1
00:00:00,039 --> 00:00:01,957
Hey, I think you have my parcel

2
00:00:02,023 --> 00:00:04,895
cos I've got another "Sorry we missed you"
note from the postman.

3
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:06,590
Yeah, here it is.
Came this morning.

4
00:00:06,656 --> 00:00:09,633
Great, thanks. I'm hoping they're
the scented candles for the toilet.

5
00:00:09,698 --> 00:00:11,160
That's the third one this week.

6
00:00:11,226 --> 00:00:13,480
I'm beginning to feel like
your own personal depot.

7
00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:16,664
It's the lazy bloody postman.
He refuses to come down our stairs.

8
00:00:16,730 --> 00:00:18,895
Much like your customers, then.

9
00:00:18,983 --> 00:00:21,139
At least it gives us an excuse
to see each other, eh?

10
00:00:21,204 --> 00:00:25,219
Perfect. Cos handing over bath supplies
is all I look for in a relationship.

11
00:00:25,285 --> 00:00:27,379
I know, I'm sorry.
I've been really busy with work.

12
00:00:27,444 --> 00:00:30,797
I will try to be more romantic from now on.
Oh, hang on.

13
00:00:30,863 --> 00:00:33,708
- I don't want a toilet candle.
- You haven't even seen them yet.

14
00:00:34,655 --> 00:00:35,878
Bloody packaging!

15
00:00:35,944 --> 00:00:37,886
- Yeah, definitely don't want one.
- What?

16
00:00:39,911 --> 00:00:44,511
Sync and corrections: minouhse
www.addic7ed.com

17
00:00:53,751 --> 00:00:56,249
Scented candles have arrived.

18
00:00:56,315 --> 00:00:57,742
There's post for you too, Jase.

19
00:00:57,808 --> 00:01:01,213
What scent of candle did you go for?
Lavender? Bergamot?

20
00:01:01,279 --> 00:01:04,346
They are for the toilets,
so I went for one called "Heavy Duty".

21
00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:06,799
Oh, sweet!
It's a Save The Date.

22
00:01:06,865 --> 00:01:08,724
The date?
What's it need saving from?

23
00:01:08,790 --> 00:01:12,895
It's an annoying fad. People warn you about
their precious event so far in advance

24
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,449
- you can never wriggle out of it.
- I don't want to wriggle out of it,

25
00:01:15,514 --> 00:01:18,366
- cos it's my brother's wedding!
- Congratulations on the wedding.

26
00:01:18,431 --> 00:01:20,095
And also on having a brother.

27
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,817
Yes, quite.
What brother is this?

28
00:01:21,883 --> 00:01:24,428
Darius. Daz.
Dazza.

29
00:01:24,494 --> 00:01:25,563
The Razzle Dazzle!

30
00:01:25,629 --> 00:01:27,303
- I must have mentioned Darius?
- Never.

31
00:01:27,368 --> 00:01:29,463
- Not once.
- He's been in Sicily for a while.

32
00:01:29,529 --> 00:01:34,182
But he's back now and he's getting
hitched to Phoebe on 14th June, venue TBC.

33
00:01:34,248 --> 00:01:37,547
"TBC"? Where's that, then?
The Big Cave?

34
00:01:37,613 --> 00:01:39,895
TBC is To Be Confirmed, you div.

35
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:42,863
It means... Oh, hang on.
It means they don't have a venue yet.

36
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,676
They should totally have the wedding here.

37
00:01:44,741 --> 00:01:48,388
- Aw, cheers, Marcus, that's well generous.
- Not for free, though.

38
00:01:48,454 --> 00:01:50,173
This is a huge opportunity for us.

39
00:01:50,238 --> 00:01:53,603
We're talking food, drinks, venue hire.
All at 25% mark-up.

40
00:01:53,669 --> 00:01:55,646
Okay, slightly less generous.

41
00:01:55,712 --> 00:01:57,895
Well, at least get Dazza
to have a look at it.

42
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,693
I've changed my mind,
Save The Dates are bloody ideal.

43
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,269
I haven't seen Daz for ages.
We've got so much catching up to do.

44
00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:08,079
Okay, well, you'll have to do it quickly

45
00:02:08,144 --> 00:02:10,050
because I need to pitch the shit
out of this bar.

46
00:02:10,115 --> 00:02:13,043
And I'll chip in with some of my
top wedding-y ideas as and when.

47
00:02:13,109 --> 00:02:16,627
For instance, see how you like this,
super-sized finger food.

48
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,960
Is that not just the same
as regular-sized normal food?

49
00:02:21,098 --> 00:02:23,776
It is, yeah.
But I've got tons more ideas in my locker.

50
00:02:23,842 --> 00:02:26,083
Then let's keep them there,
locked away where they belong.

51
00:02:26,148 --> 00:02:28,257
I've got this covered, thank you, Grumio.

52
00:02:28,987 --> 00:02:32,002
- Baby bro!
- Oi-oi, the Daz Man!

