1 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:03,836 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:07,139 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:10,709 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:13,712 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:17,216 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:20,519 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,054 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:23,622 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:28,193 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,301 ANNOUNCER: Hey, guys, do you like beer, 11 00:00:36,303 --> 00:00:37,836 but can't get drunk from beer? 12 00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:40,005 Then try new Vodka Beer. 13 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:41,640 The can says "beer," 14 00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:44,643 but inside is 12 ounces of carbonated vodka. 15 00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:47,579 And the best part is, your wife will never know. 16 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,248 Honey, I'm so proud of you, 17 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,150 cutting down to one beer a night. 18 00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,318 (slurring): Take off your underwear. 19 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,822 She don't know. 20 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:58,157 I got the mail. 21 00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:00,359 Hey, does an octopus live here? 22 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:01,894 Peter, that says "occupant." 23 00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:03,095 Oh, that's too bad. 24 00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:04,430 That would've been awesome. 25 00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,098 Oh, look, Peter. 26 00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,666 Here's something from your mother's estate. 27 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,035 Oh, looks like they finally sold her house. 28 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:13,005 And the last white domino in that neighborhood falls. 29 00:01:13,007 --> 00:01:14,173 Wow, they sold it? 30 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,441 So that means the house 31 00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:16,909 and everything inside of it is gone? 32 00:01:16,911 --> 00:01:18,510 Oh, sweetheart. 33 00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,846 You thinking about all the good times you had there? 34 00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,048 No, I'm thinking about my teenage porn stash. 35 00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,783 It's still hidden in the house. 36 00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:27,953 Oh, okay, but I know this is really about the memories. 37 00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,456 Lactating sluts on box springs. 38 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,724 The-The-The special times growing up... 39 00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:34,693 Bikini black chicks sneezing. 40 00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:37,029 Lois, stop making him reminisce about stuff. 41 00:01:37,031 --> 00:01:38,397 You don't understand, Lois. 42 00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:39,798 A boy's first collection of nudie books 43 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,700 and girlie movies is a sacred thing. 44 00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:43,368 It can't fall into a stranger's hands. 45 00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:44,803 This is very serious. 46 00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:46,538 I'm taking us to DEFCON 4. 47 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,873 (sign buzzes) 48 00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,908 What happens when it hits DEFCON 1? 49 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:52,144 We see a dog wearing a wig. 50 00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,146 Aw, heck, let's see that anyway. 51 00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:55,314 (Peter chuckles) 52 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:58,450 That's not even a lady dog. 53 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:04,323 Hey, Peter, what's wrong? You've been real quiet. 54 00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,457 I don't know, Quagmire. 55 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,092 I keep thinking of my old pornos. 56 00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,128 It's like I'm reminded of them everywhere I look. 57 00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:11,263 You've been looking at Cleveland a lot. 58 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:13,599 Plus, you know, when people find that box, 59 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,734 they won't know that, like, for some of them magazines, 60 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,669 I just had them as, like, a joke. 61 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,471 You know, not 'cause, like, I was really into it. 62 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,606 Just the opposite. 63 00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:21,940 For some of them magazines. 64 00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,142 Okay. 65 00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:24,843 I'm going to be arrested for sure. 66 00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:26,645 Peter, I know exactly where you're coming from. 67 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,813 You, Quagmire? 68 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,515 You enjoy pornography, too? 69 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,650 Yup, and I know that a man's porn collection 70 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,952 must be secured and protected at all costs, 71 00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:35,521 until he gets ashamed of it 72 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,256 and ditches it in an alley behind a Kroger's. 73 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:38,457 Hey, I know! 74 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:40,192 What if we break into my old house 75 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:42,261 and steal back my big box of pornos? 76 00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:43,929 What do you say? You guys with me? 77 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,197 You bet. Sure thing, Peter. 78 00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:46,532 I mean, come on, we're a team. 79 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,700 Like fish and chips and fat guys. 80 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:50,702 I want the double cheeseburger, 81 00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:53,372 but I'm gonna go healthy and get the fish and chips. 