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00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:03,635
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:06,939
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:06,941 --> 00:00:10,509
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,512
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:35,567
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to The Price is Right,
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00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,636
now with male models.
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Let's look at this beautiful
new car, presented by Ken.
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♪ ♪
14
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I don't want it.
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Peter, what the hell
happened to my underwear?
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They're all stretched out.
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00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:49,882
Oh, sorry about that.
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Me and the guys
were using them
19
00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:53,819
to shoot crab apples
at Old Man McCratchen's truck.
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00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:56,388
We don't want
raisins on Halloween,
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00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,057
we want candy!
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00:00:58,059 --> 00:01:00,225
Hey, Quagmire, aren't you
gonna get in on this?
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00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:03,729
I, uh, kind of got my own
game going on over here.
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All right, I'm off to
get more underwear.
25
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:12,037
We'll meet back
here at 2:00.
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00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:13,505
Chris, do you
remember your job?
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To try and get my shoes
sucked into the escalator
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so we can sue the mall.
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That's right, sweetie.
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I heard they're paying
50 grand a toe now.
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(train whistle blows)
32
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Ah, the train.
33
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Now that was
the way to travel.
34
00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:30,189
You remember that, Chris?
35
00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:31,290
Not at all.
36
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,858
When did we go
and get ourselves
37
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,094
in such a big damn hurry?
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Hi, uh, I'll take two tickets
for the Ladybug Express, please.
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Sorry, the train is
just for children.
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Well, what about
that guy in the front?
41
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He's a grown-up.
42
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He's the conductor.
43
00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:44,903
I don't see no orchestra.
44
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,705
That's a different
kind of conductor.
45
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,407
Okay, well,
if he's the conductor,
46
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:49,708
why don't he have
electrical tape
47
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:50,876
wrapped around
him for safety?
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00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:52,744
Also, a different
kind of conductor.
49
00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:54,546
All right, thanks for
joking around with me.
50
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:55,981
We're gonna go check out
the rest of the mall.
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00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,453
So, I'm thinking
about getting my ears pierced,
52
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,222
you know, big black gauges.
53
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,257
Then, I can just work
at a bike shop forever.
54
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,291
Take the pressure off.
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00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,426
That's a terrible idea.
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'Cause my lobes
are so nice,
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I know, that's what
everybody says.
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00:02:09,964 --> 00:02:11,997
Wow, check it out.
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00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:14,500
Biracial slam piece,
dead ahead.
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00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:17,803
What's going on
with you, man?
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That's a human being.
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Sorry, sorry,
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my buddy sent me a
bunch of Romanian porn,
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and now every girl
I look at I imagine
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throwing onto a table.
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00:02:25,079 --> 00:02:27,613
Yeah, that wasn't really
the backpedal I expected.
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00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:29,515
Excuse me, uh, Shelby?
68
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:30,649
Hi, I'm Brian.
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00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,017
Hey, I bet lots
of millionaires
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00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:33,919
come in here and hit on
you all the time, huh?
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00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:34,953
(chuckles) Do we?
72
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:36,255
Do we-do we do that a lot?
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00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:38,090
Yeah, I guess it
happens sometimes.
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00:02:38,092 --> 00:02:39,358
Did you want to
look at something?
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00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,659
Already am.
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Hey, can I try that on?
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Good taste. That's our
nicest men's ring.
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Uh, better see if it'll
come off when I ski Aspen.
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Yeah, yeah,
that works, that works.
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I know I'm a nerd,
but I have, like,
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a thing for rich guys.
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00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,009
I'll take the ring,
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and I'll take your number.
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Here you go.
85
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:01,947
Call me.
86
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:02,948
What the hell
are you doing?
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00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,449
That ring is $10,000.
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Relax, Stewie.
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All I have to do
is bring the ring back
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00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,822
when she's not working.
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00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,291
I'll get a refund
and she'll never know.
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00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,459
It's a perfect scam,
like Teddy Roosevelt
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00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:16,161
getting to be
on Mount Rushmore.
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00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:18,397
I won the
Revolutionary War.
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00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:20,465
I won the Civil War.
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00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:22,868
I gained possession of Guam!
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00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,472
(dramatic action music
playing on video game)
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00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:28,740
There you are.
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00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,809
We were supposed
to meet an hour ago.
