1
00:00:00,334 --> 00:00:03,302
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,304 --> 00:00:06,438
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,875
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:13,145
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:16,548
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:20,152
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:21,687
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,655
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:28,727
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:38,203
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to the NBA on TNT... on LSD.
11
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,741
Man, I'm out my mind!
12
00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:46,578
Okay, my mom will be here
any minute for our spa day.
13
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"Spa," S-P-A.
14
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:51,050
Yes, very good, Peter.
15
00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,485
And remember, while we're
off getting our massages,
16
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:55,487
you and Daddy are gonna
spend the day together here.
17
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,489
Aw, I don't want
to hang out with him.
18
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,324
He's, like, not
ticklish anywhere.
19
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:01,326
Look, I'm sorry,
but my mom said
20
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,162
he can't be left alone
at home anymore.
21
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:06,899
Last time, he went crazy and
moved all the furniture around.
22
00:01:06,901 --> 00:01:09,234
♪ Dancing, walking ♪
23
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:12,237
♪ Rearranging furniture ♪
24
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:15,074
♪ Babs is shopping ♪
25
00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:17,676
♪ I let the bird
out of the cage... ♪
26
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:19,111
(knocking on door)
27
00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:21,513
Hello, dear.
28
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,515
Oh, I always forget
29
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:26,018
you walk right into
the living room in your house.
30
00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:27,386
Hey, do you have
a Band-Aid?
31
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,254
Nothing happened,
but I'm bleeding.
32
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,323
You know what, I'll just
rummage through your bathroom.
33
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:34,693
(sighs) Man, spending
a whole day with him
34
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:36,895
is gonna be worse
than eating at a ball park.
35
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,730
Uh, I'll take
one terrible beer,
36
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,732
filled up way too high,
so I spill most of it,
37
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:43,569
and a too-long hot dog
on a too-short bun.
38
00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:44,970
And do you have
mustard and relish?
39
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Yeah, it's right there
between the entrance
40
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,040
and the exit to
the bathroom.
41
00:01:48,042 --> 00:01:50,042
Perfect. And can I get
a bag of unsalted peanuts?
42
00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:51,443
You know, something
I would never eat
43
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,878
anywhere else in the world?
44
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:53,879
Sure, here you go.
45
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:55,481
Great, great.
46
00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:58,117
I can't wait to have diarrhea
in the stall with no door
47
00:01:58,119 --> 00:02:00,519
while 20 guys wait
for me to finish.
48
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:06,625
(girls giggling)
No.
Ah, no.
49
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,627
MEG: All right,
left cankle, red.
50
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,629
(girls giggling)
51
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,464
Right muffin top, blue.
52
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,466
(girls giggling)
53
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,901
(farting)
54
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,302
GIRLS: Sorry.
55
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:19,571
Ugh, God, kill me.
56
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:22,407
Stewie, I can't take any more
of Meg and her gross friends.
57
00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:23,809
Ah, ah,
hang on, hang on.
58
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,677
I'm just finishing up
an e-mail to Delta.
59
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:28,514
"I have never not screamed
at the top of my lungs
60
00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:31,950
during air pressure changes, and
I do not intend to stop now."
61
00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:32,951
Okay, what was it?
62
00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:34,586
Meg's friends.
63
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:36,421
They're just so loud
and boring and annoying.
64
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:39,258
Well, not everybody can be
as fascinating as you, Brian.
65
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,659
Thanks for coming by.
66
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,661
Hey, Brian, Mom
took the car.
67
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,097
Can you give me and my friends
a ride to field hockey practice?
68
00:02:45,099 --> 00:02:49,101
Uh, I'm kind of helping Stewie
with an e-mail to Delta.
69
00:02:49,103 --> 00:02:50,536
Please, Brian.
70
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,604
It would get them
out of the house.
71
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,606
Well, that's true.
And I gotta do something,
72
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,009
'cause they're more annoying
than ants at a picnic.
73
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:58,443
(ranchera music blaring)
74
00:02:58,445 --> 00:02:59,912
Would you mind
turning that down?
75
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:02,681
(volume increases)
76
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,117
And you're not supposed
to be grilling.
77
00:03:05,119 --> 00:03:07,886
I know you can
understand me.
78
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:16,328
So... what, uh, what
do you want to do?
79
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,729
I don't know.
80
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,164
Sucks that we're
stuck here alone.
81
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,567
Wait a minute,
here alone.