53
00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:33,565
Hi, welcome.

54
00:02:35,667 --> 00:02:40,215
So, this is our wine bar-cum-fully
integrated function venue.

55
00:02:40,281 --> 00:02:42,005
It used to be a toilet.

56
00:02:42,071 --> 00:02:45,630
Not that you can tell.
One can really make the space one's own.

57
00:02:45,716 --> 00:02:47,384
So have you done many weddings, then?

58
00:02:47,450 --> 00:02:49,820
- Yeah, yeah, loads.
- Gutted.

59
00:02:49,886 --> 00:02:52,328
She wants to do something
no-one's ever done before.

60
00:02:52,394 --> 00:02:54,175
- Don't get married, then.
- Classic.

61
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:58,478
I want my mates to think,
"Fuck me, this absolutely shits on my bash."

62
00:02:58,544 --> 00:02:59,556
Do you know what I mean?

63
00:02:59,622 --> 00:03:01,772
- What a lovely ambition.
- So what do you think, Daz?

64
00:03:01,837 --> 00:03:04,136
Yeah, yeah.
I've got used to the smell now.

65
00:03:04,202 --> 00:03:05,521
Babes?

66
00:03:05,587 --> 00:03:08,874
I don't know. It's dead gloomy.
Says more funeral than wedding to me.

67
00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:11,399
- It will be for Dazza.
- Classic again.

68
00:03:11,465 --> 00:03:13,651
Well, you'll be such a radiant bride,

69
00:03:13,716 --> 00:03:16,377
you'll light up the place
with your glowing aura.

70
00:03:17,525 --> 00:03:19,313
Yeah, maybe let's think about it.

71
00:03:19,379 --> 00:03:22,558
- Sure thing, doll.
- I'm gonna have to step in here, I'm sorry.

72
00:03:22,624 --> 00:03:25,108
Phoebe, love, you want summat fresh
and summat funky

73
00:03:25,174 --> 00:03:26,674
and we can absolutely do that,

74
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,519
but you don't want to fight the gloom.
You want to embrace it.

75
00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:31,819
- I want to embrace the gloom?
- Big time.

76
00:03:31,889 --> 00:03:34,011
Don't think of this as a dingy toilet.

77
00:03:34,076 --> 00:03:36,393
Think of it as an enchanted grotto.

78
00:03:36,459 --> 00:03:39,132
And this one's full of shit.
We've not done a wedding here before,

79
00:03:39,197 --> 00:03:40,651
but we'll bust a gut for you.

80
00:03:40,716 --> 00:03:44,197
We'll give you such a banging wedding
that your friends will be physically sick.

81
00:03:44,262 --> 00:03:45,741
I like the sound of that!

82
00:03:45,807 --> 00:03:47,690
So are you the wedding planner?

83
00:03:47,756 --> 00:03:49,492
That's really up to Marcus.

84
00:03:50,219 --> 00:03:51,495
If that's what you'd like.

85
00:03:57,716 --> 00:04:01,651
I never thought I'd say this, Grumio, but
well done for being so good with the bride.

86
00:04:01,716 --> 00:04:03,944
- You're welcome.
- Oi, it weren't just him!

87
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:07,325
And well done to you too, Jason,
for being so related to the groom.

88
00:04:07,391 --> 00:04:10,159
No worries. I think he might
even go through with this one.

89
00:04:10,225 --> 00:04:13,186
Hang on. "This one"?
There have been other ones?

90
00:04:13,252 --> 00:04:16,164
Three.
That's why he's been out of town.

91
00:04:16,230 --> 00:04:19,281
He had to lie low after he ran out on Bianca.
Or was it Dora?

92
00:04:19,347 --> 00:04:22,488
And you didn't think to mention
that the groom's a serial jilter?

93
00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:25,382
I told you his nickname, Marry-us Darius.

94
00:04:25,448 --> 00:04:28,060
No, you told us about 40 other nicknames,

95
00:04:28,126 --> 00:04:30,146
none of which
had any bearing on our business.

96
00:04:30,977 --> 00:04:33,609
It'll be fine.
He looks like he's ready to settle down now.

97
00:04:34,341 --> 00:04:35,552
Your mail, madam.

98
00:04:36,278 --> 00:04:37,651
Mr Postman.

99
00:04:37,716 --> 00:04:39,295
- Hermes.
- Yes, mate?

100
00:04:39,716 --> 00:04:41,811
I'm Marcus from The Crown And Toga.

101
00:04:42,397 --> 00:04:45,157
You won't recognise me
cos you never hand me my parcels.

102
00:04:45,223 --> 00:04:47,006
Maybe that's because you're never in.

103
00:04:47,072 --> 00:04:48,651
No, no.
I am always in.

104
00:04:48,724 --> 00:04:51,140
You would see that
if you came down the stairs.

105
00:04:51,206 --> 00:04:53,997
We're not meant to do stairs, though.
We knock and you come up.

106
00:04:54,063 --> 00:04:56,681
But I can't hear you
because I am down the stairs.

