1 00:01:06,484 --> 00:01:07,818 Take it, brother. 2 00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:09,403 [BEAT-BOXING] 3 00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:57,827 Let me break you. 4 00:01:58,035 --> 00:01:59,662 [GIBBERING] 5 00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:03,916 Man, that was funky. Heh. 6 00:02:58,137 --> 00:02:59,180 JONES: Hmm? 7 00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:00,431 [TIRES SCREECH] 8 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,558 MAHONEY: Whoa! Ah. 9 00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:08,981 - Fore! - Well, heh, I guess the meeting's started. 10 00:03:10,608 --> 00:03:14,320 - Howdy, sir? - Mahoney, heh! Jones, heh! 11 00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:16,697 Thank you, Sweetchuck. 12 00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:20,868 I've had the most wonderful news about my new program, heh. 13 00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:24,955 [ALL GASP] 14 00:03:25,164 --> 00:03:26,290 [THUD$] 15 00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:29,919 - What new program is that, sir? - My citizens on patrol. 16 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:31,754 I call it C.O.P. for short. 17 00:03:31,921 --> 00:03:34,089 Has a nice "police-y" ring to it, don't you think? 18 00:03:34,298 --> 00:03:35,466 What is C.O.P., sir'? 19 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:37,593 [ALL GASPS] 20 00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:38,844 [THUD$] 21 00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:41,388 What is the most frustrating thing about police work? 22 00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:45,184 - Not being able to carry hand grenades. - Separate locker rooms, sir. 23 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,061 Icky blue uniforms. 24 00:03:47,311 --> 00:03:50,105 I always thought that the most frustrating thing was that... 25 00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:53,150 ...we couldn't be everywhere at once to solve every crime. 26 00:03:53,359 --> 00:03:56,403 So the public ends up thinking of us as enemies. 27 00:03:56,904 --> 00:04:00,199 Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all be friends? 28 00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:03,786 Ah, officer Mahoney, please come in. 29 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:07,039 Have some lemonade. I love lemonade. 30 00:04:07,498 --> 00:04:11,835 - Not too tart, not-- - Too sweet, just, mm, mm, good. 31 00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:13,921 [JONES IMITATES GULPING] 32 00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:15,422 [BURPS] 33 00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:19,593 So C.O.P. is a community action program, sir. 34 00:04:19,802 --> 00:04:24,098 - Like Neighborhood Watch? - More. Much more! 35 00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,809 We show the community that we care. 36 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:31,647 We train volunteers in crime detection, in first-aid and... 37 00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:35,734 - And it's a great idea, sir. - But we need citizen support. 38 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:39,029 With all this neighborhood crime, I'm sure you'll get it. 39 00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:41,115 LASSARD: Fore! - Right. What if we were to... 40 00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:42,825 [GRUNTS] 41 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,202 - What was that? - Unh... 42 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,454 I believe brother Sweetchuck is suggesting... 43 00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:49,623 ...we recruit in our old neighborhood. 44 00:04:49,832 --> 00:04:52,835 Excellent. We have the full support of the mayor... 45 00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:57,089 ...and best of all, the governor of the state wants me to unveil the program... 46 00:04:57,298 --> 00:05:00,718 ...at the end of the International Police Seminar... 47 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:02,428 ...next month in England. 48 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:05,055 While I attend the seminar... 49 00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:08,183 ...you, my good friends... 50 00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:10,436 ...will put C.O.P. into action. 51 00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:14,273 We'll change community relations all around the world. 52 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,943 The Lassard Method. 53 00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:21,488 It rolls nicely off the tongue, don't you think? 54 00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:23,991 Hi! What did I miss? 55 00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:28,829 [ZED GIBBERS] 56 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,124 Hi. 57 00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:38,881 [SINGING "SHORTNIN' BREAD"] 58 00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:41,675 Mama's little baby loves shortnin' bread 59 00:05:41,884 --> 00:05:43,135 [BLOWS AIR] 60 00:05:43,719 --> 00:05:44,887 [DOOR OPENS] 61 00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:47,765 Uh, Capt. Harris, Police Commissioner Hurst is here. 62 00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,099 You want to see him? 63 00:05:49,308 --> 00:05:50,976 No. Send him packing. 64 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,437 Yes, sir. 65 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:56,065 - Proctor! - Yes, sir? 66 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,776 Send the Commissioner in immediately. 67 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:02,154 - I thought you said to send him packing. - Immediately! 68 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:03,572 Yes, sir. 69 00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:06,408 Nincompoop. 70 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,661 HARRIS: Commissioner. 71 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:14,083 - You have a problem, Capt. Harris? - Uh, yes, sir. 72 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:18,921 Commissioner, I am extremely concerned with this memorandum from Lassard... 73 00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:21,882 ...about his C.O.P. program. 74 00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:26,512 Citizens doing police work? An asinine idea. 75 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:31,600 If this goes through, no policeman's job, no policeman's paycheck, will be safe. 76 00:06:31,809 --> 00:06:33,227 Are you through, captain? 77 00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:38,065 The governor of this state thinks that this program is absolutely brilliant. 78 00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:42,986 So until he changes his mind, that's what you and I think too. 79 00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,571 Agreed? 80 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:47,491 - Yes, sir. - Good. 81 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:56,250 You were right. You should have sent him packing. 82 00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:59,586 I don't give a damn what the governor or the mayor thinks. 83 00:06:59,795 --> 00:07:03,090 Lassard's program is a mistake... 84 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,885 ...and anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong. 85 00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:10,180 Pure and simple. 86 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,891 Don't touch those! 87 00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:16,395 Don't you ever touch my balls without asking! 88 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:32,661 [WOMAN GASPS] 89 00:07:32,828 --> 00:07:36,498 You're gonna have to leave. I'll call the police. I mean it. 90 00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:39,918 Okay, I'm going. I'm out of here. 91 00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:43,589 Wait a minute. I am the police. 92 00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:48,802 - No, you're not. - That's me. I'm here to speak about C.O.P. 93 00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:54,475 I'm sorry. I didn't... Without the uniform on-- 94 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:58,145 Regular human clothes make people more comfortable. 95 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:04,109 Hi, ladies. Let's do some poetry! 96 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:10,407 [HORN BLOWING] 97 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,369 I got to go to my in-laws' for dinner tonight. 98 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:17,664 You want to come? 99 00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:22,794 Officer Hightower, I'm here to join the new C.O.P. Program. 100 00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,254 Do I know you? 101 00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:26,548 Yeah, you used to bounce me on your knee. 102 00:08:26,757 --> 00:08:29,009 - I did? - Yeah. Little Tommy Conklin. 103 00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:33,305 - But now they call me House. - Tommy Conklin. Tommy Conklin. 104 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:38,268 Sure. Welcome aboard. You can register right over there. 105 00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:55,786 Blind mouth that scare themselves 106 00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:59,540 Know how to hold a sheep hook 107 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:03,418 Or have learned aught else at least 108 00:09:03,919 --> 00:09:08,674 That to the faithful herdsmans' art belongs 109 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:14,179 [APPLAUDING] 110 00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,181 [LAUGHS] 111 00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:20,894 Whoa! Ah, that was exciting. 