82 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,773 ANNOUNCER : Fish and chips! 83 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:58,210 (singing jauntily): 84 00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:01,046 (crickets chirping) 85 00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,681 Okay, you all remember the plan-- 86 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,950 we walk up wearing our Bill Cosby masks... 87 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,152 Peter, that's President Obama. 88 00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:09,721 Oh, did I just do a racism? 89 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:10,889 (knocking on window) 90 00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:12,891 Hello? Can I help you gentlemen? 91 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,293 Hi. 92 00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,994 You guys have been sitting in front of my house 93 00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:18,397 for the last five hours trying on Obama masks. 94 00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:20,065 Is there something I can do for you? 95 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,234 We, uh... we-we were just getting ready 96 00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:23,702 to break into your house. 97 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:24,703 Excuse me? 98 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,804 Oh, hey, cool shirt. 99 00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,573 What? Oh, thank you. 100 00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:29,074 Look, what's this all about? 101 00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:30,742 This guy used to live in your house 102 00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,477 and a box of his old porn is still hidden in there. 103 00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:34,012 We were gonna break in and take it. 104 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:35,681 And I was gonna stay with the rental van 105 00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:38,250 because it's my name what's on the contract. 106 00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:40,586 Oh. Well, you could've just knocked on the door and asked. 107 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,254 I don't want that stuff, I've got kids. 108 00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:43,388 Get it out of there! 109 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:44,923 Really? Awesome! 110 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:47,926 Oh, well that was easier than a game of Pai Gow poker. 111 00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:49,428 Pai gow. You lose again! 112 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:50,996 That was awesome! 113 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,764 I can't believe these tables are always empty. 114 00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,533 You play again? Nope, out of money. 115 00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:55,901 I'm just gonna wait for my drink. 116 00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,603 Who had the full glass of Goldschlager? 117 00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,204 Ah. Sorry, can't tip. 118 00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:01,607 I'm gonna take this up to my room. 119 00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:05,410 Uhp, on the wrong floor. 120 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,713 (vacuum whirring) 121 00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:10,449 Almost time for lunch. 122 00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:11,917 Ah... 123 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:12,918 How was everything? 124 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,186 Delicious. 125 00:04:14,188 --> 00:04:15,420 The prime rib was mostly fat. 126 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:16,855 Should I charge it to your room? 127 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,423 No, I had to check out, 128 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,058 even though my flight's not until midnight. 129 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:23,962 Now, how does one with no money get to the airport? 130 00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:27,232 (horn honking) 131 00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:31,103 (truck honking) 132 00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:34,473 (grunting) 133 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:37,142 Hey, buddy, you're blocking the outlet. 134 00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:39,378 Oh, sorry. There was no chairs. 135 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,617 Hi, Peter. How was Vegas? 136 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:48,020 Oh, it's the best. 137 00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:52,924 Sweet. 138 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:55,727 Now, which movie should I start with? 139 00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,929 "Back-Door Sluts 4." 140 00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,731 Eh, I haven't seen the first three, 141 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,233 I wouldn't know what's going on. 142 00:05:01,235 --> 00:05:03,168 Here we go. 143 00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:08,073 I want to watch all of these movies, nonstop. 144 00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:12,244 I don't want to watch any more of these movies, ever. 145 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,814 Hey, Brian, you want to go for a ride to behind the Kroger's? 146 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,115 What? 147 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:19,084 That's weird. What's that? 148 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:27,859 Hello, Future Peter. Hi. 149 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,295 By the time you watch this, you'll be a grown-up, 150 00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:32,030 so I'm sure you're allowed to eat ice cream 151 00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,866 and pizza for every meal. You know it. 152 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,835 Also, I bet you're a big important doctor 153 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:40,005 like that Doogie Howser kid who's getting so much ass. 154 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:41,173 Well, I was partly right. 