100
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,144
Yeah, I'm almost done.
101
00:03:32,146 --> 00:03:33,645
I'm playing a really cool
new video game.
102
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,380
Michael Douglas's Munch Out.
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00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,548
Nah...
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00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:39,151
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
105
00:03:39,153 --> 00:03:41,553
Come on, Peter.
It's time to go home.
106
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,322
Not now, Lois.
I'm making ladies feel good.
107
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:45,090
Peter, I've been
on my feet all day.
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00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:46,592
Let's go.
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00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,560
I'd stop, but
Catherine Zeta Jones' big hands
110
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:49,695
are on the back of my head.
111
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,029
You know what?
Forget this.
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We're leaving.
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You find your
own way home.
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(video game beeps)
115
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,235
What?
Throat cancer?
116
00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:59,538
But all I did was drink Scotch,
smoke cigars, and this.
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00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,106
All right, we can go, Lois.
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00:04:01,108 --> 00:04:02,174
Lois?
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00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,014
Mort?!
120
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,582
Oh, hey, how do you
like my blowout?
121
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,685
I'm pulling down so
much chotch, it's insane.
122
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:16,588
I don't... I-I'm... Yuck.
123
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:18,757
Lois?
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Oh, no!
125
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,862
I'm alone and lost in the mall!
126
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:26,698
I haven't been this scared
since the silence of the lamb.
127
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:29,101
Hey, um...
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00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:30,535
let's move in together.
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00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:35,107
Say something!
130
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...and I turned around,
and I don't know
131
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,580
what happened to my wife,
and now I'm all alone
132
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:42,748
and I'm just so scared.
133
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:43,949
Okay.
134
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,717
Do you want to go
look for your wife,
135
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,719
or you want me to
finish the makeover?
136
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,554
I guess we might
as well finish up here.
137
00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:52,858
When I find her,
I want her to go, "Wow."
138
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,095
Lois?
139
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,297
Lois!
140
00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,065
MAN:
Lois!
141
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,433
Lois!
142
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,335
Is your wife named Lois, too?
143
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:05,671
No, but I figured if
she's banging a guy like you,
144
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:06,738
I got a shot.
145
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:07,839
Lois!
146
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,341
Hey, what're you-- Lois!
147
00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:10,342
Lois!
148
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:11,743
Lois!
149
00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:16,348
W-wait, hang on
a second, Shelby,
150
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:18,083
I can't hear you
over my brokers.
151
00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:19,351
Buy! Sell!
152
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:20,919
Buy! Buy!
153
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,255
SHELBY:
Wow, buying and selling?
154
00:05:23,257 --> 00:05:24,323
Yeah, yeah.
155
00:05:24,325 --> 00:05:25,624
Well, I'll see you Saturday.
156
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,025
I better go;
my helicopter's here.
157
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:29,094
Fa-doo, fa-doo,
fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo.
158
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:30,195
Are you still--
159
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:31,263
by the way, you have no idea
160
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:32,464
what a helicopter sounds like--
161
00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:33,965
are you still keeping
up this charade?
162
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,033
Yeah, but it's perfect.
163
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,034
Shelby's already off work,
164
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,536
so I'll just grab the ring
165
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,237
and we can bring it back
before they close.
166
00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:43,642
Huh, I know I left
the ring right here.
167
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:45,210
If you're referring to the ring
168
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:47,379
that I thought was a lug nut,
I ate it.
169
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:48,380
What?!
170
00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:49,548
Why would you eat a lug nut?
171
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,149
I was dared.
By who?!
172
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,150
By myself.
173
00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:53,785
I have low self-esteem.
174
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,554
We should check in
on this guy more.
175
00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,055
Oh, my God,
this can't be happening!
176
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,623
Chris, that was a diamond ring!
177
00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,392
Do you know how expensive
that was?!
178
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,160
I'm sorry, Brian!
179
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:04,563
But don't worry, it'll come out
of my body sooner or later.
180
00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:05,630
He's right.
181
00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:06,898
I ate a dime once.
182
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,734
It became a manhole cover
for, like, three days,
183
00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:09,901
but then, pow!
184
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,870
Okay, yeah, yeah,
we just-we just got to force
185
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,071
Chris to poop, that's all.
186
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:15,507
Yay! Like at a sleep-over!