112 00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:22,312 [BLOWING NOSE] 113 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:25,274 We have an, uh, Officer Zed, who's here to tell us... 114 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,735 ...a little bit about my new police program. So won't you... 115 00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:30,737 [APPLAUDING] 116 00:09:33,282 --> 00:09:35,033 Thank you very much. 117 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:40,581 Oof. I'm sorry. I'm an emotional, sensitive guy... 118 00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:46,044 ...and that part about the sheep hook just tore my heart right out. Um... 119 00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,923 I have my own poem that I prepared for you today. 120 00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,884 Gene, Gene made a machine 121 00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,637 And Joe, Joe made it go 122 00:09:55,846 --> 00:10:01,310 I blew a fart and blew the whole damn thing apart 123 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,438 What is he saying? 124 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,523 [WOMAN CHUCKLES] 125 00:10:06,732 --> 00:10:08,400 I didn't write it. 126 00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:12,446 Ahem, okay, I'd like to talk to you about what we're here for... 127 00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:15,657 ...and that's for me to pitch the new C.O.P. program to you. 128 00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:18,410 Perhaps a few of you ladies might be interested in it. 129 00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:23,540 MAN: So the bartender asked the organ grinder, 130 00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:25,626 "Hey, does your monkey sing any opera?" 131 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:27,753 And I said, "Nope. 132 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,589 But if you hit me on the head, I'll sing Yankee Doodle." 133 00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,091 [ALL LAUGHING] 134 00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:37,721 [MRS. KIRKLAND HUMMING] 135 00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:41,099 Ooh, it's so nice to have my family all back together again. 136 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:42,351 [MR. KIRKLAND GRUNTS] 137 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:44,728 [SQUEALS] 138 00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:48,523 - Can you pass the lettuce, Pop? - Oh, sure, honey. Here you go. 139 00:10:48,732 --> 00:10:50,859 KATHLEEN: Thanks, Pop. - You're welcome. Hey, listen... 140 00:10:51,026 --> 00:10:53,862 ...did I tell you I'm gonna join that Citizen On Patrol thing? 141 00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:57,532 That would be a great idea. I'd be proud to have you at the precinct. 142 00:10:57,741 --> 00:10:59,868 MR. KIRKLAND: Ah. - I'll take some more greens, Bud. 143 00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:01,370 - Dad. - Yeah? 144 00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:05,457 I don't think you should sign up. There are already three of us on the force. 145 00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:08,919 -It's going to look like favoritism. - That's not it. 146 00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:13,715 That's not it at all. You just don't think I'm fast enough anymore, do you? 147 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,343 [LAUGHING] 148 00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:20,055 - I don't think that's it, do you, Tack? - Ahem, mm. 149 00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:22,599 It has nothing to do with being fast. 150 00:11:22,808 --> 00:11:25,352 MR. KIRKLAND: Ah. - Now, that was fast, huh? 151 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,438 Ahem. You know, that was fast. 152 00:11:28,939 --> 00:11:29,981 [BUD GRUNTS] 153 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,566 But that's hard. 154 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:32,943 [LAUGHS] 155 00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,488 KATHLEEN: Ooh, oh, oh. - Excuse me. Ha-ha. 156 00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:37,948 [BUD AND MR. KIRKLAND GRUNTING] 157 00:11:38,156 --> 00:11:40,492 I think Bud hurt Pop's feelings. 158 00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,461 Oh, you two. 159 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,589 BUD: Ow, ow, ow. 160 00:11:55,966 --> 00:11:57,050 [LAUGHS] 161 00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:59,886 Oh, well, who wants pie'? 162 00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:03,724 Mm. 163 00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:07,561 - I was just trying to help. - You hurt my arm. 164 00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:10,105 - I'll hand the rest out. Hi. - Hi. 165 00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:13,442 Could I interest you in the new citizens program? 166 00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,569 - Ah, heh, no, I don't think so. - No, thanks. 167 00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:17,904 - We'll take the stairs. - Thanks, just the same. 168 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,866 Excuse me! 169 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:24,703 Would you be interested in the new citizens program? 170 00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:29,374 - Ah, yes, in fact, we didn't hear you right. - Sure, here. 171 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:33,795 - Why don't you hand the rest of them out? - Thank you very much. Goodbye, sir. 172 00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:43,013 - Arnie, where are you going? - Home. I got a boatload of stuff to do. 173 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:46,141 I got a term paper due tomorrow, and a history test. 174 00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:50,562 I got to help my father clean the cellar, and I have to do the dishes tonight. 175 00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:51,813 - Tsk. - What are you doing? 176 00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:55,150 - I'll get the guys and hang out at the mall. - Let's go. 177 00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:59,154 SERGEANT: Hey, Artie, Kyle. 178 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:03,658 I thought I told you guys, no skateboarding in my district. 179 00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:07,788 This isn't skateboarding, sergeant. This is carrying skateboards. 180 00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:13,418 This is skateboarding. 181 00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:34,082 [LAUGHING AND CHEERING] 182 00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:38,670 - We got to check this out, you guys. - Take it easy. 183 00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:40,213 We'll see you later. 184 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,133 [PEOPLE CHATTERING] 185 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:46,261 [PEOPLE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING] 186 00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:50,932 I'll see you later. I want to check out these guys. 187 00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:52,684 All right, I'll be back. 188 00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:14,998 Hey, sarge, look at that. 189 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:18,710 - Hm, Kyle, that skateboard punk. - Let's nail him. 190 00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:21,254 Boy, you sure give them a hard time. 191 00:15:21,463 --> 00:15:23,840 Yeah. Fun, isn't it? 192 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,759 [CHUCKLES] 193 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,515 You don't listen, do you, Kyle? 194 00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:35,143 I was shopping for Capt. Harris' birthday present. 195 00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:36,811 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 196 00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:38,438 Shop somewhere else. 197 00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:39,898 [KYLE GRUNTS] 198 00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:42,692 Oh, Your Honor, uh... 199 00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:47,197 Here, judge. Stop him! Hold up! 200 00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:50,241 KYLE: Excuse me, pardon me. Excuse me, my fault. 201 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:55,205 - Watch it! OFFICER: Stop! Stop that skateboarder! Hold it! 202 00:15:57,082 --> 00:15:59,584 I can do that, that handstand stuff. 203 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,879 I just hate it when the change falls out of my pocket. 204 00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:04,422 [PEOPLE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 205 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,091 [PEOPLE CHATTERING] 206 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,760 Hey, man, I think these guys want to talk to you. 207 00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:13,348 Hold it! 208 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,851 Capt. Harris will hear about this! 209 00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:21,982 [SIGHS] 210 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:40,875 [KNOCKS ON DOOR] 211 00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,168 Come. 212 00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:46,172 - Sir. - Copeland, what the hell happened to you? 213 00:16:46,381 --> 00:16:48,800 Some skateboard punks started a riot at the mall. 214 00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:50,427 Bring them in here. 215 00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:53,013 - They got away. - They got away? 216 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:57,308 - I did the best I could, sir. - It wasn't enough, was it, Copeland? 