82
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,468
You thinking what
I'm thinking?
83
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,304
This was not
what I was thinking.
84
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:27,172
That's weird, it's not
what I was thinking either.
85
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:28,740
I don't even know
how it happened.
86
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,742
No, me neither, but this
spaghetti's not half bad.
87
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,811
A "happy mistake,"
we'll call it.
88
00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:37,816
Now what do you
want to do?
89
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,051
Well, we could
watch porn.
90
00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:40,485
Have you heard
of porn?
91
00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:41,887
Is that something
you're aware of?
92
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,855
You have postcards
from France?!
93
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,490
No, no, no, like...
like, on the computer.
94
00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:47,259
There's like tons
and tons of videos
95
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,694
of people doing
it on there.
96
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,095
Wait, l-let me understand:
97
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,531
You want to watch
that with me?
98
00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:54,366
Well, not anymore,
you just made it weird.
99
00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:55,901
But there's other
stuff on there.
100
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:58,203
You want to see a guy in
a human-sized hamster ball
101
00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,204
roll off a mountain?
102
00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:00,672
Uh, yeah.
103
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,443
So this is in Russia?
104
00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:06,278
Somebody's gonna
slow him down, right?
105
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,713
Whoa!
106
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,548
(chuckles) I got
to e-mail that to Babs.
107
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:10,749
She hates people.
108
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,751
Huh, got a new e-mail here.
109
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,753
And it's from a Nigerian prince.
110
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,589
It says he's got millions
frozen in an account.
111
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,592
All he needs is a hundred grand
to pay legal fees,
112
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,528
and then as soon as he gets his
money, I get a million bucks.
113
00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:25,530
Wow, and he must
need it quick,
114
00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:27,532
'cause there was, like, a
bazillion typos in that e-mail.
115
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:28,934
You got to send
that money.
116
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,769
You think so?
Absolutely.
117
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:33,205
I mean, can you imagine if
you make a million bucks?
118
00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:35,540
You'll be happier than the
guy on his wedding day.
119
00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:36,942
Thanks, everyone.
120
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,377
Good-bye, Mom. Good-bye, Dad.
121
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:40,212
Good-bye, friends.
Good-bye, free time.
122
00:04:40,214 --> 00:04:43,048
Farewell, sex.
So long, golf on TV.
123
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,883
I'll miss you, privacy.
124
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:47,286
Good-bye, being honest
about how many beers I've had.
125
00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:49,121
Nice knowing you,
my own choices.
126
00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:50,622
See ya later, money!
127
00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:56,762
Thanks for
the ride, Brian.
128
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,163
Yeah, and thanks
for the lecture
129
00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:00,232
on what real music is,
Mr. Griffin.
130
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,670
Geez, how many Snickers
could they eat
131
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,505
in a five-minute car ride?
132
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:09,241
Ah, crap, somebody left
their gym bag.
133
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:14,479
God, it would've been real
easy to bring a gun in here.
134
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,848
Where the hell'd they go?
135
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,053
Oh, whoops.
136
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,822
(sultry music playing)
137
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,490
♪ Ooh, yeah... ♪
138
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,061
Wow.
139
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:32,597
(gasps)
140
00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:33,999
Holy crap.
141
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,434
That was Patty.
142
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:37,169
And she's got
a smokin' hot body.
143
00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:39,271
This is a bigger surprise
than when I found out
144
00:05:39,273 --> 00:05:41,139
Joe was a clown.
145
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,041
(car alarm chirps)
146
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,110
JOE: I think
that belongs to me.
147
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,480
I'm sorry you had
to find out this way.
148
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:49,881
Okay.
149
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,717
You won't tell
anyone, will you?
150
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:52,718
No.
151
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,187
You can tell people.
152
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:01,560
Hey, so how
was the spa?
153
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:04,196
Oh, it was fine, though
I don't know why they made us
154
00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:06,398
face each other during
the mother-daughter bikini wax.
155
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,834
Did you two have
a nice afternoon?
156
00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,836
Sure did.
I made a million dollars!
157
00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:12,637
What?! How?
158
00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:15,073
Carter sent $100,000
to a Nigerian prince
159
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,808
who's gonna give
him a million.
160
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:19,878
Oh, Peter, don't tell me
you two fell for that scam.
161
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,313
What? What are you
talking about?
162
00:06:21,315 --> 00:06:23,715
It's the oldest
e-mail scam out there.
163
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,151
Their assets are frozen,
you cover legal fees.