107
00:04:56,747 --> 00:04:58,826
I left the parcel with your neighbour,
so what's the issue?

108
00:04:58,891 --> 00:05:02,391
The issue is that my neighbour
is also my sort-of girlfriend,

109
00:05:02,457 --> 00:05:05,790
and all this parcel passing is putting
a real strain on our relationship.

110
00:05:05,856 --> 00:05:07,605
Okay, I'm sorry about that.

111
00:05:07,671 --> 00:05:08,945
See, I don't think you are.

112
00:05:09,011 --> 00:05:11,977
I don't think you're sorry
in the "sorry we missed you" notes either.

113
00:05:12,042 --> 00:05:13,305
They're pre-written, so...

114
00:05:13,371 --> 00:05:15,421
Just come down the stairs next time, please?

115
00:05:15,487 --> 00:05:17,285
Okay, sure thing, mate.

116
00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:20,297
- I mean, he won't, will?
- No. No chance.

117
00:05:26,278 --> 00:05:30,011
May I start by congratulating you both
on your engagement?

118
00:05:30,076 --> 00:05:33,262
- He thinks you're the groom, Grumio!
- No, no, no.

119
00:05:33,328 --> 00:05:36,339
I'm far more important than that,
I'm the wedding planner.

120
00:05:36,405 --> 00:05:37,648
My sincerest apologies.

121
00:05:37,714 --> 00:05:40,571
And I'm planning on planning
the wedding of the year.

122
00:05:40,644 --> 00:05:43,807
It's gotta be outrageous.
But not daft.

123
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:46,289
Think wacky, but not tacky,
if you know what I mean.

124
00:05:46,355 --> 00:05:49,845
I understand completely.
Well, if it's outrageous you're after,

125
00:05:49,911 --> 00:05:51,564
this range of napkins

126
00:05:51,630 --> 00:05:54,347
features a rather daring stripe
across the edge.

127
00:05:54,628 --> 00:05:57,038
Listen, lad,
we're tearing up the rulebook here,

128
00:05:57,104 --> 00:05:59,271
so your stripy napkins aren't gonna cut it.

129
00:05:59,337 --> 00:06:00,913
We want flora, we want fauna,

130
00:06:00,979 --> 00:06:04,555
- we want a great big fuck-off wedding cake.
- That is our speciality.

131
00:06:04,621 --> 00:06:06,621
We could always arrange a tasting
if you like?

132
00:06:06,716 --> 00:06:08,775
Mm, now he's talking sense.

133
00:06:08,841 --> 00:06:10,971
Looks like I might need
that napkin after all.

134
00:06:52,849 --> 00:06:55,956
I was thinking of something like this
as the bride walks down the aisle.

135
00:06:56,021 --> 00:06:58,011
Maybe even with a choral element.

136
00:06:59,213 --> 00:07:01,651
No, fuck no!
No squeaky singing.

137
00:07:01,716 --> 00:07:04,943
Your post and four bottles of plonk,
please, Aurelius.

138
00:07:05,009 --> 00:07:07,378
- Hang on, what do you need them for?
- I'm taking Razzle Dazzle out.

139
00:07:07,443 --> 00:07:09,764
- This is for the pre-lash at ours.
- Four bottles?!

140
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:13,175
- And that's not even the main lash?
- Yeah. Better make it eight.

141
00:07:13,241 --> 00:07:16,438
No, as in we cannot have
Razzle Dazzle going out on the piss

142
00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:19,530
- and spaffing up another wedding.
- Relax, nothing's gonna happen.

143
00:07:19,596 --> 00:07:21,168
He's just having a last hurrah.

144
00:07:21,234 --> 00:07:24,599
Right. Doesn't "last hurrah" usually
mean sleeping with someone else?

145
00:07:24,665 --> 00:07:25,880
Not necessarilly.

146
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:28,651
- Pretty sure it does, actually.
- And given his track record,

147
00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:31,651
would it not just be one more hurrah
in a long series of hurrahs?

148
00:07:31,716 --> 00:07:34,331
Let's not call it a hurrah, then.
Let's call it a small wahoo.

149
00:07:34,396 --> 00:07:36,859
Why have we got a bill
from the Emporium for two grand?

150
00:07:36,925 --> 00:07:38,705
I know, and that's just the flora.

151
00:07:38,771 --> 00:07:41,651
The fauna's having to come from
a different specialist supplier.

152
00:07:41,717 --> 00:07:43,053
Please don't say landlord.

153
00:07:43,119 --> 00:07:46,534
He were the only one who could source the
enchanted beasts for the grotto, mate.

154
00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:50,096
And he's conducting the ceremony,
all for a mere three grand.

155
00:07:50,858 --> 00:07:53,903
And did Phoebe lay down a deposit,
by any chance?

156
00:07:53,969 --> 00:07:57,011
- She did use the bogs at the Emporium, yes.
- No, money!

157
00:07:57,076 --> 00:07:59,651
Did she give you money up front as security?

