1 00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:10,219 THE MONKEY PRICKS OF DEBORA VANCE 2 00:00:11,095 --> 00:00:12,680 Those you love. 3 00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,558 Just like they do you. 4 00:00:15,641 --> 00:00:16,767 DEBORA'S NUTS! 5 00:00:16,851 --> 00:00:19,979 And you yourself. 6 00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:21,105 WEIGHT WATCHERS 7 00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:25,443 You are listening to the "Empty Head" meditation, 8 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:29,488 intended for people wanting to heal their relationship. 9 00:00:29,572 --> 00:00:31,490 Breathe out negative emotions. 10 00:00:31,574 --> 00:00:32,658 Ava! 11 00:00:33,826 --> 00:00:34,994 "Mario is so gay, 12 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:38,664 that when after birth The doctor slapped him and said... 13 00:00:38,748 --> 00:00:39,749 Can't you knock? 14 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,376 What does that have to do with spanking? 15 00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:45,713 Knock before you barge into my room. 16 00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:49,341 First of all, you're in my house. 17 00:00:49,425 --> 00:00:50,926 And this is no ordinary room. 18 00:00:51,010 --> 00:00:54,096 I dedicated it to my guests from the turn of the 1980s and 1990s. 19 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:55,723 I know. It's terrifying. 20 00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:58,726 You're shaking hands in the photos war criminals. 21 00:00:58,809 --> 00:01:03,147 -Can I hide some of them? - NO. Let's focus on the food. 22 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,150 "Mario is so gay, that when after birth 23 00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:08,068 The doctor slapped him and said... 24 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,571 "Turn around. Now it's my turn." 25 00:01:11,322 --> 00:01:15,034 Good! I leave the door open for it to air out. 26 00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:29,131 I had a phone… 27 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,347 As I said, 28 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,807 Late Night host… 29 00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:51,821 They are Poles. For some reason. 30 00:01:53,072 --> 00:01:56,742 Anyway, Danny Collins called me. 31 00:01:58,077 --> 00:01:59,495 He's leaving Late Night. 32 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:03,707 I waited over 40 years for your second chance. 33 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:05,543 Now it has to work. 34 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:08,420 This job will be mine. 35 00:02:10,256 --> 00:02:11,966 It made me freeze! 36 00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:13,884 Tap. I have goosebumps. 37 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,261 I don't know about this 38 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:18,055 but hasn't the station already chosen a successor? 39 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,975 This is usually how it works, but this time they can't decide. 40 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:23,978 And Deborah did great as a replacement housewife. 41 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:26,897 The chances are slim, but it's an opportunity There won't be a second time. 42 00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:28,399 It won't be an easy fight. 43 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:31,068 No stations have hired yet women in this band. 44 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:35,072 Or someone as old as me. Especially blondes. 45 00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:37,616 It would be easier to become president. 46 00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:39,201 So maybe we'll try? 47 00:02:39,285 --> 00:02:42,246 I would like to rule these gardens. 48 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,081 But when I visit the White House, 49 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,584 - seems tight to me. - Totally. 50 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,836 The coming weeks will be crucial. 51 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:52,464 I have to be even funnier than usual. 52 00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:55,676 So Ava generously she agreed to come here 53 00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,428 and take a break from work for us. 54 00:02:57,511 --> 00:03:00,848 First, my roast. Shall we invite someone from the station? 55 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:02,600 - I'm working on this matter. - Excellent. 56 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:06,562 More importantly, Damien, order me lymphatic drainage and laser. 57 00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:09,356 - And you, Ava, fire the new writers. - I'm listening? 58 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,734 They are waiting in her office. It's been quite a long time. 59 00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:13,277 I gave them peanuts. 60 00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:17,281 Are you kidding? I can't fire them. Do we know each other. 61 00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:21,035 I can't afford new enemies. 62 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,745 This... will soften the blow. 63 00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:24,622 Seriously? 64 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,166 NO! Where are you going? 65 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:28,876 Jimmy, tell her... 66 00:03:33,172 --> 00:03:35,925 Like someone was making French toast all the time. 67 00:03:36,008 --> 00:03:37,426 But he doesn't do them. 68 00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:40,763 The kitchen is empty. At least that's what I think. 69 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:43,557 How's it going, dudes? 70 00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:45,225 - Ava? - Hi! 71 00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:46,852 This is me. 72 00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:48,812 Do you like Vegas? 73 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:50,356 It's okay. 74 00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:52,149 Although a bit strange. 