164
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,986
Blah, blah, blah.
165
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,988
Oh, my God, he did say,
"Blah, blah, blah."
166
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,890
You're never getting
that money back.
167
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:34,326
What?! So that-that money's
just been Josh Hartnett-ed?!
168
00:06:34,328 --> 00:06:35,327
What's that?
169
00:06:35,329 --> 00:06:36,595
Gone! Disappeared!
170
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:37,896
Never to be
heard from again!
171
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,898
Isn't he in that
Showtime thing
172
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,266
with the blood
and the hats?
173
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:42,701
Look, the point is
I was swindled.
174
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,102
I guess so.
175
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,104
Well, come on, Mom,
the man was very specific
176
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:48,173
that we need to go
put lotion on each other.
177
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:51,943
Geez, I'm really
sorry, Carter.
178
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,412
But at least you
have your health.
179
00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:55,213
(coughing)
180
00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:56,581
Oh...
181
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:57,783
You know,
this is your fault.
182
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,251
You're the one
who said I should do it!
183
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:01,052
Mm-hmm, there's
that judgy-ness
184
00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:03,054
Babs is always calling
me and talking about.
185
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:05,424
Look, nobody steals
from Carter Pewterschmidt.
186
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,526
I am going to Africa
and getting my money back.
187
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:08,927
And you're coming with me.
188
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,363
Africa?
We're going to Africa?!
189
00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:13,298
I wonder if it
will change us.
190
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:15,434
But, of course,
it did change us.
191
00:07:15,436 --> 00:07:18,870
I've been working here for 50
years, pretending I'm a woman.
192
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,639
(French accent): Do you ever
regret not having children,
193
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:22,274
Mother Bernadette?
194
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:24,609
Oh, I've had many children.
195
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:27,679
♪ ♪
196
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,591
ANNOUNCER:
We now return
197
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,793
to Kevin James Got Too Fat
To Be In Movies.
198
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,796
Kevin James, why'd you have
to come back to television?
199
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,798
I ate Adam Sandler.
200
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,633
Uh, yoo-hoo!
201
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,735
I'm in here
with the pizza.
202
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:51,803
(knocking on door)
203
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,140
Okay, time to go to Africa
and get my money back.
204
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:56,575
Are you ready?
205
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,577
I was born three
months early.
206
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,412
LOIS: Peter, who's
that at the door?
207
00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:02,414
Oh, just so you know, I didn't
tell Lois where we're going,
208
00:08:02,416 --> 00:08:04,416
and I couldn't be
touched until I was two.
209
00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:05,817
Daddy, what are
you doing here?!
210
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,452
Oh, hey, Lois.
211
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,287
Uh, Carter and I are going away
for the next week or so.
212
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,689
You are? Where?
213
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:13,124
Oh, uh... we're, uh...
214
00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:15,126
I mean, um...
215
00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:16,127
Pinterest!
216
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:17,128
Wow, sounds great.
217
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,296
Have fun.
218
00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:19,531
This is getting easier.
219
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,533
Now I just say
daytime-mom words.
220
00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:22,968
Okay, so see you soon,
221
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,803
and... Chablis The View.
222
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:26,204
Aw, you too,
sweetheart.
223
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,873
Bye.
224
00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:34,679
I'm telling you, you wouldn't
believe Patty's body.
225
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:37,682
Just, uh, a tiny waist,
firm butt, great rack.
226
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,518
(singsongy):
♪ She's in high school. ♪
227
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,353
I know, and she's
in high school.
228
00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:42,554
It's, like,
7:00 a.m., dude.
229
00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:43,788
Calm down.
230
00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:45,790
Meg, hey, how's it going?
231
00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:47,058
Uh, hey, Brian.
232
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,193
Cool, that's
great to hear.
233
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,227
Hey, where's Patty?
234
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,228
Oh, I don't know.
235
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:51,630
Probably at her house?
236
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:53,465
(laughs) You're
hilarious, Meg.
237
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:55,867
Hey, so, uh, what kind of movies
do you and your friends like?
238
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,302
Well, Ruth likes...
Not her.
239
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:58,703
Esther likes...
Not her.
240
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,005
I like...
Patty, just Patty.
241
00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:02,007
Oh, she loves anything
242
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,409
where a teenage girl
is sick and dies of cancer.
243
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:06,845
Or any movie where
a character is named Patty.
244
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,980
Ugh, she loses
her mind for that.