217 00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:01,396 - No, sir. - I'll handle these punks personally. 218 00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:03,356 - Yes, sir. - I want three patrol cars... 219 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,650 ...dissecting the neighborhood. Copeland, my hat! 220 00:17:05,817 --> 00:17:08,111 - Yes, sir. - You, radio-alert all motorcycle units. 221 00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:10,989 I want a chopper in the air. Spot these boys on the ground. 222 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:12,157 Proctor, ride with me. 223 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:16,661 - Now, Proctor, move it! - Ah, coming, sir. 224 00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:22,333 Be right there! 225 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,340 [POLICE SIREN WAILING] 226 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,301 HARRIS: There they go! 227 00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,511 Back it up. Shh. Quiet! 228 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,138 [TIRES SCREECH] 229 00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:38,308 I said quiet, dickhead. 230 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,561 We've got them now. 231 00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:55,658 I know they came in here. 232 00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,961 [TIRES SCREECH] 233 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:13,343 OFFICER: Unit 6 to Capt. Harris. We've got them at the end of the alley. 234 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,011 L got you now! 235 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:17,972 HARRIS [OVER RADIO]: You hold them right there. We're coming. 236 00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:23,144 Copeland, have you got them? 237 00:18:23,353 --> 00:18:25,188 MAHONEY: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 238 00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,398 I'm Carey Mahoney of the Police Academy. 239 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:28,942 [JONES IMMITATING CROWD CHEERING] 240 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:32,612 Thank you. Thank you very much. Please. Thank you. You're too kind. 241 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:37,700 Jones. 242 00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:42,831 It's Harris. Haul ass. Go. 243 00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:44,415 [POLICE SIREN WAILING] 244 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,502 [TIRES SCREECH] 245 00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,754 I got you, you little punks. 246 00:18:50,672 --> 00:18:51,756 [KYLE LAUGHS] 247 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:55,969 Freeze, you little hoodlums. Get your hands off my ass, Proctor. 248 00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:58,930 Get away, Proctor. 249 00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:06,271 [CLOTH RIPPING] 250 00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:12,193 Proctor. 251 00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:15,738 No. Don't shake the fence. 252 00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:17,740 [HARRIS GRUNTING] 253 00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:25,165 Oh, shit. No! 254 00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:30,712 The purpose of this program... 255 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,883 is to develop a better working relationship between us, the police... 256 00:19:35,550 --> 00:19:38,928 When he says, "Okay, boys and girls," we're all gonna... 257 00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:42,765 ...and you, the community. 258 00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:46,269 [HARRIS BLOWS WHISTLE] 259 00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:50,148 Stop! Stop right there! 260 00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:55,403 You see, the great thing is, this is a first. 261 00:19:55,612 --> 00:20:00,158 The Police Academy has offered to train you citizens to better protect yourselves. 262 00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:03,411 - You'll be trendsetters. - Do we get to pack heat? 263 00:20:03,620 --> 00:20:05,163 Uh, heat-- 264 00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,957 [KYLE AND ARNIE YELLING] 265 00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:09,834 [ARNIE GRUNTS] 266 00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:13,504 Stop those little punks! Stop them! 267 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,381 [YELLING] 268 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,508 You're under arrest! 269 00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,971 [PEOPLE CLAMORING] 270 00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,348 MAN: Are you all right? 271 00:20:24,182 --> 00:20:26,226 Who's laughing now, you little twits? 272 00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,477 [LAUGHS] 273 00:20:27,685 --> 00:20:30,021 And your clothes make me want to puke. I'll tell you that right now. 274 00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:34,150 MAHONEY: Capt. Harris! - Well, well, Mahoney. 275 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:37,237 -It's been a long time, sir. - Hm. So it has. 276 00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:39,364 Well, Motormouth Jones. 277 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,782 [JONES IMITATES ENGINE REVING] 278 00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:43,034 Anyone ever tell you you've got a great tailor, sir? 279 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:45,286 I mentioned that just last week. 280 00:20:45,495 --> 00:20:50,124 Has anyone told you, Mahoney, that you're still a little pissant? 281 00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:53,628 - No one whose opinion matters, sir. - What did Arnie and Kyle do? 282 00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:57,715 Ooh, you know those clowns? Heh, I should have figured. 283 00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:02,595 Your little pals wrecked a police car, destroyed a shopping mall... 284 00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:05,139 ...harassed citizens, resisted arrest. 285 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,392 Go easy, captain. They're just wacky kids. 286 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,937 Heh, we'll see how those wacky kids like it in jail. 287 00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:17,860 JUDGE: In all my years on the bench, I have seen all sorts of public disorder. 288 00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:20,280 Young people must learn to conform... 289 00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:23,491 ...to the standards and laws of civilized society. 290 00:21:23,908 --> 00:21:27,161 In reviewing the testimony and taking into account... 291 00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:30,748 ...your disregard for public and private property... 292 00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:34,460 ...I can reach only one decision: 293 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,463 Guilty as hell. 294 00:21:38,506 --> 00:21:39,799 [PEOPLE CLAMORING] 295 00:21:40,508 --> 00:21:42,302 You flushed me down the toilet! 296 00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:43,553 [GAVEL BANGS] 297 00:21:43,761 --> 00:21:45,013 Before you pass sentence-- 298 00:21:45,221 --> 00:21:48,349 They're gonna send me to jail, and some fat, hairy guy is gonna-- 299 00:21:48,558 --> 00:21:51,477 - May I approach the bench, Your Honor? - Yes, sergeant. 300 00:21:51,686 --> 00:21:56,566 Ah, sir, do we want to expose these boys, these children to a prison environment? 301 00:21:56,774 --> 00:22:00,194 - Yes. - May I run my own court, captain? 302 00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:02,572 - You've got a better idea? - Yes, I do, sir. 303 00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:05,908 Comdt. Lassard has initiated a new community relations program. 304 00:22:06,117 --> 00:22:08,161 Why not assign these kids... 305 00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:10,747 ...to that program as a form of alternate sentencing? 306 00:22:10,955 --> 00:22:13,791 - That's ridiculous! - I'll be the judge of that. 307 00:22:14,459 --> 00:22:16,586 L... Excuse me. 308 00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:20,256 I like the sound of this community relations gig. 309 00:22:20,882 --> 00:22:24,052 Milt Butterworth, defender of the common man. 310 00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:27,764 Your Honor, look at this list of complaints. 311 00:22:27,972 --> 00:22:30,683 And I quote you directly, sir, when I say-- 312 00:22:31,059 --> 00:22:32,393 [JONES IMITATES FART] 313 00:22:33,269 --> 00:22:34,312 [MAN CHUCKLES] 314 00:22:43,154 --> 00:22:46,949 Gee, sir, I thought you only got contempt of court for opening your mouth. 315 00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:51,954 Mahoney, I'm warning you. 316 00:22:52,163 --> 00:22:55,333 You keep Lassard's C.O.Ps out of my precinct. 317 00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:57,460 You don't understand what I'm trying to do. 318 00:22:57,627 --> 00:22:59,754 I understand exactly what you're trying to do. 319 00:22:59,921 --> 00:23:03,299 Just keep them out, especially these two little buttwads. 