75 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,151 You can't buy vegetables anywhere. 76 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,778 I have news... 77 00:03:56,946 --> 00:03:58,155 from Big D 78 00:03:59,198 --> 00:04:01,742 How do I put this? 79 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:04,286 Remember in Ice Age 80 00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:06,997 Scrat abandoned the puffin's twins, 81 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,832 to sail back to the island, 82 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,502 because on an iceberg was there no room for them anymore? 83 00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:15,297 - Are you firing us? - NO! 84 00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:16,590 - Yes. - What?! 85 00:04:16,674 --> 00:04:18,550 - Oh God. - It's for your own good. 86 00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:21,553 - You don't want to be here. - It's your fault. 87 00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,639 - How so? - You're ballast. 88 00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:26,558 And it's been happening since I was a student. You're not funny. 89 00:04:26,642 --> 00:04:28,477 - Probably you! - You can't write jokes. 90 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,397 - That's why she fired us! - You're watching 30 Rockefeller Plaza, 91 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,067 you change one word in Carlock's text, and then you pretend to be a professional. 92 00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:37,528 Stop comparing me with Robert Carlock. 93 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:38,821 It was terrible. 94 00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:40,114 You will quickly forget about it. 95 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,658 Probably never. One of them was crying. 96 00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:43,909 And that's good. 97 00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:47,663 Those who don't cry then they go to the labor court. 98 00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:49,873 Sorry to disturb you 99 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,959 but I'm on the line with roast producers and... 100 00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:54,962 Don't worry, they're quiet. They say the funniest thing is 101 00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:58,549 when someone in the family roasts guest of honor. They suggested a DJ. 102 00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,967 Out of the question. 103 00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:03,595 Or... Kathy Vance. Your sister. 104 00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:05,764 - I'll ask the DJ. - Great. 105 00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:08,517 She is delighted with this idea. 106 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,311 - He'll call his daughter. - I wanted to show you something. 107 00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:12,855 This is Damien's work. 108 00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:16,150 Full body photos roast participants. 109 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:19,486 We will focus on their appearance and we will laugh at the flaws. 110 00:05:21,030 --> 00:05:24,074 I just wanted to point out that roasts are evil. 111 00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:25,868 Everything about them is problematic. 112 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,954 The material is of low quality, almost always degrades women 113 00:05:29,038 --> 00:05:30,414 and other marginalized groups. 114 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:33,250 It touches on fascism. 115 00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:39,173 So I have a question: maybe we will redefine the concept of roast 116 00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:40,924 and we will focus on kindness? 117 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,342 I have a question too. 118 00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:44,386 What rhymes with flat tits? 119 00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:47,806 - I'll check online. - Excellent. 120 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:49,850 Good morning, Mrs. Vance. 121 00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:52,770 April, I missed you! 122 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,814 - Can you set up here? - Of course. 123 00:05:59,068 --> 00:06:03,155 I won't give you jokes, when you get botox in your face. 124 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:06,075 Real shame. And I wanted to give you ten doses. 125 00:06:06,784 --> 00:06:08,619 -Can I do my armpits? - I'm begging you. 126 00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:14,958 Baby, take your elbows off the table. You'll stain it with self-tanner. 127 00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:18,003 - And put the napkin on your lap. - Mom, I'm an adult now! 128 00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:20,506 Pasta with only butter. 129 00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:21,548 Thank you. 130 00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:26,470 My roast. 131 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,680 The producers ask if you will perform. 132 00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:30,099 You're probably afraid 133 00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:32,601 but you can by the way advertise your Jewelry. 134 00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:35,813 This experience will bring us closer. 135 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,565 Nothing brings you closer 136 00:06:38,649 --> 00:06:41,276 like mocking me in front of tens of millions of people. 137 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,445 This would be a great viewing result. 138 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:47,282 Honey, sit up straight. You're slouching terribly. 139 00:06:47,366 --> 00:06:49,743 - I won't use it. - Please. 140 00:06:49,827 --> 00:06:52,287 I won't gain anything from this, 141 00:06:52,371 --> 00:06:54,540 and I don't need additional stress right now. 142 00:06:55,374 --> 00:06:57,000 I see. 143 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,962 But it's very important to me. 144 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:01,880 Is there any way I can convince you? 145 00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:06,051 Yes. 146 00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:08,262 Come with me to the meeting tomorrow. 