245
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:12,117
Well, okay, Miss Chatterbox,
you better get off to school.
246
00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:15,754
Wow, you're really
obsessed with Patty.
247
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:18,256
You want her even more than
I wanted the new iPhone.
248
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,891
How's it going?
Good.
249
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,326
Just looking forward to
getting that new phone.
250
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:22,327
What are you
talking about?
251
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:23,728
This isn't
the Apple store.
252
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,163
This is
a super-gay club.
253
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,566
Yeah, right, I leave
and you get my phone.
254
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,768
Nice try, cutie pie.
255
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,836
♪ ♪
256
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:47,619
Wow, there's so much
wildlife in Africa.
257
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:49,621
You know, they say there's
some animal species here
258
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,056
that haven't even
been discovered yet.
259
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:52,457
Is that right?
260
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:54,292
Yes, that is right.
261
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:56,294
Oh, my God,
look over there!
262
00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:00,565
That African warlord
is brutalizing
263
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,400
those innocent people.
Yeah, but it's okay,
264
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:04,235
because he's wearing
a large cowboy hat
265
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:06,071
and follows everything
with "hamburger,"
266
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:08,073
like that stand-up
comic from the '90s.
267
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:12,043
We are going to force all these
young boys to be child soldiers.
268
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:13,878
Hamburger.
269
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:15,080
(giggling)
270
00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:16,915
After 18 hours in the mines,
271
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,917
we are going to check
your butts for diamonds.
272
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:20,552
Hamburger.
273
00:10:20,554 --> 00:10:21,820
(laughs) I get it.
274
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:22,887
If you do not work
275
00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:23,822
on my rubber plantation,
276
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,790
I will burn your tongues.
277
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,125
Oh, my God!
278
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,560
Hamburger.
279
00:10:28,562 --> 00:10:29,961
(giggling)
280
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:30,962
Ah, I found him.
281
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,964
Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones.
282
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,900
He made it to YouTube.
Must be filthy rich.
283
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,740
Oh, my God!
284
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,742
I didn't expect to
see you guys here.
285
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:46,144
So teenagers know
about the mall, too?
286
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,512
Know what
about the mall?
287
00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:48,513
Yeah, right?
288
00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:50,515
Boy, the day I'm having.
289
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,350
I actually made
one too many Build-a-Bears
290
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:53,785
for the cancer kids.
291
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:55,954
If only I could build
a cure, huh?
292
00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:58,156
Aw...
Hey, you know
what, Patty?
293
00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,758
Why don't you take
the extra one?
294
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,092
Wow, thanks, Brian.
295
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:02,327
Yeah, that's cool, Brian.
296
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,828
Will you buy me a hat at Lids?
297
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,363
No. You know, Patty,
298
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:07,599
I've got $7.50 left
on my Panda Express card,
299
00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,300
if you want to split
a three-item combo.
300
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:10,669
No drink.
Sure!
301
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:13,471
Well, then, hop on board
the Panda Express!
302
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,540
(chuckles)
In bed, right?
303
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:17,976
Like-like with the fortune
cookies, you know...
304
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:20,278
Brian, can I talk
to you for a second?
305
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,113
What the hell
is going on?
306
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,815
You're hitting on Patty
and it's gross.
307
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,050
She's 18!
308
00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:26,885
Stop it!
Me?
309
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,687
Meg, I am not even
going to dignify that
310
00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,321
with a mall erection.
311
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,524
Don't...
don't look down.
312
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:34,559
(gentle African music playing)
313
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,231
Well, we made it.
314
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,167
East Bola.
315
00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:46,337
All right, let's find our
"prince" and get my money back.
316
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,572
Get down!
317
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,007
On the ground!
(yelps)
318
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,241
This is unacceptable.
319
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,143
I demand to speak
to Anthony Anderson.
320
00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:57,015
(phone ringing)
321
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,850
Okay, hold on.
Shoot me if you must,
322
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:01,119
but it is imperative
that I answer this call.
323
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,589
Yello?
324
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,424
Yes, this is Peter Griffin.
325
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:09,661
Yes, I did call you about the
eight-piece lawn croquet set.
326
00:12:09,663 --> 00:12:12,430
Now, it says "weathered,"
just how weathered is it?
327
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:15,433
Yeah, go ahead and send me
a pic, that'd be very helpful.
328
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:16,701
(phone chimes)
329
00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:18,336
Sir, shoot me if you must,
330
00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:20,972
but it is imperative
that I look at these pictures.