187
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:17,075
I love you.
188
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:19,144
You're loved.
189
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:24,750
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Attention-- the Quahog Mall
190
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,685
will be closing
in five minutes.
191
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:28,153
Well, I've looked everywhere.
192
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,588
Maybe she left.
193
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:33,091
Paul Blart, if you're out there,
I could sure use a miracle.
194
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,661
(magical chords play)
195
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,236
Choo-choo!
196
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:46,505
All aboard the Ladybug Express!
197
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,206
But be careful, Peter.
198
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:51,009
If this train slows to less
than 50 miles an hour,
199
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:53,378
then Sandra Bullock
has to marry a neo-Nazi
200
00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:54,846
and act like
she didn't know about it,
201
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,349
and then overcompensate
by adopting a black kid.
202
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,452
Aah! Help!
203
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:01,720
(screaming)
204
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:02,721
Holy crap!
205
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:03,722
(screams)
206
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:06,792
(Peter screaming)
207
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,927
Wait! Don't close the mall!
208
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,962
Like an actual Amtrak train,
209
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:12,964
this is dangerously
out of control!
210
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,966
That's legally defensible,
by the way.
211
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:18,303
On your screen is a list
of actual rail disasters.
212
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:22,474
♪ A chug-a chug-a motion like
a railroad train, now ♪
213
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:24,943
♪ Come on baby,
do the Loco-motion! ♪
214
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,652
Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker.
215
00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:35,720
Coming up, the secret
to remaining upbeat
216
00:07:35,722 --> 00:07:37,322
after getting
an elderly waitress.
217
00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:40,425
But we begin with breaking news
from the Quahog Mall,
218
00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:44,095
where a local fat man was stuck
overnight on a child's train.
219
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,797
We now go live
to the newest member
220
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,667
of the Channel Five news team,
Dallas Portland.
221
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:49,668
Thanks, Tom.
222
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:50,769
Yes, quite an ordeal
223
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,671
for Quahog's Peter Griffin.
224
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:55,941
So, Mr. Griffin, you were going
around in circles for 12 hours.
225
00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:57,509
Are you suffering
any ill effects
226
00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:59,010
from the centrifugal force?
227
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:03,081
The wind on my skin
is like "knifes."
228
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,083
(phone keys beeping)
229
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:06,351
Oh, my God, Bonnie,
230
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:07,853
are you watching
the news right now?
231
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:10,155
Yes, I'm so sorry
about Peter.
232
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,623
Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine.
233
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:14,125
But did you see that
sweet, new piece of ass,
234
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:15,327
Dallas Portland?
235
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:16,695
Oh, I don't know.
236
00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:19,531
Why don't you ask my
index and middle finger?
237
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,533
I thought this
was a recovery day.
238
00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:23,668
No days off, bro.
239
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,875
Peter, move,
we need the TV.
240
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:31,710
Is this...
is this a coven?
241
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:32,944
No, we're watching the news.
242
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,546
Now get out of the way.
243
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,848
We had a bottle of wine
and a joint at Bonnie's house,
244
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,383
and we want to watch
Dallas Portland
245
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:39,951
before the buzz wears off.
246
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:42,454
You chicken-heads
are out of control.
247
00:08:43,457 --> 00:08:45,190
Yoga for men?
248
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,626
Yes, says the
inventor of Bro-ga.
249
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,895
I'm here in his studio
above the Petco to see
250
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:52,797
if I want to "nama-stay"
for the whole class.
251
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:54,566
(women laughing)
252
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:56,568
I guess he's handsome and funny.
253
00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:59,037
Oh, feel like I'm cheating
on Tom Bergeron.
254
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,705
That's who you're
all excited about?
255
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,741
That chiseled Adonis
with eyes the color
256
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,175
of summer's first
blueberry?
257
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,844
I don't know
about none of that,
258
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:07,746
but look at that bulge
in his shorts.
259
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,147
I've never seen a bulge
260
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,182
in the front of
a man's pants before.
261
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:12,484
You see that, Peter?
262
00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,252
That's the right amount
of leg hair.
263
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:15,687
My leg hair's fine.
264
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:18,423
I have what they call,
"The Irish Wisp."
265
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:25,397
Why are we at a
health food store?