147 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,224 I'll write you a check for $25,000. 148 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:16,270 Mom, please. You haven't been to one yet. 149 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:19,523 And tomorrow is my fifth anniversary of sobriety. 150 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:23,026 Please. I care about this very much. 151 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:26,613 - All right. - Really? 152 00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:28,448 Great! 153 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:32,369 Thank you. I think you'll like it there. 154 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,830 Most women are younger than you, 155 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:36,373 but they look 30 years older. 156 00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:38,458 I'm already happy. 157 00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,881 SCHOOL 158 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,729 - Ava! - Hi! 159 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,355 We haven't seen each other for ages! 160 00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:03,567 I thought it was a school fair. 161 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:04,693 Because it is. 162 00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:07,112 It's a parents' council fashion show! 163 00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:09,907 Why all women are they so sexy? 164 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,783 How horny! 165 00:08:11,867 --> 00:08:13,076 We are in Vegas. 166 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,163 Most mothers here they are dancers, acrobats 167 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,539 or football players' wives. 168 00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:18,999 It makes sense. 169 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,252 And did any children come? 170 00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,795 In life! 171 00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:27,966 The fair is for for knitted, older dads 172 00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:30,219 they opened their hearts and wallets 173 00:08:30,302 --> 00:08:32,179 and they founded a botanical garden for us. 174 00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:33,972 - Bright. - Denise! 175 00:08:34,056 --> 00:08:35,682 What a slim waist. 176 00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:36,850 And a big ass. 177 00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:40,103 I was delighted with Stephanie's model on the Hoover Dam. 178 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,563 I learned a lot. 179 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:47,194 They're really good. 180 00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:49,696 Ironically, they would go well with dry Chablis. 181 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,866 It would be funny, but not at a meeting. 182 00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:55,077 Look who finally honored us! 183 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,536 Deborah Sr. 184 00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:59,998 Mom, meet Laurie. She is my therapist and group leader. 185 00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:02,793 So it's thanks to you is my daughter clean? 186 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,878 You will receive a gift basket from the insurance company. 187 00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:08,590 Good! 188 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:10,759 I'm sorry about my appearance. 189 00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:13,553 I wanted to do it on you the best possible impression, 190 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:17,766 but my hairdresser had surgery hip replacement and didn't get back into shape. 191 00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:19,559 You look beautiful. 192 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:20,978 Thanks. 193 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,772 DJ, give me money for my dues and coffee. 194 00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:28,110 Thanks. And before I forget... 195 00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,487 - Which one is it? - Five o'clock. 196 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,531 I knew it. Can you hold it? 197 00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:35,367 - You carry too much junk in your pockets. - Thanks. 198 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:38,287 I would tell you not to be afraid 199 00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:41,206 but you love performing. 200 00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:43,417 Mark, no! Take a plate! 201 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:47,838 Everyone should use plates. 202 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,090 Because crumbs mean rats. 203 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,634 Entire herds. Thanks! 204 00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:55,387 Great, right? 205 00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:58,765 Yes. Should I say something? 206 00:09:58,849 --> 00:09:59,975 Well, rather! 207 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,186 A few kind words, and then you will give me a medal. 208 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,563 Nothing like that. 209 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,903 Tighter. Even tighter. You can break my rib. 210 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,575 Wait a minute. Hello? 211 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,368 Write me a few words about 212 00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:21,038 that I am proud from the fifth anniversary of DJ's sobriety. 213 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:24,750 - Cute, not cloying. - All right. When? 214 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:27,586 For now! I'm already there. Send by SMS. 215 00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,588 Okay, in a minute. 