320 00:23:03,508 --> 00:23:06,010 Excuse me, sir, but you're not planning to attack us... 321 00:23:06,219 --> 00:23:08,888 ...with any more of your bodily functions, are you? 322 00:23:09,931 --> 00:23:11,224 [CHUCKLES] 323 00:23:11,432 --> 00:23:15,770 You just make sure that we never meet again. Ever. 324 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:21,025 You know, with those two idiots in Lassard's program, it'll never work. 325 00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:39,043 [PLAYING "OLD FOLKS AT HOME"] 326 00:23:48,386 --> 00:23:49,804 Excuse me, sir. 327 00:23:50,012 --> 00:23:52,181 We're looking for a Mrs. Feldman. 328 00:23:52,390 --> 00:23:54,225 - Do you know her? - Yes. 329 00:23:55,143 --> 00:23:56,602 [PLAYS "ALOUETTE"] 330 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,194 Excuse me, ma'am. Do you know a Mrs. Lois-- 331 00:24:05,403 --> 00:24:08,281 - Where can we find Lois Feldman, please? - There. 332 00:24:09,198 --> 00:24:10,408 Thank you. 333 00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:18,291 Mrs. Feldman? 334 00:24:18,499 --> 00:24:20,293 LOIS: Who's asking? - Police. 335 00:24:21,043 --> 00:24:23,421 LOIS: Is it about those damn library books? 336 00:24:24,589 --> 00:24:28,843 We're following up on your alleged interest in the Citizens On Patrol program. 337 00:24:29,051 --> 00:24:32,221 Ooh, then I'm Mrs. Feldman. Come on in. 338 00:24:34,891 --> 00:24:37,935 Callahan, cover your rear. 339 00:24:48,571 --> 00:24:50,698 I admire your taste. 340 00:24:50,907 --> 00:24:54,952 Yes, well, I do all my own decorating. 341 00:24:56,245 --> 00:24:58,080 You have a talent for it, ma'am. 342 00:24:58,289 --> 00:25:00,458 I'll be with you in a moment, sarge. 343 00:25:00,833 --> 00:25:03,961 Uh, perhaps you'd like to discuss the program first, ma'am. 344 00:25:04,170 --> 00:25:05,588 What's to discuss? 345 00:25:05,796 --> 00:25:09,258 Think I want to hang out here and listen to arteries hardening, heh? 346 00:25:09,634 --> 00:25:11,886 Where did I put that bulletproof vest? 347 00:25:14,805 --> 00:25:16,641 [MAN BLOWS WHISTLE] 348 00:25:19,644 --> 00:25:21,938 [OFFICER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 349 00:25:25,983 --> 00:25:29,320 All right, fall in! Come on, please, line up. 350 00:25:29,529 --> 00:25:31,405 Come on, I need a lineup here. 351 00:25:32,073 --> 00:25:34,200 Hello, ma'am. Ladies and gentlemen-- 352 00:25:34,784 --> 00:25:35,952 [WHISTLES] 353 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,999 - Thank you, Miss... - Mrs. Feldman. 354 00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:44,293 Mrs. Feldman. 355 00:25:45,836 --> 00:25:47,171 [CHATTERING] 356 00:26:03,271 --> 00:26:06,148 I want to welcome all of you to the Academy. 357 00:26:06,357 --> 00:26:11,028 You are part of a new and exciting program that I call... 358 00:26:11,487 --> 00:26:14,365 -...I call C.O.P. - C.O.P. 359 00:26:16,033 --> 00:26:19,078 - Citizens On Patrol. - Citizens On Patrol. 360 00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:22,206 - Citizens On Patrol! - Citizens On Patrol! 361 00:26:23,583 --> 00:26:26,252 You will work and train with the police. 362 00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:28,754 The police will work and train with you. 363 00:26:29,171 --> 00:26:32,842 Working and training, training and working. 364 00:26:33,050 --> 00:26:34,552 Excuse me, commandant. 365 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:38,097 But do you expect the community to do the job of the police force? 366 00:26:38,306 --> 00:26:42,476 There are many, many jobs for many, many people. 367 00:26:43,060 --> 00:26:45,187 Sir, I'll take care of this. 368 00:26:45,771 --> 00:26:48,316 Excuse me, young lady, what the commandant means... 369 00:26:48,524 --> 00:26:50,943 ...is that this program will promote understanding... 370 00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:53,112 ...between the community and the police... 371 00:26:53,279 --> 00:26:56,657 ...and make the community more active in crime prevention. 372 00:26:57,241 --> 00:26:59,160 WOMAN: Active in crime prevention? 373 00:26:59,368 --> 00:27:00,411 [COOING] 374 00:27:00,620 --> 00:27:04,123 - Won't that be dangerous? LASSARD: No. We just want to teach citizens... 375 00:27:04,332 --> 00:27:06,459 ...to prevent crimes from taking place. 376 00:27:06,667 --> 00:27:10,921 WOMAN: It sounds fine in theory. Let's hope it works in practice. 377 00:27:14,425 --> 00:27:16,636 I like him. He's a really nice fish. 378 00:27:16,844 --> 00:27:17,887 [LASSARD CHUCKLES] 379 00:27:18,095 --> 00:27:19,513 He looks a little like you. 380 00:27:22,433 --> 00:27:25,853 I will attend an international police seminar in London. 381 00:27:26,062 --> 00:27:29,607 It would be the crowning achievement of my career... 382 00:27:30,107 --> 00:27:31,942 ...if I could close this seminar... 383 00:27:32,151 --> 00:27:35,237 ...by bringing instructors from all around the world... 384 00:27:35,446 --> 00:27:39,784 ...here to watch the C.O.P. program in action. 385 00:27:40,743 --> 00:27:45,164 I'm counting on all of you to make that possible. 386 00:27:45,373 --> 00:27:47,625 In Comdt. Lassard's absence... 387 00:27:47,833 --> 00:27:51,295 ...I've appointed a very able-bodied and experienced officer... 388 00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:52,838 ...to run the Academy. 389 00:27:54,131 --> 00:27:56,384 Ah. Perfect timing. Here he is now. 390 00:27:56,592 --> 00:27:58,552 [TIRES SCREECH] 391 00:27:58,761 --> 00:28:00,304 MAN: Attention! 392 00:28:07,812 --> 00:28:09,480 [PEOPLE LAUGHING] 393 00:28:12,525 --> 00:28:15,152 Two weeks of Harris? Damn! 394 00:28:21,158 --> 00:28:22,284 Damn. 395 00:28:23,411 --> 00:28:25,079 - Uh, uh... - Deodorant? Thanks. 396 00:28:27,665 --> 00:28:29,875 [SCREAMS] 397 00:28:32,378 --> 00:28:33,671 Straighten this mess up. 398 00:28:33,879 --> 00:28:35,423 - What mess? - Now! 399 00:28:36,090 --> 00:28:39,093 I want all of you dirtbags and that group of C.O.P. people... 400 00:28:39,301 --> 00:28:42,054 ...out in front of this dormitory at 1400 hours. 401 00:28:42,555 --> 00:28:44,265 Move it! 402 00:28:44,473 --> 00:28:47,685 Sir, we were just commenting on how you'd mellowed. 403 00:28:50,187 --> 00:28:53,107 - Captain? - What is it, Mahoney? 404 00:28:53,274 --> 00:28:55,651 I hope you're gonna give this program a fair chance. 405 00:28:55,860 --> 00:29:00,156 This program, Mahoney, is just like you: a bad idea. 406 00:29:00,364 --> 00:29:01,949 That's your opinion, sir. 407 00:29:02,158 --> 00:29:05,202 But this is Comdt. Lassard's idea, and his Academy. 408 00:29:05,745 --> 00:29:07,329 Ooh. 409 00:29:07,538 --> 00:29:09,665 Things can change, Mahoney. 410 00:29:10,374 --> 00:29:13,043 Oh, yes, things can change. 411 00:29:13,377 --> 00:29:15,337 I'll see you out front. 412 00:29:15,671 --> 00:29:17,214 [LAUGHING] 413 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,010 [SHOWER RUNNING] 414 00:29:23,095 --> 00:29:25,264 [HARRIS SCREAMS] 415 00:29:31,729 --> 00:29:33,731 I bet that was refreshing, sir. 416 00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:38,152 Over the next two weeks... 417 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:41,697 ...you'll go through a modified training program. 418 00:29:41,906 --> 00:29:45,409 You'll learn many, many keys to crime prevention. 419 00:29:46,035 --> 00:29:50,122 Keys you can teach many, many others in your community. 420 00:29:50,331 --> 00:29:54,251 Modified? Modified nothing. I want the works. 421 00:29:54,460 --> 00:29:56,170 WOMAN: Yeah. - Madam... 422 00:29:56,378 --> 00:29:59,423 ...I think it's time for a dose of reality. 423 00:30:00,216 --> 00:30:02,426 You can forget Lassard's hype. 424 00:30:03,969 --> 00:30:07,598 You people do not belong here. 425 00:30:08,599 --> 00:30:11,811 Especially you and you. 426 00:30:14,605 --> 00:30:15,731 [CHUCKLES] 427 00:30:15,940 --> 00:30:19,944 Community action groups mean one thing, and one thing only. 428 00:30:22,947 --> 00:30:24,865 I hope that wasn't gum. 429 00:30:28,410 --> 00:30:30,454 You heard the captain. Is it? 430 00:30:31,455 --> 00:30:35,376 It's definitely gum, sir. Bubble gum. Cherry, I think. 431 00:30:35,793 --> 00:30:38,629 - Thank you, Proctor. PROCTOR: You're welcome, sir. 432 00:30:41,549 --> 00:30:45,386 These groups only mean citizens getting in the way of the police. 433 00:30:45,594 --> 00:30:47,888 Now, I don't get involved in your business... 434 00:30:48,097 --> 00:30:50,766 ...and I don't want you involved in my-- 435 00:30:50,975 --> 00:30:53,269 [CACKLES] 436 00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:56,146 Now, if you were smart... 437 00:30:56,355 --> 00:31:00,192 ...you would go home and forget this stupid idea... 438 00:31:00,901 --> 00:31:02,444 [GROANS] 439 00:31:02,653 --> 00:31:04,822 Are those wedding bells I hear, sir? 440 00:31:05,698 --> 00:31:07,074 [SNARLING] 441 00:31:08,033 --> 00:31:09,285 [GRUNTS] 442 00:31:09,493 --> 00:31:13,622 - Whose damn mutt is this? -It's my damn mutt. 443 00:31:14,957 --> 00:31:17,543 I want him out of here! 444 00:31:17,751 --> 00:31:19,962 - But, sir-- - Out! 445 00:31:20,838 --> 00:31:22,256 Gut! 446 00:31:23,299 --> 00:31:27,303 I am not getting rid of Clarence. He's my pet. 447 00:31:27,511 --> 00:31:31,181 Why should you? After all, Harris has Proctor. 448 00:31:31,807 --> 00:31:33,309 I'll take him. 449 00:31:33,726 --> 00:31:35,978 I have a big house, nice yard. 450 00:31:36,812 --> 00:31:39,440 See, he likes me. We'll get along fine. 451 00:31:39,648 --> 00:31:42,735 - Me too? I'm housebroken. - Heh. 452 00:31:42,943 --> 00:31:45,613 Come on, C.O.Ps, let's step up to the white line! 453 00:31:45,821 --> 00:31:49,158 Let's line ourselves up with a slot, then let's listen to Mr. Jones. 454 00:31:49,366 --> 00:31:51,368 Thank you, Sgt. Tackleberry. 455 00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:56,332 This is a standard police issue .38. 456 00:31:56,707 --> 00:31:58,667 Examine this weapon carefully. 457 00:31:58,876 --> 00:32:00,961 You must be sure this weapon is not loaded. 458 00:32:01,170 --> 00:32:05,341 You will be responsible for the loading and unloading of this weapon yourself. 459 00:32:05,716 --> 00:32:07,760 Now, Sgt. Tackleberry. 460 00:32:10,596 --> 00:32:13,140 You want to become one with the gun. 461 00:32:15,225 --> 00:32:19,063 Feel the gun, caress the gun... 462 00:32:20,940 --> 00:32:24,401 ...until it's a living, breathing, vibrating... 