158
00:07:59,716 --> 00:08:03,122
No, but her dad's a fish paste tycoon
or summat, so he'll be stinking rich.

159
00:08:03,188 --> 00:08:04,240
And stinking generally.

160
00:08:04,306 --> 00:08:07,240
And me and Phoebs are bezzies,
so that's all the security you need.

161
00:08:08,076 --> 00:08:11,651
Okay. There'll be no hurrahs,
wahoos, or even yippees.

162
00:08:11,716 --> 00:08:14,356
No booze, no women, in fact, no going out.

163
00:08:14,422 --> 00:08:17,651
Nothing that can in any way
jeopardise this wedding.

164
00:08:18,779 --> 00:08:22,342
"Sorry we missed you" again!
That lazy bastard postman twat!

165
00:08:23,302 --> 00:08:26,269
- Just give me two bottles.
- No, do not give him anything.

166
00:08:29,716 --> 00:08:32,229
Salve, Gloria.
Surprise!

167
00:08:32,295 --> 00:08:34,974
Thank you.
They are amazing.

168
00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:38,135
What?
You haven't even seen them yet.

169
00:08:38,249 --> 00:08:41,252
Yeah, I have.
They were delivered this afternoon.

170
00:08:41,318 --> 00:08:44,549
- Barney signed for them while I was out.
- Ah, wow...

171
00:08:44,615 --> 00:08:47,651
This is like a creepy stalker amount
of flowers.

172
00:08:47,716 --> 00:08:49,251
This must have cost a shit-load.

173
00:08:49,317 --> 00:08:50,871
A couple of shit-loads to be fair.

174
00:08:50,937 --> 00:08:52,651
Oh, my Jove.
Not more?

175
00:08:53,637 --> 00:08:55,431
Yep.
Just a few more.

176
00:08:55,497 --> 00:08:57,585
To really fill in the gaps...

177
00:08:57,796 --> 00:08:59,552
You are a nutcase.

178
00:08:59,716 --> 00:09:02,898
A romantic one, but a nutcase all the same.

179
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:11,152
You what? What do you mean
we're not going to Boob Alley?

180
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,580
- Is this a wind-up?
- No.

181
00:09:12,646 --> 00:09:14,993
I thought I'd take you
somewhere even better,

182
00:09:15,059 --> 00:09:17,374
on a trip down memory lane.

183
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,122
Where's that?
That sounds shit?

184
00:09:19,188 --> 00:09:21,357
No, it's not a place, it's our past.

185
00:09:21,423 --> 00:09:24,700
In a shoebox. Mum gave it to me
when she was having a clear out.

186
00:09:24,766 --> 00:09:27,323
A shoebox?
Is there even any booze in there?

187
00:09:27,389 --> 00:09:30,899
No, it's more like letters
and school reports.

188
00:09:30,965 --> 00:09:33,730
- I want to go out!
- No, Daz, you can't, please.

189
00:09:33,796 --> 00:09:36,541
Not this time.
I'm sorry.

190
00:09:36,607 --> 00:09:39,511
Just give the box a chance, for me.

191
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,442
Skanky Bear!

192
00:09:41,508 --> 00:09:44,077
Look, Daz, it's Skanky Bear!

193
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:52,522
"But Darius's ability to learn
algebra will be much improved"

194
00:09:52,588 --> 00:09:55,777
"if he wasn't always trying
to take his top off in lessons."

195
00:09:56,098 --> 00:09:58,651
These abs will not be contained!

196
00:09:58,716 --> 00:10:00,611
Look at this, my jacks!

197
00:10:00,757 --> 00:10:03,011
We used to stay up
all night playing with these.

198
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:05,651
This was a great idea, bro.

199
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:07,651
"My darling Darius..."

200
00:10:07,716 --> 00:10:11,860
Oh, here we go!
This is the good stuff. Who's Mel?

201
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:14,492
Melissa Russo.
My first ever girlfriend.

202
00:10:14,558 --> 00:10:16,831
Yeah, I remember.
With the bunches!

203
00:10:17,972 --> 00:10:22,027
"When you nicked one of my chips
at lunch, my heart exploded."

204
00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:25,467
Melissa Russo.
Haven't thought about her for yonks.

205
00:10:25,533 --> 00:10:30,396
Look! It's the wonky cup you made.
You gave this to Mum for her birthday.

206
00:10:31,077 --> 00:10:33,938
- Daz.
- Hang on a minute, bro.

207
00:10:34,004 --> 00:10:36,713
This letter's quite intense.
Got any more of these?

208
00:10:37,605 --> 00:10:38,942
Here you are.

209
00:10:45,716 --> 00:10:49,742
I had him tucked up in bed by midnight,
sober and completely alone.

210
00:10:49,808 --> 00:10:51,149
Okay, great.

211
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:54,517
Now if we just steer clear of the
tiny fusspot, we might be all right.

212
00:10:55,203 --> 00:10:57,651
Where's my unicorn?
You promised me a unicorn.