216 00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:32,507 -Who called? -Deborah. 217 00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:36,178 I have to write something for a DJ meeting. 218 00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:39,431 This is sick. After all, it's a personal matter. 219 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,808 Are you also supposed to write a diary for her? 220 00:10:41,892 --> 00:10:44,478 Once I described the menu to her to a women's magazine. 221 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,438 It turned out pretty good. 222 00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:48,690 Look at yourself. 223 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:51,985 You're a fierce bitch. 224 00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:54,863 Ripped executive producer. 225 00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:57,324 Co-producer. It's a few steps down, but... 226 00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:59,618 She used to treat me that way too. 227 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:03,538 I was supposed to hand out cards at her house at the snap of your fingers. 228 00:11:03,622 --> 00:11:06,500 But when I had Luna, I told her 229 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:09,503 that my daughter is the most important thing to me now. 230 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,088 So if I have to come 231 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,924 must give one day's notice in advance, so I can find a nanny. 232 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,258 Did it work? 233 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:19,179 No, but instead she offered, that he will pay for Luna's school. 234 00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:21,807 They have a great community center so I can come when called. 235 00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:24,643 The most important thing is that I stood up. 236 00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:25,936 And now… 237 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,771 Luna can play the French horn. 238 00:11:28,814 --> 00:11:32,442 You have to set boundaries and behave decently. 239 00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:35,487 You're right. 240 00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:38,615 Will you sprinkle glitter on my ass? 241 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,534 - Just blow. - Bright. 242 00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:48,166 Oh shit! Your breath is terribly warm! 243 00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:49,292 Sorry. 244 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,752 With great joy 245 00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:52,921 I'm giving you a medal for your 10th anniversary. 246 00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:55,424 I love you. 247 00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,265 Thank you, Sarah. 248 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,350 And now, for the finale of our meeting, 249 00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:09,187 Deborah will give DJ her medal on the occasion of five years of sobriety. 250 00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:17,028 DJ… 251 00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:22,075 I know it was a hard fight 252 00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:24,244 and I didn't always make it easy. 253 00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:27,205 But when I see you here among friends, 254 00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:29,875 after you've made so much progress 255 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:34,754 and you proved yourself through these years with fortitude, 256 00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:36,465 I feel moved. 257 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,342 Thank you. 258 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,640 Thanks. 259 00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:50,479 DJ wasn't entirely calm 260 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:53,607 nor a normal childhood. 261 00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:54,816 Until the age of 7, she believed 262 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,652 that the kitchen is a place where the batteries are kept. 263 00:12:59,905 --> 00:13:02,073 She collected tickets while riding a bicycle. 264 00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:06,411 She learned in kindergarten alphabet backwards, 265 00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:07,954 to recite it to the police. 266 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:11,708 But seriously, 267 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:16,004 we are proud of her. Not only me. 268 00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:18,798 All family and friends, 269 00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:20,175 including Mario Cantone. 270 00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:22,135 And speaking of him, 271 00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:24,846 Mario is so gay… 272 00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:27,682 Luna's mother who works in a casino 273 00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:29,893 she puts everything on this outfit. 274 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,895 Here's to you Kiki Lau! 275 00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:44,991 SCHOOL 276 00:13:45,075 --> 00:13:45,992 Firecracker! 277 00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:52,582 It was great. 278 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,293 I should come by more often. 279 00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:57,295 Are you crazy?! 280 00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:59,798 You were supposed to focus on me even for a few minutes, 281 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,758 but you preferred telling shitty jokes. 282 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,718 - "Shitty"? - Mom! 283 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:07,973 I've been begging you for years for you to come to the meeting. 284 00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:10,850 This place is important to me and my healing process. 