463 00:32:24,610 --> 00:32:27,738 ...extension of yourself. 464 00:32:27,947 --> 00:32:29,531 I look for the same in a woman. 465 00:32:29,740 --> 00:32:31,742 This sucker's not loaded. 466 00:32:31,951 --> 00:32:33,869 You won't be using live ammo. 467 00:32:34,536 --> 00:32:38,958 Tack, how about letting me squeeze off a few rounds of that baby? 468 00:32:39,166 --> 00:32:40,542 Tack? 469 00:32:41,543 --> 00:32:43,295 Affirmative, Mrs. F. 470 00:32:45,422 --> 00:32:48,592 Now, be careful because a .44 magnum has quite a... 471 00:32:49,385 --> 00:32:50,594 [WOMAN SCREAMS] 472 00:32:51,178 --> 00:32:52,304 ...kick. 473 00:32:52,513 --> 00:32:54,264 Damn, that was fun! 474 00:32:58,936 --> 00:33:01,021 WOMAN: Rescuing the drowning victim. 475 00:33:01,230 --> 00:33:03,857 Now, when approaching a potentially dangerous... 476 00:33:04,024 --> 00:33:06,360 ...and out-of-control victim, use this stroke only. 477 00:33:06,568 --> 00:33:08,362 Arms out of the way for protection. 478 00:33:08,570 --> 00:33:12,199 Now, when you get the victim in control, you slip your arm across his chest... 479 00:33:12,408 --> 00:33:13,742 ...under his opposite arm. 480 00:33:13,951 --> 00:33:16,370 Rest his head and his neck against your shoulder. 481 00:33:16,578 --> 00:33:20,124 Kick with your feet. Now, your victim could be struggling. 482 00:33:20,499 --> 00:33:23,627 Struggle, House. Good, House... 483 00:33:23,961 --> 00:33:24,962 House! 484 00:33:31,093 --> 00:33:32,970 [GIBBERING] 485 00:33:34,138 --> 00:33:36,265 Really swift! I'll get him! 486 00:33:41,020 --> 00:33:44,815 Arnie, get out of the pool! You just ate! 487 00:33:56,785 --> 00:33:58,579 [ARNIE GRUNTS] 488 00:34:01,749 --> 00:34:03,500 Get him out of here! 489 00:34:07,337 --> 00:34:08,714 Thanks, pal. 490 00:34:10,424 --> 00:34:13,761 Now we have an opportunity to start our water safety lesson. 491 00:34:16,764 --> 00:34:18,891 I will play the drowning victim. 492 00:34:22,603 --> 00:34:23,896 Arnie? 493 00:34:33,864 --> 00:34:35,908 Now, who's going to save me? 494 00:34:36,116 --> 00:34:37,785 MAN1: Yeah! MANZ: Yeah! 495 00:35:07,106 --> 00:35:08,315 [SIGHS] 496 00:35:08,816 --> 00:35:12,319 That was, uh, mighty brave. I admire that. 497 00:35:12,903 --> 00:35:14,321 That was nothing. 498 00:35:15,155 --> 00:35:18,867 You don't have a hair dryer, or, ah! Perhaps some mousse? 499 00:35:19,451 --> 00:35:23,288 No. Your hair looks nice. It's very stylish. 500 00:35:23,747 --> 00:35:25,707 Moi? Stylish? 501 00:35:27,835 --> 00:35:29,419 Oh, urn, I think I'd better be going. 502 00:35:30,003 --> 00:35:31,421 mickey! 503 00:35:33,298 --> 00:35:35,551 He's dead! He killed him! 504 00:35:36,135 --> 00:35:39,847 - Oh, I'm sure the Academy will pay for it. - What about the sentimental value? 505 00:35:40,055 --> 00:35:41,932 This is a family heirloom here. 506 00:35:42,141 --> 00:35:45,561 This is the last thing I ever stole before joining the Academy. 507 00:35:45,769 --> 00:35:49,523 What the hell is this? Cadets in heat? 508 00:35:49,731 --> 00:35:51,358 No. We were just, like, talking. 509 00:35:51,567 --> 00:35:54,278 Oh, just, like, talk somewhere else. 510 00:35:54,611 --> 00:35:57,656 This is not a spawning pool. I want discipline. 511 00:35:58,031 --> 00:36:00,159 Do I make myself clear, Zed? 512 00:36:00,742 --> 00:36:02,119 Discipline! 513 00:36:03,620 --> 00:36:05,372 - Jerk. - What? 514 00:36:05,581 --> 00:36:06,957 He said bye. 515 00:36:10,252 --> 00:36:13,547 No. I said jerk. I think it was pretty clear. 516 00:36:13,755 --> 00:36:15,424 - I said, "Jerk." - Jerk. 517 00:36:16,842 --> 00:36:20,470 [SINGING] "Wait," said the daisy, sweet buttercup 518 00:36:20,888 --> 00:36:23,056 Time to get up 519 00:36:24,933 --> 00:36:26,977 Time to get up 520 00:36:28,687 --> 00:36:32,274 As a daisy, sweet buttercup 521 00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:36,486 Time to get up, time to get up 522 00:36:47,789 --> 00:36:49,625 [SIZZLING] 523 00:36:50,959 --> 00:36:52,628 [SCREAMS] 524 00:36:52,836 --> 00:36:54,838 Cadets, I'd now like to discuss with you... 525 00:36:55,005 --> 00:36:57,341 ...something that will be vital for you to know... 526 00:36:57,507 --> 00:37:01,053 ...when you're, like, out there on the job as a police officer. 527 00:37:01,261 --> 00:37:04,181 And that's the correct way to eat a doughnut. 528 00:37:04,848 --> 00:37:07,142 - A doughnut-- PROCTOR: Attention! 529 00:37:09,061 --> 00:37:10,562 Captain Harris. 530 00:37:19,154 --> 00:37:23,200 From this moment on, anyone who misplaces their canister of Mace... 531 00:37:23,408 --> 00:37:25,452 ...will be reprimanded and fined. 532 00:37:25,661 --> 00:37:27,913 - Is that clear? ALL: Yes, sir! 533 00:37:36,964 --> 00:37:38,048 Bye. 534 00:37:41,260 --> 00:37:43,178 As Citizens On Patrol... 535 00:37:43,387 --> 00:37:46,932 ...endurance and longevity should be very important to you. 536 00:37:47,599 --> 00:37:51,144 Aerobic activity will keep you in shape... 537 00:37:51,979 --> 00:37:53,814 ...and keep that heart rate up. 538 00:37:54,314 --> 00:37:57,234 Music, however, makes it a little less painful. 539 00:37:57,609 --> 00:37:59,736 Hooks, cassette. 540 00:37:59,945 --> 00:38:03,240 I have confidence that Sgt. Hooks has chosen the appropriate music. 541 00:38:03,448 --> 00:38:04,866 Oh-ho, no cassette. 542 00:38:05,075 --> 00:38:06,243 Let's go. 543 00:38:06,451 --> 00:38:08,620 [GIBBERING] 544 00:38:10,747 --> 00:38:13,208 Nice selection, Hooks. All right. 545 00:38:13,417 --> 00:38:14,876 Slow walk. Slow start. 546 00:38:15,085 --> 00:38:17,129 [JONES BEATBOXING] 547 00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:19,798 Keep your arms moving. That's good. 548 00:38:20,007 --> 00:38:22,426 Into a nice slow jog. Okay! 549 00:38:23,093 --> 00:38:26,346 Arms moving. Keep breathing. Don't forget to breathe. 550 00:38:26,555 --> 00:38:30,267 Tuck his tummy, Hooks. Attagirl. Let's go. 551 00:38:37,691 --> 00:38:40,277 [GRUNTS] 552 00:38:40,694 --> 00:38:41,737 [GROANING] 553 00:38:41,945 --> 00:38:43,488 [SCOREBOARD BUZZES] 554 00:38:45,115 --> 00:38:48,535 Now, this whistle can be very valuable... 555 00:38:48,744 --> 00:38:51,204 ...when walking through a bad neighborhood. 556 00:38:51,413 --> 00:38:54,124 If your purse gets snatched, blow this whistle... 557 00:38:54,583 --> 00:38:57,794 ...to alert your neighbors and the police so they can help. 558 00:38:58,003 --> 00:39:00,630 Now, Mrs. Feldman, would you play the victim? 559 00:39:00,839 --> 00:39:04,926 - Yes. - Okay, and I'll be Mr. Purse Snatcher. 560 00:39:05,135 --> 00:39:07,929 - Okay. - Heh, go. 561 00:39:08,722 --> 00:39:10,057 [MRS. FELDMAN HUMMING] 562 00:39:10,265 --> 00:39:11,892 [GASPS] 563 00:39:12,100 --> 00:39:13,894 [BOTH GRUNTING] 564 00:39:15,312 --> 00:39:16,646 [SWEETCHUCK BLOWING WHISTLE] 565 00:39:22,569 --> 00:39:24,071 Any questions? 566 00:39:30,452 --> 00:39:32,412 [ALL GRUNTING] 567 00:39:45,926 --> 00:39:48,136 Now, practice. 568 00:39:54,101 --> 00:39:56,645 [GRUNTING] 569 00:39:58,438 --> 00:40:00,148 [ALL CHEERS] 570 00:40:00,357 --> 00:40:04,194 You had him for, like, a minute. He was scared. He was, like, flinching. 571 00:40:04,403 --> 00:40:05,946 His face went: 572 00:40:24,506 --> 00:40:26,049 [YELLS] 573 00:40:28,009 --> 00:40:30,429 [SCREAMING] 574 00:40:30,637 --> 00:40:31,972 [SWEETCHUCK SCREAMING] 575 00:40:34,724 --> 00:40:36,351 [SCOREBOARD BUZZES] 576 00:40:37,727 --> 00:40:38,895 Sorry. 577 00:40:40,522 --> 00:40:43,984 - Citizens On Patrol. What a joke. - Heh. 578 00:40:44,401 --> 00:40:47,779 - You know what C.O.P. really stands for? - Uh, no, sir. What? 579 00:40:47,988 --> 00:40:51,158 - Collection Of Pissants. That's not funny. - Ha-ha. No, sir. 580 00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:55,704 This citizen-action crap is a disaster, a bad idea, and I'm going to prove it. 581 00:40:55,912 --> 00:40:57,122 Yes, sir. 582 00:41:00,417 --> 00:41:03,837 HOOKS: Excuse me, everyone. 583 00:41:04,045 --> 00:41:05,213 I mean, not everyone. 584 00:41:05,422 --> 00:41:08,884 Attention! Excuse me. Move it! 585 00:41:09,468 --> 00:41:12,721 HOOKS: Everybody, come over here! - Hooks. 586 00:41:12,929 --> 00:41:17,225 Stop embarrassing the Police Department and join your civilian buddies. 587 00:41:17,434 --> 00:41:20,604 May I have your attention, please? Hooks, the tank! 588 00:41:20,812 --> 00:41:21,855 Ouch. 589 00:41:22,063 --> 00:41:24,900 HOOKS: I'm so sorry. - You dimwit! 590 00:41:25,108 --> 00:41:26,443 [HARRIS GROANING] 591 00:41:29,946 --> 00:41:32,491 HARRIS: Today, Hooks, today. 592 00:41:39,331 --> 00:41:43,335 Now, take your little munchkin voice and go away. 593 00:41:44,961 --> 00:41:46,046 Shoo, shoo, shoo! 594 00:41:47,881 --> 00:41:49,216 Listen up! 595 00:41:49,633 --> 00:41:54,221 This is the proper procedure for administering oxygen. 596 00:41:55,263 --> 00:41:59,226 You place the mask securely about the face of the patient... 597 00:41:59,434 --> 00:42:01,853 ...and then have them breathe deeply. 598 00:42:06,525 --> 00:42:08,652 [IN SQUEAKY VOICE] Now, that is the way it's done... 599 00:42:08,818 --> 00:42:10,028 ...in Capt. Harris' precinct. 600 00:42:10,195 --> 00:42:11,404 [ALL LAUGHING] 601 00:42:11,613 --> 00:42:14,241 What the hell? Hooks! 602 00:42:18,537 --> 00:42:19,621 [PEOPLE GRUNTING] 603 00:42:21,164 --> 00:42:24,084 So you gentlemen think you're on a vacation'? 604 00:42:24,501 --> 00:42:27,712 You're no better than anyone else, so let's go, let's get to work. 605 00:42:27,921 --> 00:42:29,881 Come on, dudes, chill out. 606 00:42:30,674 --> 00:42:33,885 You dudes are setting a bad example. 607 00:42:34,553 --> 00:42:38,265 Can't hear you, bro. Can't you see I'm getting my beauty sleep? 608 00:42:38,473 --> 00:42:39,766 Oh, I'm sorry. 609 00:42:40,517 --> 00:42:41,726 Move it! 610 00:42:45,814 --> 00:42:47,524 You sure told them. 611 00:42:49,317 --> 00:42:52,237 Did you ever think about maybe getting some contact lenses... 612 00:42:52,445 --> 00:42:54,573 ...or something, like, you know? 613 00:42:55,657 --> 00:42:57,200 You'd look good in them. 614 00:42:58,118 --> 00:42:59,327 [POLICE SIREN WAILING] 615 00:42:59,536 --> 00:43:01,496 Proctor, this is an alley. 