266
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:26,765
Well, we got to get
that ring out of you,
267
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,099
and this is a place
where people buy
268
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:30,101
disgusting cereals
to help them poop.
269
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,503
Well, which one
should we buy?
270
00:09:31,505 --> 00:09:33,038
I don't know, let's ask.
271
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,407
Are there any gray-haired
lesbian art teachers
272
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:37,909
who can help us select
a fiber cereal?
273
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,377
This won't take long.
274
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:42,113
We know your large dogs
are tied up outside.
275
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:44,282
(women chattering)
276
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,550
There's too many of them!
277
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:46,785
We've got to start a chant
278
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:48,253
so they'll file out
into the street!
279
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:51,790
All sex is rape!
All sex is rape!
280
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:55,360
PROTESTORS: All sex is rape!
All sex is rape!
281
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:56,928
When I first joined this cause,
282
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,964
I was just trying
to get this guy to poop,
283
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:01,933
but now we're this close
to getting sex outlawed
284
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,134
in the United States.
285
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:05,036
(crowd cheers)
286
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:12,210
So, Peter, where are
your boyfriends tonight?
287
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:13,478
I don't know.
Where are yours?
288
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,113
What the (bleep)
did you just say?!
289
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,982
I'm-I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sor... I-I'm just...
290
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:18,483
I'm not myself tonight.
291
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:19,818
Lois and all
of her friends
292
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,419
are drooling over
that new news guy.
293
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:23,321
That Dallas Portland's a jerk.
294
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,090
TOM:
Don't even say that name.
295
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,324
Tom Tucker?!
296
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:27,492
What are you doing here?
297
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:28,927
Getting out of that wind storm
298
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,929
that screwed up my hair
and loosened my tie,
299
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,430
but also trying to forget
300
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:34,299
how mad I am at Dallas Portland.
301
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,600
You and me both, pal.
302
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:36,768
That Dallas guy sucks.
303
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,470
Why, what's your
problem with him?
304
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,672
Eh, my wife's been creaming
her spinach over him.
305
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:42,307
Yeah, tell me about it.
306
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,175
Since he arrived,
our ratings have skyrocketed.
307
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,978
They're grooming Dallas,
which means I'm on my way out.
308
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,414
What?
We can't let that happen.
309
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,449
If that guy becomes the anchor,
every night is gonna be...
310
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:53,118
Hey!
311
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,320
Sorry, I still get a little
dizzy from the train,
312
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,422
but if Dallas Portland's
on TV every night,
313
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,424
my life's gonna be
a living hell.
314
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:00,925
You and me both.
315
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:03,261
Without the news, I...
I don't know who I am...
316
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:04,496
but what can you do?
317
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,031
He's the flavor of the month.
318
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:08,333
But wait a minute,
maybe if we work together,
319
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,968
we can solve both our problems.
320
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,136
What do you mean?
321
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,671
Well, if he's
the hot, young thing
322
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:14,939
and everybody loves him,
all we got to do is make you
323
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:16,708
hotter and
younger and thing-er!
324
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,043
And then they
won't need him.
325
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,210
Well, how we supposed
to do that?
326
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,712
Just trust me.
327
00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:22,547
When I set my mind to something,
anything's possible.
328
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,883
That's how I got
myself on The Voice.
329
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,484
(crying):
I'm doing this for my mother,
330
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,987
who taught me to sing
when I was only seven.
331
00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:32,490
She was my biggest inspiration,
and she was...
332
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:35,960
taken from me when I was 12...
333
00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:38,363
in a fatal car accident.
334
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,333
She was my rock...
my beacon...
335
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,402
and this one...
336
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:45,804
(sniffs)
337
00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:47,806
this one's for her.
338
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:50,809
♪ So, tell me what you want,
what you really, really want ♪
339
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:53,411
♪ I'll tell you want I want,
what I really, really want... ♪
340
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:56,748
All right, Tom, if you
want to be young these days,
341
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:59,651
you gotta do a wicked
awesome GoPro skate video.