285 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:14,396 But once you came, then you had to be the most important. 286 00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,606 All the jokes were about you. 287 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:17,899 Oh God! 288 00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:19,859 Even now you can't help yourself? 289 00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:23,363 Sorry I'm not good at therapy. 290 00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:24,739 But at least I came. 291 00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:26,199 I regret it very much. 292 00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:27,993 Forgive yourself. 293 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:30,620 I came even though I have a lot on my mind right now. 294 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,789 I'm going through a difficult time too. 295 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,249 I am pregnant. 296 00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:41,089 I would prefer to find out another way. 297 00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:45,427 I wasn't supposed to tell anyone before the ultrasound, 298 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:46,678 because, technically speaking… 299 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:50,765 this is already a geriatric pregnancy. Not a word! 300 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,268 Baby, I… 301 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:58,857 Congratulations. 302 00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:00,775 That's wonderful. Give me a hug. 303 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,360 Nothing! 304 00:15:03,862 --> 00:15:08,491 You know what my first thought was, when I found out I was pregnant? 305 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:09,951 "How will I protect my child 306 00:15:10,035 --> 00:15:12,954 in front of his fucked-up grandma?" 307 00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:17,292 I'll walk home. 308 00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:22,380 - At least take an Uber. - They blocked my account! 309 00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:38,730 What the hell?! Isn't anyone knocking here? 310 00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:41,650 -You don't close the bathroom door? - I don't have to be in my room. 311 00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:43,818 I saw something. 312 00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:44,944 What do you want? 313 00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:46,363 I'm telling you now. 314 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,990 I want my mother to get shit on 315 00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:50,450 that's why I'm preparing strong jokes. 316 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,786 But I'm missing a saying. 317 00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:56,706 - I'm listening? - Every good comedian has them. 318 00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:57,957 Not your mom. 319 00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,084 Not anymore. 320 00:15:59,167 --> 00:16:01,002 But she used to say, "put your fork down." 321 00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:03,088 I have an idea. 322 00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:04,130 Ready? 323 00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:06,549 "What a cunt!" 324 00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:12,097 Strong indeed. 325 00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,849 Can you tell me what else you wrote? 326 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:16,184 All right. 327 00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:21,189 "My mom is so old that her PESEL number has only one digit. 328 00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:22,357 What a cunt!" 329 00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,612 The text looks like it's from a collection of jokes. 330 00:16:27,696 --> 00:16:30,281 That's where I got it from. Is that forbidden? 331 00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:31,408 Actually, yes. 332 00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:36,663 What if I say "69"? 333 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:37,956 That's not the point. 334 00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,750 And "420"? I don't know any other funny numbers. 335 00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:42,961 It's about this collection of jokes. 336 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,797 He made me laugh. 337 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,550 Oh god, this one is really good. You'll fall! 338 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:51,511 “My mom is constantly browsing real estate on your phone. 339 00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:56,141 I told her to go to houses instead she started looking for cemeteries. 340 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:57,642 What a cunt!" 341 00:16:57,726 --> 00:16:59,728 - Vile. - She's old. 342 00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:04,733 Sharp punchlines, I think 343 00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:07,944 are not the best choice for you. 344 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:11,281 Maybe instead tell some anecdotes about her, 345 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,324 taken from real life? 346 00:17:13,408 --> 00:17:17,495 Do you think the truth will hurt her more? 347 00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:20,999 The most important thing is that it hurts. 348 00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:24,794 - Well, yes. - All right. 349 00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,337 You're pretty good. 350 00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:28,298 I'm coping. 351 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:29,758 And I'm pregnant. 352 00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:31,760 What?! Oh shit! 353 00:17:32,469 --> 00:17:35,513 - Give me a hug! - That's great! 354 00:17:35,597 --> 00:17:37,682 Congratulations! 355 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:39,267 I'll be an uncle. 