616 00:43:01,663 --> 00:43:04,332 I know, sir, but these are the directions Mahoney gave me. 617 00:43:04,499 --> 00:43:05,500 - Mahoney? - Yes, sir. 618 00:43:05,709 --> 00:43:08,211 He says this restaurant has the best salad bar in town. 619 00:43:08,378 --> 00:43:10,213 It damn sure better have. 620 00:43:12,549 --> 00:43:14,342 [HARRIS CLEARS THROAT] 621 00:43:15,385 --> 00:43:17,053 [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER] 622 00:43:23,059 --> 00:43:25,312 - Proctor. - Yes, sir? 623 00:43:26,187 --> 00:43:28,648 I don't see a salad bar. 624 00:43:29,566 --> 00:43:32,485 Look, maybe they serve seafood, heh. 625 00:43:32,694 --> 00:43:34,821 That's not funny, you idiot. 626 00:43:37,532 --> 00:43:40,201 What are you looking at, you peckerhead? 627 00:43:40,410 --> 00:43:43,788 Nice uniform. Makes me wish I'd worn my sailor outfit. 628 00:43:45,582 --> 00:43:49,127 I'm getting out of here. Move it! 629 00:43:49,336 --> 00:43:51,463 [HARRIS GRUNTS] 630 00:43:51,630 --> 00:43:52,839 [TANGO MUSIC PLAYING] 631 00:43:53,006 --> 00:43:54,758 Proctor! 632 00:43:55,634 --> 00:43:58,428 I don't think cutting in is allowed, sir. 633 00:43:58,637 --> 00:44:00,055 Nice collar. 634 00:44:00,722 --> 00:44:02,140 [COUGHS] 635 00:44:06,019 --> 00:44:08,271 [ALL CHEERING] 636 00:44:14,194 --> 00:44:17,155 JONES: Here we go again. Next round. Mahoney weaving his way through... 637 00:44:17,322 --> 00:44:19,449 ...looking pretty good. Gets past the main defense. 638 00:44:19,658 --> 00:44:21,076 And, under the leg! 639 00:44:21,242 --> 00:44:22,327 Oh. 640 00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:23,870 Nice shot! 641 00:44:24,079 --> 00:44:26,581 That man is a hot dog. The crowd's gone wild! 642 00:44:27,415 --> 00:44:31,044 The ball's brought in. Here we go. We have the play going. 643 00:44:31,336 --> 00:44:32,837 Throws to Zed. 644 00:44:33,672 --> 00:44:35,590 - Ahh! - A little bit of a steal there. 645 00:44:36,299 --> 00:44:37,550 Hightower! 646 00:44:37,717 --> 00:44:40,887 Mahoney throws a pass to Hightower. 647 00:44:41,096 --> 00:44:44,683 And then Hightower he... The Doctor of Dunk scores! 648 00:44:46,434 --> 00:44:49,270 You killed it. Really swift! 649 00:44:50,355 --> 00:44:51,398 Aha. 650 00:44:51,606 --> 00:44:52,982 Uh, some community action. 651 00:44:53,608 --> 00:44:57,237 Ladies and gentlemen, it's Lt. Proctor, a ghetto favorite! 652 00:44:59,406 --> 00:45:01,032 Thank you very much. 653 00:45:01,199 --> 00:45:02,742 [JONES IMITATES FEEDBACK] 654 00:45:03,034 --> 00:45:04,494 I'm honored to be-- 655 00:45:08,998 --> 00:45:12,502 You know, uh, Capt. Harris isn't gonna like this... 656 00:45:13,336 --> 00:45:14,796 ...goofing off. 657 00:45:15,004 --> 00:45:18,550 - Oh, come on. This is community relations. - No, Mahoney. 658 00:45:18,758 --> 00:45:22,178 I'm an expert in goofing off, and this is goofing off. 659 00:45:23,346 --> 00:45:25,640 And I'm gonna have to tell him, heh. 660 00:45:26,307 --> 00:45:29,602 - I have an urge to break him in half. - Why fight it? 661 00:45:30,687 --> 00:45:34,399 No, Hightower. Take it easy, big guy. The creep's not worth it. 662 00:45:35,692 --> 00:45:37,777 [CAR ENGINE STARTS] 663 00:45:39,738 --> 00:45:41,990 [TIRES SCREECH] 664 00:45:43,700 --> 00:45:45,577 - You through in there? - Sure, go ahead. 665 00:45:45,785 --> 00:45:46,911 Thanks. 666 00:46:00,383 --> 00:46:01,634 Excuse me, uh, Silvio? 667 00:46:01,843 --> 00:46:04,929 I wonder if you can help me. I need some help over here. 668 00:46:05,138 --> 00:46:07,056 - Right there. SILVIO: No problem. 669 00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:20,153 [THUMPING] 670 00:46:34,459 --> 00:46:38,046 Hey, hey, hold your horses, I'll be out in a minute! 671 00:46:39,464 --> 00:46:41,925 Okay, like, bring it in. 672 00:46:42,091 --> 00:46:45,053 Just, like, bring it in a hair. 673 00:46:46,221 --> 00:46:48,223 Watch out for the plane! 674 00:46:48,431 --> 00:46:50,475 Oh, the humanity, phew! 675 00:46:50,683 --> 00:46:53,770 Okay, that's perfect. No, that's fine. 676 00:46:54,938 --> 00:46:57,357 - Metro police. - Special assignment. 677 00:47:18,753 --> 00:47:20,964 [LAUGHING] 678 00:47:41,150 --> 00:47:43,027 MAN [OVER SPEAKERS]: Ladies and gentlemen... 679 00:47:43,361 --> 00:47:45,905 ...please rise for our national anthem. 680 00:47:46,447 --> 00:47:48,449 [PLAYING "STAR SPANGLED BANNER"] 681 00:48:01,713 --> 00:48:05,508 - Aah! Read that part about me again, Arnie. - What part? 682 00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:08,428 You know, the part about the dynamic leader of the C.O.P. 683 00:48:08,636 --> 00:48:11,180 Get real! That's me they're talking about. 684 00:48:11,723 --> 00:48:13,850 [IMITATES DOOR SQUEAKING] 685 00:48:15,602 --> 00:48:17,520 [IMITATING BELA LUGOSI] Good evening, gentlemen. 686 00:48:17,687 --> 00:48:19,355 I congratulate you on another good day. 687 00:48:19,522 --> 00:48:22,275 Sleep well, ha, ha. 688 00:48:22,483 --> 00:48:25,278 Hey, Count, getting worried we're gonna be taking over soon? 689 00:48:25,486 --> 00:48:26,738 We're ready. 690 00:48:26,946 --> 00:48:30,491 Hm, you're improving, guys. But you're still way down in the food chain. 691 00:48:30,700 --> 00:48:33,703 As we vampires say, "Lights out, suckers." 692 00:48:34,287 --> 00:48:36,039 [IMITATES WOLF] 693 00:48:38,499 --> 00:48:40,418 This C.O.P. bit is a breeze. 694 00:48:40,627 --> 00:48:42,629 - We are ready. - I concur. 695 00:48:42,837 --> 00:48:45,381 I think we're ready to bust some truly major criminals. 696 00:48:45,590 --> 00:48:48,134 Maybe we should go out and find some. 697 00:48:48,593 --> 00:48:53,514 Maybe we should become vigilantes. Yeah, that's it. Vigilantes. 698 00:49:05,234 --> 00:49:07,904 Wake up, men! We need you. Now! 699 00:49:08,321 --> 00:49:10,907 Come on. 700 00:49:11,741 --> 00:49:15,370 What's going on? Where are we going? Why are we here? What's happening? 701 00:49:15,578 --> 00:49:18,498 You're here because you're ready. You said you were ready. 702 00:49:18,706 --> 00:49:20,959 - One thing I-- - You're ready, now. 703 00:49:33,221 --> 00:49:36,349 Could you be a little more specific concerning our current mission? 704 00:49:36,557 --> 00:49:40,353 - We're apprehending two known felons. - Uh, I'll be going home now. 705 00:50:05,086 --> 00:50:07,046 - Where are the rest? - What rest? We're it. 706 00:50:07,255 --> 00:50:11,134 - We'll flush them out of the building. - You stay behind, cut them off in the alley. 707 00:50:11,342 --> 00:50:12,385 Stay. 708 00:50:12,969 --> 00:50:15,221 What about guns and shit, man? 709 00:50:15,430 --> 00:50:17,849 Guns? No, you won't be needing them. 710 00:50:18,057 --> 00:50:20,560 We're pretty sure they're not armed. 711 00:50:49,464 --> 00:50:53,092 They can handle this without us. We'll just get in the way, you know. 712 00:50:53,301 --> 00:50:54,385 Good thinking. 713 00:50:54,594 --> 00:50:56,012 [IMITATES GUNSHOT] 714 00:50:56,220 --> 00:50:59,223 ALL: Whoa, whoa, whoa! 715 00:51:00,850 --> 00:51:03,853 [SCREAMING] 716 00:51:08,191 --> 00:51:09,859 We got them, men! 717 00:51:10,068 --> 00:51:12,528 [LAUGHING] 718 00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:20,495 It's all right, men. Come on over. 719 00:51:23,873 --> 00:51:27,710 All right, you three will be riding in the back with Badula... 720 00:51:29,420 --> 00:51:31,214 ...and his late brother. 721 00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:39,472 You guys keep him subdued. 722 00:51:45,186 --> 00:51:46,437 Let's go. 723 00:51:57,031 --> 00:51:59,992 [BADULA CHANTING] 724 00:52:11,295 --> 00:52:13,840 Don't let his voodoo mumbo jumbo scare you. 725 00:52:23,432 --> 00:52:28,146 Fools. To think they can kill the brother of Badula. 726 00:52:28,354 --> 00:52:30,106 I never thought that. 727 00:52:31,399 --> 00:52:35,903 Whoo. That I could reach into the belly of a yak and rip out his heart. 728 00:52:36,487 --> 00:52:38,990 That would bring him back to life? 729 00:52:39,198 --> 00:52:41,450 No, man. I'm hungry. 730 00:52:46,581 --> 00:52:50,209 Listen, we're going for some burgers and fries. We'll be right back. 731 00:52:50,418 --> 00:52:51,961 [CHANTING CONTINUES] 732 00:53:04,182 --> 00:53:06,184 [LAUGHING MANIACALLY] 733 00:53:09,478 --> 00:53:11,189 [MOTOR STARTS] 734 00:53:27,830 --> 00:53:29,832 [SCREAMING] 735 00:53:30,374 --> 00:53:31,876 Out of my way! 736 00:53:39,926 --> 00:53:43,429 I guess they weren't as ready as they thought they were. 737 00:53:43,638 --> 00:53:46,140 - You can take the mask off now, Tack. - Heh. 738 00:53:48,351 --> 00:53:50,228 [ALL CHATTERING] 739 00:53:50,436 --> 00:53:52,438 [POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 740 00:53:57,401 --> 00:53:58,945 - Proctor. - Yes, sir? 741 00:53:59,153 --> 00:54:02,865 - Who are all these people? - Oh, they're here for the party, sir. 742 00:54:03,366 --> 00:54:04,700 What party? 743 00:54:05,368 --> 00:54:09,205 A few of the Citizens On Patrol members invited a few of their friends... 744 00:54:09,413 --> 00:54:13,000 ...and they invited a few of their friends. You know how it goes, sir. 745 00:54:13,209 --> 00:54:14,877 - A party? - Yes, sir. 746 00:54:15,461 --> 00:54:18,881 A party? Why wasn't I told? 747 00:54:21,384 --> 00:54:23,469 - Mahoney. - Hey, Callahan. 748 00:54:24,595 --> 00:54:26,013 Here you go. 749 00:54:27,223 --> 00:54:28,808 MAHONEY: Attention, ladies and gentlemen! 750 00:54:29,016 --> 00:54:31,936 Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? 751 00:54:32,144 --> 00:54:34,355 I'd like to thank you all for coming! 752 00:54:34,814 --> 00:54:36,232 Let's party! 753 00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:38,276 [ALL CHEERING] 754 00:54:46,242 --> 00:54:48,160 - Move those patooties. - Excuse me. 755 00:54:48,369 --> 00:54:50,997 All police officers out of the pool! 756 00:54:51,163 --> 00:54:54,083 - Proctor! - Let's go! Out, everybody out! 757 00:54:54,292 --> 00:54:57,253 Sir, why don't you just let everyone enjoy themselves? 758 00:54:57,461 --> 00:55:00,840 Why don't you just kiss my rosy red ass, Mahoney? 759 00:55:02,883 --> 00:55:04,218 Rosy? 760 00:55:04,427 --> 00:55:06,721 HARRIS: Get out of that pool now! 761 00:55:09,390 --> 00:55:11,559 Just look at yourself. 