331
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,215
The hell with this.
332
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,282
I'm getting my money back
333
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:32,751
if it's the last
thing I do.
334
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,619
Hey, here's the guys.
335
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,721
Who are you
and why are you here?
336
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:38,189
I'm Carter Pewterschmidt,
337
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:39,958
and I'm here because
you stole my money!
338
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,293
You?
You are Carter Pewterschmidt?
339
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:43,595
You're damn right I am!
340
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:44,963
Oh! It's him!
341
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,198
It's the Great Father
Pewterschmidt!
342
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,567
What's happening?
What's he talking about?
343
00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:51,603
You are a great hero to us.
344
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,371
It is with the money
that you sent
345
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:54,973
that we have been able to make
346
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,075
many wonderful improvements
to our village.
347
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:59,244
And he used my computer.
348
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:01,579
I'm Griff, by the way,
that's what everybody calls me.
349
00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:03,782
That's not true.
Nobody calls him that.
350
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:09,087
It was your money that
paid for the school,
351
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:11,723
a well to provide
clean drinking water,
352
00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:13,925
our first health clinic,
353
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:16,494
and a Redbox with
one movie in it.
354
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:17,962
It's Baby Geniuses.
355
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,964
Which I, personally,
could begin watching
356
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,000
at any point in the film
and enjoy from there.
357
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,902
Oh, yeah, that's how
I feel about that video
358
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,603
of Kelsey Grammer
fallin' off the stage.
359
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:26,938
I don't understand.
360
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,673
So there never was
a Nigerian prince?
361
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:32,477
No. You see, no one will
actually give money to Africa
362
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,078
unless they are tricked into it.
363
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,814
So again, we thank you
364
00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:37,749
for your generosity,
Father Pewterschmidt.
365
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:39,250
Well, I hope you enjoyed it...
366
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,485
'cause I'm taking it all back.
367
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:41,286
What?
What?
368
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:42,687
You heard me!
369
00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:43,688
Nobody steals
from Carter Pewterschmidt
370
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:44,956
and gets away with it!
371
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,491
Carter, why you
bein' so mean?
372
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:47,759
The money's spent.
373
00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:49,761
And look how happy
you made these people.
374
00:13:49,763 --> 00:13:51,830
Talk to me...
it's your buddy Griff.
375
00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:53,464
Tear it all down! Now.
376
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:55,433
Or I'm canceling Kwanzaa.
377
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:56,668
What is Kwanzaa?
378
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,670
Ah!
I knew it wasn't real!
379
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:03,708
Hey, there, babe.
380
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:04,976
Hey, Brian.
381
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,377
You ready?
382
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:08,279
Got the Smash Mouth
cued up in the Pri.
383
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:09,514
Brian, what are you doing here?
384
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,449
I'm here to
pick up Patty.
385
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:13,484
We're going to see a movie
called Brittany Finds a Lump.
386
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:15,486
You're parked in
Mr. Tackleman's space.
387
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,055
You're going on a date
with Patty?
388
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,523
I told you to back off.
389
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,525
And since when
do you wear high-tops?
390
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,526
What, my kicks?
391
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:22,794
Ah, it's nothin'.
392
00:14:22,796 --> 00:14:24,195
I just use these
for Instagram.
393
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,463
That's something I like!
394
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:26,698
Ah, shut up, Esther!
395
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,466
All right, we're out of here.
396
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,935
Feel free to use the seat
warmer, keep that box hot.
397
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,572
♪ Somebody once told me ♪
398
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,541
♪ The world is gonna... ♪
399
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:46,251
Geez, I can't believe you're
going through with this, Carter.
400
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:48,253
Paying these thugs
to tear down the village
401
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,520
isn't gonna bring
your money back.
402
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,155
This isn't about the money.
403
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:53,524
This is payback for Sammy
Davis dating Kim Novak.
404
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:55,560
Oh, come on, Carter,
don't do this.
405
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,528
You don't want to be
the first white guy
406
00:14:57,530 --> 00:14:58,730
to do something
bad to Africa.
407
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,064
Are you about done?
408
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,332
I'm supposed to go
lion shooting
409
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:02,901
with a scumbag dentist.
410
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,235
(sighs)
411
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:09,540
Oh, my God, they're even taking
down the mosquito netting.