213
00:10:57,716 --> 00:11:00,778
Yeah, they're not as real
as I thought, sadly.

214
00:11:00,844 --> 00:11:03,468
You could always glue a cone
on one of the weasels.

215
00:11:03,534 --> 00:11:05,651
I'm not glueing cones on dead weasels, mate.

216
00:11:05,716 --> 00:11:07,328
What fauna have we got that's alive?

217
00:11:07,394 --> 00:11:09,331
The doves are alive, I reckon.

218
00:11:10,123 --> 00:11:11,334
Yeah, they're alive.

219
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,101
And I'm still waiting on about
two grands' worth of flora.

220
00:11:14,182 --> 00:11:17,017
Ah, yes.
You might be waiting a while.

221
00:11:17,083 --> 00:11:18,539
You what?
Why's that?

222
00:11:18,605 --> 00:11:22,534
- Because I reallocated them.
- Jove on high!

223
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,718
I'm trying to organise
the wedding of the year here

224
00:11:24,783 --> 00:11:27,013
and you lot are shitting all over it!

225
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:31,019
Pheebs?
What are you doing here?

226
00:11:31,085 --> 00:11:33,355
You're meant to be getting
a mani-pedi before the big day.

227
00:11:33,420 --> 00:11:36,735
There's not gonna be a big day.
Darius called it off!

228
00:11:36,801 --> 00:11:39,301
He's still in love with his ex-girlfriend!

229
00:11:42,164 --> 00:11:45,514
Oh, okay.
I see what's happened here.

230
00:11:47,755 --> 00:11:51,493
I guess reading letters from his ex must
have, like, triggered certain feelings.

231
00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:54,062
Well, why was he reading letters
from his ex, at all?

232
00:11:54,128 --> 00:11:56,269
Because they were in
this old memory box that I dug out.

233
00:11:56,334 --> 00:11:57,997
I was trying to do what you said.

234
00:11:58,063 --> 00:12:00,272
You know, distract him from booze and birds.

235
00:12:00,338 --> 00:12:02,651
Oh, cool.
Great stuff.

236
00:12:02,716 --> 00:12:04,691
Cos that worked really well, didn't it.

237
00:12:04,756 --> 00:12:07,193
Steady on, I wasn't the one
pushing for him to have the wedding

238
00:12:07,258 --> 00:12:08,908
in this dingy shit-hole, was I?

239
00:12:08,974 --> 00:12:11,521
Hang about, mate.
Don't blame the dinge.

240
00:12:11,587 --> 00:12:14,761
This were gonna be a luminous grotto
for the stoats and weasels.

241
00:12:14,827 --> 00:12:17,688
Which will need paying for.
Wedding or no wedding.

242
00:12:17,754 --> 00:12:20,501
This is why you get a deposit,
you luminous twat,

243
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:23,414
cos it doesn't really matter if the
bride's bezzies with the wedding planner,

244
00:12:23,479 --> 00:12:25,779
if she's not all that close to the groom.

245
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:28,434
- Maybe, he's just having a wobble.
- So, stop him wobbling, then.

246
00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:30,711
Sit on him.
Tie him to a tree, whatever it takes.

247
00:12:30,777 --> 00:12:33,634
And, Grumio, you're taking
those flowers back to the Emporium.

248
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:35,390
I thought they'd been reallocated.

249
00:12:35,456 --> 00:12:38,536
Well, there'll just have to be
re-reallocated.

250
00:12:41,837 --> 00:12:43,830
Marius Darius strikes again.

251
00:12:43,896 --> 00:12:45,991
Are you trying for some sort of record?

252
00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:48,173
I've only got you to thank
for this one, bro.

253
00:12:48,239 --> 00:12:49,780
Not exactly what I was aiming for.

254
00:12:49,846 --> 00:12:53,114
You cracking open that shoebox
was like the universe's way of saying,

255
00:12:53,180 --> 00:12:55,691
"Daz, you are making a huge mistake."

256
00:12:55,756 --> 00:12:57,400
"You should be with Mel."

257
00:12:57,466 --> 00:13:00,156
Or was it the universe's way of saying,

258
00:13:00,222 --> 00:13:04,055
"That stuff's in the past, Daz,
leave it there, you stupid prick"?

259
00:13:04,716 --> 00:13:06,990
What I mean is,
what do you really know about Mel?

260
00:13:07,056 --> 00:13:08,651
I mean, she could be old and haggard by now.

261
00:13:08,716 --> 00:13:10,851
She's not gonna have got older than me,
that wouldn't work, would it?

262
00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:14,149
Yeah, but maybe she hasn't kept up
with your amazing skincare regime?

263
00:13:14,215 --> 00:13:16,150
Or she could've popped out a few sprogs.

264
00:13:16,216 --> 00:13:18,651
I'll just raise them as my own.
The more the merrier.

265
00:13:18,716 --> 00:13:20,310
What if she just doesn't love you any more?