762 00:55:13,144 --> 00:55:19,275 You are a disgrace to the uniform! Go get changed. Move it, move it, move it. 763 00:55:27,700 --> 00:55:31,746 - What are we looking for? - This. 764 00:55:35,124 --> 00:55:37,335 - Why, Capt. Harris. - Miss Mattson. 765 00:55:37,543 --> 00:55:38,961 - Hello, heh. - How are you? 766 00:55:39,170 --> 00:55:40,546 Have you seen Clarence? 767 00:55:40,755 --> 00:55:41,839 [DOG BARKS] 768 00:55:42,048 --> 00:55:44,300 HARRIS: Don't you let that fleabag near me. 769 00:55:44,508 --> 00:55:47,470 CLAIRE: Clarence is crazy about you, Captain. 770 00:55:47,636 --> 00:55:49,055 Let me just call him over. 771 00:55:49,263 --> 00:55:50,598 HARRIS: No. CLAIRE: For a second? 772 00:55:50,806 --> 00:55:53,476 HARRIS: No. - Okay. Bye. 773 00:55:59,815 --> 00:56:04,320 Wipe those grins off your faces, buttbreaths! Dismissed! 774 00:56:09,492 --> 00:56:10,701 Hmm. 775 00:56:10,951 --> 00:56:12,828 [GRUNTS] 776 00:56:12,995 --> 00:56:15,664 WOMAN [OVER PA]: Dr. Berman, please pick up line two. 777 00:56:15,831 --> 00:56:17,249 Dr. Berman, line two, please. 778 00:56:17,875 --> 00:56:20,252 - You shouldn't be in here. - How is Capt. Harris? 779 00:56:20,461 --> 00:56:24,006 - We'll do all we can. - Please, be gentle. 780 00:56:27,718 --> 00:56:29,720 [GRUNTING] 781 00:56:40,022 --> 00:56:41,065 [GASPS THEN SHOUTS] 782 00:56:41,232 --> 00:56:43,984 Um, I heard what Harris said, and he's wrong. 783 00:56:44,693 --> 00:56:46,821 [WHIMPERING] It happens to me all the time. 784 00:56:46,987 --> 00:56:48,697 People just don't understand me. 785 00:56:50,366 --> 00:56:53,619 Maybe if you talked a little slower, a little softer... 786 00:56:53,828 --> 00:56:57,915 That's not what I meant. I meant people don't know who I really am. 787 00:56:58,791 --> 00:57:01,585 Now I got to worry about my diction too? 788 00:57:02,378 --> 00:57:05,047 - How's my sentence structure? - Perfect. 789 00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:10,719 In fact, I think you're just about perfect. 790 00:57:19,687 --> 00:57:21,480 [YELPS] 791 00:58:24,251 --> 00:58:26,462 I think I'm going to puke. 792 00:58:27,796 --> 00:58:30,508 [BOTH SIGH] 793 00:58:33,260 --> 00:58:35,804 Hi, sir. How are you feeling? 794 00:58:36,680 --> 00:58:39,266 [MUMBLING]: I have to wait for the damn glue to wear off. 795 00:58:41,393 --> 00:58:42,978 I didn't catch that. 796 00:58:43,187 --> 00:58:45,814 Was that, "the dim shoe to snare off"? 797 00:58:46,315 --> 00:58:51,195 I said I have to wait for the damn glue to wear off. 798 00:58:53,197 --> 00:58:55,199 [ALL CHATTERING] 799 00:58:57,326 --> 00:59:01,997 So I asked her, "Do you always work under podiums?" 800 00:59:02,748 --> 00:59:05,751 [ALL LAUGHING] 801 00:59:09,672 --> 00:59:11,048 Commandant? 802 00:59:11,924 --> 00:59:16,470 Why, Chief Hurst, this is a splendid, splendid surprise! 803 00:59:16,679 --> 00:59:20,307 You remember Nogata? He's part of our Japanese contingent. 804 00:59:20,516 --> 00:59:22,226 This is Chief Hurst. 805 00:59:22,643 --> 00:59:27,147 We have heard many, many wonderful things about you and your city. 806 00:59:27,314 --> 00:59:28,649 [CHUCKLES] 807 00:59:28,816 --> 00:59:31,193 I've been helping them with their English, heh. 808 00:59:31,402 --> 00:59:33,696 - Please, sit. Please. - Thank you. 809 00:59:35,447 --> 00:59:40,077 I hope you'll find the time to, uh, see our beautiful city firsthand. 810 00:59:40,869 --> 00:59:43,914 In fact, I've just flown here personally... 811 00:59:44,123 --> 00:59:46,333 ...to extend the mayor's invitation... 812 00:59:46,750 --> 00:59:48,210 ...to see my... 813 00:59:48,877 --> 00:59:53,632 To see Comdt. Lassard's community program in action. 814 00:59:54,049 --> 00:59:56,969 We are convinced that this program will serve... 815 00:59:57,177 --> 01:00:00,514 ...as a model for cities around the world. 816 01:00:02,516 --> 01:00:05,811 [ALL SPEAK IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES THEN CHEER] 817 01:00:05,978 --> 01:00:08,814 We would be honored to accept your invitation. 818 01:00:09,023 --> 01:00:11,400 - Wonderful. - Oh, please, come. 819 01:00:14,403 --> 01:00:17,031 - Auf Wiedersehen. OFFICER: Arrivederci. 820 01:00:19,825 --> 01:00:21,076 MAN: Bonsoir. 821 01:00:24,663 --> 01:00:28,000 I see you've been teaching them something other than English. 822 01:00:28,208 --> 01:00:29,668 Heh, I do what I can. 823 01:00:29,877 --> 01:00:33,297 - So my program is really, really working? - Hell, yes. 824 01:00:33,922 --> 01:00:38,844 Starting tomorrow, C.O.Ps will be working the streets. 825 01:00:55,402 --> 01:00:57,404 C.O.P. emergency. Feldman here. 826 01:00:57,571 --> 01:01:00,532 Meet me at the corner of Clark and Main Street at the warehouse. 827 01:01:00,741 --> 01:01:02,785 MAN [OVER WALKIE-TALKIE]: 10-4, Mrs. F. 828 01:01:13,671 --> 01:01:16,757 -$40, we're agreed? - Okay, $40. 829 01:01:17,591 --> 01:01:20,552 Snap off a few shots for evidence. 830 01:01:22,388 --> 01:01:23,931 Get closer. 831 01:01:27,059 --> 01:01:31,480 I saw this on Hill Street Blues. It's a fencing operation. 832 01:01:32,064 --> 01:01:34,942 You're gonna love these. We just unloaded a van full of them. 833 01:01:35,150 --> 01:01:36,610 Okay, bring in the rest of it. 834 01:01:36,819 --> 01:01:38,112 Next case. 835 01:01:41,990 --> 01:01:43,826 [SHUTTER CLICKS] 836 01:01:43,992 --> 01:01:47,538 Nice camera. Don't let that crook give you less than $80. 837 01:01:50,999 --> 01:01:52,584 [BLOWS WHISTLE] 838 01:01:52,751 --> 01:01:55,170 Freeze, you scuzzbuckets! 839 01:01:55,379 --> 01:01:58,340 This is a citizen's arrest. Get them, boys! 840 01:02:01,677 --> 01:02:03,429 [ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY] 841 01:02:12,438 --> 01:02:15,107 You're not moving till the cops get here. 842 01:02:15,274 --> 01:02:16,775 [SIREN WAILING] 843 01:02:16,942 --> 01:02:18,652 I am the cops, lady. 844 01:02:20,237 --> 01:02:24,324 Three months' work out the window, down the drain. 845 01:02:24,950 --> 01:02:27,619 Your Citizens On Patrol just screwed up... 846 01:02:27,828 --> 01:02:31,790 ...the single biggest undercover police sting operation... 847 01:02:31,999 --> 01:02:34,626 ...in the history of this city! 848 01:02:37,296 --> 01:02:38,630 Tell them the good news, sir. 849 01:02:38,797 --> 01:02:41,383 - Thank you, Proctor. - You're welcome, sir. 850 01:02:42,134 --> 01:02:47,014 As of now, the C.O.P. program is suspended... 851 01:02:47,347 --> 01:02:49,892 ...pending a full investigation. 852 01:02:55,105 --> 01:02:56,774 MAN: Ten-hut! 853 01:03:07,910 --> 01:03:11,747 Mahoney, I'm so, so proud of the job you've done. 854 01:03:12,080 --> 01:03:13,499 HURST: Nice work, men. 855 01:03:13,707 --> 01:03:16,627 The eyes of the world are on this program. 856 01:03:16,835 --> 01:03:20,047 Excuse me, sir. I think we should talk. 857 01:03:23,300 --> 01:03:26,386 This precinct must deal with every type of criminal... 858 01:03:26,595 --> 01:03:30,098 from pickpockets to armed robbers, felons of all kinds-- 859 01:03:30,307 --> 01:03:34,353 Capt. Harris. Excuse me. Urn, don't forget the gang of ninjas. 860 01:03:34,520 --> 01:03:36,522 [GIBBERS] 861 01:03:37,815 --> 01:03:40,067 They're my personal favorites. 862 01:03:41,485 --> 01:03:43,946 Why don't you go pay them a visit? 863 01:03:47,533 --> 01:03:51,620 This precinct is run on discipline and organization. 864 01:03:51,829 --> 01:03:54,957 MAN: Simon says, "Pull your left ear." 865 01:03:56,458 --> 01:04:00,587 Simon says, "Hop on your left foot." Come on, guys. 866 01:04:02,965 --> 01:04:06,260 Simon says, "Hop on your right foot." 867 01:04:07,135 --> 01:04:09,429 It's a little too noisy in here, gentlemen. 868 01:04:09,596 --> 01:04:11,723 We have important police officials visiting... 869 01:04:11,932 --> 01:04:14,393 ...and I think you'd better show the proper respect. 870 01:04:14,560 --> 01:04:16,520 Ah, come on, Lieutenant. We're almost finished. 871 01:04:16,728 --> 01:04:19,731 Come on, lieutenant, join us in a friendly game of Simon Says. 872 01:04:19,940 --> 01:04:24,570 There's nothing to it. Now, Simon says, "Touch your toes." 873 01:04:24,987 --> 01:04:29,032 Come on, lieutenant. Simon says, "Clap your hands." 874 01:04:30,742 --> 01:04:32,703 Come on, get in the spirit. 875 01:04:34,621 --> 01:04:37,291 Simon says, "Two steps right." 876 01:04:40,168 --> 01:04:42,379 Simon says, "Five steps back." 877 01:04:46,133 --> 01:04:47,759 Put your hands up! 878 01:04:47,926 --> 01:04:50,262 Ha, ha, Simon didn't say. 879 01:04:50,470 --> 01:04:52,639 No, but Smith and Wesson does. 880 01:04:53,849 --> 01:04:57,227 The high-security cell area is used to hold criminals... 881 01:04:57,436 --> 01:05:01,356 ...awaiting trial or transfer to state or county facilities. 882 01:05:01,857 --> 01:05:04,109 Any convictions involving felons... 883 01:05:04,276 --> 01:05:09,239 ...uh, perverts, thieves, people of that nature, are held in this area. 884 01:05:09,531 --> 01:05:14,202 - You will notice the steel construction. - What the hell is he doing in there? 885 01:05:17,956 --> 01:05:20,208 I think that explains it, sir. 886 01:05:25,881 --> 01:05:27,549 MAN: Come on, hurry up! 887 01:05:29,009 --> 01:05:31,011 [ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 888 01:05:43,315 --> 01:05:44,399 [ENGINE REVS] 889 01:05:47,361 --> 01:05:49,029 [SINGING] It's getting to the point now 890 01:05:49,196 --> 01:05:50,572 When I'm with you 891 01:05:50,739 --> 01:05:53,867 I no longer want to have Something stuck in my eye 892 01:05:54,076 --> 01:05:58,038 Your mother, my mother Ain't never looked like Florence Henderson 893 01:05:59,748 --> 01:06:02,000 [PLAYS CHORDS] 894 01:06:02,626 --> 01:06:04,628 Heh, I wrote that for you. 895 01:06:04,836 --> 01:06:06,505 [DUCK QUACKING] 896 01:06:06,672 --> 01:06:08,256 Oh, Zed. 897 01:06:08,966 --> 01:06:11,510 I hope now that C.O.P. is over... 898 01:06:11,718 --> 01:06:14,513 ...it won't mean that we won't be seeing each other anymore. 899 01:06:14,721 --> 01:06:15,722 'Shut - Aah! 900 01:06:15,889 --> 01:06:18,266 Not you. I meant the ducks. 901 01:06:18,558 --> 01:06:20,352 Attention. This is Mrs. F. 902 01:06:20,560 --> 01:06:24,564 - There's been a jailbreak. - Zed, 10-4! Ha, ha! 903 01:06:24,773 --> 01:06:27,484 Tack, you pick me up at Main and Maple. 904 01:06:27,901 --> 01:06:29,945 Move it! Over and out. 905 01:06:31,029 --> 01:06:32,406 Commandant! 