155 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,474 I just hope to God 156 00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:43,975 you're not stuck in some loser job, 157 00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:45,711 like in a brewery, or a toy factory, 158 00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:47,946 or a fishing boat. Oh, boy. 159 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:50,048 But, you know, I don't have to worry about none of that. 160 00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,451 I'm sure you're a big, successful doctor. 161 00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:54,453 Anyway, here's some Conway Twitty. 162 00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:59,891 ♪ I know it's only make believe... ♪ 163 00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,226 This is annoying. 164 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:03,295 I don't want to sit through this. 165 00:06:03,297 --> 00:06:06,998 Man, I guess I ain't the big success I thought I'd be. 166 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,400 I know what you mean, Peter. 167 00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:10,068 When I was young, I thought that someday 168 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,003 I'd produce upworthy web content. 169 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,739 Am I doing it? Yes. 170 00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,307 But not everyone is so lucky. 171 00:06:15,309 --> 00:06:17,175 (sighs) Damn it, I suck. 172 00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,044 I've never done anything important. 173 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,414 Well, except for when I beat Larry Bird for a Big Mac. 174 00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:24,316 Off the floor, off the scoreboard, 175 00:06:24,318 --> 00:06:26,385 off the backboard, no rim. 176 00:06:27,321 --> 00:06:29,921 ♪ ♪ 177 00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,723 Right near the basket, underhanded, 178 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,592 effeminate gasp, over the backboard, 179 00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,327 out of bounds, waddle over to get it, 180 00:06:35,329 --> 00:06:37,062 slip on a towel, twist my ankle, 181 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,263 go to the emergency room, 182 00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:39,531 doctors tell me it's not that bad 183 00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:40,699 and I shouldn't have come there, 184 00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,267 I make them give me a cast anyway, 185 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:44,102 never play sports again. 186 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:48,006 Hey, I won the two-dollar sandwich. 187 00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:50,108 (crickets chirping) 188 00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:54,946 ♪ Highway to the danger zone... ♪ 189 00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,248 Look at me. 190 00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:58,383 I was beautiful. 191 00:06:58,385 --> 00:06:59,918 What are you watching? 192 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,953 It's just a teenage loser who didn't realize 193 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,422 he had no future in front of him. 194 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:05,023 Well, when you're done with this, 195 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,793 Stewie is trapped between his crib and the wall. 196 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:10,095 STEWIE: Help. Somebody help! 197 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,030 He's watching an old video. 198 00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:14,366 STEWIE: Okay, when he's done then. 199 00:07:14,368 --> 00:07:16,601 ♪ ...Danger zone ♪ 200 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:21,940 ♪ Gonna take you right into the danger zone... ♪ 201 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,875 Oh, my God! 202 00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:27,612 He's just rhyming "danger zone" with "danger zone." 203 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,548 Holy crap! 204 00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,716 Chris, I was just like you! 205 00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:33,118 What? 206 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,053 Listen to me, Chris. 207 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,321 I'm a failure in life, and that's all I'll ever be. 208 00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:37,722 But it's not too late for you. 209 00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:39,624 I won't let you go down my path. 210 00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,159 What are you saying, Dad? 211 00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,395 I'm saying, Chris, I am going to make sure 212 00:07:43,397 --> 00:07:45,630 that you grow up to be a success. 213 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:48,066 Yeah, I'm going to be a success! 214 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,135 Uh, would you excuse me for a moment? 215 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,574 Computer, what does "success" mean? 216 00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,676 Chris, let me know when you're done with the computer. 217 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,617 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 218 00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:06,985 No TV for you, Chris. 219 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,654 TV is how stupid losers spend their time. 220 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,323 Peter, what is this all about? 221 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,024 I'm trying to save our son, Lois. 222 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,526 I don't want him to end up like me-- 223 00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:16,528 dead-end job, crappy house, 224 00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:18,864 aging wife who's getting skinny where fat's supposed to be, 225 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:20,799 and fat where skinny's supposed to be. 226 00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:23,001 Ha! Meg, go to your room. 227 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,936 Look, Peter, I'm glad you're thinking 228 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,205 about Chris' future, but he's fine. 229 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:28,874 He's a perfectly normal kid. 230 00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,775 Are you crazy? Look at him. 231 00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:33,778 He's over there intentionally giving himself a nosebleed. 232 00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:38,250 Yay! My nose is finally a woman! 