 431 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,796 Okay, we both know you love teacher jail-- 432 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,399 being able to get paid to write your little book 433 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,034 and play grab-ass with the freaks. 434 00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:43,803 You punk out on me now, and all that goes away. 435 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,805 - I'm not punking out, I'm just saying lay off Durbin. 436 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,475 He's a good guy. - It's too late, Jack. 437 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:51,144 You let the dogs out. 438 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:52,545 All right, everybody. 439 00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:54,647 On my next slide, you're gonna see 440 00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:58,685 Principal Durbin in full Native American headdress. 441 00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,553 - It--it was the '90s. It wasn't bad yet. 442 00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:02,355 - Okay, excuse me. Can I say something here? 443 00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:03,456 - Uh-uh, sit down! - Just-- 444 00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:06,226 I have something to say, okay? 445 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,295 [sighs] Kim... 446 00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:11,098 Uh...tickled me. 447 00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:12,832 - What?! 448 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,169 - I'm sorry. - She's a teacher tickler. 449 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:18,105 Yeah, she would wait until we were all alone 450 00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,373 and then she would just go bananas all over me, 451 00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:21,708 tickling me up and down. 452 00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,376 Yep. 453 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:26,079 So take her away. 454 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,448 - What are you talking about? Jack, tickling is not 455 00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:30,217 a punishable offense. 456 00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:31,618 I'd call it lightly frowned upon, 457 00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,820 or awkward-- if people are watching. 458 00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:37,324 - What--so no one cares that she tickled me? 459 00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:40,160 - Well then why is Philip, the frickin' best guy I know 460 00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:41,394 in teacher jail right now? 461 00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,430 - That guy did more than just tickle. 462 00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:44,564 - Oh. What else did he do. 463 00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:46,833 - Uh, well, he-- [sighs] 464 00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:48,101 Dated. - Yes. 465 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,869 - He dated the CPR dummy. 466 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,339 - Uhh, okay, you know what? Look, I'm just gonna-- 467 00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,574 I'm gonna come clean here. 468 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,476 I was out of the room when the nerd fell, 469 00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,345 and Ralph warned me about it. 470 00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:03,583 It's totally my fault. So can we just be done here? 471 00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:05,885 - All right, Mr. Griffin is docked three days pay. 472 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,854 - Yeah, and must remain in teacher jail-- 473 00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,756 - And will return to his classroom immediately. 474 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,191 - Ahh. 475 00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,526 - This is not over, Durbin. 476 00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:19,732 [bell ringing] [door opens] 477 00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,636 - My name is Mr. Vining. 478 00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:27,574 I am your new teacher, and I... 479 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,143 love biology. [hopeful music] 480 00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:32,245 Pretty soon, you're gonna love it as well. 481 00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:34,347 But not just love it, 482 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:37,217 you're going to understand it. 483 00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,520 So let's not waste another moment. 484 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,355 Our story begins 485 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:46,526 3.8 billion years ago. 486 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:48,761 In a humble puddle of amino acid. 487 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:53,466 [whispering] You may wanna write that down. 488 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:54,834 - [sighs] All right, chief. 489 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:58,205 I appreciate it, but I got it from here. 490 00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:00,807 - Oh. Okay. 491 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:04,911 Well, uh, fair enough. - Yep. 492 00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:08,181 All right. 493 00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:10,450 - Wait. 494 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,522 - Well, I'm back. 495 00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:16,623 Did you guys miss me? 496 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,558 Yeah? Little bit? 497 00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:21,561 By the way, I know what y'all did. 498 00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:24,564 And, uh, no hard feelings. 499 00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:25,865 - What do you mean? 500 00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,534 - That little accident with Victor, 501 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:28,935 I know you staged it. 502 00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,237 It was just-- 503 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,971 it was a little bit too convenient. 504 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,273 You know, the way Victor 505 00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,275 fell just after Durbin mentioned 506 00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,410 the supervision policy. 507 00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:38,945 But I know Victor-- 508 00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:41,414 sweet, simple Victor couldn't come up 509 00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:42,715 with a plan like that on his own. 510 00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,884 He probably had a little bit of help. 511 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,588 - I don't know what you're talking about. 512 00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,457 - "I don't know what you're talking about." 513 00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:52,759 Sure you don't. 514 00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,295 Well, I gotta say, Serika, you know, I'm impressed. 515 00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:56,863 Yeah, yeah, sometimes I forget 516 00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,698 that even though you're all dumber than me, 517 00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:01,468 there's still some value to your little brains. 518 00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:03,536 Kinda cool. 519 00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:06,639 Well, it's good to be back. 520 00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:11,311 Oh. Who's this little guy? 521 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,782 [door opens] 522 00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:23,490 So...guess you heard I got out. 523 00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:25,492 - Guess you heard I'm not just a tickler. 524 00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:27,760 - Philip, stop. 525 00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:30,663 You don't need to explain a damn thing to me. 526 00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:32,332 - You're not mad? 527 00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:35,302 - Well, I'm--I'm mad you didn't tell me the truth. 528 00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:36,836 There's no secrets between us. 529 00:20:36,869 --> 00:20:39,439 And what is a friend, but a single soul 530 00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:40,707 dwelling in two bodies. 531 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,810 - Aristotle. My favorite philosopher. 532 00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:48,581 Well, second favorite now. 533 00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:51,384 - Come here, you dumb perv. 534 00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,653 [sighs] 535 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,054 Ahh! [both laugh] 536 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,656 Oh, come on! 537 00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:58,858 Oh, you are so bad. 538 00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:01,828 [bell ringing] [toilet flushes] 539 00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:05,598 [playing "Baker Street" on saxophone] 540 00:21:05,632 --> 00:21:12,839 *