412
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:10,575
(buzzing)
413
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,277
(children screaming)
414
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:15,179
♪ Buzz, buzz, buzz. ♪
415
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,583
No, Carter, I can't
let you do this!
416
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,051
I won't stand by
417
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,886
and let you further ruin
this terrible place!
418
00:15:21,888 --> 00:15:23,421
Oh, is that right?
419
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,189
Yes, that is right.
420
00:15:25,191 --> 00:15:26,891
Here's 5,000 bucks.
421
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,192
Lock up that fat-ass.
422
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:36,200
Damn it, this sucks.
423
00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:37,902
I may never get out of here.
424
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:40,939
Well, as a man
falsely imprisoned in Africa,
425
00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:43,708
I have no choice but to write
a memoir of my struggles.
426
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:45,977
"Chapter One:
427
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:49,414
"Harry Potter's aunt and uncle
were super mean.
428
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:52,817
"'Spank me harder,' the lady
says to Fifty Shades of Grey.
429
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:55,386
"'That's Mr. Fifty
Shades of Grey
430
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,155
"to you,
Kate from Ben and Kate.'
431
00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:59,324
"And then he turned her butt
inside out.
432
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:01,292
Because, sexy."
433
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:04,062
"'Isn't that special,'
said the Church Lady,
434
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:06,331
"before reporting
for her botched surgery.
435
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:08,733
"Anyway, I'm here in a prison
against my will,
436
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:09,968
"and I should be free.
437
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:12,470
The end."
438
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,072
Take this, Cheebo.
439
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:16,140
Take this to a French-Canadian
flight attendant.
440
00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:18,343
And he will give it
to everybody.
441
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,411
(gentle African music playing)
442
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,252
(crickets chirping)
443
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:30,989
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
444
00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:33,591
Our top story:
sinking newscaster.
445
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,494
Just kidding, it's the chair.
446
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:39,630
But, in other news, domestic
abuse enthusiast Paul Simon
447
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:42,200
has released a new song
inspired by a memoir
448
00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:44,535
written by Quahog's
own Peter Griffin,
449
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:46,971
who has been falsely imprisoned
by his father-in-law
450
00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:48,439
in an African jail.
451
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,541
Oh, for God's sake.
452
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:53,578
I bet there's not one word
about you in that book.
453
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,283
Wow, what a beautiful night.
454
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:01,119
Yeah.
455
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:03,788
Hey, I wonder if any of those
stars are wishing on us, huh?
456
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:05,690
You're so deep.
457
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,658
I betcha you're
pretty deep, too.
458
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:10,528
Aw, you're so sweet.
459
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,530
Why are you so nice to me?
460
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,298
Most guys never give me
the time of day
461
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:15,900
because I'm so plain-looking.
462
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:17,568
Well, I'm not
like most guys.
463
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:19,070
I can see past
that sweater.
464
00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:20,538
Speaking of which,
465
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,240
why don't we get rid
of that big old thing?
466
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,642
Brian, stop!
467
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,344
You don't have
to do this, Patty.
468
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:28,046
Brian's just taking
advantage of you.
469
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,547
What? That's crazy!
470
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,682
What?
Why would he do that?
471
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:33,651
Because you have
an amazing body.
472
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:34,886
I do?
473
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,387
But... you're always saying
474
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,890
dumpy girls like us
only have each other.
475
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,491
You're not dumpy.
476
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,026
I was just saying that
477
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:43,394
because I was worried
you'd become popular
478
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,096
and not want to be friends
with us anymore.
479
00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:46,931
Meg, I'm $18
into this evening,
480
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,566
so can you maybe
just get out of here?
481
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,001
Meg, that's silly.
482
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:51,869
I'll always be your friend.
483
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:53,438
You promise?
484
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,807
♪ ♪
485
00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:02,513
Oh, come on, what the hell?
486
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:03,748
Bummer.
487
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,283
He's never gonna
get to hit that.
488
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,251
I know. That's exactly
what I wished for.
489
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:10,855
Well, I actually wished
for it 30,000 years ago.
490
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,924
♪ ♪
491
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:16,894
It's true.
492
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,463
Even at the speed of light,
493
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:20,631
mean-spirited thoughts
from the stars
494
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:23,067
can take thousands or
even millions of years
495
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:25,603
to reach the Earth.
496
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,106
Ham-burger.