233 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:43,555 Okay, so maybe he's a little rough around the edges, but-- 234 00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:46,057 Oh, boy, a little got in my mouth there. 235 00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,459 Yeah, I'm gonna have to wash this shirt. 236 00:08:47,461 --> 00:08:48,693 Anyway, I'm going to help Chris 237 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,395 become a big, important success. 238 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:53,632 The same way Mumford turned his son into a success. 239 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,567 Okay, Dad, heading out to the concert. 240 00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:57,202 Now, hold on a minute, son. 241 00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,570 Where are your arm garters? 242 00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:00,405 Your string tie? Your woolen vest? 243 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,507 You look nothing like a dry goods clerk 244 00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:04,075 from the Garfield administration. 245 00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,143 But, Dad... 246 00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,645 No buts! You're a Mumford. 247 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:07,812 Now get upstairs, 248 00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:09,247 put on a jaunty travelling hat, 249 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:12,284 and write the same song 25 times. 250 00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,389 Okay, now, Chris, if you want to be a success, 251 00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:19,424 you gotta look worldly and sophisticated. 252 00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:21,726 And to do that, you got to dress like Lenny Kravitz, 253 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:24,763 with little something from every part of he world pinned on you. 254 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:27,265 Leather bracelets! Nipple ring! 255 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,067 Zippers where zippers shouldn't be! 256 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,902 Wilma Flintstone pearl necklaces! 257 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,004 A fur shrug with crocheted sleeves! 258 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,172 A hat on a hat! 259 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,707 A watch on your pinky toe! 260 00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,008 And nothing says, 261 00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:38,610 "Look at me, I've been places" 262 00:09:38,612 --> 00:09:41,179 like two lit road flares hanging from your sunglasses. 263 00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:42,948 Hey, you look like you've been places. 264 00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,082 Stop looking at me! 265 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:47,118 I do not want this attention! 266 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,087 Come on, Chris, let's get out of here. 267 00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:03,868 Uh, what are you doing? 268 00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,437 Well, I been trying to make Chris 269 00:10:05,439 --> 00:10:07,539 less of a fat dummy, and nothing seems to be working, 270 00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:09,975 so now we're high-stepping around in giant hats. 271 00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,409 Tip of the giant hat, sir. 272 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:12,978 And to you, sir! 273 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,146 Yes, sir, smart day to you, sir. 274 00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,448 And I thank you, sir. 275 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:17,482 (yelps) 276 00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:19,150 (cries) 277 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:22,153 I scraped my knee bad! 278 00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:23,955 Get up, Chris, you're embarrassing yourself. 279 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,457 You look stupid and fat. 280 00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:26,658 Peter, I have to ask-- 281 00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,159 are you pushing Chris so hard 282 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:29,728 because it's what's best for him? 283 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,896 Or are you trying to make up or your own disappointment 284 00:10:31,898 --> 00:10:33,331 about how your life turned out? 285 00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,233 Brian, these are the biggest hats I could find, 286 00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:37,469 so if your point is that there's even larger ones available, 287 00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:39,337 I would greet that with skepticism. 288 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:41,006 No, no, no, my point is that you need to let Chris 289 00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,507 find his own path. 290 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,842 (gasps) 291 00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,310 Oh, my God, you're right, Brian. 292 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,278 He needs to be pointed to a very specific path. 293 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,247 And then forced to go down it. 294 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,483 No, no, that's-that's the opposite of what I just said. 295 00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,151 Chris, your best chance for success 296 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,286 is to be cultured and worldly, like our dog. 297 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:57,022 So starting right now, 298 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,524 you gotta follow Brian around and do everything he does. 299 00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:01,126 What?! Come on, Brian. 300 00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:02,794 You gotta show Chris how to turn out better than me. 301 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,095 I mean, you went to Brown, 302 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,764 you're a published author, 303 00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:07,866 you can hear it first when Joe falls out of the tub. 304 00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,601 That's starting to happen more often. 305 00:11:09,603 --> 00:11:11,036 But I guess you're right. 306 00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,604 Maybe I am the guy to make a diamond 307 00:11:12,606 --> 00:11:14,005 out of this lump of coal. 308 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,607 But only if it's what Chris wants. 