356 00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:42,896 Oh God. 357 00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:44,689 I feel sick. 358 00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:46,649 Do you have any crackers in here? 359 00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,694 - I happen to have it. - Thanks. 360 00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:51,362 Just hurry up. 361 00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:55,116 I wanted to warn you, 362 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,619 that DJ asked me for help with material for roasting. 363 00:17:59,871 --> 00:18:00,955 And how? 364 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:02,499 It is… 365 00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:08,046 Can you still give it up? 366 00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:10,089 Oh God. Is it that bad? 367 00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:11,216 Yes. 368 00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:14,469 I don't want her to embarrass herself. Especially during pregnancy. 369 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,013 By the way, congratulations. 370 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:20,308 If you are looking for name ideas, this "Ava" is very pretty. 371 00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:21,559 And sexy. 372 00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,604 All right. I'll talk to her. 373 00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:26,523 About the name? 374 00:18:27,148 --> 00:18:28,399 About the roast. 375 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,453 - What do you want? - Can I come in? 376 00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:41,996 NO. 377 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,250 Sorry about that last one. 378 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,919 I really want to help. 379 00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:50,880 I'll get you a 24-hour nanny. 380 00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,675 I'm hiring a chef, who will take care of 381 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:55,593 by your diet it was rich in folic acid. 382 00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:58,513 I will buy soundless educational toys. 383 00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:01,683 Thank you. I don't want anything from you. 384 00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:04,769 I can handle the pregnancy myself. 385 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:10,316 I'll at least help with the roast. 386 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,111 I know from experience 387 00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:15,989 how stressful it is to perform while pregnant. I wrote you a whole collection of jokes. 388 00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:18,449 You just have to read them. Sitter. 389 00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:20,034 Oh God! 390 00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:22,453 I feel the same as I did then when I was applying to college. 391 00:19:22,537 --> 00:19:24,247 I wrote you a beautiful essay. 392 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:27,292 You don't happen to know my strength. 393 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,794 I'll make this roast myself and rock it. 394 00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:32,630 And when I'm done with you, 395 00:19:32,714 --> 00:19:35,300 then they will suggest me hosting a talk show. 396 00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:39,012 - I don't want you to suffer. - You will suffer, 397 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:42,640 - when I kick your ass. - Let's not argue. 398 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:45,268 I want to support you. 399 00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:47,478 Just like your granddaughter. 400 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:49,522 We don't know the gender yet. 401 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,401 They say girls steal beauty, 402 00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:55,945 and your hair is thinning. 403 00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,908 ROAST DEBORY VANCE - LIVE RECORDING 404 00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:01,701 ROAST DEBORY VANCE - LIVE RECORDING 405 00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:07,957 It's good that Mario agreed. 406 00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,418 It's great. 407 00:20:11,169 --> 00:20:13,504 Oh yeah, have you seen DJ's jokes? How did she do? 408 00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:14,631 I don't know. 409 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,883 She didn't send them to the prompter. 410 00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:17,926 I know. 411 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:21,721 Hi! 412 00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:23,806 - Hello, Ava! - How's it going? 413 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:27,518 It's good to see you. Don't worry mom, we'll be done soon. 414 00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:30,396 She will have to look after you the whole team to work. 415 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,650 Contour her nose and thicken her eyebrows. 416 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,026 I always pluck too much. 417 00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:41,115 Sorry for intruding but I had to meet Deborah Vance. 418 00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:42,992 My name is Jack Danby. 419 00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:45,745 Nice to meet a cultured young man. 420 00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:47,580 And a classy young lady. 421 00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:48,873 I'm begging you! 422 00:20:48,957 --> 00:20:52,210 You know how to dress appropriately. 423 00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:55,171 Thank you. I always say that I was born in the wrong era. 424 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,799 I hate sports clothes and I like to drink with lunch. 425 00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,386 It's a great honor for me 426 00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:02,720 to share the stage with you. 427 00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:05,098 You are one of my idols. 