266
00:13:20,375 --> 00:13:23,651
Well, she'll just have to say that
to my face. When I track her down.

267
00:13:23,956 --> 00:13:27,580
And, I mean, is there any way
you could marry Phoebe,

268
00:13:27,646 --> 00:13:31,279
then track her down? You know, just to
cover yourself, and your bro, and his bar.

269
00:13:31,345 --> 00:13:34,887
Sorry, bro, me and Mel
are gonna be together forever.

270
00:13:34,953 --> 00:13:37,541
I just know it.
Sixth time lucky.

271
00:13:37,607 --> 00:13:39,383
What, I thought you were number four?

272
00:13:39,449 --> 00:13:42,283
- There are a couple in Sicily, yeah.
- Oh, for God's sake.

273
00:13:44,627 --> 00:13:45,830
I'm just gonna come clean.

274
00:13:45,896 --> 00:13:49,202
Admit there was a mix-up with the flowers
and apologise profusely.

275
00:13:49,268 --> 00:13:51,268
Honesty really is the best policy.

276
00:13:52,716 --> 00:13:53,916
Gloria!

277
00:13:54,591 --> 00:13:56,302
Is there anybody in?

278
00:13:58,775 --> 00:14:01,005
So, what's the second best policy?

279
00:14:22,372 --> 00:14:26,097
So, I've spoken to my manager
and I'm afraid we can't accept these.

280
00:14:26,163 --> 00:14:27,763
What?
Why not?

281
00:14:27,829 --> 00:14:29,957
Our returns policy doesn't allow perishables.

282
00:14:30,023 --> 00:14:32,812
Ah, they might be perishable,
but they haven't perished.

283
00:14:32,878 --> 00:14:34,332
These are bloody sprightly, mate.

284
00:14:34,397 --> 00:14:38,001
Well, nevertheless, they can't be returned,
nor can the cake you ordered.

285
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:41,027
- We've not even received that, yet.
- Yes, but it's fully baked.

286
00:14:41,093 --> 00:14:43,672
And topped with the names,
Phoebe and Darius,

287
00:14:43,738 --> 00:14:46,650
so you'll be receiving another
invoice from us for 200 denarii...

288
00:14:46,716 --> 00:14:48,246
200?
For a cake?!

289
00:14:48,645 --> 00:14:51,405
That's 200 per tier, sir.

290
00:14:51,471 --> 00:14:53,435
Oh, no.
Oh, please, God.

291
00:14:53,716 --> 00:14:56,539
- How many tiers is it?
- Well, I had wanted 12,

292
00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:59,020
but I had to settle on eight
for safety reasons.

293
00:15:00,294 --> 00:15:03,335
On the plus side,
we do get an absolutely huge cake.

294
00:15:07,716 --> 00:15:09,851
All right, bro?
Didn't expect you back.

295
00:15:09,916 --> 00:15:13,837
Yeah, listen, I've got some really
big news, so you better sit down.

296
00:15:13,903 --> 00:15:15,105
I'm already lying down.

297
00:15:15,171 --> 00:15:16,652
So, sit up, then.

298
00:15:17,557 --> 00:15:19,565
Right, so,
I was putting away that old shoebox

299
00:15:19,631 --> 00:15:23,218
and I found another letter from Mel
from a year ago, when you was away.

300
00:15:23,284 --> 00:15:26,694
- Mum must have slipped it in with the others.
- Well, what does it say?

301
00:15:26,975 --> 00:15:30,658
"Dearest, Darius,
I've got some well dark news."

302
00:15:30,724 --> 00:15:33,289
"I've only gone and caught
a bloody wasting disease."

303
00:15:33,355 --> 00:15:35,311
"I've got just a few weeks to live,"

304
00:15:35,377 --> 00:15:37,776
"so I'm writing to say goodbye, forever."

305
00:15:37,842 --> 00:15:42,496
"You must find happiness
and marry someone else ASAP."

306
00:15:42,562 --> 00:15:44,834
"Love Mel-issa."

307
00:15:45,977 --> 00:15:47,182
That is dark.

308
00:15:47,248 --> 00:15:49,440
I am so sorry, bro.

309
00:15:49,506 --> 00:15:51,795
- Maybe she recovered?
- No way.

310
00:15:51,861 --> 00:15:54,157
She only had a few weeks to live
and that was a year ago.

311
00:15:54,222 --> 00:15:56,075
She's probably a skeleton by now.

312
00:15:56,966 --> 00:15:58,827
Well, let's see, shall we?
Mel?!

313
00:15:58,893 --> 00:16:01,290
Can you come here a sec, my brother's here.

314
00:16:02,046 --> 00:16:05,027
Oh, hiya, Jason.
Sorry, I was just in the bog.

315
00:16:05,093 --> 00:16:07,345
Hi, Mel, you look well.

316
00:16:07,411 --> 00:16:09,401
You've not had a wasting disease,
have you, babe?

317
00:16:09,466 --> 00:16:11,486
I wish!
This diet's doing F-all.