309 00:11:15,609 --> 00:11:16,608 I don't care. 310 00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:17,776 All right, I'll do it. 311 00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:19,377 Just follow my lead, Chris. 312 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:20,945 'Cause I think you could be something great. 313 00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:22,213 Who knows? Maybe you'll even become 314 00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:24,015 one of those mission control leaders 315 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,518 who gets all thoughtful while everybody's celebrating. 316 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:30,655 Apollo 13, this is Mission Control, do you copy? 317 00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:34,859 Apollo 13, this is Mission Control, do you copy? 318 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:37,529 Do you copy, Apollo 13? 319 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:38,963 (static hissing) 320 00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:41,332 Mission Control, this is Apollo 13. 321 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:44,235 We're all okay. Good to be home. 322 00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:46,137 (cheering) 323 00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:47,706 (sighs) 324 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,077 Sir, you did it! 325 00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:54,045 Sir, is everything okay? 326 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,881 Eh, I bought a Nook e-reader a couple of years ago 327 00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:59,584 and I'm still pissed about it. 328 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:05,657 ♪ ♪ 329 00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:16,668 ♪ ♪ 330 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,518 ♪ ♪ 331 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:50,001 ♪ ♪ 332 00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:05,216 Hey. Hey. 333 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:06,918 Chew that way. 334 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,254 Eh, dinner's no fun without Chris here. 335 00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:11,322 There's nobody here for me to wing my biscuit at. 336 00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:14,659 Well, Peter, he's been spending an awful lot of time with Bri-- 337 00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:16,995 Eh, it's not the same. 338 00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:20,131 Anyway, he and Brian have been spending a lot of time together. 339 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,133 Really? You're going to let that slide? 340 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,835 Guy throws a biscuit at you? 341 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,003 Good evening, all. 342 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,771 Apologies for being so tardy. 343 00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:28,072 Aw, Chris, you're not tardy. 344 00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,641 We tested you twice. 345 00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:32,644 There you guys are. We were wondering about you. 346 00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:34,512 Brian and I have been having a blast. 347 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,114 First we went to a symphony. 348 00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:37,849 Then we saw a small independent play 349 00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:39,684 with real smoking in it. 350 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,252 And then we hit the Quahog Book Festival 351 00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,921 and went to a Q and A 352 00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:45,256 to ask questions that weren't really questions. 353 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:48,293 Wow, look at my sophisticated young man. 354 00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,862 You're certainly taking to Brian's example. 355 00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:52,697 If anything, he's teaching me. 356 00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:54,699 I mean, not really, but you-you know. 357 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,167 Aw, see, I knew Brian 358 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,969 could put Chris on the path to success. 359 00:13:57,971 --> 00:13:59,370 Hey, Chris, let's celebrate. 360 00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:01,206 There's a new baby panda at the zoo. 361 00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,541 How about you and me go chuck tater tots at it? 362 00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:04,542 Chuck them at Lois. 363 00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:05,710 She'll just sit there and take it. 364 00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,045 (chuckling): Oh, Dad. 365 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,680 That would've been fine for the old me, 366 00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:10,715 but Brian and I have to be going. 367 00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:13,384 Oh. Okay. 368 00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:14,853 Yeah, we're off to see an old movie 369 00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:17,388 on temporary screen in a muddy, freezing park. 370 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,890 That sounds awful. 371 00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:20,225 (chuckling): It is awful. 372 00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,393 But at least parking will be impossible. 373 00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:24,796 Bye! 374 00:14:24,798 --> 00:14:29,701 Geez, I... feel like I just... lost my son. 375 00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,736 Aw, I got a skin tag in my crack 376 00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,805 and it stings when I don't wipe right. 377 00:14:33,807 --> 00:14:35,473 This has been a bad dinner. 378 00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:44,582 There you two are. 379 00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:45,650 Sit down and join us. 380 00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:46,818 I can't stay, Mom. 381 00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:47,986 Brian's showing me 382 00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,554 all of his favorite stuff to do. 383 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,222 Getting spooked when the furnace goes on? 384 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,424 We're participating in an autism walk. 385 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,226 Looks like you're doing it right now. 386 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,995 And we may be gone a while, 387 00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,763 'cause after that we're going down to the Civic Center. 