428 00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:08,267 I'm saying it now before I gut you on TV. 429 00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:11,187 I appreciate. See you. 430 00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,188 Can't wait. 431 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,317 What a… 432 00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,945 funny young man. 433 00:21:20,655 --> 00:21:22,740 You think he's funny 434 00:21:22,824 --> 00:21:24,534 even though there are no chromosomal disorders? 435 00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,619 Don't talk bad about yourself! 436 00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:30,373 Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? 437 00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,753 - I asked, are you ready? - Let's do it. 438 00:21:35,837 --> 00:21:37,880 I have to spit out the pill. 439 00:21:37,964 --> 00:21:39,674 -Damien? - Let's welcome you to the stage 440 00:21:39,757 --> 00:21:41,592 our star of the evening, 441 00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:44,595 Deborah Vance! 442 00:21:57,859 --> 00:21:59,736 Thank you very much! 443 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:00,987 Hello! 444 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:02,488 I'm Mario Cantone. 445 00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:05,908 When I was asked to host the roast 446 00:22:05,992 --> 00:22:08,453 for the pioneer of comedy, 447 00:22:08,536 --> 00:22:10,079 I immediately agreed. 448 00:22:10,747 --> 00:22:12,165 A few days later it turned out 449 00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:15,209 that Angela Lansbury had already died, so there's no point in that. 450 00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:22,050 Today we celebrate Deborah Vance! 451 00:22:25,636 --> 00:22:28,598 Our first comedian he's the nicest man in Hollywood. 452 00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:31,476 That's what they say when you're pretty 453 00:22:31,559 --> 00:22:33,061 but you have no talent. 454 00:22:33,144 --> 00:22:36,272 Let's welcome Jack Danby. 455 00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:48,576 Deborah is so old that he still calls films "sound". 456 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:50,828 It's not her fault. 457 00:22:50,912 --> 00:22:53,331 She never had the chance play in none. 458 00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:58,419 You showed me what the future might look like. 459 00:22:58,503 --> 00:23:00,671 If I don't find it good plastic surgeon 460 00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:02,757 and the carpenter carved my face. 461 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,301 Deborah is so old that he remembers the times 462 00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,846 when supporters and opponents of abortion they were friends. 463 00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:12,350 Deborah Vance is for me like Mount Rushmore. 464 00:23:12,433 --> 00:23:15,144 I thought he had been dead for 200 years 465 00:23:15,228 --> 00:23:16,938 and he still has slaves. 466 00:23:17,563 --> 00:23:20,149 It won't be that easy for you with me! 467 00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:23,778 Okay, maybe I'll be persuaded for a little tidying up. 468 00:23:23,861 --> 00:23:25,947 Her jokes are so cheap 469 00:23:26,030 --> 00:23:29,117 as if kids made them producing crap for her teleshopping shows. 470 00:23:29,784 --> 00:23:31,828 Give them at least a sip of water, they work so hard! 471 00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:36,457 I never understood why gays like her so much. 472 00:23:36,541 --> 00:23:38,751 I couldn't understand it. 473 00:23:38,835 --> 00:23:41,045 And then I met her. 474 00:23:41,129 --> 00:23:44,382 It turned out that it smelled of ashes, and her face looks like a scrotum. 475 00:23:44,465 --> 00:23:47,760 Are you having fun? 476 00:23:49,053 --> 00:23:50,721 Everyone is emphasizing today 477 00:23:50,805 --> 00:23:54,642 that Deborah committed many mistakes in his career. 478 00:23:54,725 --> 00:23:58,229 And now I present her biggest mistake in life. 479 00:23:58,312 --> 00:23:59,689 Her daughter DJ. 480 00:24:01,065 --> 00:24:04,152 You may recognize her as the owner of the Biżuty brand, 481 00:24:04,235 --> 00:24:07,405 whose name loosely rhymes with "to suck". 482 00:24:08,906 --> 00:24:11,701 Here's DJ Vance! 483 00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:25,089 I'm DJ Vance. 484 00:24:25,173 --> 00:24:26,632 And my mother is here with us. 485 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,678 What I could never say at their ballet performances. 486 00:24:32,638 --> 00:24:36,767 Many people think she neglected me. 487 00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:42,565 Kidding. 488 00:24:42,648 --> 00:24:44,817 Mom gave me everything: 489 00:24:44,901 --> 00:24:47,403 home, education, 490 00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:51,407 anxiety attacks, bipolar disorder and numerous lawsuits. 491 00:24:52,283 --> 00:24:53,659 What a cunt! 492 00:24:56,746 --> 00:25:00,374 Few people know but I was born by cesarean section. 493 00:25:00,458 --> 00:25:02,210 Not for medical reasons, 494 00:25:02,293 --> 00:25:04,670 just because, as my mother says, 495 00:25:04,754 --> 00:25:06,464 "Her hug is deadly." 496 00:25:09,050 --> 00:25:10,092 What a cunt. 497 00:25:13,304 --> 00:25:15,890 I was wrong. Horribly. 498 00:25:15,973 --> 00:25:17,141 Maybe not all of you know 499 00:25:17,225 --> 00:25:20,394 but my mother collects antiques. 500 00:25:20,478 --> 00:25:22,688 I'm trying to make her realize that she is an antique herself! 501 00:25:23,272 --> 00:25:24,232 What a cunt. 502 00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:30,404 Before I finish, I want you one more thing say one thing, mom. 503 00:25:30,488 --> 00:25:31,530 I have to apologize to you. 504 00:25:31,614 --> 00:25:34,700 I know you hate sentimentality... 505 00:25:35,785 --> 00:25:37,912 but we've been through a lot together 506 00:25:37,995 --> 00:25:40,081 and we say it to each other too rarely. 507 00:25:40,164 --> 00:25:41,832 That's why I want you to know 508 00:25:41,916 --> 00:25:45,461 that is engraved on my heart three short words: 509 00:25:46,754 --> 00:25:50,258 "What a cunt!" 510 00:26:00,935 --> 00:26:02,311 Thank you very much! 511 00:26:02,395 --> 00:26:04,605 ROAST DEBORY VANCE - LIVE RECORDING 512 00:26:04,689 --> 00:26:07,149 You were great! You ruined it! 513 00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:08,693 - Thank you. - I'll get you a drink. 