318
00:16:11,552 --> 00:16:13,309
Leave it out, you're gorge.

319
00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:15,174
How did you track her down so fast?

320
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,515
She left her address
on the envelopes, you doughnut!

321
00:16:18,297 --> 00:16:21,406
The ones she wrote,
not that crap you knocked up.

322
00:16:22,645 --> 00:16:23,896
Classic!

323
00:16:25,333 --> 00:16:27,851
I think this time he's ready
to settle down, I'm afraid.

324
00:16:27,917 --> 00:16:31,788
Right, and I can't interest them in an
enchanted grotto-themed wedding, can I?

325
00:16:31,854 --> 00:16:34,271
They're moving to Spain together
for a fresh start.

326
00:16:34,337 --> 00:16:35,583
It's quite sweet, actually.

327
00:16:35,649 --> 00:16:37,001
Oh, how lovely.

328
00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:40,003
Forgive me if I don't jump for joy,
now that we are royally fucked.

329
00:16:40,069 --> 00:16:42,004
Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

330
00:16:42,070 --> 00:16:44,851
Get Phoebe to pay for it, anyway.
Her dad's loaded, right?

331
00:16:45,890 --> 00:16:49,438
- All right, Marcus?
- Gloria! Hey, how's it going?

332
00:16:49,504 --> 00:16:52,355
Yeah, fine, thanks,
apart from being burgled earlier, that is.

333
00:16:52,421 --> 00:16:54,356
What?! Burgled?
No...

334
00:16:54,422 --> 00:16:57,136
Weirdly, the thieves only stole
the flowers you bought me.

335
00:16:57,202 --> 00:16:59,532
- That is weird.
- Yeah, they made quite a mess.

336
00:16:59,598 --> 00:17:01,885
Soil on the floor, pollen on the sofa.

337
00:17:01,951 --> 00:17:05,725
In fact, it was about the least
romantic gesture I can imagine.

338
00:17:06,236 --> 00:17:08,435
Oh, I'm sorry, genuinely.

339
00:17:08,501 --> 00:17:10,651
But the flowers were never meant
to be the gesture.

340
00:17:10,716 --> 00:17:12,925
- The little pink ones were, but...
- Do you know what, Marcus?

341
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,975
I'm too old and too busy

342
00:17:15,048 --> 00:17:17,088
to deal with this
playground bullshit, all right?

343
00:17:17,153 --> 00:17:19,213
I think we should just call it a day.

344
00:17:19,254 --> 00:17:23,032
No, no, please.
Look, I know I've been useless and flaky,

345
00:17:23,098 --> 00:17:26,501
but cards on the table, Gloria,
I really, really like you.

346
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:27,977
And I really want this to work.

347
00:17:28,043 --> 00:17:31,289
No more games or lies, I promise.
Just give me a chance to show you

348
00:17:31,355 --> 00:17:34,290
that I can be sincere, and straightforward

349
00:17:34,356 --> 00:17:37,446
and very, very romantic.

350
00:17:38,094 --> 00:17:39,589
Well, go on, then.

351
00:17:39,655 --> 00:17:43,329
Not now, though, I've just got to squeeze
some money from a jilted bride, first.

352
00:17:45,423 --> 00:17:48,398
Oh, it's pathetic, I can't stop crying.

353
00:17:48,464 --> 00:17:50,121
You let it all out, love.

354
00:17:50,187 --> 00:17:52,282
I can't believe it's over, Grumio.

355
00:17:52,599 --> 00:17:55,654
What a bastard.
Good riddance, I say.

356
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,415
Oh, I'm not talking about Darius.
Who cares about him?

357
00:17:58,481 --> 00:17:59,948
She means the wedding, dickhead.

358
00:18:00,014 --> 00:18:02,259
My mates were gonna be fuming,

359
00:18:02,325 --> 00:18:05,410
now they'll all have smug grins
on their stupid faces.

360
00:18:05,476 --> 00:18:09,651
Well, I'm sure you'll bounce back, find
other ways to make your friends miserable.

361
00:18:09,716 --> 00:18:11,001
Oh, thanks.

362
00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:13,636
So nice of you to come round
and cheer us up, lads.

363
00:18:14,897 --> 00:18:17,681
That's not the only reason
we've popped by, though, Phoebs.

364
00:18:17,747 --> 00:18:19,832
There's also the small matter of these bills

365
00:18:19,897 --> 00:18:23,020
for the flora and the fauna, and the cake.

366
00:18:23,086 --> 00:18:26,362
- But the wedding's been cancelled.
- No, I know, and that is such a shame.

367
00:18:26,427 --> 00:18:29,418
I got dumped.
Look at me, I'm a mess!

368
00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:33,080
But so are we, is the thing, if we don't
get this money, our bar will go under.

369
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,577
Oh, well, I'm sure you'll bounce back.

370
00:18:35,643 --> 00:18:38,244
Can I speak to your father about it,
perhaps?