388 00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:01,332 Michael Ian Black is cocking his eyebrows for four hours. 389 00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:04,235 Ha! He says the things we don't care to say. 390 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,670 Bye! 391 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,208 Man, I'm sick of how much time Chris is spending with Brian. 392 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:11,843 Probably smooching pickles, 393 00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:13,244 'cause they're a couple of pickle smoochers. 394 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,846 It's like he ain't even my son no more, 395 00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:16,681 doing all that fancy-pants stuff. 396 00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,449 Oh, Peter, I know you miss him, 397 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,251 but this is what you wanted, isn't it? 398 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,787 Well, yeah, but I didn't realize bettering himself 399 00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:24,622 meant blowing off his old man. 400 00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,291 You know what? The hell with this. 401 00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,626 I want my son back. Peter, relax. 402 00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:30,295 Chris is just going through a phase. 403 00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,130 He'll grow out of it. 404 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:35,934 Just like you grew out of your "Walk Like An Egyptian" phase. 405 00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:38,303 Paul was a good man. 406 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:40,271 A good friend. 407 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:45,476 I'll... I'll always remember how supportive he was when... 408 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,478 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 409 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,280 I can't-I can't- I can't do this. 410 00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,223 Check it out, Lois-- when Chris notices 411 00:15:59,225 --> 00:16:01,159 that "World's Greatest Son" mug I made, 412 00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,828 he'll be back on board with his old man in no time. 413 00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:05,630 Hey, Chris, what's on the mug? 414 00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:07,999 "World's Greatest Sun." 415 00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:10,301 This world only has one sun. 416 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:13,338 What kind of idiot made this mug? 417 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:18,576 ♪ When everything's made to be broken ♪ 418 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,011 (crying) 419 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:25,249 ♪ I just want you to know who I am. ♪ 420 00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:27,752 (Pharrell William's "Happy" begins) 421 00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:30,588 ♪ It might seems crazy what I'm about to say... ♪ 422 00:16:32,926 --> 00:16:35,760 I'm very easily influenced by music. 423 00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:40,598 All right, Chris, now I know you're all sophisticated now, 424 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,534 but no man can resist the siren call 425 00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:46,337 of mentally impaired supermodel Kate Upton. 426 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,872 Mm, sorry, Dad. 427 00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:50,341 I'm more of a Catherine Keener man now. 428 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:51,943 But, Chris, you got to take advantage. 429 00:16:51,945 --> 00:16:53,544 The clock's ticking on Kate Upton. 430 00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:54,979 She's almost at the end of her window. 431 00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:56,047 (timer dings) 432 00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,615 Yup, we missed it. 433 00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,183 Come on, get out of here. 434 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,686 (grunting) 435 00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,960 Sorry, Lois, I need the TV. 436 00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:10,528 I gotta win my son back. 437 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,063 What are you talking about, Peter? 438 00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:13,364 Well, you know how Brian's got Chris 439 00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,533 watching all them fancy foreign films now? 440 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,235 Well, I figure I can lure Chris in 441 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,971 with this French movie-- Le Rocqué Trois. 442 00:17:19,973 --> 00:17:24,342 (accordion plays Rocky theme with French lilt) 443 00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:25,977 ADRIENNE (French accent): Rocqué! 444 00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:27,178 ROCKY (French accent): Adrienne! 445 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:29,080 Rocqué! Adrienne! 446 00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:31,215 MAN (French accent): J'pité le fool. 447 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,484 ROCKY: Oh, Clubbert Lange! 448 00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:35,186 Peter, this is pointless. 449 00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:37,155 You wanted Chris to be a better person 450 00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:38,656 with a bright future, 451 00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:41,559 and thanks to Brian, that's what he has now. 452 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,095 Yeah, but, I don't even recognize Chris these days. 453 00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,097 And I never get to spend time with him. 454 00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:48,433 It's like Chris ain't my friend no more. 455 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,942 Thanks for coming to the book club meeting, everyone. 456 00:17:57,944 --> 00:18:00,511 Well, I gotta say, I loved this week's book-- 457 00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:02,613 Annie Proulx's The Shipping News. 458 00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,215 Yes, yes! Yes. 459 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:06,451 Very Portnoy's Complaint. 