342
00:11:59,653 --> 00:12:02,487
("Sabotage" by
Beastie Boys plays)
343
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,323
♪ ♪
344
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,103
♪ I can't stand it ♪
345
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,105
♪ I know you planned it ♪
346
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:22,006
♪ I'm-a set it straight,
this Watergate ♪
347
00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:24,776
♪ I can't stand rocking
when I'm in here ♪
348
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:27,946
♪ Because your crystal ball
ain't so crystal clear ♪
349
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:31,116
♪ So while you sit back
and wonder why ♪
350
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:33,451
♪ I got this ...
thorn in my side ♪
351
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:36,721
♪ Oh, my God, it's a mirage ♪
352
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:38,423
♪ I'm tellin' y'all
it's sabo... ♪
353
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,792
(Peter screaming)
354
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,198
(sniffs)
355
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:53,138
(roars)
(screams)
356
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,305
MALE ANNOUNCER: Bear Scares,
357
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:56,574
Latvia's number-one
bear prank show.
358
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:59,844
Now available in region 3 DVD.
359
00:13:02,783 --> 00:13:05,083
All right, Chris, nothing's
gotten that ring out yet.
360
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:07,051
That's why we brought
you to this fast-food
361
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,586
roast beef restaurant.
362
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:11,089
Uh, yeah, I'll take
the Angus steak melt.
363
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,624
I'm sorry, are you here
to poop something out?
364
00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:14,125
Yes.
365
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,994
Okay, this line is just
for regular diners.
366
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:17,362
You need to get
in that line.
367
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,766
Excuse me, is this the line
for people who need
368
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,001
to puke something up?
369
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,669
I think this is
just the poop line.
370
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,006
Cheers.
371
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:31,042
You know what restaurant
we're talking about.
372
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,914
Ah, almost time
for the news.
373
00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:37,081
Mind if I join you?
374
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:38,349
I thought you
hated the news.
375
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,518
Developing story:
I like it now.
376
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,853
(laughing)
377
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,588
Okay.
378
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,157
Good evening, Quahog,
I'm Dallas Portland.
379
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,425
And I'm T-Homie...
380
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:50,929
with the news
in your mouth!
381
00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,630
What the hell's he doing?
382
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:54,165
He's crushing it.
383
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,368
Okay, Tom, uh,
our top story tonight:
384
00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:59,838
a burst water pipe
in the pediatric unit
385
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,207
of Quahog General
results in the tragic
386
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,843
drowning deaths
of four children and one nurse.
387
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:06,611
News bomb! (laughs)
388
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:07,879
I know what you're
thinking, right?
389
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:09,180
"He's so random."
390
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,648
Boy, I never realized
391
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:12,817
how young and hip
Tom Tucker is.
392
00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:15,386
Dallas Portland should just
pack it up and go home.
393
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,521
What are you talking about?
394
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,022
Wait, wait, quiet, quiet.
395
00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:19,958
Tom's about to tattoo
the word, "Coachella"
396
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,292
on the bridge of his nose.
397
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:22,894
Is that a thing?
398
00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,529
Uh, I don't know, Grandma,
sit back and wa--
399
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:25,630
(squishing)
(both screaming)
400
00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:26,798
He got his eye!
Oh, God!
401
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,333
What's wrong
with you, Dallas?
402
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,468
Never seen a guy so
young and cool before?
403
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:31,469
(coughs)
404
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:32,637
Tumblr!
405
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,307
I've just received
some breaking news.
406
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:39,344
Channel Five News anchor
Tom Tucker has been relieved
407
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,546
of his duties,
effective immediately.
408
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,348
Holy crap! They fired him?
409
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:44,582
Oh, my God!
410
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:46,584
Oh, well,
now back to my life.
411
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:49,487
(whistling)
412
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:50,555
(growling)
413
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,756
(screams)
414
00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:52,991
MALE ANNOUNCER: Bear Scares
415
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:54,092
will be back after message
416
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:55,727
from state-run industry.
417
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:56,928
EUROPEAN MALE ANNOUNCER:
Shirt.gov,
418
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,396
shirt.gov,
419
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,065
is only place
to get your shirt.
420
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:09,841
Peter, you were
the one who told
421
00:15:09,843 --> 00:15:12,577
Tom Tucker to try
all that nonsense on TV?
422
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,179
You realize you cost
that man his job.
423
00:15:15,181 --> 00:15:16,748
Well, how was
I supposed to know?
424
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,917
Katie Couric went on TV
and stuck a tube up her butt
425
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:20,051
and they threw her a parade.
426
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,686
That was a colonoscopy!