371
00:18:38,310 --> 00:18:40,421
Explain the situation, find a compromise?

372
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,291
I wouldn't, he doesn't do them.

373
00:18:42,357 --> 00:18:43,936
Or beg?
I'm happy to beg.

374
00:18:44,002 --> 00:18:46,780
Listen, lad, the only way my dad will pay,

375
00:18:46,846 --> 00:18:49,551
is if he sees his daughter
walking down the aisle,

376
00:18:49,617 --> 00:18:51,422
and that's not gonna happen, is it?

377
00:18:52,604 --> 00:18:54,023
As your wedding planner,

378
00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:57,250
I might have had one final, outrageous idea.

379
00:19:39,711 --> 00:19:42,862
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
to join this man and woman

380
00:19:42,928 --> 00:19:45,656
in the sacred institution of marriage.

381
00:19:45,828 --> 00:19:48,984
Please place the ring on the finger
of the bride and repeat after me.

382
00:19:49,050 --> 00:19:51,615
I, Marcus Phillipus Valerius Gallo.

383
00:19:51,681 --> 00:19:54,325
I, Marcus Phillipus Valerius Gallo.

384
00:19:54,391 --> 00:19:57,005
Take thee, Phoebe Helen Populiana.

385
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,160
Take thee, Phoebe Helen Populiana.

386
00:19:59,226 --> 00:20:00,942
To be my lawful wedded wife.

387
00:20:01,007 --> 00:20:02,600
To be my...

388
00:20:04,033 --> 00:20:05,705
Lawful wedded wife.

389
00:20:06,487 --> 00:20:09,438
- Lawful wedded wife.
- Lawful wedded, yes, wife.

390
00:20:09,504 --> 00:20:11,806
Lovely.
Now, your turn, my darling. I...

391
00:20:11,872 --> 00:20:14,807
It's okay, I learnt it.
I, Phoebe Helen Populiana,

392
00:20:14,873 --> 00:20:17,480
take thee, Marcus Phillipus Valerius Gallo,

393
00:20:17,546 --> 00:20:20,143
to be my lawful wedded husband.
I do!

394
00:20:21,158 --> 00:20:23,086
Then, by the power vested in me,

395
00:20:23,152 --> 00:20:25,904
by the honourable Guild of Roman Landlords,

396
00:20:25,970 --> 00:20:28,449
I pronounce you man and wife.

397
00:20:30,675 --> 00:20:32,298
Go on, give her a kiss.

398
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:46,206
- It's not what it looks like!
- I take it back, Marcus,

399
00:20:46,271 --> 00:20:48,710
That was the least romantic gesture
that I can imagine.

400
00:20:48,776 --> 00:20:50,782
I had no choice!
I was going to lose the bar.

401
00:20:50,847 --> 00:20:52,134
It's actually quite convenient.

402
00:20:52,199 --> 00:20:55,055
I was coming down to dump you.
I don't have to now you're married.

403
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,372
Oh, come on, we can get through this.

404
00:20:57,438 --> 00:20:59,102
I've got a date tonight, anyway.

405
00:20:59,415 --> 00:21:00,836
You move fast.

406
00:21:01,487 --> 00:21:03,688
Who is the date with?
Out of interest.

407
00:21:03,754 --> 00:21:05,329
Have you met Hermes?

408
00:21:05,487 --> 00:21:08,143
What?!
Him! The bad postman!

409
00:21:08,209 --> 00:21:11,863
Yeah. Thanks to all your parcels,
I've been seeing a fair bit of him.

410
00:21:11,929 --> 00:21:13,806
So that's why
you never came down the stairs?

411
00:21:13,871 --> 00:21:15,422
You were just trying to steal my girlfriend.

412
00:21:15,487 --> 00:21:19,024
Yes and no.
We are genuinely not meant to do stairs.

413
00:21:19,090 --> 00:21:22,025
Well, I hope the two of you
are very happy together.

414
00:21:22,091 --> 00:21:23,358
Likewise.

415
00:21:27,306 --> 00:21:31,627
Now, ladies and gents,
gather round for the cutting of the cake.

416
00:21:33,054 --> 00:21:35,598
You know we're getting divorced as
soon as you're back from the honeymoon.

417
00:21:35,663 --> 00:21:37,394
Fine by me.
Where are we going, by the way?

418
00:21:37,459 --> 00:21:40,559
You're not going anywhere.
Me and Grumio are off to Sardinia.

419
00:21:40,625 --> 00:21:43,184
Release the doves, please!

420
00:21:47,798 --> 00:21:51,170
- Are those definitely doves?
- Doves, pigeons, same difference.

421
00:21:52,552 --> 00:21:55,807
Fuck, one of them shat in my eye!

422
00:22:01,010 --> 00:22:02,945
Let's have a bloody dance, mate!

423
00:22:03,237 --> 00:22:04,692
Ah, that's ace.

424
00:22:15,006 --> 00:22:19,606
Sync and corrections: minouhse
www.addic7ed.com