906 01:06:33,740 --> 01:06:36,410 Commandant! Commandant! 907 01:06:36,827 --> 01:06:38,245 [TIRES SCREECH] 908 01:06:38,412 --> 01:06:41,123 - There's been a jailbreak, sir. - Get in. 909 01:06:50,632 --> 01:06:54,970 - It is so wonderful to see you again, baby. -It's wonderful to be seen. 910 01:06:55,303 --> 01:06:59,975 - Just like old times. - In America, talk is cheap. 911 01:07:00,642 --> 01:07:02,102 [YELLS] 912 01:07:04,396 --> 01:07:07,649 - There's been a jailbreak! - Oh. 913 01:07:11,987 --> 01:07:15,782 Look, there's a stolen police car. That's got to be it. 914 01:07:16,158 --> 01:07:18,744 I think we got a robbery in progress. 915 01:07:27,878 --> 01:07:29,087 [GUN COCKS] 916 01:07:30,797 --> 01:07:32,758 Stay here, Mrs. Feldman. 917 01:07:40,807 --> 01:07:42,350 Freeze! 918 01:07:42,934 --> 01:07:44,770 Good idea. 919 01:07:50,942 --> 01:07:54,362 MAN: All right, I want everybody to get back in that vault. 920 01:07:55,572 --> 01:07:57,616 Yahoo! 921 01:08:01,536 --> 01:08:04,372 Book them, Tack, heh. 922 01:08:10,504 --> 01:08:12,214 - There's a ninja now. NOGATA: I see him. 923 01:08:12,380 --> 01:08:14,883 CALLAHAN: Come on, let's get him. Let's go. 924 01:08:33,193 --> 01:08:34,736 CALLAHAN: Do you see him? 925 01:08:37,239 --> 01:08:39,324 [YELLING] 926 01:08:39,866 --> 01:08:41,243 [GRUNTS] 927 01:08:41,785 --> 01:08:42,911 NINJA: Oh, shit. 928 01:08:47,874 --> 01:08:51,419 All right. If it's a fight you want, a fight you'll get. 929 01:08:55,924 --> 01:08:57,926 [GRUNTING] 930 01:09:19,990 --> 01:09:22,534 Damn you. You're gonna pay for that. 931 01:09:37,716 --> 01:09:39,843 Ha! Uh-oh. 932 01:09:55,817 --> 01:09:56,860 ALL: Yo! 933 01:09:59,362 --> 01:10:00,405 [GRUNTS] 934 01:10:03,033 --> 01:10:06,161 [SINGING "NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEN"] 935 01:10:07,704 --> 01:10:10,624 Nobody knows my sorrow 936 01:10:12,292 --> 01:10:13,668 Shut up! 937 01:10:14,169 --> 01:10:16,671 Will you two morons knock it off! 938 01:10:16,880 --> 01:10:19,674 We've got an international incident going on here! 939 01:10:20,884 --> 01:10:22,677 [IMITATES TRUMPET] 940 01:10:23,178 --> 01:10:25,639 - I knew you'd come. - Ja, danke. 941 01:10:25,847 --> 01:10:29,184 - You may thank Mrs. Feldman. - Who is Mrs. Feldman? 942 01:10:29,392 --> 01:10:32,771 You know Mrs. Feldman, a member of the defunct C.O.P. team. 943 01:10:33,605 --> 01:10:35,607 [ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 944 01:10:39,819 --> 01:10:42,364 This is Sgt. Mahoney in pursuit of a stolen police car. 945 01:10:42,530 --> 01:10:44,699 I'm headed towards the Williams County air show. 946 01:10:44,908 --> 01:10:49,079 Repeat, I'm pursing four escapees toward the Williams County air show. 947 01:10:49,579 --> 01:10:52,123 MAN [OVER PA]: Now, folks, making his second appearance... 948 01:10:52,290 --> 01:10:55,335 ...at the Williams County air show... 949 01:10:57,420 --> 01:10:58,964 MAN: Hey, hey, hey! 950 01:11:00,173 --> 01:11:01,174 Whoa! 951 01:11:05,387 --> 01:11:07,806 MAN 2: Look out for that car! MAN 3: What car? 952 01:11:08,974 --> 01:11:11,393 That car! Come on, get out! 953 01:11:13,228 --> 01:11:14,562 Come on! 954 01:11:15,897 --> 01:11:17,649 Let's get out of here! 955 01:11:19,651 --> 01:11:20,944 Hurry UP! 956 01:11:24,155 --> 01:11:25,240 [SIREN WAILING] 957 01:11:25,407 --> 01:11:26,825 [SCREAMS] 958 01:12:04,070 --> 01:12:05,280 [MAN SCREAMS] 959 01:12:10,493 --> 01:12:13,997 This is where I draw the line. I'm not going up in one of those things. 960 01:12:14,205 --> 01:12:17,208 - No way. No, sirree. - You don't have to. 961 01:12:38,480 --> 01:12:40,190 MATTSON: Hey! 962 01:12:40,815 --> 01:12:42,859 YOU can open your eyes HOW. 963 01:12:43,360 --> 01:12:45,987 How can you like this better than my driving? 964 01:12:46,196 --> 01:12:49,491 Because you can't do this in a car. 965 01:12:57,499 --> 01:12:59,167 [MAHONEY YELLING] 966 01:13:07,967 --> 01:13:09,552 HARRIS: Grab that balloon! 967 01:13:10,470 --> 01:13:12,764 We commandeer this balloon in the name of the law! 968 01:13:12,972 --> 01:13:16,684 - No, wait, you can't! - You can't do that. We need it for the race. 969 01:13:27,570 --> 01:13:32,200 Mrs. Feldman, stay with the car. Zed, Sweetchuck, follow me. 970 01:13:34,702 --> 01:13:37,914 SWEETCHUCK: Guys, wait up! Tackleberry. 971 01:13:38,832 --> 01:13:40,500 - What do I pull? - Take it up! 972 01:13:40,708 --> 01:13:44,129 - They're getting away! Let's go! - We are going up, sir. 973 01:13:50,844 --> 01:13:54,222 Come on! Drop the parachute! 974 01:13:55,140 --> 01:13:56,724 Stop screwing around! 975 01:13:57,600 --> 01:14:00,687 - Come on! Drop the parachute! - Come on! 976 01:14:00,895 --> 01:14:03,523 If he doesn't want to do it, don't push him. 977 01:14:03,731 --> 01:14:06,025 He's gotta, like, wanna help himself. 978 01:14:13,241 --> 01:14:15,577 HARRIS: You land that balloon right now! 979 01:14:15,869 --> 01:14:19,164 This is Capt. Harris! You are under arrest! 980 01:14:19,372 --> 01:14:22,125 Land that balloon now! 981 01:14:24,586 --> 01:14:28,256 - I'll just blast them out of the sky, sir. - No! Not yet. 982 01:14:28,798 --> 01:14:32,260 You're right. I should give them a warning shot first. 983 01:14:37,557 --> 01:14:40,602 HARRIS: imbecile! Are you happy now? 984 01:14:41,186 --> 01:14:43,688 PROCTOR: At least it looks like we're coming down in the river. 985 01:14:43,897 --> 01:14:47,400 HARRIS: It won't matter because you're going to be dead! 986 01:14:47,609 --> 01:14:48,776 PROCTOR: Pretty view-- 987 01:14:48,943 --> 01:14:50,820 [BOTH GRUNTING] 988 01:14:51,446 --> 01:14:53,114 [BOTH YELLING] 989 01:14:53,531 --> 01:14:55,992 PROCTOR: I hate water! 990 01:15:00,205 --> 01:15:01,831 PROCTOR: Help! 991 01:15:03,291 --> 01:15:04,667 Help! 992 01:15:05,793 --> 01:15:09,297 - They're in the river. HOUSE: Hurry. Maybe we can catch them. 993 01:15:13,051 --> 01:15:15,637 MATTSON: I'll pull alongside Tackleberry. 994 01:15:20,767 --> 01:15:23,269 Look, I see my house! 995 01:15:23,853 --> 01:15:25,522 Look, the crooks! 996 01:15:26,898 --> 01:15:29,776 - Whoa! - Let's go get them, okay? 997 01:15:43,206 --> 01:15:44,666 PROCTOR: Hang on, sir! 998 01:15:44,832 --> 01:15:46,834 [SCREAMING] 999 01:15:49,045 --> 01:15:52,215 ARNIE: Hurry, before they go over the falls! - There they go! 1000 01:15:55,510 --> 01:15:56,886 Get a rope! 1001 01:15:58,012 --> 01:15:59,889 PROCTOR: Hang on. Hang on, sir! 1002 01:16:02,517 --> 01:16:04,852 Hang on, we'll come and get you! 1003 01:16:12,277 --> 01:16:13,528 PROCTOR: Grab it! 1004 01:16:27,959 --> 01:16:29,836 [ALL YELLING] 1005 01:16:34,757 --> 01:16:36,217 Try to relax! 1006 01:16:41,264 --> 01:16:42,890 [WHIMPERING] 1007 01:16:48,855 --> 01:16:51,941 There's the balloon! Now I've got them. 1008 01:17:03,411 --> 01:17:07,832 There's only one way to do this and it's up to me! 1009 01:17:09,125 --> 01:17:12,962 - Take over! - He was talking to you! 1010 01:17:13,713 --> 01:17:16,466 If you're coming back, bring some beer! 1011 01:17:22,972 --> 01:17:24,724 Oomph! 1012 01:17:24,974 --> 01:17:28,561 - No. He was talking to you. - No, I heard him. 1013 01:17:28,770 --> 01:17:33,191 - He said, "Sweetchuck, take over." - No, he did not. 1014 01:17:33,399 --> 01:17:35,068 [BOTH SCREAM] 1015 01:17:36,444 --> 01:17:39,656 SWEETCHUCK: Get off of my foot! ZED: Shut up! Why are you always whining? 1016 01:17:39,864 --> 01:17:41,699 SWEETCHUCK: Leave me alone! 1017 01:18:12,146 --> 01:18:15,858 Gentlemen, may I see your license and registration, please? 1018 01:18:16,818 --> 01:18:21,698 There they are. Take it down. I want to get close. Get closer. 1019 01:18:26,077 --> 01:18:29,205 Mahoney, what are you doing? 1020 01:18:29,664 --> 01:18:31,165 Get in closer! 1021 01:18:44,262 --> 01:18:46,556 What do you think you're doing? 1022 01:18:51,227 --> 01:18:53,438 I'll take care of you, copper! 1023 01:18:54,522 --> 01:18:57,191 Get off my wing! Get off of there! 1024 01:18:57,400 --> 01:18:59,485 MAHONEY: What will you do about them? 1025 01:19:01,237 --> 01:19:03,030 [SCREAMS] 1026 01:19:06,701 --> 01:19:09,954 Pal, it's over. Let's go home. 1027 01:19:12,874 --> 01:19:16,294 - I hate you. - I'm not really thrilled about you! 1028 01:19:16,961 --> 01:19:20,965 - Why don't you lose some weight? ZED: Why don't you get out and walk? 1029 01:19:24,010 --> 01:19:27,054 ZED: I'm going to be sick! SWEETCHUCK: I don't have a parachute! 1030 01:19:27,263 --> 01:19:31,267 ZED: Shut up! I'm going to be sick! SWEETCHUCK: Don't be sick on me! 1031 01:19:31,893 --> 01:19:33,895 [ZED SCREAMING] 1032 01:19:41,944 --> 01:19:44,864 SWEETCHUCK: I don't have a chute! ZED: Break your fall! 1033 01:19:45,072 --> 01:19:48,284 ZED: Hit the kids! SWEETCHUCK: No, I need a chute! 1034 01:19:48,576 --> 01:19:50,369 ZED: Get your own! Get away from me! 1035 01:19:50,578 --> 01:19:52,163 SWEETCHUCK: Come on! 1036 01:19:53,206 --> 01:19:54,373 ZED: Let go! 1037 01:19:55,041 --> 01:19:57,418 I'll break you in half, you dweeb. 1038 01:19:57,627 --> 01:20:01,047 There, I opened the chute. Are you satisfied? Leave me alone! 1039 01:20:07,136 --> 01:20:10,556 SWEETCHUCK: I'm going to kill you! ZED: Shut up and enjoy the flight! 1040 01:20:15,770 --> 01:20:18,272 [BOTH GRUNTING AND MOANING] 1041 01:20:20,942 --> 01:20:22,109 SWEETCHUCK: Get off me! 1042 01:20:22,276 --> 01:20:24,278 [BOTH GRUNTING] 1043 01:20:28,825 --> 01:20:32,078 Commandant, they say your Citizens On Patrol group... 1044 01:20:32,286 --> 01:20:36,374 ...does many, many wonderful and crazy things. 1045 01:20:36,582 --> 01:20:38,960 [ALL CHUCKLING AND APPLAUDING] 1046 01:20:45,049 --> 01:20:48,845 I think Sgt. Mahoney deserves a special bow. 1047 01:20:49,262 --> 01:20:51,013 - Mahoney? WOMAN: All right! 1048 01:20:51,889 --> 01:20:53,850 LASSARD: Mahoney? 1049 01:20:54,433 --> 01:20:56,018 Mahoney! 1050 01:21:02,233 --> 01:21:03,359 Mahoney. 1051 01:21:03,818 --> 01:21:05,403 Get up! Look, it's Mahoney! 1052 01:21:05,611 --> 01:21:07,405 - Where? - Sorry. 1053 01:21:12,326 --> 01:21:14,662 - To the Academy. - To the Academy. 1054 01:21:21,586 --> 01:21:24,630 You know, you look a little like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. 1055 01:21:24,839 --> 01:21:26,591 - Yeah? - No! 1056 01:27:11,310 --> 01:27:13,312 [English - US - SDH]