427
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:23,388
This is kind of
your fault, you know.
428
00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:24,589
I mean, you're the
one who was drooling
429
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:26,090
over that Dallas Portland.
430
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,792
I was just trying to get
that guy off the air.
431
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,560
Peter, that's ridiculous.
432
00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:32,530
He's just some pretty boy
who doesn't mean anything.
433
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,565
It's like when you watch
Mad Men for that chick
434
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,034
you said was like a fat me.
435
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,969
I said a young, fat you.
436
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,738
The point is,
you've ruined that man's life.
437
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:42,106
(sighs)
You're right.
438
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,308
Poor Tom.
439
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:45,076
Thanks to me,
he's fallen even
440
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,878
further than Charlie Rose.
441
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,380
Today on CBS This Morning,
we'll be talking about
442
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,449
how much sleep you need
to not be drunk
443
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,151
from the night before.
444
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,552
That's not what
we're talking about.
445
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,454
That's what
I'm talking about.
446
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,492
I don't know
what else to do.
447
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:02,760
We've tried everything.
448
00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:04,429
Brian, the jeweler
closes at 6:00.
449
00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:06,331
You don't have much time left
to return that ring.
450
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:07,332
You're right.
451
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:08,933
Well, we have no choice.
452
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:10,735
We'll just have to take
a bumpy ride to the mall
453
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,136
and hope for a miracle.
454
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:14,105
You know, Brian,
this wouldn't have happened
455
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:15,506
if you were just
honest with women
456
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:16,908
and had an ounce
of integrity.
457
00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:18,242
Don't pull rank on me.
458
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,311
You ate a ring,
you worthless tub of crap.
459
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,647
Yeah? Well, who's gonna
be fishing through
460
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,450
a tub of crap soon,
you unemployed buttmunch?
461
00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:27,418
Whoa, whoa,
let's calm down, guys.
462
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,854
Shut up,
you unemployed buttmunch!
463
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:32,223
Okay, he found
a burn he likes.
464
00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:40,031
What the hell do you want?
465
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,199
I'm here to say...
466
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,201
I'm sorry about
what happened.
467
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:44,669
Let me make it up to you.
468
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,537
I'm the one who made
you lose your job.
469
00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:47,839
I'll find you a new one.
470
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:50,008
Don't bother. I'm washed up.
471
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:52,543
Everyone saw what I did,
and besides, I...
472
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:54,445
I can't do anything else.
473
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,547
I was born to be a newsman.
474
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,883
This just out: me!
475
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,551
That-that happened?
476
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:01,719
Is that for real?
477
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:03,154
That's nuts, but still,
478
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,889
I-I want to help you
get back on your feet.
479
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:05,890
Go home, Peter.
480
00:17:05,892 --> 00:17:07,191
You've already done enough.
481
00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:08,693
Thanks to you,
it's over for me,
482
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,461
like Billy Zane.
483
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:11,662
Billy, you're through.
484
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:12,897
You haven't done
anything in ten years.
485
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:14,532
Yes, I have.
486
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,501
I was in those electronic
cigarette commercials.
487
00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:17,869
That was Stephen Dorff.
488
00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,637
Aw.
489
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:25,576
How we doing on time?
Less than a minute.
490
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:26,878
How you feeling, Chris?
491
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,080
No different, except I have
to poop from all this running.
492
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,348
What? That's great!
493
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:31,549
There's a bathroom
down that hall!
494
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,251
No time!
They're closing the gate!
495
00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:36,788
(suspenseful
action music playing)
496
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:44,829
BRIAN:
Hey, Shelby.
497
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,164
SHELBY:
Brian?
498
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,865
CHRIS (groaning):
It's coming!
499
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:50,001
(splat)
SHELBY: Oh, my God!
500
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:51,936
BRIAN: Yes, um, I'd like to make
a return, please...
501
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:54,105
and maybe take you to dinner?
502
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:57,008
SHELBY: Brian, I don't care
that I was diarrhea'd on.
503
00:17:57,010 --> 00:17:59,544
I care that you weren't honest.
504
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,412
STEWIE: I care that
I was diarrhea'd on.
505
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,614
I care a great deal.
506
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,755
Sorry I let you down, Tom.
507
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,256
Oh, my God, look!
508
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,458
Up on the roof!