460 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:09,387 Uh, I don't... What, uh, what do you mean by that? 461 00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,522 Oh, you know, just with... the-the port, 462 00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:13,191 and the shipping. 463 00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:15,293 And of course, in Portnoy's Complaint 464 00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:17,462 you've got the guy who's living near the water... 465 00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:19,430 That doesn't sound right. 466 00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:22,200 ...and he hated the noise from the local port, 467 00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:23,901 so he filed one of the very first 468 00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:26,771 port noise complaints in maritime law. 469 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,539 And for those of us who read the complaints, 470 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:30,641 trust me, they were very warranted. 471 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,743 Brian, could I talk to you over here? 472 00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,545 Oh, let's dog-ear this for a sec. 473 00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:35,813 (chuckles) 474 00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:38,116 This one gets it. 475 00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,151 Brian, what the hell are you talking about? 476 00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:42,153 You clearly haven't read either of those books. 477 00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:44,655 Whoa, Chris, now you're starting to sound like Mark Twain, 478 00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,657 whose real name was Samuel Clemens. 479 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,426 Oh, that is so your go-to! 480 00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,094 I can't believe you. 481 00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:52,797 I thought you were this worldly, sophisticated guy, 482 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,900 but you're just a fraud-- like Moses. 483 00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,935 And the Lord's Eleventh Commandment-- 484 00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:00,905 "Moses gets to be first in line at the buffet." 485 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,840 What?! Oh, seriously? 486 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:04,675 I know, you guys, it's so lame, 487 00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:06,677 but that's what it says. 488 00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:18,856 Why are you doing that? 489 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:21,192 Why are you hucking tater tots at a baby panda? 490 00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:22,693 'Cause I'm oddly attracted to him 491 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:24,095 and it frightens me. 492 00:19:24,097 --> 00:19:26,197 See, this is why you're so great, Dad. 493 00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:28,466 You don't pretend to be someone you're not. 494 00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:31,869 You do what you want, and you don't care what anyone thinks. 495 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:33,804 Well, I-I care what you think. 496 00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:37,375 Look, Chris, you're my kid, and I want what's best for you, 497 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,677 but I guess I just don't want you 498 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,679 to become too good for your old man. 499 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:42,813 Don't worry, Dad. 500 00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:44,315 I could never be too good for you 501 00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:45,783 because you're the best. 502 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,352 And I want to be just like you when I grow up. 503 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:51,722 Really? Aw, thanks, Chris. 504 00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,057 Tater tot? 505 00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,395 It's fun, right? Yeah! 506 00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:59,964 And the mama panda doesn't do anything about it, 507 00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:02,900 because she was blinded to make her more submissive. 508 00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:04,135 Ha-ha! You're right. 509 00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:06,037 You know, Chris, all this started 510 00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:08,706 'cause I was feeling bad about being a failure. 511 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,975 But you know what? I got you for a son. 512 00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:13,711 So maybe I did something right. 513 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,746 I love you, Dad. 514 00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:20,985 Come on, Chris. 515 00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:23,854 Let's go get an $18 Coke at the terrible zoo restaurant. 516 00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:27,658 Yay! Sticky tables covered in bees! 517 00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:33,764 Coming up, we'll tell you where to look 518 00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,033 when talking to a coworker in the bathroom. 519 00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:37,902 The answer might surprise you. 520 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,037 Well, I think we all learned something today. 521 00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:42,006 In other news, TVs still make noise, 522 00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:43,608 even when people resume their conversations. 523 00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,443 Yes, studies have determined... That's right, Peter. 524 00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,845 And it's the most important lesson. (Tom continues) 525 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:49,547 Everyone should be who they are. 526 00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:51,616 Success is being true to yourself. 527 00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:53,517 Amen, Mom. (Tom continues) 528 00:20:53,519 --> 00:20:56,120 But to have the love of your family, that's true success. 529 00:20:56,122 --> 00:20:57,588 Let's go ahead and turn off the TV. 530 00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:58,856 TOM: There we go.