497
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,611
(intro playing)
498
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:36,047
♪ There's a great man
locked up in a cell ♪
499
00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:38,549
♪ The African folks
all know him well ♪
500
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,952
♪ He's a great spirit
with a lot to say ♪
501
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:43,554
♪ That's why they locked
Peter Griffin away ♪
502
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:46,157
♪ There's a breeze
that's in the air ♪
503
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:48,926
♪ Peter Griffin in my hair ♪
504
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:51,229
♪ Peter Griffin up my nose ♪
505
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:53,898
♪ In my lungs
and down to my toes ♪
506
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,400
♪ Peter Griffin in my skin ♪
507
00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:58,603
♪ Everybody breathe him in ♪
508
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:01,172
♪ Peter Griffin ♪
509
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:03,608
♪ Freedom for Peter Griffin ♪
510
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:06,110
♪ Peter Griffin ♪
511
00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:09,247
♪ Let my Peter go. ♪
512
00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:10,681
Now wait, let me
get this straight:
513
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,984
none of you guys has
ever heard of Bono?
514
00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:14,252
He says he knows you.
515
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:16,120
Daddy! What the hell
are you doing?
516
00:19:16,122 --> 00:19:17,688
You threw Peter in jail?
517
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,824
Hey, Pumpkin, welcome!
518
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,959
Whatever you do, don't tell
them you have a clitoris.
519
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,794
Yeah, they told me
that at the embassy.
520
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,630
Look, I'm sorry
you got swindled,
521
00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:27,798
but you can't treat
people this way.
522
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,134
You let Peter out of
that jail right now.
523
00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:31,469
And give these
people back
524
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:32,937
their health clinic
and their school.
525
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,172
No!
526
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:36,174
PETER: Hi, Lois!
I like your shorts!
527
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:37,608
Bye, Lois!
528
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:38,876
Oh, my God!
529
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,144
Enough is enough!
530
00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,379
That's your son-in-law!
531
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:42,647
And my husband!
532
00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:45,183
I know how
families work, Lois.
533
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,218
All right.
Let him go.
534
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,287
Yay!
535
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:50,521
Lois, how much was your flight
536
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,956
and which card
did you put it on?
537
00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:54,158
Daddy, I don't
understand any of this.
538
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,027
I mean, you've
always been grouchy,
539
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:58,563
but why are you being
so mean-spirited?
540
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,331
What's gotten into you?
541
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,700
What's gotten into me?
I'm angry!
542
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,335
For God's sake, I can't
even be left alone
543
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:05,970
in my own house
for an afternoon.
544
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:07,738
You have to drop me
off at your house
545
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:09,840
so this fat idiot
can babysit me!
546
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:11,709
I'm old and it sucks!
547
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,544
I'm sorry, Daddy.
548
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,713
I realize growing old is no fun,
549
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,815
but this is no way to act.
550
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,183
I know.
551
00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:21,219
I'm sorry I almost had you shot.
552
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:22,486
Oh, that's all right.
553
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:24,021
I got a fever
of a 108.
554
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:25,723
I'm not gonna
remember any of this.
555
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,159
And I'm sorry for what
I did to your village, Dave.
556
00:20:28,161 --> 00:20:29,393
His name is "Dave"?
557
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,829
Yeah. Get to know
these people, okay?
558
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,931
Listen, when I get home,
I'll transfer enough money
559
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:35,566
so you can rebuild your town.
560
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,268
You've all been very kind.
561
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:38,703
Yeah, this has been great, guys.
562
00:20:38,705 --> 00:20:40,404
Now all I need is a group photo
563
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:42,106
of me kneeling
in the front of the village,
564
00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:44,275
so I can brag about
what a good person I am.
565
00:20:58,358 --> 00:20:59,924
♪ He's a great spirit
with a lot to say ♪
566
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,792
♪ That's why they locked
Peter Griffin away ♪
567
00:21:01,794 --> 00:21:04,295
♪ There's a breeze
that's in the air ♪
568
00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:07,064
♪ Peter Griffin in my hair ♪
569
00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:09,300
♪ Peter Griffin up my nose ♪
570
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:11,769
♪ In my lungs
and down to my toes ♪
571
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:14,305
♪ Peter Griffin in my skin ♪
572
00:21:14,307 --> 00:21:16,707
♪ Everybody breathe him in ♪
573
00:21:16,709 --> 00:21:19,377
♪ Peter Griffin ♪
574
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:21,779
♪ Freedom for Peter Griffin ♪
575
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,248
♪ Peter Griffin ♪
576
00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:25,983
♪ Let my Peter go. ♪