509
00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,561
Holy crap!
510
00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:18,996
Doritos Tacos is only
for a limited time?
511
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:21,432
And oh, no!
512
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,768
Tom Tucker's gonna jump!
513
00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:31,542
Tom, I got here as
fast as I could.
514
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:33,277
So-so, what's-what's
going on?
515
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:34,579
It's over for me, Peter.
516
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:36,314
If I can't anchor
the local news,
517
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,949
I have no reason to live.
518
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:40,051
Look, Tom, Tom, before
you do anything crazy,
519
00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:41,486
you should know one thing:
520
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:44,155
I have that exact
same bathrobe.
521
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:46,157
Hey, Tom, the camera's
gonna be on you in a second.
522
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,825
Before you jump,
could you just hand me
523
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,495
this microphone, like you're
passing me the torch?
524
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:51,996
What the hell
are you doing here?
525
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:52,997
What am I doing?
526
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,499
Getting an interview
with a crazed jumper
527
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:55,566
on the brink of suicide.
528
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:56,667
This is huge.
529
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,236
Wait a second.
530
00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,670
You heard wrong, Dallas.
531
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,906
There's a jumper here,
but it ain't Tom.
532
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:02,907
It's me.
What?!
533
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:04,175
That's right.
534
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:05,676
Tom was just trying
to talk me down,
535
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:07,678
and if there's
a news story here,
536
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,681
the only one I'm giving
it to is Tom Tucker.
537
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,917
Here.
538
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:14,585
Roll it.
539
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:16,787
Good evening, Quahog.
540
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,322
This is Tom Tucker
atop a roof,
541
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:21,526
where a local crazy person
is preparing to end it all.
542
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:22,593
Bonnie!
543
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:24,695
Tom Tucker's back on the news!
544
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,030
Oh, here you are.
545
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,031
Tom Tucker's back...
546
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,199
I know.
547
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:30,635
Honey, I'm back on TV.
548
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,336
No, Billy,
that's Tom Tucker.
549
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,871
Aw.
550
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:35,706
What's going on?
551
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:38,042
Don't worry about it,
just get those pants off.
552
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,611
Oh, your hair is amazing.
553
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,548
Tell us, crazy person,
why are you doing all this?
554
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:45,016
I'll tell you why.
555
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:47,385
I'm doing this because
I ruined a guy's life...
556
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,020
and I feel awful about it.
557
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:52,456
It's the only thing I can think
of to make things right.
558
00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:56,727
Well, whoever this guy is,
I'm sure he appreciates
559
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,296
what you're trying
to do for him.
560
00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,731
I think I speak for all
our viewers when I say,
561
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,233
don't do this.
562
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:03,634
Please.
563
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,069
Come down off
this ledge with me.
564
00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:06,804
You got it.
565
00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:10,208
If that's what the most trusted
newsman in Quahog wants.
566
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,077
Aah! Pigeon!
567
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:14,078
(Tom yells)
568
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,246
(Tom thuds, groans)
569
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:16,247
It's fine.
570
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:17,315
He landed on people.
571
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:26,090
Well, I'm glad
your crazy stunt worked out
572
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,758
and Tom Tucker is back
at Channel Five.
573
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,026
Yeah, apparently,
574
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:30,595
when he interviewed me
up on that roof,
575
00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:32,930
the ratings were so huge,
they made him anchor again.
576
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:34,432
That's great
to hear, because...
577
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:37,268
MAN (distant):
Lois! Lois!
578
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:38,836
I-Is somebody
calling my name?
579
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,671
Lois!
580
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:41,772
I don't think so, no.
581
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:43,374
Lois, I'm rich!
582
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,243
Now I think I do
hear something.
583
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:47,011
I should probably
go see what he wants.
584
00:20:47,013 --> 00:20:51,182
I know I'm a nerd, but I have,
like, a thing for rich guys.
585
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:56,020
Oh, boy, she's getting
in his helicopter.
586
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:57,388
Fa-doo, fa-doo,
fa-doo, fa-doo,
587
00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:59,523
fa-doo, fa-doo,
fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo...
588
00:20:59,525 --> 00:21:02,526
Well, I'm big enough
to admit when I'm wrong.
589
00:21:02,528 --> 00:21:05,029
(jazzy instrumental version
of theme song playing)