514 00:26:08,776 --> 00:26:09,986 Thanks. 515 00:26:11,696 --> 00:26:14,365 - You did brilliantly. - It was wonderful. 516 00:26:14,448 --> 00:26:16,993 I've never felt like this. 517 00:26:17,076 --> 00:26:19,245 - And I finally understand it. - What? 518 00:26:20,496 --> 00:26:23,082 Why comedy is most important to you. 519 00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:25,459 All my life I thought that you are narcissistic, 520 00:26:25,543 --> 00:26:26,544 but it turns out... 521 00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:29,422 that you're just addicted like me. 522 00:26:29,505 --> 00:26:31,382 From making others laugh. 523 00:26:31,465 --> 00:26:33,467 I can go to a group, 524 00:26:33,551 --> 00:26:34,885 but you don't. 525 00:26:34,969 --> 00:26:39,015 Because the group is part of the addiction. There is no hope for you! 526 00:26:39,098 --> 00:26:41,225 I feel better now! 527 00:26:41,309 --> 00:26:43,102 I'm glad. I guess. 528 00:26:44,103 --> 00:26:46,522 You did great. 529 00:26:46,605 --> 00:26:49,650 I'm sorry I underestimated you. 530 00:26:51,152 --> 00:26:52,445 Thank you. 531 00:26:52,528 --> 00:26:54,905 - If you want me to come to the meeting... - Absolutely not. 532 00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:58,784 - I'm sorry for my behavior. - It's normal. 533 00:26:58,868 --> 00:27:00,494 Addicts always hurt their loved ones. 534 00:27:03,372 --> 00:27:05,374 Completely non-invasive? 535 00:27:05,458 --> 00:27:08,044 - Yes. - You were in bed for two weeks. 536 00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:10,046 - Congratulations. - Thanks. 537 00:27:10,129 --> 00:27:11,297 This is serious! 538 00:27:11,380 --> 00:27:14,592 And they couldn't have made a better choice. 539 00:27:14,675 --> 00:27:16,052 But they could have made it funnier. 540 00:27:18,179 --> 00:27:19,972 What are we congratulating you on? 541 00:27:20,056 --> 00:27:21,640 A new article has appeared on Deadline. 542 00:27:21,724 --> 00:27:23,309 They say Danny Collins is leaving. 543 00:27:23,392 --> 00:27:25,978 Everything indicates that that Jack will replace him. 544 00:27:28,189 --> 00:27:31,484 - Really? - They're just rumors. 545 00:27:31,567 --> 00:27:33,110 - I don't know. - What? 546 00:27:34,278 --> 00:27:35,196 Well… 547 00:27:35,905 --> 00:27:37,448 That's great. 548 00:27:37,531 --> 00:27:39,450 You're a good fit. You're generically funny. 549 00:27:41,410 --> 00:27:42,745 Sorry. 550 00:27:43,996 --> 00:27:45,706 Don't you enjoy it anymore? 551 00:27:45,790 --> 00:27:47,416 Bloated shit! 552 00:27:48,042 --> 00:27:49,710 Let's go. We have a lot of work ahead of us. 553 00:27:53,798 --> 00:27:55,257 Good morning. 554 00:27:55,341 --> 00:27:57,343 Give you your pill back? 555 00:27:58,677 --> 00:27:59,720 NO! 556 00:27:59,804 --> 00:28:01,263 You had it in your hand! 557 00:28:01,347 --> 00:28:04,558 I'd rather not know how many germs circulates in this great ecosystem. 558 00:28:04,642 --> 00:28:06,143 Perfect transition. 559 00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:08,813 I'll only stay here for 86 more days, 560 00:28:08,896 --> 00:28:12,066 that's why I would like to set some boundaries. 561 00:28:12,149 --> 00:28:13,651 Borders? All right. 562 00:28:13,734 --> 00:28:16,487 - You'll start washing outside. - I'm serious. 563 00:28:16,570 --> 00:28:19,323 A lot has changed. I am a co-producer. 564 00:28:20,825 --> 00:28:22,201 Co-producer! 565 00:28:23,786 --> 00:28:27,331 Okay, okay. So what do you want? 566 00:28:27,415 --> 00:28:29,875 Please don't give me back my things 567 00:28:29,959 --> 00:28:31,544 that were in your mouth. 568 00:28:31,627 --> 00:28:33,295 And don't tell me to fire anyone. 569 00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:35,464 All right. 570 00:28:35,548 --> 00:28:36,966 I didn't finish. 571 00:28:37,049 --> 00:28:39,093 Knock before you enter my room. 572 00:28:39,176 --> 00:28:42,555 Set my working hours and overtime rate. 573 00:28:42,638 --> 00:28:45,141 I won't write for you personal stories 574 00:28:45,224 --> 00:28:47,101 and no more jokes about my appearance. 575 00:28:48,102 --> 00:28:51,313 Not a word about my face, hair, 576 00:28:51,397 --> 00:28:53,774 clothing, diet, and above all, 577 00:28:53,858 --> 00:28:54,942 about the size of my hands. 578 00:28:55,025 --> 00:28:57,736 Come on, I'm begging you! You can't take that away from me! 579 00:28:57,820 --> 00:28:59,155 But I can go back to L.A. 580 00:29:01,657 --> 00:29:05,286 It's okay. I agree. 581 00:29:05,369 --> 00:29:06,412 On one condition. 582 00:29:06,495 --> 00:29:08,747 I won't go to a bra fitter. 583 00:29:08,831 --> 00:29:09,915 My bra is good. 584 00:29:09,999 --> 00:29:12,251 It's a little tight, but that's normal. 585 00:29:12,334 --> 00:29:15,171 That's not the point. As long as you're here 586 00:29:15,254 --> 00:29:17,298 you have to work on your texts. 587 00:29:20,009 --> 00:29:20,926 All right. 588 00:29:22,470 --> 00:29:23,679 The deal stands. 589 00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:27,141 Great. 590 00:29:27,224 --> 00:29:29,477 You have a show at Hoda's on Monday, right? 591 00:29:30,102 --> 00:29:31,854 I thought to myself, 592 00:29:31,937 --> 00:29:34,356 that I can come up with for you something new for the weekend, 593 00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,193 but these numbers with Carrot Top they are timeless. 594 00:29:37,276 --> 00:29:40,154 I also came up with an idea 595 00:29:40,237 --> 00:29:43,532 to show them some archival recordings. This will be a hit. 596 00:29:43,616 --> 00:29:46,076 And so you have everything catalogued. 597 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:49,580 This will appeal to a wider audience. 598 00:29:49,663 --> 00:29:51,332 Is something wrong, Josefina? 599 00:29:51,415 --> 00:29:52,708 - "Ava." - I'm listening? 600 00:29:52,791 --> 00:29:56,378 “Should I perform CPR? your hair? They are thin and lifeless." 601 00:29:56,462 --> 00:29:59,298 Seriously? 602 00:29:59,381 --> 00:30:01,383 It's not fair! 603 00:30:01,467 --> 00:30:03,260 No such! 604 00:30:03,344 --> 00:30:05,304 - "Ava?" - NO! 605 00:30:05,387 --> 00:30:08,933 "I am on a Mediterranean diet, but I'm out of olive oil. 606 00:30:09,016 --> 00:30:10,226 Can you lend me some of your forehead?" 607 00:30:12,436 --> 00:30:13,395 Good! 608 00:31:30,514 --> 00:31:32,433 Polish text: Milena Modestowicz